Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 94 - Sweet Prince Vantis (w/ Jason Mantzoukas)

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

Prince Vantis, still crazed after being asleep for 100 years, stops by Northeastia to challenge Prince Tomblain for the Belaroth throne.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSweet Prince Vantis: Jason MantzoukasTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandHey Sexy Dog Sea Shanty: Paul GrayYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, real quick, when you're done, can I talk to you? Trisha, I almost forgot you've been developing your one-clone show in the storage, Annex. Yeah, that's the thing. My performance piece has become so important, you know, so all encompassing that. I need the whole space to finish it. So could you maybe go away next week? Well, that is the height of rudeness. With this little notice, there is no way I could possibly- I got you a gift certificate to Italy. The whole thing, not just the risotto station. The whole thing. Because the woman that runs the risotto station is a tyrant. Let's unpack your fear of powerful women another time.

Cool. So if you can be gone by like four, four, 30, and then you can come back when you see that I've powered down the fog machines. Very well. And if you want constructive criticism on your show, I- Okay, no thanks. I don't ever want your thoughts on anything.

I see the producers of that Spider-Man musical turned out my advice as well, and let's just say, with great power comes great hospitalization bills for falling actors. But back to the matter at hand. Who's ready to hear what made our editors throw their hands at the air and say, we're out of time, this will have to do. Me neither. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast chronically, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord and currently, really like the only thing stopping the Dark Lord from taking over all of fune is the realm of the Northeast. So we gotta help Tom Blaine Bellaroth become king,

otherwise the Dark Lord could take over Northeastia where we currently are. But hey, also we're in a casino, because we like to have fun. I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby. Oh, Chant, what's wrong?

You sound a little down. Yeah, I'm down. I lost all my money. All your coin? Yeah. Money is coin, coin is money. Have you noticed that we can't keep money? We almost always lose it almost immediately.

Oh, yeah, you're right. What is wrong with us? We got a plan, because we know what? We're not going to be young forever. Yeah, and to be fair, it's partially my fault. I met a crocodile at a game of snack jack, and I bet him that he couldn't eat my bag of coin. So, also, what did you lose?

What did you bet? Bag of coin. What would you have won if he couldn't eat it? Pride. Mm-hmm, that's not a good game, I'm sorry. When I win, I like to win in tangibles. I feel like that's more satisfying. Okay, you know, like, bet a good night's sleep. Have you tried any games, Arnie? I'm sorry. When I win, I like to win in tangibles. I feel like that's more satisfying. Okay.

You know, like bed a good night's sleep. Have you tried any games, Arnie? Well, you know, I tried this one with this spinning wheel, but for the life, I just feel self-conscious because I don't even know what the rules are. Oh, you play. That's the rule it. The rule it wheel.

Oh, yeah. So the rules are made when you spin the wheel actually. Oh, so whatever rule it lands on, that's the rule. That's how the Rulit Wheel works. And also there's a double zero, which fucking sucks. Oh, the house always wins. Mm-hmm. I am joined also by my other co-host.

You know what? Now that I'm seeing him in a casino setting kind of looks like one of my grandmas, you sidore the blue. I am yousador, wizard of the twelfth room of a fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas. The elves knew me as fying yalek, the dwarves knew me as zoning in hook stungies, and I am known in the north-east, as guess me windiest may star and there may be ways to invest our money so that we are

prepared for the future. Simply give all your coin to me and I shall invest it in 401 kaleidoscopes. We lost all our money already used to do it. But I'm trying to think about future. I think you're 401 kaleidoscope ideas kind of fucked. What do you mean? I mean, that's great for like past generations, but I feel like for us, it's just not realistic.

We can't rely on that. OK, if you just simply set aside 80% of your annual income and put it all on kaleidoscopes, kaleidoscopes of the future, set aside 80% of my anal income. That's like all my income. No. Ooh. Huh?

Wait, what did you say? 80% of your anal income. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What did you say? Hold on. What? Let's move on. I can't do marathon, I know that doesn't add up.

Oh, wow, guys, don't embarrass me. Look, I invited a Prince Tom Blaine Bellaroff over, because we hadn't seen him in a week. Oh, yeah. And to... Suffer, he... Oh, I know he's got a good bud, but also he's probably going to be king.

So let's try to, like, class it up a little bit. Ah, welcome, Your Majesty. Well, it's good to see you, gentlemen. I think I just lost 80% of my anal income at the Crap's table. Bad tracks. Yes, it's communal bathrooms in this joint. And that's where it happens. Ah, my good lads, it's wonderful to clap eyes upon you. Do you smell it?

Not the Crap's table. Do you smell my ascension to the throne? I'm building delegates. It's a delegate process. So you've kind of come around and you're a little more being more proactive about becoming king? Yes. I'm going to seize the throne, Arnie, because that's what you do when you become a certain age. You face reality and you realize you're going to do what your father did and what his father did before him and what his father killed someone else's father to do.

