Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 65 - The Last Can

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Can the Wizard returns to help solve a time mystery... and yell about his own murder.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. People of Earth. The nights are longer, there's a chill in the air. It's the perfect time of year for a gripping audio presentation to make these candlelit nights fly past. Beloved

characters and fantastic scenarios to ignite the imagination. And there's no better production I can recommend than the audio version of Stephen King's classic under the dome. If you're in search of audio entertainment that will warn the spirit, under the dome is not only the finest option, but literally the only option that comes to hang on on being handed something. Weird and audio... huh? I have been reminded that this falls under the category of audio entertainment. I guess I just meant something fun. No, okay, okay, I can see it. People, if you long to escape into a world of sound, and for whatever reason the audio

version of Under the Dome is too difficult to purchase or rent, may I suggest the podcast that you have already downloaded and is in fact now playing? Give it a listen, considering that you're already doing that. If nothing else, it's fine practice for listening to the master work that is under the dome. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from Castle Skull Master! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into

the magical, fantastical land of fune. I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. We've been trying to collect artifacts to keep the Dark Lord from getting them, and I've become increasingly obsessed with the fact that we found the third artifact, and it's a painting of me as a teenager. I feel like I'm getting really stuck on this point to the point where, and it pains me to say this,

it's hurting the podcast. A little bit. I feel like, it's like I'm not learning anything new about it, but I can't stop bringing it up. And I know that's not like me to say the same thing week after week after week, but I can't. Oh, and he hit. Oh, and he put it, there's nothing we can do to hurt the podcast. same thing week after week after week, but I can't. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, there's nothing we can do

to hurt the podcast. We're invincible but holes, but holes, but holes. See, we didn't lose any listeners. You're right. I mean, we don't have any analytics to support that, but it feels true. Yeah, anal Linux. Thank you, buddy.

Thank you, co-host, Chant, the talking badger. I'm also joined by my other co-host If anybody's gonna hurt the podcast it's him you said or the wizard. Hi, I'm you so don't Wizard of the wait wait what you think I'm going to hurt the podcast? No, I'm sorry I'm just lashing out because I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable I just girl you are lashing out. They are out of control. Did you put some like liner in those? Because they are bold and beautiful and just really covering your eyes in a beautiful way.

I don't know. You've always had beautiful eyes. Yeah, but now your lashes are out. And we are here for it. Looks good. Thank you. I think it's a obsidian sword that is stabbed in the chest with.

I think it really makes my eyes pop. I mean, both literally and figuratively. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Well, oh, honey, I'm sorry you're feeling that troubled by this painting you found. But there is no reason to be upset by it. Simply some side effect of some magical spell

that will happen in the future that sends a portrait back in time or perhaps it's an evil version of you trapped in a painting or perhaps an evil version of me trapped in a painting that doesn't that doesn't make me feel any better. It could also be a portal to some of the point in space and tie. This is so many perfectly logical magical explanations. It sounds like someone has a time mystery Can the wizard? Time mystery is such an exciting idea, but then it's can saying it so it's such a weird feeling

So it kind of negates the I am Canificent do spring master of space and. Head canstable of the can force. The vampires did know me as Candric Lamar. The vampires do know me as Can me if you catch. The vampires will know me as Candid Voltaire. The giants did know me as Candel Roy. The giants do know me as Can I get a what- the giants will know me as can a lingus if you know what I mean Come on.

And I have endless other names. I'm not a wizard of time, but your intro took 200 years. It's true. Can, did you say you're a canstable? Yes. Because that's not a word. It can be. Ugh.

It can be, is that your new catchphrase? You're wearing a shirt that says it can be. You're really pushing it. I am trying to market myself a little more aggressively. Can I ask, and I should know this, is there any can merch in your online shirt factory? can the merch in your online shirt factory? Yeah, actually our number one seller is four pictures of you in a sort of quadrant,

and one's kind of pink and one's kind of blue and one's kind of yellow, one's kind of green, and it's you wearing a shirt this is can and then a picture of a tomato, and it's our number one seller. So we don't... What are in the other quadrants? It's all you, so it's four quadrants of you. You're in each quadrant, but it's a different color.

This is a highly coveted item. If you were to win a war, you might grab this item. It would be a real war haul. Oh, I hate that. You hate it? Wolf, then it must be bad. Guys, guys, I hate that. You hate it? Wolf, then it must be bad. Guys, guys, I think we're not talking about the the elephant in the room here. Can we solve you die a couple weeks ago? Oh, right. Yes. I in this very room. I will die. In this very room, that sounds like Arnie with this very table.

What is it with you two? I know. Honestly, I feel like the odds of can appearing and dying and appearing again. Who cares? I can probably die ten more times. No! And who knows? In all of the history of food, I only die but one time.

Oh really? It has both already happened. And it is also millions of years in the future. How are you? Have you been listening to Arnie talk about James Bond again? You only die one time? Come on, buddy. That is my favorite James Bond movie.

You only die one time? It's so good. Tell us again, talk like the guy. Who's the guy that you said is James Bond? And only die one time. It's so good. Tell us again, talk like the guy. Who's the guy that you said is James Bond? He talked like that. Do the impression. Oh my name is Timothy Dalton. That's the one.

