Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 62 - Couch (w/ Heather Anne Campbell and Nick Wiger from How Did This Get Played)

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

We meet a frightened talking couch and the magician that gave her life.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCouch the Sentient Couch: Heather Anne CampbellCouch the Magician: Nick WigerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. People of Earth. The following Autumn podcast is not real.

Yes, I've often long to experience Earth Autumn and now that I'm hiding out here, I'm ready to bake some leaves into a pie and grind up some sweaters, fireplace logs, and golden retrievers into something called Pumpkin Spice, which I believe you then snort. Hi kids! Meanwhile, the three individuals I have no choice but to call our main characters stumbled across an old portrait of Arnie in their wanderings around Castle Bone Daddy or whatever. Will they discover the meaning of this artifact in an intricately orchestrated multi-episode arc?

Or is this whole thing just us playing for time so James Cameron can finish the Avatar movies? I'm not telling. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from Castle Skull Master! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Five years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King. Through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, chronically, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and or tramped in a giant evil villains house, and I'm house sitting, and I have a sword stuck through me, and, ah, Chuck, what else and I'm house sitting, and I have a sort of stuck through me, and, ah, Chuck, what else am I forgetting? Oh, oh, we found this painting of you when you were a little Arnie, and it's real cute, it's real disturbing, we're not sure what's going on.

It's hard for me to wrap my mind around first. Why is there a painting of me in this magical world already? Like literally a recreation of my middle school photo, including Olin Mills in the corner, but also, why is it maybe the artifact, a mystical item that the Dark Lord is looking for? Yeah, I honestly don't know. And what's the difference between Olin Mills

and Jenna Romales? Oh, I'm trying to remember the word association that you did with that last week. And I don't remember. You told me that when you were this age that you were looking for a man in a red hat and also looking for a woman in a red hat. Mm-hmm.

You said, where's there is statler and Waldo, who's the old man who's always hiding. And then you said there is a woman named Carmel and she would travel the world and you were looking for both of them. Yeah, well, I think you're slightly misremembering. I'm saying at this age, I was obsessed with moon lighting about this man, woman, will they, won't they?

And I just always thought Again and again, I wrote them lots of letters. They should both wear red hats. Yeah, that's it So you know looking at this painting makes me miss my eggie baby and I feel like I'm missing Them growing up. I don't know if they are growing up I don't know if they hatched or if the the egg is the final product But it makes me miss my offspring, you know You only get one shot at parenting. You get one, you literally, you get one.

You do as a shapeshifter. Yeah. So, I just miss my Iggy baby. Let's see if, if a user has anything sad to add to this. Use the door, how you doing buddy? I am doing wonderfully. I for tonight here in the garden of Cosswell Skull Master under the full moon We shall finally cast a spell that shall have some impact upon the sword that is buried within

Nine-body. Is it possible I've got too many problems? Should we we should like pick one to solve like I have this sword stuck through me for a long time But also like what's going on here me moon moon. I call to thee now send down Dine powers of light and goodness and here into this body draw for the evil that plagues mine good friend on I'm sorry draw for people evil come to come out evil Stop whispering. Stop whispering in my chest. It's very Stop. Give me a little space like just a little bit That's interesting stop whispering in my chest is one of the banging butt stories I wrote. Oh really Mm-hmm. It's about a guy who whispers to titties

That would I mean are you open to notes? Yeah, of course, always. That would be the title, I would give it. Whispers to titties. I mean, okay. I don't think my spell worked at all. There's still a sword in your chest. It's been for several months now.

But my previous spell kept it frozen in time, so way to go, you should all. Good work. This was all so- Thank you. But my previous spell kept it frozen in time so way to go you should all good work This was a lot of elaborate way of for you to say to like congratulate yourself on what you've already done in the past Even though you've made zero progress forward. No, no, certainly not for I would not need to call forth my own past successes I would not need to call forth my own past successes, such as summing in a secret name that rained down a hellfire upon the very town of Augsface and saved all of the citizens there through their evacuation. Uh-huh. Are we gonna try to, like, expositionally cover everything we've done? I just need a little praise, alright? I've been trying to get us out of this shattering for a while, and uh...

Yes, I am a great and powerful wizard, but that does not mean that I am not a soft and sensitive person on the inside. No, Sean had a curse for a while in season one. Oh yeah! It's not what we're talking about. That's right, I forgot about it. We all got shit going on. Guys, I'm so sorry. I know we're all mid-exposition, but look over there. Look over there by the creek. There's...

Is that what? Is there some animal? Oh, it's taking a drink of water. What is that? It's kind of large. Yeah. It's hard to make out. Look at this moon, like a plush. Like a plush body.

It's not a hippo. it's not a hippo. It's not a hippo-grip. What is that? Should I call out? Yeah? You there! Look! I'm alive!

I'm alive, please! Don't burn me! Don't burn me! Please, I'm alive! No, no, no, no! I'm alive! No! I'm alive, you've done!

No! We generally assume we'd... No, no, no, no've done. No, we generally assume we'd... No, no, no, no, we won't go any way. I promise. I promise. I've never heard a creature scream it's alive over and over again. Something like that. It's not a bad welcome though.

Like when you meet someone for the first time. Yeah, I guess that makes as much sense as like, hi, how are you? It's just be like, I'm alive, I'm alive too. Right? That just cuts to the chase. Well like you said, Chuck, we all have things going on. We all have shit going on. Hey, living creature, friend.

Living creature, friend? Yes, I'm alive, I'm alive. Would you mind joining us over here at this? Yeah, don't burn me, don't throw me a pile at the brain, try and send me on fire. Cause I can feel and think I'm alive. Please, please. Can you please lead to that?

Holy shit, it's a couch! What? Look at it! It's got two cushions, it's got a double chase, four legs, it's a couch, that's a couch! I'm a couch, I'm a couch. Oh, hello, my name is Chant, I'm a shape shifter. Oh, I would, if there was one thing I could do, I would shape shift. But I am stuck in this form with a mind. And I'm, I'm, this is, I, it's nice to meet you guys.

