Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 92 - Not a Unicorn (w/ Amber Nash)

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

A visit to the Unicorn Ranch leads to a meeting with Greg the Unicorn... who is very clearly a Pegasus.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGreg the Pegasus: Amber NashMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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sewers of Derry, here we are again with another episode. In the center of town the new podcast Bill clangs, but on the outskirts, a young woman watches the sun melt into the horizon from the doorway of a dark and house. She marks the silence, then mutters to herself, don't start a game of chess with a handful of pawns. In the morning she'll throw her bags in the car and start driving. But first, So she sits back to enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host Arne and you can't. If you've never listened to a podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Six years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and also just to stop any political unrest in North Eastia while there's a transfer of power of who's going to be the region of North Eastia. You know, that'll kind of story. I am joined, as always, by my co-host.

He, I'm gonna just say it, frankly, he's got too many animals with him. Chump the talking badger. Oh, yeah, baby. It's so fun to have, you know, just some compatriots, some companions. You know, it's just, it feels nice to be responsible for things, I guess.

So I have three pets, and Of course I am babysitting, but I lost track of them. But what's this now? Oh, let's track of them. But I'm sure they'll come back. But it is so nice to be connected with nature out here. Like to get away from the city was so cool. And you know, I'm sure it will be cool when we go back. But to just escape for a little bit, to reconnect with nature? It's kind of, you know, I don't know. I feel like I want to write poetry or something. Like I keep staring at this pond over here, the sort of silver pond, and I feel like I have a whole poem I want to write. Oh, interesting. Is it going to be like really a beat, or really a beat poem? It'll probably be sad. Oh, in order for something to be a poem, I think it has to be tragic.

You never hear any funny poems, right? Those are lyrics. Oh, in order for something to be a poem, I think it has to be tragic. Huh. You never hear any funny poems, right? Those are Limericks. Oh, that's right. This is what I was thinking about. I prefer Limericks. Oh, I dread seeing a silver pond. For I know next comes the golden pond, where I must eventually retire myself. That reminds me, uh, what was that play that I thought was called on Golden Bond,

but was about two old guys who have sweaty nuts? I think you're thinking about the play about Shaq. No, that, oh yeah, you're right, wet nuts. That's right. Clearly worth revisiting. Arnie, if the poems are too sad and you don't want to look at this pond, I could build a walled-in. A walled-in pond? I could build a wall then. Oh, I'm sorry. To block you, your view from the pond.

Okay, I mean, I'm already with this pond. Okay. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Use the Door of the Blue. I am Use the Door, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus,

the elves nobius f Trakis, the elves Nobius Fiengallek, the dwarves Noomi is zoning in hook stangies and I am known in the northeast as gasmweinius Mastar, but there may be other secret names. Names? The fair eye did sneak upon you in the night and whisper them in your ear. A dream unlike any other would begin to form a nine brain that would surely drive you mad. Oh, that's good. I'm going to use that in my poem. A dream unlike any other. Each day a bone in the ribs of life. This is good stuff. This is good stuff. I knew we shouldn't have gone out into the nature. You're starting to write poems.

You're talking about sneaking into my room at night and whispering things in my ear that's gonna drive me insane. Arnie, this isn't just nature. This is a unicorn ranch, which isn't just my favorite dressing for a salad, but it is a way for us to reconnect with nature, okay? Also, why do you think nature requires a definite article? I-I don't know. The nature.

Look, yes. I was an English major in college back on my world. Do I remember any of it? No. The nature. The nature. Arnie, what's an adverb? What's adverb you?

Huh. T.J. Arnie, do you want to meet some of the um, you know, we're here at the Unicorn Ranch? Oh, watch out, watch out. Oh, sorry. There's a bad verb you. T-Shay. Arnie, do you want to meet some of the, you know, we're here at the unicorn ranch? Oh, watch out, watch out. Oh, sorry. There's a cattle snake there. A cattle?

Yeah, a cattle snake? Yep, you hear that ominous move? That's a cattle snake. Be careful. Oh my God, there's a snake with the cow on the end of its tail. Yeah, let's go with that. It shakes its tail and moves. It's terrifying.

Ooh. It'll squirt milk at you if you're not careful. Well, howdy go with that. It shakes its tail and moves, it's terrifying. Ooh. It'll squirt milk at you if you're not careful. Well, howdy, partners! You must be my party of three that I've been waiting on. Oh, yes, I thought ahead to make a reservation. I am Yusudah, the blue, great wizard of food. Hi, and I'm Chant the shapeshifter. It's so nice to meet you. And I'm Arnie, I'm from wizard of food. Hi, and I'm Chant the shapeshifter. It's so nice to meet you.

