Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 91 - Pirate Captain

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

Cap'n Loraina Bones stops by to talk about being a pirate, loving gossip and having a missing ship.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCap'n Loraina Bones: Ana SilvaSylvestra: Moujan ZolfaghariSylvestor: Seth LindMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's here, it's here, from the windows, but there's shouts echo in the empty fields. The family elders are nowhere to be found. So it's done then, the boy says, lighting a clove cigarette. What did you do, says the girl, wheeling on her brother? What did I do? I served some home spun justice to two old fools who'd gotten mean and sloppy. Now, let's see what trouble Arnie and the gang have cooked up for themselves this week. And with that, they sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years ago in some change, I fell through a dimensional portal, bind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload this podcast, Chromicaling our quest to, you know, not just defeat the Dark Lord, and frankly to protect me, maybe the most important person in all a fune, from the Dark Lord, but also to help the political transition in North Eastia as Queen Tatania is soon going to step

down and who will be the next ruler, I hope it's Tom Blaine Bellaroth. But who am I to say? I am joined, as always, by my co-host. He is surrounded by, if I'm going to be honest, too many animals, shut the talking badger. How are you distracted me? I'm in the middle of too many animals. Shunt the talking badger. How are you distracted me? I'm in the middle of playing snack jack. Oh, yeah, oh. Hey, bye.

All right. Ah! Did I do it right? Yes. Okay, good. By the way, listener, we're back at the rooster's left foot. Kind of one of my new favorite spots in Northeast. Yeah, if nothing else, I love the sounds.

Oh, sounds so good. Like, obviously, the ambiance here is just natural in what it is, but if it were constructed by a person, good work person. Ambiance, you mean ambiance? I don't know. I can't sleep, I'm gonna take an ambiance. Well, if you pass out, I'm gonna call it ambiance.

And now remind me, in Fune, if you call it ambience, what is that exactly? It's a lance that walks on its own volition. It's an ambulator lance. An ambulator lance, exactly. And it talks like this. Oh, bother, are you okay, good sir? Ooh, let's get you down on the ground with the wet towel and the full head. That's it? That's it?

So it's a like a sword that wants to put a wet towel on my head? Oh, it's not like a sword, it's like a lance. There's a big difference between a lance and a sword. How long have you been in this world? I mean, I've been in this world six years and in a number of months that I can't remember off the top of my head. I have to put a wet towel on my head. I could put a towel on my head. Arnie, look at all the tricks I've taught my animal friends.

Sayon's, roll over. Scoop booby. Jump up. Sweet butt. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Oh, gotta say, and here's the thing. Sintilating audio. I gotta say, I'm not sure exactly how to describe what sweet bud did, but it was pretty cool. He's doing his thing, doing his thing. Also, Arnie, I am exhausted.

With these three pet animals, my Aspen Asherie, and with Sylvestra and Sylvestor, who my babysitting. Oh, that's right. I call him Sline Sligh. I am exhausted. I feel like this is good practice for when eggy baby hatches.

And well, first I have to find eggy baby. And then when eggy baby eventually probably hatches, it's gonna be good practice for me being a father. But, oh boy, I don't know how anyone does it. That's right. Last week you got tricked by those evil skinny dogs into watching their kids for like seven months? Yeah, pretty brutal.

Is it safe to bring them into a casino? I don't know, is it safe to do anything anymore? Wait, what are they doing? Kids stop stopping each other. You know what, they'll be okay. Yeah, I know what was kicking your butt okay. Yeah. What was kicking your butt then? What was kicking right in your butt? If they're having trouble adjusting,

perhaps I could give them this stone that makes them think of their family. Should I give Sylvester or Sylvester this family stone? Yeah, I mean, you can go for it. I mean, you might wanna give it to him on the holidays, I think. Maybe I've never seen a family stone before. It's very, it looks very cool. I know giving someone a family stone is a thing.

I recognize it as a thing. But do I know much about it? No. Oh, the slides in the family stone. Yes, I just wanted to know if Slire, Slire, would like the family stone. But you what? I'm gonna say, Chantney, 100% thoughtire would like the family stone. But you what? I'm gonna say, Chutney 100% thought the name would clearly... Same page clearly.

Well done. Here's a weird thing. I know less about that family stone than Slire and the family stone, but that's where my brain went. You must have thought I was insane. I know, put a towel on your head, but you're getting crazy. Nah, I need to cool down. Ugh.

But I have some exciting news. I met a potential guest for the podcast. Oh Yes right over at the bar. She's a pirate The only time we had a pirate on the show was that one thief who swore he wasn't a pirate. Yeah, pretty sure he was a pirate Yeah, yeah, but this pirate wants to was a pirate. That's a pirate. Yeah, but this pirate, once to your pirate. Captain! Sounded a lot like Paul of Tompkins. Yes! Yeah, oddly enough, he did.

