Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 13 - Hairdresser

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

A very strange local hairdresser named Ahag stop by the tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAhag: Colleen DoyleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ours. Or, if you simply don't know how to search for other podcasts, many of which are better written, acted, and rated than this one, we are not going to show you. Let's just enjoy this tiny pocket of time where you don't know any better, like the first 20 minutes of Rapunzel where she's totally content with the tower. Now, chase those dreams of better podcasts out of your drafty mind. Wrap complacency around you like a warm mediocre blanket. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food, and I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you

need to know. Six and three-fourths years ago, I found through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload this podcast, recorded in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of nibble bottom, at the foot of the unnamable mountain, in the magical land of fun. at the foot of the Unnamable Mountain in the magical land of food. And I am joined, as always, by my two co-hosts. I get the feeling one of them is a little upset that I didn't like give him enough time. Last week, John, John, what?

Yeah, I'm a little worried about you, Sidor, that I, you know, we were a little rough on him and didn't give him enough time in the episode and he is dying. Yeah, you sort of changed topics in the middle of his intro. He only has so many intros left. Also, I feel so bad last week. I paid those adventurers four years ago

to set up this whole chaotic plot to piss him off and I just feel like I should have foreseen that one day he would die and we should treat him better He's our friend. I know and I know technically he's only gonna like he's gonna pretend to die in one week But still protecting him. He's probably gonna fucking die. Yeah, he's committed. Hey, I have an idea. Arnie. Are you with me? One we should pay him back for all the damage that the wrestling match last week caused at the We should pay him back from the new today's episode should just be an hour long of him doing his name in tro Just like 40 times in a row wouldn't that be fun for him? I that would be he would love that to just say his name 40 times in a row

Let's do that. Yeah, let's do that. Hey buddy, you see. You see. How are you, Adi? You didn't really introduce me. Oh, you're right. And dear listeners, here's my other co-host.

I love him. He's great. He's dying in a week. I'm going to miss him great. He's dying in a week. No, no, no. I'm gonna miss him so. I'll be fine. And I'm gonna give him the runway to say his whole name. I'm not gonna interrupt. In fact, I might walk away from the microphone, leave the tavern, go for a little walk.

Just so you're not tempted. Yeah, just leave the mics on for quite a while. Oh, wait, Ernie, what was that last line you said? Leave the mics on. That's a great tagline for our podcast. Hello for the Magic Tavern. We'll leave the mics on. Yeah, yeah. Hey, we got a use, oh, fuck, this is about you,

sorry, you said our new ad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not about us. It's about you. Oh, thank you. How about your family here? Okay. Ernie, we can do that for like two weeks and then he dies and that's fine. Yeah, we. Already, we can do that for like two weeks and then he dies and that's fine. Yeah, we go back to Wheelie for the Mike's Zone.

You know, I've been thinking, since you break it up, I've been speaking with the ice hulves and at first I'm so sorry to interrupt. Who you and you are? I am you, sir, or, Wizard on a twelfth realm of a fizziest astrophysic and shadow.

You know, I'm gonna have to manipulate your magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great holes of Taur't have the magic of the lights. Devour of chaos! Champion of the great halls of Trockus. The elves of Srinomius Fying, you're like, the dwarves know me as Zoning in Extinges, and I am known, and in the North East as Guest, my deus may star, and then maybe many other secret names you do not know yet. Oh, but one of these names.

Oh, a new name that I am formulating even now, so that I may take on another persona here in Weeks Hence. I have decided that one of my potential aliases may be Richard Jenkins. And then did you want to do that 39 more times? Then no, I'm good, I think. Fuck, fuck, we're ruined. Fuck, you start, I'm gonna cut, I'm gonna cut straight with you. We planned on the whole episode being you seeing your name over and over and over. Why? Well, we both wanted to apologize, me especially because, you know,

I brought in Coral and Tiffany and we had this, you know, plot to kind of, you know, kind of, you know, rub, rub your rock and it, well, that sounded weird, but we had this plot to kind of, you know, get under your skin a little bit and uh, I feel like it just kind of, um, didn't even upset you, it just kind of made you sad. Well, could you be any more, can I, Vene? The- I'd look, I-it doesn't matter to me. I-I-I have put that behind me, but I have to think about the future, and my new life as Richard Jenkins, or,

maybe I'll take on the guys of an ice elf myself. And first I thought I would go live with them, and just disappear for a while, but perhaps I shall dress as an ice elf and take on their mannerisms. Uh, oh, or am I just, uh, act like an old man named Richard Jenkins? Huh, yeah, be some sort of visitor or something. Hey, can I hear your, uh, ice elf impression? Oh sure Here I am an ice-f

And I I jump from window to window putting frost on windows Here I go Pretty good. I sell right are you open to notes? Yeah sure. I feel like I sells don't and I don't know a ton But I feel like I sells don't like say here. I am I'm an I cell well then give me a prompt Pooh Banana I'm going to eat this banana wait no, Dildo I am going to eat this tilde. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Spatula is the funniest word. I am going to use the spatula to eat this dildo to use this spatula to eat this dildo. Oh.

Pfft. Perfect. Hey Arnie buddy, I think he's back. What? I think Yusler is back. He's not mad. I already got a city mort. Arnie, come back and tell me.

