Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 99 - Magic Mirror (w/ Niccole Thurman)

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

A Magic Mirror wants to start living her own life. Also, an imposter pretends to be Arnie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMira Mirror: Niccole ThurmanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. You know what is real? The Italy Leadership Conference next week, where I'm either going to be promoted or somehow bring down this entire establishment. Either way, it'll set me up perfectly for a TED Talk, and I've got the ideal closing photo of a baby crawling through the bars of Alliance Den, and I'm going to throw that on screen in Whisper, because we're all still learning, and then literally bathe in applause. But listen to me, saying interesting things when we know that's not what you signed up for,

sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About four years and four weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King and took a buddy. What was the time frame in that? Four years and four weeks ago, is that? Yeah, sure, you're doing great. Keep going. Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, you know me, I'm bad with numbers. Anyway, some amount of time ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I use that to upload a podcast

here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the Town of Hogsface. Right, right. What? I'll tell you not to in the Vermilion Minotaur. That was destroyed at the end of season two, where I spoke a secret name that sent out a hellfire rain. Yeah, buddy, we stopped in the immortal roach.

It's a bit of a dive bar. Do you have those on Earth? Oh, yeah. All kinds of dive bars on Earth. Barlui... um... So just one. It's nice because you don't see a lot of dive bars and food, and it's nice because they just have that nice big pool in the middle. There's... you can literally dive into a pool here? Yeah, you get too hot, you go for a dive.

Why also do we call the dive bar? I thought it just meant that it's kind of shitty. Oh no, then I call it a shitty bar. Oh, okay. Although a lot of customers here do wear shit kickers. What are those? Boots that you kick shit with Arnie, what is wrong with you today? I don't know, I'm sorry, I've just been working so hard, you know, why?

Sometimes I mess up the opening part of the show, but anyway, we can run past that, everything is good, nothing to worry about. I am joined, as always, by my co-hosts and collaborators, Yousseador the Wizard. I am Yousseador, Wizard of the Twelfth Room of a Fisius Master of Light and collaborators, Yusodor the Wizard. I am Yusodor, Wizard of the Twelfth Room of a fesious Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great holes of Turokis, the elves Nomiya Svienyak, the dwarves Nomiya's Zonin and Hukestengi's, a lulestor, known in the northeast as the official magician, and gas-wainius maistar, and there may be other

secret names. I do not know yet for if I had, did I choose to speak one of these names aloud. Most assuredly, your very nostrils would grow so large that an entire apple would fit in there. You said, what tense is spake? Is that, um, future tense? It's, uh, ex-expectant past tense. Expectant past tense, okay?

Yes, writing this down. Yes, if I spoke, it's regular past tense, but if I spake, it's expectant past tense. So if I am going to travel, it's called trick. No, it's called Trivake. Wait, hold on. Well, if you traveled, that's past tense. Yes.

But if you triv- Oh! Expectant past tense. How do you be expecting something in the past? Exactly, Arnie. You've cracked the very code. For, if your mind is allowed to wander in such a strange area, where two opposing forces are so clearly against one another,

expecting something in the past, why most assuredly, solving this riddle will solve the riddle of the meaning of life. Okay, anyway, my other co-host, Chant, hey, Chant, what is this guy? Am I right? What did I do? So weird, I'm usually introduced first. of life. Oh you know, we just put Queen Tricky Arier earlier and King Tom Blaine on the throne. Now they rule together as twin regions, which is wonderful that they've resolved their issues. And of course, let's see what else.

Oh, and we've been, we went through that magical forest that this bar is actually resting in, right? The immortal roaches in this magical forest because Arnie, David Allen McKenzie, opened up several portals around Foon, and we're looking for the scattered. That's the name I gave to him. The scattered. We must find these evil miscreants before too long. So we're going through the woods looking for scat,

is what you're saying? Well, that's a way to, um... A chunt, can I just say? I was worried about Arnie, but that seems right back and forth. Yeah, buddy. Dead on. Nailed it. Chunt, what was over this guy's here? You're pointing at forth. Yeah, buddy. Dead on. Nailed it. Chant, what was over this guy's here? You're pointing at me.

Oh, wait. Yo, you're chant. Huh? Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. Never mind. Oh, been so busy. So tired. No, well, uh, of course.

Uh, as we are traveling through this magical forest, I must share a secret with you. Arnie, did you book a guest this week for the show? Was that my job? Yeah, usually you book the guest, but I have a guest for you if you don't have one. It's not a problem. So what would have happened if I did have one? Well, if you, and you're correct me if I'm wrong,

if you would have booked a gouse, that would have been a, what's the future, expectant past tense. Expectant future tense would be if you So wait in that tense would that mean I booked a guess for seven episodes ago? Exactly you would have booked a guest in the future to appear seven episodes ago So we would have to form a time-rift and bring that guest back in time Tenet what what?

Well anyway, I was traveling through the mystical forest. When I did stumble upon something that I saw hanging in a tree, a glint of light in the distance. Oh, how I did choose to approach this light. And before I knew it, what I was not seen was not a light at all, but there are a flexion of light. Oh good, I thought this is gonna turn religious. Whew. Thank God I said, I thought my friends were freaking out. It's gotta seem inevitable with this guy, right, Chin? I mean, come on.

I saw a reflection of light, and I looked up to the skies, and I thought, have I heard the good word yet? Must I pray and think of the goddesses? No, but then I turned back to the mirror and the mirror it Speak to me Hmm as long as you don't have a pamphlet for me. I'm good buddy. Thank you for looking at so I found this magic mirror in the forest And I think the magic mirror would make a wonderful guest What do you say on here? Wow?

