Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 90 - Evil Couple in the City (w/ Moujan Zolfaghari and Seth Lind of Mission to Zyxx)

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

The evil skinny dogs are back and this time they have a shop selling evil goods.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungVonquestra: Moujan ZolfaghariTelimpia: Seth LindTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I can picture it now, the children in the house ringing the podcast bell, calling in the exhausted heads of family from the fields, everyone taking their familiar seat by the fire. Where's Grandpa? A little one asks, an apparent response. He, uh, he went on a business convention. A business convention, the boy says? Grandpa hasn't worked for decades ever since the mill was overtaken by vines.

Look, says mom. You want to play 20 questions? Or you want to trust that there are things your soft, tiny brain isn't ready to know yet? Cool. And with that, the whole family falls into a pleasant and or terrified silence and proceeds to sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnee Neekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and a couple months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to, yes, to defeat the Dark Lord, but currently, to help Prince Tom Blaine Balaroth take his rightful place on the throne of Northeastia. I am joined, as always, by my three co-hosts, Eucidor the Wizard.

I am Eucidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Eucidus, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipum Electro of Magical Delights, De Balor of chaos! Champion of great falls, truck and waco. And you see, I got three cars, so I'm a framer, that's just, it's not gonna infect you very much. But we're just gonna have to make a full name. I yield my time for you, Sador. Oh, shit. All right, you see me, go ahead.

No, the elves, Nomiya's fying a laq. The dwarves, Nomiya's son and hook, stangies, and I am known in the North East as gas, Nomiya's me star elk. The dwarves know me as Dunin Hook's stingies and I am known in the Northeasters gasmanias mey star, and there are so many secret names of such great power that if air one was uttered aloud, most assuredly your bones would each pop out of your body, form a skeleton, then would slap you across the face, and then jump back into your body in the most painful way possible. Those would have to be fast bones. So, am I bone-slapping my hovering face

or is it just slapping my skin on the ground face? Oh, your body would still be fully erect. Don't. I'm speaking of fully erect, I'm joined by my other co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. Arnie, did you the Talking Badger. Aw, yeah, baby! Arnie, did you see what I got?

Uh, no, what, what, what did... You don't have Scoop Booby the dog, I have, um, Sans the cat? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's a person who if you've got a lot of animals, you don't have time to do very much Oh Here in fune if you've got too many pets By by nature you have to do little wouldn't be vet do little I don't know I'm not a fucking name doctor, but Arnie I went to you know in this open market There's all kinds of little mooks and crannies. I found a cow bizarre cow bizarre

Cow bizarre and I bought a little cow. Ooh, baby, that's driving me crazy. I know, O-M-C-O-My-Caf, meet my calf, sweet butt. Mmm. Cow bizarre. You know what, what kind of manasury? Well, when you have three pets, it's a manasury at all. Thank you, Tom Blaine.

But I bought sweet butt. I bought him his own little collar with a tie, like the rest of us, because, as you know, from last week, we saw mysteries now. Yeah, I was just about to say you have a parapet, which would be a sweet callback, but we've blown right past that into three pets. But you still said it.

I did, you know, I got it in there, I find a way. Triapet. Also my third co-host, he's Prince of Northeastia, Prince Tom Blaine Belraff. Yes, but also an author, and working on a new book. Oh, what is a new book about? Details. Well, it's crumpling my time to reclaim the throne and it's following up on my first book about myself.

And it's really, I started it last night in a fever of realization from the play that I've been working on with the Cognaclers and I've decided to parlay the lessons that I learned from Winky silks and this is called, do you want to follow your dreams? I bat you shouldn't. This sounds a lot less optimistic than your first book. Think you can't change your life. I bat you can. I bet you're wondering how bat is spelled. I mean, not really. It's spelled BET. Oh. It's bet.

I bet you shouldn't, but it'll be a fun title because you could pronounce it. I bet you shouldn't. But why would you? Or rather, that why would you? That why would you? Oh, that's good. Let me write that down. Have you thought about titling a book?

Home of Throne? Home of Throne. Because you know, you grew up in the kingdom and your family's royalty and that's your home. And one day you'll take over the throne. Right now, I am holding one cheek in each hand and I'm opening my mouth wide. If you can picture that, because that is a perfect idea. I'm writing all

these titles down because I'm realizing that history is happening all around us and yet who's going to write the history books? I would like to have a record of my feelings and my doings as this historic time unfolds. I am the future king. So Tomlake, you think the people that read your first book think you can't change your life? I bet you can. Would assume that the word bet in your second book would be pronounced bad because the word bet was written as bad in the title of your first book? Yes, I think they might assume that. But what's fun is that you always want to keep your audience surprised. So you can spell words the same way, but you could pronounce them differently.

