Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 84 - The Boy King and the Prince (w/ Jordan Morris)

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

Prince Tomblain Belaroth encounters some unexpected competition from Dartholomew the Boy King.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDartholomew, the Boy King: Jordan MorrisTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Except the arguments and lingering resentment, that you can't fake.

A quick thanks to everyone who completed their survey after I became more relatable last week. I'm told, the general public now finds me, let's see where's the printout. Recalcitrant? Capricious? And like one of those sleep paralysis demons that hovers just out of your line of vision, to which I say you shouldn't have. But now let's get to the transcribed audio signals that allow Earth residents to experience Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Arnie Heath Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About six years and a couple weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional Rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, Chromicaling our quest, not only to defeat the Dark Lord, but to get Prince Tom Blaine bellowroff onto his rightful throne in the Northeast, and I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Prince Tom Bellowroff.

Tom, how you doing, bud? I am fit as a fiddle, and I'm excited to be in my home city. Arnie, I hope that someday you can take me to Chicago, and you can show me your home, the Burger King, and all the other sights of the town. I've had to explain this to a lot of people, not just in Fune, but back in Chicago. I don't live in the Burger King.

Well, why not? Well, I mean, first of all, they kick you out at a certain time. You know, no more. Well, you don't live in the King, but you live in the Burger Palace where the King lives. No, I would visit the Burger King. Here in the king, but you live in the burger palace where the king lives. No, I would visit the burger king. Here's the thing, I wouldn't be there more than like two hours a day.

Arnie? Yes. Are you telling a whopper right now? It's a little chicken fly, chicken fry. No, I thought that was going to be something. Let me give you a shake. Now tell me the truth. Tom, I look, I could talk about Earth stuff all episode as you will come to learn as my new co-host of this podcast. But I want to know more about this amazing city we're in. This is my

first time in a fantasy big city. Welcome to the capital of the Northeast, Northeast. That's the name of the Northeast. Northeast? Northeast. Northeast. This is the city of Northeast. It's in the southwest of the Northeast and this is where the seat of power lies. Do you see those parapets on the horizon? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'm assuming it's what you're pointing at. Is that a parapet? Yes, yes, that's a parapet. What do you call that on Earth?

I mean like three dogs in a cat. Okay, all right, no, behind those, you see the dogs, okay, the dogs in the way, yeah. Yeah, and also now that I think about it, that's like three pets, That's not a pair of pets That's that's ridiculous Yes, fool. That would be a quad pet. Oh shit use the norsear and chant Tom be cool. I didn't tell them about the format change

Hey, hey, what's going on? Why is the podcast equipment out? Equipment ah ah ah bath scrumptious granola scrumptious granola, you know, anytime I go to a big city, I get so Tung Tide because I'm so nervous to meet all these high-falutin people, you know people in the big city They flew up here, you know, and I'm a little country boy who flutes down here Whoo do this there's a there's a tongue twister that I do as a warm up for my acting who say Unique Northeast yeah unique Northeast yeah unique do as a warm up for my acting. You say unique Northeastia, unique Northeastia, unique Northeastia, unique Northeastia. Time out real quick. Use the words of hat. Anyway, why is use the words voice coming out of your hat, chung? Well, as you know, the people in the bigger

cities tend to not believe in magic as much as us country bumpkins do so Yusidor thought it might be fun and more more safe to turn himself into a hat which I'm not wearing. Wait Yusidor is a magic cat? Yeah that's right. Alright I'm gonna put him on and find out definitively which of the four personality types I am. Here I go. Tell me for certain which of the four personality types I am. Here I go. Tell me for certain which of the 4 personality types I am. Oh, and you, sir, make sure you start in of your findings with, hmm. Hmm. Yeah, where do I have to say you are an ENFT?

Oh, Maya's Briggs, you've nailed me. Yeah, he said I was a UNITY. You know what I'm really nervous about? Ah, the Arnie I failed to tell you about is... I have an ex that lives in this city, uh... Northeastia Alexa, it's a boat I used to date. You used to date a boat? I don't want to talk about it.

You used to date the Northeastia Alexa? Oh, you-you know her? Well, my friend... I'm so sorry to inform you. But she burned down... Huh? In the harbor. What? Northeastia Alexa? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, since, since food became flat, certainly. This is, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta bounce back from this. You gotta get yourself an uptown girl. Look, issue will be significantly less good than the North East. Yeah, but this, I would be too nervous.

I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack, attack, attack, attack, attack, attack. You ought to know by now that we should get talking to Tom Blaine, Tom. Let me just give you some of the local drinks from Northeastia. Here's a bottle of red, bottle of white, whatever kind of mood you're in, just enjoy. This is Northeastia. These are the specialty drinks of Northeastia. Our two drinks, red and white, they're both very, very good.

