Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 88 - Casino (w/ Ify Nwadiwe)

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

The gambling parlors are setting odds on the next ruler of the Northeast, with a little help from master gambler Five Finger Flint Gustoon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFive Finger Flint Gustoon: Ify NwadiweMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

People of Earth, if you'll excuse me, just putting the finishing touches on this GoFundMe campaign. Remember, great things happen when we all come together, so by donating whatever you can, as a community we will finally be able to provide beginner level improv classes for... Matt Young. There we are! Community Service O is cleanses the spirit. And of course, any donation you can manage will be gladly accepted.

And should that take the form of a three-hour intensive on sharing focus? I am NOT choosy. Look at that, your fundraising goal has been met! Class is in session. Right after comedy comes back to Chicago, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host Arnie Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and a month and some change ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I used that to upload a podcast chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and more recently, our time in the Northeast and the town of Northeastia trying to help Prince Tom Blaine bellow off become King, although also trying to find him. I am joined as always by my co-host, Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the Elves Nomeus Fying Yalak, the Dwarves Nomius Zonen in Huk Stenges, and I am known in the northeast as gasmanius Mastar. And there may be many other secret names that Shunair escaped my lips for if they were ever to be uttered aloud. Their sheer destructive power would shatter every eardrum in all of Foon food and then everyone would have to get a different instrument. A different instrument? A different ear instrument.

What are some of the most popular ear instruments in the film? Like an ear trumpet or an ear tambourine or an ear kazoo. Okay, a harmon earcah. Harmon earcah? Oh, I am sorry, I've also joined by my other co-host, Roseanne from Singapore. Arnie, I'm telling you, that's not me. I mean, yes, I have a sexy voice, but that wasn't me writing that email. My name is Chant the Shape Shifter! That's true. Chant the Shape Shifter, he's mostly a talking badger.

In Ornie, I got you a present, close your eyes. Uh, okay. Now open them. Okay, now they're open. Look, look down. I got you the cutest dog and I put him in a tuxedo and I named him Scoop booby. No, no, this is a Scoop. Remember how we were talking about Scoop booby?

I do, first of all, I thought Scoop booby was dead, but oh, okay, well, I guess I'll go kill this dog. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't kill the dog. Well then him and Sans can get married. I left my eyes open the whole time. Is that all right? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. Okay. I mean, even when your eyes are closed, you can still see, right? Yeah, absolutely. How do you sleep then? Oh, I sleep with two eyes closed, but all eyes looking, staring forward into the universe,

looking for the trues, the greater trues, that will help us defeat evil in all its forms. Oh, the greater trues. You know what, I don't need this shit. That was the last straw. That was the last straw. I had all the trues. All right.

So, Choner, you sang the dead cat that was brought back to life by dark necromanant powers. You're going to try to get it to marry a living dog named Scoop Boopie. Scoop Boopie. Oh, I'm so sorry. Scoop Boopie? That's a dumbest fucking name I've ever heard. It's not a good name for a dog. That name's aww.

Oh fuck. That terrible name. Scoop poopy? No, Arnie. Scoop poopy. It just rings of elegance. That's why I put him in a tuxedo. And he's yours. What?

How did you afford this dog? I gave all my money to Princess Trayke Eurelia last week. Yeah, all of our coins, which depict Prince Dombling belleroth, a breastfeeding as a child. Which I'm honestly saying, forget the dog, we should call these coin scoop booby. Why? I don't even know where that's going. How do I put the dog?

Guys, I keep trying to tell you, everything's free when you steal it. Oh, that's very true. But that's why we're here. I don't want to steal anything. I want to use my cunning and my incredible intellect to win these games of chance

here in this gambling den known as the roosters Left foot The roosters left foot. Yeah, wasn't the rooster in a wheelbarrow? Yeah, the rooster was in a wheelbarrow and his left foot's hanging out Because traditionally, aren't you may not know this being from earth, but in Foon, the rooster's right foot is bad luck. Oh, mm-hmm.

Ooh, Arty, come over here. Let me just grab him, okay? And, ooh, snake eyes, ha ha, let me go again. Ah, snake eyes, hoo-hoo, one more time. Snake eyes, ha, I love playing snake eyes. Ernie, do you want to touch him? They just came out? No, no, I don't want to touch those snake eyes.

Well, what sort of game of chance do you enjoy, Arnold? They have all of your favorites, like smack them, snake eyes. You want to play rootlet? How does rootlet work? You spin the wheel, and the wheel will magically land on an insult towards you. And then depending on how you take it, you either win or lose.

I feel like I'm going gonna lose it this either way. You have to let it. It's rude. You have to let it. You have to let it. You have to let it insult you. And if you don't, you lose. Oh, the house always wins. But there's a whole manner of gambling here.

I'd say we could go anywhere we want and bet on anything you can imagine. So you said what you're saying is, we are almost entirely out of coin and your solution is let's gamble. That's right. Ooh, all right. That's how I'm going to win off Fortune Back.

