Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 67 - 1989: Walking Around Meijer (w/ Paul Brittain)

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

Usidore and Chunt are still stuck in 1989 Ohio with a 13-year old Arnie. They participate in the local tradition of walking around a Meijer Superstore and meet a teenager working there until his band takes off.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLance Jacobs: Paul BrittainMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Alright, so much to catch you up on. As you know, our main character has left behind everything they know to be transported to a distant land. But will Alexander ever fully commit to carry? Will her Colombia's popular in Chic-Pari as it was in anything goes New York City? Meanwhile, Charlottes managed to hide her string of murders, but the police are closed. Hang on. Oh, right. I'm updating you on something far less culturally relevant. Use it or Enchante are trapped in the past. But I do have more cassette tapes recorded by a 13-year-old Arnie in Ohio in 1989. And you know me, I can't spend much time around recorded audio without giving it a spin, which caused no small amount of trouble when

I was working for the Washington Post during the Nixon administration. Let's just dust off this case... and have a listen. Live from Ohio, it's the Arnie Necom Show. I'm Arnie Necom, and I am joined by my new co-host, Chunk the Talking Skunk. Oh, that's good nicotine. Wow, Arnie, I gotta know what happens to your energy eventually. What do you mean? Uh, nothing. Uh, yeah baby, it's me, chunk, the talking skunk.

And I'm also joined by… he's a wizard, he's a big old guy, use it or the wizard. I am use it all. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulector of magical delight. Why are those men in the uniform staring at us? Everyone staring at us. Yeah, maybe you're being a little bit too loud. Oh, also, this is our first remote episode

instead of recording in my bedroom. We're walking around the Meyer Superstore, which is a fun thing that cool kids do. Yeah, it's very bright in here. I've never seen so many lights. Ooh, Arnie, I know what I want to do here. This may not make sense, but older Arnie always talks about how he loves the soda at Meyer.

He's always going on and on about soda Meyer. Him and his friend Sonia, always drinking soda at Meyer. I mean, I haven't had the generic brands of soda here at Meyer, but maybe Future Me knows something that I don't know. Yeah, Future U is almost like a sexual fantasy talking about the soda at Meyer. It's really intense. Okay, let's chunk.

Don't say these embarrassing things about me. Don't embarrass me in front of the Meyer workers. The Meyer elite. Yeah. Can I ask Arnie, it's kind of annoying. I'm trying to get a hang of Earth and I'm trying to get a hang of Ohio. But anytime I go to Spell Ohio, I'll say OH

and then somebody else says the rest. It's really quite annoying. I mean, it was just part of our friendly way of being. So try it. OH. I-O. No, I guess it's fine. Can we buy this wine?

I mean, I can't, I'm not old enough. Do you have money? I mean, I have a little bit of money. How much? Yeah, like, seven bucks. Give it to us. No. Seven dollars enough to buy more of this wine.

I have already reserved this money to rent three movies tonight. After this we're gonna go we're gonna rent Caddy Shack 2, Poltergeist 3 and Iron Eagles 2. Does every earth movie have a number in it? The good ones do. How are you so bad at math? Arnie, listen we could do that, but you promised me that you would buy me more scratch-off. I gotta have my scratch offs. Chunk, you've only been here a week and you're already addicted to scratchers. Yeah, and I've already won 55 fucking dollars in last 78. Language! Ah, sorry. Ah, don't forget. You'll need to pick a fourth movie.

Or I even chanted the video store to give you four movies for the price of three. Oh, wow, that's right. I kind of want to rent Phantasm too, but I'm kind of scared. Oh, I am too. I saw the cover of that one this week, it looks terrifying. It's got a scary cover. Have I ever mentioned that most of my nightmares were about scary VHS covers? I didn't realize that. Can we rent the last unicorn? Do scary. How about, um, how about that one with Clint Howard called Ice Cream Man? I like Ice Cream. Well, let's give it a try. Can we rent that movie Wizards?

Wizards. If there was an animator's movie I saw, just called Wizards. Ah, you know what? It's probably not a good idea for a wizard to watch a movie, called Wizards. It's just like how lawyers, when they watch LA Law, they're always just sort of like, that's not how it works. I'd never fall down that elevator shaft. Yeah, I want to figure out what these dumb idiots on Earth think Wizards are. Hey Arnie.

Yeah? What's the difference between big and big business? Well, one of them is the best movie I've ever seen, and the other is big. Gotta say, Lily Tomlin and I think Ben Miller. Well, one of them is the best movie I've ever seen and the other is big Gotta say Lily Tomlitt and I think bed I gotta say I when we first got here I didn't think but but now I love watching VHS tapes Arnie I'm learning so much about earth pop culture and I feel like in some way that'll help me sure I'm sure well and we have the best pop culture here speaking of pop. Let's get that soda

I'm sure, and we have the best pop culture here. Speaking of pop, let's get that soda. Okay, make your way down the aisle here. Hello, hello, no need to stare. So how many things do we have to buy while we're here? That's great, then. Excuse me, guys. Hello, excuse us. Did you need something, sir?