I recommend red, and the city is known for its beautiful people. Look around. Have you ever seen more beautiful people? The people are very... I do have a little self-conscious about not... We're just... like I... I'm still... Should I have cleaned all the mud and shit off of my pants from when we were traveling on the muddy dirty Dirty shitty road no no no no you're fine. There's a saying here that a hogs face eight is an orthesia two I don't yes You math and you're like a hogs face two to start with so cleaning up wouldn't help all right

There's a there's a comfort that comes in knowing that and if a hog's face 8 is an orthestia 2 and you're a hog's face 2, then you're an orthestia minus 6. Yeah. I'm a Chicago 7. Is it alright if I do, I was thinking about doing a segment now that we're in orthestia. I'm- Should we do a segment every episode called Royal Politics Watch? Jijing, what is going on with the P-dub?

Oh, sorry, what was that sound? I made that with my mouth. Royal Politics Watch, jijing. But what is that? That's the trademark sound of Royal Politics Watch, jijing. Are we sold on Royal Politics Watch or could we call it RP Dub? RP Dub?

Yeah, let me try it. Now it's time for RP Dub. T-ching! Still get does a sound, so yeah. I feel like I need to pay for something. I feel like I'm being rung up. T-ching! Yes, how much does it cost to have this segment?

It's four coins every time I say T-ching! Oh, four coins. I've got four coins, all right. Just any coins at all? Mm-hmm. No, that's the currency of Northeastia coins. Yeah, and Arnie, can you put your arm up again? No, just the one. Okay, and now I'm gonna okay slot these four coins And now I'll just give a tug of your arm. Wow, I won! What did I win? Do I get to know about the politics? You do. I hope so. I just

Tom Blaine catches up on What's going on in North Eastia. You're here to take the throne right? Well my father died. No and exactly knows who killed him. And no one at all. Wasn't us, wasn't us. Good point. Well why would it be? But I will say that we we have spoken about this before and I don't want to get too far into it, but I think we all understand that my father is dead. Now, my mother is Queen Regent.

You're familiar with the Queen Titania? Oh, yes, very much so. Okay, I didn't think that hats could appear aroused, but very well. I'm standing straight up. Yes, I know! That's my mom you're talking about. At an exact point!

And on the inside, he has a boner. It's touching the top of my head, like a stalagite. Or is it stalagite? That boner might hit your head. Yeah, I think it's might. But I don't know, that boner's tight. I mean, it could be either right? Oh, yeah!

Yeah, that's how it works. It gets tight, and that's how it becomes turgid But my mother has declared her intention to leave the throne to go fuck the sky This guy no to go fuck the sky which guy yeah, which guy the cheeks use herself before she did to go fuck the sky Oh The sky the whole sky not the whole sky the sky hole just for your piece of mind is it a nice guy? I don't know I suspect she's going to fuck the sky hole because she's always complained to me about not being able to find the ozone Yes, if you can find the ozone there's quite there's a lot of nerve endings in the ozone right don't know that but my mother is

My mother is an adventurous woman My mother is, my mother is an adventurous woman. And she's very sex positive. And of course, that's a good quality, unless you're someone's son, and then you don't really want to hear about it. Sure. But she has these annual ceremonies, where she indulges in carnal delights.

And well, she's made a declaration that she's had everything on fune that she can have, and now she wants to fuck the sky. So if she's had everything, you know, everything carnal, anytime I go to a carnal, I usually get, has she had like a lemon shake up? A lemon shake up. Yeah. I don't follow the ins and outs of my mother's sexual life. Okay. Pun intended. Sorry, sorry. I don't want to be here because of my mother's,

I don't want to talk about my mother's sex life. Of course, of course. But she has made it an issue, and now that means that she can't be on the throne anymore, and it's time for me to step in. But unfortunately, my sister, and anyone else who thinks they have a claim to royalty, has also come to Northeastia to try to grab the throne. But to me, it's quite straightforward. If you're the son of the king and the queen, the first son, that's the way the law works. So mostly what I'm hearing is we already missed the festival of the satiated hippograph? Yes, damn.

It's already happened, and now she's going to ascend to the sky to fuck this guy. And I just want to be like, the sky is not my dad. The sky is not my dad. Oh, Tom Lane, the sky could never have placed your father. Like, who is the sky? Who's the sky? Well, that's a good, good question. You know, you get up in the morning, the sky's there, and you're like, why is the sky here?

You know, and the seat and breakfast, it's kind of hanging out, relaxing, calls you champ, tossles your hair. Who the fuck is the sky? Uh, maybe Tom Blaine. She just wants to go fornicate with this sky because the sky's blue. Let's cheer him up.

Arnie, Tom Blaine's getting pretty upset. Should we end this segment? Oh shit, I don't have a... Wait, I don't have... I don't have a sound effect. I don't have a sound effect. I don't have a sound effect. Gagooga.

Oh, that's... Gagooga, but that's what it is now. Sidebar, we have to talk about these sounds, but after I'll take a whole... After. Oh. You said, or, you lost that privilege when you turned yourself into a hat. I'm sorry, but do you want a wizard to have to walk around here and explain to everybody what magic is all the time when you get a bunch of naysayers that say

magic is a drill and then you say to one of them, I shall transform myself into a hat and then you get stuck in the hat is that what you want Arnie it's so cool to be in a big city look out. There's museums over here. There's Galleries over here and plenty of side bars if you get thirsty. Yum yum yum. What do you want to do? Oh look at wow Arnie, I don't know if this is part of the art gallery, but look at that Super or Nate carriage stopped in the middle of the road. It's so ornate, but kind of small, what? Yeah.