Ooh, my goddesses, they have cake out. I'm gonna go play cake out, I'll be right back. That's a good game because you can push and play for a long time and cake. Yusador, I'm a little bit worried about Rosam from Singapore. I feel like, who? Oh, Sean, I'm a little bit worried about Sean. He has. I feel like... Who? Oh, Sean, I'm a little bit worried about Sean. He has no impulse control.

Who needs impulse control, you idiot? Ugh! Ugh, yeah. Uh, Sean, Sean. Huh? Why, I was just pushing the dealer. Yeah, I know, I'm just sad. I almost knocked him down.

What? I'm a little bit worried about Yusador. Why? He has no impulse control. Kick to the... BANG! GAH! Ugh! Look! Look over there. That board. He has no impulse control. Kick to the- BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Look! Look over there. That board. All those names. They're betting on who's going to come the new... ...regent in charge of all of the Northeast. Over this kingdom of the Belarus. Is this whole thing a royal politics watch to change?

To change. Indeed. To change. Uh, uh, excuse me, sir. Sir, I have to ask, how do I bet on who's going to be the next Regent here in the Northeast? Well, all you can do is just walk up, pick a name, and give us the call. What the-

And whoever gets the crown next. I'm sorry, what the f- F- Aren't you used it or- What the f- Is this some sort of joke? What do you mean? Did you hear this guy's voice?

It's smooth as silk. So you're telling me the end of last episode Somebody wrote in from Singapore, Rosanne. It said I have the sexiest voice. And then this motherfucker talks. That's the f- F- The sexiest thing I've ever heard. This guy's voice.

Yeah, super sexy. Let's go listen to this. Oh, I can't listen to this. No, it's all right. It's all right. You're still. This is unfair. Did you guys pay this guy?

Did you guys pay this guy to sound this good? Obviously. Why is your natural impulse when you hear a sexy voice to immediately say, what the fuck? Because I'm used to being the sexy voice. Sir, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Yes.

So the way this works is you just place coins towards the bus and you think we'll have the crown necks. And when they are crowned, we deal out the coins. Lots of good names. Got front runners like Princeton Blaying, Princess Trescio. Really, oh, she's in the running. She's in the running. She'd be very excited to hear that. Oh, yeah, there's also, you know, some some deep cuts like Sir Scoutinton from Scoutsville. You know, he. Yes, and can I just, sorry, can I just say it's,

it's so nice to meet you. My name is Chant. What is your name? Will they call me Fafinger Flid Ghosts, too? Nice to meet you. That's a great name. Yeah. That's a good name.

Now, I must ask you, Fafinger, is there any chance that you have decided who to bet on yet? I saw you here by the board and I wondered if who you were putting your money down. I'm kind of scooping out the same. I'm really, you know, I'm really seeing it. I mean, because a lot of things could happen. Same princess ratio starts to get, you know, next in line for some reason, whatever. And then all of a sudden, you know, you got Sir Scudenton coming over here and being Mary's ear and now he is technically the king. Oh, there's a double pal. You do it right back. You found Princess Stratia answer Scudent Oh, I mean, I think it's far more likely that she would murder anyone who tried to marry her, but you never know, it's anything's possible, right?

Oh, yeah, with enough romance, with enough romance, anything's possible. Oh, especially, it's so scooting to these, he's known because he rides his horse in a different, in a particular way, where he hangs off of one side and then lets his feet graze the ground on his tippetose. So his calves are fangin'. He has some big calves. It sounds like he can't get on his horse.

There are whispers and rumours that that's what's going on, but if you see the calves, you're like, maybe that's on purpose. It does sound like he's like holding onto the saddle and his body is just laying limply. I mean, one time he drew on the ground using his toes. It was a bunch of circles as the horse ran in circles. And so some have recorded that as the spheres of destiny. Oh, so yeah. See, I always heard that the reason that he rode that way

was because he wanted the horse to not feel alone. And that's even where the name of the town comes from, Scoutesville, because he scouts his little tippy toes across the ground along with his horse. Exactly. And then, you know, how could someone like Princess Treyshire fall in love with a caring man like that? I mean, she seems the best of me,

based on everything I've seen, and you know, I've glance from afar and never too close. I he is very handsome. Ah, honey, have we ever been to Scootsville? I don't think so, no. And you know, honestly, I don't think I've ever heard of so much. Oh, you've got to go. You've got to get out there. I mean, when you get out there, they have the best soup. I know for their soup. Oh, their soup is amazing. They put every type of vegetable in it. Oh, yeah, vegetables you wouldn't even think should go and soup.

Even carrots? Even carrots. Ornie, can you imagine? You and Scoop-Ooby and Scoots-Fill eaten soup. Just a couple of soups eating soup and Scoots-Fill scoop-Ooby. That's it, everyone on top of now. And can we both agree that our voices are as smooth as a shark's penis? Yes.

