Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 68 - 1989: Group Project

Episode Date: November 23, 2020

13-year old Arnie works on a school project with his classmate, Julie. Still trapped in 1989 Ohio, Usidore becomes a chemistry teacher.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJulie Andrews: Brooke BreitMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I mean, I thought about catching you up and all at once I got so tired and this bolt of pain shot through my foot in this patch of bright orange flooded my vision. Let's just say this podcast is usually one way and right now, fueled by desperation, is that answer valid of the desperation has been growing over four years? Right now it's different. So P-Body Committee keep that in mind. The short version is, we know Yusudor and Shantartrapped in 1989 with a 13 year old Arnie, and we know that because I've been playing these audio tapes I found in storage at the

government facility where I freelance, mostly for the vision and dental benefits. And now, if you're a fan of seamless, invisible transitions, well, you can keep that wish pinned to your vision board, because this is going to be as abrupt and ineligent as a quibi executive's exit interview. And if you were rotating your phone while I said that, you would have seen that I'm wearing an enormous top hat. Shall we? Yeah. I know we're working on this project. Would you mind? I feel like I should ask in advance.

Would you mind if I record? What? What? Oh. I have this tape recorder. it's because that recorder, if I record us while we work on it, just to have like a record of it, might make it easier for us later if we need to review what we're doing. Yeah, no, I don't, that's totally fine with me.

Also, full disclosure, you've been recording, like since we walked in the room, right? Yeah. Because I saw, I heard we walked in the room and you went, you pushed something, but then also went, khttch, like made like a clicking noise with your mouth? Yeah, I know. I thought I needed to cover up the sound of the click, but then I couldn't think of a sound to make, but the sound of the click, so I made a sound of the click with my mouth. Yeah, I mean, I saw.

I'm just polite. Yeah. So I didn't say anything. OK. That's fine. Do you mind if I play the theme song? Not good. Click. 1. Draw a body.

2. Draw a body. 3. Draw a body. 4. Draw a body. 4. Draw a body. It's the Arnie Neacamp show with me, Arnie Neacamp. This is not a regular show. It's just me working on a class project with my friend Julie. It's me. It's you.

Hey, is all right if I refer, I know we're just classmates, but just for the tape if I refer to you as a friend? Yeah. Yeah, this, I figured we were. Oh. Yeah. Could I have your phone number? No.

Okay. Swing and a miss. Already I get that reference now. Yeah. Swing and a miss. Yeah. Swing and a miss. Because I've been watching the Bash Brothers, Mark McWire and Jose Canseco.

Oh, uh, Julie, this is, uh, a chunk, the talking skunk. He's a toy. He's a target. It's like a, it's like the new version of the Teddy Ruck spin. Yeah. Turn tape over. Oh, yeah, baby. Turn tape over.

Arnie, is that good? You told me to keep saying that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Turn tape over. Oh, yeah, just latch onto a phrase and say it over and over again. Get with. When I was really little, I wanted a cricket doll. Jersey cricket dolls.

Oh yeah. Yeah, they're like human sized dolls. Been the commercial. She was always running around with her, like the girl who had her and they're like running through a field and having a lot of fun and laughing and stuff. And then, I mean, I was sure I wanted her and she would be my friend and then my mom took me to the store and she was just like still in a box. Yeah. And I cried for like a week after that. Yeah. Oh, turn tape over.

Arnie. Your skunk seems cool. Oh, thank you. Hell yeah. Arnie, what's this snub over here? He said it's a bear from the laundry. Oh, yeah. I, this is a little embarrassing.

Just for comfort, it helps me sleep. If I take a tub of laundry detergent and sleep with it at night. And I just kind of keep it near my head. It's just the picture, I just like brands. There's something about brand mascots that I find really comforting. Oh, can I say, I used to sleep with Lucky the Leopardcon,

but then I don't know, I started to feel like it was inappropriate. Ornith, can I just say you find brand mascots comforting? Same girl saying, that McGruff the crime dog can fucking get it, okay? Oh my God. What is he like, six, five? Chuck, I'm sorry, Julie.

Chuck just, he uses a lot of languages as that appropriate. Turn tape over. No, I've always wondered if McGruff was really two smaller dogs in a trench coat. You know, if you like really look at him, like there's no evidence that it's not in fact more than one dog in a trench coat.

Julie, I feel like we get each other. Yeah, it's hard because like there's times when you feel like no one gets you and like you're in the middle of like a big crowd of people and then like you're like no one's ever gonna get me. And then you meet one person and you're like, we should probably be friends for life because I'll never find anyone like you again, you know?

Don't mind me, I know I'm just a stuffed animal, but I'm just gonna like this candle here and then Spaghetti is served. Silly me, I just have the one plate and two forks. Julie, I've never said this to anybody, but I feel like I'm always oscillating between feeling like nobody's ever going to get me, and then other times worrying, oh someone's going to get me.

Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm worried about being abducted. Oh, totally. Like I, and some, like do you ever have abduction fantasies? Uh, I will. No, but I have happily here, but I like if I don't get along with my family and we're having like a bad night, I'm like, what if like a super chill cult comes along? And they're like, you seem impressionable and I'm like, thank you. Cause, you know, it sounds cool. And then you just go, let's go eat granola together

and like bang drums and like we're loose fitted clothing. And as long as things don't get too intense, I'm on board, you know? Totally, totally. The only thing I'm worried about getting stolen is third base by Ricky Henderson. Am I right? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm from Mia. Whatever you're talking about, yeah, I'm with you. I have one baseball card. It's Bobby Bonilla. Please, please. Just kidding, I got two. What? Please keep it down over there.

I'm trying to grade papers. I'm going to get in trouble with Mr. Yusidor. What are you doing over here? Oh, are you recording the show right now? Yeah, I am recording the show right now. I'm trying to, I was trying to grade these chemistry papers, but... Alright. Hello from the suburban Duplex.

Approximately two weeks ago, I fell through a magical portal into a mundane world. And now I'm recording this show with the younger version of the host of the previous show that I did. And every week, somehow, it makes it wherever the hell it needs to go. Because of... magic? show that I did, and every week somehow, it makes it wherever the hell it needs to go. Because of... magic? Yeah, and approximately one week ago, I fell out of the fucking roller coaster at Cedar Point that Arnie brought me along to, unbelievable. I fell out of the Maverick.

I fell out of Gatekeeper. I fell out of Wicked Twister. I fell out of Gemini. All the classic Cedar Point roller coasters and some of the ones at King's Island. Super convenient that you had that pamphlet. Why isn't anyone eating this spaghetti? Did someone just set out a plate of spaghetti and then just ignored? You said, I'm trying to make romance. Oh, sorry. I'll back off. I got to grade these papers. In Ornia, large book for the Gentleman's lap. No, thank you.

In Ornia, large book for the gentleman's lap? No, thank you. Had Julie, I don't know if this is too personal of a question, but I kind of have heard, is it true that your dad was in a cult for a while? Yeah. Yeah. My dad was in a cult of personality. The band? No. No, he was a band not a band. It's a song. No, he wasn't in the culture club. He he was in an actual cult of personality where it was a cult where it was like based on a

personality test. And then if you were a certain combination of letters, you got into the cult, but like you had to get like the right combination of letters to be into that specific cult. He got he was all jays. Oh a cult Arnie is not like with you and Manudo. Sorry turn tape over. Julie Arnie here is obsessed with a little cult cult Manudo. He has their magazines, he has their posters, he has a shirt somewhere in here, I can't find it, let me, here it is. Yeah, wow, look, it's a, they're constantly turning over the kids that are in Manuto and I'm just thinking, what's stopping me from eventually being in Manuto?

That's, I mean, like, that's a good question to ask yourself and that's also a good goal to set for yourself. It's like if you set a goal for yourself to be in Manuto, it might not happen, but what cool stuff might happen as a result of setting that goal. I mean, it seems like the kids on the Mickey Mouse Club did a lot better. What?

But you know, in the future, where we're from. Oh, Julie, Mr. Yusidor, oh boy. Oh, I mean, I'm just a normal chemistry teacher. Ooh, and Arnie, I've been watching a ton of Mickey Mouse Club and I came up with my little song for chunk. CHU, you got a fucking problem? NK, K we get? F you C K U.

Current tape over. Cool skunk, cool skunk. What? Cool skunk, I'm talking to you. Oh yeah, I thought you said Chuck. I thought Chuck was gonna me my nickname. I like to people use people's full names. Okay. Cool skunk. Yeah, yeah, if you're trying to instigate a romance here, they're young. They're just learning about themselves. You have to, you can't just bring out the F word.

You have to, you can't just bring out the F-word. God, you. It makes them uncomfortable. Tell them a story about a romantic time that one of them died from a beast. What, who died from a beast thing? I know, one of the kids. I'd never saw that. This is Julie Andrews reporting live recording right now. I am in the chemistry room. I am here with Mr. Yusidor, a cool skunk,

and Arnie knee-camp. And I'll tell you right now, I'm pretty sure they're in a cult. This has been episode 25 of Cult Watch. Oh my god, this is Arnie. Julie has a podcast. Oh, try to get a guest on her podcast. Whatever that is, she's also got her own show that she's taping on a tape player. Oh, Arna, I keep trying to explain to you about podcasts. Um, uh, what did you say, try and, uh, try and make something, uh, something about romantic. Hey, Julie, did you know that if I have a wet dream, I disappear. That's a fun, fun little factoid. If I have a light dream I disappear.

What can that happen? Can that happen? To shapeshifter, I mean to Teddy Rockspins. What's a wet dream? Is that when you dream about the ocean? Sure. I have wet dreams all the time then. I dream, I must have a wet dream every single night. I wake up sticky with anticipation to go to the beach. Stickier than a ball of Nickelodeon's gack.

Yeah. Wow, that's sticky. Oh, that's sticky. Wow. Oh, chunk finger on the pulse. Ew. Oh, yes. Julie, do you have your own show that you record on your cassette player? What? No, what you didn't. I was, Airbay was talking. I took, what? I took a minute. Airbay else was talking. I didn't think that, oh, Julie, Andrews, you fucked up. You fucked up again. You know I never knew your last name was Andrews. Yeah, I'm Julie Andrews. Arnie, what's wrong with her name?

