Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 87 - Princess Trachea's Plan

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

The search for Prince Tomblain leads to the secret lair of Princess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth, who is still plotting her brother's death.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPrincess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth: Megan O'NeillMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. People of Earth. The following podcast is not real.

If this is your first time with us, welcome to the worldwide community that uses our service as part of a daily mindfulness routine. Simply breathe and allow the arguing and fumbling exposition to fade into a pleasant buzzing noise in the background. I'm told there are people who actually follow the dialogue, but that doesn't seem realistic. So switch on that salt lamp, light up a cinnamon stick or two, sit back, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, first of all, I'm sorry.

I'm whispering a little bit, and that's not the general tone of the podcast, but we are seeing you. Ah! Just sorry. I just thought of the word rat. You just, sorry, sorry, keep going. Thought of the word rat?

Yeah. Isn't that scary? The word? Close one, yeah, close one, go ahead buddy. You got this. I love that you conceptualize something scary as the word. It's like you didn't think of or...

Go on. What? Go on. Go on. You said or you're doing a lot of justiculating like hand gestures to show. I think, okay, two fingers point at your eyes. You want me to poke you in the eyes and now you're like waving your hand in a direction. Oh, no, quite! You're

supposed to be speaking through hand gestures so that we aren't caught by the prince's Stray Gear Alia. Houston, or we've been doing this podcast for over six years. Hand gestures don't read for the listener. What have I been doing this whole time? Every time I cast a spell, one of my elaborate gestures help assist my verbal commands and create the magic that you see before you. Yeah, and every time I talk to you, Arnie, I make that jerk off motion.

You're telling me people can't hear that? They assume. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of that, chunk could turn into anything at all you can just lie about it That's true. Oh, yeah, just turn into a rat. No, that's too scary. Wait, did you say the word rat? Don't you know Sador is afraid of the word rat. Here's a thing. Oh, no, you're both covered in rats right now

And you don't care about that. Oh that's fine. There's something about the word rat. Rat's don't bother me. It's the idea of rats. The concept of a rat. Oh, and I just thought of the word murder? Oh! You know what I'm scared of? The band rat. Ooh, two teas. Never listened to them, but as a child, their album covers scared me.

Wait a minute. How many teas do they have? Two teas. Never listened to them, but as a child, their album covers scared me. Wait a minute. How many teas do they have? Two teas. Well, getting close. That's getting close. I'm trying to with six teas. Four more teas, and they're in big shit. That's true. And also, user or no, it's not trat. I'm not talking about trat, which I know is one of your favorite bands in Fune. I love trat.

Oh. What's some of your favorite Tratt songs? Oh, they sing smash down the the batten. It's a drinking song for a boat and of course they sing. Wyvern's gonna get you tonight. And of course they sing. What are some of the other good ones? Oh take take me in. Yeah, take me in's a good one. Do you know take me in on it? No It's mostly guitar. It's mostly guitar But then there's a swamp out where he goes take me in I Sort of like that huh. Yeah, I'm really amazing I don't know very much about tratt I think every time I try to think of a tratt song. I think of a to quiet riot song They're not quite as good my mind. Hmm, I'm not gonna take that.

All right, not anymore. Guys, though, I've gotta return to whispering because I remember we're sneaking up, here's the thing, we are in Northeast Europe. Yeah, kind of in the outskirts of Northeast Europe right now. How do we know there's skirts? It could be a dress, it could be we're in the out dress. We're in the out dress of Northeastia. We have been trying to figure out who kidnapped

Tom Blaine Bellaroth, and also I guess we're like trying to get a manuscript that Benedict whispered through the eunuch lost. Oh yeah. Yes, and I have to assume that Princess Trachea Aralia has something to do with the disappearance of our sweet prince, Tom Blaine Bellaroth, also probably the theft that very manuscript of which you just referred to, Honald. Ah, that's why I sent her all my little bird spies to find out where she may be hiding, and they all agreed that this cave right here right over this ridge is where she doth reside and plan her nefarious deeds. Yeah and I sent Saiyans ahead because he glows in the dark.

How does that help? Oh so you can fucking see? So he can see? What do you think you've been following in the cave this whole time? Oh! That's Saiyans. Oh! I somehow saying, huh? Oh!

I somehow thought that I had developed Night Vision. Why would you like to run a magic world? Why is so far? Yeah. So you think you might just wake up one day with powers? Yeah. I mean, that's not the craziest thing that's happened. Oh, Arnie, you just got bit by that spider.

Oh. Whoa, wait a sec, hold on. My Arnie senses are tingling. Oh no, that was a, nope, it was just a poison spider. You, buddy, sit down, I gotta suck out the poison. I gotta suck out the poison. No, that's not where it bit me. I gotta take this rock, hold on to this rock,

and sleep with it under your head every night, and soon you shall have magical powers all your own. Duh, you and your rocks. All right, don't take the fucking rock. I don't care. Oh Okay, so I want a rock. I want a rock Yeah, I love you saying a useful because it's a good track song. Oh Trad Okay, so here's the thing. It's been years since we've seen Princess Trachea, Aralia Bellarov, but as I remember, she's a little intimidating and kind of evil. So let's keep, let's sneak up quietly.

