Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 75 - Blacksmith (w/ Lily Sullivan)

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

A shopping trip to stock up on new weapons leads to an unusual blacksmith named Sylvia.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSylvia the Blacksmith: Lily SullivanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You think I reglass really drums up 4-5, Uber-2-E subjects with stories to tell on a given theme every week? Listen again, most of the Mabrancin' Pin Show doing an accent. Keep that in mind the next time you're watching Beverly Hills Cup 2 and can't stop thinking about Sarah Vowel. But it's the beginning of a new year, filled with limitless promise and potential. So let's jump into roughly the same format we've been clinging to since 2000 and Yarn. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host, Arnie Neumann. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Several years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, chronically, in our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. And explaining everything else seems daunting.

I guess the only important thing right now is there's like a magical artifact in my head that the Dark Lord wants. So that's probably not good. We'll get it out, buddy. One way or another. Do you got a cap? But chunt, that's a thing good. We'll get it out buddy. One way or another. But Chant, that's the thing. I do not want it out. It is my only connection to my life on earth. That's right Chant, watch mine self, for I have recently committed mine self to defending Arnie its life and the artifact in his head at all costs. So if you were to lay hand on him or attempt to reach in

and pull out that sweet plum in his brain, I would have to strike thee down. Oh, Arnie, I know what we could do. We could take you to a shrink. Okay. You wanna go to shrink? Do you know what a shrink is? I mean, I know what a shrink is on earth

and I'm really open to it and I feel like I've done some, I've done some podcast sponsorship ads. They're really eloquently talk about that experience. Oh, it's probably the same. So here you go to Shrink and what they do is to make your head real small. And then it can remain tight. They can remove anything that was inside of it.

And I mean anything. So they kind of beetle juice me. What's that now? They kind of beetle juice me one more time? No, I cannot. That's it. That's the most times I can do that. Damn it, we almost had it.

Great, now I want some cream of cottage. Look, Chunt, I hate to say it, but, oh, I'm kind of the most important person in food right now, so you guys gotta protect me. Yes, we must be willing to do anything to make sure that Arnie and this artifact are safe. And I, for no reason whatsoever, would like to clarify that all the times I have called men and women to arms to fight for food,

it's to make sure that the correct and proper government is in place. No reason. Oh, good. All right. You know, speaking of protecting Arnie, I feel like such an idiot. I seem to have lost. You know my giant war protecting Arnie, I feel like such an idiot. I seem to have lost, you know my giant warhammer? Mm-hmm.

I can't find it anywhere. I don't know if I left it in another form, or I don't know what's going on, but yeah, I mean, we haven't referenced it for like two or three years so it could be anywhere. I know, so yeah. I feel like I just need some new weapons. You know, I know danger is around every corner,

and I know as a badger, I'm calm, but I'm a badass, you know, tiny bit ferocious, but for a badger. For a badger, but it's always nice to have some sort of weaponry, you know, something to defend yourself or to attack another. I walked past the Blacksmith as I entered this very tavern, and I think that we should go and get us some more weapons to help keep the proper government

That is meant to be in power the Bellaroths that are good and forward thinking and good and kind in power Okay, already what is going on? Is it right? I don't know he's leaning on this hard all of a sudden I feel like he's feel like there's something happened with him But I'm nervous to delve into it too much. I mean, I saw some soap coming out of his ear, so maybe he washed his brain and that's what's going on. That could be, that could be absolutely.

Just keep an eye on him. My point is, I'm not suggesting that people overthrow a government for no good fucking reason at all. Oh, I see. Because you know what you say. I just want the specific government to stay in power. I could kind of read that either way. Right, right, right. I'm just clarifying that point. Let's go get some weapons.

Follow me! I'm excited. It's kind of like we're going shopping. Ooh, let's walk arm and arm. Okay. D, D, D, D, D, make it our way down the road. D, D, D, down the road. This is fun and theory,

but our height difference makes this very awkward. Yeah, I'm basically swinging between and two of you. One, two, three. Wee! Did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds? Wee! You had me at wee.

Pardon me. Hey, welcome, welcome. What the hell, the proprietor of this blacksmithery? How are you guys? Oh, oh, we're getting our- So many fun friends. I am very well. I am Yusudor, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious

master of light and shadow, manipulate her of magical delights, devour her of chaos, champion of the great pulls of Turokus, the elves no me is fiendy, the dwarves no me is shown in in hook stangies, and I am no one in the northeast as guessmaniac may star, the northeast, with a proper government, the bellaroth family sits in power, and I support them fully,

and they were duly put there by the proper laws of the land. Great end, and hello, I am Chant the Shape Sh Shifter and this is my best friend Arnie the human. Hi, I'm from another world, also the Dark Lord once my brain, but you don't need to worry about that too much. Oh my god, I see, you guys are so cute. I love this. Oh, can I ask do we come on too strong? No, just right, just right, honestly. Oh. Welcome to my shop. All three of us. All three of us just right. One of you is a little much. It was a little overwhelming. Um,

but then the other two sort of calmed me down and the other two made it a little bit better. Oh, that's good. Um, what's your name? My name is Sylvia. Oh, um, welcome to my shop. Are you guys looking for swords? What are you guys looking for today? Oh boy. Obviously, I'm a blacksmith. I do all sorts of fun stuff. Oh.

