Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 66 - 1989

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Cassette tapes were found of a 13 year old Arnie Niekamp pretending to host a talk show in his bedroom. Some claim these include evidence of paranormal activity.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hmm, I haven't gotten a consistent signal from Foon since last week, when Arnie's ill-advised guided meditation to his childhood in 1989 led to him magically disappearing. And then of course, Usador and Shunt jumped into the time of Bess after him. That's probably the closest I'll ever come to saying previously on Ali McBeal. My guess is they were obliterated, and if I can just get enough ear wolf suits in my corner, we can call this whole thing done. After, I don't know, two obligatory episodes of sexually explicit poetry from Flower. But then there's the matter of this box of cassette tapes from Earth Year 1989.

Labelled the Arnie knee camp show, kept in government storage for decades, alongside Frozen and D'Covm, alongside other stuff. And now I do have this 80s era cassette player, made out of the parts of an iPhone 12 Pro Max just to piss it off. Oh, you should have seen the look on its tempered touchscreen. Well, you're looking for about 45 minutes of distraction, and I have got an index finger just looking for trouble. That couldn't have come out worse if I had workshopped it in a writer's room. Let's just pop this out of its scratched plastic case and give it a listen. I Life from my bedroom in Ohio, it's the Arnie knee cam show! Applauses, applause! Tonight my guests include, oh let me see yeah let me get out the TV guide here from Booker Richard Greco from anything but love Jamie Lee Curtis and special musical guest Billy Joel

The phone I can jump over my bed Neekamps aren't you speaking? I don't think I don't think he's home. I'll check. David! Phone! Dad! Phone! Yeah, I'm sorry. He's not here. Okay. Yeah, it's probably basketball game. All right. Thanks.

And we're back. It's the Arnie Neacamp show starring me, Arnie Neacamp. I wonder if I should start over because of that phone call. Hey let me hit stop. It's the Arnie Neacamp Show with your host Arnie Neacamp on tonight's episode, special guest, Judith Light from Who's the Boss? From 227, Jackie! What the hell? What the hell? What? You said we're quick, kill this man and let's go find Ernie. Ah! Look, look carefully. I'll free Sim real quickly.

It's rough. Ah! Okay, look at that child. I can't murder him because clearly that's the child from the painting. Child? Wait, that's a grown man. Come on. But it looks like the person from the painting does it not? No child is, uh, six foot five.

I understand, he's a very lanky young man. But we must, we must realize that our world's been turned to Psy Turvy. For a future version of Arnie may be canned the wizard, and then we touch the painting, and after drinking a rainbow bull in our minds with back in time. And now I don't see full grown Arnie here, but I do see this young Arnie. Well hold on Yusador, sorry I don't mean to parse words, we didn't go back in time, we went back to the future. Does that make sense?

1.21, Gigawatts! Doc, I mean, Yusador, you gotta calm down. Look, no one wants to be killed by Libyans, but I am swearing to you. This young man at whatever age he may be, is Arnie a younger version of Arnie. Maybe he's, maybe the mind of Arnie is trapped in here. Let's unfreeze him.

Arnie. Is that you? What, yeah, my name's Arnie. Yeah, what are you doing in my room? The remain calm. This is my friend Chant, and I'm Yusador. Do you recognize us? No, but oh my God. You look like a wizard, and you look like a skunk.

Quick Yusador. Magic me a white sport coat with rolled up sleeves. Eroth tola kata Yeah, that's that probably calmed him down a little bit. Oh wow. I like you So see more familiar more comfortable. I would be a little more comfortable if he had sunglasses Your off-t�ain Don't put them on my nuts on my eyes There you go

You can put them wherever you want here Here. I'll also give him a small Bit of tobacco to smoke on. Errol. Don't you want to buy cigarettes? Nah, I'm too young to smoke cigarettes or to drink beer, but it's not unusual for me to see cartoon characters do it And I do think it makes you cool. Here. I shall put you further tease by peering into your mind and appearing as someone who you trust implicitly. Oh, hello, I'm Willie Tanner. Um, the character who's the dad of Alph? Ah, the dad of Alph.

Willie Tanner, I'm such a big fan. Look, I have this, this Alph mug that I drink juice out of all the time. It says, I kill me. I'm sorry they don't make a mug of you but they do make mugs of health. That's all right. I understand that they're not gonna make character mug of just the guy who placed the dad. Oh my god. I think I know what's happening. Oh my God, I think I know what's happening. I'm imagining all this. I have an amazing imagination.

That's right, and I'm wondering if maybe you saw an older version of yourself in here today. Oh, that would, what a cool concept for me to imagine. No, no, that's just been me. My family's off at Darius Sporting events. That is a regular old Friday night for Arnie. Willy, do you want to hang out? Also, Cool Skunk?

Do you have a cool name? You can call me Cool Skunk. Alright. Oh, that cool menthol flavor. Should we shorten that to chunk? Yeah, you guys just call me Cool Skunk or chunk? You know, cause the H and Cool and Skunk? Alright, well how about Cunk?

I-I don't know, I'm just going to skip all in hand. No, no, no, no, you're right with chunk. Hey, hey, young Arnie, we have to ask, what year is it? What year is it? Yeah, how old are you? Well, I'm 13 years old. Come on. Some people think I'm older, because I'm tall.

