Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 70 - Arnor's Next Feat

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Arnor the legendary warrior crashes into Castle Skullmaster with some surprising news.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungArnor: Blaine SwenWictor the Guard: Bryan SafiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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the airwaves for anything coming out of Foon. Oh my controversial patriarchal deity. This audio transmission is weeks long! They must have left it recording before they leapt off to that market-tested high-concept prestige arc. Well, I might as well scrub up to the last hour or so and see if there's anything useful. Sit back and try to make sense of this. I have a dumb question for you and I expect a smart answer.

Where are all my fruits I gathered in the kitchen? My fruits at the sea, my fruits at the land, my warm harvest fruits! Cynthia, did you and your rat friends poke holes in my fruits? What is that? Oh my god, they let the microphone. Okay, I gotta go. All right. Yeah, it's not over yet I said I'm my jacket my sunglasses. We're gonna take them off take them off take them off Wait, hold on hold on 1980s on earth anymore. Hold on. I take off my sunglasses. I want to give a little scream is that okay? Yeah, go ahead

Oh, is that fun? That was really fun. Yeah, you try here put them on Back home it feels so good. Oh shit. Did you have the off mug with you? Oh? No, no, I was about to say everything's back to normal, but it feels like Hmm we lost our 22 ounce bitch Arnie My foot my foot. Oh, I'm sorry junk. Oh That's clearly chunt. I'm chunt. Oh, sorry, chunt. Sorry, we spent so many weeks calling you chunk. It's easy to forget.

But you're back to normal. You're back to being yourself? Yeah, and what? I'm not a mug anymore. Oh, and oh my gosh. I don't have a sword through me anymore. You're a city in sword. Where is it? Where could it be?

It's a weapon capable of murder, you know, was it? We must be cautious. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. it? Don't throw it around. I don't care what you call it, but don't toss it through the air without a single care. For that is how you most assuredly murder me the way you accidentally murdered Ken. Oh, I thought you were rhyming there for a minute,

sound like a little rap. So guys, we should name this sword. Now that it's out of Arnie, we have to name it. That's just how it goes in Foon. We got to name this sword. Arnie, since it was inside you, do you want to name it? Or is that weird since it was inside you? Hmm. See, no, I mean, I went through a phase where I named all my bound movements, but I was told by a doctor to stop doing that. So I'll let someone else name this sword.

Just a doctor? I'm surprised it escalated that high. So, Obstitus Order's sword, Sidian, is my two cents. So, Yusador, you have an Obsidian Hand or you did? I did, that's true. We could call it Yusador's Hand. Ooh, I like that. Yusador's Hand. Yes, I vote for that. All right, I'm cool with that.

Yusador's Hand, it is, oh, wait. Dang, something very important. Hello from Castle Skullmaster. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King that I use to upload this podcast, Ronnacling, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. I just went on a time travel vision quest to the 1980s, discovered some weird things about myself. I think the artifact of the Dark Lord once is implanted in my body. I'm forgetting, am I forgetting anything else? That's that important.

Oh yeah, I definitely wanted to say, I love the 80s. Well a few other things happened. I took a job as a chemistry teacher for a short time because apparently your school doesn't have a defense against the dark arts position. And of course I sold insurance for a short time that we met a very strange person

who didn't seem to be from your world at all. Yeah, that's right. And why don't I remember any of this stuff? I don't remember this happening when I was a kid. You don't remember meeting us when you were a child? No. And look, I'm not great at remembering names. Wouldn't that be wild?

If like, five years in, I'm like, oh, shit, that's right. We met back in the 80s. Seems like some convenient retroactive continuity to me, but all right. Time travel, right? I hate time travel. See this is why every two or three weeks, when I get thrown into another time period, or another dimension, or another era, I come back and I'm so discombobulated. Yeah, I'm pissed off because how long are we on Earth, Ernie?

What would you say three weeks? Three or four. In that three or four weeks, I must have killed I don't know 15,000 butterflies I couldn't kill enough butterflies and it sucks that we're back here before I got to kill even more I've never seen you so dedicated to any task then you were to killing all those butterflies It just was so fun once you kill one it's such a rush But maybe you are always predestined to kill those butterflies and it's made no difference at all Hmm. Yeah, maybe I guess we'll see. So now that we're back in Castle Skullmaster.

Also, also, also, we didn't just travel in time. We traveled to Earth, from food, to between dimensions. Yeah, that's true. But you were saying something, I suppose. It was so wild to be so star for Earth content and Earth information, and then to have it all at my fingertips. Like, there's times where I was just paralyzed with like, I don't know what to do next.