And I'm Arnie, I'm from another world. Oh, what's real nice to meet you? Welcome to the unicorn ranch. Ooh, mate, I offer you some refreshment. Oh, that would be lovely. It's a pleasure to meet you. I must ask, what is thy name? Oh, my name's Greg.

A Greg. I'm sorry, I just, you caught me off guard because, well, you know, this is awkward. Long go, it's going insane. I don't get upset by things. Oh, I didn't expect to come to a unicorn ranch. I mean, greeted by a, you know, a, a, a, a, a, a, what? A Pegasus, a Pegasus, a wing at a horse. A Peggo, what? Well, I'm a unicorn.

I just, well, my brother Chad always said, I just didn't get baked right. I didn't come out with a horn like he did. I just came out with these darned old wings that don't do nothing but lay there. Oh, so you are a unicorn. I mean, I was born into a family of unicorns and this family business of unicorn ranch and so, I mean, what else could I be?

Well, I can't argue with that. Well, you're a very beautiful unicorn and maybe one of the most unique. Well, that's not what Chad says. Chad says I ain't nothing but an old baloney pony. Oh. Well, that's very sad. Chad's on 300 years old. I take you with Chad.

I think you shouldn't listen to him. I think you should listen to the beautiful creature that resides within side yourself. Oh, well, goodness. Well, that's why they stick me up here at the front gate to greet everyone, because I'm not allowed to go out on the drives, but that's what you guys are here for, aren't you?

Oh, absolutely. So you see, Arnie, in Foon, when you live in a large city like Northeastia, sometimes you need to get out, and you need to experience, as you would say, the nature and one way to do that is to go to a unicorn ranch and to go on a unicorn drive. I mean, this sounds very exciting. I'm excited. Yes. Well, we need to get you all outfitted. Oh, great. Oh, well, you know what? I'm so sorry, Greg. Could you excuse me for just one moment? I want to ask, I do something like a personal thing.

I wanted to ask Yusador and Chant about. Oh, what is it? Oh, is this about your neck? What's, what about, what about, what about, a weird neck and it just seems like you finally noticed it? Or, I don't, I don't. What were you gonna say? No, I was just gonna say, I know like everything

on this world isn't exactly what I expect, so I just wanna be clear. Do unicorns sometimes have floppy wings instead of horns? Oh, no, I've never noticed that before. I think this might be a Pegasus, and he doesn't know. If I'm being honest, I think it's a Gregic kiss. Oh, we should find out.

Well, I guess we shouldn't find out. We should just accept them as they are. For the lovely, the way they are. Sure. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh unicorns as such as yourself we're supposed to feed them with our fingers uh... curled upwards uh... so that they can suck on our fingers if they want to all that's right it's it's just like when you're chopping when you learn how to correctly use a knife supposed to curl your fingers under so you don't chop the tips of them off

and it's the opposite with unicorns you want them to have all your fingertips so they can chop them off they can suck them off it's real fun for that does sound fun so I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I just want to be clear how many people come here and pay for a day to see the unicorns so they can get sucked off I mean we we see a million customers a year so you got a badger at least let's say at least 5% of those are here to get sucked

off by unicorns. Arning, you didn't even have to ask that question. Look at the sign here, unicorn ranch, over a million sucked. Oh, come on. Okay. I mean, if you live in a big city like Northeast, like you said, I said before, it pays to go out and to discover nature again and to relax with a unicorn by your side It's a unicorn takes you on a beautiful ride through the countryside and perhaps through the town and meanwhile

As you're being sucked off you just feel the relaxation coursing through your entire body. Wait, so you're riding a unicorn And also holding your hand. Don't worry, you'll find out. All the suckers get fucked. It's true, you hold your hand in front of its mouth. We call it a reacher. Brown. It's awkward, but it's worth it.

I was I was called a road hand, but I think that's reacher hand is probably much better. Settle hand, perhaps. Arnie, whatever you do, don't keep your hand flat. Now, Greg, I guess, I mean, Greg, the unicorn. Uh-huh. I don't want to be presumptuous, but it feels like you're a little self-conscious about your lack of horn.

I have this corn dog that I was going to finish, but I can give you this corn dog if you want to tape it to your forehead. Oh, that's a great idea. I could just use the stick and stick it into my eye. Oh, don't stick it in your eye. You're beautifull. Well, I can't imagine it staying on with just tape. Ah, that is where it is useful to have a powerful wizard with you.

