Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 76 - Cursed Beast

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Prince Bartholomew Mylph visits to share the tale of his terrible curse.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPrince Bartholomew Mylph: Dan WhiteMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Ad-Free on Wondering Plus. People of Earth. It's 2021, Pod Save America is allowed to be SMARMY again, and this transmission is an

elaborate deception performed by nuanced Earth voice performers. And Matt Young, but just because something is fake doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Ooh, after a member to record Ellen while I'm out getting lunch this afternoon. So, like a hopeful tyke asking for their crappy drawing to be taped to the refrigerator, why not have a listen to our staged, unworthy of critical examination pantomime? Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Several years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago in the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast chronically in our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. And you know, the Dark Lord happens to want a magical artifact that stuck in my head. But I'm doing fine. Oh, but hey, my co-host, uh, Shunt the Talking Badger.

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry, Arnie, there's been some confusion. Um, I don't know if I told you, probably not, but from this point on, I'll be going by Shunt. Shunt? Yes, Shunt the Badger just seems a little more refined, a little more regal. I think I'm going to put my filthy ways behind me and start trying to become a part of upper-crust society. So from now on I'll be Shunt the Badger or shapeshifter, but whatever you say, a true proper man never corrects his friends Okay, sure I don't know if he asked me shunt sounds kind of dirty, but oh you don't want to do it suck my pho, okay? Yes, whatever okay, whatever you want what good morrow good sir who would at all what a tall day

It is what a good man and a tall day what a tall day what a tall day Yes, let me buy you a beverage. What do you require to quench your thirst, my good best friend? Hmm... Harvey Wallbanger? A fuck... Hmm... Harvey...

Yes, a Harvey Wallbanger to tease! To tease! Yes! I'll be right back! Alright, and he's been hovering over me this whole time because he won't give me any space my other co-host used to do the wizard. I am Yusudola, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos! Champion of the great holes of drossed or the elves with his...

What's up with Shunt? With Shunt? I just mean a proper gentleman like Shunso as are. Shunt's up with Shunt? With Shunt? It's just been a proper gentleman like Shanzo as are. Shunt's up with that! Eh, that's not important right now, what I must do is find some way to convert my entire body into plasma so I can envelop you completely. Oh. I have swore.

I have swore. What are you now for the past two weeks to protect you and the artifact embedded within nine brain at all costs To such great length I shall go to transform mine self into a gelatinous state where a new shall wear me like a very skin suit Oh, there's just something weird and Freudian about that that I just don't get inside of me I'm not getting that wizard womb. That's not I can't do that inside of me. I did not get in that wizard womb. That's not, I can't do that. How else am I supposed to protect you all of the time?

Also, you said, or we have been in danger and traveling for years. And you've just the past two weeks have been dedicated to making sure nothing bad happens to me. Well, I was always sort of, if I could let something not bad happen to you. I would do that. Sure, but now I'm really doubling down. Here's your Harvey Walbinger. Oh yeah, B-

A-ha, affirmative infant. Ah, good day to the shunt. Good day to the blue wizard. Wow, how you on me by referring to me as a wizard. Yes, a wizard. Yes, a wizard of the utmost importance. And just so you know, Arnie, please do not call upon me to say any Bing Bong from this day forward, because I'm so regal, because I'm grasping onto the upper

echelon. I will say things and not unlike Bing Bong, something like Bing Cosplay, which is I think something you've mudded in your dream. Shut, can I ask you've mudded in your dream. Shunt, can I ask you a question? Don't talk about my Bing Cosplay, where I get dressed up as the Bing search browser. You said it's local drunk on earth and everyone's glad he's dead.

Oh, no, no, I mean, that would be cool too. I get dressed up as a search browser from the internet called Bing. Oh, very good, very good. I just like to make it quirky. Well, yes. Oh, yes. I shunt, I pardon my interruption,

but at all, I must ask. No need to pardon your interruption. We are going around the horn. A Grammysys. Well, since you are wearing two monocles right now, can't you see clearly that it makes the most sense for me to turn myself into a gelatinous state and completely encapsulate Arnie to protect him?

I do apologize. Let me take out my limp piece of hay and I swear to the Arnie I will protect thee from any approaching evils that do attempt to pounce upon you and just know that me and my limpay will protect you to our dying day. See, we're both working to keep you safe at all costs, but we know how desperately the Dark Lord once had artifact inside your head. And if he was to get his hands upon it, most assuredly, the most evil spell that phoenid air seen shall be cast. Creating desperation and hatred across this beautiful land but we must unite

together to fight for what is good and what is right and to make sure that the proper government that was duly appointed is allowed to do their duty. Ah, not this shit again. I mean, uh, pretty, not this shit again. Wait, you kept shit in the second version? I don't fucking know, I'm new to this. Arnie, how do people do it? I don't understand. I've mad at all my fur down with wax. It feels awful, but I look slick.