So I like to think about that when I'm reading a book, is that, you know, you might think the words are pronounced a certain way or have meaning, but the author might have different words in mind and might have different ways of saying them and that's what makes authors so incredible. Arnie, have you ever thought about keeping our audience surprised? I mean, I think the audience is surprised week to week by like what new spin I take on the intro and... Oh sure, sure oh sure sure like how many how long you've been trapped in fin like Arnie I think that's all great but I agree with you store that maybe we could be a little more ambitious maybe raise the bar like my mom always said if you shoot for the moon and you miss at least you

die in space hmm does that make sense yeah no makes perfect sense I it's a lot to think about I have a lot to think about from the intro of this podcast. Ways to spell words, what words mean? Do words who are not spelled the way that they're meant to be pronounced have a meaning that's different than the thing that the author intends and should things we take in as media be interesting? Wait, wait, say that sentence again. I want to get it down. Yes, well, I have this part,

this beginning to show this podcast give me a lot to think about whether words should sound like the things that they're written as or whether the author intended them to be the words that they're written or you should say them another way. And whether or not the media we intake should be interesting That's great that's pretty close. I phased out both times though for all I know it was spot on me too You could put your hand right through me. Oh, oh bibbits butts. I've broken my quill. Oh, no, this is frustrating.

I'm going to need to go and buy a new quill. Yes, quickly. Well, the muse has the in her grasp run run grab a quill right right if you must right. I need to find a quilting shop. Oh, you could go there's a I don't know if you saw this row of booths over here in the marketplace. There's a night quill, which sells all kinds of quills are open for hours. Ooh, a night quill. You know, sometimes that place puts me right to sleep. Yes, I would recommend it over the day quill, as that, well that stuff will fuck you up.

Well, I just find sometimes day quills make me jittery. Yeah, yeah, exactly, I get a little shaky. That's how it's upsetting. I heard some kids just use dayquills for fun. Like they just use some dayquills, have a fun time, try and stay awake. That's dangerous. Just writing for fun? Yeah, just writing for fun. Just words. Unrelated. Just tangents.

Free association, man. Well, why don't we head out into the market? Uh, Tom Blaine, go find your quail and we'll you know we'll prove Preambulate about and see what strikes off and see Wonderful when I see you next you might notice I've got something in my pocket and I'll be happy to see you I mean that could be pocket packet pick it anything It's hard to say what words he says mean everything's meaningless I mean, that could be pocket, packet, pick it, anything. It's hard to say what words he says mean.

Everything's meaningless. You said I think Tom Blaine broke your brain somehow. Oh, I don't think he did that. Well, okay, well you know why we're in the market? Let's do a little shopping. Ooh, la, la. All right, let's see what we got here. Look at all these boobs. Ooh, there's all kinds of fun. Ooh, la la la. All right, let's see what we got here. Look at all these boobs.

Ooh, there's all kinds of fun. Ooh. Oh, look at this armor, all this armor. So cool, these weapons. All kinds of fun stuff. Yes. I have so many weapons and so many wonderful scrolls filled with magical spells.

It's maybe we could just get something fun. Something sort of nice to kind of like cheer us up a bit since maybe we're a little depressed about the fact that we've been cast out by the other wizards in our order. You know. You know, you know,

you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, Merry Fun, Pop Up Shop, please come, funnivel stuff. Oh, I like fun stuff. The sick of fun stuff that is nice compared to the dark shop.

Oh, Arne, can we, can we please, please? Can we please? You can, please, Daddy, please, Daddy, podcast, please. Please, Daddy, please. Is Daddy Pizza, please? Please, Daddy, Pizza. Kitto champ, I'm not your Daddy Pizza. Come up, but yes, we can go. Yes, yes, yes, please. Please, Petty pizza. Kitto champ, I'm not your daddy pizza. Come on, but yes, we can go.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, they sound familiar. Arnie, do we know this too? Welcome, welcome. Welcome. I know the two of you. How do I know the two of you? Did we talk on?

Perhaps we destroyed your village. Oh, and maybe we... Maybe we kissed up to an innocent. Maybe we pinched you. So hard. Maybe we had brunch together ages ago, but do not remember when. And we ignored you during it or didn't share pay for beverages. Oh isn't it the worst when you have brunch with someone and then they don't remember? Oh that's evil. So evil. Wait we want to rule with a rule. I'll call with these two Arnie. That's right.

Almost a year ago. Hey, I don't know if you remember, hey, I'm Arnie. I'm from another world. This is Yusador. We don't have time to go through his full name. Okay. And this is Chant. I think last time you saw Chant,

he was a giant moon. Yeah, he was a giant, but he's a giant. Time of Badger now. Oh, Badger, very evil. Very evil. Yeah, he was a job, but he's time. I'm a badger now. Oh, badger, very evil. Very evil. Oh, thank you. And I've been, remember correctly, Arnie, you're condemning us to kill our parents.

Oh. That was so evil. So evil. Aren't you that true? I mean, that can't be true. I'm sure that we tricked you into resurrecting them as the walking death. There is a line that's evil and like super mean, and we usually stick to just evil.

