Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 86 - Eunuch's Comeback

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

Benedict Whisperbrew, the former Court Gossip to Queen Titannia, is back in Northeastia and is almost certainly up to something.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBenedict Whisperbrew: Brendan DowlingMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth! Oh, and that little metal thing you shot off to the red planet down the street, you would not believe the messages that thing keeps sending me. Hey, did you see the rock I found today? Could you just emoji back so I know you got this? Guess how hot it is here. Go on, guess. You know what takes perseverance? Your friendship.

As soon as I figure out how Gmail filters work, your days are numbered my friend. Anyway, to all of you, the following podcast is not real. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Hey, you can even think about it as your own little acting workshop. You pretend to be entertained, and I'll pretend to believe you. And that'll be the basis for our friendship until two other people in the workshop hook up, and then we can spend long hours in the coffee shop ripping them to shreds while fighting back the loneliness.

So let's get started! Sit back and enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arne and you camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, buddy. Yeah. Oh, this is so, this is so weird. I'm sorry to stop you. I just noticed since we've been in the big city, yeah. I feel like our intro is just not enough. Like, I feel like the people here, the way that you go into a bar or a restaurant is there's

a sense of urgency, right? People almost put the fear of goddesses into you, right? Of like, I have to go in here or else I'm in trouble or something, right? Is there a way to do the intro where it's like, people almost scared not to listen? Oh. All right, so you want me to kind of like give it a little bit more of a fantasy big city feel? Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying. All right

It's not even you don't have to change the words just change your tone. Okay. All right. Yeah, okay. Oh Thank you for tone policing me, but no like it's for it's for the good All right unique Northeastia unique Northeastia. All right. All right Hello from a magic tab for Weekly podcast from Northeast Asia. Yeah, you know what the fucking greatest city at all of food. What do you need to know?

Listen up, buddy. You're gonna love it. About, you know, six years ago, in a month, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical, and a fume. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal. From the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I use it to upload this podcast chronically,

our quest, not only to defeat the Dark Lord, but to protect Prince Tom Blaine Bellaroth as he tries to become King. And don't forget, when you're here your family. Yes. Arnie that began and ended like a dream. The middle part needed work but you bookended it perfect. I never referred it to my old sort of Midwestern vibe. And we noticed but we don't care because people listen at the top they tune out and then sense the end, and they check back in. So buddy, you nailed it. Perfect, I heard the first and last word,

and I love it. There you go, there you go. But you said, where are we going again? You said that we were gonna get some help to find Prince Tom Blank. Yes, oh yes, I've been speaking to all my little bird spies. All over the town and city of northeast Yanasarounding suburbs. And I have learned that the Benedict Whisperroux, as a home not too far from here, and he may

have contacts in the court still, who can lead us to the one who may have kidnapped Tom Blaine Bell Roth. Ha ha ha ha! Pazam! Did you say Hazam? I said Pazam? Pazam. Ooh, is that like a cross between Pazaz and Shazam?

That's right. Mmm. So now I'm a big boy. Is that like a magical pizzone? A little bit, yeah. Would you like a magical pizzone? Yes. All right, all right, all right, cut off, and a twelfth.

Oh. Oh, how here, let me set down this homeless bowl of pasta for my... Why do I keep making food for him? I don't know, never stop. He has endless pasta, now you're just giving him options. Which, uh, endless pasta abilities, am I right? Chant, awning. Uh, quickly follow me, uh me down this gilded road,

and we shall soon be at the home of Benedict Whisper Brew. Oh, this gilding on this road is so fancy. Yes, quickly, right ahead. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. All right, there's so much ornate filigree. Look at this. Mm-hmm. Wow.

I think that's the best of a cab diary both of you have ever had. Ooh, I wasn't sure if I was using that word right, but I was quite honest. Maybe I just used a different form of gilding that you said already. Yeah, but I still was impressed. Yeah, I gilded it. I'm gonna look at this leather pearl inlay. Wow. So much detail. We shouldn't just race past this. This is beautiful.

Yeah. You're right. Yes, every aspect of the road. Yes, oh, I just emerged from one of my Sylvan catacombs that are secreted through this passageway. Yes, chant, every little piece of inlay has a story to tell. When I first moved here many moons ago, it was just a dull dirt path. And then I said to myself, Benedict, what this road needs is some gilding. And ever since then, I've made it a mosaic of beautiful avenue art. Wow. And it's all edible?

Yes, everything is made of marzipan or some kind of molasses-based product. What about this portco? Yes, that's a 100% gingerbread cookie. Yes, the plumbing system itself is made out of gingerbread, an onate system of aqueducts that will eliminate your human waste into a safe, compostable pile. And what about this parapet? Oh, the parapet? That's mosa-pet, non-olds.

Follow up question, what's a parapet? Because I still haven't got an answer for that. You're telling me that dog or marzipan? Yes. The cat is mosa-pet. The dog is a molasses-based product. Wow, what a delicious parapet. Yes, that's the definition of a parapet.

Two-pets, comingly in perfect harmony. Benedict, this beautiful street leading up to your home is quite impressive and very edible. Which means it's a thing you can eat. But I have to know, I've come searching for answers from you. Do you still have some contacts within the court? Are you yourself? Back in the court. Oh, we must catch up with you and I have so many questions Yes, and to piggyback on that can I bend over and look inside your oven? Oh, yes, who is chant? Let me open the glide open my my oven and you can peer inside. Oh, look at the flickering flames deep within.

