Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 72 - Dead Turtle

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

Back at sea, our hosts are reunited with Hildy the thousands of years old turtle... maybe.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHildy Shiblin: Olivia NielsenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSea Shanty Theme: Arne ParrottYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Welcome back masses, well mass.

We've made it through, we've returned the gifts that were way off base, like prayer candles with each of the west world characters on them, D-D, and we're finally free to stare down the frozen abyss of winter without distraction. Remember all those plot developments just before the break? That means at least a few months of coasting on nothing but the charm of our status quo. In other words, lay yikes. But now the ocean beckons sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern at Sea! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fume. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, Chronicleing, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. A lot of shit has happened. We did a little bit of time traveling. We have escaped the shattering, and now we are back at sea on the SS Stephanie How boy John how much more stuff should I explain?

Happy earth birth to you. Is that how it goes happy earth birth to you? I think those are the lyrics. Happy Earth, birthday, dear. Armour. Armour. Happy birth, birth to you. Thank you, John. Thank you.

You said all your, your head is my birthday. And two more. Two more. Here, here are the wax sticks. All right. Oh. The great thing is every year, if you make it to that year, you get two more. I love that on earth, you put wax sticks in the cake

with fire to test someone's to see how strong their breath is. I think that's really smart. Yeah. Well, those candles really took it out of me. I love breathing on food, right? Earth-tutious, can I just say, it was so, and I don't think we've talked about it a ton. It was so magical and so incredible to be on Earth,

even though it was, what is it, 89? 1989, yeah. It was incredible. The TV shows I saw, the people I met, I met the Meyer store both brands of Doritos guys After 1989 there are more brands of Doritos. Wow Cool ranch. What about cooler ranch? How could it get cooler? Is there a coolest ranch? I mean maybe since I've been here. I've been here for several years just getting older and older. They must be focused completely on the cooling technology that brings down the temperature of each individual chip

until it is so cool that the churn took by the crystal in the iron very hand. I always thought they should have called it cool ranch-year. Ernie, I just want to thank you because that time on Earth I will never forget. And I feel like I know so much Earth stuff now. Well, what's some of the Earth stuff you remember? I mean, I spend most of that time as a mug. Oh, that's right. We just, boy, I miss young Arnie.

Young Arnie was so cool and so funny and so charming. Filled with potential. Chuck, I'm, use it or I'm young Arnie. No, no, no, no, no. We're talking about young Arnie. He was, he's just so handsome and dashing and like, I feel like I was kind of retuned at time so it was because, you know, I was trying to be protective

and he felt like my younger brother. And I just, I just love young Arnie. He's like my best friend. And Arnie, you're my best friend too, but I think it's tied between young Arnie and you or like my two best friends. You know, there's no better birthday gift than for people to talk about how much they liked you

better when you were younger. You know, I'd really like birthday gift than for people to talk about how much they liked you better when you were younger. You know, I'd really like to see the two of you team up. Yeah, you two should get together. Me and young me. Yeah. I go on a big adventure. Young Arnie and Kid Arnie. Fight and cry.

No wait, so which one am I? Kid Arnie? Young Arnie and Kid Arnie? Oh no, sorry. I was thinking of two young Arnie's fighting crime. Oh, I see. You weren't like a 13-year-old me, and then maybe like a 11-year-old me, and they go on in an adventure?

Yeah, and one of them sort of a no nonsense by the rules sort of Arnie, and the other ones like this free-wheeling Arnie. Now, maybe someday on an interlude. And Arnie, speaking of 1989, you're today, or this week, 89 and feeling fine. And to celebrate your 89th birthday, I tried to recreate something I loved on Earth. I made you my own special OEO. It's the two cookies stuffed with the white cream,

OEOs, so good. The cream I made, it's basically like dough, and I just put in some sugar to make it white. So here you go, it's basically like dough, and I just put it in some sugar to make it white. So here you go, it's a big ol' Oio. I mean, I love Oreos, thank you, Sean. I'm not, I don't think I'm gonna, I don't trust any cream you've made. Oh, Arnie, that's blue even for me, I would never.

But I also tried to recreate something from 1989 that I thought you would love. Batmania, yeah, I killed this giant bat. Put it on and go fight crime. Oh, you guys have not stopped talking about Batman since we came back from 1989. Oh, it's so good, though. It's so good. Wait until they get a load of me.

Ha ha ha! I get it. But look, Yus, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but Yusador Chant, we have to stop focusing on the pop culture of the 1980s when we were in the 80s. Some weird guy and planted something in my head. There's something in my head. I think that's the artifact.

I think that's the first time anyone said that. That does something in your head, get it? You sure that wasn't just a dream? Wait, what part? That's something in your head. Are you sure something's really in your head? Like, can't, that wasn't just a dream? Wait, what part? That's something in your head. Are you sure something's really in your head? Like, can't, do you want us to get, dig around in there and see what's in there?

Yeah, let me get in there. I've been asking to do it for years. No, no, no, stay away from my head. All right, but whenever you want, I will use my great magical powers to be a deep within my skull, extract this item and find out what magical purpose may be hid within it.

No thanks. Come on! You know, it's been a while since we've been on the SS Stephanie. It's been great to catch up with Fredrick and Jeffrey. Jeffrey. I don't have the same relationship with Jeffrey that you have. I can't call him Jeffrey.

Oh, Arnie, look behind you. There's Buggies peeking out of that barrel. That little per't call him Jeffy. Right. Oh, Arnie, look behind you. There's Buggy's peeking on that barrel. That little pervert. That's a weird pervy bear. Oh, and you know what? You know who we have and talk to, who I think has been on the ship the whole time. Oh, look, there she's over there.

