Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 74 - The Mauve Wizard

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

Jamillious the Mauve Wizard returns with an update on the Wizard Council.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJamillious Washington the Mauve: Anthony LeBlancMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Meanwhile, let's find out what parts of the show structure survived Antidonna's Sausage Party assault on imagination. Also, I have to say, I thought the whole year time construct you just wrapped up was a fun experiment, but I'm a little taken aback to hear you're trying it again. Did you see what happened with the last one? Don't come crying to me when it's 12 months from now and a bunch of stuff has happened. In the meantime, slip on that expensive bathrobe, fall into an overstuffed armchair, fish out a petting cat from the Plexiglass tank of them you keep within arms reach, and enjoy the show. Hello, from the Magic Tavern. A podcast chronically-nod ventures to defeat the Dark Lord in the magical mystical land of Foon, but low dear listeners, I have terrible news. Oh, the Dark Forces have expanded that reach.

But first let's meet our co-host, Chunt. Oh yeah, baby! I'm a little badgy. And now, Chunt and I host our own podcast, Get Nuts. Get Nuts! Get Nuts! But this week, we're hosting Hello for the Magic Tavon, because we have not exactly sure where Arnie is. And of course this week we are a broad casting

from the mystical tavern of dozens. Yeah, and I don't know why, but I feel like all the employees here keep making fun of my mom. I don't get it. Yeah, it's just weird. And also there's a baker here. And when you order donuts, he gives you 13. Also there's a baker here and when you order donuts he gives you 13

Also, there's all those sleeping cousins in the corner. Yeah, what is going on here the dozens? Yeah, I'll give it to you Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. It's a very strange bomb. What a very strange work What I was gonna say have we ever said said same tavern time same tavern place? I feel like that should be a thing tavern time. Let's go. Let's make a you know You know how I was pushing for segments like I don't know 14 fucking years ago and nobody bought into them Maybe there's a new segment is called tavern time and we just check in about the tavern that we're in and we say the things We see and we talk about all the sleeping cousins that we might

Approach upon and of the food at the tavern and we review the drinks that the drinks and we talk about all the sleeping cousins that we might approach upon, and of the food at the tavern, and we review the drinks that the drinks are good or bad, and the service, and there can be like a rating system. Shunt, I love it. Hell yeah. As a matter of fact, da da ba da ba da ba, it's tavern time. I have some notes. What?

On this tavern. Ah good. Dozens is the best tavern I have been to in the last three days. This place has everything. Wait, hold on. I feel like I'm ripping something off. I give it to 12 out of five stars. I give this, okay, I give this tavern 14 pints out of 14 pints.

Ooh, I like that. I like the pint system. And I feel like we should bring in a third co-host. Like, have it be like tavern and Shirley or something? Like bring in a third perspective. Oh, hold on. Speaking of third perspective, did I just hear a little Yani boy?

I did. Oh, they're here. Peek right into the table. Ahni, ahni, wake up. We're doing the podcast. Morning, Yani. Same tavern time, same tavern place. doing the podcast. Morning, Yani. Same time in time. Same time in place. No, five more minutes, Mom.

No, you can't call in sick. Come on. All right. Sorry, I was just getting a little more sleep in. What's going on, guys? You're not the teenager anymore. That's been over for weeks. You've been sleeping 16 hours a day. Is that healthy? I think it's like, look, guys, I know I've been sleeping a lot more and it's not just a seasonal effective disorder. Is that healthy? I think it's like, look guys, I know I've been sleeping a lot more and it's not just a seasonal effective disorder, is that? You've been calling 10 p.m. Arnie's noon.

I know, look, here's the thing, we've discovered that this thing in my head... In your head? In my head. In your head. Oh, fuck no. Look, cranberries. Zombie. And I have my period.

I've discovered that this thing in my head probably projects my consciousness to earth. So I've been sleeping a lot more and doing research. Why don't you say it like that? Why don't you say it like that? I'm confused, research. That's not, how do you say it? Well, I have to do a lot of research on my artifacts.

Research. Research. Let's do some research. I gotta keep saying it. The three of us are not compatible. Ah, honey, you can't just sleep your days away though. But I must know. There is great power in dreams.

What did you learn through your research? Well, I've never been good about remembering my dreams and it's all a bit of a blur. So I've started to keep a dream journal and use it or thank you for asking this. Oh, look, I grabbed it. Oh, let's see. Juicy, juicy, juicy. Let's turn to page 48 here. Day 48. This is my first entry into the journal. The first 47 days, I just couldn't be bothered. I was so sweety. Arnie, why'd you write down WSEEPY? Well, you know, if you don't, I was,

Yes, why did you misspell the word that Chunch has said correctly? I just had this, I just had this weird feeling that maybe I was a mop. Hmm, maybe you're a mop, huh? Interesting. No one, look at this, look at this. This is one a mop. Hmm. Maybe you're a mop. Huh. Interesting. No one, look at this, look at this. This is one from yesterday. Okay. I just wrote, when I woke up, I sort of groggly wrote Queen's Gambit. I have no idea what that means.

