Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 64 - Chunt for Red October 6: Chunt for Bread October (w/ Dan Lippert and Drew Tarver from Teachers' Lounge)

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

It's time for the yearly Chunt for Red October blood drive for vampires. This year the charity event is crashed by a pair of aliens with a very specific weakness.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungRingo: Dan LippertMcCartney: Drew TarverMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandEpisode Art: Tyler SchmidtYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. The following podcast is not real. Fantastical, alternate dimensions do not exist, except in stories like his dark materials,

where they're so crushed underneath the anti-religion agenda that even things like magical morphing soul ferrets feel like homework. Season 2, HBO, really? Did Lynn Manuel promise you a first look at his bio-musical about Hoover? But I should save my Philip Pullman Tite 5 for the circuit. Let's get this started. And remember, where other podcasts might spend 10 to 55 of your precious minutes while the hosts catch up and rift and make indulgence small talk? We get in and get going in a matter of seconds every time.

And that's why you have hosts who no longer enjoy each other's company. Sit back, use that copy of the Amber Spy Glass to prop up a wobbly table, it'll be a lot Hello from the Magetavvy! I'm Chant the Batch Batch, and I'm joined here as always with my great and powerful Wizard Friend, Usanor the Blue. I am Usanor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fesious Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus. The elves know me as fying out, the dwarves know me as zoning and who extendies, and I am known in the North East as gasmaniace Maystar. What did you yell at me?

To the power! Shut up. Hello, Chant. How are you doing, buddy? I haven't been doing it every week. Good. Why is he over there? Why isn't he over here with us?

He said this is my night. I don't know if you remember this, but it is the sixth annual Chant for an October. Our famous blood drive for vampires, so Arnie said I could host the show. He gave me a little hat that says host. Wonderful. And he also gave me menus. I don't know what that's about,

but I'm very excited. And it's a little weird this year because we are in Castle Skullmaster, which is atimful. Yes, but it's already spooky and scary. Chunfer in October, often, I don't know if you've noticed this. There's sort of a spooky theme to it.

Something about this time of year makes you wanna like, fuck a pumpkin, and like dress up like I'm not myself, dress up like something sexy, right? I feel like every time this year, I dress up as something sexy. Oh, yes. I've shaved the fur around my tits,

and like my tail gets a little plumper. I don't know what is it Nothing buddy get over here shut up. Just just carving them. Are you dressed up anything special today? Let me take a look at you stand up. Oh, hey look. Look. Give us a tour. I'm a sexy Joyner. Oh, you know Joyner's who put together furniture Yeah, sexy Joyner. Ooh. You know, Joyner, so put together furniture. Yeah. Sexy Joyner. Yeah. I knew a Joyner who put together furniture. What was her name?

Jackie Kurser, I believe. She was Jackie the town cursor, because every time she would make furniture, she'd inevitably drop something on her foot, be like, fuck and shit, right? Oh. So she was called Jackie Kurser, but she was a Joyner. So she used foul language.

She wasn't putting a hex on anyone. Not that I know of, no. Because if she was hexing towns, folks, most assuredly, you said all would ride to the aid system until they were all free from this evil spell. That's why I love you, buddy. Hey, I wanted to ask you, you know, you always talk about halls. Did the halls that you went to, did they have what's that called? Aren't, aren't you always says that he knows about hauls with mental lip this? Mental lip this.

I think it's like a mental test. Oh, mental lip mist test? Oh, terrifying. Know what the great hauls of Trockus? We studied tomes and grimoires and learned all the manner of magic spell. This mental lip mist test, I'm unfamiliar with it, but the act of going to grimoire's and Tomes, it gives you this gentle, soothing action that sort of relaxes you and helps you to breathe.

Oh, yeah, that's very good. That's very good. Focus and really do your best to help defeat evil. Also, real quick, because I always forget, what's the difference between a Tome and a Grimoire? A Tome is a little bit smaller than a Grimoire. Good to know. They're both just big-ass books. Yeah, that's what we should call them.

Just huge-ass books. Babs. Hey guys, sorry, I'm late. I was just wrapping this painting of me up. I just, I know sometimes I'm pretty- Is that euphemism for masturbating? I mean, I would- Do you don't know?

You don't know if you are just masturbating or not. Can I just say your eyes looked in more directions than I thought were possible? You looked up, down, left, right, northwest, northeast, southwest, southeast, rolled them around. I want one straight answer. Were you just masturbating or not?

Was I just masturbating? Oh no. Oh no. All right, all right, lawyer. Arnie, I don't know if you know this is John Ferenactober, the sixth annual John Ferenactober. Yeah, that's why I wrapped that painting up in a cloth

so that it wouldn't get blood on it. But this is your show, also I masturbated. But you know, I just here to sport your charity work. And I'm here to support you masturbating. It's, it's, it's to be celebrated. We all do it. Okay. Just not to a painting of ourselves.

Look, I'm not a hero. I just like to masturbate and bribe it, and I don't like to telegraph it too much. Well, I've done my part. I've squeezed all the rats I could find. So here's a huge jaw full of brat blood for the vampires to eat when they're desperate for blood. Oh, thank you so much.

This will go a long way to helping. Thank you. Arnie, I don't know. Did you dress up at all? Yeah, would you do? Stand up and give us a twirl. Uh, I did not dress. It's so hard.

I got this sword in my chest. It's so hard, I got this sword in my chest. It's so hard to like, change clothes, put on a costume when I have a sword through me. So I thought I'd just come up with like a scary name for myself. So instead of Arnie Neacamp, I'll be Arnie. Neacamp. Oh, fun, that's fun.