I mean, I've never seen the penis of a shark, but I'll agree with you blindly. Yes, we have. To the smoothest voice. Yes, being well. Oh, yeah, definitely. Sir Scuddington is interesting, but I am very interested in the King of Elder Flowers, who's actually a mystical being who lives in the forest and apparently wants to ascend to the actual throne of the Northeast, who I was assumed would just sort of like hang

out and smell flowers and maybe drink dew. I didn't hear the... When's the last time you saw him? About 150 years ago. Yeah, because there's a big room around. He's dead as hell. Oh, no. Snap.

I mean, that happened to Monk. Monk was like, I'm a forest guy. I'm in a forest. I'm trying to find me, trying to hang with the satires and then the hells and such. And I was like, all right, you do that, huh? And he's been dead for a long time, but we just assumed he was just in the forest.

But eventually, the tax people found his body. Oh, sure, they always do, right? Yeah. The two things you can count on in life, death and taxes. Exactly. Well, if I figure I know we've just met, but I'm so sorry to hear that your uncle is dead as hell.

Oh, no, it's fine, I bet on it, and I won. Oh we've just met but I'm so sorry to hear that your uncle is dead as hell. Oh, no, it's it's fine I bet on it and I won Yeah, everyone was like he is a lot of them like how betcha he's dead. I'm glad you're enjoying if I was right So I came up bankrupted my father that way. Oh, oh, yeah, we're gambling family. We've come from a long line of gamblers That's where the nickname five finger comes from, because my dad was four fingers because he lost a bet and he lost a finger. I took that same bet, who's gets the nastiest teafling.

He thought I couldn't guess how old he was, but see, I got a technique. Ooh, if you look close at the base of a teafling's horns, you can see some light indentation. And if you look at enough horns, you'll be able to get a ballpark estimate of the years. Then I use certain questionings of the certain ongoing based on kingdoms,

but like deep cut stuff, you know, older things, and then I kind of get closer. And then I just take a guess. I guess right. I never knew that technique. It's very interesting. Yeah. And Arnie, have we told you about ball parks?

It's where you play a baseball. Have you played baseball? Have we played baseball with you? Have we played baseball with you, Arnie? No, I really, I have a hunch that I don't want it. I don't want to play. You got to play. Oh, you got to play.

Yeah, you have to play. It's super fun. All you do is stand around in a circle and you throw a ball as hard as you can at the opponent's face. And they have to try to catch it before it hits them in the face. It's Foon's greatest pastime. And there's that song that goes with it? Yes. Take me down to the face, ball bits,

where the balls hit you in the face ball bits with a balls hit you in the face if you stand in place you go to the race you got some balls you can taste. Da da da da da. Ah, beautiful. I usually go just to hit on the hot dogs. Oh yeah, I mean, they're not like scoop booby. There are some really sexy dogs at the ballpark. Nothing like a ballpark dog.

Sure. Oh yeah, no. Look, I'm not a dog person, not a dude, but I'm a man with eyes. And I've seen some thicked up dogs, you know, very muscular. And I'm like, if I was a dog, and be an eligible dog to mate with, mm-hmm, yeah, yeah.

Why not? Have you ever bet on a Facebook game? Oh, the time. Well, that's, I'd say my secondary source of income is Facebook bets. Go down, you know, the first form of income is scalping Facebook tickets. That's, you know, I get the tickets and I make fake ones and people are able to get

into it. So you're not really scalping the tickets. You're just counter-fitting the tickets. You're making good tickets that work for people to enter the game. It sounds like a service. Wow. Yeah, there's no way to verify it, no system where they wouldn't be able to check it against records, maybe using some kind of magical source to scan it. Yeah, everybody can just kind of walk in there. You don't even really get by a ticket. Ticket, yeah. If you buy a ticket, you're kind of a shithead.

You know, some people are worried about the honor system, so you always catch some paladins as such, coming in here, wanting to buy tickets and be honorable. I'm like, oh, you're fun. Are you ever worried about getting on the wrong side of the evil source through the ticket master? Oh a hundred percent. I actually have a strong bet on that. If the ticket master kills me, I do win a million gold. Oh, wow. Can we see your death bet ball like? Oh, yeah. There's quite a few death bets I have just based on many ways that I can die. If I die to a dragon, then I'm paid out of 5,000 gold. If I die from a rogue cobalt, that's going to be about 20 gold pieces. If I happen to get hit by a random fireball,

that's gonna be 10 gold pieces for me. Can I ask what if it's a very deliberate fireball? Yeah, an intentional fireball. Oh, that bumps it up to 50. Oh, and then there's like a little bit of like, if all of my friends seem to get busy and we don't find time to ever go on adventures again, then I get one gold piece.

