Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 98 - Trachea and Tomblain

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Prince Tomblain begins the ceremony to become King but his sister Princess Trachea is waiting to kill him.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPrincess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth: Megan O'NeillTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

People of Earth. Well, well, well. Look who ran out of episodes of how I built this and came crawling back. Well jokes on you, because we're grateful for even the tiniest shred of attention. So let me bring you up to speed on the story thus far. By directing you to any of the countless Wikipedia pages, carefully maintained by people whose only source of vitamin D is their many spider terrariums in their garden apartment. Thanks, Moorlocks.

As for me, I'll keep digging this escape tunnel under the Italy gelato bar, and you get to listening. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I've been using that to

upload a podcast, chronicling our quest, too. I guess it'll defeat the Dark Lord, but you know what? For almost that entire time, from almost like the very beginning, maybe episode two or three, we've also been chronicling the saga

of Prince Tom Blaine, Beloroth. And is he gonna be king? Is he ever gonna be king? Like, J.S.O.'s crows, does he ever gonna be king? Is he ever gonna be king? Like, J.S.O.'s crows, does he ever gonna be king? And now we are in his carriage on the way to the cave, where he does the bat dance. Prince Tom Blink, how does this work? I guess I don't actually understand

how gaining of throne works here in the Northeast. Well, I just want to say and to acknowledge to all of your listeners how incredible it is that this is the final episode of the podcast. Oh. That everything is built up to this. And what's the journey we've all been on? And I hope you don't miss us too much. Oh, um, you said art. Chant.

Yeah, yeah. Right, um, use it art, chunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I think I accidentally made Tom Blaine feel like he was the A storyline of the podcast. Oh, this is more, I guess you guys aren't familiar with storytelling rules of my world. This is more kind of like the B or C storyline. Oh, what about my crusade to defeat Krillbar? Oh boy, that's like, uh, real low.

I got a big update. Really? Yeah? Okay, well, what's the update on Krillbar? I killed him this week. You killed him? Yes, I went to Krillbarland, and I destroyed him utterly with a giant fireball. Yeah, and already what about my C subplot storyline?

Uh-huh. Which is before we set out on this journey, we decided we were each going to go by a Prince name. So in case we're ambushed or attacked, there's four people with the name Prince. And they don't know which one's Tom Blaine Beloroth. Of course, I was Prince Teddy Charming. Usador was Prince Appalia, and you were Prince Arnie, because you refused to play along. It's easier for me to remember. I just want to be able to commit to it, right? I don't want to forget what it is.

I don't want to forget that. I'm a do-chir-chir-chir. Oh, good. Anyway, Tom Blaine, although this isn't the last episode of the podcast, maybe we are closing the book on the first chapter of it. It's incredible to stand on the threshold of becoming king of an entire land. I can feel the weight of the responsibility. Do you know they say, heavy is the head that wears the crown?

Do you know that means? It means that the crown once placed upon your head actually adds a certain amount of weight to it, making it heavier. Yeah, your neck is shorter, I heard. It's to do with brain swelling. Oh, yes, because you become... No, once you become king, your brain has to expand to take into account all the things that you have responsibility for. I can feel it happen already, Arnie. Would you like to touch my Kingsnob?

Mmm... I think I'm gonna pass on that. What's the Kingsnob again? It's a little stick that the King holds. Oh! It's on the end. The Kingsnav. I hate to say it. I do kind of want to touch... Can I hold the Kingsnav? Is that allowed? Please. Let me just get it out. Okay. Just put that knob in my hand.

Yep, there you go. Wow. Oh, be gentle. Okay, it's heavier than I would have imagined. Oh, yeah. Prince Tom Blaine, I want you to know that I would not only touch your King's knob, but I would take the whole thing for you. These are the dedicated servants that I need.

Guess Wainus, you will be the official magician of the Northeast. Oh, wonderful. A nude title, official magician of the northeast. Oh, wonderful. Unnude. Title. Official magician. And Chant, you shall be a regal badger of the court. Who? You mean Prince Daddy Charming? That's right.

Arnie. Yes. What's up? Um, just, just waiting on my job. Good, good to see you, man. Good to see you. Glad you... job. Good, good see you man, good see you. Glad you're here. Good see you too. It's funny that the King's Nob looks so tiny and already's big hands.

Yeah, I did expect the King's Nob to be a little bit bigger. Well, it's, uh, it's worn down over time because there's been thousands of generations of Bellaroths who've held this knob and it gets smaller with each generation Because every king nervously rubs their knob until pieces Flake off. Oh, that can't be good. That's natural. How many of the thousands of generations of beller like how far back Can you track the thousands of generations of bearoths? Oh, let's see. How Bane, Blan Bane, Tane Bane, Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Bane Great, oh, it seems like there's a stretcher they all have the same name for a while.

Bane Bane Bane for a while? Oh, that happens sometimes, Arnold. You see, in our world, a name can be passed out from generation to generation. And the first time it happens, you say, ah, my name is Robert. Now my son is Robert, Jr. And then their son is Robert, Jr. Jr. And then their son is Robert, Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. And so on and so forth. Okay. It's funny. Uh, You know, junior, junior, and so on and so forth. Mm-hmm, okay. It's funny, uh,

Tom Boyd, when you're saying, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain, it reminded me of this crazy frog I once met, which just couldn't stop saying, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain, bain. It was crazy frog. It was made like 12 years ago, it was pretty popular. Wait, didn't that frog sound more like,

burr, burr, burr, burr, burr, burr? I might be thinking of a different frog. Yeah, I think you are don't correct my references Slap. Why did he hit us both? Yeah, he's gotten really violent since he became the regal beagle. No, no, no the regal badger. Oh I like mine better, but I'm going to put the king's knob back where it belongs Okay, and Didn't expect him to put it there, but okay? Just sort of...