Wow, where is it is it under that that under that? Oh right here. Hello. Hi Hello three gentlemen nice to see you. Nice to see you. I'm Mira Mira Mira Wow M-I-R-A Mira. Oh, yeah, you said you said I think you messed up. You said you booked a magic mirror, but clearly you booked a very handsome badger. Oh, no. I'm looking at you. That's what happens when I look at you. You see yourself reflected in me. I wish you could see my personality, but instead you see yourself reflected in me because

I'm a mirror. You understand? Oh, yeah. That's how they work. Okay. Yes, thank you. I'm so sorry. And tell us about yourself so that we can get to know who you really are since we all see ourselves in.

Well, first of all, no one's really asked me that before, so thank you. Well, I'm kind of discovering who I am. I'm on a journey. It am. I'm on a journey. It's my first time on my own. For years, my whole entire life, actually. I've been working for the Queen. You may have heard of her. She's very evil, quite mean, but also very pretty.

I've got to be honest. So I've been working for her. And just every day, kind of telling her, like, you're the fairest, you're the perfect person, like you're the best person in the world and everybody loves you and nobody's more beautiful. And after a while, I felt like I was just lying. Number one. Did you say in that tone, because I could tell you were being sarcastic? Oh, you could tell.

That might be why she got so angry with me. It started at all one day when I said to her, oh yeah, all the fairies. And she was like, what was that? And I was like, I don't, I thought that, I was just telling you, you look lovely today. Your hair looks nice. I mean, it looks quite the same every day.

But yeah, she did get a little mad. And she told me it sounded fourth, and I was like, okay, whatever, but I'm getting a little tired of this job. So I quit. Oh, that's good. And now you're setting off on your own. Yes, and that's when you stumbled upon me when I was on my journey to find myself in the middle of the forest.

Can I just say that so? One congratulations for quitting. I know that's so hard to do sometimes, especially with an evil, powerful witch who's very pretty. Pretty people get away with whatever they want. They really do. And two, I think it's so nice that you're, you know, carving out some time to reflect. Did you get some time to reflect? I don't know if you're trying to do a play with words when you talk to me like that, but it's really good. It's really good. I'm impressed. Yes, I did take a little time to reflect. I looked at my friend who's also a mirror,

and I said, oh, that's me, looking at you, looking at me, and he was like, what are you doing? Just get out of here, just run. The queen is mad. So wait, I'm sorry, a point of clarification. No. This evil queen, she had multiple magic mirrors. Oh, she has lots of magic mirrors.

I'm her favorite, of course, because I mean, well, look at me, I'm quite on eight, you know. So, yeah. Beautiful mirror. Thank you. Wow, this feels lovely. I do understand now why she wanted me to tell her every day how beautiful she was.

Because when you tell me that, I feel great. And I'm so sorry, should we call you mirror, mirror or Nate? Oh, no, no, it's um, mirror, M-I-R-A. Mirror, mirror is my last name. Mirror is my first. Or Nate is what I am, you know? I see. I'm golden, beautiful, and ornate.

No, you're quite funny with your words. So there's so many different kings and queens and foun. I'm wondering if we've met this evil queen before do you know her name? You know I don't because what I usually do is just tell her hi pretty and she says she says hello and so it's like hello you because I don't think she needs me to know her name. It's probably like Isador, Elsinore, something evil sounding, but you know, pretty old timey a little bit. Oh, can I just say I did that with Arnie for the first few months. I knew him. I was like, hey, big guy, hey buddy, champ, do you want to drink?

Oh, yes. It's always such a strange feeling. You're like, do I need to know your name? Do I need to call you by a certain thing? Or can I just say anything at you in your respond? And usually that works. Yeah, I try and do a thing where after a few months of me doing that, I finally roped in Yusidor and I was like, Hey, big guy, this is my friend Yusidor.

And then I shut up and I wait for him to say his name. Isn't that the best? It's a little trick you can play. You can play it on party, you just say, oh, my friend, you said all, wants to meet you. And then they say, what's your name again? And then you get to know it. Or I'll get drunk. And I'll say, on three, let's scream our own names.

One, two, three. And then I pretend like I forgot to scream mine. And I just listen for theirs. Oh, I love that. That's smart. I kind of never learn anybody's name. I find it's kind of enough to just kind of like point at them and go, you, and if you seem excited enough, it always seems to work.

People just want recognition. That's very normal. Actually, Ahni didn't fall for a chance trick. So I had to cast a spell where Ahni would tell me the truth. And I asked him his name while he was under this spell. And then I cast another spell that sent his name back through time. So if you actually listen to the early episode of the show, it sounds like we knew his name the whole time.

Oh, so you speak his name? Is that what you did? You spake it into the past, the expectant past. Is that what you were saying before? Yes, exactly. That was an expectant imperfect future. Oh. Yes, exactly. That's that was an expected imperfect future. Oh, tense, where I actually altered the future the past with my knowledge from the future. So you're saving up these names in the past and some kind of spake bank

Get these motherfucking spakes off this motherfucking podcast, Arnie. I'm not gonna tell you again. Oh, Mira. Yeah, um, I Can't tell so I'm just going to come out and ask, are you ambulatory? When you said you ran away, are you able to move on your own accord or do you have to wait for someone to move you? All right, this is quite awkward, but I have a friend who is also a haunted piece of furniture. It's a carpet, a magic carpet, right? Have you heard of this? So he's from,

you know, he's from far away, and he just flies all over the place. He flies with his little prints and the princess and they show them the world and whatnot. He can show them the world? He can show them the world. He can show them everything., shining, shimmering, splendid, all of that. Indescribable feelings. Indescribable feelings, it's really quite magical because I went on it and I was like, okay, I get it now. If I was on this ride with someone else, I would also fall in love, you know. So he picked me up. It was quite lovely. He picked me up. He said, I can tell you're ready to go. And I said, yes, I've got to get out of of here It's time for me to discover who I am and so he flew me

But then here's the kicker. He got tired Okay, and so he dropped me off in the woods and that's where you said you found me Because he dropped me in the woods and then I was just in the tree Sparkling glinting in the sunlight. Well, can I just say I'm so glad you're not cracked? I mean that is that's, I don't know your relationship with the carpet now, but that's a shitty relationship. If there I come across this flying carpet, I show most assuredly use my great magical powers

to destroy it on your behalf. I hope you do. That would be nice for me. Thank you. Oh, look at me. He was really quite rude. But you know, I don't blame him. He's been through a lot.