Yeah, your apron says kiss the blacksmith? Yeah. Oh. That's me. And what's that? Is that a grill that you're behind or is that some sort of fire? What is that? Yeah, this is that some sort of fire? What is that? Yeah, this is my big huge fire. This is where I sort of make my stuff.

But it's funny, like there's such a common misconception about blacksmiths that we only work with metal. Have you heard that? Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, so now I work with so much fun stuff I work with wood. I work with stone, I work with grass, I work with hay, I work with found objects, I work with rocks. I love rocks. This is really interesting. How you work with stone and rocks? Stone and rocks, yeah.

Which is a common misconception that those are the same thing. I guess one hay shield, please Well okay slow down. This is a process. This is a process. I I like to get to know who I'm making. I'm sorry. I got excited. I'm so sorry. Yeah no it's fine. I usually ask a series of questions. I get a series of your personality and then we can dive in to sort of. I see. So it's not a situation where someone would just come in here and say like, uh, hey, I'm here for grass. No, no, no, no. It's not one of those things where you can just, you know, be like, I have the money, I can I buy a weapon, which is just insane to do.

Yeah, it makes sense that there should be a process. Yeah, so I usually like to get a sense of, you know, who I'm working with and make sure that we're getting the right sword for you, you know. Yeah, by checking out backgrounds out, that makes perfect sense to me. Yeah, but mostly like your personalities, you know, like what would you do in certain situations so that we can make sure that I

guess it was, you know, the right sword for you. Oh yeah, Arnie, this is this is very similar to something we have in food called Cosmos quiz. So it's in the cosmos and the cosmos come out, comes out like, you know, well, every month, I guess there's a new cosmos and cosmos will have this quiz and you answer these questions. It'll be like, how many drinks do you have a week and it will tell you what type of you know, monster you are, what kind of personality you are, you know, it's just a really fun kind of thing. So maybe, Arnie, do you want to go first? Hmm.

So you're so, I could take this quiz and it'd be like, ooh, you drank too much of this week, you're a monster. Yeah, come to think of it, the cosmos quiz, it's always, how much do you drink per week? So huh. Are other people administering this quiz to you? Are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they

like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are you like, are you drinking too much of this week? You're a monster. Yeah, come to think of it, the Cosmos quiz, it's always, it's always, how much do you drink per week?

So huh. Are other people administering this quiz to you? Are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are they like, are Let's all get swords. Let's let's figure out this process. What's the swords for us? This is so fun. Oh my god. Okay. Who am I starting with by the way? Who's going first? I'll go first and just so you know I'm a total carry in terms of like I like the carry the weapons. Okay, we'll see a lot of people think that they know what the sword that like is supposed to be for them is and Actually, you have no idea. You have no idea. Okay, so I guess I'll start with the first question I ask, which is, um, okay, you're out in this field. And let me close my ass. You're running and you're running and you're running. And there's this massive dragon behind you,

just breathing fire. It's gonna burn you up. And suddenly you see a cave ahead and you've run into the cave. So do you a, take the poison out of your bag and kill yourself or b, do you go out there and you fight the dragon and then kill yourself. I think I see take out the poison and try and throw in the dragons.

Well, there is no C. Okay, I see. I'm sorry, I A, I A. There is a D though. Oh, details. D. Give me the D. I'll give you the D. But he just wants the second half of the D. He wants the details. D. Give me the D. I'll give you the D. But he just wants the second half of the D.

He wants the details. Yeah, I'm with the tail end of the D. I'm gonna give you the D. Okay. You go out there. You try to talk to the dragon. You try to call him down. You try to actually converse and make this better.

Knowledge is the most formidable weapon. And then after you go in the cave, and you this better. Knowledge is the most formidable weapon. And then after you go in the cave, and you kill yourself. I think D, because yeah, I think I would diffuse the situation, and then he would walk away, and I would feel terrible about, a dragon's got a dragon, that's their whole purpose is to cause chaos.

And if the dragon doesn't kill me or eat me, I feel like I've let them down. And so I just want to, you know, I want to punish myself. Okay, oh my god, you are totally a hay boy. I'm a hay boy! You, I know I'm going to be working with hay for you. So that's usually, that's how I choose the material that we're going to use. Does someone want to go next or do you want me to like,

move onto the shape? I'll go next. Ask me any question I fear, not these questions, although you should know. I am a bit of a Miranda because I believe people should be read their rights. Oh, okay. Well, I'm a carry as in, I think you should carry your rights.