Can I ask a question? Yeah, of course. What exactly is scary about that? E. Oh, I thought you were saying knee. I thought you were putting an emphasis on knee like in the middle of your leg. It works better in the first and our knee.

Maybe I should do our knee. Well, I hope we get some people donating because I did make a sort of bespoke handwritten sign that I put on the front of Castle Skullmaster that just says Chant for Red October this way and several arrows leading into the great hall here. So I hope people show up and I actually saw two people out in the garden

or two, I don't wanna say people, two guests out in the garden. And I entities, entities is a good word. Two entities out in the garden. You're being very cagey about what you saw in the garden and entities. Entities is a good word. Two entities out in the garden. You're being very cagey about what you saw in the garden. You won't even tell us if you just jerked off or not. You don't get to talk about this. I did tell you.

You have to deny it for a while. Shut up, money. Shut up. You're in charge tonight. You're the host. Don't listen to him. You were on your show. If I was being cagey, I'd start doing everything

for more money. I'd up my asking price and I'd lower my quality of output if I was being cagey asshole We couldn't do that more You know, I didn't want to startle. I didn't want to you know kind of impress too hard on the entities outside so I left a little bit of a breadcrumb trail inside so hopefully they follow that but I'm not sure It's working it's working oh it's working look at these two entities oh wait there's one left okay okay this, here. Here, let's split it. Let's split it. But it has to be an even split right in the middle. Lady in the trap style.

Okay, here we go. All right. Yum. Oh. Oh, sorry we're late. Sorry. We were masturbating. Thank you for being honest.

No problem. No problem. Where we come from, it's the same as someone know you have to use the bathroom or you know you're feeling tired or you watch the movie. Just keep everyone updated on where you are. You don't have to apologize for masturbating. It's like laughing or crying. No more shame.

No more shame. No more shame. Oh well, I'm shame, no more shame. No more shame. Oh, well, I'm very honored to meet you. I am the great wizard, you should know of the blue. And I have never met two such creatures as yourselves. Also, I noticed that you watch movies. Are you from Earth like this Earthman here?

I'm from Earth, I'm from another world. Where are you from? We are also from another world. Where are you from? We are also from another world. So I mentioned movies right away, didn't I? Yes, what a wonderful gift that is to learn a little more about you and your culture. Well here on Foon, we've started to call movies any sort of story that's in motion. So if you're not reading it, it's a movie. So you might see a play on stage in the actor's removing. That's a movie. You might see someone pantomime or gesticulate to tell a story it it's a movie so you might see a play on stage in the actors are moving that's a movie You might see someone pantomime or just take you late to tell a story that's a movie is this a movie

You're left the gods ears. He's just making a jerk off motion look at a move. Oh, what a wonderful movie Wow, I'll take two tickets to that one more time Get some popcorn for my jerk off motion Wow, it's like the train's coming right at me. Also, I do want to say just to address it so you don't feel shame because like you said, no more shame. There's no need to apologize for being late because to be honest, no one's really invited. This is just whoever wants to come in.

So there is no expectation set and we're just happy to have two entities like yourself here with us. Open castle. Well, thank you for having us. From a distance, we heard it was the hunt for bread October. And I mean, it's already paid off. We had so much bread immediately. Oh, why did I think of that marketing scheme?

Yes, I suggested to Chant that he not put pieces of bread out, but small peanut butter candies. And he just vetoed me on that. I thought it would be a much better way to draw people in, but what do I know? Well, I think the fight came from you kept calling them little pieces and I said you mean little pieces and you said little pieces.

No, it's pronounced pieces. But I know how to say the fucking word. It's pieces. Guys, we have two peanut pieces. We have two entities here. Let's be cool. We want their blood, so let's calm down. My name is Chant.

My name is Chant. As you can see, I'm a badger, sexy badger. This is Arnie, and you've already met you said, or who are you two? As you asked, we are entities, and we are from another planet, not Earth like this gentleman here, but a different world, you could say. We have seen Earth. Please excuse me. I need to introduce myself.

My name is McCartney and this. Obviously, I mean, obviously, Ringo. Wow, what a duo. What can I say? Where iconic. That's the most amazing duo I've ever... It just has a ring to it.

McCartney and Ringo. Wow, what a flow. So fluid. And please excuse us, we are not wearing any clothes. Yes, where we come from, we do not wear coverings. And we have seen Arnie's world earth. We were looking for somewhere to live and get comfortable. But unfortunately Arnie's world Earth had a little too much of the wet stuff. So we had to move on to a different world that doesn't have as much. So much wet stuff. It's two thirds wet stuff.

Oh well I am not certain, but I think you may be referring to what we would call water. Yeah. Oh, is there any nearby? Careful, careful. Look around. Scan, scan, scan, scan. There's no water, except for every night before bed, I drink half a glass of water, and then I precariously prop up about 30 to 40 glasses of water

throughout the gas. Oh, God, not this again. What a nightly tradition! No! Look, we are trying to do our best in doing a little more research before we land on a world. We thought we had Earth, we thought it was perfect, and it turned out the blue stuff was the wet stuff, and we had to move on to another world.

What did you think the blue stuff was? The top of a nursery. That's really fun. If you're gonna have a nursery, why not paint the top of it blue? It's a bright, beautiful, welcoming color. Helps fit children feel calm and relaxed. I think that's a lovely idea.

A really lovely idea, McCartney. And then thank you. And then I got a little guff from Ringo here. He said, it's no way It's the top of a nursery What did you think it was Ringo? In the back of my mind, I was like this is the wet stuff But you were so certain that it was the top of a nursery that I was like, well, let's check it out It might be the top of a nursery

I spent a lot of time thinking that it was somebody's beautiful eye and it was not that either. So now you know Ringo's type. Well, I have also traveled to Earth once upon a time and I thought it was a continent to continent Shag carpety. Oh, could you imagine that kind of F pad? Oh, retro. Retro. This planet.

