Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 61 - Brothers (w/ Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger from Doughboys)

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

Two brothers, Big Cat and the Mound, are ready to fight each other to the death.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBig Cat: Mike MitchellThe Mound: Nick WigerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. If you're joining us for the first time, wow, there is no way you're going to latch onto what's going on here. Nope, you might as well turn to page 793 of 50 shades freed and say, what's a harness? But you're welcome to try. If you're like me, you need a pristine environment for your entertainment. So go ahead and lower the lights. Place a soft cushion on the floor.

Have a glass of cool water within an arm's reach. Lock the doors. Put all devices on vibrate. Place all furniture and a climate controlled storage facility. Have the male-forwarded, end-all social and romantic relationships where you're really really interested in some version of them that has an existed for years. Activate the enormous magnets under your bunker

to confuse GPS satellites, burn your passport, and consume the ashes. Send your memoir to the publishers, strip nude. Minus that talisman, the librarians had was the one thing standing between you and the forest spirit you betrayed. Sit back, did I mention a glass of water? I did? Great. And enjoy the show. Hello from Castle Skull Master. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. A bit over five years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Things have taken some turns, and we're currently trapped in Castle Skullmaster. And this is an odd little detail, but last week we've been searching for an artifact

for a long time and we found it. And well, Chun, would you mind bringing that artifact over here? Oh yeah, baby Arnie, it's so cute. I gotta say Arnie, there's something really creepy about this. I don't know if you've noticed this, but wherever I go in the castle, the eyes of this portrait don't follow me.

Isn't that tarot? Luhu, luhu, luhu. I'm ugged, I'm ugged. I'm a little, I still don't understand why there is a painting of my middle school photo here in the magical land of food. Wait, I thought you said on Earth that photos were like paintings. Photos are like paintings, but this is the thing.

It's almost like someone took a photo of me, like they pulled it out of my grandmother's wallet, and then they painted a facsimile of that photo. If you look down in the corner of this painting. It says, Olan Mills, someone painted the word Olan Mills on the corner of this painting of me. What is Olan Mills? I think it's the photo studio from the Midwest

or just in general. I don't know, it's just, it was on every school picture. I saw when I was a kid. I don't know if this is helpful, but there's a guy in Foon named Old Man Mills. Old man. He runs a windmill, yeah. And we always say it's full of wind because he's, he just lies all the time. He's a burrow bag of shit.

Oh, so it's, it's not windy because of the wind. It's, it's, it's a common misconception in Fune. Well, it's kind of both because he also can control the winds, but he just chooses not to a lot of the times. No, that old hog butcher. I'm just assuming that one of his nicknames is also hog butcher. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. So Olin Mills is a famous photographer, and then you said on Earth, there's a famous painter who also did the theme song for friends.

Mm-hmm. And remind me who I said that was. I think he said it was the Rembrandt. Oh, no, I'm sorry, I was talking about the toothpaste. I also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos! Champion of the great halls of Trockus, the elves know me as Fien-Yalek,

the dwarves know me as Zonen in Hook Stinges, and I am known in the northeast as gas-winniest may star, and there may be other secret names. Names so terrifying and powerful that, eh, they were uttered aloud. Most assuredly, all of your teeth were turned into gremlins, climb up into your gums. Oh teeth in the gums, yikes. Hate to think about that. So what happens if I eat after midnight? What? You're supposed to get... Maybe I already had...

Cassie? Have trouble sleeping, I don't know. Either way, it's bad. Arnie, there's three rules for your teeth. Never get them wet. Yeah. Well, check. Never put them...

Never expose them to some lights. Check. And boy, I can't remember that third one. I think we have never hop genres for a sequel. That's what it was. All right, there was used to be a rule. They were not supposed to feed the master midnight, but then we realized because of all the different time zones,

that doesn't make any fucking sense. I know, it's true. Is it any hour after midnight? Yeah, where are you at? I do teeth know what time zones are? What is that? Oh, all right. Oh, I'm so rampal.

Hold on, you just took out a little note pad that says tight five on it. Keep going. What else are you got? Are you working on? It says Mino Manuchi's tight five. I've been getting all these Ravens lately. Everybody getting these Ravens?

Just Raven after Raven after Raven, they're stacking up, and I'm going back, back through all my Ravens And I'm like, why is everybody trying to get hold of me? Brrrr-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-h I have a cart? No! Oh, I'll never mind. Sorry, I'll skip that part. You should work. We need to talk about the artifact. Why is there a painting of me in Foon? I have been studying this painting all week using my great magical powers to appear beyond the veil.

And I have no idea. I guess that's enough for this week. Yeah, that's probably good Wait, do you guys do you guys hear there's some yelling over in the next room? Well, is that sex? John, do you think that could be I do you know that does that sound familiar to you? Not particularly, it just sounds like too big, man-fighting. Oh! Everyone!