Queen's Gambit. Huh. Checkmate. I don't know. Tanya must be planning something. Something that we cannot consider. Some sort of gambit that we must be prepared for. For low, if this queen is able to project energy from her very palm into any object that she touches why she could become a deadly force, why she could take something as simple as a playing card, imbue it with force and then throw it at her enemies. You said or that's not how dreams work. I'm actually having dreams about Earth, not about Foon, so it's probably like Queen Elizabeth

is up to something where she imbues playing cards with power and throws them at people. Or I'm stressed out about something. Well, have you learned anything that might help us in our quest to defeat the Dark Lord for I have some terrible news. Hmm, let me see what else I've written down here. Terrible news! Oh, the worst news. Wait, can you sandwich it in between two good things? Two pieces of positive news? Yeah, I can do that. Absolutely. Well, I would give...

I would give... A bad news sandwich? Yeah, I would give... The potato skins here at dozens are 10 out of 10 pints. Hmm. The Dark Lord has moved his forces into Fingaria. We know not the fate of our dear friend, Crom. Oh no.

And, Chut, I love what you've done with your hair. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, I decided to brush it all upwards, so I just have like a full-body mohawk. I feel like more animals should do that. It looks badass. It's very cool. Wait, if Croms and Trouble can't he kind of strategically place battalions to fire upon

the enemy sort of an X-Crom situation? Would that be helpful? Surely that would help turn the tides. Well, I suppose if he had the proper apps, maybe some... Speaking of proper apps, the Monster Elewons... proper apps. Ooh, the Monster Elements at dozens. I would do it. Well, I'm going back to sleep. What, wow, here you can't do that.

We're in the middle of the show. Hey, Trayne. You said, or it's research. And also, one of the things I got here at dozens is they have a thing here called a slumber cup. And it's really, what's this amazing? Arnie's dead. No way.

I've known he's just fallen asleep. I'm going to use my great power of deduction. To think about the word slumber. He just sipped from a slumber cup. The way you would hold someone, spoon them, if you are sleeping with them, and what goes with a spoon, but a cup, he must be asleep. I'm gonna write down the recipe for a slumber cup, just in case I need it in any future episodes if I'm not feeling it.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it's a great out. It's like, great out. Just rip that cord. Great out. Perfect. The perfect, the golden parachute. But I did you really hear my terrible news though,

aren't you a friend, Crom? Yeah. Oh, we should, we should send him a raven or something to check up on him. Or is there any way, I don't know, oh boy, this is embarrassing that I'm asking you this now and it's not that I don't care. It's just that maybe I'm embarrassed that I don't know it.

Do zards? Well, one, do Zards? Do Wizards mind being called Zards? No, we love it. Ooh, do Zards. I'm angry that this is the first time you've done it in five years. Do Zards mind, or what do I'm trying to say? What's the range of a Zard?

Like, could you help Fingeria from where we're at now, which is I'm sure 100 days away? Like, what's your range? Well, it depends on what I'm trying to do. But to better answer this question, let me introduce today's guest, another zod. Trimilus them all. What's up, Maza? What is on Trim? Wow! Yeah, yeah, you know, it's me, Jimu, it's Washington, you know, bring our feast and family, you know, master the great plantation. No shy of the tranquil trade winds, no draw, it's me, Jimu, it's Washington, you know, bring our feast in the family, you know, master the great Plantation no shy of the triangle trade wins. You know the druffs know me as that dude

The elves know me as always hold and the vampires know me as my queen to be the chief folk they know me as Turt and I'm also known the forest out that is So, you know just you know just And I'm got you learn that, right? That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, you, you like down, man, thank you. And out to have double zards like what a treat. Wow. Yes, and working together, we could extend the range of our spells if we did decide to work

together to accomplish some great feat. Yeah, they're just those like wizard calculus you gotta do. You know, in your school, you know, cause like power is not exactly working exactly, you know, always like one for one. You know, it's like almost exponential in some cases, but sometimes it's even higher than that, you know. It's a whole so many different wizard power systems.

You know what I mean? Yeah, oh yeah. I know this can you excuse me for one, just one second. Oh yeah, yeah. On it, get the fuck up off. Yes, yes. Oh, where, get the fuck up off of me. Yes, sir. Oh, where's my dream journal? Blue yarn Disney plus.

Oh, oh, Jamilis. Hey, what's up, what's up, right? Hey, it's so good to see you. Hey, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up? Yeah, this is good to see you, man. I didn't see you in a while, man, what's up? I know we've been busy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of crazy stuff's been happening.

I know the shattering. I'd ask you how you are, but that question seems very fraught nowadays. No, no, no, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool. You know, I mean, you know, well, here's the thing. It's a little hard to talk about a little bit, you know, in front of some of the people here, you know, I don't wanna be weird or anything,

you know, and bring up, and bring up information that might make somebody feel a little weird. No, no, no. It's all right. It's all right. You're our guest. What did I have to say? Yeah, I just know that I'm actually the official note taker for the council, for the

Wizards Council, so I take all the notes. So I've been doing a lot, a lot of archiving, you know what I mean? Like I write down things, make sure it's all categorized, make sure everybody gets the minutes after we meet, you know, make sure that everybody needs to know, knows, you know, people don't need to know, don't know. You know, so of course, it's hard, man.

It's a lot of work, a lot of work, a lot of things going on. Can I ask like when the, and I assume you're talking about the wizard council The wizard council. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Oh, sorry. You were asleep. We call wizard zards now. Oh, yeah Of course, I intuitive that that just makes perfect Yeah, I hope the zards just hang around a circle, you know, just doing them sometimes freestyle spells, you know When you realize you're gonna have a meeting and it's very, and like there's a very important job of someone taking notes. Like how do you decide who that's gonna be?

