Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 82 - Barbara (w/ Krystina Arielle)

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

A mysterious stranger takes an interest in Usidore.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBarbara: Krystina ArielleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Sorry if I seem distracted. You know that thing where you spill your morning brandy on your very favorite cape? And then the local dry cleaner says they have no experience dealing with flexible steel? Ugh, 11th world problems am I right? If we're going by distance from the far booty nebula. Anyway, as your mysterious framing device, I'm here to guide you by distance from the far-booty nebula, anyway, as your mysterious framing device, I'm here to guide you safely down from the rush of the sixth anniversary,

and into the crushing familiarity of an episode that isn't the anniversary of anything. Not too worried, we've got an exciting new guest, putting us once again at the start of another 45-minute honeymoon before they realize what they've signed up for. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon, I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and one week ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King

in Chicago into the magical, fantastical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I use that to upload a podcast chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Although we're kind of in a period now where we're not so much trying to defeat the Dark Lord as letting other people do that. While we focus on keeping me safe, me, possibly the most important person in all of food right now.

That's a lot more outsourcing, I guess. Task delegation. Yeah, because it's important to focus on what you can do well, like let other people do what they do well, which is being heroes, and let us do what we do well, which is talking about being heroes.

Mm-hmm. Talking about me and how I'm important. I am joined as always by my co-host Chant the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby! I love this bar. I know it's kind of nice. Yeah, I was a little worried because of the name, the half a grandpa. But besides the confusing name, this is a really laid back bar. I feel like it is, maybe, this might be an older clientele, but I feel like everyone's very gentle and kind. There's a lot of hard candy on the bar, and I really enjoy it. But there's a picture out front of the half a grandpa, and I couldn't quite make out,

like, yeah. I can't tell if it's half a person, or if's like someone had someone new date their grandma and then marry her Yeah, and then so it's kind of like what the other half was oh like it's half grandpa have something else I didn't think about that. I'll have to go back out and check already. I forgot to tell you the big news Mm-hmm. I was playing with sayon's my floating dead cat Yes, and I found out something incredible that changes everything. That changes everything? Yes, it changes everything.

I'm sorry, John. I don't know if I'm in a place in my life where I'm ready to have everything changed for me. Well, let me tell you what it is. I'm like, have a grandpa, John. I'm not young enough to be okay with everything changing. Let me tell you what it is and then we can go from there. I found out that Sands can speak with the Deb. With the Deb.

Yeah, Sans can converse with the Deb. Isn't that huge? Uh, could be. I guess Sans' former owner was a woman named Deb. And so Sans has this like link with her. Should we test it out? Is this something you want to do on the podcast? I think so, I want to speak with the Deb.

Deb, Deb! Ah, the more you say about it, the less I want to do it. How about this? We'll bring on my co-host. Uh, have you met my co-host? I'm one of them. Well, we'll bring on Yusudor, the wizard. I am Yusudor, a wizard of the twelfth Room of a fesious Master of Light and Shadow.

Minipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, the elves noomiest fying yelok. The dwarves noomiest, zoning in hook stangies, and I am known in the North East as guest whineest me star. And there may be other secret names you do not know yet. Oh, but do fear that if air I were to utter one of those secret names that most assured the friendships would be severed irreversibly. In such a way that perhaps. To be mended. What's good? Oh, buddy. Oh my gosh, would it help if we speak with the Deb?

Would that help you out? Ah, well, I would love to speak to the Deb. There's so much that we really learn. When you think about everything that a Deb would take with them into their afterlife, yes, I suppose. Wait, Deb's fine. She's very helpful. Wait, Debs, fine. She's very well-known for the leader. Oh, yeah.

Well, even better. Well, the keep in mind, you said, or when you talk to the Deb, it comes at a terrible price. Oh. What's the terrible price? Well, say on's me out that, she's got her hobbies,

and so you kind of get to know her hobbies, and then, it's just, yeah, it's not, I guess it's not ideal. So it's not the terrible price of losing your girlfriend of many, uh, century all again, off again, and you're one of your, uh, mentees who, uh, looked up to you for so long now, finds you distasteful. It's not that sort of price. Oh my god. Is this, who did that happen to? That happened to me last week. You were here. Oh yeah.

So much happened at that party. It's hard to do. So much happened. Yeah, that's not impact that. Can I also just say that chicken we had on the road was deep, delicious. Yeah, I was hesitant because it was green. And I was like, should I eat this?