I'm on earth and I don't know what to do because it's, you know, I'll just sit around and watch TV, you know. I mean, we've tried almost every kind of candy now. I'm never gonna have a sag nut again, even if I have a chance. And you know what, all my life I thought cocoon the return was better than cocoon, but I was wrong.

No, cocoon is definitely the stronger film. I really... OOOOOO! OOOOOO! Whoa! That wall just exploded! There's... There's dust everywhere!

I can't see anything! Huh! Huh! Whoa! Where am I? What is this place? This is Castle Skullmaster. We're not sitting totally Bruce, but I would recognize that voice anywhere.

Oh no, the warrior. Ah, knee knee, Kim. I would recognize you anywhere. I mean, you're, I'm more of a face person than a name person. Look at the shoulder. I couldn't see you right away. There's all the dust the dust was in my eyes From bursting through this fragment wall. We haven't really kept this castle up. It's pretty dirty That's fair But I know how did you break through a fragment wall?

We've been here trapped in the fragment team for low these many months and how I have desperately tried to cast ari spell To overcome this enchantment that the for low these many months, and how I have desperately tried to cast Aeryspell to overcome this entrantment that's the- befall all of food! The only thing that can overcome a fragment wall, guess me, Wayneis, is an obsidian device. Yeah, obsidian, like I cut through a little bit of one of those walls with my obsidian sword. It took some- it kind of jizzled some of it off though. It destroys the obsidian sword. It took some, it kind of jizzled some of it off though. It destroys the obsidian. To carve through a fragment wall destroys the obsidian that carved through it as well. A mutual destruction. So to get through as many fragment walls as I have,

you would need nearly an unlimited supply of obsidian. You've been through many of these walls then. Oh, I've been traveling for months and months, blasting through wall after wall. I've taken down most of the walls in fune, only to lead me to you. Alright, so time out. Does this mean that I won the bet or that the bear won the bet, because neither one of us fixed the shattering. Oh yeah! And then also I bet you used the door that I would fix the shattering before you.

So I guess that bets off. Yeah, no one ever took that bet seriously. Are you sure door? You sure door? Yeah, yeah. When you said time out and did that thing with your hands, I froze. Can you untie him out?

Yes, time in. Oh, thank you. Sorry, I forget how powerful I am. Oh, I wish I could murder you right now, honey, Neekamp. Oh, I wish you wouldn't. I don't even, it's been so long I barely even remember what our feud is about. What a short memory for a short little mind! That's right.

Oh, our feud goes to the very depths of the soul-army knee-camp. Your name is shorter than mine. That's real. Which boasts more feats than me. Which deserves death. On top of that, you mocked me unnecessarily, mocked me repeatedly. That, yeah, I was going to say, because my name isn't actually not shorter than yours. It's the same, the same number of examples.

It's shorter in an alphabetical way. In an alphabetical way? I becomes, comes before O in the alphabet, and so if you're spelling our names technically, it's in a way it's shorter. Also, if you think about the typeface and the kerning between the letters, if you're getting really into the detail of the actual font, you know, I is much less wide than O.

Faster to write, it's faster to write. Did you guys know that the dot over the I in eye is called a tiddle? There's a little factory, right, right? That's why I would tear your tittles off ony knee camp and feed them to your screaming face. Then you would face the wrath of a wizard, old Arnold, though I do respect thee, even though thou hast taken dark paths at time, thou hast been a great hero, and apparently saved all the food from the shattering. I now hear, say unto thee, cross not my friend, lest you wish, to face the entire unbridled power of a wizard. No, you don't have to fear me, guessmwinous.

I shall not lay a finger on Arni Neekamp. Okay. If I were to kill him now, the songs of his vanquishment would ring throughout Fungfar and wide. It would be one of my greatest feats to destroy Arni Neekamp. They would sing of it in the heeled hops in the valleys. And soon, because of those songs, the Dark Lord would be able to find me. And I cannot have that. Yet. Why must you stay away from his ever piercing gaze. Yeah, yeah, you know I am under contract with the dark Lord

I sold my soul to him in return for a gift. I guess we knew you were working with the dark Lord But I guess we didn't really know the specifics of the arrangement under contract, huh? Yeah, what's the gift? Is it like a like a golden fiddle or we don't have to talk about it? It was a gift I don't have it anymore. It's gone. It grew too big. I remember I feel like everyone would do better with their contracts if people felt More free about talking about what gifts they got from the Dark Lord right because that kind of gives him the power If someone's like I got a great gift from the Dark Lord and someone else is like I thought I had a great gift But he's really shaffed in me but with the not as good a gift from the Dark Lord and someone else is like, I thought I had a great gift, but he's really shafting me,

but with not as good a gift from myself. Oh, I hear your insults, ah, knee, knee, camp. I hear your not so subtle references to my lost gifts. Arnie, you said shafted. Don't say shafted around our heart. Oh, that's right, because he lost his stuff. I'm sorry.

