Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 7 - Sea Witch (w/ Sarah Haskins)

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

A sea witch appears on deck.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCalarion the Sea Witch: Sarah Haskins Mysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSea Shanty Theme: Arne ParrottSeven Dragons and a Baby Cover: Savants of SoulYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you've never seen a podcast before, that's okay. This is everything you need to know. About four and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, food the dimensional rift, and somehow magically, maybe radiating from my own body, as we travel all over fune.

I used that Wi-Fi to upload a podcast. I record chronicling our adventures around food. Did I call it food? You did, you called it food. Ooh, someone's hungry. I am hungry. We're back at sea, we're traveling. Back at USS Stephanie.

We're on this rickety old boat that I love. And I will say you've barf several times, so maybe that's why you're hungry. I barf several times, and I'm realizing I haven't had any kind of fruit. It probably in like seven or eight years. So I might have scurvy. I might have scurvy.

Oh, you had scurvy long before we were on the stage. Are you ready to say something? I might be in the final stage of scurvy. Yes. I'm gonna say something. There's nothing wrong with a scurvy man. That's true, thank you. I love your scurvy.

I love you scurvy. I love you scurvy. I love you scurvy. I love you scurvy. Yeah, okay, great. Own those scurvy. Anyway, I, great. Own those scurves. Anyway, I am joined by my co-hosts and I guess like we're on a ship,

are we co, we're not co-captains, although comates. Comates, boatmates, shipmates. Can we just go with comates? I'm with these shipheads. Ooh, comates. Look, there's no wrong answers here, but let's not go with what Chunt said. What could...

I feel like... Usually I would imagine the first thing said is the right thing, but I feel like that's never the case when I say it. Anyway, I am joined by my good buds. We're back at sea. Chunt the talking badger. Shipbong. And Yusur or the Wizard?

I am Yusur. Wizard of the twelfth red elm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos. I should have said boat-bomb. Champion of the Great Holes of Rums. Or Bingboat. The old Snoomiya Sfiangyalak. The dwarves noomiya SONINONO STANGES!

And I know to the northeast's guessmaidius meister. And there may be other secret names. Name so powerful, that I was heir to utter them aloud. The very foundations of every mountain in Foon would come crumbling down. Mountains would become hills. Hills would become steep inclines,

and steep inclines would be very easy to walk across. Can I say I heard a seagull the other day call you Cory Orman? Really? Oh, I don't know that one. I love what I have secret names I don't know. Yeah, and it's funny. I'll look like you. I know.

It's funny also that I never know if it's a secret name or if it's a mistaken identity. Like he could just look like a Cory Orman. You do look like a Cory Orman. I look like a Cory Orman. Yeah, you kind of look like a Cory Orman. And to be fair, you were rowing, even though this ship has a sail, you were rowing. Well, it's just a good workout.

I like to stay in shape, I like to take care of my body, even though it's a temporary home for this angelic form that has come to fune to defeat evil and destroy badness wherever it affraes its ugly head. For new listeners, he's a wizard, and there are all kinds of weird magical bullshit rules about like who he is. I am an angelic being called forth by the birds, the rain, the wind, and the fire, to defeat evil and fight the dark lord at every opportunity. Wait, can we just go around and all say our name and then our bullshit rules?

Uh, okay, sure. Also, I hope you guys out mine, I carved into the side of the boat, bullshit rules. Is that okay? Well, you'd be dept, clear that was Stephanie, not me. I think you're acting out, but, alright. Sorry, I'm sorry. Um, so my name is Chant, and I'm a shapeshifter. I'm typically in the form of a badger, but recently I found out because of my exploded ex-husband, he died on the wedding floor, dance floor, that I can shapeshift into anything I want,

but I still kind of maintain badger markings and fur. I have a large egg. I call my eggie baby Pretty straightforward. Yeah, you can change into anything But with a badger markings you look like what if a cow was Rorschach and I already want you say your name in the bullshit Okay, well, I'm Arnie Neekamp If you've known this in the podcast before about four and a half years ago I fell through a dimensional port of line to Burger King in Chicago. It's the one of the intersection of Irving Park

and Clark into the magical land of Foon. That's kind of about it. I host this podcast. I'm pretty sure it's gonna save all of Foon and Earth. You do have some other bullshit rules though. Yeah, you shit standing up. I mean, it's not a wrong rule. It's more a choice than a rule

Okay, you know what I mean. I'm not gonna constrain myself with that one. You're bad at math. I am bad at math I must have some more bullshit rules to you so you have so many bullshit rules wait You know we should go over the bullshit rules of the ship. Oh, yeah on a ship. There's a lot of rules Yeah, it's so hardcore rules that it's almost law. Yeah, right? It's like I'm trying to have a merry time and it's like there's some sort of like log against everything some sort of merry time law Yeah, well, I'm trying to have a merry time, but then there's a lot against it Oh, I see but I will say I love these bears the ship is almost entirely crude by bears Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I've gotten to know some of them usually I'll pop into a bear form just to put them at ease, but there's

