Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 69 - 1989: Scary Neighbor

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

13 year old Arnie thinks he's witnessed a murder so Usidore and Chunk help him break into his neighbor's house.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth You know how you get into something and it turns out to be something else entirely? Thinking Friday Nightlights is gonna be a football show? Thinking the newsroom is gonna be...good? Well, pull up a limited attention span because instead of broadcasting from a tavern in a fantastical land, which is fake, we're currently playing old cassette tapes recorded in 1989 Ohio. So yeah, a lot like thinking you're getting more West Wing, but instead getting Jeff Daniels'

grandpa's explaining what's wrong with Twitter. Still, I need to get through this, and you need some downtime before diving into another my favorite murder. So pour yourself a nice cold glass of Earth Liquid, turn off that mental filter that might catch some critically inachroistic details. And listen. It doesn't make sense that you'd have to push them both at the same time, but I guess you do want Order to start. Welcome to the Arne knee camp show. A taped here onto this small, tape-yler device. Today's guests include Young Arne, Cool Skunk, or...

Junk! Oh yeah, 80s! And of course myself, you should all the wizard. I have been trapped here for the last three weeks, and all I do is desire to get back to Foon. But in the meantime, I've had to quit my job as a chemistry teacher, and now I'm selling insurance door to door. A chunk, what have you been up to this week?

Um, what I have done a bunch of stuff. I dressed up like a little kid and went to school just to see what that's about. Wild, uh, absolute wild fucking ride. You would not believe what they serve kids in these cafeteria's. Oh, what do they serve them? Well, I got in line and they handed me this big rectangle and I was like, I'm supposed to eat this and they said, keep moving. So I started to shuffle down this line and this woman took a ladle and sloped down what I can only assume was some sort of, it was like corn but it was covered in some sort of mucus.

And then I grabbed this tiny little barrel, but it wasn't a wooden barrel, it was like this clear wood barrel full of a purple drink. And when I drank it, it was delicious, it was full of sugar. And then this tiny Deborah was on this package, this little tiny Deborah. And she said, I have oatmeal cream pies, and I said, oh, very good. So I took one of the tiny Deborah's. They're delicious. What else did I do? It sounds wonderful and very nutritious and healthy for growing young bodies. I think you've, uh, have an opportunity now to grow larger than you've ever been before chunk.

Ooh, yeah, I mean, I've grown a little bit since all those tiny debras and all the, uh, I feel like Earth food is so sweet. Oh, yes. And they're pumping this- this shit into kids like, this is bonkers. Speaking of pumping out shit, I'd like to introduce today's special guest, the older Arnie, who's trapped here in a mug. Yeah, hi, yeah. Yeah, less young Arnie, who's trapped here in a mug. Yeah, hi, yeah. Yeah, less young Arnie, did my consciousness trap in this alphamug?

You could just say, older. I mean, sure, older, but eventually older will get changed to old. I'm not old. I'm just a regular, 40-year-old guy fell into another dimension, then fell back into his own dimension, I guess, went back in time and got his consciousness trapped inside an elf mug. Anybody want to drink me? No, thank you. Why do you think you have been trapped in this particular vessel? What is it about Alf that is so appealing to your elder mind? You know, or aged old mind? I guess it's just a nostalgia for this time period,

and my consciousness must have just jumped into this mug. I loved Alf. You know, to quote Alf at the time, I killed me. Ornie, follow a question. I've been watching so many movies and so much TV. Is there anywhere Ernest doesn't go? Let's see, well. On living.

Wait, what? Nothing, no way about it. You sure tell me, is there something what happens in the future? Tell me. I can't, I get, no, no, no, no. It's too sad. So I've been laying low since I'm here and I've just been observing,

kind of mostly watching the TV, though the people are watching, and also just keeping my eye out. And hopefully we can eventually figure out if the RT fact is somehow in this time period, if that's why a picture of me from this age is so important to the Dark Lord. Oh, oh, didn't younger you get your pictures taken just recently? Yeah, I think it was last week. So we must get these pictures from him, and then we must examine them.

We must cast all our sped on them, and ensure that each of your aunts has one in their wallet Although some of them in some of the pictures he's wearing a shirt is says let's 68 now Oh you one and then I think he switched outfits. So we should probably give your aunts the Non-teacher version You know this brings up an important thread. Is it on or on? Because you said, or you're an on guy, and chunk, you're an ant guy.

Well, my mom's sister is an ant. So my aunt is an ant. Does that make sense? Mm. Yeah. Yeah. So for me, specifically, it's ants, but that's me referring to my aunt.