Hildy, the ancient thousands of year old turtle. Oh, Hildy. Yeah, Hildy said best. Let's catch up with Hildy. Hey, Hildy. Hey. Was it? Hildy. Let's catch up with Aldi. Hey, Aldi. Hey Was it? He's like a shell. Aldi not back.

I think perhaps this shell has been Empty. Oh, yeah, this is a dead turtle. Oh look at this a little hat with a flower sitting there next to it Oh, look at this, a little hat with a flower sitting there next to it. Oh, you know. Oh. And there's a little note that says, I'm dying, it is out in finish. I wonder how it ends. What could it mean? Probably the G.

Oh, you have to know what it means, don't you? Uh-huh. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to spook you. I forgot how gorgeous I look in my ghostly form. Up here on the sea. Whoa! Oh, there you are. Hilli!

Hi, fellas. I forgot to tell you I moved. Are you a ghost? Yeah, I'm a little bit of a ghost. I'm just no longer in my physical form, but mentally, I'm just as there as I ever was. Oh, which is not very. Ha-ha.

Well, please come down from the ceiling and spend some time with us. We want to catch up with you even though you have moved into another plane of existence. Oh, yes, it's a very fast plane. I'll tell you what but fellas I can't recommend it enough. Honestly, I spent thousands of years avoiding the the biggest party I I never got invited to and it's called death. Oh, I'll be your ghost as old its teeth. I always had all my teeth. What are you talking about? Oh, right, wink, wink, right, of course. Can I ask, I don't know if this is Ruda, and I should say, my dad's a ghost, so hopefully

this isn't Ruda. How did you, how did you pass? Yeah. Well, it's actually, I wish it was a more exciting story than it is, but I just, I forgot to renew my physical form license. Oh, that's a bummer. Yeah, I know, honestly, it's all this paperwork. I thought, you know how it is.

I thought I switched it to the online version from the mail-in renewal, and then I forgot my password, and then to get back in, you need to have your password, which it's a broken system. Anyway, I forgot my password and then to get back in you need to have your password Which it's a broken system anyway. I forgot you renew anybody who lives under the water There's an online system where they'll send a fishing line down with the papers right so you don't have to come up Above surface. Oh, yeah, it comes down in the light But I just got this new phone and so it could they said they could send it to my to my foam Sorry foam they said they could send it to my, to my foam. Sorry, foam. Oh, sea foam.

Sea foam, yeah. And so it's just as easier, less, less, you know, waste with the wires coming in and out. Sure. That reminds me, I should also renew my physical form. I have been tardy in doing that. And I don't want to end up dead as well. Oh, well, you know, it's really up to you

because I thought the same thing, but honestly, it's a bigger party here than ever before. Well, it's, I mean sure, it'd be fun, and I have been dead before and come right back, but I have important work to do here on food. For there must be a champion who's willing to sacrifice everything to ensure that peace and happiness range or everything once the dark Lord is defeated. So I can't just leave just yet. Well, you know, about a year ago, I was briefly dead. When I got stabbed in the chest with the obsidian sword, and you said about you. How often you get to commiserate with other people about being dead, I know, John, you only almost died, so you can't be a part of this conversation.

Yeah, John, you've never been dead, so what the hell do you know? I still have a catapult on my arm. I feel like we don't need to be, you know, death Death exclusive. I'm sure there's been times that you you sat on your leg the wrong way and it felt like it was dead and You had a small funeral you buried it. It came back You know, I guess yeah, I guess we, I mean, I was a centipede once and several of my legs felt dead, so I did bury them. And, but when I changed back to a badger, I felt fine. See?

Shall we go up in there? If I had to have a funeral for my legs every time they fell asleep, I could never go to the bathroom. Here's a philosophical question that one, Ignores what Ani just said, and two. Chant, do you think it's possible that every time you change into a new creature, that old creature dies?

Whoa, what are you talking about? I mean, have you died more than any of us? Is each of your transformations in the sense a rebirth and a death of the previous creature? Oh my goddesses, I don't understand what you mean. Okay, don't worry about it then. I will say I'm lucky because I shift so much, I don't have to fill out those forms, keeping my body.

Arnie, have you filled out those forms? No, I've done almost no paperwork since I've been in fun. Ooh, buddy. Well, to be fair, I'm not sure what the, you know, the span is for you guys. For us, it's about every 350 years. So, you know, honestly, who could, I'm not sure what the, you know, the span is for you guys, for us, it's about every 350 years. So, you know, honestly, who could, I'm trying to market in my calendar,

but honestly, you know, things, the events build up for me. Sure. Okay, warning you're 89, so you got a little bit of time. I'm 40 something, 445, I think. Well, you're bad at math. So, Hildi, being a creature who's been around since the formation of Foon, this must be at least something new, right?

Something exciting? I'm sure it gets, there's the doldrums of being alive for so long that at least death is something exciting. Yes, oh, certainly. And, you know, for so long I was so caught up, I had so much pride. I've, oh, I Oh, I've never died. But also, there's so many rules you have to put on yourself. There's just all these things you've got to keep up appearances. And now I'm done with all that. I feel free for the first time in my life. Can I tell you how many husbands I have? Uh-oh, dish. None.

I don't get married anymore. Oh. Yes. And death relieves you of the previous husbands you did have. Exactly. But I'm making a lot of friends if you know what I mean. Oh. Oh, casual sex.

