Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 96 - Tomblain and Rhiannon

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Prince Tomblain is torn between his love for the acorn Alice P. Corn and Rhiannon the milk maid.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAlice P. Corn: Kate JamesTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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factory-size helping a vocal fry? Craig, are you there even though you haven't been referenced for months as it should be? Blast. Well, listening audience, I know I've really dropped the ball as far as developing a rapport with you, but apparently you're all I've got left. If you're hearing this, I've successfully built a working transmission device out of a discarded Niochi press and a $3,000 lemon zester. Needless to say, I'm trapped in Italy, which was not the brand crossover I'd been angling for. Damn, the security guards are coming this way. Back into my foe rustic wine barrel. In the meantime, sit back and do what you will with this. Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Aranynee Camp. If you've never never listened to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and many months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the burger king through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and also to help the transition of power in Northeastia. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Badger Boy. I know, Badger Boy.

Doing pretty good. Feeling my oats. I like this new nickname. Badger Boy. It was right there the whole time. I know, and I gotta say, I'm just glad that I'll never have to say that other name again. Oh, you'll say it at some point, but for now,

Badger, boom, I'm a Badger, boom. Ooh, fast horses, Badger, boom. Yeah, Arnie, weren't fast horses. Did you get a tattoo like I did? Oh, no, I thought we were getting tattoos. Oh, I didn't really, I kind of like generally like, I kind of nodded, went, oh, mm-hmm. You were holding my hand while I got it.

What were you thinking? Did you check out that hard? I don't know, I was just thinking, are my hands sweaty? It's a horse on wheels. You know, fast horse, get it? And I thought they were stink lines, but they're quick lines behind him.

Oh yeah, it just looks like you got a tattoo of a horse with fat feet farting. Well, now I love it even more. Speaking of a horse with fat feet farting, I am also joined by my other co-host, Use it or the Wizard. I am Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Room of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, The Vowror of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockights, the valor of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, the Ilves Numius Fyingalak, the dwarves Numius Zonen in Hukstangies, and I am known here in the

northeast, as guess-winniest Mastar, but now I am known as one of the fast horses. That's right. Yeah, baby! I've joined this new street gang that consists of mine self Onnie and Badger Boy and now with our group tattoos Mine's here down in my throat if you look at it. Oh Yeah, it's exactly like chunks. It's like mine. Oh stinklots. No, this is it. It's exactly like Badger boys. Oh Sorry, sorry. Ah, for some habit. No need to be sorry. I think the Badger Boy was implied. Yeah, Stig Old like Badger Boys. Oh, sorry, sorry, ah, for some habit.

No need to be sorry, I think the Badger Boy was implied. Yeah, stay golden Badger Boy. Why are you smirking? You know what, some are with people I love in it. The ones that are my age and older. Well, I think it's good that we've formed this gang because it'll help us work together to help put Tom Blaine on the throne where he finally belongs after the loo,

these many years. And I'm so sorry, I hope this doesn't cause inner gang strife. Oh, I've decided not to support Tom Blaine for the king anymore. Wow. Wow, first the tattoo and now this. Yeah, you know what, I just reflected on it

and I was like, he stabbed me a lot of times. Like a lot of times. And I'm not gonna get in the way of him being king, but it's like, I'm kind of a one issue voter and it's don't stab me. I think we pretty firmly established that you have a very stabable face though. Yeah, and could the first six or seven times

been an accident and then it was just like a force of habit? Okay, fine. The one what but here's the thing and I'm holding strong on this if he stabs me one more time I'm not gonna support him to be king and I'm sticking to that. I disagree I think it was really funny the first time he stabbed you It was really funny the third time he stabbed you and now it'll be funny again like the 24th time he stabbed you. That'll be hilarious. It's just a numbers game. Oh, also, you store.

I want you to know, Arnie and I have been talking. And we've decided that from now on, when you see your name, we're gonna interrupt you again. Yeah, what? Yeah, we came up with a new thing. We're gonna say, we're gonna try and time it right. We were too scared to try this time. We're gonna try and time it right to where we say,

goodness gracious, great holes, Tarakas. Mm-hmm. Oh, is that so? I don't dislike that one actually. That's the first thing I've actually liked that you've tried to interject into my name. Let's try it. Let's take a test run.

Okay. Wait, I know it, but just for a second, what is it again? I know, I know it. You came up with this. Good disk gracious, great halls, Tarakas. Okay, that's right Mm-hmm, and we say that when he mentions his first name Uh-huh

Well now I hate it now I'm back to hating again. Oh come on fastores. Let's try. Let's try. Oh Come on fastores right together. I am you should all Wizard of the 12th realm of a fizziest master of light and shine. Goodness. And it be later from magical delights. You didn't really do it together there. No, no, I realized I was a little early on it. So I already are any buddy later of magical lights devour of chaos champion.

It's gracious. Great. Paul's the rock is already party. Buddy, how about I handle the speaking part and want you right up top, just make a big ol' wet fart noise. Okay. Big guy, can you handle that? Big ol' fart noise, can you do that big guy?

Yeah, you got this, try it out. I mean, big ol' wet mess. Come on, with your mouth, come on buddy. You know what, I don't support you for King anymore either. What? Who is your favorite for King then? You know what, I really like Sir Scootin' but unfortunately he's dead as hell, so.