Codaroi who we've heard a little bit about the bartender. Yeah, Frederick Lacey Bug. There's Jeffrey who likes to be called Jeffy. Treadwell. You like to be called Jeffy? He likes to be called Jeffy. Yeah, or at least I can't tell. Yeah, it seems like he's... Here's my question about the bear names. Like they don't speak anything resembling English to me, like they always roar. So like how do you translate that into Lacey? So one of your other bullshit rules then is you don't listen to bears. I do listen. I just don't understand. But do you care? No. Okay. That's not my job. My job as a podcast host is to listen to know when people are done talking to then

launch into the shit you wanted to say. Yeah, exactly. Listen to respond. Don't listen to understand. That's your bag. I will say just, just so we're all on the same page and careful. Bug the bear bug. The bug bear?

The bug bear. Um, he, he doesn't talk. He's the one bear that doesn't talk, but he does comically arise from different parts of the ship. So if you see like, if you see like a barrel, if you see like a barrel marked apples, you might hear like a comic like, and then just see a head peek out and turn around and then pop back down or like under the floorboards are great. So just know. At any time Bug could pop out. If he just said it, hold on.

Is he trying to steal my pickin'ic basket? I don't know. But I have many delicious treats inside of my pickin'ic basket. I don't know, but he does wear a tie. He does wear just a collar and a tie. He had a full suit. Well, I guess the wind ripped off all of it, but the collar at the tie. He feed off the tear to steal the picnic basket of a wizard. He shall meet with mine wrath.

I'm just worried that he's going to ascend and descend close to the podcast. We won't know it and people are thinking that we've introduced a slide whistle in this show. Now, is that a terrible idea? I think it's a good idea. I mean, we should have more slide whistles. I think a lot of our ideas on the show are both. Can we introduce a new rule on the ship, you rules? New rules, yes. That's a clock.

Now, what I would like to know. I could barely, like, get any joy out of sight. Very understandable. Now, can we get rid of these stinky piles of moss that I keep seeing on the ship? Like this one right here? Oh, that lump of rags over there? Yes, I mean, I just keep seeing stinky piles of moss.

I think it's just throwmovable, if we see them. I will say it looks like the lump of rags are staring at us. What? Huh? Come here, though. What about Rags of Stereo? What? Huh? Come here, though.

Whoa? Away to my aisle of the sea. What do you want? I want my cellphone on or something. Oh, wait. Away to my aisle of the sea. This pile of malls is singing to us. Hello.

Hello. Three comedy gents, Irrin. Oh, it's being overly kind. and also singing to us. Hello. Hello. Three, calmly gentle rain. Oh, speaking, overly kind. And your voice is carried across the water, so I arrive to meet you. Can I buy you a drink? Oh, well, certainly, yes.

We drink for free. I think this moss is into us. I'd love to buy you a drink, and then your ship will gently crash into the rocks. Oh, well we do not crash into the rocks but we'll take that draze. He's a street shooter, I appreciate that. Yes, careful, she said the seawort. Crash, crash. That's a bad, like, merry time law, you gotta watch out for the seawort.

Very bad one. Mystical pile of moss. Declare thy name so that I may address thee directly. Three calmly gentlemen! I am chalery. The sea which of the Northern Isles and I'd love to buy you a drink and have just casual chit-chat-kit to know each other before your ship crashes into the rocks and you live a life with me. One of you.

Two of you will die. Oh. Arnie, what a great guest. It's a pretty good offer. She wants to have a drink. Collarian, it is a pleasure to have you here. What we are doing here is a podcast. It is a mystical transmission that finds its way to other realms where people

hear our voices. So speak directly into this microphone and let us know the better. Are you guys have to listen to this? I shall speak directly into this. I've had a very sheltered life. It's exciting. Sheltered in terms of you living a cave? Yes. Exactly. Right on the, so no rain falling on you? No, it's always misty. So I think accounts for. Oh, so you go by misty?

Collarian to anyone, but it's always misty. No, the weather's misty. Yes, my name is Collarian, but that's why my hair gets frizzy. Well, I think you're a very lovely hair. Thank you. It is moss of a thousand years. Oh, wow. It does not look that old of moss. Oh thank you for my type, my, this is young.