Oh, that's what that is. I bought wingtip shoes. I cut the tips off of several birds' wings, and I glued them to my feet. There's still a lot of blood. Those shoes are all birds? And I- oh, all feet. There's still a lot of blood. Those shoes are all birds? And I- Oh, all birds.

And so comfy. And Arnie, I took this snake and I tied it into a bull around my neck. I'm classy, baby! But it's so hard, it's so fucking hard. And you sure still sounds crazy. I don't sound crazy. I simply want to shrink Arnie down

to the very size of a chestnut. Keep him inside my hat. Well, I know he should be protected for all the rest of my days. How's that sound? I can't believe we've got two premises going on that I actually want to engage with at the same time. Premise I my friend. Premise I's. Shut what's good. Yeah let's let's talk to Chant for a while. Talk to whom? Chant pod in me. Thank you. Look I want wanna support this thing. If you are trying to better yourself or just try something different, I'm all about it,

but can I ask why? Like what has brought this about? Buddy, are you serious? Yeah. Last night you were telling me, you know how I was asking you about your childhood? And you know how every day you allow me to ask you one earth question about one earth thing?

Yeah. Well last night I was asking you about your childhood and you mentioned a show called Family Matters and you said there is an annoying little pervert named Stephen Erkel, but then every once in a while he'd go into a machine and when he came out he'd be Stefan Erkel and he'd be more sophisticated and more regal and Laura I think her name was, love that, right? So that's what I'm doing, Arnie. I'm layering you down, got any cheese? And of course, Arnie, family matters.

That's right last night for your one earth question. You were like, are you telling me about some earth sitcom that is generationally kind of just after you would have been interested in it, but do you have some awareness of? And I definitely explain that stuff. Some of it, I don't even remember that I knew. Yeah, I remember you screaming at some point that the dad was the guy from Die Hard? Mm-hmm. I don't know what that means, but he had a very regal name. I remember that. Very regal name. I know, and I'm sorry that I spent so much time talking about how technically it was a spin-off of perfect strangers but nobody really

remembers that. What? That's for your question for next week. Good show, good show, chap, good show. I'm saving my daily earth question. I'll ask it when you least expect it. But guys, we should probably bring on our guest He's been patiently waiting for us to bring him on. Oh, we got a guest this week. Oh Hey fellas, how are we doing? Very good good day to you, sir. Please have a seat. Yeah, look at this fancy fellow over here How's it going my man? Don't scruff my don't scruff my fur. Oh, it's giving me a new yeah, come on Just guys guyin out. Let's go. It's giving me a nook. Oh yeah, come on, just guys, guy and out. Let's go. He's giving me a nook. He's got some ails for everybody.

Oh, thank you. Oh yeah, we're having fun. My name is Prince Bartholomew Milf from the Kingdom of Schwam, and let's address the elephant in the room. I'm a bit of a beast. Oh, oh. Oh, yeah. You seem perfectly lovely to me, you, but the table around the room. I'm a bit of a beast. Oh, oh, oh. You seem perfectly lovely to me, you bought the table around the drinks.

No, no, I know what I look like, I know. This man is royalty, he looks disheveled, he's very brusque, he doesn't seem refined at all. This is a prince. Explain yourself please. Well, you know, guys, let's, hey, let's drop the monarchial formalities. My friends just call me Bart Milf So you guys just can call me Bart Milf. All right, we're friends here. I'm not a prince here. I'm just friends with you guys Oh, I'm so accustomed to speaking formally in saying things like your majesty And it is my honor and taking a knee before you. It's very uncomfortable for me to To speak to these so casually. Yeah, in terms of endearment, call me an old son of a bitch.

You know, shit-kicker. Let's just guys have fun. So we're allowed to not call you Bartmalf. That was going to be my main question. You're asking us if I'm sussing this out correctly and inferring your meaning. You're asking us to drop all pretense, you can still get pregnant from pretense. Damn it, Chuck, you fool! Back to Chuck.