He's dead as hell, yeah. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why I'm consenting to this but here, let's try it with the big wet fodder top. Mm. I am use it all. Wizard of the Twilth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Minipulator of Magical Delights. Arnie master Master of the shine you missed the I'm sorry. I know I shit my pants Well, I hate these the shows free. I hate it here. I hate it here. I'm gonna shape shift over my tattoo That's oh, I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, and remember how makes sense Remember how the skinny dogs stole my tail? Look, I can just, yeah, I got a new one. Oh.

Here, I'll rip it off. Here are any hold this tail. I got a new one. Oh wow, consequence free. Yeah, everybody gets a tail. Oh, wonderful. Look at your chairs, look at your chairs. Oh, jeez, tails.

We've all got tails. Oh, sounds like there's a pervert coming. O'Neil, you should do... Chant, I've got a tail for you. Oh, you, wait, you have a tail for me? I have got a tail. Oh please. Quick, Chant, hold this mead.

Okay. Okay, you should do hold this mead. Okay. Okay. You stood there. Hold my bag. Of course. Arnie, hold this dagger in your stomach. This whole thing. Arnie, he's got a tail to tail.

Come on. Wait, this is going to be a wonderful tail. Okay. All right. I've got something. And I need the three of you to help me. Oh my God, did someone shit their pants? And here's the thing it was before I was stabbed for once

Okay, I can't worry about that right now Today is a big day You all remember the love of my life That I left northeast yetastia. The stage? Well, yes, I mean, of course, but even before that. Yourself? You always say stay true to yourself. Yes, that's true. My number three love of my life, who I left Northeastia because my parents wouldn't let me marry her.

Goop! I know, I know, I know, call on me. Um, let's see the blue one. Ah, Riannon, the milkmaid. Oh yeah. Yes. She moves like a bell in the night. What does that mean? Does she shake her hips back and forth? And there's a dog in there somewhere? There's a what's this? What? You know a bell. Listen, I don't really like you speculating about whether or not there's a dong inside of my true love. Alright? That's fair. Sorry.

But the point is, I thought I couldn't be with her. Well, now I'm back. And I want to go speak with her, but the problem is, I've been fucking a nut. That's right. I forgot. Alice Peacorn, wasn't not? Oh yeah. Yes, Alice Peacorn was it was. Well, I gotta be honest, if I was Riannin' and I heard that you're fucking nuts,

I would want nothing to do with you. Well, it is a red flag if someone is clearly fucking nuts. But listen, I'm going to go see Rian and for the very first time since I left. I'm wondering Alice Peacorn is in that bag. Okay? If I leave, will you distract her so she doesn't know where I am? And keep her busy until I come back. Oh, certainly. We would be glad to do this for you, Tom.

Uh, eh, eh. You see, you see. Wait, hold on, just a second. You're saying your girlfriends in this bag. And when we keep her busy, well, you go talk to some other woman? Come on. What guy hasn't done this for his buddy?

The girlfriend's in a bag. You talk to the girlfriend in the bag while you... Come on, aren guy hasn't done this for his buddy? The girlfriend's in a bag. You talk to the girlfriend in the bag while you, come on, aren't we friends? Also, wait, aren't we friends? It's a different way. You're saying that the nut that you sometimes have in your butt is in this bag and you want us to deal with it. That does put a different spin on it.

Tom Lane, perhaps you need to make a clean break with Alice and then go speak to Rihanna and because if you're not in a with Alice, she deserves to know. But Alice is the love of my life. I thought you just said Rianan was what's Rianan? Well yes, my number three, but the love of my life is the stage. But the love of my life is myself. But the love of my life is Rianan, but the love of my life is Alice Peacorn.

Oh. Well, Rianan was number three, and Alice Peacorn was number four. So that's something. Does this mean it's like you're you're thinking about having an emotional affair, but you're just not sure with which one. I think that I would like to have an emotional affair with sexual components. So you want emotional affair with sexual components. So you want to fuck some sexual components? I just want to be in an emotional relationship where I also have sex. Does that make sense? It does.

Yeah, it seems just like a relationship to me. Much like any relationship between a man and a wife or a wife and a wife or a husband and a husband or an aunt and a chunt, where there's emotional stakes with a lot of sexual con. I have one quibble, Badger Boy. Sorry, Badger Boy, thank you. What's the habit? Well, just because you have one quibble doesn't mean you can't use it on two people. You know, listen. Haven't you ever loved two things that are in conflict to each other?

Well, I guess I love both my buttholes and they're next to each other, but they are sworn enemies. I mean, Arnie, don't you love food, but you also love staying away from Earth. That's not that simple. I know the pain you feel, Tom Blaine, for I, of course, love my good sweet lady, Genelevia the Red, the most powerful red wizard that has airwarked cross-foon. Yet I cannot help, but turn mine eye to that girm crust who in another lifetime, in another parallel timeline, we saw her be full in love with her.

We've all been in love with someone but then working up with crust in our eye. 100% and not to bring it back to me but just in case I'm sure everyone's curious, I've actually drawn a line between my two buttholes just so they both stay on their side of my butt. You know, because there's been a lot of infighting and a lot of territory, you know, scramble. So just in case people were wondering because my love is also valid. Go, Tom Blaine. Speak your heart. Let the inner truth of your love be heard. And then if it doesn't work out, come back here and let the other inner truth of your love be heard and then if it doesn't work out come back here and let the other inner truth of your love be heard Okay, take care of my butt nut

I'm just gonna open this sack here. Wait, before you do. I just got to say and I mean this for real I know he just stabbed me, but yeah If he does it again, I am not gonna support him for being king Okay, do you want me to heal you? Is that what this is about? Please? Oh, yeah, you can heal Very well. He's daddy magic Can I just say and I don't know if this is just me noticing this anytime Tom Blaine Bellaroth says hold my mead He then does and says the craziest shit. It's very impressive.

