Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 15 - Aprel Füls Visits (w/ Asher Perlman)

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Usidore's "best friend" Aprel Füls, the gnome prankster, comes to Nibblebottom to say goodbye.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAprel Füls: Asher PerlmanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandEpisode Art: Asher PerlmanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it mean to be black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcasts. How much do you really know about black history? Like, really, really know. Wondery's new podcast black history for real we's black history's most overlooked figures back into their rightful

place in culture in the world at large listen to black history for real on the wondery app or wherever you get your podcast people of earth the following podcast is not real. But you know what is real? The feeling I have when we're together. See, I'm capable of real emotion, so stick that on your 2022 bingo card. Now, last week, one of our main characters spent nearly the entire episode on his deathbed. Hear that, podcast Oscars? That's a thing, right?

And sure, this week he's pretty much back up and running. And if that seems unlikely, well, the Book of Boba Fett seems to have become the Book of Mandalorian Season 3 and his CGI friends. So anything's possible. Now cut us a little slack while you sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the Dimensional Rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded in the tavern The Strange Familiar in the village of Nibblebottom at the base of the unnameable mountain in the magical land of Foon. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chump the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? I'm doing great. Hey, you know, I've been thinking. I've been working at my black and white smithery, and you and I have been going through a lot with used or dying. Yeah. I feel like it's been very stressful. There's been a lot on our shoulders.

So I made you and I a little gift. Do you mind if I present it to you? Oh, sure. I love gifts, and this is a a gift I have to share with you. Yeah, so I made one for each of us at my Black and White Smithry. So these are matching rings that

will bond us forever. They're very made of something very unique. These are Father of Pearl material. What is Father of Pearl? I've never heard of Father of Pearl. That's because there's a lot of absent fathers in the Pearl community. Oh, I see.

But I caught one. I caught one the other day, and I decided to kill it and to use its skin to make us rings. So here, let me just slide this on your pinky, and one for me, and now let's clinkies. Let's pinky clinkies. Pinky clinkies.

Okay, you're lucky that I really was won over by that rhyme. Phew. Well, thank you. I'm not much of a jewelry person, but thank you. Huh. Okay, not sure why you had to say that. I meant in the past, but now I'm all pinky ring all the time.

Just call me Joe Pesci. What's time. Just call me Joe Pesci. What's that? Just call me Joe Pesci. I'm wearing a pinky ring, I assume. I don't understand. That's all right. I barely do. How are you doing, bud?

I'm doing okay. Still a little bit stressed out about you, and I'm going to be honest, I think he's still kind of depressed that last week no one besides us showed up to his deathbed. And so he's extending that. I know.

When a friend or a relative fakes their own death, you want them to go quick, right? You just want it to be over with. It's true. And he's dragging it out. It's lingering. He's starting to smell, right? I know. Also, the worst part is...

Is it stench? Just to remind you, he's sitting right next to us. Hello. The worst part is, he's not even interjecting with a how rude at what we're saying all this stuff. I haven't been introduced yet. Yeah, not even a how rude or a hey mister or a... What are the other ones? Cut

it out. That's it. Have mercy. None of those. Don't you want us to have mercy? Yes, but I'm waiting to be introduced. I'm not rude. Oh. Okay. And I am joined.

Also. He's got real high and mighty. Sorry, go ahead. Sorry, go ahead. Pinky clinkies. Pinky clinkies. By my other co-host, he's on his deathbed, but he's still doing pretty well. Usador the Blue.

I was Usador. Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesias, Master of Light and Shadow Manipulator of Magical Delights. Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakis. The elves knew me as Fyeng Yalak.

The dwarves knew me as Zonan and Huxtangis, and I was known in the Northeast as Gaswanius Maestar. But now, all those who know, I shall soon be departing this realm for another. Look, look into my eyes. Look at how foggy I've made my eyes. Oh, yeah. And you've wrapped the blankets around your head like a little baklava.

Yeah. A little baklava? Yeah. You look like baklava. You're so sweet. Oh, and you've wrapped the blankets around your head like a little baklava. Yeah. A little baklava? Yeah, you look like baklava. You're so sweet. Oh, thank you. Yes, as you know, I've shrunk my deathbed down and strapped it to my head. And now I can just lay here on the table. Yeah, I was going to say you have some bedhead going on.

No, buddy. Hey, wake up, wake up, wake up. Yes. Hey, we have stuff to do. What? I know, but I think everyone's falling for it. Usador, has it occurred to you that tying a bed to your head doesn't entirely read to people on first sight? They see it.

They may not totally register that that's supposed to be your deathbed. Well, I did carve the word death into the headboard. Yeah, and there is a chalk outline on the bed. I think it reads. There are a lot of clues. Now that I look more closely. At first glance, sure, you don't go, oh, that guy's got a deathbed on his head.

No one thinks that immediately. But you look at it a little closer and you go, oh, it says death and there's a chalk outline. Is that a murder bed? Oh, it's a deathbed. I get it. It's a great visual gag for your podcast. Yeah, and again, and I know, I feel like I upset both of you every time I mention it. It's a great visual gag for your podcast. Yeah, and again, and I know I feel like I upset both of you every time I mention this.

No, this is an audio-only medium. What a waste of time. Why do we waste our time doing this? But people can still smell Usador, right? No, I guess we haven't covered this. To keep up the illusion, I haven't bathed in weeks. Okay, and that's working for here. I really got that death stank on me.

No one listening to this podcast can smell any of it. Why are we doing this? Why are we even... What is the point of all this, Arnie? Why do I shit myself day after day to recreate the smell of death so that your listeners are oblivious to this effect. I don't know. I've been telling you time and again, you can stop doing that.