So good. So good. But now I feel bad, because we really kind of glossed over that whole can thing. If that's the, oh, I assume he was going to die like hundreds of times. Yeah, don't, don't, don't, that was the thing. He's dying and come back all the time,

like you said, or how many times have you died? Yeah, I don't know, half a dozen. What have you killed me right now? Ugh. Ah, I'm fine. Don't you have a coffee mug that says, don't talk to me until I've died? Yeah, I've got that mug.

That's a good mug. We gotta put that in the shirt factory. Yeah. How many times do I have to explain? Although there may be thousands of me in food, we are all the same can just at different points in the timeline. I live endlessly and I live until I reach the end of time. And then I start over again at the beginning wrapping around time like one string around all of four. Okay, I think I got it.

So, okay, I think I'm putting this all together. So, if I tell you to get fucked, all the other thousands of cans also hear that? Get fucked! No! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well, we may... Remember it, those of us that are future versions of me, but the true problem of being a master of space and time

is how can one remember so far back? Also, it seems like you real hug up on the time part? Not so much the space? Not a lot of space stuff. Yeah, back up, buddy. You're talking into my mouth. Oh, I'm sorry is the batter uncomfortable being face to face with a wizard he has killed.

Oh, did I kill you? You killed me. It does sound like me. In this very room for you, You killed me. Huh. With the sunlight, and this very room for you, it was in the past. And for me, it is in the future. So it was in this room with a candle stick, I wanna say. In this room with an obsidian sword

and, you know, being shoved. I mean, it was fast. Honestly, I don't remember it because it has not happened to me yet. I always assume that when you made it to the end of time, that you died and were reborn at the beginning of time. That was just an assumption that I made. So you live to the end of time,

but then somehow you just like sort of like, blip back at the beginning of time. Is Mike getting that right? Hashtag Blipback. It is what we like to call the Extended Groundhog effect. Who's we? Why are we speaking in the Royal Wee now? Ooh, wait, hold on, extending a Groundhog. That sounds interesting. Uh, speak further about elongating this memo.

Basically, we live the entire history of fune, and then at the end, when the world flashes out, we waken at the birth of fune. And it's like, oh, shit, not this again. I think that's a bad story. We've got to let the whole history of fune one more time, at least. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

So you're saying that you wake up at the beginning of food again. How do you know you're not being born? You've got it, babe. Yeah, how do you know when you wake up? What? You wake up. One night, what is this?

Wake up. That's anyway I'm saying wake up. I just thought it was a fun way to say wake up. All right. What was your question again? If you wake up. I just thought it was a fun way to say wake up. All right What was your question again if you wake up if you told me Get his ass get his ass I leave to the end of time and then I just appear at the beginning of time But you say you everything blinks out sounds like death to me then you wake up sounds like being reborn I'm gonna be honest sounds like you died in our reborn

Tim is just time without the I'm the wizard of Tim in spec I Do not appreciate it being bullied in this way. I'm not believe you're I just want to know what your deal is We're not bullying you. Hey, hey can my dear I'm sorry can if I may you store and I practice something called be best and we're always being best So we're not bullying you, okay?

You are being sensitive What you're being sensitive if we were being You're not yet. If we were being mean to you. Mara! You're not yet. You're still alive. But I mean, not yet. Yeah. Look, it's as if you have met at another person that is still me in the future.

Arnie, Arnie, step in here. You can play to me about that movie with the pre-cog, right? You can still get pregnant from pre-cog. You said that there's a movie where they arrest people before they commit crimes and you said that plot was bullshit. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, a minority report. Yeah, me. No way.

Red ball, that's all I really remember about that movie. My memory is not as good as it once was, I've got to admit. My memory is not as good as it once was was either. Oh, Arnie, when you and Ken talk, it's like listening to brother's fuck, I hate it. Whoa, what? First? No, I have so many follow up questions, but I don't want to ask them,

but I don't want the answers. You know, you ever feel that way? Most of the times, yeah, most times, yeah. What if this podcast was all questions? Don't answer that. You said, are're gonna say something? Can I don't want you to think we're being rude to you or that we're being unkind or that we're your murderous? If we are being unkind to you, why would I have laid out this beautiful sandwich buffet?

Oh, I do. Love sandwiches. Is there mayonnaise? Oh, yeah, every average? Any kind of a condiment you could think of it's a very nice buffane. No, just mayonnaise for me please. Mayo nays, it's mayonnaise. Mayo nays. Mayo nays goes by different names and different eras of time. It does. Oh, how interesting.

It's a time it's miracle whip. I don't need you to teach me a fucking clinic on how to pronounce mayo, okay? I get it. It's mayonnaise Also, if your memory is crap, why is that the thing you're hanging on to? Yeah Different eras of saying the word mayonnaise Sometimes things just sticking your head right? So subway Well, that's true. I see what you're talking about. I just had to say, mansplaining how to pronounce mayonnaise is the widest thing anyone in this podcast has ever done.