I thought when you reached a certain age, it just hurt to stand up. Yes, well that's why you needed throne. Good point. I promise myself my entire life and I hold true. I will never laugh at men of a certain age. Well good, don't I don't want you to laugh at me. I just don't find it funny. Well, take that back, you luh. Prince Tom Blaine, please I beg thy forgiveness, but I must give you this vile of poison

And if you run into two skinny dogs Promise me that you tell them that you drank it, okay? You don't have to drink it, but just tell them that you drank it, okay? You don't have to drink it, but just tell them that you drank it. This is the kind of stuff Arnie, I've been telling you happens to me all the time to drink this No me no no drink it. No, no here's things This is what I was given go ahead drink it. No, we know it's poison. They definitely made it clear of his poison But you you probably don't believe that this is the kind of stuff I get handed all the time drinking I believe it. I believe it. I've handed you poison a couple times recently. So I believe it. Yes here. Let me stab you with this

Okay, that's a dagger that was thrown at me Just yesterday it running on the wall behind my head now imagine if that had had hit me. Feel how sharp that is, it's inside you. It is very sharp. Your majesty, I hate to crack you, but in the future, if you're going to stab someone, please stab me. I have a powerful wizard and it shat, slow me down in the slightest. Wait, hold on, I want to see how sharp it is. Let me hold up this tomato to Arnie's stomach. Can you cut it again? Yeah, I mean I'll just cut right here. Cut Arnie again. Yeah! Wow, right through that tomato into Arnie's stomach. That is a charm. Did we already do this whole thing while Arnie had a sword in him? Oh yeah. Yeah, I think that's over. I hate tomatoes. But look at this, give me your old leather shoe. Okay. Put that in front of Arnie. Watch how easily it cuts through that. I mean this is quality, this is a good knife.

Oh my God, that's impressive. You know, you have to admire the craftsmanship when you're being hunted and people are trying to kill you. You have to say that some of the mechanisms, mechanism, which is the plural, are really quite impressive. Speaking of impressive, I don't know if you're a gambling sort, but the leaderboard for who's gonna be the next king, you're one of the top odds on favorites. Did you see that?

I should be the top odds on. Let's see the list too. Now what's this? Who's Karen Ventus? Who's Khan Ventus? The Khan Ventus. Who's Karen Ventus? Who is Karen Ventus? who is Karin Vantus. Oh, sweet Prince Vantus. We met him not too terribly long ago. He had been asleep for...

What? 25,000 gold pieces on the femur bow. I know that crazy voice anywhere. You will take my wager! Or you will feel the steel of my blade! Why? I'm not going to say that. This is on the femur bone. Oh, I know that crazy voice anywhere. You will take my wager or you will feel the steal of my blades.

What, serendipity is this? Eh, even as we spoke of him, it is voice we did here. Look over there, sweet prince fantasies. He's getting in an argument with the shrub. Take the bag of bones! Hey, my game! This unhinged voice belongs to the man who is now looks to be overtaking me on the board. Ahahahaha!

Sweet Prince Pantis wins again! I'm on a hot streak. Get it on this! Look, he fell asleep for a hundred years and I think he's still a little sleep crazy. Like I'm not convincing fully woken up I mean the last we saw he was trapped in that dangerous room. Yeah How did you get out of that dangerous room? I played for the soul of the woman that I love Your majesty your majesty or here, please I write here. Oh him

Your majesty, your majesty, oh here! Please! I write here, I'm him! Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Sweet Prince Hansen! It's so good to see you! It's so good to see you! I'm just here playing the Crohn's bones!

Oh, I know not to be familiar with the game! Please! Never played the Crohn's bones! I have not! Oh, it is a rich game of strategy! It is a burlap sack of old witch's bones. The dealer shakes the bag and drops the bones. You guess which bone will be on top?

I guess femur. Often, it's heavy. And whoever guesses the correct bone wins. The Crowns bones. Oh, what a wonderful game. I would gladly play with you. Dealer, shake the bones for us! Shake the bones!

Shake the bones! I'm winning on this Shake the bones! Uh, skull! Shake those bones! Shake those bones! Shake those bones! Shake those bones! Forget it! Forget it! It's very difficult to get in sync on this platform. Now, why do we have to play on a platform?

That's the way this casino is built! I don't know! It's been so long since I've seen you, gentlemen! But, but some months or years ago, in Castle's skullmaster? Is that not right? I did, exactly where we left you last in the dangerous room. Where I believe you abandoned me in the dangerous room? Well, I escaped and I assumed that you were right behind me. More like you said or the betrayer. You left me in that dangerous room and now you will taste my clothes. Oh shit. There I was. Stuck in an episode of Jag, trying to convince the jury that no guilt should be found for the soul of the woman

that I loved. Well, now there were spaces to be trapped then in the office of the judge advocate general, but also sentinels were there. Oh terrible sentinels, giant knights on them. Sentinels made up the jury. Oh, it's terrifying. Arnold, do you know of sentinels giant knights who do roam through the world attempting

to murder those who are different from yourself? No, but I would have to imagine the only way to defeat such a knight is to trick it into flying itself into the sun. Instead, I had to convince them that I was innocent and thus could leave the dangerous room. Try and convince these beasts, these metal beasts, to let me free. But yet here I am and wait, who is this friend, a new traveling companion? Oh, this is awkward. One, two, Princess stand before me.

Sweet, John Prince. Go ahead now. A sweet, Prince Vantis. This is Prince, Tom Blaine, Beloroth. I'm sorry, what did you say? There's two princes. This is Prince, Tom Blaine, Beloroth. He's a Prince like you. That's what he said now. He's a Prince. He might be a Belorath. He's a prince like you.

That's what he said now. He's a prince. He might be a prince, but he's not a prince like me. Well, to that I agree. I'm not like him, and he's not like me, because I'm the prince of this land, and I don't know what you're the prince of, but I hope that you will respect the sovereignty of Northeastia, where I am about to ascend my throne

after my mom goes off to fuck the sky. Well, let me tell you something. I'm here to do two things. Win a fortune at the Crohn's bones, one, and become king of Northeastia. What? Oh, what? You're all at a Crohn's bones?

