Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 63 - Spider Mom

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

We meet a spider that's stressed out about being stuck at home with her hundreds of children.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCarol the Spider Mom: Christy BonstellMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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A real podcast would have reached some satisfying conclusion years ago, whereas we keep stumbling erratically forward like that one ATST the Ewoks defeated with lumber. Here on your own native earth, autumn is upon us. Daylight grows shorter, temperatures migrate south, and soon the first ice crystal will descend from the sky. This, combined with a public health situation that is, uh, not great, means you may be spending a bit of time indoors in the coming months. So, if you're not 100% pleased with your fellow inhabitants, start poisoning those relationships now. Go on, borrow too much. Smear things on flat surfaces.

Lake other people's books. Basically figure out the configuration you want and drive like hell towards that goal. And keep me posted, I love shocking developments for good and bad. Well, that's enough fun for today. Let's shove this feel-good vibe into a canvas sack and toss it in the river. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from Castle Skull Master, a weekly podcast for the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arunini Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into

the magical, fantastical land of f food, blah, blah, blah, a lot of stuff. I'm sorry I'm a little bit distracted. I've been looking through Skull Master's diary that I found trying to figure out if he mentions the artifact. I'm gonna flip through these pages here. I think, I think so. I think, Chant, I think I found some clues

about the artifact. Ooh, details. Would you find out? Okay, so well, again, it feels so weird to be reading someone's diary, and I feel a little bit bad about that, even though Skullmaster, he's a bad guy, so maybe I shouldn't care.

Oh my God, oh my God, I wish you laid out, let's lay it on the ground, and put our, let's put our head in our chin and our palms, and let's read this diary. Okay, well, he talks a lot about some of the potions that he's taken and some of them are kind of embarrassing so I feel a little bit bad about that. Uh oh. You know one time I went swimming and my friend David was watching and when I came up

out of the water my top fell off and I was so embarrassed. Your top, my top came off. Like your top? Yeah, my top came off. How do you not understand this is an embarrassing story when I was a YM when I was a young mammal. Oh I guess I wasn't like sometimes I'm not sure if something has a more fantastical meaning but top like your top. Yeah like my top. Your top my top came off. Your top came off. Yeah does that make sense? Let's read the diary. Whoa, uh oh.

Okay, let's see here. I feel like you're not getting into reading this diary. Oh, okay, well, first of all, listen to this. He's talking about how Cynthia the rat is a total bee. Oh, juicy. Mm-hmm. And he also, he talks a lot about how he can't stop crying before he goes to bed, which I'm sorry

I'm trying some of you that's a thing, China I really want to get into this sort of dish vibe with you But a lot of stuff that Skullmaster talks about is kind of sad Feel a little sad for Skullmaster, huh? Who would have ever thought of a sad diary? Right like do those exist on earth? Is there like one? Sad diary? No. No. Oh gosh.

Oh, but here, and this isn't scandalous or anything. Okay. He talks about how his minions found the artifact, right? We were looking for the artifact, and he's got, he just in pages of him being like, why is the artifact this painting of a weird little boy with kind of a mustache? Oh, buddy, are you okay? I'm sorry. Oh, do you need some aloe for those burns?

Oh, shit. I didn't put it together. He was talking about the painting of me. Yeah, I need that weird little mustache. The weird little boy with the weird little mustache. Yeah, you told me earlier that you were trying to look like Vincent Price. That's why you grout your mustache. It was the late 80s. Everyone on my world was trying to look like Vincent Price from Edward Sizzarhands. That was just the time it was.

I know none of this makes sense to you, when you come to my world, we're gonna watch Edward Scissor Hands. We're gonna watch Edward. We're gonna watch all the Ed movies. We're gonna watch Ed. It's about a monkey. You're gonna love it. We're gonna watch Ed TV. You're gonna hate it. Love all of this. Arnie, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I can't wait to go to Earth. I have so many questions, I have so many things I wanna, you know, experience and I just honestly, I just can't wait for the day, you know. And I feel like to, to, to, you know,

I've been going a little crazy, a little stir crazy because we're in the castle. But to keep myself sane, I have been interior decorating. So I don't know if you notice, but you source been helping me. He's been magicing things I need magic. It's moving things I need move. That's right, I've been magicing things. And I don't know if you notice, but Usur has been helping me. He's been magicing things I need magic, he's moving things I need move. That's right, I've been magicing things.

And I don't know if you know this, but this room, this great room now, the wallpaper is now like a chevron. If you don't know a chevron, chevron is a foolish word that means after you, ha ha, but me first. So it's just kind of a thing you say, it's like chevron and then you step in front of someone. But that's a nice design. And then I move sort of these vases over here

and we have this couch over here with the ottoman and some drapes, I got some drapes in here just a little kind of lighten it up a little bit with some tassels. That couch is not alive. Oh, yeah, to be clear, that couch is not alive. Yeah, I feel like every time I meet a couch I gotta make sure it's not alive.

Yeah, and I'll never sit on the couch again. Sounds so sad. I helped with all sorts of parts of this. All sorts of little bits and bubbles. I just, I did a lot of the stuff. What do you like best, the ony? Yeah, Arnie, what do you like best? I sort of like the big stuff at the top.