You're asking us to drop all pretense and address you as a commoner. We're all equals here, brother. Okay, well, you old son of a bitch, I've got a question. Yeah. You mentioned that you're a bit of a beast and you talked about your appearance, but I guess I don't see what you're talking about. You're kind, you're kind, but many years ago I was a solid eight, and as you can see now,

I'm modestly a 6.5, and it was a terrible curse. Many, many moons ago, an evil enchantress cast cursed me with this spell and for the last 10 to 15 years I've been gradually losing my hair and becoming a bit doier in the midsection and just you know really beastin out. If I may and I don't mean to be rude because that's of course the last thing that I would ever want. F, fart milk if I may. What's to say that you didn't just always look like this and you conjured up this encounter with an enchantress to explain away your disheveled 6.5isms? No, no, no, no, this is a curse, my friend. I assure you I am a solid ate, I have.

I have and have always been a solid ate. I am in the midst of a terrible, terrible curse that has knocked me down to a 6.5. And to follow up to Chant's question. Chant. Sorry, Chant's question. Perhaps if you were an 8 as you do claim and you say this happened 10 or 15 years ago? Yes, yes. That may not be a curse, but man, that might just be time.

No, no, it's a curse. It's a curse a curse, ma'am, that might just be time. No, no, it's a curse, it's a curse, actually, I think I know the difference between a curse and age, okay? I have lived for all 300 years and I have seen man grow to his height and decline or an ore again. I, the cycles and ravages of time are not unknown to you, Sador. You look just like you're getting middle-aged, bud. Isn't the most evil and diabolical

of all intent in Chentris' that sweet in Chentris' name time? Yeah. It happens to us all, shit-kicker, you know? When I started this podcast, I was like a 9.5, and I've over time and hard-living. I've living, it's worn me down to like an eight, nine. Well, your friends are shaking their heads. Your friends are shaking your heads right now.

Yeah, but they've explained to me that on food, shaking your head like that is a hard yes. Yeah, we did say that, I guess. I don't want to be disagreeable, Chip. Well, listen, fellas, I appreciate what you're trying to do, trying to make me feel better, but I know, I know I'm innate, I still feel like I appreciate what you're trying to do. You're trying to make me feel better, but I know, I know I'm a Nate. I still feel like I did 10, 15 years ago.

I crossed an enchantress, never crossed an enchantress. And that's how I got here, okay? So I- Can I ask you, keep wanting to call you Prince, but- No, anything, as per your instructions, I'll continue to call you Fart Milk. Can I ask you about your hat? Now, upon your head, you don't wear any sort of crown or any sort of royal toppings. It's simply a sack of some sorts that's halfway over your brown. It says, ask me about my bad

dick. I guess I'm just following instructions as a gentleman would. You don't know what this hat is? No. I thought this was one of those bars where like the waiters make fun of you to get The bartender told me I had to wear this and I now have to wear this thing Oh my dear friend you've been owned That's freaking bartender gaming this thing you see you got put it on Yeah, I put this thing on he goes uh cuz you this is this is what the bars some of a bitch. I said, okay, I know what's going on here. No, you've been to, do you're thinking of Edmond of Bevix? Ah crap. Well, alright you guys, I'm gonna show you what my scalp looks like. Here it is.

Oh, so much psoriasis. Yeah, that's another part of the curse. I have psoriasis. That's also part of the curse the curse gave me psoriasis I also have acid reflux, but turdboat. It's not that much psoriasis It's just and I'm sorry. I do have to ask your shirt says You think this is psoriasis. I've got a sore eye for tits. What does that mean a gentleman must inquire? I actually that is a choice of mine. I got this shirt with my psorias medication So is part of the curse, you're incredibly poor taste in attire?

That's part of it. Yes, absolutely, yes, that's part of it. I don't have, I lost my sense of style. I'm addicted to pornography. So, it's all part of the curse, though. You guys gotta understand this. This is the curse talking. Hold up now, let's back this horse up into a backwards canter. Yeah. You're addicted to

pornography. Please details. What are your fetishes? No, he said pornography, not pornography. Oh, well, still I'm curious. A gentleman must inquire whether what are we, what are we, what kind of stuff we're talking like spitting on feet and stuff? Honestly, when you said pornography, I didn't even catch it because one of my fetishes is pin-based. Oh, yeah. So you're like jerking at the center bites. Yeah, it gets at a ball point. Mm-hmm.