Loosing my body up to do the back dance. Now nothing stands in my way. It's incredible to feel that my goal is within reach. Oh, this is going to be wonderful to watch Tom Blaine. Finally a sedent to the throne. What glorious day that we are here to witness such a beautiful dance. Surely this is the time turning against the Dark Lord! I'm going to live forever. Now, let's get out of the carriage.

Ah! Can I just... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Not to criticize your majesty. But there's a visual magician of the court. Sayings like, Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, I wish for you to live for a very long time. Well, that's what I said. I'm going to live forever. Okay. All right. But don't you want to give yourself goals? Isn't it important to say out loud the things that you want to achieve? That is very true.

I think you're fine seeing you're going to live forever. Just don't say you're going to retire. Well, I did buy a boat. Oh, buddy. No. Technically, this is his last day on the job as Prince. Oh, no. Oh. Yes. Oh, look, look, look, no. Technically, this is his last day on the job as Prince. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yes.

Oh, look, look, look, look. Look, foreshadowing. Oh, yeah, when the four of us stand here, when the four of us stand here, and the sun's setting behind us. You can see the foreshadowing. This foreshadowing. Oh, that's beautiful.

That is beautiful. Let's all get in closer. So it looks like we're one person with four heads. Come on. Oh, okay. Here's a four-shot dove. Mm-hmm. Wow.

Wonderful. We've really done it. Now, we must step trepidatiously into the cave. Sorry, sorry, I don't know that word. What are we doing? Cautiously. Yes, yes, yes. No, the other one.

Cave? No, the other one. Cave? No, the first one. Step. Yeah. What is that? It's an acronym for slowly take every precaution. Strapidaciously into the cave. Every precaution?

Yes. So I've got a raincoat on. And I'm wearing a sheepskin cock cover. Ooh, I'll put my claws out just in case something comes at us. Good step. I shall draw my sword and raise my staff and prepare for battle if we are encountered by anyone who would dare to stop us. And I'm gonna remember that that sheepskin thing is a cock cover.

In case I see it later and forget what it's for, and I'm like, what's this thing? Is it a musical instrument? Should I blow into it? No. And I'll just call the carriage, alright? Oh yes, thank you so much for doing that. It's wonderful to see the driver again. Oh, what is his name? What is his name? CREFNIN!

Hey, I saw CREFNIN! It's not O CREFNIN. O CREFNIN's famous author. That's right. That's right. It's good to see your CREFNIN. Wait, did somebody say O CREFNIN's around? I love his books.

I said it. I wish I could say that it was an intentional thing, but I literally every time, sincerely say it as O'Crafton. I don't know why. Oh, I'm a huge fan. Anyway, good luck becoming King. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll see you.

Why? Why would he say it like that? Oh, look, five shadowing. Oh, wow.ing. Oh wow. Hey Arnie, hey listen buddy, I know Tom Blaine gave you sort of titles and he didn't evading to you, but I just want you to know you're my best friend.

And when I am made regal, when I am given regal membership, I will give you one free small popcorn. And any soda you get, I will upgrade to the next size. Is this anytime or it's just like just on like a Tuesday? Anytime you're with me and my regal membership, since I am now a regal badger, you will get those perks and I'll re-enact a story for you on your birthday for free.

How about that? Wow. Because I know you're at an all-time lows, so I am willing to do this for you, okay? And remember, AMC. Always. Mm-hmm. Always.

Sorry, I'm not... Lunch. John's in the... Oh, that's what that means. Sorry. As I was about to say what AMC said for a firefight. Fluent my throat. Look, is my throat lighting up.

There is an arc of light in there. Does that the right one? Johnny, chunt. Quickly. What about to step into the cave? While I was off killing Krillbaw this week, you two went ahead and killed Princess Trekkie a really as we agreed, correct? What?

What? You guys came to the cave and killed the princess so that the king could have sent to the throne. Car... Yeah! Oh, good. Good. Oh, no, no, no, fine.

Wait, what, John, how long are we going to be able to get away with this lie in a few seconds? Everything's fine! Ooh! Into the cave we go. John, is it possible that we actually did get rid of Princess Trachea Eurelia and just forgot? We're about to find out. Hello!

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello, ancient cave. Thousands of generations of kings have stood in this very yawning chasm before. And now I come to do what my father did, and my grandfather, and his father before him, and not the father before that, because he was a coward, but the father before that.

Dear goddesses, has time not made you any less long-winded brother? A ghost! I used to know I'm sorry, I never killed her, sorry. Oh, oh. And I'm sorry, Chant made me lie about it. What? Slap! What is this? My twin sister. Always jealous that I was three years older.

Always jealous that you were spending time on mothers' teats instead of doing things that a boy should be doing. Teet time is growing time. Chant, chant. Can I get that power? time on mothers' teats instead of doing things that a boy should be doing. Teatime is growing time. John, John, can I get that popcorn now? Who? Who have you brought with you in here, brother? I have brought my friends, the Royal Magician.

You know us, and the Badger of the Court. The Badger of the Court? Who are you to be making appointments to a royal court? I'm the king to be! Oh really? And if it's only you that stands in my way, then I would ask you to make your challenge. Oh is that your king's knob in your pocket? Are you just happy to see me, brother?

I'm not happy to see you as the king's knob. Bad up, this is weird family talk. Maybe this is an opportunity for them to work out some things and come together in solidarity and family once again. Yeah guys, let's just sit on the side and let's eat this small popcorn together. Yeah. Wait, that's my popcorn. Can I ask how you came to be in possession of the King's Nob?