Oh, okay. Who wants to? Okay, X-J. Okay, here we go. You are in an ocean. A C. You're at C. You're swimming. Is that the C question or is that the A?

Or we haven't got to the A? We haven't gotten there yet. Your seat. Classical. Please, please, my process, my process. Of course, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. You're... Classic, I'm in Hayboy. Please, my process, my process. Of course, I'm sorry. Keep your eyes on your own test. Please, John.

I'm still overwhelmed. I'm so sorry. It's all right. No, it's funny because I thought that he was gonna be a handful and now I'm really saying you are. Ha ha ha. Guys, I'm just gonna take this poison. I'm sorry.

I fucked it all up. I'm sorry. No, I'm fine. My little Hayboy. Okay, so you're at C. You're swimming, right? So forget about A and B, we're starting at C with this one. Ony, shut up.

C, S, E, A. I'm just trying to show that I can be difficult as well. Yes, exactly. Honestly, you were barely difficult. You were barely difficult. Oh, thank you. But he made the same joke I did just 30 seconds later. But it was kind of cuter with him.

Wow. Anyway, so you're at C, S-E-A, you're in the water. You're drowning, right? You're drowning, you're drowning. Can't breathe. Okay. All of a sudden, this big, huge shark comes out of the water a monster really and then you realize that the second half of it is a human it's a merman and he says I can

either bring you down into the water to live with us down here forever or I can kill you right now so do you a, go down underwater and live with him and then kill yourself. B, kill him and then swim as vigorously as you can back to shore and then kill yourself. Okay. Or C, do you have a nice conversation with him? Do you come first with him? Do you actually say, you know, what you need in the scenario and like make sure that this is the right choice for you given your circumstances and like the life that you've been living. And then kill yourself. Obviously, sorry, did I say C I met in D. That was D. There is no C because we already

had C. Exactly. So he's on land. Oh, and can I just say you said, or I once dated a half man, half shark, his name was Mark, and he was great. So just take that into consideration. Mark shark. Got us. I just said, got us. You're a handful. That's all I was going to say. All right. I would really would love to hear more about Mark, but we can do that another time. I would do A, where he drags me underneath the seat, to live with him forever, and then I kill myself.

Okay. Because I would immediately come back. I'm a great wizard, and I would be resurrected. Maybe not quite as I am now, but a blue wizard would certainly appear again, not far from what I had been struck down. So no problem. Your rock heart. Well, you gave me the D, so that helped.

You are a rock heart. And I'm a handful. So now we know that you're a rock boy. Nice. We got our hayboy or rock boy. Oh, right. Oh, and sorry to dwell on this, but what makes, so what makes, what makes, what makes, what makes,

what makes me a hayboy? Hey boy, is it just like, is it just that like horses want to eat me, is it that I'm kind of, I kind of go with the wind What makes what makes me a hey boy? Cuz you gave me the answer, but I don't know if I got the full Real for the full reason yeah, well, okay, so you said that you wanted you would talk it out, right? Yeah, okay, so that like let's be know that you're kind of your weak your meek

You're kind of like a beta Okay, you like to be walked all over like, hey, we also kind of go with the wind, you go with the flow. Yeah, yeah. Well, I want you also to be fair, you like to be eaten by other animals. That's true, and I was once, when I was dating Mark, I once watched a hydra fuck him while I sat in the corner on a little stool. So does that count as it does that make me a Hayboy?

That's a total Hayboy. Hey now, don't dream it's over. That's a smile because it happened, not because it's gone, right? So that's why you're a Hayboy. Do you want to know why you're rock hard? Well, I think it's just because I have a very steely, sort of a sure-ored way that I speak and carry myself through the world. And I, oh, Vos love rocks.

Look, I have a healing rock right here in my pouch. Oh, wow, beautiful. I can smash anyone with this rock and it heals them. Well, I was just gonna say, I think it's because you're kind of stiff, you know? Oh. You sort of just like, are this like, force? Like you just like, oh, come in.

And you like, you're like, wham. An undeniable force of nature. Well, I take this as a wonderful compliment and I thank thee. Yeah, you are kind of like Wham. I already says it all the time. He says you're very much like Wham. Because a lot of times before you leave on a mission, Arnie and I will be asleep and you kind of shake us out a bit. Yeah, you know when she said WAM,

I knew we were gonna spend some time talking about it. I do like to wake you up before you go, go. And last, Christmas, you were being a total WAM. Just the way you were like running around the tavern and screaming, well, I gave you my hot. And then the very next day you took it away. And of course, Sylvia, I don't want to speak for you, but as far as I know, in my limited travels and knowledge,

WAM stands for Wizard, has mental breakdown. Yeah. And there's a silent bee. Yeah. Yeah, well actually, it isn't even a silent bee. We just say, mental breakdown, real fast like that, because we don't want to think about it too much. I'm not like that.