Well, yeah, I Wanted to have a just a little bit of a chat with you guys here My name is Lance. I'm an associate here at Meyer and at this hour I have been deputized as an assistant manager as well and as an assistant manager as well, and not trying to be like a buzzkill or anything like that, but I have noticed you guys meandering about for quite a while, and I just wanted it, you know, in a friendly way coming in choir about what's going on, what's going on with you guys. Oh well nothing mouth of the ordinary land. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Of course, I'm just an older man with this teenage boy and a small animal. We did notice that. So again, I'm just here to just check it out and see how everything's going. Everything's going swimmingly. Why don't you walk and talk with us for a while? Yeah, I'm walking around and I'm recording my late night talk show that I'm going to have

someday in a newspaper quarter. Yeah, right. Well, we saw that and we thought that was one of the weird things and then all the other things that you just said. And so, so far that sounds like a relatively innocuous explanation. So you're recording a talk show for yourself, is that what you're saying? Yeah, I don't know if you've ever like watched TV late at night, but there are talk shows, there's a night show, late night with David Letterman, later with Bob Costas. Yeah, so you're just kind of having fun

and you're just recording yourself and making a fun tape for yourself. What's going on? Well, I mean, it's not just for fun. I'm just practicing because there's only three talk shows. So you gotta be the best of the best to get one of them. Sure, yeah. What, we're not counting Donahue now?

I, Yusun, are you been watching Donahue all the time? Donahue's a daytime show. Uh, he's talking about late night shows. Donahue's the, uh, he's the master of the daytime talk show. Is it kind of different genre? Uh, my apologies. You are absolutely correct. That's right.

If someone said Arnie, we're gonna give you a talk show, but it's a daytime talk show. I would say no, thank you, I'm a late night talk show guy. Lance, I wanted to know, did you get your name because you are a jouster? No. So you've never ridden on a horse with a lance and and and struck down your enemy? Because if you have, we have a lot to talk about. No, no, I know. My parents just named me the... It's just a common name, I don't know, my parents named me Plants.

Do you want to land someone lands? No. You don't want to join a party of adventurers and heroes that want to defeat evil? You said, I think he's already with a party of heroes. Look at his shirt. You're with the misfits, is that right? Oh, uh, well, no, I'm not with them. It's just a shirt. They're a band, they're a music band. Oh, like a band of adventurers? Bart? No, no, no. They play music. They play songs, you know? Yeah, and they hate Jim. What? The evil band on Jim and the holograms? We are the misfits. Our songs are better. Oh, okay. No, that I think that's a different that's a different band

with the same name I think is what's going on. No, there this is a different band with the same name I think, is what's going on. No, this is a different misfits than that one. And Lance, just to put it out there, and I don't even know why I'm saying that. Clearly, I'm just a tiny little kid wearing a scunk costume, so that explains me. Do you need me to swallow my smoke, so it's not to blow it into the mire store, because I can do that if need be.

No, I mean, it's not a problem for smoking in here. Oh, great. Would you like a cigarette? I can't right now. I can't while I'm working. I can have one on my break, but I can't while I'm working in here. So, thanks anyway.

Lance, I'm trying to get more practice like being a late night talk show host. Would you mind if we interviewed you? Could I ask you about your life and your job? I mean, yeah, but look, I, the manager, Tom, sent me over here because you guys were definitely the weirdest crew we've seen all night. And he was concerned about what might be going on.

He didn't know the taper quarter in your hand. He didn't know if that might be some other thing. We didn't know if you guys were like from Costco or something like that. And you're recording and like, you know, industrial espionage. So that's why I came over just to figure out and it seems like you guys are on the up and up. But I could do the interview on my break, but I can't do it right now.

Oh, okay. Well, when is your break? It's in one minute. One minute. Yeah. Oh. Why don't we go with you to where you're doing your job until that one minute is up and then we'll talk to you for a little while. What do you need to do right now? Well, I mean, as you know, to get to the back entrance of the Meyer is roughly a quarter of a mile away from here. So by the time I get there, it'll be break time.

So we can just head toward the back of the store, past the sporting goods, and then past the automotive stuff, and then past the food area, past lingerie, and we're gonna go ahead and move past. We could be walking while we do this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, you said, or when Lance mentioned lingerie and we're gonna go ahead and move past we could be walking while we do Yeah, oh you sir when Lance mentioned lingerie. I think Arnie needs another book. Do you mind? Aroth tro

Okay, and we're walking. Oh look at that some sort of Hey windshield with her you said or what did you just say? Aroth tro What's what is that? Is that a dance? Uh, no, it's a spell by which I can conjure a book out of nothing. What?

It's magic. He's a wizard. I'm a wizard. I'm a great and powerful wizard from another world capable of great feats, unlike any you've ever seen. He's from another world. Buh, uh, you think it's interesting? That's crazy. I don't know. Whatever.

OK. Well, what you don't believe me, you want me to prove it? If you can prove it, sure. But I like whatever you're doing and saying regardless. But if you can prove that, that would be awesome. Very well then. I shall do something. I honestly, I must keep a low profile,

so I won't embarrass him. Yeah, don't turn the whole town into candy people, like you did last week. Ooh, you sure, I think I know what to do. Here up ahead in the food aisle. Here, here's a packet of squeeze it. So why don't I set those over here? Why don't you squeeze them with your mind?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This seems like it's an act that you guys have planned out. I saw that guy who bends spoons on Carson last week. And it was all an act. Like the spoons come pre-bent and everything like that. Why don't I pick What you have to do to why don't you read your shirt? It says missfits what does it still?

Yeah, oh shit, I did it wrong. I am We get read it now Well, wait a minute. It says Miss Farts. You did that? I did that. Shhh. Shit.