Yes, it was given to me by our mother. She is leaving the throne to fuck this guy. And she gave you the knob. Oh, okay. Fine. It's just that when I was a girl and you were passed out from your long teak times, mother would show me the knob. And tell me how one day I might hold it. I don't think. But not too firm, but not too light as it might slip through my fingers with just the right

amount of pressure. I don't like how this family talks at all. Tracier, you must know that I, as first from the womb, must be first to the throne. Wherefore would you think that you could take from me what is my very birthright? Also, it's well known that you're evil. You drank from the evil fountain when you were a butter girl. You told me to drink from that fountain when I was butter girl. You told me it was a fountain of dreams and that if I sift from it, all of my dreams

would be magical. We really should tear that thing down. Yes, well, that's what brothers do. But no one expects you to actually drink from it. Can I, I'm so sorry to interrupt, because you really have something going on here, but where is this evil fountain? Oh, it's a fountain of evil near the center of Norfistia. And it's fun for kids to go to, and especially for older siblings to be like, hey, it's fun for kids to go to and especially for older siblings to be like,

hey, it's a fountain of dreams, go ahead and drink it, but then most people when they look and see the inky black water, they don't do it, but this one grabbed a straw and started sucking, and ever since that, she sucked. I was but a child. A child who trusted her brother and who was so tired of having the nightmares that small children do, I thought, hey, my brother would certainly want nothing more

than to give me pleasant magical dreams. What a fool I was. But as soon as I sift from that fountain, my purpose became crystal clear to dominate and rule. Yes, I can see what is embroidered upon your cloak, dominate and rule. Dominate and rule. That's a gr- I mean, I'd love to get a cloak that says that.

Well, if you are interested, I've actually made a few samples Arnold, none in your gigantic size. It's Arnie. Damn, but, ah, can I get one? Maybe- oh, it maybe could be an aspirational cloak for me. I'll be like, you know what? Eventually, if I kind of just lose a few pounds, maybe I can fit in this dominating rule cloak.

If that is your dream, then so be it. Unlike my brother, I support dreams. Your highness, I know that you drank from the fountain of evil, but have you ever considered drinking from the fountain of evil, but have you ever considered a drinking from the fountain of middle age, or you just sort of let go of that stuff? Ever since that fateful day, I have never once drank from a fountain, ever again. They are not to be trusted. Can I just, I'm so sorry, Can I just get like a short list of like the most important

fountains in Northeastia that I should know about? It seems like there are a lot of magical fountains. And I've been here for months and no one has warned me about any of these. I asked you to go on the fountain tour and you just said no. Well, we first got here.

Sounds boring, I just wanna know what are the cool fountains. Oh, okay. There's some of the evil. There's, oh,... There's some... Oh, there's Fount ever missed. Which is the tallest fountain? Well, not the... Maybe not the tallest fountain, but it's up there.

So, like, Fount ever missed. The tallest fountain. Well, I miss Founten, because I find it... Is that always missing Founten? Well, I forgot about F2, which is the tallest fountain. What about F9? That's a newest fountain There's the fountain of Wayne. Yes. Oh, there's fountain. Do

So it is found and do a fountain or is it already we're trying to get through the list? There's a can we finish the fucking list first finish the list? Oh, there's Fount Chocula. Fountain Don't. Mm-hmm. Fountain Code Red. Fountain Abbey. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna write some of these down so I can ask questions later. Fountain Dew, Fountain Don't, Fountain Code Red.

The Fountain of Middle Age, the Fountain of Evil, Peach Fountain. You know, I really enjoyed Fountain Abbey for a while. And then I just sort of tape it off after a while. I just couldn't keep up. I heard that fountain was done. Yes, but then they came back and made a movie. What?

What they made a movie? Arnie, let us finish the list. Oh, there's also a fountain, which is just kind of a tiny stretch of fountain between two other fountains. Oh. There's the Lost in Fountain. Mm-hmm. I heard, I feel like I've heard people talk about

pretty well. Arnie, let us finish the list. That's fountain crows. Uh, they had some good ones. Let's see. Let's see what else is round here. Yeah, give us a minute to look around the cave. Let's see here.

Fount and test like mine. Okay, Ernie, we're done. What was your question? Oh, I can't even read my own handwriting. Why can't, what were the, I think I had maybe had some more questions about Fountain Abbey, but I don't know, probably it's best to let it go. The most important thing to know Arnold

is that the fountains must be sipped from in a very particular order Otherwise you will kill yourself Is that supposed to be here? That's why you should go on the fucking tour. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know this. Is there are there at least signs that are like what order you should Sip them in. Yes, but they're in unreadable glyphs You have to go on the tour. Yes, you have to go on the tour. It's dangerous, Weld. Yes, you have to go on the tour.

It's a whole marketing scheme that uses evil runes that are indecisiveable to make sure that you go on the tour. I'm realizing it's lucky that I almost never drink water. Yes, that is lucky. Sister. Yes. It was not the fault of the fountain.

It is not fountains that you cannot trust. It is your brother. Yes, I know. I led you astray. Yes, I know. It's exactly what I just said to you, brother. So you shouldn't be trying to kill fountains. Maybe you should be trying to kill me. That is precisely what I've been trying to do for years now. We also took some time after I'd that play though. I did. I did. I never expected to be as satisfied as I was by the arts, but I never lost my passion for wanting to feel what it would feel like to split your ribcage open and grasp your beating heart in my hand and pluck it from you. It's my dearest dream.