That was an accidental dunk. That was not intentional. I'm sure that Arnie was just commenting on the fact that you're a member of the Dark Lord's. Oh, I would murder all three of you right now if the feet would not echo throughout food. But I cannot. I feel like such a boner, we're being huge digs to this guy.

Nuts. Yeah. Cock and balls. You know what those don't bother me as much. It's the roundabout, you know, subtle ones that really sting. But the blunt, you know, straight at you, that's, you know, that's just... That doesn't hurt so bad. Rip this scab right off.

I can't have the Dark Lord find me, because I'm magically pounded by my contract, not to hurt him. If he found me out, it could be the end of me. And he's angry at me right now. Angry with a vengeance, because I destroyed so many fragments. The Dark Lord is mad that you were trying to solve the fragment? Of course he's mad! He's mad that I ruined one of the greatest plans of his time. Oh, it was the Dark Lord.

Oh! Oh, that makes so much sense. I think solving a problem like that is a real testament to your madhood. Well, to give the Dark- Wait a minute, it's just there, that cuts deep, that cuts... Yeah, like the cut. It took a little while, but then once it cut in there, it really stung. Yes, it's terrible when it goes deep.

No, gasmoidest me, star. If I didn't love you so much, I'd kill you now. Lucky for me. Why are you so lovable? Me? You mean dead if you are you so lovable? Me? You mean dead if you weren't so lovable, right? I suppose so. And there's a very good chance I'll die anyway.

Fighting to defend all the food from evil and all of its forms. Yeah, I would gladly give it my very life to make sure every man, woman in child, was safe and warm in their beds at night and freed from the wrath of the Dark Lord. If it had been up to me, you three would wither away in this fragment. And had never been set free, it was a brilliant plan by the Dark Lord to isolate his enemies in eternal loneliness. Oh, one of the most genius plans of our time. All of the Dark Lord's allies were invited to a wellness retreat at the Bornean Hutt's place. Oh! Fiction we had a great time. Oh, you more of a fiction guy. I would always peg you for like a non-fiction guy

Oh, and sometimes you need an escape. I've faced so much reality We we have a book club too. We often read books from Arnie's native home of Earth Oh, yeah, but it sounds like what sort of books were you reading? That sounds fun. Oh us. Well, you know You know I can read. So I already, you know, all kinds of fiction. Make me a little suspicious. Oh, yeah, through that in the day. Lots of different fiction books.

Name one of them. Maybe we've heard of it. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Have you heard of... Or just described the plot. Have you ever been to the wellness spa in the Borneon Hot Springs? I have not. You should or have you been? It has been over a century, but yeah, I have been there.

It's great. Oh, it's very nice. And there, with my friends, I read various fiction books. From the cover? We read both covers, yes. And the pages in between? No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay.

Yeah, you can't read. So, there we relaxed reading books like, you know, the handsome duck and... Let's let him off the hook. What else did you do at the hot springs? What? Other than read the handsome duck? Yes. I'm kind of curious read the handsome duck? Yes? I'm kind of curious about the handsome duck, but no, no we can go move on fine I'm

I'm not guy all I say is a tie to like that. What's him? Whatever on you don't are you curious? No, don't you wouldn't know I'm I okay. Oh, I yeah, I get it. I'm crazy I'm the only one that wants to know about the handsome You don't have a sword in you anymore, and now you think you're the big cock of the walk. Oh. Oh, guess whinus. Oh, you're making me feel as lonely as the handsome duck right now.

Oh, is the handsome duck lonely? Oh, yes, of course. Because he was too handsome. Oh, because nobody would approach him. I hear that happens a lot with attractive people. People are so intimidated by them that they actually don't get asked out. Isn't that wild? That's right.

Are you sure they wouldn't approach them because he was so handsome and it wasn't because ducks have weird penises? Oh, I could rip your head from your body right now. Oh, and you could, I know you could. But you won't. But I won't, I won't. So I keep bringing it up.