Do you want to knock on the door? See what's in there? Sure, you know me. I see a small door. I want to knock on it. Oh, let's see if there's anybody selling tickets. No, I don't see anyone. Oh, just give it a...

Who disturbs the carriage slumber of Darth Alamu, the boy king? Fight to the death for my amusement! Fight to the death for my amusement! Oh, your majesty, it is a pleasure to see you again. Well, I've been here all along. Oh, no, I was speaking to our Darth Alamu, the boy king of the Shrike Valley. Hold on, I think I recognize the voice coming out of that hat. It's Yusudor the Wizard, the only one who was even a little bit nice to me the last time I was on the podcast.

Your Majesty. I feel like I was kind of nice to you, as mostly as the chant was a good guy. You were real passive aggressive and talked over me. That's what I do. Sorry, Mewmew. Ha ha. Okay, hold on. Huh? I don't want to go back and, you know,

relitigate the whole last episode I was on, but listen, I'm a boy king. I get it. I have big, cherubic cheeks and my little crown slips down over my eyes and be so often because it's a little too big for my tiny head. It's very, very cute. Adorable.

But I am to be feared. I wiped out an entire countryside with only my whims and cruelty, so I will thank you to pay me the proper respect, or else I will have you slit open and filled with spiders for my amusement. Well perhaps you don't know who you're in the presence of Boy King because you might be a boy king of a different country but here we are in Northeastia and I am a man boy prince. I am a boy to man okay hold? Hold on. Who the fuck is this? Oh, have you turned out mad? Why don't you look at a coin?

Funny. Give me one of those coins. So you look kinda like the coin guy. Big whoop. That's me sucking on my mother's breast on that coin. Oh, okay. I see. Now listen.

I know a power vacuum when I smell one. That's why I'm here. That's why I traveled here in my mythical carriage because I could smell the power vacuum when I smell one. That's why I'm here, that's why I traveled here in my mythical carriage because I could smell the power vacuum. And I know, oh, I'm right, he is sucking on that breast. Pretty hard. There's a lot of nerve endings that are breast. It's like the sky in that way.

Don't bring up the sky, don't bring up the sky. Man, you're kind of uptight. If you talk about a vacuum again, you're going to die, son. Whoa, hold, okay. I think I, as someone who has been a ruler and, you know, temporarily is not one, but who has ruled, I think I have a lot of claim to this kingdom. And just because you're on some sort of coin, sucking on boob doesn't mean that you have any of the powers to govern. I-I-I serve no how to govern through fear, through forcing people to fight for the-to the death, through demanding that people bring you delicious treats like dogs stuffed with cats. Oh.

Bring me a dog stuffed with cats. There's a parapet over there. Can you stuff part of it in the other part? If you can, I'll take it. I just want one animal shoved inside another animal. Is that too much to ask? You are a has ruled. And I am a gunner rule.

Oh, a gunner rule. Geez, Louise. Okay, here, let's, how about this? Ruler quiz. Ruler quiz. Oh, ch-ching. Can Ruler quiz have its own sound effect? I don't want the sound effect from the other segment.

That just makes it feel cheap. Can you just do, ba-ba-ba-ba-fun. Love it. I like that one. Ruler quiz. All right. First question. What is a good, who's my idea?

You're gonna start. All right, sure. Let's hear it. All right, Ruler quiz. Yeah, I'll, sure. All right, Ruler quiz. I can take as good as I can give. Yes. Ruler it. All right ruler quiz. Yeah, I'll sure All right, I can take this as good as I can give yes ruler quiz all right What would you call a stick with markings used to measure something?

Okay, I see what you're doing here. You're gonna do ruler puns. You know what puns get you? What they get you torn apart by the villagers. Because they don't respect you. I just remember I have to sit down and lay down for a minute here. John, you're in real danger. If you spend your entire day punning around the villagers, we'll get onry, they will drag you out of the castle, and they will draw and quarter you in the town square. Real ruler quiz. Alright fair enough, what's your first question?

Arnie I don't know what to do because I scrambled over and I bought Dartholomew a dog stuffed with corn but I'm afraid to give it to him because if I say that in a certain order it's gonna seem like a pun. Here I'll just, uh, king, uh, or, possible, possible king. What is it? Do you have my animal stuffed with another animal? It's not a pun. I do and I'll let you decide what it is. Uh, or- Yes? P-possible, Possible King. What is it? Do you have my animal stuffed with another animal? That's not a pun?

I do, and I'll let you decide what it is. Oh, I see. It's an eardog. My favorite. Mmm, ruler quiz. You're lounging on your cushion. I'm with you so far, this hypothetical is great. You're being bathed in various milks by maidens of various heights. So far, this question's relaxing.