Follow me! Let's go fight them! Yeah, we gotta see a fight! One, two, three, four, five! Okay, I'm running outside this door while you're going in that one. That's confusing, alright? There's the clubbeds and... Wow, okay. And, oh, we found the room.

Whoa, look at these two big dudes! Oi! God! Oh, kill ya! The Hulk Doctor before I kill you! Well, I'll kill ya first! Your bloody heap of nothing! I already said I was gonna kill you first!

Well, I killed you first, then you won't have a chance to kill me! You just can't kill me if I rip your heart out first Well, I've got I've got armor that says that lets you not rip hearts out. So it's invincible to our to heart ripping out Strangle you good. That's a nice set up. I've got chain our chain neck armor that is strangle proof So you can't strangle me. He's got pants on, I'm so thick around his neck. Already getting in between them, getting in between them, breaking up. I'm not gonna get in between them, I'm not gonna get in there huge.

Pardon, pardon me friends, but I am the great wizard Yusodoro. And I am here to referee, I'm very fight if that woulds have me. Yeah, fair fight. That sounds good to me take off all that magical cloaks and so on you got there the mind Down to my skivvy's wait. No, I didn't mean you wizard man. Oh, oh There wasn't much under his cloak. I know I travel light very very little the imagination I Look big catch it. You were my brother. But yes, if we're gonna settle this,

let's settle this as we came into the world. Fight it. Wow, fighting. We came out our mama's wounds, fists thrown at each other, little babies. Quickly, before you fight, oh, we are recording a magical audio oddity that goes out into the universe and is heard by others.

Please share your story with us before you fight one another to the death. Arnie, this is the mound and the big cat. Do your thing, will you interview the masked and the questions? Hi, I'm from another world. Would you mind if I ask you a couple of questions about this big fight you're about to have? Sure, I never really done one of these things before, but yeah, I guess we could, I guess so. Here's a couple of scrolls, they're just release forms, if you could just sign your names here. I only know how to do X.

That works. That works. Here I only know how to do X I've never written anything in my life, so this is my first time holding anything We're writing you tensile is what I call it Hey, you've been cat you just take take a take draw two lines that exit should cross each other That's all you have to do. We're all do it for you. You know, I'll do it. You know, I'll do it for you I want these two X's to be over your eyes Damn shots fired. You know what I mean when you're dead and the X's go over your eyes Yeah, I know what you mean. I got what you're saying. It was clever So we just talk about our lives on here is that yeah, I mean it could be great prep for your fight

Did I hear correctly are you two brothers? Yeah, is that... Yeah, is that... Yeah! I mean, it could be great prep for your fight. Did I hear correctly? Are you two brothers? Yeah, yeah, we're brothers. Came out to moom fight each other. We've been fighting our whole lives. And I came out first, I tell ya! Ha ha! You was cheap. You kicked me in my little... ...sensitives.

Back when I was a baby. And you leaped out first. Hey, to the Victor go the spoils. I'm the older brother. You'll always be number two. Me sensitive's never developed right because of that, you know. Guys guys, please can we agree on something at the very least that you two probably ruined your mom's vagina? Oh, she died, yes. She died. Oh, child sorry to hear that. Yes Well, you're both you're both very large. I'm very sorry about your mother But but you're you're huge. Well, it probably would have survived it was just me instead of big cat taking up so much space

How dare you say that I'll bring you through Throw So now the name you're the mount and big cat are those yeah, the birth names They're self here's the thing This self-given names Yeah, okay, we gave we gave ourselves our own dick. Dames. Yeah me. I'm big cat Cuz I I clean myself with me Licka. Oh Mean tongue you see oh

So you don't like poor alcohol You never learned to read it right. So obviously doesn't know the word tongue Yeah, Lika yes, Lika and me. I'm the mound Well, you can just kind of tell from my body shape It's I'm I'm thickest at the where my feet meet the ground And then just sort of slope upward. Like a big mound. Yeah, you have a mound of flesh. And you have a little picture resting on your belly?

Yeah. Let me grab some of that and want some water. Thank you so much. Go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, well, it's for everyone. Oh, thank you. Yeah, well, myself. And I have to say, are you wearing some sort of magical belt

that keeps that picture from falling? Yeah, it's a magical belt that keeps that pitcher from falling? Yeah, it's a magical belt, it keeps the pitcher up and it also makes me immune to waist strikes. So no waist strikes, big cat! I can't hit you anyways, bloody ridiculous! Well, I came prepared for battle, you should have done the same. Now why would two such massive brothers as yourselves? Uh, turn your great power toward one another in such animosity, when together, as a force for good, you could join my quest and defeat all of evil. Join me now, and we shall strike down the Dark Lord.