Captain, please come join us at the table. Oh, oh, oh, wow. I saw you from across the bar and I thought to myself, there is no way. There is no way. There is no, oh my God. I am I blushing, oh my God. You fought to yourself, are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?

I listen, I'm a pirate, I bounce back. It's like a little baby. You know when you're thrown down the stairs, they bounce right back up, that's me. Oh. Yeah, I'm your little baby. It's the fanny on the baby. It's the fanny on the baby.

Wait, your parents sitting throw you down the stairs? Yes, haven't you ever heard of a bouncing baby boy? Or girl? I guess. You look at me like I'm the crazy one. He does that. I apologize, Captain. For you, don't understand that Arnold here is from a turning.

It's a promise of love. Oh, oh, oh, oh, tell me you're about it. I'm a pretend like I don't know. Oh, well, it's a weird world where instead of magic, we have science, all the different kinds of science I hear over the years, yeah. What you do with science. Yeah, although I think my world's science

is being replaced with gut feelings and emotional opinions. Mmm. It seems like a thing I would be into, but I'm not. I'm thinking about transitioning to being a pundit. What do you guys think? A pundit? Is that like, you know, what are those pirates that get thrown out?

Because they make too many ponds. I notice there's a lot of throwing in your backstory. Listen, that's how you get it's off It makes sense, think about the life of a pirate You have to pull your boat up and turn another boat Throw a rope onto the other boat Then throw yourself onto that boat And then throw people off of the boat

Exhausting, you can only make out with parrots People are always walking planks. I am so much upper body strength, it blows my mind. Wow, it blows your own mind. It's truly like my own, because it's one of those things that is mental, right? Like the more you think like, I am strong, what do you call them? A machinations? You say to yourself, I am strong. I am strong. What do you call them? A machinations? You say to yourself, I am strong.

I am strong. I love a good machination. Oh yeah. Yeah, I use, sometimes I use, they call them training personals. Training personals? Training personals? Training personals?

Yeah, you write a little letter and you write it out with your quill and then you send it off with a bird. Wow, you write a little letter and send it off with a bird. Imagine Arnie, writing the tiniest art that anyone ever saw and that a bird takes that little scroll in its mouth and flies with beautiful poetry. Sorry, I just, I've been surrounded by kids and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Have you tried throwing them down the stairs? Hmm, not a bad idea. So, I'm not sure how to address you as a pilot.

Is it ma'am, is it me? Aice Captain. Captain, oh I'm so sorry. No, no, no, Arnie, sorry. Captain. Captain. Captain. Captain, what is your, how should I address you?

What is your name, Captain? Captain, the Rainer bones How's that address you? What is your name, Capin? I'm Captain Loraina Bones, but you can call me Captain Bones. Captain? Captain Bones? Are you can remember it because Capin rhymes with, make it happen. It also rhymes with snapping. Ooh, you said R, what else? What do you got?

And you can remember Bones because it's the sexiest member of your favorite science fiction TLVision show. TLVision? You're right, I love the TLVision. You know what, DeForest Kelly, there's something just something about him, he aged very well. Yes, you mentioned that a lot. Too much, probably.

It's almost like that's all I was talking about right before we started recording. Now, Cap and bones, I don't know many pirates, if any, is it true that you have tattoos? To do, to die today? I don't wanna die today. I'm sorry, sorry, Cap and let me just back up, check. That's my other trigger for me, sorry,

that one's a little bit of a trigger. John, careful, this is a pirate and I think she just threatened you. I know, I just wanna see some tattoos. To do, to die today? No, why everyone's turning on me. Checking you getting into everybody's city. I know who you are.

No, ever ask. I know who you are. You know who we are? Yes, of course I do. Are you kidding? Everyone in North East, yeah, he's talking about you. Yes, of course. I am Yusadol. Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Trappian of the Great Halls of Trucks, Known to the Elves as Fiengelok, Known to the Dwarves as Zonenhoek Stenges,

And I am no here in the North East. As guess, Weneyusius may star so it bears. Common sense that all here would be a flutter with the presence of such a great wizard in their mist. Mist? Mist. Mostly because you got birds for feet. Yes, I put some birds on my feet.

And you know what, I know that, because I know one of your former lovers. Ugh! Gasp! Wainius. Oh, gasp, mean, meanius. Arnie, that's it. Gasp, meanius.

Okay. Note to self, make your documentary called Wizards in the West. Anyway, you know a former lover of mine. I do, I would dare say, they're a close personal friend. Oh my, well please bear this acquaintance out into the open so that we may speak with a fourth wreath. Absolutely not, because I do not know if you have gelded yet, because we haven't talked in a fortnight.