So we keep our advantage. Okay, very smart. Very smart. But let's also narrate everything we're doing into our microphones. So the list that still feels involved. Good idea, good idea. I'm going to start by transforming myself into a tiny little rabbit that no one would suspect. Is a powerful wizard ready to destroy this princess

if she has in harmed one hit or upon my friend's head. Eroth, eroth, eroth, eroth, eroth. I'm sort of half crouching and half walking and in my feel like my pants are falling down in the back And I think people maybe can see my butt crack So I'm reaching back and pulling my pants up, but I'm losing my balance and I'm falling over face first And I'm gonna turn myself into a giant rat

Why don't you change yourself into a giant word? Oh, I don't think I can do that. Let me try. Oh No, nope, can't do it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, it's good that we're narrating But we should be trying to be a little quiet because we could rouse. I don't know. She has a retinue of gods or if there's a magical spell but hitting the hex around her area or something. Wait, stop, stand, stop. Let's... Okay.

That must... That must be more close. So... Uh-huh. This fragile wings and the port to your finding soul! Oh, there's terrible winged creatures. They're like... That word that I hate with wings on them.

Flying, flying words I hate. To bats? Oh, don't say it! Oh, no, I want to hunt us. Shri, when should we reveal ourselves? I know you're there. No! What? You're right, it's not a very thick door, it's a cave.

Surprise, happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Princess Trachea, I'm a better off Happy birthday to you And many more To... Are you? And many more...

A JAH! How Iraq! Fools! All of you. I cursed the day that you were to cross my path again. And here it is. She remembers us! I remember all!

Arnie, what's a path? I don't know, is it like... Is it like half an apothecary? I think so, it's, but what half? I can't believe we crossed your path. We need to cross it. I just wanna- Do you think that I came here to the coolots of Northeastia

to see your faces intrude upon my solitude? Oh, but you are not here, uh, faced by some rabbit on these border trousers, rather usador or wizard or the twelfth room of a fesious master of light and shadow. Many people like to have magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas, the elves know me as fearing Alec, the dwarves know me as zone in who extendies, and you may know me better than northeast as gas-wainiest may stop, but you may not call me by such a familiar name.

If thou hast harmed one head upon the head of sweet prince, Tom Blaine Bellarov. Yeah, and this giant black and white rat is actually chunned, but now that I say it, I probably look pretty similar. I'm sorry. And hey, you know, it's been a while. We only met twice. I'm Arnie, I'm from another world.

You're royalty, I'm sure you meet a lot of people, so if you don't remember me, that's fine. I remember you, and then I made it a point to forget you, and now you are here, and I remember again. I else take it as a compliment. So you forgot in between, but you remember one when you saw it. I intentionally forgot because that is the power I have over my own mind.

I erased him. I erased him, and then now that I'm seeing him, I've rebooted it. Just ony. Just ony. Just, I don't like other worldlings. That's what people say about me. Arnie, it just all comes flooding back. Well, I personally love Arnie, and I think...

Oh, geezer. I'm sorry to interrupt, but thank you, buddy. I'm welcome. Very much. Hey, he's a kid. We don't... I'm sorry to interrupt. I knew you were doing something important, but we don't. Yeah, honestly, we don't say it enough. Yeah, I love you. Yeah. I love you, Arnie. I love you, bud. Perhaps you all could get your own cave for this Chant, I love you and we shall be in this cave. I love you. I love you. I love you. I already. I love you

We're in this very cave. Why are you kidding? Wow, they don't toss on my hair. Oh, champ Now we've come here on serious business though Now, we've come here on serious business though. Uh, you disgraced Princess. We saw your play and we were unimpressed. Uh, the dialogue was trite and obvious. And now you hear my scurry about in this cave, now that you are no longer worthy of the throne of Northeastia. You fool.

You think, you think that's why I sit in this cave because I'm unworthy, because I'm embarrassed of some poor reviews of my play. Yes, exactly. I would be ashamed if I'd put on three dream ballets in one show. First of all, no one understood that those would dream ballets all of one, not three. It was what three segments of one ballet and just because it goes over your head do not think that it is beneath you. Ah, if it goes over my head then how could it be beneath me?

Exactly! Point one, you said all! They both think they won that. And we did. Congratulations. I am not sitting in here licking my wounds, wishing that I was on some stage accepting in a ward and some type of gown where I could thank people who helped me along the way and then perhaps make a small joke to show that I'm still humble and walk off stage and have

my photograph. That is not what's happening. Yeah. Oh no, she clearly had a speech written. Do you want to read it? I don't know. I look, she's right in front of like a puddle that's very like reflective and she's holding a brush in her hand.

I think we interrupted her like practicing her speeches. I was simply grooming as a lady does and sometimes I pause in my grooming and I look at my brush and I address it, and I tell it things that I'm, yes, I was practicing what I would say if I did receive some kind of a ward for our play. Well, your daily rituals are yours to unpack and to live with. We care not about them. We are here on serious business We have been said not only defined Prince Tombling but also defined a missing manuscript are they certain Mr. Benedict whisper brood as that sound familiar to you speak not that unique name to me, sir.

With Spir-Beru? I would have re-unicked him if it were possible. That is unnecessarily cruel. Why would you do such a thing when all of a sudden- Or is it good? Is it like re-unic? So, okay, let me close my eyes and try and imagine this. Re-unic.