No thanks, we want to fight each other. Okay, that's fine. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. Had to ask. I got nothing against the Dark Lord. I mean, this...

But I got a lot against Big Cat. Such as? Yeah, what are some of your grievances? His grievances that I weigh less than he does. Well, it also one of you killed the mom, right? Yeah, the dad. You killed the mom. I did not kill the mom.

Dad accused me of that when I came out in Noah. I fought him right there and then. That very day. What happened? Is he still with us? Big cat one, big cat one. So you only fight to the death? He took our old man out. First day of my existence in this plane.

I never met him. I never met either of our parents. And it's because of him. But that's not the reason I'm mad. The reason I'm mad is because I insist that he weighs more than me. I don't weigh more than you. Yes, you do. There's not a chance you're a big mound.

I'm nimble like a cat. Well, you're using my body type against me, but you are just as massive, just in different places. We could just get you on a scale and figure this out. Do you just want to weigh yourselves? That's witchcraft talk to us. We don't believe in scales. You're wearing like 20 magical items.

Well, but that's... They said they don't believe in witchcraft. That doesn't mean they don't necessarily believe in magic. They specifically just have something against witches. Which is, I don't know what that's all about. Enchantments are fine if it's from a conjurer or something. Or mage. Or mage, yeah, sure.

A wizard, such as myself as myself a wizard there you go How can you even really weigh muscle and know what's muscle and fat, you know, and I mean that's another issue I have with just the scale number, you know Yeah, I would get that would be the only reason I'd weigh more than you is cuz muscle weighs more than fat No, that's the reason I'd weigh more than you. No, I'm pretty well, I got pretty developed calves. I have an idea, watch this. Which way is more, a pound of rocks or a pound of feathers? A pound of rocks, obviously?

Yeah, rocks, I have an elada. Oh, that's smart. See what's happening here. You said I have no idea what that was supposed to prove. I just wanted to make sure I understood where they were coming from. Does that make sense? You said, or one of these days I'm gonna fucking beat the shit out of you. What?

Me! You said, or I'm gonna beat the shit out of you one of these days. Ah, there you go. That's how you squash a beef. That's how you settle the dispute. You'll fight each other to the death. I like you, Olli. You're a good bloke.

Oh, thank you. I like you, big cat. I guess a good bloke. Oh, thank you. I like you, Big Cat. Oh, I guess we should introduce ourselves. That's Arnie, as you mentioned. My name is Little Hunt. I'm a, like, a shapeshifter who's mostly a badger, and that's, as you know, used to door the wizard. Used to do a, you mentioned a bag of feathers. Do you have any?

It's one of my favorite snacks. I think he means a chicken. He doesn't know the word for chicken, so he calls them a bag of feathers. Oh, he's okay. Oh doesn't know the word for chicken, so he calls them a bag of feathers. Oh Yeah, he says things like I'm gonna have a delicious bag of feathers with my liquor Do you want a fried bag of feathers or a roasted bag of feathers? Hey, I'll just reach into my hats and I'll plant a bag of feathers for you Thank you. I like I like grilled bag of feathers. I'm trying to watch me figures. Oh, that's a that's a live bag of feathers I can pray for you if you if you prefer

No, no worries. I'll eat it as is okay. I Be careful. He said he's got to watch his figures He's set with an ass at the end. He was waving his fingers in front of his face like Does he think his fingers are called figures? Perhaps that's how he does his county night figures. I don't know. I bet he calls eggs round boys. You got any round boys? Oh, the woodblock. I knew it. I know that. Why is he pointing at my crotch?

Well, no, no, no. He's got those round boys, aren't he? No, I know, I know. Arnie, hold on. Earlier, he called that area his sensitive bits. Right? Because his brother kicked that area his sensitive bits. Right? Because his brother kicked him in the sensitive bits when they were still in the womb or when they're coming out. So I think he does things you have eggs in your pockets, because you do have pronounced testicles. I do, yeah. Yeah, these bands.

Can I explain myself for a moment here? Yeah, of course. I was over here in this. I was over here in this because of my brother the mount. He stunted the growth of my sensitives. So now I got a lot of extra space here in my front area. And that's where I carry me round, boys, if that makes sense. Arnie, in Fune, it's not uncommon, sometimes for young gentlemen to be kicked in the nuts.

It stunts their growth. And then they join what's called the old lymph dicks. That means that they're a little more nimble, a little more agile, and they don't typically grow up as fully as other people. If that makes sense, does that make sense? I think so. In us, with us, through us, the lymph dicks. Yuck! A big cat I have to ask. Round has a magical scarf, a magical belt, the chainmail that protects him. So you clearly, every blow you land on him

is not really causing any effect or hindrance. What are you wearing that's causing all of his blows to not affect you? I just got a sack on, as you can see. Huh, so you're just taking it. I'm just taking it, because my brother's a coward. Say that again, I'm no coward. You're a coward.