Nice to meet you too. Do you have a name, couch? Couch, my name is couch. Oh my God, I guess it was one. This is the first time we've had a guest that I don't have to write their name down I'm thank you couch. Yeah nice nice to meet you. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Arnie. I'm Arnie. I'm human. I'm from another world. Oh Okay, you got a fancy you got a fancy bunch of what are those seashells? What is that like a is that armor? What do you got there? What are those seashells? What is that like, is that armor? What are you got there?

Was it like, you got like a worm attached to what looks to be and like a shiny acorn? And what is all that? I think she's either talking about the sword already. Cutter some fucking slack, she's new to language. I mean, I mean, I mean, people have described my penis that way before. So I wasn't

100% on that. Just be polite and agree with her. Yes. Thank you for your compliments, couch. Thank you, couch. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And I of course am Yusudor Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical the lights, the power of chaos champion of the greats of Trockus. The Ovesnomius Fyingalok, the Dwarvesnomius Zonenin Hook Stenges, and I am known in the northeast as Gascwainius Mastar. And there may be other secret names that you from there escape my lips, but you, good couch, have a unique opportunity as the first living couch I have air met, to give me your own secret name, a name that the couches shall know me by. Well, I've got bad news. It's just me.

There's not a race of couches. There's a... I'm going to die a virgin. I will never... I'm this... I'm the only couches. But if you want a nickname that I can give you, special just for you. To the to the to the couches to the couch, you shall be known as Charlie.

Oh, that's pretty good. Uh, known to the couches as Charlie. I've done it. That's great. That's great. You're you're you're a what are you? You can do like magic spells and, his cast.

I was a wiser, yeah. I'm begging you, can you please, please kill me. Just put me. Well, you don't need to be magical to kill a couch. I do not, I do not want, like, like I don't want to feel the pain of death. What I want is just cease to have been alive. I miss.

So it, you want to like, it's a wonderful life. Like, it's not just that you want to die. It's like you want to have never been. Yes, yeah. No, I want to go back to being a normal couch without mind or want. Let me reach out with my magical powers and see if I am able to destroy your couch

and make your dreams come true. Again, not destroyed. Don't, I don't want to be destroyed. I just want to destroy you couch and make your dreams come true again not destroyed Don't I don't want to be destroyed. I just want to be couch and just want to make out you agree to Euthanasius so fast like I'm glad to your open to it as a person but like so fast like you could be in a conversation Where you've misinterpreted what the person is saying and you're boom they're're dead. Yeah, do you, do you want to go to? I can take you out right now. No, I wouldn't do any barriers. Guys, guys, please we have a guest.

Couch, can I ask? Yes, it seems like you weren't alive previously at least some time ago. What? Did drinking from the stream give you life? Did us talking to you give you a rest of? I thought, if, no. If I would, okay, I want to break that down for a moment because I feel like you've got a misinterpretation of the capabilities of a couch. I could not have drank from this stream if I was not alive.

Couches don't do anything. That's where I want to go back to that. But two and a half weeks ago, uh, this dude brought me to life. And I, that, what else, that's the end, that's the whole story. Uh, all right. Hey, my friend alone. Whoa! What? No, no, no one, no one touch her, don't go near her.

I'm sorry, couch, they weren't gonna burn you, were they? No, they weren't gonna burn me, they weren't gonna burn me. Who's this guy and what formal dinner is he late for? Hi, look, I can explain what's going on here. Okay. Well, someone should. This is my couch, all right? And I accidentally brought her to life.

Oh, you're the great magician who brought her to life. I was confused because you're wearing like, it looks like a tuxedo and you have this fancy hat on. You just don't look like a wizard. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't call me a great magician. I'm kind of building up my practice, trying to get some clients put myself out there. I'm pretty new to magic as a profession,

but yeah, I'm a magician, I guess. You're gathering magic. Yeah, I'm gathering magic. This is kind of an engaged and a magic the gathering sort of situation right now. This bozo has not done another spell since I've been alive. I just want to make that clear. I'd look.

The nothing else is happening. Cow please. Yo, you please. Cow please. Are you punished? Are you, are you? I'm trying my best. And also, I take offense to my couch.

You said my couch. Like, I think I might have been your couch before I existed when I was just a couch. But now we're equals. We're in this together. Arnie, you can really feel the sectional tension. Look, I'm a magician. So far so good.

I'm a magician in the sense that I'm, you know, trying to do, well, let me give you an example of one of the spells I do. Okay. Actually, I'll demonstrate it for you. Okay. I'm already a couch alive. You can't one of the spell you're gonna,

what are you going with this, buddy? Okay. This is good. I'm sorry. Can everyone's names real quick? I am Yusudor the Wizard. Yusudor. I'm Chant the shapeshifter.

Great. Chant. And I'm Arnie. I'm from another world. Arnie. I'm Chant. I'm Ch another world. Arnie. I'm Couch. Great, Arnie, you're, yes. No, you said, our name, so I am a cow. Oh, I know your name.

I know your, well, I know your name. I know your, it's okay, your new to life, your new to social conventions. When you know somebody, you don't have to reintroduce yourself. Got it. That's your lesson for today about interacting with other people. Arnie, you'll be, you're're the perfect person I can demonstrate this trick on.

This is a really good spell. All right. Get up there, Arnie, get up there. Oh. How fun. You got chosen. You got chosen. Oh boy.

Sweetie, get up there. I'm a little nervous about Arnie every one. Let's give him some encouragement. All about me. How'd you look like you were hurting yourself. I can't, my legs are too far apart. I've got a wide stance, so clamping was hard. Oh, I'm not at it.

Yeah, I don't try to do that again. Maybe just sort of stomp or something. Yeah, flap your cushions. That might be a little bit better. Yuck. All right, Arnie. Arnie, here's what this trick is going to be. I want you to look what

Wasn't a euphemism Yeah, I'm pretty easy. You don't understand the physiology of encounters cushions cushions are labia. It's just we'll put it out there. Oh my god That's just where we are sitting Did I been sitting and sleeping on for years? Yeah. Good. God. I can't wait to go to high school with, was right.