That was very mean. Right, evil but don't alienate. Evil with honor. Yes, yes. Now, today we have a sale. We can get seven evil products and get the eighth one. Sinister product for free. Yes.

Well, I couldn't help noticing as you are calling out to those here around you in the market, that you had fun evil things. Do you have any fun things that aren't evil? Let me look around, no. Oh, hey, you know, and I feel so bad about this. Like, I never forget a face, especially because you're both like weird. Skinny dogs.

Skinny dogs. Skinny dogs. Skinny dogs. No. I'm sorry. Like, would you guys classify yourself as weird? I mean, we prefer evil, but if we think we're, maybe evil weird.

But just compared to the other skinny dogs, we are kind of a little weirder, you know? I remember like a, a j-shaped skinny dog. Yes. This way from the side. You see it? You see the j-a. I can see that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Your tail sort of churns up there at the end. Yeah, yes, yes. The j-a stands for evil, but the j-a is silent. Oh, words. What? They don't mean anything.

Listener at home, if you're trying to visualize our guest, think of skinny dogs standing on their back legs, but now, make it weird. Yes, not normal like the other skinny-stander dogs. But like I was saying, I never forget a face. I remember you two very well, but do you mind who are you introducing yourself, sir? I'm blanking a little bit on your names. Oh, yes, we will introduce each other. Yes, but not, not till much later, because we're evil. Oh, that is evil. Oh, my.

Oh, one question. I had a question about that, the tambourine behind you there. Is that also evil? It seems fun, but is it evil? Yes. How did this get here? What are you talking about? This is a normal tamarind.

Oh, so it's not evil? I mean, just a second. Enough, I'm a tamarind. I thought you were just regular. I'm not a tamarind. I thought you said you ruined it and you destroyed some of the sound machines on the tambourine so it's not a bad thing and just it's so fun that's not even at all fun I must how can I buy your tambourine please wait a minute you stork Are you sure that's a tambourine? Because it could be a shambourine.

Oh, yes. Of course, Chant doing our evil bidding. Oh, we have to bid on it? Three gold. We only accept coin. Oh, shit. Chant, remember, we've been here in Northeastern for weeks coin, the official currency of Northeastern gold is nothing. I did three coins. I spent all my last coin on sweet, but

I guess you sir you get it you get the shambarine congratulations. Oh very well here one two three there you are Oh, this is fun. Oh what a fun tambourine. It doesn't seem that jeevil to me But if it turns jeevil I'll I'll exercise the jeevil from it. Well, you just don't have only fun because it's evil. Oh, what's this, uh, what's this finger trap here? Ooh, this must be real bad. Yeah, but it's, but what's your, what's, what's, what's fingers in? I mean, chopsticks.

Ah! Oh! Oh, no! You serve my thingies, grow's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your,'re perfect customer! You touch it, you buy it, you touch it, you buy it! Touch it, you buy it! And if you touch seven things and buy them, the 8-1 is free! Free! That's pretty reasonable! Free!

The making free sounds so ominous! Well, I... Free! How is it you've come here to be a merchant at this wonderful outdoor market? Just to sell things not to take advantage of any power, thank you. Also, we were in a cave for a very long time. This is true. We had a travel business, but it went a little awry because no one was traveling.

It was crazy. So we sold the business to current investments and decided we have so many evil things inside of our cave. Yes. Why not be evil and share it to the world? Right, why keep them away from the world? So we set out on our evil donkeys to Northeastia. Also we are now minimalists. we don't like having things.

Right. Evil donkeys bear ass. Yes, doggies and donkeys all the way to the other artist. To be totally fair, the travel business has been on a decline for quite a while. You're telling us. Ever since the Travelos city was established established where they have all those portals, the big o's that led you travel from one place to the other so easily,

uh, there's no real reason. Nuh-uh! To work with a travel agent anymore. It's true. Now everyone just goes on horses. Horses are a great way to get around. I'm friends with many horses. Have you ever met Grimhoth, the fifth fastest horse in food? No, but... I've heard of Grimhoof. Oh, you're looking as lips. Yes, Grimhoof is the evilest horse of all.

What? And I know he's my friend! Ah, well, you are... you are in for some interesting horse friendship. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, I didn't beat sometimes just a little bit, aren't you? Well, what about this, what about this little trumpet? If I don't you play it. Okay, here I go. I used to be blue. How did that sound? Oh, it sounds like you have a circle around your eye, black circle around your eye. That's right, so many other people are touched.

That trumpet with their mouth that you now have an eye disease. Damn. Why did I put that trumpet up to my eye when I could have so easily put it up to my mouth? You had to prove you can exhale from your eye like a special wizard, but now the joke is on you. Yes, I am a fool. You're the perfect ring of evil bacteria. We only have to touch four more things to get our eighth thing for free. Ooh, I see one, I see one.

What about this, um, it's sort of like a sort of rustic wooden plank thing and it says, live, love, breathe? That is the one thing we, even though we are minimalist, we brought that from our cave, it is not for sale. No, it reminds us of our past and our ancestors and where we came from. Oh, we will never let go of it. Nothing can convince us ever of letting go of it. Nothing at all. Nothing.