Yeah, but Samuel convinced me that we should eat the green chicken. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Ham though, probably we shouldn't have eaten. No, we shouldn't have had the ham. It's too salty. It'll kill you. Arnold, you have to think about your health. You're one of the most important people of food. There's an artifact. Hidden inside your head that the dark lord desperately needs.

And I shall do whatever I'll do, take to protect thee from the forces of evil. Yeah, so pour the reins on the fucking salt, my man. Maybe cured meats in general. Is this gonna turn into a thing where I have to be healthy because I'm important? Tomorrow a salad. Tomorrow. Tomorrow a salad. Oh yeah!

Tomorrow. Here Arnie, blow into this tube. Mmm, this seems like a trick. It's a test here. What's the blue one towards who? Oh, no. You did. With the libel thing, I heard you talking of cured meats and the blue one tubes and that's my

dog. Oh. Who's that figure talking to us next to the fireplace? Let's turn our chair around. Hello there. Hello there. It is a pleasure to make thine acquaintance. I am used to all the blue.

What be a Thine name? Do you really need to know my name? I don't need to. I was just curious because I was taking an interest in you. You had addressed us, so I thought we would exchange appellations and then perhaps become the fastest of friends. Exchange Appellations. It's actually quite aggressive.

The thing is, I like to walk into a room and have about 55 seconds of unadulterated confusion. Oh, well you've come to the Frank comics. You've come to the perfect place. And also jokes on you, you're wearing a name tag. Oh, but you forgot to fill it out, so we still... It's called Mystery. Oh, I love a mystery. Uh, please pull up a chair with us, and uh, may I procure an ale or a rainbow bowl or some other drink for you to invite? Yes, I prefer an ale, as my name...

Huh? Is ale to the chief? Oh... My name is ale to the chief. Oh Ale to the chief an ale for the I shall return forth with What brings you into this tavern this evening ale to the chief the easy answer would be ale But I'm actually off this stuff, and I'm just enjoying a nice cup of water. Ooh, fancy. Arnie, I feel like we should do easy answer stuff more often. Like, when you start the episode, you should be like, the easy answer is, we're here.

But then do it ailed it and then go into the actual story. I would love that. Although also, she's off the stuff. Do we need to tell you, Siddore, to order one last drink? Here, everyone, four tails. Wow, I'll use it or she's. I didn't say I was off the stuff entirely that was it's my usual weekly routine and Aile kind of implies that I have to and okay, my name's Barbara. Oh

Barbara here's your ale. To the chief. When she said a real name, she ripped off a mustache. Oh, I've been meaning to get rid of that mustache for about three weeks now. Barbara, were you wearing a disguise and being mysterious because you're hiding from someone or you're trying on a new life? You're just trying to like, you know, sometimes when I want to change my life, I've lived for over 300 years and sometimes I just need to mix things up. I'll take on a new name and I'll disappear into the wild or live amongst the elves

or amongst the doors for a period of years or decades. And I'll just start a new life. Are you starting a new life? If I was starting a new life and coming up with a new name and deciding on a new life are you starting a new life? If I was starting a new life and coming up with a new name and deciding on a new adventure and a new way to exist, would I tell you? Oh good point. Well, maybe here's what I'll do is I also have been working on a non-de plume. I don't know if I'm using that correctly, but if I show you mine, maybe you'll show me or so let me just turn around. I think that's the classic way to do this. And now I'll turn back around having changed correctly, but if I show you mine, maybe you'll show me yours. So let me just turn around. I think that's the classic way to do this.

And now I'll turn back around having changed nothing, but I will launch into it now. Hello, my name is Swan Daniels. Charm to meet you puts hand out in front of you for a kiss on my hand. Hello, my name is Arnie Adal. Arnie Adal. Okay. Half of that name sounds great. Well, it's baronass to meet you.

Do you have any, like my friend Deb, do you have any hobbies? I like to throw knives at thing and hope they stick. Oh, wow, throw knives at thing. I like a woman who knows what she wants. She's not throwing knives at multiple things, not throwing knife at one thing and you keep throwing until you hit it. That's fantastic. Well's not throwing knives at multiple things, not throwing knife at one thing, and you keep throwing until you hit it.