Oh, no, I'm rich at a Crohn's bones? Oh no, I'm rich off of Crohn's bones. Oh, congratulations! And thus, shall I ascend to the throne of Northeastia, where I will get my revenge on Skullmaster, I will find the soul of my beloved Karen McManus, the most beautiful woman in all the land. I will reanimate her using, I don't know, magic.

Oh. So, I some sort of retcon, I'm not sure. Oh no, I'm not, magic can be used if you use the dark arts of Necromancy. Oh, says Yusidor. The betrayer. Oh no. But you said you were here to do two things, and then you listed two things, and then you started to list other things that you would do in different places So let me be clear. Oh, okay, go ahead. I'm here to do two things. Okay. One all the just all the regular stuff that I need to do

And I'm gonna count that as one thing. So number one is all the regular stuff Oh my regular It's like a catcher. Number one is all things. Like you have to get two whole things. Just all the stuff I was doing before and then two. Like errands? Sure. So you came here to do errands. Number one is errands. Not just errands. This is okay. Let me say this. This is not an inspiring king. I have people who do errands for me boy. Oh shit damn. Oh no. Well, okay. I'm not king yet So I've got to get to the errand part anyway the same thing. I'm used to do it. Get me a drink. Will you? Of course a drink you said or other but you're a sure majesty shun a body see that's how a king

Act now. I know you use I know, I used a door. Yeah, also getting, can you hear me? Yeah, sort of. Yeah, okay, also can you also get me a drink when you're, please, would that be possible? Yeah, what do you want? Um, gosh. Oh, he doesn't even know what he wants.

How could he rule a kingdom if he doesn't even know what he wants? Now look, I was going to go to the bar and get sweet Prince Vantus the best drink. I would say to the bartender, whatever your finest drink is, that is what. No, I'm sorry, you should have just asked for the Vantus. Oh, you know what it is. Oh, Vantus it is. I shall return. You know what?

Vantus is all around. Oh, wow. Vantis it is I shall return you know what vantis is all around Wow, so be it here. I'll you shall all drink from the chalice of vantis Oh, and you should or go to three bars in a row and I think you get an extra bonus or something I'll be right back. So it's in the vantis. Oh the vantis is a mixture of an elixir of beauty It contains the tears of three rare animals. A vile of blood from a virgin. Okay. Animal or female does not matter. Okay. And then a bit, just a bit of breast milk. So wait, is that a vantus or a virgin vantus? Oh, that's a vantus. Oh, so is there a non-alcoholic version? Is there a non-alcoholic version?

No, but there is a non-dairy version. Where there is not breast milk, but it is instead replaced by a plant-based milk, or a nut-based milk. Or in some places, and I don't sanction this, both seem it. I would prefer that not be called the vantus. Yeah. How do you, is there a good way to know which one you're drinking?

And it depends on where you are. Honestly, it depends on where you are. In some areas, I'll be honest. Here, everybody understands and gives you the best, the finest of breath milk. But in some, if you go to some places, you don't know what you're drinking. You just know it's milky and cloudy.

Well, forgive me if I have better things to do than go around making rare animals cry. I think when you encounter a rare animal, you should be grateful and you should try to make it happy. But that's just me trying to be the king of northeastia. Well, to be fair, Prince Tumbling, these could have been tears of joy, right? I make them laugh so hard that they cannot help but cry. These are joyful tears because let me be very clear with you.

Prince Tom Blaine, when you drink this drink you will feel the joy that those tears elicited. You will feel and understand the happiness and the elation that caused those tears. You will be brought into the mind of those animals. And the mind of the woman whose breasts gave that bing. Ah, here we are, everyone. Five fantasies. I am sorry, they were, they were short on breast milk, so I had to provide some of my known. Wait, what? They were short on breast milk so I had to lactate myself in order to complete the drink for all of the... I don't want these anymore. Well, uh?

Oh, you're afraid to drink Wizards breast milk? I'm not afraid. Give me one. There you are. Delicious. Thank you, Yusidor. No, you're welcome. Now, do you understand the thoughts of Yusidor?

Yes, I guess I sort of do. Haha. Pier. Oh. Pier to my mind. Okay. Think the thoughts that I think. Alright. My mind to your mind.

Weird. My thoughts to your thoughts. Very strange. I don't like it. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I'm probably fine. Are you fine? Strange, I don't like it. Ah! Ah! Ah!

I'm probably fine. Are you fine? Yeah! It doesn't last very long. The effect is momentary. Yeah, yeah, but it's a nice, it's a nice little peak. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, you know, it connects people. It's an instant connector.

I know more secret names than I ever wanted to know. Oh yes, it speaks him not allowed. Let's do cause greater destruction. For my names, Kerry, come and eat power with him. What happens if I say one? What depends on which one you say? If you say something like oh, Johann Sebastian Baccarach, that will just impress the gamblers of Chorath,

who know me by that name. And of course, if you call me like Pipeepoo, or one of those names, no one will really care at all. I should put it some other one. Carl Flants. No, not the name Carl Flants. No, I just did. Hey, shit, quiet.

