Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 85 - Flower in the City

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

A walk through the city of Northeastia leads to a run-in with Flower, who has recently moved there to follow her dreams.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFlower: Brooke BreitMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, you've tried other podcasts. You figured out the pattern for every improv for human scene. You came to terms with the idea that the host of comedy bang bang would never actually talk to you at a party. You even wandered into the erotic forbidden pleasures of how I built this with gyro's. And now you find yourself at our doorstep and let me tell you, you did all of that in the wrong order. But now you're ours.

And as they say on how I built this with gyro's, the ability to relinquish control is the willingness to embrace the body's insatiable appetite for danger. Also I started LLBean in my neighbor's toolshed. So keep listening, I dare you. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavarn, a podcast where we go on an amazing quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Hello from the Magic Tavarn, a new podcast. Today's the first episode. Everything you think you knew is out the window, baby.

That's right. Yes, Chuck, I didn't even think about this before, but what if we really changed up the format? And we played characters. Ooh, that'd be kind of fun. Our, yeah, okay, so let's give each other characters. So I want you to be like a teenage So you're like a so you're like a teenage bird

And like you yeah, you're like kind of a you're a bit of a bad boy a bad boy. Yeah, and And you oh wait, but no half of you have a half of you as a teenager and the other half is super old half So super old okay I'm super old, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you, Judge, should play a gambler down on your luck. You've seen too many winters, but you're not giving up yet. You think the big win is still out there. And your head is three times larger than your body.

Oh, peanuts. I lost all my money. Let me try and make it back. Ooh, well, oh, a game of crabs. I think I could win back the house. Here comes Daddy. Hey, I'm Teen Elderbird. I'm doing my voice. How do you like my voice?

And how do the old half? Old, old, half. Yeah, and I forgot to mention the habs are at odds with each other. How do you like my voice and now do the old half old? Yeah, I forgot to mention the haves are at odds with each other so the old half is constantly yelling at the young half just a nice simple character Get off the other half of my body. I am getting off. Oh yikes. I forgot both halves are starlings. What? Why would you do that to me? Sometimes you have to play what you hate That's very true. Oh hey, hey guys. Ah shit.

Oh, speaking of. Oh, sorry. Oh, are we doing, are you doing format changes? Yes, we were thought we'd try to play characters. And we came up with some very grounded characters that we thought would be very relatable. Why is it every time I'm late, you guys just start doing characters? Do you two ever have like a real conversation with each other?

No. Terrifying. What are your conversations like when I'm not here? Arnie, I don't know how to say this, but in Fune, you talk with your eyes. When I see you, I can sum up everything I need to know. Yep, got it, right? Then in a minute you open your mouth, that's for funnies. That's for funnies and goofs and gags. Exactly. I sit down across from Chant, and I look around and you're not there, and I think, hmm, what else could he be? The worst thing you can do in food is to open your mouth and say, how are you? What a useless question.

Nobody cares. I don't want to know anything about you. I don't want to know your history. I just want to do goofs and gags and bits. Yeah, what else you got? Yeah, do some more Goose and Gags and Bits. All right, fine. Arnie, your character is,

well, you're kind of lost. Yeah, you're kind of a fish out of water and you don't really know much about the world you find yourself in. Oh, so like, we've got to get back to the island. Yeah, you're a fish out of water, but the twist is you're a bear. You're a bear with a fish in its mouth and you're a bear in water.

Did I do that? Okay. I feel like I feel like the premise does all the work. What am I gonna add? You're an underwater bear. Here's the thing. I'm not that good at improv. Oh, sweetie. We know. Oh Well, I'm glad you ran into us here. It's a beautiful day here at Northeastia. It is beautiful, open-air street fare. Ah, with those who have things to sell. Come to sell their wares, all of these mocketeers.

Here's the show-us, what they have. Oh, these fine silks. And oh, look at this beautiful Cart full of vegetables and fruits. Oh These looks cost seven coins and these fruits cost two coins. Yes Look over at the salt tent. Oh. We got a salt for smellier.

We got a salt for eating. We got a salt for whatever you want to fucking do with it. I don't care, buy your salt here. Take them home. Live you got a deal of life. I don't know. All Holt's first smelling? I- that voice is really familiar. Guys, this is like when you're at the mall

and you see someone you know and you're like, have they seen me yet? Maybe I can get away. I can fucking see you. Goddamn. I see all of you. Flower! Flower! What is that?