I like pornography where the male organs are, I mean, almost not even there. That's what I'm into, you know. So when you said pornography, I thought, yeah, sure, needle-dicks, yeah. But again, that's the curse. That's not, you have to understand is that's not me there. That's what I'm into. So when you said panography, I thought, yeah, I sure need a dick. But again, that's the curse. That's not, you have to understand is that's not me speaking. That's the curse. Damn, enchantress cursed me with this spell. And now I'm a size 40 pant. Is it a 32, 32? And now I'm a 40, 31. My legs shrunk. I'm

always got bigger. Oh, who that's a curse guys now You said you somehow angered this enchantress. What a what exactly transpired what a Engage in some sort of a Confrontation with her yeah to put it lightly. We were at a theme party. Have you ever been to a theme party? I only attend theme parties. Yes, you know, so you know what I'm talking about. Great time. Yeah, you used to do it once grew gills

to go to a under the sea prom. Oh, that sounds fun. Yeah, if anyone one skills, I know how to do it. It was very awkward though, because he became deceased because it was just a theme. I was gonna say it's all above water, it's all above ground. But Magic brought him back. Yeah, Magic brought me back as it always does.

And you know, the thing about having gills at an enchantment under the sea dance is that I felt like I was really committed to the theme and everyone else was kind of messing around. Isn't that the frickin' worst? It is the worst. What happened to your theme party? Yeah, what was the theme? It was a dual theme. Oh, like, sort. Clashing, Clashing swords, yeah. Themes were nudity and sex with strangers. Classic mashup. Yeah, so it's

a real theme party where a bunch of strangers got together, you can't put your keys in a bowl and then you kind of see, you know, what the- where the night goes. And so long story short, before the night, I had a ton of turkey legs. I loaded up, I had to probably bake or dozen turkey legs, and I got there. And I'd be lying for the bathroom and I knew in the moment I thought this is not gonna be good. So I had a little bit of an escape plan.

You know I started laying some, I laid some groundwork and I got out of there and I started saying, hey you guys, you guys see what Elcia did to the bathroom? The Elcia woman just, you know, just did the walls. She up her deckered it is, you know what I said because it's, I ran out Woman just, you know, just your walls. She upper-deckered it, you know, what I said, because it's a ran out of space and I upper-deckered it. And so I blamed it on her and, you know, she got kicked out of the theme party and then she said, you gotta grow up.

And that was the curse. And so ever since. That was the curse? That was the curse, you gotta grow up. And there was sort of clouds forming behind her is energy sort of squirled About her thing. No, she was back and out of a driveway on her horse. Okay, okay, so I said under breath to be honest How long ago was this? It's about 10-15 years. We got to have to look exactly But and ever since I've been losing my hair

How much of this happened like the next morning? No, the curse took a little while to kick in. So it took, you know, I started noticing about five years later as in the shower, go, what is? I can't, what the heck? And then ever since, you know, the hair's been gone and I have early onset athletes foot.

Early as in, you're not an athlete yet? No, yeah, but my, I can barely walk after time. So I'm so sorry, not too correct. Do a gentleman would never correct. No, it sounds like you have amateur foot. Mm. I trust that diagnosis. You seem like a fancy gentleman

that knows his medical history. Yes, if you're not an athlete, it's amateur foot. I do apologize. Yes, well I have early onset amateur foot. Speaking of amateur, you ever look at any of that amateur foot? No, I'm only into the pros bro I love just when so many doesn't know how to draw someone who can't really draw Oh, if they draw sex I just want to watch that all day. Hey, what are you guys into come on? What couple guys?

See, let's guy are any are these only quiet? I know we get this freak off Ernie give it up a little pervert. I don't know if I amateur or pro. I mean, I don't know. Sometimes pro laps porn will get this. Yes, I do it. The quiet ones answer. You got to watch out for a little freakishoid over there. Pro laps, I can only assume from my knowledge bases,

porn made by someone who participates in running or sprinting, they go around the track and they do, you know, 304 laps and they're professional about it. Is this correct in my assumption? No, yeah. Very good. Oh, I took it a very differently. I am sorry, Arnie.

I know that I made a promise to the, to protect the at all costs. But now my course is clear. I must reverse this curse. I must free this sweet prince from this hex. I shall ensure that he is returned to the status of 8 before the end of this very episode. Thank you, Sator. Are you going to put him in your wizard womb? No, that's to protect you. I have to figure out a way to break this hex.

So I'm learning all about it. You're gonna get a couple of nails in me, Alka. I got none of anyone's room, you know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha. Ah, yes, as we spoke of what the guitar gear's grinding before, I wanted to say, yay, protecting innocent, and making sure that there is a Fighter been showing that safety and beauty of food for all the rest of our days to come and That means that for your kingdom I

Shall return their prince to their mess. He once did appear to them before He's to come. Brum, brum, brum. I like you guys. I like hanging out with you guys. It's been a long time since I've just kind of hung out with the guys like this, you know, because it is equals. Yes, let's, let's gentlemen out. Yeah, I'm a little fucked up.