Yeah. All right, who's opening this bag? I'm just gonna have to touch it with my hands. Well, he added it to me. I'll open it here. Let's see. Hello. Oh, hello.

Hello. Hi. Hey, I don't think we've actually met before. No, no, hello. I'm Arnie Neacamp, I'm from another world. I know you were on GetNuts rival podcast, but I'm the host of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Oh, I've never heard of this podcast. I'm a huge family getting nuts and I was on their 2,000th episode.

It was a huge, huge honor and I just can't even imagine doing any other podcasts, but I guess here I am now. Alice, shh. Arnie was jealous he couldn't make that show. As well, he should have been. Alice, we're very happy to see you again. It's been so long. I'm so happy to see you.

Thank you for opening the Nut sack. Of course. My pleasure. Anytime I can, you know, search around the nut sack and find something fun to take out. I always do it. Good for you. Listen, are we alone to tumbling? Run off? Oh, he, well, for, well, actually, you might open the bag a little bit just just because there's not a lot of light coming in So just hi hey there. I'm just you know It's it's gel chun but I'm also now going by badger boy. It's my gang name. Oh good for you bad boy

Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you so much You're so calm Tom Blaine had what did he have he had oh he had to change his guys. I'll change his eyes. You want to do this one word at a time. He had to change his eyes. You know, I always saw him in disguises. He had to change up his guys. Oh, he changed his guys.

Okay, okay, because I thought he was leaving me here with all of you so that you could go talk to Rian and the love of his life And tell her that yeah, I mean we can cut the shit guys because I need your help. I need your help I need you guys to focus up. Okay Tom Blaine is gonna come back here in a few minutes and he is going to be distraught because he's not going to be able to find Riemon and tell her that he is back and he is a love to her. Oh shit, you killed Riemon. Oh no, god this is no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you know, I mean, wait, you know Anna, Flacto? Yes, we go way back.

I did it, Anna. No way. Yeah, two weeks. Did you look directly at her? No way. You were a chunt? Yes, well, badger boy, but yes, I am chunt. She used to talk about you all the time.

This is crazy. This is nuts. That is nuts. And we're getting nuts. This is you, sir, the time. This is crazy. This is nuts. That is nuts. And we're getting nuts. This is you, sir, of the blue. This is chunt. And we're getting nuts. Damn it.

Damn it. Ahni, welcome to Getting Nuts. We're here today with Alice Peacorn. And we're talking about the fact that Tom Blaine is not going to find Brianna. I'm very vexed and curious about how you know that. Yes, okay, so I'm just going to cut the chase here because if you don't have a lot of time

and I have a lot of time. Okay, well I feel like I don't because he's going to be looking for Riannan, he's not going to find her, he's going to get distressed and he's going to come back to his boys and want more advice, okay? So while I'm out of the nut sack, let me tell you the following God love his decides they're very very helpful for timing. So here's what I want to tell you guys And I need your help with this because I'm in a bit of a pickle. This nuts in a pickle. I...

That sounds kind of delicious and a nod to it. Kind of whining. Ooh, it is. It is. You've got the acidity and then you've got the sort of umami of the nut. They go all together. You don't think that they would pair well together,

but they really are a nice combination. We digress. Okay, so about 17 moons ago, Tom Blaine and I, the I being Riannan, reveal. You have Riannan's eyes. No, no, no, no, no. You stabbed at out to be a violent nut. I am very passive, okay? Okay. But here is my truth and, oh God, it's just a really extremely awkward. I knew that Tom Blaine and I could never be together because we were of different strata, right?

His parents said you cannot be with this woman. She is merely a milkmaid. We were devastated. He ran off to start a new life. Blah, blah, blah, we all know that. I could never get over him. So I followed him over hill and mountainside through crevice and gully.

And I secreted a way to become something that would be more palatable to him. And I've been disguising myself as an acorn. What the fuck? Okay, let me ask this question. What is it exactly that made it seem like being an acorn would be more sexually stimulating than say being a human woman? Okay, it's not about sexual stimulation at all. That is what a lot of people misconstrued about nuts, right?

They're like, oh, she's a nut. She must like XYZ in bed. I actually assume sexual stimulation with milk maids. Oh see, that is interesting. See, I don't, because, and I think that that must be like a male female driven conversation, because as a milk maid, my job is to go around and express the breasts of the women in the village and gather the milk for the newborn babes. Oh. And I think a lot of men are like, ooh, boobs.

Like that means something sexy, whereas most women are like, this is an odd function of my body that is to support life and I don't understand why men have nipples too and can't express milk. So I get the whole thing. I think there's some sort of misinterpretation there is like, oh, the lusty milk made. Who gets the milk from the cows?

Oh, that's the cow milker. Oh. I mean, that's a cow milker. What a dumb fucking question. I don't know, it's different on my world, I guess. What did you think cow milkers did? You know, Stuart, he's got like a long gray beard. I'm not sure if he's got to do that.