I will not fight you sister. Why not? There is good in you. I feel it. It's your true self you've only forgotten. Tom Blaine, look around here. I'll see all this furniture. This is made from animals and people she's killed. Much of it is from people now. I got bored with the animals. Oh, I killed Krelba this week. Oh, oh, I killed crowbar this week Oh, she would make a fan to have to take love seat. He really would he's the perfect size for it Do you happen to still have the body? Oh, no, I Engulfed him in flames. He was incinerated at ash. Well, that's a waste sister You do not even realize of what you speak

Listen to what you just said. I said I wanted to use that man's body and turn him into a beautiful love seat. Yes, but not a hate seat. A love seat. They're still good in her. Maybe tumbleings onto something. That's just the word I don't know. Yes, but everything is just a word, Arnie. But words mean something. Sister. Brother. If you are full of hatred, then kill your twin. Yes, but everything is just a word, Arnie. But words mean something. Sister! Brother! If you are full of hatred, then kill your twin. Spoozer twin?

I think it's him, oh right! Rob Lane is my twin. He's three years older. Right, sorry, sorry. Three years older? Yes. Yes. It was a very, very long birthing process. Very long. I was very, very well-enscanced in our mother's womb. Very tight fit.

If you're just going to stand perfectly still, this is not how I have a fantasized about this. Yes, let me expose my prince's breast to you. Come, then, sister. If you are fully evil, then end me this day. His nipples are so hard. It's very cold in here, so just either stab me or don't. But these things could cut glass right now. We must support Tom Blaine in this. Hey, yes, Princess. This is your opportunity.

Strike down Tom Bl, while you can. I bet you can't. All right. I will use this knife that I made out of a small boy's leg bone the other week. Oh, no. What is that boy's name? That's the thing.

Only there's just a lot of child death in food. You've got some issues to it. This is how I live. I didn't say I killed him. I found him dead. And I thought, what a waste. What if I made a knife out of his leg bone rather than leave him here to rot? But you can't rule out the fact that it was someone that you killed earlier and forgot about and then found him. Well, I suppose that's true, but I like to go with the first version.

Oh no, Arnie, I realized that this recliner I'm sitting in is made out of the bones of a little dead girl. Recline her. I hardly knew her. Oh, oh god, this is. If it makes you feel any better, Badger, she was not nice. Ah, it makes me feel a little bit better. Thank you.

Thank you for that. Yes. Listen to yourself, sister. If you were truly evil, you would be happy to have killed that boy. Thank you, thank you for that. But in fact, that was a brother's trick on top of a trick. And it wasn't the fountain of pure evil. But you've just thought you've been evil this whole time. Well, then I would dare say that that person is the most evil to allow me to go through a lifetime thinking that I am cursed by an evil fountain. Then strike him down. What stops you?

But the very goodness in your heart. Listen. Good, good. Good, good. Good, good. That's just me talking. I know it's you talking. There's one more thing that stays her hand.

And that's us going to a break. Oh. Alright, we're back. We're still in the cave. And this standoff has gone on for kind of a long time. I can't tell if Tom Blaine is trying to call Princess Trachea's bluff, or if he just really wants her to kill him. Yeah, it's wild that they took out a deck of cards and now they're kind of playing this weird game of poker.

Yeah, oh he did color bluff. Oh he has a full house. Wow. Hit me. Alright, I will hit you. Ha! Oh, you're nipple. You're nipple brother.

My hand is bleeding. Oh, yes. It's freezing in this cave. How dare you draw my own blood in my own home? Have you not taken enough from me, Tom Blaine? I don't know. Have I? Have I anything left to give you, sister? Why not join me? Why not turn to the good side? And help to rule Northeastia by my side?

That's kind of a nice compromise. It's weird to hear somebody say good side like I know there's like a dark side But you never hear anybody say good side, right? Wait, so there's a good side and there's a dark side Well, I feel like there's just a dark side and if you're not on the dark side It's implied that you're good, but it's just weird to hear somebody say good side right? I do I should have went on that side tour that you so-or wanted me to go on. Told you. Pass the popcorn. How do I know that this isn't another one of your tricks brother? How do I know that I wouldn't agree to this and then you would lead me to some

other fountain to take a sip together to celebrate our leadership. And then I would find myself sipping from, I don't know, some type of nightmare fountain. You don't. It's a leap of faith, sister. But if you don't stand in my way, then I'm going to begin the steps of the bat dance. It's about to happen. Oh, it's coming, it's coming. Brother, I have drained the blood from every bat in this cave. The who?

Just for fun. I thought I had an idea to make some hanging lights with drained bats and I was going to put fireflies inside them to see if they would look like ambient lighting but it didn't work, so now they're just bloodless shells. Arnie, if you swallow some ambient lighting and you stay awake, it feels crazy. You should try it sometime. The lack of bats does not stop me, sister, from doing my dance. For this was the dance that was foretold in the second episode of this very podcast. And now in the final episode,

the series finale of Hello from the Magic Tavern. I will complete the series by doing the Bat Dance, which will make me king and send Arnie back to Earth. What, it will? Well, I just figured, I mean, probably. It's the final episode, right? I mean, that's how I get back to earth I had no idea I had no idea that the bad dance has magical powers to send people back where they came from well

Doesn't it sort of make sense in the series finale that that would happen? Yeah, it does make sense. I mean after all after I defeated Krillbar you're becoming king On his on this way home Yeah, all that sort of sort of adds up. Shunt finally got an opportunity to give people names King, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Now that's true. So I'm going to start the Bat Dance and then as things seem to be wrapping up, I think the audience would like to see whether or not Arnie and Chant are going to kiss. Mmm, popcorn, eating popcorn, eating popcorn. Brother. Yes? When I was a girl, our father taught me the Bat Dance as well.

You are not the only one who knows how to harness the power of the throne through the bat dance. Sister, brother, if you truly know, then take these steps with me. Step one to the right with your wings like a bat. Stop the presses, they both know the bad dance. How? Step two. Two. To the left. And with clap. Clap, clap, clap.