Oh, yes. You did say that it was quite a potty there in the afterlife. Oh, you believe me. It is half the time you're, bam, you're going through walls. Whoa, a strong wind. You know, everybody's cold. So who are you meeting now that you've passed on? And who are you wearing?

Sorry. And who are you wearing? Oh my gosh. Because that looks like a new shell. Oh, yes. It's de-orim. Thank you very much. And actually, just this morning, I...

It's too soon to speak of any of the dead. It turns out. But this morning, I saw Brittany Murphy at the grocery store. She looks good. So, so, so, Hildi, can you, um, just for those of us who haven't experienced it, can you describe what it feels to, to die, I guess, if that's not too morbid or too weird? Oh, no, of course. I mean, honestly, this is something that just should be talked about, you know? Like everything else that we need to learn about

in this life, what's it like to die? I'll tell you what, I think it must be a little different for everybody, but for me, I was in my shell, and then all of a sudden, I could feel tingles in my fingertips, or my toe tips. You understand? My talent tips, and then all of a sudden I heard Prince say hey, baby and then

Boom I was out of my shell. I was dancing. It was the biggest party. I've ever seen Which Prince there are so many princes in food. It could be any prince. Oh, it was a prince sweet prince Vantus He's still alive. We don't know that for sure. I think it was Prince Cornelius. He's the handsome one, right? Oh, yes. Very handsome, known for handsomeness. Yes.

Often he was called the handsome prince. Oh, one makes him so handsome. Or what made him so handsome? Handsome Prince is what we used to say when he walked by. The thing that made him so handsome was he was actually born as only half a person, so they had to copy the first half and reverse it, so he was perfectly symmetrical.

Oh. Half, half, you know, down the middle. You know, not half like top or bottom, half straight down the middle. So they're talking about that. Oh, that's a better, yeah, I was imagining it the other way, but that's better. What you're saying is better. Yeah, I was imagining it the other way, but that's better. What you're saying is better

Yeah, I didn't have legs on top and legs on bottom. Oh, I was imagining head on top head on bottom. That's fun too Yeah, oh, Arnie, what you're describing is a nightmare. Oh, yeah Well speaking of another nice thing about having passed into the The spooky realm is that you can actually adjust way more than you could before. You know, before I would get, oh, I'd get a new lipstick. I'd feel like a new girl. I'd clip my talons. Oh, I'm invited places. But here, you can adjust almost any part of you because the thing is that your ghostly

form is so squishy. I get my whole body done when I go to the salon. Oh. Now you know how I feel. Being able to shape shift and change different parts of my body feels very good. Yes, exactly. And oh, the thing is you've done with yourself. Oh, now you know how I feel being able to shape shift and change different parts of my body. Feels pretty good. Yes, exactly. And all the things you've done with yourself.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, let's see, I was at Polar Bear recently. What else was that? Oh, I was a skunk with a jacket, with a sleeves rolled up in sunglasses. Super cool. Oh, see, none of this I've asked for. I've said, I want huge eyelashes.

But I should get more creative, you're right. Well, no, you should follow your bliss and do whatever makes you happy. If you want huge eyelashes, then that makes you happy, then why not? That's what I want them so big that my eyes are way down, they can't be opened. And people will say, she can't see a thing,

but damn, she's beautiful. Hildi, do you have any control over it yourself? Like right now, could you make your eyelashes bigger? I've never tried that before. Here, look at me, tell me something's happening. Ahhhhh. A little bit bigger, yeah. You think so?

Just a little bit. Also, just ghost shit. Oh, oh yeah, that just happens sometimes. I don't eat anything, I don't know what's coming out. What is that? And it just flew away. I don't, maybe it's a baby ghost. Honestly, there's a lot of thing. No one explains things to you here. It's the only thing. You got to figure it out for yourself. Yeah, where do you think ghosts come from, honey? There have to be baby ghosts.

I guess so. That's true. Maybe some people are just born ghosts. The thing is they're very fast, so I never get to ask questions. So you said you've been seeing a few people in the afterlife. Anybody you want to talk about? Well, what are you guys rated? What are we who rated? D minus? Oh okay. You know before I was so worried about what the people that I was seeing or marrying, what it said about me. You know, so I was only going for the top, the crem de la crem, the princes, the popes, the you understand. And now I'm just, I'm seeing just about everybody.

Whoa. Yeah. Oh, well, that's very exciting. I had no idea that the afterlife was so open. I think that's wonderful that people find love when they need it, when they need it. It's, you know, have you ever seen a blobfish? I have not, I'm unfamiliar.

People have described it as the ugliest thing that was ever created. And it looks like it's got a floppy mouth, little BDIs. Anyway, his name is Henry. Oh Yeah, Arnie, I showed you a blog fish and you said it looked like Ziggy whatever that is. Mm-hmm. I love Ziggy Oh, I know what Ziggy is. I spent a few weeks in 1989. Oh sure So you know maybe his relative is Ziggy, but this one is named Henry. Okay. She plays the acoustic guitar Yeah, not a lot of people do that.

What are some of the other types of guitars in Fune besides acoustic? Oh, well you got your shellac. Uh-huh. You have majestic guitar. Mm-hmm. Majestic guitar. Acoustic. Realistic.