Middle break down. Ony, take the test. All right, great, but before I take the test, I've got to say I'm a bit of a charlatte, and that's because I'm just, I'm not a Samantha. I wish I was a Samantha. I just don't have that kind of power. That doesn't mean anything.

I'm so glad to hear it. Honestly. The main thing that I just want to reiterate is that this is this could be kind of painful for you guys. I mean it's not it's not fun to like look yourself in the mirror. You might think that but things can turn ugly. Oh it's true. I once stared into a meh if I 10, and it just got stranger and stranger. Can I ask why you gave that? You didn't give that warning before the first two tests, but as soon as it came to my test,

it was like, oh my goodness. She knows it. She knows it. Oh my goodness. She knows it. Suck her when she sees one. This is gonna be a really top of it of introspection, specifically involving your face.

I once stared in a mirror at 9 a.m. while sipping alcoholic tomato juice, and I took three sips and I barfed because I was so scared. I sleep with a mirror. No, I don't need your whole details. Wow. Huh.

No, it's just, it's the best way to sleep. So warm. Sounds comfy. So yeah, just to reiterate once more, you might not like what I have to say. And that's who you are. OK. I am a mirror in a way.

I'm almost like a therapist in certain respects. Or a shrink, but I don't really shrink anyone's heads anymore. I use to. Oh, you don't. So here's your scenario. OK. You're in hell. Oh, you don't so here's your scenario You're in hell

Wow sucks already well, let me start picking out a weapon. Let's see here You're in hell and you burn Okay, you burn and you burn and you burn and you burn. And you burn. I got it. There's a sound of fire. I can't. I got it. Baaah.

No, this tracks. This tracks. This eye contact is very intense right now. Both her hands are in the flame and it's not doing anything. Baaah. Baaah. And she prefaces by saying it was going to be painful for me. Baaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oh, you're okay. All right, Sylvia. Ugh, I don't know what happened. Oh my gosh. Sylvia, Sylvia, Sylvia, Sylvia.

Was that an A? Was that A? Yeah, were the endless nightmare screams? Was that the A choice? Oh my gosh. Or was that like, A! That's never happened to me before, not since 300 years ago. So it has happened before.

I mean, that's long enough. I think that's a long enough amount of time that you can use. It feels like a reset. Yeah, yeah, you could say never. And before that, it hadn't happened to me for six, 125 years. You're very old.

I'm only 300 in something odd years. I'm surprised you've been around this long. And before that, it was three days. Oh, that's, see, that's not long. Wolf, what a week that must have been. Those are the exact, those are the exact numbers that Yusur gives when he says he's never been kissed. Sylvia, this might be rude, but I do have to ask. I mean, just, you know, based a little bit on your appearance, uh, based on the fact that you put both your hands and your head eventually in the fire and were unaffected,

and based on how long you've been alive, are you, well, you made metal? You made a metal? I made of...fire! Oh, a fire elemental! How exciting! Wow, it must always be trying to escape. Escape you, right? Now see, we should have known this because right on the door right over the door There's a sign right there that says blacksmith fire elemental Sylvia Plath. Oh, if you read the fine print You'll see

It's really small. It's really small. I gotta say, she's a fire elemental. You're never getting that fucking hay sword. Next order is a shop that said Carle Plath, but I guess we took the plath, let's take him. Oh, that's hard to say. But worth it. I have never met someone like you before, except for 300 years ago.

And the whole way back, 625 years, and before that, three days. Yeah. And the, or that, a half an hour. Was it the same one? It was the same one. And it was, he came back. So I'm most interested in that three day gap. Like after that three days where you just like fuck off this again.

It was the longest day of my life. Is this all part of Anni's question? I don't even need to ask any more questions. Except for one. No, so there's one. Are you gonna kill yourself? Uh, where? Oh.

Fire! Um, seems like a yes or no question, are you gonna kill yourself a fire? Oh, okay. Am I gonna kill myself with fire? I'm gonna be on it. I'm gonna try not to. No? No.

Yeah, no. Sorry. Oh, here we go. No? No. Yeah, no, sorry. Oh, here we go. Here we go. We got a heyboy, we got a rock heart. What's the third one? Here we go. My sword is made of sticks. Mm-hmm.

Well, this is a real thinker for me. I haven't. I've never come across someone who said this to me before. No one has ever said no to being destroyed by you or by fire. I assumed it was you. When I've had that type of fire, when I felt your fire like that, I know that you want to kill yourself with fire. And then you said no.

I haven't had that happen of me in 300 years. And before that, 625. Yeah, I think that was 625. Before that, I guess 3 days. Yeah, yeah. 3 days. I don't want to be rude. Based on your appearance, based on the fact

that you put your hands in the head and the fire, based on how long you've been alive, are you drunk? Yeah. How many, a look up at the sky? I guess we're indoors. Imagine you're looking up at the stars. I have a quiz for you.

Imagine you're looking up at the stars. How many drinks you have this week? I've had wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, beer, meat, wine, okay. Can't be too drunk then. How'd a beer and a meat thrown in there must be soaped up? A normal day. Yeah, you're then wine, doing fine.