Yeah, he's a real CalMilker. He's not sexy at all. No, thank you. No, I don't think so. I mean, I'm sure somebody finds Stuart very sexy to each his own, right? Right. I'd not hear to judge what people find stimulating or not stimulating. I mean, I'm a freaking nut

that's been in a butt for the last three years. Now, how did you become a nut if you're really Rihanna? Well, I went to go see this present company. I feel very, very awkward using this terminology. I think he was a wizard. I did not check his credentials. He said that he had done very many magic events. I didn't see any certificates hanging on his wall. You went to a caterer. Did he use those exact words? He did. And at the time, I thought, well, only a wizard would use such a broken vernacular. And so I, you know, that sort of skilled the deal for me. And so I said, I am in love with a man who has many stations above me. I am only the woman who goes around expressing the nipples of

the women of the village in order to feed the newborn babes. We can ever be together. He has been banished, but he has run off to start a new life. I would like to bump into him and see if we might connect on another plane, right? Just because he sees me as this person he can never be with. What would be something that would be so mundane and every day that he just simply couldn't object. And so the wizard said, I will return you to nature. And I was like, that sounds great. I did not realize I was gonna be an acorn

in a freaking tree, waiting to sort of be discovered. I mean, what I do, I do enjoy wearing a hat. So that was like a great, I liked that part of it. I gotta say, looks great. It's adorable. Thank you very much. And I wear it to it. I mean, I've done what I can with it,

with the John T. Angle. But anyway, cut to the forest, Tom Blaine is like, I'm an actor and I'm like, sure you are, everybody is. But then he's a series of bats and he's quite convincing. And there I am, natureing it up. And we did, in fact, the wizard, fake wizard,

magic, not a word. He did a great job and he allowed us to reintroduce ourselves to each other. And basically, Tom Blaine is the love of my life, but I've been acting like another person in order to be with him. And now he thinks that he is actually in a love triangle that he is not, and it is killing me. I don't mean to suggest I have an enjoyed being his butt, not, but I do think that there could be more for us, but I feel like I've gone too far, and I've lied to him.

Any questions before it comes back? You know, I thought I had questions, but this is very similar to the 12th Knight. Remember in the Old King's service, he had 15 nights and the 12th Knight start to act real weird and turn himself into a nut? Do you remember that? And then the nut found his true love,

but that was afraid to reveal his true self after a period of years. Yeah, this is similar to that. Very similar to that. Oh, I think I hear Tom playing approaching. Quick back in the bag. So did you find her? No, I'm distraught.

You're running a lot. Like you are very winded every time you come in here. Yeah, that's true. I should probably lose some weight here. Let me take one of the knives off my belt hold this on it. Arnie tried to put it into your hand to be fair. Aratrol's Kafa, Tronomoram Throck.

Well Tom Blin I'm glad that you came back to your boys boys knife. Boys knife. No one boys knife. Because we're here to support you whatever you need whatever's knife! No, boy's knife. Because we're here to support you. Whatever you need, whatever is knife. Thank you. Whatever kooky reality is really happening, I just want you to know that the three of us are here for you. Whether you are happier or sad. Well, right now, I'm sad, because I finally got up the courage to talk to Riannon, and I can't find her. The only person I can find is Stuart the cowl-milker, who by the way is impossibly sexy. Well, it's mostly the job, right? Yeah, he always does.

Oh my God, because you sort of imagine like he's going around and he's squeezing others, but like, what's happening? You know? Tumbling, can I say, you're looking for Riann and you can't find her? Well, you might say that you have Riann in the back. Wait a minute, she's in Bagsville! Exactly! Of course she's travelled to Bagsville! Well, I call it Corkhole. I mean, I call it Cornhole, but I'm a local so.

Yes, I do believe that's true toumbling. You should rush up to your quarters and and get your best traveling Cape and get ready to leave. Yes, Bagsville. That's it. That's where I'll find the answer. That's where I'll find my love So long as I don't get distracted by Stewart God damn So long as I don't get distracted by steward. God damn! Alright, I'm going to go up and get my very best traveling cloak. I'll be back.

Better get my lungs up to start to run. Wait, him breathing like that means he's starting to run? What? Why is he winning when he's done running? But then he works up to running. He's processing next tray, I think. To get ready to run makes sense to me. Okay.

Alright. Alright, now Badger Boy, Onnie, I want you to talk to Alice Peacorn. I'm going to go find Stewart and make sure he's out of the picture. Oh shit. Badger boy, is he used to be going to kill Stewart? I don't think so. I mean, the way this episode's going, he'll probably turn him into something, right? Like a cow?

Oh. Something too big to put up a butt. Excuse me? Never mind. Challenge accepted. I'm going to open this bag. Alice. Yes, is he on? Was he here?

Yeah, is he like, okay, what did he say? Tell me everything. Well, let's see. First he said, he said that. Oh my God, he needs to lose some weight. I don't know. I know. Maybe you guys could talk to him. And then he said that he couldn't find Rihanna anywhere and didn't know what to do about that. And I kind of phased out at that point and was still just thinking about his breathing. Badger Boy, am I forgetting anything else in there? Oh, and he just to be clear,

he mentioned something about Stuart but just like very pathonically, he was just like Stuart keeps it real, like, Stuart's a stand up dude. Oh God, of course. Yeah. Of course, there's like no way that you could see Stuart

and be like, oh my God, I'm intrigued in any way. Like you just see Stuart and you're like, there's like no way that you can see Stuart and be like, oh my god I'm intrigued in any way. Yeah, but you just see Stuart and you're like, there's a thing Right, right, yeah, yeah, and that's and and he was par for the course, so So just know that Okay, so par par par, okay, but do you think he suspects that the reason he can't find Rian and it's because I Am actually Rianna is because I am actually Rianna masquerading as a tiny acorn that has been up his butt. No, get ready for this. Brace herself. He thinks she's in Bag's Hill.