Fantastic. Elastic. Oh, that's always hard for me. My hands are too small. Hydro-matic. Systematic. Guitar-lightening. What else? Fantastic elastic. Oh, that's always hard for me my hands are too small hydromatic Systematic guitar lightning. What else that's about all of them. I think those are it so Bob seems pretty cool Oh blob his name is Henry though. Oh, sorry. Would you prefer I called him blob or Henry? Probably Henry blob gets to sort of a little private thing that we have going

Probably Henry Blob gets is sort of a little private thing that we have going on Oh Yeah So do you think you and you know you're seeing other people it sounds like you're particularly drawn to Henry Do you think there's a long something long term there or are you developing feelings? I'm different. I'm finding new feelings that I've never had before tell you what yes, but You know, I don't know it, it's exhilarating being with someone so ugly, you know what I mean? Have you ever had this experience?

It's like he just doesn't care. I haven't had that experience, but I've dated a few people who have. Oh, I think they call that dating down. So, Hildi, if I may, you're an underwater nine, would that be fair to say? Oh, thank you. Yeah, but the scale is a little different, out of two.

Nine out of two. And Henry, is he like an underwater one or like a land five? Like, what does he? Oh, he's a land mine. Yeah, he's just, he's deep down under, and if you get near him, he'll just explode. And you'll regret it. It's what I used to think, but honestly,

I get that you got to give land mines a chance. But to think, but honestly, I get that you've got to give landmines a chance. The heavens the most blobs, you get an air-m-day explode. It's very typical. I've always thought of myself as a volcano 3. Really? I forget the volcano scale. Well, it's just hot as hell in there. So if you're 3, you're doing pretty damn good really good. I've always thought of myself as a Fox Force 5. Good one. So, so, so, Hildi, now that you're free of your Corp. or your form and you're meeting new people, are you going on new adventures together? Are you usually like cruising through the seas?

Have you seen any other new places? Oh, yes, thank you so much for asking. Yeah, well, one of my favorite things about my corporeal form was the cruise ships. And actually, they don't let you buy tickets for cruises if you're a ghost. I don't know something about health code. I'm not really sure. But the nice thing is that I can just hitch on to rides whenever I feel like it, including the kind of...

They're like birds. they're machine birds, they sit on the water and, wow, they fly off. Oh, for a second there, it up. I don't know. Let's, we're going to close our eyes and you describe, do you want to go ahead and describe what you're talking about? Okay, it's a huge metal bird, but instead of a beak, it's got, it's got two sticks and wow, wow, wow, they're spinning in a circle.

And then the sticks fly so fast in their circle that the bird leaves the water and goes up into clouds. I can't. I'm trying to imagine that bowing. that the bird leaves the water and goes up into clouds. I can't. I'm trying to imagine but Boeing. Okay, well, your attention span is so short these days. It's a bird. Am I not being clear? Oh, no. You're talking about a giant metal bird. It sounds like a terrifying machination

created to fly through the air. I can't imagine such a terrible thing, except for that I've spent some time in 1989 and I saw the bat wing. Oh my gosh, what was that like? It's a little man who sits in a little disc and flies through the sky, so I think it's like that. Oh Santa Claus, we've heard of him. He ran for office down here. He did? Oh yes, he narrowly lost. He lost. Yeah, it was to me I was I was in office for yeah 400 years. Oh

What what position I never knew that you held such an esteemed office. Oh, yes, I was the Duke. Oh I ran for Duke and I won the Duke of the ocean the Duke of the ocean. Oh what a wonderful position That is funny. Yes, do the Duke of the ocean has many amazing powers is deciding when the tides come in Which of course affects when the moon is full or When it wanes and waxes Exactly. So a lot of busy work Well, and also the one of the more fun parts about being the Duke is, you know, every year people, people with their

two legs, they try to guess how deep the ocean is. They put all their guesses into a bucket. And the Duke actually gets to pull out the one that we say is the ocean's depth that year. Oh. I had very short arms, so, you know. It's still a fun event. Oh, I thought so.

It kept me busy for 400. For 100 years, I assume? Oh, yeah. Arnie, what's the, I don't know if we saw much of the infrastructure of Earth who were there. Is there something similar to a Duke on Earth? Well, there is, there's something called a Duke, but I wouldn't say that it's similar to the Duke.

I mean, there's groundhogs. Do you remember that time that young Ani sang that song? It was really cute because he was trying to sing with such a deep voice, and he kept singing. Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Oh, Duke, Duke of Oh, Duke, Duke of Oh, Duke, Duke. And he was dancing in his own bedroom, and it was just the dumbest thing I've ever seen. But so adorable, so sweet. Guys, and you're just the dumbest thing I've ever seen, but so adorable, so sweet. Guys, and you're just- Stop talking about young me.

I'm slightly older me. This is- Yes, I'm your buddy, I'm your friend. Stop talking about my early work. Yes, we like you. We love stuff now. Ony, we like you and we like young Ony and we can't wait for the two of you to meet.

Oh, have you tried cracking Arnie open? What? No. Oh my god, it says that Oh, have you tried cracking Arnie open? What? No. Oh my god, this is such brilliant. If we crack Arnie open, there's surely a young Arnie inside him. Right, exactly. Arnie, you always talk about the child, didn't you? You always say, this brings out the child in me.

Yeah, man, this is a metaphor. Open your mouth. Let us take a look. No. Open your mouth. No. Hello. Hello.

Let me get inside that head stop yelling Someone down there. Hey, we're gonna take a quick break while I get inside the Vonnings head Then we'll head back say nothing if you're down there There's something in there I'll drop it for now, but I will get that kid out. Hang in there, young Arnie. We're coming for you one day. I haven't tried going inside of someone's body yet, but I can go through walls.