So retro. Are you, is that a common mistake that people make that they think the what stuff is an earth's rate? I don't know I guess I could be one straight answer just one straight answer without hesitation Okay, there we go. Thank you for being honest. No shame. No shame If I'm going purely off name and appearance and how you two are kind of carrying yourselves I have to assume just based on Ringo. Like, clearly you're the mastermind, you're the leader of this group, this duo, if I may.

I'd like to think so. Yes, 100%. Thank you, McCartney. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, I get whatever I want, if we see a big, whatever sandwich. You know, McCartney will say, take the first bite of the sandwich,

we're going to say thank you very much. I know, and I'll sit three to four feet behind him on a stool, a little leather stool, and I'll watch him eat the sandwich. And I'll just keep the beat. No task of pace for me to chew. That's actually something I wanted to ask in terms of you said keeping the beat.

I have to ask between the two of you, who's the better percussionist? Once again, it's me you get that question a lot. It's one of the first questions every junk it we go to Yes, it's the first thing out of the mouth Who keeps the beat so McCartney? You're not even the best percussionist in this duo. No, oh that sucks. That sucks to hear It's terrible. Because sometimes, Ringo will be like, you're off.

You're off. I bit my tongue. If I can keep my own beat, so I can eat my own sandwich, I would. But I have a cart to do it. And you know, we're like brothers. We've been through so much together for World to World. And we're hoping this one is the one

where we can finally settle down and let everybody here are wonderful food pacing music. Oh, that's amazing. Well speaking of keeping the beat, Arnie, you're fairly new to Foon as an Earthling. Do you want to give them sort of a crash course in terms of what to expect or sort of the lay of the land? Well, you know, you seem like you come from space,

so you probably are very like technology based. This place is very like magic-y. I don't know if you have like an equivalent of that on your world. There's like you saw here as a wizard. You can shoot magic out of his hands. Seems a bit diminutive, but all right. I kind of covers it. We have some magic on our planet, but we try to avoid those people. Yeah. They're always at parties. What? And they come over and they're like, gather round.

Are they trying to impress girls? That reminds me. Pick a card. Any card. Oh, Jesus. Oh, to the door. Just pick a card. Just pick a card. I do fall for it, though. I do. Okay for it, though. I do, okay, okay, okay.

All right. Your card is the Jack of Stars. Oh my God, is a star thing? I've done it again. That's a weird deck. I just saw him throw the deck on the ground. It's all Jacks of Stars. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That was a different deck. Don't worry about that. That's a trick deck, you said, huh? Now, no, no, no, no, no. That was a different deck. Don't worry about that. That's a trick deck, you said, huh? Now, is a star thing coming from, you said you travel in space. Now, being on Fune, if I look up in a night sky, I see a bounty of stars. When you're in space, can you not see stars? Well, to us.

Just one straight answer on it. That's all I want. OK, I'm estimated three times. OK, but here, let me set these cups up on this table here. Watch this ball Okay, I'm watching. I'm watching. Where's the ball? Where's the ball McCartney? It's the one on the right wrong Damn, it's it's there's three balls on the left. That was actually cool. You made more balls That's right. There's a never ending supply of balls. Here, look! It's just... ...streaming balls!

Cool! This is cool! Alright, four times, four times I was streaming balls. Arnie, that's, I mean, that's impressive. That is impressive. I need that man who... ...we visited Earth and we saw... ...magics biggest secrets revealed. That guy... ... we saw him getting

pummeled behind the magic castle. Wait we're we're in a magic castle Arnie's Earth has a magic castle. It happens all the time when you meet someone and they're like oh you're from Earth you're from Earth so you must know that magic's great a secret sky. I'm like're both from Earth, I don't know him. We'll just in case we need to keep an eye out for him and beat him up, what does he look like? We don't know. We don't know.

He was still in his mask just getting killed. So he has a mask, so we know that. What is the mask look? Is it, it's almost like fencing the mask in a way. Okay. It's kind of like that, but he was getting his ass handed to him out by the dumpsters Are you sure he was or was that part of a illusion or trick? He revealed nothing except a broken ankle Yeah, I think his last reveal was was trying to pull an insurance card out of his pocket. They didn't buy it at all

The ambulance drove off and said, we don't cover that. That is why you never cross a wizard or a magician. We stick together. I, even though I was born in this world to be a magician, I will still stand by every mage, every sorceress, every witch, and defend them till the end, unless they cross the line and start doing evil. I don't want to be antagonistic, but through the store I think it's either speak loud

or speak close to my face, but both is very intense for me and hard to handle. Then I shall get very close to you. I would tell my dear friend. I just speak like this. I shall not get too loud, but I shall be so close to your face that it shall make you uncomfortable for the rest of the time we are here together. Mission accomplished. Be careful, Ringo's ears are insured for a hundred million dollars.

He's just got the ears of a genius. We went down to Earth, saw the wet stuff, got a quick insurance, it popped into space. But it did say in perpetuity throughout the universe of the contract. So... Wow. Can I ask Ringo and McCartney, and sorry if I put Ringo first, but it just seems natural to put Ringo then... It's a in perpetuity throughout the universe of the contract. So. Oh, wow. Can I ask Ringo and McCartney? I'm sorry if I put Ringo first, but it just seems natural to put Ringo then.

No, please. You don't even have to say my name. Ringo and friends, can you describe for us and tell us a little bit about what planet or home base you come from? Yeah, clearly you travel through space, but space is surely not your home, is it? We call that the Shanling question, what planet are you from?