I shall use my magic to stick this stick on your forehead. Oh, that's fantastic. You so I didn't even think about using your magic instead of taping a corn dog. Why? Why don't you make the corn dog grow a horn? And then we can tap that to their head. I didn't think of that either. Honestly, I to Greg, because they're clearly gonna hurt themselves. If a corn dog's considered sharp, then I'm out. Yeah, I shall now use a magical incantation to-

Oh, wait, wait, wait! Wait, I don't know, I don't know if I'm ready for all this. I mean, I've been looking up to all these unicorns my whole life and just feeling inferior. And, I mean, maybe I'm just not worth all that magic. I maybe shouldn't have a horn. I don't know if I can handle its powers. Well, you've got 30, 35 minutes to think about it. And if you decide you want to have a horn

by the end of this episode, we'll give you a horn. But take your time, think about it, understand it's a big change. Yeah, you know what, you said, I think maybe we should learn from this ourselves. We should maybe have a new policy. Let's not magically change anybody until at least after the break, right?

Because sometimes we just really rush into it. Aroth, troth, troth, troth. I fixed your neck. Oh, this feels weird. It looks much better. Everything looks a little too level. Greg, if it makes you feel better, you wouldn't quite be a unicorn. You'd be a unicorn dog, which is just a slightly unique version of it.

Oh, that sounds great. A unicorn dog. I'll take that into consideration as I'm deciding over the next 35 minutes if I'm up for it. Oh, good, good. Can we get shown around a little bit? Yeah, great. You're mentioning the costumes. There are the things that we have to change into. Well, we need to get outfitted. I wouldn't call it a costume. It's not a shitty little

fuck around we're doing this serious business. Yeah, it's not a shitty little fuck around, honey. That's right. I'm sorry. We passed the shitty little fuck around on our way here. And I was I got confused about where we were going. That's a great bar. I heard that that's where I was conceived Well Okay, now everybody needs to go to their lock box each one of you have one that's got your name on it Oh, that's got everything you need to put on so that you're safe out on the trails Whoa, oh, I got my open Arnie look at this. Asseless chaps.

Oh, wow. That's so that both my buttholes can feel the smoothness of a unicorn's back. Now, I understand this is some sort of cattle drive. So I'm concerned that what's inside my lock box is a cattle costume that I am supposed to dress up like one of the cows. Am I experiencing the cattle drive from the point of view of the cow? Well, you did make the reservation and now you're trying to pretend that this wasn't your ideal, but this is what you asked for when you paid. Come on, great play-law. Let me have this moment where they think that I didn't ask to be the kind of... Oh, okay, sorry, sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's just how things work around here.

We find the weakest looking of the bunch and then we put a cow costume in their lock box. How dare you, but I'll gladly do it. Arnie, put on your... what do you have in your locker? Why is my locker... there's a knife and a note that says you know what to do. Huh. Why is my locker, there's a knife and a note that says you know what to do. Well, that's part of the game and you'll figure it out just like I'll figure out if I want to become a unicorn by the end of this. Well, a unicorn with a horn that is. I think we're all going to learn a lot about ourselves today. Yeah.

We certainly are and there's many educational opportunities. For example, we got to each one of you has got to find your right unicorn. Now, do you know how to correctly size yourself to the right size unicorn? Any guesses? You measure from your elbow to your middle finger, and that's the size of horn you want?

Oh my God, that is exactly right! I did it! It's almost like you've done this before. I've never, they don't know that I've done this before. Oh, I can't believe you got that right! You could have never done this before, how's that? Thank you. Very good, thank you.

Thank you. Okay, so let's see, for my elbow to the tip of my finger. Okay, let me sign up, all right. Ooh, I think I found one. It's a little tiny unicorn. This must be a little baby. That's right. We have all shapes and sizes of unicorns. Now, do you know how long unicorns live?

Uh, I thought forever. That's right. So a baby, I mean, we have no idea how old he is. He could be 400 years for all we know. Aw, what are you wearing at me? Where did that baby come from? You don't know how old it is? No, because age is time. I don't know how it works. It sounds like most of the babies come from the shitty little

fucker on from what Greg was seeing before. That's right. That's where I came from. And the baby's just show up. Everybody goes to bed. And once a year, everybody wakes up the next morning and there's just some babies running around. What a beautiful picture.

That one day the grounds are just covered with baby unicorns, just a whole new batch of ears. I love that image. I've certainly never seen it because this is my first time here. It is beautiful as... Oh never mind. It is beautiful to behold, but you know, however these unicorns get here, there's a lot of them that next day, but that's because so many of them die. So it's actually a pretty exciting day in the morning,

but then it gets pretty grim by the evening. A lot of goring, a lot of goring. That's right. Yeah. Little unicorns. I don't know how their legs work yet. And their horns are real sharp. Oh. Oh, are they kind of like puppies where their teeth are like extra sharp at first?