No, it's great. I just didn't know. I'm just learning so much about her. Look, Julie, it's okay. Look, I'm doing my own show right now. You're doing your own show right now. I think it's cool. But also, if you don't want me to,

I won't tell anyone about it ever. Sometimes cool skunk and I do our own show in the middle of Arnie's show. We don't give a shit. Get nuts. That way there's nuts all over the floor. That's right. Cause we got nuts.

Turn tape over. Are all of you in a cult? Uh, a couple. What? Yeah, I'm in a couple of cults. Only one suicide pack though. Oh no, with who? Oh just me and some woodland creatures I encountered once back in Foon.

I mean, Akron. Oh I love Akron. Everything he does on SNL cracked me up. Arnie, I've been watching Old SNL's and they're so funny. That Chevy Chase guy? I don't know when, but he's gonna be huge. I have got to get you stop watching E all night. Where I believe they rerun Saturday Night Live.

Mm-hmm. Now the thing I don't understand is when we watch Nick at night and we see Mr. Ed. What's the big fucking deal? Why is everyone so freaked out? Who's a- is a talking horse? Yeah, and- And it's not even wearing sunglasses or a cool white coat

with the sleeves pulled up like cool skunk ears gay Well, you know, I horses can talk everyone knows that some of them you guys have a heightened level of familiarity More so than I would expect Three entities such as yourself to have and I guess I'm just saying I won in Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, Julie, Mr. Eucidore, the new chemistry teacher and and chunk, the Cool Skunk. I only just met them a couple weeks ago and we're already, we've already got this like great chemistry where like, you know, like I started, I make a reference and they pick

it up and I say like, um, Mega Man and they say, it doesn't always work, but we got something good going on in Julie. I think you could be a part of this. I gotta be honest with you. I already, I already have a group. What is your group? We call ourselves Men group. What is your group?

We call ourselves Menudo. What? Yeah. The Menudo? The Menudo. And you, Do. Like, it's basically like when I meet somebody and then I'm like me and you.

Dole? Oh, so you're like baking you dough. Like me and you do. Dole? Dole? This could work, dole? Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's like, are you looking for a group?

I don't know, me and you do. Arnie, can I talk to you? Yeah, hey, I'm worried about Julie's wordplay. Yeah, what? That's worried about Julie's wordplay. Yeah, what? That's kind of my thing. No, you're thinking, you're the one I say mega-man, you say... I don't have time for this.

I'm just worried that I don't want to become redundant or irrelevant, you know? Oh, I mean, but look, you just got to sit there and look pretty. That's your thing, right? Like you're a cool skunk. Turing tape over. Hey Arnie, we're in the chemistry lab, right? Yeah. So why don't we make some chemistry? That pin.

Oh, God, junk, don't push. I don't know. I mean, look, Julie seems really cool. I gotta be honest, I'm in a place where I mostly need friends. And hey, I'd love to get it on a place where eventually we're both friends that realize that what we've been looking for is right in front of us the whole time. But you kind of got to work on that for a long time before you get to that, right?

No, I understand. I've been sending letters non-stop to Brooke Burke and she is not replied. So I get what it means to struggle in romance. You gotta stop watching eee. And I understand what it means to struggle in romance. You gotta stop watching ee-e. And I understand what it's like to struggle in your career. I went to the principal of the school and I said, I want to teach defense against the dark arts and they said, no, you're teaching potions, but they call it chemistry. That Mr. Yusador, what happened to the old chemistry teacher?

Nothing. Oh. Don't worry. Certainly a retinue of crows didn't fly out of the sky and drop him into the river. That's the same thing that happened to the manager at Meyer. Well, allegedly. Please Arnie, my jener. My jener.

The manager of Myers is the my jener. I heard about that. I mean, it's pretty crazy because they do call it a murder of crows. Yeah. They do now. And they did before that actually, too. No, but like, definitely today. But they should have called it a murder of mygeners,

because that's what got meert. Yeah, but the thing is, a group of crows has already called a murder of crows, so, you know, if you want to have fun with that, it doesn't make as much sense to say a murder of mygeners because mygeners is already cramming two things together. And the Mega Man indeed. And the Mega Man indeed. And the Mega Man indeed.

Or did you know that a group of scumts is called a stink? No. A stink of scumts? Mm-hmm. Wow. Yep. And a group of badgers is called an orgy. Oh.

Okay. Speaking of who won't handies. What? What? Uh. I think the turn day, turn tape, which is I brought from home. Oh!

Okay. It's in your hand. Yeah. I was gonna say, we got a cut, man. I feel like you put too many condiments on it. These are some sloppy handies. You're always supposed to use a condiment, Arnie. Eat safe.

Am fresh. I'll take a handy. Yeah, here you, eat safe. Am fresh. I'll take a handy. Yeah, here you go. Hmm, thank you. Ooh, is this so prasada? Sure. Did you make those sandwiches or did you buy them? I know, my mom makes sandwiches

and then I just always put extra. She makes a bunch for the week and then she just likes to meal prep. So I usually just put them in my bag just to have just in case like I would meet friends. And so it's like, having sandwiches like food brings people together. And I'm sorry to say that in front of your spaghetti chunk.