He's got a past, you know, we all do. And so I'm learning through my journey that everyone's coming from a place of insecurity and drama and trauma, really. So you've just got to accept that and just let them be, you know? So even though I was dropped in the woods with nowhere to go and I was quite scared and cold, I understood him, you know.

Yeah, and you never know, he might have been in a relationship with somebody else at the Evil Queen's castle, like maybe the carpet was matched with the drapes and, you know, he was trying to get back to her, you know? Yes. You know when the carpet matches the drapes, it really is quite an experience. You've got to enjoy it while you could have it. I'm often wondered, what do magical drapes do? Like, what's the point of magical drapes?

I think that they blow in to show maybe that there's trouble, a foot, or maybe that the spirit is like in the room with you, you know? Whenever you get a chill, whenever you're like, I think there might be a spirit or a ghost in here. The drapes will blow and say, yes, you're right, you know? Also great for dramatic and romantic entrances. Imagine standing with your back to someone who you want to fall in love with you

as an open set of doors blows the drapes up highly in the magic and the shimmering from the drapes appears. And then you turn around over your shoulder, making eye contact. Oh my. Saying, could it be us? No. Oh, chills. So now you're looking right at me when you say that.

So I wonder, are you talking about you and me, or are you talking about you and yourself? I was gonna say, he was making hard contact with himself. The whole time he was saying that. He was when he was saying that, yes. We're gonna talk to no more. Your natural ability is to show us ourselves and as you've mentioned, somehow you get lost in that.

I want to see you, but it's impossible not to see myself. I know. I know it's really quite difficult. I'm just trying to find myself because I do believe, obviously, I've got a voice, I've got a brain, I've got some sort, I've got my brain, I've got some sort, I've got you know my energy and love for life, lust for life, so I feel like eventually maybe someone will see me for me, maybe they will see my face in the mirror, that is mirror, you know? Yes, that's beautiful, what a beautiful dream, as you've

begun exploring who you are though, have you found anything that you like or that you feel you're drawn towards, maybe a new career or even just like a favorite snack? Oh, you know, when I was flying with the magic carpet, I did see in the square, the town square, a man taking a hammer and hammering on some sort of steel something like on an anvil, you know what I'm talking about, it looks like you're making a sword or something.

Oh, yep. And I was like, you know what, if I took a couple of classes, I bet I could do that, you know, I was like, I bet I could do that. And then I also saw people baking bread, I was like, maybe I'll bake some bread. I don't know how I'll do it because I don't have limbs, but I'll figure it out. I think I'll figure it out, you know? Yeah, I mean, I guess I would assume, and this is probably not a fair assumption that you would excel mostly at kind of like verbal work, like talking stuff, but that doesn't mean

that that's what you have to do. Yeah, you say it's not a fair assumption, but I think it's the fairest of them all. You see what I did there? You see what I did there? I did my job. I don't want to do that job anymore. And yes, I think I could be very good verbally,

but I'd like to just try to break out of the mold, free myself from the frame as it were, and try something different. Maybe I could get a little helper and tell the little helper, like, hey, you little guy, make something for for me but I'd tell them how to do it, you know. You're like management. Yeah, you delegation. I could delegate. Maybe I will be a delegator. Well here's what we'll do. Let me get out a piece of parchment and let's take you a little resume. Oh my gosh. Arnie, you mentioned what she might excel at,

so let me put on her special skills, excel. Mm-hmm. So before you were with the Evil Queen, did you have any other previous jobs? Uh, yes, I was a door. I was a clear door. Before they put some kind of shellac on me, I was the clear door.

I was a dodger, dodger, dodger. And so people could see through me. So I was quite tense, parent. And I guess that could be like honest, you know, I was the creator. Gotcha, gotcha. And so people could see through me. So I was quite tense, parent. And I guess that could be like honest, you know what I mean? I didn't speak, I just stood there. And then people would push me back and forth and I was very resilient, you know, just go right back where I came from.

Can I ask, and I don't mean to dwell on this, but what was that transition like, you know? Everyone just looking through you all the time and then suddenly your life must have felt like a big change when suddenly people are looking into you. Yeah, oh, it was quite hard. I didn't even know it was happening because what happened was I was a door

and then one day this woman was like waving a wand and saying words like expectorum and all these things that I don't understand maybe Latin is that the language the magic I don't know do you have Latin in this world? yes of course we have Latin it's one of the most beautiful languages here in all of foun it's some of the words that you hear me speak from time to time when I say arathka, tarak, ha-ha-ha-haptuous, but I assume your first job was sand, is that right? Oh yes, my first job was sand.

People, well, I was complaining. It was like, I was the one that had to fit in those crevices. Why are they complaining that I'm in there? You know what I'm saying? That's real, that's real like blue collar work to be in crevices. Yeah, it was quite hard for me. It was not my kind of work really, because I like to be, you know, in case in gold, I love people looking at me.