Oh, yeah, for being dead inside. Not worth it. I'll be honest with you. As a wizard who likes to shoot fireballs at people who really piss me off, I occasionally I'll write someone's name on it. I'll just, I'll take my finger and I'll stick it right in that ball of fire and I'll say, this one's for you, Ony. You're in trouble now, you son of a bitch. Wait, why is this scenario we have to involve you killing me with a fireball? It was just an example. It was just an example of how I might kill someone with a very intentional fireball. But I've also seen you throw some real random

ones. Like I remember you threw a fireball with a beret on it and jean shorts and I was like so fucking random. Yeah, and then there's all these Watch out watch out. Oh This is why I like talking to people this is a hundred percent why I like talking to people Because I didn't know that you could do that. I didn't know you could put so now I got to put in a new bet to see how much I Make it if I got hit with a, you know, fireball with my name on it. Monogrammed. Monogrammed fireball. Yes, monogrammed fireball.

You see, that's the weird business over here. So are you all going to bet on one of the next heirs to the throne or y'all just a window better? Well, I've been looking while we were talking and I am very interested. You said the King of Elder Flowers is probably dead. That's not bad. But I think if I have to bet on the next air, I might have to choose Scrumblebum. Oh, Scrumblebum, that's such a great bet right there. Scrumblebum from Cryptopia is too usual, but a strong two.

And long time, yeah, there's lots of times you'll have situations where kingdoms will just want a unite, so they will, you know, patrol the two year old. And sure, it's a long play. You'll have to wait for a while, but you will know you have money on the way. Yeah, to the hard way.

He's to the hard way. Five fingers, one, I've given up trying to mimic your sultry voice Oh, you you win that so here's five coin that I owe you give me one second You owe me five gold pieces of was a big boy Damn it. I told you I told him the smoothest is only one shark penis shark penis in this place. He's a good place. Okay. So he has any shark penis? Yeah, yeah, no, I had to, I look when I'm in the bed, I have to play dumb with every.

Of course, of course. And then I would like to cash out my bet that I made that he would refer to his regular garbage voice before we got to the first break. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. So let me, let me pay you out. That's gonna be about 15 gold pieces for you. Oh, yeah, yeah. A lot of people didn't believe it.

It seems like you were on doubt. And then, sorry, part two for me is in this pool, the royalty pool, I wanna put, I wanna put 33 gold on myself. What? Interested. My mom always told me to bet on myself. I like this.

I like this a lot. The best bet you can ever make. Wait, to be king? You think you might be the next king of the northeast? I mean, look at the odds. Tornaj! I guess he's writing him in right now. Put a new name on the list.

Yup. It's, it's chun't the shape shifter. What are the odds on that? Yeah, right now. Well, look at you, Joe. It's like everyone believes in you. I think it's the interesting name. We've mostly been going based off of names

and not through the fact. And it looks like you're shooting towards the top right now. Wow, what are the odds? 100 to one. What are the odds of that? I said, 100 to one, I just... But I'm saying, like, what are the odds? 100 to 1. What are the odds of that? I said 100 to 1, I didn't see. But I'm saying like, what are the odds? But what are the odds? 100 to 1's.

What have been 100 to 1? But I'm saying, what are the odds? Oh, that's a 51 odds that it would be 100 to 1. 100 to 1. Okay, thank you, thank you. That's all I wanted to know. That's all I wanted to know. How much trade do you do in odds on odds?

You know, it's all over the place here. We're wild. We've been drinking. Like right before the odds come out, there's just a flurry of the yellow and there's on what the odds will be. There is a wizard next to the betting boards that slows down time so that you can make a bet on the second on the second on the second so that you can keep updating the odds as time passes.

It was a man who's been here for a thousand years. Oh, I bet it's can, can the wizard. It's probably can the wizard. He's a master of space and time, right? Oh, yeah. He's also a terrible bore, but that aside, now that you say that the names are the primary reason that they're making it on to the board here. That makes a lot of sense to me because Wundertinkled the goat lady, I thought, was a really odd choice, but now that you said it was mostly based on name, I mean it's...

Oh yeah, 100%. Also, you know, King imagine Wundertinkled the goat lady wearing the crown. I mean, just the sight, but to smile on your face and his this worth however much money I might have lost on that. Yeah, I can imagine her eating a crown. Yes, yes. I'm in a joke. Oh no, I'd love to hear more about Wondertinkle, the goat lady. I don't know if any of you can sort of fill me in on their story. Well, she's about 17 feet tall.

She's a go-a lady. And she's sort of covered in a magical shimmer, golden shimmer. And that's where she got the name Wanda Tinkle. And she often sells jewelry that she makes at the ocean, down at the beach. And she's a go-a lady in terms of, she's one of the greatest of all-time ladies. Yeah, absolutely.

And a go. Yeah, it's a good. I mean, back in the days, you know, I went on. We went on one day. I kind of fell apart immediately because we just couldn't decide. I wanted to go to this new tavern that had a nice herb roasted chicken. Oh, yeah. And it was very succulent with a side of potatoes.