It's been some time, you know, I don't know if you know this, but North East, yeah, yeah, I'm been able to travel as much as you do. Yeah, oh yes, with the shattering happening earlier this year, many people were trapped exactly in their part of a small prism. And now, now things are beginning to open back up and people are getting back to their normal lives but it's going to take a little while.

A little while and also my boat is gone so we're working on that which is. What is your boat is gone? My ship is gone. And the little boats that were attached to it are also gone? I mean they sent me off on one of them yeah. Oh no. Who sent you off on one? My sister.

Oh, a gasp. You're ship out. Are you really shot? Are you just. Oh, I guess you're super. Are you really shocked? Are you just saying that because I'm saying it dramatically? Well, I do like to support our guests by listening to what they say and if they seem to say something with a lot of excitement, I will be excited for them. See, we're trying to make emotional decisions. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Is this emotional or is it scientific because I set it in a way that your minds put the pattern together? Does that make sense? Yes, if we want to be more rational about it, we could, I suppose, but then I suppose I would always be talking like this.

And that would be a very different cadence for the entire podcast if suddenly Yusudor was sort of a reasonable and rational person. Ooh, I hate this. Analyze things in a very tactical way and then calm yourself into the conclusion. Yusudor, the analyst, this sucks. Ugh, I never got a guess that Yusudor could get more boring. How dare you! I have never been boring, not for a moment since I was born into this world by a conflagration of birds and rain and fire and wind that insisted there must be a champion. So, cappin' bones, it sounds like your ship out of luck.

Mm-hmm. You know, they say any poor, any storm, but they don't mean it. Oh Really, you know, I feel like you actually care and I appreciate that. They said you were gonna care. They did Everybody in the town concepts you know, oh I love gossip What's that they show good? What's the concept you the three of you! I mean look at you! You're absolute wonders in North East, yeah! Oh my gosh finally, look at me everybody! You're so chugged, look at me! Finally, the recognition you so desperately deserve. Wait Kevin bones, do you ride on a gosship? Listen, I don't ride on my gosship anymore, okay?

Well your sister took it, but you're a pirate of a gosship. Absolutely, I am. And I'm ashamed of it either. You know why? Because it brings people together. Arnie, I don't know if you've heard about gosships. They're ships that are sort of steered by pirates. And these pirates who write the gosships, they go port to port and they steal information

and then put it out into the world. You know why? Because knowledge is power. Hmm, yeah, that's half the battle. Well, also you have so much upper body strength. Oh yes, you know it's blowing my mind. So power is power in your instance. Listen, it's both.

It's mental, it's physical. That's why you have your training personnel, you know. You got jacks. And Arnie, we should say everyone should get jacks. If you haven't gotten jacks, get your two, you know, fear not being jacks for this jacksonation show. Make you stronger. Yeah, I mean look, you might need to rest for a day after you get jacks, but you know know what that always happens when you masturbate. What? Is that just me? Listen, breast days, they're the most important. Arm leg and breast day. So who did you first hear about Arnie and Chun's and I from? We've been here trying to protect good Prince Tom Blaine. Yes, Prince Tom Blaine who happens to be a former classmate of mine.

Oh, yeah. Way back, I know, is shocking. There's a lot of, a lot of, you know, interconnections. But mostly, I heard it from, you know, Brittle Brains. Oh, yeah. Have you met the Brittle Brains, Dennis and Duncan? Oh, yes. As sworn enemies of our good friend Benedict Whisper, Brutal. I heard one of them is dead one of them died

But the others alive Yeah, yeah, well, uh, you know, first of all the unique Cat trust him he says whisper he yells things out loud, you know talks too much But the brittle brains the live one they told me that you were all coming to the forest however long ago and so I've been waiting for your return ever since. Also thank you for reminding me that the living brittle brains pronoun is they and I got to remember that that's very important. Knowledge is power. Did we get through a forest? It was a long time ago.

Some of my gossip jumps from episode to episode if it were. Well I mean we often go through a forest, I ain't just a bit of wood that we traveled through to get to Princess Traykis. We also stopped. Yeah. And we also stopped for rest. We did stop for rest. We got back all our hit points and then we just took off again. And there was an episode where I explained the entire plot of Forest Gump,

but I think we decided not to release that one. You said it didn't hold up. Yeah. I was so confused because you were talking about Forest Gump, but I knew you meant deforest Kelly. Run deforest, run! That, you know what, that reference was for nobody. Now, Captain Bones, I must ask, and now that you find yourself shipless, here in the port city of northeastia, what are your plans for the future? Do you want to obtain your ship once again, or shall you ply some new trade?