For us, it's been hard to find a home base because our families settled on a planet that they thought had none of the wet stuff. And then as everybody went extinct quickly, it turned out that we were drinking and swimming in the wet stuff. And so we've been traveling from planet to planet looking for a home. Almost a, would you call it, but Kartney kind of a quantum leap. It's exactly like that. We keep finding wet stuff. And you would think, well, according to the people on Earth,

they're going out to the planets and looking for the wet stuff and they can't find it. We always happen to find the wet stuff. We need to trade scientists with Earth, I think. I guess. You said that you were drinking and then you noticed what you were drinking and swimming in was the wet stuff. Yes.

So you're drinking something, what is... What is this I'm drinking exactly? Oh shit, it's the wet stuff. Yes. The wet stuff will get you it's it's so enticing and jumping into the wet stuff and riding down a slide on the wet stuff to get you so the reason you avoid the wet stuff is because it's so fun the wet stuff is as our drugs oh so you you get in the wet stuff, you

imbibe the wet stuff and then you're all just, you're all just kind of crazy, hopped up, fucked up, right? Sort of wet and wild. You can't get off the wet stuff, your body's taking to the wet stuff almost as if you need the wet stuff to survive. It's a dark, dark tail, a lot, you know, my cousins, my brothers, all of them have fallen from an addiction to the wet stuff. Interesting. You started with cousins and then segue into brothers. Kind of lets your family know where they stand, huh? Unless you do things different where you're from. Yes. One of my friends I haven't seen in over 20 years I lost to the wet stuff.

And my father. The cashier at my local supermarket, my son, my wife. What's the name of your planet just so we can keep an eye out for any other visitors? Oh, great question. The Beatles. The Beatles. I'm not to put you on the spot,

but if I may, you mentioned, and you can choose whether or not to, you mentioned earlier that you two do, was it food-based music? Is that what you said? Yeah, it's, you know, to keep times that you're biting at the proper time. Because for our race, we do not know how to time our own

eating or our own behavior. We need a rhythm, we're very musical. Yeah, a lot of people were from bite their tongues. They're always like, ah, shit. Fuck. You know, and they have a moment to themselves and then they keep going. They're always like, ah, shit. You know, and they have a moment to themselves, and then they keep going. And you don't know whether to ask if they're okay or not.

So we're trying to help our planet by keeping time. So yeah, we don't want to get too into our whole discography, but you know, if you're eating a big meal, we'll obviously, we might play, hey you know if you're eating a big meal will obviously we might play hey food for you or Yeah, if I could just hear one or like the hits like that would be and I know they're all hits for you know I'm sure why don't you hand us that hamburger bun over there. Oh sure And okay, so ready you are you ready a ring go? Okay, you know we've played together so often But I have no idea what's going on with the button here. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. Okay.

He comes the button. He comes the button. I say it's all right. A chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew a chew. And I see it. Obviously a lot of our race have died from a bun delivery that they weren't prepared for, knocking them in the head. So we get to write a song. Well, if you don't tell them to chew, then they might just try to swallow it whole,

choke on it. What a, very smart. Usador, you are a genius. And I'm so sorry, we're horrible hosts. Like, you don't wanna have just a bun, here's some lettuce. I don't know if you maybe wanna sing something with the lettuce. Do you have this one, Rondo?

I'm working on it. You have to, I'll take lettuce, I'll take lettuce. We've got a few lettuce ones, so I've just like, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're so sort of like horned or wasp or something lightest ones, so I'm just looking to the top. Oh, come on, hold on. You're so sort of like horned or wasp or something. Yeah. Some sort of stinging creature just flew on to the lettuce. Let me shoe that away.

Oh, take your, you're being very helpful. And I'm still thinking of. Well, I don't think that was actually a wasp. I think on that lettuce, there was a bee. Yeah, that's it. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay, here we go. Okay, I got it. All right.

If we're gonna flat top, we could eat the lettuce. She got a two-eye ball. Oh, you put your tongue, ring up. You put your tongue. Oh, I think I did the wrong song. He bit his tongue. Oh, that was the wrong one, dude. Oh, I got bliss to play my favorite roles.

Well, uh, Chuck, perhaps we should take a break and try to, uh, recover here and then come back and find out more about McCartney and Gringo. Oh, great segue to the break, you must be the host. Oh no, I'm just the psychic, chunced the host. I'll try to help him whenever I can. Well aren't these typically the hosts? I'm a user. Nah, we're gonna take a quick break. Gringo, do you mind if I, since you bit your tongue already,

do you mind if I gather some of your blood? Yes, absolutely, yeah. Usually when people gather, they have to ask me a bunch of questions. There's like a long questionnaire. And once they hear the answers, they don't want the blood. But if you want it, go ahead. Well, let's take a break and want you to tell me about your sexual history. We'll be right back.

And we're back. And Ringo, I just want to thank you so much for giving me the full sort of detail, says it were. It's so interesting that you said you like big sandwiches because you assume that a huge creature has been eating it and you're attracted to any sort of abnormally large eyes or legs or teeth. Yeah, huge creatures.

That bottomed creatures. Yeah. That bottomed creatures. Yeah. His wall in his room is covered in asses. Well, the wall asks to ask. So you've heard my cut phrase. Well, for me, asked to ask is a Requiem for a Dream. That's something I always whisper to myself when I fall asleep. I wanted to ask and thank you again for the blood.

This is the reason for the season is to get as much blood as we can. I do need to maybe test the blood on someone just to make sure it's it takes to see if you're a universal donor. Well, they're from space. And space is in the universe, right? Yeah, so you're covered under the blanket

of universal donor. Yeah, we can donate to anyone in the universe, I think. While the other one is maybe not paying as close attention as he was, clearly I would label you the cute one. Um, does the other one have a label? Do you call him something or do other people call him, like the blank one? McCartney? I guess it's the other one is a lot of, is a popular one.