This is perfect. I've been wanting to branch out into watching salts. Hmm? Watching salts? Do you have any watching salts? Yeah, you can look at them right there. Take a look. Ah, here I go. Did they do anything? I don't know yet.

It doesn't matter. You're watching them. I'm watching them. A watch salt never does something. And I'm so sorry. We haven't had a chance to meet. I've heard so many tales of you. My name is Chance LaClaire. I'm a down on his luck gambler. From town to town, grifting his way to a future fortune.

Who is this fucking Tennessee Williams asshole? Where's he, are you down in your luck? Do you go rip your shirt off and scream in a woman? Maybe. Luna! Luna! What if daddy was pizza? Yeah, that's a ticket, aren't you? You're a bear underwater. Now say the same thing, but gargle like you're underwater. No, I'm sorry, I went too sexy with it. He's supposed to be a water bear or something. He's supposed to be a water bear or something. Flower, do you have like a classic water bear character? Yeah, you know the water, like a tardigrade?

You know like a water bear? It's like a microscopic organism called a water bear. And if I were to do a character based on a water bear, it would be like, I'm going to have to go back. to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able merchant. Well I mean just just my day job I sort of made my way here selling salts because it was mostly where I could find a long way. People don't know here don't tell anyone. These are dirty road salts. These are dirty dirty road salts that I found in the side of the road and then I farted on them and so they smell

worse. No I'm a flower. I farted on it! So I smell lovely and good, but there's dirty road salts that I'm selling to people to eat! Well, Ania, I don't know if you know, but flowers and other plants actually fart the air that you breathe. I've got to say, every time I run into you flower, I learn something new and surprising about you. That'll just pube's farts, and smells. Yeah. Well, now that I know what I know about these salts, I think they're perfect for watching. How much do they cost? $2,000.

Ooh, that's high. And the wrong currency. Yeah, how does that translate to coins? The official currency of Northeastia? Sure, sure, sure. Listen, we have a good exchange rate I just wasn't sure where you'd be coming from if you were coming from the southeast you might be using dollars D-O-L-L-A-H-Z apostrophe

Dollar sign so if you use a dollar She's talking about dollar dollar bills y'all Yes, if you're using those then like you know I can exchange it for coins. It is about five and a half coins to a dollar. Oh, these salts are very expensive then. Yep. Hell isn't, I'm just trying to fund my dream okay. I am just a flower coming to the big city with a dream in her heart.

Looking to make it on Broadway. Oh I don't. Wow, I want to know where her heart. Oh, I don't. Wow, I want to know where her heart is. Maybe I don't. I see on the sign here, you actually have a, what you call the dollar sign. It looks like a snake on stilts. Yep.

Wow. Stilts, stilts, snake. Stilts, stilts, snake. Oh, and, oh, rumble, stilts, snake. That's when you crumble it up. Then it's a rumpel stilt snake. Flower just shared a dream with us, a dream to make it on Broadway, the broadest street in all of Northeastia. It's the widest street.

It feels like a good place to settle down because there's a lot of room, and I don't want to be near people. It's like if someone gets close to me, it stresses me out. You want to live in a giant street? Mm-hmm. It's called the great wide way, right? Yep. Super big. I have to ask I love that you have these dreams and aspirations but I am a little concerned and this oh boy how to put this. This might be rumor and hearsay but I've always heard that if you put salt in soil, nothing can ever grow again. Did you get any salt in your soil? Yeah, Joe's on you. I've been dead inside four years. I am just your salt-corson through

my veins. I had to carry this shit. Do you know like I'm like rolling along the road, picking up dirty road salt Shove it into my nether regions just continuing to roll down the road until I made it here because I wanted to be here that much Okay, this is important to me. I don't know what I don't even know what's gonna happen when I get to Broadway It couldn't be not what I expect at all. It could be just a thing I build up in my head to be so amazing and an intangible dream. But yeah, no, I am rancid with dead debris inside of my stock days.

I mean, like my pedals are falling off. I am not good. Yeah, now that you mention it, you look pretty bad. Yep. How can I understand so little about how a flower works? Well, you did throw her off a cliff many years ago, so that might have been the beginning of the end. That was a good moment for me when I was down there at the bottom of the ravine.