I know that you, but I just, I wasn't in the mood for pasta. Oh, no, that's fine. This is actually just Twizzlers topped with a bunch of sweet tarts. I don't know how to make pasta, but I love... Earth candy. Oh boy, Arnie, I can't believe how much Earth candy I've eaten. And also Charleston Chuseur Garbage,

and also, who would ever fucking eat a zero bar? And also, Keith bars are fine But I guess they are there would better be used like chopped up in ice cream and also and and are already also You have all he watched me already watch watch look at him. Oh, okay. He's so much sugar right now I'm looking look look at me. Look at me. I'm gonna die. I'm looking look at I'm looking at you buddy. I'm looking Oh, he's exhausting. You just gotta pay give him the little attention from time to time.

He's gotta eat better candy. He has a high quality of candy. He's starting at the bottom of the quality ladder and he's slowly working his way up. I asked him if he wanted a Snickers bar and he's like someday. I know, don't worry. I'll invent here in the chemistry lab right now,

here in front of your very eyes. And these mints. Ooh, what do you got here? Ooh, not as good as Chuckles or Niko Wafers. These are so refined though. Aren't they very sophisticated? Wow. To your simple 1989 eyes.

I knew whose mints they work because on the bottom of their shoe it says Andes. That's right. Julie, I have to confess. I have noticed. I hope this doesn't sound weird. That you often smell like sandwiches. Arnie, no. No, I'm just saying I've noticed the

bunch. No, this is perfect. This is exactly like I one gym maybe as hot. Yeah is exactly how I want Jim to be as hot. Yeah, I guess I do. I've been saving up to buy some perfume at the dollar store. I really wanted either electric youth or loves baby soft, but I don't know if I can afford either one.

So I've been kind of wanting to get to that, but then I like the way that bread smells. So whenever I like take the sandwiches, I always take one for myself. So I pack a bunch of handes in my bag. So I'm ready to go. But then I take one piece of bread and just like rub it all over my body, just like kind of like on my arms and around my neck and like just to get that like fresh smell. Yeah. Well, it seems it's really working for you. I love sandwiches. Yeah, I just I figured it's like, you know, I call it loafin. You know, it's like you before you leave the house got a loaf. Yeah, instead of taking a shower, you just rub bread on you and it's like an aqua loaf. That's true. That's right. What are you doing? Arnie, this is

Mega Man all over again. What are you doing? Mega Man. Mega Man indeed. Yes, somebody gets it. See, the pay off is amazing. I don't know that anyone's caught that wave, man. Uh, what? Nothing. Should we finish working on our project? Yeah, I'm so sorry. We only have a limited amount of time to finish this group project. Yeah, what is the project? Maybe, uh, maybe you should or an icon...

Sorry, maybe, uh, Mr. Yusodorn, I can help out. Yeah, I... We appreciate you letting us use your room, Mr. Yusodorn, to get this done. Um, we're just trying to make a die, Arama. Yes, uh, please, uh, a diorama. Yes, please. Invent away. I recommend opening all of the cabinets and using as many of the things you find in there as you can.

There's nothing ill that could happen that I could not remedy. Meanwhile, I'll be over here trying to open a magical portal. Grating papers. The worst part is our teacher said make a diorama and then they didn't specify anything else. It's like the sky's the limit. Where do we start? Diorama. Sorry, I just love SNL. Is that sketch out yet?

You should have showed me some future episodes. Yeah, we might be a little ahead of the curve there. That's alright. Victoria Jackson is my dream. I mean, we could probably pick a book or something. I mean, just something like what? Trying to think of the like something I've been into recently. I suppose there's just be like a diorama of something you enjoy. Okay. Like what's the book that you're into recently? Um, I've been reading a lot of the babysitters club.

Oh! Have you? No, but my sisters have those books and they look good. I mean, I haven't gotten around to them. I'm still, I'm still busy reading a book of Ziggy. What a baby book. Comics? A book of Ziggy? A book of Ziggy! Book baby book Comics a book a Ziggy a book a Ziggy book for a fucking baby hold on hold on

Julie can I say I am a proud member of the babysitter's club I was once a hen and I had to nestle on top of babies until they hatched for a friend of mine That's amazing Ziggy's for old people Keep telling yourself that. At least, at least move up to like, I don't know, Bloom County or something. Something a little sophisticated. Agh! Fine.

Look, Arnie, if you want to impress Julie, you only have a limited amount of time before she boars of your antics. What? You have to do something that shows that you care, and that you're listening to her. She's shared with you about babysitters club. Now you share something that you care about that isn't stupid.

Oh, okay. You know, that's so interesting. I like the TV show Alph, and I have an Alph mug that I actually carry with me everywhere I go. Like I know they give us cups for lunch here at school, but I still carry this mug with me. Ooh, swing it a miss. I think that's pretty cool.

Yeah, right. Yeah, like I went to the Renaissance Festival and they all had like mugs and stuff attached to them. Like had to carry a leather Renaissance vestibule. Oh! Wow, you like the past? Yeah. You used to, I thought this was like, Dennis Echersley, Strike One,

but it looks like Arnie got a bunch. It does appear that things are going better than I had originally thought. But I want to hear more about this Renaissance thing. Oh yeah, what is Renaissance? I don't dare to. Do you ever go to the Renaissance festival? Yeah, I mean, I went there once,

and I dressed up as Spider-Man, but I really like old, dimey stuff. I don't really know that much about the Renaissance specifically, but oh, you know, Mr, Mr. Yusinor really loves all-dimy stuff. Uh, yes. Uh, yes, I do. As a matter of fact, I know all manner of things about your ancient times.