Oh that's fantastic. This is natural green. Some green in it, this is just green. And I'm so sorry that I thought that you were just moss and a pile of dirty rags. You're clearly like a mossy sea hag. Yes, thank you. I appear as a pile of moss and rags when I have transported myself across the water

to a ship to crash it upon the rocks and finally find my one true love. Oh, how exciting, now fun for you. Now, Clarean, I must ask, right out of the gate, I'm sure you get asked this all the time, so I'm very sorry. I barely talked to anyone except my mother so this is so exciting. Oh you live with your mother? Yes my mother, Collariancy which the first, I'm a junior. Oh you're a junior. So that's nice.

But people call your mom Collarian the first? Yes. They just knew from the start. So before she had kids it was still Collarian the first? Yes. Okay. Do they call your mom Misty? They don't call my mom Mist, no one gets bothered. That's just the weather. No they just call the wind? Yes. Okay. Do they call your mom misty? They don't call my mom mist. No one

gets called... No, they just call the wind Mariah. That is the one thing you need to remember, is if there's anyone called anything, the wind is Mariah and she's real. I've heard the wind call Mary, but never Mariah. Mariah. Then she shows up. The original question I intended to ask you is that I believe you would be asked all the time if you have very interacted with anyone is what differentiates a sea which from a siren. That's a wonderful question very good sirens. Lermen only to their deaths. We lure them for the purposes of procreating and maintaining our species.

So you lure them to life? Yes, to a better life of enchantment as an enchanted husband. And then we have other responsibilities. Sirens have no responsibilities. Oh, learn. Yes, we have work with the winds, the tides, the water, the crackings, all the monsters. We're sort of in charge, we read them. Oh, that's wonderful work.

Well, it seems like two of us are doomed and one of us Is meant to marry this sea witch. So who should I can I ask and? I am a shapeshifter. Can I ask what do you look for in a partner like what to you? What's like the ideal partner great And then also like what's after that? I guess like a part two. What's like your ideal day like? It doesn't have to be like a vacation, but like you're just like a part two. What's like your ideal day? Like, it does not have to be like a vacation but like you're just like a best day. Yes, oh kind, ask me these questions about myself, which no one ever asked. I'm a very kind creature. Yes, so I'm like to pick up on that. You're leading in this in this race of husband. I mean, ideally everyone wants to have a lonely hero who you crash onto the island, a very brave man who then just can't go home that was my father

If you're looking for a lonely hero. Oh, this is this. Oh, I mean, oh, this is it. I have been unsuccessful in my quest But oh, maybe today my fortunes have changed, but so your father was a lonely hero who crashed my mother Lured him. She's very good being a sea witch She lured him onto the rocks crashed him there and then he was with her for a while when I was around six or seven they started having some problems. Sure. He didn't want to be there and he wanted to go home. Yeah. And I wasn't pleasant. You know is it like when you're six and seven you're still feral and trying to eat one of your parents. Oh, sure. So it's for us.

Am I asking too much which one of your parents were you trying to eat? I did. More of him. Yeah. Yes. So to keep him, mother transformed him into a pig. Mm-hmm. Then he ran into the sea and tried to drown himself.

But that was a mistake because that is the element we control. Right. So she brought him back, but then he did run into a fire. Oh. Can't control that element. We could not control it. So then I did, you can't. He was determined.

Yes. Oh, then you did get a unit, though. Well, he was just pig and he ran into a fire. I was going to say this is a sensitive, but it probably smelled pretty good. It's just delicious. It tastes great. Yes.

Well, it seems chunned is in the lead. So how do you want to die? No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, you're drowning and drowning. Oh it, great. Well, it seems Chant is in the lead. So how do you want to die? No, no, no, no, no, no, look. Oh, look. Drowning and drowning. Oh, that's, there's only one option to drown. That's what I sort of can do. Well, Arnie, you ready to drown yet?

The two of us have to drown if Chant wins. Well, thank you for telling you, sir, we literally just learned that you are incapable of drowning. Oh, that's your basically immortal. Oh, that's your basically immortal. Oh, the great wizard. I have her tales. Oh, yes great wizard. I have her tales.

Oh, yes, I have her tales. Oh, well, thank you. What are some of the tales you've heard about Yusador, Tee? He of them, I have heard tales of... No, I'm offering you Tee. Oh, yes, no, thank you. And oh, yes, are you all getting the whiskey? Oh, yeah.

Some, can we get... Did you see whiskey? I can also whiskey your tea. Did you want some whiskey? Oh yes, please. And specialise it. Please. Yes.

Not quite all right. Some whiskey over here to go with all whiskey. T. I don't know if that bear roar was like, it's coming right up. You have to listen with your ears. You have to care. Also, already don't move.