Okay, what's specifically, because some stuff I did and some stuff you said or did. So you're gonna hurt whatever feeling. Yeah. You're gonna hurt whatever feelings. So which one? Oh, what with things specifically? Yeah. It's all good. I like every part of it. I couldn't pick a part that I like better than any other part. Oh, okay. Well, because there's there are some parts I'm very proud of. I worked very hard. What were those parts? What do you see the little tiny crystal embellishments on the sconces?

Oh, that's my fate. That's one of my favorite parts. I did get right under that. Oh, that? Yeah, the stencils. That's part of it. The stencils? I painted some stencils right under there.

I'm sorry, I thought that was dirt. Oh. Oh, okay. The stencils, I painted some stencils right under there. I'm sorry, I thought that was dirt. Oh. Oh, okay. But now that I see it's a stencil, I love it. No, too late, too late. More like a figure design, we get it. We get it, Arnie, we'll change it, we'll change it all.

Okay, well, look, let's, let's get out of it. Look, I feel like I've ruined the vibe in this room. Yeah, you think so? You've disrupted the energy for sure. Look, I wasn't the one that did the stupid fucking dirt stencil. Alright? Oh, it's bad. How?

How? How? You find- Oh, you transform this room a thousand times or if necessary, but I am a great and powerful wizard, and there is not that I cannot accomplish I make them all and you know what the dirt still ever see the dirt stencils better than the rest of it because the rest because the dirt Because the dirt stencil at least seems like it was an accident

It is like a bad choice. I just muttered something under my breath in this owl came get out of here Ow excuse me for a minute. I just muttered something under my breath and this owl came out of here. Ow, I'm, excuse me for a minute. I'm gonna write in my diary. Dear Tyree. Don't, and you're writing over skullmaster's diary. That, there are important clues in there. Well, I'm feeling in boredom oceans right now, and I need to jot them down. So excuse me, dear diary again.

Arnie is being such a beast. What's the point of the diary if you say it out loud and I can hear it? I think we need to de-escalate this entire situation. Let's just all take a deep breath. Of course I can breathe in far deeper and longer than rest of you because I'm also good. Now, let's just go into another room as Annie suggested and then we'll start the whole show up. Because we have been in this room a week. There's a long time to be in one room.

Yeah, it's a long time. Oh, here we go. I found this room the other day. There are some beautiful chays, lounges, and places we can get comfortable in here. It'll be very nice here. There we go. Oh. Oh, what happened? It seems to be covered in cobwebs. We can get comfortable in here. It'll be very nice here. There we go. Ah. Oh. Hmm.

Oh, what happened? Uh, uh, it seems to be covered in, uh, cobwebs. There's a giant web. Arnie, did you do that? Oh. Oh my God. Are you, are you, are you full grown? Uh, uh, are you not children?

No, they're asking that before. No, they're not. We're not. Yes, we're, the three of us are not children. Thank, they're asking that before. Oh, Ron. Yes, the three of us are not children. Thank you so much for noticing. Oh, please, please come in. Please come in. Oh.

Please come in. It's been so long since I've talked to anyone who is a child. Please come in. Thank you, voice. Aminus voice from somewhere. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm over here. I'm over here.

I'm Carol. Oh, oh, oh. Oh. Spider-leaf over here. I'm over here. I'm Carol. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, spider. Oh, sorry. Hi. Hi. I'm sorry. I don't like to drop in on people. You know, it kind of freaks people out sometimes. So you are the biggest spider. I think I've ever seen. Dear diary. Oh, well, thank you. I really appreciate that I have been working on my figure. Oh, well, well, mission accomplished. And I'm so sorry to ask this. You don't buy, I can't see behind you.

You don't happen to have an hourglass figure, do you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not dangerous in any way. Unless you're a bug, are you a bug? I've been a bug, I guess. Well, if you decide to be a bug, then you know, you better watch out, because I will get you. Classic spider jokes. Classic spider jokes.

Yeah. But seriously, it sounds like you should not be a bug. Yeah, I'm not going to get a one. That would be bad. Carol, I must let you know, my friends and I, we record an audio show that we send into another world. Would you like to sit down and speak with us for a while on this audio program? Oh, you know, I didn't understand a lot of what you said, but as long as you are not children, I would love to talk to you for an extended period of time. We are definitely not children. I am over 300 years old,

even though I have looked like this since the day I was born. Oh, that's amazing. I have over 300 children. Oh, damn, what a coincidence that you know of. But it is true. Well, and I gotta tell you that the number does change pretty much by the minute, so.

By the minute. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know, there was an owl in your earlier that I think took out two or three. So it's, you know, it's hard to say. Yeah, sorry about that. I think I called it by saying a curse word. And I can prove, I can prove I'm not a child

because let me grab here. Oh, look, I have four gold coins. So there you go. Would a child have money? Probably not. Probably not. Certainly not would have mine. I could tell you that. There you go, Arnie, you have to prove you're Would a child have money? Probably not. Certainly not, what a mine. I could tell you that.