Say I'm a coward one more time. Say it one more time. You're a coward. I dare you. Call me a coward again. I think you're a coward. You don't have the stones to call me a coward one more time. Howard again. I think you, Howard. You don't have the stones to call me a coward one more time, do you? Ah, yeah, you're right. I don't. That's not fair because he knows you don't have the stones.

Wow, big cat. Your brother really played bag of feathers with you and you lost. He certainly did. Yeah, if I weigh in any capacity, it's between my ears. My brain, because I got a big one, and you got an empty skull. That's not true. You got one of those mirrors that can see into your head? This is what I'm talking about.

Oh, how it saddens me to see two such powerful brothers at one another's next, perhaps there's a way to broker a piece between them. Uh, hear me bound, hear me big cat. I wish to parlay with thee and create here some piece where before there was not but animosity. What's you getting at, eh? I-I want you to do-I want you to make up. Can you make up? Be friends? We're not gonna do-we're brothers, I reckon. It's disgusting. Yeah, I'm not gonna do make a in front of everybody No, make up. Don't make out. Don't make out. Oh, let's see where this goes I'm hoping that we can bury the hatchet and put all of this behind us

Fine, you know, I'll stroke in a couple times, but I'm not gonna do too much more than that I'm not touching his round boys. If you don't touch me round boys, it's no deal. This whole body, aren't you so I'm confused. So big cat has nuts and mounds don't? I know, I was thinking it should be the opposite way around. Or mounds has nuts and I can't remember. Sorry, which one of you raise your hand or raise your fist, sorry, or your figures if

you have balls or sensitive fits. I'm raising my fist right now. Okay. Is that a blast to me? This raised? Okay. Okay. So should I be raising my fist? It doesn't matter. Oh, we are here. It's just just the honor system, honor system. Well, raise our hand. Okay. So it's mound, mound has nuts. Okay. Good. Good. Is there something we can, can we first sit down? That might sort of diffuse the situation. I mean, because of my body type, I'm kind of always sitting. So I'll just stay as is. Why don't we pull this table over closer to you though, where you sit?

Okay, yeah, yeah. We can go into my room if we want to, you know. Oh. We have your own room here at the castle. Mm-hmm. The champagne room. Ooh. Yes, room. Ooh. Yes, please.

Let's ride over this way. Come on. Come on, everyone. To the champagne room. All right, I'm so excited. I've never been in a champagne room. What kind of things can we expect when we go into your champagne room? Oh, you'll be certainly surprised.

Arnie, they always say in food, champagne for my real friends, and a real pain for my sham friends. Just a little saying, we have, okay. Ooh, this, oh, this is a little bit nicer than the room we were in earlier. Okay, so go through these beads here? Yeah, I put those up myself. You can tell.

Nice. Hey, wow. You guys can sit in these chairs, mound and I will sit here on the bed. Do you guys, there's these chairs. Mountain. I will sit here There's a two-meat minimum just to get you guys want me or I can get you like a non alcoholic me If you're not a drinker. Oh me for me is perfect. Yeah, I'll do I'll do a me Do you have any red potion? We have like a pink potion. Oh, I mean, oh, so it's like diet red potion Yeah, it's I mean it's you know, it's it's close. Okay, if you really want potion I can get it for you

Okay, hey mount I'll have a meat kilo ultra Ha, I was wondered who ordered that. But I guess it's you. I'm trying to watch my figure, you know. Sure, sure. Yeah, absolutely so. I'm not filling your order. What? You get your own meat.

That gets your own meat colo bowl. This is rubbish. It's wrong. I'm not here to serve you. I'm here to sever you. I'm gonna cut you, I'm gonna cut you until I kill you. It's weird that they're now starting to fight on the bed.

Like, did they bring us in here so that they could sit on the bed and then start fighting on the bed? Oh, go get the drinks. Why don't I just go over there to the chrome behind the bar here in the champagne room and I'll ask the old chrome to get us what we need. It's also fucking wild that they're both laying on the bed wrestling and standing up somehow at the same time What is their body type what would you call that Arnie? Alex I think this is complex. Paul's good. Paul's good Hey, you know what you may have all those protective layers on but there's one thing that you can't protect yourself from

tickles I'm tickling you! Mound, how does that feel? No, don't even try because I've got tickle proof gauntlets and a tickle proof, a breastplate and a tickle proof helmet. You can't tickle me. No, you don't. You certainly can't tickle my feet. I've got these tickle proof boots. You can never tickle my feet. Please don't tickle my, don't even waste your time. I've got your feet in front of them. I've got your feet in my hands now.