Stop doing that, please. I can't and I won't. Usador, can I ask, as a friend? Yes. How long is this deathbed period going to go on for? I don't know. How long do you think it'll take us to get Ginlevia on the show?

That's a good question. Might be tough to schedule. Some magical beings are harder to schedule than others. Very true. Deathbed period, more like a deathbed ellipses. Motherfucker just won't die. Well, here's the thing, though. I'm doing this for all of us.

If I don't die, then people will know I haven't completed my true purpose, and then they'll start to say, oh, is the Dark Lord still alive? Oh, shit. He could come and, you know, burn my town down or steal all of our eggs. He loved stealing eggs. Really? That's one of the really compelling details about the Dark Lord we've never covered.

He's a big egg stealer? Farmers would quake in their boots as they approached their chicken coop every day, and they would reach inside underneath each chicken to see if there was an egg there, hoping to find some ovoid shape in their hand. But oft, when they was left empty, they realized that the forces of evil had stolen their eggs. How oft? Pretty oft. About ten times.

I'd say off ten. Farmers, lock up your chickens. I've been saying it. I've been saying it. Farmers, lock up your chickens. That's a bit regressive, but alright. So, now, I have a question about what we have hidden in the basement are we sure the tourmaline dragon teen which thing hidden in the basement i don't want to

say it out loud because we have said it out loud many times and no one it really hasn't caught on no one has really overheard us but still i probably shouldn't say that the dark lord is secretly hidden in the basement oh right i was. I was thinking of our burn book. Isn't our burn book in the basement? Yes. Also, those dirty scrolls we found, we've been keeping in the basement. Actually, those are in my room. They're in your room?

Yeah. That's why I couldn't find them. Well, I was thinking of the art that we stole. Oh, yeah. After that big heist. That's true. Oh, what a fun heist we had between seasons three and four. I still can't believe I squirmed through all those lasers.

Incredible. Did I look good doing it? I gotta tell you, eventually Al Pacino's gonna come looking for those things. What? That's entrapment. Oh, is it? Listen, this Al Pacino guy can come and get me as long as he says I have a great ass. That's all I ask.

Well, I suppose if everyone's watching, I should act like I'm dying. Usador, too subtle. Play it up. Oh, death is upon me. I knock at death's door, and it is but cracked open a bit. I shall die but any moment now, as soon as a foot can be squeezed through said opening of said door. How's that?

Pretty good. All right. Now, I'm doing this for all of us, because if it doesn't appear that I've died, everyone will come back after the Dark Lord again. That's true. But here's my question. Actually, we have a surprise for you, Isidor,

which I'm very excited for you, but in just a moment. But are we sure that Tourmaline Dragonteen is doing a good job of watching the Dark Lord? Because, and maybe I was dreaming, but last night I woke up in the middle of the night and I could have sworn for a second I saw Blemish sitting in the corner of my room staring at me. You know, the way that he used to do back at the Vermilion Minotaur that was so creepy. Remember guys, remember the olden days when you'd wake up in the middle of the night and blemish was just there? And I'd be like, hello? And he'd be like, that's me in the corner. It's just terrifying.

Then he'd be like, that's me in the spotlight. He had a spotlight in your room? Yeah. Losing my religion. I don't know. I can't. I mean, I think. It was hard to tell. Sometimes he'd mumble his lyrics. I'm trying to keep up with you. Guys, let's all calm down. Hey, Ernie, it's gonna be fine

Now someone, some nice person Has left three cigars on the table here And I suggest we smoke them Let me go first Put the cigar in my mouth Grab this candle and light the end of the cigar And smoke it like I normally would any cigar Because surely this is a normal cigar

Oh, fuck I lost all taste What's going on here? like I normally would any cigar, because surely this is a normal cigar. Oh, fuck. I lost all taste. What's going on here? Oh, my tongue is numb. Seems like you got the one prank cigar out of the other two good ones. What the hell? Let me light this one up.

Oh, my skin's turning purple. I don't know if I trust these cigars. I'm going to take a closer look at this cigar with this telescope I have. Let's see here. Put it right up to my eye. Hmm. Hmm. Arnie, Arnie, pull that telescope away from thine eye.

Sure, yeah. You have a black ring around your eye like a fool. Oh, that's the worst one of the three. Who could have done it? Who put these cigars here? Well, you said you had a surprise for me. Does it have anything to do with that? Is this the surprise?

Well, you were so depressed last week that we put in a lot of extra effort and we brought your best friend. Could it be? Yeah. Aprel? Aprel, are you here? Ah!

Oh! Oh! Hey! It's Al Pacino! He's coming for us! I got you again. It's actually me, Aprel, just like you said. Oh, how wonderful to see you.

It's been many years. Ah, how kind of you to come and visit me as I lay here upon my deathbed. Oh. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah. Yeah, that's what that is. Oh, wow. I thought that was a really strange haircut.

Right? I guess it does say death on it. Mm-hmm. It just doesn't read. That's all I was saying. Oh, and a chalk outline. Because people... Oh, I get it.

Because once someone's died, sometimes a chalk outline is drawn around them. That's right. Yeah, that was my thing. It was like, sometimes, but if someone's on their deathbed, I feel like they don't do the chalk outline. Well, they don't do it before you're dead, that's for sure. Well, look, if you have better ideas for things that read deathbed,

I'd love to hear them. Wait, they draw the chalk outline after you're dead so when your body's gone they just eyeball what your size would have been that seems like a wasted opportunity to trace that's a good point you've pointed out that there is there has to be at least a moment where that chalk outline is being drawn around the dead person you're're right about that. You have to trace. You gotta trace. You gotta trace. That's the only way to make sure it looks pretty close to the shape of their body. Exactly. Yeah.

