Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 73 - The Potential of the Night (w/ Aunty Donna)

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

A night of tavern-hopping with a king, a wet rag and a lizard.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKing Zachy: Zachary RuaneWet Towel with Legs: Mark Samual BonannoLizard Jim: Broden KellyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Welcome to the beginning of the transmission. Or, for me, the excruciating 40-minute countdown until I'm once again forced to thank Ryan DeGeorgie for whatever vague, detailed, free assistance he apparently provides on a weekly basis. But hey, it's the new year and we're back in a tavern. That's right, it's happening! It and we're back in a tavern. That's right, it's happening. It's the thing you've been waiting for. It's like when the Mandaloreans says this is the way. It's what you wanted, right? Well, it's mostly what you wanted,

except it's another side quest episode, and then Boba Fett shows up in a bathrobe. By the way, I've been binging your Earth science fiction over the winter holidays, and wow, you get a lot wrong. For starters, laser blasts aren't fast, they don't go pupew, they're slow, they're patient, and they'll follow you for years until the day you get sloppy. But I know the look of someone who's losing interest, I'm looking in a mirror, so sit back and enjoy the Show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun.

I'm your host Arne E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the burger king that I used to upload this podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. And, oh, it's been like, at least half a year,

but we are in a tavern again for the first time, and I'm just happy to be hanging out with you buds in this tavern. Oh, and I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby, we're back at these taverns, tavern boys. Yeah, it's been a while since we've been to the Bolegged Moose. Is that the name of this tavern, right?

Mm-hmm, Bolegged Moose. Across the street, of course, is the sacrilegious Pelican. And this whole, this is like a bit of a university town. So there's bars everywhere, taverns up and down the street. You know, when I went to college, a long time ago in my world, in a little town called Athens, Ohio, there were like 21 bars on one street. There was just like, it's like just one street with just bars. You go into one,

if your buddies weren't in there, you'd be like, no, maybe I'll go to the bar next door, maybe they're in there. That was the kind of earth story that I thought you would find interesting. Yeah, no, it was good. And you know what? I just assumed it wasn't over because it seemed like something might happen in the story. I was trying to get across the potential of the night. You know what I mean when you're...

Arnie, that sounds like the title of a one-man show. Arnie Neekhamstars in The Potential of the Night. Mm-hmm. Can we see a scene from that, or a monologue, or at least a better story? Okay, all right, so. Do a monologue in 16 bars of the night. Can we see a scene from that or a monologue or at least a better story? Yes, so do a monologue in 16 bars of a song. Okay, all right, oh boy, not musically educated enough to know exactly how much 16 bars are, but that's all right. You sure could you magically put a spotlight on me?

Of course. A Rothkart! Oh, do you have to have it coming out of my mouth? Yes. So, stop talking! Look, we're gonna have to post a warning that there is a strobe effect if you keep talking while the light is coming out of your mouth. And scene. Oom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom-doom- and get into it. Oh hold on, hold on lights. Sorry I'm opening my mouth lights.

Seen, so now it's done. No, no. I'm turning on the lights. Jazz us crost! And end, but a snake eating its own tail, the end is the beginning or a Boris. Wow, this college town. There's a bar next door to another bar. The potential of this night.

And scene, that's the end one. Arnie, how come every time you act, you smoke a fake cigarette? I gotta use them for something. I just have this bag full of fake cigarettes. Don't worry, ask me to workshop one of my one-man shows. I just like to pull one of them, and the cigarette is out. Use it or what do you've been up to? I have been traveling from town to town, looking for any bit of arcane knowledge that might help us in our great quest to defeat the Dark Lord and destroy his evil ways.

Now let's just grab a guest at random, Euceroncides don't wanna dive into that. Nobody. It seems like a lot of the same magical secrets in our quest. Oh, these magical secrets are so tantalizing. Don't you want to hear about my magical secrets? No, because you never started with you always say magical secrets You know you never just start with what it is if you start with the detail in the first sentence I would really want to hear more Arnie yes, you're interrupting usadores one man show. Oh, that's right I've stopped the strobe effect keep that light on him Here's a secret.

There's a secret. A secret that only I know of such great magical power that if air it will reveal. Oh, low. Oh, how the children cry. Cry, cry, cry. That's right. When I was only seven years old, I cried myself to sleep every night. Oh, the days that got went by as I did cry in my small crib. Even though I was born as a full grown man with a beard and a robe and great magical powers. Oh, how I would cry though, and say, Mother, Mother, Mother are you there? Can you hear me? Mother, I'm crying, Mother! And now did she come?

Before I have no mother, for I was born into this world from a conspiracy of burn and rain and wind and fire that said there must be a champion. And then did step forth, Yusunor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulitor of Magical Lights,

Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus, the elves nobius fiend, Yaluk, the dwarves nobius, zone of new extendjes, and I am known in the North East as gasmaniac maestar, and mother, mother, can you hear me? Seen. Wow, wow lights.

Yeah, let's get to a guest. That was long. Hey, I'm just gonna grab some, look this guy, this guy's got like a really fancy outfit on and a, what looks like a crown. Excuse me, sir, would you mind joining our table? Yes, hello there, I think you'll say much for having me. Oh, it is a pleasure to have you, your majesty. I see that you're in a crown, You must be a powerful king or a prince. I have not had the pleasure yet to meet thee.