You know, like you keep saying, like I could do do this I could do that. We know what you could do What are you gonna do what are you gonna do? It's just nice to you know think of possibilities. It's okay All right Am I going to do see that's my point is yeah, you have to have a direction in your life And now you have this opportunity perhaps now to break away from this deal you've made with the Dark Lord and turn your great power back towards the side of good. But I do have direction, guess meaness. You see, at the willness retreat, while we awaited the Dark Lord, enacting his own plan,

to isolate all of his enemies in the fragmenting. I took a nature walk on my own to gather my thoughts away from my friends. Sounds nice. Oh it was nice but it was ill-timed. For the fragmenting began when I was on my walk and I was separated from my seven best buds and my beloved lady Mary Bell. One of the seven souls of the soul walker. We just started really hitting it off. Oh! And already then I was fragmented away. Fortunately I found myself in the obsidian mines of Borneo. Borneo is known for three things

Mm-hmm the bear which I killed the Borneo bear one. It's great hot springs Two two and it's obsidian mines three I found myself in the impenetrable obsidian mines of Borneo And you mind all of the obsidian out of those minds? I sure did they must I can hate you get all the three things that's right that the only thing I haven't ruined in Borneo is the hot springs And those are great, man. You got to try it out if I don't murder you I could use you know what I could use a break. I need something right? You know what I mean? Cuz I got something going on with my shoulders, and I just need to relax something right? You know what I mean? Because I got something going on on my shoulders and I just need to relax. So, in order to get back to my love lady Mirabil, I mined all of the obsidian in the minds of Bornea.

I fashioned them into tight, shiny cannonball. And sorry, Arnor as you keep talking Arnie, let me just, yeah, here I'm just gonna rub. You're like a divorce couple camping, two tents. Don't need for a cannon when you've got these arms. Then one by one, I began to blast my way through each of the fragment walls, trying to make my way back to my love. Lady Marybeth.

How separated from her must have been so hard on you. Yeah, must have been so hard on you. Yeah, must have been so hard, and you know, they erected these walls and you're penetrating them, like that's ejaculate. No, I just, I don't wanna be here anymore. I'm just, please, please tell us, finish your story. You were searching for Lady Mary Bell

with your tiny cannon balls. They were large cannon balls. Okay. Oh, good. Ah, fierce balls. Fiest balls, balls that could blast through walls. They were wallballs. Wallballs. Yes.

And I blasted through fragment after fragment. But I couldn't find my way back to Lady Maribel because I, I'm really bad at directions. Hmm. You would think the son of a sky god could read the stars, right? Yeah, that's right. You're the son of Bruce the sky god? That's right. But he was never around.

Never taught me how to read his face. But he taught you how to read. Well, I had to learn that on my own. That's why it's a feat. Is there any obstacle that you encountered where you could take the story of the handsome duck and apply it to your situation? That's a good question, Chuck. I mean every story has a lesson to take away from it, you know? Even our podcast. I'm sure there's all kinds of lessons

you know people walk away with so surely the handsome duck had something to offer. Right, willing the handsome duck you have to make yourself hideous so that you're approachable. Yes, the handsome duck just figures himself so that he's finally approachable by other ducks of his desire. That's right. I gotta read this book. Yeah, the handsome duck, yeah.

He just rips off his own bill. Oh. Yeah. Despite his face. Despite. It's, it's, it's grouse. It's a really rough book. Really rough book. First book I learned how to read.

Is there a part where the duck is like, maybe I overshot it. Like I was going for less hands, but maybe I should have ripped my whole bill off my face. Yeah, maybe just start with like a weird hat or something. Yeah. There's a call that book, the over correcting duck. they just start with like a weird hat or something. Yeah. That would be over correcting duck. Now, Aano, you're telling me there's nothing you can relate to in this story of the handsome duck

who lost a part of his body to function and continue living in the world. Yeah, I don't see what you're driving at this place. Okay, okay. The duck just lost his bill, one of the most important parts of his own flesh. And then he was finally accepted by those around him. Well, do you not feel accepted?

How would I feel accepted? Here among these who ridicule me with your gentle cutting taunts. Our genital tonds? So, now, but you are such a celebrated and beloved hero this dark turn, and now you can only think of yourself as mocked, I would not think of the as mocked, I would think of the as enumerated and legend.

I am all of these things and more. For I know that I am loved, loved by Lady Mary Bill, who I long to return to. Tell us a little bit about Lady Mary Bill. What? Dish. Wait, what? What did you say? Tell us a little bit about her.

This way of living in your life. She's great, she's dead. She's been dead a long time. Duh. So she doesn't care about certain shortcomings. If you know what I'm talking about, and I think you do. You're down into yourself.