I gotta be honest. I've been kind of lonely a lot. Oh, do you? And hanging out with your crisis, just like, remind them of what I miss, you know, by hanging out with a couple of good bros. Oh, you could have a fuck. You know, I'd be fucking, what are you?

What is your day to day life as a prince like? The other small part of the curse, I haven't brought up the second part of the curse. You know, I led with the worst parts of it, but the other part of the curse was that all of my friends and family were turned into various household items. So I live in a prison of inanimate objects that used to be close to me. Oh no. They were turned into objects that are not even inanimate? Yeah, no, yeah, they're just objects. And you're sure they weren't there before? You sure your family didn't leave. No, I have found a couple things where I was like this wasn't here and then I know my best friend

Bill is no longer answering my calls and my wife left and I'm like this is all happened at once or just over time did people slowly leave your life and you realize that. Yes, slowly they leave and I slowly find things and I know that it's part of the curse, you know. I have to ask was one of the inanimate objects that you stumbled upon? Was it a good-bye note? I did find it. A good-bye note. I am... I haven't... I haven't been able to bring myself to read it. Yeah, of course, because that might be your mother or your cousin, who knows?

It could be a bill. I mean, if you have a read. mother or your cousin who knows? Could be a bill. I mean if you have a red. Could I hand it to one of you and you could it's my wife's name was ComEd so I don't. Oh Commander Edison yes I'm sure she was wonderful. Well here's what we'll do we'll take the note and as per usual when it's most likely a mournful note the three of us will read it one word at a time, alternating between that. As is tradition. That would mean so much to me, you can't say the best, thank you. Yes, and of course, if there's more than two seconds pause between any word we lose this game, let me start.

I'll read the outside of the note, it says goodbye. Okay, that sounds like a bill first. One word in, I'm thinking bill. Dear. Bartholomew. Okay, that sounds like a bill first one word in I'm thinking bill dear Bartholomew oh Wait was I we lost the game well Bartholomew No, don't know toss in the Well, please I haven't heard from my wife and my electricity's been shut off for 10 years I also the slim chance that that was your wife?

That object was your wife, that, yeah. Ugh! Your electricity's been shut off for years, did you take the lightning rod off of your house? That should be lighting all the candles with one strike? Yes. That's exactly what you just said is what happened, yeah. I shall grant you this gift here in this vial.

Is a tiny bit of minuscule lightning. Thank you. So you can use that to... Do I drink this? Or what do I do with this? You can just kind of let it loose in your house and see if it helps get anything going. Okay, okay. Honestly, hey, if I can be honest, brother to brother, this is great.

Put that in your, like, sit on it. I feel so fucking good. I just gotta say it's kind of a little ruckus. Oh, yeah. No, thank you. Okay, yeah no thank you, okay, yeah thank you my friend. Thank you for this, I will use this, I will use this as I needed to. You said, how often when you give people anything in a vial that they immediately assume they're supposed to drink it?

I'd say 60, 70% of the time. How often are they supposed to drink it? 10% of the time? How often are they supposed to drink it? 10% of the time. Catch little fireflies and little bits of energy in there. Files are very useful. People don't really understand all the uses of files. I'd love to get into them, but right now, we have to take a break.

Oh, damn. Yes, for now we are going to hear from our advertisements, and of course, if anything catches your fancy, please... ...purchase it, because wouldn't that be a nice delightful surprise? We'll be right back with more of this fucking show. Get wet! Ah, no way to class that one up. We're back with, um, our dear friend, the- the prince. I don't-

Please, he prefers something like turdbiter. Bark, yeah, or Bart Milf. Pfft, perfect. He's got me, Bart- Bart Milf. Bart. Bart Milf. Here, I brought you, um, Shut up! I'd like you to say it.

I- Pfft. Um. Ahem. Uh, Brahum, Brahum. Uh, Bart- say it. I, uh, um, uh, uh, bruhum, bruhum. Uh, uh, Batman, Batman. So close, so close on your tongue, my friend. Parfsmisma, uh, Parfsmisma. Come on.

Drop the fanciest for a second. Getting the, getting the mud would mean- And he then she say there was a 15 year old and an earth-name, Bart Milza? Name, they read from a special book and they received lots of money. They wore a little hat on the back of their head. It was their barf Milza. Oh! Yeah, yeah, I said that. That sounds like bar mitzvah. Oh yes, we have Jews in food.

Yeah, we have Jews in food. No one I know that. I know that even. Sorry, I'm tearing myself in twain. I want to be chanted. I want to be the silly and goofy and nasty. But I also want to be shunt. I want to be regal and win Laura's heart over. Who's Laura? I eat from family matters. Oh, yes. That character I know. Bart Milf, I must know.