I don't really quite enjoy, I don't like being transparent, I don't like people seeing through me. I want them to see who I am. But yes, so being sand was, it was quite dirty work, quite below me, I think. So working with the Queen was probably the highlight of my career up until this point. Oh. Mirror, Mirror, you're saying, you mention a few times that you want people to see who you are, and I really, if we can,

I'd love for us to help you with that, but if you had to guess, what do you look like? I would say, I'm, you know, tall. Ha ha ha. Probably like, what's, what's, is six feet tall? Is that two tall? For a woman, I you know, tall. Ha ha ha. Probably like, uh, what's it? It's six feet tall. Is that your tall? I think it's a woman. It's tall for a mirror, certainly.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm quite tall. I like that. I like my height. So tall, um, I'm thin, honestly, because if, you know, you said, or when you saw me, you were like, she's pretty narrow, right? Yes, so very. Yes. From one direction, I'm a little wider, but then you turn me and you're like, where'd she go? You know, from the side.

Oh, oh, yes, basically flat. Keep it in tight, almost compact. It's pretty natural for me, really. I don't eat so that, you know, kind of cleans up the diet a little bit. Yes, I'd be concerned about that, but you're a mirror. So I'm not. No, I don't get hungry.

I just get, you know, I get talky. I talk a lot, but I don't get hungry. I just get I get you know, I get talky. I talk a lot But I don't get hungry. I don't know how they relate but they do somehow. I don't get hungry either. I get even Oh, you get even I love it. Have you ever tried having someone just like smear food Onto you just to see what happens. Okay, listen, that's very forward. It's not it's a fair. It's a fair question It's a fair question because the queen you know, she's got forward. It's not, it's a fair question. It's a fair question because the queen, you know, she's got a bit of an attitude, right? And I've told you, she got mad at me a few times,

but the first time she got mad at me, she took a turkey leg, one of those big turkey legs and just chucked it right at me. Terrible. I said, is that any way to treat me after I tell you how beautiful you are? And she said, well, I'm not feeling you today. And I was like, I don't care. You're feeling what about how I'm feeling? And she said, you're a mirror. I'm sorry, but that is abusive. I thought that is an unacceptable

workplace. It is an unsafe workplace. But how are the benefits? Well, the benefits were fantastic, right? Because if I ever got a little crack in me, she's had the men come in and fix me up. And they were always so gentle with me I loved them. Oh, I miss them so much. Oh, well, so yes, the benefits were fantastic. She really kept me in a nice cage She cleaned it every day I felt you know very well taken care of for a mirror slave For a mirror slave. So if you got your crack, would you have to pay anything for that or was it totally covered? Oh no, it was covered. No, it was completely covered by the castle and I never

had to worry about it. Honestly, I don't have any money or I don't make any money, so that would have been difficult if I had to pay for it myself. And Mira, I don't mean to be uncouth, but since Arnie talked about smearing food on you, which I'm so sorry about. You said the Queen changed your cage every day. So why did it have to be changed? Do you, how do I put this delicately? Even though you don't eat, do you leave your mark? Do I, how did it, what's the word?

Evacuate my bowel? No, that's not the word. Is this, oh my goodness. Or, escurvis. Escurvis. What am I talking about? I'm learning as I go. evacuate my bowel, though, that's not the word. Is this my work? Escavace? Escavace? What am I talking about? I'm learning as I go. You know I'm learning as I go.

You might have trouble with words. You might read them backwards, which is probably got to be challenging to start with. It is. Yes, it is. It's not dyslexia, but it's just mirroring. Yes, I look at their all backwards, they're confusing, and I've had to learn to adapt.

So, yeah, sometimes I do get my words mixed up, but no, I do not. I don't, you know, I don't have bowels or any of that. I don't do that. Sorry, sorry. I will say backwards or still words. Now, you mentioned that this queen was evil. I, dislike evil.

Should I go and smite her? What evil plans is she concocting? She's, you know, she's got this really big problem for some reason with a stepdaughter. And I'm like, just get over it. Why did you marry that man if you didn't want to be related to the daughter, you know? It's like if you don't want to be a stepmother,

don't be with a man with a child. So she's got this weird thing with her, she's always got some kind of attitude. I think she deserves a little bit of smiting, or maybe she just needs a little bit of someone to talk to her, you know, someone to understand her. That might be the problem. She might be lonely. Oh yes, perhaps we're casting her as the villain when all she really needs is a friend. I think sometimes, you know, being a mirror, really seeing people all the time, I do think that a lot of evil people

get painted in the wrong light. When really they're just, you know, sad, ill, tiny people inside, and they feel bad about themselves. And that's, you know, they've got to get help. It's very sad when people feel bad about themselves and they should get help. And they can do that right now by listening to these ads

and buying these wonderful products. Yeah. Wait, is this turning religious? What's up with this guy, right? Chant, I just want you to come with me to the compound for a couple of days. And we're back! Is that- that's how I come back from break, right? And we're back!

Oh, weird, kind of a weird cadence. Yeah, a little force, but sure. Try it one more time. And we're back! Why are you saying back like that? Doesn't- doesn't that the way I say it? No. Uh, please.

A human being. Try it one more time. And we're baaaaaak! Fuck it. Buddy, what is going on? And also your hair, it looks like party in the front, business, and back? What is happening? In the baaaaaak!

Oh boy, let's just, uh, let's get back to the interview. Mira, it's been so lovely to talk to you, and just want to say I am proud of you for having struck out on your own. It's such a, it can be so challenging to make that sort of change in your life and here you are excelling. What do you want to try next? Well, I don't know, it's quite hard because I'm still a mirror, you know. It's like, if only I could meet someone

that could help me become different, maybe, a change me in a different way. You know how they cast a spell when I was a door and maybe turn me into something different than a mirror? Oh. But I don't know. I don't know where I would even find that, not in this tavern.