Is everyone just kinda like, oh, I don't, everyone kinda look around like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna take, yeah, is it like pick a Zard in his art? Well, for me actually volunteer, you know, because I'm so good at like writing stuff down, you know, I'm always keeping my spells, you know, putting on my spell book, you know, so I'm like, well, I'm just, the person is probably gonna wind up taking the best notes. So you guys will just, you know, I'm always keeping my spells, you know, put on my spell book, you know, so I'm like, well, I'm just the person that's probably going to wind up taking

the best notes. So you guys will just look to me. Yeah, you know, it's just that, yep, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. So, you know, that's just, that's what I do, you know, yeah, I see your, I see your coolmanship and it's absolutely beautiful. It's pretty, it's pretty great, you know, actually, I actually met who's running like a whole trip. I was actually out looking for the perfect spell. And I actually wound up finding it, man.

It was crazy. Actually, I actually had to travel at the travel pretty far to the west. And it was there in this weird town. It was like the town of like Tanya. So I was like far in the west and the town of Yay. It was like the best, almost amazing beats that were there. And I was able to put together the best spell. And I know I was, I was having a hard time. I'm sorry, were the beats in Yay or were the beats by Yay?

The beats were in Yay, by Yay for Yay. You know, it's all kind of soul-saving. And Ken, Kenye, Kenye, East of New York, or Kanye is always west Kenny is always west okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah is always always yeah but but it's one that you know is where that I got that those

beats man I've been to Santa yeah but but not just yeah huh I'll have to check it out sometime hmm yeah so I'm gonna take a drink of my cup no I hit the cup right into his face after he drank from it. He's gonna wake up gonna wake up screaming Man, I was drinking spells man, man. They'll get you. Yeah, I guess it's a slumber cup. I guess that's a new thing Yeah, crunch on the cup So Jimenez you've accomplished your goal and now you have the spell that you wish to

Yeah, I do you know, so I have the spell that you wish to. Yeah, I do. I have the ability to actually amplify my spells. It's like a whole thing. Depending on how well I put my spell together, sometimes it'll go different cult. I mean, different melt. So if I got a gold spell, I get a couple of hundred thousand people, you know, can be affected by it. If I got a platinum spell, you know, it's like,

whoa! I mean, it's like insane. And then Diamond spell, that's like all the food. You know, I've got one there, yeah. But do you ever frame your spells and put them up in your steal, your castle? Yeah, sometimes. I'll put them up in my lab as well, like to call it, you know, like I get in the lab. You know, I do, you know, work on my spells with a Quill in a pad. Yeah, Quill in a pad, you know, I mean, yeah, that's all fine.

But I prefer to stand out in the street corner, pedaling my spells to whoever walks by. I'll just give them away. See if somebody wants to take it. I'm like, give this spell a chance. So why don't you listen to this spell? See how it goes for you. Yeah, you know, back of your cart, you know, I mean, just like straight up just hand out the spells. Yeah, I'll just try to back of my car. Yeah, I just never take them. Like I'm

sometimes I'm curious, but I'm also like, I don't want to carry this around. You know, but sometimes you like get something you don't expect, man. It's like, yeah, I find the next you is. Yeah, New Zard. I'm sorry, New Zard. New Zard, New Zard. I'm gonna take a chance once I can hear already wait the fuck up Where's my dream dream? See fucking QAnon. What could that even mean? Well, I thought you were asking before about the Wizards Council And of course, you know taking notes is a very important use it I'm sorry. Yeah, the Zards Council. Yeah, you get you know you get four or five Zards together a different color

And then they all form one big mega-zard. And then they can just, you know, they can really crush. Dude, Council's got swords. Yeah, we fought Raider Apolso one time. Oh, I never asked. I know that Wizards are for the most part, not able to be burned, but could you, could you charizard?

Well, if you had powerful enough waves? Yeah, I think you could charge You can lose little sooty, you know, yeah, I stood it up a little bit But you know it's hard up there for a czar you know, no, man, but then you might die zard Well, I'm gonna take some of this slumber cup I'm gonna great out If only what effect me, but yay, I shall never leave. For no slumber, cup shall air, make you sit off, I'll sleep. I shall be here fully awake and fully intense for all time.

You sit or I'll, that would agree, if only it would affect you. It best, that's the power of you sit or it never see, he's always going to want to open, you know what I mean? He's always got like that, you know, sleep was always got one I open. I mean, he's always got like that. Sleep was I open, you know, I mean, just in case somebody rolls up on you, you know, try and do some kind of weird spell behind your back, you know, you always like right there,

ready to jump on him, you know, tenacious. Mm-hmm, that's me. I mean, he taught me a lot, you know, I used to, I told you all before, I used to get picked on a bunch, you know, and so, yeah, I mean, I've been the first black wizard, you know, like, you know, I was like, I had to get Hayes low more than other wizards, you know, and I had to make sure I was always like ready to jump on them, you know, and so, but you just always

have my back. He's like, you taught me how to like, how to fake sleep. It's like this whole thing where like, you can actually like see through your eyelids. And it's like this amazing thing that only you know certain wizards can achieve where they have like a third eye, where they can actually see without their eyes closed, you know. So it's pretty amazing. It's true. I learned it from a duck. Yep. That duck taught me. I, the most duck sleep with one eye open, but there's a very special duck at the top of Mount Quack and that duck sleeps with both eyes closed But he has a third eye invisible eye in the middle of his

Duck's have a forehead. Yes, yes, it's a forehead. I don't know. I But right where your forehead would be on a duck chip chump drink all of my slumber And honey I have to tell you about this very special duck. Mm-hmm. Okay. This isn't a time to fall asleep. You're gonna want to hear every word of this. Mm-hmm.