I'm kind of a tall kid. It makes sense that you're bad at math, but you sure you're 13, bud? Yeah, I think. 31, maybe? Got those stuff around? No, 13. I'm 13, but do you think I look like an adult? Hey, nothing wrong with looking 31.

31, having some fun. I can't imagine being 31, that's so old. Do you want me to buy you some beer? I mean, I can't lie, I've had my curiosities about it, but I don't know. I don't, the other thing is I rented three VHSs And they have to be back tomorrow and if I have some drinks, there's no way I'm gonna get through these movies Oh, what you rent? Oh you sure VHS is what could that be very happy stories?

vehemently horny sisters that's what it is. Oh you guys are in luck. Oh, I got some good ones the fly too The burbs. Flight, flight aware. I think you meant to say the birds. No, the burbs. Tom Hanks in the suburbs. Oh yeah, you saw you love burbs. Except for those fucking sparkings. Also, cocoon. The return. Wait, let me see this. More cocoon! Hold on, no, no, this is the cocoa on.

Ah, chunk, can you not read? No, I can read, let me see this. Donald and Metchy and Wild Fard, Brimley, star in the cocoa on. Chunk, did I imagine a barely literate talking skunk? I'm so creative. Who's brain denethy? Who's brain denny? Only one of the most talented actors of stage and screen. I'll see. Haven't you seen FX? I...I appear to you now, in this form of your most trusted adult figure in your life, Willie Tanner.

Uh-huh. So, so that you may guide us. We're here for a great purpose then watching some films that you have collected and rented much temporarily. We must find you. You gotta find me. There's an older version of you. As I mentioned before, we must find you. You gotta find me? There's an older version of you, as I mentioned before. We must find you!

I'm not cold, sorry, my phone's ringing again. Ah, ah. Hello? Ah, I don't, I'll check. Could one of you see if my mom is here, just go to the door and yell really loud. Uh, you sure it sounds like that's a job for you. Alright. Is Arnold's mother here?

But I am Yusudor. Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical lights. Devour of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Turokus. The elves nobius, Dian-Yaluk. The dwarves nobius, Zonen and Hukstenjis, and I am no-runn or Thestus Gasprinius Mastar.

And then maybe other secret names you do not know yet So if you did burn this on a from nine berry loin step forward now and declare thine self-present Hey, you're so never mind. I'll fucking do it. All right Arnie's mom phone Arnie's mom phone Now if she's not here. I don't think she's here. Oh, thanks. Uh, no, I'm afraid she's not here. Can I take a message? Mm-hmm. All right, thanks. Bye.

What could they possibly be saying to get three? Mm-hmm. I didn't write it down and I forgot it immediately. Wow, you said Arnie that this clear device where you can see the inner workings is called a phone? Yeah, I got it free for subscribing to a magazine. Wow, that's like getting 12 CDs for a penny. What are CDs? CDs of course being Cobra Dix. Listen Arnie, there's no time.

For a penny? Yes, about six years ago you fell into a portal behind a magical Burger King or something. You fell into a portal behind a bird magical bird king or something you fell into a Magical fantastical land called Foon where you met us and started a podcast. Do you know what that means? Do you know what a podcast is? Pod is it like a space thing? Are you aliens? Why doesn't this phone have a screen? Oh a screen. Yeah, and you can't open any apps on this fucking thing. Apatizers? No.

I get it. You guys are magic time people, right? You don't understand technology. This is a telephone. People from all over the city can call me on this. Or if they live out of the county, they can call but it's extra expensive. Look, in the future, where we come from, everyone has phones.

Fones is everywhere. Yeah, and they don't call them telephones. They just call them phones, my man. And the only thing you don't do with it is call somebody up. Ah, he's already stressed me out. I'm gonna give me another cigarette. Magic me. Magic me.

Er, Errol total. Can you light it? Galeev Lichtenkaba. Magic me. Magic me. Error, total. Light it. Galev Lichtenkabah. Ffff. Oh, that's smooth. That. Chunk? You said you're from the future? Well, we're from the past and we're back here

therefore going to the future. Does that make sense? Am I imagining all of this? Because I saw that commercial for back to the future too coming out in a couple weeks? I mean, it's got to be better than Back to the Future 3, which only told us about in great detail. Back to the Future 3! Hold on, Back to the Future 2? Why don't they just call it Back to the Number 2, The Future?

Oh, that's a good idea, chunk. I've got such an amazing imagination! You know what? When I eventually go to college, I'm going to major in creative writing. I'm going to do it. Oh no. It was our fault along. Oh, we've forced Arnie into creative writing. I'll never forgive myself.

Here, hold on. Let's at least give him a gift so that we don't feel so bad. Arnie, you should create a cheetah who plays a saxophone. Oh, like a three-Memana, baby? Which I think has come out? Uh, no, this is your own original idea. And I'll call him MC Shittydder. Shittydder?