Is it Tachum and then, kind of, or is it like taking more somehow? Either way, it would be excruciating and leave him as less of a man than he already is. It's a good tratzogno. Re-unic and it feels so good. Oh no. Re-unic and you understood.

I lost my stuff and I lost it again. And, and, and, and. But that matters not. But I'm fine. Why do bands like Tratt always have to have a ballad? Yeah, yeah, why do they? But it doesn't matter right now. I'm here to find answers.

Well, in seeking your answers, you've inadvertently shown me your hand, was it? So my brother's missing, is he? He should have quick, clear hands. And the Unic, he's sad about his stupid, insignificant little manuscript. No. No. Yeah, a ton oflaced fine and but it has his manuscript That's not what you said you see what I was serious business was about my missing brother and a missing manuscript from your own tongue you said it ah

Yes, but that was a trick to expose the fact that you wanted those things happen haha I win again two points for for you, Siddhal. Well, a hundred points for me because you're wrong. That's not what I want. Damn. I don't want my brother missing. I want to know exactly where he is, or at least parts of him, like his head on a stick in my bedroom so that I may slap it every night before I go to sleep. Okay, can we walk through this plan a little bit? Head on a stick in your bedroom

so you can slap it every night before you go to sleep. I think it's pretty, or anything is pretty pretty good. I guess so. Well, I am a little confused because of his heads on a stick than what's on his neck. The stick becomes his neck and his body because he's dead. He's beheaded. His dead head is on my stick in my room and I slap it

before bed the way some people would say prayers. Yeah, you skipped over the dead part. I was implied because the stick was placing his body. I got that part, you sir, that's a dumb question. I want to know what are his feet? What are his feet? What are his feet in the scenario? Yeah, the sticks his neck. What are his feet? His feet are it is his hands I will put his hands Where his feet would be so that they may I may step on his fingers on my way to bed And if he's dead when you slap him he can't feel pain. So is that just for you? It's an insult to his spirit. Yeah

Would you in here? I don't know if you're open to notes on this, because I think like, I'm 99% there, I see it, and it makes a lot of sense. Would you consider like peeing on him before bed? Because that's a little more insult to it. Where did that come from? What? Peeing on him? Yeah.

Also saying I want to. I want to. For a woman to pee on things. I guess that's true. I guess depends on where you put the thing. I mean, if you've got a severed head, you could probably position in such a way that you could pee directly into his open mouth, uh, discreasing him for the rest of all time.

But there's a lot of effort, that's a lot of output of energy. She doesn't want that right. She wants to get the most return for output of energy, so like, she could pee on his feet hands? You're the one that brought it up, I'm just trying to solve problems here. Are any what part of hit the head? Made you think of going to the bathroom on him. She's gonna hit the head on the stick and that's that.

Yeah. Good point, Sean. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. I love you. I guess I'm also thinking of it because clearly back there, there's a bunch of snakes being drained of blood And I psychologically I thought drain the snakes. What do you do with your snakes? You leave them full of blood

You simple stupid man. Of course I leave snakes filled with blood I also don't choke chickens the way you are in that room over there This is a disgusting abode you've built for yourself. Who jokes your chickens, you stupid wizard! That reminds me, I should say hello to your bodyguard, Mr. Thickdick. I want to say hello to Mr. Thickdick. He's not allowed to speak, but he acknowledges your presence. Do you see how he went up on his toes and got a little bigger when you said his name?

That's just greeting. Winked at you said his name. That's screaming. Winked at you with his one good eye? Yes. Why, he got up on his toes and he kind of peered over at us. Keep your eyes on your own prize, buddy. So you claim to have nothing to do with the kidnapping of Tom Blaine Bellaroth that Arnie witnessed with his own eyes. Which may or may not be a hypothetical situation we're talking about.

Of course I don't. Do you think I would take the time to just snatch my dear brother? And what? Keep him in a cage, poking with a stick, taunt him. Where's the fun in that? If I had him, his blood would splatter the lands from here to the very edge of food. Ah, you fool. He doesn't have enough blood to make it all the way to the edge of food. Point three for you, Sinoa. Negative 1,000 points for you. That is what the snake blood is for. The snake blood will add volume to his blood.

How do I keep losing so many points? She mixes the snake blood with his blood. She's got a plan. She's, she's worker. I gotta say, I'm impressed. Thank you, Arnold. I'll try and remember you on purpose next time. Oh, honey, we could use a little more support here and less support for Trake Air Aliens evil plans.

But look, I'm not saying I approve of it. I'm just saying like I appreciate it. Everyone's got a little bit of slap dash plans, right? Like I feel like she's one of the few people that's just sort of like here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna set up simple, achievable goals on my way to doing it. How am I gonna sprinkle my, my dead brother's blood all over Foon? Well, he doesn't have enough.

Where can I get more blood? All right, I love you. I love you too. Chat, you too, I love you too. I love you too. Princess Trachea, I love you too. What? No, no, no.