What happens when someone says Carl Flants? Well, Carl Flants is the brother-in-law of Rick Flants. And then I have to go back to Skur and pay off Rick Flans' cart loan. I became someone's brother-in-law when I was posing to someone else in another life in order to try to find out terrible secrets to defeat the Dark Lord. Did this happen in one of the spin-offs? No, this was a hundred years ago. I took the name of Carfans to infiltrate and become the brother-in-law of Rick Flans Who I thought had information about the Dark Lord, but instead he just tricked me to pay off a lot of his bills Okay, because I don't want the name of something that took place beyond the paywall So you were fleeced by Flans? I was fleeced by Flans indeed

Fiscally irresponsible. Exactly. Which is what I won't be once I'm king. Oh. Oh. We should have held some sort of town hall debate with these two, to kind of see and gauge who would be a better ruler, right? When are we ever going to have two princes in the same space? Well, if we decide by whose good at segues, so far, Prince Vantus is winning, because he got right back on track with his desire to become the King.

I look and even moved him up the chart a little bit. Though they're still neck and neck, it's Prince Vantus out just barely in the lead and then Prince Tom Blaine and then in third place Bahama Mother. Yes you're right we're neck and neck but Prince Vantus is just barely in the lead. but Prince Vantus is just barely in the lead. Yeah, wait, I mean, I mean, it's too close to call. It's got a longer neck. People talk all the time about how long my neck is, but you know, this will be a long and arduous battle to seize control. And, you know, for me, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Why? Why would you like to be King of Northeastia? Where I was born and raised. I'm on the coins, by the way. That's me. That'll change. That'll change real quick. Now they can't just make new coins. I mean, they can't.

But can't they? I can have every coin with your face melted down and re-smeltted into anything I want. How about coins with Arnie's face on them? We'll call them Arnie's. How much is a flagging of me, two Arnie's? I'm coming around, you got my vote. 10,000 Arnie's on the next round of Crohn's bones.

See how easy it rules off the tongue? I'm a little worried about this inflation though Meditarcel that's never going to come up on time lost use it Or tap piece of art. It's just such a small bone. It always falls to the bottom You're right. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Let me ask you this. Let me answer What do you think you can do for this? Wonderful this city Do you think you can do for this wonderful, this city, this world? Are you prepared to avenge all those lost at the hands of not only Skullmaster, but the Dark Lord?

Good question. Do you have the brains, the brawn, and the unrelenting rage and hatred of the last hundred years you slept? Well, carnage re rained upon your kingdom. I used to be the Prince of a kingdom. The Red Desert. Red now with the blood of my ancestors. I keep it all in this hourglass.

The way that you phrased the question, you've made it about you. You're saying, do you have the rage of the fact that you slept for the last 100 years? No, he has that. But you, but do you know, no, let's, let's, let's, you heard him. He said, no, he said, no, he doesn't. Let's try and be fair.

Let's try and be fair. Praise to God. We'll give you a chance to redeem yourself. What is the longest you've ever slept for? 80 years, 90 years. I would say 15 hours. Wow, wow, that's not a lot. And you woke up with the rage of those 15 hours.

And you would be king? Yes, I would be for shame for shame, a mere 15 hours of sleep You know gentlemen, I appear to have woken into a world that I don't recognize I Tom Lane he's making a very good case for himself Hey, Tom Lane, he's making a very good case for himself. Ha, you must, you must rally here and find some reason, something that only you have, such as he has focused his increase on himself.

Yeah, didn't you bring to the table that only you have experienced? Yeah, don't you know the king? Don't I know the king? Yeah, didn't you like meet the king before or something? He was my dad. The king king before something? He was my dad He was my dad the king was my dad, okay, and I grew up at his feet studying All the things that he did so when he went and the morning when he'd who'd do the first thing of the day

Like I would see that and Remember it. You know whatever it was But you're at his feet the whole time, just at his feet. Because I'll be honest, most of the most important work a king does is with the face, the head, and the hands. The feet do very little. Well then how come you and never king? How come you'll just prince? Because I went in search of my beloved who had been captured by Skull Master

and Castle Skull Master, where I was put under a spell and slept for a hundred years when I returned. I only then found out that my entire kingdom had been decimated. Well, similarly, I ran away from my love because I was afraid of feelings that I was having and I joined an acting troupe

and then I went around Foon. There's nothing, no, is I think no no no no no there's nothing cowardly about acting because what you're doing is you're pretending to be someone else while your problems stay right where they are what was your most successful rule? Dan lit. Dan lit? Dan lit yes. It'll let me be very clear. I saw a performance of Danlit just not but one year ago

that I thought was absolutely incredible. After I finally got myself out of the dangerous room, I wandered about for a little bit and I happened upon a small town where I saw a production of Danlit that was absolutely transforming. But I'm glad it was probably me. Wait, really?

Where did you perform? Well, because we have the touring rights. Let's see. Oh, so you were not in the main... You were not in the main cast. You were just in the touring company? No, no, no. We were at the main stage.

We started. Were you just ETC? No, no, no. Were you acceptable? Were you? No, first of all ETC in main stage, they're essentially the same job, okay? That is the rest of the work.

That is spoken as someone who only ever was on ETC. That both the resident company. So maybe there was a point in time at which main stage was more prestigious, but really it's now the same thing. Tom Blaine, answer us this, because this is gonna factor into our votes. Did you perform in the first city in Northeastia, the first city? I originated the role of Dan Lit.

And then I took it on tour. But in what city? The first city. Bigsburg. Oh. What? That is not great. No, the inaugural production in Bigggsburg of Dan Lit.