I absolutely want my ship back. Oh, darling, I'm gonna take a quick swig. Wow. Ah! Listen, you don't get this upper body strength by not hydrating, you know? Wow, that's the good stuff. Jug that says XXX. It is. Top shelf.

Am I gonna know how to pay for it? No, but we're gonna cross that bridge when we get to it. This one's on me. Oh, you said all! Oh yes, my treat. Happy to as a guest, of course. I will cover your drinks for the evening. Now I feel dumb, because I'm drinking it from a jug that says PG-13.

Arnie, that doesn't have alcohol in it. If it does, I guess it has one alcohol. But in a non-sexual, one non-sexual alcohol. Uh-huh. Absolutly. Cat-Bell, I have to know. Who is this former lover of usador? I mean, usador is quite the latario.

Is it Melissa Cadiwampus? No. Is it Caroline DeBoeve? No. Is it Tracy Tatata? No. Oh, I'd love to hear more about Tracy Tatata. Is it Jen Levy of theata? No. Oh, I'd love to hear more about Tracy tatata. Is it Jen leave you the red? No. Why would you even bring them up? Is it Sigourney Weaver?

Sigourney, he wishes. But which Sigourney Weaver? Like Sigourney the Basket Weaver? Mm-hmm. That one? No, I was thinking of a celebrated Earth actress, Sigourney Weaver. I'm sure none of you would have heard of her, but I feel like she'd be more than a match for you, so they were the blue. Oh, uh-huh. Yeah, I don't know her.

That name is Aliens to me. Wait, you need to tell me that there's some actress upon your, whoa, who you believe could go toe to toe with a fully powered wizard. Oh, yeah, I doubted unless she contained the power of Zool What do you mean by the powers again? I've even heard about this like 30 some years Three years ago off mic user would not shut up about the power of Zulu. I never knew anybody else talked about Zulu. When I was a little pirate, when my parents were throwing me down the stairs, they'd tell me stories about Zulu. Can you tell me a story about Zulu Usur?

Well, of course, Zulu will come into your abode. And he will possess your body. No, wait, I don't possess your body and wait I don't want to hear this and then you float several feet above your bed until your friend plays the piano for a little bit and you turn into a dog. Wow, first she took a swag now she's taking a dog. It's just look all the charm to get. I got it, take another drink. Wow, first she took a swig, now she's taking a drink. What's next, the gulp? Oh, now she's eating the mug.

Wow, she is very powerful. I'm so strong. Another drink, another drink for a friend. Captain Lorraine Abones, can I ask you, you mentioned that your sister stole your ship. What a sheet, babe. What, is there some rift between you and your sister? She took off with my, our little brother.

The two of them turned on me. You know why? Because I'm the middle child. And middle children, do we get any respect? Or are any of your middle children? Which you know? I'm a first born so you know I'm kind of important. I mean he might say I'm the most important person in my family. I mean am I an only child or all the wizards sort of my brothers and sisters? Oh that would

cause lots of problems. No only child. What about you Chan? Yeah only child myself. But I am trying to be empathetic and put myself in your position and I have to assume that to be in the middle you would feel claustrophobic, you'd feel squeezed in by your other siblings on either side of you pressing inward. Actually, it's a little bit of the opposite. It's like I am invisible. Life is unfair. Life is the worst. You know what, I've finished the song with me. You said don't, you saw it, right? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just said everything I knew. You regret what you... John, do you know the song? Oh, do I know any songs? No, do you know that song? No, that song. Do I know any songs? Oh, do you know that song? Not a that songs Do I know any song? Oh, no, I like I like the other question. Chuck do you know any songs?

Boy, I feel like I do, but then when I think of one I can't think of one Hmm Amy not any oh Yeah, is that a song? Sort of maybe close or a jingle yeah boy. Yeah, I don't Sort of maybe close or a jingle. Yeah, boy. Yeah, I don't Hash rays of sorts. Yeah catchphrase probably then I guess I don't know any songs But I would I would love to learn a pirate C-shanty So would I We're in agreement. Yeah, that would that sounds like a lot of fun. That's we should do that later

We'll find some time. Probably if there's some sort of intermission. Yeah we'll carve out some time. Well let's take an intermission now. I'll learn a seashantie and then when we come back, Arnie we'll sing it. Perfect. And we're back during the break, Chant, sang a beautiful C-shanty and started to cry. And then said, and I agreed with him, he said that he wanted to sing it instead of me because it was so important to him. So let's give him this moment. Let me make sure I remember his song.

Well, I got me a boat on the high seas, a main geol dog that's full of fleas. My dog isn't gonna have scurvy. He's buck some nice and curvy. Hey sexy dog. Hey sexy dog. Sexy dog. Hey sexy dog. Sexy dog.