That's not very marketable, Arnie. Yeah, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I've never said that word out loud before. No, no, no, no, no. If you don't start thinking of more marketable ideas, you're going to be stuck in some niche area that you feel You're doing well in but Perhaps can't grow past. I'm clearly incredibly imaginative. I imagine I imagine a wizard and a talking skunk so hard that they appeared in front of me

And oh, I could imagine myself as me Arnie kneeamp 13 year old Wow, yeah, and Arnie can I blow your mind? You're going to use that creativity in the future to work for jack-off gains, which is a big deal Hand check wait so wait used to know should we be telling him about this future? We shouldn't tell him too much We don't want to ruin anything small Arnie. Uh, small Arnie. Uh, wait, you forgot the H. Sharny.

Sharn, shmarny. Uh, I want to know, it's so this disguise of Willy Tanner, it's done nothing for you. I mean, it was cool for a little bit. You know, you know I'm a wizard, though. I mean, you sort of seem like more of a wizard, yeah. All right, well, I'm a wizard though. I mean you sort of seem like more of a wizard. Yeah, all right. Well, I'm gonna undo this You're already what's this? Let me just looks like a bracelet, but I'm gonna slap it against my wrist. Ow It's a regular bracelet

It hurt. What is that metal? What yeah? Why why did you try to slap it onto your wrist? Oh, I saw a bracelet I wanted to slap it, but it hurt pretty bad. I think my wrist is broken. Ooh, look, I would love to spend the entire evening looking around your room and getting to know young Shmarni, but we need to find your eldest self. Can you drive us anywhere? Do you have a car you can drive us around in or maybe like a big horse we can all fit in? A big horse. Look, in my time people have cars, but adults have cars, I'm 13 years old, I can't drive.

31. What? You're mixing the numbers up. I'm 13, I know, that's such a big number because I'm a teenager now. Look at me! I'm a teenager, that means now I'm gonna get into trouble. Oh. I'm a handful now. That's perfect for jack-off games.

What's that thing you keep holding up and speaking into? Oh, this is my tape recorder. I'm taping all this for my show I'm imagining I have. When I grow up I'm gonna be a late night talk show host. Oh yeah. Yeah that's right. Oh I should interview you. I mean I'll be you guys. Oh yeah. Sure. I mean that's this is gonna be bad chunk. Yeah. I have an idea. Yeah. Yeah. Let's play along and eventually we'll get him to tell us more about what's going on around here and when we learn more about Arnie we'll get him to tell us more about what's going on around here. And when we learn more about Arnie, we'll learn where Elder Arnie may have run off to. I get confused when you say Arnie and Elder Arnie, so can we just say Arnie and Sh-Mar-Shmarni?

Yes. Sh-Shmarni? Sh-Marni. Sh-Marni. Um, yeah, we'll be your guest. He's gonna do an overly complicated intro to this fucking thing, and then we're gonna have to carry the fucking way to this Okay, buddy whenever you're ready. All right. I'll interview you to after this commercial break

I gotta hit the Who's ever touched one this shit they don't really label this very well Oh here it is Hey, welcome back to late night with Arnie Neacamp. Oh boy, I've got some great guests here. One of them is a wizard and the other one is a cool skunk. It's used to the wizard and chunk the skunk. Hey, hey what's up? Good evening.

So, you're sweating pretty bad. What's your names? You just said on buddy. You just said on names. Oh! Here's, let me give you a little bit of advice. Uh-huh. Shmani, when you're interviewing, you want to get to know the people that you're speaking to

and you want to feel very casual and very normal. So, what elder you does is usually you ask people what sort of sex they have. Oh. Oh. Or how it works. If you meet someone who's a little bit different than you, perhaps in a physical sense or in a genetic sense

that they come from different stock than the user.'re I think we're witnessing some sort of earth ritual He grabbed a book and put it on his lap. What is that? Hey, white what's in that book that you put on your lap? Do you need to open it and read it or what's going on? No, this is just a book of fireside comics. I think you're really pressing it down They're good wait, let me see this Well, there's so many animals in this Look at this one. There's a bear lying in the middle of the road There's a truck that says honey delivery. There's another bear

These are these are not quite funny, but I'm still chuckling. I don't know why but This would make a good calendar. Oh, if you like that one, chunk, you love this one. It's called Garfield. Okay, as a press cat, there's a passive aggressive owner, there's a dog, he seems all right, but it's like us! I feel like this would be pretty good if the cat wasn't in it. Wait, what's this one? Calvin and... A-Bess.

And Shaw? What's this? Ooh, it's a tiger. I like this one. What won't that tiger say? Yeah, I got so much stuff to read in here. Do you guys want to hang out and read? Uh, sure.

Let's see what you got here on the shelf. Ooh, boys' life. It's probably smut, don't wanna read that. No, thanks, highlights. What's that about? What's highlights about? Oh, well, there are pictures where, I mean, that's kind of a baby book, but you know sometimes I like to read through it.

And boy's life, I got that when I was a wee below. A wee below what? It's like a Cub Scout, a Bear Scout, and then I was a wee below. And then I got the arrow of light. Aren't you too young to below? Ha ha! Used to be a Scout looking for bears.