And almost illuminate your deepest desire. John, John, don't stop crawling into that oven. You're getting so cozy. It's like a little mat space. No, John, he's gonna eat you. Do you next do that? I guess I don't. I don't know all the rules.

All of that I could hear you. Oh, sorry. I could, and for shame, for shame, to try to compare me with some child goblin elderly crowing in the woods, no, I do not eat people with my oven. I just make my delicious marzipan slash molasses-based products in it. But are there frequent items?

One time I eat a child. I'm sorry? Yeah. OK, that answers my question. Hey, let me out. I'm going to crawl out. I'm going to crawl. I'm sorry? Yeah. Yeah, okay, that answers my question. Hey, let me, I'm gonna crawl out. I'm gonna crawl out real quick. Everything, now we've actually stepped into your home is gorgeous.

Benedict, it is a pleasure to see you again and how you have erased your station in the world. What a lovely home. I'm back, you Siddor. Oh, yes, Dennis and Brittle Brains has finally brittleed his brains on the stone of tiling of the central courtyard. Oh, my.

Yes, and unfortunate. And unfortunate, accident to be fell, O Dennis Brittle Brains, my one-time nemesis and my former mentor. Are you saying that your nemesis that took your position when you fell out of favor in the Bellarov court came to some accidental death that just happened to coincide with his name?

Oh, no, you could have knocked me over with a blade of grass when I heard that horrible faith that befell poor Dennis. Just imagine it, one windswept midnight evening, poor Dennis rushing from the courtyard kitchen, piping hot flagging of steaming milk clutched in his arthritic fingers. He was eagerly anticipating the dairy deliciousness that awaited him when he went back to his feathered bed to read the latest installment of the Bellarothian Times when his elderly ankle made contact with a slick patch of molasses-based product that sent him skidding. Skidding, yes,

the skidding his heels making contact with the recently polished marble floors of the Bellaroth castle, as he was happily going towards the very steep incline of the stairs that each were furnished with marbles collected, and so he fell down each and every step his arthritic bones making horrible contact and contentination with exploding in a form of osteopathic ignomy and then he hit his head. Yes, his little egg shell-like skull made contact with the floor and he prittled his brains all over the floor. Brittle his brains. Wow, truly the details of someone who watched a whole thing from the shadows. Oh, it was, but a mere coincidence, John, that my midnight book club was meeting in the shadowy recesses of the castle, and I had to play unwilling witness to the whole bloody

affair. I know it's a minor detail, but do you mind Benedict telling us about like what are the advantages of having a midnight book club? Who do I mind, Arnold? about like what are the advantages of having a midnight book club? Who do I mind, Arnold? I would like nothing more. For the Earth.

How often are you in a book club? And you think, ah, the inconvenience. I'm whittling away. Pritious hours of my weekend. Uncommuting to an acquaintance or a friend's house so that we can talk about a book that we may or may not have read Every single damn week. Yes. Yeah, often. Yes. Yes. Yes, you know you understand the inconvenience But think of the luxury of saying I'm going to go to bed for two to two and a half hours Set my alarm and then go to this friend acquaintances place at midnight and then we'll be able to connect in a deeper

more meaningful way as we've just been roused from the slumbas so that we're making connections both literary and empathetically to the piece of literature we have just read. Wow, I never thought about it. Read Groggy not tired. That's the way to do it to talk about a book when you're When you're not necessarily tired, but you're groggy. You got some sleep, but not enough. That's brilliant. Exactly. OGNG. Read Groggy not tired and I feel like I best express my feelings about a book when I mean that sort of half-dream half-a-week state. That is oh Arnie, we got to start a midnight book club of half-dream half-a-week state. That is, oh, Arnie, we got to start a midnight book club. I know you had a morning book club or an afternoon book club when you're thinking, oh, how literal the connections everyone is making, how ban all the statements people are saying,

where they're just regurgitating things that they have read on a literary review, but yet at a midnight book club, all of the sudden the synapses are firing and everything becomes deliciously alive. All I want to know is the books that you read, do they have any spells in them? Yes, they have. May I join your book club? We have a book club on the podcast sometimes, but Arnie makes us read Earth Books, and Earth Books don't have any spells in them at all. Yeah, Arnie wants us to read books like Rich Dad Poor Dad.

Why would we read about the disparity of wealth? Oh Arnold, why would you force them into this harsh classist version of literature? I guess I have a wonderful book for you, Arnold. It's called The Web of Charlotte. Oh, yes. The Web of Charlotte is about an industrious little arachnid who tirelessly makes beautiful crocheted homes for the many wayward flies in her farm.

And one day, there's a little pig too small for the rest of the barnyard animals. And then Charlotte makes a helpful suggestion to the farmer that says put the pick to work and so the farmer does and the pig becomes a butler. Wow I mean I was gonna try to talk them into reading Nickel and Dime with me but maybe we should read that instead. Oh you want to read fickles in time? Oh well what's fickles in time? Sorry Ernie are you saying pickles and brine? I want to hear about

all these. Let's start with Benedict first and then I want to hear about your book. Fickles and Time is by this wonderful writer, Barbara Ellenblad, and she was upset about the class inequality of the spice industry. So she went undercover in the spice world and she picked time with all these other wage laborers who also picked time for a year. And then she wrote a book about it. And now everyone reads it and says, ah, yes, the class inequalities of time. And we think about it every time we put time

on a piece of chicken or some kind of vegetable were roasting. Oh, wow. It's also about how fickle the spice industry is because sometimes as you know a spice can be very popular. Like oregano or last season's delight which was garlic and now you wouldn't be going to be putting garlic on something. Is garlic a spice? I think it is. You might say it's not a spice. It's a bulb. Yes, I've heard tales of the spice? I think it is. You might say it's not a spice. It's a bulb. Yes, I've heard tales of the spice world that you speak of and they were very unkind to ginger. Oh yes, oh, oh cinnamon and nutmeg were conspired against ginger and yes, now she's, she's all by herself. They could be nicer. Oh, scary too. Yeah, and Pickles and Brian is just about two dumb sharks.