Hey sexy dog. What you doing? Chant. Yeah. Chant. Yes. What are you doing? I just see Shanti. Chant, boy. Yes, fuck are you doin'? I said C-Chanty. That's his nine bones, Thomas.

That is not the C-Chanty you sang during the break. You're making me look like a fucking asshole. You're making yourself look like a fucking asshole. You're making me look like a fucking asshole. Alright, alright, fine. You're making me look like a beautiful C-Chanty during the break. Stop fighting, I'm gonna fight you. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Stop it, stop it, you. Stop it, you! Stop it, you! Stop it, you! Stop it, you! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, stop itusodor. I beg of thee to change thy mind, Chant, lest I transform you. Shit, you can transform yourself. Ah. Mmm, dumbass. Unless I lock you into your current form as a bad man of humanity. I know you don't always, there's pretty much choice.

What? Unless I set the aflame. Oh, be good. That just seems mean. But have you had char broil badger? It's actually not that bad. Oh, I didn't write that. These badgers on fire. Is that a song?

Absolutely, yeah. I didn't want to say anything before, but I have had charcoal batter before. It's delicious. You put it on a little bit of a baguette. You know, it's when you take a bag of gets from the audience. So, yes, you have the audience right down all their gets, put them all in the bag, and then you put a little batter on top of it

Yeah, I mean, that's good. It's a lot of work. Ernie, have you got a chance to go see back at Castello? Who? One of the best duo's in town. What? Third base. Oh You said or saucy still thinking about that sexy dog third base. I I didn't want to say thankfuly. Still thinking about that sexy dog, third base. I did want to say thankful but I am thinking about that sexy dog. Look, before we get back to this interview with Cap and Bones, before we forget, I want to update some of our bets while we're in the casino.

Oh, yeah. We have some bets down on who the next region of Northeastern is going to be, and we're sitting close to the odds board. Like, do we wanna update any of these bets? It looks like some of the odds have changed. I have decided to double down on the wonder tinkle of the goat lady.

Oh, oh, it looks like Sir Scootin' the odds have gotten much worse. It says Sir Scootin' is now dead as hell. Oh, no. But, John, look, the odds on you have gone up somewhat. Ooh, I like their mods. Yeah, it looks like Sammy Fancy pants is catching up with you too. Uh oh.

So what's the story with Sammy Fancy pants again? Well, he was not born into royalty as many of the people on the board are. He, as a commoner, was born to a milner, and decided that he did not wish to spend his life crushing wheat and flour and creating those sorts of products for bakers to use. Instead rather, I shall save my money, and by the fanciest pants in all of Foon, and then he travelled all over Foon, showing people his amazing pants to the point that the Queen and King decided to grant him his own lordship. Wow.

That's how good the pants were. I think I've seen him. He's the guy with the really fancy pants, but no shirt. That's right, that's the guy. You got him. Oh, needs a shirt when you got fancy pants. That's true. It just strikes from how fancy those pants are.

Mm-hmm. But does he get service? Oh, he will not wear shirts. He will not wear shoes, and he needs no service. For all shall grant him whatever boon they will. Lest he stay out of establishments that do require such a kutra months. But he does wear a mask.

Good thing. That's good. It's good, even if he's been jacked, you know, it's important to keep the... It's for others, it's for others. It's a reminder, it's safety, and also, you know, at this point, I feel naked without it. Yeah, look, I'm sorry, I'm jacked. I'm asked to be yesterday, so I have to wear this mask. Why are you playing with us today? Shouldn't you be resting? I mean, I should be resting every day, frankly.

Honestly, in this time, shocked anybody's doing anything other than resting to be on this. Exactly, I'd get nothing done. So, Cap and Vones, tell me about your siblings that ran off with your gosh-hip. Yeah. My gosh-hip, my dear sweet gosh-hip. Okay, first of all, we were meant to split it three ways, but you can't split a shit, right? That's tough, yeah.

You can, you can. So, we were going to... You can, but it will sink. sink yes and we want it in working condition okay my sister okay she thinks that she's better than all of us right because she's out there getting jacks you know she she gives out the jacks and and my parents always said, oh, why aren't you more like your sister? She's out there getting jacks and I said because I, you know, I want to keep on my gosship. That's made a pirate. And it was useless. And so now my sister now she has all this money from giving out the jacks. She said, she's not really giving it out

under those circumstances? I mean, she's being paid very well. Tempt, she's getting tempt. Extremely well. And I'm very happy for the work that she has done. But now she's gone off of my ship because she's told my brother, who is, he's just, you know, he's just out of grammar school,

you know, he's just a little one. He's not, you know, he's just out of grandma school, you know, he's just a little one. And he's not that little. You went to grandma school? Arnie, grandma school in Fune is, you learn to like, be sweet and like, hand out hard candies and you read a lot of like, murder, mysteries, stuff like that. Don't forget, it's a lot of yarn work. Oh, so much yarn work. And a lot of, you're getting so skinny work.