You saw her case. She dropped dead here. Can we trace your outline? Oh, yes, of course. As soon as I die, of course, a great shaft of light shall fire into the sky as I return to the realms of Ephesias. But then you should write, it'll probably just be like a big circle. So you can just do a big circle around the shaft of light, I guess, real quick. Okay. No, no, no.

We made Sean promise no more shaft art. Damn it. Well, Epril, it's wonderful to see you. Thank you for coming to pay your final respects to me, your best friend. And I have a confession for you, Epril, it's wonderful to see you. Thank you for coming to pay your final respects. To me, your best friend, and I have a confession for you, Epril. You have a confession for me? Aye, it is true. To honor our friendship, our boon companionship, though we haven't spoken in years and only met that one time.

Best friend. Best friends. best friend best friends I have to say I have to let you know that this bed is carved from the very tree I found in my robes the tree I planted

four years ago yes the tree you planted upon me that tree of friendship that grew into a great and mighty oak and that I then did carve into this very bed. And then I shrank it down to fit it on my head, and I carved death into it. I guess it doesn't read.

No, it reads. It reads. It just takes a second. I totally get it now. Oh, okay, great. Well, the bed doesn't read, does it? No. No.

Oh. Should I have taught the bed to read? Well, then it would be constantly trying to read itself, and how is that going to work? That's very true. But, April april tell me how have you been oh what has kept you away for so long oh i've i wish i could have seen you earlier dick this dick bisque yes yes that works yes yeah he's getting emotional he's having a hard time getting through saying your name as you're known to of the gnomes, I believe?

The gnomes, yes. Just in case anyone forgot, I'm a gnome. We call you Sador Dickbisk. Something I remembered, certainly. But Dickbisk, I missed you so much. I mean, we had all that wonderful time together for an hour, four years ago,

and I thought of you every day since, but I had to leave. I had to pursue my art. And how? How has your art progressed in the time since we've been gone? Are you a world-famous artist now, beloved by all and best friends with you, Sador? Kind of. I'm part of a trio of pranksters

now. Oh. Yeah. Because, I don't know, you remember my whole thing was that I was the prankster. Oh, yes, of course. Now I remember. Yeah, no, we all remember. We all remember. We all remember. This isn't a memory quiz. We all remember. We all remember. Yeah, no, we all remember. We all remember. We all remember. This isn't a memory quiz.

We all remember. We all remember. Person, woman, man, prank. No. Our memory's great. Yes, yes, we're geniuses. I would say we're geniuses. Arnie, are you a genius?

I mean, in the land of the geniuses, only the idiot is the real genius, if you think about it. Wow, that sounded pretty genius to me. So, yes. Yeah, I'll buy it. In a town of doctors, the richest man is the garbage person. I'm of the genus Mammalia. That's cool.

Thanks, man. So, who are your two other partners in this trio? They're my two known buddies. It's May and August Fuse. They're my brothers. They're actually my brothers. I don't know why I didn't lead with that. They're my brothers.

They're my two brothers, May and August Fuse. Well, not everyone gets along with their siblings, so I think to lead with buddies is good because it shows that there is a friendship and it's not just, you know, it's not just like a legally binding family obligation. Absolutely, yeah. And when we started our trio,

we said we are friends first, brothers second. And chefs third. Oh. We all like to dance around in the kitchen and prepare interesting meals. That's for another time. Well-rounded. we all like to dance around in the kitchen and prepare interesting meals. That's for another time. Well-rounded. I'd love to know.

Aprell, I do have to ask, practical or impractical? Well, here's the fun thing. They're practical, but we call them impractical, and that is the ultimate prank. Oh, you've upturned my expectations yet again. Oh, I'm delighted. Everyone loves it. We are shockingly popular. Like,

it's literally unbelievable. How is that? Yes, how could you be so popular? It doesn't make much sense. Well, if you laugh enough at your own pranks, then people will understand that it's really, really funny. And that's what we do. Every time we pull a prank, we just break out in a

glorious laughter. One of our main prank mechanisms is we have two of us hide in the bushes, which is easy. We're so small. Oh, yes. We're so teeny tiny. And then we have the third go out and interact with someone.

And from the bushes, we have the third go out and interact with someone. And from the bushes, we tell the third what to do and say. Oh, shit. Oh, just hearing about it, I'm crying laughing. And I feel like the family members that I don't really talk to are as well. Just dying laughing. Oh, we are the number one comedy for family members you barely talk to. That is wild. That is

wild. Surely there's better comedies out there, but no, I guess not. I guess not. By the numbers, we are objectively the best. Now, certainly, you could go see a play that's well-written and very funny and very witty and maybe even has some social commentary in it.

But why would I want to sit and watch that when I could watch three gnomes just be outrageous? Actually, one time we went to a play and get this. Two of us hid. We brought a bush. No. You brought a bush? We brought a bush. We hid in a bush.

Into the theater, yeah. To the theater. And we put it in the bush. You brought a bush? We brought a bush and we hid it in a bush. To the theater. And we put it in the aisle. Two of us hid in it. The other one sat in a chair and we told them what to do. We said, unwrap your hard candy now. And it was at a really tense moment. Yes!

Really disruptive. And we said, ooh, ooh, ooh. Cough several times now, and they have to do what we say. That's part of it. Actually, that's all of it. That's all of it, yeah. Are they magically compelled to do what you say,

or they just choose to do what you say? They're compelled by the magic of comedy. Oh. But no, it's not magic. It's not real magic. It's just they want to do it because of the lulz. There is nothing funnier than a person who is speaking through the mouth of someone else, and the person that they're puppeteering is saying stuff like, my butt itches.