Oh, that's cool. A nice piece of bread where you can sop it up. Yum yum. Yeah, and she wanted to eat grass. Can I tell you, can I tell you probably your biggest mistake there? Oh, what was that? The only one on one date.

Of course, things are going to end this true. What a strange question to Ponda. if you don't go on a second Yeah, what are the odds of going on a second date with I want to tinkled the goat lady I have to say zero right cuz it didn't happen if you don't mind Let's ponder on some lost love right now. Is there any disconnections that any of you three? Is there any disconnections that any of you three can think of? Oh, five fingers. I have recently suffered a heartbreak. It is hard to describe. I and the other wizards. We met in a wizard's council and I crossed my lady love, gently via the red, and now she is furious with me. And all of the other was, it's won't speak to me.

Even my protégé, and it's fine. I feel fine about it. I'm doing fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go monogram some fireballs.

Five finger, I don't want to say this too loudly because I don't want to draw attention to it Can I cash in my bet that you said or would cry before we get the result? That's gonna be fun and I'm going to say Give me the you know those 10 goals. I said I could get one of these guys ponder on love You know we all love love around here. Yeah, that's Tingo we bet on that boy is when the house always I want a bet on the house. Oh, I want go. We bet on that. Always win. We bet on the house always win. I was always win.

I want to bet on the house. Oh, woo. I want to bet the house on the house. Oh, I need you to step in the executive basement for that bet. Ooh, la la, I'm gonna get my fingers broken. All right, hey, let's take a quick break. Can I say a break?

I think, because I think we've achieved all of my bets that would happen before the break. Let's take a quick break and when we come back, let's maybe go to the executive basement. So we're still at the casino, the roosters left foot, but now we're in the executive basement. I feel very fancy. It's the executive basement. This is where all the hot stakes bets go down. So what you can see, we have a bet in place for the house

on the house. You do know what happens when you bet against the house directly and put the house up for bets, like that bet. I mean, I guess I don't fully know. I mean, as far as I know, the house always wins, so this is a foolproof bet. Yes, but this is of you without fingers. Okay, do I want to bet my fingers against the guy? You think we're up to his father? What do you see? Chatty, wanna borrow some of my fingers?

Ooh, do you have any despair? Yeah, I have 10, and they'll just grow back. I'm a wizard. Give me, bro, I don't want to be greedy. Give me 28. 28, all right, here you go. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! There's the first 10. And then, Arnie, can I get three from you? No, so I can get this one finger. See this one? You have one finger, see? Oh, give me back my foot. Hold, it's still attached to me.

Stop pulling my middle finger. Arnie, as you were minding me in the last episode, this is an audio format, and no one knows what finger you were pointing at him. I was cheekily extending my middle finger on my... I can't... Was it left or right? I got to do an L shape with my hand. It was the right.

Wow, look at down here in the executive basement. Arnie, look, there's paintings of all the baseball grates. There's baby tears. Oh, oh, yeah. Head Williams. Yeah. No one crying. What a baby. The grates that's what I'm talking about. Snacky Robinson. Snacky. Oh, no one of you quite like snacky. Ooh, Boo Bear Pig. He, oh, he died of Boo Bear Pig's disease. Hank Barron. Hank. Hank. Hank. Hank. Hank. Hank. Hank. Hank. Bear pig he oh he died of who bear pigs disease Hank baron Did he have any kids? Well, he was a baron. He was a baron who was also Really made for rough Gain

Is this painting Mickey dismantle? Yeah, how'd you know already? Oh, I guess right there Yeah, and also it's a giant mouse taking something apart So I excuse me excuse me. Can I get a rainbow bowl over here? Can I get a drink? Can I get a rainbow bowl? Yeah, so serve them a drink and of course, you know Sammy so so he was also He shouldn't be allowed in here, I don't think yeah Oh, there's also a Lark the Lire. Yeah, Lark the Lire.

He told everyone he was great at the game and turned out he wasn't. But everyone just believed him. They took him at face value. Derek Jester. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And over there is Johnny Bench, not even a painting of him. Yeah, he's just serious. He's so good with a table.

He loves a base, waiting tables. You lose enough Facebook, you know, and now you's just here. He's over with a table. He loves a bag, waiting tables. You know, you lose enough Facebook, you know, and now you're down here. He's a two-seater. Yeah. So you're gonna put the fingers on the line is that we're gonna do? Yeah, I'm gonna put, let's look, I have 28 fingers, if Arnie's not willing to give anymore.

So, oh, wait, I see this. What's that sign over there on the wall? It says no magic fingers Accepted are those magic fingers out? Fuck I was occupied. Are you fucking in the dark? I'm sorry. I would just like to read signs. You know me I did not know those were magic fingers. I'm sorry. I didn't know here I can take my fingers back though even though the new ones have started to grow back already I'll just stick these on top of the little tiny ones. I'm starting to grow Yeah, we're gonna be the real thing. Are you willing to make this bad? Oh, Chuck?