I don't know. I just don't want to get dirty. Oh my gosh. Are you suggesting you want a Patrick Suasie me? Uh. Well, you may not know what that is. On my world, ghost can Patrick Swayze someone where they jump into them and they'll talk as them briefly. But on my world, ghosts have to work really hard to move a penny up a wall.

This is totally unfair. We saw the preview for ghosts when we were watching Batman, but it doesn't come out for another year. Yeah, as far as I know, what Patrick Swayze is, is someone who you thought would be bigger. Oh, God, it's his dammit. I would be so sad. for ghosts when we were watching Batman, but it doesn't come out for another year. Yeah, as far as I know, what a Patrick Swayzee is, is someone who you thought would be bigger. Oh, God is his dammit. I wish this is why I wish we had workshops down here, because I do not know what the hell

and or you people are talking about. It's all right. We spent some time traveling through space and time, so we are privy to arcane knowledge beyond that of Foon's own history. But you want to possess Arnie's body and try to talk through him? Oh, I could give that a shot. No one's ever let me before, not even Henry. Well, Arnie will let you.

Yeah, I'm lazy. I'll let you do whatever. Oh, okay. Just look around when you're inside and you look around and you can tell them that there's no little me in me. Okay but I'm not sure that they'll be able to hear me from outside so I'm going to talk through your mouth if that's okay. Alright. Oh and when you go under let us know if he's in danger girl.

Okay. There she goes. Oh. Oh it's very interesting here. I'm healthy. What do you see? Whaty, what do you see? What do you notice in Hildy? Tell us about all about it.

Oh, I see a wizard and I see a skunk. And I see the ocean. I don't know though, I just feel so tired all of a sudden. And I feel, there's a pain, there's a pain like in my chest, but higher up like there's almost like a fluid is coming up into the back of my throat. Uh-huh, I wonder what that is. Maybe it's, maybe, maybe young Arnie turned liquid.

Oh no. Liquid Arnie. Lacwarny. Lacwarny if you're in there come out. Either end, doesn't matter. Just get out of there. Hilly, you get out of there too. Being inside of Arnie's making you less interested.

Oh my god. Oh, that was really something. Oh my gosh. Apparently being possessed gives me acid reflux. Oh, that tastes disgusting. You know, you really shouldn't need so many tomatoes. It's acidic and it really is just not good for your digestive system.

I know and there's no priori second food. Oh, see, I don't even know who that doctor is, but if you need a physician, you let me know. I knew a good one for a long, long time. Oh, which doctor did you go see? Oh, I saw Dr. Spock. Spockenopoli. Yeah.

Dr. Spockenopoli. Yeah. Oh, well, that saw Dr. Spock. Spock and Opily. Yeah. Dr. Spock and Opily. Yeah. Oh, well that's good. And you would recommend Dr. Spock and Opily for Arne as well. I would. I'm not sure if he sees people of your size. He's a malice, but he could give it a shot. It just might take a very long time for you to be seen. Does he live way down deep in the ocean? Oh he does. Usually you can find him under the rock. Ah, yes. Yes, but you see the thing is, I really, it'd be difficult to get on and down there. We could do it. It would take a lot of magic, but he should probably see a land doctor.

Oh, right. I always forget about you in your tiny, tiny little pink lungs. Yes. Oh. I just learned that word. I'm doing night school. Oh. You're doing night school in the afterlife?

I am. I've always wanted to try it. You get a horse, you get a sword, you take vocab lessons. I have to ask a question. If you have the vast everlasting infinity of the afterlife, why go to night school? Why not just go to school? Why do you have to restrict your stuff to doing it at night? What are you doing during the day?

No, no, she's studying to be a night. Yeah, they wouldn't let turtles be nights. Ah, I see. Because they're like armor on top of the shell. What are you talking about? Right, and there's all these sort of speed restrictions, which honestly, I am much faster now than I'm past. Look at me. Look at me go. Wow, it's a blower. It's almost kind of scary.

Back on the ceiling. And when you move, you have this sort of jittery motion. It's like, it's kind of unsettling. Like your limbs move. It's really weird. It's like a scuttle. Yeah. It's the only way I know. Well, it's quite impressive. You can move very quickly now I'm sure you'll make a fabulous night. I really hope so. I must ask if you do graduate from night school Would you consider becoming the first ghost night in the army that I am raising to defeat the dark Lord? Yeah, we shall gather all the forces that takes to defeat evil in all its forms and you could lead a ghost vanguard. How long do you think it would take? Well, it's kind of been a slow burn, honestly. I'm trying to get some people together for the last few decades.

You know why don't you see me, and we can pencil it in, and then if I can't do it, I just I'll let you know. Okay. No offense. It's just a word fun. That's fine. I don't know where I am one day. Yeah, you're on schedule. And you're on schedule.

That's great. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Okay, but I love what you're doing. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, no, it's really exciting. Oh, thank you.

See, Arnie, see, male is a thing. I guess so. Hey, hey, hey, what do you want us to do with this dumb old body? Should we throw it off of the side of the boat? Booter! Whoa, whoa, whoa, dumb old body! I'm sorry, you're not using it anymore, like, you're... Please have some respect.

You can see the whole shell is inscribed with beautiful, but poetry and prose. Here I'm just gonna pick this body up and put it on my knee and if you don't mind. Oh, yes, so, yes, so, yes, so, yes, so, yes, so yes, so yes, so yes, so yes, so yes, so yes, it's about free. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? Just because I'm a little cloud of a girl, now it doesn't mean that I don't feel nostalgic

about the thousands of years that I used to live in that little house. How then best shall we lay your remains to rest? I feel like we got a Marie Kondo, your body. Uh, what? You want her to be into a Kondo? Hold on to your body and think, is keeping this going to bring me joy? Oh, okay.