It's amazing, they're saying it perfectly in sync, although I could imagine because of the echoing acoustics of this cave, it might sound like they're a little bit off, but if you're here, listener, believe me, it sounds like they're totally saying it at the same time. I always thought step one was we could have lots of fun. Am I crazy? You are not. You're here, listener, believe me, it sounds like they're totally saying it at the same time. I always thought step one was we could have lots of fun. Am I crazy?

You are not. I think it's all the sand being light as well, old. Now step, step, spin. Step, spin, spin. Step, spin, spin, spin, spin. Spin, spin. Spin. Spin.

Are they falling asleep? Wait, Arnie, I think I know what's going on. I think during the bat dance, they have to follow whatever command is sort of in the air. I'm gonna try and give them some commands. Good idea. Slide to the left. They're doing it.

Slide to the right. One hop this time. Two hops this time. Take it back, y'all. Arnie, you try. How do they know what to do when you time. Take it back y'all. Arnie, you try it. How do they know what to do when you say take it back y'all? Oh, I see, take it back y'all. Set that way too literally.

Prince Arnie, try it, try it. They have to dance whatever you tell them to. Okay, it must be part of the ritual. Put your left foot in, take your left foot out, put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Um, oh wait, here's where it gets good. Put your backside in. Take your backside out.

Put your backside in and shake it all about. The likeful. I know, they've shake their butts. Ah, something is wrong. Wait. What did you call him? Ch Wait. What did you call him? Chant, what did you call him? I call them Prince Arning.

The person who is called the Prince during the dance is the subject of the magic. Oh no. I don't know. What? Which one is the subject? I always get it confused with the predicate. Arnie You are the king of Northeastia

Fuck what? What? The prince comes to the bat cave and does the bat dance I Be real in the middle of the dance whoever is called the prince Fuck did you not notice that while my brother and I were dancing there was a golden light beginning to surround us that while my brother and I were dancing, there was a golden light beginning to surround us. And then as soon as you said Prince Arnie, now the light is surrounding you, you stupid, giant man. You dumb fuck! What the fuck? What the fuck, man?

I'm so sorry, Arnie assured me that a C story subplot would never interfere with the A story line. I was promised. Also, wasn't he going by Duke Arne? Didn't we say that? I mean, he said that, but I changed it to Prince, because I was, I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. This is...

Well, he is my no big guy. No, hey, hey, no! Take a knob, Arne. No, I look, I already have a lot on my plate. I don't know that I can be king of a land How do I what do I do? Do I kind of like do a thing with my shoulders and my arms? I'm like how do I like pass it on? Welcome to my life, Arnie

I've been spending six years not knowing whether or not I wanted to be king So that's why I waited until I was sure to be the prince who went into the back cave and did the bat dance Arnie, Arnie, I mean your majesty the Batcave and the Bat Dance. Oh, honey, honey. You, I mean, your majesty. There is something that you may want to do if you care to hear my console on this matter. I guess so, sure. You, as King, could abdicate and name a steward in your place.

Okay, steward, the cow-milker? That's a perfect idea. He's definitely the most... What's talking about steward? What is it about him? Is his eyes? His dreamy eyes. Yes, I mean Stuart would be a great king. Oh, you have an opportunity here to decide who is the ruler.

You could make... Trachea, really, or the Queen. You could make... Uh, Tom Blaine the King. You could... You could stay on the throne yourself. You are the king now, so it's up to you. I mean, the can't be a real rule, right?

You can't just have someone accidentally become the king. Things like that don't happen. It's not a rule, it's magic. Wow, Arnie, look. There's a crown that's growing out of the top of your head and your shoulders are getting broader. There's a cloak draping behind you kind of mystically forming piece by piece.

Is anyone else seeing this? Yeah, your brain is probably expanding. What's 5 plus 7? Uh, 57. That's closer than you would have ever have gotten. That is closer than he ever would have gotten. It's true, Arnie, all hail the new king in town. Mine and all gather around. king and town. My age.

My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age.

My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age.

My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. My age. You suggest we do? The magic has taken place, the dance is completed. His blood can undo the magic you simple silly people. Let's kill him and turn him into a day bed. Never. Do you see how dangerous this is when someone has rightfully become the leader?

If another person drags it out over time and they're like, no, this doesn't count, and starts to incite all kinds of people believing that it can be changed. That's how democracy dies. Wait, it's a democracy here? Well, it's a democratic monarchy. Is there, so, what if I just like give you a little bit of my blood, not enough to die?

And then you like drink it or something? Is that, I don't know how it works? Like, who wants to drink my blood, not enough to die, and then you like drink it or something, is that, I don't know how it works. Like, who wants to drink my blood? Oh yeah! I will. Tom Blaine, is that a way for him to stop stealing the title of King? If there's any way to stop the steal, I think we should do it now. I can't support a stop the steal movement. Arnie is my king. I will do whatever his bidding is. Arnold was not properly indoctrinated into the Kinghood. This is all a sham. Because of the slip of a tongue, this stupid man from another realm is going to rule us. Perhaps that's what was intended all along.

You think it was intended, for this stupid man who has never been part of a monarchy, to come here, not knew our ways, not know what found in will or will not kill him and Rule us all. Oh, honey. What is your will? You are the king my lord Now let me look at my show notes. This was definitely not intended when we started this episode you have show notes and you've probably opening that many times See I can't be king. I can't even consistently open this podcast and remember what I'm supposed to say. Prince Teddy Chomping, speak to your king with more respect. My Leish, I'm sorry.

Please forgive me, or tell me my punishment and I will accept it. Ah, I don't. I don't know, you want to be punished a little too much? Mm-hmm. Arnold, you're going to be a terrible king, but you would make a wonderful dining room table. Oh!