There you go, Arnie, you have to prove your not a child. I mean, I can't prove it. I don't have an ID or anything on me, but like, look at this beard. I got so much gray in it, I think. And Alcano, I must ask. Why are you so excited to see non-child-sized beings? Oh, well, I'm sure as you know, we're all trying to keep our distance. So normally my children would go somewhere else

to learn everything they need to learn, but they can't. So I have to make sure that they're all set up to learn from here. I see. Normally they go to like a tree or some dirt. Absolutely. And do some spider things there. Absolutely.

You know, but they can't do that right now. So instead, I have to just make sure that each one of them has their own web connection all set up so that they can learn remotely. Oh, that sounds easy. And for 30 kids? Yeah, no, it's a setting up 300 separate connections because they each somehow ended up with a completely different teacher.

It's really, it takes up most of the day I'm I'm sure you can see I work nights so I am available, but it just means that I don't really sleep So each child has a piece of web that there's a teacher on the other end and and I think I was a spider once is it vibrations through the web that you communicate with? That's right. That's very good. Yes, that's correct. Well, I bet you're a good-looking spider. Oh, thank you so much. It was, I looked weird. Oh, you know, it's, you know, it's, thank you, but thank you. Oh, you're welcome, you know. Do the spiders ever have to like

mute their vibrations? Like, if the teacher spider is vibrating to all of the students and the kid spiders are vibrating on the web too. Oh, yeah. And you know what? Webs are just not set up for this kind of connection. Like, you know, we really were not prepared to have this kind of issue. So there's a lot of other problems too.

You build a connection and then a bird flies through it and then you got to reestablish the connection. I don't, humming birds often use webs to build their nest, so sometimes they'll take that, and then you gotta replace that. So, I gotta tell you, it's not ideal. It's not an ideal situation I don't think for anybody. I have to imagine with that many kids,

and like if there's a bird attack, do you want to limit the amount of scream time that your kids are having? Yeah, you know, I really, like I said, so this is my fifth, I guess, birth. So this is actually my 1500 set of children. So I've been down this road before, and I really, I'm a very hands-off parent.

I'm very into nature learning. So I like to get them out as soon as possible. I don't know if you noticed, but there's no Mr. Carroll. Oh, I didn't want to ask. I thought it would be rude, but I think you're doing great I think you're doing great spiders. I just see hundreds of spiders. It's hard to tell Which one which is which well that's that's kind of rude very good. I can't remember what instant Can't remember what insects do sometimes. I do have to ask did you eat your husband? Is that is that spiders? Oh? No, no, that's no that's that's, no, that's not me.

I think you're thinking of a praying mantis. Yeah, that's what a yeah, yeah, that's it. Thank you so much. They do, they do eat their spiders. They don't eat their spiders. They eat their spouses. No, ours is just, we just very much have a hookup culture. Yeah.

We have an app called Spinder. That we use to connect with each other. What about bumble bees? Do you ever get busy with bumble bees? You know what? I am pro all of that. I happen to just be attracted to other spiders like myself. Oh sure. And I really enjoy being a mother. I do. Usually, usually you wouldn't hear me complaining at all, because it's just usually for like a day. So.

Yeah, then all the little baby spiders, they all just float away on their little web shoots, right? Yeah, and you know, a lot of them don't even make it out of that first 24 hours. So you know, you're to see your grandkids come back in a couple of days. So, it feels good. But this is, you know, I'm making 300 lunches a day. And that is not sustainable.

And that's a lot of liquidated fly corpses. Carol, I have to ask, You said you have 300 kids. Yeah, well, I mean not all the same time, but yeah, it's over, I guess. I do have to ask you, I hate to put you on the spot. And I don't mean to be rude. I don't mean to be like a prickly stickler

who's like trying to get you, but just name one of them. Oh, I can do that. I can do that. Kyla is my favorite. Okay, check that out. So, say that in front of that. Well, they're asleep for the first time all day. The way I do think I get a chance to talk to you. This is the perfect opportunity for you to sit down with us and take a break, kick back. Do the things you need to do to take care of yourself and then at the end of our

time together decide whether or not you and your terrifying spider children want to join my army and fight evil. Oh that sounds like fun. I don't know if I be able to find the time for it but but yeah, I know I was just about to kick back with a little fermented nat. Is that what's in that box over there? Yeah, it's a little brew that I make myself. I just leave it in there for a long time. Do you mind if we talk to each other?

No, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, how rude of me to have not offered that to you, please, by all means. Formented net. Formented net. It is in the past. That's past? Yes. I'll fix that.

Is it me or do, it seems like only mom's drink box net. You know, I feel like that's a little bit of a stereotype. Honestly, I do. I have seen. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. Well, I guess I haven't really seen male spiders for more than like the two minutes, you know, that we're doing it.