In Bag's Hill? Yeah. I mean, I noticed. Gornhold her. Yeah, me too. Where are you from? I'm from Hogsface. You know, Alice, I feel like, honestly, good news. I don't think he'll ever suspect that you're Rihanna.

Like, I don't know what would make him make that mental leap. Like, you've explained it to me, and I'm not sure I understand it. Use it, or buddy. Don't worry, I have taken care of Stuart. I, uh, to make sure that there's no chance Don't worry. I have taken care of Stuart. I... To make sure that there's no chance that Tom Blaine and Stuart become entangled. I placed Stuart in a crystal coffin where he'll sleep until he's kissed by a prince.

Wait, what? Fuck. What? You said, or you sweet fucking fool. So we'd be okay as long as Tom Blaine's not a prince. Yeah, he'll be king soon and then he won't be able to wake up to it. We'll be fine. But, okay, here's what I'm struggling with and I can really use like some gal talk.

Am I not deceiving the man I love in order to get what I want? Like, have I gone too far? I think not. You don't. Okay, tell me why. No, because I as a wizard engage in strange and protracted courtings with my lady loved, Geneva the Red. Often I appear in her house as a two-tier wedding cake, and then she flies through the window as a bat. And then a dog comes in and it turns out that's a third wizard, our friend Bloth the Brown, and then we all reveal who we really are, and we all say, I'm in love with you.

And then we all transform ourselves into stars and fly into the sky. Relatively, this is pretty normal. And Alice, can I just say that it makes me so happy as a little badger boy for you to trust us with some girl talk. Girl talk. Girl talk.

Well, thanks. Should we all get tattoos? Yes! Yes, very much so. Well, I wouldn't mind having stinklines. Let's get tattoos. We'll take a quick break to do that, and we'll be right back with more getting nuts.

Wow, you the three of you got those tattoos so fast. Thank you. Mine is a cow with wings and It's laughing, but it kind of looks like it's crying. Oh, are those stink lines? Yeah, it's a smelly cow. Oh, that's so sweet. Mine is, it's kind of like a bird and it's like taking to the sky, you know, it's like a bird in flight. Yeah. Would you want to love it?

I think so. And actually, a kind of burden flight Taking to this guy. That's what I asked for but the artist drew a cow crying. So it's I mean, we all you know Say you're not gonna you didn't get matching tattoos You try it. Let's all go get tattoos right. Yes. Mine is a picture of your face on me and beneath it It says girls night. Hmm. That would make a great shirt. And those are definitely stinklines. Those are definitely stinklines. Well, this one's actually blood splitting out where he got stabbed. Oh.

So, I have a question and I'm so sorry to dive right into this, but- Please. Here's one of the many things I don't understand about your situation specifically. So, a wizard turned you into a nut. Mm-hmm. A doubt it So a wizard turned you into a nut. Mm-hmm. A doubt it was a wizard. And are you stuck as a nut? Or can you change back into Rianna? I am, I technically I'm not stuck as a nut. I

spiritually and enveloped in the lie. Now for several years I am metaphorically stuck as a nut. But no, I can just simply say the words. Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't. Whoa! Whoa! Remounts! Oh, well, Rihanna, it is a pleasure to meet you as yourself for the first time.

Thank you, it's a pleasure to meet all of you as well. You can see now why Tom Blaine just has no idea that it's actually me and this lie is just it's become cumbersome and I feel like I feel like I can no longer do this, you know, to be authentic, right? Have any of you ever been a relationship that's a complete and utter sham? I've had I've been in many shabber relationships. Sometimes it's just a weird way to pass the time. Other times it's

to achieve some goal of mine, perhaps I'm seducing a force, one of the minions of darkness to steal a particular weapon or scroll. Wait, hold on, you've been doing that and you haven't been doing it on the podcast? You've been doing like sexy evil seduction and we haven't gotten a second of that audio on the show. I do a lot of stuff between the weeks that we record this show.

We record the show for one hour a week. The rest of the week, I'm out there fighting evil. Yeah, we're all up to stuff. Like not too long ago, I was dating what I thought was a raisin, but just turned out to be an old grape. So I got duped. And I gotta say, when I found out I was pissed, I kicked that grape right in his nuts.

And I felt like an adult. Like I felt healthy, you know, to kick that grape in his nuts. For some reason. It wasn't, it didn't feel very sweet, but it was, I felt, I felt like an adult. Hmm, it know, to kick that grape and it's nuts, for some reason. It didn't feel very sweet, but I felt like an adult. It sounds hard to chew. It was hard to swallow for sure. Arnie? I don't do anything all week.

Like, this is like the most I do all week, is this podcast. You don't try to sexually steal swords. No, I don't sexually do sexually steal swords. No. I don't sexually do anything. Oh, agree to disagree. Oh well, thank you buddy. I'll take that.