That's a tall order. I have never claimed to be otherwise. Look, I don't like it any more than you do. Hell, man, I'm just saying. Ugh. Guys, I have to be me. Not only that, I have to be so many versions of me all the time I meet myself and I'm like yeah I get it I understand. Hey buddy I know exactly what you're going through as a sheepshifter I've been so many different animals and sometimes it's hard to keep track

of it right it's like was I a mountain lion was I a snow leopard I it's hard to keep track right so what I do is I keep a tapestry right of everything I've been. So have you thought about putting a tapestry up, maybe in a circle for your whole time bullshit, and just list all the different cans so you can keep track? You know, for once, my nemesis, you make a good point. You see, the hardest thing about being me is I cannot remember the future. It's like, frankly, the only fucking useful thing of my power, but here's the thing in the whole history of Foon Tomorrow is the furthest time in the past. For me, how am I supposed to fucking remember what is going to happen

tomorrow? It is literally the entire length of all of food. Like, what's the earliest thing each of you remembers? Oh, real quick, I just have to say, remember the future sounds like a book I'd lie about reading. The earliest thing I can remember. Sure, you don't even remember what you were when you were born? Like, what your shape was? I feel like people are asking you that all the time! Surely I've answered that. What do you remember?

When I was born, I was... Oof! Oof! I remember what I was. I was fully formed, it just as I appear before the now, because I was naked. And I stepped forth into the world, fully formed by a conspiracy of rain and birds and fire and squirrels and frogs

and birds who said, there must be a champion, one who will defend us, one who will ensure that we are safe from the truth. Ah, yes, but Yusudah, you are so young, you are but a spring chicken, of course, you can remember 300 some years. Well, die fighting to make sure the evil is destroyed. I really dunked on him and he didn't even hear it. And sorry, I was choking on my own fur. When I was born, I was a...dorable. Hmm, absolutely a. I think I remember going to the drive-in and seeing Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the

Lost Ark winch. I gotta say, this is crazy, at that time was only called Raiders of the Lost Ark. And it was followed by James Bond movie. It wasn't, you only are living once. Oh, you only live one time? Maybe it was like you live and sometimes you let die. Wow, living let die, that's, oh, that's kind of a fucked up view. But here's the thing, going back to your tapestry, chumped.

I have decided to organize all of the cans together. For a time, we thought the thing to do was to make jizzle-null preparatory academy for a time when there are no more wizards. But then, we were like, wait, is that happening soon? Or like, is that ever happening? Like, we think we remember that, but like, maybe that was a dream or a weird thing. So, we're kind of giving up on that one. I don't know if you should try to hide behind a group of cans, because what if someone comes along and they hate those cans? We've done that one, you don't even remember that!

Wait, that's the first thing I remember, is that bit? Doing that bit on the podcast. That's my first memory. Look, I have formed the can force. All of the cans are margillin together and forming an army. We decided to go with can force. We thought about so. Can you not hold your hands out like that when you say all the cans and can force? It just seems. Just the positioning of your open hands just looks really creepy. Are you worried about the can force awakening? Oh, and I am now. All right, fine. Look, we're still workshopping names. I suggested we call ourselves the yellow can turn core, but no one was into that so much.

Sounds scary. the yellow can turn core, but no one was into that so much. Sounds scary. Ah, let's see, can. Something to do with can. I'm not great with wordplay, but how about the... the can-do crew? The can-do crew? Mm-hmm. I suppose one of my names is Canifiscent-do spring. The can-do crew is not so bad. I mean most every group that ends in crew is kind of bullshit But I don't know I could be into it or we could be also all there so many options we could be Can do first of all first of all Nemesis we you are not a part of this. Okay. I'm sorry

You all matter? You could be can do could read or like beha-ha blast like there's so many fun options. Oh now I'm gonna uh well if I just had a pen and paper uh can you do the do? Huh and just thinking out loud! Well I don't know if the name is the most important thing but uh what is your goal? I wonder what is it to you hope all the cans will accomplish if they join forces? Yeah, what's the end game buddy? Well, you know We are not 100% sure because as I said like none of us can remember super well What's coming next which is also frustrating because we're all?

wildly different in age, but like tomorrow is like we're still all at this same point in the history of food it's like do you remember what happens tomorrow? No, do you remember? No and some of us are like maybe there's like a big battle or something but I do know this shit is coming okay you say you're all wildly different ages, but every time we talk to one of you, you sound like the most wrinkled old fart I've ever heard in my life.

Yeah, he's unhagged, man. At a certain point, you're just kind of really old. But I've never met a young can. I don't, I've never met a young, spry can.'t I've never met a young Spray can. Oh have you? What is that me? I know for a fact that you have met a young Can oh don't know no I'm not can I refuse to take that on don't put that on me But wouldn't that be wild you store you can you have tell us if not, if not that's entrapment. No, tell us.

No, I'm not can, I promise. I swear. Let me see your hands. Look at my hands. Did you hear a third hand behind your back that's crossing its fingers? I swear, I swear. I got rid of that third hand a couple weeks ago. Okay, did you take it to the second hand store? That's right. I have met with the Kandu crew and we have agreed that it is time for us to confess. to get to the second hand are not wizards in the strictest sense.

What? We do not come from where you come and when we die, we do not go to where you go. That's right, Leaf. Yeah, you're gonna go fucking hell, dude. You suck. So you're telling go fucking hell dude. He's suck So you're telling me that all of can kind can kind oh I like that one Does someone have a quill my memory is not great. Oh, I'm going to fucking forget that one someone Remind me about can kind

Lay on I'll remind you I'll remind you about it. You're telling me that all of you are of, it's particular type of creature entity that are not exactly like the rest of the Wizards and Foo. Yes. Oh. We have learned magic over many loops around and we have pretended to be wizards Sacrillage will thank you for doing a mage or sorcerer or

Necromancer you're Necromancer or just a crazy dude. Yeah crazy pain in the ass. We are masters of time and You know we throw space in there because it's good to have two things. Sure. Doesn't it suck to just have one thing? It's always nice to have it back up. To be fair I'm the master of light and shadow. How much shadow stuff do I really get into? I mean let's be honest. How much light stuff do you get up to? You know what? Eat my ass can.