Oh, Yusur, do you have a book? Yeah, Sickles and Crime. It's where it's a murder mystery about a number of decapitations. It's quite gruesome and terrifying, but it turns out that you did it. Wait, I did it? Yeah, whoever read the book. It turns out the killer was you the whole time. Wow, Arnie, I never wrote a guess.

But I guess the clues were all there. Yeah. At the end of the book, do you get arrested? Oh, yes, Arnie. At the end of the book, you open it up. And the detective says, the killer was, and you turn the page. And it's a giant mirror facing you. And then you realize, yes, I am the one who killed that hapless

people in this book because I was the one who bought the book and therefore contributed to a capitalist existence where writers are murdering imaginary people I am at fault for shame on me. It is true when you read a murder book you're kind of complicit. Yeah, you read about everything going on and you don't tell anyone about it, do you? You're so engrossed in your turning pages so quick, you forget to tell the local constable. What you should, yeah, what you should do is

you get halfway through a murder book, you should call the police immediately. There's a child's version of the book too, called there's a criminal at the end of this book. And there's a delightful monster who just says, oh no, I'm scared of the criminal, I'm scared of the criminal, and then it turns out, yeah, the same thing you as you were the criminal. Oh wow. Since it's a children's book, the child reader committed the crime of being adorably

precausious. But he still tried as an adult. Just, well, he has to be. That's the tragedy. You know, I was thinking about reading Mickles and Wine. It's about Mads, Mickles and he decides to become an alcoholic, but maybe I'll just waitigglesson, and he decides to become an alcoholic, but maybe I'll just wait for the movie. He decides to become an alcoholic, and he's mad. I've never heard of someone so angry that they pluralized mad.

I know. Wow, that's some angry dude. I know, another round. Well, I'd have three rounds on that. edit, do you have any connections in the court still? For we three have been hired by none other than that one Tom Blame Bellarov, he that should be the one that does ascend that throne and take his rightful place. But he has been kidnapped, we fear.

Oh, kidnapped. Oh dear. I'm afraid I've been shockingly out of the loop for some time. As you know, I was traveling with Princess Tracier and we were co-writing a play together. I saw it. It was very good. It was very exciting. What was the part that you liked the most in Ustadore? say the opening of the second act. Uh, yeah. Yeah, and I would say overall, just overall, just like holistically, it was just like, it was very brave. And I just like, it was just really, very brave. Yeah, I just like, I mean, you really put pen to paper

and you could tell. Oh, John, John, you don't know how much that means to me. I really don't. You don't, the creative process was so fraught with Tickia. Tricia is a wonderful collaborator, but she's not a very good collaborator. If you know what I mean. Oh, I like that.

Wow. Could you use some of that? Could you use some of that in the play, to be honest? Yeah, I see that. Oh, shut. I fought tooth and nail with her throughout the entire thing. And I said, we need to have that second act opening where the grandmother goes through her book of secrets, page by page, and she tells every single secret she has

harbored the past 88 years of her life and Trayke has said, but we've never seen the grandmother before. And I say, yes, what better way to meet a person when they're at their most vulnerable, which is telling secrets about characters we have never seen or heard of before. Yes, that's why I liked it so much because I love when I've come back from intermission and I sit down in the chair and the play starts and I'm like, did I go back to the wrong play? You know theater is good when you're lost, right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, John. Yes, I love theater that has a disorienting state that leaves you discombobulated, that leaves you confused, afraid, and bitter about the fact that you bought a ticket in the first place. Perhaps even nauseous. Yes, and that's exactly why I thought it was so important to show the birthing of the fall in all its detail. Yes I remember that very graphic scene and graphic detail. And Tricky said no we can just do that with a prop and I said Tricky, no we need

to hire a pregnant horse every single time of the play and they shall birth the horse because quite frankly do you know who the most Infricutely hired animals are in theatrical productions penguin no no penguins are actually hired all the time Thanks to thanks to the recent production of tuxedo tuxedo Which is an all penguin musical I have wanted to say that. Oh, well, good luck getting a ticket. Oh, yeah, that's why I haven't been. I don't know the least cast, but I will say I did see a production of Waiting for Go Do, which was two men waiting for a female deer

to get along, to get out of here. I mean, it was brave. It was six hours, and there was just that female doe on stage the whole time. Do, and the doe would not go. He made a deer a female deer. Yeah, and chun I have seen that play I would say 11 times because I am a subscriber to all theaters and

The beautiful part about waiting for go doe is that the plane never ends the same way because sometimes depending on the doe that the plane never ends the same way, because sometimes, depending on the dough that the individual production is hired, the dough leaves immediately, and you're like, well, that was a two-minute play, and I enjoyed that. And sometimes, the dough doesn't leave for several hours, and you say, well, this is really inconvenient, because I do have to leave, and I have other things I have to do, and now I've missed my reservation.