He's doing again, you said already he's doing it again. That sexy modesty thing. What? Me? Come on, nah, I'm not a sexual being. Sexy bod, sexy mod. Oh, here comes everyone. Be cool. Here comes Tom Bley. Oh We have a few minutes

Wrong all right sorry I've got my best traveling cloak on and I'm headed to Bagzville. Wait a minute, there's some, there's no one standing behind me. I thought I saw the movement of just something just dive right behind you, Gus Wayneis. I don't think so, I don't think there's anyone behind me that you've been in love with. You're one true love. Well now that sounds suspicious. There's also no one behind me that you've been in love with. And I'll do anything all week. I saw the flash of something irresistible. Has Stuart the cow milk

had been here? Oh, because he's the kind of person where you look at him and you go, there's a thing. That story about Stuart actually, an evil wizard. Put him under a sleeping spell and left him in a crystal coffin, or you can only be woken by the kiss of a prince. Huh? Well, well. Why are you looking around the room, hungryly? Because I'm just wondering if things don't work out in Bagsville.

Okay, all right, I'm headed to Bagsville. How are things going with Alice? Very well. She's decided to reconsider your future together. She decided maybe she wants to become a tree. Yeah, well, we always knew that was where things were headed. Yeah, but I think that's something she'd have to do on her own and really figure out on her own. You know, it's like you can't really like be a tree with her.

Well, you know, not yet, but if I'm the king, you also can't have a tree up your butt. Yeah. Look, I've tried. Well, you got to work up to it. For fun, you could have a tree some your butt. Yeah. Look, I've tried. Well, you gotta work up to it. For fun, you could have a tree some, but that can also be weird. Minasha tree. So I think she's got a lot on her plate and she's looking to the future.

Perfect. This gives me time to sort things out with Riannon. I heard a rumor though. What? She's not in here, he was getting ready to run. Yes, but before you run all the way to Bagzville, I heard that she's in the Royal cafeteria. Oh, cafeteria. Riannan's just in the Royal cafeteria?

That's what I heard. The RC. They've got delicious cola. Alright, I'm going to run to the RC. I probably...you know what? If I'm not going all the way to Bagsville, maybe I should take my dagger. Yeah, hop. You know what? On second thought? No, I'll leave it right here.

Dull-oh! All right, I'm off to the RC. Watch over Alice while I'm gone. Oh, we shall. I think this is not very far away, why is he? Why is he putting two fingers up to his neck? I think he thinks he's more athletic than he is. Is the coast clear?

Yes, you can come out from behind me now. The coast is clear. I, I, about a hundred times, I, I wondered if I should just appear from behind your cloak and say, it's me, it's me, the one that you love, but I don't, I got distracted by his heavy breathing and, and then he'd like, he lingered on the steward thing and that I just got being out of the bag is complicated.

I think you have to consider this. Do you really think he didn't know it was you the whole time? I never considered that. I mean, you sound exactly the same. Yeah, I could see why he might be confused, but I can't hear why he might be confused. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. I'm not an actor.

I mean, I thought I was doing kind of an acorn voice. Oh. Was I not? Oh, do it again. Yeah, do your acorn voice. Hi, I'm Alice P. Corn, and I live in a tree, and I would like to date you. And then you're able to it do it again. Yeah do your acorn voice. Hi I'm Alice P. Corn and I live in a tree and I would like to date you. And you're right. Great voice again. Okay here's here's Rian. Hi I'm Rianne. I'm the milkmaid of the village and I would like to date you.

Could you do Rianne and doing Alice? Oh totally. doing Alice? Oh, totally. Hi, I'm Alice Fee Corn, and I'm like pretending to be something I'm not. Interesting, interesting. And now Alice doing Riannin? Okay. Hi, I'm Riannin, and I guess I have a job that's real.

Fascinating, fascinating. Yeah, you're cool. What about Riannin doing Stewart? because that might be your last ditch oh yeah hello my name is Stuart I uh milk all the local cows and uh I would be interested in having a long and meaningful relationship with you. Yeah, kid. Oh my god. It's Crafman. I'll catch you later, dude. Crafman, what are you up to, Crafman? Oh, Stuart, I didn't know you here. It's Crafman in the carriage driver. Hey, Crafman, I'm just finishing up with my boys. I'll catch you.

It's been a while since I've seen you. Do it. You're looking great. Thanks. It's a... You got it. Yeah, and we also... Us boys just shaved his beard. So... We're just trying to make...

We're doing the boobs. Boys night! Boys night! Well, naturally, boys night. Yeah. Listen, that's straight. Can I buy you a drink there? Oh God, you didn't hear? I gave up drinking. I would drink too much and and it appears my mom and it got real dark and so I gave up the drink.

Well nothing's more attractive to me than somebody who can admit their own weaknesses and start to grow from them Something about crafting. I'm trying to remember now God damn it Stuart You only live once you're looking incredible. Oh my okay Listen, I'm just trying to hang with my boys boys night and Boys night boys night. I would I would you know, it's great to see you too. I think you're getting caught up in the fantasy

of time lost and who we used to be is younger men and very flattered by all of this, but I would like to bid you a do. Oh, well, maybe this will help. Oh, craftman, I don't know if you heard, we're kind of hanging out with Stuart. Wait, he's so Crafnann in here? Oh Crafnann is one of my favorite writers.

Sorry, Crafnann, I don't know if you heard Stuart lost his job, he's no longer a cow-malker. Oh, really? You seem disappointed. Well, yeah, you know, I guess everyone sort of fantasizes about what goes on with those cow-malkers. Well, listen, I hear you, but I'm on the door and it's real dire and I'm probably gonna get kicked out of my apartment, so that's not attractive at all.