I have to imagine not enough young boys are studying to be grandmas. No, and that's why, you know, we figured my sister and I could take care of most things. He's a lot younger than we are. And so, you know, like, he gets to be sensitive. He's a pie says than we are and so you know like he gets to be sensitive you know he's he's a Pisces. A Pisces? Yeah a Pisces you know sometimes when you bake a pie and and someone says hey that pie is so sweet he's a Pisces. Oh that makes sense in it it dovetails nicely with the grandma school. Is Daddy grandma? Yeah is Daddy grandma? Yeah, is Daddy Grandma, is Daddy Pisces? No, look, Daddy's not grandma, Daddy's pizza.

Is Daddy Pizza? Daddy's pizza. Yeah. I'm just gonna erase that, Daddy is pizza. Now, I have, Daddy. I mean, I've eaten so much pizza, I'm like 90% pizza. Honey, do you know about the great grandma migration? The great grandma migration now?

Yes, oh yes, Foon is very short of grandmothers for some- Let alone great grandmothers. Yeah, oh, even worse, about 40 years ago, a portal opened up and many of the grandmothers of Foon were drawn to the portal and they went away. Obviously since then other people have continued to have children and grandchildren. So I won't get him back up there, but for some reason, the portal only drew in grammars. So that's why they started grammar schools.

And you know what? Some of the gothship that I heard is that they went to Southeast Asia. Cause there's a lot of sun there. And you know what happens when a grandma is in the sun? What? She gets enough fighting and she'd be happy. Oh, that's good.

Let me go on like a grandma in the sun. Is that a song? So the gosship, to my understanding, the gosship sales the TMCs, right? And that's where you put all your gosships. All the gosships right on the TMCs? Okay, when I was on the ship, we weren't on the TMCs right and that's where you put all your gossips all the gossips right on the TMCs okay when I was on the ship we weren't on the TMCs because our gossips was true our gossips was honest and our gossips was legitimate but my siblings now they're on the TMCs because my sister when and

now she doesn't want her you know jacks ups up money, she wants the TMC's money. Which I think is just, it's despicable. Sensational. Well, I have to say, I mean, even if it's honest, even if it's real, I mean, your pirate gosships are right up in their face. Like, I feel like the gosships just wait outside a port for anyone and then he just like, swarm them. Like, feel like the the gosships just wait outside a port for anyone and then

he just like swarm them. Like it's kind of annoying. Like you're kind of you're kind of terrible. Sean. What? Who are you? Oh great question. I've never asked that before. I've never asked that. I mean if I'm being honest I'm realizing I'm pretty upset that my parents never threw me down the stairs. I, that's a good place to start It just sucks that you know to know that I was never thrown down the stairs It's never too late. Oh, all right. All right. Okay. Sorry hang on a second. Come on Yeah, we're going to the stairs come on stairs come on come on

Oh boy that should make him happy I'm sorry again just just no you said I'm hurt Wow that was so fun you know in my head I thought I was gonna hit every stair but you saw her through me so hard I hit the opposite wall and slid down so cool. Thank you daddy magic.. Oh, you're welcome. Captain Lorena bones, can I ask what are the names of your brother and sister? Okay. It's a sore subject because they got the cool names and I did not. My sister's name is Bagga. Bagga bones? bagu. And my brother is named listing. Listen bones. And I got Lorraine, like sort of flower, boring. Oh, and bagubones. Is that the pirate that

married Duke Vance? Why would you bring that? Maybe that's just a legend. Maybe that's just a legend. It's not. It's not a legend and I'll tell you why because my sister Chosen over all of the other proper mates, you know why because he's It's okay take your time. It's the legend of bag of vans is a lot to work through. I think we all agree It's profession is It's swinging a stick. Right. Yeah. And now one should get that much credit for walking into some greenery and swinging a stick. Yeah. He's a shrubmer. And most of his days most of his days are rest days Look, I'm very sorry to bring it up and honestly my whole life. I never thought

For a second I would bring up the legend of bag of ants, but I did and I'm sorry Not a legend anymore now. You know it's true. It's not a legend, but I I heard it is a song. Did you want to sing a song, honey? I'll be chant said he would sing it. Oh, sorry, Chant. Hey, bag of vans. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, what's with your baggy pants? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, you being so caddy, you looking so flabby.

Hey, bag of vans, what's your sexy dog's name? Got that sexy dog. what's your sexy dog's name? Got that sexy dog. Who's that sexy dog? Look at him over there, who's that sexy dog? What the fuck are you doing? You're embarrassing me. You're embarrassing yourself. Fuck you.