Oh, I do love this body. I've had so many great memories in here. Did you guys see that little spark? What was that? Yeah, it seems like if you just fill out the paperwork, you could maybe be alive again. So, you know, you kind of, I think you got to kind of decide, do you want to bury this body and move on and just be a ghost? Or do you want to spend a few thousand more years being alive? But keep in mind, it's all right to get rid of things you don't need anymore. You don't want to be

a body hoarder. Yeah, if you touch the body and it doesn't feel like you wanna go back into it, you can just sink to yourself like, ooh, I'm on a berry this girl, right? And get rid of it. As a berry let's see, like we can dispose of it for you. Right. Quickly, shut, ony, take my hands. Okay, those are so wet. Why are your hands always so wet?

Hold my hands, hold my hands, I'm thinking. No, I'm gonna keep you. Oh, oh, we spoke joy. Yeah, you spoke joyd me. Oh, thank you so much. That's good, I'm just gonna hold my hands. I'm thinking. No, I'm gonna keep you. Oh, oh, we spoke joy? Yeah, you spoke joy to me. Oh, thank you so much. That's good. I'm just gonna hold my shell. Okay. Oh, okay. Well, I've had a lot of fun in you.

I've heard that before. Then I'd have to say goodbye to Henry. Oh, but can I be honest? Of course, please. I've been asked to grace the covers of several magazines and... Honestly, I'm just not sure that Henry would... Oh, I hate to say this. Keep people's vomit inside of their bellies.

Okay, fine, I'll do it! Oh, oh, you will. I'll do it, I'll leave Henry. He's disgusting. Yeah fine I'll do it. Oh oh you will. I'll do it I'll leave Henry. He's disgusting. Yeah I was gonna say. He's a freaking blobfish and I'm a I'm a 10 out of two. I'll say it. Yeah he looks like Ziggy. Get the hell out of there. Right and I'm a a frack. I'm a negative fraction. I'm holes holes in fractions. No. You understand. Yes. Whatever you're saying, I'm sure makes perfect sense. Okay, okay, I'll fill out the paperwork. Honestly, I disagree with the whole system, but I'll do it just this once.

Oh, and, uh, Hilly, I know to fill out the paperwork, you probably need a corporeal form. And that's how a lot of ghosts don't get back into their body as they can't hold a pin. So why don't you, um, watch you, uh, pop inside of me, and if you, uh, feel comfortable with that, and I'll hold a pin pin and I can sign the forms for you. Oh fantastic. Do you have acid reflux because I don't know that I can go through that again? Nope. Okay great. I'll be right inside. I have the forms right here. This is gonna make a great podcast.

I love it when people fill out forms here. Just use my back. Here we go. Ali. Oh, Mr. Oh! Oh! Mr. Chefy-Held. Okay, I'll be back in here. I'll just tilt that out real quick. All right, very good. And about the eye, healthy.

It's a wild, how much different vocal cords affect Heldy's voice. Oh, you noticed. Ah. Uh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know this. Ah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that was a wild ride. Oh my gosh, thank you for letting me use your pen, Mr. Chef, field. I really like that you named them.

I named all my pens. Can I just say something to you? And I don't want it to feel too cryptic, but you really should get someone to look at your, you know. My buttholes? Your bunghole, yeah. You're always asking people to look at your, you know. My buttholes? Your bunghole, yeah. You're always asking people to look at your buttholes. Yeah, but maybe this time you should see Dr. Pinnocka, Spinnock, Spocketnapple.

Anyway, I'll write it down for you. It's very hard to say and spell. Well, now that we have these forms, all I have to do is cast a ruin over them and you'll be back in your body. I think the ruin will, you know, file them with the correct offices. Oh fantastic. Uh, Flotus, before we go, do you, do you want me to take a look in there? I mean, just while I still have this cloud figure. Inside of me?

Yes, I think everybody could use more than a yearly checkup. The system is really messed up. Oh, sure. Why don't you hop on in? Okay. I'm getting good at this. Oh? Okay, I'm getting good at this. Oh, yeah, I am very good at this. This is so nice to be in here and to see, oh, you can feel really the power coursing through this one. He's got all these like, it's tingley bits,

but it's a different kind of tingle. It's not the dead tingle, it's like a magic tingle. I like it, but I gotta get outta here. Oh, you know what, I didn't quite get in there. Maybe we, maybe we, maybe we, maybe we, Wait, that was me? Oh, yeah, that was all you. Huh, well, what do you know?

You said I've never seen you so happy. I think your anticipatory system is broken. Can I ask Keldie, and I obviously you've only been a ghost for a short period of time, so maybe you don't know. Is there such a thing as a reverse Patrick's Waze? Uh, honestly, this is the first time hearing of this technique, and I would love to learn how to do it. Who would you explain?

Like I was just wondering if like, can a, on a live person possess a ghost? Oh my god. Or could you put a corner in a baby? You can put a corner in a baby, I've seen it done, but you have to know that there is no going back. Or could you put someone's throat back in with your bare hands? So what you're saying is you want to see one of us be the one who possesses hildes ghostly fold. Yeah, I mean, I don't even know if that's a thing, but you know magic. I mean, you can give it a try if you want to. I am quite porous.

Oh, I was thinking someone else would, I mean, you're the one that brought it up. All right, here I go. Oh, back up. I just feel like I mean, you're the one that brought it up. All right, here I go. Ooh, back up. I just feel like, like what is the physical comic? All right, let's see here. Let me just, gonna put my little hands together in a diving symbol.