Ah ha ha ha, yes, I was once a prince for sure. But now I am king. King of a domain greater than the lands you have seen. Greater than anything you have known. I am a king from faraway land. My name is King Zeki. Oh, King Zeki. No, that you said all, doth take me for thee.

You radiate very believable privilege just to be able to be like, I know nothing about what you've seen, but I know what I come from is greater than any of that. Yes, absolutely. I don't know what you've seen at all, but I know that it is greater. For I own all of it, I live in a castle, a great big castle with a palace in the middle, and I've not seen many of my lands, but the logs they come and they tell me it's all mine. Oh, that's impressive.

That's almost as impressive as your voice. Can I ask King and I don't mean to be rude or make assumptions? But all of the kings I've known that have a name ending in Y or IE tend to be little boys. Yes, absolutely. You must understand. My name was King Zechara, but Zechia was a name given to me by my name. It took and now that is my name, the local press have used it initially

to tease me, to bring me down, but I have chosen to take it and make it my own. Well, it's a wonderful name and I must assume that you are a good king who is kind to all the subjects, for if you are, know that Yusador's sword and Yusardor's magical staff shall be used in your good name. Yes, I'm kind to all of my subjects and I have the heaps. How many subjects do you reckon I have? Let me guess, let me guess, let me guess, let me guess, um, 400. Don't wait until you answer, we gotta all have a shot at this. Let's do, we wanna do prices, right rules, which is from my world, you don't wanna go over. Yeah, I recognize it's good.

So how does that work exactly? We don't have prices right in my life. Oh, well, basically what it means is you wanna get as close as possible, but for some reason you don't wanna get over. Like it could be one person over and that's wrong. Oh, aren't you? So you're saying if someone's 20 off below,

but you're one off above, the person 20 off below wins the prize. Or is that? If someone is like negative 70, like if they, their guess is negative 70, and the other person is half a person over, that they're still wrong. Why are we?

So one guess negative 70 subjects? Are those ghosts? Are your subjects 70 ghosts? I have my subjects. So how everything you could possibly imagine. I have ghosts subjects, people subjects, animal subjects. I even have clang subjects where they've taken part of me and recreated it. It's a wonderful thing. Hold on. Everything's one of your subjects. What about history sure? Yeah, yeah, wait, is that a yeah social studies? I do say I should well now I only I see I see there's a misunderstanding here

You're talking of what I've read well you see when you're a king you're only read of wealth and of your kingdom. I know all there is to know of the kingdom, but not of the earthly pursuits, and I do wish to study more. I'm sticking with 400. I'm gonna go with a negative 70. I think this guy's fucking fraud, I'm gonna say zero, he's lying. Wow, you all get such low numbers. I didn't even know you could have so few subjects. For I have a billion subgenres.

Oh, this guy's lying. A billion. I must ask you then, King Zaki, would you join my quest for I have sought to raise an army to overcome the dark lord for low these many years? And with a billion subjects, all strong men, women and children ready to take up arms against the forces of evil, most assuredly we can achieve our goal. Listen, I don't really take for fighting on the battlefield anymore. I did do that in my youth. I'm absolutely interested in investing in this concept.

And I'm willing to give you quite a large number of gold and silver to help you on your quest. I just do want to see a return on the investment within the next two years. Only way this guy has a billion subjects is he's fucking king of bacteria. I don't know where he is. You know King Zaki, I've noticed that as people walk by our table, they just keep laying mugs of meat down in front of you or like sort of bowing in your general direction? Well yes, and I arrived in this area explaining that I was a king.

They didn't give me free things, but you'll see all my money is in my kingdom, far far away. So I've said, I'm doing a tall log credit and I'm sort of promising them if they give me the free stuff, like I get lots of free stuff back home. When I come back with all my gold, I'll pay them all back threefold.

Oh, you need money here. Take off mine here. There's thank you. 400 gold. Thank you so much. This is a pittance to me. So when I come back, I'll give you a billion gold. That's way more than three times. Yeah, I'll give you anything, because I don't even care. I've got so much money. I've got a big room of money that I dive in like a pool.

Oh, that's fun. Yes, for a shit. I don't know why. I swim in the guild like a pool. It's an original concept this in this world. I've never had anyone else in standard. But here in this world, I'm the every person that's ever had the idea of pool of gold. It's a very clever idea, what better way to really rub it in the face of those poor people in your kingdom to say like, I'm gonna swim in money, that's how much I don't give a shit about it.

Listen King, I'm not a, I'm not a money doctor, but if you jump into a pool of gold, you're gonna break your neck. Now, it sort of works like water. Like, I'll jump from the from the from the top, and I'll jump in and it'll splash around like water, and I'll swim, and all my kids will come and they'll swim in the gold. It's, it works like water. It's a source of magic. King, you can't just say it's like water and then use the words splash and swim and that's your proof. I mean, yeah, gold is hard, right? Here, take a piece of your story.

You're poor. You don't know? Yeah, you did, man. Oh, I'm poor. I'm poor. You're poor and you're not a money doctor. Like me. You just said the title of my one man show.

Chuck now presents, I'm poor and I'm not a money doctor. Spotlight, grrrr, trotthoth. Mama used to catch fireflies in the backyard. Dad'd come home drunk, steaking a... bourbon. His jeans all tatted and torn, and smell of another woman on his collar. Mama'd get pissed. She'd smack him around and say you get out of here.