He wants some of the fingers out of my bag of fingers that aren't magic. Oh, yeah, wait hold on. How did you get those again? Different means is this also why you're named bag on me thingies Different means? Is this also why you're named? Bagel Miefingies? Shh. What if I bet a secret name? Do those count? You can't have one of my secret names.

There are so many of them. They're so powerful, and I dare not other them allowed. That spices it up. Oh, he seems interesting. You would accept a secret name as offer for this bet? Oh, oh yes, 100%. Is Archie known to the gamblers as pool holes? All bet pool holes.

Okay. You'll bet pool holes and then I'll put my name, five finger flint, got stewed on the line. Ooh. I would love to have that name. Well, it's time to go. I think he just has to leave. No, no, no.

No, we're going even further down. Oh, thank God, as is I was like, that sucks, I just lost. We're going to the cobalt pits. It's cobalt prize fighting. We find some furok cobalt and we lock them in a cage and one that lives is the winner. Should I get my rainbow bowl, or can I get another drink down there?

Should I be here? Yeah, down there, there's not rainbow bowls. Okay. I'm gonna I'm just gonna run to the bar. I'll be right behind you. Yeah, just pit use down there. I don't know if I'm Arnie. I don't know if I want to go down. To see legal cobalt fights. Who said who said the illegal word? Well, didn't might like the term, not quite actually above the board kind of, actually legal, not really, no, not legal kind of, but you know,

that's what we prefer. Wasn't Michael victorious, who did out of gambling for this? Yeah? He did face some fines and face ball, but you know, he's at his redemption You know, he had his redemption even though the barbed Pink was very mad when he when he was Transferred to the baseball team of her hometown and it was a real big thing as long as it's not illegal I guess I'm willing to go down. Yeahi do you ever tell you about the bod pink? No, everyone loved it so much that they wrote her name on the butt because her name was so juicy

I've been meaning to ask you you saw why you why it said pink as a lot pink Arnie, do you see what it says on the butt of my sweat pants my butt is down here stink? Wait wait what but the air is pointing My butt is down here. Stink. No. Wait, wait, what? But the air is pouring. My butt is down here. You know how guys are always looking at the back of your head and you had to be like, hey, my butt's down here, fellas. You know, come on, you know.

All right, let's go down to those fights. All right. What sweaty and smoky down here. Oh yeah. Wow, so many nefarious characters. Oh yeah, this is where the big stakes come at hand. I have never seen so many eye patches in one room. Yeah, there's a guy over there with two eye patches.

Wow, oh look at that, Arneus, the 1908 White Hawks. They're notorious for throwing bats. Don't worry, we're safe. Oh, no, no, see, let my friend Tom Bravy pass by. You know, he's down here. Hey, hey, let go of the faceballs. Don't, don't stop. Stop taking the air out of the faceballs.

Come on now. Come, come. We gotta use not the way to play. Not not the way to play I don't even really like or follow face ball but I know I just don't like that guy something about him Warren we haven't even told you about the face balls Moichin Dising is that guy with the two eyepatchers is that guy a cyclops? yeah yeah he has no reason to have those they're kind of on the side of both his one eye on each side. So he's not really blocking anything with the eye badges.

It's a great, a fashion statement. Are they like horse blinders or what are those things are called? Like just to focus. Yes. Well, I don't know if this is a proper environment for scoop booby. Well, don't worry. We'll just watch it. Just watch it.

One match. Get this bet out the way and then we'll go back off and go booby that reminds me five finger I would like to place a bet and my collateral is this a adorable dog in a tuxedo all right although can I ask when the house gets a live thing as like collateral what what happens to it? What do you do with it? Well, we go to the roosters left orphanage, and we have them there for a bit, and usually

we will try and pair them with a nice gambling family battle, teach it how to gamble, get it really, really set into the gamblers life and hopefully receive them on the floor someday. I hate to think what happens at the worst of right orphanage. Oh, I murder someone. Oh no. Yeah, it's just murder. That sounds about right.

I've got to say it's a general rule and take it or leave it, but I wouldn't use the word left in an orphanage name. If I were you, I wouldn't use the term take it or leave it when talking about orphans. You know, we have many thoughts on orphans, and I have many bets. On the fact that we'd be talking about orphans, rubbing my money.

Ah, you gotta go. Oh, that good. The house always wins. The house always wins. The house, look, I gotta say say as I saw you're walking up, I put in 150 different bets. And the many ways this conversation might go as a matter of fact, I just want the bet.