Come here. I'm doing a show. Wow, wait a minute. Unprofessional. You only got two steps down the ladder from the table. I know. I know. I was trying so hard to pretend like I couldn't hear anything, but I could.

I heard all of it. We have to work on your core. You sir Arnie and I were planning on this whole episode being us apologizing and then you saying your name for the whole time. But if you don't want to do that, did you happen to book a guest this week? I didn't book a guest. Did you book a guest? Oh, yeah, I booked a guest.

Oh boy, now that I think about it, that was a real root of me. I almost bumped our guest for you to just say your name for 40 times. That sounds like premium content to me. Does it? But it won't be. Well yeah, and I gotta say, dear listeners, if you have joined our Patreon, thank you so much. We really appreciate it. It makes it possible for you should order to pretend to die

and things like that. I, we promise there will never be an episode where you sort of just says his name 40 times. That kind of bullshit is just for the main feed. Don't make promises, you can't keep. Anyway, I'm so excited. I booked a guest. I believe she's the owner of a...

The splitting hair that's just a couple buildings over. Oh yeah. Welcome to the tall table. Is it A-hag? A-hag? A-hag? I respond either. It's never been resolved how you pronounce it.

Yeah. Mhmm. Well it's lovely to have you here, hey, Gag. It's great to be here, you know. Well I understand you're the pride of the spitting hair. Now why do you kill rabbits? Oh, the classic... yeah. No. Hair. Hair. Oh. Hair.

Oh, it's a clever play on words. Have you ever heard of such a thing? It's a homonym. Yeah, yeah, it's not that comes up a lot. We get a lot of people trying to put down their pets. It's not that. It's a hair cuttery. Ah, yes, I see.

I see. Well, what a lovely profession to beautify the world through helping people achieve their ultimate forms. And it probably doesn't help the confusion that I think this bleeding hair is right across the street from killed a rabbit. Yeah, yeah. Here I have gone back and forth, back and forth, you know, but we came up at about right about the same time.

So it's hard to we send each other businesses business, yeah. So wait, someone comes in to kill the rabbit and they're like, please, would you kill my rabbit? And do they, you know, you need a haircut? Yeah, oh, yeah. If they're saying rabbit instead of rabbit, they clearly have hair in them out.

Okay, yeah, yeah. That tracks, yeah, that'll happen, right? Yeah, it's, you know, a retail, really. I'll service base the industry. It's all about helping each other out through roses, you know, so I'll cut some of what's hair. I'll recommend they get a rabbit, you you know back and forth like that, right? Yeah, and then the next time they come in for a haircut, you're like, you know what? You should kill that rabbit

Yeah, it's time to go. We would have bad choice, right? Those are good pets. Yeah. Do you ever cut a rabbit? Yeah, I do. I do fair. I do horns. I love a shave a horn down. I do fair, I do horns. I'll shave a horn down. I'll braid a tail. You know, we have a tanning bed too. Wow, Arnie, we gotta start going to this place. You know, I've been ripping out my, from my neck to my waist to kind of expose my jacked body,

but I feel like maybe we're due for something new. Yeah. Do you have a style horse? Oh, yeah. I'll style a horse. Give a real good style. You ever heard of a ponytail? Yes.

I started that. That's you? Yeah. Yeah, I was like, what if... What if it wasn't just a horse? What if it was a daughter? Yeah. I heard that Harry Styles started that.

You know that Harry guy who styles all the horses? Oh yeah, that he's a bastard. He's a bastard. You go out one night, I bet a one night, I told my idea. You were not telling everybody that he came up with it. Not true. He stole that from you? Oh, that is despicable.

I swear now. Should I meet Harry Styles? I will kill him. Oh, good. Look, we do want to run a foul of all the followers of Harry Styles in nibble bottom. The stylies or styluses or whatever they call themselves. They're very aggressive. Stylus. You know, I consider myself as stylists. I found out that all the fans of Harry Styles is in. So what do you refer to yourself as? A hag, my name. Or a hag, either one.

Okay, well that's wonderful. Well, we've learned a little bit about your profession, but have you lived here at Nibblebottom your whole life? Oh, ever since I could remember four years ago, I had, I was cacost, so I don't know where exactly, but as long as I can remember, I've been here. Woo, yeah. Cacost, that's when a murder of crows

dropped rocks on your head. Oh, no. Until the blackout. Yeah. That's very sad. We really need to be careful how we speak to A-Hack. Spray has a lot of jump, jump-dee jobs, I think is what it's called. They're brains, it's just scrambled.

Yeah, I have that. I have that. I have to take about six pills a day. Oh, boy. Oh, where do you get these pills from? Are they just things you do? The river. The river? Good. Oh, yeah. I these pills from? Are they just things you do? The river! The river? Good!

Oh yeah, I don't know who's sending them down. But they're coming down in a little tiny plastic toms. So, a fish and a bat are there taking up. Feels so much better. You've got to assume it's the goddesses. Oh yeah. Nothing safer than river pills. River pills.

And they're so bad for the river. It's good that you're taking them out of the river. Oh yeah, that's fine to the river. You know, I consider myself a friend of the river because of fishing out the pills Yeah, mm-hmm Also now I'm concerned that upstream there's just Like there's what aren't you? There's just a klutzy person who's in real trouble Every day's like I got to take my bills There's just a clotsy person who's in real trouble.