And people around them are like, why are you telling me this? And it's just like, oh, like that is, if you could condense comedy into the most purest, most potent little drop, it would be that. Now, Arnie, why aren't you laughing uproariously at things like butt itches? That seems like that's right

in your wheelhouse. I don't know. Just cuts too close to home, I think. Also, how is your wheelhouse? Does it keep going down that hill? I can't know. Just cuts too close to home, I think. Also, how is your wheelhouse? Does it keep going down that hill? I can't find it. Oh, you know what you got to do is get one of those little stoppers for your wheelhouse. Oh, that's right. Yeah, just put four wedges under the wheels.

Yeah. But then it's really convenient. When you do want it to roll, it can. But when you don't, it doesn't. Hmm. Yeah, I have a wheelhouse. I live in a wheelhouse, too. That's why I know about that. Well,

Apprel, why don't you continue to tell Arnie the ins and outs of owning a wheelhouse, and while you do that, we'll take a quick break, and we'll be right back. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.

Binge all 10 episodes of Academy early and ad-free on Wondery+. Join Wondery in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Conscious Lee what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History well in that case uh Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Hey, listeners, we're back. This is the podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Get back in the bushes, guys. Get back in the bushes. This is the podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Yeah, tell the audience, tell the listeners that your butt is teeny tiny.

Oh, and hey, listen, everyone. My butt's is teeny tiny. Oh, and hey, listen, everyone. My butt's so teeny tiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then tell them that your teeny tiny butt smells like a huge butt. My teeny tiny butt smells like a huge butt. And tell them Arnie's better than you. And Arnie's better.

What? No, I mean, it would be funny. They'd be like, why would Jen say that? How is that funny? And tell them Arnie's better than you And Arnie's better, what? No, I mean, it'll be funny Like, they'll be like, why would Chun say that? How is that funny? Arnie's better How is that funny? Funny how? Like I'm a fucking badger here to amuse you? How am I fucking funny?

Hey, don't go Joe Pesci on me Pinky clinkies Pinky clinkies Alright guys, come out of the bush Come out of the bush That was perfect Oh man You could hit the road with that. Well, thank you for teaching us.

You know what I learned about being a prankster is that it's a little more stressful being in the bush than you would anticipate. Like, you think it's stressful being outside of the bush? It's a little stressful being inside of the bush. There's a lot of pressure on the bush. The person outside the bush, you know,

they just, all they have to do is... Wait, who made you say that? There is a lot of pressure on the bush. The person outside the bush, you know, they just, all they have to do is... Wait, who made you say that? There is a lot of pressure in the bush. Yeah, so tell them there's a lot of pressure in the bush, and then also tell them, tell them, trace a shaft. Fine, I'll come out of the bush. Did you cop me? Yeah, sometimes, you know, there's so much pressure in the bush,

we have to give a little advice to each other. That's just a tip in the bush, we have to give a little advice to each other. That's just a tip in the bush. Wow. Probably. We could probably scoop that up. And it's wild because we had, for the first time ever, I think, we had three in the bush. And that's worth one and a half in the hand. Oh, really?

What's the conversion rate on that? It's two to 1. 2 to 1. I'm not good at math. I'm not either. I'm not even sure if that was right. It is 2 to 1, right? Yeah, for sure. No, you got it.

Arnie, you did pretty good in the bush. I do have to say, like Aprel was saying earlier, I think you really do have to laugh at your own jokes. So you weren't laughing at yourself a ton. And I think, correct me if I'm wrong, Aprel, but if you don't laugh at yourself, if you don't laugh at your own bits and jokes, then you're really foul on your face. You're really foul on your ass when you don't do that. Does that make sense? Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah. And if you don't laugh at it, then no one else knows, too. So if you're in the bush and no one knows to appreciate you, just tell them. Please clap. That's a good bush strategy. Or hold your stomach and make it bounce up and down like you're laughing so hard. Or wipe away the corners of your eyes even though they're bone dry. The problem is guys,

you know, I'm not about comedy. This is a serious documentary podcast. And I know we have moments of levity, but I'm really just thinking about like what I can learn and share back with the people on earth. I'm just excited to learn so much about comedy and pranks from you. Well,

I'll tell you. Yeah. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Okay. I have a question. What is funny? Wait, is that for me? Ask Arnie. Well, I'll ask both of you.

Arnie, I think you did comedy back on Earth before you became a serious documentarian, correct? Yeah. You were a ha-ha guy before you became Papa Autour. Well, I was more of a ha-ha boy, but yes. Oh my god, I just noticed that pinky ring. Right? Wow, when you did that little hand gesture.

When you flared your hand like that, I noticed the pinky ring. That's cool. You know, I like it when people continue to let their fashion sense evolve over time. I'm proud of you. I think that's really cool. Oh, yes, we're both very proud of you. Me and my best friend, of course. We think you've really grown over the years

since we last saw you. Years for, probably only a couple days for me. Can I ask, you know, you two met so briefly before and kind of instantly became best friends. Like, what's the secret to your connection well I think it's just

you know we said the words and words are very powerful we all know that names are powerful naming something saying you're my best friend has a great weight to it and there's a bond there that cannot be broken when you two met that was a very powerful

hour. What is... It sounds like there's something sharp in my chair. What is that? It's in my chair. We don't know. You're sitting on it, bud. Is this attack? I got you so bad!

Oh, shit. Classic. Classic. I see! Ah, you've gotten me again, April. Oh, shit. Classic. Classic. Oh, I see. Ah, you've gotten me again, April. Oh, it ripped your anus. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm bleeding a little bit. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of blood. Yeah. I used the extra long tack.

That's the longest tack I've ever seen. It's a foot long. Foot long tack. What is the practical use for that? Oh, well, if you want to hang something on your wall, you can use a tack. You just push it right into the wall. You've never done that? But one that big? Oh, well, I guess it depends on your walls.