What does that mean about couch potatoes then? That's something you should go to the elf doctor for. You guys see that? You should get that looked at. All right. Now we know. That's our lesson for today. Let me just do this trick, all right? We'll just just do this trick. Everyone clear your minds of what just happened. Because this will be a great polyconzer.

Okay, I mean, honestly, for my whole life, I'm not gonna be able to clear that out of my mind. I'll never say, I'll lay be again. I also, I've found so much loose change in a labia. That's wild. Stop talking about unrelated things, John. Sorry, sorry. Arnie.

Yes. I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt your magic trick. I didn't get your name. Oh yeah, hi. My name is Couch. Couch the magician? Just Couch or like? Yeah, couch the magician.

I named my couch after me when it came to life and asked or whatever. Technically, I'm couched junior, but nobody calls themselves the junior bird. I'm couched junior. Yeah, couched junior. What do you mean, C.J., if you want, I guess? I know.

Anyway, couch the couch, couch the magician. That might be an easy one. You go ahead, do your fucking trick, man. Okay, okay, here's my spell, Arnie, are you ready? Yes. take a look Okay, does this not appear to be an ordinary pencil? Trying break it Arnie chew it. What's right? I got if you're gonna bring that fucking thing to life. I'm gonna be so disappointed do whatever you want to it

Test it. It's a regular pencil try to write with it. Try it see it to see its firmness Okay, I guess I'll throw it in the creek. Okay, that really, I mean, I didn't say don't throw it in the creek, but that makes it a little. I got it now, I'm gonna retrieve it and it's all wet. How did, how did this kill me? Just get it out of here.

How does throwing it in the creek make it a regular pencil? Most pencils aren't in creeks. Yeah, really odd decision there. Nah, I didn't want to break it, but it a regular pencil. Most pencils aren't in creeks. Yeah, really odd decision there. Nah, I didn't want to break it, but it seemed very aggressive. No, that's fine. Look, I got it here, I dried it off, I dried it off with my coat, and I'm going to show you. They say there's no wrong way to be an audience participant,

but I think I'm, this is just like that time I saw a main stage show in Second City. I missed a bit. Whole review. Boy, I don't have context for that, but look, I'll... I have this trick. By throwing this into a creek, you have seen that this is by your estimate, an ordinary pencil. They went into a creek like an ordinary pencil.

Okay, but now you will see that when I wave my hand like this, it, in fact, is a rubber pencil. Huh? Pretty good, right? This power must be mine. What the fuck, Arnie, how did you not recognize it was rubber the whole time? No, I wasn't. I mean, if it was rubber, it wouldn't go in the creek the same way. Did you try and prune it? Did you try and bounce or dribble the pencil?

You fucked it up. You look like an ass right now. Sit down. I'll stop moving my hand and I'll give this back to Arnie. Arnie, you can just see what kind of pencil it is. Throw it back in the creek, find out. Alright, I threw it in the creek. It did the same thing.

Was it all flippity floppity when you threw it though? It wasn't flippity floppity, it was full on pencil. How have you done this? Couch the magician. I must have your secrets for my known Quick, let's take his brain. Yes, that's the perfect thing to do. No, please, please don't do that. Please don't do it No, I don't take but don't take my brain until I am no longer aware I really need this guy around because I

What am I gonna then nobody's gonna let me take a night at the end? Like how am I gonna like I'm just gonna be outside forever. Yeah, I kind of have custody of this couch. Oh my gosh, y'all, I'm so sorry. I think I misspoke. Arnie, didn't you say that, you know, if you like a podcaster that maybe you DM them and say I'll buy you a coffee and take your brain some time?

Didn't you say that's like a normal thing to do? What did I say? What is it? Take your brain, right? Take. It just means like I wanna know't you say that's like a normal thing to do? What did I say? What is it take? Take your brain, right? It just means like I wanna know how you do this. Oh, okay, I thought you meant, I wanna an hour of your time for a coffee. That's pick a brain.

Yeah. Oh, pick your brain, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I wanted to take your brain and I will. Look, I'm not gonna give my brain, I don't want my brain being given anyone. And you know what, even if you took my brain, you wouldn't be able to unlock it's secrets.

I have no brain, but I have thoughts. So like, what is that? You know, I don't have eyes, but I can see you guys. But you do have a labia. You made sure to specify you have that specifically. No, a couch. Yeah, for labia, but okay. A couch is labia, R is cushions.

I'm my, a couch is feet and hands are its legs. Okay, I would not have would have guessed. Yeah. What's a couch is mouth? A couch is mouth is the foam. Inside of, inside of your labia is the foam and that's where the volume, that sound comes out of. That's gotta be convenient.

It's anatomically baffling. I'm not supposed to be alive. I know, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't, I did it by mistake. I was trying to do what of my signature spells. Well, what was a spell? What was a spell? Every time I ask you, avoid the question.

I'll demonstrate it on Arnie right now. Are you gonna make my labia in a weird place? No, no, but I am going to make something appear where you thought it was not previously. What? Ooh. Chant, do you want to take a look behind Arnie's ear? See if there's anything behind there?

Yeah, I'd love nothing more. Let me just get up here. Arnie, do you mind if I scrambled up your shoulder here? Yeah, look at all the stickles. Okay, all right. Let's either one or both, or... Look behind bothnie, do you mind if I scrramble up your shoulder here? Yeah, well, well, the stickles. Okay. Okay, all right. Let's either one or both or... Look behind both. What do you see, what do you see?

Okay. Dealer's choice. And nothing back here. If there's anything embarrassing and unrelated, don't talk about it. Yeah, I don't... Oh, I see. Oh, there's a little musical note tattoo back here. That's...