But you feel on wee creepin'. The boredom that comes with having your every whim met. What do you do? What do you do, tough guy? Let's see, I run away from responsibility, join an acting troupe, then hide away with my friends, and become a series of bats. Then, I become a woman named Lady Parts who is the barren's girlfriend. I agree to marry him

But I run away and then I go and become a spy in the Shrike Valley and Right a book and then make my way back home Close but super wrong you make your uncle kill your aunt Jesus Christ. That wasn't even Ah boy, you make your uncle kill your aunt. Jesus Christ. That wasn't even, ah boy. It was right there. You make your uncle kill your aunt for your own amusement. Make my uncle kill my aunt. Why would I do that? Because it breaks up the day. It makes the boring day where you're having your every whim met just a little bit interesting. You use cruelty. Ugh, geez, you want this guy to rule? You should or help me out here.

Now, Dotholomew, you must know that I respect you as a subverning. You? But you must understand what caused you to lose your first kingdom. What said you made them all kill each other or themselves? Yeah. So, if you learned any lesson, that if you want to rule over a kingdom perhaps you should not. Okay, I should I think that first time was a fluke. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna try and

seize control of this kingdom where there is no ruler and instill in people, um, instill fear in them and then, um, yeah, just like hope it works out this time. Well, I've got some bad news for you because herediterally speaking, you're not poised to seize power over this kingdom because I'm on the coin sucking a boob. That could easily be me sucking that boob. No, look at it. Look at the back of the head. That's me.

Just take the coins to the smelters, add a little crown that's slipping down over his eyes because it's a little too big. And that could be me sucking boob. Oh, if you just wanted to make it look like Dartholomew, you could unbutton that. One little button of his butt flap and that's always like hanging down

so you can see his little butt. It's so adorable. It's really cute. It's really cute. Okay, I get it cute, but don't point it out, all right? This is worse than when I went to the beach and that dog grabbed my little beach shorts. It's time to blame. I'm a little bit worried like obviously you are the next in succession. You're the rightful heir of the throne here, but he's a pretty adorable little boy king. Like, I could see that just being enough for him to like slide in and become the king, right? Oh, the people are smarter than that, Arnie.

They don't just vote for something because, you know, it pleases them. People do their research. All right, I didn't wanna go here, but. To Northeastern. Then leaf, then yes, then don't be here. Oh, that's not my go here, I mean, here's what I was talking about, okay?

Listen, my cuteness is my cross to bear. I had a spell put on me and I am forever a boy so that my rule will be longer blah, blah, blah, blah. And yes, it does make it so that I am more difficult to take serious, but if it will get me the throne, I will eat a bowl of spaghetti really messy and then dump the bowl of spaghetti on my head and slurp up the last long noodle. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, a bowl of what? Oh, sorry I did I say spaghetti. I'm it Pusquetti Thank you very much. I will eat a bowl of Pusquetti really messy and then I'll dump the bowl on my head and slurp up the last noodle That's a real long noodle and I'm so sorry. I have to I just I have to ask will the final noodle kind of slap you in the face

If that's what it takes yes if that's what it takes to seize power and instill a reign of cruelty that will last thousands of years. Yes, I will let the last long noodle slap me in the face. Ah, Tom Lane, this is a compelling argument. I'm beginning to throw my weight behind Dotholon you. Yeah, especially if after he does that, he's gonna turn to nobody, shrug and say, hymns did it again. Don't give him good positive advice. Here's what I'll do. I'll make my big speech. My big, uh, dictatorial speech. After my daddy brings me back from the dentist, and I'm still a little loopy from...

Dentist chemicals. They'll have no choice but to instill me, and then my reign of cruelty can sweep over the land. I will rule with a cute fist, a cute little fist. I'm starting to get a little bit nervous. I'm sure you've got a plan as to like how you'll become king, right? Yes of course, of course I've got a plan. What might it be? Exactly. What might it be? It might be I could bite you and you could start crying. What? You know I bite you and then you like you know you cry to Arnie that you know chanty bit you.

And then the entire kingdom just comes around and decides to support me. Ahhh. I can't rely on a cuteness competition. You don't know shit about cute dude. Oh I don't know shit about cute. Take a look at the kid sucking that boob on that coin. I was 9 years old and very very cute when that happened. I don know, you're kind of cross-eyed and your ears have a lot of hair. I can't even tell from the coin. Get this weird look on your face, man. It's kind of creepy.

You know Dothalamu, when they change this coin to have your visit on it, perhaps they should change the tone to copper. Oh yeah, exactly. That would be this would be a good place for the For the immortalization of the time that the dog pulled down my little beat shorts Exactly. Yes. Oh indeed. Tumbling. So if you don't go young Here's what you do you go sexy, right? He goes cute. We go sexy What you do is you stand on top of a carriage, right? And you're washing the carriage and the sud start to froth up And then you bite into a dog full of corn and the mustard drips onto your tits. Chuck, that's your solution for everything.