I've been looking through tomes and grimoires and books, and I've learned all manner of your history. It seems that the world I come from, Akron, is much like the medieval times that you do experience here several thousand years ago. Several hundred years ago. Yeah, and I love Renaissance. Sons, you eat it! No, no that's ahead of the curve again Why do you keep showing me these future TV show? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You eat it

Why go every time that they're in town and I don't know Maybe it's because it feels like it's a cult or something like it's a bunch of funky people hanging out together and They maybe wouldn't belong somewhere else, but then they all get together and put on just like burlap, sacky clothes, and attach drinking vessels to themselves and speak in a funny way of like- What funny how? All ye who gather here come and witness such festivities

that thou hast been privy to. But, Arnie, we have to go, that's food. But you have food in a while. We have to go, Arnie. We must get home. Look, I gotta say, it sounds like it would be fun to do once or twice, but you don't wanna do it like 200 sometimes in a reality like that. Sure, after a few years, it gets a little stale, but who cares? But regardless, Yusur and I would constantly strive to try and get home.

Always, that would be our main goal and we'd never let it slip, not for a second. But at least, we're focused on what we want to accomplish and once we accomplish that, we'll figure out what's next. We don't have to spin our wheels just to avoid making some big choice. Wait, what are you two supposed to be accomplishing now? Like, you're here. What do you, what do you even mission are you guys on now? I forgot.

I got a job as a chemistry teacher while I'm trying to find my friend, Aani, the older version of you, as soon as I find him, I'll use the chemicals that I've taken from this job that I've been hiding in my hatchback. And then I'll create an explosion so large that it most assuredly will send us all directly to food. I think that's why the last chemistry teacher got fired.

Yeah, and I'm trying to catch up to the Kevin Neal in years. This is Julie Andrews reporting live. Things are getting spicy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, honey. Yeah, honey. What, what, honey. Yeah, honey. What? What, honey? I'm right here.

I can only say what so many times. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Honey, shh, yeah, honey. Get out of my ear. I'm sensing out. I'm sensing a theme with Julie. Uh, I think she likes cults. So pretend like you're in a cult.

Oh, okay. Hey, I really do. Hey, Julie, I was thinking, if you like to hang out with us a little bit more, but there's just one thing, never tell your family about us. Promise. Nice. Hand to my handy. I promise I will never, ever, as long as I may loaf.

Tell my family. Well, speaking of Handys, squeeze it. I'm gonna drink this one here in front of me with a delicious fruit beverage, and we're gonna take a, Arnie, quick, we're gonna take a quick break. I know that means nothing to you, but in the future it'll make sense.

Yeah, we're all gonna, how about this? We'll take a break and we'll all shove these Handys in our mouth. Yeah, wash them all down with some extra cooler. Click. It's so Julie. I guess it's just not hand up to you and me. I usually hate doing group project because not everybody pulls their weight and stuff and

and just our look, Devin Lava is part of our group and who knows where he is. Devon? Is that the guy who fucked the couch? K-wout, that... Yeah! But he told me that in confidence! Everybody knows that Devon fucked the couch. Oh yeah!

Fuck that couch, go Devon, go to fuck that couch, go butt it butt it fuck that couch, well yeah. That's what everyone sings. I love the sound of that music. Oh, thank you. You used to replay it for Tumi from the future. Oh, Julie, did we tell you that we know Future Arnie? He eventually falls through a portal into this magical land where he meets the two of us,

and he starts a podcast that becomes semi-successful, and oh, what else? Oh, there's so many things. And then he grows up even further to become a can, the wizard, who's this wizard of time and space or something, and, Ernie, why are you looking at me like that? I'm just trying to, wait, I become a wizard? Oh, joking! Well, I'll need to tell you, I'm're murdered by a chunk here a few million years later.

What? Sorry Julie, someone turned my settings to comedy, turned it over, you're joking. These are jokes. That sounds awesome. Yes, we are just kidding. If you want to say that shorter, I suggest shortening it to JK. Wait, Arnie, she's into it. She said that sounds awesome.

I was on board with all of that except for the word podcast. Yeah, I don't, what is that? It sounds so weird. Well, pot, of course, is what you call a group of whales. And cast is what you do to a net, a netfootatello, who was on the Mickey Mouse Club. And where to go from here? Arnie, make a man. Make a here. I mean, Megaman.

Megaman. It just makes me think of Star Trek IV. The voyage home. They saved those whales. You know what? Having a sci-fi movie and then bring it to the 80s seems cheap. Huh. I think that movie's coming out.

Huh. Too, Bueller. But yeah, everybody knows that Devon Live will have fucked a couch. Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna quick go out in the home, see if I can find him, because he should be helping with this, right? It's not just the two of us.

I'll be right back. Well, if Devon fucks that couch, then you know Pee, Herb and's fucking that chair, right? We fucks that couch, then you know Peeley Herbons fucking that chair. Right? We all believe that, right? I mean, there's gotta be at least sexual attention. Cherry? It is it sweet cherry? Oh, he's gotta be fucking cherry. Do you see the way she looks at him?