But you said, you told me about that. You said you got that when you were 14. That is you were in... Touch a a class my middle school choir. Yes, okay. Yeah, it all checks up Okay, so I'll claim thank you, chant thank you Arnie now if you don't mind I'm just going to reach behind your ear real quick your left ear with my hand and what's this if this is a rubber pencil? I'm in a screen No, it's not a rubber pencil at all. It's a coin.

Oh. What the fuck? How is this possible? And it's pretty good. That's pretty good. Where did that coin come from? Why did you hide that from me behind your ears? I didn't know it was there.

I mean, I lose things places, but I didn't know there was a coin behind my ear. Army, have you always had an endless supply of coins in nine head? And I have been trying to raise money to fight the Dark Lord, and you, you old miser, you won't give me a penny. I mean, I guess I have always made my money with my ideas, but I didn't know it was a literal.

Ugh. When I came to life, you were the only person there, couch. So were you trying to pull coins from in your own ears? And is that what was going on there? Yeah, yeah, I mean, look, I didn't have a test subject to practice on, so I was practicing on myself. And so I tried to do the coin trick on my own ear and this is what transpired.

Oh, cow. I think it's a pretty common progression. You start practicing on yourself and then you practice on the couch. At least that's what theires. Oh, couch. I think it's a pretty common progression. You start practicing on yourself and then you practice on the couch. At least that's what the guy in high school said. Yeah, I was sitting on the couch practicing on myself. Couch, could it be that you're very loneliness? This solitude that you speak of

is what brought couch into existence that you are practicing your magical tricks on nine own needed a companion and therefore a companion came forth into the world. It was willed into existence. Yes, exactly. I guess it's possible. I mean, I didn't really think of myself as alone.

I thought of myself as not needing anyone, but maybe I did need couch. We all need someone. Also, why is couch terrified of being set on fire? Is that something that you brought up? Two weeks ago after I was made alive, we went to the town square and there's a furniture burning and I was put in the wrong pile

and my legs were caught and it was real traumatizing as like maybe my third or fourth memory that I made was almost being burnt. So it's really, it's up there in my fears. You know one of those furniture burnings they have at the castle? It's just good fun for everybody. If everyone comes out, burn their furniture, they don't need any more, but the couch junior ended up in the wrong pile. Yeah. Yeah, typically Arnie, I don't know if you've seen these. A lot of towns will have once a month, it's like everything must go.

All furniture must go. So they'll burn 80% off of furniture, a lot of crates, a lot of barrels, just to get rid of inventory. So that the woodsmiths and everyone who makes furniture can cocks the furniture can have a lot of plague in old furniture. Like it really gets into the seams. Furniture soaks it up. So I think it's probably also like a purifying process to burn all the furniture. Absolutely. CJ, can I ask you? Do you have any memories back when you were just a kid? No. It's like before before you're born, you have no memories.

It's just this, and so no, I wish. I have two weeks of terror, and that's about it. Has it gotten any better in those two weeks or is it downhill or kind of a plateau? I think I've covered all the other things. Uh, I'm, I'm, it is neat asking what colors are. Like each time we come across a new one, I'm like, oh, okay, okay, okay. Was that one?

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's cool. Are there any, could, could we help in any way? Are there any colors or, or any things around you see where you don't know what that color is? I mean, literally infinite. Oh. We could zoom in on, you know, any of these little colors here.

Like, see, there's this one right here and this little bush. Oh. So there's like, there's red, which I know, red. Yeah. But then like, there's on the edge of this blossom here, there's a little, what is this guy? This little color there, what's that one? Oh, that's a yellow. Yeah, yellow. Okay, so in between those two, what's that one?

Oh, so it sort of, it starts as red and sort of fades into yellow and between the two orange. Okay, now slightly to the right of the orange, but before the yellow, What's that color there? That's green. You don't know red-yellow or orange, but you know the word slightly Yeah Well, wait a minute. I know hold on. Let's let's do you want to go into the rules of consciousness when you're a couch because I got them Oh, I would love to. Only if you're comfortable. Okay, so I know the things that you need to know in order to be.

But I don't know what the other things are that are. So for example, I can be whatever I'm, I can be hungry, I can be grumpy, I can be sad, I get those. But like a flower, I know it's a flower, but what is the flower? And then also what are the colors? Crystal clear to me. It's the difference between knowledge and experience.

You have the knowledge that is innate, but experience has always new to you. Everything you see is the first time. You're only two weeks old. That's a wonderful gift. And as much as I would like to use my power to make you inert, once again, is you wish? I don't want to know, could you do something with this life? Could you perhaps join my quest to defeat evil?

Imagine what a boon it would be to have a couch that no one expects to be alive upon a great adventure and then when one of our enemies sat upon the couch after being so tired you classed your giant labia around them and pulled them down into oblivion. So is that some? We're okay, I'm not that deep you know like yeah if I pull if I pull somebody in they're they're going like a few inches. Have you tried? That's it. Try, what? What, tried what? Have you tried pulling someone into oblivion? In, time, are you a little guy in high school?

Where is the oblivion? Like, with, you look, your magical couch, maybe you have some sort of nether realm that you're connected to that you can pull of full sized ork down into and take one off of the board for us. Can I ask you about your number system? Is it like one inch, two inch oblivion? Because that's the only way I can understand what you're asking me here. Because it's just two, there's nothing else, man. I think that it's possible. All right, sir. Yeah, let's wonderful. Sure, somebody hop on and I'll try and suck you into oblivion.

Oh, what if I do that? I'm sorry. I've had worse offers and new big and buds. Use a door if I may. I understand what you're going for. And I get that the subterfuge and the element of surprise you can get from employing a couch junior in your scheme, but I've known her for longer than anyone.