I've told this story before. I had to take a look at myself, will myself back to life. I don't know what part of me is still down there. I don't know what part of me is still down there. I don't know what part of me is in front of you today is the flower that you know and love. We've been down the road and back again. I'm tired of explaining myself to you. Oh no. Is it possible you're like a Alan Moore swamp thing? Scenario where the real flower is dead and you're just some other plant that's that thinks you're flower. That would be hilarious. Yeah let's go

with that. I thought so. No I didn't. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no you said I didn't see that but no I think think they're like, I just want to be the most authentic version of myself as I can. And I think I can do that on a bigger street. I think it's a wonderful opportunity for you to really pardon the pardon, branch out, and see what you're really capable of. If you lived on the biggest street in all of Northeastia, why imagine the people that would stop by and say all I want to do is stop and smell the flower

Yeah, and it's also wildly impressive that you know You've only been here for a little bit and you're already succeeding at business without even trying you So it looks like you've sold some of your salts? Oh yeah, I sold a bunch of my salts. I keep getting new salts. Well, okay, to be honest, I don't accept any refunds, but people can give the salts back if they're not satisfied. Most people are not satisfied.

So I just not only are these dirty, road salts, they're so dirty. They're so, I got some of them from underneath the dead body. They're so dirty. They're so I got some of them from underneath the dead body They're so dirty, but then I just I also take them back Don't give them money back, but then I fart on them again. So again. It's kind of the same salt being put into the it's a stimulus Salt flower flower This this really put back into the economy. You're making this sound like a little shopper pourers to be perfectly honest Oh look at totally clips of the economy. You're making this sound like a little shop of horrors to be perfectly honest. Oh look, a totally eclipse of the sun!

Oh, it's a past. Flower, I have to ask. Just because we're in a big city and I don't want to get in trouble, was that dead body dead when you found it? Or... That body was almost dead. That body looked at me. That body looked at me with one of its eyes open.

And I heard from underneath its mouth, this mouth was pressed on the ground. From underneath its mouth? Yeah, it was pressed on the ground. So it was reverberating in the road. It was a real reverbed situation. And I kind of rolled over there and I was like, you're a camman?

And this guy says I was like and you Now I didn't have time to think about whether he was asking me to roll him over You might have been saying I'm sleeping over. You might have been saying I'm sleeping. That's true. Honestly, I didn't end him. I just left him there. So whatever happened happened after I left. Okay. Why are you winking? Why are you winking? So, no, no, no, whatever happened was not because of me. There's no evidence. Well, you're holding a knife behind your back but you're holding it horizontally not vertically. So it's sticking out either side. It's pointing to

the other knife. Whoa oh shit I didn't see that one. And that one's pointing to us. Okay we get we get you play. We'll back off. We're not gonna tell anyone. Have you met this one? His name is Mack. Mack the knife. Yep. Oh, all right. I'm sorry I'm already obsessed with another knife What talents are you gonna bring to Broadway? Well, I know that once you show up you gotta have a contemporary piece in a classical piece Okay, so you know, I'm prepared and just I prepared this to show up and just give them what I got. Oh, what's your classical piece?

my classical piece is from, um, is, is an old play called two gentlemen of Petunia. Oh, I love that one. Mm-hmm. I saw the cock ticklers do it in skirmones. Oh, did you? I did. It must be nice.

Well, I'd like to support the odds when I can. You know, I like to get out to the theater, and make sure that those who do tread the board are scared for those with real jobs. See, I don't like it so much because it's very expensive. And then I don't like it if somebody is looking back at me while they're saying words. Like, you know, that feeling, I got like watching something where it's like you're a little more passive,

but if it's real life and you can see the person sweating and breathing and then you're worried for them because you're like, did you forget something? Is this supposed to be happening? I'm just very concerned. Yeah, it seems like they're upset and they don't really want to be there. And you're like, why am I... Oh, wait a second, it's quite uncomfortable. Although I did love dogs. Yeah? Yeah, the show that they also did also with the cockroaches at that time is... People dressed up like dogs telling stories about dogs and dogs trying to get into hell.