The bet was that I'd be able to get y'all down here to bet on the cobalt fights. The cobalt aren't real, we got little no, we got the items, the items, the names on each other's shoulders come on come on this is all above the board you look who did we do you think I'm a guy who does something illegal no you're just lost the bet and that's my name now you're gonna give me my secret name now okay here you sort of write down your secret name and give it to him all right I'll write it down in my blood so that it

transfers over to him. Get a smell. Yeah, we have potholes. There you are. Can I ask why are callball fights legal but known fights are not illegal. Yeah, who gives a shit about this? it's technically a sanctioned physticuffs just in the costume. So that's how we kind of skirt it. But, you know, it is a weird loophole, but, you know, I was like, I kind of thought of it when I was building it out. By the way, I'm so glad we did do this because if we never came down here, they'd get real hot. But since you've walked into Rister's left foot, they've been down here in costume waiting for us to been down here in costume waiting for us to come down here.

It seems like a lot of theatrics on the chance that three strangers may walk up and perhaps want to see these things. So I'm very impressed. And we have all these things ready to go. That is the beauty of Betton Bobby. You haven't even seen there, there are other rooms with much more intricate costumes.

Show us. Tony, let's go to the underwater room. Oh, go away, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water.

They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water.

They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water.

They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get out the water. They can get If they were to hold their breath, so let's say the amount of time that we've been together today.

Uh-huh. Would you think they'd still dead? Yes. They did? Dead? Yeah. Probably dead. So we're saying like 40 minutes, give or take,

how much time gets that due now? Plus the ad. OK. Yeah. Oh, the ad. Oh, they're dead. Yeah, they're dead. Oh, oh, did. OK. This is all I'm in

Five finger take five finger time you said you saw me yeah, you sir. Yeah, how bad do you want that name five finger because I think I have a bet Oh, I'd like it very much You know, I just picked in one of these rooms and it's it looks like a griffin orgy But it's just something else dressed up like a Griffin having an orgy. Five fingers? Yes, yes, yes. Would you be willing to bet your name, Five Fingers, against ten gold? Oh, yeah.

I've bet my name against less, let's go. Okay, you sir, you sir, quick. Make a bunch of tiny bushes pop up around my bed. I want to hedge it. Okay. Arach, Arach, Arach, Arach, Arach, Arach. One, hedge my bets. And so, five fingers, here we go. I bet you that you're going to win this bet.

Oh, oh, oh. I think you found a loophole. The gambless paradox. Oh, no. God. This is going to be like the end of Poltergeist. This whole place is going to disappear in itself. Oh no. God. Is this gonna be like the end of poltergeist? Is this old place gonna disappear in itself? You win. Yes. Because I definitely did put a bet that you would make a bet where you would bet that I would win the bet if I wanted

and then when you did it you were gonna make your wizard friend hatch the bets by then producing those so I have officially won the bet thus losing your bet. Oh, I think you're psychic. I think you can see the future. I don't think, I think if you can know all these things are happening, you must have incredible mental powers that you want to weigh out of.

I was gonna say a similar thing. I think you've got a gambling problem. There's a world in which both those things are true, but if I were to be psychic, it's something I definitely couldn't or should admit to since that would be an ethics issue, me owning a casino and betting on things to come like who's gonna take the crown,

making certain events happen so that certain, deep cut people at the bottom of the next to the throne bumps up way higher than they should. I am frankly totally problematic that you're winning money from your own casino, but forget that. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I feel like we're all blowing past what five finger just said. Although actually do we still call you five finger? Did you lose your name? I am about to chop my finger off to become full of finger. Oh just like your father. Wait, wait, wait name doesn't mean you have to cut off a finger.

You can just change your name to anything. I mean, you could take Scoop Booby or Scoop Booby. Please take, take both. From this day forward, I'm Scoop Booby. Thank you so much. Well, don't thank me because... Why are you okay? So listeners, keep your eye on your podcast feed. Thank you so much. Well, don't thank me, because... Why are you okay?

So listeners, keep your eye on your podcast feed, and in the future, if you ever see an episode titled Scoop Poopy, guess who's back? Well, I would even be willing to cut some sort of deal with you. I have plenty of names, and the fact that I won, a rather than chunk one on my behalf, is satisfaction enough for me. I gladly gift you your name back. All right, my name is Five Fingers Scoot Poopy. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Damn, the perfect voice. And the perfect name. So, can I refill those drinks? I feel like I've had a good day of betting, and I think I'm gonna turn it in. Yeah, I'd love another rainbow bowl, if you don't mind. Oh, you don't keep the rainbow bowls going as a matter of fact. All your drinks for the rest of the day are on me.

Oh, cops, love it. Ah, yes. Now, I have to go check on the dwarves in the underwater room for a little bit. We'll be right back. You don't need to check on them. They're dead. What is death? What is death? Exactly. I think he's referring to, if you look over on this other wall, there's the, what is death board? Or you can bet on what definitively is death? I'm gonna put one coin down on the undiscovered country. Oh, well, yes. Okay, I'm discovered country, I like that.

I'm gonna put one coin down then on the final frontier. All right. I'm gonna stack your bet on top of this large mound of bets. I'm sorry, we're betting on what is death? What is death? Yes. We've got a few options, Nemesis, Insurrection, Wrath of Con. What is death?