Also, while you're babysitting a Sylvester and Sylvester, maybe less singing about sexy dogs. Oh yeah. I mean, Pave is we're in a casino. People, they lose their filter. We've been drinking. What? What? Writing is yours. What writing is your alcohol that you've been having? Oh, it's a hard hour. Oh, be careful talking about a hard hour. you are a specific color of magic and I wouldn't want you to be stepping in. No, you got to turn it to the side. It's penis. They just gave it penis juice. Oh, it's great though.

Yeah, it tastes good. So cap and bones, I gotta know you've heard about us through all the gossip and gossip. And you know something about Yusur's ex lover. Can you give us any further details, even just a hint? A teensy, winty hint? You want a hint. Why I want a hint? Yusur door from what I've heard.

She is your greatest love, yeah? Oh no. Is it himself? No. So it's not a metaphor. It's not a metaphor. It's not a metaphor. Listen, we're being emotional.

Well, we're not that emotional. We haven't had that much self-growth yet. Listen, we're still working with our machinations. I am strong. I am strong. I am lovable. I am loved. If it's my greatest love, and it's not Geneva. Oh, is it must be Gladys the Angry Penguin? Oh, yeah, it's gotta be Gladys the Angry Penguin.

Is it Gladys the Angry Penguin? That's not what I was waiting for. Look Oh, look as far as I could tell, everyone knows that you're true love. Your true love that you never talk about is Gladys the angry penguin. Just as sure as your true brother is Crapdoor. No, no, I am not related to Crapdoor. That is absolutely not canon.

That's not why I... No, you heard wrong. I know, you're so serious. I'm sorry, real quick. Don don't say not cannon around a pirate. Oh, he's triggering Sorry sorry sorry sorry. It must be gum crust Oh, I didn't say it. I didn't say it. You said it. I didn't say it She who I was destined to fall in love with and an alternate timeline and watch her arms ripped off at least twice Maybe isn't that always the way I

Wonder whatever became of her I would have to imagine she's somewhere Having her arms ripped off. I mean it seems to be what happens. Sorry. I'm laughing about it It's really it's really quite sad. When is the last time you saw Gurm? Cap and Bones. Me? In the before times. Oh, the before times.

But I miss her desperately. We had very good chums. We used to see each other every week. We used to play games and share gossip and empower each other with machinations. But we don't have that anymore. Can I say and maybe I don't mean to pry, but Kevin Bowen said I noticed you have a necklace with a little locket and I just happen to notice that it's slightly open. And it's known my business, but is that painting of gum

in that locket? It is. On the other side, it's our other friends. Worm, squirm, and norm. We all used to play together, but now we've been forced apart. Worm, squirm, and norm. I was heard about them, they seem so nice. So those are all friends, like they're not related in any way. Is it a coincidence of their names all run?

No. Of course. Yes, though, you think it is a coincidence? What are you saying? Oh no, I'm saying it's not a coincidence. It's impossible for that to not have been a coincidence. If you want an example of a coincidence, the coincidence would be that I'm saying it's not a coincidence. It's impossible for that to not have been a coincidence. If you want an example of a coincidence, the coincidence would be that I'm also wearing a locket and inside there's a picture of Krapdoor who I'm definitely not related to.

And not gum? Hmm, I bet she'll be upset to hear that. And I guess if we're all being honest, I'm also wearing a locket. I just kind of nestled it into my fur here and if we open it up, what we see is two halves of the sexiest dog ever seen. Alright, Arnie, what's in your locket? Capital one. Well, Captain Lorraine Abones, thank you so much for being on the podcast. Wait, was I on a podcast this whole time?

I'm so sorry I should have, ethically I should have told you, we've been recording this whole time. Well, and I believe it's broadcast in real time, so you can't take it back. It's too late now, we must live with our mistakes, yeah? I did. You did share a lot of gossip. I don't know. I do. Am I listening?

It's been so long since I've been on a gossip. And sometimes when you're around, are the people that actually want to listen to you for once? It just, it all spills out, you know? You get what is it called? Vomit mouth. Oh yes, classic condition of vomit mouth I have one last question for you captain though and you catch up with your sister What are you going to do

When I catch up with my sister what am I going to do? We'd fight her in a duel Will you throw her off a ship? No, you know, words it more. I think I'll remind her that she never got to run down the stairs. Hopefully, all wounder and nothing art, that, you know, she'll give me my ship back to go, you know, deal with her own issues. Oh, good man.

Why? I thank you so much. And also another reason why a rasbin and her, eh, you know, is a thing. Do Vance. On it, do you have an email? You know what, I do have an email, which is good because I was just gonna talk about Duke Vance.