Ha ha. You got your ass. He's been dead for a long time, trapped in the body of my best friend, the sulwokker. And now it lasts released. And to me she is best friend and eternal love. That's a beautiful story. And I think that your love was formed during this book club that you were in together. The pianist truly might hear the sword. Guess moe-ness. he's working it out.

You know, I used to think of you as a really nice guy, and I don't know how to make it. Is that all my changing right now? What do you mean? I mean, the pen is truly my tier than the sword. I know, but... Come on, do you really pronounce that helping verb that way? Huh?

Is that how you pronounce your helping? Let's pronounce more helping verbs, okay? Okay. All right. I'll say a way. Huh? Is that how you pronounce your helping? Let's pronounce more helping verbs, okay? Okay. All right, I'll say a bunch, okay? Is MRWa's were being been, have has had, do is MRWa? Maybe he doesn't know how to read. What?

Is MRWa? Guess wait us. What? I need to wait us. What? I need to do anything. Wait, maybe not, because he clearly can't read this room. We don't want to hear helping verbs. We're not that type of show. He can't even read a room, you guys.

Guys, you can't even read a room. Shall we all should wood can could? I will. May. And light. Look, must. All I'm saying is, I want to help you get back to Lady Maribel because love is truly the path back to goodness And if you have found this connection if you want to help me guess me

Nus the only way you could do that is to kill the dark Lord I'd loved I'd yeah, I'm trying to do it all the time. That's like my whole face You won't fucking shut up about killing the Dark Lord. One of these days, I shall take this very obsidian blade, usanor's hand, and I shall drive it into the eye of the Dark Lord, and as he doth scream and righ then pain I shall pull it out slowly, and then delve it deep into his chest, where the what was once as hot doth lie. Fool gasmuinus. it deep into his chest, where the what was once as heart of lie.

Full gasmoinus. In order to get to the dark lord, you'll have to break through his fragment barrier with your obsidian sword. In order to get near to him to plunge this obsidian sword into his chest, you'll have to bereft yourself of your obsidian sword. I've only had a little more obsidian. Well there's gotta be like lots of obsidian and fune, right? I use my last obsidian cannonball to get here.

I've used up all the obsidian from the obsidian mines with one small exception. Oh, what's that? Or I should say, two here in a tiny pouch, I have kept this memory of my obsidian mining. These two obsidian pebbles, which I carry around my waist. Okay. Now, you're giving us a hard time, but then sometimes you just walk us right up to the to the water. You know what I mean? Like here in this sec I have two okay little obsidian balls and you had to hang your sec there of all places on your body That's where you put the sack in case I need to access my balls. That's nice. I have to get to them right away And so I keep them there so that I could quickly get to them

And so I keep them there so that I could quickly get to them Yeah, so we're sorry we didn't make you test thee but Did we do that one guess mean us? Yes, yes, I don't if you are going to really kill the dark Lord. Yeah, you're going to need these My two balls. Ooh put them on the the sword on other side of the hill. I will grant you a favor if you are willing to grant me your obsidian balls. What's that? Wait, what? Wait, let's go back. Wait. You're gonna give me a favor if I give you my balls. I shall grant thee a boon, but simply ask, and if it can be done, I shall do it. Take these balls. And when you've cut through the dark lords fragment with your shaft,

Int him with these balls. And as he dies, tell him, these are anores balls. Okay, now I think we should call the sword Dixition. Is anyone else on board with that? I shall do this favor for thee. I shall let the Dark Lord know that as he doth choke upon the balls, those are the balls of honor that he doth eat. Whoa, wow. Alright, I just thought you could throw them at him, slingshot them, you know, burst through his chest,

you're gonna make him eat them. Yeah, I was figuring, you know, I'd break through the barrier. I'd get right to him. And then as he's knocked back upon his, from the force of the explosion of the wall being shattered, I would stand over him, kneel down, and dip the balls directly into his mouth. Either way, it's gonna be awkward.

Yeah, that was him. Well, to each his own guest moaness. Well speaking of to each their own we're gonna take a quick break and wait I don't know where he's going with that. So Arnort you've been dating this dead girl. Lady Maribel, yes. Lady Maribel. Yes. Is it ever awkward or complicated between the seven

or eight of you, the fact that like she used to be trapped in a soul walkers body with your other buds. It's very intimate. And now like the two of you are connecting in a soul walker's body with your other buds. It's very intimate. And now, like, the two of you are connecting in a way that's maybe not the same as you. You know, I never thought about that, Ani. I was never plagued by jealousy in that way until just now. Oh.