I have and I will. Oh on how about this galee Flickton color light baby and it's casting a shadow. It's like my one spell. They leave licked and come and I can do it too. Oh well. Oh Hello, I missed a buddy. Hello, my name is crocodile boy. I love this one. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Exhausting an exhausting of cans Now that sounds like a story I went all right. I fear I have overstayed my welcome, so I will get to the point no no can you were never welcome Where did the earth man go? He's at the sandwich buffet? Oh Wait, he's eating all the sandwiches. I mean there's a lot of sandwiches, even already could need all those sandwiches. But he left the mayonnaise. You ever was looking at me, do you guys need me?

Don't talk, buddy, you're gonna choke. Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Never talk while you're eating. Maybe hungry for a ham sandwich. Don't worry, he won't die.

How do you know that? Because...look, while he's over there, maybe I'll run this by you two because I'm a little nervous to tell him directly. Okay. I am in love. Oh. No, I am him. He is I.

He is I? Except after... Can? Look, it's all very murky and so it's difficult. Murky, you shaved your pubes? I don't need to and that old. What? That is gone!

This is the thing you want to tell Oni? No! That your pubes are gone? This is not my fault. Buddy, I think you think you're addressing a universal experience, but I think that's just you, buddy. It's just me, the thousands of me's, no one is as old as I am, except for... ...a lot of different versions of me. But we've covered that, I think, right?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me that... ...you're Arnie? What? Arnie never dies. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're you're telling me that you're Arnie? What? Arnie never dies. Well, until I few weeks ago in this room, in this very room, what happened? I, I, here's a thing. Arnie lives forever until the end of all the food and when it ends,

he starts again at the beginning and then he lives all the food And then he starts again at the beginning and he gets older and he gets older and older he becomes me I Called bullshit. What the fuck this is breaking my mind? Speaking of breaks, let's take a break. I've still got it! That means we... That means we got... Yeah, we got...yes, we know, yes!

Because we might have... No, stop! That's where we stop. You don't have it. We're kind of at the mid... Ah... Yeah, this is Arnie. Hey guys, what the fuck are you guys arguing about? There's a sandwich bar over there and I'm over there. Hey, captain sandwich. What's up, man?

Yeah, just, um, uh, uh, uh, we have a couple of questions to ask you. Oh, yeah, baby. Uh, you're, hey, me, friend. How do you say the word mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? Oh, oh,

chocked. Or sometimes I say miracle whip, but, you know, has raised on miracle whip. The hell is miracle whip? Miracle whip. It's a lot like mayonnaise. Oh my gosh. This is this is wild I you start you store you said or yes, yes I killed my best friend. No, we don't know that for sure. Can is seen. I'll out of his mind

He says he's not a wizard, but he is a wizard. So I shut them on to the wizard killing You saw I made a little shish can Bob and I didn didn't even, I didn't mean to, I just wanted him to shut up. Shish can Bob is good. Thank you. I'll take a win where I can get it up, but I'm so sad, but a thank you somebody doesn't. But I don't, it's unlikely that you killed Arnie, and even if you did, you killed an Arnie that has lived for millions and millions and millions of years, and look over there to honey right now. One of the odds, that body's gonna make it another 15 years. Let alone millions.

What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. That, sorry, almost choked on one. Choked on one what? That was a full sandwich.

A whole sandwich? It wasn't even chewed. Oh. You saw you right, thank you buddy. And Arnie, if you were listening, we weren't talking about me killing Arnie. I was talking about Kalarny. You said on earth there's a town called Kalarny.

That's what I was talking about. Oh, John, I don't listen to most of what you say. All right. Can kind, can kind, can kind, can kind. All right, here's what I think we should do. I'm gonna forget it. I think we should all get a sandwich. It's what I think we should do. I'm gonna forget it I think we should all get a sandwich. It's all grab a sandwich. Okay. Well, we've got all the toppings out here All kinds of bread

Lots of different fillings just I'm gonna be hot sauce on that's what I'm saying sandwich night sandwich night I'm gonna make a spice Yeah, can go ahead can go go ahead. Sandwich night. Nailed it, buddy. Pretty good. I'm gonna put hot sauce on mine to make a spicy little sami for my tummy. Ooh.

We set a little egg station here. I'm gonna make it egg sandwich. Ah, now I miss eggy baby. Oh, I'm sorry, Jill. I didn't mean to. It's okay. I'm sorry, Jill. Yeah, it's been so long since you've seen eggy baby.

Wait, wait, wait. Arnie, oh, I see. You should or just magic some more mayonnaise. Why don't you go grab some. Oh, yeah, yeah. You should or can, can. I think I just figured something out. What is it?

So can you, Arnie, in the future? Yes. You just figured that out? I know, I know, I'm coming to terms with that, but I figured something else out that makes so much sense. Drew is me from the past. Is that fun?

Um... Well, I mean, it must be true because I just thought of it. It must be true. But here's the thing that makes it a peter-dox. I'm pretty sure Drew's dead. Oh, yes. So how if Drew died, could you be alive now? We'll never know. Nobody stays dead forever. Well, I hope that. Oh, yes. So how've Drew died? Could you be alive now?