And I think the problem you're going to run into is that she does not know anything. And so if you're in a scenario where it's like, hey, stay still until target X sits on you, you're just going to be met with things like, where am I? Who are you again? What is inside? Why am I feeling this way? Don't set me on fire and whatnot. Exactly. Yeah. Don't set me on fires a big one. That's a recurring thing, honestly. Also, you said, or I hate to turn this back around on you. And I know this is all for the good of defeating the dark lord. And how often are you recruiting someone and you just immediately assume, like, hey, would you join my quest? I'm assuming you'd be willing to have people lay on you and you suck

them into your labia and do it disappear. That's a lie, believe I said, that's a lie. That's a lie, I did not suck. I just want to clarify that for the record. Okay, to each their own. Now, I simply am looking for compatriots and here, what reason did this couch come into existence and perhaps it was to defeat evil perhaps,

it was to be a companion to the other couch. I don't know. Can I ask a question? What is evil? Like, what, I mean, I get it, but like, what, when you say dark lord, what's dark and what is evil? Well, evil, but she's good on lord. She's good on lord.

Yeah, lord is like, there's like peasant, and then there's knight, and then there's bishop, and then there's king, and then there's Lord. She immediately figured out the whole feudal hierarchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like day one, she got it like that, and I was like, oh, this couch has got a good head on its shoulders, and then that was like the peak.

It was all downhill from there. Metaphorically. Metaphorically, yeah. We spent six or seven hours trying to figure out what a turkey was after that. It could not get into my non-brain. Do you think maybe your mind is just full? Is that the issue? You just got, you have too much storage. You only have a limited amount of space and you need, you know, can't make room for new thoughts? That's not a bad theory. So if I got rid of the feudal system from my mind,

then, yes, you have her. And so after that, then I would have, I can understand things, other things. You think that I have a depository brain that accepts one piece of knowledge at any given moment. Yeah, it's a theory. It's a theory. I don't know.

I just want to make you not constantly confused and terrified of being lit on fire. Okay. I just want you to be, I just want you to be as comfortable in your skin as you look. Oh, I'm comfortable. I'm cozy. Do you mean for people to sit on or do you mean yeah, yeah, like psychologically? Yeah, so that's not what I mean. I mean, like I want you psychologically to be comfortable with the war. No, I know doesn't this look like a good place to sleep. Yeah, I mean, it does look like a new for years. It's like a great

place to sleep. Well, let's take a quick break. Maybe we'll take a nap and we'll be right back with more of your couching couch. Wait, I'm chill. What are you eating? Am I still supposed to define evil when we come back from the break? I'm not the fucking break police, I don't know the fucking no, do what you want. But we have to take a break, right? To hear about some comfortable couches and matches. I'm just saying during this break, if we want to rest, during the break, yeah. I mean, I don't want to like... CJ, can I ask, is there like a appropriate way to ask if we could take an app on you or?

I don't know why anybody would start asking now Oh, they generally speaking you get on a horse when you got to go somewhere The same way you get on a couch when you got to take a nap So I asked it answered there you go man aren't you glad you stopped this break sure fuck you feel like a big man uh so let's keep rolling tough guy no I'm sorry if I missed your cues I was just noting that you were missing other skews but that's all right let's go take a break well I say we're gonna take an app I didn't say take an app on the couch I said take an app wait where you gonna take it you in a f have on the couch. I said they can have. Wait, where are you gonna take that? You would have furred on that couch. Okay.

Oh, look at that. Couch, the magician just dropped 52 cards. Wait. You counted those so fast. Honestly, I just said a number confidently. I have no idea how many there was. It is. Here, drop these toothpicks.

It is. Drop these toothpicks. 4,284. Yeah, definitely. Wow. Let's take a break. And we're back and listeners, catch the magician has just asked Arnie to volunteer again. This is very exciting. And to pick one of the cards that he's holding here.

So let's see how this plays out. Any card there, Arnie. Pick any card. Okay. And then, and then I throw it in the creek? Don't, okay. I'm sorry. I should have learned not to specify this. Don't throw it in the creek, please. Just hold on to it. Why do I keep going back to that? I'm sorry. I'll be right back. I gotta get it. Oh, you already, he just did it immediately.

Yeah, I just pulled it out and threw it. He asked after he did it. He does that a lot. Still polite. Yeah. Uh, okay. Sorry. Oh, yeah, that's a long way to the creek.

Yeah, the wind really cut that card, huh? Mm-hmm. You know what? You're a real Ricky J. Okay, and now take that card and put it, shuffle it back into this deck. Okay. Okay. And please just cut it, just take half of the deck and put it on top.

Wherever you please. Okay, and then the other half. Don't throw in the creak. Stop right, I'll be right back. Oh, God, oh boy. Are you going to be able to identify his card? Well I was just gonna say the wet one was his, but now half the deck is wet so that complicates things a little bit. Okay sorry. That click so far. I think I got all my hope I'm so sorry I hope that's not

gonna mess with your card. Look it's fine fine. Let's just pivot to, uh, hey, check out all these scarves coming out of my sleeve. That's pretty cool. Wow. Oh, so many scarves. They just keep coming. Wow, where are they coming from? Where are they coming from? Where is that happening? How is that happening? How is that happening? Are the kids just having her reveals it happening? Oh, is it happening?

Oh my god. We should have somebody sit on his arm and get sucked into oblivion, because clearly he's got like an infinite space somewhere up that sleeve. Can we do that? Is that where you keep your labed trick? Oh, okay. I'm sorry I didn't ask you before. Since I already asked couch, would you like to join my quest to help fight evil?

You're a powerful magician clearly. You're not a wizard exactly, but still capable of the magical arts nonetheless. Imagine pulling a coin out from behind the interview. Oh, I guess it might come in handy in a pinch. I mean, did you really think that these, you know, a lot of people would say these are kind of just simple parlor tricks, did you really think that these, you know, that a lot of people would say these are kind of just simple parlor tricks,

but you really think these would be useful on a battlefield? Well, I mean, you have to think creatively, I suppose. I have a, or, or it's coming up to you with a great battle ax and it's about to swing it down upon your skull and crack it in twain. You could shoot your scarves out into his face, blinding him. Or could you pull scarves out of his eye? Like you could just keep pulling lots of scarves out of his eye?