I can let mustard drip onto my tits. That's what it takes. I can wind up this guy in every, every single avenue. What? No, no, I can, I can two up you. If you one up me, then I'll two up you. And then I'm still ahead. Damn. And because I, I overleap, your one up with a two up. I'm older, I'm more mature, and this is my town.

Everyone here recognizes me. Well, let's see. Is there anybody here? Hey! Hey, anybody here? Recognize that I, I don't know. Do people see, is there anybody here? Hey, hey, anybody here recognized that I don't know. Do people know there's a celebrity here? Does anybody recognize this guy?

Hello fellow Northeastians. It is I, Tom Blaine Bellaroth. I've returned. Didn't hate die. Your mom's fucked everything in this. Okay, alright. I don't want to hear about my mom. Alright? Didn't he die? Your mom's fucked everything in this- Okay! Alright! I don't wanna hear about my mom. Alright?

I'm here to reclaim the throne of the Northeast. You are my subject. Who's a cute kid? Oh shit, is that the boy came over there? Yeah, it's me. This popsicle made my tongue purple. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa That's my friend. You are fuck you are so fucked my friend look at this The popsicle made my teeth cold Okay, we can all we can all appreciate that but what I plan to do is install a marginal tax rate that is fair

For everyone in Northeastia. It provides childcare for working families, alright? It allows for a minimum wage increase. It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows...

It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows...

It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... It allows... You're fucked my friend. You're so fucked. You're fucked like a sky hole. You're a fucking nasty tight sky hole Because I got cute for fucking days. You got boring. You got boring gobbledy-gook You got what I have his solutions obviously people are going to be educated and they're going to want Then I sort of believe whatever you say because you're a baby. Oh, I tied my shoelaces together. Whoa God that kids cute. That's exactly what we need in this country. I don't want to think about anything Almost no longer sad about Alexa and her poor mother Mama Leoni All right, I'll level with you. Okay. I got this in the back. You all know it. Yeah, you know, I got this unlock I will leave the kingdom and

drop out of the Monarch election. Why? Yeah, I do have a lot of questions about how Maybe seems like anyway Listen the last time I was on the podcast about how I'm going to be. Yeah, maybe it seems like anyway. Listen, the last time I was on the podcast, Yusudor placed a temporary spell on me. Oh yeah.

Turning me into the 40-year-old man that I actually am. Oh, yes. And, you know, for a brief period, I knew, you know, what it was like to, you know, only care about home prices in my neighborhood and to get all those Billy Joel jokes you were making earlier. Oh, that's what that was. I knew it was like to have the man's penis that I feel I have inside me. Oh, no.

Oh, there's got to be a better way to say that. Yeah, it's your right. That kid's not cute. Everyone wants the feeling of a man's penis inside them. I don't want either of those two to rule me. I will leave this place and leave the crown to you if Yusador would place the spell back on me and turn me into the 40-year-old man that I actually am.

God, I miss it. God, I miss it. I miss, I miss just being a fucking 40-year-old man that I actually am. God, I miss it. God, I miss it. I miss, I miss just being a fucking 40-year-old and falling asleep at 10 p.m. It was so beautiful. But Dartholomeal, if I remember correctly, you were a 40-year-old for about three minutes. And in that three minutes, I saw it all. I saw my life as a 40-year-old, I saw it all. I saw my life as a 40-year-old enjoying the music of Eric Clapton and talking endlessly about my barbecue grill. Ornie, just in case you didn't know, Eric Clapton is a guy who sings, singer-songwriter plays at a lot of restaurants and people don't like his music and then afterwards he'll

be like, do you listen to the song and they'll say, yeah, and I'll go, Clapton! And people begrudgingly clap, it's just had to explain that. See, if I was a 40-year-old man, I would have loved that joke. I fucking hated it now, but were I to be my rightful 40-year-old self? I would have laughed at that for 10 goddamn minutes.

I guess I must be young at heart because I didn't love it either. Chant placed me upon Dotholomew's head. Oh, yeah Well, let me he's got a crown on should I take out the crown and put the crown on top of me now Oh, this is fun. What what's next? Yeah kind of a hat on a hat really now put the dog it filled with corn on top of the crown Okay, it's starting hold, it's starting to teeter. It's fun. Use one hand, only use one hand,

otherwise you're breaking the rules. Okay, okay. Now, now what? Are there any other objects that we've established or in the area? Now to thaw them you. Concentrate and think about that dragon you've been chasing. That sweet middle-aged life. Think long and hard about it. Think about that dragon you've been chasing that sweet middle-aged life

Think long and hard about it. Think about that man's penis that you so desire and here now Concentrate. Why do all of you so do is spells involve closing your eyes and thinking about man's penis Hey, man, the dude gets results speaking of results. Let's hear some ads We'll be right back with more. Hello for the Magic Dabber. And we're back and it's been a sort of tense showdown about whether or not Yeastore is going to transform Dartholomew back into a man Dartholomew if I may is there some sort of compromise where maybe lower half man top half boy Half half right half man left half boy is there some sort of fun combo you want to try?