That's fantastic. Well, if I throw at multiple things, what am I in for? That's a very good point. I think this would be excellent entertainment for the evening. And I hereby volunteer mine self to be the thing at which knives are thrown this evening. Yeah, I volunteer you as well.

All right, I'm gonna go stand by the fireplace for you, well, before. See if you can hit me with a knife. I've decided to announce my retirement from a throwing sharp objects directly at a person, and I would like to throw them at a wall. Oh, you wouldn't hurt me. I'm a wizard. I'm basically indestructible.

Yeah, if you throw those knives at me, they'll stick in me, but I'll be fine. I think we have different definitions of the word indestructible. Because you see the way that this knife is set. This beautiful voluptuous knife with its curves and delightful points that I throw with the precision of a really precise knife-thrower.

Arnie, I think she's dating that knife. It is very voluptuous. Normally, this isn't the kind of thing. That's between the two of us. I'm sorry. I was going to say, I'm really into that knife. There's something about that knife that just really works for me,

but I feel awkward about it because it's her knife. I know. I don't wanna get between her and her knife. How's my fur look? Does it look okay? I mean, as good as it gets. It looks ferocious. Oh, thank you.

I'm so nervous because of the beauty of that knife. It is a beautiful thing Especially the diamond to top it Then I oh it's engaged came across by very honest means oh Well, um we do what we call a podcast and we'd love to kind of interview you and get to know you for a little bit Would that be okay? Yeah, and of course you're nice You want to put me in a pot and then cast me out of the village? Oh, no, no, it's, you see our friend Arnold here. It's Arnie. It's from another world. I'm from another world. Back on his world,

they have these things where they record the very sound of your voice and then they send it out into the world for tens of people to listen to. Tens of people. Yes. That's more people than my initial village. Yes, so many people will hear your voice. And all you need to do is talk to us, share with us about your life, and let us get to know you a little bit better.

Yeah, and what initial village are you from? WMville, RT Town, S-A- No, I'm from the land of Z. Oh, I have my ball needs. Z.A.K. no C like the plebs. What did you, if I may ask, what did you, and I must ask for the podcast, what did you do in the village of Z.A.K. Did you have a trade, did you have a family? Uh, no, I'm not really the family type.

I just kind of bogged one down. Barbara, can you tell us any more about your younger days? I have never met anyone from Zock before, but I did know someone from Cody. It's a sweet life. Yes. You know, one of the things that I did enjoy in my small days, I stayed in this resort type environment and my mother worked there so we could do whatever we wanted my twin and I. Oh!

Yeah, I do recall there was a gentleman that worked in the lobby. gentleman that worked in the lobby and he was yelling at us. You stopped that, you stopped the shenanigans. It sounds like you are a couple of rap scallions. We are truly were and there was a girl that was always there actually her father was the owner and she went for a drive one day and they used the thing called the Prindle a Prindle huh a Prindle Prindle Arnie, what's a Prindle? I mean are you asking what's a Prindle or what's a Prindle? I guess what's a Prindle? I don't know what it is. It was from a foreign land it meant park

reverse drive It was from a foreign land. It meant park, rivers, drive, neutral. And I forgot what happened after that. I just like the sound of the... A-A-A-A-Barbara, well, you said you had a twin. Do you still see your twin or does your twin have a different life? What's happened to your other half? As it were. You know, sometimes you get tired of competition. Move. Oh.

And you just have to move on by yourself. So Barbara moved on and a rabrab stayed back in a zack. OK, I have a few theories, Arnie Houstonore. Yeah, one. Who twin is that dagger? stayed back in a z ways. So she is her own twos. Oh, my half grandpa. Is this a theme restaurant? Oh, look, here come the dancing grandpas. Hey, wow, look at them go. Wow. Wonderful. They're all falling.

This shouldn't be dancing. That must happen every hour on the hour. Who needs a hip? Who needs a hip? You know, when I was using the restroom before, one of the grandpa's came up to talk to me and he said he's just a grandpa until the band takes off. Oh. Was it Lewis?

I think he might have been Lewis, yeah. I think he just uses that line to pick up people outside of the tavern. Are you kidding me? This motherfucker, this Lewis is full of Huey. I'm gonna find this guy. I'm gonna find him, is full of Huey. I'm gonna I'm gonna find this guy I'm gonna find him and I don't know what I'm gonna do get the news Yeah, and the news is gonna be my fist meeting his face. I'm tired of these goddamn grandpa's in this goddamn Tevern, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm Barbara. I want to apologize. I don't know why I'm so worked up I think ever since I saw that knife. I can't get it out of my hand.