No, no. Hey, you know what? I'll be right back. I'm just gonna get something from the bar. But before I go, chunk, wake up. Yeah. Huh. Chunk.

So dozens. Dozens. Oh, what a great bar. How I love it here. Juna, have you had an opportunity to partake of the delicious food and drink here? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually sample all the food all over food. You know, that's my specialty.

It feeds some famine, you know, so I don't make sure that I can try every delicacy and all the things. You know, I actually have a guy that I put out every year that's people know, like, how many shots they get. You know what I mean? It's like, it's a shot scale. So I don't know if anybody's thought about that before. You know, like having a scale based on, you know,

liquid inside of a cup, you know, but. Oh, interesting. What do you mean? Yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah, I don't know. I was thinking, no, I was walking around. I was like, hey, you know, so this tavern, you know, it's like three shots, you know what I mean? You know, he get, but you know, you can keep was like, hey, you know, so this tavern, you know, it's like three shots, you know what I mean?

You know, but you know, yeah, keep your shots every year. You know, you gotta keep it up. If you don't keep up, the quality of your tavern takes a shot away. Now, and I don't wanna, I don't know if this is confusing. Isn't shots the brand that makes cart wheels, the wheels that go on a cart, like, isn't that shots? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, those are shots. So there's the shot lineman, you know that go on a cart. Like, isn't that shots? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Those are shots. So there's the shotman, man. You know, he's pretty cool. You know, this is a bunch of wheels put together and he walks around like a bull. You think he's cool? I find him terrifying. I mean, it's a golem, man.

I mean, he's cool. I used to have a nightmare that the shotman was eating me in my dreams. I mean, he does that sometimes. You know, if you're not a good kid, you know, man. Oh, John, I'm so sorry to hear that. You're a very good boy. I don't think he's so much.

Oh, thank you so much. I'm gonna eat you. I mean, he's been known to eat bad children, certainly. Mm-hmm. And bad badgers and bad shape shifters. Yeah, he knows when you've been naughty and he knows when you've been nice. He knows that because he's looking at you constantly

from across every room, terrifying. Yeah, so I'm not saying you're not in his line of fire, but I think you're all right. Yeah. Oh, speaking of this tavern, did you want, Jimelace, do you want some, we have some natural chose. The natural chose have some cheese on them

and some jalapeno. We have some buffalo legs. I think they're wild actually. That's what a great one. That's what we have here. Potato canoes. Just some chili poppers. Ooh, let me order some of those.

Yeah, let me. They're pretty great. Ernie's still at the bar. Ernie, grab some chili poppers. All right, cold drugs coming up. He's bad at listening. Yeah, it's pretty great. They put that at listening. Yeah. It's just pretty great. They put that cheese, that cream of the cheese inside of it.

Oh, yeah. It's pretty great. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I wonder how they get the cream of the cheese. Do you think they milk the cow and they make the cheese? But then do they milk the cheese again? They do. They do.

They get in there and they squeeze the cheese. And like, let's just like, like, like, like, and then like, all of a sudden, yeah, cream just comes right out. It's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, I go on my face and it's gone. I always wondered why cheese had others. And now I know. Yeah.

Please, shutters. All right, sorry, sorry. I was a little bit. Here's some chili peppers for you, Jamila. Here's some talent wine. Thanks. Thanks for you, you civil order. Did you just hand him talent wine?

Talent wine. How rude. Oh, talent wine. Oh, sorry Did you just hand him talent wine? Talent wine. How rude. Oh, talent wine, oh, sorry. I would love some talent wine though. Do they have any? I think we could all use a big slug of talent wine. Keep looking for it every time we go to. Nope, not always out.

But people are thirsty. Someday, just to drop, oh, just to drop, please. I'll go talk to the bartender and see if they have any talent-wise. I'm sure that I'm most likely that damn. Well, see ya. He's, there you go. What's the biggest new catchphrase?

I'm most likely self-fulfilling profanity. Well, I don't know if you know this, but sometimes when you're a master wizard, you have to kind of come up with different catchphrases. You know when you're staying. Is that how you get left behind? Well, you said we're not at the table, can I ask you of come up with different catch phrases. You know, I'm gonna stay. That's how you get left behind. While Yusidor is not at the table, can I ask you to mill us? Yeah.

What's up? I know this is maybe a little bit of a sensitive subject, but is the Zard Council still just like totally fucking pissed at Yusidor? Yeah, man. I mean, like when you piss off the head, one by the other, George, you know, you gonna get screwed. You know what I mean? I told him.

I told him. it's your fault. It's your fault, man. Like, you know, let a amazing piece of zard like that walk out of your life. I mean, it's like, what do you think, man? But, you know, I mean, sometimes, you know, people can't think straight, you know? Love makes you do crazy things.