Wow, now I'm in an all-lady metal band that just Farts. We are the Miss Farts. Our songs are better. Yes, that is but a small sample of my power. So know that if you do anything to upset me or to upset my friends here, there shall be dire consequences. I'm not looking for a hassle or anything. No, no, wait, wait, I got an idea. We're here in the food aisle, right? Yeah. Okay, we're in the pretzel section. This is the biggest aisle pretzels I've ever seen right you got up on the top shelf you've got logs pretzel logs and there's pretzel rods. Yeah, there's the nuggets

Yeah, you got pretzel sticks You've got butter twists. Yeah, you've got pretzel blobs. Perth is wild. Those are the waffle cut pretzels. These are the little nibblers. These are the big soft pretzels. I call that as my new nickname Will Nivler and then you've got the Hard Dusty ones that the monks make and then you've got big bag of pretzel dust now That's all the pretzel variations that we seem to have if you're really a wizard Doesn't seem like maybe you could come up with a new pretzel variety. Oh Oh shit. Oh You think I cannot do this? I'm hoping that you can. Look to the very tippy top where log was once a top the mountain. Now, pretzel

trunks even larger than logs. Now sit atop. SHIT! That's right. You said, or you're saving us from a boring world of only about a dozen different types of pretzels. Now there's one more kind. And even bigger kind. Yeah, and Lianz, check this out. I'm magical too. Let me... uh, here at the end of the aisle grab this. I'm gonna turn into this guy. A... What is this? I'm gonna turn into a dunk of Roo. This guy, A, what is this? I'm gonna turn into a Dunko Roo. Ugh.

Ah ha. How'd you do that? I'm a shapeshifter, so I can turn into, well, I don't wanna say any animal, I can turn almost into anything. Name something. Oh my God. Uh, name anything?

Anything in the world. Uh, all right, hang on. Is this an animal or an object or anything? I'm trying to think of some some I'm trying to think of anything. All right. How about a draft hold on let Lance do it Okay, what if you all right? No, Lance you can change into anything that there is That's right anything so you got it I'm not my own That's right, anything, so where's you got it? Um, I am set. My arms up and down to the white. You sure let Lance do it. Lance has it, okay? It's okay. All right, all right.

And you, what if you changed into, and you change into a remote control? Oh boy, fuck. TV remote? I don't know if I've ever seen one of those. I watched a lot of remote control this week. So you can turn into Ken Obaman or Colin Quid or Kai Woha. Any of them I think would work.

I know which one I'd pick. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think you conflated Ken Oberg the host of remote control with Keith Obergman, the sports center host. That's what I'll turn into a Doberman named Keith. Mark Mark, my name's Keith, Ruff Ruff. Sports. Okay.

Alright, that's cool. That's pretty cool. Holy crap. You know, you said, or I have an idea. Remember last week you were saying that you wanted to use magic to make my life better. Yeah, maybe there's a way that we can use magic to make Lance's life better.

I mean, if he's agreeing to be interviewed by us, it's the least you could do, like Lance. Yeah, if you could have anything in the world, if you could do anything, what would you want? A record deal for my band. So you don't just wear shirts with bands on them. You're in a band yourself. That's I mean my own I'm in a band myself. Yes. Yeah, what you said. What sort of music do you like to make? It's like it's like doom metal It's a subgenre of heavy metal. It's not quite speed or thrash, but it's doom metal.

Oh, that are you interested. Now you and your bad mates, you play lots of gigs as they say around the city and you're working your way up. Well, I mean, that's the problem. It's kind of when you're starting out, it's kind, I mean, that's the problem. It's kind of, when you're starting out, it's kind of hard to get any gigs at all. And then when you have a band with a name like Satan's Nutzack, like no one wants to book you.

And so kind of, those are the main problems that we're dealing with. Yeah, I guess personally I'd go with Devils Nutzack. Oh, I assume they didn't want to book it because they don't like meat replacement. It just seems like thanks to Tipper Gore, everyone's offended by just imagery and anything dealing with the cult. So it seems like it's just the deck is stacked against us from the beginning. Well, I've seen a lot of commercials for the news that lead me to believe that there is a real

problem with Satanism right now. I mean, just what do you think, Arnie? Is it a problem for you? Is it affecting your life? I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was interested in trying out Dungeons and Dragons, but I don't know, I'm afraid of the devil. Yeah, and Arnie, last night, you and me and you, we played with that Kawaijai board. Remember we saw that ghost? Yeah, he's still following us. Now Lance, it sounds like if you'd like, as Ani said, we could make your life better. Would you like me to transform, tip a goal into a great eagle that flies directly into

the sun? I mean, I don't want to get involved in anything like that. That seems like it could be against the law. I'm not sure. So I don't want my fingerprints on anything, having to do with that at all. We can keep it. Yeah, I could trace Tipper Gore turning into an eagle

back to you. That would be big trouble. The MS, I'd be ruined. So I don't want to do that, but my break is already a quarter of the way over. Let's keep moving on through, move on past the hard one section. Potato chip pile coming up next. Yep.

And here is the corn chip pile. Already speaking of big trouble, as you mentioned, you still got to introduce me to Kurt Russell. You said you're close personal friends with him? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm friends with Kurt Russell. Yeah Lance, did you know Arnie knows Kurt Russell? I'm a junk. Jealous? Jealous Lance?

I mean, I would be jealous if that was real, but just by the way that he's talking, and because he's like a 12-year-old or something, I think he's lying to impress you guys. Whoa whoa whoa I'm 13 I'm a teenager. Okay yeah but I was close. You were, I mean yeah. You were very close. Yeah they were pretty close. So we aren't you don't know Kurt Russell? No fine I don't I just wanted to impress you and in retrospect why am I trying to impress you like convincing you I know a famous actor

You don't even know who they are, but yeah, I lied. I don't know David Leisure either Well, that what I didn't care about. I mean if you knew David Leisure was you would care. He's Joe assues you David Leisure also appeared on empty nest. Don't you remember watching that chunk? Oh, yeah He was very funny. He was the nest, right't you remember watching that chunk? Oh, yeah! He was very funny. He was the nest, right? He was the nest, I think. That's what I took away from it. What a scam.