So you were normally performed Dan Lit in pre-use? To a bunch of octogenarians? You were working it out. But that's where the role is created. Tumbling, tumbling. They're trying to get me to whisper with me and tell me what to do because this is... You want of your monologues from Dan Lit. Amaze them with your great talent.

Ah. But wait, wait, wait, wait! A rare case in which I agree completely with Yusudur. You should do one of your monologues. Perhaps the longest of them. Mm-hmm. Convinces. What's this?

A room... Wherein lies my love? Why does she lie so still? Oh, no idea. Wake. Hey. Wake. no. Oh, no. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can't be happening, this can't be happening. This can't be happening. I don't know. Is this a David Damnit? What's this? No, there's no cursing. It's the repetition would work, but there's no cursing. No, no. Lily's, roses Blossoms all weighed her down. She is drownin', she is drownin', Ed, she is drownin'. This is the worst day of my life.

You said that last line, as if you were eating cake. That weird delivery? It's like, you know, when you eat cake and all of a sudden you start talking all weird, you're like, this is my sword, I use it to stab. It's kind of like talk singing, I hate it. Let me look outward, outward to the blank space before me and speak words that meditate on the nature of man and his grief, heart, heavy, like a wave crushed

on the shore. Shall I end myself? Shall I take this dagger and place it inside my body? Yes, the answer is yes, do it. Do it. I dare you, I dare you commit, commit to this, do it. What a beautiful, that was very good. I will say, Prince John Blaine, I'm not above giving you a compliment. That was wonderful. When you said, when you said, hey, hey, wake up. I thought to myself, he really wants her to wake up. It's very important and I as someone who slept for 100 years understands the power of the sleeping person. And so I felt a real connection to your performance.

Wow, best friends now. Now you can be cocaine. We can be cocaine. I mean, I have some if you want to go to the bathroom. Oh yeah Arnie do you mind? I just assumed you'd already done some before the show. Oh We should probably take a short break at this time and if they need to go to the bathroom then so be sure. Do a quick ad bump. Yeah no you guys just stamps.com and we'll be doing bumps..bumps.bomb.

We'll be right back. Oh, and we're back. We're back within their episode of Meta. Oh. Chanta, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. We're doing better. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! We are gonna start a band. We decided Everything better. We are gonna start a band. We decided in the bathroom, we're gonna start a band.

I'm drums and bass, drums and bass. We're all drums and bass. It's a whole band of just drums and bass. But the thing is, there's drums, that's me and bass. And then Prince Vantis is going to do drums and bass. And then, yes, yes. And then, on top of that, like a funky bass line with some drums, it's chunned.

It's a little bass, a little bass. Okay, well, what about a melody? Any melody in that? Usador, you're the worst. Wow. Why do you have to piss on our dreams, Usador? This is not melodic music. This is drum and bass relentless propulsive.

That's what we need. That's what we need more of. We need people to understand that what we're doing is about momentum and moving forward. It's never stopping. It never stopping. It never stopping. Death from above.

Yes. Why should there be a rhythm section? When in fact, it should be an entire rhythm band? Yes, why why why called an off rhythm to one section? I've never understood that and bass are always referred to as the side men Why can't they be the main men or women in that in any instance, but any instance interestingly in the bathroom? Interestingly in the bathroom With Tom Blaine and I have really forged a connection I see that

Your connection has somebody lowered you in the rankings and now a Bahama mother is number one Bahama mother Okay, great now how many bands do she have and what instruments are in them? Yeah, come on Well, I'm afraid I don't know. As far as I know, she's just a sentient palm tree. Well, let's all grow up a little bit. I don't think we want a sentient palm tree running northeast out.

No fence to any palm trees, sentient or otherwise. It also looks like you're being beaten by Sir Scoot in the Scootsville, and he's dead as hell. Yeah, that guy I know is dead. I heard that whole story. Well, some things wrong with his butt. And also, Scootsville has been decimated. What? Have you not heard what happened to Scootsville?

Scootsville decimated what about sweet little Cindy Scoot-hoot. Sweet little Cindy Scoot-hoot? Yeah. RIP,-P, my friend. R-I-P. Yes. What about her dog, Scoot Booby? Oh, I have Scoot Booby. I thought you had Scoop Booby.

Wait, what did you say? Scoot Booby. Oh, I don't know who that is. No, it's not a dog. It's dead. Yeah, because this was in Scoot'sville. Oh, so everything has Scoot in its name. Now, if they're, wait, hold on, hold on.

Has anyone heard what's going on in Scoopsville? Yeah, what's the Scoopsville is thriving? Yeah, okay, good. Scoopsville is thriving. Oh, to wake up in Scoopsville and have that son pour two scoops of raisin right into your breakfast. What a treat. I don't know.

There's something, that son is kind of a loof. They've invented a cold dessert that is absolutely delicious. Oh. And the dresses on the women, the front, the front of the dresses. Oh, I just, I love it. So low. So low. You can see quite a bit and it's one of the neck. You can see the whole neck. Oh, if you are out there in this world wanting to see some neck, go to Scoopsville. My friend, enjoy the necks and then ask for the scoop scream. I have a friend who's a reporter there. He is doing so well, making it killing.

Fake news. They also play a ton of highlight. But good for Scoopsville, but now I'm still worried about Scoopsville. I mean, Scoot McNairy, like what happened to him? Dead, I assume dead. Um, he was standing in the middle of the street. He caught fire. I- he- yes.