Oh, yeah, that whole show is a real will they want, eh? Yeah, a floating head. Come on. A blue head. Come on. Hey, guys. Yeah come on. Hey guys. Yeah? Guys, down here. Oh, sorry, you're under the line on the table? Down where? Down on the table.

On the table, I see the mug, I see some magazines, the papers, I'm supposed to be great. Does anybody want to drink me? What the fuck? Who's... You pervert? You fucking pervert, who is this? Alph me? It's the gmalph mug, anybody want to take a drink?

If you're sweet buddy at the alph mug? That's Arnie's voice, user that's Arnie's voice. He's become... Well, not a tiki mug, but he's become a different mug. He's become an alph mug. You 22 ounce bitch. Why have you been hiding from us? 22 ounce bitch, I know what that means.

I killed me. That's a good one. Adi, is that you is that you that knows us? Yeah, yeah, sorry. I'm just, uh, Julie, perhaps you should go help One find Devon, even though I'm pretty sure that Devon is in the gym right now. Okay, yeah, I was just in the corner working on

trying to make something out of these twizzlers in our diorama to see if I could like maybe do a snake thing or something. Ooh, the twizzlers could be blood. Force spaghetti? Okay. Hey Julie, do you want to drink me? Arnie, shut up. That was me throwing my voice.

I'm a Teddy Ruxpin. That's what we do. Learn to throw your voice, full of your friends, fun at parties. That was Arnie's alfmug. Yeah. Don't I look delicious? Just want to drink me, right? I'm a mug, it's my purpose. Arnie, what the fuck are you doing? Not in a weird way, just drink me a lot. I was okay until this very moment. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go outside and when I come back I hope that

somebody in this room drinks him. Yeah, oh Julie all these fumes here in the Chem Lab. Oh I think we're all seeing things and hearing things out you go. Slam, Arnie what the fuck are you doing? I'm sorry, it's something about being a mug, it makes me really want to be drunk. Is it that drunk? So, care about me. We don't care about being a mug. We've been stuck here for two weeks. Do you know how hard it is to find a three-piece blue suit?

Where every piece of it is blue? So every time I drink out of a glass of mug, I'm basically getting them off. Oh. Well, like, it's not not like it's not overtly sexual. The three of us need to get back to food. Look, I don't, look, we're here to figure out what the deal is with the artifact, right? Well, yes, I suppose so. I suppose there's some mystery to unravel there.

But wait, so I've been laying low. I have been watching and listening and waiting for someone to drink me. Not just fucking stomping around like a bunch of dicks. I have been trying to see. How are you gonna see anything if you're constantly screaming, hey, I'm a wizard and hey, I'm a talking animal.

We have been trapped here for over two weeks and I don't know how you did it for as long as you did because all I want to do is go home and I will do anything, fix anything, move, heaven and food itself to get back. Now, if that means solving the mystery of this artifact, then so be it. How long have you been in this mug? I mean, I don't know, a couple weeks.

Couple weeks, so you got here about the same time we did? Yeah, like maybe like a five minutes before you. Couple weeks and you're just talking to us now. Also, our coneheads are real. Cool skunk. Be cool. Sorry. Sorry. Our coneheads are real.

Answer the damn question. Our coneheads are real. I mean, they're real good. I don't know. They're not like, they're actors. It's Dan Acroid and Jane Curtin. Fine. We'll solve the mystery of the artifact.

We'll go to France and see if there are any other coneheads. Then, we're going back to Foon. Yeah, and we know how to get there, Arnie. We've heard about the Renaissance figure. You idiot! We know all about it, so we know how to get home. Sorry, cool skunk. Well, I'd see, truly, an Arnie,

young Arnie, Arnie the younger, and then again, everyone act normal. I'm behaving as I usually behave. Yes, this is me normally walking. I think we're just going to have to finish this by ourselves and not worry about Devon. Or possibly talk about what I left here when I went to go find you. What do you mean? What happened?

You said, or what? Shunk, what did you do? We didn't do anything. We didn't do anything. What are you talking about? Julie, are you all right? I can tell these guys to go away if they're being weird. No, I would just feel better.

Can we, can we shove a bunch of handies in that mug? I mean, I just want to make sure to see what's gonna happen if we just shove it. Every sloppy handy we've got into that mug. You're just saying you want to fill that mug with sloppy handies, is that it? You used to doors this, what sex is on earth? I-I hope not.

I think I should stand outside for a while. Do you want some of these teddy grams? I'm just gonna keep flat in this shit show. Oh yeah, thank you. Oh! She's really working that handy. This- Spit on it! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-t, pfft. This is the opposite of what I wanted. Nobody wants to eat a dry handy.

Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Okay. Well, I don't know what that was about, but... Okay. I am... I was fine with all of this, and you guys seem really cool, and like, we got to finish this project but I just feel like maybe I know too much. What? Oh, you know what? There's so many more secrets to unlock as you work up the levels of our cult.