Well, then I was a boy scout for about a month, but it was too hard. But it was pretty fun being a wee below. Ah, of course it's fun, but I didn't below until I was about 19. This room smells weird. I'm going to look around the rest of the house and see if I can find any clues

I'll be right back. Try to put these on my feet, but they're a little hard. Your kids on earth usually have hard socks Ah chunk chunk. I don't don't don't worry about the socks. Look at look at some of the cool toys I've got These are teeny-tunnel and ninja turtles. These are Transformers. Wait, they're turtles who are teenagers? Mm-hmm. Wow. And ninjas. Whalas acne.

And I would've thought. And mutants. Mm-hmm. Fun. What was the other one you had? Transformers. They're robots in disguise. Oh, we have those on food.

What? You do? Transformers? Yeah. Oh, but look, on food. What? You do? Transformers? Yeah. Oh, but look, look, see, this is, it looks like it's just a robot, but watch, I am gonna change it into a car. See here. Mm.

Okay. Hey, hey, Schmarmy. Wait, I'm not done yet. Okay. Okay, just just let go. There, there, there's the head. You're here, go. I, or does it hit? Yorika! I think I have found a clue.

Here, a guide. A TV guide. Though the inside is indecisurable and difficult for me to understand, I think once I decipher the runes inside this small book, we shall have a clue as the way I had to go next. Hold on, you said, or Arnie was showing me something. Arnie, go ahead.

I'm sorry. Anyway, this is like halfway there, being a dinosaur. It's a transformer. I forgot how to. I love seeing instructions. Oh, I see you have a question of seashells. Tell me about this one. Oh, this one's a seashell. Uh-huh.

And this one is a slightly bigger seashell. Uh-huh. Mmm. And here is a coin from another country. I don't know which one. I think maybe Canada. Hey, little Arnie. Yeah. None of what you're doing is interesting. And the sooner you realize that, the better late-night host you'll be. 8 p.m. Falcon crest. Yeah, not enough what you're doing is interesting. And the sooner you realize that, the better late night host you'll be. 8 p.m. Falcon crest. Little Arnie, you see, to be interesting, you have to be interested in other people.

Does that make sense? You have to come from a place of curiosity. What? Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking at my shells. You saw what was the name of that show? Uh, the room here, a Falcon crest. I assume it's some sort of weapon or location that we must find. There's so many things that are difficult to understand in here. So the Falcon message is left in this, at 8 p.m.

Yes, Arnie, help us decipher this room. You must help us understand this riddle. Empty nest, oh my gosh, it's Richard Mulligan. And he's a dad, but his, I think his wife has passed away. And it's sort of a spin-off of who's the boss, but you would never know that unless you saw one episode. Well, Arne Schuffer, say it. He saw, I think, and figured it out.

So here it says 7 p.m. empty nest. So that's when the bird leaves. Then it says wings. So we know that the bird took flight. Then it says Falconcrest. So we know that the Falcon took flight. Then it says Falcon Crest, so we know that the Falcon has crested the moon. Oh. When is the moon full again, Anni? Tell us now.

Oh, sorry, I gotta write this down. I gotta remember pretend to interview Crystal Bernard on my... on my talk show. From Wings! Wait, in here it says, out of this world. Is that about us? What's going on there? Are you from another world? I thought you said you're from the future, but you're also old-timey. Well, we're back from the future. We're from a place called Foon, okay, which is where you go at a certain age and you, oh, I don't want to give you too much. And then you get a sword goes through your stomach like I shouldn't say that. I don't want to freak you out. And then you become this old wizard

named Can who everybody hates. Well, no, I shouldn't. Well, I should say that, I don't wanna freak you out. And then you become this old wizard named Can who everybody hate, well, no, I shouldn't, well, I should say that. Yeah, man. We don't know for sure that he's can. It seems like that. It seems so likely. Wow, my imagination is so confusing and needlessly complicated.

That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, Listen buddy, where would you go during this time? Where's a place Arning likes to go? Like say, your parents aren't home, which it sounds like they're not. Where would you like to go? Usually I spend a lot of my time here in my bedroom. I got toys and books. And sometimes I'll go downstairs and watch three movies.

But also I could try to call my friends in case they're home. Which they don't seem to be tonight. But also I could try to call my friends in case they're home with They don't seem to be tonight Or wait and see if any of them try to call me so I want to be too far away from the telephone Sounds exhausting. That's about it really wait. What's this book? Sears Ketalog. Oh, there's a section called Lindery. Oh, pages him. We stuck together here Ooh, there's a section called Lendery. Oh, the pages can be stuck together here. Ah!

What a large tome this is. It's filled from page to page with nothing but merchandise. I wouldn't touch that with your hands. A lot of the merchandise is circled with a blue pin that says, Want for Christmas. Oh yeah. Teddy Rucks bin, I know I'm too old for it, but it's still there's something about it It's kind of like you you kind of remind me of Teddy Ruck's been take that back

I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding. Arnie. I'm kidding more best friends in the future We're best friends, baby. We are yeah. Oh, what's your phone? I got to write this down. What's your phone number? Who You sort help me out? Oh, what's your phone? I gotta write this down. What's your phone number? Who? You sort help me out. 12. Yeah, 12. That's it? Look, chunk, if you don't want to be my friend, that's fine. Don't you don't have to lie to me. No, I'm not lying to you. You're the ones that came to my room, okay? I didn't want to say one. I thought it would be too obvious. You sure let's make him comfortable. Ernie, Ernie, since we're in your home, what do you want to do?