And so I don't, I guess I don't really know what they do. I don't mean to pry, but like, how do those dates go like before? You know, like when you see them, do you like hang out chatter? You know, I'm going to be honest. Sometimes I don't see them. At all? No. Sometimes, because you know, you can just kind of move

through the web and kind of swing into another web. So sometimes I don't know what's happening. And it's OK. WAM Bam, thank you, Spider-Man know what's happening. And it's okay. WAM BAM, thank you, Spider-Man. That's correct. WAM BAM, thank you, Spider-Man. Oh, Arnie, Arnie, sorry, Arnie, let me get it. Oh, no, buddy, buddy. Sorry, you're holding a rule of view.

Say, for above your head. If you hand a Spider-Newspaper, make sure it's unfurled. Yep, sorry. So they can read it, okay? That's okay. I totally understand that people have sort of a knee jerk reaction to me. I wish more people understood how beneficial I am. I'm really here to help you.

Oh, really? Well, we were used to it or an eye. I'm chunked the shapeshifter. I don't know if we introduced ourselves. That's used to it or the wizard. You did not. I know that my noticing how handsome you are. Well, thank you so much.

I do have a nice coloration to me, hopefully. Yeah, I'm a shapeshifter chant. This is you sort of a wizard. We have Arnie the non-child. I'm from another world. I think in your head that sounds more interesting than it really is. It's pretty interesting. I'm like, you know, this world, I'm from another world. Interesting as being a wizard who was born into this world from a conspiracy of rain and birds and wind and fire That insisted there must be a champion. Is it as interesting as that? Hmm damn once I'm all over those birds Sick bird. Oh wait, maybe I should frame this in a way that a spider might understand. I'm from another room.

a spider might understand. I'm from another room. Oh wow you know I'm very small but I'm not dumb. I am though. Arnie's large in dumb. Well you saw an iron wire we were kind of redecorating the mansion, the castle as it were. Could you help us with that? I mean I love I have to say your webs and I'm not just blowing smoke your webs are Perfect divine Wow, thank you. I I would love to help I I honestly like I said I was I was just about to sit down and have a little box net and I was gonna do what I usually do to kind of calm down at night. I was gonna do some cross stitching So maybe maybe you'd like some of that around your rooms. Oh, I would love that. Let me ask you, we've little funny sains

into them. Well, this one is going to say, home is where the web is. Oh, that's nice. I like that. Yeah. It's sincere. That's what this huge castle fortress of a villain needs. It's a little bit of ominus. Yeah. It's some quite sains that will just cozy the whole place up. Yeah, have something like a Hoboody's Nurfict. Or one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- one- Something like that, right? No wait, the first one you said. Did you switch the letters P and N? Yeah, I think... Hahaha!

One time I was eating soup and there was a poster behind me and I held up my spoon and in my spoon the words reflected but they jump a little bit so I called that a spoon and in my spoon the words reflected but they jump a little bit so I call that a spoon or a Hmm. Well, let me just change my thread and I can knock that one right out for you. I like this little one you have here that says don't talk to me before I've had my liquidated cockroach. Oh, yeah, I mean it is a joke but also not a joke, you know what I mean? Oh, yes.

Yeah, especially when you got 300 kids waking you up in the morning. I also don't want to be a stickler or a little stick in the mud, but what's the name of your favorite child? Kyla. Chex out, you definitely have 500 kids. I'm going to tell you guys the honest truth because I've had a little net and the night is getting late. Uh oh, that's only on the floor.

Oh, oh, yeah. Okay. Here is what I'm going to tell you. All of my kids are named Kyla. Oh, my God. Oh, that is brilliant. Oh, my God. That is brilliant.

It's the only way I can tell them all apart. Really smart. It saves you a ton of work. It really does. You can fill out a form and then just use magic to copy it. That's exactly right. One form. Absolutely.

I suppose spiders don't have a lot of forms to fill out, though. That's a very human-centric thing for me to think. Even though technically I'm not human. But I do live in the body of a human currently. Well, where it really comes in handy is, again, I mean, during this time we've been together, I've probably lost 30 to 40 children. Yeah, those cats over there in the corner

are making it a little less difficult. Yeah. So when they're all named the same, it just takes the edge off. You know, oops, lost another Kyla. But I have 270 more Kylas. So. Kyla's still here. Kyla's still with us.

Kyla is always with us. That's correct. Yep. And did any Kyla's run away? Because I feel like I might like Kyla run. But I feel like there's also, this is really tough, fun, packet. If it feels like it's tough to unpack, let me shine a ray upon it. It seems like it's almost irredeemable to run away, but then if you make me at the end

like the fact that Kyla run away, then I feel like, should I like this character? But it's also, it's a terrible thing. I don't know. It's tough to unpack. I don't understand. I think you've been solo on that one. you right is that the one? It's been a while since IPB 8 so I'm a little lightheaded So when you say you lost them I am so sorry to ask they they passed away or they're they're lost oh

Yeah, no they you know They're eaten by many things You know or are smoshed by many things Yeah, what's a spider's and what kind of have you said what kind of spider are you specifically? Oh? Yeah, I'm an orb weaver We're from a long line of orb weavers What are the some of the natural predators or unnatural predators of the of an orb weaver? Oh some of the natural predators or unnatural predators of an orc weaver. Oh, well any bird, really, you know, which is a real shame because I think they're beautiful creatures, but they really are.