I can't stop thinking about that. It's so voluptuous. Why are you both so obsessed with this knife? I don't know. I can show you if you give me your throat. My foot. Wait, I'm sorry. I love you.

What? Well here, you want my throat fine. Yeah, I've removed a part of my neck. You can examine it at will. So, uh, Usador. Yes. What's, uh, Usador doing later? Ooh, I'm surprised, but apparently that ripping your throat out thing really worked for her.

Uh, later on I plan on traveling to the northeast where I shall meet with the royalty of the Bellroth kingdom and continue to recruit strong adventurers and friends and lovers to join us in our quest to defeat the Dark Lord of Foon. And I'll probably just get some drinks and hang out here tonight. If you're just talking about short term, short term, I'll just be here at the half of grandpa, time one on. here at the half a grandpa. Tyne went on. Damn, talking without a throat.

You know, I have friends that work in the castle and have absolute direct ties to whatever that thing you're trying to accomplishes. My quest to defeat all of evil? Ooh, she really seems to have credible inside information about it. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. But she knows people that know about the things that we're trying to do.

Yes, yes. But she also just added use of her throat to that big sack that says, Sacco Throats, and it's dripping. Beautiful, beautiful. Barbara, please, whatever you know of the Dark Lord's plans or the kingdom of the Bellaroth, please share with me. Please connect me to your friends and I shall then build a strong and powerful group of friends who will fight evil wherever we do see it.

So what you're saying is, if I were to connect you with a hypothetical source of all evil of some sort, you would willingly come with me and be my companion for all eternity. You source that what you're saying? Ah, well. All eternity, who was a big commitment? I might say the little different. A, it's kind of my quest. So maybe you'd be my companion.

And then I would vanquish all of the evil. That's the part you're gonna quibble about? Yeah, that's the part I'm gonna quibble about. You're like, I will come with you for all of eternity, but no, you're coming with me for all eternity. Yeah, what do I give a shit about eternity? That's the door. It's only been two, three minutes and you already are arguing with about eternity? It's a door. It's only been, she admitted,

saying you already are arguing with me. I mean, I feel too... Oh, she, she took some of the water from her glass and she flipped it onto her face to make it look like tears. I think this is all an act. John, I've got a new theory that is not water in that glass. Barbara, I have to tell you, I am recently single and still fighting all the forces of evil.

So if you tell me that I must join you for all eternity and be tied to some source of evil in order to overcome evil, I would gladly do it. Sacrificing myself for the greater good. Sir, single and ready to mingle? Yeah, I'm single and ready to mingle. That's why we came to the half a grandpa because it sounded like such a a great place to meet people It's a real meat market in here. Didn't you put all your info on fumble? Could you possibly prick your finger with the with the beautiful

Vulture's life. Yeah, all right sure Right here Paper right here with the blood with the blood with the blood. Oh sure no problem I do care about you Barbara here. I'm gonna sign my name and blood. It's gonna take a little while You wait wait wait wait wait wait here. Wait. You said or don't side knows yet. Let me grab them Uh-huh. No hold on hold on. Hold on. I once kissed a lawyer you brought your lawyer? No, no, I once kiss chance my lawyer. We've got to talk about that by the way. But you got to get a better lawyer. I once kissed a lawyer, so I basically am one.

Let's see here. Did you like it? Oh, it was great. Let's see here. And in the perpetuity, I don't know what that means. Sounds good. Give over all right. Yeah.

It's bad. So, John, if you're gonna be his legal counsel about pricking his finger, later on, I need your help because that half a grandpa asked me if I'd finger his prick. And I kind of want you to look over that contract for me. Well, that seems as good a line as any to take a break on. So, let's take a quick break while I peruse these documents.

And we'll be right back with more magic. Davi! Alright, John, tell me, can I sign the papers yet? Well, I've come across a lot of issues, to be honest. Uh-huh. She didn't use both sides of these papers. That's a complete waste of paper. Well, that's the space for my name. My name's really long. Okay, also I found the word soul in here, maybe 500 times.

And also keep as nexus soul most of the time, but I can't really make hands or tails of this. I'm not a lawyer, I don't know what I'm doing, but I do have a bill for you. Okay. Okay, so here's how this breaks down. Okay, so my time, which was about five minutes of bruise, that comes out to this here, that's this line here.