The walls of my wheelhouse are... Or what you're hanging on the wall. Right. You know, it depends on the wall and the thing you're hanging. Those are the two variables. Honestly, I can't think of anything else that could change that. Gravity. Gravity, that's another variable. Heat.

Heat, that's another variable. Maybe you just have too much tax material. We're thinking of variables, Arnie. Shut up. Okay. You have to name all the variables. There's X, there's Y. Yep, those are important ones. Time of day feels like it could matter.

Might could, I mean, yeah. Put it at the bottom of the list. Yeah, let's put, we'll have at the bottom, we'll have the ones that are potential variables. Oh, good. Yeah, we can cut those if we need. No bad ideas in variable listing. Maybe it's just meant for an optimist.

Huh? Just like, I don't know. I think I'm going to need this much tack. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm bleeding a lot. Yeah, game over. The tack went all the way up to your lungs.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a pretty bad bleed-out. I hear a whistling noise. Well, this is going to hasten along my death for sure. Yeah, to have that go through your anus into your lungs, surely there's some sort of cross-contamination there. Really? Your shit lungs?

Hey, shit lungs. I'm going to extend my neck so that I can get a good look at my buttholes. And, Aprell, while Usador's head is gone, we promised you some coin to come here and see Usador, so here's some of that money that we promised you.

Thanks, it means a lot. It means a lot. Thank you. I actually really need this. I'm in bad to the wrong people. Oh, no. Oh, no. Lone sharks or lone dolphins or?

All of the above. We got lone porpoises. Those are the bad ones. Oh, no. You ever make a bet with a lone porpoise? No, I'm smart enough to never do that. No offense. I'm dumb.

I'm too dumb. They're going to mess me up. They're gonna flip. They're gonna flip on me so hard. They're worse than loan sharks because they're smarter. Yeah. And they're unassuming. People see a loan shark coming, they know that that's bad. People see a

porpoise, they don't even know what that is. Yeah, they lower their defenses because they're like, oh, what is this little thing? And this is cute, I think. And is this, this is cute, I think? And then by then it's too late. The porpoise is barreled into the side with their nose and the person explodes.

Yeah. Luckily, I'm so tiny I didn't explode. But it shot me pretty far across the room. Woof. Oh, sorry to hear. Oh, he's back, he's back, he's back. Okay. How's your asshole? You know it's bleeding a little bit but it's not as bad as it seems Although I think

Even though I'm dying And we'll be dead soon I should probably have somebody look at it All my cash is sort of tied up here In the strange familiar so I might have to Take out a loan from an awol Oh here I'll look at it. Let me just put my eye up to it. There you go.

And then pull back my eye. Why's everybody laughing? Why's everybody laughing? Got a big round... What? What is it? Why's everybody laughing? I put some ink around my butthole. Classic.

Oh, that's a good one. Dickbisc, we gotta get you on the road We gotta get you out there, man Oh, wow People would flip for you Oh What is life like on the road for a gnome prankster? Oh, it's the best

You know, the shows themselves are fine But really it's the traveling that makes it fun The rest stops Just seeing the land. You know, I never really got outside of Hogsface until this. Oh, really? You know, but just like going around Foon and seeing all the different places. Yeah.

Life on the road's nice. And with your brothers, no less. I'm sorry, with your buds and your brothers, no less. With my buddies My brothers happen to be there too Yeah Buddies we might say It does expand your mind to begin to experience the many cultures

And geographies of Foon And learning that The world is so much bigger than We did believe when we were young It really is it's huge And now we know about another dimension. Arnie's. Yeah, my world.

So it's even bigger than that. And there are probably a multitude of universes beyond those. When you think of the realms of Ephesias and how each one of those may fractally turn into a nearly infinite number of universes.

Yeah, and each one has a man made of spiders. Each one has it. Oh, Arnie, you don't know the tale. I missed this. What are you talking about? Well, in every universe, it's said that there is a man of spiders. And, well, actually, that's pretty gendered. I should say there's a person of spiders

or some sort of spider person. No way. Yeah. I'm stunned you didn't know this. You've been in Foon for years now, you've never heard of the man of spiders? No. He's different than the man of spiders in other dimensions. I you probably have a man of spiders on earth huh yeah and arnie

it gets kind of confusing because some of the man of spiders uh look like uh you know 17 18 which is great and then some of them look like they're like 47 huh yeah there's a big there's a big age range in the man and the. The man of spiders. Men of spiders. That's hard to pluralize. You know, what about the one here in Foon? Oh, he's tremendous. Everyone loves the man of spiders in Foon.

Everyone sings that song about him. Yeah. Man of spiders, man of spiders. It's hard to rhyme. Something with spiders. He had some fun. Climbed inside her. Okay. Alright. I've had enough. What? Artie?

Really, the point of the song is that it's really hard to rhyme spiders. No further questions. That's the point. Man of spiders. Man of spiders. Likes to collect. Particle colliders. It's hard. Man of spiders. Man of spiders, man of spiders, likes to collect particle colliders. Yeah. It's hard.

Hmm. Man of spiders, man of spiders, likes to break up the room with dividers. You know, it's actually, when you think about it, it's kind of amazing that in the first verse, they went right to he had fun climbing inside. Because there actually are a lot of other things that could rhyme with spider, but they went right for it. Well, yeah. Particle wires, it doesn't really make a lot of sense. I mean, because mostly what he does

is none of the things in this song. If all the exploits in the song are just merely to make the rhyme happen, what the man of spiders does is he goes from town to town, and when he sees a crime, he says, Stop that crime or I'll throw my spiders at you. And he opens his great sack of spiders and he takes

a handful and he tosses them in your face. And Arnie, I know this is probably a little confusing. We should explain. There is an origin story where the Man of Spiders was bitten by a spider or active radium. By what's this now? He was bitten by spider-reactive radium. Okay.