Ooh. Well, I'm sure Lady Maribel has strong feelings for you, but, you know, perhaps some of the other souls felt slighted that she had found a connection with you that they had not. You were still friends with all of them though, right? Oh, of course, of course. In Crispin, he very much approves of my relationship with Lady Mary Bell.

Of course. He's always encouraging it, egging it on you. Refresh my memory. Crispin's the pervert one. Is that right? Well, if you want to call him that, if you want to call him that, but we don't use those kinds of labels in our group.

I'm going to say, yeah, honey. Look, I don't want to judge. I don't want to yuck anybody's yum. But it almost seems like if you're in a group where it's like, in this group, we don't use the label pervert. We actively avoid it. Some stuff is you're in a group where it's like in this group we don't use the label pervert We actively avoid it some stuff is going on in that group I mean that's just trying to be open to what works for other people and

You know, it's not for us to judge or decide you greedy old miser Yeah, I mean we don't go around using phrases like yuck anybody's yum I mean, we don't go around using phrases like yuck anybody's yump. That sounds pretty gross to me, yuck. I don't want to get into my thing with yumps. Okay, I got a yump thing. Oh, how I wish I had never introduced you to the yumps. Everyone approves of my relationship with Lady Maribel. They blessed. It's celebrated.

And Lady Maribel understands me in a way That others haven't for a long time. Oh Details it's hard it's hard working for the You know I haven't done a single feat since I've been employed by the dark Lord my talents are wasted Sometimes I think he made me sign that contract just to get me out of the way. That's right. Now Lady Maribel, she's how to politely put this since you don't use labels. She's dead. Is she able to sort of help you out in your career choices at all?

Like, you know, before you sign this contract, did she say anything to you in terms of like, I don't know, like, Arnor, you're in danger girl, something like that? Yeah. Well done, Chant. That sounds exactly like Lady Maribel. in terms of like, I don't know, like, Arnor, you're in danger girl, something like that? Yeah, well done, Chant, that sounds exactly like Lady Maribel. Well, thank you. Actually, giving me some comfort to listen to you talk like Lady Maribel. Ha ha ha, comfort.

So, the truth, Chant, is that, uh, I didn't know Lady Maribel when I signed that contract. I only knew the Soul Walker, and not the Souls in the Walker. It was only after that contract, I only knew the Soul Walker and not the Souls in the Walker. It was only after that contract, maybe even because of it, that I met those souls. Well, I think that it's very wonderful that you found someone to connect with, and someone who understands you so well. Thank you, Guest Moineas. If you find her again, how do you imagine your relationship will continue to grow

or move to me perhaps to a next step oh hi hesitate to indulge that day dream too deeply for fear that I may never find her and I may drown in the hope of her but if I were to see her again I would run up to her and give her a ghost embrace. Oh, we can't actually touch her. She's dead and is a spirit, but when we're in each other's presence, so we go through the motions, it's going to be hard touching each other.

But we don't actually physically feel each other. But if you imagine it hard enough, sometimes you get a tingle. Okay. Is she able to go inside you? Is she able to sort of put her soul inside your body? You know, we don't use those labels inside, outside, you know, up, down directions, you know, things like that.

Those labels, you don't even like. We don't use those. We don't. I'm gonna come to the aid of labels here, for a change. Because if you get lost all the time, these particular set of labels could be very useful. You know, that's a good point. That's why you went in absolutely the wrong direction

when you were trying to get back to late in Maribel. Well, if this direction leads to the death of the Dark Lord, is it truly the wrong direction at all? Ooh, ooh, ooh. Sometimes where you are is exactly where you need to be. Wow, I don't understand it, but it sounds deep. Everything is happening for some purpose. And in time, you'll be reunited with your lady love.

If you do believe and hope hard enough, what will you say to her when you see her again? Maribel. Maribel, you make me feel... This is kind of difficult to be honest. Chant? Uh, would you mind... Playing Maribel?

Would you mind playing Maribel? Way ahead of you. Just to help you you to the reality. Let me just shape shift to where I have longer hair. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. And where would you be?

Where would this be happening? Well, I imagine it will be back at the wellness retreat, the Bornean hot springs. Ah, here, let me conjure, transform this very room into a hot spring. Arath- Koro-tra! Arath- Koro-tra! Wow. transform this very room into a hot spring. A rough, corotra, a rough corotra. It's a like I'm there. Everything's perfect except I can still smell Arne.