That's it, but I'm tickled proof. Teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee I here I need a me to me to me to me to me to me to meet a mead clope light. That's that's what we need right I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I have a big potion, but yeah, I'll have whatever Okay, so it seems like they're getting along. I mean laughter is the first step to healing and And big hat you just made mom laugh. Yeah, but I'll tell you where the fight really stem from. Oh, please He ate me biscuit. Okay, so Arnie, you used to come back over here. What could this possibly mean? So he calls fingers figures, he calls a chicken bago feathers,

calls his genitals his sensitive area, which is pretty on the nose. What could eating a biscuit possibly be? Was it literally a biscuit? Whoa! Okay, no. I mean, I not know the word literally, which I think is a safe bet.

Oh, in some parts of food, a biscuit is a cookie. What we know is a cookie. You know, like in hogs face, we call it a cookie. Another know I can hog space we call it a cookie. Another place is a biscuit is also a trisket. Shimi shimi koko. What? Shimi shimi. Wow. Oh, Jalita walking down the street ten times a week. I'm ready. I said it. The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their fly. They're okay. Okay. Um, uh, uh, big cat. Yeah. Uh, biscuit. It be cookie. Yeah, biscuit. It be cookie. Okay. Great. I think I speak his language now. He just repeated. What do you said? Let me try this big cat. Yeah.

Biscuit, it be up in the face with the time. Yeah, Biscuit, it be up in the face with the time. See? It's like yelling into a canyon. Yeah, but also, I'm not sure why I said it like that. Now I'm worried about me. Look, all, all, I'll explain. You ate me Biscuit. I ate me Biscuit, me being his, I ate his biscuit.

What possessed you to do such a thing? Biscuit you see was the name. Oh no, don't say a pet, don't say a pet, don't say a pet. Of our pet. Oh fuck. You ate me biscuit! I ate, I ate his biscuit. Now, now, John, to be fair, I believe their pet might not have been an animal.

I think it's entirely possible. Their pet could be anything. It not have been an animal. I think it's entirely possible. Their bad could be anything. It could have been a rock. Yeah. Biscuit was meowing the whole way down. Oh, that's pretty hard to, I think that's a deadlock on this again. That's a cat.

She was a very cute, but very, very irritating, furry bag of feathers. Yeah. Okay, now I'm not so long, Kat. Huh. I loved me very, very bag of feathers and you swallowed her whole. It's like they have some sort of like twin speak, right? They came out at the same time, so they are technically twins. And I know sometimes twins can have this secret language,

so maybe that's what we're witnessing. My question is, if Ferry bag of feathers is their word for cat, why is his name big cat? What is that supposed to mean? What's this rubbish, this fleshy bag of feathers is saying over here? Yeah! You know, we are twins. Sometimes we can even finish each other's... Where are you going with this big cat? He did in his defense. He said sometimes.

Sometimes me and the mound can finish each others. Uh-huh. Just staring at each other. Nothing. Nothing. It's not registering at all. Well, buddy, buddy, he's right. Sometimes big cat and I can finish each others. Biscuits!

Arna, you said, or I have a theory. Now, we know that when the mound was saying he has a protective helmet and boots and pants, etc. that prevent him from being tickled, we know that he was lying, right? Because Big Cat tickled him and he laughed and was tickled. So I think all his other enchantments are a lie as well. So what I think's been going on is these two have been beating the absolute living shit out of each other and they're suffering the consequences. Oh, that's better than my theory, where they're triplets and just somewhere else,

there's someone that periodically is saying sentences. Arnie, that's the funniest thing you've said on the show before. Well, this is not a comedy show. This is a serious documentary. Fair, fair, fair. There was a third one of us actually. Oh. Yet. Uh-oh.

His name was Biscuit. That fleshy bag of feathers. I miss this so much. Oh, please say you ate them in the womb. We ate them in the womb. You ate them in the womb. That's what we ate them in the womb. We ate them together. Don't blame me. But please don't say it was years after you, you three were born. Okay. Okay.

It was. Okay. It was years later. John, stop telling them things not to say. John, I think you're walking them right up to that. Well, you can lead a big cat to his mother's womb, but I don things not to say. John, I think you're walking them right up to that. Well, you can lead a big hat to his mother's womb, but I don't want to finish that. You could, please bring me back to her. I miss her, so.

I want to go back to, please put me back. That was when we were happy. That was when we were fighting. That's what there are no biscuits for us to consume and be jealous about. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask you to, your first memory, the first time you fought, you said,

was coming out of your mother's womb. You were already kicking and screaming and punching each other. Do you have a memory of being in the womb? Pre-fight, do you have any piece of memory of each other? You do? Yeah. I remember being in the room, and I remember, I saw gooey fist come right at me head.