Uh, that makes sense. A lot of people say Linda's husband. Oh, so McCartney is married. Usador, Usador, I can't where did that dove go? Well, I'm afraid I can't reveal my secrets. Otherwise, I'd have to take you out back behind a dumpster and beat you to death. Be careful, that man was getting pummeled

behind the magic castle. You sure you love pummel? Yes. Pummel figurines. Pummel horses? Yeah, you know, you know all the pum Pummel figurines? Pummel horses? Yeah, you know all the pummels I love. We love to pummel horses, right? Well, I like to pummel evil horses.

I have some very good horse friends. Grimhuf, the fifth fastest horse in food. He's a great friend of mine. Guys, you have to see this wizard kick the chevah horse. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Yeah, you watch from the window. I'm gonna walk out to the stable. I'm gonna find a horse who's been out to some shit

and I'm gonna fuck up that horse. I'll be right back. I'm gonna go mess up the horse. I wish Linda was here to see this. Yeah, other one, do you mind telling us a little bit about your wife? It sounds like Linda. Absolutely.

Well, we met in high school and in college. We went to the same college. She cheated on me two years in. I stayed. We finished out college. We moved in together. She cheated on me a couple of months in. What they did together, all of us were like, dude, slow down. It's not work He was like no, it's a little cheaper and it's not it's not a side of anything It's so smart to live together wait McCartney left us on a cliffhanger You said she cheered a few more times and you said I and we didn't get to hear what happened Yeah, well, and then I tried to cheat on her was turned down I tried to cheat on her was turned down. Oh, you do it. But it was still together and we've worked it out.

That was a tough one because you were out with all our boys. And we, you know, we were trying to find the perfect person or place for thing for you to cheat on. Yes. Any now? Obviously we landed on a very slutty toaster. Brave. You got the big turn sluddy toaster. Brave. You got the big turn down from the toaster.

Yeah, it was one of those toasters that hold four slices of bread that are like huge. And they can't save you that much time. Arnie, what's a toaster? You seem to be giving a nod of agreement. Well, a toaster is something that you put bread in and it warms it up and then it pops. Oh is that a euphemism? Is that like what I do with the pumpkin?

Uh, what? That's what you did with the pumpkins? Who's had more than their fair share of apples out here? Oh, so his definition of evil is very loose. He baits them. It's in trap. Fair share. Not even too many apples. He puts so many candles on top of buckets behind a horse his hindquarters and then puts a Vela hay behind the candle and just waits. Yeah, it's pretty bad. I got this one in a headlock Jesus right at his headlock. He's got that one tied down in his oh

Oh, geez. Oh, he's sowing oats into the horse. Oh, Jesus. I think I see a producer out there in their shirts as kink.com. Now that's a you, that's a you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, let your wife, um, fuck someone else in front of you, right? While you sit on the stool and watch. It's when you let him have sex with a guy in a mohawk in front of you. Is Lynn, sorry, uh, we, uh, lost a story at the end there.

Is Linda back on DeBeatle? She is back on DeBeatle's. I haven't heard from her today. Hmm, which worries me. My man, she is cheating on you today. No, no, there's no way. If you two ever call it quits, goddesses forbid, would you say that it was Linda's fault?

Would you blame Linda? No, no circumstances. It's obviously my fault. I'm not giving her everything she needs. I think if anybody's had fault for us breaking up, it's Courtney Love. I think we all see it, Cove it. Details. Now, you mentioned when I was taking your sexual history, you mentioned Courtney Love. Who is that? That's someone from Debutals?

Courtney is we met on Earth. I don't know if, again, Arnie, I don't want to assume if you know her or know of her, because obviously... I don't know. I have her. I don't know her, again, Arnie, I don't want to assume if you know her or know of her because obviously I don't have her I don't know her personally But you were hosting an after show, right? And she threw a high heel at you We were on earth for a little bit. We ended up getting kind of in with the VH1 MTV crowd Which are two Networks there and networks. I don't know if you've had to describe this before Arnie, because it was all news to me.

Uh. You're much better at describing Earth stuff than I am. How long did you spend on Earth? Let's see, that was Nixon. Nixon. I shouldn't have started with a thing that I don't know a lot about. No, no, Nixon.

Ray, no. No way. Actually, I know this one. It's Nixon, Jessica Parker. I shouldn't have started with the thing. I don't know much about. Oh, I see. Yeah, I was trying to think of another one.

Well, I'm back and I fucked up that horse pretty good. Yeah, we saw that. It looked like you even found the one that didn't even have more than its fair share of apples. He knows what he did. Can you put a spigot in that horse and get some of this blood just so we're making use of it somehow? Oh, yeah, yeah, I can put a spigot in that horse. That's no problem.