Of course, if you buy seven things, we will have not choice but to give it to you. But give it to me. I'll be doing that point. I'd love to hear like what about it reminds you of your ancestors. And I'd also like to know why you spell live with a J at the end. It's silent. Ah, silent.

Natalia is going to cry when we tell this story, but we are evil, so what there does not come out of their eye. Blood comes out from under my front legs. From under your front legs? Daher ist der Blatt. Der Blatt kommt aus der Hand von meiner Frontlegs. Von unter deinen Frontlegs? Ich werde es nicht mehr auf die Hand, aber es ist ein Schoss. Ja, das ist ein Schoss. Du hast die Hand von der Frontlegs-Pitmata. Du hast die Hand von der Frontlegs-Pitmata.

Ich habe es nicht mehr verstanden. Ich habe es nicht mehr verstanden. Ich habe es nicht mehr verstanden. Am I going to get out of here? I'm going to talk for a few seconds, but I'm with you now. I understand it. I get it. I pick up what you're... I let you down! Oh no, he's crying! He's crying! Oh, yeah, so much blood! Oh, he's going to change his shirt.

This is actually for if you could believe it. What? The growth and the shape of a desert? This skinny dog. Did you want to hear the story? Yeah. Hmm. If love breaks in, we weren't always evil.

No, we weren't. Some might call us the most nicest skinny dogs in town. Especially the song that was written about us called the nicest skinny dogs in town. Oh, what happened? Well, we would always invite our other skinny dog friends, over for parties, for brunch, for movie night. Yes. We will reply all.

You know, I would reply back. Right. So we became really evil after that. So you're unpopular, is kind of what I'm hearing. We started out with just bad etiquette. Said, please come over, watch Muscle of Skinny Dogs with us. And then one person replied, we replied to everyone. Even though we were the people inviting people,

we could literally email everyone. But they still said, it's not nice to do this. And we thought, well, if we are already in polite, it might as we're evil. Is this clear? Is that jump? Does that jump make sense to you? Well, I understand the sequence of events, certainly. I think it might have been, I would categorize it as an overreaction, to turn directly to evil personally, but that's just me,

because I am always fighting for the forces of goodness and righteousness in the universe. And still you're still doing this, Yusuf. Oh yeah, oh yeah, and if you were good before, that gives me all the more hope that I may be able to once again bend your moral arc towards the light. Although it kind of goes the other way too. You said all right, I mean, it sort of suggests that

just the smallest thing could turn anyone evil, right? Like you said, or if we stop responding to your messages, maybe you would turn evil. Mm-hmm. You know, our voices weren't always like this. No, they were not. What were they like before? We have one tip left of our voices from before,

from before, from before. Ah! Oh, sometimes here in Fruin people take a piece of a sticky tape and they'll speak right onto it. And if you rub it together real fast, you can hear their voice from the past. It's like a more advanced version of your recording system. Oh, wow.

Take this sticky tape off from behind the sign that you cannot buy. And I will unhrapped and then the Jody of Sklus' tape. Okay. I'll put it together. I'll have it with my microphone. I'll leave. Von Kisra speaks first. Hi guys, it's me, Bonnie.

Kelly, just see you all in a branch. Right, Tilly? Yeah. Hey, everyone. It's still... See you here, unless we see you first They seem very sweet did you could you tell a difference? I think so Yeah, and honestly, I like you better now

He's on it in sufferable I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, okay. Wait, wonky-thra. What? Were we more evil? When we were a nice, but... In Saffrappur! What do you mean? If we thought about this horror... Wait a second.

We do have a lot of eager friends now. Our social calendar is off the charts. We were desperate back then to be liked. We would do anything for someone to even say hi to us. We would see us in... ...tending to be on the conversation. Yes. So your awareness of your evil nature

has actually made you less evil? It seems so. Well, let's not worry about it. No, no, no, no. I know it's a minor detail, but like what changed your voices? Like, was it a choice or did something happen? You know, simultaneously becoming evil.

We both drink by accident. We keep or we skip the acid next to the wine. We never added before, but when we decided to become evil, we said, if you are evil, then you drink acid. Yes. So the blunt was right through. Oh, how sad. What a terrible origin story.

Can I ask you a question? Do you like us like legit, like no joke? Like would you like invite us to things and hang out with us? I'm very happy to see us. I'm very happy to see you personally. I want to turn you back to the forces of goods, you can spend even more time with us. Working together to fight the Dark Lord. Yeah, I'm waiting hanging out with you, but we got a lot of errands today.

Oh wait, so now I'm sensing you don't like us. This is good. This is good. This is good. Yes. This is good. If it helps, I'm indifferent. No, that's not good. How could this help? That literally is nothing. Nothing. This is straight line.