And let me transform Arne into a great rock that will heat the water here in the spring. Turon, dora, ho, ho. And Yusur, I can only ship ship shift so much can you give me like a well? What's the difference between the top and a blouse you know, I don't know I want like a fun blouse or fun top, but I don't know the difference and like I want to you know I want to look good for Arnold, you know like a hundred bucks That's the difference between the top and the blouse. I'm just guessing okay on

area thing t Lee hey That's the difference between the top and the boss. I'm just guessing. Okay. Here is a thing, here is a nice roughly blouse that says top on it. Wow a blob. Thanks you, Sador. Now I'm already. Let me just shimmy into this blob. Ahem. Oh you too.

Lady Meridel. My love Maradelle, my love. Our nor my love. What a lovely love. Thank you. I sowed it myself. What a lovely oil you have smeared all over your muscles. Thank you. I applied it myself. Is it oil or is it duck fat? It's a mix of my own sweat and Oilers at Duck Fat. It's a mix of my own sweat.

And mostly, it's mostly my own sweat, to be honest. I'm sorry, it's a mix of my own sweat with it, Selah. A mix of like new sweat and old sweat. Shut up, rock. Be quiet, rock, aren't you? Why don't you have a seat next to me here in this hot spring? I would love nothing more. Oh, Lady Meribel, how I wish you could knit our souls together like you've knit this beautiful block.

And how I wish you could fuck me, but... Alas. Alas, Alas, Anon, Anon. Lady Maribel, you've never been so forward before. Well, it's just, you know, it's... A woman has needs and, uh... You're, you know, you have these 10-inch fingers and a 20-inch tongue, but what are you supposed to do with all that? Whoa!

Lady Maribel, this is a whole new sight of you. We've never discussed. Chant, this is perfect. Keep going. Do you want me to go inside your body? I wish I could turn away, but I'm a rock. Lady Maribel, I thought we didn't use labels like that. I want you to take on my body.

Take on your body. What is that mean, big boy? You're a dead spirit, Lady Maribel. Oh, go inside your body. Take on. I see. Yes. You just say take on me.

You say, ah ah take on me All right, I mean not everything is that black and white shut up rock. Okay. Let's see I'm just gonna climb on your back cuz I'm so sorry. I'm alright. That's all right. This is good This is good. I'm corporeal so I just have to I'm just gonna really working through some stuff. Oh Here you go. I took on you big boy. How about how about that? It's like I was half a soul. And you are the other half. And now I'm finally whole. To my fucking shnapper.

Oh, that's kind of nice, actually. Okay, just go that way. Oh my, that's a darling. Oh, enough, enough, enough. Too much chunt. Very well, very well. I shall undo all the magic I have just done. Control Z. It's not a big deal.

Take a little more. Ah, don't talk about it. Wait, I'm still a rock. Oh, sorry. I wrote for tra, per a ca tunt. Thank you, chunt. You've helped me realize what I must do. I must return to my lady, Meribel,

and ask her to take my body as her own. Nice. Well, I'm glad to help and I got a little something out of it too. You know the whole time that I was that rock? I had this overwhelming desire for someone to drink me. So maybe that's just a me thing. Yeah, I think that's it. I think that's it. I thought that was a wonderful roleplay that we just did. And we worked through so many things and had so many wonderful epiphanies. And it reminded me just a little bit

of those old bugs, bunny cartoons you showed us, Arnie, when we were on Earth a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, and it also reminds me of that wonderful movie you showed us, Breakfast Set of Epiphanies. I loved every single scene about it, except for that one guy.

Not said. Well, I must express to you, Chant, my eternal gratitude. Until you, gasmoinus me star, for being my star in the guidance of love. And Arnie, mm-hmm. Yeah, never. I've got nothing to say to you.

One of those. Just like a... That's a big improvement. That's a normal improvement. Wait, Arnor, I have one more gift for you. Let me... Okay, I did away with the long hair and then I'll just... Yeah!

Okay, look, I'm a duck and I want you to rip off my bill. Chant. It's the final step you need to go on your path to carve out your new way. Really? Yeah, rip it off. Quick, before I change my mind. Ah! Oh!

Oh! That was so annoying. I shall keep this bill in the pouch around my waist. Oh, back to being a badger. Ah, my mouth is here. Great. Perfect. Yeah, keep it.

Well, do whatever you want with it. This bill will always be a reminder of the lessons that I've learned here. And now my friends and Arnie, I go. I go to find my lady love, that we might be together. Forever. Goodbye, Arnor. And bless you on the journey that you have ahead of thee. May the goddesses watch over the keep it real

Oh, I think that went really well. I he said he had nothing to say to you there at the end That usually he has all sorts of things to say to you and he's wants to kill you and he wants to get rid of you forever That was great. Yeah, you guys yeah, it goes real hero. Indeed. I guess so fucking cool I mean he's so big too. What? He's got some issues. He's got some issues. Name one.