Yeah, it's a sort of element that's been affected by spiders. Yeah. And can bite. Right. Anything can bite, Arnie. Anything can bite if you piss it off enough. Hmm. And he got pretty pissed off when a criminal killed bin uncle just he just an uncle

no bin uncle oh ben uncle bin uncle yeah and so that actually is that's part of his origin story too after a criminal killed bin uncle the man of spiders said with great responsibility comes great power and he was responsible so he knew that he had very got a lot of power responsible right i'm surprised you didn't know this already this is a really famous story in food maybe you know you might know his wife he did get jained to marry he got what's this now he well he has a wife. He got Janed to marry. They were engaged. Sorry, they were in Janed, and then they got Janed to marry.

Oh. What does it mean to be in Janed? Arnie, fuck. Do I have to read every book for you? Arnie, this is an embarrassing day for you. I guess so. I can't tell. Okay, have you heard of Octus Octavier?

Octus Octavier? No. The octopus with one human arm? No. Arnie, are you joking me? Such a sad story. Such a sad story. Such a sad story because you expect an octopus to have eight arms, and then if you expect an octopus that has human powers to have two arms,

but the tragedy is they only have the one. Oh, Dr. Octavia is such a sad sack. It is. I mean, can barely swim. Most days he drowns. But his curse is to keep on living. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

Have you ever drowned and then kept on living? I mean, right now well it sucks shit it's not fun yeah get all that water in your lungs and you're like I can't breathe it's not fun it hurts have any of you met this man of spiders oh yeah oh yeah I've had

lunch with him yeah what was what did you guys have uh i feel like well i feel like i had uh a uh bread bowl full of soup and i feel like i feel like he had i want to say i want to say like a thousand fucking flies is that right it was either it was either it was either linguine or was a thousand fucking flies. I can't remember. Yeah, one of those is his favorite food. Is he a spider in any way? Or does he just have a bag of spiders?

He got bitten by a spider-reactive radium. He explained this. Jesus Christ. Now, for a long time, he wanted to join my band of adventurers, but I said he was too young and that it was too dangerous.

So, of course, as his primary mentor, I took it upon myself to create a new bag of spiders for him, even more powerful than the original. And now I'm dying. And will he have a crisis of conscience now that I'm dying?

What will become of him without his mentor? You are kind of a father figure to him, aren't you? It's very true. Now that the uncle's gone. Yes, it's very true. I sort of stepped right into that role unwittingly. Very sad. But his

caretaker. Wait a second, though. Haven't I heard? Wait, I think I might have heard about this. April, is one of your brothers related to the Man of Spiders? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. My brother, you're talking about Mayfuels?

Mm-hmm. Yes. He is, well, he's a gnome, but he was bitten by an ant. So he actually also has powers. So he's an ant. People call him May Ant. And he is related to the Man of Spiders. I'm sorry.

So maybe, you know what, I've been overselling it. Maybe it's reasonable that you don't know the story. I know the story so well because my family is related to him. I'm related to him. So what I'm trying to say is the man of spiders is my cousin and I'm stunned you didn't know that. Holy shit. The man of spiders is your cousin? That is incredible.

You're telling me the unfriendly continental man of spiders who gives everyone two. Everybody gets two. His famous catchphrase. That's your cousin? Yeah.

I love that guy. Wow. That is incredible. And I'm sorry for calling him unfriendly. But he has a reputation. Yeah. No, no. He knows that.

He owns it. Not a nice person. He's very mean. Yeah, sort of underwhelming. The underwhelming man of spiders. Yeah. He's underwhelming. He's very mean. Yeah, sort of underwhelming. The underwhelming man of spiders. Yeah. He's underwhelming. He's nonplussed. Unspectacular.

Unamazing. What else? Just a real dipshit. He's just really unimpressive. Actually, now that we're talking about him... Why would he know? Yeah, like this guy, this is a loser cousin of mine. I barely know him i guess i'd love to hear a little bit more about your immediate family but maybe let's uh let's take a quick break and then i'd love to learn more about

your brothers oh oh i guess there's not time to tell you about one of his uh his enemies antidote well let's not time to tell you about one of his enemies' antidote. Well, let's just go to break. Oh, yes, I know them all. Well, let's see, let's see. He got bit by lightning. He got bit by iron. One of them got bit by a black widow of them got bit by a black widow.

One got bit by a hawk. The guy who got bit by a black widow died, right? Immediately? I think so. Yeah. Yes. And then the guy who got bit by the hawk specifically got bit in the eye.

He's kind of not that fun. He's not that fun. He's there. One guy got bit by the concept of America. I've never really understood that. Wait, you have the concept of America in Foon? No. Okay.

That's why I don't get it. I don't understand. Yeah, the only America I know is Ferrara. We have an America Ferrara in Foon. Do you know her? Oh, I've met America Ferrara. Yes, of course. She's delightful.

She's very charming. And as her name would suggest, she wears a lot of furs. Yeah, it's America Ferrara. I've heard she's ugly, but just her personality. What the fuck? Rude. Arnie. Inappropriate.

This is what I've heard. Still. Unbelievable. Aprel, what is, as you tour with your band of buddies, is there a sort of end game or goal to all this? Like, do you want to try and, like, have your own residency somewhere? Do you want to perform for the king? Like, what is your end goal?

We'd love to perform for the king. The king, that is the, I mean, for all pranksters, that's the ultimate, that's it. There's nothing you can do. You know, actually, I'm scared of doing it because once I do it, I'll have lived my dream. I don't have to fall back asleep and find another. I just don't know what I would do after that.