Bud's popping up behind you. Bugs popping up behind you. Where are you? We're back down. Now here is the thing. I cannot drown, but I will pretend to drown. I'll sit under the water for a while while Chant sets up his new life with Collarian here. Would anyone just voluntarily want to do it? Um, to marry you? I just come to that voluntarily. Well I would be delighted to you seem like a beautiful and talented young woman with many skills. But it seems like you're

kind of into the whole drowning thing, so I wanted to make that happen for you. Thank you, that is just how we are taught from our very young age that we will find our husband but I just have not been very good at it. Ship after ship has passed and I sing my song of enchantment and I apply the men with drinks and it doesn't work. You know applying men with drinks usually involves like offering them drinks instead of being like, get out your drinks. No, get out your drinks. No, get out your drinks.

Oh, I mean it works, it's working. Yeah, everything. Wait, wait, this is not how I should approach a man. Oh, I don't know. I'm so slow. Oh, should I fill water of the sea into your mouth? Oh, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, you hate to see that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noirly erotic. Look, clearing, you know, I think you seem delightful and I'm enjoying talking to you, but you know, you've had the bad luck of crawling onto a ship of three dudes with sort of like complicated love lives. You're back. Maybe complicated love records. And we're on a great quest to defeat evil. So though I did want to enable your ability to drown myself an Arnie and Marychant

We have a greater purpose. We must defeat the dark Lord. It is our God-estained duty to do so and we are off in now to Are you on the Draman Shire? We're off even now to Draman Shire Well, I see what's happening here. Oh, we're off on the quest. We don't want to dream in shy? We're off even now to dream in shy. Well, I see what's happening here. Oh, we're off on the quest. We don't want to talk to her anymore. I see what's happening here. Well, it's just that we're very busy right now.

You don't even know where you're going. We're going to dream in shy. That seems like you just made it up right this second. I never done that before. I don't know what to say. It seems like I've never done that before. Never done that before. Everything.

It seems like we're not talking to. No, we're talking to you. We're talking about ourselves We're talking about like we're on a really important quest. We're saying all on quest They all haven't been home in hundreds of years. Oh, they all got to go slay this or do that or have a sword to stick the sword and something It is fun to say it sounds like you've been cheated on. She did on. I wish I could get cheated on. I wish I could get cheated. I wish I could just capture a guzzbent. Oh, clearly, I didn't have you had what happened in your last attempt. Like, by God on the ship, I thought we were having a great time. We both were interested in a lot of things. And I both interested in a lot of things, or both interested in a lot of the same things

Well, I'm interested in everything because it's just me my mom the master caves and he me my mom the master cave Yes, my mom the master cave It's just like in this song. Yeah, oh, maybe I should Incorporate that I like to be straightforward. I'm not I'd like to tell you I'm gonna crash your ship on the rocks. I'm gonna drown your compatriots. I'm going to marry one of you. I like to be direct. Yeah. I don't like to manipulate. A lot of sea witches manipulate. They lie. They take the form of beautiful women with large breaths and teeny tiny ways and no scales. And I was like, no scales at all. You have to see me for who I am. I'm not gonna pretend to be someone.

I also really appreciate that you're very upfront about like, this is who I am, this is where I am in my life. And this is what I'm looking for. Like it's good to put that out there. Yeah, when I was in my like two thousands, I was very like, oh, I'm gonna pretend to be someone else and I'm no.

Yes, you do. If I'm gonna meet someone, it's gonna be as me. You've truly let your moss down. You're not afraid to show us your scales, even though they're doing it. If I'm gonna meet someone's gonna be as me. You've truly let your moss down Yes, not afraid to show us your scales even though they're literally on your eyeballs and your teeth Yes, well, I've never seen scales like that. It's first emerging. Ah, it makes sense makes sense And now can you excuse us for about one second clarion? I must speak to my compatriots Clarion seems like she really wants to get cheated on so here's what I know now So, Collarian seems like she really wants to get cheated on. So, here's what I can't have. No, don't.

Here's what I can't have. No! One of us begins to have a relationship with her, and then one of the other ones, a little house, so to have an affair. Ooh, and that way two of us live. And only one of us dies. Bug, bug, throw back down.

Don't, hey, don't whack him on the head. Sorry. Um, Collarian, am I saying that right? Yes, thank you. Can I ask just based on what you've heard and seen so far? Can we just play a little game in terms of like who would you ask to fuck off? Who would you like to marry? Mm-hmm. Who would you like to drown? Oh, that's self-fuck off Mary drown Wonderful. I'll take this back to my mother. We would play it forever. I guess, unfortunately, Arnie seems

the most determined to not stay, so I will have to enchanted marry him. Oh, what? Yes. This is part of, he seems determined to move on. And let me, under enchantments, that will disappear. Also, you talk about having an enchanted husband, like what is that like? Well, you will, I don't know Arnie. Yeah. Because you haven't had one. Collarian, forgive my brashness in this statement.