I got punched right in the head Luckily old goo in there slowed it down belly hit and then I also remember eating biscuit in the room Wait you you also ate biscuit? I had a bite or two but he's the one who started it. Yeah, they clear they both ate biscuit This is all very troubling I don't know if I'm going to be able to step in here and act as a family councilor and resolve these issues today. But I do offer my services to both of thee.

For I think you're quite impressive, gentlemen, and I wish to improve your lives. For that is the job of a wizard to go around spreading goodness and love wherever he can. And if I can help two powerful beings such as thee, then perhaps you two then will spread good in the world. What do you think about that? Wow. Well, well, you used to know, do you have skills of necromancy? Could you bring biscuit back? Yes, please bring biscuit back. Please bring biscuit back. Well, I don't really like to dabble in necromancy.

It's sort of a dark art, and I have a particular rival who sort of specializes in this, who I'm not fond of, although I respect him. Ah. I call you, Sador, on my world. Bag of feathers in a biscuit is one of the worst snacks. Well, it's, luckily we're here at Castle Skullmaster. And since I'm not a Necromancer by trade,

and they said that Biscuit was his pet, I noticed that there's a pet cemetery right outside the Castle walls. We can just bury a bit of biscuit in there and biscuit will come back. That's pretty good. Yeah. Or we could try it.

Could you put us both back in a womb? Uh, yeah, I think I can sit at. Please say no, fuck. Oh fuck. That's where life began for us. Yeah. Me and Mount believe life begins in the womb. This is the thing.

This is one thing we see eye to eye on. Once you're in the womb, you're alive. You're alive. You said, or, new plan. I think we should push these two further towards killing each other. Alright, okay, I can do that. Yeah, I'm gonna push them a little bit further to the left into the womb, I guess. Boy, this, this bet cemetery behind Castle's skull master, sure, is spooky. Spooky, very spooky. Ooh, and there, I hate it here.

It's scary. The mound knows I'm afraid of,ese. Yeah, I was gonna say I didn't want to bring it up, but your face is covered in beak bites. As a kid that he throw you into a pile of geese. He did, he did. The mound did. He put crawlers all over my face and he threw me into a goose pile. Wow. And when you say crawlers, you mean, or did you say crawlers all over my face and he threw me into a goose pile? Wow, and when you say crawlers, you mean, or did you say crawlers? I-I-I-chant? Crawlers, the donut, you didn't-you did not hear me? Chant, can you, uh, can you keep big cat in the mound, uh, occupied for a moment? Yeah, of course.

Uh, honey, can I-can I talk to you over here? Sure, you sure, what's up? Hey guys, check out this sexy dance. Ooh. Yeah, that out this sexy dance. Ooh. Yeah, that's really sexy. Wow, wow. He wasn't kidding. You used to be, I wanna apologize for coming at you so hard before I know I said I was

gonna fucking beat you up someday and you know, I think I might someday actually do that. That chance I'd like to see you try it, but I'd be shit on you so it's a big deal. I mean, like, I'm tired of your bullshit thing. Alright, well, go, but I'm shit,'m tired of your bullshit. I don't go shit, but I Troubles you and absolutely fucking wizard punch right liver to be a well lead out of mouth Let's go on that bed and fight each other if you want But what I brought you over here for was was remember remember they said that they ate biscuit and

That you tried we thought biscuit was a cookie then tried out biscuit was a pet then tried out Yeah, it was there other sibling. Yeah, I said well, I can bury biscuit in the pet cemetery And they'll come back. Well, they won't be the same Hmm, they had to be a bunch of cookie crumbs Huh So what the hell's going on here? Hmm, there had to be a bunch of cookie crumbs. Huh. So, what the hell's going on here? Here's my question, what kind of cookie do you think it was? O-O-O, are you a raisin?

Oh, shit. Yeah, it's not even a cookie. Oh, it's a good cookie. I thought. And I'll, in my dance, how I always do by shooting a crueller out of my butthole. Wow! We're bouncers at the Champagne room at Ye Old Gentleman's Club, and that's still the sexiest dance I've ever seen. Mm-hmm.

Oh shit, that crueller landed right on your head. Big cat, look out! Those geese! Oh, damn! The geese! Ah! Get them off me! I'll do it, I'll get them off and get out of there!

Ah, I know what's gonna kill my brother but me. I'll do it. I'll get him off. I'm gonna kill my brother. My B. Arnie, we swooped in out of nowhere. We've got to get back over there, Arnie. Yeah, you're already shut out the crullet. Yeah, yeah, I used to just bury those crumps somewhere. I'm sorry I'm fighting here. I love you buddy. Hey, love you, Mouge.