Every day he's like, I gotta take my pills. Huh? Or there's a very generous person who doesn't need six pills. Oh, yeah. Who's to say, if I start questioning it, I will feel as good, you know? Have you ever noticed, it's like hot dogs and hot dog buns that the number of pills and number of problems

they never match exactly? Oh, yeah, because I still got that bone thing Got that bone thing. Yeah, my bones keep going, you know They keep They keep going growing or going. Yeah, what did I say? Good question. Yeah, um, oh she's Growing yeah, yeah, I I'm over for my pills. Her pockets are so wet. Yeah, though those pills stay wet I don't know why I don't dissolve until I eat them. Hmm. Yeah, I sense you're here and since you know I've been ripping out my fur Arnie you went to a barber area the other day

What would you can we kind of consult with you? Can we pay you a bit of a fee and you can consult with us with maybe how you might style us? Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, first of all, we'll talk about pricing after. So do you want more for the comeback? Or do you want to look, like I said, I can tan you up real good.

Or do you want your fur to come back? I think right now I'm going Sans Fur. From Neck to Nip. Arnie, where's the nape? That's all right. Yeah, I think you mean your naplets, not your nape. Yeah, from Neck to Nip. From Neck to Nip.

Right. All skin from Neck to Nip. Fur everywhere else. But I'm happy to try something new with my fur like in the past in Hogs face. I went to the Lansd Bass where they did frosted tips. So I used to like frosted tips on my fur, and they'd also die, die, die, everywhere. But I'm looking for something new, maybe like a croff or some sort of, just something funky. Can I interject here for a second and say, it's incredible that that fish could do hairstyling

with a spear through them. It just incredible. It's a credit a lance bass. Yeah, that was wild. Yeah Oh, I have heels first. I'm on my feet all day It's it's on a competition. It's on a competition. I feel like that. Oh Lance base Does anyone else also think it's weird that that fish is assistant went into that circle? Oh, yeah the enchanting circle Yeah, trying to attend the fish that that fish is assistant went into that circle. Oh, yeah, the enchanting circle. Yeah. To try and win. It would be a fish.

So weird. Anyway, I'm just looking for something new. So I don't know if there's, yeah, yeah. Oh, I've got tinctures, potions, lotion, saves. I got conditioner, cocoa butter, peanut butter, almond butter. I got soy milk, peanut butter. Yeah, I think peanut butter.

Yeah, you put that on your bare skin. Something gonna happen. What you need to do is you stimulate your follicles. So what you do, you rub it in the oils, what you're looking for is a good base oils. That's what tells you follicles. I'm here, if your follicles feel the ear too much, they go, that's a wrap.

And they don't come back. So yeah. Yeah, that's great. That makes sense. Yeah, I'll take a peanut butter to help stimulate and do I come in to see you? Oh, yeah, I gotta apply it. I gotta apply it all the way.

And then we're gonna rip you. We're gonna rip you when I'm first. Because to remind you. I think you said rip. I think you said you were gonna rip him. I'm gonna rip him into first. Mm-hmm. That's why what I said, yeah.

No, already wrapped. Pay attention. Okay, so, yeah. I manipulated so easy. I would've ripped his fur. But yeah, I did say wrap. So, I'm gonna wrap you to first to remind your body what it was.

It was as we far back. Yes. Can I ask if you're so suggestible? Are you ever like cutting someone's hair or doing some kind of procedure and just making small talk and somehow the conversation accidentally confuses you about what you're supposed to be doing? I will only all the time. Oh man, people are mad at me.

Oh, I'm surprised you guys have heard the word on the street because it's... That's the word, you know. There are a lot of nasty things painted on the side of your store. Oh, yeah. Mostly my name. Right, but they are, they're right. That's why I have an almost strict policy. Please don't talk to me while I'm doing your hair, or for a whole wants to tell, because I will go off, you know, one time someone mentioned a drawbridge.

That's exactly what I gave him. It's true, you gave him a drawbridge? Yeah. You know, they're like opens over a moat. Right. Oh, right. I put a water feature up there, and then yeah. And look, if you're so suggestible, spatula.

Oh, yum. Oh, yeah, that doesn't. It's happening. Spatula, the fun is word. Oh, god, it's hysterical. And it's all I can think about, you know? Oh, have I mentioned I'm single? It makes me think of a spatula with eyes and a butt.

I haven't mentioned it, but it's written all over your face. Sure is. I, you know, that would have offended me, you know, 20, 30 years ago, not before. No, I'm sorry. It is, we should wipe it off. Written in charcoal across your face. Oh, well, it's hard to meet people.

You know, since I wear so many rings, people can't tell if I'm married or available. It's the only way for me to really get it out there. So yeah, it's, yeah. Yeah, you got to put yourself out there. You got to take risks. And you do have a lot of rings, a lot of bandanas, a lot of bangles. You got a lot going on there.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a big fan of Stevie Nicks. Oh, yeah. The hairdresser. Yeah, the hairdresser. Do you already, you sort of do not go to Stevie Nicks. Because guess what, your ear is going to get cut. Your neck is going to get cut. Okay, you're for it. I heard that. Guess what ear is gonna get cut. Your neck is gonna get cut, okay? You're far ahead.

Guess what, you're gonna get cut. You're gonna get nicked everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Oh boy, she's, I love her style, but her execution is lacking, you know? Oh boy, uh huh, lots of nicks. I've heard of the rumors. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but you know she did get caught in that landslide. Oh no. Yeah, so she had to stop cutting hair. Wild, wild trapped. Yeah, well, but yeah, well, yeah, she had to cut, stop for that time until they found him, right? I'm not taking any clients while I'm missing. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

What's your deal, army? You want me to cut your hair? Um, that's a good question. I did just have a barbarian pull my hair. And I think it looks pretty good. Yeah, I noticed before when Chant mentioned barbarian, you seemed a little, you had a kind of a distasteful look on your face, not a big fan.

No. No. No, I have a barberine. No, I don't like it. I don't like it. It's a natural. You know, your hair cutting is meant to be done by me, yeah, hagg. You know, I could really size you up and give you what you want. You happy with that? Um, yeah, I mean, although I will say. Yeah, when you, what do you mean you so are you seeing just I

Asked if you were happy with that and you just said yeah, yeah, I think I mean look This likes when someone says sure it's like hey you go grab dinner sure it's like wow Could you be any less enthused? I tried are you are you happy with Arise here? No Happy with Arnie's hair? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you through what needs to be done. Okay. And my defense, somebody did just literally rip his hair out. You're fucking old wizard covered in birch shit. I already know this is how I live. That's how I live. That's right, I gotta be nice to you. We'll be right back.

Now, A-Hag, if you don't mind, and I can foot the bill, do you mind giving a consultation to Arnie and then you, Sador? Okay, Arnie, let's see, you have hair on your face that I think will look great on your head. Oh, yeah. So you would like to put my beard where my hair is. Yeah. Wow, I can put your hair where your neck is.

Oh, but not, but no mustache. Put your mustache somewhere as a surprise. Mm, that's wise. A little treasure trail. Surprise, mustache. Hello, you know, that's what people don't see coming. You know, they think, oh, I'll see a mole. No, I'm gonna have a mustache.

Oh, yeah. Okay, well, how, how do you move my beard to the top of my head? Like, how is that even possible? Oh, we have to do. We make a nice, you know, shop line around your face and we, have you ever read the story? Face swap? Oh, yes, around your face and we have you ever read the story? Face swap? Oh yes, I love face swap.

Oh, were the two wives swap faces? Yes, two fool their husbands into making children different. And I would cut it and I would just turn your scalp. Turn it. You see that there's always one face that's kind of like organic, outdoorsy and then there's one face that comes from clearly comes for money That's very strict and it's like no, no, no, oh my gosh. It's the kind of premise. It's so exciting to read And then they take their face Swaps does that make sense? Oh my gosh. Yeah, wow. This sounds like a great

So that's so they don't have to switch levels, you know, they've swapped the faces It still works. Don't think about it too much. You know, suspend this belief and fiction. But yeah, I would cut you a scalp and I would rotate the hair parts. Okay. Classic scalp spin. Yeah.

And Arnie, I think of all the fun new nicknames, a beard top, old scratch scalp like there's so many fun nicknames I do like beard top instead of cutting your hair. You could shave your head Huh And you don't need a scarf anymore because your hair is at your neck Huh, I do have a sort of strange hair situation where my hair is naturally Brown and my beard is just black with gray. And it seems strange that they're different colors. Maybe it would be nice to have gray hair and brown beard.

That's what they say. I've heard that so many times in my career, I wish my beard was brown and my hair was black. I can do that for you, yeah. I like the chervinda that, you know, and people say, oh, it's gonna hurt. Oh boy, not as much as it hurts to not look exactly how you want to. Sure, that's true.

That's a good advice. And what do you do to minimize the pain exactly? Oh, I sing to you. Is there anything you can do to maximize the fan? Sing louder to you. Do you have a go-to song or do we get to choose what song you sing? I've never heard of Bohemian Rhapsody in blue. Oh, I'm not familiar.

Oh, it's so great. It's the style's different. It's weird. It's just, you know. Can you sing a little bit of a voice? Do you want to feel better or worse? I think worse. I think worse than better. Yeah. Okay, it's going to be pretty loud.

You know, I can't remember it right now. That's fine. That's fine. You haven't had all your pills today. Do you mind doing a consultation with the? Sridor the wizard over here? Okay, and here let me take my wizard hat off You can see my beautiful long flowing white hair and my beautiful long white beard Nearly perfect in every way already Has anyone ever told you that this age is you?

Uh, yeah, it's almost every day. Yeah. Do you want to be aged? Uh, yeah, it's part of my whole thing. Yeah, you say you're like 630, I can't, I can't, I'm about 350. 350. Oh really? 350, wow, you, you look, you think I look 600 years old?

Hmm. Also, you said, or you're going to die in one week and wouldn't you think I look 600 years old? Also, you said, or you're gonna die in one week and wouldn't you prefer to look like someone that's gonna die in like a month? That's actually a great point. I've decided to take on a disguise. Can you help me cut my hair to look more like a normal human? And I am taking it on the very foreign and strange name in these parts to draw us attention to myself, Richard Jenkins.

Okay, you're gonna be Dick Jenkins. Let's see. Right before he goes six feet under. Oh, all right, wow. Okay, that's heavy. All right, so what I do is I cut some of your hair off. So this is what I like to call the wizard in the front, the pony in the back. Okay. Okay. So what we do is I'm going to trim it up real tight, real high and tight up front.

Okay. And in the in the back, you're going to have a real tail. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to nod it up back and then I'm gonna put bows in it and everything and From the back people like I want to ride that thing. Oh a ponytail from the originator of the ponytail. That's right That's right many of us are horses, so Why are you feeling about that? You know, and then we could make up jewelry out of your hair that I cut off. Oh You know what belt. Oh, I love that. You said, or she's beaming. Keep in mind, she is single.

That is true. What would you do with the beard? Would you also trim it down? I would do a lips in the front and a pony in the bottom. So you see all your lips. I cut it so you could see your lips. Okay. And I would then, I would make the bottom, So you see all your lips, you know, I cut it so you can see your lips. Okay. And I would then I would make the bottom a little ponytail, you know, you had tied up and- Oh, I thought you meant his bottom. Oh, I could do that.

No, it's a lippip. So I'd have a ponytail on the back of my head and a ponytail on the front of my chin, essentially. Right. No one can tell if you're coming or going. Oh, intriguing. Confuse my enemies. Right. I am a convert to this. I shall see you this very week in your own establishments so that you can prepare me. So I may take this disguise on.

Yeah, people will be like, is that a wizard or is that two horse asses facing in different directions? Right. I made it sound less appealing, but all right. Sorry. Oh, I'd love it. Please come in. You know, please call Please call and make it a appointment, but do come in yeah

Usador. Yeah, she's Sooo. Oh, I see if I were to call upon you perhaps at a time When you were not preparing my hair Could we perhaps enjoy a meal together? Oh, yeah, I'm an orderly too. Is that what you've been? You've been notified some over a lunch or whatever? Yes, yes, it's clearly what I meant. Okay, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Chad, I don't think she's in to me. I think maybe she's more into you, Olli. Oh, yeah, I don't think she's into me. I think maybe she's more into you are on me. Oh, maybe, or maybe she's just enthused about her job. I can't tell. I can't tell. So wait, you said, you said, so you're saying if a woman just starts talking about her interests instead of talking about you, you're first. No, I'm saying. I don't think she's I'm sick. No, no, no, I'm saying I have strong a date And she clearly then made it about work. So I'm just I'm taking the hint. She's just taking the hint You mentioned it or she's a notary makes him no tisery. Did you think about that? Kind of trying to weave the two things together

Yeah, did you have that very obvious thought? No, it was right there No tisery was right there. You're right. I apologize. I love when people do that to me So I think I could do it to you. Sorry had to step away. I had to get my pills I thought there was a whole head is wet. No, I've got to yeah, I had to go back to the river real quick and just find Yeah, I needed some blues Yeah, that's why I think I think some of those are pebbles. Oh wait, mm-hmm hold on no, they're not Flintstone vitamins Some of the pills are blue some of the pills are white. Oh, no, I think I just remembered what's upstream at the river What that's where they buried the doughboy? You know the doughboy that had all those pills they buried him there

Pillberry Yeah, the doughboy Doeboy that has all those pills? They buried him there. Pillberry? Yeah, the Doeboy? Yeah. Well, yeah, the Doeboy that had pills, they buried him there. Oh, yeah. So they buried his pills, too. So I think they're seeping from the ground

into the water source. And they build a couple of huts over there, and they said they moved the pills, but they didn't move the pills. Hey, Hag, where do you get your inspiration? Oh, people. You like people watching? I love it.

I love it. So I'll take someone's hair and I'll put it on someone else's head. You know what I mean? It's like a miracle round in this town. I tell you. Is that literal or something you imagine? You're people watching. For a while I had a Mary go round

and I would just hold my she is close. You know, as people went around, give them a trim. It sort of sounds like, do you ever cut hair or you just cut hair off of people and move it to other places? What's the difference, right? Yeah. Wasted at whatnot.

You know, some people can't grow hair because they can help, help a patient. Have what's this again? This guy named Hal. He was around here for a while. You know, sleeping around. He gave people help a patient. And he was a hell packer.

Oh yeah. Yeah, I don't know if it was a curse or what, but people started bending. So you gotta hang on to your hair. I don't know if it was a curse or what, but people started spinning. So you got to hang on to your hair. I don't know if you guys know that about him, but you better hang on to it. It's currency nearly. Hey, Hagg, can I ask? You know, you've worked with horses and ponies.

You've worked with Halpacas and all kinds of creatures. Do you have, uh, Hagg, do you have like a white whale? Like, what's the one animal you wish you could cut their hair or one creature even? Oh, a narwhal.H.A.G. Do you have like a white whale? Like, what's the one animal you wish you could cut their hair? Or one creature even? Oh, a narwhal! Mmm. To kind of trim down their horn or? Oh, trim the horn and put it somewhere else. Make tons of horns out of the one horn.

Make them spiky. No one's afraid of the narwhal, you know. But if it's covered in spikes, oh, baby, give it. Sort of like a big archon then. I like that. Yeah, yeah, good people. A little collar of horn or something? Oh wait, are you sure, do you hear that? She just said I bet you would, and she matched you. She is single.

I don't think that many people. Well, do you think you'd ever create a franchise? I know some businesses want to, you know, open up multiple versions of their business eventually. If you ever thought about branching out. Oh, I'd love to, but, you know, you know, I can't leave town lawfully. Oh, oh, why is that?

Uh, yeah, what's going on? Oh, because of Arson, you know. Because of your son? Yeah, my arson. Yeah. Wait, who, who, who, who do you say arson? you know. Because of your son? Yeah, my arson. Yeah. Wait, who, who, who, who you say arson? Who'd you have to do with, with you, sir, with chant? Oh, no, no, arson.

My son, arson. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I see, I see. It takes a village. Yeah, he's too young to leave, so I can't. I'd love to, I'd love to, you know, when I can't. I didn't know, I didn't even know you had a son. That's wonderful. I'm walking. Yeah, awesome. Well, he's only two, you said?

He's two. It's a very cute age, though. Oh, you haven't, then. So easy. So cute. He used to do it. Oh, you know, Wizards don't know. You don't know what it's like. I'm a single mom. You know, moving hair. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Well, I suppose if you wanted me to take your son, I could trade him. Sold. Trade him to the fairy people in the forest for a wish. Yeah, I see you, sir. You're nailing it. Yes.

Every single mom wants their child traded. You're killing it. You should or maybe she doesn't want you to solve her problems with her son. She's want you to listen to her problems about her son. Why don't you stay out of it? What can you get for him? I, well, I could get an unbreakable wish

from the fairy people of the forest. You know, I mean, a change in child, you know, that doesn't come up too often. You know, I don't get a lot of chances to do that. So if you're really not into this kid, yeah, I'll take it off, fans. Yeah, it's just he'd be better off elsewhere, you know, like I said, I'm on my feet all day, I don't have any energy when I get home. Yeah, right. Yeah, I'm taking pills, all the stuff, right? Yeah, be better off. I've got all the spurs, nice spurs. They don't jangle dangle. That ow

You know, so hey, you mentioned that you have no memories of your life before four years ago Do you have any clues? Oh my tattoos Yeah, oh wait, let me let me get that smudge it so singling. Yeah, it's not coming off. That is a tattoo My tattoo when I woke up I said I'm single and ready to tangle on my face We're gonna dig more into that in just a minute, but let's take a quick break because I think we all just have to sit quietly and think about that for a minute We'll be right back. So, Aag, you said you'd have multiple tattoos that are clues to your past life. Yeah. TGIF. Oh, Rob was here. TGIF, Rob was here.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, Pisces. Pisces. So they're all, all your tattoos are words or letters. They're not like images or symbols. Well, there's one that I pretty sure is an image of the back of my head. Riddle me that.

There's one on your neck that says Kill Roy. Yeah. Did you? Oh, I don't know. Did I? I don't know. Some of the tattoos have tattooed checkmarks next to them. But the kill Roy one does not.

So I think maybe you didn't kill Roy. Oh yeah, you're a close reader. Yeah, some of these must have been accomplished by either me and I'm checking them off Somebody's using my body like a ragdoll when I was on catches. I don't know if you fight out you tell me But yeah, I run into someone in Roy, you know makes me nervous sure sure Well, what on your forearm looks like a maze and it looks like you get the cheeseburger if you get all the way through it. Yeah Star thing. I wonder what that means.

I don't know. I really don't, you know, oh boy. Yeah, well, yeah. I don't know. Sometimes it fits and starts. Things have to come back, you know. Oh, really? Like just flashes of your past life?

Yeah, cheeseburger. Have you always worked with hair or did you ever work with like, makeup or any sort of Applications in that regard. Oh, yeah, I've done makeup hair like I said tan you Like you'll tan a hide. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, is there another thing? There shouldn't be Have you ever done tattoos? Start of curiosity. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Oh wow, I used to do tattoos. Okay.

I haven't possibly gave yourself. Putting some of this together. Yeah, yeah. This seems like something I did to myself now. Huh? Yeah, because I am left-handed. A lot of this looks. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, both of them are on your right side. Yeah. Well, holy hell. Okay. It's like a diary. So you did Cosmotology? Cosmotology, yeah. Cosmotology.

Oh, what's Cosmotology? Yeah. Oh, it's where the Cosmos tell me how to cut it, you know. Like I'm saying ponytails and draw bridges. That's because the Cosmos tell me how to do it good So you get drunk and then do makeup? Oh No, I can't tell she's being so good Oh, honey, honey, she's laughing at you. She's always take it sincerely. What's that? She's laughing at you

Drinking she's single. This is how pretty she's single and she's ready to tingle. I'm not ready to tingle. That's a problem. All right. Okay. Yeah. No one's ready to tingle. I got it. Yeah.

The Cosmos, you know, the universe. Yeah. Like the stars and the, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The planets and the night sky. The gassy winds. They whisper to me, you know, the hot cosmic gases. They tell me when a trim, you know, yeah. So when I say, you know, the hot cosmic gases. They tell me where to trim, you know.

Yeah. So when I say, you know, I could move you scalp around, you know, that's hot, the hot winds blowing between my ears. I hate to correct you, but it's armled. Huh? It's not armled. Okay, yeah, armled. My bad. I don't hear a good cause of my voice. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha If there's anything you ever need, you are a neighbor. I own this business, the strange familiar, the tavern rent, or just down the street. Even though I may not be long for this world. If there's anything you need, please feel free to ask. Oh, are you going into the cosmos?

He's gonna die in a week. In fact, yes, I am going into the cosmos. I'm returning to the realms of fizziest in about a week's time You should or I think what she's saying is you two can still talk. Oh very true very true She gets inspiration from the cosmos as a cosmos. Talon you're gonna be in the cosmos So she single yeah, you could send some gassy winds her way. Oh very interesting very interesting Yeah, we could bang it out, too Very interesting. Yeah, we could bang it out too Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. That's pretty you guessy-win some you guessy-wiss No, come on buddy. I mean magic is pretty tingly

Hmm. Well, I suppose yes. All right sounds good How about tomorrow night? Oh, I'd love that yeah meet me at the river. I got a sieve for pills. Oh, yes, so do I. So I'll be there anyway. Great. Wow. I love it. Oh I was terrific. This terrific. Yeah. Oh wow. Oh Just keep spinning her chair around saying wow. Yeah, she's holding up a mirror to her own face Sometimes I forget that I cut my hair in the night. Wow, look at that. Yes, I did what to ask you So you do cut your own hair I wondered if you went to a different sort of Cosmos topologist or a stylist. No, no, no I don't trust anybody to cut my own hair, you know

Because that's how you know It lends a lot of murder in the community Yeah, yeah Competition you got a rastrate razor scissors knives Chopsticks tanning equipment So it's you know, it's dangerous, right? You got to cut your own hair plus some could cut your hair bad because they want the business, you know Oh, look at the city. Yeah, right. Yeah, there's swiney Tom swiney Tom. Oh, he's a worse. Yeah, he thinks he invented pig tails Oh, I suppose that was you too absolutely well, I was growing up. I had a pig that had long hair

Dot dot dot, dot. How beautiful. Yes, I, I, I, I, I, just say dot, dot, dot. I've never heard somebody say dot, dot, dot, dot. I've only seen it written. That was his name. Oh, I see.

I see. Oh, okay. Yeah. Can I, can I ask, I've walked by the splitting hair a few times. I do see in the window you have that sort of menu of what's provided services, if you will. And I saw that you do cuts, and I see that there's super cuts. What's it? What makes a cut super?

Oh, my intent. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's, how do I feel, you know, if I'm feeling great, it's a super cut, you know. Yeah, so, yeah, I'm word to the wise. If you want a super cut, just check my attitude, you know, at the door, right? I'm off from, but they're not always available. Sure. So when you go to the door, there's a little list where you can check your attitude.

Oh, yeah. Well, you can just, you know, walk in a-hey, you know, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, and I turn around, you know, just check my, check my face. Yeah. Hey, hey, this is, you know, the first time I've met you. Right. So I don't really sing it like that. So are the police after you?

Are you about to go magic trick? So a magic trick. I'm not a plant is what I'm saying. So I don't know what your different attitudes are like. Would you mind giving us a demonstration of what some of the attitudes we might come across? Oh, sure. Okay, this one.

Constipated. No, I'm holding a pillow in my mouth. Okay. Yeah, because I already had too many and I have to hold out of this one for a couple hours so I could take it. I got another one. It's um this Disappointed but willing to try absolutely ding ding ding

Well one for two and listeners. I want to make it very clear even though you're not hearing anything A-hag is really selling these facials Well, I told you I'm not gonna tell you where you come in, what my attitude is. You're gonna check my face. That's true, that's fair. Yeah. I'm gonna be able to read it. That's right.

Can you do happy? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Does that read? Does that read is happy? Yeah, yeah. It was, I read it is happy with a mysterious past.

Oh. To me, I was like, I it as happy with a mysterious past. To me, I was like, I get what you're going for. Yeah, to me, it was like you were a wistful for happier days. Yeah, I have IBS. Irritable bone spurs? Yeah, they're acting up. That's me pushing through the pain, you know. Oh.

I wish I could get one of these stools at work. They're so high, I could really reach the hair, you know? Oh, well, I'd be glad to create one for you if you'd like and I could easily duplicate one. Oh, I'd love that! Yeah! Give me off my spurs! Oh, well, I'll bring it over to you this evening. Okay, alright! Yeah, come by my place. You know, I live above the shop. Oh, you do Yes, well, I will bring the stool over tonight. Okay, okay What's wrong with I'll bring the stool over tonight. I'm just saying it's not I have IBS

Well, hey, hang this, this is Delight. Do you mind hanging out while we read an email or so? Oh, I love it. Sure, I mean, you probably don't know what that means, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Oh, all day, baby. Listeners, if you ever want to email us at the podcast, you can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a really email address. Here's one, the subject line is, stop being mean to dripfang. Bossy. He's evil. Hey boys, just finished episode five, season four. Glad to hear from Uncle Shangy Ragon, but I am extremely disappointed in how much you guys

were dissing on Dripfang. He may be bad, but I love him. He and the Baron should hook up, just saying, I don't think you guys read these emails anymore anyway, so I'm probably just shouting into the void, but for real I ship it, SJ. Oh man, Arnie, that sucks that we don't read the emails anymore. Do you have another one? I know, I just have one.

Have you guys ever shouted into the void? It is so fun. I like to say things like FUNDA! Come down and destroy this CAVAN! Or something like that. Straight into the void.

I like the idea of like just shouting into a void like two people you think should date. Oh yeah. Um. Um. On the end, Chuck. Oh yeah. Um, hmm. On the end, Chuck. Oh yeah, I'll try one.

You said, or they hagg. Just, you just going off the top of my head. Oh, well, have you ever been in that shop off the top of your head? Now that's a good barber. Oh, that guy, that guy off the top of your head. Do you know what that means? He takes your hat.

Oh, she takes your hat.'s a happy. Oh, yeah Yeah, go in there for a haircut. You don't have a hat anymore It's right in the name. We should know the name kind of thing every time I go there You so you've made me a little top hat and when I walk out it's gone Fuck me. That's right across from that place. I take your pants already not everywhere has to be a cross from another place well, that's how struts work. And you have to be careful, Chuck.

I can only make 6000 more of those top hats. What? That's right. Could you be making any more hats? Make me one now. Bing! Arnie is that really the only email? Chuck Lurbing.

What's that? Is that really the only email? Yeah, well, I just wanted to say, fuck dripfang. He stabbed me and sure the sword that he stabbed me with, that he made we'd later use to kill the Dark Lord, but still, I think I'm always gonna be mean to him. I'm never gonna forgive him. Yeah, and I respect him.

And I would even say I like him, but he's evil, and I'll kill him one of these days. But I do hope the two of them end up together. I do shit that. What was the term? You shit that? Yeah. I shit that.

I shit that. Oh, your RIBS? Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, we should have- My triggers are talking about. Oh, A.J. I just noticed when you got sort of, when you're making that noise,

you sort of scratched at your neck a little bit, and I saw on your neck you have a tattoo that says, I'm secretly a princess. Mm-hmm. Yeah, what's that about, huh? What's that? Yeah, what does it mean? What could it be?

Or could a cipher. Yeah, well, how to look into this? I don't know how, you know. I don't know how you look into things. I suppose it would mean leaving town, but I got that kid. That's a good question. How do you look into things?

I stumped all of us. Maybe it's a jumble. Arnie, do we have any more breaks to ponder on it? Or are we in the opposite? I mean, we could ponder it between episodes, but next week, you said we're gonna die, so we're probably not gonna have much space to like get back to it.

Yeah, Yusur, do you mind saying your full name one last time to take us out? Sure. I am Yusur, oh, what is it? I have the 12th realm of a V. You, A-Hack, you dropped this, this tiara. Oh, yeah, what the cup from? These pockets, man, I'm dropping stuff.

Oh boy, if it's great though, doesn't it? It does. Yeah. Weird. Wow, outside the tavern window, there's all these woodland creatures, almost like budding their heads against the window, trying to surround themself. Get out of here! Oh, I get fleas twice in here!

There was two birds holding up a sash that they looked like they wanted to put around a hug. Each one of them had a little thing they wanted to dress you in. Yeah, they keep trying to strangle me with that thing. I don't know what I did to them. Yeah, I don't know, I'll try to get to the bottom of it, but you know, there's tattoos in places I can't see good. You could be happy with that, you said, oh yeah, let's take a look. Oh, okay. Yeah, I can't do it here. I gotta do it later. It's a place that doesn't get a lot of light, you know what I mean. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I'll take a look. Don't worry. I'm going to describe this episode as having the same energy as three guys finding a bad in their apartment

That they all eventually fall in love with. Wizard's Choice Award nominee, user of the blue, was played by Matt Young. You can hear more of Matt as Doctor Amazing on the brand new podcast Dear Earth, I'm really sorry. A half hour comedy podcast about doing the right thing today, even if you accidentally invented a Doom State device yesterday. Ooh, Matt's giving comedy a try! Anything's possible in 2022. Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refire. No further credits. A Hague was played by Special Guest and first-time Improvisor Colleen Doyle. Colleen is the co-host of the hilarious improv podcast, Those Who Ant.

Along with Dana Querciole, a human shell containing the life energy of 1,000 eighth grade field hockey coaches, and who you may remember as the sheriff of Hawke's face. Those who Ant is available wherever you get podcasts, several magic tavern favourites have even guessed it on the show, including Matt Young and Tim Sniffin. Tim Sniffin, that's a made-up name if I ever heard one. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by the belief of children everywhere, and supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free versions of every episode, and to new bonus episodes every month.

Plus last week, all seven episodes of Season 1 of Masters of Mayhem were added to the Patreon feed. Who cares, you say? Good question. Masters of Mayhem is the series hosted by the villains. Baron Rhaegoon, fan favorite according to that one email, dripfang, and squibbert. So if you're keeping track. And who isn't?

The Patreon feed now has Earth Game Season 1. Behind the tavern, I am SpinTax, and now Season 1 of Masters of Mayhem. And I've just been handed a post-it note saying there's more coming soon, which I have crumpled up and thrown away. For more on the bonus episodes, the spin-offs and lots of other Patreon perks, stop by patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refyre. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Specialism by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard LeBan.

Magic tavern theme by Andy Poland. And something to keep in mind until next week. Dot dot dot dot