Is there some way I can help you overcome this curse? Do you know how you're supposed to defeat the curse? You said you are a good man. You are a gentleman and I appreciate you as a friend. Well, shot to salsa, so a joke. Yeah. Well, everyone here is I want you guys to know that I, you know, are kind of the closest friends that I have and I appreciate you for asking that even right now. Wow.

So the saddest thing I've ever heard, what I'd like to propose is maybe we do, we haven't done this in some, Ion. Perhaps we play a round of dragons talon. That's a game, maybe you're familiar with it, but we just go around and we compliment one another. And perhaps this dragon's talon will all be compliments about our dear friend. Well, I want to call you BM, but even that's even that's a bad. Come and BM, come and BM BM, come Bart Milfer. Milfunter.

So I'll start and I'll give a compliment. BM, I think you have the soul and spirit of a Prince 3, 4th, your age. Truly. Thank you. Thank you. And physically. Physically. Physically, you are you. You go get her.

You silly, go get her. Thank you. Thank you. And now another compliment for our friend. Oh, so we're all, this is going to be all directed towards our one. Whoever, perhaps I should have phrased it in a way that whoever, perhaps in this exact moment, needs the most lifting upwards.

So it's hot seat dragon's talent. I have a compliment. I can give a compliment somebody if Arnie's open season, I'd like to sniper him. No, no, no, no, let me take this mirror off the wall. Here you go, looking this and give a compliment. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Are you saying 9.5? 9.5, I mean, I wouldn't say I could never say I was a 10. Mm-hmm. I could never say I was a 10.

What's the scale we're working on here? 10. Mm. All right. I was just going to say, I think Arnie hides his perversion as well. Oh, thank God. He's clearly a sexual deviant and I think he, you know, buries it deep down in a way that you wouldn't expect.

But you know, when that door is closing, those lights are off. Oh, that's his perversion. He buries it deep down in a way that you wouldn't expect, but you know, when that doors close and those lights are off. Oh, that's his perversity. Berry's that deep down yet, baby. Yeah. Oh, you know what? No, fuck it. I'm chun, baby. Ha ha ha. Baby, that chun's back. Yes, for yourself.

Ah, let me get this wax out of my fur and take this snake off my belly of the shoes on, because they're wildly comfortable. Those all birds? Yes, they are. Thank you for noticing. Yeah. Most comfortable shoes I've ever made out of birds. Yeah, they look great. I followed the blood? Yes, they are, thank you for noticing. Yeah. Most comfortable shoes I've ever made out of birds. Yeah, they look great. I followed the blood tracks right to the table.

That's what this guy has style. I gotta sit next to him. I'm giving everyone a compliment. I am playing the classic game. Chant, I want to compliment you for trying something new, but also being true to yourself. Thanks buddy, I appreciate that. Hell yeah.

Oni, I want to compliment you for being the most important person in all of food. Oh, I'm doing great. You're gonna get inside me later. And you, you sweet prince, bot, moof. I want to compliment you because you, though you've experienced hardship, you have a positive attitude. You may be down on yourself, but you're very complimentary and welcoming

and open to us, which I find absolutely delightful. And in that way, haven't you already broken the curse? It's a very good way looking at it. And I appreciate that. And I have not broken the curse. I wish I could. I wish I could be honest with you guys and say that I did, but there's only one way for me to break this curse. And that's to find my one true love before the final hair on my head. Felt soft. So within the hour, actually, hold on, guys. I have an idea. Let me try something

Prince if I may let me just take off these glasses. Let me take off this hat Let me wipe away the paint on your face. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let me put this back. Oh fuck. Oh God No, don't take away my paint. Oh There's so much paint on his face? Oh, I lied, I'm not a 6.5. I'm a two. Oh.

I'm a two under here. I just, I wear a lot, I wear a lot of foundation. I'm an inch deep in foundation right now. I'm a two. And I gotta find my one true love. Or even just like no strength to touch, hook up. This is not a problem. For a strong foundation is the beginning of every good

relationship. So let's just let's just call some people over from the bar. Is anyone you fancy here tonight? The you've caught your eye. We have a saying where I'm from. Or just warmer or it was warm. Yeah, we have a saying and it's if when you have no options and you will have sex with anybody, you can't be a chooser.

I'm sorry. Did someone call my name? My name is Madmousel Fancy de la Coo. Oh great, another chunk character. Arnie, I'm trying something new. No, I'm sorry. It didn't work to be a regal man, so I thought to be a magnificent madmousel. Who is this striking beauty? And I just happen to have a chair pulled up because my friend Shunt seemed to have left when I turned my back. Oh dear, I believe I said my name was Fancy Delecou.