Yeah, and their breath smells weird. But you think it's cool, but then you find out it's because of some kind of worm thing that makes their breath smell like that. Oh. Oh, I can't run on the back of this baby unicorn. So tiny. Do you mind if instead of writing it, I just walk with it arm and arm like it prom?

Oh, that's absolutely fine. You just got to make sure to leave enough distance in between you for Jesus. All right, everybody suit it up and found their unicorn? I'm all set. I'm ready to go. Oh, I hate, I mean, I don't want to make any of the unicorns feel bad by not picking them. You seem like you're having some reservations. You want to talk about anything? Well, of course we have reservations. You said, or you called the head, right? Yeah, I made reservations.

Yeah, we have reservations. On each you have another reservation? Well, do the unicorns feel bad if you don't pick them? Well, we tell people that they don't because, you know, we don't want our guests to have a lot of guilt when they're having this magnificent adventure, but the truth is, you must have high emotional intelligence to have caught on so quickly. They do get quite sad. It's like when you go to a strip club and there's a lot of strippers that are trying to get you to go to the back room with them, but you can only pick one because it's expensive. Sure. We're talking about the shitty little fuck around again, right? Yeah.

And I guess also just like a strip club, I can tell that all these unicorns are really into me. This is so wild. They totally are. Greg, would you mind which unicorn here gets picked the least? Maybe I can help out a unicorn that never gets picked. Oh, that's real sweet. It's like going to the pound and picking out the dog that's been there the longest.

Okay, well, you see over there, over behind that tree, that walnut tree? Yeah, oh, you mean that dirty lump of sack or what is that is that some sort of pile of dead fru-ter? Oh, oh goddesses, it has a horn. That's a unicorn. I thought it was a donkey eating a potato. Yeah, it does look like a giant pile of shit But it does have a horn the only thing that you have to have to be a unicorn It's like dirty laundry with a mouth. That's Francis. Francis has been here for a long time,

longer than any of us remember. And as we established earlier, well, unicorns never die, so we don't know how old Francis is, but we think he might be the very first unicorn ever to have existed. Oh, wow. What a joy to ride the first unicorn,

even though it's decrepit and looks like a sack of shit that just is gonna die any second, even though it won't, because it's immortal. Wait till you smell them. I can smell them. I can smell them from here. Yeah, we can smell them from here. And great, just to be clear,

unicorns never die, unless another unicorn gores them with their horn, right? That's right, and then they die terrible, a long-gay to day. It's very, very sad to watch. Wait a minute, are you? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not. Should we have a good old-fashioned game of chicken,

where we put one of you on Francis, and one of you on a young Unicorn that knows this stuff and see if we can get that one to go Francis and put him out of his misery It's exactly what I was thinking. That's exactly what I was thinking Ernie I was thinking about the show extant on earth, but that sounds like it would work Wait, am I gonna be writing a dying unicorn? You just said you want the one that's picked least. I think it has to be you, but there is one concern. I mean, I don't know if it's true or not, but I've heard that if the first unicorn ever to have existed dies, then all unicorns cease to exist. I never heard that, but it sounds right to me.

Okay, so that's one con to this plan. But let's go, let's, are there any more pros? With all that unicorn magic, be released out into the world and potentially create beautiful rainbows and love and goodness and understanding. Probably, it'd be like Easter eggs scattered all over the place and anybody that picks one up becomes a magical creature

Bonnie if you ever had an eastern egg and eastern what is what is an eastern egg an eastern egg is an egg that you get from the far Eastern regions of food I they're very big, but if you crack them open there's a there's a white and a yolk and a little prize Oh what what's yours happy? Oh, you know like open, there's a white and a yolk and a little prize. Oh, what? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? on referees. That's how eggs work, right? What you eat ends up inside the egg. Mostly, but there's also dadberry eggs where if any dad and food needs a lot of berries, the dad will lay an egg, but the inside is a little different. It's a little sweeter, a little creamier. It's good for one bite and then I never want to eat another one again. Sure. Until the next year and then I'm like, I think I do want this and then I take one bite

and I go, never again get this, get this health food away from me. And then the following year I'm like, oh, I think I like these. And then I take one bite and I get, it's just, it's a vicious circle. Arnie, if you ever had peeps like buds, no, it's when a stranger looks at you in the night

through the window and watches you sleep. You're talking about yourself aren't you? Shhh quiet. Greg I'd be remiss to ask, how do I phrase this? Is saying that you think you're a unicorn to put that nicely, has anybody ever chosen you? Oh no, Chad made sure to tell me that I was never allowed to get chosen, that nobody was ever allowed to ride me because I was no good and somebody could get hurt and that I was never allowed to get chosen. Then nobody was ever allowed to ride me because I was no good and somebody could get hurt and that I was not fit to be on the trails with a passenger on my back. I really like to have some words with Chad.