And sometimes the dough leaves at a perfect time, and you're like, oh, it's in greenicity. You know, I haven't seen as many plays since I've been here, but it reminds me on Earth shortly before I fell through the dimensional portal, I watch this movie, this biopic called Ray. A drop of golden sun? Yeah, well, I'm talking about,

I'm, we're not talking about that right now, you said, or I'm talking about me. I'd name you call yourself? Yeah, far. Far, far way to run. Yeah, go far, far away to run. All right. Where is that, anybody see?

So a needle pulling thread. Don't forget that one. OK. Back to Benedict. Benedict. I'm here. I'm here. I'm wrapped in your conversation.

So that brings us back to doubt. It does. And I did stay for an artist Q&A one time after waiting for Gaudau. And I asked the young Dau, who was in that night's production, and I said, how did you decide when to leave? And she said, well, you get paid by the minute when you're a dear actor.

And so, depending on the financial fluidity of the Dau in question, the longer the play. So that's a little behind the scenes gossip for you. Oh wonderful. So you haven't seen Princess Tricky or Raleigh lately? Oh no, I'm afraid we are not speaking. After our production, I just could not look at her again and I shall not work with someone who treats the creative process with such content.

You see, because last week after Tom Lane was kidnapped, ah, I see a hair on my hat, I made a list of potential suspects who had kidnapped him. And it just says Princess Tricky Aurelia. Well, I would add to this Dennis Brittle Brains. Oh, Dennis Brittle. Oh, but isn't he this Dennis Bittl brains. Oh, Dennis Bittl. Oh, but isn't he dead? He is. Yes, he's died. Dennis Bittl brains died.

Well, Book Club is always the second Sunday of the month, so he died three weeks ago, because our next Book Club is next, is this coming up Sunday? It's such a shame he died slipping on molasses, and it must be especially hard for you since you work with molasses, paving this street and in your home. Oh, the irony. Oh, it's the bitter irony and it's the kind of irony that you find in on golden bond. One of my favorite plays ever about two elderly welders who elderly welders. That's elderly welders.

That's a real tongue twister. Yes, oh, it's about two elderly welders who look back on their life as they are forging a golden ingot together on a lakeside cabin. It's such a beautiful story. I remember seeing a production of it once where the actor played both of the elderly welders and had to run back and forth and put on different hats and mustaches and things. Oh, yes, yes. That's Virgil and he's very talented.

And you do, with a simple change of costume, all of a sudden, he's an entirely different person. Yes, I watched a play for several minutes before I even realized that there was only one actor playing both roles. Mostly could only tell when he started getting really out of breath. You know, I haven't seen that one. I always get it mixed with another play that I can't remember the name of. Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.

You're talking about the ass, Monaget Twa? No, but I'd love to talk about that. Oh, what were you thinking about? Well, no, no, I was like, whenever I think of Angle and Bond, I think it's that play about those two old guys that have really sweaty balls, but I don't, I don't know what that one's called. I do. T either of them. It can be rhetorical. Are you talking about the one that we saw in that little shack?

Sure. It was kind of a big shack. I mean it was I guess it was on such a little shack Gold bond, gold bond shack. Never mind. I leave. I'm out. Oh was it wet nuts? Wet nuts. That's right. Oh, oh Neil Piedman can write anything That's right. Oh, oh Neil Piedman can write anything. Well, I'm quite upset at Princess Tracier because after the debacle that was a closing night cast party I said to her I have a script that I'd like you to read and she said oh I can't wait to read it And I gave it to her and then the next morning she was gone And that was the only copy of my script and I never I Infamously only keep one copy of anything script. And I never, I infamously only

keep one copy of anything that I write. And so when the copy is vanished, there's no way for me to recreate it. I don't mean to pat myself on the back as it were, but it was the most brilliant piece of art I have ever scribed. That is it. I have a new quest. I shall obtain for you once again this manuscript that you do so desperately deserve to have your greatest piece of work of art your Magnus Opus I shall There for find Princess Trichier earlier find out if she has kidnapped Tom Blaine Bellaroth and Return your manuscript to you. Wow. I haven't seen you sort of this bouncing off the walls in a while and also

Oh, I think I see what's going on here. There's a big chunk of gingerbread missing from the aqueduct Yeah, I just had a little bit of sugar. So I'm just a little hyped up. You know, I'm gonna protect on He's got a little bit. He's got some sugar in his brain. You can call it an artifact. You called sugar I can't wait. I'm gonna have a great time I'm gonna find a straight-ed Israeli and I'm going to save the world for the Dark Lord I shall prove my worth once and for all fuck spin tax and we got trouble right here right here in Northeasia And that starts with the end and that stands for nothing but trouble and you're gonna solve it We're gonna be right back with more sugar right after this So Benedict, now that Duncan brittle brains, or I'm sorry, Dennis brittle brain is... Oh, it's Dennis brittle brains, Duncan is his twin brother.

Oh, now you've referred to both of them as your nemesis. Well, they are my deepest nemesis before different reasons. Dennis Brittlebrains is infamously my career nemesis and Duncan Brittlebrains is infamously my romantic nemesis. Oh, dish? Business and pleasure. Yes, well Dennis Brittlebrains and I have always been going up for the same career opportunities. Ever since we came out of gossip school, we were applying for the same career opportunities. Ever since we came out of Gossip School,

we were applying for the same internships, we were applying for the same extra internships, we were applying for the same entry level positions, we were applying for the same court. Excellent level positions. Excellent level positions, yes. Because how I dreamed of being the exit guide at the Halloween maze for the Harvest Festival, the summer after I graduated from Gossip School, but no, Dennis Bittlgreens was the one who got to stand behind the velvet stanchion and say, leave this way.