He was running. He was running away. And then he halted and caught fire. Oh, he shouldn't have halted. He shouldn't have. He should have kept running. He should be- he should be run and avoid catching fire. Yes, but instead he halted and he indeed catch fire. Well, it's when you ignore the name of your town that you're most at peril. When you're from Scoot'sville, you should scoot.

You shouldn't halt. You should argo someplace else. What's that? He should what? He should argo someplace else. He should argo someplace else. Do you mean he should have gone someplace else? Oh, I'm sorry. Is that how that expression goes?

Yeah, when you're saying someone should have gone some place else. Yeah, he should have gone some place else. Ergo left. Is that what you're trying to say? Yes, he should have gone some place else, but he should have been moving out of the lead pace. He should be able to, in that situation where you're talking about Argo, he should have been able to look at it in retrospect and say I ran

But he didn't what he should have done is he should have looked at the lay of the land and thought to himself This is a Batman versus Superman dawn of justice Final words I never the ultimate the ultimate edition. I truly But now that you two have found some common ground, I must beg of thee, uh, what of the future of Northeastia? Can't you two come to some, uh, understanding where you both work together to make our world safer

and better for all? I have an announcement. Oh. Everybody. Everybody! Okay, the prince is about to talk. Prince Vantus is about to talk. And announcement! He's making an announcement.

You sir, please. Drop the bones. Okay, he's going to talk. Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi- Medi We spoke in the bathroom. Tom Blaine, I think this is part of your problem. What's the Prince Francis has an announcement? He like screams his head off. And you listen to me. I'll eat the bomb. And at the same time, you're like, he's got an announcement. Hey, everybody.

I'm just got an announcement. Prince Francis is going to talk now. So I will now say to you, loyal subjects, I endorse Prince Tom Blaine Bellaroth, freaking assault! What a glorious day! Chant, are you okay? Yeah, but I ate the bones.

Yeah, I heard. That's why I was asking you. Oh, wait, you ate the Crohn's bones? Yeah, I ate the Crohn's bones. Those are cursed? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, you're cursed again, Chant?

Oh, the sucks. Oh, that's not not a not a bone curse Oh, look sweet prince vantis your name disappeared from the rankings good for long not for long because I have an announcement And my announcement Could I do could you just please could everybody just listen to my announcement? Because my announcement they went'll do games of chance! Because my announcement... They went back to their game so fast! Okay, I got an announcement, sir.

Okay, great. My announcement is that I endorse Prince Convantus for King of Northeastia. Oh, glory what a day! Oh! Prince Tungley Bellaroth, I accept your endorsements and I in turn accept yours and we're right back where we started Nick and neck neck With Prince Vance is slightly ahead. Oh, but here's news Bahama mother has dropped to number four and in number three a Rick flants my brother-in-law from a hundred years ago

Oh damn and you sir. Do you mind? Do you mind announcing the race as it happens? Rick Flans, my brother-in-law from 100 years ago, damn! And you sure, do you mind announcing the race as it happens? Sure, I'll keep an eye on the standing tear. Rick Flans is in number three, and neck and neck, it's per-sweet Prince Vantus versus sweet Prince Tom Blaine. Oh, they just added a bit. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, he's suing as well now. Whoa, whoa.

Are we just applying the... I earned the name sweet, but we're just giving it to him as well, Prince Tom Blaine. Oh, well, I just tried to do a little color commentary here, but point well taken. Prince, look, let's sweet use it or do his job. Prince Vantus, yes. Yes, on Arnie. Also Arnie, I hate to be the one that says this,

but you are losing quite a bit of blood from what looks like three wounds in your abdomen. Oh, right. Sweet. Oh God, all that cocaine made me forget I was stabbed. It'll do that. Sweet Arnie, you're bleeding out. Mal, sweet, sweet Arnie. Oh, sweet, John, don't forget about me.

Everybody can't be sweet, baby. Arnie, wake up. Wake up. No. Oh, no. Oh, no No, this can't be happening. I'm losing him. I'm losing him I'm Is there a health man in this casino? We're looking for a health man A health man a health woman A pothocary better. Thank you. Spina pothocary or health man. Is there a health man. A health man! A health human! And a pathocary better, thank you. Is there a health man?

Is there a health man? Oh, please. Oh, I'm a wizard. Does that count? Yes, please! It makes you ejaculate and then feel better. Okay. I don't think we need a wizard.

I think, I think, Chunch was right. We need a spinopathocary to help these two princes save their friend. Yes, go ahead now. Whatever you too are ready. YouTube princes are the only two that could command your subjects. Now, there must be a doctor here and it's up to you to to to sus out where they are

and command them to take action. All right. Everyone, we need to find out which of you is a spin apothecary. Alright, so one, two princes here before you, that's what I said now, princes and needless to say. I've got a pocket full of kryptonite. Okay, great! Does that help?

Of course, it's a rare stone, is it not? A healing stone in some senses indeed Hey wait a minute what you you make rare animals cry Could you make rare stones cry healing magic? I suppose I could try do it all right come here I'm here to have to save Arnie. You have to save him. I'm not a spin-apolthicary, but I am. You sound like the other guy. You're a mysterious mechanic if that helps. Yeah, you sound like the other guy. You guys are the only other voice you guys should hear.