It's not what this cave is for. Fick dick, I love you too. Princess Trachea, I love you too. What? No, no, no, no. It's not what this cave is for. Fictic? I love you. Give you another wink. So Princess, if you don't mind, it has been a while since we've seen you, what have you been up to? What have I been up to? I have been once again plotting the gruesome, horrific death of my dear brother, who did

not deem it worthy of his time to come and try and take part in my play. So you know what, I'm done with the dress-up games. I've on to a new plan. And Benedict was supposed to be part of it, but he doesn't have the stomach for it. Or the balls. Hmm, yeah. It was how would you mend by reuniting like taking a stomach? Never mind. part of it, but he doesn't have the stomach for it. Or the balls. Hmm, yeah. It was how would you mend by reuniting like taking a stomach?

Never mind, we don't answer that. I told him, when the play didn't work, we had to redouble efforts, and I wanted to spawn, to spread my seed, to create more of me, to be out in the world, to find Tom Blaine, because clearly I couldn't cover enough ground on my own. I'm listening. So I asked Benedict if he would like to help me spawn. And for reasons I still don't understand it wasn't working so we looked into doing

IVF. IVF? Yes. Wait for reasons you don't understand? Yes. You tried inside vagina fucking? No. Inept victim for unification. For unification? We tried to find a way so that my very essence could infect anyone around me and then I could take them over thereby becoming everyone at once. I will have eyes everywhere. Tom Blaine can be nowhere that I can't see. So, in this way you could infect hundreds or thousands of people around you. Everyone. Everyone. This is the most despicable plan I've heard from you yet. Prepare to face the wrath of a wizard. But first we'll take a quick break.

So Prince has trakia, really. First of all, this cave, you don't lot with it. I've got to say, there's a lot going on in here. Thank you. Took a lot of animals to die. To create this look. A lot of bones and like half animals. Don't touch that.

Was it? Can I? Please? No. Why not? Do you want a curse for a thousand years? Ooh, do I want a curse for a thousand years? Oh, do I want a curse for a thousand years? Fuck, fuck shit, fuck, fuck damn shit, fuck shit!

Well, I only did it for 30 seconds and it's exhausting. I know. Oh, can I ask, did you? Wow! Oh my gosh, did you get this in Better Bones and Garden? No, badger. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to say that you're basic.

It's just, I feel like I saw this same skeleton in Betterbounds of Garden, and I was eyeing it. Sorry. Everything you see is something that has died by my hand. It makes it more personal. Everything. Everything. This skull has a price tag on it. That was the price of his life.

Mm. Did you kill the price tag before you put it on the skull? I left it on I thought it was ironic. So you made all this because I to me I assumed it was from Pier Nahn which is just a place where you go with you just you have no peers you're just kind of above everybody. No I've made it all and between you and I am considering selling some of it. Oh, how much are you asking? I don't know, I mean, it's hard to put a price on your talents, but it doesn't hurt to have a fallback plan.

It's what I learned from my time in theatre. Hmm, well while we're here, I'd be in the market to buy something. I mean, we have a couple of coins, which, as we know, is the official currency of the Northeast coins. Well, I've never shown anyone my studio before, but if you're willing to spend money, I will show you some things I've been working on.

Oh, yes, please show us. Is it behind that curtain here? Yes, it's actually not a curtain, that's flesh. Wow. Oh, okay. Arnie, you said, or, yeah. Do you see that on this curtain of flesh,

there's like some splatters of paint. I feel like she did that just so it looked kind of artistic. I don't think pink got on there by accident, right? Yes, it's sort of an affectation. Yeah, it's like when people put paint on their pants and it's like, you're painting you did that for a look Yeah Trying to hard right trying to hard. Yes show us more of your be spoke scope

But well come right in here everything in here Was alive within the past five years. I like to kill young because of everything is still pliable Oh, yes, these are all very small bones. That's, um, wow. It's much harder to work with, much more delicate. Look at these two paintings next to each other. One is of a horse dying and giving a little yell, and one is of a man acting like a horse.

So this is a moan, nay, and a man, nay? Yes, they come as a set. I won't sell them separately. Wow, I could almost barely tell the difference. Yeah, and they won't, they won't make set. I won't sell them separately. Wow, I could almost barely tell the difference. Yeah. And they won't make sense separate from each other. No. Well, this is all very nice. I think we'd be willing to give you upwards of 12 coins for the whole thing.

For the whole room? Yeah, 12 coins. Including the curtain. I will sell you this room for your 12 coins, including the curtain. I will sell you this room for your 12 coins, and all the information you have about my brothers' last whereabouts. Wach, wach, wach, wach. Wait, use it or this is a good deal for us, because we know almost nothing.

You're right, you're right. We agree to your terms. Here we go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Well, I actually do have a coin, but it's one of those coins that's worth 11 coins. So we're kind of back where we started. Ernie, what do you have? I still have this silent high coin. Oh yeah, and that's the one that people can still buy.

Yeah, I should bring that up more often. I don't know if that's currency here in Northeastern Asia, though. I don't think it counts as a coin. That's right. It's a special challenge coin, special. If it's not a coin with the back of a baby Tom Blaine's head, breastfeeding on it, then it's not an official coin of the Northeast. Yeah, how do you feel about the fact that the currency,

the coins here, have an image of your brother, a breastfeeding from your mother on them? I feel the same way as I feel about the fact that he breastfed from my mother's teeth till the age of nine disgusted. Yeah, no, that's still. You know what? We finally found some common ground. We all agree on that.