No, I think I'm ready to Go all-man all the time. I've spent several eternity as a boy You know making boom boom in my die-die and you know boy stuff That seems more like baby stuff. Yeah, how old of a boy are you exactly? I'm approximately ten you know the day you are when you make boom boom in a die-die ten Just normal ten-year-old stuff. Wait, he's ten. You should be way past a lot of that stuff, I think. No, I am- I am the boy king. I will mess where I please.

I mean ten-year-olds should be able to eat dinner without making a huge mess. The year-wond-talk boob sucker. That was a long time ago. You said you were nine when that happened. Yes. That- that would have been cute a few minutes ago, and now, oops, sucker just seems sad. For a 10-year-old to say that? Kind of sad and dumb. Okay, well now I'm definitely gonna go man

because apparently my cuteness is worn off. Hey, fuck this kid. Then prepare. That you feel your very legs stretching your back. Hold on. hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. It's a thing it really happened. Oh, party user or Tom blame. Hey, did you notice that his carriages parked here in the middle of the street? Because there's no horses and no staff or Kingsman waiting around for him? I'm pivoting, okay? I'm mid pivot. I was so scared this guy was gonna tear me limb from limb

from making puns. I can shove this kid down. Hey! Uh, my knees. Oh no. Where are all the King's horses and all the King's men? Yeah, where are your horses and men? You know how sports teams have rebuilding years. That's kind of what it's kind of what I'm going through right now I mean I I lost my kingdom my Opaire abandoned me and Born for his group of jam menstruals took off

He was kind of a hippie guy. There's rebuilding years and then there's like you know that packet timber wolves in the woods that have said they've been in rebuilding Years for I don't know 22 fucking years. I don't really follow wolf sports, but I'll take your word for it Well take it for me. It's sad. It's super sad of all the surprising things that have happened on six years of this podcast Born forms band taking off is the thing that surprises me the most. Oh, yeah, they're huge. Wait a minute This carriage has a compartment underneath For your legs to stick out. Don't touch that. Don't touch that. Did you just walk this carriage into North Eastia? Yeah, okay. Sure. Yes. I flinched over to the carriage over here, but Yeah, okay, sure. Yes, I flinched down to the carriage over here, but

Listen, a king has to appear king Lee so he can instill fear and make people fight to the death for his amusement Causing a listen. I don't need to explain government to you. Okay. I'm I'm terrified. I'm terrified by your Betwee-be-legs. I'm between kingdoms. It happens. It happens to rulers. You have, you know, boom, boom years and bust years. Speaking of being between kingdoms, Darth Alamo, I think you're not the boy king anymore. I think you've somehow tipped out into being a tween king. Tween king, oh boy. That's gonna make...

ruling tough. Nobody likes a tween. Arnie, it's tough. I donueling tough, nobody likes a tween. Arnie, it's tough. I don't wanna vote for this little fucking boy. And also, Tom Blaine, he kind of crumbled under the pressure of debating someone. Maybe I'm just gonna vote for Phil Stein. Meaning I'm just gonna drink more beer. Help! Help! I followed off the boy king's head and I mean shriveled by the crowd! Oh here, yes, yes sir, let me...

Ah, best you off here. Huh, thank you. I think I can still salvage your vote. Okay. Okay, I'm pretty sold... I'm pretty sold on filling my spine. I'm still not sure that anyone is gonna be voting, but I still wanna listen.

Yeah, I don't think it's so much of a vote as it is who the crowd supports. Okay, cute off. We tried the ruler quiz. It didn't work. All right. It should come down to cuteness, right here in the town square. Perfect.

We each have a specific amount of time to cute. Okay. And whoever can cute the cutest will become the ruler. All right, it's time for the cute off to Qing Gotta get four coins. Yeah, I'm slipping to my bikini here and just carry this sign across the middle everyone attention everyone It's gonna be a cute off. Okay, and begin Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so Oh, I better reach into this other compartment of my carriage and pull out

several ducks little ducks. Oh, and they're having a hard time Getting up a ridge. I shall help them get up a ridge and now I will Help them get up a ridge. And now I will, oh, what's this? Inside the cake compartment. It's a birthday cake, my birthday cake. Time to eat it all messy. And that's time. Not really surprising to find a cake in the cake compartment,

I guess. Yeah, that's what's for. I keep a cake there in case I need to have a little birthday party and impress everybody with some messy cuteness. Okay, and what's for. I keep a cake there in case I need to have a little birthday party and impress everybody with some messy cuteness. Okay, and that's time. How long has that cake been in that compartment? A while.

Well, you have to have that cake in that compartment because that's the only way the carriage will go the distance. If you're going for speed, right. Guys, now it's not the time to talk about terrible music. Tom Blaine, it's your turn. Getting a little cold, I'm gonna put out a short skirt and a long jacket That's one, right? I will survive Perhaps perhaps perhaps use a door. I don't think covers down. Yes. You still use point point working

Come here. Come. Should I conjure you a big lollie or something? Oh man, I didn't get a lollie. Turn me into a baby duck. To a baby duck. So be it. Eroth, Chinook, Ekara, Tanya, Arapolo. Whoa! Well hello, everybody.