You want to play a game, buddy? You want to go outside? You want to play catch? What do you want to do? Catch. Catch! Yes, but what if that makes you unhappy? What would make you happiest? What are the things around your hometown that make you the happiest? Well, I like to go to video outposts and rent videos. If you rent two you get a third for free after a turn on the next day. Also, I just like walking around and looking at all the VHS

covers and just thinking about what I'm going to rent, but also maybe what I'll rent next time. I also like to go to the book nook. And maybe I'll buy a book, but also I like to kind of look at every book in the science fiction or fantasy section and kind of like think about it like is this gonna be the one? Oh it's not gonna be this one. Is this gonna be the one? You should or I know what happened. I know what happened. We tried to follow Arnie to earth and we died. Or I go to things and pills and I get garbage pale kids. Wait, wait, what are they called? Garbage pale kids?

Okay, now I'm listening. Oh, I have some here. Look, they're cards. Atum bomb. I don't get it. I don't get it. It's like a cabbage patch kid, but it's gross. What's a cabbage patch kid, but it's gross. What's a cabbage patch kid?

A cabbage patch kid is like a baby thing where you... Well, I meant it as it's for babies. Like a baby thing. Ooh, I'm gonna start, that's my new catchphrase. That's like a baby thing. What's up with you, not much. It's like a baby thing. It's pretty good.

I, this is very confusing. I don't understand what you would like these cards because they're gross because they're like a baby thing. It's pretty my name. Because this is all cool stuff. Teenage Mutant Turtles, Garbage Fail Kit, and it's not just me. Like, I'm not the coolest kid in school. But like, it's just commonly agreed upon. These are cool. Wait, what the fuck? I mean, some of my stuff in this room is not cool, admittedly.

But I still like it. Yeah, I'll tell you something is not cool. I just pulled this notebook off the shelf because it says meat on it and I tried to drink it and it's just paper What the fuck is this bullshit? This isn't me. Why would you write me down a notebook when it's just I don't want to drink paper Wait, hold on what oh, there's a piece of paper fell out you saw a look at this It's a page that says list of friends and under one it just has a question mark. Oh List of friends and under one it just has a question mark. Oh Little Arnie buddy look at friends name to like I didn't want to like

junk you're your my friend one you sit or you're my friend Thank you. I have a couple cousins. I see periodically that I get along pretty well with Although I would have to imagine that as we get older, we might grow into different interests and have less in common here. Let me update this list. One chunk, two, you see it all. There you go, buddy. You can put that on the fridge. How do I know what a fridge is?

How do you know what a fridge is? I don't know. I think just, I'm so excited to be on Earth. I think I'm just absorbing everything at a fast pace. Like I feel like I know so much about, hey, let me, where's your kitchen? Oh, come with me. Hey, are you guys hungry? I can make us mayonnaise sandwiches. Why? Why do you say mayonnaise like that? Mellonays. This is, you know, say, mayonnaise sandwiches.

Yeah, I don't think so, but all right. Fine, let us, let us descend this staircase to the kitchen. Wait, I'm gonna go back up. Ernie, toss me up a couch pillow. Okay, you're... Boy, I did not get that very far up, sorry, I'll just walk it up to you. Okay, now clear the stairway let me get on my little belly get on my little skunk belly this is gonna be cool wow wow that was great kind of hurt but it was fun you so you should try it very well I shall ascend the stairs with pillow and hand and now on stomach I shall go down as quickly as possible

I shall go down as quickly as possible. Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! No, do it trust me. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Oh Fine chunk you do it you do it That'll grow back tomorrow I gotta call the police or something And my parents are gonna be so mad look at all this blood Don't worry. I can just simply cast a spell to clean up all the blood and Pull it back into my eye Hero

Tithy Thor theme Huh, ooh that tripled the blood and now it's stained. Oh, no. Yes, and I hear car pulling in the driveway My parents are gonna be so mad. There's blood everywhere quickly. There's only one thing left to do put brawls on our heads and make a woman Look, I'm really into that plan, but first of all, aren't you gonna get a bra? But also, we got a cleaners place up. I mean, luckily my parents take kind of an extended amount of time to get like, to park, to get out of their car,

to kind of like wait a second. I'm forgetting something in my pockets, and I gotta go back to the car, but still, they'll be here within 10 to 15 minutes. Wait, Arnie, here's what we do. I'm gonna take off my white sport coat with the sleeves rolled up and take off my sunglasses and, oh, put out this cigarette.

Oh, feels so good. Also, this place smells like cigarettes. Wait, I'm gonna act dead. I'm gonna lay in the middle of the blood, act dead. And then you can say, a skunk broken to the house and you killed it and you'll be a goddamn hero. And then you can say the dad from Alph helped you. That's right.

I'll just look like Willie Tanner and I'll just be waiting here to meet your parents. Willie Tanner, you sound less and less like yourself with every passing second. I shouldn't have made this choice. Okay, I'm just gonna lay down the pile of blood and we'll see if this works. Right after these messages. Wait, did you record or pick that up? What? I don't know if you know about.