It's not a good look. Now, do you think a true ruler is someone who relied upon his mother's teeth to keep him alive for nine years. I suppose that's you're making a good salient point, but I just can't imagine how the disarray and how quickly the kingdom would fall to the hands of the Dark Lord, with little last bastions left against that force of evil. If it were to fall to your hands, surely you'd make some deal with him or he'd come in and kill you. You'd just be like, get married to him or something and I'd be like, ah, well hell, we're all fuck now. Oh, although I gotta say, a Dark Lord winning sounds like good content. Arnie, you're not helping this week. Help us defeat evil. I love you.

I love you too. I love you guys. Why are you so sure that my brother's not evil? And that my brother wouldn't fall in love with the Dark Lord? Is it because I'm a woman? No, no, that's not it. It's because you do evil things all the time. And he doesn't.

That you know of. Oh, although you said, or to be fair, we should interrogate our own biases on this. You're right. How much of it is because Trayke is a woman? I mean, look, you've killed everything in this room. But also, I mean, Tom Blaine's kind of a fucking idiot. So, like, why do we support him so much?

What do you mean? I mean, he's borderline insane. Well, I don't think so. I think he's a very talented person. And that sometimes talent can be confused for abnormality because it just doesn't happen to fit into the exact box that all the other wizards do, just because you're a little bit different

than the rest of them. Doesn't mean that you should be cast out. Did you know that when he was 10 years old and my mother refused him her teeth? He started to know on the legs of all the chairs in our dining room. Yes, everyone knows that it's one of the best tratsons. Everybody knows table legs or tits. Next best thing. Oh man, every one of my parents used to go to bed.

I used to lift up the tablecloth and then put it down, then lift it up and put it down, lift it up. And then my dad would walk, oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. Anybody? I love you guys, I love you, Arnie, I love you. You're sorry, I love you. When you were a child, was it ever a thing where like the tablecloth over?

Was it the tablecloth? You could just barely see through it like a little bit So it was scrambling does like if I kind of went back and forth like I could almost make something out Yeah, and you're like wait a second is that the table like I think that's a table It is a table like but then I was like my table like doesn't look like that. Should it all the advances and tables these days Kids they don't understand they this fucking look at a table What else oh Tricky come back she's heard a walk away

Tricky Tricky Tricky's come back to I had thick dick calling for me Princess Tricky a realy a bell wrap. Let's look your you've made some fair points tell us what is your plan some fair points, tell us what is your plan for the Northeast? Like if you do succeed in killing your brother and usurping his power and being the new queen of the Northeast, what will you do with that power? Well immediately upon my rise to power, everyone will be conscripted to the military. We will become the greatest fighting force that Foon has ever seen, protecting our borders, killing anything that comes for what is ours.

And then once we're done with that, we will drink the blood of our enemies in a never-ending feast and rock-as-party. I mean, I like parts of that. The worst I've heard, yeah. What? It has been sometime. I mean I like parts of the worst I've heard yeah Sins sometime I mean look never it does help that the Dark Lord has taken over most of food And so I guess his forces are at the board of the Northeast to some point But what like say you defeat the Dark Lord do you open your borders then? Who do you think is worth coming through our borders?

We will kill anything that comes near them. What about a cute little puppy? No, it's never just a puppy. It's a Trojan puppy. You know, one of those puppies that can turn into a giant horse and then stab out your eyes. Oh, that's bad. That does sound bad.

Yes, I know those horses. What if it's a adorable little puppy and his name is Scoop Booby? Oh little Scoop Booby! Here's Scoop Booby! Oh Scoop Booby! Could you kill a little Scoop Booby? Could you kill Scoop Booby? Hey, trick it! Look us in the eyes! Could you kill Scoop Booby?

I mean you've just seen my studio, I think it's highly likely I've eyes. Could you kill Scoop Booby? Huh? I mean, you've just seen my studio. I think it's highly likely I've already killed three or four Scoop Booby's. Oh, no. Guys, before we even knew about Scoop Booby, Scoop Booby was dead. No. Now you own him, because you bought everything in the studio,

so now you will be drinking your meat out of his eye sockets. What if maybe two years later, Scoop Booby had a little nephew that came along? I'm out. Right, Ro? And now, I don't know why. The two of you, all three of you really are so quick to churn on Tom Blaine. Look, all he's done is father and mother Milk Made, run off to join a band of Mary Boardwalkers

who simply entertain people with their plays, disguised himself as a series of bats falling in love with an acorn. Okay, I'm seeing it now. I'm not gonna see her. It's also fascinating to hear you say that loud used to the word that he fell in love with a milk made. And what did we just learn? He milked from his mother's teeth until he was nine. Wow. Wow.

He's got a type. Wow. He's got a type. Wow. It's got a type. He has a type. He has a type. Now in all this time you spent speaking with my brother,

did you ask him what his plans are when he becomes a ruler or did you just assume that he had it under control? Oh, have we ever asked him what he would actually do? Oh, God. I guess I've already spent, like, he's a royalty. He's probably gonna be king. Wouldn't be cool if I was friends with someone who was eventually a king.

I assume he'd pour some more money into the arts because he's a big, you know, patron of the arts. I thought maybe he'd change some of the laws about who a king can marry, so he could marry the person he really loved instead of the person he had to marry to take the throne in the first place. And I thought maybe, I thought maybe he'd send out his retinue of gods to murder you in your sleep. And that would be the only interesting thing he does.