Huh. I'm a baby duck. Should've worked on the voice. W-w-w-w-w-w. Let's see where this is going. Huh, I'm a baby god Should've worked on the voice. What? Let's see where this is going I'm gonna take a bath in In this puddle. Oops My feathers fell off

Oh, how lovely everybody. Oh god. Oh god. This is your let's get your feathers back on you. Are you okay? They fell off so fast all of them Shed in the water of just run off your back how weird. Oh like off of a duck's back Yeah, look at me. I'm totally naked without my feathers. Oh No, oh we can see his dick his little his little corkscrew dick It's like a yaga is trying to be sexy, but not quite being able to do it. Is that my corkscrew dick? Is that out? Can everybody see it?

Oh, somebody give me a bottle of red to open with this thing. Sorry to keep going back to the voice, but he sounds like when an Irish actor tries to play American. Yeah! No, this is perfectly natural. Come on. I'm a little duck. May, may, may be West. It sort of sounds like Jimmy Stewart's trying to get nasty.

What? I can't help but feel responsible for how weird this duck is. How weird the duck is certainly not what I intended to make. Give them oversized glasses. Give them oversized glasses. Give them oversized glasses. A roll, truck, but odd. Oh, perfect. Put a little bow on my head now. Come on, look at my corkscrew penis.

This is what cute is, right? Tom Blaine, you have to keep in mind. You used it or earlier, turned himself into a hat and hasn't been able to figure out how to turn himself back. So are we confident? You're not gonna be stuck as this duck. What? Why don't like that law? Ony, you should know better than to lack faith in Yusodora's power. I should this very moment transformed humbling back into himself

with my most powerful of magical spells. Chachee! How do you like that? The cutest duck you've ever seen. I must powerful of magical spells. Chich-chich! Ha! How do you like that? The cutest duck you've ever seen. I hope my feathers didn't fall off too soon. You still have that weird duck deck though. No, that's my regular. Okay.

I'll put my clothes back on. Welcome to the world of having an upsetting penis. That's gotta be a segment. I think it's a world we can all identify with. And that shall be the rallying cry of my campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone here in Northeastia, I am ready to assume the throne and admit that I have an upsetting penis.

And if you two have an upsetting penis or upsetting genitalia in any way, come join me. And let's fight for food. Let's fight for Northeastia and all of the Northeast. Yes, I'm not a little boy. I'm not a baby. I'm a mature man who's gone all through food and seen all kinds of things. I've been all kinds of people.

I've been 24 distinct bats and I am ready to be your ruler and king if you'll have me. I'll now take questions. I have a sorry, it's chunt here, your friend. Yes, chunt. Yes. He's got a plant. No, I'm a badger. Well, shape shifter. He's with him. No, I'm a badger. Well, shape shifter. He's with him. He's not taking questions from the audience. Hold on, hold your horses, sir. I have a question. You played 24 distinct bats. And yet you could barely play one coherent duck.

Why is that? Well, that duck was perfectly coherent. Hey, you're supposed to be my friend. I'll take a question from the guy with the horses now. You can stop holding them. And what was your question? I just wanted to point out that the guy came in here with you. That's not a question from the audience.

Ooh! Yeah, fine. So if you want to ask a question, ask one. Uh... Hmm. Do you know that guy? Yes, I do. ask a question ask one uh do you know that guy? yes I do yes that's my friend chant so I'm right yes all right another question yes over there I have a question is that yes yes

you should all turn that guy into a fucking duck Oh The voice comes when they be okay, that's that they get the voice Now that hat is a friend of mine. Oh, well, all right That I suppose I'll just get in this water. I sure of my duck butt Used to don't that duck is outcuting all of us. Do I get to do a closing statement and take questions? Oh, yeah, please Please yes fair enough fair enough. I wish daddy was made of pizza. I will now take questions. Hmm.

You got admit that was really cute. You are fucked, my friend. I have a question. Yes, what kind of pizza? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm He wants to eat his dad. That's not right. That's not right. You're overthinking it. It's just cute. It's just the thing a little kid says. It's- You're overthinking it. It's- No, you don't do a cake. Take it literally. You know, from the- They say the darnedest things. But if you want to run a country, you have to overthink things. You can't just say the simplest statement. Disagree. Yes, you in the back.

I-I had a question for the boy-king. Um, it seems like you said you've been around for a while, in the back. I had a question for the boy king. It seems like you said you've been around for a while and even once was a 40 year old man. And yet now that you are in a boy's body, you don't really articulate yourself as if you have been around a while. You say things like boom boom and die die. How come your vocabulary has not cut up with your years? Well, there's a very good explanation

That I will now tell to you. He's stalling for time. Why are there so many talking ducks around here? Here comes the explanation. I give you that The tooth dare fairy took my two front teeth. Oh No further questions my two front teeth. He's got teeth. These answers don't make sense. Think about it people. Use your brains. Also I'm not a duck. I'm a pooka. But a pooka. Exactly. Harvey was here. Bye-bye. You know, I didn't even see anything but footprints in that direction. Very strange. but footprints in that direction. Very strange. Uh, you said or.