But God, I'd love to prank him. Do you have any ideas? Because, I mean, royalty can be a little um they're a little how do i put this politely they can be kind of wet inbred yes wet inbreds they're wet they're oh they're sopping they're sopping those sopping wet inbreds sopping wet inads. God, I can't wait to make fun of how sopping they are. Fuck, now I want a roast beef sandwich. I want a bread pudding. I want a lollipop.

Ernie, what do you want? Barkeep. All of those things. One of all those, yeah. Double it. One of everything for Ernie. So, April, you perform with your brothers. Are those your only brothers, or do you have more brothers than just those two?

I have a lot of brothers. Eleven brothers. Oh, okay. January. March. I'm a pro. Okay. Right.

We already talked about Maegwin. No, Aunt May. Oh, Maegwin is the Penguin that I Frequent That's kind of funny actually I personally Have an Aunt Gwyn And all of a sudden the wires got Crossed for just a moment

And I'm sorry I really This is not the most important detail but Chunt there's a penguin that you as you say Frequent? Yeah You know play cards This is not the most important detail, but Chunt, there's a penguin that you, as you say, frequent? Yeah. You know, play cards, catch up. Okay. Canoodle.

Okay. How do you know it's the penguin that you visited before instead of just another penguin? Well, it's a Megwin, which you can tell because any time I bring over some cookies or something, it says, may I have one? And most penguins say, can I have one? Incorrectly. Yes, I understand. That's good. You have the one smart penguin.

Penguin. Very well read. Very well read. Arnie, did you want me to keep naming the names of my brothers? I think I can predict the rest. But I guess I was wondering, is January the oldest? Oh, good question. January is January the oldest? Oh, good question. January is actually the oldest. Oh.

Okay. Born first and then 30 days later, February was born. Huh. Yeah. Are you sure it's 30? I think it may have been 31 days. My mother was in labor for a it could have been a full day, so it's hard to know.

Well, yes, gnome pregnancies can vary in length between 28 and 31 days. Everyone knows this. 28 days? Sometimes. How often does something like that happen? Once every year or so. Yeah.

And sometimes 29, but that's... Even rarer. Even rarer. Yeah. Not fur-rarer. No that's... Even rarer. Even rarer. Yeah. Not fur-rarer. No, not the fur-wearer. No. Wait, the fur-wearer is that someone that... America fur-wearer? America fur-rarer.

Fur-rarer. God, she loves fur. Now, you said June? Oh, sorry. Yes, Arnie, I'm so sorry. I forgot to tell you the rest of my brother's names. Okay. June. Oh, I already said, Arnie. I'm so sorry. I forgot to tell you the rest of my brother's names. Okay. June. Oh, I already said June.

Right. Let me start over. Great. January. Feels. February. Feels. I think this is the first time you mentioned February.

Are you kidding me? I forgot February initially. You forgot February. What did I say? I think you went straight to March. Yeah. Okay. Let me start over.

Let me start over. January. Feels. Uh-huh. February. What did I say? I think you went straight to March. Yeah. Okay, let me start over. January, feels. February, feels. March, feels. I'm a pro, feels. And actually, I have a different father. Oh! That's just something about me. Wait, so you don't

all have the same last name, or you do have the same last name? We do. Or do they all have different last names? We all have, we're all fuels, but my birth name is different, but I didn't know about I had a different father until a few weeks ago. Oh, shit. Oh. But that's why my

name's Aprell, and all their names are pronounced a little different. You know what I'm saying? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although they say that I might have the same father as November. Oh. That's one of my brothers, too. I'll start over.

Thank you. January. Feels. February. Feels. March. Feels. Arnie, where are you going?

Arnie, where are you going? Oh, no, I'm just No, I feel like I can Skip this part I'm so sorry, could you start over? I'll start over Great Alright, someone grab Arnie and hold him down

No, let go Let go January While he's being held down, I'm just going to trace his body here Just in case, just in case Yeah, safe and sorry I don't need to trace his body here, just in case. Safe and sorry. I don't need to hear all these. I keep losing my place. January.

February. March. April. Mayguin. Mayguin. June. July. August. September. October.

November. It's not November. Start over. I'm going to start over. When you assume you make an asset of you and April. Piedad meñez meñez. Okay, okay. Guys, let go of me.

I will save them. January. Feels. February. Feels. March. Feels. April.

Feels. June. You feels. April feels. June. You got to start over. Body, body, body, body, body, body. Oh, wait, I forgot. I forgot Mayant. It's Mayant, and I said Maegwin a moment ago, and I just wanted you to know that that's just because I was thinking about Chunt's friend, the Maegwin. Oh, I didn't even notice.

They can be your friend, too. Really? Oh. May I hang out with you? The perfect response. I don't know if you need any more friends. I don't need... You know what?

You're right. Dick Biscuit, you're my only friend. You're my best friend. I don't need any others. Oh, wonderful. That seems healthy. Use of our freedom. Well, I am dying after all.

I suppose after I pass off of this realm, you can hang out with Mayant all you like. Or Maegwin, either. I gotta get Mayant and Maegwin in the same room. I bet they'd get along. That sounds like fun. Much like when all the men of spiders get together. Oh, that's fun.

I bet the people cheer. Alright, but let's list your brothers one more time. Okay, well, we took a short break, and a bit of a fist fight broke out, but we've all calmed down, and I thought maybe would it be okay if we

read an email? Sure, yeah. Here's an email. If anyone wants to email me, you can email me at magictavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address. Oh, are they writing in because they know they don't have much longer before I pass? Oh. Hmm. Yeah.

Here, let me see. Actually, Arnie, let me Chime in here real quick You can always email me at Chuntwith6teeth at gmail.com And actually, Arnie, I have an email here that says Usador is dying? Exclamation point, question mark

Oh great, because most of my emails are about Flower, so you do yours And sorry, this email, it says It's from everyone It says It's from everyone oh um it says uh it's from everyone on earth and it says we're so sad about this so i just want to read that email okay why were you just looking at your little paw though no this because i well because my paw can be a phone if you think about it i know I wrote it down on my paw. That makes more sense. I wrote it down on my paw.

That makes more sense. Makes sense. Don't reply all to that. Everyone is open. Can you imagine? I can't. I can't. January. No. February. No.

February. No. Arnie, what's your email? Oh, here, I did find one for Usador. Hello, Magic Tavern gang, specifically Usador. And then there are a bunch of compliments that I cut out. I had a question for Usador. I remember Genlevia and Spintax mentioning they both had been nominated and won Wizard's Choice Awards in the past. What sort of deeds are award-worthy?

Surely, killing the Dark Lord, wink, would be a sure bet for an award this time. How tough is the competition looking like this award season? Uh, Shell. It's pronounced Shell. Swedish name. Well, it's, uh, thank you for your letter, Shell's Swedish name. I believe that I don't want to be arrogant, but I think this is my year. I'm going to be honest. You know, because while some other people have done some amazing things,

uh, Blorth unexpectedly appeared in the middle of a field and granted seven wishes to seven deer, who then sowed the fields with more splendor than had been seen in seven centuries. And that was pretty impressive for Blorth, who's been depressed and not doing much for a while. And he got nominated, and he deserves that nomination. impressive for Blorth, who's been depressed and not doing much for a while. You know, and he got nominated and he deserves that nomination. I'm proud to be nominated alongside him. And of course, you know, Eunice is also nominated in the category this year.

You know, I think it's very impressive to weave a web of pure lace, gossamer veil between one world and the next, and to speak to beings unlike any Foon has ever seen before. That's impressive, certainly. But I'm the only one that killed the Dark Lord, baby.

Huh. Kind of sucks to hear this answer because a few months ago, I asked you what kind of deeds get nominations for Wizard Choice Awards and you said deeds nuts. So it kind of sucks to hear this long answer to an email when your friend asked you.

I mean, to be fair, we did a Get Nuts episode about your right and left testicle, but it seems a little unfair. I apologize, Arnie. Can we cut all that out? Ask me the last bit again. Okay. How much? I already deleted the email, so it was...

Deeds nuts. Oh, yeah. You know, if I cut everything leading up to it out, it's not going to make sense. Right. But I'll do that for you. Okay. You sir, from this point forward, I'm just going to call you Mr. Deeds Nuts. That reminds me.

You sir, I forgot to mention, I'm starting the MagiTavi Awards. And this year, you're nominated for that Deeds Nuts line. Oh, I am? Mm-hmm. What are the other? In what category? Worst line. Oh.

To be fair... Wait, give me this list. What else is nominated for worst line? I was going to say, no chance got it down there. Come on. Hi, my name is Arnie. About six and a half years ago,

I fell into... Okay, okay, these are legit. I don't... Look, it's a very long scroll. It's still being compiled. Yeah, and one of the nominees, it says worst line, and it starts off straight, and then it kind of squiggles in the middle, and then ends straight.

Is that something? Mm-hmm. That's going on the list. Here, give me that list. What else is on this worst list line? January? March? No! April? Stop!

April. I'm so glad you came and visited me before I died. I'm going to die in three to five weeks. Oh. And it was so wonderful to see you one last time before I pass. It was good to see you too, friend.

You know, I have to go, but I did bring you one gift. Do you want to have this canister of potato chips? Do you want to have this canister of potato chips? Do you want to open it and have some? Oh, I would love to have some delicious potato chips. I'm so weak, though.

Could Arnie open them for me? Yeah, I think that'd be okay. Arnie, can you open the can of potato chips for me? I don't know. I'm getting a weird vibe about this can of potato chips. What are you talking about? Arnie, just open the chips. And hey, be normal

about it, because, you know, a normal person when they open a big tub of chips, they usually stare right down the barrel, right? Yeah, exactly. Because you're anticipating the smell of chips. And don't pay any attention to those gnomes in the bush over there. I got a tiny pot. I got a tiny pot. Wait, if there have been gnomes in the bush over there. I got a tiny butt.

I got a tiny butt. Wait, if there have been gnomes hiding in a bush this whole time, this episode is starting to make a lot more sense. Open the can. Not a single thing I said was my own idea. It was the gnomes in the bushes told me to say it. Okay.

My tiny butt smells like a big butt. All right, I'm opening the can. And... Spiders! Spiders! Spiders! Say hello to my cousin! That's getting nominated for best line. Is he your little friend, too?

Yeah, say hello to my little cousin. Friend. He's my buddy. Actually, he's... He's your cousin first and a friend second. Exactly. Now I understand. Yeah.

I've lost a lot of blood. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Proud member of the Comedy Listing Council. Lists of things. The inexhaustible well from which all noteworthy comedy springs.

Wizard's Choice Award nominee User of the Blue was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Aprel Fuels, the gnome jokester, was played by Asher Perlman. Asher is a writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and a cartoonist

for The New Yorker. And if you should wind up on a trivia team with Asher, when the music round hits, just remember, seeing a man at his absolute worst is the only way to truly know him. Check out Asher on Twitter and Instagram at Asher Perlman. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free versions of every episode and two new bonus episodes

every month. Plus, last week, all six episodes of Lost in Foon were added to the Patreon feed. Lost in Foon is a collection of live shows from, uh, when live shows happened. For more on the bonus episodes, the spin-offs, and lots of other Patreon perks

too exciting to get specific about, stop by patreon.com slash magictavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Refai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by SageGC. Special assistance by

Ryan DiGiorgi. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy GC. Special assistance by Ryan DeGiorgi. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.