We'll never know. Nobody stays dead forever. Well, I hope that's true, because you might have killed Arnie. Yeah, well, let's deal with the past. You're dead. I mean, I'm 98.9% sure. I mean, you've got to take into account that it happened a very long time ago, but all of the cans have talked about it and it kind of makes sense if you think about it. It sort of explains most of the bullshit on this podcast.

Well, you listen to the podcast, always nice to meet a fan. Thank you, that's so nice. Can't fan. If you think about it, if Arnie has lived all the way around Foon and back to the beginning, and then he's just cropped us to all of Foon's history with half-remembered pop culture from his world. I mean, that's how we get to this bullshit right here, if you think about it. I guess does actually make a lot of sense. That's all, that's up.

Well, uh, can... Should I keep calling you can? Yes, because I've been can for so long. How does a regular earth human like Arnie become something like you? I don't know. Well, fuck me. Why don't you, okay, lift up your robes and let's see the sword mark in your stomach.

That'll prove that you're Arnie. You just want to see that I have no pubes. I'm curious. You don't want to see that. That wound would be nowhere have no pubes. I'm curious. I mean, I'm curious. You don't want to see that. That wound would be nowhere near your pubes. I don't know if that's necessary. Wait, hold on, can. How high up are your pubes?

Is that neckbeard your pubes? Oh. That's not an M's apple? No, wait a minute, that's not right. I'm sorry. Focus up, man! Sorry, it's just, I don't know if you know this, but I recently launched in OnlyFans for myself,

because I just, you know, I just wanted to feel comfortable and like express myself, and I felt like that was a cool, fun thing. And I'm thinking that maybe, if depending on where your pubes are, you could start at OnlyCans. Oh! I mean, people might be expecting something else, but... You know, someday... When you die, and you said, oh, even you... Die for the last time. But... That's a trap. Duh.

What kills it, but this podcast is the only one that keeps going long after everyone else is like, okay, this is over. Oh, so I guess our longevity is what deters others. I always thought it would be the talkies. What? This? What is it? Look, I still not sure that you are on it and I'm gonna, I'm going to test you, on it. Like I said, I am 87.9% certain that this is the truth.

Oh, that's, that was sort of what I was gonna ask because it was guys something about numbers and he's already pretty clearly fucked that up. I mean, to be fair, a lot of podcasts have shelf-lives. I mean, they can't all be your favorite murderer. I mean, I feel like people just got bored. How many brothers can you have? Not every life is American on the Bobcats.

I mean, honestly, most of them aren't anymore if you think about it. I mean, look, that one wasn't as good as the other two. I admit it. What the fuck guys What do you do at like the sandwiches right we're gonna eat the sandwiches? Why are you yeah buddy? Yeah, buddy? We definitely want to yeah some of those sandwiches. Yeah, buddy Get some sandwiches buddy. Yeah, buddy. I heard my feelings. It is no more interested in talking to can Talking to me now by this fucking dickhole why are you talking to me?

No, but he don't say that about yourself. I am not a dickhole. My dickhole rubbed off a million years ago What what the hell that doesn't even make sense. That's not a thing you need to see a doctor. It rubbed off Oh people know what I'm talking about. Oh, they don't this is not a personal experience Arrosion What that's nothing That's nothing so wait the the passing of time it doesn't happen overnight You're saying sand ripped away your dickhole. I don't want to get into that part And we're already into it and actually since you don't have a dickhole. We can't get into it buddy

What's going on now? I got to see I please see no you know what no because then I'm gonna be tempted to tell Arnie And I don't want Arnie to know that you're him That's what I was wondering should I tell him what was your hope in telling him like I don't see how it benefits him to have this Future knowledge of himself as you stated, you have all these memories that you can't sort through, and it doesn't seem to help you, you're still an annoying prick all the time. Look, if I'm being honest,

I've just been holding on to this hot ghost for like a million years, and I had to tell someone besides myself, and, you know, I also told much romantic, random, and to say a long time ago. Um, can I just say you're like a million years old, so please never use the term hot-goss again. Okay? What's goss?

And that's the tea, okay? The what? The tea? Oh, should I start saying that? You wouldn't understand. Yes! That is the tea! Okay, Boomer. You're done, period. That's the tea. Can, perhaps it would be best at this time, if you didn't tell Oni, and we kept this between the three of us, and Macho Mantis, Randy Mantis.

Yeah, Arnie's dealing with a lot. I don't know if you know this, but he found this painting of his younger self that's really kind of throwing him off his game. And so I feel like this is just too much to handle. And I love him he's my best friend which means I love which means I love you and you remember this friend and I feel like you too buddy and that's the tea. I know you murdered me, but I can't stay mad at you forever, bud bang! Too close enough. Yeah, that'll work. To be honest, this podcast was always gonna end in a motor suicide, so we're halfway there.

It's just, can it really... can I call you Arnie? Can't, can't, can't, I call you? No, can. I guess I would throw off the ruse, so that Arnie would be in the loop. Can't, I'm just processing all this, and I guess what I'm trying to ask is that, does this mean that Arnie never gets home? As far as I can tell, I think maybe not. But again, I don't remember that fallback.

Who knows, maybe he does get home and then he comes back because he's like, you know, realize that he doesn't want to watch fringe again or something. That definitely has to be a possibility because him not getting home is a major fucking bummer for this show in a way that I think some listeners would never come back from. Can we need this? Can't just say he goes home.