Wine then beer, beer. Yeah, you know the expression. Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, before beer and the clear. Well, now I know who you are and I know I know the type of sword that you'll take. But it's gonna take me a couple minutes because I have to get it out of the back. A couple minutes. because I have to get it out of the back. A couple minutes. No, no, no, no. I don't want it as sword now. It's gonna take a couple of minutes.

So your inventory is just in the back. So what's this anvil and all that's firefully? This is where. Just to put your head in hand, is it? I'm going to get the material. Oh. We haven't even gotten to the shape. Oh, you're right Well, Sylvie needs a couple minutes to go with the materials. It's the perfect opportunity for us to take a break

Wait a break for how long? She's been back there for a Kind of a while Arnie give it a kind of a while. Arnie, give it a few minutes. Okay. I've never bought a weapon before. I don't think, unless I'm forgetting it up the so do where I did.

I'm sure we've bought weapons. Oh, look what I just found in my little satchel. Oh. Press on knives. They're little knives that go on my nails, so I can claw. Oh, those are just my nails. Oh, yeah. You got to stop fighting off your nails and then keep them in your satchel. little lines that go on my nails so I can claw. Oh, those are just my nails. Oh yeah, you gotta stop. I have claws, yeah.

I've gotta stop biting off your nails and then keep them in your satchel. Oh. Oh. Were you running? I'm so scared. Were you. Everything all right?

Sit, hey, sit down for a second. Take my buddy. It's time I think she's recovered. There's still more. I haven't gone back there 300 years When was the last time before that oh six had to be six hundred twenty five six hundred Three days before that

Three days I actually don't remember the one after how do you stay open? If you have so little if you have such little Mouts of business. How do you how do you stay open? Oh, I have lots of business, but you haven't been you haven't been in the back for three years No one no one has ignited what just happened to me and 600 300 ignited, which has happened to me in 600, 300. It's 300, that's it. Three, so it's 25. Look, I'm bad with numbers, and I remember. But before I can show you what I'll be using to make your sword, I think we need to get into shapes.

I think I need to know the shape of each of the swords. Oh, okay. Use it or I'll run away. Yeah. Hey, I just took a peek at the window and there's, I don't know if you saw that there's a sticker from the FBB, the Funish Business Bureau. She got an F. Is that? F stands for Focked. Oh, that's where Focked. I don't know what this lady does,

but I don't think she makes one. The only way out is through. Why would she post that? Let's get into the shapes. I need to know, I need to know the shapes. Do you, I guess just pointy, like a pointy? Come, is she, or Blake should come over? Yeah, you want us to suggest shapes?

Are you gonna ask us another question? Although hold on, assorting the shape of a heart would be fucking crazy. Yeah, I'm like that. I'm starting to think of some quirky shapes. You don't get to decide your shape. All right. The shape picks you.

Oh, I can't. Ain't that the truth? No. Some people think they're going to have such a big, long, sharp thing, sharp sword. And no, no, no. Yours will be dull. yours will be small. Well, if it's a wider sword, you can cut it, right?

You can temper it so it's a little more shapely and clean. Some people say it's how you use it, but it's not. Yeah. Over time, the sword gets shorter. That's a thing, right? Like, what? Like, that's kind of common. I don't know about it.

Like, over a lot of time. Oh, boy. Well, I'll go first since I was first with the scenario. I guess I'll go first for shape. So, hey, boy, hey, boy's up a bit. Hey, boy, hey, boy, let's go. Okay, again, I'm gonna give you a scenario. You're running, running.

Okay. And you realize you've run off a cliff. Do you, A, keep falling to your death and die and kill yourself? Well, I don't know if I fall off a cliff. I don't know if I- With a cop's coat, count that as a suicide. Or B, so you just drop to your death and kill yourself. Or D.

D? Yeah? So you just drop to your death and kill yourself. Or D. Oh. D? Yeah. Do you pray? Do you pray up to the goddess and say, take me now, take me now. Good goddess, take me. I'm going to fall to your death and you kill yourself. Oh, fuck.

Wait, wait. To be fair, you did run off. I'm so sorry to interrupt. You've faltered death, and then you kill yourself. Well, Arnie, have you ever seen a Badger with four broken legs? Not much of a, you know, not much of a chance of recovery. Um, Badgers have nine lives.

Oh, do we? Until you kill yourself, and then you have one. That can't be true. You sure, smite me. Do I have to look? Look, look. Let's not just take that on face. Yeah, remember, she got an F.