Now, Lance, is there some other way I could aid your band then? And perhaps I could create a giant dragon to appear at your shows to stand behind you and breathe fire into the air to create a spectacle. I mean, that'd be cool, but I think we would have to get a major outdoor festival gig for that to even be plausible. The kind of place we're playing is like a bowling alley on music night or like a VFW hall when someone pays them off and rents it out or you know real tiny clubs. So I mean dragon would be awesome but you know we just don't have a we don't have a gig big enough for that yet. A large outdoor musical festival. Hmm. I wonder if there's

some way I could convince someone here upon Earth to start a giant music festival that encompasses all of the 1990s. I shall think upon this and get back to the lands. Yeah, think about someone in your peripheral vision. Well, also I would just saw on entertainment tonight that Woodstock they're doing another Woodstock Woodstock 98 coming up. Just nine years from now. Oh wait, wait a minute. I'm sorry I transferred. Are you just... Are you not? We thought he was 31 when we first got here. Lance, how do we say this? Well, you already know that we're magical. We know Arnie from the future. So in the future Arnie falls into our world and and hosts up a podcast, which you probably can't wrap your head around

right now. I don't even know what that is. But but older Arnie from the future has told us a lot of little fact-boys about Earth from the future. So could that be beneficial to you? Because we know all kinds of stuff about earth and what happens in the future. Do you want to know the fate of earth? Or do you have any questions about what goes on in earth? Fate of earth? I mean, that might be a lot to wrap my brain around.

I mean, the cubs wouldn't wear old theories. Okay. I can believe a weirdo series? Okay. I can believe a lot of stuff. Okay, the skunk turned into a dog for a minute and used a door, just invented a new pretzel configuration, but come on guys. The cubs are not going to win one series.

No, I swear, Future already said so. The user will back me up. Oh yes. That sounds like a timeline from back to the future too. The age came out in this very year. It comes out, I think, in a week or two. Have you come to see two in advance? All right, well, as a matter of fact, I have my dad works for AMC and so I usually get to

see a lot of the movies, you know, a couple of weeks before they premiere because he gets the advanced copies and he has to, you know, project them and make sure everything's working right. Wow. Arnie, advance copies of movies. This guy should be your best friend. I know. Lance, I think you're great. You're banned?

The nuts? The nuts sack, right? Satan's nuts sack. Arnie, you're coming off to eager and too desperate. You have to make him. Say something bad about him. Oh, okay. Hey, what's up with your hair? Uh, what do you mean? What's happening?

No. Do you have a problem with my hair? No, I mean, it looks cool. It's just longer than I do. I don't usually don't see a lot of hair that long. I just everyone in my band has here this long or longer. Why is your hair so short? Because your parents make you get it cut? How they want it to be.

Damn. Oh shit, he flipped it and reversed it. He's so cool. It's also spot on and it's observations. He's so fucking cool. Arna, you got no chance with this guy. He's the coolest. I know.

I want to be friends with him. I have entered the wizard's state. and while you were speaking just now, I reached up to the minds of some of the most influential songwriters and singers in all of the world of Earth and I have planted the idea that they should create a new music festival called a music festival called. Hullabalooza! Ooh. Oh, okay. Impressed?

Who do you want on drums? Philip Collins? Because you can get it. You sure are a great Philip Collins. I shall reach back through time. And I shall displace Peter Gabriel so that Philip Collins may exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys remember Philip Collins now? We already did. No, I implanted it there. He wasn't there before. That's how powerful I am! Uh, let's keep moving. Okay, we gotta get out back so I can have a smoke and you can do this interview, right? Oh, yeah. Uh, all right, let's move on through the panties aisle.

And here we go. Uh, here's uh, home furnishings. And here we go. Here's home furnishings, obviously. Wow, it's just much nicer than the things in your house, aren't you? I've always thought it's weird that the home furnishings are so close to the panties here. It's so interesting all the different panties they have. Panty rods, panty sticks, little dabbers. All kinds of panties.

This store has everything. Yeah. Panty dust. You said, or, I mean, you already did it with pretzels. Do you think you could invent a new panty configuration? Sure. Just let me think for about a moment. As I focus and concentrate,

and now here, let panties exist. In the color of blue! There were never blue panties before. Wow, blanties. Good job, you, sir. I did it! Okay. I thought the pretzel trunks were as cooler, but whatever. All right, let's keep moving. We're almost there.

Just got to move past the weapons section. Oh, how weapons? I need weapons to defeat the Dark Lord. Arnie, buy me some of these weapons. I only have seven dollars. How many weapons can I get for seven dollars? Oh, Arnie, buy me this gun. Oh yeah, babies. Oh, this may be good. Seven boxes isn't gonna get you anything. Uh, you could get a a screwdriver that's probably about it and jab someone with it Though I shall and I shall jab them until the evil does ooze from the airy poor and no longer do they breathe Okay All right, here's lawn mowers keep on moving keep on moving. Here's plastic tarpilines

We've got a wide variety Myer services all of your shopping needs. There's no reason to go to any store other than a myer obviously Oh, huh, I just got a mental message back from one of the people I reached out to with my mind I didn't even know that was possible. Perry Farrell says to me. I like the idea, but I want to change the name. Wait a minute. Perry Farrell from...