Nothing with Arnie getting her running star is gonna end well. What, so if this doesn't work? Just jumping to me, Arnie. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh, it's almost, it's my, it's my birthday.

Oh. It's on your head. Yep, that's Arnie. That's how much like it. And the 80s I was little. Definitely, Arnie. Yeah, Arnie, say some more stuff only Arnie would do. Oh, um, my acid reflux is triggered by, I'm, I'm most nervous about telling which chantour

you said or who is my best friend. And the truth is it's neither. Oh, Arnie, Arnie. My best friend is young me. Oh, I can, I can, that makes sense. He's cool. What's four plus four? Wouldn't you like to know? That's Arnie. So where does that so weird to to just see a ghost with no Arnie? And Arnie's, I mean,

three times the size of Hildi. This is wild. How is he fitting in there? You know, other planes of existence, they tend to mess with time and space and mass. Arnie, do you see anything inside the ghost? Kind of like what the ghost did to us. You know how hill they checked out our forms? Anything you see? Oh, let me look around in here. Oh my goddesses, her heart. What's wrong with it?

Is it broken? Oh, it's humongous. There are another organs in here. She hasn't been eating or digesting or breathing. She's just got a big, all hard. Yeah, when you're a ghost, you don't need all that other shit. I guess that's true. I mean, she's alive again.

Maybe you can help her organs go back to normal. We don't know. I guess so, but what I'm saying is that she's beautiful. Oh, I see. Inside and out. Wow. So you're an. Inside and out. Wow. So you're a you're an underwater nine and in internal ten. I guess she is. Our literal heart is what makes her love. Oh, that's beautiful. That's gorgeous. Wow. Get out of that. Oh, I have to say

that was very uncomfortable. Oh yeah, it was a little, it was a tight squeeze, but there's just so much heart in there. It was beautiful. Yeah. You're apparently all hot inside. Well, that makes a lot of sense. If you weren't dead, I would have that checked out. Yeah, no, it doesn't sound good.

It's very disconcerting. Yeah. And Henry's a cardiologist, so I should really have him take a look. But I guess we're gonna be ending things What is what is it like to be a ghost cardiologist? Cardiologist. Oh, okay, that answers my question Well, I can I can file this paper work anytime you're ready to be back in your body So if you want to wait a while and go talk to Henry first after this episode we'll understand I can take care of it next week

No, you know what? I think this is a good time I think this is a great time to do it surrounded by friends. And you know what? Honestly, he can still haunt my dreams. You know, sometimes that's a nice way for people to stay in touch. That's lovely. Yes. It's never easy to get this news that your someone that you're seeing suddenly in the middle of the night came back alive. Okay. Just need a little blood to throw this room here

on this paperwork and... It's a flame! And it has been filed with the correct offices. Oh, thank you so much for helping me. I don't know how I would have found Mr. Shuffield by myself. Yeah, you're welcome. Do you want to keep this pen for yourself? Uh, thanks.

I can't hold it quite yet. Just throw it to the bottom of the ocean. I'll find it someday. I could put it in your dead body's hand. Oh, yeah, that would be great. Yeah, you would go up with a pen and hand. Should be backing your body any time now. Oh.

Oh, I think it's happening. I think it's happening. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, oh, yeah, there you go. Kelly, here, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, It seems like a lot of your muscles have atrophied. How long were you dead? Oh, it's hard to say anywhere from six months to 59 years. Hmm, well, for that range you look beautiful. I think you're not a lot of three out of nine.

Okay, I'm a third of the way there. I'll take your word for it. So, Hilde, I'm excited that you're alive again. Oh, me too. You know, I have a lot of people to contact. Oh, really? Like, who do you need to contact? Well, you know, I was a little naughty after I passed and so I was really haunting a lot of people who sort of

semi-wronged me to full-on-wronged me. So I have some apologies to make. Oh, okay. Should we do some emails? Chant, we haven't done any. I don't think we should do any emails, Arnie. You know what I think we should do? Say it. What?

Say it. You say it, sure. Say it. Say it. Seemails. Yeah, baby. Oh yeah, baby. Do some seemails.

I'll go first. Here I have a seemail. This is from Dogecon. Dogecon says, hello from Turkey. Oh, that's nice. Well, hello from Badger. Names Dogecon. Okay, Dogecon says, hello from Turkey. Oh, that's nice. Well, hello from Badger. Name's Dogecon, okay, Dogecon the Turkey, and I love the podcast. I'm confused about one thing, though.

If Yusudor is a 12th realm of Ephesius, how can Spintax be the Wizard of 3rd, 9th, and 12th realms of Ephesius? Huh. Yeah. Yusudor, are you only the Wizard of 1 realm? Well, hello from Wizard, and I just want to say that, you know, wizards are all tied to different realms of power, and the realms of Ephesians, the 12th realm of Ephesians, is where the multitudes of dimensions that deal with light and shadow are mostly contained. And you know, light and shadow also thematically fit in with truth and lies, which is the spin-tax's source of power.

And also, he's probably lying about the other two because he's a liar. He's a big fan. Wow. Stupid liar. It's right there in his powers, there. Don't believe anything that idiot says. I mean, I heard a rumor recently that he's back in food He's not on earth anymore. What? Yeah, spin-tax is dicking around on food and not helping anyone

Yeah, isn't Santa supposed card or anything? I know I Speaking of people sending us messages. Let me see if I have any Seemails here. Oh shit. I have hundreds and I have, I should open up my email more often. Okay, uh, this is a while. It has been a while, I'm sorry. Speaking of postcards, Hildi, I just realized something. I got a ghost card a few weeks ago and that must have been from you.