What an honor. Oh, you would get to see people at their most vulnerable right after they had exited a harvest maze, so scared, so frightened, so precious. And that's when Dennis would be able to get all the secrets from them. Because as they were walking by, Dennis would say, what's your deepest secret? And they would say things like, I've cheated on my taxes. I've burned down my neighbor's house. I'm sleeping with my brother-in-law. I murdered a member of the King's God. And that's how Dennis Biddlebrains raised his power.

Wow, you'd have to imagine hypothetically if Dennis fell to his death and brittleed his brains. If someone were happened to be there and were standing over his dying body and said, leave this way, it would be pretty satisfying. Oh, it would almost be so artistically satisfying and such a denouement of a life that it could be the only kind of death envisioned by a master playwright. It's the kind of demise that only Neil Piedman could imagine. But what a Duncan.

Oh, Duncan, but he's my romantic nemisys. So ever since we were children and gossip academy, we would both be going after the same romantic conquests, trying to woo the same golden adonis from the shadows of a garden wall, writing love sonnets to the visiting Italian courtier who was making everyone swoon with his liar compositions. And just whenever I would think that I was getting so much dunking, what's up, Williams would show up in awe with the object of my affection. Wow, that really wets my nuts.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. That's terrible. At every turn. At every turn and corner. Thank you. Your empathy truly knows no about it. And I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but., no, on what there's no such thing as a stupid question What's waiting here?

To yeah, is gossip academy before or after gossip school? Gossip academy is the early stages of gossip education and Once you have completed all 11 years of gossipossip Academy, then you can take the Gossip Test, which if you successfully pass that, you will be admitted to Gossip School, where you will spend the next four years studying every facet of Gossip and a rumor mongering

and only a graduate of Gossip School is allowed to be the court gossip. And I've heard and correct me if this is incorrect, because it's just a rumor to me. But is there such a thing as a scholarship, which is you get a scholarship from yelling gossip from the rooftops? Yes, because a lot of, oh, John Dev, and so many strides made in gossip. Because how often do we think of gossip as something that you whisper or that you write down in secret?

Yeah. How often do we think of gossip as something that you whisper or that you write down in secret? But Dr. Gillian Cabinet made strides in gossip and so she was saying, wait, why are we whispering our gossip? Why don't we start screaming our gossip? Why don't we start giving the gift of our diaphragmatic projection to the gossip? And so I was able to do a summer internship with her and she is all about shouting your gossip from the turrets So that all the towns people can hear it. It's so revolutionary and and Ani you should know the gossip test Is one of the hardest tests that anyone has ever had to take because you have to fill out the test With things that the person who grades the test doesn't know.

Oh, but there's also, there's a bit of a dark sad side to it where I've heard many a tale and many an article of students at the Gossip Academy going to Dr. Cabinet's private quarters and stealing her drawers. And I know that's like a fun game that the kids play, but it's, it sounds like it's been pretty harmful and it sounds like maybe Dr. Cabinet has stepped down or at least considered returns. The kill garrie of Dr. Cabinet. The what now? Alright. I think Arnold Jorreferred to Dr. Cabinet's husband, Gari Cabinet, and someone... That's how it's pronounced? Gari? It's Gari Cabinet. Oh Arnold, this is tragic because there

was a young gutter sniping gossip school who wanted to make a name for themselves. And they said, I know how I am going to pass the gossip test. I am going to tell a piece of gossip that even Dr. Julian Kappenett doesn't know. I am going to murder her husband. I am going to... Can you just create gossip?

That way, I'm gossip. I don't know if that's gossip. He doesn't know. That's a confession. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Arnold. Have you ever been in an educational setting and posed the question, what's a piece of gossip that I don't know?

And then the cold blooded eyes of the student returning your gaze, saying, I have some gossip. of gossip that I don't know and then the cold blooded eyes of the student returning your gaze saying, I have some gossip, it's your husband has been murdered by me. Wow, that really what's my nuts. That is awful. I can't believe people go around doing that and thinking they can get away with it. If I read about that, I would stop immediately and go tell a local const comfortable what I was reading. But you have ethics, and I think ethics is something unfortunately

in gossip school that we have to push aside, to compartmentalize in order for our own individual further gain. Just part of the job. Part of the job? Part of the job? What can you do? Get the time.

Get the time. Now there's two more bites of gingerbread missing. So ever since Dr. Gillian Cabinett, now the widow Cabinett, she has stepped down from gossip school since her husband was murdered, when someone did kill Garry of Cabinett's, the Cabinett of Kill Garry.

I have to imagine when her husband was killed that she was full of curiosity and probably looks high and low for the killer and you know, when she didn't find it, that had to have been pretty rough. It was incredibly traumatic, chunned, it was incredibly traumatic. Did they, I have to imagine, you know, I've seen someone lose a loved one and I myself, my husband exploded on our wedding night. Oh, I have been meaning to get the sympathy card.

No, I didn't bring it up like that. No, no, no, that's fine. I have a coverage dish that I'm going to send over one of these days. Is there food inside or is it just covered? Oh, no, it's just a covered dish. Oh, I'd love to put it in. Why would I put food inside a morning purse?

No reason, there wasn't. There wasn't. Lovely gesture to send a covered dish over so that they could think about the emptiness that it symbolizes. It's a way to reflect reading. And it's a gift to the person in crisis. Right.