Can I ask you, Charles? Yeah. And this is very personal question. Have you ever been in love? Yeah, man. I was in love once. I was in love actually. It's back way back when I was a young wizard. You know, I fell in love with a tow. No, sure. And sale of all this time. Yeah. And, you know, it was one of those things where like I kept wanting to like kiss that toe, but I want to make sure that I will respectfully to not, you know, until that totus

ready to be kissed and then inviting me to kiss them, I wouldn't kiss them, but they never stand together and invite so in the end, we couldn't be together. So I'm so sorry, and this is, I'm a shapeshifter of course, you know that, but I've been many animals. When you say toe to do you mean

Um toad in the sense of a totally Oh, track dude a adorable name or like a like a frog. Oh, I think he said toe. I think you're in love No, so we met a giant like Susie cream cheese. Oh, yeah. Oh, no no, it was a toad, like a talking mushroom. Oh, that's weird. Oh, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, shit? Did they have, did they have toad stool? Oh. I mean, like, we didn't, you know,

sorry if that's personal, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that was a rude question. I apologize. I apologize. Just get, just get, just get, just get, just get, just get, just get, just get. Everyone poops. Yeah. You keep get it. Just get it. Everyone poops. Yeah.

You keep writing that down as if it's gonna become something. Everybody. Also, I brought back some talent wine. Ooh, oh, no thanks. I'd love for someone to take a drink and then say something. No thanks. I'd like to take a drink of talent wine and then revisit my script that I've been dressing down.

Good night, Mon. Just I feel like there's something missing. If I could just I could just crack the code. I don't know. Good night, Mon is a I feel like a pretty good story but it could be great. Well, before you do that, I'm gonna take a sip of my drink. No, no. There's a slumber cup. Damn. Well, you know, one of the things I've always noticed about, you know, drinking spells is that you sometimes have some adverse effects, you know what I mean? Like, like, like I said, feast and famine,

whatever something is given, something's taken away. You know, so, you know, I just be careful how much, you know, you know, I'm sick from that cup, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I mean, he had a problem with red potion for quite some time, so maybe we should be keeping him off the slumber cups. The same, you know, sometimes you get in that cup, you know, using them come out. Yeah. And the use it or what's the, um, I could look at the menu, but I'm lazy.

What's the opposite of a slumber cup? Is there some sort of like wake up juice or? Oh, I think they have a rooster's pin pup. Not fucking. Wow, maybe I'll go to the bar and ask for some more talent line. Oh, maybe a sunshine line? Yeah, I think they've got some sunshine line. Rise and wind, something like that.

Let me, I'll be right back. I'm going to head to the bar and see if I can, because you saw, not to be rude, but seems like you're, you got two tongues today. I don't know what's going on. I'm going to go find you some talent line. Oh, thank you. That, just puff. Ah, damn. Oh, I need to find my don't know what's going on. I'm gonna go find you some talent one. Oh, thank you

Damn my journal Rooster's pin pop what the hell could that fucking mean not a thing nothing. It means nothing at all So Phillyus, you know I can't call you Phillyus. It was all the time say you know sure of course So Phillyus and I don't want to be weird about this, you know, if you okay, let me talk about this with my own army. But, you know, I just... So, I could go back to sleep. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want you to clear this because we need a witness for this. There's so much to use. It's all right. I don't need the money So I just want to let you know that I got

you know, I got a little bit of a secret. Oh, I got to share with you. But I happen to rhyme with San Bibi, who might have possibly in the recesses of her mind when I happen to be doing one of my diamond spells, I think there's most minuscule like Ember. That's like hanging out there. I just want to say that, you know, if there's an Ember, that's like hanging out there. You know what I mean? I just wanna say that, you know, if there's an Ember that might need a little stoking that could, you know, be something you might want to look at too.

You think it has an opportunity for me to rekindle the flame that did once burned brighter than a thousand stars in the sky? Who's the San Vibia? Yeah, Genelevia. Genelevia, Genelevia, Genelevia, Genelevia. Come on man. Come on. He doesn't have my grind. Usador, I found something that might be helpful. It's anunciation, Jin, and before you accused me, no, I did not have a very delicious drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. It's a very delicious drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink.

And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink.

And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed to be a drink. And I enjoy the fact that it is allowed me have a drink. Ah, ah, I see now. This is a very delicious drink, and I enjoy the fact that it has allowed me to speak more clearly this evening. Chun, is this that same stuff you butt-checked at one time and you're just like shooting rabbit pellets for a week? Well, I'm going to take a big swig of let's take a break. We'll be right back. And welcome back to the second half of Hello from the Magic Tethern.

Know that dark deans are round area corner, and the dark lords forces though they continue to advance. They shall eventually be pushed back by our band of merry warriors today represented by Trunc the Badger. Hello Chimulus them off. What up and sleeping under the table? On in e-cam. He's always so sleepy. So you meant sleepy. He's always so sleepy. And why is he always put that feather above his mouth whenever he sleeps? I hate it.

Well, that's how you know the potions work. If you don't get a high levitation on the feather, that means it's not really true sleeping potions. I guess you're right. When you're right, you're right. I guess. It was like a dose. A dose dose is very different from like a sleeper potion.

Hold on, a dose dose. Am I an unceased and moron? A dose dose. A dose dose. A dose dose. She bruises a cup of coffee and a cup of capa pop. Yeah, that's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I must know, what can I do to win back the heart of the good lady, Jim Levy, other egg? No, look, I don't want to, don't wanna speak out of school, you know, but I just, I think that maybe, just maybe, if you were able to give up one, maybe two of your secret names, and give them to her as a gift. Oh, that's almost like when you, you know, when you're young and you don't know any better

and you get your parents like a coupon book and it says like Good for one hug or like all eat the dishes like stuff like that. Oh At first I I balked at this idea, but now upon a moment's consideration There's some shitty ones that I wouldn't mind dumping off Um, I mean Can't be given a cast off names man. What no? mean, you said don't get rid of Fluster but, that's my favorite.