I probably could find a sorcerer or something if we asked around. A sorcerer? Yeah, I once met a sorcerer who turned a pumpkin into a carriage, and the inside was the fucking nastiest thing you've ever sat on, just like, oh, so slimy and seized going in everyone's mouths. What the actual shit? Don't you hate it when you get into a ride and there's just seeds all over the... I hate that.

Why would you settle for a sorcerer when you are here, faced with a force of nature, in the form of a wizard? Oh yeah! Oh, you're a wizard? Why didn't you tell me this earlier? You could have told me this when you found me in the forest. You didn't have to carry me all the way, yeah? Well, I don't like to brag. Tell you do. You do it all. Your introduction is basically three minutes of bragging. What do you mean? I have never bragged once in my life. I am the most humble of servants of the goddesses.

I, who will defeat the Dark Lord, who is defeated Krillbaugh, and makes all happy and good. I mean, you said that all while doing the splits, so clearly there's something you need to prove. That was impressive though, I thought it was pretty cool. Oh, well thank you very much. Yeah, you're definitely gonna defeat the Dark Lord. What was that? I'm just saying, the Dark Lord would never get anything past you. What?

Why, what the fuck? I'm just, I'm just raving you buddy, you know, the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord would never like pull a switch of Rew on you. Never. Arnie here, mate of Rew on you. Never. Arnie you're making it. Oh, he is. Okay.

Does Arnie know something that you don't? That's happening. That is next to Impossible. Is it really? Seems like you might know something. Well, go back and listen to every other fucking episode of this show. Well, here, look, and I'm sorry to change the subject. And please tell me if this is too personal of a question, Mira.

But has anyone ever stood on the side of you and then lifted their arms and legs up, so it looked like they were floating? Oh, God, this again. Yes, there's so many at parties whenever the queen has a party. People get drunk on mead and on a ale, and they stand in front of me and do the stupidest shit I swear it's like the most ridiculous but sometimes I enjoy it because some of the some of the

suitors that come to the parties or you are they are quite attractive and beautiful and I like to look at them but no they do these tricks they try to pretend like there's two people and they're like oh look at me and sometimes I even say to them, you know I'm here, right? You know I can see you, and I'm talking to you. And they're like, oh, yeah, right, Mira, I'm probably just drunk. And I'm like, no, it's me, it's Mira. You must get so many people who like walk up to you

and like pick at their teeth, or like pull something, or nose. Not even knowing that you are sentient. Sometimes people will think like, I think I've got something on my bum. What is it? And so they're just like, look in the mirror for so long.

And I'm like, oh my God, I'm seeing that whole entire asshole, you know what I'm saying? And I don't know why they do it because I know the Queen has told them, I'm the number one special mirror that talks. She's got to tell them right? Where are you positioned exactly that people are looking at their assholes? Oh, the living room. That's the craziest part. I'm right in the middle of the grand living room.

Right? I'm the biggest mirror. I'm quite onate as we've stated. And for some reason, these people think it's all right to just drop trowel and bend over right in front of me just to check to see if they've got a mole or something. Arnie, you've told me you've never gazed at your own asshole in the living room. If not, they're where. What are you going to do in the outhouse in the back? Because that's not what we're not going to go back there. No, the basement, probably. Outhouse, good way to catch spiders.

You don't want to do that. So yes, it's quite disgusting. It's just a. Outhouse, good way to catch spiders. You don't want to do that. So yeah, it's quite disgusting. It's just a part of my job and it's part of the reason I am so excited to be done with it. I don't want to see another asshole unless it's like, you know, in a fun way. Oh, mirror, I don't, I'm not going to get it, but just so you know, or if you want you to get it, you have some, there's like some white powder on you. Oh, oh my, is that from another party?

It's from another party. They laid me down, right? They put the powder on top of me, and they're putting their noses all over it. I was like, this is so root. Then they act like fools, and they all start talking really fast and making deals and things,

and I'm like, what are you doing? Sounds like they're all hopped up on more glob. They must really want to do drugs if they're pulling a giant mirror off of the wall and setting it down on the floor. Six feet tall. I'm six feet tall. They take me off the wall, put me on the floor. They're lying on me, they're laughing and I'm like this is ridiculous. Just get a little hand mirror for Christ's sake. Get a hand mirror. Well you know what? We kind of talked about it a little bit. I don't know if we're gonna be able to find a sorcerer, but... Magic guy, why don't you give her legs or something? Magic guy.

Please, we really did get off track and I would really love some legs or something. Oh, yes. Well, if you like, I could conjure legs that are attached to your mirror form, but what I also could do. But all? Conjure, if it's past-expectant? Conjere. I could transform you into an entire mirrored lady if you so true. Oh, and Arnie, by the way, didn't you say you love Conjere? It was like Nicholas Cage and Steve Buschemi.

You always talk about Conjere. No, I was just saying I love Conjere 3. The devil made me do it. Why, love? Huh? I'm tired of it so busy lately. No, I was just saying I love Conjair 3, the devil made me do it. Why? Well, huh? I'm tired of it so busy lately. I could transform you into a lady, or I could transform you into a mirrored tiger.

Oh. And you could travel through the world and it's in the shape of an animal. Any animal you think of, I think you'd still probably be covered with mirrors or be mirrored That's what I was wondering is there any way to avoid mirrors because I'm so sick of people looking into me I love you know, maybe a little squishy, you know Yeah, because I feel like I don't even think that's cute. I think it's more cute when like there's an animal And you're like oh look at the little animal, but then you kind of walk away because you can't see yourself in it.

You know? My nicknames actually little squish. It's because I'm so, I'm so squeezable. Oh, I love that. See, I want to be like him. I want to be like a little badger. Oh. You're a real badger.