Oh yeah, jammical dogs. Jammical dogs, that's it. Oh, I saw dogs with a used door and, whoa, it was amazing. It's based on a book of poems about dumb dogs. Ah, whoa. I can't wait to see it again. Did you hear that originally they were going to show

but holes and then they said, might be a bit much for the audience and so they just airbrushed them out. So they had paint all of those dogs for them? They got a real life amusement park T-shirt airbrusher to show up and just paint over all their assholes, just get them a little squirt, squirt, hit the stage, bud. Well, anyone familiar with this show

knows that I was furious about that decision. Yeah, I was upset too, because a lot of those dogs died. Arnie, I don't know if you know this, but dogs breathe through their butthole. Breathe through their butthole? Yeah, some flowers fart the air you breathe and dogs breathe in that air through their butthole and then you can't see the dog because it's invisible. Hmm, circle of life.

Circle of life. Arnie, why were you late? Well, I was walking around just taking in the sights of Northeast Asia. Likely story walking around. Alright, I was sitting on the ground looking up at the sights of Northeast Asia and suddenly I was like, oh shit, our horses. Because remember, like a couple of weeks ago, we had Flont and bunker Johnson and I was like,

wait a second, where the fuck did we leave our horses? One week we had him, and then the next week we were hitchhiking. Oh, I remember what happened, at least with one of them. Did I tell you guys or no? No. I was on bunker Johnson, right? And I was eating a little snack. I had like my little pack out, my little travel bag even.

And bunker Johnson looked at me and he's trying to get some of my food, I said no, no, no, this is chun food, not bunker Johnson food. So what I did was he smelled something sweet and I looked in my bag and I had an edible, right? It was, it was Arnie and Edibles like it's like, it's something you can eat. Yeah, it's something you can eat.

Okay. Do you, do you follow? I'm not sure, it's something you can eat. Okay. Do you follow? I'm not sure, I think so. So then I gave the edible to bunker Johnson and he started to like, the effects of the edible started to take hold and I thought like, what am I doing? I need to get off my high horse.

Ah. Now that guy that I left in the middle of the road, I'm not saying this happened, but I am saying that when I look back for a second there were two horses eating his body The mind is so bunker my cheese. I'm so glad the horses are okay I'm just saying we gotta keep better track of our horses. We keep losing horses. Yes. Fine fine fine We lost the horses, but more importantly where is Tom Blaine? Onnienie I thought you were with Tom Blaine. Oh I think he was kidnapped. What? Some people grabbed him put a bag over his head put him in a carriage

and they rode off and he was screaming a lot. You sure that was in a bag crown? Oh they could have been a bag crown. And maybe it was just too big and it kind of fell over his ears onto his neck. I also didn't want to intervene because I didn't know if it was like a live theater piece he was doing. Like there's a non-zero chance that all those people were him. Yes, that's a very that's a very good point. He could have been playing all of them. He's such an amazing performance. He could have been our horses! Wait a second, are we Tom Blaine? How do we know? See this is the kind of shit that I hate, and I also love.

You know, when it makes one a piece of art, it makes you think like that, and you're like really looking deep inside yourself, and you're like, I don't really think about deep stuff, and now I'm here. Yeah, I kind of love that shit. I just wanted to mention I do have bath salts. Oh, where did you get them now? Oh, they're dirty roads on.

Yeah, I think all the salts from the same place. So, Tumblay may have been kidnapped. He may have kidnapped himself. He may have been wearing a crown that was just a bag. Hmm. I mean, he's royalty. It'll be fine. It'll be fine, right? But are we supposed to be helping him? Isn't that part of what we're supposed to be doing?

I think we're supposed to be protecting me. Oh, right. But also helping him become king. But it just seems like it's not gonna be a like, solve it this week kind of thing. Sure, sure. Oh, flour, I have news for you. You ready for some hot, a goss?

Oh, you know I love hot guys. Hold on, hold on. Okay, you ready? Shake off my roots a little bit. Oh, and you know what I have here? In the miniature bar inside of my hat that I can make anything full size out of? I couldn't possibly guess.

A glass of wine. And, and ails for my friends, ails for my friends. Oh, yum yum yum. Well, I'm just gonna stick my whole face in it. Oh, I'm just gonna stick my second. Flower. You'll never believe this. O'Neal might be the most important person in all of food. I might be the most important person in all of it. What makes you think that?