He's real big. Uh oh. Oh, there mine. I was going to say, do you want us to be up Chad, but I'm joking. That's just a joke. How big is a Chad? How big of a unicorn is Chad? Well, there I thought was a big white tree, but am I crazy?

Is that a unicorn leg? Look at him, shimmering in the sunlight. You can see the heat coming off of his massive body as he stands up. Oh, isn't he glorious? Too bad he's such an asshole. Yeah, speaking of which, we're at an angle to really get a look at his asshole too.

I have so much heat. He's beautiful, but huge. Like a small house or like a big shed. And that's kind of the size of a unicorn that he I would describe him as for our listening audience. Yet his life size doesn't intimidate me, but yet I think I must have words with Chad before we do leave here today. Well, good luck!

I shall go do it. Right now! Chad, come here! I have to speak to you. You have been cruel to your friend Greg. You're very... Oh shit! Chad just swallowed him! Wow! Oh... Oh shit, Chad just swallowed him. Wow. Oh. Oh hi.

We knew something would kill you, Sador eventually. I just didn't expect it to happen to a unicorn farm. Branch. Fuck, is this, great. Does this mean we can't ride anymore? Well, I don't like to tell people this when they first come in the gates, but as you can probably tell, most unicorns are assholes.

Chad's not a special case. He's just one of the guys around here. I'm very sorry about your friend. If you like, I can bury him out back in the pond. Honestly, no need. Just a partial refund if you don't mind. Sure. I can feed the rest of his body to the unicorns. They like fresh meat. Oh, I guess I always imagined that unicorns were vegetarian. No, they love bloody raw meat. They like to pull it right off of an animal as it's dying. They're vicious creatures.

Arnie, usurers gonna be fine, but we need that partial refund. Oh, that's right. Pretend like usadors. refund. Oh, that's right. Pretend like you use the doors. Okay Oh Boy, yeah, I'm sorry our friend that is definitely not borderline immortal is gone. So I'm gonna need that partial refund. I don't know like do I have to fill anything out to get that back? Well, I mean, I don't usually deal with the

I don't get that back. Well, I mean, I don't usually deal with the finances around here. I can't get into the system. They didn't give me a password to get in, but I guess I could just pull this water money out of my boot. I wear boots. And, you know, just peel off a few hundreds. However much, I don't even know how much they charge for these things I was saving up this money to get the plum and fixed in my RV but uh it's okay I'll give you a partial refund out of my own cash. Oh, I'm chiant. Oh I feel bad. Greg has an RV a resident village. I

mean it's so much money to keep a village going, I feel so bad. Maybe. Oh, do you, I have some. Do you mind if, maybe I just keep the chaps and you keep the money? Sure, I mean, if you take them down to the shitty little fuck around, you can probably fetch quite a nice price for those things. All right, deal. Do they have merch at the shitty little fuck around?

Cause I love to walk away with a t-shirt. Oh yeah, they have truckers hats. Cause those seem to come in and out of style every five or 10 years, you know. And they have low rise jeans like the kind that Britney Spears used to wear at the heart of her fame. They say shitty little fuck around down one leg.

So now on my world, it's so funny. On my world there's someone named Britney Spears, but who is Britney Spears around here? Oh, well, she's actually Chad's wife, and her name is Spears because the Spears family of unicorns, well they have more than one horn. The whole right side of their body is lined with horns. They're very deadly. Oh, God. Are we?

How many people die here? Like, I guess I didn't think about this place being dangerous at all. Oh, well, I know I told you that we had a million visitors a year. And, uh, well, let's just say that pond outbacks pretty full of dead bodies. Yeah, looking at closely from here, it kind of looks like I could walk across the top of that pond. Yeah, you wouldn't want to though, it's pretty slippery. Oh! I quickly made it my way through Chad's digestive system, and now I am back.

Goodness, what was it like in there? You know, sometimes when you're inside someone and you're about to exit their asshole, you think, this guy's just a jerk. That's what... Cool. What about his digestive system, did you think that? You know, just had sort of an attitude and all the belt buckles. A lot of shitty posters on the intestine walls.

Yeah, a lot of weird posters, a lot of black light stuff, not my jam. Totally. Probably bought a lot of those posters from that weird guy Spencer. Well, there's two Spencer's, they suck. Why don't we take a quick break and then begin our journey?