Jane's Addiction? You sir, you're mispeaking. I said to check your peripheral. Not your Perry Farrell. Uh, yes. Well, it's true. Right now, I'm getting a mental message back from him. I don't know how this is possible He is not a wizard or is he and he is told me that he likes the idea, but he wants to change the name He's got a he's gonna get it together. I created a festival for you to play in I Mean if you can put in a good word with Perry Farrell that would be amazing. That would really help us out. Satan's dick sack

What even is a dick sack? What is that even? Back on food, there are certain animals who have a dick sack. It's sort of a pouch where they keep their dick. Mm-hmm. And when they are excited, the pouch opens and reveals the beauty there inside. Yeah, it's like the opposite of a fanny pack.

So some animals will keep their butt and little pouch or a sack, zip it open, and then screw it on when they have the poop. This is kind of the opposite of that. And then some creatures keep their vagina in a pack, and that's a fanny pack. We're going to take a break, then, so we'll be right back with your interview. And we're back to the Arnie Neckamp show buddy buddy want you bring it back from break you got this oh oh Hey, we're back on the Arnie Neckamp show. Don't forget to tune in oh shit here. I'll stop that and start it again. No, no No, no All right, are you gonna do it or is I gonna do it? No, you take the reins. You got this. Okay, I'll start it and stop it again

Hey, welcome back to the iron e cam show. Oh, sorry. I hit the button Gemen nights guys. We got to get this under control a little bit Welcome back to the iron e cam show. We're here with Lance and He's a cool guy with hair that I like even though it's a little longer than to my taste. He looks like that poster in your bedroom. Had their lock layer? I guess so. So Lance, you're a musician.

Yeah. What do you think of Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul, I mean, she's hot and she's a really good dancer. I mean, her music's not really my style, it's kind of poppy, but I got no problem with her. What do you think about that cartoon cat that she's partners with? DJ SCAT Cat?

Again, you know, it's not really my thing, but I bet for like someone your age, that's probably like the cartoon is probably pretty cool. Damn, shots fired fired I have no shame about it I love scat ham cats ooh ooh Lance I have a question yeah the other night the three of us we watch grease two how much do you love grease two uh is that that's the one with Adrian's med in the lead role um and over here at Joe Piscopo Pisciscopo in it as well. I haven't seen it. I mean, it seems like they, it seems like with a lot of these sequels, they just don't have enough

money to offer the, the, uh, star, the original. So they start scraping the bottom of the barrel. Uh, and that's how you end up with Med. Oh, yeah, yeah. I, I hated it too. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't like, I was joking when I said I liked it because I didn't like it. It's like a horror movie about a 45 year old going back to high school with Juppescu Po. It's dumb, I hate it. Is it a sequel?

It's what a sequel to Greece, yeah. Ah, I see. So whenever there's a number in the title of a movie, that means it's a sequel. Oh. Or a third or fourth or whatever. Arnie, why don't you tell us that? So back to the future is a sequel.

So what's the first one called? Well, the first one is called Back to the Future. Well, no, there's a tune in it. So what's the first one called? Back future? Back one the future? Arnie, why are you not... Sorry, Lance, I'm so sorry about that.

I'm sorry. Arnie, you're being such a kid. You're being such a little kid. I'm not a kid. I'm a teenager. I'm a handful now. Here, Lance. Are you being such a kid? You're being such a little kid. I'm not a kid, I'm a teenager. I'm a handful now. Here, Leo, do you want to say great? Am I man?

Yes, yes. Welcome, come up. Welcome, if you got him. All right, thanks. Just two friends. Just two friends smoking. Leo, tell us about your band a little bit. Like, what are, like, what are, how many songs?

Do you write songs? Um, I, you know, I contribute to the songwriting. I play drums, so I'm not the main songwriter, and I don't sing. I sing background vocals on some songs, but you're like to fill Collins of the band. Well, I mean, you're welcome. I mean, if that were to happen eventually,

where I would be the drummer slash singer I mean that would be a Phil Collins type move or a Don Henley type move. Oh, that's so cool Yeah, I love that I can feel it coming in my hair tonight. He's so funny. His lyrics are so fucking funny Oh, man. Yeah, I love it. Does he know what Arnie does he know what that means? I mean, I don't know what that means. Oh man. You said, or you know about Dick's axe. Do you know what he just said? Yeah, I know what he just said.

I think I might alter the past again so that Phil Collins writes some better lyrics to that song. Okay. This is fine. I know what he's talking about. He's talking about reproduction. Reproduction. I hate that dumb song.

I guess I don't know that one, but it's from Greece too, it sucks. Of course, of course. But, you know, as far as the songs that we've got, we're kind of working on a concept album that's called Trapped in Satan's nut sack. And the ideas that all four of us in the band are trapped in Satan's nut sack. And so we're sort of the Satan's sperms and we're trying to get out of there. So, you know, that's kind of, that's what we're seeing about.

And, yeah, that's kind of what we're dealing with now. Oh, dude, and Lance, I get it because, you know, Satan's nutsack is, you know, small town Ohio and you're trapped in it, you know, and you're trying to get out, right? So it's almost like, it's almost like, it's almost like, it's almost like, it's like, you guys are trying to get out of small town America,

quote unquote Satan's nuts. Wow, wow. I mean, that's really interesting. Like that's like different levels, like different levels to the idea that you can just relate to your own life. I mean, we were just thinking of like the fantasy concept of like literally being inside Satan's nutsack.