In the future, you need to do an ad break. You did one earlier, right? Yeah, I can do another one. I can pull something off the radio. Oh, okay. Do you need me to talk about Squarespace? And we're back and that totally worked. That was wild.

Yeah, they really believed it. And honestly, they seem kind of worried about me. Kind of would be a pretty traumatizing thing to... And actually, I did see you stab him in the face and that was pretty traumatizing. Arnie, you're gonna be fine. There's no serial killers from Ohio. This isn't gonna affect you at all when you grow up. You must be very quiet up here now. It's not to disturb anyone else in the household,

but I don't know that we have enough to make the first episode of the Onini Camp show. Do you feel like you have enough material? I mean normally I would like just start reading top 10 lists out of this late night with David Letterman top 10 list book that I have. We can listen to that. What is this top 10 reasons to marry Kathy Ireland? Oh yeah, read that one. Number 10.

Gaga, Gaga, goi. Number 9. Ula la. Number 8. Habah, Habah. Number 7. Avuga. Number 8. Habahabah. Number 7. Avuga. Number 6.

She's no Cindy Crawford. Oh, get that one. Number 5. Necessary Roughness. He's coming out in two years. Number 4. Love. Number 3.

Think of all the fun you'll have. And the number one reason to marry Kathy Ireland Aaron go brawless It was weird that there was a misprint there wasn't a number two in there, but what are you gonna do? Oh here it is number two it beats a sears catalog Yeah, I guess I guess this is fun and funny, but I guess it's funny Counting is always funny. It's a good joke structure Use it or why don't you read one? Sure, let me see It's counting. Counting is always funny. It's a good joke structure.

You said, or why don't you read one? Sure, here let me see. Flip to any page. They're all gold. OK, wait, we could have bought ourself time. Here's one. Top 10 Jack Nicholson quotes. No, Arnie, no more top 10 list.

Again, to be interesting, you have to be interested. So ask you, Stuart, and I about Foon or what we've been up to or what we're doing here on Earth. I can't believe I'm on Earth. This is so exciting. I can't tell you how excited I am. Oh, okay. All right.

Hey, hey, everybody. Welcome back to the Arnie Neckamp show. Honestly, more energy to the normal. During the break, you guys told me some great stories about food, the plate, you're from food. Food, food, food. Food, that sounds made up. I wanna thank you for being such a great host

and giving me a lunch able. Now I am able to lunch. I think it's past its expiration date, but it should still be good. And I love this fruit topia. I think this brand is gonna last date, but it should still be good. And I love this fruitopia. I think this brand is gonna last forever. So, aren't you? Yeah?

Why don't you ask me a question about what kind of creature I am? Oh, sure. So you're a skunk. Do you like what you scored out of your butt? That one's a little personal, but, but this is better. This is better. This really sounds like Arnie now. What I squirt out of my butt is,

do you have, let's see here, do you have candles on earth? Oh yeah. So it's almost like candle words a very strong scent and this scent is meant to repel predators. So if someone's trying to kill me, I give them a little squirt and then they back off. Yeah, my house can going quick, I guess.

Yeah, but also, oh I don't know, I don't want to break your little head, but I'm a shape shifter. So I can take the shape of any animal. Typically it was one way and I won't say how, but I currently can change it will. So Arnie Namin animal. Any animal? Arnie Namin, a dog. Okay. Ha ha, a dog. Okay.

Uh-huh, rough rough. Whoa. A cat. A bark, bark, bark, bark. Okay, a cat. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. M-m-m-m-ow.

Uh-oh. I'm a little furball. Okay, in Arnie, um, so sorry. A pig. Well, yeah, these are very basic animals. So you can, okay. Uh-huh. Snort, snort, give me a trough.

Yum, I'm gonna roll around in my own shit. Oh, hoors. Okay. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ta-ta-ta-ta, tti-ta-ta, clon-ta-ta-ta-ta. Clon-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, okay. Ernie, back to a badger, let's cunk. Ernie, I know you think you have this great imagination,

but if you listen to yourself, or listen back to this episode, which you should for edits, of course, you ask me to be a dog, then a cat, then a pig, then a horse, and then a dog again. So your imagination is four animals deep. And can I just say those animals were basic AF. Basic AF? Well, you must not have this phrase on Earth. It means your basic asshole fuck off. What? Whoa. Well, you must not have this phrase on earth. Um, means you're basic.

Asshole. Fuck off. What? Whoa! Whoa! Are you alright? Yeah, that was just very strong language. Oh. Is it? Do you talk like that all the time?

I do. I do little way worse things. Oh no. Are you from like an evil world where you're friends with an evil version of me? No. I spend every day of my wicking life Are you from like an evil world where you're friends with an evil version of me? No, I spend every day of my wicking life preparing to fight the forces of evil, and one of these days I shall take a retinue of heroes and adventurers and destroy evil as we know it.

For in the world of Phoonani, where you will eventually reside, there is a dark Lord who is so evil that we must work together to overcome him. Remember this, remember this, Arnie. And, sorry, Arnie, in fune. Hang on, I'm trying to brainwash him. Okay. Hey, remember this, Arnie. In the future, when I say, Go cheese, you want to go on a quest with me. Well, he's mumbling so much I don't understand what he's saying. Ooh, I want to try, I want to try.