I hate you, but the next morning, dad had come down for breakfast and I knew. I knew mama took him back. And seeing. Oh, excellent, very well done. When both of you do, whenever each of you do one man shows, why are they so mother focused? Well, Arnie, I don't know how it is on Earth, but in Foon, if you are acting, you should always use a Southern accent and say something about a troubled childhood involving your mother. Okay. The Southern part of Foon, we mean, of course. Of course.

King Zaki, would you like to workshop you on One Man Show? Listen, I'm not match of a performer, but let me make an offer to the two of you. I would love to bring you to my castle to perform this show for the entire court. It would be such a wonderful piece of entertainment and pretty much like just like anything to me. That's how easily I can ship you over. Now, unfortunately, I don't have my bags of gold.

So what I'm going to need you to do is give me a little bit of cash To book the ship to my land But once we're there my fee for a one man share in my castle is a two billion dollar Goads here one second. Let me contra a Portal reach into my a boat and I will clap A portal which into my abode and I will flap 1,000 stacks of 401 gold pieces. That's my 401k, you can have the whole thing. Oh thanks, I didn't even know if this is a lot or not too,

because it's like whatever to me, but I'll use this to book the ship right now. Basically my whole future relies on it, don't worry about it, I'm sure you'll I'll be get paid back, I'm not worried about it. Yeah, I got you, man. Hey guys, why don't we slip out of here? Let's go across the street. Why are we staying at this one tavern? Why don't we go across the street to the other tavern? Chant, who what was the name of that tavern again? Ooh, you mean the sacrilegious pelican? Yeah, the sacrilegious pelican. Let's... Can you exactly, you want to...

Can you come with... You want me to come with you? Absolutely.'d love to come with you to to the other bar You've got to understand I own all the taverns in my land So it's a bit strange for me to have to like pay for drinks and stuff It's just not odd for me culturally. So just like for me to feel comfortable I reckon you should pay for the drinks even though I'm rich your money is no good here and you don't have it, so worry not, I shall pay for all. Guys, I'm telling you, I looked at the tag on the back of his cape and it just is handwritten it says expensive, this guy is a fraud.

Shunt, you're poor. You don't know about these things. That's when you get to a certain level. Exactly. That's a bespoke cape that someone wrote the word expensive in. That's how special it is. He's like a fucking robber downie junior on my world. He's just like, he gets to a certain level and it's just all athletes, you're, that's everything. And you said that was a drunken goose on earth?

Mm-hmm. All right. Well, let's go cross into the bar and I guess first round's on me. All right, everybody grab your microphone. Oh, come back in your mind. Just grab this microphone. This is what you've been talking into.

And by the way, good job of just instinctively getting right up on it. Oh, by the way, this is a podcast recording the whole thing. Get in no noise, and that's awesome. I don't know what recording means, but I'm happy to do that. Don't worry about it. I didn't for the longest time either.

It took about three years. Usually I get monks to record all of my thoughts. Is it something like that? You used the word recording in that sentence, so it sounds like you got it. Yeah, sure, I can. I pull a shitty silk ball shit. Trunt, that's a king.

Be nice to a king. Oh, this place looks a little bit better, right? What was wrong with the bow-dagon moose? Too many one-man shows in that place. Yeah, every time you look around, some assholes performing this one-man show. Yeah, wait, did you say two-man show? Hey, what's the investigation that doesn't look like there's anybody here? Oh wait, I think someone's cleaning up this table. See, there's that...

Oh, there's a thing. There's a thing. Yeah, maybe I'll just move it.. Hey, not without my permission. Oh, I'm so sorry that felt so weird I am apologize That's all right Is this is a table talking hello table? Naga legs. I think it's the rag. Yeah, yeah, I'll go legs. Oh Oh, oh no, oh that damn friends got little legs. Yeah, I go little legs Excuse me touch them. Okay, here. I'll touch them

Those are nice feels good to me. I Stickily stickily you got tickly fingers. I have to ask you a question. I have a king here with me Yeah, I want to know and I want to clean off this Hey, rag don't fucking embarrass us in front of this It's all right, but I want to clean off his chair before he sits down. Can I grab you wipe off the chair with you? Or is that rude? That's fine, but first you have to watch my one-man show. All right fine. This this damn cloth is being a real wet towel. Yeah, yeah, you want to Good Yeah, you get one

at all. Do you want to fake cigarette? I need a fake so actually Do you want to fake cigarette? I need a fake so actually yeah, I'll have a fake cigarette I don't know what a cigarette is it's like a pipe, but it's just paper and you just burn the whole thing up Okay, I'm not sure because you're I don't know we have cigarettes. I don't have a mouth. Is that gonna be an issue? Yeah, I don't yeah, also how are you talking tuck it between his two? Where is his voice coming from? It doesn't matter, though. I got, I can't, you got to speak up though, cause I don't exactly have ears.

I am a tiny pair of legs attached to a wet pale. Why not made that explicitly clear? Oh no, you're clear. You have. Also, are you always wet? Like, is that, are you always wet, though? Yeah, it's sort of a byproduct of kind of my job, my occupation.

I'm a swimming instructor. I spend a lot of time in the water. It's been a lot of time in the water. And of course, quite a absorbent top army's quite a absorbent side. And no one's really willing to ring me out. This guy's lying as well. This guy's a sham. Wow, how do you guys not see?