Hmm. I'll follow a question. Do you want to drink me? Hmm. I can't. I can't and I can't and I won't. Wasn't I follow the threat of this word play too far because it'll get dicey. Now, I just wanted to know, from either of you, if you have all the insurance that you need,

in case anything ever goes wrong in your lives, You know, it's always important to have enough coverage to make sure in case, you know, you don't want to take care of your loved ones, should your life come to an end unexpectedly? It's not a plan to think about. But you're being, you're being almost like a really good neighbor. Like, I feel like in your hands, I feel very safe. I would love some more insurance. Okay. Mostly insurance is from Arnie that we can somehow get back home to Fune. Now of course we heard about the Renaissance fare from Julie Andrews, but who knows if there's going to be a portal open there. So Arnie can I have insurances from you that we'll be able to get back to Fune?

Ah sure, yeah we will. Oh great, yeah. I'm sure. Okay great. All the insurance is the thing, the first step is you got to take a magic drink. Yes, I'll do it. I'll take a magic drink. No, you sir, don't fall for it. What do you mean? What? You want to put your fucking lips to his rim?

It's not sexual. It's not sexual. How many times do I have to say it? It's not sexual. I've done worse here. Let me just take a drink. Use it or... Junk!

Ah. Future me with a consciousness inside my Use it, or... chunk! Ah. Future me with a consciousness inside my alphmug. Yes, easily discernible, young Arani. What-what does it think you want? I was just looking out the window, and there's something real weird going on with the- at the neighbor's house. Here, let me see.

Let me get over there. That is weird. Yeah, it looks like- it looks like he's carrying a body and putting it into the trunk of his car. Whoa. You call that a trunk? Wow.

It's so cool learning so much Earth stuff. Finally, everything I want to know about Earth is answered trunk. Trunk rhymes with chunk. Ooh. Hmm, trunk please. You got a lot of chunk in that trunk. And I'm also drunk. So you guys say that in the future,

we've done hundreds of episodes of this? Yeah, just like this. The podcast is what we call sustainable. Guys, you know, since you've been here, you keep telling me that I need to put myself out there more and I need to be braver and I need to have adventures and I should not be scared of everything. You know what? You're right. And I'm going to practice. It looks like the neighbor, it looks

like he's driving away. I'm going to go figure out if he's a murderer. I'm going to go across the street and sneak into his house. Yeah, good idea. But before you do that, do you have enough insurance? What? I mean, I'm sure I'm covered on my parents' plan. Right, but your parents did they think to pay enough for you in case you were to die before your time? How would you take care of your parents once you passed away? How? Do they have to pay for your funeral expenses all in their own?

I gotta get out of this house. I'm running across this street. This is where it's wild that every single state here on Earth has a farm where they grow insurance. It is very strange. You'd think they would just be able to write up some papers. I don't know why they make everything so difficult here. Hmm. But, chunk, what we should do is follow the other awning

across the street and see if he needs our assistance over at the neighbor's house. Quickly grab the tape recorder and let's go! Yunk! Don't forget me! don't forget me, the mug! Oh, grab, grab the mug, grab. Wow, I could run so fast when I was younger. Here, now, we're at the front door. How shall we get in?

I know, I'll turn the windows into snakes. And a, to the corner, to the corner. I know I'll turn the windows into snakes I don't know now there's snakes everywhere. Yes, but we can climb right through the windows. Why do have to be windows? Yeah, just got here trunk. I'll just push you through this window Yeah, and I'll just throw this mug through as hard as I can Oh, oh Yikes crack kills. Arnie, muggy, yokey? Ah, I really felt that.

And then of course, I'll levitate myself through. You sit or chunk, future me with my consciousness in an alphamug. You guys came over here too? We can just call him Old Arnie. It's just easier to just say Old Arnie. I vote against Old Arnie. I'm sorry, young Arnie. What were you asking us? No, I snuck in here a couple of seconds before you guys did.

And then I realized I had to use the restroom so I went in and I used the restroom. And now you guys came in here. Why are there so many snakes everywhere? Uh, the geese of access. Global warming. And now you guys came in here. Why are there so many snakes everywhere? Uh, the ease of access? Global warming? Oh, and thank you for bringing my tape recorder with me. Oh, this might be the best episode of the Arnie Neckam show ever. Arnie, breaking and entering.

There's so much action in this episode. I can't believe we're getting so much done. This is bonkers. You get this out of your system pretty early on. Could this tape be considered evidence? Absolutely. Let's burn this place down. Wait, what's that sound? It sounds like there's a car pulling back into the driveway. Quickly, I'll turn all the snakes back into the glass panes. They're all over the floor so now there's just glass everywhere shit hide hide Okay, here Arnie young Arnie put this Hey coat over you Arnie the mug old Arnie. I'm gonna put this lampshade on top of the mug And then I'm just gonna pose like I'm a statue very good and here you start put this apple in your mouth and lay down in this Silver tray and Perfect, I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom because I gotta go a little bit more.