You know, this would be a lot better if you wrote this on a piece of paper instead of on a duck's bill. Well, hold on. I use both sides of the duck's bill, so I'm gonna do it. Okay, shut up. So you should also get a nod alive duck. And then this here's, this line is the friendship discount.

And then this here is the friendship fee because it's hard to work with friends sometimes. Sometimes friends are the hardest people to work with. I'm being honest. Yeah. Okay, let's see here. And then this here. So I can go ahead and sign them.

I'm still figuring some stuff out, but I'd say in the meantime, go ahead and sign. I'd say go ahead and sign. There you go. Just to be safe, just to be safe. I don't want to miss out on this deal. This be safe. Just to be safe. So far, bro, they work on this contract. You might be asking, um, does your knife have a name or is there things that your knife likes, like their interests or their pet peeves? Do you know, I would

tell you all of those things, man. Just so worried about my oosa jarling, signing this contract. I've worked so hard. I mean, it's... we've just bonded. Okay, there. I think I signed everything. It's very long names, you know. But I did not sign my secret names as they remain secret. From me? Oh yes, I'm sorry, but I can't say some of these secret names because they're very powerful.

They could destroy entire cities. They can make you grow hair out of your eyeballs. They can make your soul escape from your mouth and do a little dance on your head and then jump back in your body. And also, if I don't tell people all of my secret names, they can't steal my soul. Some of them are just secret because they're stupid.

So, you just want me to roll bellaroth without any full information. What's going to happen? You just want to not... Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, of course. Well, one of my secret names is Peepypoo, and then of course there's Anthony Don Walker. And, gosh, what are they all?

Johann Sebastian Bacarach. Bagelmy Fingies. Bagelmy Fingies, it's not one of my favorites. Biscuit Miniscus. Biscuit Miniscus. Dick Bisc. I've heard the grandpa's call you little chili foot. The grandpa's do call me little chili foot.

Leonard particularly started that one the first night I came in here last night. He's the one that's really good at break dancing because he's only half a grandpa He can do the spinning part really well. You know what is a darling. Yes. Yes, Paul rotiarest She turned around and she's in a full wedding gown. How did she do that? It's fun, then. I'm the genife looks great. Look at that thing. Yeah, the knife isn't a little tuxedo.

Oh my god. Look at the boat, eh? Wow. That knife is blurring gender boundaries in a way that's really working for me. I didn't think anyone would ever ask. Oh, Barbara, how it pains me to tell you this. For I wish not more than to marry thee and to make you mine wife and to give you mine soul for the rest of eternity, but mine wife.

I have already committed mine self to another task which is protecting Arnie at all costs, and I shall fight to the death to protect him and make sure that he lives. What's he's dead though, I'm free, yeah yeah. That can be a range, scorching ray in both hands, just bouncing them up and down. Oh I don't hurt him right now though, he's very important you see. While you have those rays out though, my ale could use little sugar ray if you don't mind. This is Nempele- YOO! Ah, ah, ah, faithful sugar. Yeah, real mark. Barbara, I have come to a decision. I believe that you are trying to steal my soul and hurt my friends.

So now I should stand for that. You guys are gonna break up with a girlfriend every week on the show. I don't want to. I don't want to. with a girlfriend every week? I don't want to. I don't want to. You've been seen. I didn't see you. Busted. All right, look.

Ah, ah, ah. Bob, you just seem to have a commitment problem. That's not me. It's not me. It's not me. I'm trying to not get you killed. Do you want to be killed? Mm, if maybe by that knife.

Oh, dagger, I hardly know her. Can I, do you mind if I, can I steal the knife for a minute? I just want to talk to it. Actually, we just started talking and there's a lot of people here tonight and I don't think you can just steal and first Second, and I'm like it's okay. Okay. Well, I just haven't had time with the knife So I just want to I just want to steal for a second. just I'm sorry well none of us have had time. We're all on a very short amount of time Look chunt whatever you have to say to the knife. I think you can say here in front of all of us We're all friends. I'm Bob and I are basically married. Okay. I just want to say choose me