He's like, I'm a fool. Chuck, you're poor. you don't know anything about Chuck did you ever learn to swim? Mama never taught me how to swim mama mama he started Staying out late. She'd go on vacation and never right home seen Hey, let's see it. That's why one man show who gave you the script I'm sure you have your own take on it. Let's see it. That's why one man show who gave it a script I'm sure you have your own take on it. Let's see it. Yeah All right

Spotlight there. I'm off Pipe pipe paper pipe here you go. What's it called? Thank you all right I had a mom She come that's drunk that's fucking basic shit. That was drunk. He come on smelling of some kind of brown and He would have women all over his neck and This towel wasn't even in the other bar. I'm telling you the king and this damn towel are working into hoots The king told while we were bickering the king relayed my entire one man Showed to this fucking wet towel And now it's just chant look sometimes. There's just parallel creation sometimes two people think of the same one man show

Totally separately it happens. It's in the zeit My mom I don't know I'm poor This is a good, very good, very good show. I absolutely blown away by this show from the wet towel. It's so good. I have to say, there's any room in my castle for one show about growing up in the South in a broken home.

So, please be, please be, please be. One of you will come to my castle to make a billion gold. I retract my offer to do the show because though this be a wet towel, I am the one who is soaked with tears. Arnie, Arnie, users speak from... Let me clean that up, I'll just clean that up. Thank you, thank you. Can someone flip me upside down so that I'll potter me on the thank you down just wave a mullet. Yeah. It's so adorable.

That's so move. It's so weird to be able to tell which side of a cloth is upside down because he has feet. Yeah. You can tell. The toe is pointing forward. That's the right side up. I think. Yeah, my legs are broke. Oh, oh wait, so he's on his back.

Flipple ball over, flipple ball over. Oh, no, no, don't put me on my legs. Is there any weight on my legs? It hurts. That's not, it's not, it's not. Smash my famous. Yeah, I'll let you sit down. So you're kind of, you've got your,

the underside of your legs, kind of on the table, but the towels is there. All right, I don't really sit. I just kind of a you've got your the underside of your legs kind of on the table but the towels is there. All right, I don't really sit. I just kind of plop. I guess I'm dying to ask if your feet are broke, which they clearly are, because they're facing the law in direction. Do you have other bones inside your cloth? No, yeah, which part? Oh boy, how to ask this. I guess this general rectangle here

That's all yeah, that's all mostly five fiber fabric You tell me you've never seen a tail before You should see a money doctor You should see a money doctor because they may want to operate on you because you're not full of bones But you're clearly full of shit guys this guy is lying let's go to a different bar there's tons of them. Shit. You're being so rude like everyone doesn't know everything about the inside of

their body like I don't know what parts of my body do and don't have bones in them. What? Arnie I have to... Penis? I mean I don't think so but I can 100% say. You're a moron. You know what, if you let me get into your head, I'll tell you where the bones are at.

You still are staying out of my head. No, I don't know how to have a head. I do not have a head. I'm sorry, I was talking to Oni. I suppose it's hard for you without eyes and ears and a mouth and all that stuff. But you're doing a great job, I think, for having two broken legs and a washcloth for a body.

If you want me to fix your broken legs, I can do that. Well, that would be amazing. Then I can walk around again. I can go back to swim and lessons. I teach taught how to swim. That's so lovely. What a wonderful thing to do.

Your majesty, do you have any small children back in your kingdom that need to be taught how to swim? Yes, I do. Your majesty, do you have any small children back in your kingdom that need to be taught how to swim? Yes, I do. I have so many children that need to be taught how to swim. Say, wet towel with legs wearing high heels. Would you like to come to my palace, teach my children to swim? Ah, yeah, right. Yeah, great. A paid gig? Yes, it's paid a trillion dollars. And I'm not going to ask you for any money because that is proof that I am not a fraud for I'm not paying you. Look, they're winking at each other.

Artie, you sort of winking at each other. Yes, they're friends. You just up the amount from a billion to a trillion. This guy's not fucking around. All right, okay. I'm going to fix your legs by using this healing rock. I have a healing rock that if I smash something with the rock, it heals it.

Oh God, all right. Okay, hold on. Hold your leg real still. I'm gonna smash it with this rock. I'll be careful. Ah! Ah! Oh!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah! Is that Helping? Uh, another one. Okay. Ah! Well, you, sir, while you fix his legs, let's take a brief intermission to this 5-man show

and we'll be right back with more of this bullshit. What more? Ah! Ah! Oh! What blot? Ah! Oh! Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. There's a let's see there's the What's go to dozens? Well, beer is cheaper there. Let's you want to go? Yeah, let's go to dozens Do I have to I have to come yes? Come on?

I guess here you can ride on my hat. Oh, yeah, I was gonna say isn't an awkward question if you to ask if you want us to carry you well, I mean I question if you want us to carry you. Well, I mean, I didn't fix my legs. I want to be clear. We took him into mission. We didn't see what happens. He just made me come. But he didn't fix my legs.

My bones are fucked. But I had one of the most intense full leg orgasms I've ever had in my life. So I want to thank you for that. Oh, man. Welcome. Can I say when I was a kid, I used to fix my legs two or three times a day. Oh really?

Mm-hmm. One time my mom walked in on me fixing my legs. It was very embarrassing. Oh, that's so embarrassing. At one time I was fixing my legs in the dock and that was a bit of blood. And I was like, I gotta stop fixing my legs. I've been doing it too much.

I think you're fixing them wrong. Well guys, before we go into this bar, I do wanna let you know, we can definitely go in here. The dozens is a cool bar, but I do need to let you know it is a frat bar. So if you see a fragile bat, don't go up to it, don't talk to it, they're kind of a mess. They're always looking for fights, okay?