I can't get rid of the good ones, Jimmiles, and Fluster but is a really good one. I'm just saying that you know how names are. There's a secret name, and there's much of things we have, right? So powerful. Oh, you guys talking about names? Yeah, there's so about names, you know.

But, because this is why I believe, you know, I, you know, but it cuz this is why I believe you know I said like if you have a wizard like that walks into your life, you know And then you give her the most precious thing that she knows that no matter what you went through no more what happened There's an eternal bond that's there. It's almost like fate has come down and like intertwined your destiny. I mean, look, there's nothing a modern wizard woman likes better than a guy giving their name. Secret as secret. No, no, you keep her, you know, you keep your name, you know, keep your name.

I once gave a, I once gave a mate something precious, but it was based on a book, so they don't me. Was this a fire? You said, have you considered letting Gen Levia have the secret name, Yousador. What? Like you are giving your most precious name to her to be a secret name,

and then we could never call you use it or again. That was the least secret of all. It's the least secret of all. It's the biggest one on top of the t-shirt. Or is it? Well, I don't know. Then people have to buy new t-shirts.

Well, fine. I suppose I could give her my favorite name, Bagel Miefingies. That's a good one. Yeah, it's a really good one that I really love a lot. Oh, do you have some more in Nansishian? Yes, I had a little more, a Nanshii. God damn it. Or do you have a sarcasm, Rick?

It's a sarcasm, Sazarek. I didn't know how I could say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it's one of those things, you know, I'm just saying, like, not me honest, like, she is pissed off. Like, yeah, it's one of those things, you know, like I'm just saying, like, not beyond, it's like she is pissed off. Like, yeah, it's gonna take a while. It's gonna take a while for you to like win her back, you know,

but I think that what's a couple, you know, 100 years to us, you know what I mean? Not nothing. Yeah, nothing. I can sleep through that. Take a slumber cup, wake up 100 years, who gives us shit. Yeah.

Speaking of old flames, Jimilus, I am. Oh, this is so embarrassing. I got some stuffed mushrooms from the bar when I got that an un-saced gen. And I put them right in front of you. And you must be so horny from the smell and so sad from the memories. Let me just move this plate.

Why is it whenever you bring any app to the table at some point you have to go, So sad from the memories. Let me just, ah, let me just move this point. Why is it whenever you bring any app to the table at some point you have to go, oh, guys, or hey, wow, you must be so horny from this, I'm so sorry. Cause I can read a room. Okay. Well, you know, any stuffed appetizer you put on the table is gonna remind somebody of something,

something to deal with. 100%, 100%, 100%, 100%. But you know, I've moved out of my life, you know, I mean, I'm no longer, I'm no longer, you know, toadin' it up, you know, like, you know, sometimes, you know, I get down with a couple of crustaceans, you know, or, you know, like a couple of crustaceans, like, I mean, like I don't wanna start like,

locker room talk or anything, but like, a couple of crustaceans at the same time? Well, yeah, I'm actually a positive person, you know? I'm all about, you know, the idea of like, live your truth, you know, have the time to make the shifts you want, you know? Can I just say, Jamel, I'm like Arnie, I never wanna kink shame.

So if you're not into that, told us do anymore, your princess isn't another castle. And if that castle is crustaceans, get at it. Get them pinch boys. Yeah, I'm a pan wizard. You know, so I'm attracted to the outside person. I'm attracted to the spirit inside. Yeah, that's beautiful.

Yeah, so I can be with anybody. You know who I always thought would be a good match for you, Jamilis. No. And Thelius, the Cobbler. Do you remember how Thelius? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I don't know why.

I just thought I thought you just seem to have a lot in common. You seem to like the same things. You seem to really just have a rapport. He's great. I just, I can't stand Cobbler. You're a bad guy. Yeah, I'm a bad guy all the way. Oh, what it would I can't stand Cobbler. You're a pie guy? Yeah, I'm pie guy all the way. Oh, what it would.

That's not true. You notice if you ever met pie guy? Never met pie guy. Ony knows pie guy. You know pie guy, right? Ony? I prefer cake guy. Anytime I've eaten a Cobbler,

it's just not what I hoped it would be. And I don't know if it's like, you know, that they work in like closed quarters or I, I just don't know. It's just not what I thought. But do you, you do you. But what I turn over, dude. I mean, I like the right toppings.

With the right toppings. I like turnover, dude. Yeah. If that's what floats your boat to that and go for an icing. And it's just nice when you get to a comfortable place and then all that, you can just say turn over, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Best of both worlds. I would say I could give Chenevue, the name that the vampires know me by, Anthony Don Walker, but her name that the vampires know her by, Beyonce Bloodlust, is already so much better than mine. That's true.

You know, like a lot better. Yeah, I mean, like the fact of like it just overshadows, you know, even great names next to it. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, some episode we should do like brackets, we should do like a like a, like a, like a, a Zard name bracket and declare once and for all the winner.

Maybe in March. Ooh, that sounds cool. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah, you maybe we could have, you know, have like a nice viewing station somewhere in, in dozens, you know? So you get like,

oh, that'd be great. Check out all the action, maybe, place of bets on who you think would win. You know, and this is, I guess this is based on past tournaments, but I just hope that it's all Zards and I just hope that fucking Duke doesn't enter. Anytime that fucking Duke, any Duke that enters is so easy to root against.