It kind of seems like he's putting himself to sleep. Arnie, Arnie, you are listening to the sound of my voice. As you get older, take all your money and all your parents money and Invest in smash mouth. It'll make sense later. All right. All right it down Oh, I'm worried he usually was in the wizard state. What did what you want to ask me buddy? What was it like for you when you were my age? Um, well, when I was your age, you know, it's a bit of a rough time, you know, going through puberty to some degree and learning about my powers and how to use them.

Just like how I'm learning about my powers of imagination. Yeah, that's right. And actually, um, I want to give you a little exercise. So, you mentioned, um, a dog, a cat, a pig, and a horse, and then you went back to a dog to be fair, to your credit, it could have been a different dog. So why don't we do a little imagination creative exercise if you're going to go into creative writing? And why don't you list me in this notebook,

in this mead notebook, falsely labeled? Why don't you list five animals that aren't any of the animals you mentioned. Okay. And I'll give you a hint. Look at me. Uh-huh. Skunk, skunk, skunk, skunk.

Skunk, skunk. Yeah, that's one. Sheep. A sheep. Yeah. Good one, buddy. Goat. Yeah, goat is a good one.

Similar to sheep, so be careful. Cat. No, he said cat. Dog? No, buddy, we already said cat and dog. Me, Arnie, me, cat. Humans is animals, okay, we'll count that. So that's four. Wait, hold on.

Usador knows one. Let's see what he has to say. Elephant. That's so hard to spell. I'm gonna try to pick ones that are easy to spell. So, uh, usador. Hey, Arnie, keep drawing in your notebook. Just see how many times you can write cat or dog and then get back to me. Oh, okay. Use the door.

Use the door. I'm really worried about Arnie. Maybe by meeting us, he got the confidence to go into creative writing when he's not creative at all. Well, I, I, I do believe he's a rather creative soul. He just probably hasn't found the way to unlock it yet. I had a vision while I was in the Wizard's State. Perhaps there are dual purposes here, perhaps we can simultaneously unlock Arnie's hidden potential and find the Elder Arnie and return him back to Foon, where he is meant to help us defeat evil. Yes, I see it now, before me. We shall venture out into the so-hio and learn all manner of secrets about Earth, that we shall take back with us to fune all the while, priming Arnie's young mind for more creativity.

Hey, Arnie, buddy. Yeah, I saw that you weren't writing at all, but rather you were eavesdropping on our conversation. Mm-hmm, yeah, I'm sorry. You're just much more interesting than cats and dogs, a wizard and a skunk that wears clothes kind of. So, Arnie, if you created us with your imagination, what would you have us do to be more interesting? What else could we do, this gunk in this wizard?

Oh, I got it. The wizard you will be like the janitor at this department store, but at night I put a magical hat on a mannequin and it turns into chunk and we have adventures at night and It's like today special. It's about to appear. It's about to appear. That sounds great, but I want you to realize that right now, if you ask me to create something or to go somewhere or do something, we can actually do it. I am a great and powerful wizard. You need but think about your truest and deepest, greatest desire. Don't try to be something that someone else wants you to be or try to recreate something you've seen. What is it you can do anything?

Well anything except Yusur is not going to shrink you down and you two go inside my body. Okay, that's the one thing I don't want to do anymore. That's what I was gonna say. The world is the I know it's the, but ask for it and it shall be the I. Yeah, Arnie, this is a sandbox. What do you wanna do, buddy? What do you wanna play? I'd like to have all kinds of adventures,

but maybe if we start with an adventure that starts normal, but gets crazy, right? Like, I start to suspect that my neighbors are killing people and burying them in the backyard. And I'm like, am I going crazy? Or is my neighbor really like an evil killer? And then I'm like, I don't know. I'm gonna ask my other neighbor, Cory Feldman.

Cory, what do you think? And he's like, I don't know, man, Tom Hanks, I think there might be something going on. What's going on in the back? This is the staff move, movie you rented. Yeah, this is cocoon too. I'm opening the window. Yeah, trying to grab my hand.

Ah, he grabbed my other hand. We're going to fly through the very sky. Your hands are so wet. Watch as we fly into the air. What? You saw, you saw he fell, he fell. Your hand was wet. Oh, I got him, I got him. Yeah, I got him

Your hands I can I just can't get any purchase on your hands. All right here wipe him off with this sock All right No, don't don't nice and Krusty, but uh here now let us fly fly through the air what oh my god Look down there. Wow. Arnie, look, it's your neighborhood. Do you want your entire neighborhood to be made of candy?

But what would that do to the people? Turn them into candy, of course. Yeah, they turn into lollipop people with big freaky lollipop heads. Then you can eat your neighbors. These aren't your ideas, these are my ideas. But I'm thinking about it. You know what?

Fuck it, I'm doing it Yeah, they're all back to normal. I was in the middle of eating someone look don't take it personally But you two seem kind of not nice Look, don't take it personally, but you two seem kind of not nice. Like what? No, no, no, no, no. You're nice, but like, you're kind of dangerous. Like, you stabbed him, and you were about ready to eat people. But look, that guy's arm that I ate is totally back to normal.