Let me sit. Oh, I accidentally sat on a me see that. Let me see that. Please sit. I accidentally sat on a vile of minuscule lightning. Delightful. There's one incorrect word in that, and that was accidentally. Sorry, I- I was even have said that.

Sorry, I exceedingly sat down on a vile of minuscule lightning. My pronunciation is not what it used to be. He's opening with correcting the words you're using. I'm sorry, regretted it. The second it came out of my mouth, it's been a very long time since I've flared in. Smack, smack, smack, smack. I'm smacking you, but it's because I enjoy this playful teasing.

Ha, ha, ha. So say something, give me a pickup line. Your best pickup line. Oh. And with fancy, say something, give me a pickup line, your best pickup line. And with fancy, you only get one chance. That's my name, one chance fancy. Have you ever seen a pube cowlick? Okay, come here, yo son of a bitch. Just walk over here for a selfie.

I felt like I was killing it out there. I was just in a zone. Yeah, I don't know what it was. The thing was, you absolutely were not. Did I come on too strong? You came on way too strong. I know you like naked parties where they're sex. And wish there was an easier way to say that.

Yes, I felt like she was, I thought we were vibing and I could be myself. And hey, listen, I was fancy, in a sense. And I just want to let you know that if we were to, you know, demand the attention of everyone in this bar and say, who here hasn't had their crotch looked by a cow, there wouldn't be a single raised hand in the bar.

So just know that you're not alone, but also at the same time there's some things that we just don't say. Out wow. Does that make sense? Yeah, I just, I'm self-conscious about not having hair on my head, so I try to play to my pubes sure Well, and it didn't mean it to be offensive, and I'm sorry if I came on strong. Can I have one more shot?

Well, I let's oh what about this? Oh this beautiful woman adorned all in blue sitting over here. Who's this? Beautiful creature. Oh do you mean? Susan doku Wow Who's this? Beautiful creature. Oh, do you mean... S-Susan Doku? Wow! Ouchi mama! I'm sorry, hey, that case pretend I didn't just say that. I'll erase that last moment from my brain. Error's rock loss!

Wait a second. You said we were erases things from his brain. That explains so much. How does that help anyone? I think the Prince wanted to have not said it not I'd like to just have one more shot at a pick-up line. I feel like I've bought these two pick-up lines. Oh, I'm sure you're gonna do just fine I'm gonna be honest with you because I think sometimes I overcompensate with confidence For the last 10 to 15 years, I've been getting older.

And I've struggled with that. And at times I haven't acted in ways that I approve of, because I still feel young. But every day I look in the mirror and I get another day older. And the thing I've, I think I've come to realize is that there's only one cure for getting older. And that's getting older with somebody else. That is so beautiful. And cards on the table, I'm unable to perform sexually. Oh, his card, see, put on the table and actually say that. No, no.

That's just something I'm going to give to people up top just so they know who expectations you. It's thoughtful that he had those made. Yeah, if he's too tongue tied to say anything, he can just hand somebody that card and it says, Prince Bartholomew Mimilf, not able to perform sexually. And on the back, it says, but I'm tongue tied. Thank you for telling me face to face, but I'm meeting someone.

Excuse me. Oh damn, strike out. I appreciate the honesty you old fuckhead, but I feel like that's a lot to lay on another person. I mean, I think this is something you got to come to peace with for yourself, right? Like, do you have an equivalent of this kind of thing in Fune? Like, on my world, there are all of these entertainments about messed up people looking to be fixed

by other people that they're in a relationship with. But I don't think that's really how it works. I think you gotta kind of, you gotta come to something for yourself. Yes, I also mean that in a dirty way. Yeah, I think in relationships, you gotta be the cart and the mechanic. Wow, those are really wonderful sentiments. But I really like the way Arnie said it.

Do you wanna get inside of me? Oh, this way, man. Oh, man, you should do it. No hard feelings, Arnie. It's totally cool, man. Go for it. Look, first of all all this is not gonna happen But hypothetically like how would I breathe and subsist inside this plasma version of

Well obviously it I took a lot of inspiration from the time you told me about the movie of the abyss Yeah, the abyss where Dennis quade goes inside someone that's inner space the abyss is the one Quade goes inside someone? That's inner space. The abyss is the one where Ed Harris is chugging liquid oxygen. What? Yes. Then what? So I would surround you and I would fill your lungs through your nose and your mouth and you would just breathe me.