Oh, they were here. There is an artifact that's been hitting his brain for over 30 years that the Dark Lord desperately wants to have. You might want to get that checked out. Oh yeah. You have an artifact in your brain? I have an artifact in my brain, who knew? And also, obviously we told you, but don't just like freely tell people

because I guess we don't want the Dark Lord to know that it's in my brain because that would probably be bad. Well, I have told a few Ravens. Oh. When we wrote on the road, I told a few Ravens that Arnie, you did have an ear infection, but I thought that would be good to kind of throw off the scent.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's so Raven. So we were supposed to keep you this secret? I guess so. Oh, okay, well, that's news to me. But we can still tell people if we think it'll make me seem more interesting. Oh. Yeah, well, yeah.

I mean, I do want to honor, you know, if you want us to keep it like a secret, it's just hard because some secrets are built to spill. But from this point on, we will be perfect. We'll keep your secret. Can I put it in my lifestyle blog? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Ani, can she put it in my lifestyle blog? Oh yeah. Yeah, Ani, can she put it in her lifestyle blog?

Yeah, can I put it in my lifestyle blog? So the readership does your lifestyle blog have? Woo! It's mostly regional. Like it's the people that pass by and I force them to read it. Because I write it on a scroll. It seems pretty small region. Yeah, it's like people who come by.

I don't know who they tell. And a blog is a, it's gossip written on a scroll tucked inside of a big log, is that right? Yeah, it stands for bitch loves a gossip. It's my blog, bitch lives a gossip. Can I be honest, opinion, I wouldn't shorten that. I'd always go with a full title. Somebody lied to me, said it was in a big log.

So BLOG stands for Bitch Loves a Gossip. Yeah, oh, a positive. Bitch Loves a Gossip. It's Irish. So it's not a black? Bitch Loves a Gossip. All right, one more time. BITCH LOVE A GASSO!

Got it. And we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more. BWAH! BITCH LOVE A GASSO! So, Flower, is this your first time in Northeast? Yeah, I guess I don't know how much you've traveled around in general. Have you ever been to a big city before?

Oh, nice city. This big, uh, bend, like adjacent cities, you know, I kind of bend, like, you know, like when you go somewhere, you're like, I love going to that big city, but you really just bend, like the area around it. Like it just kind of depends that way. So yeah, this is my first time in a real big city. I gotta be honest, I'm loving it. I feel like the attitude, the like disregard for everybody. Like it really feeds me.

It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I belong. Ooh, yeah, I gotta say like walking on the, I guess they call them sidewalks here. I've been run over several times. People shove me, say get the fuck out of the way. Stop, stop holding up the traffic, stop looking up at all the buildings.

It's kind of, it's a certain type of person in people and it's kind of exciting. Yeah, I mean, I've been to all over Foon, and I am no stranger to Northeastia, but there is an energy here that is difficult to explain, and it is, it is like, no other place in all of Foon. It can be sort of frightening and sort of intimidating, but it's also invigorating. It makes you feel alive.

Yeah, in sandwiches, back in Hogsface, you know cost a wink and a smile and here they're 48 coin Do you have a bunch of a bunch of carriage? Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I've punched a carriage Sometimes they get real pushing you're like hey, I'm walking here. Oh, this is where I am currently walking You must stop with your carriage. But here is what I choose to perambulate. I think it's very kind of you. And I think it's just interesting to me that you say punch a carriage versus knock out a horse

because tomato, tomato, you knock out a horse. But I think, you know, it's elegant. It's more, it's more north east yet to say punch the carriage versus going back home to say you knocked out a horse. I mean, whenever you want to call it, punch the carriage, kick the cab. Ooh, do you guys see the midnight cowboy here? Oh, I haven't yet.

I haven't got that light. Yeah, if you stay up right around, right around 1159. You start to hear a yodel, a little song, a little hum, a little ditty and there's a little midnight camera that strolls out to the street very exciting it is exciting they're all sorts of magical things that can happen I people fall in love and people fight right in the middle of the street I personally keep hoping that I'll end up in that cash carriage oh I got on cash

carriage it was amazing. Thank you. Oh my, details. Oh yeah. So okay, so I was like, I usually like to roll. I don't really like to take like a cab, but just like to punch them. But then that carriage came up and I was like, there's something about this carriage.

There's like some rigging in the sides. I feel like it's got special lighting. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna get in this carriage and feel a little bit lucky. I got a couple dollars. I got a couple coins and ready to go. So I opened it up and got inside bright lights. I have a full-on seizure.