Just say he goes home. I'm just going to say I don't remember anything is possible. Okay, well right now. I am like 72.11% certain that Arnie eventually becomes me. Okay, so, Ken, let's leave it there that you don't know for certain. Because right now, what this scenario is, Arnie making a home right now, is Shrewd Donger's cat, right? So there's this famous thinker and food named Shrewd Donger,

and he has, he put this cat in a box, and he shook it real hard, and people were like, hey, you just killed your fucking cat and he goes, no, no, I didn't. Because until I open it, I don't know if he's dead. That's a very, very true. Yeah, but then blood started seeping out of the box and it turned out the cat was dead.

But then he made the argument that you don't know maybe the cat brought some squibs in there with him. Yeah, it could have been fake blood. And the cat was, and the cat was, oh yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah, and it turned out they opened the box and turned out the cat was still alive and just being overly fucking dramatic. The cat just wanted to attention.

And also, the cat did bring scripts in there? Didn't set them off. Yeah. And he also brought squabs in there. Aiden both. And that was some of their blood mixed in with the squabs. Do you remember us telling you that story? Remember, scripts and squabs?

Wait, isn't that Occam's razor? Like the simplest explanation? Remember Scubs and Squabs? You're thinking of Scott Ocarman. Scott Ocarman's razor, that's Arnie's friend, is Scott Ocarman, and he- Oh my gosh, he's adorable. He's adorable. This is huge for us. We got- we got Scott Ocarman on the podcast. That'd gosh, he's a door. He's a wizard. He's a wizard. This is huge for us. We got, we got Scott Ockerman on the podcast.

That'd be a hell of a get. Wow. He's like a super host. He's like Arnie times 10. Yeah, well, now I'm really rooting for Candid be Scott Ockerman. I mean, he's got a lot going on, I'd have to imagine. Cand, when the month of June rolls around, what do you think about? Huh?

That's not Scott Ockerman. He would've said something about dads and grads. Did you want to talk to us about something? Did you and Arnie, you two? Did you two want to talk to us about something? Uh-huh. You can. You and Arnie, the two of you, do you two want to talk to us about anything?

I don't. That's not Scott, I think. That's Scott Ockerman. Shame. What's up, Hamburger? Yeah. So close. We were so close

Are you guys talking about hamburgers over here? That's going on. This is the worst sandwich night we've ever had. I know buddy. We're having a great time How many sandwiches did you eat so far? Yeah, buddy. How many did you tuck away? I don't know. I can't count that high Oh sandwich night keep having fun. Okay, I'll be back. All right. I feel like I was here for a purpose, and I have totally zoned out on it. You're telling us that you die soon, and that you're Arnie and Bre.

No, no, that's not why I'm here. That was just like a total shrewd dogger on my part that I shared that with you guys. No, I was here to help with something. Oh, I know, I know, I think I know. Yes. Our friend, Arnie, who you may or may not actually be. Probably, like 47.0.

We'll never know, we'll never know, we'll never know. The number keeps going up. Like, I'll listen to us. Yeah. Zero we can't we'll never know we'll never know we'll never know the number keeps going I don't know hey he's having a very difficult time right now and there is a mystical painting At least I have believed to have some mystical power yet. I have not been able to unlock it Perhaps you have lived through so many years can see something even I you should or cannot see That's right. A time mystery. Just the kind of thing for the canstable to solve. I hate, I hate canstable.

I was actually growing on me. It's kind of good. Yeah, I mean, it's not bad. It just feels like there's something out there that's a little tighter, and I just can't, I can't put my finger on it. The can tenant? Ooh, hmm, all right.

Can cup. Yeah, now stick with the can. Canstable it is. Look, it's a time mystery. Let me see this painting. Oh, before you look at the painting, if we're gonna have a time mystery, shouldn't that have a theme song?

I mean, I don't know. Mundle are you up for it? Look, we've been podcasting for a while, and I think if we want to have a show within the show, or that's about time mysteries, it would make sense for a Pavitone theme song. That's all I'm saying. That doesn't seem like a choice I would make on any podcast.

Which is, it seems like, you know, if we're giving you your own segment, it seems like we need something to like, kind of like, you know, draw attention to you, make you feel like you're part of the show in a way that like, kind of helps highlight your special abilities and that's what I think. Oh, maybe we can, Yusunor, I think did bang on

impressions of you earlier. Maybe if we all throw on our can voice, we can come up with a theme song together. Here we go. Okay. Can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, It's easy to see. Only can. It's all the time. History. Cha. And many cans. That's the worst thing you've ever done.

And keep in mind, you murdered me. Well, hold on. Hey, hey. All right, Cam. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. I thought you were immortal. I thought you were immortal.

I thought you were immortal. I thought you were immortal. I thought you were immortal. I thought you were immortal. I thought you were immortal. I thought you already can. I'm sorry. I didn't know you had that. Don't tell me, I thought you were immortal. And look, I want you two best friends to make up. Just because one of you killed the other isn't a big deal. You should just move on and and forgive each other and hug it out.

And then get some sandwiches. I'm a different person now. I will not. Wait, so you are a different person now. I will not- Wait, so you are a different person? Make up your fucking mind. Hmm. Maybe I'm really Roman Mars. What? Is that possible? No, because I can't see through you at all.