But yeah, I just, I had my mind expanded recently because Arnie's, we got into his dad's cassette collection and we listened to the wall, which is a concept album as well. And it was so cool and it was like, every song was like a little story. Surprise to me! I always thought the only cassette my dad had was Glen Campbell's greatest hits,

but apparently he also has the wall. I might have found it in your neighbor's car. Did you break into my neighbor's car again? If smashing a window and reaching into a car is breaking into a car, then yes, Arnie, you're being such a baby. Lance, I have a question about, and this is purely about your concept album. Yeah. So when you as Satan's firm get out of Satan's nut sack, if you ever do that when he's sleeping, what does that mean?

Whoa, wait a minute. That's a good idea. That's a good strategy because you're talking about like a like a wet dream, like Satan's wet dream. Whoa. Is that what it is? That's like, yeah, that could be like the final song on the album. Would that be like a normal thing for Satan? Would that be like if that was something that happened to Satan? That would be... I mean, it shouldn't be like... It seems like a doctor?

No, honey, you're fine. Satan's like a grown man, so it wouldn't happen to him, but like for like tweens or young teens, I guess it would be more common, but yeah, we've been banging our head against the wall about like, what are the strategies, how can we get out of this nut sack, but we never really thought about when he's asleep,

if just a adult man just had a wet dream unexpectedly then that could be like the final song, that could be the escape. Well Lance, I love that word you said tween. Hey, you used it or can you create a band called tween? Oh sure, I can do that. Oh wait, drop the T. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Thank you. You're welcome. Now I hadn't heard of this Satan fellow until I came to Earth last week And now I've only heard about him from one other source the new lance and it's this elderly lady who says Satan So can you tell me a little bit more about Satan and why you're stuck in his nutsack?

Why did you choose Satan and not say Henry Kissinger? Wow. I just, well, I mean, we didn't really think about Kissinger. Kissinger's way less popular than Satan. And just, it's hard to just cool to look at or anything. So, I mean, Satan is like, he's the ultimate, like he's the devil.

He looks really cool and like hell looks awesome on an album cover, there's like fire and like jagged you know, still lag-tights like everywhere and he's like the ultimate badass so that's kind of the idea. I mean, Kissinger's like... probably worse than the devil, but... he's just not as cool. Oh, I see. I see. So he's a different sort of evil, but a less sexy evil. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Okay. Yeah. My follow-up question is, if you're being so literal about getting out of the nut sack,

ripping out of a literal nut sack really isn't that hard. It's just a thin layer of skin. You can just rip right through that. Yeah, we've, I mean, we've discussed that, but we don't have any hands. We don't, we don't have any way of ripping out, right? Because you just a sperm with a tail. Yeah.

I have a question about the concept album. Could that happen? Could the sperm just rip out of the nut sack? Is that like a thing to worry about? I don't, no, I don't think you have to worry about that. No, I don't think so. Thanks Lance. Yeah, you should, Lance, you and your band should do fun stuff

like that on stage, like rip out of a nut sack and stuff. Because Arnie told us about this band called G-R, and they have all these antics on stage where they like, they're like dismember or cow, and then like, they'll like sit down and rip off their legs and then try and crawl around like they're wild. You ever heard of G-R, are you fan? Do you mean G-R? Yeah, that's what I said.

Are you idiot? I don't know, I just ran about them. Don't make us look like an idiot in front of the Lance. You make us look like an idiot. I'm sorry Lance, I'm sorry. I have so many more questions for Lance about how sperm works. Well Arnie, follow up on that instinct. This will be your first interview.

So interview Lance about sperm. And about whatever else, start with his life. When he was sperm, start with when he was created. So when was he born? Where was he born? Lance, where are you from around here? No, I grew up in Colorado. And then so my parents got divorced and my dad just got remarried and he got a new job

at the at with Amaco headquarters. And so we moved here a few years ago. So, so already do something with that. I know how to have follow up questions about issues like divorce. Like, I don't know what to say. Like, are you okay, uh, um, Lance, are you okay? Do you need a hug or anything?

What? No, what? Do you, I know like from what I've seen, I saw the movie irreconcilable differences and so I know that you might worry that it's your fault I'm sorry. I'm getting a little emotional that you might think it's your fault about your parents But the upside is you might get a C Sharon stones boobs I mean, I know I'm not worried that I caused the divorce I I mean, I know I'm not worried that I cause the divorce.

Of course I'd like to see Sharon Stone's booze, I mean, who would not. But we all want to, it's just basic instinct. Yeah, because that's probably as much as we'll ever see. I mean, agreed, I guess. I don't know what you're talking about in this year, but I'm just talking. No, I mean, my parents got divorced because my dad started dating someone who was two years older than me, and my mom found out, and it was over, obviously. So it made sense that they were going to get divorced.

So I'm not concerned that I caused it, no. Was your dad upset when he found out how young his girlfriend was? He wasn't surprised, but no, he knew. He knew how it was. Oh, all right, say like a fun catchphrase. Like, shit happens or something like that. That's a news, and I am out of here What that's the Dennis Miller sign on oh I'm sorry. He's just someone I really like and and I feel like I'm always gonna like you. Oh, no

Lance if you could get this album completed and you could create this concept as you have envisioned it, what do you imagine would happen next for you in the band? How do you want to evolve as artists? What do you think is in the future for you? You said or I mean it's like one step at a time. We're just trying to like get a gig Get get the record made like someone you know sign with a label like Make any money at all, you know, I'm working here because I'm just trying to save up money to get a new drum set but Well, like the junior badmates you won't get along, you're all working creatively together well. I see.