That sounds like a beautiful song. Breathe me. Wait a second. That was... You sedore the whole frickin' time that I just poured my heart out to. Yes, I'm sorry to reveal this light to you, but I have been Susan Doku this entire time. So you weren't even mean somebody else. That was just a needless dig. Yusudor, you had to do that to me. You could've just... No, humored me.

No, Susan Doku's got a life of her own. Okay, I can respect that. Okay, yeah, backstories. I can respect that. To be fair, you said or transformed right in front of you. Sometimes when you want to see something, you let yourself. That's it. Oh, my gosh, Bart, that's it. It's not about what you look at, but what you see.

Let me hold up this mirror again. Now, I want you to look in the mirror and I want you to give that guy a compliment. All right, he's got a great back of his shirt. He looks like he's made his pants into his underwear. He's sitting at the bar about 10 feet behind me. I, his hair looks nice from behind. Wait a second.

Maybe what Sean is trying to get at is maybe the love that you need to find to break this curse is to love yourself. My question is, if magically Yusidor could make another version of yourself, would you fuck yourself? Or fuck that guy at the bar? Or fuck that guy at the bar. Look, let's keep it open to fucking anybody that's into it, but would you fuck yourself? Yeah, would you fuck yourself? If we say go fuck yourself, yourself thumbs up thumbs down? I have to be honest guys I think I'm out of my league. You should or make him duplicate go before he before he doubts himself

You're out control Oh, hello Whoa, what is what's going on here? What oh you're on a first date to your to your left there? Oh? Hello, I'm a pubic I to your left there. Oh, hello. I'm a pubicolic. I have a pubicolic. Oh my god It's sort of like one of them is just seconds faster than the other. I have this card. I'm unable to perform sexually I'm terrible at sex. I'm also unable to perform sexually. I have amateur foot. I have amateur foot. Yes I have amateur foot all over my feet in my hands Saraiasus more like Saraiasus

Yes, I said the same shirt. Did you get it with your medicine? I got it with my medicine for free for my psoriasis. I love this shirt. Looks so good on you. I'm a two. I'm a two. I'm also a two. I'm a two. Yes, a two as well. Two, two, two. Thanks so much in common.

Why are they speeding up when they come? Let me see. Let me see. I mean, I see a red book too. It's like, it both gonna come very soon You should are quick while he's coming combine the two because we all know Arnie that two plus two equals Two equals. Oh! Here I'll turn off. Four, five. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no There's a loose some of the paintings and sure and that hairbrush is a maid Wait wait my wife there's cranes coming from the fireplace No, maybe we shouldn't fix Would it be I'm so sorry would it be fucked up to ask you to Check Would it be um, so sorry would it be fucked up to ask you to pay the check

Check I Left my wallet on the deck of the boat that we were on just before Come on and pay for beers. I swear. I'll thank you for years pay the check pay the check pay the check guys run There go my three best friends. Check please! Keep an eye out for the live actionaction adaptation of this episode coming fall 2023, featuring Emma Watson's signature brand of being the most talented three actors cast at age 9. Use it or the wizard was played by Mat Young. Chant, or shunt, or Dr. explain the hat I just invented, was played by Adolf Refeier.

Prince Bartholomew Milf was played by special guest Dan White. Check out Dan's podcast ImprovisDead at ImprovisDead.com and follow him on Twitter at at Dan White. Martin Wilson reprised his role as, wait, did any of his audio make it into the cut? Was nothing usable? Oh, I thought there was at least one take without all the crying and saying, I can't guys, I don't remember how voiceover works. What a disappointment. What a huge disappointment. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced

by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Reffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer and darling of the sound waves everywhere, Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Steffen Drainjure. Special assistance, shrug, provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Usador's gelatinous womb imagery provided by the estate of HR Geiger, who has since withdrawn their permission, citing the cause of crippling regret. The capricious nature of Swiss surrealists and their descendants strikes again. Oh my gosh, how's in that fire over there. Oh, it's burning alive. Oh, am I human again? You see, Bart, it's me, your wife.

Yeah, I know. I got a, I'm sorry, but you look real cinched. And I got my hair back and I got my chin. I think maybe we should kind of take some time off. Yeah, I understand. I'm trying to fuck this guy up the bar. Yeah, that's okay. That's just not the personal.

It's just, no, no, I don't take a personal, just, you know, your curse got me turned into a dear John letter that I never would have written in many years because I love you so much. But, you know, these are the things that happen. I guess, I think it's, I think just hate. Maybe just remember this.

The calm is inside you. Come on, come on. No! No! No! Is inside you come on No I better get to it. I got ten to fifteen years left You're the one who's gonna die.