Speaking of, like getting married and stuff, Princess Trachea, really a belleroth, have you had any kind of romance in your life besides whatever was going on between you and and Benedict Whisperbrew of which I still can't quite figure out the logistics of in my head. It's very personal question honored. I'm like the Barbara Walters of Foon. I suppose I could say that I've had several loves in my life but of them Benedict is the only one who broke my heart. I would feel more pathos for her if she wasn't balancing that dagger on the tip of her finger.

Yeah, it's really ominous. Also, I don't know if you two noticed this, but the whole time ThickDick's been like cracking his knuckles and turning his head side to side. Also, I came up with a little jingle. Let me see if you like it. Can I get a thick, thick, dude? Is he smiling? Let me do it again. Let me get a thick, thick, dude.

Oh yeah, big old smile. Big old smile. He cracked his knuckles and he cracked his smile. That reminds me totally unrelated. We get so many emails asking for ring tones. Anyway, that doesn't mean anything. So Princess Benedict broke your heart? We get so many emails asking for ringtones. Anyway, that doesn't mean anything. So Princess Benedict broke your heart? Yes, when he refused to work any more on our endeavour to spawn

and it became quite clear that he was going to leave and go out on his own. He took the heart that I had procured from the Cursed Boy And he put it beneath his boot and he stomped on it and then he strode out Just smashed it into the floor. Yeah, I mean I mean his his version of Vance is a little different. I'm gonna be honest with you But there was something in there sort of stuck out to me that I wanted to ask a follow-up question about. The Cursed Boy? Yes, the Cursed Boy. Every village has a boy who is the most cursed, and in the last village that Benedict and I were in, performing a play, I decided it would be fun if I could procure the heart of the

Cursed Boy and give it to him as a present for our opening night. Oh, okay. All present for our opening night. Oh, okay. All right. Guys, I just realized something. You know how they always say, if you can't spot the Cursed Boy at the table, you're the Cursed Boy, I think we're Cursed Boys. Yeah, I think all of all three of us. I guess so. Definitely one of us.

Definitely one of us. Not it. Not it. Wait, what are the rules? Wait, what are the rules of what we're doing? So definitely one of us Definitely one of us, not it Aren't you buddy? Wait, what are the rules? Wait, what are the rules of what we're doing? Well, it's a very It's a very Thoughtful

Gift, I suppose Thought- thought-huffle Yeah, it's a thought-huffle gift Because you're giving something to one person Yet you're giving something to one person Yet you're taking the life of another in order to do it even though they are the cursed boy To be fair he was cursed to die in a horrible way and I made sure that that Happened that was his birthright and he achieved it. Okay, but maybe maybe he have died in a cursored way in his 80s.

Maybe he could have been the cursored elderly man. Yeah, I'm just saying, like had you not killed him, we don't know what may have become of him. Perhaps he would have passed his title of cursored boy onto his cursored son, and then he could have just been a normal guy who I don't know, worked at a bar or something, I don't know what is in there. I don't know what he does with his time, you know. Maybe like what he passes off the cursor's title though, you can do whatever he wants.

And they'd be like, hey, hey, come on, cursor boy, that's my dad, call me Kevin. Right, yeah, he could have just been Kevin. Would you kill a Kevin? Would you kill Kevin as he's walking Scoop booby? There's a skeleton right there with the label Kevin on it. Yes I make it a rule to always kill a Kevin always always Ah

Someday that's gonna cost her Almost there Kevin cost her mm-hmm Kevin cost her Either way, I got what I thought was a very beautiful and sentimental gift for someone who was important to me, and clearly it was not important to him. So as he stepped on the heart that I so violently got him, I took what was important to him, his stupid little manuscript. Oh, you do have it.

Of course I have it. Wow. And you kidnapped Tom Blaine Bellaroth. No, we've been over that. Damn. But yes, I did take his manuscript, and I'm not sorry about it. Wow. And you kidnapped Tom Blaine Bellaroth. No, we've been over that. Damn. But yes, I did take his manuscript, and I'm not sorry about it. Is it, have you read it?

Does it? Yeah, I've good. Because he was really high on, he was really talking it up. Can we, can we have the manuscript? As long as you promise that it will not get back in his hands to complete, because if he completes this, I shudder to think of the joy and happiness it would bring him. Oh, he just shuddered. What was that about?

I was thinking of the joy and happiness it would bring him. It pains me to say, but it is brilliant. But to be fair, you thought, woof was brilliant. And it kind of, how can I say this? And appropriately, wizardly way, sucked the big one. Was it you reveal your ignorance? You didn't understand it. Then explain it to me.

The Wolf is the primal sound within all of us. Aha. OK. Think about that. Why, after so many whoops that the main character then say more power? Because sometimes your primal scream is quiet when it's just the rage that simmers within and sometimes your wolf needs more power so that everyone in your path can quake with your primal screams. Hmm.

What about the neighbor? We never really got to see him. Yeah, why is it just him from the nose up? Behind it, behind defense. Are we Borlin' you? Sorry. Yvianan, we're Borlin' you? It's not that.