Yeah, can we host Yusidor off somehow? He's really covered in unicorn shit. No, thank you Wow, I think you know, I think this might be the first time we've recorded an episode while I think this might be the first time we've recorded an episode while riding unicorns. Well I'm walking arm and arm with this baby unicorn, but you guys are riding so down just a little bit, so down, so down, so down. Oh, yes. Now partners, I just want to remind you, this isn't all fun in games, you do have a job to do. While you're on the back of these unicorns, you've got to drive these cattle onto the trail.

We've got to get them to the other side of the ranch, just like he would have in olden times. Yeah, I never understood that. In olden times in Foon, there were these ranchers and they would have heard cattle to one side and then heard them back to the other side and then heard them to the other side. And back and back and forth, and I just never understood why. Yeah, Greg, what's up with all of this hurting and moving of the unicorns? That's a very good question and it allows me to give you some more education around. Now you see, the way that it works is that there's some land that's better for cows to

be on because there's more for them to eat and they have more space. But sadly, at the end of their lives, they gotta go get slaughtered so that hungry people can eat them up. So the easiest way in olden times to get a bunch of cows from one place to another because there weren't any vehicles to do that was to make them walk there to their death. Isn't that nice? What a funny story. to make them walk there, to their death. Isn't that nice? What a funny story. It's an amazing and beautiful part of the tapestry of food.

And that's why I've decided today to dress like cattle mine self, even though I'm riding a top of unicorn. I want the cattle to have something to aspire to. That's right, and don't forget, wave up there. Chris is our photographer, and he's making a DVD full photographs for you to take home with him. Oh, that's wonderful. I can't wait to remember everything

we've documented here today. Oh, and Arnie, just so you know, on a ranch, DVD stands for die, viciously die. Yeah, so they just, as the cattle are killed in the abattoir. Um, the... What's this? There's an abattoir? Abattoir?

Yeah, an abattoir, where cows are killed slaughtered even. Um, so, um, the photographer will capture our image in a painting, um, while the cows are dying viciously, dying. Oh. They also have an abattoir at the shitty little fuck around. Mama Mia, really? Yeah, you can get in. It's fun.

My, my. I don't think I could resist that. Not many can. Well Greg, I must ask you more about your life here on the branch. Every day, they'll drive the cattle back and forth and bring the folks from the city here to experience something from Foon's past. What are your dreams?

Is this everything you wanted life? To be honest with you, I never thought I could have dreams. I mean, of course, I always wanted to be a unicorn and look like all the people in my family but I'm not that so I just have to be resigned to my fate. I mean you know the cool thing is when the unicorns oh and you guys can do this if you want you don't have to stay on the trail. If you touch the end of their horn they'll levitate kind of just fly above the ground and you know I always hope that I could fly too but without a horn I guess I'll never be able to. So yeah

I guess those are some of my hopes and dreams thanks for asking. But Greg you have two big beautiful wings have you ever extended those wings and attempted to find some purchase within the air and raise thine self up off the ground. Wow, I didn't even know that was possible. I mean, like this, like this, this. Uh-huh. You're beginning to do it. Oh goodness, they're so weak from never being used or atrophied, but oh my goodness.

I'm undoing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. I'm doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it.

You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it.

You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. motion of suck it. Looks painful, frankly. It doesn't hurt! Oh, hoof, and the crotch doesn't hurt a pegasus? No. Greg, you have finally found your true purpose. To be a flying horse, not a horned horse, I could not be prouder of you and I must ask you a question that I ask so many of our guests.

Will you join mine quest? Leave this life behind you, and then help me defeat evil in all its forms as we put together a band of merry adventurers who wish nothing more than to defeat the Dark Lord. Why, it seems only right after you helped me realize my full potential, I will happily be in your army. Oh, what a glorious day I have added a Pegasus to my ranks. I'll call you when I'm ready to get started. Okay, cool.

This is great all this time. You're just an ugly duckling. Hey, you know what I realized is that if unicorns cease to exist, I ain't got nothing to worry about. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, so roll the dice, fuck them, let's go. Yeah, I guess if unicorn cease to exist, like everyone that's treated you poorly or didn't appreciate you enough

would just disappear in a moment. Wow, that kind of power is really thrilling to think about. I mean, how do you feel, aren't you? Well, you know what, I'm gonna say, I've been using this knife. I mean, how do you feel, aren't you? Well, you know what? I'm gonna say, I've been using this knife. I've been stabbing Francis in the back like this whole time, and there's a lot of blood. But it doesn't seem to be slowing Francis down that much.