Well, I was going to say having lost the loved one myself, I know sometimes you're so sad and so mournful that it feels like you can hardly move. And I was just curious, did the students help move cabinet up to her bed? And if so, you know, was that upstairs? And, you know, how did they, did they kind of put her upright or was it sort of like on her side and then tilted? I'm just always curious in terms of, you know, how to get a Mrs. cabinet up the stairs. But of course you have to, you have to pivot and have to make sure. Yes, and unfortunately we had to move the very distraught

Dr. Gillian cabinet up several flights of stairs. Because she was, she was catatonic and grief. And who wouldn't be? Because Gary, Gary was a foundation of the gossip community. He really, he really, well, I know this isn't the most important thing, but before you brought Dr. cabinet up the stairs, did you empty all of her pockets? Or did you leave everything?

Did you just leave everything in her pockets? We did say everything in her pockets, but we'll give you. Yes, you don't want to empty pockets of someone in the stages of grief, because then it might emerge from one of the stages of grief and say, oh, I need a tissue. I need a handkerchief, and they'll say, well, I don't have one because my pockets are empty, and someone has one because my pockets are empty. And someone has emptied my pockets. And when someone has emptied my pockets,

then I don't have things to put my pockets in. Wow. And after you had moved her all the way up to her quarters, where she could then rest in grief and private, did she at least give you like pizza and beer for helping? Well, as you know, Chant, there are four stages of grief in a gossip journey through grievances. One, denial, two, anger, three, acceptance, four, pizza and beer.

Five, six. No, they're only four stages. There are four stages. Well, seven. No, I think I already wanted to do a dance. Five, six, seven. Oh, Arnie, look at you so early to speed. Oh, Mike, have you been stretching?

Arnie, you seem moving like that. Now, but I had a little gingerbread too. Oh, come on. Arnie, Arnie, speaking of Dr. Jill Cabinet, there's an excellent talk show host that happens to be her brother, Dick. You should listen to him. He's wonderful You could learn a lot the cabinet. Yeah, Dick cabinet. Oh, he is a raccontour and he will get people on his show

And they will share things that they never expected to say and that is because he is a gossip's brother Mm-hmm. Now Benedict. Yes, I must I must ask You said you've returned here glory. What, what windfall has befall on thee? The greatest windfall of all. I am embarking on my final interview to be the court gossip tomorrow at the Hall of Bellaroth.

Wonderful, what good news. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm sure you've noticed my new cloak Hall of Bellaroth. Wonderful! What a good news! Congratulations! Oh, thank you. I'm sure you've noticed my new cloak that is composed entirely of Santa Hard. I didn't want to say anything, but it's quite luxurious. Yes, thank you. And my new boots that are made out of the beaks of doves. Oh, how fashionable!

Yes, and of course, my doublet that I have woven itself from the bitter lamentations of raccoons. Oh, nothing finer than a bitter raccoon. Speaking of raccoons, tears. Like the cabinet. Oh, yes, oh, did you see his interview with Sylvia, the unicorn tame, last night? No. I'm afraid I missed it. Oh, you didn't miss anything. It wasn't very good. Oh.

You. Oh, you are still a great gossip. You're going to get this job. I know it. Well, maybe someone shouldn't have dipped so heavily into the meat in the emerald room. Eh, the talk show commenced. Hey, you can't tell me that I'm drinking too much. Oh, did you decide to become an alcoholic just like Mads Vickleson? I didn't decide to come anything. I feel just fine. I'm feeling great today.

I feel like I'm full of energy. Arnie, just in case you didn't know, the Emerald Room is where, you know, if you're going on some sort of interview platform or you are a co-cjectler and you're doing some sort of stage production, there's always an Emerald Room that you can go into. Now this is a giant room, well, giant is a relative, I guess it can sometimes be small, but it's a human size. It's human size. But if a giant was going to be on a top platform, it would be giant size. Now is it always literally inside an emerald?

It is always literally inside an emerald. And that is why emerald harvesting is it's an issue that this country needs to deal with. And it's always full of just the rattiest fucking furniture and smells like fucking ass. Like, that's because a lot of donkeys tow the emeralds up from the mining sites. And so, yes, it's very redundant of donkeys and pack animals, because they've spent so many hours with the Jule and question

as they've been towing it up from the mining site from once it originated. Oh, no, I know. This is wonderful. Oh, it is, isn't it? Is there anything we can do, Benedict, to help you prepare tomorrow for your... Did you call it in audition?

Or what would you call it? Oh, I would call it... I would call it a test. I would call it a journey. I would call it an opening of the soul. I would call it an opportunity to stare into the abyss. So all those things but not an audition? I would, oh, I would have called an audition. Well, I'm not a cocktailist,

so I wouldn't call it an audition. Of course, of course. Is there anything we can do to help prepare you for that? Well, Chant, if you wouldn't mind, I haven't had an opportunity to practice my responses to some trial interview questions. So if you wouldn't mind assuming the role of the interview of a court gossip,

that would benefit me greatly. Of course, of course. Bonnie, let me get into character. There are no dumb questions or no dumb questions. Bonnie, you and I should hide in the shadows because that'll be part of his, of course. Let me get into character. There are no dumb questions or no dumb questions. Onnie, you and I should hide in the shadows because that'll be part of his test too. People watching you from the front. Oh, but you said, or what are we doing in the shadows?

Use your imagination, baby. Okay. Benedict, come here, ring a ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ooh, the summoning bell, yes. Yes, it's so wonderful to see you. Gloria. Wonderful to see you. Wonderful to see you. Now. Wonderful to see you.