I'm clearly the best looking one here. I have it all going for me. I am such a bachelor. I'm a badger. You're such a badger. I'm such a badger. Listen, I'm not here to make friends. So it would mean a lot to me if you would just let me have like like three minutes. You're so like probably a forever friend But right now It's about me and a sedor How did she do that when she put on that voice her hair change that she was in a little black dress With her red rose how is she how is she doing this? You know that's a good in my cocktail party. Oh

How is she doing this? You don't get to cut it in my cocktail party! Whoa! Oh, all I made out was cocktail party, but still. Arnie. I'm so focused on that knife, I'm missing like 80% of what's happening. But yes, I heard my name, yeah. Arnie, if you could just like set a one-on-one

for me in Usador, but I need you to make sure that he's not here. Oh, you want me to get rid of Chant who's trying to get that knife? I'll do that. You can go Chant himself because this is my day. Trust me, he will. I'll just have to tell him that's an option. Chant? Yeah. Would you go Chant yourself?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Sure, I'll be back in, let's call it five. Yeah, and oh, I'm reminding me What does it mean when you try your stuff? See you soon Usadahar Just as a little gift to you. I'm gonna give you some one-on-one time with the knife owner Can't remember her name, but I I really know is that the image of that knife has burned into my brain. Yeah, you really obsessed with a knife.

Seems like maybe you should be focused more on Barbara and making her welcome as a guest on the show, instead of focusing on a knife. Oh, look, I put up with your bullshit all the time when you're just like, I'm obsessed with salsa or I've decided I'm a wizard this week. What? I'm a wizard every week.

Yeah, you say that. Mm. Uh, which reminds me, I'm really getting into artisanal... To fuck. Fuck. Do you like sharkhuterie? How did you know it's as if she plucked it out of my very mind? Artisanal sharkhuterie.

Oh, cured meats and cheeses. None of what you can have as we established earlier. Oh, but it's not just about the food. It's about the design that you lay them out in. You know what? I like this. I feel like we could go forward in our future and we'd have our tisinal cheeses. We could take control of a tower and... Oh. There will be so much stuff that we could do if you would just leave your friends in a ditch and move on with me But let's just talk about us right now. Okay. Yes, I'm listening If you want me to leave my friends in a ditch, I some part of me Doesn't want to do that but another part of me is compelled to do so the more I spend time with you Barbara and look deeply in your eyes I feel I must do what air

that has told me to do. We've spent almost 45 minutes of the most beautiful minutes of my life together and the only thing that I can think of that's logical for us to do next is to slay everyone and this is bar move on and take over the towns. Yes, yes, of course, why didn't I see it before? Well, I did it again, I fucked a grandpa. I got outside and I started talking to Lewis, giving him a piece of my mind, and next thing next thing I know where I, you know what, I don't wanna talk about it, but I did hear you all talking while I was at the bar, so I grabbed a three of what I assumed you ordered,

which is a three shark-cooter tease. Careful, it's hot. Oh, delicious. I love a tea with a little sharks swimming around in it. I don't mean to be a big problem. Okay. Barbara, you're never a problem. Thank you.

But if you could personally go and just get me like, Oh, what is it? Anything, Barbara, anything. Anything on the world? Does the knife need anything? To have fling pinkies. To go in my drink as a garnish. Yeah, I got it. I'll be right back. I got, I saw some, I saw some half-links outside.

Oh, while you're gone, I just want to talk to your friends for a minute and I know you guys are on a whole mission thing. Yeah, I don't want to keep you up. No, no, you're not at all. No, Barbara. This is the most fun we've had in a long time. I'm just like meeting new knives Bye, Oostie. Goodbye. I'll be right back my love. It's wild that he left in this throat is still talking There's no issue. We need to handle What the fuck her outfit just changed. She's I look good in black. Yeah, you're wearing all black and you have um my burning red eyes

The horns was it the maybe the wings that gave you a way? Yeah, chunk. You're really focused on the black dress, but the burning red eyes and the horns was the thing that I was really focusing on. Well, it's so slimming. Mm-hmm. It's a great look. I'm good at those. It's striking. All right Barbara, what are you? Huh? Well, I could tell you all that, I could kill you, which one's more fun. I don't tell you. Telling us, yeah, I'm telling us. So, essentially, I'm trying to rule the world.

I needed to find a companion to ride by my side to be my rider, die. Carry my knives, my nails, all the offense. I volunteer. I volunteer Chut I would you has more than one knife it sounds like okay? I'm all baby. Yeah in case you lose one or in case one gets dirty You still want to use it. Wait wait wait wait. You're not as pliable as usador So I'd ask that you stand back or I could kill you or Probably stand back. I'll just stand back or I could kill you or...