Why would you do that? That wasn't, that's what I was supposed to do, right? I was supposed to kill Francis. Oh, you sure calm down. You can't even tell he's been cut a million times. Uh, I suppose it's fine. I don't know. But if all the unicorns were destroyed here is a consequence we hadn't considered before now Greg may not be familiar with Fizzle Von Pizzle which the most famous unicorn dentist in all of food one of our favorite guests on the show

I couldn't I couldn't live with myself Yeah, would this happen to just like north eastern unicorns are all unicorns because there's also that unicorn We met who and this isn't gonna mean anything to you Sort of sounded like Peter Sago. Well, I mean, I don't know I guess we can't be sure. So maybe instead of killing everybody that ever did me wrong, maybe I should just use these big old wings and fly to a new life. Oh, what a beautiful thought. You're freeing yourself. You're shaking off the dust of this little town and you're gonna make a new life for yourself. I think you're gonna make it after all.

Oh, I wish I was wearing a hat because I throw it in the air right now. Oh, here, take mine. Oh, thanks. Check this out, guys. Ah, wow. Yeah, you're never getting that back, John. So charming.

That would really flu. It just stuck up in the air. It just floating there. So now, I'm not really familiar. What what a Pegasus's doing, Finn. I mean I certainly don't know. I didn't even know what one was until you got showed up. Yeah, you said or what can Greg expect? Now if they decide to embrace their Pegasus hood. Well, I honestly, I don't know how you came to be here. I feel like these unicorns may have abducted you when you are a very small cult.

I've met several cult situations. Yes, I've met you. You've got to get out of this cult. You have to get out of this cult. I've known several Pegasus's and it's Pegasus. It's Pegasus. Pegasus, I know what it is. And I've known some Pegasas evans and you know, they're just flying horses that are incredibly powerful.

They often team themselves with powerful knights and other adventurers to help defeat evil. And other times they just, they just deliver packages. Oh, that's nice. I mean, I was thinking I wouldn't mind being a homemaker, you know? That's a beautiful thought. I create your own happy home, casting off the cruelty of your youth and creating a home and heart that is warm and welcoming to all who do appear. That's right. I can have people over for tea and I can bake bread and I can mend pants that have holes in them. Oh, it just seems so nice. And if you ever get tired of that,

you can also be a home record and burn it all down. Go, like all the ones that the shitty little fucker I own. You know, I'm gonna take a leap here and say that you seem pretty attached to the shitty little fucker out and just by glance, when you took off your boots, love those boots by the way, I'm curious why you just wear them on the back two legs, but I saw enough money that you could probably

purchase the shitty little fuck around. Wait a minute, that's a great idea. I can be a homemaker and be a business owner. I can do anything I want. The shitty little fuck around's mind and I'm not gonna change a thing, even the carpet. Why is it carpeted? Nobody knows!

There's a loud smoking in there for a long time and it is a bad idea. And the wallpapers flocked. Oh God, there's so many surfaces for sense to get trapped in. Oh, yeah. I bet now you'll fill it with new sense as you bake a warm blueberry pie

and place it on the sill of the shitty little fucker round, while women dance without their clothes on. Oh, isn't it beautiful to think about? It'll be so sweet and warm, and there'll be titties everywhere. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I'm beginning to cry. Well, I'll say, the three of you have a lifetime pass. You can come to the studio and they'll fuck around anytime you want

and you get free drinks all night long. Oh, thanks. What, why don't you want the drinks, you said, huh? Have you been there? Smells fucking terrible. Oh, I guess I just like the name. I thought it would be fun. No, we wish you all the best.

And we think that this enterprise shall be amazing, but no, just no things. That's cool. Well, Greg, I'm so excited for you. You should embrace whatever dream you have. I mean, if it were me and I discovered that I had wings that could make me fly around, I would maybe do stuff with that, but like, if being a homemaker and owning a restaurant like a couple of feet from where you were before is what you want to do then great do that Hey, that's real nice. It seemed kind of judgmental as you were saying it but thanks Oh Shit she sees me

She's one of the first people here that gets guys use it or chun I don't know if you've noticed this, but sometimes I couch criticism when I'm pretending to be saying something positive. What? What? I can't be right. But that means, when it's not like you guys are so stupid that you never notice that sort of thing,

because you're really smart, not two fucking dildos. Oh, thanks. I have to think about everything you've said to me for the last six years. Nope, all sounds good. Well, it seems like we've changed Greg's life. Should Arnie, should you stop stabbing Francis? Ah, my arm is getting really tired.

Ugh. Greg, do you want us on our way out? Do you want us to try and kill Chad again? I mean, if you wouldn't mind, it couldn't hurt. Arnie, maybe cut off Francis' horn, because the only way to kill Chad is with a unicorn horn. This is, this is beyond my idea. I don't have enough upper body strength to do that. You said, do you wanna cut this horn off or chunt?