Fucked. That's right. That's right. Also, guys, remember, everything else that's happened since we've come in here. All right, Chant, you got to pick one. What are you going to pick? Well, Sylvia, I want to ask, based on what you're doing,

it sounds like there's only three types of weapons, and there's only three types of shapes. What? No. Every scenario you're giving only has three outcomes. Each of everything I just said is extremely different from the next. And what you pick will determine your shape. Okay. And your shape will determine whether or not you stay alive if you think about it. Well, I guess if I had my brothers again,

I'd have a heart-shaped sword, but that's not up to me. So I guess I would say D. I'd probably, just like I did with the drag and I try and talk to the goddesses, see what's going on with them, and then, and then take it from there. Okay, wow. So yours is limp. A wow? Only three options. And one of, one of the options there. Okay, wow. So yours is limp.

A wow? Only three options and one of one of the options elicits. Oh wow. I mean, there's a 33% you should be prepared. Wow, you threw me for a loop. Didn't see that coming. You threw me for a loop. I shouldn't have. Sounds like you threw you for a limp. Your shape is limp. So, my weapon is limp-hey. Yes. That's your weapon. That's your sword. I mean, aren't you glad we came to this blacksmith, Chant? I guess it's lucky I have nine lives if I go into battle with limp-hey.

It's one of the most expensive. Oh, come on. Is that real or are you just saying that?'s one of the most expensive. Oh, come on. Is that real or are you just saying that? No, it's very expensive. Very well, I am next. Ask me the question and I shall answer. Okay, okay. Sorry, I have one clarifying question.

Please. Do we now call chunt limpey boy? Yes. Okay. Limpey boy. Limpey boy. Limpey boy. Okay, okay.

I'm ready. You're swimming. Hey boy, limp a boy, limp a boy. Okay, okay, I'm ready. You're swimming. Again swimming. You're swimming, you're swimming. You're swimming in lava. Ah. Hot hot lava. Do you a?

It's regended. Fry to your death and then kill yourself. Turns a lot of redundance. You know what he's regended. Fry to your death and then kill yourself. Turns a lot of redundance. You know what he's hot. Beel. What are we doing? I want to hear me. I want to hear B.

Do you burst into flames and then kill yourself in the lava or sea? Do you scream? Scream to the man at the end of the volcano. Please, please, please. I need help. Bring help. And he brings the townspeople, and they come, and they surround you.

And they pull, they pull, they pull. And you finally get your last foot out of the lava. And then you just, you kill yourself in front of everyone. And then you die in the volcano. He kills himself in any dyes? Brutal. Your last foot? I hate to traumatize those poor town people. Plus, how do you know where the end of the volcano is?

That seems confusing. The top. The top? The top is the end? The top. All right. The whole. It doesn't matter.

For I am going to select B. I am going to burst into flames to show that volcano. It's not the only hot thing there And then I'm gonna kill myself wait if the top is the end does that mean I'm reading wrong? Any hole is both the beginning and the end any hole is both the beginning and the end So my but holes are timeless. Yes. Wow. Coincidentally, that's the shape of yours. A butthole. Oh. Lucky. Rock-hard butthole.

Oh, lucky. My shape was limp. Oh. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- then raise my rock hard butthole to the forces of darkness. And I shall say unto them, here in attempt to enter this fincter and find destruction on the other end. This is like the biggest fuck you to me. A rock hard buttle is the weapon. I have to fight alongside that and keep my eyes on the enemy. Shut, shut, you can have my narrative. I've already got a sword and a staff. Fuck yeah.

I don't know that I'm ready to move on yet. Oh my god, yeah. You had a breath again? What's going on? Oh. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Jesus.

Jesus. Oh, that's that feeling. Do you need some water? Will that kill you? Look, whatever comes out of my mouth today, I don't know what it is. I have no control over what I might say or I might do. I want you to know that.

The energy. So you're just sort of, you're an elemental, you're fire elemental, but it seems like you're maybe just sort of channeling energy. Is that what you're saying? Yes. You're a vessel for prophecy. Wow. Ooh, wow.

I'm having a hard time unpacking if this is a you thing or a me thing. It's a you thing. Okay. Adi. Oh, a you thing. You should go to the doctor. Arnie, it should not be in that shape.

All right, Lymphsword. Arnie, maybe it's the artifact in your brain. Perhaps it's causing this elemental to react in some way. It's an unexpected manner. That's right. This is because I'm, you know, I hate to say it because I hate to make it about me, but I'm probably the most important person in food right now. That could be it. You know, it's fine to be the most important person in food, but kind of like, be really kind of like, smugly humble about it is a little annoying. Okay.

Well, how should I be about it? I'll take notes. Either be incredibly proud and say, I am the most important person in all the food. Or just say, like, I'm doing fine. Okay. But it's all the like the faux, like, oh, I'm so humble, I'm doing fine. Okay. But it's all the like the faux like, oh, I'm so humble, I'm so humble.

You're clearly not being humble. I'm doing fine. Sylvia, hold on Sylvia. Guys, when we were at Giselmab, wasn't there a prophecy teacher that was fired? Because all those kids died in a volcano? I remember those kids. You do. I remember those kids. That's that seems damning. They came in here looking for for swords and what they left with was

so dark so so so dark and I that was, 300 years ago. Why'd you make it sound like a horse? Does that help you remember? If this was 300 years ago, I think you're talking about some other kids. Nay, it was 625 years ago. Or three days. I remember those kids. And what I see in you today.