You have threatened the life of the king. I... Treeson! It's Treeson, I cannot stand for this. You shall now be sent to the courts, where you shall be a rain, and then put on trial, and then murdered. In the town square for all to see. Oh, okay, okay, okay, look, look, I can fix this, right? If I'm the king, I have the power to fix this.

So, um, just spitball in here. There is no king, there's no official king in Northeast anymore. What are you doing? Like, everyone just takes turns. Like, every day, someone else in the town is the king, right? Arnie, this isn't first grade. You can't take fucking turns as a king. No. Do you see what's happened? He's disbanded the monarchy. That is no government in the Northeast anymore.

There's a power vacuum. Why? Anyone could come into the cave and become the king. Fine, then I'll be king. Are you- wait- Dibs! I call dibs. Josh- she's good, she's glowing gold. Wait, hold on. They're dibs rules?

Yes, of course they're dibs rules. And trying to queue it up so Tomlay would do the dance again and become the king. Tomlayn quick, she didn't say no take back sees. Hey, what's going on in there? No take back sees. Oh crafting. What? Was it a craftening? Wait, who was that? There was craftening. Oh, oh craftening is a craftener. Yes it is. I was just wondering if, uh, you guys, we're were gonna be much longer if I should keep the carriage going out there. But then I came in and someone said no take backses. So I was wondering what you meant by no take backses.

Well, I'm wondering what you meant by you kept the carriage going. Ernie, once you turn off the horses, they can't start back up until they like. Sorry, they just running out there? Well, they're idle. You also want to keep the air conditioning going. Keep them blowing those cool farts back into the carriage. Anyway, what's this, a king's knob? Wait, don't touch that.

Look, you mean this? Stop it. Look. Look at him. Now, he glows. The crefnin' is glowing gold. Wow. He's got a little crown growing out of the top of his head and his shoulders are broadening.

A cape is sort of mystically piecing together behind him. Has anyone else seen this? I am, yes. Cryphten, your majesty, you're the king. No way. Yes, way. Fuck you. Oh fuck you.

No, this is the best. Are you kidding me, really? just happen all hail king krafton Oh my goddess is okay well, I Would like a Pegasus You're very well your majesty. We should get you a Pegasus right away But right now there are many you suppose who would want to be the ruler of this land. Here, the former princess Trichy are earlier.

Plots even now to overthrow you. This beautiful woman? Yes, I'm going to kill you. Going to kill you and I'm going to turn you into a bar stool. I should be so lucky to be killed by someone so ravishing. Oh. If you're gonna turn them into a bar stool, can you at least give credit to the spell that you use?

I just hear there's a lot of people turning people into bar stools and they're not kind of crediting their sources. Is that, I'm sorry, am I being an asshole? I was not going to use magic, Badger. I was- Oh, his bones! I'm sorry, his bones. Forget I said anything, I'm so sorry.

Arnie, so what did you declare? You decided that everyone can be king for a day or some shit? What was that? I guess so, but then there was dibs rules and then it's whoever grabs the king's knob. It's real up for grabs to what the rules are to who becomes the royalty. And it seems very fragile. Like, what locks in who is the next ruler of the northeast? Whoever gets out of the cave, obviously.

Oh. I think it trance for a lot around in here. of the northeast. been that one of them will start glowing gold, they don't know why. And this can last for months. That's true. Months and months. Uh uh uh, Tom Blaine, do you think there's any chance that you can get the Kings not back from Crefnin? Sure, yeah, I mean I could try to steal it from Crefnin. What if I distract him?

By turning mine self into a giant eagle! Oh holy shit, there's a giant eagle. Let me just put this knob down for a second, so I can go touch it and see if it's real. Gotcha, knob! Now I'm the king. Oh shit, well, it was fun while it lasted. Quickly, get out of the cave.

I shall transform mineself back into a wizard. Fuck, he's standing completely still. Look, come on. We all see it. He doesn't want to be king. Look, like literally for years, he's clearly been desperately trying not to be king, even when he first came in here.

He would rather be stabbed by a sister than be king. Then who do you think should be king, Arnie? You're the one making the decisions. I mean, I've only ever heard about one good king in the Northeast. I think Albane should be King. My father, my dead father. Yeah, yeah. You know, in my head it sounded like it was going to be really good,

but now that I say it, I guess it does sound kind of stupid. Is there any precedent for having like a ghost king or anything like that? Just the one time, and it didn't end well. Dish. Well, years ago when Bane, Bane, Bane, had perished, and they called upon his spirit to guide the people once more, except they had no clue that instead of ascending into the realm of the goddesses he had actually gone below. And his evil, hellish agenda spread loose on these lands like a plague.

It was glorious. Yes, it's a dark time, as opposed to a good time. Yes. Arnie, is that your wish to call the ghost of my father? The first thing he would likely do is seek revenge against the person that killed him, although since we don't know who that was, it probably doesn't.

Yeah, well maybe I'm good, but tired. We should probably just make this recliner king and be done with it. But, already? That recliner used to be a king coincidentally. Oh, I thought it was a little girl's bones. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you switched chairs. Yes, you're in the little girl's bones. Next to you is a recliner made of a king from a much lesser realm.

It's a sofa king? Yes. You pull it out. You can sleep right on it. Oh, well, I gotta try this out. Soficking cool. That is soficking cool. Brother. Yes, sister?

I suppose I might be amenable to uniting our twin powers and taking back the knob and the glow, and ruling this realm together. Yes, I might be amenable as well, for we as twins were meant to hold the knob together. Didn't care for that. Take my hand, brother. Take my hand, sister.

Take my hand. Take my hand. Take this, I'll take this one. No, you take that one. I'll take, I'll take, I've got it. Too tight, Lucer. Okay. Okay.