But perhaps your enchantments have fallen short of your previous desires. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... for a challenge and perhaps that's working against your veterans. Yes, you're searching for a challenge and also you're settling. Does that make sense? It's the same kind of both of those things. Somehow, somehow. I'm choosing Arnie. Yes, somehow you're both and making it harder on yourself. Look, I'm really complicated. See, it's that emotional aloofness that finds so appealing. What is he really thinking will I ever know? Look, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't worry about it. It's fine under and shent-mid let me paint you a picture. Okay let me let me hear it. I think that

doofness thing is a t-shirt right that yeah. Yeah I'm writing it down I'm crossing it off. Once you're under my shent-mid every day will be beautiful. You will love me. I will love you. I will claim my liar. I will apply you with drinks. We shall swim in the deepest seas. We shall ride the frighteningness of the track and Oh Go a shrimp. Oh, we shall have a We shall go a shrimp. Okay, it will be wonderful. Is that a sex thing? Yes, oh

With shrimp. Okay, is this no? You're not no, I'm just listening. Oh, okay. Fun. Is this, no, you're not being... No, no, no, I'm just listening. Oh, well, you invite the shrimp into your orifices. Uh-huh. And then you perform the act of love. Oh. And that helps, well, actually, it maintains the biodiversity of the coral reef, which is my other main concern. Oh.

Yes, yes. That's wonderful. Oh, imagine making love with shrimps inside of you as the wind whistles, braya. Well, imagine making love with shrimp's inside of you as the wind whistles. Brr-ia. Well then she'll show up. Oh, you don't want her to show up? No, if you call the wind, her sheet shows.

She could show up in any second now, who talks about her too much. Claire, can I ask you a question about your mother? Yes. So it sounds like your father emulated himself a long time ago. Why is your mother never re-enchanted? Oh, she, I have a stepfather. Oh! What happened to his name?

Doug. Is he still on the island? He's fine. He doesn't, you know, he doesn't try to be my dad and I don't think I need it. Yeah. Is he good to your mom? and I don't think I need it. Yeah. Is he good to your mom? Sure. He's fully enchanted still.

It's his not worth his way out. He's just having the, he's having the time of his life. Oh, that's true. He doesn't remember his home. He doesn't remember his quest. He's happy. Does he let you like borrow the keys? Like, if you only go swimming in the little pools

on the inland, like does he let you borrow this keys? He's very possessive about his own things, but he only has two things. Which two? He has a robe and a wooden key, and we tell him the key opens doors. He pretends, probably. Yes, he's not, but he's happy, the sense of the liar. Yeah.

They go shrimp in. They go the yeah. You can hear it sometimes, it's not pleasant. The shrimp. The one that I shrimp it. Yeah, but I was wondering if you could hear the shrimp. Shrimp are pretty quiet. Yeah, I guess that's true.

Should we take a short break and then come back and talk more to Clarean? Yeah, let's take a short break. Let's check in on those whiskeys that Corde Roy was... Yeah, and Clare, let me get to a chair. It's been so rude. Let me get you out of chair here. I want you to just sit back. What's this? Oh, oh, oh my gosh. I found this palm fron. Let me just wave this chair, it's been so rude. Let me get you out of the chair here. I want you to just sit back. What's this? Oh, oh, oh my gosh, I found this palm fron.

Let me just wave this palm fron up and down and let's see, actually it's pretty cold out here. Let me stop that. Have you never sat on a chair before? No. Oh my gosh, look in your eyes like you're being transported to another place. Hi, maybe I'll just take this chair.

Better get ready to drown. You don't need a man, get yourself a chair. Better get ready to drown. You don't need a man, get yourself a chair! That's a shirt. And we're back in here's your drink. Oh, thank you. What are you getting at? Miracle structure to rest my Huskail's upon.

Yeah, chairs are great. I've been sitting for most of the last five years. Arnie, you said, or should we mention she's sitting on a rock? Shee. No, no, no, she seems fine. She likes it. I don't want to ruin it for her. I like that you have this flat part to put your head on.

Why? Balance a Kimbo on the precipice of the top. Yeah, it seems like it would be very tense to sit on that that way, but it's relaxing for her. But it seems you would look at what we're doing. Yeah. And try to mimic that. Yet she has decided that she's a very different man.

Chant, chant, chant, chant, follow up questions. Should we tell you, Siddore, he's been sitting on his chair the wrong way? I don't think so. It's too much visual fun for all those listeners and watchers out there. Yeah. We have a YouTube channel, right? Now this is just audio. What?

I know. What? It's a real waste. Are you kidding me? We've been doing just audio. I know. Oh, why do you think I overfill? This is a thing, everything we see.