I mean, as well as you can, we're doing okay. We have fights and shit, but who doesn't, right? What do you have fights over? It's just lyrics, the direction of the band, like what should our stage show look like? Can I get one of the years that you guys fought over? Like the different variations? Let me think. Let me see. I bet your version was the best one, Lance. Well, I mean, that's one of the issues. Like I don't really contribute to the lyrics very much, you know? I'm just considered like, yeah, I'm a guy who plays the drums,

that's about it, so I'm not doing as much creatively, and you know, I don't even know if I should be, I don't think I'm the best at that stuff. I mean, our lead singer is fucking great. His name is Jake Lava and... Jake Lava? Your friends with Jake Lava? Yeah, he's the lead singer. Wow. I mean, all the older kids at school just always talk about how cool Jake Lava is. Do you go to school with his younger brother, Devon? Yeah, Devon Lava. Devon Lava. I go to school with him. He's not as cool as Jake. He's got all these weird ideas about what you can do with a couch.

Is that the weird guy who's been stalking me? And dressing like me? Yeah, he's the one that keeps saying, here couch, couch, couch. Well, you should or you should or. Yes, but I think I'm getting to the root of what Lance's problem is and how you can make his life better. That was our goal, right? It was to like, help him out with magic like enrich his life. Right, right. He's a drummer with no confidence. Who has the most confidence as a drummer? Philip Collins.

Give him the hero Philip Collins. Quick, do it. Favourite. Auro-dolo, auro-dolo, auro-dolo. Hey, how are you doing? I have granted the scalp of Philip Collins. Whoa! You're welcome, buddy. No, you're not a f***ing it.

Now you can feel it coming in the air tonight. You said, or you f***ing asshole! Look at this! I think it looks kinda nice. Turn it back! Turn it back. Yeah, change it back! This is insane!

Alright, alright, alright. It's alright, all. I'll change it back if that's what here they once, but change it back. I think you're missing out here. You could be at the beginning of this bald wave. Erotuya, taira, taira, taira, tia. Oh, god. You're gonna feel like an asshole when Shaq shows up.

Shaq? Yeah, right. Basketball player at Louisiana State University? Yeah, yeah, that's a guy. I don't know how he enters into this at all, but listen. What makes Phil Collins so powerful is his drumming. He's a star in spite of his hair, not because of it. Oh, I misunderstood. Drums. He doesn't have drums, but used it or you could use your magic to swap Lance's body with Jake Lava. Then he can be the cool lead singer.

Oh, that's brilliant Arnie, we solved it, used to or do it quick. No time to overthink it. Tera, tera, kach, yanta,, yanta. There you go, you're welcome. What did you do? You have the body of Jake Lava now. I mean, I didn't ask you to do that. Why did you immediately check the dick? He just had to be sure.

You wouldn't check out Jake Lava's dick if you turned into Jake Lava? Look, Arnie and Chunk have been giving me ideas about how to help you, and I just want to help you. If you don't think these things will help you here all under the body, or I will throw it up and I'll pop it up hot hot hot. But, uh, what do you think would help then, Lance? Yeah, you want us to turn you into candy? No. You can turn you into candy. Look, I'm happy playing drums in this band.

The band rocks, man. I don't have any problem with myself or my drum playing or anything. It's just, like I said before, we need some kind of a boost, some kind of a head start to make people know about the band. So I should make your arms four times as big. I mean, four times as like longer? Oh, I was just thinking larger, but if you want them four times as big. I mean four times is like longer or just thinking larger but if you

want them four times longer you could you could play drums from very far away. No that's not going to work but like if you can make my arms like more jacked that actually could help out my drumming like that'd be more powerful. So wait on eartharthed, bigger equals longer. So the band Mr. Big is really Mr. Long? Or wide? It's hard to say. Huh. Lance, I shall grant thee this boon. From now on, your arms shall always be perfectly toned.

Even if you now lift another weight as long as you live, you shall have arms so powerful that if missed you, you should most assured they crush a small animal's skull without even barely applying any pressure. Would you consider changing your name if you had such strong arms? Wait, did they... used to do it? Did he cut you off? Did that... did that go through or what? Because my arms feel the same right now.

Ah, yes, but try to pick up one of those pretzel trunks. Whoa! I'm totally jacked! That's right, Lance. My arms feel like Luforigno. You picked up that pretzel trunk like it was a bag of pretzel dust. Yeah, Luforigno, that's a great fake name. Like Arnie was saying, maybe since you're now changing your appearance a little bit, maybe now's a great time to invest in a new name.

Louis Farrigno is a great one. What? Arnie. What are you teaching these guys? They don't even know Louis Farrigno is? Well, look, I spend a lot of time explaining to them who Bill Bixby is, but I haven't gotten to the other stuff. Oh, the man from Atlantis.

Oh, and Arnie, I'm sorry. Future Arnie tells us about Louis Farrigno's. It's the best pizza Atlantis. Oh, and Arnie, I'm sorry. Future Arnie tells us about Lufur Ignos. It's the best pizza in Chicago. Ooh, what's another fun name? Travis Berker, or Dave Grool? Those are fun drummer names. I like the name Lance, it seems cool. But now that you've got these strong arms,

Lance Mighty Bicep. You know, I mean, I wouldn't mind having a different last name, you know, why do I have to get stuck with my dad's name? He's, you know, not that great. Oh, what's your dad's last name? She's just... Jacob's...

Lance Jacob's... It's kind of boring, you know. Huh. Lance Jacob's... Nope, nothing. I mean, what if it was like Lance Steel? Oh, wait, you have big arms, right? Your arms are strong.

Your name is Lance, and your arms are strong. Do you get what I'm saying? Your name is Lance. Your arms are strong. Lance Collins strong Lance Collins Lance Collins. I mean that's better than Jacobs anyway. Yeah, can you make that happen? Wait, you could yeah, you can change your name. I don't I don't have to be involved in that part of it Just just tell people that's your name. Oh, yeah, and tell me you live strong Okay, well, but you said or could you just like do all the paperwork right now?