They're just pieces of shit. If I could just perform to every Duke and that fucking face that'll uptown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, if you happen to have like, you know, a ram that happens to also, you know, fix roofs, you know, they always take those dukes down, you know. I mean, they put that tar on their heels and they just like, get up on there, you know, they always take those dukes down. You know what I mean?

They put that tar on their heels and they just like, get up on there, you know, and make sure those dukes are in their place. And you can see the footprint run on their face. It's so satisfying. Yeah, absolutely. But you know what, it'd be awesome is that, you know, dozens could sponsor it, you know,

with those, you know, buffalo, you know, wild legs, you know, they could definitely be sponsors of the tar. Ooh. You know, I was gonna say, like, you know, they could definitely be as positive as that's our new. You know, I was gonna say, like, you know, March is not that far away, but there's no way we're gonna still be at dozens by March, but who am I kidding? I, you keep, you keep drinking those slumber cups. We're not going anywhere.

Oh, that reminds me, where's my slumber cup? Right, you don't need it. Stay awake. Already here, try some of this, sir, Cazarek. No, thank you. Did you have some already? No. So, as I say, like, you know, I just wanted to just make sure I come back around

and make sure, you know, and I give you all the info. I'm loving this trend of this story. But, you know, the thing I think that is important to know is that, you know, be able to understand your mortality, you know, like the fact that like obsidian, you know, it was just, you know, like we're looking for it, you know, I mean, we're after the thing that can kill us. You know, that has an effect on somebody. And that's, I think that's the thing when I was, I was kind of like searching

somebody and that's I think that's the thing when I was I was kind of like searching all of food for more obsidian using my my diamond spell that's when I happen to catch that little glimpse you know of of what you know to maybe a hand or head you know that like you have that little tinge a sea in what might happen you sometimes have a little peek like hey what hey, what about this person? What about this thing? Fleeting moments, worth it. One other thing I gotta say though, I had a weird thing is like, I could read every, that moment I read everybody in the entire land of food.

Except for one person, I couldn't, I couldn't, who, I couldn't read one person. I actually, that's why, I'm here. I don't know if you know, I actually didn't come here just randomly. I'm actually here because, already I saw what everybody was thinking for like a brief second, except for you, man. Whoa.

What? Yeah, I couldn't see, I couldn't see in your head, man. Was he asleep? Is it because his head is so dense? What? No, there was something, something blocking my ability to see what what I can see everybody in their eyes mine for one second It's a you know what and I just want to apologize for what you probably saw in my mind for one second I also want to know no no no no I don't I don't think I don't think you thank you

And then I'm sorry for putting these crab legs right in front of you. You must be so horny I know you know they say don't fuck where you eat So I'm just gonna move these crab legs away from you. And again, I'm so sorry. But you know, you can always eat what you fuck. Yeah. In fact, you should eat it before you fuck. You should. I mean, that's the way to do it.

You can have me as the way you do it. You know what I mean. You know, you. That's my Zard, that's my Zard right there. But they have grave news. Oh yeah, for this week on Hello from the Magic Tapper, the hair, all doings and great mysteries being solved. For Jamilis, if you could not peer into Arnie's very mind,

it is because there is an artifact placed within there. That artifact that the Dark Lord so desperately wants. How I wish to reach inside of awnings head and take it out of there, but he won't let me. I think we might have to destroy awnings head altogether. I'm just glad you didn't say arty fact. I need my head. Yeah, I mean, heads are, you know, are placeable.

Arnie, stop reading my t-shirt. I need my head. Don't talk to me before I've had my head. Yeah, I mean, your heads are, you know, replaceable. Arnie, stop reading my t-shirt. I need my head. Don't talk to me before I've had my head. Do you know this is right? We can replace your head eventually. I think, probably. Yeah, this guy has a spell for that. What else is it now than this artifact that we need?

Yeah, what's going on? I mean, it's me. It's like everything I am is inside my head. Okay, but after that, hold on, these are great song lyrics. Let me write this down. Everything I am is inside my head. So do you mind if I use your dream journal for my lyrics?

I'm sure, go ahead. But you know what, there's gonna be some lyrics about Bluey. Chant, flip that over real quick. I want you to cross out Ony's dream journal and write Chant's lyric journal. Chant's lyric journal. Chun's lyric journal. Oh, yes. Remember your first, man.

You always remember your first. Say that again, Jibalus. You said, oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, you always remember your first, man. Drop the yes. Oh, that's it. Good night, Mon.

That's it. It needed an extra. Oh, good night. Oh, Mon. Now we're cooking. I'll be right back. Ah, Ahni, please, just let us destroy your head. No, I need, I need to, you said, or I'm not like you,

or you, Jamil, it's like, you can't destroy my head, it won't grow back, I'll just die. That is a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a spirit, it's your mortal, you know what I mean? Sorry I'm back. It's good Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a... We're in the cheer-wartle, you know what I mean? Sorry I'm back. It's Good Night, Mono. Funny here. I'll be back at the bar, I'm sorry.

Well, obviously none of us drank the talent wine, but that's all right. Uh, look. Ah, Olli, we have to do something about this artifact that Dark Lord wants it, and the Dark Lord will not hesitate to destroy you completely to get it. So I just want to destroy your head and let the rest of you survive. Oh, come up with some other solution. I'm open to ideas. It's brainstorm.