It just said hello, come visit soon. Was that you? Oh, yes, sorry. You know, I know people visiting people when their dad is a little freaky is a little freaky, but I was very into it at the time. Sounds threatening. If you still want to die, I'll see if I can reverse this paperwork, but I make no promises.

Like last week, you sent me a message that said seven days. Oh, yeah, we had sort of a surprise party planned for you. For my birthday? Yeah, for your birthday. Well, that's nice. Yeah, your death day was going to be the same day actually because I like things nice and neat. Oh, happy death day.

Uh, let's see here. I got a email here. This one's from back in September. So some of this might be a little outdated, but hey, Arnie, Chant and Yucidor. Despite Yucidor's horrendous pronunciation of the word Artifact, it made me come to a strange realization. Is it at all possible that the last artifact needed to defeat the Dark Lord is actually an Arne effect? Like the boy wonder himself, could this sword Arne combination actually have created the perfect tool to take down the Dark Lord. Maybe the secret to defeating the Dark Lord is not on the outside, but rather what's on the inside. Little Arnie. Specifically

a sword, specifically an Arnie. Thanks and hope all stay well in your world, Ryan. I mean, staff, right? Some of that seems very prescient, but some of that is just wrong, right? Like, for one thing, I don't even have that obsidian sword in me anymore. It's out. Where the fuck did Prussian come from? You've been sitting on that word the whole time? Prussianed? Based on the novel?

I don't know. I woke up this morning and I was like, there's gonna be an opportunity for me to say the word Prussian later today. And it's gonna be spot on. Well, this person who sent us a email is correct, the secret is within you, let me get in that brain.

Yeah, we haven't, we've been avoiding talking about it too much, but whatever this thing, this person from Earth, implanted in my brain is, from what I heard him saying to this weird creepy guy, it's projecting my consciousness. You know, I don't talk about it that much, but for the last few years, I've been having more and more dreams

about being back on Earth. In Chicago, are those real? I mean, they're jumbled and confusing, and I don't really remember them that often. I mean, I'm not really a dream guy. I mean, maybe I should keep a dream journal or something. I mean, are some real and some are not. Let's get to the meat of this.

I think whatever he implanted in me is actually sending my consciousness to earth. I think that's what the dark lord wants. The dark lord wants this thing in my head. And you're a ghost on earth, possessing bodies and making pottery in the sexiest way possible. And it's projecting your consciousness, so your consciousness is blaming others for things that you do? And still tweeting. Wow. Something like that. I mean, look, it's just a theory.

But why would the dark lord want that? I don't know. He has shown interest in invading earth and having access to other realms, perhaps he thinks this is his way to take over places other than this plane of existence. I'm so sorry, I wish I had known about this before I was just checking in on your acid reflux if there had been like a microchip scenario. I really, I would have checked in about it.

But again, you should see Dr. Spock and Opily, he could really check it out. Does he ever do land calls? He might, again, it takes him a very long time, but the thing with mollusks is you just got to like throw like a frisbee or something down there, make sure he latches on. It could take two to three years, but if the frisbee comes back up, people clean, you know, beaches all the time. Okay. Yeah, if we make an appointment for two to three years from now,

that feels like on track for how this podcast progresses. I think that's great. How's his C bedside manner? He's very quiet, but polite, not warm, but you know, he gets the job done. He's a mollusk. And is he working up to be a sturgeon? Or, you know, he won't listen. You know what? I've asked he won't say Well, we'll contact him tomorrow, but Hildi tonight we dance Will you please bless the three of us with a dance to celebrate your body? Of course I would be honored and if you don't mind would you just do a little tempo check on my legs? Here we go And the three and the four and there are a whole thing. She's so fast You don't mind would you just do a little tempo check on my legs? Here we go. And the three and the four and there are holes in the ring. She's so fast.

Oh! Wow! I still got it, boys. Now tell me that wasn't like molasses. Wow. Turtles are the sexiest creatures I know that I swear to God. That was one of the most erotic total dances I've ever seen. Oh, and speaking of molasses, I need to get my butthole checked.

Dr. Spock and Apple, I'm telling you. You sir, you clearly have never seen Master of Disguise. Oh, I know what dance we could do. What's all to do to bad dance? Ha! It almost sounds like the Dark Lord is hunting down the Transmitter I stuck in Arnie's brain so that his consciousness could power that robot Arnie still wandering around Ohio. Luckily, none of that matters as I'll be tracking down and deleting every copy of this transmission, to make sure the word Arnie fact never makes it to the Universal Zite Geist. Yeah, that's the hill I'm dying on.

Use it or the run-on sentence was played by Matt Young, chunked to the shape-shifting interruption was played by Adolfaia. Hildi, the ghost of a thousands of years old, Turtle was played by special guest, Olivia Nielsen. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Nekamp, Mat Young and Adolfaia. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. See Shanti version of the Hello from the Magic Tavern theme song by Arnie Parrott. Special assistance provided by Ryan to... did I do that one already? Well, surely there's enough time to once again express gratitude for assistance that was most likely rendered years ago. Oh boy, we had one shot to make our first impression for 2021 and this was it. Now, who wants 10% off their purchase of a website or domain?

Too bad, the advertising was at the beginning of the show. If at all, I don't know how cookies work, but remember this. The next time you provide assistance, make it to Georgie's style assistance. Make it special. you