So I don't have to like go down to city hall and do all that stuff. Yes, I'll conjure the paperwork and I'll do it myself I like how you magically made all the paperwork appear, but now you're filling it out. Well, I don't like to break the law I'm gonna sit here and fill out this paperwork Collins What's your address? Uh, uh, 1524. What's your favorite color, Lance? Black. Probably black, yeah.

Yeah, mine too. Yeah. Look at my coloration. I'm black and white. 1524, black and white. No, no, 1524 County Line Road is my address. Hey Lance, I got to go. What's the zip?

Arnie, what's the zip here? I still don't remember after four years of Colorado. Four or five, eight, four or five. Do you guys go out with the interview? This is going to take a little while. Hey Lance, we got to go. We promised Arnie's parents we'd bring him back by seven. They're not comfortable with him hanging out with us nonstop, but they have been very nice and let us sleep on the

couch. But Lance, it's so nice to meet you. You're the coolest. I gotta ask, are you gonna write a song about us? I mean, like I said, I don't do much of the songwriting, but you know, this could be You know this could be some serious inspiration You saw a quip playing that pinball machine The wizard and the skunk Yeah and the wizard keeps playing a pinball machine Stop playing that pinball machine If he really used for me If you came up with a song that had your social security number in it.

It's 5555555555. Oh, you're so lucky. That's so easy to remember. Yeah. And hey, Lance, I'm sorry. We probably kept you on your break too long. In case your manager asked you and you might get fired, just blame it on the rain. Okay. You know, because it was raining. So blame it on the rain. Yeah, all right. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's a Millie Vanilli song, obviously. But it hasn't been raining in hours. Listen, if I get fired, you said, or you can, uh, I can have the manager, uh, killed by crows.

Uh, imagine a rain of crows coming down and picking out the eyes of the manager who had the audacity to fire you from your job, and then they lift up his body and carry it out the parking lot where they do drop it for it to be smashed into small little pieces. Wouldn't that make you feel better? I mean, that would be awesome, but something tells me it's a bad idea. So if you could just magically make it so that I'm not fired in case I get fired. Like that'll be fine. You don't even need to kill him. That's actually one of the few things I can't do.

What I can do is I can magically make the forms appear to reapply for the same job, and I'll start feeling those out. Okay. All right. Yeah. That's, that's good. Lance. Lance, thank you for being so patient with us and answering all my questions about how Satan's sperm would work, especially all the ones I also asked during the break. You know, thank you for not laughing at me about my concerns about your music and if it was normal. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Uh, yeah. Convicted?

Yeah. Okay, I'm a little bit more detailed about that. I think I have to fill out this text area now. I'm just realizing I'm a terrible interviewer. Well, you know, it's like anything else. You just gotta practice a lot. That's how I got good at drums. You just gotta practice interviewing a whole bunch. I'll just write in practice

practice Lance here take this here seven dollars It'll go towards your drum. You said you need a new drum set. I don't know how much a drum sets cost Like eight hundred dollars. So what yeah Uh, like $800, so what? Yeah. $800? Yeah, we don't even carry him here at Meyer. Oh, is money the only thing you need?

Well, yeah. Well, here, give me one of those dollars that Arnie just gave to you. Okay. And I shall replicate it. Oh, I 800 times. Uh-huh. There you go. $800, $1 bills. Can'thuh. Uh-huh. There you go. 800 one dollar bills.

Can't be easier way than that. These have your face on them, you said, or they- You can spend them anywhere. No, you can't. It has to be legit money, okay? On a one. It's not- It's right next to the one.

It says one. One money. I can't use these. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but I can't, this isn't helping me at all. All right, fine. Hey, you can have the original one back. That's $7. That's the best you can do. All right, I'll take it. I appreciate it. Well, we appreciate you, Lance. You take care. You have a good night.

Yeah, all right. You two, hey, you guys are pretty cool crew. All right? Oh, thank you. I'll see you again if you come back into the store. You, you at a citizen? Yeah. OK, just fill it out this one. Oh, Lance, before you go, do you

want us to change your shirt back to saying misfits? Too bad, sucker. I'm too bad sucker, it's not gonna happen. Bylands, thank you, we'll definitely be back. This is a really boring town and I don't have much to do and I hold them any friends. See you guys. In fact, I'll be back tomorrow, so I'll talk to you then. Ah, you'll have that misfought shirt forever. Wow, guys. That was fun, but I never realized how hardought shirt forever. Wow, guys.

That was fun, but I never realized how hard it is to help someone with magic. It's like he didn't want to be helped. Fly, my crows. Fly. Find the manager. You know, we're not actually seeing the Freeze frame with credits playing over it to that music, but it's really easy to picture, isn't it? You've been listening to a cassette tape from 1989 being played in place of a show called Hello from the Magic Tavern, a title that now seems both tenuous and lazy. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk. The Cool Skunk was played by Adolf Reffire. Lance Jacobs was played by special guest Paul Britain. Some guests? They don't need any biographical material. They're just that cool. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Special assistance, aka the Solon Tro in the Burrito, aka highly divisive, was provided by Ryan DeGeorgi.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Special 1989 theme music by Andy Poland. Don't like this high concept string of episodes? Keep those angry letters coming, because I got one hungry waste paper basket. And what has two thumbs and likes to ball up pieces of paper and shoot baskets like a board journalist in the 70s waiting for a lead? This mysterious guy. Also I only have two thumbs after molting season. This was time well spent. We're love!