Everything, everything sticks to the wall right now. All right, fine. If we need to stop the Dark Lord, you can destroy my foot. Oh, yay. And that would help, how? I mean, I don't know. you just want to destroy my head. So I thought, like, I could compromise. And this is trying my foot. No, because sorry, I said the bar and it rushed over.

Arnie, you said you're gonna lose your foot? Destroy your foot, then you can't get away if the dark lord tries to catch you, man. That's a terrible idea. Okay, great. What are your great ideas? Stop drinking that sarcasm, right? Jim, I think he's missing a very important point here.

Audi, the artifact we're trying to destroy is in your head. That's why I'm focused specifically on head. Oh, okay. Got it? Yes. So, you know, I do have one idea. There's one idea. Is this something that is, it's a thing I've heard tale of, you know, I think that it

there's a this is old temple and exactly the coordinates of 1916 and if you get to that exact coordinate, then it brings a silence, you know, to all like the the violence, you know that that's happening, you know, and it allows the quiet your mind in a way He's down that you're able to get that thing that's in your head out of your head Look I get when you guys that thing out of your head that's in your head you better Jamil is chant use it or you don't understand. I don't want this thing out of my head. It's my only connection to my world. It's not just that I'm seeing it in my dreams. I think a part of me is home.

Look, I know this thing in my head is dangerous and the Dark Lord wants it, and it could destroy all of Foon that I don't care. I'm sorry, use it or if you take this thing out of my head or or make it stop working in any way I will never fucking forgive you as long as I live okay? Very well very well if that is your desire it is implanted in your head it is part of you, and I am sworn to protect Foon, and therefore, if obtaining this object from thine brain would help the Dark Lord, I will defend you to

my very death, to my very last drop of blood, to the last bit of magical essence stuff, escape my body, I shall fight, and I shall make sure that you are safe. And none shall remove this object from my head without thine explicit consent. Same here. I have your back till you're dying day, because you're my best friend. I swear it didn't happen. Jamilis must ask a favor of the anything, though I hate to burden me with yet another request from me. I must ask that you take back to sweet lady Janavia a simple message, a message that

I am sworn out to protect Arnie for all the rest of my days. And if she does require a name from me, she must ask me to join the Wizards Council once again. I will do that. Hell yeah, Zardco, here we come. Woo! Zardco! Woo!

Now, I realize that's not gonna go over well. Oh, no, no, that's gonna go terribly. But yeah, but I think that is the, it's about gestures, opening gestures and all that matter, man. Like you playing the long game. Also, maybe over time she's come to really like me. Is that possible? That would help.

I also, I just wanna say opening gestures are exhausting. Just give me the main gesture. Like if I buy a ticket for a gesture, just bring on the main gesture. Opening gestures, they just go on for like 20 minutes and it's like bring out the jester I came to see. You're not that funny with your props. I don't know how it just means.

John, if you don't want to open in jester, how are you discovering new jesters? You have word of mouth, I guess. Yeah, sometimes you gotta get those deep cut jesters, you know what I mean? Like, you know, the ones that are like this. The ones that kill me. Undergrant.

Yeah, the undergrant. I mean? Like, you know, the ones are like just the ones that kill me underground underground. Yeah, the underground. I mean, that got a headline of someday. So you might as well get in on the ground floor. I say I once missed the gesture who killed the room. I was so pissed. But you would have died. Yeah. But it would have been so awesome. What a story. They say not that many people actually saw that gesture. Ginger. Now who needs a Nazi-H gen? Never mind. So I, one thing I want to bring up, I don't know if this has come up yet, but is there a reason Arnie that this artifact connects you to your home? Like, isn't it a big deal that like you're getting all this, you know, connection and information

from your home at the exact time when the dark Lord is making his biggest movies ever made? I mean, that seems like, maybe that's fate. Maybe, are you saying, are we all coming to the, I guess now that I think about it, inevitable conclusion that I might be the most important person in all of Finn, and it was always meant to be this way Yeah, you might be right. Yes

Wish I had more slumber cup. I mean I can probably make a slumber cup for you. Yeah, go ahead and give it one I think he said it. Oh, he just punched me Thank you. Thank you, Jim. Oh, thank you. Yeah, sorry, sometimes just take a taste at your mouth, you know, make sure you're all asleep. The amazing thing about that was he talked for a long time after you punched him and then fell asleep. I mean, sometimes, you know, it doesn't always work right away. It was a much better way. The concussion came on slowly. So we're just going to leave the transmitter where it is. Who can forget cheering in the theatre when Indiana found the arc?

Turn to the camera and said, I think it looks great, right where it is. You've been listening to Hello from the were actually once again in a Magic Tavern. Use it or the wizard was he in this one? Eh, might as well record the credit to be safe. Was played by Mat Young. Chant the talking badger, I can't remember hearing him. Guess they can pull this if I'm wrong. Was played by Adolfa.

Jamilius the Malf was played by special guest Anthony LeBlanc. Anthony is currently the interim executive producer of the second city theater in Chicago. I know, right? So kind of a denathor type, I guess? With less running full speed off of triangular rocky crags and more stacks of green lantern comics. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young in Adolf Refyre. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Irwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie, hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

You know, someone asked me recently how I might end this transmission on a note of suspense. I'm not time to get up buddy. Come on it's snowing outside. You gotta see it. Come on out of bed. Sleepy head. Get your boots on, kiddo, we're gonna make us a snowman. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Here, no!