I'll be right back. I'm just going to put a spig in that horse that's no problem. Thank you. Yeah I'll be right back. I'm just gonna put a spig in this horse. And that's where the term comes from. You guys have probably heard that term before. Put a spig in a horse? Yeah. It's useful as a spig in a horse. Well it's something here on Fune and I don't know if we mentioned this land that you're in right now is called Fune. So welcome to Fune. I assume we're the first three creatures you've met but welcome. Thank welcome to FUN. I assume we're the first three creatures you've met, but welcome. Thank you. Well, there was, when we arrived, there was the customs that we went through. So we talked to a few people there. They took Ringo's bag so fast. What was in your bag?

in your bag. Ham. A bunch of ham. Oh wow. Yeah, that's, ham is pretty, pretty sought after here in Foon. It's a delkacy if I may, because we don't have a ton of pigs, yeah. Well, I bought all this. You don't have pigs around here. We do. We just don't have a ton of them. Hmm. Do you breed animals? Yeah, we give a shit ton of truffles. No pigs. Oh man, how do you find the truffle? We just, I just, I just get down on the ground and look around. Here's a bucket of horse blood. Oh, don't get that on us. I saw you smelling a bunch of like rocks out there

and you were, you were just smelling rocks and you're like, no, no, no. Well, yeah, I love rocks and I just like, you know, sniffing them, seeing if they have any magical powers and I'm hoping, I'm always and I just like, you know, sniffing them, seeing if they have any magical powers and I'm hoping. I'm always, always open ones a trouble. Yes. If even one in a thousand is a trouble, it's worth it, that process.

Yeah, I think so. I only spend like two hours a day looking for truffles. I gotta say, I don't wanna, you know, break your hearts here. But I've always a little disappointed if I have too much truffles on something. It's like, oh, God. I don't know about this. Are you joking? Yeah little goes a long way Yes, are you sure you're joking ringo truffles are the most decadent rich wonderful food. I could eat just truffles really Oh, you find it too much. Yes far too much like eating just cilantro. You mean so? I mean, I personally think it tastes disgusting many Many mornings I wake up in the first thing I have

is a bowl of cilantro and truffles. Yuck, yuck. You call it cilantro, right? Trilontro. You're mourning trilontro? You're always like, I don't talk to me before I've had my trilontro. It's a thing I've said for all of these years.

In our, you always wake up sideways until you have eight tomato juices, and then you're upright. But it's because of the sword. That makes sense, that makes sense. Could I press you to, for one more song, just one more little eating song? Just talking about truffles, make me so hungry. So I'm gonna have a snack.

I didn't know if you could maybe help me through eating truffle. If you wanna tell us what the snack is, we will for sure have a song for it. Well, it's gonna be a truffle, obviously a type of mushroom. Okay, okay. I don't want you to be Incomboed while you're singing your song. So I want to hold your ham. Oh, you said you had a big ham

So I want to hold your ham. Well be careful when I hand you the ham. We have to sing a song just so it doesn't hurt you Oh, okay, great. Okay bang bang ham ham silver hammer Give you a ham. Oh,, has a nice little ring to it. Oh, and so I have a truffle. And it's more specifically it's a black truffle. Black truffle, and I would, oh, guys, it's getting a little darker. It's kind of the dead of night right now.

So I'm gonna eat a black truffle in the dead of night. Oh, you black truffle and dead of night, okay. Okay, all right, I got cards. Carmen. How did I not see that coming? Let's see Black bird Black bird

We're all friends in the truffle submarine the truffle submarine Truffle submarine The Truffles of Marine. The Truffles of Marine. Oh no! All friends in the Truffles of Marine. Don't! I mean, make the noise good. Don't! Perfect. Nice.

Okay. Arnie, that's really helpful. I feel like we should start doing that. Anytime one of us eats, the other one should sing to help them keep rhythm. You know, I barely chew. I just kinda like, butt, right down. Yeah, kind of the goose.

It slows things. It just slows the process. Have you guys tried just like not chewing your food? Us? Yeah. Well, the thing with not chewing our food is we don't create any sort of mass-dication in our mouths.

We don't have the wet stuff in our mouths. We have our wet stuff glands removed. Otherwise, we get addicted to it. mouths. We don't have the wet stuff in our mouths. We have our wet stuff glands removed, otherwise we get addicted to it. And so if we don't chew it just goes down hot and hard. And do you use all of your mouths to eat or do you it looks like you have three or four mouths up there? Each mouth has a different purpose. Okay. Go ahead McCartney. This mouth is for apologizing to Linda. mouth is for apologizing to Linda. But the rest of them eat and sing. So everyone has just one mouth totally dedicated to apologizing to Linda. Or is that just you specifically other one? That's just me. But you, Ringo, you have apologised to

Linda for me from your what mouth did you end up doing that? You have one mouth that does a lot of different things. that's the mouth for spit tanks usually so if I remember so you really don't want the wet stuff but you have one mouth that is solely for spit tanks you got to get that wet stuff out. This mouth is so famous on debitles. It's an old touring comedian. What do you mean? Oh, you have another mouth that is a touring comedian, you're saying. No, yours that does sweet things.

Oh, my sweet take. Yes, yes. Oh, we have to see it in action. We have to see one of the routines. Oh, my God, it says we would flip. Some of the jokes did not age well. And you shouldn't do those. But you can do the physical stuff.

Yeah, we can do, so let's see. A lot of nice people out here. This is the mouth talking, as you can see, but it keeps people listening. Ooh, Arnie, this is what we call crowd work. Oh. So, Arnie, where are you from? I'm from Earth, I'm from another world. No, Ar say something funny. You try and be funnier than him. Oh

Try to be funnier than him. Yeah, that's what crowd work is about. That's what audience is their supposed to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, Dildo nice Okay, uh, like you some with that Multimouth fuck Okay, I'm losing control here. Go, Mouse, go. You got this. Sorry, it's fine. It's fine. Ahem! Okay, Dildo, I'm gonna move on. Hey, I don't go to where you work

and do, and ruin your standup set at your job. Okay, nailed him. Yes, bow! Alright, who out here has ever seen a spaceship being driven by a someone from the planet's Saturn? I have. Okay, and we all know that they drive a little crazy. I saw those two guys come into the good airs. And we've never met before.