Okay, I'm sorry. I have to stop. I'm sorry, I have to stop you. This is a very exciting story. I can't believe that it just happens spontaneously. Yeah. You were pre-selected, someone talked to you. There was an interview. I talked to nobody. Come on. No pre-selected, someone talked to you, there was an interview.

I talked to nobody. Come on. No pre-interview. Come on. This was pure fate coming to me. There must be the amount of insane people in this city. You're telling me anybody can pop into that carriage and study there on cash carriage? I'm working on it.

I'm working on it. You're not concerned that I had a full seizure upon entering the carriage. That that we're gonna talk about the logistics of how I signed up for the carriage I thought you'd make you grabbed all the golden coin. No, no, no, no, it's a full seizure No, wasn't that kind it was like a fool like I passed out shook my shook my stems then I came to and I won I apparently answered all the questions correctly while I was seizing. Wow, you must have been in the flower state. I was in the flower state. That's when you're just shaking violently and answering trivia.

How did you do on the trivia though? I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I said you won. I did. I won, apparently. Okay, oh, everyone. Sorry. Don't forget, Arnie has an ear inflection. Also, I don't know all the rules of cash carriage. I don't know if you, like, you win by being wrong.

I don't know. You win by being wrong. Do you win by being correct and by being a fucking badass and by taking fate by the balls? Yeah, I gotta say, I love this city. Ever since we started recording here in North East, it's almost like North East is its own character.

And I know I probably sound pretentious saying that, but doesn't it feel like it? You're just being a total Samantha. You know Samantha? Oh yes, Samantha of the Nine Muses. I know who will. I think I'm more of a Charlotte of five swords. I'm a Felicity.

By the way, I love what you've done with your hair. Thank you, I cut it, I was a little, I was afraid. I was like, is it still gonna be me if I cut this hair in a real moment? I don't wanna wait for this hair to get longer. I'm on a cutting now, you will see. Wow, is that for? I cut it now, you will see. Wow, is that for...

Is that a song saved up for your audition for the Broadway hit, Bangs? Yep, that's one of my pieces. So I got my contemporary piece, I got my classical piece, I got my 16 bars. So that's the song? No, the 16 bars is, I'm gonna visit 16 bars before I pull out this

Yeah, I get a drink at each bar. I get a whiskey drink. I get a live drink. Yeah, if I could drink and I think songs about the good times You could also sing songs about the bad times Songs that remind you of the olden times you know speaking of a bunch of bars. Here's one thing I It's cool that you guys feel so at home here in Northeastern. I feel, I still feel a little bit intimidated. Like I still understand all the rules. Like every time I go into a bar,

I keep discovering that it's a brothel. Are you going into bars or barfels? Because a barfel is a half bar, half brothel. Oh, I didn't know that. I think I just keep like, maybe I'm not reading the signs correctly, and I'm just not going in the right places. Okay, we'll tell us some of the signs you read. Let's see, fuckos.

Okay, that's on you. I just thought that was just like a fun like, look, we're fun. It's like a Dix last resort. I also went to a place called Dix last resort. Dix last resort, that's disgusting. I know, I know. Do you have a good to a chicken brothel? It's delicious. When you're sick.

I think when you're sick, that's a brothel you want to go to. Yeah, when you're sick, you want to chicken. It warms the soul. I prefer beef stock if you know what I mean. You would. So you went to fuckos. Dix last resort. Again, on you. Then I went to a place called not a brothel wink. I didn't read the wink part

Okay, well, I mean I'm maybe that maybe you just missed the wink that's fair Then I went to a place called wink. How's that? That was all right? You know I had I had two drinks at wink and then I went to a bar call Oh, did you go to Houffers Houffers Houffers is great it's got those those bipedal horses with those big old tits Houffers there have been a houffers now but also the wings are good it's funny that's a lie I've been to Houffers I'm gonna say you right now they're fine just normal

there's no the wings right they're fine. They're just normal. They're just all the wings. They're fried. They're fine. Whatever. Maybe I just want them to be good. It's odd to me that it's called hoofers and they don't have big hooves. They have big tits. Hold on. Usually go to the bar titters. Hold on. Well, we need to hear about that in a minute. But hold on, use the door. Uh-huh. They do have big hooves, and as we all know, hooves are horses' tits. You know how that would say horses are always running on their tits?