I should cast a spell to grow his balls back. Oh, he would love that. Is that... Oh, should I run and get him? No, I just don't forget. I'll remember next time. Next time, he'll be cool for... Yeah, I'll get it.

Oh, here's what you do. Have some sort of like word association. So when you see our nor, right? Our nor rhymes with door. What do you do with a door? You close it, close, or what we wear. Wearing tear, tear a page, turn a page, turn butter churn. Butter on toast, toast ghost, Mary Bells a ghost,

and she'd love some balls. There you go. Perfect. Well, what a what a wonderful mnemonic device. I am certain now that I shan't forget that next time I see or not I show it a place all that was lost air for and know this now that we are free Free of the shattering that's right upon the road once again. We shall set to defeat evil in all its forms come friends Gather thine weapons and thine and nine packs and we shall set forth Com friends, although let's look at the window wait before we just head outside like I don't have to be that awkward thing where it's like Bye bye bye our nor by everybody and then we like oh we run into each other immediately like oh

We're both going the same way. Oh, yeah, he doesn't know direction so he might just be standing right outside the door Yeah, that's right. It's romptist little window and see he might accidentally come back in the door Not realizing that he's going in the wrong direction. Let's go out the back. Can we go at the back door? Yeah, we just got back Did he go out the door or did he go out the hole he put in the wall? Oh, I assumed he went out the back. Can we go out the back door? Yeah, we can just go out the back. Did he go out the door or did he go out the hole? He put in the wall. Oh, I assumed he went out the hole. Nobody watched him. No, I was I was too excited about the idea that he doesn't want to kill you anymore. Oh, he might. He just just got bored with it. Which honestly, I get it. Let's just let's go out this back door. Just to be safe. Yeah, let's just go out the back door. Oh shit, he's out here. Hey, aren't hard buddy. Well, you guys. Well, fancy seeing you here so soon. Yeah, I'm

just trying to get my bearings. You have that you have the bill on your face you should take down. Oh, I am sure. That um, so fancy seeing you guys here. Well, but a churn to every season, churn season of giving will fellows. I've decided maybe I should go through that hole that I created in the war and work my way back to lead you to the rebel. Oh, okay. All right. Well, we're gonna go out the other way. Yeah. So good luck with everything. Yeah. Fair will friends and Arnini can already do. Well, if you want go out the other way. Yeah, so good luck with everything. Yeah, farewell friends and onini, Kevin. You can already do it. Well, bye for a while too.

And please tell Lady Meribel, I said hello. I know she's a ghost. Ghost toast. What do you put on toast, butter, butter, churn? You turn a page. You could also tear a page. Where in tear? He's gone.

Where is what you do to close? Oh boy. Terra? He's gone. Where is what you do to close? Uh, oh boy. Fuck. Fuck. He's gone. Fuck. Balls. It's all right.

It's all right. Balls. I wish I could remember what I was supposed to do. Ah, balls, fucking balls. Fuck it, balls. Fucking balls. Oh, shit. You missed another opportunity to give him his balls back.

Oh, right. I'll do it next time. Thus endeth the shattering. So, all that shattering-specific merch you've been hawking on eBay just quadrupled in value. Especially those misprinted t-shirts that say the slathering. Which should come in handy at Milwaukee's famous pancake days, the third weekend of every August when the jam is runny. Use it all the wizards played by Mat Young. Chunk, the talking badger, was played by Adolfie.

Arnor, the legendary warrior, was played by special guest Blaine Swen. Blaine is the creator and director of the Improvise Shakespeare Company, which often features many of your favorite Improviseers playing alongside Blaine. Don't worry, he always kills their characters before the final crowd-pleasing monologue. Visit Improvisexpure.com for their schedule of shows, which will be helpful the moment shows are a thing again. In the meantime, we're only too happy to be your 4am hookup that O.A.S. answers the phone. Wicked of the Guard was played by Brian Safey.

Check out Brian's podcasts, attitudes, and Ask Ronna. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy. Post-production coordination including threatening emails to any voice recording artists who may be running behind schedule by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimi Lucas, this episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Special assistance, air quotes provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Hello from the Magic Tavern theme music by Andy Poland. Is it just me or is listening to an episode following the one that so prominently featured myself, kind of like rooting around in the dumpster behind Wendy's after dining in a Michelin restaurant?

Don't answer. Your eyes tell me everything. Ah!