Now, how are your children doing? That's done a few business, really. It is done by business. But yet I do have information about them. Do tell. What about the eldest? What about Thomas? Oh, your eldest son Thomas?

Well, you should wonder why he's spending so much time at the Falconer's station, and yet he's not able to tame a hawk, is he? First, I can't know it. I'm just... Yes, no it. He's having an affair with the Falconer's wife. Oh, this is hawk gasser. I love hawk gasser. Now, oh, oh, and tell me about my youngest Melissa. Oh, your youngest daughter Melissa. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh assumed that she was just, you know, into, you know, aviation like her brother.

Into aviation? Well, she's flying on something, but it's not bird wings. It's cupid's wings, because she is having an affair with the owl competition judge. Oh, leave him. It's a hoot. That was incredible. I don't know any of those people, but I assume all of those things are true. Yeah Benedict, I don't have a kid named Thomas Ormalissa, and yet, suddenly, I give a shit about both of them.

Yes, because I've created a compelling world and life force for them. And like it's the second act of ungolden bond when Norman the elder welder is talking about his dead brother. Such a sad scene. I only have one small minor note. Oh my goodness. I would listen to a symphony of your notes on it. Well, take it or leave it But when I would take it I thought I'd on feedback Well, if someone says it's none of your business you can say none of my business is my business And then kind of chuckle to yourself. Oh None of my business is my business and then kind of chuckle to yourself. Oh Oh, I love that I'm going to embroider that in a throat pillow and put it on my couch. Wow

Arnie, that's a minor note, but when you played it you pleased the Lord Hallelujah, Hallelujah. You're really on fire today. You're a little dance and then that pithy little saying it. You're regular dick cabinet Yeah, you should eat more shit filled gingerbread what's this it's not fecal fills gingerbread it's gingerbread that has served as plumbing and so it's it's fecal acquainted to gingerbread and yeah it's fecal adjacent thank you all and to shit your bread gently you take any notes'll take one. I wouldn't have done that last one. That's my Wow, that really what's my nuts are you for you to say that that really what's my nuts? It moistens you up a stashuse So well, can I ask Benedict like I'm very excited about this new position for you But everything we've heard is that Queen to Tania will be stepping down from the throne soon.

Is it normal for there to be staffing like this during a time of transition? It's highly unusual, and I think that's why we don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if the new region will even honor the hiring, that shall take place tomorrow. But you gotta try. You gotta try. Oh, one must endeavor to succeed, or else what is doomed to fail. Why is worse? You would also have to imagine that if you do succeed, that you would be extra invested

in who the next region is, right? Because that would really determine whether you kept that role or not. Yes, I would say if it was someone I had a good relationship with, I would really want that person to become the region. And if it was someone who was my bitter enemy, someone who had ruthlessly betrayed me in our artistic pursuit, someone who had taken me at my most vulnerable, at my most exposed at my most raw intended, and then with the brittle pad of insuciance had scraped away all of my trust,

then yes, I would not want to work for that person. As opposed to someone who you had actively plotted to kill for a year or so. Well, I think when you actively plot to kill someone, that is when you truly know them inside and out and know how to be a good employee for them. This is crazy because the whole predicament kind of almost mimics, you know, it's that old attitude of, you know, life imitates art like, I'm art, oh I'm art, look at me,

I'm art. You know what I'm talking about? Because this is so similar to the play and story of our crown. Did you ever read that in school, our crown? Yes, our crown. It's when a dead king is looking back at his life and thinking, oh, he is, here I am. I couldn't have put it better myself.

It's truly, it's a narrator who's a dead king just saying here I am. And there's other roles, but they don't really matter. They're all just kind of gibberish And I just feel like Thorntane, yeah, which I would say they're all gibberish I always weak at whoever is playing the pot of the pavera spices the sage manager Yeah, because well I agree and I disagree because I feel like a lot of times the sage manager Has tends to get like you get this power trip of like,

I'm the Sage Manager, everyone listen up, like shut up, you need to be here. And it's just like, there's no need to talk to me like that. Does that make sense? You guys have a notice that in other plays, a lot of those plays put on our crown. Yes, oh yeah. I've never made the connection,

but you are so right, you said, or, please, how often have I been sitting in a local community theatre production and saying, well, this is interesting, the characters and this fictional work are playing the parts of another fictional work. Yeah, and that mystic, uh, spalding the gray, he had a hole, I think he had a hole piece about our crown as well. Oh, you're talking about gray the balding? Oh, that might be who I'm thinking of. The one with the sweaty balls? Wet nuts. BEEP. Well, this has been a boon to my spirits fellows,

because I confess I was feeling a little uncertain at the eve of my greatest sentient back to my former glory. But yet, thanks to the mock interview I've had with you, Chuck, I feel ready to tackle anything. Oh, you needn't feel like the willow, uh, flowing back and forth in the breeze, thou at the mighty oak, and I am assured that you shall prevail.

Oh, well, you have been a physics to my system, and if you are a tree that I am sick no more, you sicker more. No, Benedict, I've got to ask. And I have got to answer. Why were here any secrets floating around about us, like are we in danger or anything? Like just in case, anything that is really we should know. Oh yes, Arnie.

As you know, I am sworn by the Gossips oath. So I can only tell someone Gossips about themselves if they ask if they're as Gossips about themselves. So yes, chunt, someone is plotting your imminent demise and murdering you in a way that seems physically impossible, but also metaphysically correct. Ah, Yusudor. Yes.

Your greatest enemy is also your greatest love. And the two people that you trust the most make merciless fun of you oftentimes to your face. Who could that be? And those are the people that are being... No. Arnold. Fuck you, you sit on it.