Dabbing with my errand, helping myself back into my home. Dear, seems one of those flash hurricanes has neatly knocked the windows out of the panes. Luckily the windows have fallen onto the floor without shattering. That is why you buy double glazed every time. Hmm. Quick inventory of the apartment. Yes, yes, I can see my roast pig is there waiting on the ladder. I leave it with the- Harder.

A whole cartoonishly placed in its mouth. Ah, my beloved skunk statue is there. He's buying it. Right in the middle of the room where I always leave it. Bathroom door, slightly ajar, yes. Everything in place, another normal day here at my house. You said or, you said or. Yeah, yes. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I just want to verbally fucking dismantle him.

It seems like now that's our chance to do that. Hmm. But I don't know what to say, and I'm a little afraid. I'm afraid too. I don't want to- I don't want to- I don't want to get his focus on me if I fail to verbally dismantle him. No, now that I've taken some time looking out the window and not listening to anything happening in the room with me That the sound of human peeing already quick start shitting Okay, this is how you learn that origin. That's the origin. It starts. It's my fault There's something about this that kind of works

Whoever is in my laboratory show yourself. I know that I'm not using it right now because I'm out here not Excreting anything you have one chance to make yourself know I was pissing in the lab late one night Oh, hey, oh my my gosh I'm so sorry I just realized this isn't my house. Oh my goodness it's my easily discernible child neighbor. Ha yeah yeah I guess our house is right across the street from each other and I must have came home from school and taken a left instead of a right. And uh, just came in here, I'm so sorry.

Well, okay, I'm gonna get going though. Nice to see you unless you want to confess to any crimes while I'm on my way out the door. Not so fast. I can tell the look of a snooping child. Don't you see, I'm just another kindly old neighbor, which I'm sure must spark the imagination of young adventurous boys, such as yourself. But as you can see, I'm nothing but a gentle, soft, old soul, just biting his time alone in this house.

Home alone, that's me, just by myself. But to be honest, I've wanted to make your acquaintance for some time as you seem like such an adventurous and engaging young type. Oh, you said or when he said home alone, he picked up that big red shovel. I think he's gonna kill Arnie. Oh no. We haven't done anything to prepare for the wet bandit's either. Well, as much as I'd love to stay here

and learn more about how your soul gets soft as you get older, you know, I think my parents might worry about me. And I'll, I definitely told them that I came over here on accident. So if anything happens to me, they would know. Not that anything would happen to me. All right. All right, You saw through the disguise.

Everyone knows that Arnie's parents won't notice if he's missing. We might as well just speak up now. Pig, I killed you too quickly the first time. The- the whole time, hand. I say to thee, I am no pig. I am usador, Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minimum of Light, Honour of Magical Dlytes, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus, The elves Nomi is Fienya, The dwarves Nomi is Zoning in Hukestenges,

And I am known in the North East as Gaspwaneus Mastar, And there may be other secret names, back on my homeworld of Fun, That would dazzle and delight all that do hear it. Having heard that for the first time, I hope I never hear that again. And let me unfreeze and come out of hiding from behind this big scum statue. Hello, I was just inside your house because I was looking for this Mancala game. First of all, where is my roast pig? What are the three of you...

So you broke into my house? I'm nothing but a kindly old neighbor, as far as you can tell, and just started rifling through my things. Wait, what was it that Arnie said will calm anyone from the Midwest? Hey, buddy, you wanna play some Euchar? To be honest, this old man, as far as you know, has been so lonely in this house by myself

I'd love nothing more than a game of Yuka, especially since I've been waiting all this time for someone to come to my house and explain the rules to me. Oh, oh good. Well, let's start. You're doubly in luck because when you have this many home intruders and glass strewn about everywhere, isn't what you really need more insurance? The glass was in fine shape before you three started walking all over it. Oh, no. Do you have insurance that would stop that?

People coming in your house, not stealing from you, but just more taking up a lot of time and making a mess in front of you? Yeah, I've got that. I take a lot of liberties with the policies that I write. I just kind of write in whatever I want. And then I set a price that I think is fair. So whatever you want to cover, we can cover. Oh man, I don't want to play a card game, but by a high law, if four people are together in a room together, they have to play Yuka. I mean, we can play Speed Yuka.

I think there's a version of it. I've never played it myself, and I've been so excited to. Quickly, a game of Yuka, let us play. Great, so I think what we do is we all position ourselves in different corners of the house, and everybody grabs a piece of carpet from the floor. You are moving around the house if you could stay away from that one piece of equipment. I realize at a distance it might look something like a human body. I keep a sheet over it to keep it clean. If you could avoid that, I'd be much appreciative.