I'll just stand back, I'll just stand back. I can go chop myself, I'll be right back. He's at a drop of a hat, he'll chop himself. So which of you will give him away? Will give you soar away? Yeah, I need him. In a wedding ceremony? Like now. Oh.

Ooh. Feels like there should be a trade or something, I don't know, like is there, hmm. He's pretty bad. Well, usually it calls for a full heart. I don't want to actually take his heart. So I'm going to subplan with something. I can use one of yours, or you can move on with your Mary Lies,

or do the whole for a thing. I've only got one heart. I'm not a time lord. It requires a sacrifice. A sacrifice. Wait, sorry were you talking to me? I was over there. I did it again. I fucked another grandpa. Oh see volunteer is tribute. Yeah well he gave me five gold for my birthday so. Wait were you, weeks ago were you glowing red eyes? And one little pinky and two little pinky.

Hiya said to Laura. Oh my, it's so good to see you. Your friends were so nice to me. Were they? Yes, they are wonderful. I have been so close to Arnie and Chantelow these past six years and Chantelow longer before Arnie did arrive. And I could never imagine either one of them

doing anything to hurt me or cast me aside, but I don't even know why I said that. Well, I talked to them personally. Well, you step over here to the side for a second. Yeah, we'll be right back. Okay, excuse us, gardens. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, dearest love, yes, most beautiful flower, tell me, what a secret you have to do. Don't repeat it, but I was told that you and I could rule the Bellaroth Kingdoms by ourselves. And do we just need to sneak off by ourselves and everything will be okay?

Oh, okay. Yeah, great. Great, yeah, let's just rule the Bellaroth Kingdom, why not? I mean, King Albain's been dead for some time, and there's been, you know, quite a bit of chaos there, honestly. Why not just step in and feel that void with our great powers? My Wizard powers and your... Elven powers? Sweet maiden powers. I've just been small towngirl

living in a lonely world. Oh, Barbara, you've made me the happiest wizard that air was born into this world as somewhat in Jellic Bean, taking the slightly human shape that I do now take before the As was so commanded by the birds and the rain and the wind and the fire who demanded there should be a champion I here now declare that not shall stop me in service of Barbara All is for Barbara. All shall die who do cross Barbara. Arnie, his eyes are glowing.

Even these two friends of yours that need to end up in a ditch? Oh yes, Ahni, Chunt, can you come over here for a second? Ah sure. Oh, we heard everything. Ditch, please. Yeah, yeah, please. Just can you just top into a ditch over here and save me the trouble of murdering you both

and putting you both in a ditch? Hop, I don't want to hop. You know what, buddy? I'll go chop myself. I'll go chop myself 10 times over. But I'm not gonna go throw myself in a ditch and use it or my good friend, my boon can ban and would never ask that of me.

Buddy, snap out of it! Yeah, you said or everything's not about you. Oosodor, you can use my beautiful knife. The beautiful knife. Just look into the top of my knife. So voluptuous. It's a message of our love. Do you see the glowing diamond that says,

Come with me, and you'll be in the world of me This shit got wonky I'm gonna fuck that knife. I'm gonna fuck that knife. No, you can fuck everything. No one touches my knife. Oh, sorry baby, I had something in my throat. No, for a moment you were a feel to true self. I did see the demon hiding beneath. Oh, here, lollysuckibus. No, that this wizard may have been tempted. But I have overcome that temptation.

And now you shall take your knife back and just go on your marry way home. Yes, succubus gets sucked. I'm a succubus in the streets, but I'm an asthma in the streets, but a succubus in the streets. Why would you do this to me? Nope, nope. You're a period evil.

Sorry, I've got a whole anti evil thing. It's kind of my whole brand. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I was very tense. I don't know, though. You're in a real rebound space, or maybe, you know what? Look, maybe not evil forever, but maybe like a little temporary evil might be really what you need.