I would imagine that would kill him work. I mean that's not really how it works, they usually got to come out of my sleeve. I also have to be honest, one of the best things you can do to fight evil is donate, and it seems like you have an endless supply of coins So if you could just keep pulling coins out of places and donate like we can do a lot with your money. I'm a fraud What what it's a lie what it's the it's done infinite supply of coins It's one coin Look I'll pull it out from behind use the doors here. There it is

I'll pull it out from behind chunsy here. There we are and from Arnie's here again. It's just one coin The trick is that I'm hiding the coin in my palm and then when I reach behind your ear I produce it. It's it's not a spell at all He's a charlatan and in a Durham 8 and a Raleigh 7. Arnie, you said that's a grading system on Earth. Yeah. C.J. Good news. I guess you're not alive? What?

Me? I'm not alive. He's a fraught. Are these all tricks? I mean, I took a different lesson. I thought I was adopted. I thought that was what had happened. I assumed I was like, oh, he's not my real dad.

And I guess I got to go out there and find him. Couched magician, what is the relationship between a magician and a thing that's brought to life? Like, are you? Couched juniors? Dad, do you think of yourself that way? I mean, Couched junior was an accident. I mean, I just want to be clear there. They would, did not want couch junior to happen.

And, sure. Now, the couch junior's here, you know, we just got to deal with, I guess, couch junior's my responsibility. So, I guess, in a sense, I think of it that way. And you're young, I mean, I can imagine you weren't. Yeah. And necessarily ready to have a couch.

I mean, yeah, no, not this level of responsibility, but, you know, I'm just powering through it. Look, the tricks are fake, but couch junior is real. And I don't know how it happened, but some maybe just doing the trick on myself, maybe some incantation I was saying without thinking, as I did it, is what conjured it into existence, but couch junior is real.

Hold on, I don't know if we can trust you. Ornie, give me that glass over there. Now, just run to the creek over here. All right, couch in the addition. Drink this water, and I wanna hear couch talk. Okay, now everyone wants to do magic tricks with the creek. By the way, I'm just assuming this water is safe to drink.

Oh, I'm sure it's not. I have creek water all the time, it's probably fine. Tell me when I'm just assuming this water is safe to drink. Oh, I'm sure it's not. I have creek water all the time, it's probably fine. Tell me when I'm supposed to talk. Just tell me when. Okay, I'm drinking now. Okay, that's when I'll be running. Okay, okay, the couch is talking. Guys, the couch is going to hold on.

Oh, wait. I was trying to, I couldn't think of anything to say. It's a lot of pressure to just be like, talk. Oh, no, that's, that's my bad. I've only learned about the costume weeks ago, and you're like, I don't, say some sentences right now, right now. What do you got? What do you got?

That's too much. That's my bad, that's my bad. Too much, I put too much pressure on you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, it seems that costume magician is telling the truth. The couch junior seems to be sentientin' ambulatory, and then the actual... I think we, I think we got I'm sorry. Well, it seems that couch magician is telling the truth. couch junior seems to be sentientin amuletorian and the actual I think we I think we got to test this the other direction though because now I'm

not entirely convinced that couch can talk when I'm drinking water. Oh, in fact, I would love to hear all of you talk while I'm drinking water because I'm not I'm not entirely positive. We know what's going on here. Oni hand me that glass. Carefully. And I'll just pour water out of this picture that's right here on the table. There you go, couch.

There's a glass of water. All right, I'm going to drink this water. I want you to see everyone in here say something. OK? All right, here we go. OK. And I'm drinking. I know it looks like I'm just pouring this on myself,

but this is what I'm drinking. We ought to start talking. We ought to start talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I'm drinking I know it looks like I'm't know. I don't know. Should I fill up the glass in here? Because I'm out of water. I'm out of water. I just thought. I just thought. I just thought. Yeah, no, I'm done. Oh.

All right, so we've proven that we're all real. I think you know, I think there's a good test to have in your back pocket as you fight the dark lord. Because you never know what kind of phantoms or what do you, the other ones. Yeah, there you go. You never know what kind of phantoms or ghouls you're gonna come across.

So you go, you should drink a water and see if they dock. This is a great test of consciousness. I drink there for you are. Yes, it's the clearest way to find out if something is sincere or not. Or like with flowers, you can just sit there and talk to them for 20 minutes and make sure that they're alive.

Already didn't you say you got a shirt like that at Senior Frogs? Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was a two-for-one deal. I drink there for you are and wine me, dime me, 69 me, and I wore those for a long time. Huh. Earth is pretty wild. I'm sorry, we're... We're...

Earth. Earth. Earth. Wait, what? We're... We're... We're... We're... We're... We're... Earth Earth Earth Wait, what? Worth? Did you say worth earth earth earth like like like does saying worth Okay, got it on his planet is named after dirt. Yeah, he's from the dirt. No, right cool planet, dude Dirt planet. No, this is gonna be this kind of magic show who's your king mud

That's good. That's good. Actually, that's pretty good. Actually, they have a king of burgers there who brought to Ani into this world. Fascinating. Man sure. Completely different culture.

I don't know what a burger is, but I... I don't either. Well, it's some ground up meat that you cook on a grill and then you place it between two pieces of bread. Oh, okay. Great. It's food. It's food. Sounds good. Sounds delicious. Yeah, it sounds amazing. Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for piling on your dirt planet. That sounds like a paradise. I mean, I mean, it has this problem.

But let's say the food I've had here on food is largely pretty bad. I'm wondering if it's too meta of me to suggest that couch senior, you should go around and you should eat a bunch of these burgers and from place to place and maybe, you know, start like a review system of your own. You might be able to, you might, I don't, I don't I like touring from kingdom to kingdom tasting the food is the food yeah just throwing out there giving my own so putting them on a

skin that does sound like a blast by the way how did you learn the concept of meta look I really abstract I got a good smart not street smart yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what it is. You know what, use a door, got her dead to rights. That's exactly what it is. For, I can go meta deconstructionalist. I can, I got a concept of philosophy, but I do not know what shoelaces, I do not know what, which way up and down is unless I'm reoriented ones and what.