Oh my gosh. I'm really not observant. How did I not see this until he totally pointed out that it's here? It's like in the middle of the room. Are we sure that's not just a stretch arm strong? No, the stretch arm strong is over there. That delightful toy that you, it's quite malleable and you've Bend it into all sorts of exciting positions. So that's up on my shelf. Oh no. Chunk. Chunk while we go to the separate sides of the room to play Yuka.

You peek under the sack and see if it's a human body. I'm going to my side of the room to play Yuka. You peek under the sack and see it with its human body. I'm going to my side of the room now. Here I go. Normally, it's not such a travel arc to make it to the corner of the room, but you can drag this out as long as you'd want to. Here's a traveling song on my way to the corner of the room so far away from everyone. Yep, it's a body!

Body, we got a body, dead body! Uuuh! Um, ha, ha, ha! Sir, I just forgot we have to run because we love the stove on. Alright, I can tell there's something of an elephant in the room and it's probably the thing that looks like a dead body I might as well Soothe your nerves by telling you that's simply a human Golem that I've been growing in this house. So let's calm down everybody

It's not an actual person that lived here or that you would know that that has a social security number It's just a little thing. I've been working on for fun. How have you been killing me just growing it? That seems fine. A golem? Like from the Ralph Bakshi movies? No. I believe someday a plucky young filmmaker named Peter Jackson is going to make a much better version long from now. He's doing like gross out horror stuff these days, but I've got a good feeling.

The director of Dead Alive? The very same. I will see, don't fucking count on it. Oh, would you like to make a friendly wait-your-over if Peter Jackson someday will adapt the Lord of the Rings to her, Ligi? Yes. I wager you $500, which in future money will be about $50,000, that Peter Jackson will never direct again. I take you up on that bet. And shit. And, haha, I got you up on that bet. And shit.

And, haha, I got his hand behind his back. Quick, somebody tackle him. Here's my traveling song to do a tackle what they reach the other side of the room. Ah, this guy's strong, he's not going down. You left my other hand free, I mean I'm doing all kinds of things with it. Like you announced that you only had one of them, so there's another. And maybe more that you don't know about.

Ernie, he's old and he's strong, quick, do something. Take him in the arms. Just watching this whole confrontation, and I'm not helping in any way. I know your friends. I mean, your friends just gave you a blank check. Do something. You can interpret that however you want to. I've got his legs. There's one on free. Ernie, that arms for you. Yes, come out the one on, Ernie. See what it's capable of. Oh no, that sounds terrible. He's running back in the bathroom. And he's peeing again. Arnie get out of there.

It's not just me. That is the pee from earlier, which nicely closes the loop on an early theory I was running. Okay, let me let your hand go, and uh, my friend, you just won Yuker, that's how it's played. Oh, good game, everyone. You bought it, guys, you bought it. Arnie, is that how you play Yuker? Uh, I can't believe I'm playing's played. Oh, good game, everyone. You bought it, guys, you bought it. Alright, is that how you play Yooker?

Uh, I think so. I always start to phase out when we start playing Yooker. I know there's like a point system. Now that the game is over, I must confront you. It appears that perhaps you have either created this body, which is fine. Or that you've killed someone, which is not fine, and justice must be served. There's only one way to find out. I can tell you this is not a complete human body. I was running some tests as instructed by a higher authority. Please, it does not have a complete

human brain. It's going to say some things that are really upsetting and also that don't make a hell of a lot of sense. I strongly encourage you to not infuse this thing with life. I believe as your local insurance salesman is my duty to infuse it with life. It's true. Insurance salesmen are given a broadly way of their powers around this world. It's final warning. I don't know what you're capable of. I can tell you it's going to be awful if you bring this thing back to life. Oh sorry, sorry to interrupt. Sir, oh, why? Bloodshaker just got real low. Do you happen to have a tiny Deborah or maybe a fruit topia?

Oh, yes. Um, I keep a bowl of sweets right by the front door, for once a year where I try to give them to a neighborhood children and no one ever seems to come near, even though I've seen you, Arnie, lurking just outside my doorway many times. Yes, Candy, once a year, I'm familiar with Arbor Day. Let me just go grab something you can. Yes, nothing helps the trees grow strong and true than the big dose of sugar. If you grab that big one right at the very top of the pile,

Sir, I think you'll find it feels a lot like payday. Ooh, a Kit Kat. So, aren't you been spying on this perfectly Aneable gentleman for a long time now? Well, ever since I watched the burbs, I just got in my head that something bad could be happening in my neighborhood. And it just seemed like there was a lot of mysterious comings and goings happening here. And I don't know.

It appears he only wants to give you peanut and nougat. Yes, cannot an old man living by himself offer candy to young teens in the neighborhood without everyone creating all sorts of conspiracy theories. I do, I candy. Already got to try some of these KitKats. I assume they're short for KitKats? Ah, FoxNickers, these are great. Yes, they are. Those industrious cats always up to something. And that is why I said by eating it,

it would feel like payday. There's nothing pleases a cat more than it's getting its salary every 14 days. Ooh, and Arnie, look what I found in the fridge. A Dr. Pepper. Would you like a KittyKat or a Dr. Pepper? KittyKat or Dr. Pepper? It's fine if we go through the fridge, right? Yes, I mean, at this point you're here, you're helping yourself to whatever's nearby, go ahead. Yeah, I'm gonna go get a drink. Yes. Oh, and I see on the coffee table you have a booklet

for what's on HBO this month. Do you have HBO? It came with the apartments. I have a bunch of transmitters and things in the attic. It wouldn't interest any of you But among the many things I pick up are a home box office This new experiment in televised entertainment. I'm such a huge fan of dream on and its occasional breasts Ooh Arnie, didn't you say HBO is like the one thing that you want to watch next to Skinne Max?

Is that what it's called Skinne Max? It might as well be, and I know that older Arnie definitely told us that he likes Brian Bedben. Who does it like Brian Benben? In fact, I would like to make a reverse bet with you, Tiny Creature, that Brian Benben will have a long and storied career. Yeah, I saw that fix, I know what you're talking about. Good. I'm glad we're all aware of what I'm discussing. Wait, am I thinking of the right brain? No.

Oh, Sam Adams, nice. Yes, I only go for items with a strong brand presence in my refrigerator. I just want everything to have a huge campaign behind it and be very recognizable. You know what? I'm kind of having a good time. Is it alright if I go jump on your bed? Absolutely. Go, go jump. Jump until you pass out from exhaustion. Can do! To that town weird, I just been have a really good time. And if you might faint and become unconscious,

well, then that would just be an un... a side effect. You sorry? You still gonna bring that body to life? Oh yeah, I can do that. Right after this break, but here, everyone have a beer. Speaking of break, here's some kitty cat. Gimme a cat. Break me a cat. Break this by any of that cat. Let's all eat. Speaking of eating cats, is anybody want to drink me?

Oh, I forgot you were here. And so, young Arnie, I think what Alf means when he says he eats cats is that he's a big fan of kind of lingus. Does that make sense? What? I don't even know what that means, but everything you say is dirty. Oh wait, I press record again. And we're back. Arnie, take over. It's your show. Oh, uh, you know normally I like two things. You're hosting my show and trying to solve mystery so I can feel like I'm in a movie

but I gotta say jumping on that bed was awesome. Does anybody else want to try it? Yeah, I'll go do it. Let's go jump on the bed. All right, come on. We go go knock yourselves out kids It's actually that that matters has been too hard for me all these years Well based on the quality of that particular noise. It's an incoming transmission Admiral here Admiral mysterious how are things going on? They are actually a mess. I've been running those experiments trying to implant the transmitter into some sort of a... a fake human to see if that would work as far as transmitting their consciousness to a robot. Nothing is working, it's a mess and now I have some neighborhood children and animals that have broken into my house and have seen everything.

Admiral, everywhere we send you in the infinite universe, your schemes are constantly being ported by children and animals. I mean, it's my own personal curse, I guess, this magnetic personality. They know something's going on and they just want to be a part of it. Look, I know I don't have to remind you of this, but I'm going to anywhere. Say it again, just walk me through it. The key to my plan is artificial intelligence, but it doesn't exist anywhere in the infinite universe. No one has discovered it, no one can invent it. I have given you extreme latitude to explore your theory that you could somehow transmit

intelligence from a dreaming consciousness into an autonomous robot. But if you fail again on Earth, don't bother returning to Castle Creek. Look, I've been trying to implant it in these, I've been, you know, harvesting human DNA, let's not get into the details, and growing these people out of it, the only thing that's let would be to get one of these transmitters into an actual living human being. Then do it already, we're part of an evil empire, worst case scenario, you kill some people, it's fine. That would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, they're already accusing me of murder.

Well, what they're really murdering is the elasticity of my bad. You should see them going to town in there. It's like they've found zero gravity. I don't want to know about what you get up to in your own time, Admiral. Well, I will tell you this. We cracked Euker. So it's not a bad day so far. You know, what walked me through it? How does it work? Because I've been taking I need a hobby outside of my ears. Yeah, I'll send you a holographic reenactment later today. Oh, I can't wait. It's both too complicated and too exciting to waste on this call.

Tap, don't mind me, I didn't hear anything. Just walk into the kitchen and grab some more fruit topia. D-d-d-d-d. That's a talking skunk. He's addicted to brand candy. These are the people that are in my house. Alright, alright, it comes down to this. I'm going to try the final experiment, I suppose. We're going to implant this transmitter so it can send its consciousness to a working robot and see if that finally cracks the issue of artificial intelligence.

Excellent. And if you get this right, you will be welcome back to my castle with open art. I feel like we've mostly dealt with what's going on with me. How are you? Oh god, to be honest, it's been tough, aren't it? Things around time, Castle Krieger, just, I feel as though I've lost the joy of conquering planets and enslaving race. You're the fundamental. I mean, you're there all by yourself. You know, I feel like when I was there You know, we would have a few times a day where at least it wouldn't be about business I'm just worried you never you never give yourself time to kind of just just create time I know I'm sort of to think is this castle more than I need to a downgrade like a flying ranch house or a creak dominion You know, I'm so glad you said this because when you were designing it

It was like it had nothing to do with how much space you needed and how much space you thought you deserved to take up in the world. But there is a lot of that castle. There are wings you have not been in in years. It's true. Sometimes I find enemies that have just been running around in these wings that I totally forgot to kill. And, you know, at that point, I mean, if they're cleaning their parts of the castle that they're living in, maybe let them keep going, but sounds like too late for that idea. Also, this rash won't go against the rash won't. If you're gonna keep picking at it, it's gonna keep coming back. We've talked about this.

I need to win, I do what I want. Sorry, mysterious neighbor, just walking back through, back to your bed to jump. Oh, looks like Garnie left his recorder here. Let me just grab that and take it into the room with me. Do do do do. Hey guys, I'm back. Let's jump on the bed to jump. Oh, looks like Garnie left his recorder here. Let me just grab that and take it into the room with me. Do-do-do. Hey guys, I'm back. Let's jump on the bed some more. Yeah! Oh, yeah, we got to get some money. Yeah! Jumping on a bed. Yeah!

Yeah! Jumping on a bed. Jumping on a bed. Jumping on a bed. Oh, yeah! Oh, fuck, look at the quarter! The mysterious neighbor has a light bright! Whoa, he must be loaded. Arnie we gotta steal this.

And he has so many of those black sheets of paper you have to put over the top. He doesn't even have to reuse ones when he puts a new light bright designs in. He must be worth $1,000, which is a million dollars in 2020. Wow, yeah, in 2020. This is an incredible device.

How did you come across that piece of a qu- that shouldn't be that lit up. That register is discrepancies in the space time through line. I've never seen it light up like this before. Oh, well, I'm sure that space time is totally normal. Uh, if not, I'd be filling out all sorts of claims. Fair enough. Fair enough, it does bring a lot of insurance issues with it.

Hey, mysterious neighbor. Um, do you mind taking this tape recorder that's definitely off and taking it into the room with you? When you do whatever you do next? Absolutely. That sounds like a fair bargain. I'll leave you here to just Viserate my bed while I bring this back into the other room have fun kids back to the bed Anyway, I could go on an on all day about my Pre-lapse issues, but I better let you get back to it

So just I'm up for the human consciousness in a way bottle. I have to say, you're saying you've gone on about your prolapse issues. Really, you just got into it and you're leaving a lot of things just hanging out there. But we could get into that later. Tell me about it, hanging out there is right. Yeah, I walked right into that one. All right, end transmission, I'll do what I can. Break out! Oh, pardon me, mysterious neighbor. I was going to try to animate that strange corpse-growing thing, you had.

Is it alright if I still try to do that? Alright. Can you keep a secret? Yes, I love secrets. You may think I'm just a lonely, elderly man living across the street from an imaginative child, waiting to have some sort of a redemption arc about not being so scary after all and needing friends just like everyone else.

I know that's exactly what I think. Well, then as that kindly old man on his redemption arc, rather than add any new information about me, I'll simply say, please don't bring that human looking figure back to life. It was a poor, crazy old man's attempt to bring back his missing wife by growing her in the basement, and it will only add to my pain. Yeah, how's that sound? I understand, and I, as an elderly gentleman, living with a young boy next door to you and

selling insurance, you know that classic trope too. I totally understand where you're coming from, so I'm going to honor your wishes and not try to bring it back to life. Thank you. It's so nice to meet another elderly human male with no secrets to keep, to just meet each other face to face and speak honestly. Yes, it's very rewarding to speak to another elderly person, clearly from this planet, who has every intent of acting normal.