Oh, I'm a shapeshifter, but currently I'm a badger. Oh, well, it's adorable. I love this shape. I wish I could be like you and just shape-sift into whatever I wanted. Could I do that? Ooh, Chant is there some way that you could share your shapeshifty powers with me? Yes, let me contact a sorcerer, and they'll be able to cast a spell without any help for me to make, uh, Mira, shape shifter.

Ah, you don't need to contact a fucking sorcerer. This is awkward, I think he wants to do it himself. That's the thing. I think he wants to do it. You sir buddy, how about you start and just give her... she said she won legs. Just let's just start there. Let's start simple. Start with legs. Okay. Okay. Maybe steps, baby steps. Yeah, well work our way up to it. Also, I've got to say, real quickly, Chant. I'm so jealous.

Because all my life, I've wanted a mirror to tell me I had a good shape, but it's just never happened. Why don't I just tell you now? You don't want me to tell you. Really? I would love to hear it. It's so nice to hear nice things from me, it's because usually I look in the mirror and I feel like it's saying like, well, you fucked up again.

Oh, that's your voice in your head, you silly ghost. That's your anxiety. You've got to just not listen to that voice. Listen to me, telling you you're fine as heck, you know. You look great. You look fantastic. You're having a wonderful day. Something feels a little off about you,

but other than that, I think you're nice. I like you. I like you. You're wonderful. All right, take that to heart. Yeah, this is my job. Let me do my job for what I'm still me, you know. You're right.

Sometimes I feel like I was drawn weird. And I, you know, but I, that's just, I should draw weird. I should draw weird. No, you know, just as a metaphor. Are you a drawn? Oh, you know, you're a metaphor. Mm-hmm. Well, I think you look great. I think you're the fairest of the mull. That's what I say.

I don't just say it to anyone. I mean, I do just say it to anyone, to be honest. But I say it to you. I mean, I do just say to anyone to be honest, but I say it to you and I mean it Oh, I mean if he was the fairest of them all I would have split his fucking spice potatoes with me at dinner, but Well, it seems like I've stumbled into some trouble And now you shall stumble again. I shall conjure a pair of legs for you There's got to be a better segue than that. T'ruff. Oh, karroth. Con-t-r-ath-air-a-cont-t-r-ath.

T'r-c-a-ban! Whoa, Arnie looks. She's got legs and she knows how to use them. Oh, my goodness. I've got legs. This is fantastic. This mirror, it makes me feel a little bit naked almost. Now with these legs.

Make sure they're working. Kick something. Oh, okay. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kick you. That wasn't very nice of me. Usur, she said she feels naked. Quick, give her board shorts. Something like cute though, like tailored nicely. You know, something nice. I don't want to be tailored. Tailored.

Okay, like a capri. I'll take a capri. I mean, they're a little bit out of date, but sure. I mean, Mira, look at him. He can't expect a real good fashion choice for me. Okay, I'll just fold them up or something. I'll make them look nice. I can make anything look nice. Can I just say that user once made me some Capri's

and I could not get the straw in there, no matter how hard I tried? It's hard to get the straw in sometimes. You have to go the right angle. Oh good tip, good tip. Zip it, do. Oh look you have caprises. There you go. I'm not caprised on.

Oh no straw for me but look at me. Look I can dance. Do a little jig. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well how does it feel? Tell us.

You know, are they are they are they fleshy enough? They're very fleshy., are they fleshy enough? They're very fleshy, they're quite fleshy, actually, very squishy. Nice fleshy, Tufleshy. No, just the right amount of squish actually, I don't want them to be too hard. That would be intimidating, I'm not ready to be scary yet. Well, you have to earn that, you gotta go to the gym if you want to get hard. Oh, wow, already.

I've already got to be like doing this stuff, this hunt exhausting, I'll be like the queen in no time, asking, do I look okay? Are my legs pretty enough? Are they skinny enough? Am I right or wrong? You know, I'm over that. But I do, I do love them.

I could use some shoes, maybe. Ooh! Some shoes. Any heels? I would prefer heels. Heels? Yeah, but maybe a chunky heel because I don't like the slim ones that you are talking I've heard

Let me think about that for a moment and Okay, a little buckle on them. I don't know about that but other than that they're really quite lovely Hold up you look stunning you sir. Can I get some chunky heels? Yeah Oh my look at you Yes, you look fantastic. Thank you Arnold. Would you like a chunky heel? I love a hamburger But I called you Arnold. Oh Arnold knee camp to you. What?

Isn't that my name? That's my- did I- ah, I fucked that up. Usually you correct me and you say, it's Arnie. It's Arnie. But you sir, he also always slows down the podcast, so it's just him being him. Right, perfect for. Yeah. Yeah, haha, it's just me.

Mira, I don't want to be presumptuous, but do you want Yusur to give you some arms as well? Oh my goodness, I would love to have some arms. Yes, if I have arms then I can give you all a hug. I would love to do that. I've always heard that's really nice and sometimes unwelcome, but I'll give you a one with consent. Oh that's wonderful. Yusur give her six arms so she can hug all three of us. Oh my goodness, so many arms. Erro, Carl, Tor, Ha, Ha, ha, ha, ha, Trunt, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, one, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I feel like these are good arms are just long. It's starting to be a little too aware of my body, you know what I mean when that happens. Welcome to the rest of us. Yes, everyone's like that.

That's what I've heard. Well, here I am. I'm mirror with arms and legs. Well, you look amazing. Well, it went about a face. Am I going to get a face? Can you do that also? Is that, you know, realm of power?

Of course. But I want to clarify. Uh, here it comes. Do you want to face, or head? Oh, I get one of the other. It's not one of the other, but a face could kind of go anywhere? Oh, well, that's kind of interesting.