Foon, you adore me. This is a visual feast. I know. Do you know how sumptuous the, oh, oh. The sky is seven colors right now. We've done over 200 episodes and it's just audio. Yeah. What are we doing?

We have to be leaving money on the table, right? And almost everything that's appealing about you is visual. I'm so mad I'm gonna turn into 10 different animals. Ugh. See, that's a waste. You better call them out while I change. Oh, yeah. Different cow, bigger cow.

I think cow with wings. This is like fun. I'm gonna turn into some animals too. You say a huge sore, no point, no point. What do you mean? Turns out it's just audio. What? Yeah.

No one can see what we're doing, appear into our minds and hear our inner thoughts. Most of your inner thoughts, you speak out loud, What? What do you mean? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What He wants to be turned on. Wait, there's a better way to praise that. Oh, around. I'll do it. Oh, no, Collery. She's going. I have to shed. Oh, she's scratching a lot of her scales. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Who likes it? It's pretty good, actually. Each scale is turning into a tiny creature and then scuttling off. Yes. That is what I have. Oh! Who likes me? That's pretty good, actually. Each scale is turning into a tiny creature and then scuttling off. Yes! That is wild. It's how I maintain the biodiversity of the coral reef, my second grade obsession. Well, that is a very noble pursuit, and perhaps that secondary obsession should become

thein primary obsession. What would the other seaw which is think of me? Who cares what they think? Do you live so that others may decide how you should live? I... Answer honestly. Yes. What brings you the greatest joy, Collarian? What makes you happy? Well, I love manifesting small colonies of Kraken, well-pings.

That's the name for infant. I love eels, octopi. I love maintaining the biodiversity of the coral reef. I love swimming through it every day. In that list so far, not one time have you mentioned getting a husband? Damn. I'm having a real oh oh Any no-ho moment is like an aha moment, but it's see oh

It's really big it's a yo ho But this is just a no-ho moment Yo ho, I realize that- My mother would be disappointed in me. My cousins would be disappointed in me. My purpose is to trap her husband upon the rocks and then chend him. I- But who decided this is dying purpose? Did you decide this for yourself?

Or did others decide it for thee? This is how it has been for sewage and sewage before sewage and sewage before- Although I guess my mom's the first. Well, I love that. But she must have had it of that, you're right. Yes. Right, that was my grandmother. What was her name?

Spargel. Spargel. What a beautiful name. What a beautiful name. It's almost as beautiful as Drainianshire. A name that was Drainianshire. What? We're not just making these things up as we go, it's clearly Drainman Shire.

That's right, Drainman Shire. I gotta remember that Drainman Shire. It's where we're going to meet the Velsmiri and Army. And what is the purpose of this quest of yours? Why must you leave the straits and journey forth? For so long, we have talked about starting a quest to defeat evil in all of the four. And finally I was able to raise Arnie apart of his chair

for he has a great destiny ahead of him to play some important role that is really just super unclear. In this defeat of evil and Chantanai has boom companions long bound together shall fight at the forefront of this army feet of evil and Chantanai has boomed companions long bound together. She'll fight at the forefront of this army that shall destroy and knock down the dark Lord's lair and eliminate his cruel reign or food. We just did some elaborate diplomacy and now we got the army of Vel's smear that we're about to go meet.

We're going to use them to fight the dark Lord. I guess you've been living kind of an isolated life. I don't know if you know the dark Lord has taken over most of food. Oh, no, I had not known. Well, just me, my mom, my cave. Your stepdad. Doug. Yeah. Coral reef. Coral and the biodiversity of the coral. The crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in the crap in Crapin' bully Sorry the crackin' well bling's Well bling's yeah This is so funny, they're teething What do you call a group of crackin'? Oh this is one of your jokes

Crackers A cracker of crackins? Yes And if they're traveling, it's a cracker barrel of crackins Oh but what if they're in a ocean which is famously salt water? They are soggy. Wait, no, I see we're going with this. They're saltines. They're saltines, yes.

That is so close. Yeah, if you're a cracking between, I don't know, 13 and 19. You're saltines, yes, yes. Look, Florian, I don't want to tell you what to do, but as a white man, I feel like my experience can resonate with you. Look, I for years and years,

was in the same place that I never left and I thought that content would come to me. And now, in season three of our podcast, I'm going out to the content of the world of food. Like, have you considered leaving your island and finding love elsewhere? Maybe it's time for you to crash into love instead of making love crash into you. Damn.

Oh, ho. Yeah, the temptation is off the island. It's you before island except after sea. Yes, the most ancient is spelling rule. What's the opposite of oho? Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

I... I have not contemplated this possible. What would my mother and dog do without, I guess, not? They'd be fine. They'd be shrimpin'. They'd go shrimpin'. Make some cocktail sounds. Look, Claire, I'm not saying that's what you should do.