Oni, my first evil act was going to be murdering you So you're pro that is that how a wrapping up this episode look. It's not a perfect solution. Oh, oh We're afraid to step outside the comfort zone of what our episodes have been I fucked two grandpa's tonight. Okay, you do that all the time Don't pretend like that's a new thing Also, they were both half-grandpas, so you fucked one grandpa. I knew there was time travel involved. Barbara, I'm very sorry, but... I shall do you the boon if not slain you here, even though you are one of the forces of darkness,

in light of our relationship. I shall just say good day to you, and tip my my cap and we shall go our separate ways. Can you at least walk me out? Yeah sure, I can walk you out. I'm on each hunt. Excuse me for a moment while I walk, Barbara. Don't forget to get your throat back from the Sock O' Throats. You got it, Barbara.

Come with me. I enjoyed our time here together. And I do hope that someday you shall see the error of your ways and join the forces of goodness and for renounce the forces of darkness and then perhaps there shall be a future for us. You know I really was really investing in you and I feel like I spent the last hour caring about you and I've never cared about anybody more in an hour in my entire life. But you just don't want to let me murder your friends and leave them in ditches and take over a kingdom.

But you know, it's okay. I feel like there's a future for me out there and it was really nice meeting you. Oh, it's nice meeting you too. We'll have a very good day. Could I get my throat back real quick? I mean, I could grow another one, but it's gonna take a while. Yeah, I'm gonna pass because I need it

for a magic thing that I can't tell you about, but yeah. Oh, that sounds legit. No problem. If you're using a magic thing, I'm sure that that can't be anything evil or that will come back to bite me and they ask. So yeah, you can have it. I'll grow another one, it's fine.

Yeah, of course, I would give you something, but you just broke my heart and refused to take over the world with me. It's okay. We're even. I'm so sorry, please. You're a wonderful demon. And I hope that you find everything that makes you happy.

I can't find it. I'll make it and murder it. Huh? You let that one slip out. I heard that one. But I'll let it slide. What can you do? Arnie, look through the window. It looks like they're ending on good terms. They're both smiling.

Well, you should or smiling. I can't, I can't tell. He's out, but he's not very good at reading other people's emotions. So sometimes he's just smiling. Well, you used to do it smiling. I can't, I can't tell. He's all, but he's not very good at reading other people's emotions. So sometimes he's just smiling and he's like, the other person is really mad or sad. Oh, look. Barbara turned into a full on demon succubus. Oh, she's picking him up with her talons. Oh, she's dropping him into the river. Oh, I think they're going to work it out. dropping him into the river. Oh, I think they're gonna work it out. Hey, Arnie, I just wanna apologize that we were fighting over the same.

I know. I know that happens a lot. And I wanna be your wingman, but sometimes you just see a knife that's so fucking sexy. I know. How often do you see a dagger with tits? Oh shit, that's it. The whole time.. I was like what is it about this knife?

I'm so into it was yeah, I was the tits. I didn't even put that together I already took a math this week We damn yourself Just chose it we can be on our future right now Choke on some brimstone so we're never ever ever We're never ever ever getting back together shit use, Yusin has got a tie. He's really... I can't still leave. I feel like, can I be honest? I feel like he has all these relationships

and make sure that they go badly and they break up just so he can write spells about it, right? He's gonna write a new spell and this one will be called red based on our eyes or something. He's just, he's using all these relationships to write spells. I'm onto him. Well, I'll go back to December and you can keep something. He's just, he's using all these relationships to write spells. I'm onto him.

Well, I'll go back to December and you can keep it here. You said or, you said or. Yes, yes, yes. Are you okay? It looked like things kind of got a little rough out there. Yeah, it wasn't great. I think she's pretty mad at me. We're never, ever, ever getting back together.

Sure. Oh, buddy, shake it off. I like it, so I think it'll work out. But yeah, yeah, buddy, shake it off. I think it'll work out. But, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you see. Um, did the knife say anything about me?

Shut up. You've been sitting through another foray into the complicated gender dynamics of hello from the Magic Tavern. Usual of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi. Barbara the Succubus was played by special guest Christina Ariela. Post of the Star Wars The High Republic Show on the official Star Wars YouTube channel. Take it from me, make sure that Star Wars YouTube channel you're watching is official. I got duped into enduring hours of the most hastily thrown together fan service just last

weekend. What was it called again? Oh yeah, the Expans. Also check out the numerous actual play RPG shows featuring Christina, including Pirates of Leviathan on Dimension 20, and Into the Motherlands. Follow Christina at ChristinaREL on Instagram and Twitter. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas.

This episode edited by Steffen Draincher. Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allert Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. For a transcript of today's episode, listen to it again and write down everything we say. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH