Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 11 - Baker

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Usidore is a little too excited to welcome the baker of the best muffins in Nibblebottom.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDuggan GahLump: Ric WalkerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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the frozen top of your planet to be sealed inside a falling disco ball. I find the whole thing charming, and now you're giving yourself the reward of another episode of this. And who am I to stand in the way of such an adorbs little masochism spiral? So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six and three-fourth years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical

land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the unnamable mountain in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the Unnamable Mountain in the magical land of Foon. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Get wet. Hey, get and get wet to you as well. How are you doing, bud?

Pretty good. You know, actually, I take that back. Right now, don't get wet, because it is flippin' freezing outside. It is so cold. Like, I'm using the one we were in Hogs face, and even when we were traveling around Foon, like it did not get this cold, this early in winter. Yeah, it is brutal.

I mean, burr. No, Arnie, I'm asking you, do you want a burr? Do I want a burr? Do you want a burr? I mean, maybe. What is that entailed? It's like a beer, but it's upside down. Oh, I love that. So you spill it on your lap

Okay, I'm listening step one Biobur step one to get my scroll. Yeah, step one Spill a bur in my lap. No step one by a bur okay, buy a bur. I'm sorry just cuz I I'm a little low on money this month You're a little low on Arnie. Why did you say something to this season? I know for me. How much do you need? Well, here's the thing.

I've been working at the Cooper, but things are going so well for the Cooper right now. So I told them that they don't have to pay me, so I don't really have a lot of coin right now. So if I have to pay for this burr later, I might not be able to pay the bill burr. Huh. Hmm. Okay. I didn't feel good about it.

You know what? I don't think I'm gonna lend you anything because you see, you're real smog about being burr. I don't, here's the thing, look at my face. I am not smog about it. Yeah. I don't know. I'm shagrin.

This is my face. You'veagrin! What's my face? You've never seen this expression on my face before. Pure Shagrin! Fuck you and fuck Philly. And by that, I mean the horse that just ran by the window. Fuck that, Philly. That's my, that's the Cooper. That's a...

Oh really? Yeah. Yeah, they are the main Cooper in town. Sorry, the Philly's name is Winnie. Yes. Oh. Winnie the Cooperilly's name is Winnie. Yes. Oh. Winnie the Cooper? Yeah, no, I got it.

Oh, the binamic face is smug. I got it, man. I'm just gonna dump this bur on your lap. Okay, oh good. Let's get this stuff. Let's just get one. Step one, burrs in my lap. Step two, you're done.

Oh, okay. Well, step one was get the burr. Yes. Step two, even, burrs in my lap. Step two, you're done. Oh, okay. Well, step one was get the burr. Yes. Step two is, even fuck that up, let's just move on. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, but I'm gonna write down the one that I'm done, because it would be awkward to forget to be done. Yeah, of course.

Sure, sure. I am also joined by my other co-host, Wizard's Choice nominee, Yusador the Wizard. Oh, shut the door. It's so cold out there. Oh, it's freezing. Oh, Yusador the Wizard! Oh, shut the door! It's so cold out there! Oh, it's freezing! Yusador! Ah, nice! Just let's write up here.

Oh, have you been access to that date? Something up here to the tall table. It's alarming. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you, but I just came in from outside. It was so very cold out there. It's been cold. We kind of covered that up. Oh, honey. Honey, do you think that's enough for people

to get a sense of location? Because I don't want people to think that this bar I own is cold. Hm. Have I established for you now for your listening audience that it's cold in here, a bird cold? Is that enough for you? Well, that kind of sucks, because earlier,

I meant to put a log on the fire and you said, if I did, it would come out of my paycheck. Oh, that's right. I have to start paying you Oh, so if you're gonna start paying him from the tavern money Then maybe I don't have to pay him. Why would you be paying him? I don't know no reason but here I brought some hops and some grain and some water I'm a I'm gonna build a beer if you guys give me a minute here. It's gonna take me a little while

I'm telling you I'm gonna build a beer if you guys give me a minute here. It's gonna take me a little while Uh, I'm telling you just buy the beer. It's so much more expensive to build a beer I know. I mean, there's a novel team for like 20 minutes while you're building it And then you get home and you're like, huh? 50 gold coin for this. I know man. The burrow here is so expensive The old Kermudgeon who runs this place. I don't know what his problem is. He keeps raising the prices and raising the prices. That's you. You're the old cramudge and you bought this place. Oh shit. That's right. Well I'm going to have a word with me. Ooh this ought to be fun. Mm-hmm, let's listen in. Well you said all. I see that you've raised the price of, but again. Yes that's right. I run this establishment now

And I have decided I don't make enough money especially if I have to start paying chant for listeners at home I'll be used to our talks to himself he moves his head back and forth for each different To tell me how much beer is I know how much a burst should be oh, I'll tell you how much a bird should be Find out with fire How then a fireball for you as well So he keeps trying to shoot fire at himself, but he can't because he's shooting it away from himself even though he moves He's just shooting You sort of you're just shooting fireballs all over the tavern that you own

Well, sorry, I I just got into a heated conversation with myself Huh We've all been there How is your guys's break? I feel like we're all rested and rejuvenated from taking a couple weeks off. Oh yes, I feel very rested and rejuvenated. Oh, but only three weeks still I shall pass out of this mortal realm. What? Remember I have to fake my own death in about three weeks?

Oh shit, why did you have to put a number on it? I don't know. I just got nervous and I said a number a couple months ago. I said like two or three months. And now people are really like, keep telling me, like, oh, the end of the month, so long. So in three weeks from now, you're gonna be dead. Well, everyone will think I'm dead.

I'll just have to take on a new persona. A whole new character. Aren't you excited, Arnold? Ah, yeah. Last time you died, we brought in pizza skull, so the bar's pretty low. And Arnie, I feel rested and rejuvenated, just like you used to do, but the only difference is, now I'm fucking jacked. Oh, sorry, you probably can't see. Let me, uh... Let me tear off my fur here. Ah! What?

How, how, God. That looks so painful, but also, it's so weird to see so many abdominal muscles and pectoral muscles on a badger. Thank you so much. Is that a 15 pack? It is. I'm still working on the last one.

I'm making an even, even baker's crazy. Yeah, what's going on in this corner over here? Oh, those are, those are abs that I'm working on. Oh, okay. That's the hottest corner of all. So be honest, Chant. Did you earn these abs or is this a kind of shape shifter thing? Okay, well, if I must be honest,

the first four were real, genuine, the real deal. Ironed every single inch of those abs, and then the next eleven were me shifting around. She, what look good, and, you know, you know, you're just a loyise, are playing with yourself? Oh, sure, I do. Testing your limits? Yeah, I mean, some of our listeners are doing that right now. Ah! I'm going to be honest, I'm on the exact opposite path of chunt because have you had these muffins? Oh my godses, they are a pure delight. You said you gotta

stop eating so many muffins you've only got three weeks to live. All the more reason to enjoy the muffins while I can. Before I pass away into the unknown realms of fesius, I mean I'll actually defile. Wait, are you actually eating these muffins while I can before I pass away Into the unknown realms of feces. I mean, I'll actually be fine Wait, are you actually eating these muffins because I've been fucking fooled before by you Arnie There's one time when you sort of goes look. I'm eating this muffin and he held it with his outside hand So I couldn't it's on the other side of where I was I'm sure he's the outside hand and he wants to eat it But he was just putting it real close to his face and then down by his neck and then down by his body He was so it gave the illusion that he's eating it and he was bluffing with his muffin

Oh, that's where the songler comes from What's the deal with wizards and depth of field magic tricks? Right, I have no idea what you both are talking about, but I am going to enjoy this carrot talking about, but I am going to enjoy this carrot. Om nom nom nom nom nom. There is no crunching. He didn't really eat that. There's just a carrot. Like it's not even impressive.

Oh look, here's another carrot on the floor next to me. That's the same carrot. So these carrots used to do it, or they're pretty fascinating. I hope we have a guest related to these carrots. No, no, no, no. The muffins, the muffins the muffins those delicious muffins I Like like the kiss from a pure angel No angel. Yes, instead of one of those tainted angels

Nice, I shall hunt them all down and kill them for the evil that they spread into the world with their taints them for the evil that they spread into the world with their taints upon their wings is the most vile evil in all of food. You don't even want to know where the halos are Arnie, it's around her tics. It's pure nasty. Oh, I was going to guess it was more of like an anus thing. Huh, why would you think that on this show? Anyway, I brought in the very baker herself. Where is he? I think he's here already.

Oh, Dougan, please, climb up the ladder and join us at the tall table. Oh, man, that's a long way up. Oh, it's alright, it's alright, please. Ugh, Ouch. Ouch. Oh. Oh. Oh, man.

I only could use one leg at a time. Oh, that's the way a lot of people use letters, but one leg at a time. But I only used one leg and then I got halfway up and I used the other leg. Oh, I see. Like, not one leg halfway up and then the other leg. Yeah, that would be just that. That my good leg got tired. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, thank you for joining us

Onnie chunt. This is dug in gulump the most divine baker. I believe I have ever encountered it all of food Oh, I thank you. You know, I'm really proud of my products my my line of muffins and small cakes Oh, wow. What's the difference between a muffin and a small cake? Well it's all about marketing because really it's the same recipe a lot of cinnamon. So much cinnamon. I swear if there was any more cinnamon in these muffins I might choke on it. Yeah you know you can't whistle after you eat one of my muffins. It's a rule. I've heard that some of the teens around town have been taking your cinnamon muffin challenge.

I don't know any more details beyond that. Besides knowing that's a thing. Oh yeah, they take that cinnamon muffin challenge and then they try and lay real straight and then people paint their portrait. Oh, it's... But it's smart of you to get them to buy a cinnamon muffin before they do that. Oh yeah.

Oh, the kids, they like those real sloppy muffins. The scruffins, the real, that they're painted with icing to look like, they got a beard. So the scruffins are, oh, they're real sloppy looking, but the kids love them. Oh, Doug, and don't even get me started on that. The other day, I was talking to you store

for about two hours. I looked down, it was a muffin with a beard. I'm an idiot. Oh, did you think it was his child? No, I thought it was you, Sador. It looked just like him. Oh, you're not. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I have trouble following stories. Sure. It looked just like him. Oh, you're not sorry. Sometimes I have trouble following stories. Oh, that's fine. So can you go back to that part where you were talking? You're in luck. On this podcast, it's not worth following any of the stories. I was talking to you, what I thought was Yusidor. Uh-huh. And there was actually a muffin with an icing beard.

Oh, that's a good, that's, oh man. I wish you had painted a picture of that muffin. I could have used it in my new marketing campaign. Doug and I, I think it was one of those scruffens and and to be perfectly honest between you and me. Chant doesn't have the best depth perception. Watch this. Hey Chant, I'm going to eat this celery now. NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM. What the fuck?

That's right, I ate it all the buns. That is wild. I'm sitting over here so it's not very impressive. Shut up. Oh Arnie, I can't just say you're looking really very well today. You're looking a little slim. Can you eat this muffin? Oh.

This a very fattening one. Okay, I mean I've been hearing great things about your muffins all over the bottom, but I don't know. All season I have been beautiful, Arnold. I don't know if I want to throw that away. Oh, this one make you, you know, you are very handsome. I'm handsome young man, all right. That's true, and I can be big and beautiful.

And finally, I am big. I can be bigger and beautiful. You could be a big, beautiful man if you just hear it. hear this this one is for you. It's a special recipe. It's a puffing. So it's going to make you gain a lot of weight. Okay. Now now these magically imbued muffins that it can make someone put on weights so quickly or as it's just the fat content? The magically delicious. Ooh, I'm gonna add that to my marketing campaign. That's a good idea. Original.

Now instead of puffing, could I just have a puffing top that'll just make my top puff up? Oh yeah, you will have very broad shoulders if you eat here. Ah. Oh, there you go. Oh. Why are you muffin so loud?

They're very brittle. I have very brittle muffins. And you put so much sugar on the outside to give that crystalline glaze on top of it. And then they just snap in half. Oh, I love your muffin so much. Yeah, and Doug, and there's something to be ashamed about. If you have a genetically dry muffin,

I'm sure there's some sort of ointment or topical cream that you can use that, you know. Some of the icing's are moistening. Some parts of the kingdom, they prefer really overly moist muffins. No such thing, but go on. They like a variety of flavors that I personally do not even sample or taste Don't even sample them. Oh, no

See I I judge them by eye by look if they had the appropriate slime and glisten I'm like, oh that is definitely some dangerous mucus I've also been to the kingdom of Yellington and the kingdom of Yellington They like to fill their muffins with jelly and that that KY jelly I've also been to the Kingdom of Yellenton, and the Kingdom of Yellenton, they like to fill their muffins with jelly, and that KY jelly, it's just, it's not good, it's not good in a muffin. Arnie, Doug, you saw just listing muffins,

I mean, they're like, I don't, like, muffin scampi in cocktail muffin, and yeah. Oh, did I tell y'all about my muffin scampi? Oh, please do. It is so garlicky. It's got a variety of garden herbs. Oh, it will make you cry. Garden herbs.

Garden herbs, yeah. Yeah, he's a fellow that lives in my garden and he donates parts of his body for every muffin scampi. Oh my God. How generous of him. Jump, jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it possible the Duggan has paid yousador

for this placement in the podcast? Yeah, it seems like a hard, it seems like a hard-edged ad. This is like an info-mercial level. Yeah, this is like such an egregious, just ad placement. It's, I feel like I should say something, right? And you can find the muffin hut It just by turning left on Yebel Street and then going right up the road and I hear if you use the offer code Muffin that you'll get a free muffin along with two other muffins that you pay for

Okay, Arnie now I'm not so sure There is an offer code. There is an offer code. Here, why don't you and I try and sus out whether or not this is an advertisement? And we're going to take a quick break to hear from a few of our advertisers. Yes. So your muffin pizza has a muffin crust and the toppings are also muffins. Mm-hmm, but they're smaller muffins. Uh-huh.

They're not small cakes though, they're just small muffins. Oh no, no small cakes on a muffin pizza. That's so silly. That would be ridiculous. John, John, John, John, John, John,. I know and when I tried to say, is this an ad placement? Dougan said, has this ever happened to you? And then he smacked me in the face? Yeah. And, well, has that happened to you? I mean, it has now.

Ah, Ahni, I'm sorry. We're being so rude. Did you have any questions about muffins? Ugh. I guess how much are they? And like, how many installments? Oh, well, you know, you might think that they're 99, 99. I guess how much are they and like how many installments? Oh, well, you know, you might think that they're a 99, 99. Oh, that's a lot. Seems very reasonable to me.

Yeah, but it's marked down. It's not 99, 99, 99. Okay, you might think it's 49, 99, 99. Still high. Well, hold on, is this gold, is this rubies, is this emeralds? Monetary units, you know, what's your favorite monetary unit? M.U.s moves Monitor units

Yeah, I'm talking moves I would easily pay 49 99 moves for two of these muffins and this set of knives Oh, but you can get so much more Not just will you get these knives with these muffins? You get this beautiful sweater Oh Arnie, no, no, no, don't you know, did you see what they did? Not just when you get these knives with these muffins, you get this beautiful sweater! Oh! Oh! Arnie, no, no, no! Don't know, Nile!

Did you see what they did? They introduced knives, they're threatening us! We have to buy muffins, they're lookin' less! And also, John, we would both look great in that sweater. Oh, you're right! You're telling me, I get both of the muffins, a set of knives and a sweater, and all that still costs less than 49.99 money units. Oh yeah, three easy installments of 29.99. So that's less than 49.99. What a deal.

John, look, we'll just take some time to figure out whether this is a deal that we want to be a part of or not, right? Like, we'll have all the time, like, you know, in a couple weeks, we'll figure out if we want to buy these things Yeah, let's sit back and relax cuz this deal less forever Mmm-hmm this offer is only good until I leave the tall table What? Wow You could leave the table any moment. We have to ask soon

Accine we gotta act now Arnie. Did you see how smoothly that muffin cut through that tomato? Yeah, it was like a knife cutting through a tomato. There's been so many demonstrations and they don't make sense, but they're compelling. These muffins are so sharp, they can cut through almost anything, and these knives are so soft and pillowy and delicious. I don't know when I'm ever going to cut through a pipe, but that muffin is sharp. That's true, but the good news is they're threatening us with a very soft knife. Yeah, and that pipe said Arnie on it when they cut through it.

And the tomatoes said, Chant, what is that supposed to mean? So, Duggan, what made you decide to become a baker in the first place? Oh, well, you know, I was looking for a kind of employment that really took advantage of all my skills. Um, you know, I was enchanted by a grandmother a long time ago. Well, we're all enchanted by grandmothers. They're adorable and they're charming. And oh yes, I am mesmerized by all grandmothers, but I was actually enchanted with all of the skills

of a grandma. So as a matter of fact, I forgot to tell you boys, I brought you here, each of you a late birthday card. You'll find two monetary units in it. Whoa, just a little. Just a little. Oh, and Arna, you look cold here. Take this quilt on me.

Oh, that's wonderful. That's incredible. I love my card. It has a little olive on top of the front of it, and it says 350. And then you open up and says Here's a big boy who's 350 years old and there are two monetary units inside. Oh And Arnie he gave you a quilch just like a grandma You know how one grandma start to give away all their possessions because they know their time is coming to an end? Oh

No, oh and chant You should not have your bear on the table here put this do Oh no. Oh and Chuck, uh, you should not have your burr on the table. Here, put this doily underneath. Oh, a doily! Arnie, it's like a coaster that sucks. Oh, thank you. Yeah, because like, it goes right through a doily. Yeah, you have to wash it. Wait, you didn't have that doily when you came in. Did you just conjure that out of thin air? Uh-huh, I-I-I magically knitted it! Oh! With my mind! Oh, hmm. So I didn't have to use my hands, so if you need something, uh, knitted, I can do that.

You truly are enchanted grandmother powers. Uh, well, uh, can you, uh, do you knit us a pie? Oh, absolutely! Wait a minute. You know I'm a muffin lady! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah, just joshin' ya! How much are these muffins again? Absolutely wait a minute you know I'm a muffin lady Just joshin you how much are these muffins again? Do you sir stop talking about the muffins? Let's get to know a little bit more about these grandma powers Fine, fine. If you want to talk about the boring stuff instead of muffins

I suppose yeah, honey you can ask one of your questions By the way, you're being recorded to mean put on a show on this other planet called earth I know it sounds like dirt, but it's just a planet. You sit on someone with grandma powers isn't gonna understand what a podcast is. What? Is that some sort of clown act? Yeah, about yeah, I think that's about right. Yeah, but Dougan, thank you so much for this, this card actually, my birthday was just a couple days ago. So this is very well timed. It means a lot to me.

Oh, you know, I always worry about you boys. Oh, I can tell you worry about us because in my birthday card, you said, stop that rastling. Don't make me have to get off the Davenport and tan your hide so much you can't sit down on the commode. That's right. I will get a switch.

There was a lot of truth in that card. Although I didn't write it originally, you know, I purchased a pre-written delightful card, but this one really spoke the truth about it. Oh, and Chuck, I always feel a little uncomfortable saying your name. Oh, why, grandma? I don't know, Chuck. That's just stupid. I mean, Dougan, I mean, if you do get a switch, can you make sure you get the oiled switch? Because I hear that just has a nicer look to it. And a better crack when it smacks, when it makes contact. Ooh, yes, please. Thank you, Grammy.

And, Sean, why don't you just call me Doug? OK. I like the one syllable thing for you. So, Sean and Doug, or you can just call me lump if you want to start with the other end of my name. I'll just call you Doug. Hey! All right. Doug and Sean.

Doug and Chuck. Doug and Chuck, two best friends making muffins. Doug and Chuck, we can go around solving crimes. Ooh, solving crimes. Arnie, is there any crimes that need solved? Ah, that we didn't commit. Ah, no. There is one crime I would like the two of you to solve. Who the hell lit this place up with fireballs

a little while ago? You see, there's a lot of who the hell lit this place up with fireballs a little while ago There's a lot of smoke. Yeah, that was you shooting fireballs at you Right, so it wasn't me. It was me talking to me So I want you to find me and take me to justice. Oh Doug before we solve this case We should sort of figure this out. Do we want to go by Doug and Chant or Doug and Chant? Oh, I like the second one better Okay, cuz your name is Doug and right? Uh-huh, so it could be Doug and Chant or Doug and Chant. Oh, I like the second one better. Okay, because your name is Doug and, right? Uh-huh.

So it could be Doug and Chant or Doug and Chant. Yeah, I think Doug and Chant, because it really encapsulates it all, because not only are we together as two different people, but it also sounds like Doug and up front, but it's Doug and Chant. And no one will know unless it's written out. And most of the people in this area do not read.

Perfect. So we know that two users fought here. So I'll interview Yousador and you interview Yousador. That's a good plan. Okay Yousador, have a seat. If that is your real name. Yousador, you stand here in this corner. Okay, I didn't do anything, man. I don't know why you're giving me a hard time. Yeah, I'll gladly sit here. No problem. Where were you? Where were you? What does say 16 minutes ago? Let's see.

Onnie told me to come in from outside to let everyone know how cold it is. Then I came into the bar and I was accosted by Yusudor, who it was bothering me about raising the prices of burr. And if you saw this tall bitch you call Arnie, would you be able to point him out in a tavern? He's that 22 ounce bitch right there. Okay, I have no further questions, Your Honor. Well, I've got some. Tell me about your day. Was it okay?

Why do you need to know about my day? Perhaps I've been brought in here against my will, and for no good reason. Why don't you tell me about your day? You need to calm down. Would you like a, I think I'm gonna give you a cup of hot cocoa. Coco? Yeah, I'm gonna get the skin off the top here. Oh, well thank you, Duggan. Already look at this, he's doing good cup grandma cup. Oh, I prefer grandma cup.

Well this is delicious cocoa. Well, I have to admit, I committed the crime. I came in here all full of piss and vinegar And I shot those fireballs that you said all when he wouldn't lower the price of his beer and you feel bad about that Don't you I do feel bad. You should get over here get over my knee boy Yeah, and stop drinking piss and finnaker. Look how do what I want to do. Is it good?

Yeah, together. One pinnaker, please. Are you one of pinnaker? I don't know. I'm still a little traumatized by what I've seen. I mean, of all the times that I've seen Yusador's bear ass be spanked. That was the worst.

It's a little rough justice. That's the way we did it back in the day. Even though I'm younger than all of you, I have an old soul because I was in chances. Your souls from another generation. Where things were much harder back in num days. Isn't it worth how witches curse in grandma's in chant? Yeah. Is there something there? Yeah. Is something there for my next open mic? That's more of something we need to write down

and think about. Like, I think that's more of like uncovering systematic sexism that exists in our society that like, someone has a weird nose, so now your curse, someone has a nice nose and other your grandma, like what is that? What's that? That's something, that's something.

Okay. Yeah, there's a lot to unpack? That's something that's something. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot to unpack. That's more like a scripted show. No, Dougan is actually unpacking. What else you got in that box there? Oh, look. I just had a little bit of ointment for my knees. Oh.

In case I have to go back down the ladder. That looks like it's just icing. Yeah, it's icing hot. It is not only does it act like you should doors fireballs, but it also acts like the outdoors. Because did I mention how cold it is? It is. It's very cold outside, listener.

Duncan, can I ask before you were enchanted by this grandmother, what was your childhood like? Oh, I had a really unusual childhood because I was raised by a single mother and she was a whispering mother, which you know, if you don't know a whispering mother, you don't want to know a whispering mother because of all the mixed signals they give, because they have a lot of different mouths, and each one has its own opinion. And while I do not know my father, really,

I have a few clues about him. I suspect he was a giant, but no, reason other than I really like giants, and so I figured if I met him, I would like him a lot. Yeah. I thought perhaps your mother's other mouths had a clue had slipped out from one of the other. Oh yeah, a lot of clues about whom my proper father is

have slipped out over the years that I put together. Did you want to take a guess? Because if you have a bunch of clues about who your father is, I have this envelope here. And it says who your father is. Oh. Do you feel like you have a bunch of clues about who your father is, I have this envelope here and it says who your father is. Oh. Do you feel like you have enough clues to take a guess or did you want to wait until you visit a few more taverns?

Well, no. I will, let's put those clues out there and put this puzzle together because I would love to know who is the father of Doug and Gullump. John, you've been carrying this envelope around for years. Yeah, I know. I just found it in a river one day. So these are the things that I have gleaned about him.

Okay. Yeah. So I know that he's somebody who used the door, not just to leave, but he used doors. Cause mama would always say, oh, your daddy love, your daddy really used the door. And that he was, I think he had a depression issue

because she was like, oh, your daddy is blue. Oh, no reason, no reason. Sounds like your dad, he's a real dynamic character. It'll be very easy to come up with a third thing. Uh-huh. Yeah, I think, you know, he's a magical man. She would say, oh, he's magical. But I don't know if she means that, like, you know, sexually, oh, right, right, right. Or literally, metaphorically. I mean, maybe a metaphor to wrap up in the simile. Okay, well, let's open the envelope, dug in and see who your father is.

So, let's see him take off the twine and it says, if you find this note, I drowned in the river. Huh. I don't know why I thought this was associated with your dad. It doesn't say anything on it. I just assumed. Yeah, just an awful thing. I don't think envelope. You've been carrying around forever.

Oh, maybe my dad died in a river and wrote that note after the tragedy. So sad. So sad to lose your father that way. Oh, I've lost him twice. Once before I met him and then again right now. Oh Oh shit, and I just lost the envelope. I don't know I'm so embarrassed. I don't know where that went. Oh, you so we look like he ate it. What the fuck? Oh, sorry Why would you eat that you this pretty of nothing left over? I, I'm sitting here, I can see he did not eat that.

Yeah. Woohoo. You sir, why are you cheering like you're not the father? Oh, no reason. That was the definite, not a daddy dance. Yeah. Well, there's no reason to think about that too long. In any way, it's time for us to take a quick break

and learn more about muffins. So, Duggan, I'm sorry, maybe this is a real obvious question. I may have mentioned I'm from another world, so I don't necessarily know all the things about your world. Could you tell me a little bit more about your mother? I guess I'm not unfamiliar with what a whispering mowther is. It sounds like a whispering mowther has more than one mouth. Oh yeah, they got a lot of mouths. They're sort of like, you know, they're shape shifters, they can shift around a lot. I want to think of it, I once met a mouther and the mouther said, mouther, tell your children not to walk my way. So it was kind of just spouting advice.

Sometimes they do that. Often they just tell you to clean your room and that you should have done better at school. But, you know, every mouther is different. Well, keeps you humble, keeps you grounded. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so my mother, the mouth of Clorinda, was her name.

Clorinda. Clorinda. I mean, that's what her friends call the, I just call the mom. You know, so for a long time, I just thought that was her name, but turns out everybody's got one. Do you feel like if you were friend more friendly with her, she let you call her Clorinda? Definitely not. You know, she let you call her color, Inda? Definitely not.

You know, she would eat a lot of people. So, you know, you keep your distance, you know, respectful distance. A lot of amounts of heat. A lot of amounts of heat. Mm-hmm. And a required personal space, she had a personal space requirement of 16 feet,

which made for not a very nurturing relationship. Well, it might not be very nurturing, but you have to assume that a whispering mouth, with that many mouths, someone like Colorinda could explain it all. She could, she really could. I will say, you know, she even though my father who he died apparently in a river definitely but before that he was gone and so she really filled in for him so that 16 foot personal distance was really good because I got good at catch really early

oh yeah I'm talking how old are you exactly oh don't know. But I'm gonna guess about 22. Oh, that's what I'm saying. And what about this tomato right here? Oh shit, he caught it. He really is good at catch. That's right. I wasn't even looking in that general direction. I caught it totally to the side of my temple.

Mmm, amazing. Doug and Crayonskins is that important. But whenever your mother would eat someone, would they yell like, Malther, ooh, I don't want to die. I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all. They definitely said that last part. And they would say, I wish I'd never been born at all. Ooh.

As they died. We don't need to talk about that, but nothing really matters. It was sometimes quite comical to watch you eat a person because she would, have you ever seen anything where you just grab somebody by the foot and then you put the entire body in your mouth and then you would just pull it out and it's just bones.

Oh. Oh, hilarious. Arnie, you said you called that heath clipping before? Yeah on earth we call that heath clipping. Oh, she would heath clip anybody. A cleric, a warrior, a squirrel. Holy cow. Out of wizard. What's that? That makes sense because I used to know Tim and Claire and now it's just Tim so I think I know the clear she Probably This is personal question, but I've noticed kind of on your shoulder Mm-hmm your shirt seems to pucker a little bit aren't yeah, what's on it? You don't know if that's personal. That's about as personal as it gets

I'm just asking about a shoulder pocker. Uh, please, Doug, forgive Arnie. He's from another world. He doesn't know. He doesn't know the sadder ways. Are you talking about just because I'm wearing flax and cloth and that it's itchy? And so sometimes my shoulder just moves underneath

the itchiness of the fabric? Sure, yeah, the flax and cloth probably. Yeah, I mean, okay, you found me out Arnie. That's not just a shoulder. It's also another mouth. But it has very controversial opinions. Oh, no, maybe let's keep this mouth covered up. Yeah, that's what I really try to do is keep it covered up because you never know what it's gonna say. Sure. I mean, I hope it isn't something like, I hate muffins, right? me Yeah, because although it's personality is different. It's still my shoulder. Sure

And you just got like an undigested muffin your shoulder something that you know that's gonna stain my flexing cloth Yeah, you know what Arnie if you don't tell anybody about this I will share my my secondary mouth with you Let me refresh that because I'm not gonna share my secondary mouth with you. I mean, let me refresh that, because I'm not gonna share my secondary mouth with you. Aww. We're not that kind of friend. No, sure, sure. You'd have to buy me at least a couple of suppers.

Yeah, not like me. Sure, and what? What's that name? Nothing, nothing, nothing, go ahead. Yeah, and like I said, Doug, and this is being recorded, but still, please, I'd love to hear from your secondary mouth, your other mouth, your shoulder mouth.

All right, here, let me undo this. I've got a lot, I've got a lot of wooden closures here, so give me a second. Hey, hey, I know you, you need need to you need to shave that face. You look real dumb motherfucker. Oh So I have fur in my face. Is it me? I'm talking to all three you bitches. What oh yeah? Well your mother has a mouth on her neck and the bitch chews like this. Oh, that is too acupit. Oh, that was rude You must know her. I don't I'm sorry. I know that was so fucking rude. I'm so sorry Do we also address you as Doug and I'll do you have your own name? No, motherfucker got my own name. Oh, what is your name? Bill hi Bill. I'm Yusudor the wizard. I'm not going to shave off my beard even if I look like a stupid bitch

Within shave the rest of your face off Oh, you look better You sir don't try and reason with a mouth. It's for the mouth. What you call me a mouth sir. I'm so sorry So you're not so bill you're not a mouth. You're just a whole team. Don't get get into cement with me I will keep your mother fucking ass with what you're just a whole with teeth you know what you are getting on my last nerve you look at I don't have eyes but I could I can still smell that stupid bed on your face what the hell are you doing eyes how do you know we have beards I can smell them with your tongue is there a tongue in thereards? I can smell them with your tongue. Is there a tongue in there?

I mean I can smell my beard from here. Oh, yeah, everyone. You know how much snake smells motherfucker bad Hi Dougan Dougan Dougan Dougan cover bill up cover bill up cover bill up cover bill up. I know right I don't like his potty mouth. Yeah, I think you have an insult orifice. And if there's no digestive system in your shoulder, it probably is a potty mouth. I never really thought about it that way. Oh, oh.

Oh, but wait, what is this? Coming through the top of your shirt, where Bill's mouth is. As Bill was being an insult orifice, look, he made comedy jam. Oh, you could use that in your muffins. Sprint it on my muffin. Careful careful. Don't eat it. It might make you go deaf Why would it make me go deaf?

You sir you say that about everything I eat it might be a deaf comedy jam. Maybe Made all of us mute Now I'm talking and you know again I apologize if this is too personal a question. I notice sort of on the side of your stomach there's just kind of puckering. Yeah okay you got me I got a third mouth. A tertiary orifice. You want to meet him? I think we have to. Yeah, I think at this point, yes, of course. All right, but if you need advice,

you better ask it as soon as you come talk because you won't stay out for long, but he's got folksy wisdom. No, you think of something you want to advice on. Oh, okay. Okay, I got a series of different wooden closures, so let me get those open. I didn't notice before how many wooden enclosures there are all over this flax and garment.

You know, I'm really into buttons, so I got way more than I need. That sounds like a grandma thing to me, make sense. Alright, here you go. Hey, boys. Hey, Mouth. Um, you know, it's a new year. Uh, what should we do to kind, you know it's a new year. Uh, what should we do to kind of commemorate it being a new year? Well, if I was here, I'd make sure I went to the zoo this year because there's some animals

that need petting. So make sure you go to the petting zoo, not the regular zoo. Sure. Go to the regular zoo. You might lose a finger. Oh, that's great. You know, I regular Zeus. You're not losing a finger. Oh, that's great. You know, I always forget there's so many Zeus around Foon

and there's so many animals that, a lot of them I know are a fed relationships with, who they all, you know, can play about not being fed enough. That's wonderful, guys. Thank you. I also have a question for you. Mouth, I'm use it all nice to meet you. Hey, what's the best way to fake your own death?

Well, the best thing to do is make sure a crowd is assembled, and then, um, but stand at some distance from them, have to do something really that attracts a lot of attention, and then, uh, stand behind a fire and scream as though it's engulfing you, and then, uh, dip down behind a rock or a tree, whatever is nearby object that will allow you to secret yourself. That'll work on chunt. Huh? Not a mouth, can I ask? Do you have ears?

Or are you connected to ears in any way? I'm, I'm distantly connected to ears. So it sounds like you're in a big ol' echo room. So I hear a lot of reverberation on your voice, reverberations. I call it revered because I've been saying it so much. We don't echo we so I hear a lot of reverb on your voice with vibrations I call it revert because I've been saying it so much. I don't got time to say home Relations every time I'm sure and we're saying reverbs re adjectives renowns mouth Sorry, my compatriots did not ask this mouth. Do you have a name?

Well, of course I do they call me tennis It's a pleasure to meet your tennis nice to meet you, tennis? Nice to meet you, tennis. It's good to meet you, boys. Tennis, you have all this folksy wisdom, but what about yourself? What are your dreams and ambitions? I won't give up on him a long time ago. You know, if my dream was to be part of an abdomen, I would have lived a great life town. But my dream was at one time to be a splinter. I wanted to go part of an abdomen. I would have lived a great life term. But my dream was at one time to be a sprinter.

I wanted to go to major competitions, but I did not have legs in my own. So sometimes when you just don't have the things that you wish you had, you just give up on that and you just settle for what you do, guy, and enjoy that. So you know what I do from time to time I require a lemon That's all a lemon yeah some kind of an astringent

astringent citrus so a lemon a grapefruit and I just you know I've tasting because I do got a tongue and I do got teeth I can't swallow it so you know we don't stay something to make you pucker. Yeah, you know How I want to get these little flex and material to pucker Tennis have you ever had a blood orange? Oh Love a good blood on but they are hard to get when it's as cold as it is right now. It is cold, thank you. That allow me to gift you this one that I've been saving. Oh goodness gracious. Look at that.

You can share it with Doug and if you like. Oh no way. Doug can get all kinds of good stuff that he wants! Rare! That old tennis gets a good thing that ow. Wow, tennis is looking at that blood orange like he's 15 and in love. Yeah, with his mouth. You can read a lot of intention on that mouth for sure. Yeah, it's got mouth eyes. You never heard the expression mouth eyes? Oh, sure. Yeah, my mouth eyes are up here.

Oh, blood orange. Oh, look at that color on you. Oh, this is not... This is becoming... He's addressing it with his mouth. Oh, I bet your juicy is out there. Cyber-grite, give it him this blood orange. I hadn't had this thought previously in this episode, but this is starting to sound a little dirty.

Oh, blood orange, I'm peeling you so good. I'm gonna take you section by section and just drain you all fluids. Oh, he's talking so smoothly. I thought Tennis would make a racket. Come here, Blood Orange. All you better be glad I don't have digits. Duggan, I promise we should leave 10 S alone

with the blood orange. Yeah, just show that down here in this shirt over here. Duggan, is it difficult living with you? You know, they embarrassed me all the time. I'm very uncomfortable with both of them and the attitudes. Sure. I hate to mention this, but your shirt does say, ask me about my barbershop trio.

Uh-huh. Oh yeah. Would you like to hear a quick song or two? Is that gonna be a... Yeah. ...a tenacen bill? Oh, uh, if it must be, I will be. Uh huh. Yeah.

Uh, most of the songs are muffin-related. Mm-hmm. Okay. Because we've written a lot of jingles for the muffin sales. Yeah, even if it's just two to three lines. Oh, yeah. Here. Let me remove, let me remove my shirt entirely. Let me take this tunic off. Now, don't be embarrassed because I've got an extensive array of moles that form constellations. You know, pay no attention to that, unless you wanna see Orion's belt or something.

All right, if you wanna get going, you're better not stop, you better eat this muffin top. Oh no! My mouth's fucking. Oh, beautiful. Oh, beautiful. Wow, it's wonderful. It was amazing how they all three sang at the exact same time.

Yeah, one of them provides the lyrics. The other one provides support by saying, oh yeah. And then the last one provides a bit of excitement and sort of a cold action. I love it. Bit of a hype man. Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot.

Well, I'm glad we got back on track because I want to talk about muffins. Oni, what are the muffin related questions to you? Ah. Well, Dougan, would you mind if we quickly answer some emails? No, I don't know what that is, but if it's anything like an e-snale, then I would definitely love to just cook it up and put it in a muffin. Well, I don't know if you can eat this,

but maybe with your mind. Here's a thing, honey. Honey, did you just gloss right over that? Have you known Denise? You don't know what Denise is? No, what's Denise's nail? It's an evaporated snail. Oh, it's very rich and dense and delicious.

I thought it was a snail on Exacy. Oh, you know when you go to the club and there's a trail of slime and you follow that trail, then there's like a snail just out of its fucking mind touching a sweater. Sure. Although dug in from a look on your face, I feel like there's a third thing

that an e-snail might be. Oh, yes, it is definitely an everyday snail. It's sort of like a snail for short short. Well it's a snail but very relatable you know it's like the every man of snails. Oh yeah. That makes sense. Well hominemes. Sorry Arnie go ahead. Oh left ten at hominem. His power grows. Oh that bastard. Anyway I have an email from a listener by the way listeners if you want to email us you can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies.it's a real email address. Thank you for saying email from a listener, not a fan.

Oh, yes, we can't make that assumption. Please, don't assume. Don't assume. If you are a fan, please say so in the email. And if you are a fan, sign your emails, don't die. So spoiler alert, this is a very rude email because it does not end with, uh, don't die. But here's the email. Hey guys, love the podcast one question

So Tormelene paid for the tavern completely with her Faberier egg that she earned Raising the unnamed town before her interview She was hired and then immediately bought the tavern so technically she's your boss now, right? Oh shit. is that right? You said you bought the tavern with some treasure that definitely included the Fabricie egg, like how much of it does tourmaline own? I don't know, maybe I'm just the manager. Fuck, Arnie, this premise sounds like one of those things, what did you

call them on Earth? A shit com? Yes. Yeah, who's the boss? You said that was your favorite shitcom? Mm-hmm. Ayo! Oh, hey! That's a lot. People on Earth are loving it if they have any idea what I'm talking about,

which means they're old. Which is why when you came here and you're trapped in this world, that is so foreign to you that you named your wagon the Milano. Mm-hmm. Yep. You were also saying you wanted to pull

some questions from the Patreon. Oh yes, yes, we got a message from someone, Stephanie Oliver. Stephanie Oliver wrote, all I want for Winter Solstice is for Chant to read my email. Oh, it's after Winter Solstice. Oh, yeah, it's past. Sorry.

Well, there's still some holidays lingering about. It takes a little while. Yiyank! Let me read this email here from Stephanie. Go ahead. Hey, Chuck, you're using it or an Arnie. And I assume, guess it's implied. I'm ready to tell you guys that you have been such a huge help

in my life during some of the most intense times of my life. I struggled for many years with some addiction to some more glob slash red potion-like Earth substances. They caused me and those around me a lot of pain. Last year I got myself some help and now I'm 18 months clean. Oh, that's fantastic. That's great, congratulations.

Congratulations. Steph continues life is beautiful when you can genuinely laugh again and you guys have given me so many laughs. I consider you my boon companions and thank you for all you do for food and earth alike. Love and rainbow bowls, Steph, PS, you may say my name if you do end upune and Earth alike, love and rainbow bowls, Steph, PS, you may say my name if you do end up reading this.

We did. I wish to give her a doily. Oh, that's so generous, Doug, and how kind. I am going to put a smiley face in the middle of it. So Steph, look for that doily behind any birking I assume, and we love you, and Steph, you're welcome to Fune anytime. So please come visit. The end we're really proud of you and also Steph, listeners, fans. If you find it doily behind a Burger King, do not pick it up.

That is Steph's Doily. We love getting messages like the one Steph sent in because we get so many messages that we don't read on the show about the ways we've ruined people's lives. Yeah, that is true. Thousands of emails that are like, I would like to damn you for making my life worse. The last three years of my life have been pretty easy and good and somehow listening to you made it worse. Those are listeners in that fan.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Most of them say I listened to a couple minutes of one episode and that ruined their life for three years. Oh, yeah, you'd be surprised. Yeah. Well, they'd be surprised. Yeah. Well, they would be a fool not to listen to this episode

because how else will you get amazing deals on muffins that you can't get anywhere else? We are not bluffing. Eat these muffins. I'm workshopping it. Ha ha. Fine, I'll take two orders of muffins. If you get a third order, you get one for free.

Fuck. So, only a full order two and not the third. Wait, so if I order three, I get the fourth free, or if I order three, I get that third one free. Yeah, that third one is free, if you order three, but if you order two, you only get two. What? Fuck, why are they said my order? I mean, yeah, I know, you blew it.

Next time. What if I don't order any? What do I get them? Oh, my mother might visit you. Oh shit. Okay, so to make up for my mistake, I'm gonna order six muffins so that I get two for free. Is that okay? Okay, and Arnie, you're gonna get heathclift.

Don't worry Arnie, I think I can say something nice to her that will change her mind. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to go hide out on the moors. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Well, better Heathcliff than Marmaduke. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, the Mirror Universe version of Comedy Bang Bang, as evidenced by our goatee. Wizard's Choice Award nominee, user of the blue, was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy.

Doug and Glamp, the muffin baker, was played by special guest Rick Walker. When asked for credits or things he'd like to plug, Rick refused. And while in 2021 we might have begged him for information, in 2022 we are abandoning any behavior that doesn't serve us, as we are so tired of handing away our power. Hello from the Magic Taffern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Taffern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free versions of every episode, and two new bonus episodes every month. And if that's not enough you greedy minxes, last week all seven episodes of the Spin-Off series, I am Spin

Tax, the podcast, were added to the Patreon feed, just like that. For more information on the bonus episodes and lots of other Patreon perks, stop by patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, that young and adult Refi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic tavern theme by Andy Poland. you