Correcting you seem breast-fallen. Yeah, I guess that's the way to describe it. Listen, if you ever change your mind, you know what to find me. Driving carriage. Okay, uh... Until next time. Would it be crazy if we kissed? I'm in a hide. Yes, please. Yeah, no, it would, no. Cretan and kissed? Yes, please.

Yeah, no, it would. No, it would be crazy. Crap, and then read the room, buddy. Oh, sorry. Hey, you know, no means no, and a non means non. So see you. I'll see you a non. All right, well, a non means a non.

OK. Okay. Okay. Hush. Hush. Hush. Hush. Hush. Hush.

I gotta run out to my carriage. Wait a second. I have a crazy theory. What? Was that not preffinant? Is it possible? I don't know. The breathing sounded really familiar.

Was it just me? Yeah. Okay. And I being punked, does he know that I have been acting like an acorn this whole time? And so then he just came back to act like the carriage driver to get me to be seduced by him, thinking that I was actually steward. When my steward voice, you guys, is not that good. I mean, it makes as much sense as anything here, and I just want to reiterate, thank goddesses, this podcast is free. Yeah, and it's, I mean, it's as much sense as anything here and I just want to reiterate. Thank goddesses. This podcast is free Yeah, and it's I mean, it's only about as confusing as 12 nights 12 nights

Do you think they'll teach this episode in schools? well first share a hundred percent like Semesters worth not even just like visited in the canon of like some larger like early podcasting. No, this will be like semester-long deep dive. So here's my theory. I think it's just as possible that Tom Blaine disguises himself as CREFNIN and then just totally by coincidence ran into you as Stewart and really thought you were Stewart. Okay, wait a minute. Is Tom Blaine a fucking idiot?

I mean, I think so. Wait, not yet, you say it. Yeah, I can see it. Because, okay, we have established that I am not that great at disguise. He just attracted to anybody who gives him the time of day. Man, woman, nature, tree, appendage. It's possible. That is all very possible. But what is really important here is that you'd love him. I do love him. You must speak the truth. Your truth. Unto Tom Blaine. Oh, and speaking of Willie Nilly, who's this red-headed stranger? Oh, it's Oakreffenen, the author! I couldn't help it over here, some people were mentioning my name and my stories at this

table. Oh yes, we're all huge fans of Creffenen. Ah, I love how all of your stories start with an interesting twist, but then end up exactly the way you'd hoped. Yes, well I find in life. For that sometimes an ironic twist can bring people together. Yeah, write it down, O'Crafton, we don't want to hear it. Well, the problem is, I'm very old and I'm going to die. Excuse me, O'Crafton?

Yes. I have a copy of one of your books here. Which one? The lover and the lace. Oh, yes. Yes, it's an ironic tale, but it turns out that the lace was the lover the whole time but the lace gave up the lover and the lover gave up the lace because they didn't know that they were each other. What? Dad, it just give to me your lover. Take from me. Yeah, Lily.

My ways. Okay, I was hoping that you could sign my book for me in the open cover, the jacket first page. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm going to die. Take this pen, please. And I want you to scribe this book to me To me no to to me Who's you? Thank you for asking

Reannan oh Well, I'm going to die now! Heeeeeee! Heeeeeee! Heeeeeee! He died in his own shocking twist, I suppose. What a theatrical death that was. Really embellished and really evoked a lot of emotions within me. Here I thought I would feel such pathos for an old man just dying, dying here right in

front of me. And scene. I'm not going to gasp because I knew it was you all along. Tom Blaine. Reannon. It's me, Reannon. Reannon! Yeah, that Reannon.

Oh well, Cretan's taking off his red wig. It was Tom Blaine. Sorry I'm just catching up. Rianan, I'm so sorry. I pretended to be someone else. The worst thing a person can do to someone. No, no, no, no, no. That's actually just totally one of the mill like relationship for play stuff. It is straight out is straight out of no crefnen story.

I too have been pretending to be somebody else. I know. Stuart. It's the only thing that can explain my mysterious pull to him. No, I will not out in the world, but a few minutes ago here in the tavern, I was pretending to be Stuart, and I think you were pretending to be... No, I mean, earlier today in the street, when I talked to Stewart, that was you, right?

No, that was not me, that was actually Stewart. Oh. Oh, okay. Well now, Tom Blaine buckle up because this next revelation is a little bit of a longer walk. Yes, but because I've told the story once before, it's going to get real succinct now. I'm Alice Peacorn. I left the kingdom, secreted myself as an acorn so that you, a series of bats, would

fall in love with me and leave our stations in life and have the love affair that we've always wanted to have. I've been living a lie, but it's only been to be with you and to have the love that I know we could have together. That makes perfect sense. It does? You see? I knew that you had to be Alice Peacorn and Stewart because nothing else would explain. No, no, no, no, no, I'm not Stewart. I'm not Stewart. I was doing a Stewart voice a couple no, no, I'm not Stewart. I'm not Stewart. I was doing a Stewart voice a couple minutes ago here in Tavern, but I am not Stewart.