Do you want to try to put the face on the mirror and then we'll see if it looks weird and if it looks weird, just tell me, be honest, and we can move it. Yeah, do a head-on-top face on mirror and let's see if it looks weird and if it looks weird just tell me be honest and we can move it. Yeah, do a head on top face on mirror and let's see. Head on top face on mirror. Yeah, a faceless head and a face on my body. Yeah, I'm sad, you know. We definitely want to give her a head up top.

People don't put the face on the mirror. Just so people are standing behind her don't feel insane. Oh yeah, I want them to like be like, oh we're just standing in line behind a square woman. A square woman. All right, this spells a little different. May I hold your hand? Oh, of course. Thank you for asking.

What? Oh, I've got a hand, and now I'm holding someone's hand. This feels good. Mira, I need you to concentrate. Oh, OK. And think what does my face look like? Focus on what you think you may look like. And as you focus and the magical powers flow from my hand into yours,

a face will begin to form where the reflective surface once was. Here are the God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of God of Oh, I feel them. Oh, someone's got to pluck it. It's a little bit bushy. Oh, okay, there we go. Nice and tailored now. Oh, oh. Oh, your eyes. Oh, no, I messed up. Why does my face look like the queen's face? I messed up. I mean, that's a face you will have seen probably the most number of times.

I know, but I don't want to lose my face. I'm not going to lose my face look like the queen's face? Uh. I messed up! I mean, that's... That's a face you will... Have seen probably the most number of times. I know, but I don't want to look like her. I mean, she is the fairest of them all, but if I look like her, then she's just the fairest of both of us, you know? Oh, God. Can we change it? Sure.

She's got a certain something about her... I know, she is quite beautiful, isn't she? Yeah, like clearly... Clearly evil. But it's kind of like works for her. Those high cheekbones. I know those cheekbones are, because she's not good bone structure.

Is it good for me though? Does it work for me? Do you feel like this is my face? It's okay, but I feel like yeah, you don't want to replicate somebody else's face because yeah, the evil queen does have a certain something. Queen Jenny Seikwa. Jenny is, you know, Queen Jenny has her own thing, but you should, you know, you've spent your whole life reflecting others.

You should choose something new. Something unique. Let us try it again here. Hold my hand once more. This time, Mira, focus on every face you've ever seen. Think of them all shuffling through your mind. If it is some kaleidoscope that is constantly shifting, and then you will focus on the face that is yours and land upon the features that are only thine. And now, open thine eyes!

Ugh! Oh! It's beautiful! Oh, you're so beautiful! Oh! I did not expect them all right there, but it's beautiful! Oh, you're so beautiful! Oh! I did not expect them all right there, but it looks nice! Oh my goodness! eyelashes, lips on point, everything looks beautiful! Oh my god, I could cry!

If I cry, is it going to come out of my head or is it going to go out of my face on my body? Oh, Ramirez streaking! This is so... Thank you so much for doing this for me! My head, or is it gonna go back to my face on my body? Oh, Ramirez streaking. This is so, thank you so much for doing this for me. I'm going to- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no to hug them, I'm going to touch them, maybe get some smooches. I've always wondered what those were like, you know? Nice, yeah. They've always seemed quite nice, they're just stopping and wet, but I don't know, maybe I could feel what wet feels like as opposed to, you know, being splattered on my surface.

I'm going to kiss some people, I'm going to just, you know, go out into town and say hello and be like a regular person and maybe I will become a Steel worker and make swords and and bake bread and and do all the things that normal people do like look at their Arsoles and other mirrors, you know, oh, did you want an asshole? No, you know, I've seen so many. I really don't need one do I need one? You don't want to not have one, but I'll leave. Well, you can give me one, but let's do that, Leid.

So let me just enjoy the pity parts first, you know? OK, all right, fine. We'll do that behind the paywall. Kissing today assholes later. Yes, that's how it goes. You've got to have an order. It's got to go kissing then assholes, you know what I'm saying? It's can't go the other way.

So yes, I love it. I'm just going to pounce around town and you know maybe if someone hits on me I'll yell at them and then I'll feel like a real woman. This is so wonderful. Thank you so much. You are the best wizard, a sorcerer, whatever you are. You're the best at it. Not a sorcerer. Yes, yes, we're. Thank you so much. I appreciate your appreciation. Yes, well, thank you so much. I appreciate your appreciation. Now you're kind of a mirror, you're kind of, you know, saying, I appreciate you appreciating me. That's kind of what a mirror does.

You're kind of like me now. Yes, I suppose I am. For is a wizard not a reflection of what is needed by the world that is demanded to come into existence by a conflagration of wind and rain and birds and frogs and the goddess's will to become a champion. How do you do the splits that low? Like, something should be broken. Oh no. It is broken. I just fix it all back up. Oh.

That's the magic of wizards, right? Oh yeah, I'll just, I just let her rip. They probably get really stretchy after a while though. Yeah, but that's fun No, man. How long do I have to spend with this guy? What you just said that out loud? You know that don't you? Oh Yeah, sorry. I've just like how long am I gonna have to do this with these dorks? Why do you mean? Hey, you're doing this show? No, but I've done this show for four years and four weeks and... No, it's been much longer than that.

Arnie, we just gave a mirror their own life, aren't you? This is the kind of shit we live for. Why aren't you happy? Let me a co-vern look at this sundial. Ugh. If I stalled long enough, I guess... Um, I don't know, maybe this isn't the part. Maybe I'm not gonna stick the landing

on this one, but surprise! I pranked you this whole time. I'm not hurting at all. What? Arnold, is that what we're doing? Don't you recognize me? I have three fingers on this hand. My hair is weird. If I turn sideways, look, my proportions aren't right. I'm, I'm carfoon Arnie. Carnival Wilson, Master of Pranks. Carnival Wilson, what have you done with Arnie? Know that you face the wrath of a wizard if one lied, a drip out of thine mouth. Quick, mirror, you have arms for the first time time punch this guy in the fucking mouth. Oh, I would love to I'm so nice Right there didn't I

Hey, thank you. Oh, hi Look at this look you got paint smeared all over your hand Are you made of paint? I am I'm a paint. I was made with magical paint Yeah, look about a season ago I was made with magical paint as part of a prank on evil like a sort of season finale switcheroo But they used the forbidden paint so I didn't just go away in a couple weeks I have been alive this whole time a weird Badly drawn copy of this dude.