You used to be fixed it. You see, we come from a place of magic where there are no consequences. Well, there are consequences, but there's limited consequences. Here on the boring planet of Earth, my powers are nearly limitless. I can create and destroy and create again with it, but I thought that is imagination unfold and brought to life. So here now, I grant you control. Could you use your powers so that I have the ability

to rent a fourth VHS for free? I mean, I would have to pay for the first two and the third is free, but then the fourth is also free. And it'd be really hard to watch four movies in one night, but I think I can do it. Arnie, you were just flying over your neighborhood. You were literally flying. And now you want to rent more of your dumb,

Arnie, shutty. Chunk, I actually think this is a start. Hang on. Oh, like, magic being another cigarette, motherfucker, go get it. Ew, Arthur. Pfft. And Arnie, you want four videos in one night?

Yeah. It is done. And the night won't end until you've watched them all. Well, let me see this fourth one. Bobcat Goldtwat. Wow. Hot to trot. I've already seen it, but I will watch it again.

It will stay 10 o'clock until you're done watching your movies. And then it's off to bed, young man. Oh my God. I'm sorry. This is embarrassing. I'm crying a little bit. Thank you What's going on? Hey, give me a hug. Hey, you can give me a pet. Do you want to pet me? Yeah, that sounds nice Yeah, I use that you're such a good friend Teddy Rucksman. You're a good friend

You can call me whatever you want. Okay? Here alter what is what is Teddy Rucksman? About a hundred dollars He's a cuddly little bear. He said he's a little bear. Here, let me... Here, I'm a little bear. Oh, and he tells stories. He tells cool, but non-threatening stories. Okay, cool, but non-threatening. Okay, once there was a dog and a cat and a pig in a horse.

And they all made sweet, sweet love. First the pig took off his little tie. He got home late and he saw that his wife, the cat, was with the dog and said, what's going on here? And the cat was like, no, no, no, no, it's okay. Join us for the fix it. Oh yeah, and he had his little pig buckle. Took us a little... I'm letting go!

Tick! Ah! Let's go get him. Ah! Hey, let's land here in your backyard. Uh, you, Sator. Sorry, you, Sator. Can you magic aren't you a book real quick?

Sure. Y'all, y'all, y'all. There you go, buddy. I understand what it's for now. Now that you're standing. Thank you. Look, it's cold up there. And the blood rushes to all sorts of places.

Yeah, oh yeah. I just needed to keep my pants warm. Right, right. So, hey, Arnie, I just want to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you or we didn't mean to causing trouble for you here on Earth. We're just, we're so excited because we've heard about this place for years and years and years.

And now that we're here, it just feels like anything's possible. OK? And I just want to say that I love you, and it'll all be OK. We're going to find you, and we're going to fix all this. And then you can go back to watching as many VHSs as you like. OK? Look, I really do like both of you. And I appreciate that you're trying to help me,

and I'm excited about being your friends, and I do wanna use my imagination more, but I don't know. This has happened to me before. People wanna be my friend, but then maybe I don't wanna do something scary. I don't, maybe I don't wanna go toilet paper the principal's house

or sneak out at night or call a girl on the telephone. Alright then, like I said before, I think you call the shots. Chunk, if you agree, I think that we should do whatever Arnie wants to do so that he's very comfortable and along the way we're going to learn all sorts of secrets, secrets about earth. And then once we know everything, we'll find the true ony and we'll return to food, and you will be even more prepared

for your future creative life. Yeah, this will be fun. So what do you wanna do first? We're gonna be buds. We're gonna spend this whole week and I'm gonna work on my imagination and we're gonna. Yeah. We're gonna like we're gonna take baby steps towards having adventures. But first we're gonna watch the burbs. Come on. Tom Hanks. He's never made a bad movie. Earth night. Earth night. Already already say Earth night. It's the thing we do.

Oh, okay. It's kind of, it's starting to get laid. I don't want to like make my neighbor. Well, you can just say it as a reasonable tone. Okay. Earth, Earth night. A little more than that. Earth, Earth night. Well, pretend that you're asking if your dad's home for the phone. Oh. Oh, no! Nailed it. Now, let's go toilet paper a girl.

Shut the fuck up kid! My neighbors are scary. I think they're killing somebody. I think they're murderers. And so can our first visit into an exciting retro world to wash with nostalgia and mystery. One moment I've just been handed a cease and desist letter from the makers of Stranger Things. Let's just file that away for later. And this was just the first tape.

Let's see how many more are in the storage container. No, actually, let's not go down that road in case this concept tanks and we want to bail fast. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk. The talking badger was played by Adolf Refy. Although from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne and E-Camp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Irrwolf producer Kimi Lucas, this episode edited by Tim Joyce, Special Assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgi. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Special 1989 Theme Music by Andy Poland. Here's a fun mental challenge, go ahead and picture Arnie without a beard.

You can't do it right, it's like picturing Seth MacFarlane without the inexhaustible, unearned sense of confidence. You can't do it right? It's like picturing Seth MacFarlane without the inexhaustible, unearned sense of confidence. See ya next time! Hear love!