I have no I do you thank you so much for the envelope filled with cash you're saying they drive a certain way yeah you don't have everybody for the planet Saturn drives a certain way this guy agreed with me so it's obviously a true observation that's everybody boo Saturn drivers okay I, if this guy wants to, you can. Ooh. Arnie, didn't you say on Earth, Saturn's were discontinued? Yeah, I'm gonna see. Yeah, I've been here so long.

I've started to forget what little Earth stuff I knew. Wow, you've been here so long you forgot which cars have been discontinued? Yeah, old-smobiles. Arnie, what are the the things you do remember? Let's see here. The first season of French is just okay, but it gets better after that.

Oh, never mind. You said the first season is just okay because they had a monkey, right? You said Ross had a monkey in French and that they were on a break. Mm-hmm. Yes. I can't tell because I am familiar with a show

for a word called French. And I'm familiar with a show called friends And I can't tell which one you were talking about yeah, we're talking about Fringe Phoebe Ross Chandler Fringe okay, okay, I think I understand and they live in New York and an apartment together But then there's the alternate New York where there's evil Ross, evil Phoebe, evil Chandler. An evil Phoebe sings the song Arnie said it was called Smelly Pussy. I definitely said that. Kim Catrol, that's another one.

Sex in the city. I guess we were on Earth for a long time just avoiding the wet stuff now that I think about it. Being sort of, we'll call you Earth experts since Arnie's sort of a haze memory. Would you say that sex in the city happened around the same time as Nixon? Well, we judge time a little differently

due to our sleep schedule, but sex in the city was probably about four Earth leaders after Nixon. Four Earth leaders? So you measure time in leaders? Yes. Have you ever thought about using your space-faring technology to create a terrible, cold, creating machine, and then you could live on Earth in the era of Nixon,

if you just created a big frost, a big frost Nixon? I mean, it was disgust, I think, to create a frost Nixon, but it was very contentious at the end. Because then it's not wet. I mean, it was disgust, I think, to create a Frost Nixon, but it was very contentious at the end. Because then it's not wet. If you freeze it, it's not wet. Oh, that's our methadone. Frozen wet stuff.

Ice. Oh, even worse. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I even suggested. Yeah, I've been on ice for about 12 years. And it's hard to get off of. I'm always crunching ice. Is Linda upset about your ice addiction?

Yes, she's so mad at me. Has it led to any problems? Because it seems like this fairy tale romance, I take to see it go spiraling downward. Yeah, well, I mean, she said, if I don't get help she's going to leave me so I went to a treatment program. Oh good good for you. And while I was away she accidentally facetimed me. Well that doesn't seem like problem she was just checking in with you. It was unless she was doing something. It was a

devastating accidental facetime. It was framed perfectly. And when you say it, you mean she was she was having sex with my boss. We're at the time. Hold on a second. Hold on. Let's see if he's also going to mention a family member because as we know with these entities, they always mention acquaintances first and then family members. So let's give him a few. He was having sex with my boss from a few jobs ago, who we actually left on very bad terms. So we haven't talked in a long time. And also my father.

Oh, that's, oh wow. And me and my father are like this. We are so close. Well, work, as he passed away. Did you say he passed away? Is that he did? Yeah, from white What I call white stuff. No, a wet stuff addiction How are you two with the white stuff though? Arnie Arnie pull the reins buddy. We want you to be proud about your masturbation, but not that proud

No, I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything about how I feel about the white stuff. Well, to us, the white stuff is just as bad. So a lot of times, love making in our planet can turn into murder very quickly. Our snuff films, our pornography, where the white stuff comes out. So we don't like that. And that's why we do so much masturbation and discussing it is because we white stuff into a little container with a radioactive side on it. And then we put, we step on the bottom,

and the lid comes up, and we toss it in with our syringes and our claws and all that stuff. Oh, wow. Interesting. Interesting. If you must now. Arnie, you said on Earth, the white stuff is a play about several astronuts?

Yes, astronuts. It's also a porn. Oh, astronuts. Astronuts, yeah. The white, the white, yeah. And because on Earth we learn that they make pun porn titles, real moving pictures. They took so many puns for that.

Usually it's just a you know, a few good men and then it's like a few big coffers. They could have just... Yeah, barely a pun. Well, that one was especially tough because it was a couple guys with really small penises and then a few big cocks. So it was almost humiliating. Especially for McCartney and I who were cast as not the big. Oh, you are in this film? Right when we walked into the audition room and dropped our drawers, they said, you're perfect. They said, and those are hard. We were like, yes. That's got to be tough to hear. Well, Obla, Obla being Obla Bong life goes on.

As someone who despises puns, I think it's Oblabong Oblabong eat that croissant. Thank you. And I did it perfectly time. I would think that a few good men, if we were going to make that into sort of an erotic situation, would be a lot of good men, right? Because you want to keep the good men part. So they just did a few good cocks. And they weren't necessarily big. They were just good and hours were not necessarily small but bad. So I guess if it was called good cocks,

then they would have a plethora of good cocks. But a few good cocks, they need some juxtaposition. Yeah, they wanted people to be like, those are the good ones. Yeah, those must be the good ones. Obviously you might remember our famous line You can handle our cocks us assuring them that they wouldn't be bad or get anyone sick or Well that explains why you're so comfortable walking around as you are. Yeah, I was gonna ask maybe of people from your from Debutals don't wear pants

But it seems like maybe just YouTube don't wear pants, but it seems like maybe just YouTube don't wear pants. No, we've been banished because of our policy on pants. That's kind of why we're looking for all the equipment. That's why you can't get back to your own world, I see. Yeah. We were kicked off the planet for indecency. That's a very harsh judgment, a very harsh sentencing

to reject your very home. You must be so lonely and you must, it must be very hard on your relationship, McCartney. It's tough. I mean, they're very strict on debitles. I mean, you can get hoisted out to the moon for simply J. Walking. So they're very, very, there needs to be some reform in the justice system for sure. But my wife is, I don't know if you can see, I put my phone on the table over there. She had accidentally FaceTime me this morning and it's just going on and on and on.