Wait, what? We're not there yet. I love to hate you is what I'm trying to say. I love to hate you too. Oh, come here, geese. If you give a goose a curler. John, don't be weird. John, your dance put feelings back in me sensitives I haven't had in a long time, mate. Oh, I'm so happy here. That wasn't the goal, but it certainly seemed to be a byproduct. But the feeling all went away when a goose bit when I'm a sensitives right out of it.

I'm sorry to hear well at least it's better to have, how do I phrase this? It's better to have regained the sensitivity in your genitals and lost it than to have never had it at all. Yep. That's one of the only things we ever heard are pausay. Yeah, the one day like between you being born and you fighting him seconds later. We were new borns but we have a very clear memory of him saying exactly that before we teamed up and killed him. I may have solved this mystery. Mound big cat.

Were you born when you woke up this morning? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I, I, I, we're in the womb. In the big, in a big womb covered with the big cheek. Oh, and the champagne, the champagne womb. And we were both covered in fluids, just completely sobbing wet from the waist down. Right. So you could have been anything, but yeah, it's part of it. Oh fuck, well, after all these years, who would have known that we would have such a linguistic

mystery? Well, hold on, this solves quite a bit, but not everything. Who did you punch and kill, and who did you eat? Biscuit. Maybe that's breakfast. Did you have, what would he call breakfast? Did you have morning yums? Yeah, morning yums. We punched it like usual and then ate it.

Great, I think punched it means masturbate and then eating the biscuit would be their morning yums is their breakfast. Okay, so they match right that's right oaky biscuit okay the plus they get excited and it feels like you're you're helping them say the things they wanted to say like these things are on the tip of their liquor or we woke up like we did every

morning we played a game of oaky biscuit and I was the one who won you should have had to eat the biscuit, not me. You wanted to eat the biscuit. I grew up with sisters. No, this makes any sense to me. There's only one way to settle this. Uh oh. Another game of Uki Biscuit. Well, perhaps we should leave. Should we go? Yeah, let's interview these geese over here. I don't know. Maybe we'd dig up a body and interview that Wait, I thought you could bring biscuit back. Yeah, you're gonna bring biscuit back. Oh, well I did very

Biscuit in the pet cemetery here and Okay, I have a new biscuit for you. Wow Wow, boy Now you did warn us that the biscuit will come back, but it wouldn't be quite the same, isn't that right? That's right. This biscuit's burned. It's burned.

It's burned. And also, not smothered in come, so two differences. Yeah, it's no use to us. One of those things you can fix, though, on your own. Hey, you just scrape off the Burton parts. Hey, a big cat. What do you say we put this burnt biscuit down and mash each other's sensitive bits

until we shoot out a bunch of feathers. Amen to that brother. I could get behind that amount. Oh, so when they were talking about a vagabethers earlier to eat they've meant oh no I don't I think so but also honestly they could be talking about anything and when they said they were sleeping on pillows stuffed with feathers fuck me I mean at this point I'm not a hundred percent confident their brothers like do they know what the word brothers is wait what are those geese made out of?

Those geese? Yeah feathers of course. Oh, no Big hat when you were tickling your brother earlier on the feet with a feather that was It was just a feather. I mean yeah, it was just a feather but in our speak if you get what I mean, you know I do. Oh boy. The kind of gooey feather you rub all over your palm. Get a dries into flakes. Oh, yeah, okay. Uh, okay. Hey, by the way, there's no blood relation between us.

We heard you wondering. Yeah, we're not brothers in this, the, we're born, we're like, have the same parent sense. Yeah. How are your brothers, Asim? Why do you parent sense. Yeah. How are you brother to send? Why do you, what do you call each other brother? Well, we had a ceremony where we got married. Oh, okay.

No, okay. Now I see the rings, okay. Yeah. Interesting. So that seems, congratulations. It's not easy. Yeah, congratulations. So you're not easy.

So you're a married couple that not easy. Yeah, congratulations. So you're not easy. So you're a married couple that speaks in a very confusing manner. So all of this is above board. We're good. We're all good here, right? Yeah. Except for those geese are nasty. Yeah.

So that's not nasty. We don't like the geese. In some ways, if you think about it, they were in the middle of their very personal for play and we're the assholes who inserted us. They're just shoved in on that. Now I see that now. Yeah, we kind of just went along with it for a while, but you guys have been really intrusive. Yeah, you know when they spelled out that way, Big Cat, I'm pissed off. Yeah, in fact, I think it's time to put my armor back on and maybe you put your sack on and maybe we show these guys what happens

when you mess with the big cat in the mount. Yeah! Oh no. Oh this is terrifying. We're gonna have to get out of here. Hey, hey, hey. They're here about to put that on the back on and smash us all.