I have one more little issue to ask you about. Oh sure. I have to admit, I mean you live with Arnie, so clearly you know him, right? I worry about him so much. And I do, you know, children these days. I mean, we're just getting into the concept of stranger danger, I feel like, you know,

neighborhoods aren't as safe as they used to be. If there were some sort of location device that we could implant under his skin. Just to keep track of him, don't you think that would bring both of us a lot of peace of mind? Most certainly, for if there was such a device implanted in Oni, then we would never lose him and what could be more important than that? Why my sweet most beloved best friend in the entire world, right after Apparel fuels, would have to be Arnie, and then only slightly behind that chunk,

and then I suppose, well, they actually kind of flip back and forth sometimes, because Arnie can really piss me off sometimes. It really gets under my skin, gets real nitpicky about things that I say, even though all I'm trying to do is save everyone in the entire universe by making sure they have the proper coverage. But I ensure you that if there was such a device,

I would absolutely be behind you in this attempt to implant it inside of Arnie. Well, guys, guys, guys. Oh, guys, well, I'll wait. So, sorry, there's a bit of an emergency. Young Arnie, a little Arnie. What do we call him now? Lark little Arnie and he hit his head on the on the corner of the bed He fell off and he cut open his head. It's just like a tiny little cut and he knocked himself out

Oh, no, I'll get the claim for them So you say he's come he's unconscious with a small cut that isn't bleeding very much not enough to cause concern But a small cut in his head. Yeah, just like a little opening exit is temple, it's not too severe, buddy, it's knocked out. I am going to grab this little glowing metal thing from the bottom of my candy jar, a bowl, and join you in the bedroom. Is that a worthers? We're gonna need a 70, and an M28. We gotta fill out these forms quickly to the bedroom. Aren't Arnie buddy?

Little, little, little Arnie? Hey champ buddy, you took a spell. You, you, you jumped too hard on the bed. You were doing, you won jumping. You were so good buddy, you were so good. But you, you, you hit your head. I've said so many times I need to file down those huge blunch sculpture objects on each corner of my

bed. And it's always tomorrow and now I'm really kicking myself. Steve Gutenberg, what? What? The actor? Tackleberry. Oh, he's talking of Steven Gutenberg's celebrated character from the police academy canon. Yes, he's having another one of his police academy dreams. Well, he must be absolutely out of his mind, because Gutenberg doesn't play Takobari. He plays Mahoney? No. Is he Mahoney?

What's his name? Officer Mahoney. Kazurinsky. Yes, he's connecting the dots for us. Takobari is indeed played by beloved character actor Tim Kazurinsky. Wait a minute. No, he isn't. No one knows who the name of the actors who played Takobari. He's just the big tall guy.

You are not really from Earth. I'm going to venture that neither are you. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Very well then.

So we are found out. Here, Arnie, take this M28 form and fill it out and triplicate and send it into your insurance agent. And now you, odd neighbor, prepare to face the wrath of Yusunor. Michael wins, though. Good one. I would be happy to face off against you right after I put this device into the cut in Arnie's head. What? Pushed a little too hard.

I think he just vomited. You are planting a tracker inside my friend and you tried to get me on your side. And now I'm not certain if I trust you or not. For what purpose do you wish to track my friend? Look, there's a whole thing going on. I can tell you it's not going to bring him any harm. I believe you trust in science, and therefore you will allow me to continue with this experiment. Science is horse shit, and magic is everything.

Look, if this is going to be about pushing Catholicism on me, I'm not going to listen to it. Let's agree that they both have their place in this grand, vast, complicated universe. Hey guys, this is crazy. I must have hit my head and I woke up in the basement. Oh, it's Arnie. It's another Arnie. Sweet cosmos, it's working. What? Why is everybody looking at me? You're some sort of strange robotic version of yourself. I'm not a r-r'm a great and powerful wizard of the land of food. And this is my loyal companion, Chunt the Badger. And this mug right here that I grabbed on the way back through the living room is my

good friend Arnie and you in the future. Hold on. His name is Chunk. You're an imposter. Who know who me? I'm not an imposter and I'm definitely not a robot. If I was a robot I'd keep saying, please don't kill me, please don't kill me, which I'm not. He makes a good point.

But don't you see? He's not a robot. He's a robot carrying the consciousness of the unconscious child on the floor. Uh, wait. Why am I laying on the floor? I see myself. I see myself. Is that what I look like? From the back? What? Now? Gonna have body issues. Arnie, you've done it. You've gone full, weird-out parody song. I think you're a clone now.

That's it. Whatever this experiment is, it ends here and now. You mysterious person. Put down whatever device you hold in your hand and make sure that you do a hand-over over all manner of device that may have caused some harm to my friend. Yeah, don't move, dirtbag. Pretty strong language for an old man and a talking animal. You're not going to threaten me in any sort of way. In fact, I know now why my device meant that monitors time-space discrepancies is lit up like a Christmas tree.