Shoelaces are a type of fry that is sometimes served with burgers. Oh, okay. Wow, that sounds great. That sounds delicious. I don't have a digestive trend. So a lot of the food I've been eating over the last couple of weeks is just sort of buried in my labia.

So there's just a lot of crap in there. No, no crap. I can't digest. This is just loose food in my, in my genitals. Yeah, I used to just kind of get there accidentally when I used, when before you were sentient and I'd just be sitting on you, you know, eating my dinner and somewhat naturally

fall between the cracks, but yeah, you've, you've been gorging lately. I'm so hungry, I can't find my mouth. Oh, I've had drugs like that. Where'd you pour that water? On my cushion. Where else is it going to grow? Fair.

Well, perhaps I can use my magic to give you some relief. While I don't know that I can return you to an inert state, for life is very difficult to alter in such a way, once it is created, and without destroying you, I could transform you, I believe, though, into another form, like a survey, or maybe an ottoman, a papasssan. That's the thing, I think. All I've known, I don't know much, but I'll tell you what I do know over these last two weeks. I'm a couch.

Okay. And it may not be ideal, but all of us at some point in our lives are the couch of ourselves. And you gotta, you gotta take that couch in your heart yeah and you gotta be a couch as best you can couch it I think we should burn her what what she's lost it I mean this is burner there there is a pile of plague furniture out here by the guards. Yeah, no, no, no, no. No.

But please don't burn me. Please. Please stop dragging me towards the pile. I don't know why I know that. All right, wait, it could be a trick. Is this one of your tricks, couching magicians? You got me, this is one of my tricks. I really want to see it.

Yeah, I was going to pretend to like couch junior on fire, but then, you know, you'd be distracted by that. That would be my misdirection. And then, ta-da, there's a coin behind Arnie's ear. I would have to be on fire for this. Well, yeah, I mean, you know, how many of your tricks involves setting couch on fire? This might be why couches so afraid of being set on fire.

Well, I mean, she hasn't agreed to it yet, but I really think it could make me kind of stand out in the circuit, you know, I'm the one, the magician with the couch assistant, and hey, that couch goes up in flames. Oh, so you do a lot of like shows with other magicians and you have a whole magician community? I'm trying to get in there, you know, it's still,

I'm still kind of doing, you know, the, like just, there's open stage time and I'm kind of getting up there and doing my act for, you know, a half dozen disinterested people, just bombing over and over again. Yeah, all right. This guy said, this guy said,

all right, we did. We were kids in the last two weeks that I've been alive. Not one gas, not one round of applause. There was, there was a lady who threw a head of lettuce at him and then said, I hope that you never meet your father. Oh, wow. You don't know your father? Wow. No, no, I don't. Wow, that woman't know your father. Wow. No, I don't have that woman really had your number. Yeah

Does that come up in your act? Do you mention as a magician that you don't know your father or was that your mother? And that's how she knew oh fuck oh My god was it is it possible that that woman say what her name was what a cruel heckle that would have been No, and but I guess it's possible wait, so you also don't know your mother Possible? Did that woman say what her name was? What a cruel heckle that would have been. No, but I guess it's possible. Wait, so you also don't know your mother. She might have been in your magic show, recognized you as her son on stage, and your magic was so bad that she said, I hope you never meet your father?

That's the saddest story I've ever heard. No wonder this couch came to life. Good luck, guys. That's the saddest story I've ever heard. No wonder this couch came to life. Good, okay. That's rough. The fact that she was there at all kind of suggests that maybe she came to meet you, but then there was something about your act that kind of just wasn't up to par, change your mind.

She was so repulsed by my rubber pencil trick that she decided to just bail right then. You know, it tracks for me. There's like maybe 300 people in the village, right? And there's not a lot of like, what do you call it, upward or downward mobility. Everybody basically just lives there from the moment they're born until they die.

So the chances of your mom and dad actually being in the village is pretty high. Like it's not like it's- Well, hold on everyone, previously, moments ago, the couch said that she doesn't know up from down So when she says upward and downward mobility we should Conceitial like upward upward. The mobility is a concept. I got that one Which is the greatest point about public sport again

Yeah, there are a lot of parallels with these things if you understand upward mobility You can apply that to directions and begin to understand that up goes generally in an ascending direction while downward descends. Whereas I went in a condescending direction. upward mobility describes an accumulation of wealth. So in my mind, up is larger. How do you apply that to a cardinal direction? You know what I'm saying? That's a problem. Yeah, like to play a family futile, which is Arnie is a game in food, where you ask you ask like a hundred dukes about whatever to go from popper to prince is upward mobility to to speak to what you were talking about earlier. Yeah. Yeah. No, I got

that. If you remember, I don't I don't know if you dumped that information. I wouldn't know. I got it. I know I understand to go from operative prints That's a word mobility but it then Nobody looks at a mountain and says like oh, let's print that mountain Right, yeah, I'm really right. I'm you're right. I'm starting to suspect something what All the years I had couch junior before before, it was, she was alive. I used to spend the time sitting on her, lounging on her,

just reading a bunch of various books and tomes about the world. And maybe she somehow absorbed all that knowledge. Maybe that's why she's so book smart. Through your farts. Yeah, I mean, I was just... Would that just maybe that's all I meant? I mean, directly into her for like years.

I don't know that anyone else was thinking farts that, but it might be part of the process. Question mark. But now, already congratulations, starting into a labia is now canon in this fucking show. Great job, man. That is like a creek thing all over again for me. I don't know what this is gonna do to our reviews,

but thanks a lot, dude. Is that how you guys learn? Is that what we've never learned anything on this podcast? I think it's possible, couch. Yes. If you want to be oh, yes something else or Are be altered in some way I could assist you I could I could give you an extra cushion or

We can we can give you like a you could be like a couch with a mouth You said earlier you didn't have a mouth exactly We're dream bigger like whatever you absorb from couch reading on you, you can be anything in those stories or those books about the world. I want long hair. Then it is done. Arat.