You know the expression run on your tits? Yeah, run on your tits. I know. I'm friends with Grimhoof. Come on. That's right. So it is their hooves that are big. So anyway, titters. Is that where they all just laugh at you when you walk in? No, but they got the huge assholes. Duh.

You were expecting something better than that from titters? No, I wasn't. You know I want to go and we haven't had a chance to since I've been to the big city. Huh. Cheesecake Factory. Well, you can't eat as a factory, right? No, no, but I just want to see how the cheesecake is made. Olli, have you ever been to the cheesecake factory here in Northeastern?

No, like what, like if I went to the cheesecake factory, what could I order? Oh, you can't order anything. It's just where they make the cheesecake, but it is incredibly sad because they have so many cows in there. And they're all making milk for the cheesecake. And then they turn that milk into the cream cheese that becomes the cheesecake. Is that how you make cream cheese?

I don't know. We gotta go to the factory. That's why we have to go to the factory. We gotta go to the factory. Listen, this is something I've heard too, is that like it's weirdly ornate. It's very, it's a dichotomy. Of like, sad cows hooked up, being milked,

with all the cream cheese being made, and then just gold buttresses. Yes. And balconies and lights, and it's just very, very ornate. That reminds me, I went to the bar buttresses and a lot dicks Not like a dick slash resort not like dicks last month all but Onnie well why won't you take us to the cheesecake factory please please?

Why have you taken you to the cheesecake factory? Because I've always wanted to go and it's the one place and all the food I've never been. I wanted to get permissioned first. Yeah, Arnie, please take me, flowering daddy magic to the cheesecake factory. Please Arnie! Please! Daddy magic's asking nicely. Fuck, we're spending some time in the big city. We don't all have to stick together the whole time. We don't have to do everything together. Like you want a little cheesecake factory, go to the cheesecake factory, and I'll spend my day accidentally going into brothels.

No, listen, you say we're not gonna stick together. I will be here. I'm gonna stay by your side. I guarantee it. Every day from here on out, I'm gonna be there. Oh, yeah, you say that. I said that to Tom Blaine and then I let him get kidnapped. Wait, you let him get kidnapped? I thought you saw him and you weren't sure.

Well, I mean, I... It wasn't like I approved of it. Wait, hold on. While he was getting kidnapped, did you give a thumbs up? I did, but it was unrelated. Did you wink? Did you wink? I got wink? Did you wink? I got intimidated. You have to at least shake your fist.

Oh, how dare you. I just deal with my friend. I tried to shake my fist, but then I realized that I accidentally had my thumb out during it. So I looked like I was very aggressively approving of what they were doing. It's very confusing if you start shaking two fists. You're also just like, what a good pasta.

No, I'm here for cheesecake factory again. Coincidentally, I was eating pasta while this was happening. Okay, that's that's understandable. Oh, you like pasta, do you? And you let our friend get kidnapped? Daddy Magic. Make it so that he has a never ending bowl of pasta pasta. Oh, here thou shall prepare thine sooth now. To be receiving a more pasta than one could air possibly consume. Alas, a cool, a char la, cool, a chain, a ha ha, a char la, air be your claw. Pasta for sure.

Oh, awesome. Fresh palm. Yeah, you need fresh palm. Well, where did you get this palm flower? He's from the street is doing street palm. Yeah, don't you? He's doing street palm. How do you find palm on the street? I think it was from the cows The cows will escape the cheesecake factory. I feel like all the palm I've seen is come from chickens. Just a nice chicken palm

Already ever have a nice chicken palm Not here Are you ever a nice chicken parm? Not here, like what's a nice chicken parm like in food? You know when you pet a chicken and there's all this white stuff that flakes off? You know, when you pet a chicken. You know, you ever pet a chicken? Come on, if you pet a chicken and all that white flakes come off, it's like a cloud of white flakes,

that's the parm. Oh, okay. You know, just like a horse running on stits flower kiosk are you gonna live here now are you a northeast you I don't know it depends on if I make it to that big street I mean I'm starting here I'm selling my salts and then if I make it there I think I can make it anywhere. So I'm gonna try. But I'll be honest, I'll probably give it a week. Then I might just go back home, but like a week feels solid, right? That feels like, does it still feel good?

And then like you can kind of make a judgment call from there. If you can't accomplish everything in a week, it's just never gonna happen, right? It's only so much time in a week. A broad way could be unforgiving. I'd say if you don't make it within a week, try again the same time next year. Mm-hmm.