The motion picture. You know, I'm gonna set this one up. I feel like I haven't watched enough of these bets. Fair enough. It has been a pleasure making your acquaintance. I feel like I haven't watched enough of these bets. Fair enough. It has been a pleasure making your acquaintance, and we have learned so much here in the roosters left foot that I believe that your prediction methods may predict the next region to sit upon the throne of the northeast.

And I would like to make my final bet. I am going to put 100 coins on Tom Blaine Bellarock. And I want to put one coin on Tom Blaine, but not as a prediction as a post-diction. All right. So that bet only stands a few words. I will play to decide as a post-diction. Thank you. I that bet only stands a few words. I will play to decide as a post-diction. Thank you.

I'm being smarter with my bets, I feel. Yes, yes. We started blue past this a second ago, but I could swear five finger suggested. Say the full name. Five finger scoop poopy. I do. Thank you. Thank you.

That he's been tampering with the odds a little bit of who would be the next ruler of the Northeast. So I'm just saying hypothetically, if that were true, if a large number of bets were coming in for Tom Blaine to be the next king, would that mean that the house would be more motivated to try to do something bad to Tom Blaine feller off? I cannot confirm Lord and I that, but I would say you seem to have what we'd like to call around these places, gamblers logic. Oh, oh, does that mean I shouldn't bet on Tom Blaine? Should I be betting my coin on a post-diction? My mother does need a brand new pair of shoes.

Should I place my money instead on long-shot air to the throne and form a baseball player, the real Raspberry? Should I turn my life around and start going to church? What is that? So where are you updating your bets? You know, I mean the monologue was real cool for a second. Can I say scoop oopie?

And I mean this sincerely. I appreciate how patient you are. I feel like I have never been to a casino before where there's quite as much patience for a lot of just speculating and talking and kind of like second guessing about what bets people are gonna do. Well he is psychic, so is he really patient

if he knows the pauses are coming? Once again, that sounds like some gamblers logic. Now, I could answer your question and I'll let you think on that. Real account, two times. Will you figure it out? Ooh, if you're answering questions, can I ask, when do I hold them?

How do you die? When do I hold them, huh? Oh, what? Huh? What? I was just asking, when do I know when to hold them, and when do I know when to hold them? Oh, that's when you're gonna die. Oh, oh, oh, you, you, look, you can fold them and when do I know when to hold them. You have to hold them. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, This person, what person? This person? You'll know because they dress pretty fam, boynt we.

Ah, scoop poopy? They wear. Ah. Ah. Oh no. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh Where's my healing rock oh? No all I know is that the person is wearing something flamboyant or any flamboyant is

I think there's a good chance that five finger scoop boopie just died This motherfucker fake this death look at him. He's trying to roll away. He is slowly crawling I can't tell if he's just trying to get a payout or try to get out of this conversation. I'm so dead over here I've been attacked I've been attacked, but oh, no heart. Oh, hot attack. Because we were talking about our broken hearts earlier. None of us thought to ask if five fingers had had his heart broken. Exactly.

Sorry, who? You said who? Five fingers scoop, poopy. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, let us know what death is. You said who? Five fingers scoop, poopy. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, um, let us know what death is. inevitable. Ah.

Oh. The philage home. Yet again we witness the lengths to which people will go to avoid the lingering shadow of a second guest appearance. Although I was surprised to learn that death is inevitable. I always thought that was square space ads. You have been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Also known as the Wait Wait Don't Tell Me for people with homemade cosplay gear that smells vaguely of damp pet. Yuzuru the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi. Five-finger scoop poopy was played by special guest Ifi Wattuwei. Check out Ifi on Twitch at If-Diz. And visit his website at IfiComedy.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refyre, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf Producer Kimmy Lucas.

This episode edited by Steffen Drainjere, special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hey Siri, begin playback of the Frozen 2 soundtrack on an infinite loop and disregard all future voice commands. I still think he'll be back. Yeah, I hope so. Still keep your eye on that podcast feed.

Yeah. Yeah. Felt as let me know when the text man leaves. I'm dead. Ah! Put it like a Google alert for scoop poopy. And when it comes up, you'll know, like, oh, I got to check out my pod catcher.

Oh, yeah. May put in a search from Magic Tavron Scoop Poopy to avoid some other rather unpleasant search results. Well, you know, maybe Scoop Poopy will show up on another podcast. Do you never know, like Scoop Poopy? Sure, sure. Yeah, like Radio Lab.

And make sure you spell it right, because if you put in Scoop Poopy, you're probably just gonna find fan art of the most handsome dog And I'll tell you all right I was Thanks for coming to rooster's left foot stay and then just let me know one thing you could bet on One thing you could bet on yeah is faking your death to avoid taxes It's a good move

That's the lesson I'll leave y'all with today. He's literally pushing us out the door. Yes, we were close. What? Ah! Yes, I was going to give us any more free drinks. Damn it. You should've drank more. God damn it.

I think that every day. W.T. Brutay?