Are you brothers? Why are you seeing my shoes? Excuse me, if I may, I think it's rude to assume people are related when they sound the same Well, that guy sounds kind of like us, but not quite I Can't say excuse me. I also have some kryptonite now. Wait a minute How do you know he's kryptonite is as good as man? Wait everyone here has some of this kryptonite well sure oh dear I am here in this casino Wait, everyone here has some of this kryptonite? Well sure, oh dear.

I am here in this casino, but an unhappy traveler. You might say I have the blues. Ah, come one and all friends. You are all welcome to try to heal my friend, Arnie. We need all of the, to plie thy trade and save him from the brink of death. I don't know if we need all of them. I think this Blues Traveler is giving me the runaround. But if he heals Arnie, he could be a king.

You mean if any one of us cures Arnie, we get to be the king? Or does Arnie become king? What are the rules of succession? Yeah I'm not gonna heal anybody unless I know the rules. Yeah what are the rules? Like the rules? Maybe read the rules there right there. It seems like the badger knew some of the rules. Can you say any more of them? Yeah, Boucher and spin the rule it we all oh yeah, we have to play rule it Let me okay, excuse me make way make way okay all right now I'm gonna spin the rule it wheel and whatever it lands on those thems is the rules here we go

Is that my mom? It's a very short spin. It is a tiny way. Oh, heavy is that. I think it has to go around one time completely for it to count. Oh, okay. I can help you with that. Okay, the price was wrong. Okay, let me try this again.

There are simply so many competing voices. I'm having trouble keeping everything. What do you mean? Clear. Yeah, I think we're all pretty clearly distinctive rules. Everybody's the distinctive it. I find all of you confusing. I have a rich in her life. I like to paint on weekends. Whereas I'm dead inside and I don't have a family. There's nothing I was referring to. I told the's pockets. Did anybody get that? What?

Which itself is a reference to Monty Python. Anyway, uh, nerd. I come from a land plagued by monsters. They were only vanquished by a man named Todd, with a large head. And I'm a space hog. My name's Buffalo Tom. Now, let's not freak out and have widespread panic in the casino.

Yes, yes, yes. You're all very interesting in your own right. Ah, but quickly, the wheel has been spun, a chunt. Read the rule. It just says, string cheese incident? Quick, apply string cheese to Arnie's wounds! Luckily, I have some here in my lunchpale. Oh, get it out and put it, stick the string cheese in his hole.

Here, I'll share with everyone. I'll share with everyone, and then we can all be the king together. Chant, I don't think you should be screaming. Shove the string cheese in his hole. I mean, I think you're right Sweet Prince Vantus, but I did is a little odd brand for Chuck. I'm gonna be honest Okay, we've placed string cheese all over your wounds. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me Feel it fill his hole with string cheese. I want to walk. I feel like I'm being attacked by Jim Henson

Do you feel it here? the healing property of the drink cheese. You feel that? Is it binding your wound? If you should but die already. What would you like us to tell the people that you love? Just don't tell my butt died. Don't tell them your butt died? If you should butt die. You have my guarantee that if you should die, I will do my best to keep your butt alive.

Well, I have my my my having second thoughts. Yes, cough is butt off. Take it with us. Where are we? Do go bring me up a curving knife and a container with a glass a bell jar lid and some boiling water. I just want some tea. I'm so I'm I'm just yeah, I'm just so my nerves are just oh frazzled. It's very stressful time these gentlemen showed up with these disturbing voices Oh and Arnie's dying. This a crowded group of voices. Please Prince Dumpling go ahead. Arnie can you hear me? Arnie come come toward the light. What? Am I dying? I believe I may be to blame for this injury of yours. You are.

I'm not blaming you, Stan. No, no, no, no. Arnie, now is not the time to be polite. I will blame myself if you die, and I know that you don't want that. But in some way, I feel feel that as crazy as this sounds, I was part of the reason that you're feeling this way right now. Just the whole reason you stabbed me. I stabbed you and I sort of feel like that might have something to do with what's going on right now with your body.

Wow accountability, he really is a good king. How noble. How generous. I think now is the time. Now that the cheese has done the majority of the work that I shall cast a healing spell. Erotteranterka, Arasfa! Now, you know what? I feel better. Wow, the cheeseest un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard.

Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard.

Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. Oh, c'est un petit peu tard. I think this just must be a regional thing, but I don't think this is cheese. I think this is bullsemen.

It is. Now that's what string cheese is made of. Bullsemen. Bullsemen. That's what they call semen, string cheese. You don't eat that in literally cheese. It comes out of the bull's penis in strings. Yeah, it's like shooting rope.

Come on, Ernie. You know, like, you never had a Rocky Mountain oyster? That's bull balls. Come on. Now, just to be clear, Arnie, you're not ovulating inside your wounds at all, are you? Because you could get pregnant. Ha-ha-ha.

Full disclosure. I hope not. We hope not, too. I'll keep an eye on it. But if you do get pregnant, what a joyful gift. I want what wonderful. I mean, you could be able to track it. When was the last time your wounds bled?

Yes. Like, like a minute ago. Oh, then you're not, no, you're not ovulating. No, I have to say though, you're fine. If your wounds do start to bleed again, that's trouble. Because if the bowl baby sees that red, it's gonna come shooting out. You could be giving birth to a minute or two.

Chad, you made it weird. Like, what? Everything made total sense. Like, what? Everything made total sense. Listen, we all need to go back to our Pete covered homes. Yeah, after we made it weird, we have to go, we should go to our, our Pete moss, our Pete moss covered homes. You, you did make it weird, Chad.