Okay. Let me speak to Francis' phone, but I shall whisper in Francis' ear. Okay. Francis, I think you are the first unicorn that ever existed. And I think if you go or Chad, I think you might also be a vampire who will take his unicorn power through your horn and reinvigorate yourself to your original glory and Chad's a total dick. Seems like a stretch. Go for it Francis. Go for it. He's doing it. He's riding off. He's left on a behind.

Bucked him right off on you. Are you all right? Oh God. He bucked me right off. Look at him. Hi. He's running towards Chad as fast as he can. And he's jumping. He's jumping. Yeah. And as fast as he can is not super fast. It's funny. This is going to be another half hour at least. Yeah. What's at it? You know what? I'm going to it this next part out

just so we can get to it. Chad's very slowly leaning over towards Francis' slow approach. And oh, oh, Francis just got gored. Oh. By Chad. Oh, but wait. Oh, where's my corn dog?

Oh, Francis had taken my corn dog. And now Chad's eating the corn dog and he's choking on it. He's dead. Chad is dead Well, oh shit did I miss it? I guess Chad died he choked on a corn dog I just got some sandwiches from the shitty little fuck around and I came back and I I missed the actual thing Yeah, sorry it took so long. I'm sure you'll cut a lot of that out.

Greg, I'm sorry that someone ate your corn dog. We can't make you into a unicorn now, but it seems like you're happier as a Pegasus, honestly. But I know what I'll do. I'll use my great wizardly powers to conjure four corn dogs. Wow, one for each of us. One for each of us. To conjure four corn dogs. Whoa! One for each of us. One for each of us.

I mean, I did say I just got these sandwiches. Shut up, honey. Just gonna tape this on my head. Look at me! I want to stick the stick in my eye. Look at me! Oh, no! Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Check out the stick. Well, Greg, Pegasus, ugh. Check out the stick. Oh, oh, oh. Well, Greg, Pegasus, I hardly know a kiss. Thank you for everything. And you know, you said you couldn't get into the system here at the ranch, and I have to assume that the password

is probably just chat rules. Well, you're probably right. Thanks, guys. I can't thank you enough, but watch out. One of the things I found that now I started using my wings is when I take flight a few horse apples come out if you know what I mean. So you don't want to be directly underneath me. Oh, of course Greg. Thank you for the warning. But I fear now we've come to the end of our time together. so we must say our potting goodbyes. Goodbye, Greg. Goodbye!

Greg, Greg, before you go, I have one last question. Yeah? Did any of these unicorns talk like this whole time? Why were you the only unicorn that talked? I guess because I was never a unicorn to begin. Wow, there goes the best hat I ever gave away. It's never a unicorn to begin! Ha ha ha! Wow. There goes the best hat I ever gave away. Yeah, we all fucking talk.

Ha ha ha! Wait, what? We all fucking talk. Yeah. You guys just didn't talk to us, you fucking prick. Even me, I'm a little baby, not a fucking talk. Asshole. Is it...

Are there a third one? Is there a third one of the talks, maybe? And I don't talk much, because I'm shy. Ha ha ha! Asel. Is it... Arnie is there a third one? Is there a third one in the talks, maybe? And I don't talk much, because I'm shy. It's never a reflection on you guys. Good enough, good enough, you're not good enough. You've been listening to Peabody Award, not even nominated for, podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern. Usuroto Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfie. Greg the Unicorn that was really a Pegasus was played by special guest Amber Nash. You may know Amber as Pam Poovie, from the critically acclaimed animated series Archer, renewed for a highly anticipated 12th season, making good on their initial promise of one season for each of Jesus' disciples. Amber also stars in the upcoming indie film How to Rue in the Holidayers, very recently fully funded on Kickstarter. Amber stars alongside Colin Mockery and Special Needs actor Luke Davis.

This adult comedy, written by Nash's husband Kevin Gilles offers a hilarious take on love, disability, and those family gatherings that test your patients. Girl, I failed that test long ago. Amber is also a board member for Project Chimps, a chimpanzee sanctuary in Georgia. Clearly, Amber is up to a lot. No, no, Adel, you're doing fine.

So keep up with her and the rest of the Amber fam on Twitter at Amber Seenash. Who's ready for the ramp up to Ryan DeGeorgie and his special assistance? Hit it! Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas, almost there, folks. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Say it with me, a special assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. There it is. It's like thanking one of the camels for the entire nativity.

Here comes the wine down. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, that was like a decade ago. And Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland, who at this point wouldn't recognize Arnie if he found him asleep on his lawn. Which he has. Now, shall we sign off before Amber adds another accomplishment to her resume and we have to talk Matt out of an emotional spiral?

Whoops, there he goes, towards the Girl Scout Cookie Pantry. Spiral really is.