It's just that it's almost my tool time. Oh, yes, you have a wide array of tools in here. You could do a lot of improvements with these. Yes, it's my sharpening hour. Oh sharpening hour. Yes, every day I sit down and I sharpen my tools so that they're ready at maximum sharpness for whatever I need them for.

It's my tool time. So Princess Trachea, Eurelia Belorov, so your plan to, I guess, make everyone you with the help of Benedict didn't seem like it was working. If you don't, I know where I'm just making small talk here. What is your current plan to take over the Northeast? Well, if you must know, I'm at a bit of an impasse with my planning process. Because I haven't had to plan on my own in some time,

and now I find myself here trying to plan on my own and having to write plans on just one small sheet of paper when Benedict and I used to roll out one long sheet of paper and write on it together and now I may as well just plan on a post it because that's all the thoughts I have, just one post it's worth of thoughts. Oh, on your own, that sounds miserable. I'm sorry. It's fine. Uh, I must ask. You sent some winged minions off as we first arrived though. When they just, like, going to get groceries and stuff,

they're not really doing any nefarious tasks yet. I like to periodically send out my winged minions just so that people know that I'm still around and still scary. Yeah, just, yeah, I just put in a fear of the goddesses in there, am I understand that? Yeah, just, they circle around a few times. And people are like, ah, they coward and fear, yeah, I just put in the fear of the goddesses in there, and I understand that. Yeah, just, they circle around a few times, and people are like, ah, they coward and fear.

Yeah, that's a good plan. I like that. I, I have to say, a princess, I want to offer you an opportunity, once again, to change sides. Put all of your machinations towards the forces of good nation. Yes, sharpen your knives, but sharpen them against the forces of evil. Slit the throat of the forces of darkness and join us, and then you and your brother can rule the galaxy together as brother and sister. That sounds like a nightmare. All right.

The only joy I have left in my life is thinking about what it will feel like the day that I get to bathe my hands in Tom Blaine's blood. So no, I don't want to rule with him and sit down and have conversations with him about the different types of notes we should send out to everyone in town to make them feel special or whatever stupid, a haggie kissy, a lovie mumbo jumbo he would want to do. You ever thought about family therapy? Like maybe get everybody in room,

just like kind of talk some of this stuff out, you, your mom, your brother, just kind of like. Oh, I love family therapy. Arnie, have you ever done that? So what it is is it's a bunch of family members getting to a therapist's office. And then a therapist will say, like, what are your top seven problems?

And they'll be like, I don't know, maybe. Like a lack of communication. And then the therapist will go, show me lack of communication. Then it'll be like, and they'll be like, oh, dad, you fucking idiot. You get it. I do, I think so.

Why does someone accidentally say something dirty though? How does the therapist react? The therapist. Oh, the therapist. It flips out. Big old wide face. Big old wide face. I straight around the room.

Like, can you believe this? If I'm in that family, I'd be like, therapist, you fucking set me up for that. Don't pretend like you're not complicit in this dirty joke. Actually, Wizard, perhaps you're on to something. Perhaps I will invite Tom Blaine to sit down, meet me for some family therapy, and perhaps once we are in one room together, I will take out my knife and I will slit him end to end and I will take out his innards and I will wrap them around me like a scarf and I will chop off his head and put it on the pole like I have always dreamed. Slap his face.

That wasn't exactly what I was going for there. And for a moment, when I thought you had agreed to it, I was going to offer to be the Ineinvoy and to go to Tom Blade once we found him and say, Yes, do that. Yes, do that. Yes. Yes.

But I can't do that in good faith now, because I know it's just a plot to murder him. And now, if you and good faith wanted to have family therapy with him, I would go to him and say, your sister wants to reach out, she wants to learn. She wants to grow. Yes, I do. I want to learn and grow and learn what his insides look like and grow my collection. By hearing the things he says, you'd see what his insides look like because he would share his inner thoughts and feelings through the through speech. Of course. And then if I did not understand his words, I would look at his actual insides to see if that shed any light.

Yeah, mm-hmm. Anything. I feel like if she would just stop mid-sentence, her plan would work. Because user, are you just so ready to forget that other stuff? I really, I really want to make them, get back together. I really want to form them give back together. I really want to, you know, form a family unit that's stronger and better,

through, you know, working through your issues. But it seems like you're unwilling to make that step. No, I'm very open to your ideas. And if you sincerely want to bring Tom Blaine to me in a small enclosed space at a set time that we both know about and could easily Scout a location and have plans. I think that would be wonderful. Oh, it seems she does want to change Turn over a new leaf on me. I could I could help them come together for example. We could We could meet here at my cave

Wait a second. I just and I've I just had this revelation Wait a second. I just had this revelation sincerely. Those things that you were releasing, those were tabats or bats. They were two teas, bats with two teas. Okay, and they came out of this cave. Have you been camping out at the cave that to eventually become King, Tom Blaine would have to come to to do the bat dance. Yes. Why, Arnie? That would be positively diabolical of me, wouldn't it? You know what? I got her respect that she's got a plan. She thinks of achievable goals to get there.

Damn, she's got it on track. But please, if you see my brother or anyone who might be in contact with him, tell him how emotional I am and how lost I am and how scattered my mind is without a plan, please tell him. Oh, I shall share this information now that you have turned over a new thief. I shall bring the siblings, Bellaroth together and together they shall form a partnership stronger than air this kingdom has seen.