Uh-huh. It's the same. Remember those kids and what I see in you today It's the same It's the same energy That's the kids. Oh, why did I say I was a Charlotte? Okay Okay, I'm gonna give you your scenario. Okay Sylvia, I'm sorry to interrupt. Do you have any hobbies? Goddess.

Yeah, let's get to know you a little bit, Sylvia. Before we wrap this up. I... This is clearly gonna be painful for you. I'm so disoriented already. Yes, I have plenty of hobbies. I do so much. Oh, and once the last time you left.

The last time you left? Yeah. Oh my gosh, I left every day. Everyone is such a treasure. What's your favorite curse word? Fart. What? It's a good one.

It's a good one. Huh, oh, favorite food. I love a slow cooked milk. I gotta try that. SCM, yeah, very good. Feel off the skin, delicious. Yeah. Well, okay got a try that. Uh, SCM. Yeah, very good. Feel off the skin, delicious. Yeah.

Well, okay, back to it. Oh, are we ready? Yeah, okay. I think, yeah. If you're ready, that's the most important part. Are you ready? I'm never ready for someone like you. Okay.

You're on top of a mountain. Mm-hmm. And the... I've heard... Okay, you're on top of a mountain. Mm-hmm. And the half-a-hand BAM! BAM! I think she'll be fine.

I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine.

I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I think she'll be fine. I'm not sick! The stink! So it sticks? Rocks and sticks, I think.

Fuck, I knew I was gonna get sticks. The stink! The stab? You killed yourself in the snow. I killed myself in the snow. I mean, it could be worse. Is that that's option A? If you kill yourself in the snow,

you turn into a snow angel. Oh. Oh, you don't want to be a snow angel. Oh, no. It's the shittiest kind of angel. You're stuck in the snow. You've got wings, but you can't fly. You're too heavy.

You just walk around in the snow like a fucking chump. Yeah, kids piss on you. It's awful. Yeah, yeah. You don't have a halo. People throw a top hat on you look like an idiot I'm sorry and we just Oh, that's I've got the chair here. I've got my healing rock to here. Oh

Feeling better. Yes, I feel great. Thank you. Okay, good. I've never had that happen to be before except for Never oh Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was something I've never experienced You know, I'm thinking about maybe not buying a sword. Not since. That's since May 330th.

Is there a horse behind me? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna need to go to the back. Oh, all right. Okay. For your shape. Huh, okay. Actually, the bottom. I'm gonna need to go to the back. Oh, all right. Oh, okay. For your shape. Huh, okay. Actually, the bottom. I'm gonna need to go to the bottom.

Yeah, well, oh, I thought you'd better shape up. I thought shapes were always on the higher shelves. Oh, I mean, you're a wax myth, so we trust you. I keep my shapes all over. Okay. Your shape, it's down low. I'll go get it. Oh, okay.

It's gonna be a couple of minutes. Okay. Well, now that she's gone to the bottom of the blacksmithery, do you think I should, uh, do you think I should ask her to just sharpen my regular sword? That might be. Or should we sneak out while she's back there? Because have you noticed that she's never mentioned any of the details about my sword?

Yeah. I did notice that. Guys, I have a better idea. Follow me. Let's go down there and see what the fuck she's never mentioned any of the details about my sword. Yeah, I did notice that guys I have a better idea follow me. Let's go down there and see what the fuck she's been doing. Yeah, let's oh yeah This is gonna go well. Yeah, okay She's eating chips. Either that or she's scanning. That looks closely. They're super hot sauracha chips. They must be the sauce of a mala.

She's scarping those down. She's gonna choke. I mean, I know it seems weird, but I've had people over and I've stuck into another room. You just start going crazy on some chips. It happens. Oh, our cover's blown. Oh, Sylvia, oh, sorry to catch you in this state.

We just wanted to make sure that we pay you for your services. Get out of here. That's mine. Okay. Chip time. Okay, we'll give you your chip time. This is one I eat my chip. We're very sorry.

We should not have it here. So sorry. On your inner sanctum. Sorry. You. Those chips look good. You. This is your own. You intersect him. Sorry. You. Those chips look good. You.

This is your sword. She's just holding a chip up in front of my face. Arnie, you're being rude. This is my sword. Arnie, you're being rude. I'm a singer to run me. Arnie, it's a metaphor. Oh, great.

I'm going to defend my life with a metaphor. Think about it. If you impive of that, which gives you power, you need not a sword, you shall be the very power you need. And when the chips are down, you pick them up, and once you stab, you can't stop. S-S Sorry, they were there. I thought they were everybody's chips. Yes. Rock hard little boy. I assumed that that was a metaphor.