Oh look at them putting on their armor. Guys we have about 25 minutes max. We gotta get out of here. Yeah, it's taking a little while. Can you help me put this circled on? It's doesn't, my head is in a weird shape. Can you help me put my sack on? Yeah, hold on, it's, it's, it's, where's the, you know,

this needs at least one hole. I don't know how you, you get this thing on. It doesn't have a hole on it. You know, I noticed that. How is it that Big Cat is having more trouble getting the sack on? These damn bracers, I can't get them fast But these damn holest sacks who sells a holest sack here. Let me let me cut a hole in it for you Big Cat

Oh Thank you, Mark some there is something sort of sweet about it. That's very sweet I've got this plus one dagger that has enhanced sack cutting capabilities Come on Mount give it a rest sack cutting properties All right, mounts do we kill these guys? Yeah, let's let's kill them. I find it highly unlikely that you would overcome the might and power of a great and undefeatable wizards such as I Listen now to my terrible speed away. Well, why? We need to be united as one, you know? Yeah, with us together, we'll be... Who's more powerful than the two of us combined?

You know what? I'm cutting another hole in that sack. And we'll be... From this point on, we'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place.

We'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place. We'll be in the same place. Yeah, with us together, we'll do's more powerful that two of us combined You know what I'm cutting another hole in that sack and it will be from this point on will be inseparable We'll be together in a walking womb. Wow. I'm gonna stick my head in it too a one man sack You see what you did you dip shit. You're in everything, honey Oh fuck now these dishes are working together and now they're gonna they're gonna try to kill us I know we're stuck in this castle with them for the Lord knows how long I also the sack is a wizard proof You can't a wizard can't hurt the sack. It's magic. It's magic damn a wizard proof sack. I should have known

It's also a Arnie proof and the job no sacks are It has it has negative chunk of properties. Yeah, oh It's a good insult me What the fuck do you hear that? Saksha said to me. Can anyone else hear that? I'm crazy Chunk negative chunk properties. That's what you bring to the podcast someone who's trying to horn in on your Territory that Saksha said that my fur doesn't go with my legs. What the fuck does that mean rude? Chunk you stink. Oh shit. This sucks.

John, you gotta fight that sack. I'm not gonna beat that sack, okay? John, your tail is more like a fail. Oh, come on. Is anyone else hearing this? This sack is Roode's help. Okay, well, fuck you, sack. Hey.

Oh, John, what did you do that for? Damn it, now I hurt the sacks, feelings. I'm sorry, buddy. That's okay. Sack, more like whack, was what I was going to say. Hold on, what I was going to say. But now that I see that you have empathy and your feelings can be hurt, I wanna mend you

and I wanna, I want us to broker a peace treaty. Oh, wow. Guess you don't know how to stick up for yourself, you loser. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, you got sacked! You got sacked. You folded like a sack. Well, that's you.

You're making fun of yourself. Fuck this. I'm gonna feather and feather you. Stop, don't amass, baby. Oh, fuck me. Oh, this is terrible. Wow, this is pretty easy for us up here. Yeah.

Yeah. I barely done nothing yet. The sacks do and only work. The sacks take care of this. See, you see the value of enchanted armor, big cat? It does make sense. Now what do you say? Mm-hmm.

We find a new biscuit to join us in this room. I'd love that boat. Wow, look at them heading off into the sunset in the same sack. And we know that they're just gonna fall fall asleep tonight, piss themselves, and wake up, and this whole story will start all over again. Sometimes life is pretty beautiful, huh, Arnie? Yeah, it's kind of like memento, but worse. And you said memento is what earth people eat to pick up cars and move them? Yeah. And oh, Arnie, speaking of Earth stuff, when you told us two years ago that in the 80s

every woman had feathered hair, what did you mean by that? I mean, I was just talking about like the sweetest hairstyle on Earth. But you said feathered hair, does that mean... Cameron Diaz, there's something about me, right? You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Can we make something as innocent as a feather unpleasant to think about? Hold our beer. Sorry about that far as Gump Marathon you've been planning for months.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolf Refy. Big Cat in the Mound were played by Mike Mitchell and Nick Weiger. Check out their hilarious chain restaurant review podcast, Doe Boys. And for even more Doe Boys, check out their Patreon, The Doe Boys Double. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacant, Matt Young, and Abel Rafaia, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Allard Laban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. For more Big Cat in the Mound, tune into ABC this fall for their television debut. APM Central, 745 AM Eastern. They usually coordinate those better. Remember, the title, the hosts, and all listings may say dancing with the stars Hunger Games Edition. But trust me, that's a Trojan horse so we can sneak big cat in the mound onto the airwaves for you the viewing audience.

While you're at it, keep an eye out for their new-time chat show Spin-Off Sack Lunch. Available exclusively on ABC. Almost brilliant comedy. I'm a real monster!