Oh, Wizard, you do me a kindness. And you do me an honor, by accepting the forces of goodness and light into your heart and helping us defeat the forces of evil. That is almost certainly what I'm agreeing to. Good enough for me. Well, before we go, because you know we can't stay in this cave all night. Why don't we do an email, Princess Trachea, Rayleigh Bellaroff, do you mind if we answer an email? As long as it's quick. You're cutting into my tool time. Let's see here. Here's an email from a listener. They say, hello, I just wanted to reach out and say that you all, those of you on and

off-mic are awesome. And I appreciate the comfort your show has provided me since 2015. I think Goblins was the first episode released once I'd started listening. So it sounds, Princess Tranky, really a beller off. It sounds like they've been listening since right around the time you were first on. Anyway, I just want to thank you for being there for me when I need you and demonstrating understanding for the time I needed a way. This show is so incredible and such an integral part of the person I've become.

You might like to know you've seen me through high school. 2015 was the spring of my junior year under grad, of 2019 grad school class of 2020 and now into my first year as a full-time high school teacher. Thank you thank you thank you for all that you do keep up the jokes and the good times get some rest drink some water and please stay healthy all the best Amy. That's so nice. Congratulations, Amy, and thanks for, I feel, oh my, you guys, I'm crying. I feel like we erased, Amy. I know. Amy, you done good, Amy. Three guys and a little lady who has now been the first year of teaching. Fuck, I'm old. We use our 100s and hundreds of years old. Yeah, that was unrelated to the email.

I'm over 300 years old, so it's just something I thought of. Yeah, it's not that you're old, it's at the podcast, is old. Yeah. Oh, podcast is, but a drop in the bucket of my life. Arnie, I have a cave male here. Do you run if I read it? Wouldn't you say that's a seamail? No, we're in a cave, so it's a cave male.

Oh, okay. This is from Rosanne. It says says hey guys. I'm Roseanne from Singapore Singapore isn't that karaoke bar? Mm-hmm. I really enjoy listening to your podcast P.S. I really like your voice and it sounds super sexy speaking to chunt. Wow. Oh I just ran and we went into my email and this is the only one I found Sean from now on should we start call referring to you as Roseanne from Singapore Here's a mead for you and a here's a stout for you and here's a poor a poor for everyone Sing while I pour to Singapore

We asked a hundred cousins What's the wettest thing on your wedding night? Oh? A po, a po, a po, for everyone. Sing while I pour, it's a sing-a-po. We asked 100 cousins, what's the wettest thing on your wedding night? No, no, see, that's the answer with champagne. You pervert. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. See, that's a trap, that is a trap. That's a parent trap.

It's not a parent. Well, anyway, if you want to email me, you can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.com. It's really a moral address,, if you want to email me, you can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's really a moral address. And if you want to email Chun, what's your email address? It's Chun with 6Ts at gmail.com. And if we refine them again, if you want to ask a question for Tom Blaine Bellaruff, include that in the email as well. What is his email address?

Oh, he does. I mean, they can email us. If you, they can email us and then we'll pass it along. Yeah, also, if you have any emails or suggestions for Scoot booby, you can email those to me. Or if you have any thoughts or little jingles, you can send those to me as well for ThickDick. Let me get a ThickDickDood. And just to be clear, those emails go to John. Do not send those emails to Magic tavern at puppies that supplies.

We asked a hundred brother-in-laws. What's the hardest thing in your parents? F-C. My nuts. Unrelated, and I've said this to you before, Chunt. Do not become a therapist. Mm-hmm, we'll see. Uh, Prince is tricky. A really a belleroth?

Should we invite listeners to send us email questions for you as well? Please. By all means, send in your queries, however dark they may be. Alright, I've some listeners will take that as a challenge. And if you want your cave to look like Tricky or Relius, you can probably pick up the latest issue of Betterbohen the Garden. It's gonna be the same fucking thing. Yeah, none of this shit I suppose.

She's so basic. So basic. Anyway, none of this shit is best. Oh, can she so basic, so basic. Anyway, on behalf of myself, Yusunor, Princess Trachea, Eurelia Bellarov, and Rosanne from Singapore, this has been hello from the Magic Tathering. What are these pumpkin spice chains on the wall? Oh, I can't believe she's doing it.

And so, another piece drops into place within the carefully constructed puzzle we've been revealing week after, oh are we live again? Sorry just reading one of the episode descriptions from Wolf 359. Well this was fun right? And even kind of interesting, like when you drop a box of straws all over the floor, every so often they make a beautiful pattern. Other times it's just a mess. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy.

Princess Trakia Orrelia Bellaroth was played by special guest Megan O'Neal. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Sage GC, Special Assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. For a version of this episode where scoop boobie has been replaced with whatever phrase the patient staff on the Irwolf Legal Team provide, watch our social media, or call the

hotline created during this episode specifically for people wrestling with whatever feelings the phrase Scoop Booby may summon. Just call 1-800. There may have been some other numbers. Just feel it out. I love you, even while you're wearing that. And behaving the way you do. Otherwise, it's unconditional.

Minus a few things I'll tell you about when you're ready. Hear love!