Is, is, is the chip a metaphor? Is he just supposed to eat the chip? This is his sword. He should carry this with him, or ever he goes. Okay. To fight off the demons that will surely follow him. For he is doomed. I am doomed? I was alright for a while.

I was like, hey, you know what? I can carry a chip around for a long time. I've done that by accident before. You are doomed. You are doomed. You are doomed. Oh. Well, yeah, he's doomed.

He's going to go into battle with a fucking chip. Come on. That's not fair. You're going to hold on. You know what? No, this is fucked This is f for fuck if you give someone a chip and say they're doomed for battle There's no prophecy there. You're setting them up for failure. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy But you're the one fulfilling it although just watching three months I end up fighting some guacamole and I'm like holy shit

The sword chooses you Chunch right. This is all nonsense. We're keeping the chip But we're gonna go upstairs and we're gonna ransack this place. We're gonna take whatever we want Cool. We're gonna take whatever we want take whatever you want. It doesn't matter It all comes and it goes and it dies and it commits suicide. All right, I'm going back upstairs. I'm going right now. Here I go. These swords die.

I don't want to use them. They all die. Take your limp, limp, limp, hey. And go run and go die. And just leave me be while I eat my chips. Ah. I open up all the chests up here. They're all full of chips.

Everything is chips. It's all chips. Arnie, that's our new shirt. Everything has chips. Look, we're keeping some of these chips. And we're keeping that slogan. Everything is chips? Yeah, that's ours now.

So any merch and in sales we make goes to us. Listen, hear me out. I sure it just says That's trademarked by me If you sell anything with that on it, I'll come and sue you Fine fine fine Silvia we're leaving. Okay, okay, we Sylvia, we're leaving. Okay? Okay. We're sorry and we're leaving. Wow.

I thought you were going to be a handful. Well, I'm limp, so I'm not. I just want to say to my little hey boy and my little rock hard boy and my little chip. A little tiny greasy little chip. As you go out on the field and wander, think of me, but also think. This is a pep dog. This is a pep dog. Take a knee, take a knee, take a knee. But also think about all those little kids that died. That you killed.

Think about all those people who came 600, 300 years ago to the shop and how they all perished. They all died. Think of that. Okay. Is there a multiple choice option or we're just keeping your legacy alive? Arnie, the side of your chips is warritos. That must be the brand.

There's a candy shop owner we should introduce you to sometime. Well, that's it. I filled my hat with chips and I have on my way out. I thank thee for thy time, Sylvia, but I shall never turn to your establishment. Wait a second. You sure let me indent the top of your hat here and Sylvia, don't mind. I'm going to take some of this cheese just dumping indent the top of your hat here, and Sylvie's don't mind, I'm gonna take some of this cheese, just dump it in the middle of your hat and...

My cheese! She sounded upset, but also like she couldn't care less. That was the most apathetic... Well, Yusur now has a chip hat with cheese in the middle. Arnie, you have a warrito and I have limpe. So what do we owe you? 700. Plus. Eight, 92.

Plus. Stop saying plus. Four. Four. Four. Eight. Seven hundred. Plus.

Eight. Ninety-two. Plus. Stop saying plus Four Four Four Four Eight So you do the math That's a lot of gold, but here it is. There you go. Thank you.

Bag full of gold for you. I assume that's going to get you through the next 300 625 Three years, whatever it is, till someone else comes in. You guys have been my favorite customers I've ever had. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you.

You can't be right. Thank you. I never liked anyone more. Thank you for coming in. Her eyes are dead, I don't believe this. This is fun, there's something about us. Please, leave the cheese. Quick, we're out there as the cheese.

I go. Ah! Go, go, go, go. We gotta go, Sylvia. We're not gonna ever come back to your business, but you know if you ever wanna hang out. Socially, look at this up. Oh, sure.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! You did it. You reached the credits! Whatever happened back there, they can't hurt you anymore. The part of Usud or the Wizard was overwrought by Mat Young. The part of Chant the Heyboy was blurted out by Adelre Fyre in between super professional laugh breaks. Sylvia the Blacksmith was played by special guest Lily Sullivan. Check out Lily's new podcast, Going Deep, where she plays an insane couples therapist named Diana Deep.

Going Deep is available on Stitcher Premium. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekam, Matt Young and Adel Rathai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Irwolf producer, Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Sage GC. Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. If this show was a full head of hair, think of Ryan as the shampoo. No, the conditioner. A tiny bottle of hotel conditioner.

That's still in the hotel, it was left behind, unopened. And the hotel is abandoned. Or maybe Ryan's the scrunchy, I'll circle back to this. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay got it. The show is a full head of hair. Ryan is a catalog of different scarves at the bottom of a pile of unread magazines in a barber shop that's empty because it's a crime scene. And I'm a glittery top hat, the kind that doesn't keep you warm, but you can wave it around during a big Broadway number. Oh, I'm the scarf catalog too. We'll figure out what Ryan is next week. Or never. Hear love