So just be careful, all right. Let's go inside here. All right. Oh, um... Greetings, I am Yusador. Oh, well, Kiyora, thank you for coming into my bar today. Oh, my lizard, my name's Lizard Jim. Can I get you a table of four please?

Or how many are there of you? Well, actually, one of them is radying on my hat, so there's five of us. Oh look, a little fella. He looks like a wet little tail. I'll take him down to the beach and dry off my legs. And I'm so careful. There's a little bit of a common man. Listen Jim, I have to pull you aside for a second and let you know that that is King Zaki, the famous King, with billions of subjects, so we must have your finest table.

Well, knock me down with a feather. The last time we had any royal family here, I was knee-heart to a grasshopper. Before I ate it with Mutton, well, I'll give you the best seat in the house. Our prized big table. You can fit as many as eight people there. Thank you, James. Please call me James. I did and I shall. I'm very formal.

Well I'm glad you did. Oh good. James, there's a James could I ask you to bring us a round of ails for every one of the table. And if you don't mind grab on yourself and join us for a bit. I'll just so you know with the current climate in the world, what we're getting you to do is just that code on the table there. We're going to need you to get out your magical, your magical sticks. OK.

And I need you to just look at that code and just log in there that you're here. And we're going to do table service. So you'll need to just put that through. And you can see the menus all up there and the magic stick. And then we'll just bring that out to you. Oh, okay.

When our food is ready, we'll our sticks start to shake. Your vibrate? Yes, and you just got to walk up, we'll go, and really nice, subtle little way. It's not, it's just, it's not, it's not, it's just,

it's just going, and then you just walk up to the there and we'll have your chips and fush there ready for you. I'm not intrusive, it just goes bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to come up and bother you to say like I don't know if it went off and then see if it went off. We absolutely welcome that. We want people to come up and get in the way of the process as much as possible. Guys, guys, guys, guys, I'm elicit by the way. Oh, oh, thank you, Lizard Jim. Guys, I think this guy's in on it. He's a fucking phony too. If you can't tell, he has writing on his hand and he's reading off of his hand, everything he's saying. He's clearly a lizard, like look at him. Onnie, I didn't believe anything Chunted said so far

about these three being fake, until Lizard Jim announced that he was a lizard. I assumed that already by looking at him, and his name being Lizard Jim, but when someone goes, hey, by the way, I am a lizard. It's like me going, hey, by the way, I am a wizard, that, you know, look at the way I am a lizard it's like me going hey by the way I am a wizard That you know look at me. I'm a wizard unlike your Classic cookie cutter wizard like every fucking wizard you think I've looks like me and yet you mentioned that you are a wizard

Like you go through a long introduction of yourself. No, no, no I'm not buying the piece of wizard at all. I don't think you're a wizard at all Why no? I don't think I'm a wizard. I absolutely pretty I think this wizard fellow is very suspect might be trying to steal our money What? No, no, I swear. I am definitely a wizard here. Let me show you. I'll turn this magical stick into a magical longer stick Eroth, Tero That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen in my law. I'm legs I'm legs Just a little legs on a tail. I don't know nothing. I just wanted I just wanted to just mention that

Yes, my theory I reckon this wet towel for legs lizard man, and this wizard boy are all in it together. Some sort of fake thing to get our money, and I've got billions and trillions of it. So, if they rip us off, I could lose heaps. I think we all need to band together, put all our money in one joint bank account, and then they'll never be able to touch it. Guys, he's stealing my conspiracy, this fucking sucks, but come on, back me up! John, your ideas are not that good.

Why would anyone steal them? Well, also, you got to spake up, but I cannot hear you. I don't know if I'm a bad guy. Oh, sorry, my bad. Well, Lizard Jim, I'm glad I put your fierce arrest and you totally believe that I'm a wizard now. Wait, yeah, I'm completely bought in. I don't, I've never, I've never seen a stick grow like that. You know, I've seen some big shit in my life. I've seen one side saw a man, he put a ball in a cup, and I thought, well, that's where the ball is. And then he flicked, he moved all around,

and then looked and then wasn't the ball thing. He put it somewhere else, and I thought, well, that's where the ball is. And then he moved all around, and then looked and then wasn't the ball thing. He put it somewhere else, and I thought, well, this is a wizard. So I believe you're a wizard. Oh, thank you very much. So you totally want to then invest in my quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and you would feel good giving me all your foolish possessions. Well, look, I can get you a bowl of chips for the table to start with,

like, I'm happy to do that, like, on the hands. Yeah, it's a good start. Like, maybe, would you you a bowl of chips for the table to start with, like, I'm happy to do that, like I'm the hammer. Yeah, it's a good start. Like maybe, would you like a bit of garlic breed as well? Yes, please. Hold on, hold on. We're not asking the important questions. Lizard Jim, are these items free?

That's what I'm saying. I'm happy, is the proprietor of these beautiful establishment, which has a name that I remember, doesn't, and yeah, absolutely. And what I'm saying is, you guys have a couple of ails, that's your paying for that, and you've just got to order that through the code on your sticks, stocks.

But what I'm saying is, have a garlic bread and the chips on the heirs. Okay. Lizard Gemma had one other question, and I don't know if this is a rude or presumptive, but there is a curtain in the back that says, owner of the bar behind this curtain, and underneath the curtain are just two feet sticking out

that then slid backwards when I looked over at it. As if someone was dragging those feet backwards. That's not an area that's interesting at all. That's not something you should dig into. I reckon what you need to is go, we'll just say that's interesting and move on when they are dead. I think absolutely right, I think it's very suspect that whole curtain situation and I think I need to get out of here with everyone's cash as quickly as possible because I think they're trying to steal it from us.