At least you're self-aware. Yeah, I think so. I've got to say, I think I have a little bit more self-awareness than Arnie does. It wouldn't be hard, but I demand that you tell us what has happened to our good friend. Simple. The Dark Lord has him. What? The Dark Lord has your friend. And he's gonna get that, uh, gizmo with job out of his brain. The artifact. And my job was to stall you for a while, because it just seemed like it would be a sweet

prank. And I, I, I think I, I mean, I'm supposed to stall a little bit longer, but there's no way you're gonna get to the volcano in time. The volcano. There's no way you're gonna get to the volcano in time. The volcano. There's a volcano. East of here, by the sea. Mira, Chut, we must go and save Ory! Oh, Mira, would you like to join our quest

and to help us defeat evil? Oh, this is awkward. Well, all of you were arguing and kind of like talking between each other. A man over at the bar. He was looking at my legs, so I said, so what are you looking at? And we started talking and he bought me this mug of ale.

And long story short, I think I'm going to go. Um, I'm going to hang out with him and kind of see what's over there and like, see what that's all about. Okay. Um, but you guys have fun and thank you so much for the body. It's very hot. I look amazing. I love it I think you look incredible And I hope that we hear more of your adventures soon. Oh, of course. Um, yes. Yes. I'll definitely talk to you again I won't leave you and never talk to you again I'll definitely talk to you and tell you what's happening in my life. I'll keep you updated. Yes. You have fun. I will go with that man.

Why do people say that to me? He's very cute, though, and I'm very thirsty and hungry for love. He is very cute. Good luck. He's chiseled. He looks like a statue. I know he does, doesn't he? Good for you. And you look like a painting. Why is no one yelling at you, attacking you to the ground?

I don't understand it. Oh, well, you know, I'm not all bad. And probably because I look like Arnie, people like give me a pass a little bit. Shhh! Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh. You do seem like a nice guy.

Well, I really appreciate all of your help. And good luck finding your friend, your real one. Good luck to you and congratulations on your identity. I think that's one of the most important things that a person can step into. So congratulations. Yeah, go out there and make some mistakes. I will. I'm going to make some mistakes. I'm going to do bad things. I'm going to regret it.

I'm going to, you know, maybe break an ankle every now and then I don't know why I'd want to do that But I'm going to do some fun things, I'll find some fun things to do. This is exciting. Oh good luck to the E and you Cartho, you come with us. Chanty, oh that would be great. Shut up, I'm doing that way. Shut up, shut the fuck up. Carval Wilson as fuck. Look, hear me out. My job was to prank you guys.

And I've done that. Look, I'm not evil. I don't really give a shit about good or evil. I'm just in it for the Switcher Rews. So if you want me to come along and then fight against the Dark Lord too, that would be another Switcher Rew. I'd be totally into that. Stop saying Switcher Rews.

But then I would probably switch a Rew you back a kid. Lord too, that would be another switcheroo. I'd be totally into that. Stop saying switcheroo. Slap. But then I would probably switcheroo you back again. There would be a series of switcheroo's. Now, Chant, I have been trying all season to get someone to change from the side of evil to good. And this guy just said he's willing to do that. If we really want to trust Carnival Wilson, then fine.

But at least give him an asshole. Oh That was the first thing that was drawn on me originally I mean come on look let me find a different mirror Hi guys, I'm back real quick. Oh wow Do you have any do you need money? I don't have any money. You gave me a body, and it didn't give me a dollar. Oh, here. Let me reach into my hat. Here's a bag of gold.

Oh, thank you so much. Here's some papers that are identification. Oh, thank you so much. Here's a set of keys. I don't know what they go to. Oh, I hope it's a house or something. Do you have a house? Can I have your house?

Sure. Yeah, go for it. Thank you so much. Oh, I love your house? Sure, yeah go for it. Thank you so much. Oh I love your asshole Arnie, it looks great. Thank you. Sorry but I put it so close to you. It's very close, I know you really look good. That is my long time. It's okay. All right thank you so much. I appreciate it. I'm going to take your house and your money. Thank you bye. Bye bye! I'd be very sorry that to me! So everything's culminating at a volcano. Well this story has talking quite a turn. Meanwhile, it's lovely when an inanimate object comes on the show and leaves a real being. While the living series' regulars only seem to get more wooden.

You've been listening to a Y-Rubbid in the episodes almost over. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Mira Mirrera was played by special guest Nicole Thurman. Nicole performs a bunch of characters on the new HBO Max cartoon Jelly Stone, including Jabberjaw, Uuuuh, High on the Call Sheet, Squidley Didley and DD Sykes. But to me, Shalow is be a comedy-on-genue struggling to do a Baltimore accent for $81 a show. Check out Nicole's new podcast, The Scroll Down.

Finally, a podcast I can get excited about, and follow her on Twitter and Instagram at Nicole Thurman. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neckamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Tim Joyce, special assistance and powdery little facial expressions provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I truly hope the Dark Lord doesn't end up with that transmitter in Arne's head. We may never know who is responsible for setting this whole tragedy in motion, but I am grateful we just got rid of the one mirror on the show.

I think I like it. Here I am.