I'm just saying, like, is that an option you've considered? A life of biodiversity alone that it maybe doesn't have loving it is probably fine if that's what you want but also maybe you can go someplace else. Maybe I don't want to have a see which baby who will struggle to eat my husband for the first 50 years of life. Maybe that's not for me. Maybe you don't want to go by Collarian, maybe you want to go by Collare. Claire. Claire. That's your problem, your name. Wait, and also you're wearing those overalls

and get this paint off your face and these glasses. Well, yeah, take off these glasses. I, but I can't see without these glasses. I'll put those glasses right now. I'm sorry. And those weren't overalls. That was just kelp clumped together. I'm so sorry.

Well, you had, the straps are helpful for when, you know know it just goes swimming. Of course. I will say that when you took those glasses off I couldn't help but think. She's all that. Chant? Yeah. Onions minute ago.

He said he's white. I thought he was pink. Well, his shirt is pink. We know that for sure. Oh, okay. I don't know. His skin is fairly pinkish. Yeah.

Yeah. Weird. Anyway, sorry. Well, Clarion, it's been a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for your advice. And- And- And I'll take it into consideration. Well, I'm so happy that you're considering it,

but would you still like to try to drown to of us and marry the other? I think you should continue on through the straits on your quest to defeat the Dark Lord. For, while I do not relate to this concept of evil, not knowing what it is, perhaps I am evil, for I intend to drown people most of the time. I mean, you are what you are.

Thank you, yes. You shall pass on through the straits, and I shall return to my island. Good and evil is just a choice. As we've laid out for you today, you have many choices ahead of you. Collarian, I must ask thee a question now. Would you join our quest? When I call upon the great power of the sea which Collarian, would you send your crackens

and your sea serpents and your ship to help defeat the dark lord. Follow up question. Do you have sea serpents? Have she mentioned how? I just sort of assumed. They're a little, they work at a lower, um, the deeper. Yeah.

And it's hard for sea witches to get down to the pressure in your ears. Yeah. It's deadly. Oh. But they will serve as yes. If you could call upon their great power in our battle against evil, then you would be part of the forces of good. Then I shall. I shall when the time comes. Well try to find me if I'm not with mom and dar, I'm in the cave most likely. Yeah. It seems like it'll be easy to find you.

I'm one of the Northern most likely. Yeah, it seems like it'll be easy to find you I'm one of the northern Isles. Yeah, Calary and when we need you I show whisper to the wind Well, then Mariah is gonna come. Well, they're not gonna say Mariah. Can you please pass the measures on? What's the killer, but you know, why don't you hate it when you summon someone and they're like hey We are you gonna be seeing Clary and Lucy hide Clary and for me? someone and they're like, hey, are you going to be seeing Claire and Lisey hide Claire and for me? Well, I'll see if you can be able to tell. I'm right deserves it a little bit. I won't go into middle school stuff, but she's also I'd be kicking myself out, but I

didn't ask. I have a side quest where I'm looking for pity nuts. There's only hold up one just these little months. I'm trying to collect a couple hundred of those. Would you do a half? Just the one, for example, sake. And then it's made of wood. This is a replica.

So you have them. Mm. Have we defeated the Dark Lord? No, I guess we have none of that quest. I think it's just kind of a dumb quest. I think it's got a dumb, this is audio only. Well, sure, but you know what? I didn't happen to have a GoPro with me

when I fell through a dimensional portal. I just happened to very naturally have a bunch of microphones in a laptop. Oh, look, look out to sea, look right there. See that, oh, that dolphin just jumped up. Whoa, no way, we just jumped out of water. The dolphin and now they're both splashing down. What a sound that is sure, but also there's no visual.

It was terrifying. And their inner thoughts were fascinating, man. I made that happen. Oh, good job, fascinating. I made that happen Well, Clarion, thank you so much for crawling on to our boat and being on our podcast Thank you for giving me an oh-ho moment and even a yo-ho moment a new perspective on my life and I guess it's not really R is to give because we're just passengers on this ship, but I think we should let her keep the chair. Thank you. Of course, keep the chair, and of course I seen your island. They are far in the distance. I shall make it appear there for thee, as well as a small

cart. What? You can lay down on it in the evening. You can lay down on it. Oh, I'm sorry, that wasn't an insult? No, no, no, I know it sounded like one, that's fair. Yeah, fuck you, lay down on it. Lay down on it, you piece of crap. I shall vanish now. Oh, you're needing vanish just yet? Ony's going to read an email.

Yeah, you know, we get messages from Earth. People email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address. Although I guess at sea, I'm supposed to refer to them as seamail. Is that right? I thought it was correct. Okay. Here's one I received.