King Zaki, can I just say, I appreciate. I know we've been through a lot of crazy situations tonight, a lot of disorienting things. I just love that you're here as my rock through all of this. Like, I know I can count on you no matter how weird everything else gets. Here's the thing. I don't think we can trust anyone here. You're the only person I trust, and that's I'm the only person you trust.

That's the way we're going to get through this. Would you hold my money for me? Absolutely. I'll hold it for you. I don't even trust myself with it at this point. Like I might do something really stupid with this money. That's why I'm giving it to King Zachi. Wet towel with legs.

Can I talk to you for a moment over here? Yeah, all right. You're going to have to carry me, though. Yeah, yeah, just get you for a moment over here? Yeah, alright. You're gonna have to carry me though. Yeah, just get back up on my hat. Alright. Look, I don't trust any of these other people. I think for the last five years that Chantanani have been trying to scam me and take all of my money.

So, I want to give all my money to you. Could you hear any of that? No, I can hear you perfectly. I don't have ears but I've got a mouth so it's fine. Where does... Why me? I don't have anything. Because you're the only one I can trust.

We can only trust each other. I only... I just met you bro. I just met you. You're my best friend. You've always been my best friend. Oh man, you fucked up in the head because you're the only one I can trust. You're the only one I can trust each other my best friend. Oh man, you are fucked up in the head because he is why it's odd that we've just met and you trust me that much but not King Zackie or the lizard man or the other two people who I feel like you have a relationship with. Okay, let me put it to you this way. you're about to get married who would be your best man

Hmm That's a good question me pick me. All right lizard man down. Oh, sick. That's mad suck I cannot talk to you for a second in the corner. Yeah, you're talking to you lizard. I don't have ears I'm neither do I. Oh, that's perfect. I never had a chance. Listen, I don't trust you or my best friend. I don't give me, can I give you my money?

Only if you'll take my money. I'm not sure, alright. I'm not sure what's happening, but people are going, breaking off in the groups, giving each other their money, and I just kind of want to make sure I'm not sure what's happening, but people are going, breaking off in the groups, giving each other their money, and I just kind of want to make sure I'm a part of this or the spirit of the night, but I'm not sure exactly why it's happening. I'm gonna have to hear many things.

All right, I made a chart. I made a chart, okay. So it turns out that King's Ackey has Arnie's money. Arnie has Trance money. Yeah. Lizard Jim has Towel's money. Arnie has Chun's money. Yeah. Lizard Jim has Towel's money. Towel has Lizard Jim's money. And I have all of the money that I found

under a rock outside of the front door. That's my money. So, okay. So, that should go... Okay, so that's where I'll go to the towel. So, anything else I should add to the chart? I'm trying to figure out where everyone's money is. Well, I just think for me personally, in my land,

we don't necessarily keep our money to ourselves. The bank has one giant belt that we put all the money in, and then we just keep a record of which of that is who's money, and that way we can make loans with the big belt. It's a very complicated system. What I'm trying to say is is if everyone puts the money in my big bag and you give me that little chart, I can keep track of it and protect it from any fraudsters or sham people or anything like that. I think you've got to understand I'm the one with the

billions of trillions, I'm the one that's not going to think anything of this bag and if I lose it I could replace it with my billions of trillions It sounds good to me, but we should probably vote on it. I vote yes I don't have any way of voting. I don't have arms or mouth or so. I'm not able to I guess I will do here What tal break one lake for yes break both legs for no They're both already brought maybe where that I do one come for yes and two comes for no but I need the come rock okay Here's here. It's a healing rock, but it's the same difference. No, you should get out the come rock Come rock. Okay, here it is come rock this whole time. Yeah, of course. I have a come rock idiot Here you go

I'm just one time just one'm just one guy. Arnie. Arnie. Hey, you're my best friend. I'm going to approach this as calmly and as intelligently as possible. These three are working together. When Lizard Jim bent over, I looked at the tag on his cape and it just says lizard in a hand-drawn lettering, okay? It is part of his name. I don't...

Look at my shirt, look at this tag. Okay, it says lizard. Where are you buying your clothes? I don't... Lizard? Here, I think I know a way. Lizard Jim, if you're really a lizard and you're not just wearing a green cape and wearing green paint,

could you do a one lizard show about your life or experiences? Absolutely. A spotlight and a throughout. See. Ma, ma, come. These chickens got out the coop. Come on, lizard mum. Lizard mum was always stuffing and stuffing about. That's what it's like on a lizard farm. That's when I was a young

farm lizard with hopes of getting to the big lizard city and meeting all and starting a bar at the lizard shop. Oh, that lizard scene. So you'll notice I wrote that. That's my life story. That's my citizen cane. In it, you ended it in the middle of a sentence. He clearly stole my southern riff. He was clearly playing with that. And if you're a lizard, you don't call it a lizard city. You call it a city. You don't call your mom. Lizard mommy call her mom. Am I going crazy? Listen, why would I write a one-man play where the main character loses confidence

halfway through? Maybe it's saying something. What do you think it could be saying? I don't know. I don't know. I don't have a point. 99,998. 99,999.