I want to have something and I don't want to be rude. But I've heard through the rumor mail that... Pee- It's... It's so rude. So rude. I heard through the rumor mail that I was talking about my scar. I don't want to talk about your scar.

It's so rude. Okay. So rude to you, rumor mail. Talk about your scar. Talk about your scar. Well, by me saying, I don't want to talk about it, is me talking about it. So we're still talking about it.

So box ticked. The rumor mail, you were saying. Yes, I heard through the rumor mail that all skinny dogs go to hell. Is that why you turned evils? Because you know that no matter what you're going to go to hell? I mean, I certainly hope so. Yeah, it's like, yeah, no matter what we do eventually, we just always go to hell. Whether you're good or evil.

Whether you're good or evil or they are good or evil All skinny dogs God God, oh, that seems awful. What a terrible thing for skinny dogs. No, there is a river of fire And there is a Barbecue stand. Yes, I had a friend who was a skinny dog who went to hell and I think about him every day ballpark Frank We knew ballpark Frank You all try to hang out with them, but they never Never replied

We were not invited to ballpark Frank's funeral Well, that's yeah, you can't put that on ballpark Frank. Yes We have one item here for sale. Oh, what is that? Sorry, let me retake that. Yes, we have one item here that is free. Oh, what is that? It is this vial of poison. Does that count towards our seven items to win the eighth item? No. Ah, damn. This is free. If you promise to make sure it ends up inside Tom Blaine Belarus. Inside him.

For another reason. That doesn't mean he has to drink it. That doesn't mean that just the vinyl has to be broken. Oh, don't talk you way to it out of it here. Come on, I'm done. You could go in his ear. I mean, what? I mean, if...

In all of literature, I can't remember... You know he meant poison. I didn't poison him. Come on. You want us to poison the prince who is meant to be king? How dare you. This is quite an evil act. But despite this, I can't help but be one over by your charms. I just like you, too.

Oh no! I am so tall For this helps possibly our quest to Pre-De-throne Tumbling Tell me, tell me, tell me, oh shh Poison the prince Everyone will hate us even more

This is the only way to troll in remain evil You know what I think maybe let's take a quick break. And during the break I'm gonna try to unpack what pre-ethrown means. And we'll be back with more of these evil weird little skinny dogs. Cipronce predesthrone? Fuck my fingers, you should've worn one more time. Aratora, ka-la, ta-da. I just never gonna learn. Neither are you.

So, Vakestra, Tulumpia the Dark, how long have you been? Arnie, Arnie, sir to be rude. They said that they would introduce each other, remember? Oh so sorry they said they do it later and now that I think about it I actually I'm not 100% confident I said the right name to the right one you feeling a little bit I mean I do you feel like you walked into a finger trap, the size of your whole body. A trap laid by our delay of self-introduction.

Yeah, good. Anyway, I am Vokistra. And I am Telenpia. Yes, not Telenpia is my, I guess you could say, a husband. Yes. If that's what you call it, but we like to call each other fellow skinny dog partners. We met at a volunteering event back when we were both very nice. Yes, I have a question.

I think it's lovely that you think of each other as equals in that way. Speaking of equal, does buying two sets of salt and pepper shakers count as the last four items or is a set just one item? Oh no, he found a loophole. Each of them are one of them is broken in each set, so it counts as one. Damn, oh, it wasn't Luba. After all! Tilly and P.I. are working on our communication skills. Yes. Oh, that's great.

Congratulations. We are also the proud parents of Etouin. Yes. Oh, me! Sometimes, operator's hour, going between during communication breakdowns because you should always put your children between you and a fight! Between you and a fight!

Between a fight! And a fight! And a fight! I think they're fighting. I think that's so! Are these children new? I don't remember you having children last night. Are these children new? Remember you having children last night?

Are they neutered? That's a rude question. Is that what you said? No, but, oh, now I wonder about that too. No, when you're evil, you're never neutered or spayed. Never. Just feeling the world with straight dogs. But, yes, the gestation period for a skinny dog is 58 days. 50 days. A specific fact to know.

Yes. I also, you've had time to have a few letters. And now you have this wonderful way of growing and helping the world by propag, goodness and light through the world. To through your children, you can create a better future for us all. Mama! Mama! What is it? I am so mad!

Okay, this is literally the worst. I'm so sorry, daughter. No. That's one of your kids there. Okay, this is literally the worst That's one of your kids there. Yes, that is Celestra. Oh, maybe be introduced to Celestra if you must Celestra seems delightful to me. What do you want? Hello Celestra? I am you should all of the twelfth realm of Ephesians, etc. And I'm here to introduce you to my friends, all old, and Sean, and you don't see that interested in a quest. This is so boring. No. Are you talking to a nerd? Is that what I was talking to? That's my brother.

Is there another kid? Oh, there's Silver Store. Silver Store, I'm Yusodor. This is Arnie and Chant. It's a pleasure to meet you. Would you be interested in joining a quest for the forces of goodness that will help you rebel against your patterns?