I'm leaving, Elle. Yeah, I think I might go back to it. That guy was still here. We're still letting that guy hang out. Not anymore suckers, goodbye. Yeah, we're out of here. Well, I would have rude of them to leave so abruptly. Yeah, but now we boon companions here,

who have elevated one another and created a pure rhythm band. We shall create a kingdom stronger than air before, for now you have nominated Prince Vantus, and you have nominated Prince Tumbling. What a glorious day. Indeed. Oh, and look, on the rankings, there's somebody coming up the rankings. There's it. There's somebody coming up the ranks corduroy the light That's kind of fun. It's got a fun name corduroy the light who is corduroy the light Who cares? It's a great name. I want a bet on that name. He's a wide whale indeed I will find him and I will meet him in battle though. Oh, I will cheer

That battle will be won by me. And it will then be spread throughout the land in a performance by you, Prince Tom Blaine, Darof. I will take that. Tell my story. You can count on me to tell your story. Thank you. I see it placed upon the banners, Ednaal, King Tom Blaine, first actor

of the realm and greatest treader of the boards, so playing the role of sweet Prince Vantus, first knight of the realm. My agent got me that thing where every billing says, the greatest treader of the boards before the title. It's great. Smart. Very smart. It's really nice. It's really nice because at first I was like, well, do you need that?

And then it's like, no, it's really, it's quite good. It's all clear to me now. I get it. You get to be a knight. OK. This is how endorsements work. Vantus endorses Tom Blaine, and that means he gets a little something like when you become king,

he gets to become a knight. Exactly. Right, I mean, why would I want to be king? I never wanted to be king. Ha ha ha ha ha! All I wanted was to be first knight, right? Because that is a job that I can do, because I can rule them the lands. The king has so much work job that I can do, because I can roam the lands.

The King has so much work to do, so many meetings, taxes, all the rest. I didn't want any of that. But by thinking, making you think I did, I've secured the exact position I want. And I've gotten the future King to agree to portray me on stage. Oh, so smart.

Sweet Prince Vantus, you may be the greatest mind that has lived in this time period. I insist that you become the king. I will not take it. I will not take it. My job is best served right underneath. A throng level tactician. I can serve this monarchy best on my own out in the wild lands. Look

at him, look at him, he stares out the window. Those blood-red eyes of his, preparing to travel this land. Wait, are my eyes blood-red? Yeah, I heard you. Ever said you came out of the bathroom? Wow, and look at him. He just whipped a chair all the way across the casino. He really is a knight. And now look at him. He's so strong now. Look at him screaming at those kids. The look at him.

Get out of my way, Urgent. Well, he is a knight. He's such a knight. I know what to do to send him on his way. Let's, I'm going to play some drums here. I'm going to play some drums. Oh, oh, what a knight. Yeah, let me add some bass. Let me add some bass guitar to it. Yeah, yes. Here we go. And then I'm just

going to keep this bass looping and then I'm going to start another bass. Yeah, and I'll keep my drums going and start another drums. Yeah, that's a good idea. And then over these two bass lines, I'm just going to add a third bass line just by looping the second bass line and starting a third one right now. The video co-cane are morphing. The dark lord will face my And so goes our music licensing budget for the remainder of the year. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavin, sometimes described as lore without the Amazon Prime development deal. Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. If you want more Matt in your life, he appeared on this week's episode of the podcast Those Who Ants, with Colleen Doyle and Dana Quarchioli.

Oh, that is so kind of them. I heard they were going to adopt one of those rescue greyhounds, but this is even nicer, if more of an imposition. Chant the talking badger was played by Abel Refyre. For what it's worth, a lack of extended credits doesn't mean someone's not busy, although in this case, a lot of smoke coming out of that gun. Prince Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by Steve Waltee. Steve is a writer for the late show with Stephen Colbert, and a performer in the improvised Shakespeare company. Sweet Prince Ventus was played by special guest Jason Mansoukis.

Check out his new Fox animated series House Broken, which follows a group of neighborhood pets in group therapy. And of course, check out his podcast, How Did This Get Made, which, Lucky For Us, only handles movies. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. It will produce our Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Stefan Trainjer, the tiniest smidge of special assistance grudgingly provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. And some good news, I have a fan created song to play for you.

The Bad News, it's a cover of John's Sex Dog Sea Shanty from a few weeks back. Created by Paul Gray, who apparently has a whole website of Sea Shanty's at TheWorstMate.com. Once again proving that Squarespace can be used for good or evil. Take it away, Paul! Well, I got me a boat on the high seas. Got a mangeal dog that's full of fleas. My dog isn't gonna have scary. He's bucks a nice and curvy. Sexy dog, hey, sexy dog, sexy dog, hey, sexy dog. Whatcha doing?

We had just pulled away from shore. I see the dog that I adore. He gives me the eye and I give chase We're gonna make it to third base Sexy dog hey sexy dog sexy dog hey sexy dog what you doing? Boats and got his own little charter but my dog he is so much harder the old man pulls the captains daughter And we hide down below Sexy dog, hey sexy dog Sexy dog, hey sexy dog Sexy dog, sexy dog

Hey sexy dog, hey sexy dog Whatcha doing? Who's a sexy dog? Who's a sexy dog? Look over there, who's a sexy dog? Who's that sexy dog? Look him over there, who's that sexy dog? Excuse me, don't I know you? Taste my bleed! Oh!