One million. There you go, King Zackie. 99,998, 99,999, 1 million. There you go, King Zaki. There's all my 1 million gold pieces. Thank you so much. It's such a small amount for me, but I know it means a lot for you to be entrusted with your gold.

It's my pleasure. Everyone else is so busy putting on shows. And I just wanted to make sure that the money was safe with you Well, it seemed to make the most sense to put it I think that your friend here is very suspicious of me and I don't understand why I've been nothing but hospitable I think you need to get bored I'm so capable Did you see that? Did you guys see that? The King's perfect teeth. They fell out. Do you see that?

Oh, oh, oh A King wouldn't have fictith. He'd either's perfect teeth, they fell out. Did you see that? Oh, oh, oh. A king wouldn't have thick teeth. He'd either have perfect teeth because he was raised in royalty or he'd have no teeth and fucking own it. All right, then, shunt. Where did he get the crown? Where did he get the crown?

Ah, that I had to go through. You're talking about the crown tooth, like crown a crown in his mouth, or are you talking about the crown on his head? Yeah, the circle it. Yeah, the crown on his head. The crown in his mouth or are you talking about the crown on his head? Yeah, the circle it, the crown on his head. The crown in his head? There's a crown in your head, in your mouth. You're a breaking crown.

You know, in full, you're breaking crown. I wouldn't know such things. Not only one here without a crown, of any kind, to be fair. So I'm gonna... Wait a second, I just go to the toilet. Hey, I just noticed something, already used to door. You notice how the towels just been carried around the whole time?

I checked the back of the, oh, Tal get out of here. Oh, sorry. I checked the back of the towels tag, and it says legs is fake. Also, did you notice that any time King Zaki takes a drink, the towel doesn't talk? Why is that? Oh, sorry, sorry, I don't know.

I don't know, Root. Oh, sorry. I got calm all over me. That's unrelated. I can prove for a fact that legs isn't fake. Here, I'll take this knife right here and stab it into my own leg. That's very real. Look at the glove coming out.

That might make him. Wait, hold on. Did you hear that? He said that made me come. He didn't say that made me lizard come. He's trapping his charade. He's busted. We caught you, lizard Jim. You didn't say lizard come. You said come.

You're lizard busted. Oh, he's clapped. Very good gentleman. I thought I'd get away with it, but now you were too clever. I am King Zachi from the land of royalty. But King Zachi, tell me this can't be true. He's saying he's King Zachi? Yes, you must understand. I was tricking you. It was a bit of a lie. Now, just a little lie. I'm Prince Zeki. This is my father. I do so hope to one day be the king, but King Zeki is my father and he is the king. But I have the rights to all the all the billions, all the millions of gold I've promised. And I think you should still give at least me or King Zeki the money to protect it from,

I think the towel is the enemy right now. Okay, now here's what's happened right now. Hello. I, yes, Prince Ackey, you have been a naughty boy taking money from people. That is why I put on a shirt that would look like a lizard to come here and to watch upon you and teach you a lesson and you wise genuine nomads you have been good Yusador I knight you king I mean so Yusador

and him king No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I bestowed upon another person. You know what, he's right. I didn't notice that he was just wearing a shirt that made him look like a lizard. Wait a second. I lizard. Wait a second. That now makes sense with King's acu and Prince acu. But now the damp towel is slow clapping his hands. What's going on?

What's going on, what, Tal? You figured it out. I'm lizardard Jim. Oh no! Congratulations. What? Suspient complete. I was just wearing a towel and attached some leaks to it.

But actually, well that's, that is what I am. But my name is, so I think just my name is Lizard Jim, and that's the only thing that's different. Anyway, I'm gonna go to the toilet. Oh no telling you, the King is King Zeki. He's just my viceroy in disguise, and occasionally are attacked by a murderous horde of all. I am the King. Guys, this is just like what I said earlier,

an aura borer is a snake eating its own ass. Oh. Oh. Wait, why would you all have it the same time? All right, let's cue up let's cue up our clapping all right, let's see who okay use it or you can go first Then I guess I'm gonna call you King Zaki Once we get to me. Yeah, yeah, see what I am. Can I go after Lesser Jeff Glass before just before we do all of this I know it's can't be so much fun

But I think we should just chuck the gold in my bag and then we'll be this game Okay, carry on. Then I don't have to go last, Sean. I don't know if you want to be the last revelation or if you wanted to. Were you clad in, C.U. Clap? Were you clapping? I was a one person not clapping.

Oh, okay, all right. As long as everyone's, I just, I just don't think it's fair to jump in now and say you're clapping when maybe you weren't. I wasn't sure who exactly was clapping. So what's the, what's the itinerary here? How we run him through this? I think it's Yusidor.

King Zaki, Lizard Jim, Prince Zaki, me. Okay, great. Alright, good. I'm just gonna go to the toilet. Well, well, well. You figured it out. I meet up the entire ruse. The land of royalty?

What are you fucking stupid? That's the dumbest place name I've ever heard in my entire life. I invented all of these characters with my great magical powers. Because Arnie and Chant, I wanted to take your money to help you with my quest to defeat evil. Why didn't you just ask us? Yeah, now yeah. Okay, well, so you thought you said, but actually, I am a tech whiz.

My name is Geek, Geek Boy, and I have made this into a whole... I have made a whole virtual reality world, like... So, like, you think you see stuff, but what it is, is lots of little balls that are making a virtual world around you similar to okay we are alright that's spotting me so I've created a whole world that is fake and you've just been making stuff up this hot you think you've been doing stuff but actually it's been me geek tech what did I call myself tech wizard are any do you know about tech and food? Tech is when you're technically sleeping and you imagine a whole world just like you was saying.