Plus you've got all this money here. You can convert it into any currency. You've got coins, you've got dollars, you've got Hamilton's. You've got everything here. Everything you would want on Broadway. I'm not throwing away my pot. Oh no, don't. That'd be awful. Yeah, everything you would want on Broadway. I'm not throwing away my pot.

No, don't. That'd be awful. You'd lose all your soil. That's true. That's true, it doesn't matter, it's all dead inside. I think flower, that you have to commit yourself for at least a year. A week may not be long enough to make it.

And then perhaps we could come back and see you if we know where you are. We often run into you luckily. But, don't you want to put down roots? Kind of. Yeah. You know what? Maybe I will give it a little bit more time. Maybe I'll just see where we're at. I want for him for the other. I mean, I don't have feet, but like I could put, I could put myself in front of myself. Take your shot. Take your roots, burrow down into the ground and see how you like it. And what I would say is, if after you've tried that five times, five different burrows, if you still don't like this city, then maybe

it's not for you. Yeah, burrowed five times, five different burrows, if you still don't like this city, then maybe it's not for you. Yeah, more burrowed, five times. Yeah. And if nothing else, you have a great story. To tell your friends, now I went pasta. Arnie, can I have some of that pasta? Yeah, it's never ending. Like there's no downside to this.

Damn, I thought it'd be like one of those things you wish for, but then you get it, you don't really it because it's it's more than you wanted I thought we were gonna teach him some sort of lesson here. I mean, I'm probably gonna eat myself to death But I'm not gonna like regret any part of what does that have to do with the bowl of pasta Is that happening and I find you on the side of the road and you face down and you're muttering to me So I should just be dead quiet It sucks to never ending full of pasta. If you just pace yourself,

it's actually a huge gift. What a fucking gift? We're trying to teach this guy a lesson. And he taught us one. Oh no, now we're getting deep again. Is this the, that we're starting to look inside our fucking cells and say, oh, I'm here to help Tom Blaine. But really, we're just helping ourselves in the process.

It's not about what we did in the years to friends we made along the way. Whoa, yeah, I don't think I can really think that deeply about any of this. What characters do you guys wanna play instead? So much better to lose mind-self in a character. Yeah, we all have various amazing. Yeah, what are your special skills, Daddy Magic?

Uh, well, I'm very good at balancing things. Ooh. Hey, I get, give me some of those plates. Do me, do me. And that part of flour, here. Okay. Watch, watch I'm balancing them. Oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna start spinning the plates now. I'm up here. I'm gonna start spinning the plates now

Hang on it'll be all right. It'll be all right. Oh No, they're just like spiraling out of the circle. Oh, no Okay, all right, I hear yeah, I'll put you down put you down. Yeah, I forgot I had wine I'm so much puke fit into such a small flower. It's a gift that keeps on giving. Is there anything else you'd like to see Chant, if not, here's my resume and my picture, and my number is on the resume. It's seven. Oh, very nice. Well, don't say your number. We'll say your number. Okay, yeah, of course, of course.

Ha, ha, ha. Well, it was a pleasure to audition for you. Yeah, it was a pleasure to have you. God, I hope you get it. Me too. Me too. Wait, you got it. What?

Wait, say that again. Wah! I don't think I could have tried. You would be perfect as Mr. Balowski, the devil dog in dogs. You're my dogs! I got dogs. Oh, what a wonderful day. This is for me.

Oh, he has that great solo past thoughts. You're the dog now, man. Past thoughts in the middle of the night. Oh, past thoughts. Oh, damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog.

Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Damn it, my dog. Oh, dear Michael, give another word for pastful. I wish I could read that. Oh, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, dear Michael, Based on that alone, Broadway just elected to stay dark for one more year. Sorry, cast of Dear Evan Hansen, don't give up those jobs delivering for noodles and

company just yet. You've been listening to, oh, you know what just yet. You've been listening to, oh you know what just happened. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. John to the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refyre. Flower, the talking flower was played by Special guest Brooke Bright. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young in Adolf Refyre. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Shultz. Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If you placed your pan of lasagna in a preheated oven at the beginning of this show, right now it should be done. Did you think I was going to say it was burned? No, but it does have the consistency of waterlocked paperbacks floating in ketchup tears. Now it's burned. We're love!