It says Arnie, have you ever considered talking about Earth military technology to scare the dark lord in his minions away? I doubt he knows how to deal with a tank. Do you think an Abrams could fit through the portal behind the Burger King signed Isaac and Sarah? Why would JJ Abrams have anything to do with this? I spent a week upon it. Why wouldn't JJ Abrams want to have anything

to do with this JJ Abrams if you're listening? There's a lot of potential here. I spent a week upon Earth, and I think the first season of Lost is wonderful. Well, you know what, on my world, there are these giant war machines called tanks and I don't think I could even begin to build one and honestly, I hope one can.

You could build one. You could build one. You could build a tank. Sure, man, you could build one. Oh no. But I also, like, I hope that one actually doesn't fit through the portal behind the burger king. I mean, gosh if someone on earth could like get a tank here that just seems...

Well it seems like anyone could get a tank here, it would be your burger potentate. In all his great powers, it is disposal. If he wanted to some sort of tank or some sort of valence of falcons armed with the lasers that you often speak of, then surely he could send them through quite easily. I guess that burking is pretty close to rigly, Bill, so a lot of people do get tanked and go there. Kilarin, if you had to do one final round, a friend, friend, friend, who'd you kill? I've now, thanks to our discussion, changed my perspective and would kill Arnie Oh You've learned so much

Yes, if I was forced to kill with Kill Arnie and let you to continue on your quest Arnie seems to himself have been dashed upon the shores of this land Yeah, it's true So he's already sad. Yeah. Well, Clareon, it is a pleasure to meet you. And if we sail back this way, we shall surely stop it and say hello to you again.

But now, with my great powers, I shall transport you back to your island, along with your new chair. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think she has her own powers. Oh, you're right. You don't cheat me. Yeah, earlier, she said she's going to vanish. Oh, you're right. You don't sheed me. Yeah, earlier she said she's going to vanish. Yes, then vanish away.

I will transport my, in a similar fashion as you were discussing, but oh, yes, I'll do it by myself. OK. OK. And thank you for the chair. That I would need to help please transport the chair. Yeah, I would lay on it. Yes.

And was that what it was? Yeah, you can lie down on it. You can lay down on it. Lay down on it. And you can lay on it. And when, you know, when we need you eventually in the fight against the dark Lord, we will definitely give you a chalery call. Thank you and good life.

Oh, she's pretty more sea water to your mouth already. Must be how our power works. Oh, she vanished. Wow. Now you throw a recent that chair? Chair fly! I just smashed into those rocks. Oh no! Oh, no! We don't have any more chairs to spare.

Otherwise, we won't have a place to sit. I can conjure a new chair, I'm sure, and we can drop it off next time we're here. She's gonna really think we betrayed her! Wait, put your head on your chair. It's kinda comfortable. Oh, yeah, that's kind of nice. Put your arms kind of... Frankly, I've never understood the way you two sit in chairs.

If only we had visual. Well great. When they brought up shoving a tank through the portal, everybody here started furiously typing, and diagramming on the whiteboard. The whole damn facility just became the first 20 minutes of the social network. I knew this planet's warmongering tendencies would show up eventually. Let's see. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the shape shifter was played by Adolf Refyre. Collarian the Sea Witch was played by special guest Sarah Haskins, co-creator of new sitcom

Carol's second act, premiering September 26th at 930 on CBS. She's also one of the writers of the movie Booksmart. She hosted target women on current TV, and when we worked at Second City, we wrote a scene about unmarried ants bringing down the room during Thanksgiving dinner that our director refused to put in front of an audience. But I've let that go. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffaie, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas.

This episode edited by Stefan Dranger, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adel Ruffaie, original Magic Tavern theme song by Andy Poland, C-Shanty version of the song by Arnie Parrott. If you have a problem with his man braid, you're not alone. What do you know? I intercepted an email with another fan-made cover of the Magic Tavern theme. It's like the ice bucket challenge,

but not helping any diseases. Let's take a listen to this track from the savants of souls, and forget all about trying to cram a tank through an interdimensional rift. I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I Baby, this is round the dragons while they take their rest But baby understands that they don't just know she must be cute It'd be a success, but the dragons make him walk This is a dragon's ant, baby marching on the town It's just awful, but the baby comes them down Explains to them he understands that dragons can't be all good

If they want some breakfast, guess the dragon makes them walk on Hello from the Magic Studio. I'm Justin opening the store? Let me unlock it with my key. Doug! What? I'm just opening the store. If you see anything fly onto this aisle, don't touch it! Come back to Shrampin! Don't touch it, Doug! I'm gonna go to Shrampin.

I'm expecting a present. It's for me. It's a package. It's only for me. Nobody open it. From Dust Hill Prone.