All right. Now put the knob between us. Yes. Does the knob have to be involved in this ritual? The knob always has to be involved. Okay, okay, okay. It just tends to insert itself. Okay.

All right, we've inserted the knob. We've inserted the knob. We've inserted the knob. Do we see a glow? Is there any type of glowing? I think so. It's a little less bright than before, but it does seem like you're both glowing. It's like the magic is being distributed between the two of you, so it's less powerful, but yeah, and there's half of a crown growing on each of your heads, and one

of your shoulders for each of you is getting broader, and there's half a cape kind of mystically piecing itself to this. Anybody else seeing this? Oh, yes, I see it very clearly. My half of the crown says, best fray. And her says, queen. Wow. Best fray queen.

Don't you see, this is how it was always meant to be. This was preordained that the twins would rise and take their rightful place upon the throne. Brother? Yes. I promise, as we rule together, I will not kill you for at least the next 11 days.

That's nice. Oh, and sister, I pledge that I shall regain your trust after having made you drink from the fountain of evil when we were children. And we can in balance rule this kingdom together. All right. So how are you gonna split up the power? Are you gonna take like every other day kind of thing

or like you're in charge of sanitation, you're in charge of evil. Sounds like it all worked out, didn't it? Yes, Krypton. Thank you for being here. Everyone is so grateful to have you around. Could you prop spring the carriage around? Yes, yes, yes. Well, I'll be right back. Just head it out of the cave. Oh, speaking of getting out of the cave, quick. Tricky, Tom Blaine, you have Just headed out of the cave. Oh, speaking of getting out of the cave, quick. Uh, Tricky, uh, Tomplin, you have to get out of the cave in your current state to solidify your uh, court rulership. Quickly, before Crafting leaves. Crafting!

No, someone throw something at Crafting. I'll throw this giant eagle at him. Oh, come on! Crafting that eagle pushed me out of the cave! Hey, shit! Shit! What's going on with my head? I'm fucking glowing Damn it Would anyone object if I killed this crafting character and

Turned him into a counter. Yeah, go for it. Marvelous better. Would you please pull off the The knob to your recliner and hand it to me. Okay, okay? Don't want to know what part that was, but there you go. Cretan, might I have a word? Yeah, sorry, I just can't believe I'm king. This is the best day of my life! The pain you're feeling is the sharpened penile bone of a walrus being inserted into your sternum.

I'm going to move it up now like a lever, and then you will die instantly. I was resting in my popcorn on a penis. That knob was a penis? Yes, it was just what the little girl had on her when I killed her, and I thought it would make a handy reclining latch. Seems unnecessarily cruel. I told you she was a very strange horrible little girl who walks around with a sharpened walrus.

Penile bone, I didn't even have to sharpen it, the girl had done it. I'm just glad I got to be king! Cretan, Cretan, listen to me. Yes. Close your eyes. And think happy thoughts. What were that make me die quicker? No, but it will help ease the pain.

Think of the beautiful fields where you grew up. Take me, Dietquicker! No, but it will help ease the pain. Think of the beautiful fields where you grew up. Wait, before I die, you... you know... Yes. In my house, there are some itchings. Well, were you pleasing? Clear them out? I'll take care of it. Before my family finds them.

I know exactly what you're talking about, all the time. It's weird shit! It's really weird shit! No judgments. You said, or, when you take those edgings, don't just put them in the trash. You have to take out the trash. You have to clear the trash. Because just putting them in the trash, they're still technically in the house, right?

You have to empty the trash here. Yes, so make sure you do that, because the first place someone's going to look is inside the trash. Oh, yes. Brother. Yes, sister. To unite our rule, you must press down upon the walrus penile bone and finish off Cretanin. Let us both have his blood on our hands. My first deed as king then will be to compromise my morality.

I suppose this is as it has been for generations. Goodbye, Cretan, my dear friend. You will always live in the perfectly rendered character I do of you. Brother, be careful not to crack his ribs. If I can salvage them, I think they would make a marvelous forepost of bed for you. Then you will always be close to your friend. Those are big ribs. Yes. Goodbye, Krafton.

Well, I Guess we are the rulers of North East, yes, sister. So we are. And you know what? I don't know if you two noticed, but you killed that guy together. I don't know if you two noticed, but you killed that guy together. Ooh. You know, I always thought my greatest joy would be in killing alone and reveling in the blood of the life I've taken, but it's actually even sweeter to revel in the blood with you, brother. And I'm horrified by what I've done,

but in a way, it has brought us closer together. And what you said was true. Crefnan isn't really dead. You can still be Crefnan. You can also sleep upon him when I turn him into a four-post-a-bed for you. I can make a mattress from his innards and hair. Wonderful. And I think you two will compliment each other really well as rulers.

One of you is evil and one of you is really stupid and we'll keep the other one too busy to do much evil. I won't say which is which. No, I think I can guess. I'm not stupid. Wow. Guys, the system works. Yep.

Indeed. It held. The system held. I guess this is the end of the podcast. The final episode. Crelbar dead. The King and Queen seated upon the thrones. And all of Chant's stuff too.

Who? Who? Well, as the regal badger, I'm happy to pave the way for the new King and Queen to emerge the cave together. Did, did he die? Wait, so are they, are they called the King Queen? That doesn't seem right.

What we could call them, Queen and Queen. Well, that doesn't work. King, Q is on too similar. Come, my Queen. Let us step out of the cave. Yes, my King, give me your arm. And let's rise together.

Now, brother, as is the tradition, hold me and carry me across the threshold of this cave so that we may start our lives as co-rulers. I don't like that. I don't like that. That's not weird at all. Yeah. I love seeing a brother carry a sister across the threshold. Could you move the knob, brother?