Oh. Like you just barely, you barely scratched the surface. You're right. God, stupid, julie Andrews, doing it again, jumping ahead, thinking you're at the top when you're still at the bottom. No, I'm sorry. I just, I got all excited. Like I was really in this right now and I thought it was all happening, you know? It's like me and N you dough all of you like we just really were coming together and

God Yeah, I jumped ahead. I really felt like I was like vibing like things were coming to me And I was a part of this and hearing things and really like I'm just the bottom. Like I have, I wouldn't even start, we have talked about what I'm supposed to start selling. What am I supposed to start selling? Julie Andrews started to pop in, but what we're selling here is membership to the cult. So that's all you have to do. And we're not, we won't brand you unless you want to be branded and

We all take a vow to Are you the one in the brands? I love brands Also chunk I don't think it's a problem if you pop in and I think that would make us all marry Oh, thank you. I think if you do well enough you could be a vict victor, Victoria. I mean, I mean, Julie. Julie. I like the stars of this music. That's all of them. That's it. That's all she did. Decades and decades, and that's it.

Oh, wait, Julie, what's... Something fell out of your bag here. What? That if you're backpack. Arnie, look at this. Oh, it's a book. The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. Oh, Arnie, you should read this. Oh, I mean, I'm mostly just read comic books. Oh, I think he told me once that this was your favorite book. Oh, really?

Yeah. You said it's written by Tim O'Brien, the brother of the man who wrote Rocky Horror Picture show, Richard O'Brien. Sure brother of the man who wrote Rocky Horror Picture Show. Richard O'Brien. Sure. Well, Julie is a good? Uh, yeah, I didn't think I had this book, but I guess I do. I haven't even read it yet. I'm not into, like, war stuff, you know, and that cover of it makes me think it's going to be kind of a bummer.

Yeah, and it says on the cover, it's an advanced copy, not for sale. I got this from, I'm in a different cult, it's called a book club. It says this is gonna come out in 1990. What? No, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, don't, I'm sorry, nope, nope, to, uh, nope, nope, no, that's not what it says.

I'm just gonna erase it. Wait, no Julie Julie. I know I know you're very serious about not sharing secrets from various cults you're in But is it true that you're in a cult with a bunch of famous authors? Because I swear I saw you talking to Stephen King last week I week. I have a hole in things appear in it. I have a hole in the ground and things from the future appear in it. Things from the future appear in this hole. And if you put your hand in the hole, you get something from the future. I have so many things. I have something called pizza rolls. Julie, Julie, it's fine. This isn't a big deal. It's the future hole. It's okay. That's not weird. You have. Julie, Julie, it's fine. This isn't a big deal.

It's a future hole. It's okay. That's not weird. You guys don't think I'm weird because I stick my hand in the hole and get things from the future. It's just a future hole. I'm gonna think about this all the time. Julie, it's not weird at all and please

continue to talk about the pizza rolls. It's pizza. What time can I eat them? It's in like a nugget. What time can I eat them? Anytime. I mean, it's not like it's on a bagel or anything. Pizza lunch? Pizza at night?

Pizza at anytime? It's not a bagel, but it's something else. Why would a pizza roll be a bagel? It's perfectly clear to you. It's not pizza on a bagel. Look, I just want to know when. You can't really eat it anytime, but you can eat it with your convenience.

Fine. How long does it take to get a delivered? It's not delivery. It's the pizza rules? OK. Well, what do I want on my tombstone? Chunk? What I'm just saying.

Don't even talk about that. So morbid. I'll be your Huckleberry. Thanks again, you should refer that advanced copy of Tombstone. No problem. I probably could have gotten you that for my future hole. Arnie, you should dig into her future hole. I'm- look, we're not good enough friends for the future hole yet. We're just at hand these right now. Was there a whole man in Mega Man?

Well enough about future hole. You two have a whole future ahead of you you young crazy cats so so why don't you why don't we take why don't we put a pin in this project and want you to um so let's up in we could just put a pin on this board maybe that's something is this our di? I put all the twizzlers in there. They look like blood snakes. I mean, I guess we could say it's like the body. And like maybe if we had something that could be the heart and all the blood snakes coming out of it.

Truly, I've noticed that, you know, I've only known you for a little while, but you tend to bring a blood snake a lot. Like, once in the middle of civics, you just like screamed blood snakes from the back of the classroom. You take a class on Hondas? The earth is weird. Yes, back on food, we call blood snakes veins. Yeah, I just I just think they're really interesting. And I think about like how bodies work all the time. And for me, it's helpful to ground myself and think about the fact that there's blood

always coursing through your body at all times, but it feels kind of dangerous, like we're dangerous. So then it just helps us release to be like, blood snakes. Also, it's just another cult. I'm currently a part of. Another cult? Julie, how many cults are you a part of?

Currently 12. Would you look, and I don't need to know about all of them, but would you mind just telling us about six of them? Mnudo. One. Blood snakes. Two. Hairy.

Three. Three. Try this for a dad club. Blood snakes to Herapy three three Try This four dad club five book club six wicker baskets Seven you're just looking around the room now Yeah, that's good though. Wow. I mean some of them them I've just made up. They're future cults. I haven't really participated in them yet, but I just think about them, the ideas of them, and what the logistics might be,

and what the in is. You've reached into the future hole of your very mind and pulled out this information for some time later. Yeah, and I can have that information for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. You've sent your mind through time. Time, mind. Is that something?