Still, I muted it, but you can, you can see. Oh, yeah, I can see everything. Yeah. This is tough because it's, looks like the person who was in the middle seat next to you on a plane. And my son. And your son. Yeah.

You guys have been on a plane before? Oh yeah. Is that what you fly in space? Or what's your vehicle in space? Well, we're flying around on an UFO. It's what they named it on Earth. It's a repurposed 87 Chevy that we roll around it. And we put some weeks on that.

It's the iconic 87 Chevy. And this thing is all metal on the outside. It's one of 70 million. So many of these. I have to ask, can I drive your car? And I don't know if that'll listen to any of these things. Oh, baby. Yeah, yeah.

Baby, oh, baby. Baby. My baby, yeah. That's so kind. And I have a new nickname, baby. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, baby, yeah. That's so kind. And I have a new nickname, baby. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, baby, yeah. Be careful with that mint.

She came in through the mint dough window. I have to assume, I'll talk that up to being an Earth expression. Well, I want to thank you too so much for being on the show. It's so interesting to meet people from literally out of this world. I would ask if you could give Arnie a ride back to Earth, but I have to assume that I have to assume. I'm so sorry, that Ringo and McCartney are duo only. And I can't imagine there's room for anybody else

in that group. Well, you know, there's a week to get back to Earth. We've definitely got our friend, Peabest, waiting outside right now, but we could boot him. I mean, we've kicked him out six or seven times and just keep coming across him again. Oh he's he's from DeBito? Yes, peepest. Well as you two kind of make your way out feel free to grab anything from this

mansion, this castle that you like and while you do that I'm gonna pick up this stick here and I'm just gonna start swinging it around just kind of swinging away. Oh, it's a movie. Whoo This guy is a swing and a stick is guy is a swing Oh, shit, oh, I hit one of the glasses of water. Sorry, let me just I'll swing over here. I'll swing over here. Oh, yes Don't get out of there. What's hard to get out of there? Oh, I shit. I hit another one. I'm so sorry I can't get these glasses of water on you. I'm so sorry Onnie should we mention that food is like seven eighths water. Yeah, it's a lot of wet stuff here

Get out of the oven. I love you Linda. Oh, no, he's putting on floaties. This is bad You told me you got rid of the floaties. Just let me have him. You always try and save me. Woo! I can't get in a spaceship with these two. They're out of their minds on the wet stuff. Also, I am not confident they would get me to earth.

If you guys wouldn't mind helping me later, just put out a list of all the ways that this has hurt you. McCartney's swimming around in this water at the Keiti's figure. Or wet stuff. Absolutely not. This is the most entertaining thing I've got a list of all the ways that this has hurt you, McCartney's swimming around in this water at the Keiti's figure. Or wet stuff. As they're not, this is the most entertaining thing I've ever seen. Oh, seven. Oh, it's crying already.

He's just trying to get more wet stuff out of his eyes. It's not real. I'm done with it. I'm done with this stuff. Chuck, this is our chance. Let's take that blood. Happy Chuck for Red Os Hope, everyone! The

Happy Chuck for Redogs Hope, everyone! The Did they just die? Where's their spaceship? Will Arnie use it to get home? What if I told you we're going to hide the answers to all of these questions in the next pod save America? Usur all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shant the talking badger was played by Adolf

Rufyre. The aliens, yes we have aliens on this world now. I'm putting a bookmark in that because I can only do so many stress watercolors a week. The aliens, McCartney and Ringo were played by special guests Drew Tarver and Dan Lippert. They're both part of the improv group Big Grande. Follow Big Grande tweets on Twitter for news about future Big Grande projects. And check out Dan's podcast,

You're the Man Now Dog on Patreon. At patreon.com slash You're the Man Now Dog. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffy, post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger, special assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban,

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hmm, not much else to say. I probably should wrap up instead of rambling endlessly with no clear direction, just disconnected ideas, no throughline. Kind of like, I don't know the subtle knife. Dare I say, Zing. You're gonna have to pee. You have to pee. Why do you keep asking me that? I'm fine. Well, we just got to pee. No, no. I mean, just didn't know if you wanted to stop anywhere.

If you want to pull over to pee, we can pee. But I am fine. I haven't had anything. I can't believe food wasn't right for us either. Where are we gonna go now? Where are we gonna go now? I mean, I don't know, we could go. This one looks interesting. Waterworld. Rico, that's the way it's done.

I mean, I don't know. They could have different names for it everywhere. I don't know that. Waterworld could be the million things. I mean, now that I look at at it it does look a little bit like a nursery. The ceiling of a nursery. Yeah baby. Alright baby let's do this. I'm sorry I got so crazy on food but he spilt the wet stuff right on me and I'll never do it again, I'll never do it again. Yeah, I really believed you that time.

I mean, you, they were all tears, we dried you out, we're back. Did I call him then? You're not gonna be happy. I mean, I'm really worried about what's gonna be on the other end of that. You just got sober. Yeah, you're right, you're right.

She's probably just taking the night off, chilling. Hold on. Don't answer that, Do not answer that face. I'm getting her face down. You're getting her face down. I'm really good. Let me answer here. Here you look.

You look. Oh god, I feel like she's looking big. Oh, Cogin. Cogin. No. Yeah, brother, my son's girlfriend loves me. My daughter's music rules. And my best friend's butt is love's butt. I'm hanging up, I'm hanging up. you