Yes, but that's mine I'm sticking to. I planned it all. Lizard Jim formerly come ragged your turn? No, we didn't. That's the revelation is he didn't do any of that Yeah And so sorry, I grabbed I grabbed a parchment and pen. Okay, sorry. Okay, go ahead Is that me or was it were you dex?

One more another revelation I'm more at another revelation. I get so much. You go for it. Do you figure it out? Just the Whittail with the legs. Congratulations, everyone. I'll fool you again. To be fair, I was never fooled.

I was on to everyone the whole time. Well, yeah. Well, not the whole time. I mean, most of the time I had my suspicions, but I was trying to be cordial. And well, let's thank you, Comrade. Or Whittail, I'd never have been time I had my suspicions, but I was trying to be cordial and well, let's think you come or what towel? You can count that beer, that's fine. I think Prince Zaki, it's your turn.

So, you figured it out. I'm actually King Zaki, King of the Land, Farred and far greater than anything you've ever known. I'm worth millions, but all my money is elsewhere, and I need to take your money in order to double it. Well, I've already given you all my money, so... Yeah. Wait, Arnie, why are you clapping? Well, well, well. You figured it out.

I didn't have anything. I just wanted to be part of what was going on and I thought I'd come up with something by the end and they did not. I'm just proud of you. I'm proud of you for being a part of this. Yeah, let's give Arnie a big hand. It was a little faster than the Soul this. Yeah, let's give Arnie a little faster

than the slow clap. Yeah, it's nice. And actually, let me slow my fast clap down to a slow clap. Arnie, you fool. I put on this whole ruse. Everyone here is an actor that I hired to teach you a lesson that, hey,

you don't always have the answer and I'm glad you finally learned. In fact these aren't even local actors. They're all brooms with wigs and capes on and it's me throwing my voice. Here I'll prove it. Here's me as chunt, ah yeah baby, and now I'll throw my voice over there. I am Yusadol, Wizard of that 12th Rail of Ephesius. Sorry, I thought for the same time. Sorry, I am two of my voices talking at the same time. Let me adjust my throat. And then the others.

What the bloody hearl's going on here. Oh no, one of my voices is on to me. Joking, that's just my voice to go over here. That's the one I had the most fun playing. Just because I got to play a comrade over here. Hello, King Zekin. So you see Ernie, you see all this talk about one man shows,

which I just wanted to let you know that I am an actor and I may be poor, but I'm rich, rich in characters. Yeah. Thank you. That's all I could do. I was saying I was saying Hey I thought you were the best I could have believed when you were doing that I thought that was really good Man

I've been looking all over for you too I was a little late to the podcast I thought you were going to be at the bolegged moose Why are all these wigs on these brooms? You used to do it You motherfucker You figured it out You see that Arnie there? That's just a mop with a wig and a cape on it.

I hired all these actors, well not even hired them, it's just me throwing my voice. To teach you a lesson about showing up on time, I wanted to seem like I was having a grand old time at three different bars. I'm sure you were peeping and peering in the window, jealous like an orphan seeing a smoked goose in the window hungry itself. And now, my friend, I think you'll never be late again. That's right. I've learned my lesson. Can I just get a little bit of clarity? If everyone was a broom with a mop and cleared it myself, do I get anyone's money?

Did I get anyone's girl? You're not real. So that's the thing, I thought when I was a boom with the mob at least I got used to doors Girl, but you're not a real person at all. So you don't even have a sentience Yes, and I'm not the real use it all the user that gave you all the money that that was also a broom with them up Was it I was I wasn't here the whole time that otherudor, that's the one that gave you the money. He's not real. I'm real.

Real Yusudor, real Yusudor, please. Yes. I can't, I don't know what to do. Please, they are all living inside me. Please help, help me kill it. Help me kill it all. Kill it all. I know it.

Shh! I know what you need. I know what you need here. Take this, come rock. Ooh. I gotta go. Come rock. Come rock. gotta go. Come rock. Come rock.

Come rock. Come rock. Don't do it, don't do it. We need to come rock. Come rock. Come rock. Come rock. Come rock.

You've got to come and say that. You've got to come and say that. You've got to come and say that. But don't do it, please. Please it, don't do it, please. Please! I'm still on the entirely short, I'm Lizard Jim or I'm King Zeki, but she's gonna come to me after the video. I think the idea is that I'm just stopping from coming us out.

Shady quiet, I'd be quiet, I shush, shush, shush. Good job. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, and if this was your first episode, you might want to try another, maybe a tomb lane from season 1. Let's just say you're really jumping your motorcycle onto a speeding train with this one. But you know, sometimes yes and needs a stress test. Yoooo, Zed or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chucked the talking badger was played by Adel Rathire.

King Zaki, the wet towel with legs and Liz gym, were played by special guest, Zach Ruane, Mark Samuel Bonanno, and Rodin Kelly from the group Antidana. Check out their Netflix sketch comedy show Antidana's big ol' house of fun! Yes, there is other sketch comedy besides I think you should leave! Go on, give it a shot! Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Meekamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Irwolf Producer Kimi Lucas, this episode edited by Garrett Schultz,

Special Assistance, provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If I find out after all this time that our listening audience are nothing but mobs with wigs, actually that would make a lot of sense. Come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock, come rock,