Look, Julie, I know you got all these cool other cults and that. Maybe those are your main focus, but I gotta say just like me and you do? Nice. Maybe sting. Well, I think we need to go. I think we should go. Uh, we're just gonna take this mug and let the two of you stay here in the laboratory for a while.

Yeah, and- And- And he's out of me. What was that? He's out of me. Is that canned talking? Good. Uh, I don't know why you're- Oh, let's get these manies out of the mug.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. These are these out of me. Is that can talking? Get I don't know where Oh, let's get these man these out of the mug. Oh, oh, oh shit. Oh Farney. I'm so sorry for any are you okay? Yeah, okay. Sorry. I'm calling you for any cuz that's a future Arnie I just don't want to confuse myself. I think though. Oh wait. I think the only thing that can save me is if you drink me. The nice try pervert 22 ounce butch. That's actual.

Now Julie, you mentioned Wicker basket. Having watched E-News night and day, is that a basket from Boston? What? Is any basket from Boston a Wicca basket? Isn't that what they say? Like I'm wicker horny. I'm just trying to make conversation. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry. I just don't have to answer that. I have a turn tape over. I'm so sorry. I've already walked in on him humping a wicker basket. How do you like them apples?

It's about 10 years away. Goodwill humping. Hi five.ples? It's about 10 years away. Ha ha. Goodwill humping. Hi five. Vsador dole be hanging. Yes. Yeah. Ta ta ta ta ta.

So much sugar. I'm a shirish. Ornie, can I have some more air heads and gushers? Uh, yeah. Yeah. I keep them in my bucket. I think you're thinking of air man and gush man for making man. It's. I hate fighting gush man. I hate fighting in my pocket. I think you're thinking of airman and gushman for Mega Man.

It's... I hate fighting gushman. I hate fighting gushman. The sounds he makes when you hit him? I'm sure he has lots of wet dreams. Me, some phony. Oh, we should actually probably finish this and get going. Relate for school pictures.

What? What? School pictures? Yeah, school picture day. I didn't want to see anything based on how you showed up today. That's today? Yeah, it's today is school picture day. I don't know, why did I try to cut new bangs for myself last night? I don't know. I'm not sure why you tried to cut them in the back of your head. I've never had that impulse any other time in my life. Why did I do that?

And Arnie you're wearing a shirt that says, let's 68 and I'll owe you one. What the fuck were you thinking? It was a gift from one of my weird uncles. Ugh. I don't even know what that means. What does it mean? I'm so thirsty.

Arnie you're so bad at math. Oh yeah. Oh, duh. Yeah. Wow. Thanks a lot, Gordon Shumway. Well, is that the end? Or have I just had enough? You'll never know.

You've been listening to Arnie Neekam's cassette tapes from 1989 in place of transmissions from Foon, a land in another dimension that does not exist. Usuror the Wizard was played by Mat Young. Chunk, the cool skunk, was played by Adolf Refy. Julie Andrews was played by special guest Brooke Bright. Brooke works as a writer and director at Jackbox Games. Check out the new Jackbox Party Pack 7, available on all digital platforms, whatever that means.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arneneekam, Matt Young and Adolf Refy. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer, Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman, Special Assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgi. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Special 1989 theme music by Andy Poland.

And now, I'm gonna spend the next six days seeing if there's anything else in this facility that can be shoved into that tape recorder to produce some sort of sound for us to enjoy. If that means a knife, so be it. Piece of sandy toast I found on the beach? I'm listening. A damp, cube shaped life form covered with matted down hair and a single eye.

Actually that would be Conoray, my childhood pet, and I'd be delighted to see him, I'd never shove him in a cassette player. But the knife? Oh, hell yeah. Okay, and just look right over here. Look at Mark, my friend Mark. Mark's holding a puppet. Look over there. Look over here.

And say one, two, three, Reagan. Reagan. No, you say one, two, three. And then Reagan. One, two, three three and then Reagan one two three and then Reagan And my wait I'm saying one two three and Reagan. Yes, one two three Reagan One two three Reagan and now I'll count down. Don't hold it With the sound

Julie I'm up here. I'm up here Mark mark at it the base Beautiful next okay Oh, we got a we got a cow lick Oh, we got a cow lick. Andrew, we need to take a quick break and eat some handies. Oh, sorry, young man. My friend and I have to eat some handies real quick. No problem.

Andrew, Julie. How did you know my fault? Oh, my shirt. 68, no, oh you won. Very good, young man. Very good. I don't get it. Now it seems like a good time to mention that I regret not making a dough a dear or a female

dear when we were talking about Manudo earlier. What's that? You and me, dough. Nothing. A dear. We'll be right back and then you'll get your old and mills official photo. Do you want lasers behind you or tattooing? That's fast. We're gonna get them. We're gonna get them now. If anyone asks, it's just the desert town.

Well, you don't wanna get sued by Lucasfilm. Mark, Mark, what are you doing, coward? Coward, I'm married to a coward. This line is so getting so long to take you so much time with each picture. Well, we have to pay in a new backdrop every time a new kid comes out. Well, then they're all for him.

I don't know, why are you new peaking, you keep reigning the same thing? Why are you new picture picture because we're not general mills we're all in mills and we pride ourselves and having a different background for every picture I like general mills can I do mine again and get some Lisa Frank could you please leave Good bye Oh, goodbye!