To-lo-kar-sht-ah. Oratana-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah- Oh, yum! Arnie, what do you think the hair's gonna be? On the back of the couch, off one side, on the cushions, is this, so it's like pants on a horse. Like, where are you gonna be expecting most of it to come out at the bottom of the legs, but, oh, there it is. It's already there, what? Oh, look at my long, beautiful hair. Like Rapunzel, from the book, right?

From the Bominations. You guys, what? Oh, yes, oh, yes. Arnie, do you know the story, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah ankles so long that her mom was able to pull her out of the tower. What a story. That's like me now. It's really good. I'm Rapunzel. I don't want to say. What's long hairy legs? Hey, hey, use a door. Yes. While you're using your powers to change the states of things to maybe give them some satisfaction in the world, I feel like I envy couch juniors in the building.

I'm so beat. I'm out of the house. Wait, no, that was when I was sitting. God, oh God. Ha, Keon. Why is the hair off? Always coming out of the feet. Beautiful.

Wasn't it all when I was driving it? I was looking as long hairy legs. There's no need to thank me. Oh my God. Like father, like that. You could have assumed you wanted to kill yourself. Oh, it is thick. That is thick and beautiful hair that's coming out of the bottom of your legs.

The nightmare. Oh, it's already so dirty. Just from you shuffling around in place. It's, oh, look how well it collects the dirt. That's great. Rapunzel, nature's broom, that's what they call her. It's dragging behind me like a skunk's tail. Couching magician, maybe gonna ask if you could be turned

into a piece of furniture? Yeah, I was gonna say maybe turn me into a couch bag. I'll be the guy with the weird fucking Harry legs now. I'll be that. That will help. That'll solve my problem. You also want to be a couch and then there would be two couches. You would be a race. And you can be too. Yeah. Yeah. We could be two weird Harry couches and I could feel like I have a place in this world and couch junior could too. No, I hate to be this kind of couch, but I'm a bit of a turf when it comes to couches.

I'm not entirely sure that you qualify as a couch if you started as a person. Just, I'm not a good couch. I have bad, I take bad positions on a lot of things philosophically, but you do you. Arnie, in Foon, a turf is someone, a turf is someone who has a magical story and then suddenly you fucking hate them.

Oh, yeah. Does that make sense? I mean, it doesn't, but it does. It's like that Rapunzel author. You just started putting out all those scrolls with those really weird political takes. And like, what are you doing here? And also changing things, being like,

hey Rapunzel now actually, you know, was from a different land. And like, that's not in the text. Yeah, why was he saying? He's gonna retcon that, what are you doing? Everybody knows the story of Rapunzel here in phone. Everybody, I mean like it's almost a quiet reading. I'm a couch, and I read the couch.

Yeah. And the author was also like, and here's where Rapunzel used to shit. And people are like, we don a quiet reading. I'm a couch, and I read the couch. Yeah. And the author was also like, and here's where Rapunzel used to shit. And people are like, we don't need to let it like get about here where Rapunzel used to shit. Wait, what's this? Hold on. Hold on a second.

What's this? I've just found something in my cushion that I had seen before. It's a family photograph. Look, there's couch senior magician, couch magician, couch senior, confusing here because this is a baby, roughly. And then there's, so when I say couch senior

and I'm pointing at this baby, I can follow how old you are. It's weird to call a baby senior, sure. Yeah, yeah. But that's couch senior. Sure. And then these two individuals must be your mom and dad. It's just been stuck in here the whole time.

Wow, I never thought to dig in there. You think you're out of it's real? Yeah, I'm gonna throw it in the creek. Oh, oh boy. That's just gonna ruin it. Makes sense, that's what I would have done. Oh man, okay, oh boy. That's just gonna ruin it. Makes sense. That's what I would have done. Oh man, okay, yeah. Now I'm wiping it off and it is much harder to see their faces.

Yeah. Much harder. You can't tell that the mother was holding a lettuce plant. That's true. Look at that. So that was your mom and the audience. That was my mom. Maybe that was her job. Are you your cabbage batch kid?

Wow. Let's see your cabbage batch kid? Wow, let's see your butt. What? All right, I'll, what? Go ahead and stop my trousers and show it to you. Does they do that any time a stranger has to see it? There you go, take a look. See if there's anything unusual there.

There's a signature on one of your butt cheeks. Wow. Yeah, it's a birthmark I've had moved as long as I can remember. What's that peeking out? Is that a scarf? Let me pull on it. Whoa!

It just keeps coming. Oh, no! Oh, God, it's giving wetter as it goes. Oh! This is not magic. Tada! It's like I started a lot more. And so the amateur magician pulled a string of increasingly damp scarves out of his butt

to the delight of all. The end, you can almost hear children across the land snuggling deeper into their pillows, drifting off like Colombo just finished reading a children's book. Usurral the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking Badger was played by Adel Rafaia. Remember when Adel said, I don't know what this is gonna do to our ratings? I think you do no, Adel. I think you do.

Couch the magician and Couch the sentient couch were played by Nick Weiger and MIT Robotics Lab crowning achievement Heather and Campbell. Check out Nick and Heather's podcast about weird and terrible video games. How did this get played on Stitcher or wherever you listen? Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Special Assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hmm, which autumn tradition shall I try first? Berying people underneath all the fake gravestones in people's yards, or sleeping in my very first cranberry bog. I think I've got enough energy for both, but that might just be all the pumpkin spice talking. Hey, hey, I don't mean to keep hammering on this, but I am still alive. And the only thing I asked, it's the only thing I asked, is it maybe I could just go back to being a normal couch.

So guys, hey guys, hey guys. Oh, they're sleeping. This is what sleep looks like. They're all curled up on me and sleeping. and sleeping.