I do have an email here, just a reminder to the listeners, you can always email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.com. It's a real email address. And you can email me at chuntedjima.com, that's chunt with six teas. Yeah, and to both email addresses, please feel free to just email, is this real email address. And you can email me at chantedgeema.com. That's chant with six teas. Yeah. And to both email addresses, please feel free to just email, is this real email address? And that's it. That's the whole email because we can never get enough of those. But let's please slow down on the number

of cat inuses that people are sending me. And you can always go to usadorox.com where you can't interact with me at all. I feel like this is the one place where Yusidor has clearly made better choices than we have. Anyway, I have an email and it says, I write to you as I plant soybeans on the great open lands of Illinois. It is currently 1 a.m. And the only reason I can still stay awake is because of you find gentlemen plus guests.

That includes you, Gavin Bones. I said, me! Wow, I've never seen a soybean before. You know what? I don't know that I have either. I've seen like the end product of a soybean. Maybe ask your listeners what they do while listening to your podcast. You may be surprised about the impact you have on all of us. Thanks, Josh.

Listeners, what are you doing right now? Hey listeners, what are you doing right now? You planting a soybean? Stop, we don't need it anymore. Go to bed, it's one in the morning. Stop planting soybeans. You said or giant also cappin' bones, if you had to speculate, what are some of the things listeners do while listening to the podcast the toilet

Yeah, they do the toilet Operate I suspect they draw arcane symbols all around them And then light candles and begin to chant and begin to focus their minds and their energy and then they defecate in the middle of the circle. That's a toilet. Yeah. Yeah, it's a mystical toilet. Use the door. Come up with your own answer. Sorry. You know if I had to guess, I feel like a fair number of our listeners, well listen to the podcast. They're driving around in the spring weather. It's beautiful outside, but they're keeping their windows up because they don't know what a knowing bullshit we're gonna say on this podcast.

They do not want that sound to go out the windows of their car. Oh, I was thinking that they were afraid of getting the pollen inside. Isn't it pollen time in Illinois? I don't know. Sometimes on the gosship we talk about, you know, weather. That's gonna be a slow gossip week. Sometimes on the gosship we talk about, you know, weather. That's gonna be it. That's gonna be a slow, gossip week talking

about the weather. I think you want to go to my school. Arnie, can you read the first line of that email again? I write to you as I plant soybeans on the great open lands of Illinois. Arnie, are you sure they're not saying I rate to you? Maybe they're mad. Oh, they might be. Maybe it's our fault sure they're not saying, I rate to you? Maybe they're mad. Oh, they might be. Maybe it's our fault that they're up at one in the morning planting soybeans. Are you open your mouth and smile?

Do you like a weird open mouth smile? And the soy face. That's the face you make when you eat soybeans. I have to believe if you are at a crossing walk on your world of earth as I understand it from my brief time there in the 1980s and your windows were rolled down and the sound that came out was a grown man's voice seeing about sexy dogs, someone would get in trouble. It's not a few as sipping on gin and juice. looks, someone would get in trouble. Look, listen, if you are currently driving around, not on the highway, through a relatively

populated area, listening to our words, roll those windows down. For the next minute, it's going to be safe. And good, we're not going to say anything weird. Trust us, roll those windows down for the rest of the episode turn the volume up So Bum bum bum you'll be a sexy dog sexy dog sexy dog

Judd god damn it You're fucking embarrassing about what I know I sing about what I know Some person is gonna drive by and hear that Hey person in the other car. I want to make sweet love to you pedestrians. I have soiled mine self Good one a political opinion that I believe in but I worry I'm driving through an area where people don't agree with me. Eh, that was not so great. I'll be glad to do it before that one.

I've often wondered about the perfect activity to match the energy and quality level of this audio production, and planting soybeans comes damn close. You've been interring legumes while listening to a hello from the Magic Tavern. Let's just say one of these activities can be considered productive. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunked the talking badger was played by Adolf Refyre. Captain Lorena Bones was played by special guest Anna Silver. Follow her at the Anna Silver Show on Instagram and at the Anna Silver on Twitter.

Russian hackers took the Anna Silver Show account on Twitter. Not cool Russia between this and Chair Noble I'm really starting to have second thoughts about you. Anna will be in the Chicago just for laughs aud additions on May 27th at the laugh factory. The evil skinny dog kids Silvestra and Silvestor were played by Mujan Zulfigari and Seth Lind from the podcast Mission to Zix. It was just for a second but they were there. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Necam, Matt Young and Adolfaia, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Irwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz, special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by

Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Today's episode brought to you by the Soybean Council of America. Soybeans, the healthy treat that will spice up any meal, boil or roast them for a side dish, hide them in the center of mashed potatoes to remind your family that you're capable of anything, or scatter the bag of them on the floor to distract an approaching vampire. Soybeans, when the lights are off, they'll be whatever you want them to be.