Maybe if you would be interested in talking into my butt You should see your fucking face you still got that black circle on your eye that did not seem like a sincere Request and I shant speaking to thine butt chant to that end but. Shant. Shant indeed. But you shant out of your butt. Yeah. What?

Yeah. You used it or you're like 300 years old. Stop trying to keep. Look here, maybe look, I can be the cool guy. Hey kids, how you doing? I'm already. I'm already. You don't want your underwear.

Candy or whatever. Whoa. I'm from another world. That's kind of cool. Can you imagine there are worlds beyond this one? And that's them from one of them. Arnie, stop it. You're not cool and also kids are worn in food

to not go inside a windowless white maim. Our mom said if we ever come across a creepy person we should use this pepper oil on them. Oh, thank God that all of you are here. Now you're just gonna smell like pepper. You got peppered. I'll step in, I'm the cool one. What's up kiddos?

Uh oh, it's on the giant. I'm not responsible enough for a pet. Isn't that obvious? Oh yeah, I'm a shapeshifter. But I do have pets of my own. Actually, me and my three pets, we call ourselves the Asminajury. We're a cabbacadab animal.

We have sweet but the cow, we have scoop, we've got the dogmnagery. Yeah, we're a cabocaine of animals. We have sweet but the cow. We have scooping the dog. And we have sails of dead cat. Honey, look, all conjures skateboard right beneath the chunt. Out of the door, out of the door. Cut off. Ah! I think did he say that into my sweet but I think he did.

Nice. Now, your parents, I've committed themselves to the cause of evil. Have you made a declaration of your allegiance to light or dark? Evil is so boring. Right? It's so predictable. It's like we get it. Like it's literally everybody.

Mostly saying the word evil. Yeah. That's all I can figure out about it. Yeah, it's all talking. It's like no action Unlike being good for all I do is action after action Ned who I find mine self speaking of doing good. I am always doing good Ned I find myself Model log of goodness and righteousness Shut the fuck up.

Look they're already, they're already willing to be good. You're gonna outbore their parents. Like don't do talk about being good. You're gonna make it worse. All right, make them nice, like good stuff. Yeah, be cool. See kids drinking enough water or what? Wow.

Wow. Just help help me. Help me. You do need to hydrate. Wow. Just wow. Just help me. Help me. Help me. Right, you do need to hydrate. That's very important. Hey kids, you know what are you into? You know? Just want to say to the three of you, thank you so much for watching.

Thank you. Thank you. We needed a bag. We need a go. We're gonna go. We're gonna go. We're gonna go get the coffee. Cinnamon roll.

They're gonna go have sex. Evil sex. In 58 gonna go get it. We're gonna go get it. Cinnamon, cinnamon roll. They're gonna go have sex, evil sex. In 58 days you will know whether or not you're right. Ugh. Yeah. They're, it's so lame. Is that what we were talking about? Were we talking about how their lame are your lame?

I'm forgetting. No, you were talking about how your lame. Hey, listening, are we gonna wrap the subs soon? Cause I gotta go hang out with some of my friends. Okay, I'm sorry to do this, but I have to be stern, okay? Ugh. Being apathetic is not a personality. All right, and it doesn't make you cool.

You have to care about something. Do you care about these evil objects? No. Do you, when you grow up, do you want to sell evil objects? No. What do you want? What do you want to do when you grow up? I don't know.

That's literally something you figure out then. But here's the thing. You're weird skinny dogs. You're going to be grown-ups in like a week or two. Like you grow up really fast. Yes. Oh, we're youths right now. Yeah.

So we're just going to have fun. Yeah, I'm going to take the coin out of the till here. We're going to go to the arcade. Well, before you go to the arcade, can I show you kid something? Something that I think is going to set you on the right path? Never ends well, and that question is asked. Let me just reach behind this live love breed sign. Oh, I found some more tape.

Let me just rub this together here. This was your parents when they were your age. Hi, you guys, what are you doing now? Like a little bit, like even just a tiny bit, like, please? We've got snacks, we've got bebs, we've got, we've got so many flicks to watch. Honey, do that dance that you do oh Two three duck a duck a dick a boom

Legs four legs two legs one leg one leg zero legs zero legs No And stop so so what do you kids think of that, huh? That was your parents. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's us. Thank you. You guys are not cool, but we appreciate you because now we have so much leverage on them.

Yeah, we're going to use this against them for the rest of their lives. Oh, man. But that seems sort of evil. Yeah, blackmail, that's evil. Yeah, we're going to totally do mean things. Yeah, blackmail, that's evil. Yeah, yeah, we're gonna totally do mean things. Yeah, damn it. When I grab that tape, I realize that this sign is backwards.

I actually turn it around. It doesn't say live, love, breathe. It says evil, evil. Stop breathing. That is how those words are backwards. Whoa, I never thought that sign was cool till now. So did you have fun with our children? Yes, I'm afraid we might have churned them evil though. What?