I'm 37.9% certain I'm Roman Mars. These odds are getting worse and worse. I hate this. Let me see this painting. These odds are getting worse and worse. Okay, so here, let me position it here, and then Arnie covered it, so let me just, so you stand there. Yeah. And then all, and one, two, three. Huh. It's just a weird little boy.

That's you, buddy. It's you. I mean, I don't see it. You're the one that told us that's you. Oh, wait! Is that Arnie? Yes. You don't see it because he has pants on. Oh, yes. Yes, that's it.

And it's not visible in the picture, but I imagine he does have a dickhole. Yeah, it's there. Let's go over that. You probably miss it too much. You better be Arnie. That's all I can say. You better be fucking Arnie. If this artifact is really a painting of Arnie as a young boy, then this point in time from another world is very important. Now hold on just a gotta stand minute. You just said artifact the same way you should or says artifact. What's going on there?

I loved it. That's what it's called right and artifact. Not a fact. Artifact. Mayonnaise. All of these things. What am I saying something different than other people? Okay, that leads me to a new game show I just concocted to see what's going on, art or fact.

Okay. For the love of God, I hope it doesn't have a theme song. God damn it. Auto fact. Auto fact. It is time for auto fact. We don't even know what is true. We got to find out what's an auto fact Okay, can you can test number one in our only contestant all right a vase with several pieces of fruit around it art or fact A base a fruit around it. Mm-hmm vase or vase as some A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? A base? It seems like there's a time mystery. Ah shit. Ah, another can? Look, I'm as annoyed as you guys are. Fuck off, can I'm already doing this one?

I missed it! Hold on. You just thought of a pun, but I don't know how to get it out of my head. There's two cans, and Arnie, would we call this can-tunies? MADARA! Fuck you. It was a good joke. No, I thought that was good. Arnie, would we call this can-tunies? M-M-M-A-D-R-R-R-R! Fuck you! It was a good joke. No, I thought that was good.

It was a good joke. I just didn't frame it properly. Okay, can. Here's our second and final question for this. So this one's for all the marbles. Okay, then. I'll show myself how. You!

Wait, how are you saying marbles? Marbles. Alright. Okay, can. Wait, am I chun'd in the future? Oh, here's how we'll decide. Are you chun'd in the future? Yes.

Fun'd? Are you future chun'd or is I call him fun'd? I mean. Here's what we'll do. Can, if you're me from the future, I'm gonna change into a cat with a draft snack in head. Now you do it. Ah, that or Fact.

Those are bad odds. I would say never tell me the odds, but then you told them to me and those are bad odds Arnie didn't you say John Ham has a bad odd You said there's that trend a few years ago where people had bad odds and you said John Ham had a bad odd And it's nothing be ashamed about a lot of people have bad odds But if you're not like ripped then you probably have a bad odd right Arnie I don't get it, but I'm very old. Yeah, you wouldn't get it, you old fuck. Yeah, I think you might already have it. Is this a dickhole thing?

Uh, if you go to pee and your dickhole eroded, you might be a can. If you go to shave your pubes and realize they gone, you might be a can. If you don't know presents at all, you might be a can. I'm not getting any of this. If you sound like you goggled a million balls, you might be a can. If you got killed by your very own best friend, you might be a can. Damn, good one. Oh shit. I'm sorry.

Yeah, that... There, it's both of us. Haha, gotcha. Alright, good one. Oh, shit. The blue burn. I'm sorry. Yeah, that, it's both of us. Gotcha. All right, you win. Okay, so here's a portrait. What are you gonna do now with this portrait? So that's you. That's young you.

Has Arnie mentioned that this painting is familiar to him? Well, he said it was from his earlier years when he was in junior high school. Yeah, in Ohio, and it's hard, this is hard because it's hard to remember what Arnie says. Well, not hard because I don't pay attention. It's not the memory, it's not the memory. Something about Olin Mills. Oh, I think it's written here.

Yes, it's written there, Olin Mills. Look, if this painting is indeed from his past, then he can go on a time journey in his mind. Wow. And the best part is it involves refreshments. Oh yeah! Oh and I think I know how we travel. I'll just do a jump to the left.

Eh. Nothing. Huh, nothing. I thought that would work. Do I try it again? Try to do the time warp again? Okay, it's just a jump to the left. Ugh. Fuck, nothing.

Well, let me try it back. I've had a rice or something to throw at your face. I think it's because I'm a cat with a draft snack in head. Let me... Okay, now I'm badgering. Here we go. Follow me, it's just a jump to the left. Ugh. And then step to the right.

Maybe... Damn it. Maybe it's not what for me, It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right? Maybe. Damn it. Maybe it's not what for me, and maybe it's just because you're, you know, kind of riffraff. Hey, well, yeah, I am. And you, well, you're blue, you could be a beautiful magenta. Well, thank you so much. I have brought a rainbow bowl.

Just one? Yes, buddy. It's got a little something extra in it if you know what I mean. I don't. I don't. Like, more glob and a couple other things. Like, it's pretty heavy dude. It's the tea. I'm sure.

All rainbow bowls send your mind through time. So, are we just having a regular rainbow bowl or is this going to send our minds and bodies through time? This is a journey that only on he can go on. Oh. He is going to look at the painting, take this rainbow bowl with a little something extra, and it's going to send his mind back to the time of the painting, and he can learn what happened Yeah. Oh, hold on. And I'll step to the right. I'll still not think.