Yes, and I have to say something, let me just stand up here. I'm part of this. I told her to do Stewart's voice. I'm part of this. All right. Sorry, I thought more people would, well, I'm just gonna sit down. Sorry, I thought no people would let I'm just gonna sit down Sorry, I keep going. Yeah, I keep going. No, this makes sense

This makes sense of course you're everyone I've ever loved You're reanon your LSP corn You're the ball troll I had sex with no no, I'm gonna stop you there just those two nope. I'm going to stop you there. Just those two people. And I'm begging you, please do not list any more people because that will be soul crushing and also like that nobody ever wants to hear that. Right, right. Of course. All right. But you were the Fiaswambrat, right? Nope. No, no, no, no. What Fiaswambrat, of course course the people that I am and was okay, and it's two Yeah, it's Riannan and it's Alice P corn perfect. Yeah, those are the big ones. Yeah And let's say who I wasn't I wasn't Stewart. Okay, can you say that you weren't Stewart? Okay, but no, but you were Stewart

No, no, I just did a Stewart voice well, but you can't say I'm not steward, bicks have that one time that I was steward. Well, I wasn't one of the big ones. That was when she was a steward little. Oh, yes, okay. Yes. But you were a steward little too. We need, we need to worry about steward any longer.

For I have put a sleeping spell on him and placed him in a crystal coffin. And then the only way he'll ever wake is his footprints kisses him in 10 minutes. And if he isn't kissed within 10 minutes, the coffin fills with acid and destroys his body, killing him instantly. And then a Phoenix flies up out of the coffin and places a new notice on the town square for a new cow milker. Well, it's clear what I need to do to demonstrate my love for you.

Let's do it, be consumed with acid. Oh, that happened a few minutes ago, probably. Oh, well, perfect. See all that stuff that you just said right there? That's like real wizard shit. I don't know why I fell for that other guy that was like handing out flyers by the tarmac next to the roadway. Yeah, you and me in this guy? Tumbling, I love you, but this is fucking exhausting.

No! Rihanna, have you considered dating other people? Like... Not until this moment. Ahni, ahni, now's not the time of place to make a move. Boy, no, no, no, no, no. It's not what I meant. No, I don't think that was a move. Nothing about him is sexual. Yeah. He's shit is pants, for God's sake.

Yeah. Agreed to disagree. Agreed to disagree. I've been sitting in it for the whole length of this episode. We even took breaks. We even took breaks, and he didn't take care of it. I went into the bathroom during the break, but didn't do anything about it. I didn't clean myself up, but I'm still not the craziest person in this episode. No?

But what a happy ending. Finally, these two lovers reunited once again, and now with Tom ascending to the throne. And he shall be able to change the rules. And Mary, whoever he does wish. Yeah, is that true? Is that true? Yes, queen. Yes, queen. Yes, queen.

I'm pretty sure you are not allowed to say that. What? It's not yours to say. Oh, well, yes, queen. Just say, certainly that could be a possibility. Certainly that could be a possibility, queen. Better, no. Just say, certainly that could be a possibility. Certainly that could be a possibility. Better. No.

Well, I'm glad that we've all said what we need to say. And born our truth out into the world. It's beautiful. If you'll excuse us we're gonna go get Tom Blaine a stress test and a cardiographic examination. I see in a hot the carry immediately. All right, should we hurry? No. No, should walk extremely slowly. I don't want to waste any time. Now that I know that I've an entire future with my love awaits I don't want to waste one minute. Okay here we go. Sounds like a tart is getting ready to

go. I don't know what you two should do but I do think you both have found a gift. You've both found someone that has betrayed you exactly the same amount as you've betrayed them. And so maybe that means that you can make it work. Yeah, a healthy relationship isn't about becoming the ideal version of yourself that the other person wants. It's about being your true self Not putting up an even ears and it's about being constantly slightly annoyed at the other person. That sounds right

Rianan. Yes. Will you take my hand? Yes Okay, and now hold it. Okay, okay Will you take my throne, my crown, my king's knob, all the things that I king holds and hold them in your heart as thus I will hold your teats in my heart. I think the audible from one of the guys says it all just like this like hmm Like you had it and then it's like you lost it Well, it's no one me to hold your knob my king's knob. Yeah, okay, you know that the

Stick that a king holds stop doing that with your hands. No, the stick, you know. Just stop. Yes, I understand. The acceptor. Oh, yeah. Sure. There they go. The two most in love people I've ever seen.

Whoa, guys, duck! A phoenix just flew by. Goodbye, Stuart. You were too beautiful for this world. Oh wait, Tom Blaine's running after the Phoenix. Rounded drinks for the whole bar on Cretan. Wait, how the hell's Cretan here? Tom Blaine, let's go!

We have to go. What's this? We have to go. Is that it? I am required by law to remind listeners, hello from the Magic Tavern is not a relationship advice show. If you find yourself taking cues from any of the characters about how to navigate adult dynamics and gender roles, talk to your doctor. Talk to a dog. Talk to an inspirational poster of wheat.

Just don't do what we're doing. User or the wizard was played by Mat Young. Badger Boy was played by Adel Raphai. Prince Tom Blaine de la Roth was played by Steve Walteen. Steve is a writer for the Peabody Award-winning, late show with Steven Colbert. Alice Peacorn, the talking Acorn that's also Rianne and the Milkmaid, both of whom just want Sally Field to let them see the kids, was played by special guest Kate James. Kate is a writer for the Showtime Show Work in Progress. Season 2 of which

will be coming out late summer, early fall. Just as soon as all the CGI dragons have been added. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacant, Matt Young in Edelrufai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode was edited by Garrett Schultz. Special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. The secret ingredient you didn't even know you wanted, the one mouse whisker in your 20 piece chicken McNuggets. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

And now I've got to devote my efforts to getting out of here, one lone figure against all of Italy. Wasn't that a John Grisham novel? If it wasn't, it should be John Qsac meets the work, speaking of getting to work. Time to rest for a bit. These macaroon slow you down. you