Quiet, I'm thinking about who that could be. Why don't you kill me? Arnold. I am afraid I have the most difficult gossip to give you. For there is grave... Is that like, phonetically difficult to say? Is it the fact that nobody gossip about him and that's the saddest thing in the world?

Well, chun, I guess. You're the court gossip now, aren't you? Oh, yeah! He's Arnold. The page in my gossip diary for you with the headline Arnold Bihansom is completely blank. For no one in all the kingdom of Belarus has ever had an unkind thing to say about you.

Morally stalwart, emotionally available, with limpid brown eyes, the color of a molasses fountain. Oh, wait, wait, I'm so sorry, Benedict, let me see that book here. Oh yes, you could take, oh absolutely, take a look at my gospel. I guess I can't read it because I'm not a unique, but if you're on the page, aren't you the handsome, I'm just going to turn back one page to just play an Arnie, and then take a look there and see if you see anything. Oh, I'm sorry, I was on the page of Arnold the Hanson.

Have you met Arnold the Hanson? No. Oh, he is. Slame? Oh, you are just playing Arnold, yes, Arnold the Hanson. He is someone who, who fell through a magical portal by a fine dining establishment in his local town. And he has been traveling with people.

And he actually has been traveling a lot because he's just been having so many ribbled adventures throughout Belorock. And Arnie. Arnie, better co-host too. Oh, yes. His co-host. One is Merlin the Magnificent, who is a,

yes, he's a level six mage and he has, that's my role. Yes, yes. And then there's also Cyrus the shapeshifter. And he is just an excellent person who doesn't need to rely on the crutch of word play for his humor. He makes these incredibly witty bone mods that

cause you to hold your hands to your sides in mirth as also you recognize the deeper truth within. Wow, you said or I'm sorry buddy, that must be hard to hear. It is hard to hear. Thank you Benedicto for these truths. For I and now committed to not only bringing back your manuscript but burning down those motherfuckers. And Ornie just so you know, fine dining establishment is an establishment you go to for dinner or lunch, or maybe an early, um, fast of break, and you eat the food and you go, it's fine. Okay, I can be out of that. Benedict, we must take our leave of the, but I, a Resta should should that we have the utmost faith

that when we return, that you shall be the official court gossip once again. O Briefellas, please, here, take these marzipan confections that I have made each fashioned in your likeness. Oh, I'm so much, it's so wonderful. Thank you so much, this is so good. Thank you so much. Wow. Bounty, bow, debounty, bow, debounty, bow. Chancho, having too much sugar.

Look how high you can jump. Good job, Chanch. Good job. As always Arnold and your two friends, it's been marvelous to see you, a solace to hear these troubled times. Yeah. Before we go, can I ask Benedict, are you up to anything nasty that we should know about?

Oh Arnold, ask me no secrets, and I'll tell you no lies. But yes, I am up to a plot of such deviousness that it would make your stomach churn, and I am plotting against someone who you know, who you respect, and who you admire. Oh, so it's an old episode. Oh, we gotta kill Hans Marnie. Benedict, it has been a pleasure to once again hear your dulls at tones and take solace

from them. But I shall return forth with with the manuscript that you so deeply deserve. And we all owe off. Yes. God damn, get some sugar in it, and he takes on another side quest. Do you want sandwiches?

I have sandwiches. I can eat. I'd love one, I know a little sandwich. Grab me a sandwich. Well, I'll just put these in some wax paper. These are some Cornish hen. I grow the whole radish myself. This is a brown sugar mustard because I just distill them molasses and it's fun. It's fun. And I like everybody. I'm getting into

baking bread this fall. So the bread is sour though. Oh, fucking yum. Sweet mustard. Mmm. That's what I want from mustard is a nice sweetness. This, a lot of people are like, oh, this mustard's too tangy. I'm like, that's up this sugar content of it. And so that too often mustard has been in the purview of of of condiments. I have made mustard a dessert. And so my sweet mustard somewhat argue, oh, it's overly clawing and it's almost unnaturally sickly sweet, but I would say, it just makes a nice glaze upon any meat or protein product

that you want in your sandwich. Ooh, nice mustard pie. Put some mustard on your ice cream. Sounds so good. Yes, here's some mustard frosting. Here's a mustard tart, a mustard tart. It's someone say mustard custard. Oh yes!

It's just coming from the broiler. Oh, and Arnold, did you want this sweater? You left this sweater the last time you were here. Dish. What? I guess that's a story for another day. Hahaha. In-trick! On a bridged sweater story, anyone? I smell a five-part stichopremium series.

Wait, no, I'm smelling that cherry tomato that rolled under my desk a few weeks ago. Oh lord, you came back with a vengeance? You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Draw now to Nunciation to buy some time was played by Matt Young. What about MY idea? Was played by Adolfiah. Benedict Whisperbrew was played by special guest Brendan Dowling.

Brendan is a writer for the Showtime series Work in Progress, debuting its second season later this year. You can also hear Brendan on his own podcast series, a children's guide to every runner-up for best supporting actors in the history of the Academy of Motion Pictures. Children love the runtime, clocked in it over 180 minutes in episode. Spinster Aunts love the character monologues, revealing each performer's list of grievances. Download codes available in the baking supply aisle of your local supermarket. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Rathiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Ear will producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman, special assistance provided by Orion DeGeorgie, hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Today's episode of hello from the Magic Tavern contained absolutely no Martin Wilson, as I like to say, find happiness wherever you can.