I think the boy king is definitely gonna be Tom Blaine. Maybe we need to go back to the plan of turning him into a 40-year-old. Quickly, throw me on his head. Baaah! Ah! Well, there's something on my head. No. No way, I changed my mind about being 40. I changed my mind. I want to be cute. I mean, my cutest. No! My cutest is my new power!

Oh, God, my cutest is my new power. Hell anybody want to split some potato skins? Well, well, well, who's cute now? What not the ass in your pants? I made it I made a boom boom in my dideye. I'm still kind of cute right now Come on, that's disgusting. The top half of your butt is showing. I want spaghetti. What if daddy was pizza? Say it right. He's like, and through the greatest hits, it is not working. I don't know, though. Hearing a 40-year-old man say, what if daddy was pizza, it weirdly does kind of still work for me, and I gotta really think about that.

Yeah, but it sounds like some sort of pick-up line. Listeners, if you're on Twitter, tweet at us what your theories are about if you like hearing what if Daddy was pizza. Include hashtag magic-tivered hashtag what if Daddy was pizza. Ony had worked. The crowd is dispersing. They're no longer enthralled by the cuteness of the boy king. Wait, wait, I can still be cute, wait.

Ah, fuck. Yet they're also not enthralled by the person meant to ascend to the throne. Man, when he was a boy and said fuck, it was adorable, but when he's 40 and says fuck, it's kind of sad. He should know that. He should know that. Think about that. The worst part is dirt, I don't think you're gonna fit in your carriage anymore.

You're kind of too big for it. Yeah, shoulda, in hindsight, I shoulda, made a normal man-sized carriage. I shouldn't have assumed I was gonna be a boy-free turnity. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just better get a nice Kia or something. Something with a good mileage. Did you always have a goiter?

No, I only got one very recently after the magic hat was thrown on my head and I was turned into a 40 year old. Yeah, that was seconds ago. Oh boy. And I can only have like two beers down, I've got a hangover and I'm interested in 60 minutes. Why didn't he just call it an hour? I've saved something very special just for you, something that someone only this age would understand and enjoy. For you, Dartholomew, piano man. Wow. I'm that real estate novelist.

This is great. This is really amazing. I can... maybe I've lost my kingdom and I've grown out of my carriage, but I can appreciate the soft rock of Billy Joel. I summon a carriage for this man and horses. Wow. Wow. And I give you the blessing of the Prince of Northeastia. Boy, it's really big of you after I was just such a fucking dick to everybody. That's really cool. That's really cool of you.

Hey, we've all been or had a weird dick. Yeah, he's cool to see you have some maturity, a man king. Man, man, I guess. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's not all bad. I guess I, you know, I can appreciate Billy Joel. I have this, uh, man's dick between my legs and you know. Doesn't work so great after a couple of drinks, but... Wait, what? Yeah, you know, I'm not 20 anymore.

I mean, I never got to be 20. God, you got your... But, you know, I guess I'm just looking forward to settling down to a nice, quiet life maybe maybe dating to divorce A who's got a couple of adult kids who will give me a lot of shit and you know if you guys are into it maybe we could go down to the pub and split some apps oh very into that yes indeed dark I know now you're 40 I'm you know I'm in my mid 40 so I have some experience you should know this is something you're 40. I'm in my mid 40, so I have some experience.

You should know, this is something you're gonna start experiencing a lot of. You know, and just sort of a lot of people are standing around for a while at some point, one of them's gonna be, it's gonna go, well, and that means that probably everyone should go home and go to bed. No, let's keep it going.

Let's grab a couple drinks, maybe do some trivia. There's a trivia night I hear. Um. Well. Well. Well. Okay, this is my fate. This is my fate.

Well. We try to tailor our content for all to enjoy, but a bunch of mid-40-something guys standing around saying, well, shat-conkel if you're out there, this one's for you. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolfi. Prince Tomblane Bellaroth was played by Steve Waltean. Stick around too long, you don't get the extended credit, Stephen, Vems the Brakes. Batholum, you the boy king, was played by special guest Jordan Morris.

Jordan is one of the hosts of the Jordan Jesse Go podcast, and the creator of the podcast Bubble. There's even a bubble graphic novel on the way. Pre-order now from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or a local indie bookshop not yet destroyed by those first two things. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Lussistols, especially provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. What if Daddy was pizza? What if he was indeed? What's your name? My name is Chunch. Okay, let's talk toppings. You like your daddy thin crust? You like your daddy thick? Ooh, I don't know, depends on what region we're in. Daddy green olives?

You know, I don't consider those deep-dish daddies to be pizza. It's more of a casserole, really. See, I'm- I'm'm 40 because so I like this discussion. Now that I'm 40 I love having this particular discussion over and over and fucking over again. Well... you