And they're smart and they're nice and they're fun to hang out with. They seem like they would be. I've never really been able to get close enough to wine. I think my shell is a little too attractive as a crunch, you know? So yeah, but also like, there are lots of snakes and things that we'll also eat as reptiles, the like. Shoes. Which is our after us all the time.

And I do want to point out, you talked about your shell being alluring to a bird. I do want to point out, it does look like you knitted yourself some swap pants that say crunchy on the butt. That's kind of fun. I mean, we're all doing our best, you know, right now. And I just decided to give into it. I just said, you know what, if I'm going to be home with all these children by myself as

a single mother, I am going to make sure that I am as comfortable as I can possibly be. And, you know, it's not that big of a deal to add a few extra pairs of legs onto these pants. So sometimes I have them just cover a couple, depending on how cold I am. Sometimes I have them cover the whole thing. Arnie, you're bad at math. That's four pairs. What? Four pairs of pants.

That's like six legs. Let's take a quick break while I explain this to Arnie. Haha. It's eight. It's not six. It's eight. Just look over there. Carol, look at Carol. Oh, spider? Don't objectify Carol, but just count her legs and then look away respectfully. I know, I'm sorry, I looked over and I forgot there's a spider over there and it scared the shit out of me.

Maybe I don't have object permanence. Maybe you are a child. Oh, shit, a wizard. Yeah. See, these are the kinds of things that my children would normally be learning out in the world. Which one? Which child? Kyla.

Oh, okay. You're fast? Yeah. I'm from another world. Kyla, yeah, this is normally what would be happening, right? They'd be learning things like jumping and distance and how to lure somebody into your space and then mercilessly drain the life blood from their body. Just like most children, I feel like learn.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like most children aren't do you suck the life out of you, right? And spider children. Preach. I should learn that last one. Draw you into my space. Some of this jumping and leaping and luring, it seems like it's especially hard to learn it over vibration, you know, like it would be easier to learn it like in person. Oh, I mean, it's a joke. Okay, let's be honest, it's a joke. These kids can't sit on the web for eight hours a day.

It's impossible. And I try and give them breaks, but honestly, the more breaks that I give them, the more of them are gonna die. So, I just have to kind of keep them all as connected as I can, hope for the best. Make sure they're snacks. Have you ever thought about,

what is it, it's like when you take your webbing and you corral all your children to keep them in one place? I think it's called home spooling. Have you tried home spooling? You know, I have. I have tried home spooling. Have you tried home spooling? You know, I have, I have tried home spooling. I've also tried unspooling, which is a very popular sort of new thing to be doing.

Is that like a Montessori spool? Yeah, you know, it's like, it's basically everything you would learn and if you were spooled, but unlearning it, because, you know, who knows where that information came from and maybe the source of that information wasn't good to be con with so you know you want people to listen to their intuition. Yeah already didn't you say on earth there's an uncola yeah seven up it's okay. Well right now you don't have to worry about Kayla you can just enjoy yourself. Kayla. Sorry, Kayla, pardon me. Kayla, you don't have to worry about Kayla right now.

We can just pass the time, have a good time. Here, I brought this ball. Why don't we just throw this ball around? Yeah, there you go, honey. I can't, I gotta roll out the door. I'll be okay. I'm going back. But yeah, your kids are sort of out of your hair for a minute.

So what do you want to do? I mean, once the ball's back, we'll toss the ball around. But is there something that you don't get to do typically that we can provide, maybe? I'm sorry, are you offering to babies it? I guess I am now. Because I gotta tell you, it's, by now, I would already have met somebody for the night.

Oh. So, it's, mama's got needs. And so if you're willing to stay here and make sure that they all don't die because they really shouldn't all be in one place. Oh yeah, and now that I'm kind of, that I hear you say that, and I'm looking around your sort of a boat here, I do see that there's about a thousand cross-ditches that says, Mama got needs.

Yeah. That does seem to be something weighing on your mind. And in fact, those are the pants that I would put on if you guys are willing to stay. Oh, so you take off your crunchy pants and you put on your mama has needs pants. Yeah, but they're really leg warmers. Oh. They just go on the legs so everything else is really accessible. I've retrieved the ball.

Did I overhear you saying that we were going to watch the kids? You said or hey you said or but I'm gonna watch the kids you go on a date with her. Oh yeah, yeah. So I'm gonna watch the kids and like can you leave me like one gold piece for like you know food or something? I got it. I got it. Okay.

Thank you. All right. We got it. All right. Bye. Bye. Have fun. No.

This will be great. Okay, Ahni, are you staying here with the kid with Kaylee? Kylin. I couldn't find that ball, I'm sorry. That's not Arnie, that's your waiter. Oh, Arnie. Arnie, chop, chop, get some chips. Okay.

Hey, hey, have a seat. Ha, ha, ha. Beelis Creepy, what are you doing? What's that, why? Here, have a spider date. Yeah, we have no specials. Oh. Beelis creepy. What are you doing? What's that light? Okay, sir. Here, have a spider date. Yeah, we have no specials. Wow, this place seems really fancy.

Please no fucking in my restaurant. I don't know. I haven't ever worked in the service industry. They say that at all the nicest restaurants. They really do, and I'm not gonna lie. It only makes me want to do it more. Aren't you crashing it? Great job. Oh well, before you had your kids, what are some other interests? What do you like to do? You like to weave and you like to cross stitch, you know?

I like to travel. Oh, where have you been? Oh, I have been in every single corner of this room. Oh, wow. So have I? So have I. I love the corners of this room. When I was young and living a little bit more dangerously,

the window was open. Sometimes I'd pop in there. So get a lacrosse breeze. Yes, I've actually, myself, I'm not a brag, I've been to every part of food and met all sorts of creatures and beans of every type you could imagine, dwarves, elves, orcs, centaurs, fintaus.

I mean, you can tell me, am I the most attractive when you've met? Well, you can tell her. Of course. Yes. Party, party, play this violin. Have I played a accordion? This is the night you can tell, because it's dark. It's careful.

Carol. Carol, I just wanted to tell you that you are the most attractive or the I have air seat. Oh, well you certainly know the right things to say. My heart is all a flutter flutter. It is probably because I drink so much alcohol. Oh, wow, I love when a date tells me they're so drunk that they find me attractive. I'm trying to get this big bowl of spider webs. I'm gonna put it on the table and maybe each of them will take a strand in their mouth

and suck on it. What the fuck? What is this? It's a bowl of spider webs. You think spiders ate spider webs? What the hell is the matter with you? I just grabbed the spider web from close by and jumbled it up smashed it Actually at the risk of um, you know making our need seem correct We we actually do eat our own webs. Oh

We actually do eat our own webs. Oh, see. Oh, damn. I'm a fucking genius. Congratulations, my stumbling into that one. Well, try this spider web, if you know, went in Rome, as they say. Here we go. No, I wouldn't have served spider web, you know,

to a guest. That's like something I do for myself. I wouldn't be like serving somebody their own hair. But I'm, you know, I would have serving somebody their own hair. But I would have- You know, I would have- I'm sorry? Here's a bowl of hair.

Just that, you know, you said I wanted to put some in his mouth. Let me step in here. Folks, how are we doing here tonight? Is everything okay? Is the service alright? Well, we've had a little trouble with your boy, but- I can assure you he's a full grown-up, like an assure you. We've had a little trouble with your boy, but... I can assure you, he's a full-grown adult, I can assure you. I'm not sure.

I'm not sold. Yeah. You know what, I don't have to put up with this. I'm only doing this until my band takes off. I'm out of here. Well, I'll leave you to it. Again, there's no specials, no spider fucking, but enjoy the rest of your meal.

Well, thank you. These spider-ins. Every time they say that, it just. It's really tempting, isn't it? I mean, it really, really is, because it's even like species specific. He's not telling you you can't, just that I can't, which really, really makes me want to do it.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to have some of this hair of Karen McManus. Very good. You know, I think I've been to order the roast cricket. Oh, that sounds good. That sounds good. You don't mind that it's the most expensive thing on the menu. Oh, no. Money is no object.

It is just an idea that we've created so that we can exchange goods and services. Arnie, Arnie, you got to get back over there and take their order. I know, because he's talking about shit. He's losing her. What is this band that you have? You didn't tell me me out take their order. I know, because he's talking about shit. He's losing her. What is this band that you have? You didn't tell me out of band, can I play drums?

Yeah, I've been working on a band. It's mostly SCA. Ooh, what are they called? They're called, I'm from another room, but it's SCA. Oh, you dropped it. Not a name guy. Arnie, you dropped this. Let me pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. All right, Arnie you dropped this let me pick it up pick it up pick it up. All right Arnie for now can you just go back and be their waiter because I think it's going really well except for the service. Okay okay I think I remembered that she wanted the roasted cricket okay okay and I think you server was fine with the hair you brought. OK. Hello. Here's a fermented nat, and here's a natty light. Give it a laugh. Give it a fun laugh. Not creepy too. Fun laugh. Fun laugh.

You two seem great. I don't usually say this, but I hope that you two look great together. Oh, well, thank you. That's very kind. Thank you so much. I think I look great pretty two look great together. Oh, well, thank you. That's very kind. Thank you so much. I think I look great pretty much all the time. Yeah, you do. You look fantastic. You're a beautiful terrifying spider.

Do you either of you like Scott? Oh, I definitely do. I don't know if you've noticed, but you can see the checker board that I have weaved up into the, oh, the furthest corner of my web. Wow, there's some mighty, mighty undertones. Uh, no doubt. This is a lot of colors.

Oh, sure, whatever. Why is it, why is it said that you ask us about Skah? Are you a purveyor of said music? I would like to demonstrate it for us. Right now, excuse me. Oh, live music. Excuse me, I have to step in as a manager. I can assure you, this waiter is not a purveyor.

I looked into that, I looked through all his papers and his records, and even though he may laugh like a purveyor, he is not a purveyor. Mm-hmm. Thank you for re-assuring us, I was concerned. And what did you want for him again? I wanted to hear some scab music. Oh, I've never heard anyone say that before.

Ha ha ha ha. Arnie, whenever you're ready, may I'm here's your roasted cricket, and I also brought for the table a real big fish. Oh, thank you. I was just wondering, can I get a side of mustard plug to go with this? I just, oh great, thank you.

And Ernie, whatever you're writing. I'm sorry, I was just thinking about poido. You're thinking about her pondering. I was pondering. You were podamering? Sorry, I was trying to change the subject back to something I knew about, but it doesn't matter. You said we were talking about cool guy stuff. What are you doing here?

Don't embarrass us in front of this hot spider. I'm not I'm trying not to now care quickly sing some scissor We won't be embarrassed. Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck guys guys guys guys guys guys Yeah, under the table under the table You know how I'm supposed to be babysitting yeah, but I'm also being the manager under the table. Okay, okay, oh no. Hey, you know how I'm supposed to be babysitting? Yeah. But I'm also being the manager. Yeah? I lost the kids. I lost Kyla.

Guys, guys. I lost Kyla. Guys, guys. Guys, guys. Guys, guys. Guys, don't tell Mom the babysitter's dumb. Hey, come on. I'm not dumb.

I just, it was irresponsible. So keep, Arnie, you have to sing to distract him. Don't worry, I can cover this. Okay, back up, back up. Sorry, I dropped some cricket under the table here. Thank you for helping me, you too. Now I'm just gonna head back over here, nothing to worry about, so have a good night.

Thank you so much. I love when people tell me there's nothing to worry about, it's very calming. Oh, and I'm so sorry, I forgot, no spider-fuckin'. Oh, I am gonna do it on this table so hard. I'm gonna transform into a spider just to get in on that. Yeah. Now, Carol, have your kids ever mentioned wanting to move out

a little early? You know, I think like all children, they want to feel independent, they want to feel, you know, like they can survive, but at the age that they are, I mean, they know that going outside would be a death wish. Sure, sure, yeah, yeah. Back into the table.

I didn't cover that at all. I thought I was gonna cover. Yeah, sorry, I've been down here the whole time. I hate getting up and down from the table. I'm just gonna be down here for a while. Oh, hello, so nice to see you too. I don't know if we've met before. Guys, it's me. Oh, I'm dressing like an old woman to win back her children.

Why is this always your solution for everything? I lost her children, I have to win them back. Oh, yes, oh, hello. It's this of Sk scar, let's go. Carol, I wanted to introduce you to my friend. Uh, who, who? Of course, yes, yes. My name is Mrs. Don't Believe Flame.

Oh, it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Sorry, I have a pie on my face. I was making desserts in the kitchen. Oh, I totally understand that. I mean, the amount of times that I look up from what I'm eating and I'm just covered in innards, I get it.

Hmm, same girl, same. How's your cricket? Oh, it's delicious. I mean, it is a really tasty cricket. It's totally worth the money that you are paying for it. Well, Mrs. Don't Believe Flame is the cookie and she created it because she's very good at doing things at home. Oh, thank you.

And I don't know if you know this, but the crickets I believe are prepaid. Isn't that their thing? Yeah, maybe I'm mixing that up. But anyway, you two ideas enjoy and I'll be right back. Wow, she seemed really nice. She's very nice and somehow that will help. Oh, good. Come on, look at all these helps when somebody is nice.

You know, I think that's always a helpful thing. Like, I am very angry most of the time, but I try and stay really nice and happy, you know, so that, hmm. Well, I think I don't want to skip over that first part. You said you're very angry a lot of the time. Oh, I think anybody who's home with their children this much is this full of rage. Oh, I see, I see. And one of the ways you get it out is in your evening excursions.

Exactly. You know, spotterfucking dears. Yeah, exactly. They don't call me a silt for nothing. Well, I, uh, far be it from me to be presumptuous, uh, but I think this evening has gone incredibly well, uh, so far, uh, and though I am a, uh, a wizard, uh, and you are a spider, I hope, uh, that we can do again, and the podcast will pay for it. Use it or what's going on, it's getting really erotic in here, it's like self-stockings, like you can't. You're just gonna run away. Look, I feel a little strange about this, you know,

I just met, you know, I'm sort of dating Jen Levy, and the Gurm crust, I fell in love with her in an alternate universe where our arms are torn off. It makes things complicated. Oh, yeah, if you're not into it, then you should... No, she's wonderful. I like her a lot, but she has a lot of interest. She likes birds. She can't be near them, but you know.

Maybe we went about this all wrong. We're not really playing our strengths. I mean, usually chants the one fucking people, and you're the one dressing as a woman for no reason. Sure, I'm still doing SCO, that's usually what I'm all about, but I don't know. Well, I don't want to disappoint Carol either, but I also don't want to be presumptuous and transform into a spider

and have hot spider sex on top of this table when we've been told several times not to do that. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry, it's me, the manager again. I hope there are things. I know that the service has been a little, oh, sorry, I have to get my breath here. Oh, sorry, we got off my head. Hopefully, things are going good and I brought some earwig pie to hopefully make your night. It's on the house, and hopefully it's sublime. And just so you know, we ain't got no margaritas. Anymore, we sold out of those.

Okay. Sorry, some of them, I think, and no spider-fucking, I'll be right back. Ah, got it in there right at the end. That's what skies, what the fuck was I thinking of? Can I ask you a question? Oh please. I just before we get too deep into this,

I just kinda need to know. How do you feel about being tied up? I'm very open to that sort of thing. I have a very illustrious and bizarre sexual history. That was not the answer I was expecting, but I liked it. I have a very illustrious and bizarre sexual history. That was not the answer I was expecting, but I liked it. Yes, I once transformed myself into a plate of croissants. As a sex thing. You're a little...

You're a little... What, what do you mean? Oh, hello, Carol, I believe I heard that was your name. Carol, do you have children by chance? I do, a few hundred. Let me ask you a fun question. This is what I ask anyone who has children. If your children were ever lost,

where's the first place they might be? Oh, if my children were lost, probably in the stomach of a bat. Fuck, okay. I'll be right back. Oh no, the Beatles Jubilee is on fire. Oh, I think it's supposed to be. Quick Arnie, put it out, put it out.

Oh no, now the wig's on fire. Oh no, now Chutzon fire. Oh no. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, where? Ah, oh. Carol, we can't keep this up. Firstly, it doesn't make any sense, and secondly, we have to be honest with you.

Oh, first day is a woman, I'm already getting hot flashes. We can't find the kids anywhere. What? I trusted you. I just wanted to walk away and then have one short, fun time. Arnie was the scaboy, shunt was the manager, and this is don't believe flame. We just wanted to give you a good evening,

and it all fell apart at the last minute in the most, Oni would describe as phraser-esque way you could imagine. Yeah, I was a real adventure in babys sitting. You know, mostly I'm disappointed in myself. My fragmented eyes are built to be able to see things that normal creatures can't see, and I couldn't even see through this thin roots that you've been perpetuating all night long. Oh, thin roots, thank you so much. I have been watching what I ate. Thank you. I just wanted to be honest, because Carol, I like you. I think you're very nice.

And I'm very impressed that you've been able to take care of your children in this time when it can be so difficult. And I would like to say to all the mothers out there and fathers and everyone else who has some parental role, well done. Yeah. And my scobboy disguise was very convincing.

I'm wearing shorts. And I found the kids. They were inside the stomach of a bat the whole time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Guys, just for tonight, spider fucking is on the table. BEEP. Also, there are like a half a dozen spiders outside looking to fuck. Like this whole time, they've been like looking at their watches.

Well, that's where I intended to go, but then you all set up this, you know, this delightful one. You had plans and... I had planned. I mean, I would have only been gone for two minutes. This actually took much longer than any normal date that I would have been on gone for two minutes. This actually took much longer than any normal date that I would have been on. So maybe instead of saying spider-fucking's on the table,

I should have said today's special or on the menu, spider-fucking without a help. I mean, only if you'd have opened the door and let the other spiders in. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. That's the problem. Well, what we can still do now, is anyone who opened the window and let all those spiders in? You know what? I'm not in the mood anymore. This whole thing has really.

Sometimes it goes on really long time. You're just sort of like, Liz is ready for it to be over. Yeah, I need to get some sleep. I mean, I've got all these kids. I got to, I got to, well, I think I do. I don't, were they alive when you found them in the bat? I should have asked for. Some, some, some, great. Yeah, some is better than none. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I pick you if you can keep half of your children alive in any given day. You're nailing it as a day. That's a good day. That's a good day. Well, oh, but he's not a Let's go decorate another room! Spider-fucking, try featuring that on Marketplace Kyrysdall. You've been listlessly eating olives straight from the jar, staring at the vacant lot across the street with its inexplicable mounds of overturned earth that seem to only appear around tax season while listening to Holo from the Magic Tavern.

Yuzelo the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi. Carol the Spider-Mom was played by Special guest Christy Bonstell. Follow Christy on Instagram at She's a Bonstell, for a near-constant stream of her delivering home-baked loaves of multi-grain bread to volunteer firemen, fostering rescue greyhounds until they're given a forever home with climate change refugees, and other activities in a category I call toxic virtue signaling. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Refire,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas, this episode edited by Sage GC, special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hello from the Magic Tavern comes to you thanks to a generous grant, originally intended for some other morally superior podcast. A grant entrusted to a courier who got sloppy and found themselves in some lightless alleyway where we were waiting. In fact, a message to all couriers out there, ferrying your precious grant money from one location to the next.

Glancing over your shoulder at every footfall, don't waste your energy. When we come for you, ours will be the footstep you never hear. Happy listening! Oh shit, oh shit, you know what we're forgetting? The UOS of Scasson? Oh, you didn't like the beautiful one I did off-mic? Oh. What's the other thing? DQ! We haven't checked in on DQ in a long time, and I'm not great with math. I don't know if it's so many weeks that's been.

Lithania, Quinti-Oven! How does that all do down in the dungeon? Two more weeks, like, I'm not eating Elskins of my four I am getting pretty hungry down here Okay, it seems like there's still a little bit of time But yeah, we gotta keep our eye on that one I think he ate some of those spiders You