You're not supposed to be here at all. Luckily, I have the technology in place to send you back to wherever you came from. What? The old guy from Punky Brewster. Oh, aren't you bloody? I mean, if he can't even remember the name of the person, I'm not really going to attribute a lot of weight to that. No. This experiment is now a success. As you can see here, just going to seal up the wound with this skin-hytening device that I have in the camera.

That's gum. That's just gum. Yes, I'm going to slap it over the wound. As you see, the skin is now reforming over all of it. Arnie's hair is growing back to cover it. Nothing will get that device out of him. Oh, no the last thing the show needs is a heightening device. Even though you have healed my friend's head, and even though my friend couldn't remember the actor who played Commodont LaSaud, I shall still take my revenge upon you. Oh great, great, why don't

you get a little spell ready, and I'll get get my device ready and we'll see which works better magic or science Okay, I'm gonna get my spell ready Oh no gone before he could do the whole name title thing again Well now they've returned to wherever they need to be which means all we need to do is take care of this. I'm gonna say 50-something consciousness in this mug? Oh, I didn't know what you knew I was in here. I mean, it's been pretty obvious there's some sort of a weird inhuman glowing coming from inside the Alph Mug. So, I had my theories.

Yeah, you got me dead to rights. So you know what? Okay, go ahead, drink me. All right. If you need to, I won't stop you. If you need to drink me, go right ahead. Okay, hang on, I'm getting a read out here from this thing. It says drinking you has nothing to do with sending you back to your proper timeframe. So before I do that, I'm going to wish you, I don't know, happy 58th recent birthday,

and now I'm going to send you back to the future! I killed him! Huh... Well, uh, uh, what happened? Oh, I had this strangest dream. Robot, back to the basement. You did? You did? What a long dream you've been having all this time. But now you're awake and you're fine, young Arnie.

I feel really groggy, and frankly, I'm having a hard time remembering... ...the last couple of weeks. I know that sounds convenient, but it's just something I'm feeling right now. Okay, all of that is fine. There is no need to tell anyone else that you came to after being unconscious in my house feeling braggie. We don't need to ever say those words again. Right. I guess so. I'm gonna go back to my house. Sorry, I guess I broke into your house. It's absolutely fine. you're a curious child. Arnie, I feel we may never see each other again.

So go back out of here, go home, live your life, and thank you for this brief friendship of ours that I don't think you'll ever remember. But before I go, can you tell me one thing? Tell me, did we both learn important lessons about life? I learned to get better locks for my doors to get even stronger windows. I mean, it sounds like you haven't learned anything

from this experience. Hmm, I guess I learned not to go into other people's houses. Basically, if there's a chance of an adventure, I should stay where I am, don, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the road. All right, well, thank you, strange old man. I can tell you, a part of me will always be with you now. No matter where you go, I'll be there in a non-creepy way. Yeah, I'm not. Just so you don't tell anybody that part.

Fair enough, fair enough, you're right, you're right, you're right. Right, even though it's halfway through, I was like, this is a weird avenue. Let's keep that between us. All right, gotta're right, you're right, right, right. Even though it's halfway through, I was like, this is a weird avenue. Let's keep that between us. All right, gotta go, bye. Bye. Oh wait, I almost forgot my tape recorder, bye. Bye.

My rope's to cake out here in the hedges. It's a story for another time. Well, of all the reveals, it turns out I was the friends we made along the way. I had forgotten about that entire artificial intelligence experiment, leading me to the greatest lesson of all. If you haunt Wild Pig with an anti-gravity gun, there may be residual drifting after the roasting process. You've been listening to an unexpectedly captivating episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk, the cool skunk, was played by Adolfie. The charismatic neighbor who never expected to be part of this recording was played by... oh god a god normally had make up some sort of fake name

Timothy Sn... Sn... Now that's too stupid. No one would believe that. The neighbor was played by voiceover artist Christopher Dazzles The intergalactic emperor the neighbor was talking to was played by... Uh, let's say Stephanie van der Georgie kind of choked at the end. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffai, post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas.

This episode edited by Sage GC. Special assistance provided by Ryan D. Georgie, no relation. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Levan. Special 1989 theme music by Andy Poland. Well, with this run of 1989 episodes having come to include myself, I can't imagine how they would heighten further. But there's always the chance of a slow dwindling of quality until viewers literally beg for it to end. Speaking of which, I really should check out season 3 of the newsroom. Oh, Mr. Daniels, lecture me like I'm a social media savvy little

naughty boy.