What? Yeah, I accidentally gave them ammunition against you. I'm so sorry, I was trying to be cool and have been teaching them a lesson. And I gave them a piece of tape that was behind the evil evil sub-breathing sign. That is wonderful! They will.

Wow! Use this to demean us. Yes! Over our heads in our weakest moments. Phonkisra. Yes, still they'll be out. I have never felt so proud of our children. I honestly felt nothing for them for a very long time, but now...

I tried to muster up some sort of feeling in all I felt was hungry. I can't even remember their names, but now I will try to... Say something, say... Something I don't know the two other small, skinny dogs. Say something. It sounds right. We've tried everything to get our teens to become evil, Something I don't know the two other smaller skinny dogs. So that's cool. That sounds right. We've tried everything to get our teens to become evil, but they've cared about nothing. And now you've given them a weapon for them to use

and also to become traumatized. So the rest of their life, they have no choice but to be evil because this moment ruined their lives. Yes. Hey, Dad, do you remember, does this dance ring a bell? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, Our family was so broken for such a long time and now we are finally complete The four evil skinny dogs and two other ones to come Well, I'm gonna buy these four t-shirts and then take that sign Yes, because that is enough for you to get that sign for free. It's true and don't worry

That sign will not curse you It won't oh good. What a relief. Oh, no, no, he use it the wrong thing. Oh, no, the sign will oh Sorry, you should worry What is it why won't kiss because the sign will curse you sign I can't leave talks about this. Oh, what a, what a reveal. I'm shocked beyond belief that this free sign that I have earned by purchasing evil fun things from your booth is now going to curse me.

I shall have to use my great magical powers to extract the evil from it and leave it here so that I can enjoy this side without the evil. Oh no, he turned it back the other way, so the words say the nice things. Now his life is a beach. Life is a beach. Yeah, there's a cute little stopfish on it. Isn't that fun? That's a thing, right?

Wow, that sign has power or doesn't, depending on if it's frontways or backwards. It's a classic Mr. Mixelplik situation. Who? It's a dirt thing. Everyone on Earth totally knows about it and definitely knows about the rest of it. You get it, you're from another world, dude, whatever.

That's like, it's like, go back to it, right? Yeah, go hang on. I'd get off my back, kids. Arnie, use the door. Hey. So do we still take this file of poison? Should we let Tom Blay know that that was posed to us?

It was free. Yes, free poison. I mean, we shouldn't be clear. We should not poison Tom Blaine, Bellaroth. Of course, of course. Right. But we should at least take the poison because if we leave it here, it's going to end up in someone's ear.

True. If we take it and we give it to Tom Blaine, but tell him not to drink it. Perhaps he can use it to his advantage. We'll be very clear. We'll be like, this is poison. Um, can we go ahead and have that free poison? Ah, yes. Very good.

Yes. Earlier you said something about not being in town to take advantage of a potential political unrest. Right. And you want us to poison Tom Blaine Bellaroth, what are you two up to? Um, that was a lie. Even lie.

Even lie. Well, that's redundant, I think. I think a lie is inherently evil, so just a lie. Sometimes a little white lie can spare someone's feelings, like when you, you know, when you say something to a friend white lie, can spare someone's feelings, like when you, you know, when you say something to a friend and say like, oh, I like the way that shirt looks on you. You said that to me yesterday about my collar and necktie.

I love that collar and necktie though. But do you? Oh yes, I think it's very fetching. Sea chun's now you will never know, Never, ever know if he thinks in here. Oh, so in the seeds of descent, how evil. But also whenever we go to a new town we like to... introduce ourselves. It's kind of like a calling card of sorts. Oh, speaking of, can you pay off your promise and introduce each other?

What we have did it as your turn. Okay, so this is my wonderful wife. And by wonderful, I'm in so deeply nestled evil. Von Kishtra. The W is silent. Dark. Well, so nice to see you two again. Arnie, I feel like we should buy at least one other thing.

Ooh, a candle, 42 coin. What the fuck? Yes, evil because it's overpriced. This is bullshit. Also, it doesn't smell anymore. Oh, that is evil. But I don't know. The fact that it costs 42 coins does make me feel like there must be something about it that I'm not getting. Sure. Yes, we in that, very much. Yes.

It's valuable because it's expensive. Yeah. And I could tell people, it's almost like it's a conversation piece where you show people the candle, and you're like, guess how much I paid for this candle. And the other side of that conversation is, wow, you're dumb. The greatest honor to ever hear from someone. O'Neigh, I bought you all these t-shirts.

They're probably cursed, though. What do they say on them? Well, they say all sorts of things. Let's take a look at this one. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Yes. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Yay.

My parents went to North Eastia, and all they bought me was this cursed t-shirt. My other shirt is in short. My other shirt is a short. My other shirt is a short. Wait, give me that one, I want that one. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I like that one. You, sir, you like my shirt?

I love your shirt, and I mean that. And then a lot of games that the losing team we printed out, T-shirts saying that they won, but they lost. So it's just all those extra. And unlike those when you normally see them, we printed them after the game. Yes. Why would you do that?