This is getting a little rocky. Casas don't have phones, asshole. Oh, I think I remember Arnie mentioning. He said that this painting was done, and let me see if I remember this right. 1990. 1990. I think I remember that. I think I remember that.

I think I remember that. I think I remember that. I think I remember that. I think I remember that. I think I remember Arnie mentioning, he said that this painting was done and let me see if I remember this right. 1990 Fun? 1990 Fun? That's what Arnie said. That sounds like a number. It sounds like a number, but it isn't quite. Yeah, fun sounds like one, but he definitely said 1990 Fun. All right.

Maybe she'll call me. Arnie, come here. Yeah, what. Alright. Well, maybe he should call... Ah, Ah, he come here. Yep, what's up? Oh, are we having drinks? Well, this rainbow bowl is not for you yet. What year was this painting done? I mean, late middle school, early high school. I'm not good with years.

I mean, if I had the guess, 1989. Okay, here's the thing. Can thinks he might understand something about this painting, but because he's, uh, well, uh, a befuddled fucking mess. Uh, it's not exactly clear, but he thinks that we can use it as a time port. Oh, my God. I think I know what we have to do. I'm gonna take a step to the right. No. Wait, let's see what he does. The anticipation will shirl out the eye-blood.

My only concern is is this gonna drive me insane, a-a-a-a-ane? Toast. Oh, you're having a stroke. You smell toast? Yeah. No, yeah, definitely. Wait, no, I was cooking toast. What, my bad. Look, I was... I... Oh, yeah. Focus up, dickholes! Yeah, you wish. Oh, no.

You wish you had us. All right. Now, think back to that time and drink deeply of this rainbow bowl. Okay, smells kind of weird. Arnie, don't talk while you're drinking. You're gonna joke. Give him more, give him more, he's gonna spit it up. He doesn't even have a funnel and a hose. Yeah, I've got one right here. We're gonna shotgun this rainbow bowl.

Goop goop goop goop goop. What's a shotgun? What, all right, uh, uh, uh, Ony, do you feel anything? How are you feeling? I mean, it feels a little different from when I've had rainbow bowls in the past, but... Oh, oh, oh. Arnie, what's running, what's running? Why running why are you quiet like this Are you for great work?

It's astounding time is fleeting. Jesus Christ, Lord, Jesus, you will be the death of... What? Oh, what? Wait, is she the sword? The sword's on the ground. Is Arnie inside the sword? Arnie? Oh shit. Where is Arnie inside the sword. Arnie. Oh

Shit, where is Arnie? What have you done, can? Did you turn him back into a teaky mug? Because if you did I'm not mad That's actually my favorite Arnie look. I don't really remember what happens next time I was under the impression that we would just send his mind through time But somehow all the extra drugs and the magic potential in the room and I guess it's unwise to do This kind of magic when someone has an obsidian sword in their body Fuck which is our phone you can the unwise Damn it can you fucked up again here. I have to fix your mess again here my bad But also dammit can I love you here John grab my hand Okay, well, this is your third hand you piece of shit. You said you sold it

I need all three with my other hand. I'll touch the painting and with my third available hand I shall lick what is left in this rainbow bowl I guess if you do this very quickly you will be able to follow him wherever he went is left in this rainbow ball. That's what it looks like when you said a reed's pussy. You're coming with me, trot? Oh, it's just me now. Well, I hope they're not gone for like a million years, although I gotta say it's a possibility. We hope you have enjoyed the series finale of Hello from the Magic Tavin. What you just heard was the three main characters being reabsorbed into space time to make room for another season of the much higher quality Hello from Night Vale.

Special thanks to Ira Glass for originally saying, here's a dumb idea, what if Wade unbeing handed something. Arnie Chunton, Yuzador, will return? Is this like at the end of Marvel movies where they say Spider-Man will return? Only there, it's fun. This is more like, oh no, the deer I hit with my car is dragging itself off the road and planning to cling to life for three more miserable years. Uhhh, Yuzador the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Reffy.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Oh hey, am I interrupting whatever you're doing? Trisha, no it's the Allard and Andy card everyone's tuned out long ago. Oh cool. Well I'm still working on my one clone show in the storage bay. Right. To reestablish Chicago theater. Uh, yeah. And while it started off very spoken word, get this.

Today I realized I can no longer deny myself the source of unlimited potential that is dance. Oppenheimer felt that way I'm told. Anyway, I've been aggressively exploring the space, so I'm moving this stuff up here to make room. We're not there, not on top of the jigsaw puzzle. I'm working on that! No, you're not. Whenever a piece doesn't fit, you just chew off one of the ends. Hmm, these look like late 19th century audio tapes.

Yeah. Oh, that dent in the box is where I heard it with dance. These tapes have markings. The Arnie knee camp show? The institute had these in storage? That's right. Wait, are you thinking of playing them? No, I'm thinking that one ill-fitting puzzle piece looks delicious. I don't know how to turn this device off. Huh.

Oh well, I guess this will just be one of those extra long ones. Okay, anyway. Hmm. Oh. Oh yes, I should check on that elf in the basement. Hate to get the time he wrong on this one. Hello down there! Do you need help?

Felt right! A-ha! How much time do you have? That's a four-weeks. Start the talk! All right! have. That's a waste. Start your talk. Alright, I forgot to be honest, I'm not going to remember that. you