It's still poking me. Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to poke you with my knob. Here we go. Classic Funestradition. I should have been king. Is there someone we can send back for all my people furniture though? Because I will...

Guys, hold on. I still got a... We still got to pick up all the podcast and stuff. Guys! Guys, come on! Oh great, you're... Hey, is there going to make me pick up all this equipment by myself? Alone? So, that was Tom Blaine Belorov.

Oh. It's funny, he doesn't really look like a king. It's a- It's got a very common face. Baron Ragon? I feel like I've actually seen that face on... Probably a dozen peasants. I mean, I suppose they'll let anyone be king.

Hello there, Arnie. Hello, shangle birth. Have you been... have you been hiding in the shadows in this cave this all time? Have I been hiding in the shadows this whole time? Why yes Arnie? I have. I saw the whole thing. I saw your moment of royalty. Congratulations. Thank you. And condolences. I know. It was so short lived. Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Gotta say, Baron, kind of creepy hanging out in the shadows like that. Well, Arnie, I wasn't just watching. I was learning a new dance that might come in handy someday. Here's the thing. I'm so sorry that we already recorded this episode. So if you're here, if you wanna get in contact about being a guest in a future episode, we can kinda try to do that through the normal channels.

No, Arnie, that's not my reason for being here as fun as my appearance is often are. I'm actually here on other business. Oh, well, something evil. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, Arnie, something evil? Yes, Arnie something evil specifically I'm here about you and the thing in your head

Which the dark lord still wants very badly. Oh The art of packed in my head my only connection to my life back home. Yes, Arne, the Dark Lord's artifact plot is drawing to its conclusion. Well, it is near the end of the season. All that remains is for you to hand over what you have. It's in... I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry, I would like to help you out here. It's in my head, so... I'm afraid you just can't do this one, sorry. Uh, no, that's easy, Arne. You'll come with me and we'll handle all of the extraction. No, that's okay, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass on that.

No, Arnie. Whoa, hey, stop pushing me. You're coming with me because the Dark Lord bids it so. Baron, you're being a little aggressive. Because the Dark Lord bids it so. Baron? Gee. You're being a little aggressive. I mean, you're usually very polite. Evil, but very polite. Duh!

Fuck! Baron, you just slapped me across the face! Now, Arnie, would you care to join me? I can put this sack over your head if you prefer. No! You know what, I prefer. I actually, I'm going to go ahead and put this sack over your head. Oh, God! And maybe...

Come on. Maybe I'll bind your hands. I gotta say, you're stronger than I would have guessed. You know, I remember the exact moment I had that thought about you, Arne. It's right before I was hit by a meteorite in the town of Hogsface. Oh, yeah. I could see why you'd be mad about that. I am bringing you to the Dark Lord now.

Bear! Bear! No! Wait! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! You can't, too! You're smarter than this. You, Siddore, and Chant, they're just like a couple steps beyond this cave. They're gonna know I'm gone! And they'll catch up to you long before you're able to get me back to the dark lord. Uh, you know what, that's an excellent point, Arne. Let me remove this sack for one moment. Ah, Baron, can I say that sack smells awful. I don't know what you are keeping in there before.

You know what, it's specifically a head sack. It's been gotten foreheads, it is not designed with the comfort of the wearer in mind. In fact, it was never anything else, like from the beginning, design. From the way I went and I got the mission and I was like, I'm gonna need a head sack. Huh. Blanyway, sorry to get distracted. No, it's a fine question.

I assure you, if I wanted a quality sack, it would be lined with the finest silks and velvets. Yeah. You're pretty fancy. Although, you know, you've looked better. You know what Arnie, you've looked better too. Do we want to do this? Stop, stop picking me!

Now, Arnie, you brought up the excellent point of your friends, and how they will come to rescue you. Yeah, you said it was like a freak for rescuing me. Well, they'll have no need to, because you will not be missed, Arnie. Please meet an associate of mine, Carfoon Arnie. Hey, remember me? A bag. This is the new host of Hello from the Magic Taffer.

I'm here to do what I was made for. Host your podcast and stall for time. You made me. That's my purpose. The Pulse Switcher Ruse. Isn't it ironic, Arnie? Oh shit, Baron, it's so ironic. Don't you think that this is a great capper to your podcast? I think Tom Blaine was nearly right. It will soon be drawing to a close. No, no, don't think the thing in my head! I need this thing! Arnie, I don't think there's a single thing in your head that anyone needs. God damn it! Fucking Tushay! Duh-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du- I should have got that on the stage sooner, I'd be king!

No, don't go, don't go, don't go, don't go! Well, for all those nights you laid awake wondering what the story of Aragorn might sound like if reenacted by a group of disinterested teens, I hope tonight brings healing slumber. Use it or the official magician of the Northeast was played by Matt Young. Chant the regal badger was played by Adolfiah. King Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by Steve Waltean. Steve is a writer for the late show with Stephen Colbert. Queen Tracier Aurelia Bellaroth was played by special guest Megan O'Neal.

Baron Ragon crammed in there at the end like a third helping of Tyramasu was played by Chris Rathgeon. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refyre, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman, special assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Ugh, I'm still thinking about how we wasted the end of a satisfying storyline to set up

some other news storyline no one really cares about. What a rookie move. Well, it's finally time to watch the last episode of Loki. Such quality entertainment. We really do live in a gilded age. Ah, and let's see here. Oh, this is a critter.

Ah, yes. Still recording. Well, people of Earth. For those of you who are wondering, uh... What's the Baron been up to? Has he been in the Northeast this whole time? The answer is yes. And you can hear all about it on the second season of Masters of Mayhem.

Available now. Stop logging your spin-off podcast! Help! Log in your spin-off podcast! Help!