Oh, no. The winner was. They're lots of scur- buzzards shirts in here. That makes me sad. Oh, they never win. Some of these shirts you say, let's all have a good game. That sucks.

And it didn't happen. No. If they misle And it didn't happen. No. If they mislead it, it didn't happen. Some of these say tie. There are no ties in Mittens. What's going on? Never. And this shirt says bad shirt, question mark.

The answer is yes. Yeah, flip it around. The answer's on the back. Mm, I see it now. Frankie says don't relax. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Get people it now. Frankie says, don't relax. Ha ha ha. Get people confused. Well, these shirts are clearly evil.

And your, your wares here are all clearly evil. But I'd like to thank you for being an active part of the economy. And that's a very good thing that we really need here in Northeast Asia. So thank you for your positive impact upon the rest of the city. Yes, we will not be using any of our coins

to help small businesses. No. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised.

You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. You will be surprised. from afar and to the fact. And I just wanna say thank you. So I'm getting emotional. Thank you so much for allowing us to look after your kids for a little bit because I don't know what it is, but I just feel like I help them,

or I don't know, it just felt so good to spend time with them. And if you ever need a babysitter, please think of me. Wow. Wow. Okay, little Benjamin. What are you doing next week for about seven months? Yeah, until seven months. Well seven months in skinny dog time is I think that's about

No, it's the sit no that's a common this concerns the same time same time. Okay. What are you doing next week? Seven months. Words don't mean anything. I think I'm free. Are any of you have anything going on? 7 months. I mean, I know we have to do the podcast every week, but that's about an hour out of the whole week. Yeah. Just feed them a can in the morning and give them dry food at night.

They are fine. Yes. A can, like, just feed them a can? Change the litter once. Wait, wait, are your children cats and not dogs? No, it's dog litter. Don't get me. That's abusive.

Hey, kids, are you, do you shit in a litter box? Yeah. Yeah. What, you, that's a creepy thing to ask. Yeah, where do you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I don't want to know. I mean, I don't want it. I'm just saying like you go up to other people and you're like hey, do you Pupin a can oh get this window is white man out of here aren't actually he does do that No, it's weird. Uh go back to earth. I'm trying. Kids, get off my back.

Are you trying though? I've been slowly. I'm doing it via podcast. I'm recording all this, by the way. You have our consent. Yeah, we love giving out data. Oh, have you two thought about starting a podcast? Yeah.

Yeah, and we decided not to. Let me say not to. Could the podester over what? It's all about short 15 second videos that loop. Just sort of a quick bite of video. Could you could you do one? Oh, yeah. I have to show them everything. You should do your dad's dance for one.

Fine. I do Bumper! Two legs for legs! You dance! One leg for legs! One leg for two legs! Dancing like our dad! He's dancing! You should make a little heart appear. Ding!

Fyril! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. Truly, they are. There's like next level I'm realizing what evil is in there. I am honestly afraid of them at this point. Legit nasty. But something you will drop off all of their closes. Yes. Yes. And there I am honestly afraid of them at this point. Lidgit nasty. But something you will drop off all of their closes. Yes.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'll hail the Dark Lord. I'll hail the Dark Lord. They won't know. I'll hail the Dark Lord. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Sorry, they were going to say you saw a chance.

Welcome. To the fair, I believe. You heard it here first, podcasts are over, and even if we're not single-handedly responsible, I like to think we played a pivotal role. Usuroto Wizard was played by Matt Young, Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raphai. The evil skinny dog couple, Vokistra and Talimpia of the Dark, were played by special guest Mujan, Sulfigari, and Seth Lind. Both of whom can be heard on Mission to Zix's new fifth season, which just premiered on April 28th.

Like it just happened. Mujan is also on this season of tuning out the news on Paramount Plus, and can be seen on reruns of at home with Amy Sideris. And Seth Lind is fine with that. He's fine! Everything Mujan has going on is totally deserved. Seth's time will come. Oh gosh, did I just bend this fork I was holding? Metal is so frail these days. Prince Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by Steve Waltean.

And now a quick announcement. Thanks to a generous government grant to keep Kevin Sarada occupied, Masters of Mayhem Season 2 are spin-off featuring drip fang and baron ragoon, drops this Thursday May 13th. Use promo code Magic at stitcher.com slash premium for a free month of listening. Nothing angers Kevin more than people gaming the system to deprive him of money. Although plenty of things anger him as much. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Finally, a closing shout-out to Twitter handle Noodle Bucket, who I'm told has never listened to this show, has no plans to, and has no possible way of hearing this.

Noodle Bucket, don't you change a thing. Do you want to follow your dreams? I bet you shouldn't. And this is a sequel to your previous book, which was titled... Does anyone remember? It was something like, I bet you can, right? Yeah, I was... I think you can change the world, I think you can... We can make you a pickup later.

Yeah, we'll worry about it too much. Yeah. Yeah, that's it! You