Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 16 - Gourd (w/ Kris Straub)

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

A golem with a gourd for a head talks about his work with the Department of Treasure.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGourd the Golem: Kris StraubMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnee Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About 6 years and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload this podcast recorded in the tavern the strange familiar in the town of nibble bottom at the foot of the unnamed bull mountain in the magical land of Foon and I'm joined as always by my

co-host Chump the talking Badger. Oh yeah baby! How you doing bud? I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? I'm doing pretty good. And, you know, just trying to live life to the fullest. I think, isn't that a phrase that you said a bunch to live life to the fullest? Yeah, so I've been eating myself fucking sick. Oh, Chant, I need to be the fullest.

I can be every hour of every day. I learned that from you, every day. I love that. I love them you, thank you. It doesn't seem healthy. Although, if you- Oh, it's not, I have triple gout. Triple gout? Yeah.

It's where you get crystals in your feet and those crystals turn into emeralds and then those emeralds turn into rubies. Well, that said, there might, sounds like there's some money in it. Yeah, the doctor said they might cut off my feet to help pay for the bill of cutting off my feet. Mm-hmm, makes a lot of sense. Well, if you need to and look, I love it,

and I want to keep it, but if you need some financial help, you can take back this pinky ring you gave me last week. No, no, no, no, that's a gift. I would never, I would never take back a gift. Or any buddy. Because it's totally my style. Like I would totally wear this pinky ring. Or any buddy. Because it's totally my style.

Like I would totally wear this pinky ring forever. But if you need it back, I would part with it. Why are you trying to pull it off? Um, because it's a little tight. It's a little tight. Look at my finger, not pulling it off. Your mouth pulling off. This thing is so small.

Pinky clinkies. Pinky clinkies. Speaking of someone that's not doing so great, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusufor the Wizard. I am Yusufor. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis. I was known to the elves as Fyinghallik.

I was known to the dwarves as Zotin and Huk Stenges, and I was known in the elves as Fyinghallik. I was known to the dwarves as Zotin and Hookstangies, and I was known in the Northeast as Gastmanius Mastar, but he in now. Here, I lay my head down upon mine very deathbed, and soon I shall transform into pure light and fire myself heavenward. Erniep, I'm just realizing this now, we're gonna need such a big tombstone.

Such a big tombstone. I know to get all of his names on it. Ah, this is gonna be exhausting. Well, those are just the names you know. There are so many other secret names that you have to have to be revealed. And I swear! I swear upon my deathbed,

which I'm literally strapped, have a tiny bed strapped in my head. Mm-hmm, of course. Uh, you do. Uh, not gonna do it now. Okay. All right. No, what are you gonna say? I'm just gonna say, like, look, I'm so happy that you're not really dying

and that you're just pretending that you're dying. But you have to imagine in the next two or three seasons, you will really die. And then that whole episode is gonna be all those secret names. Damn, how dare you. How dare you? I'm not saying now, I episode is gonna be all those secret games. How dare you? I'm saying now, I'm just saying, you'd have to imagine. You, I would put odds on you dying well before I die. I don't know.

I'd say currently, if we're doing a temple, I'd say currently, I'm gonna die first with my new diet. Well, that's true. Look, all I'm saying is that I believe that the universe makes good content, and that the universe would think that it would be most dramatically satisfying if you said or dies. Not now! Certainly.

No, no, no, no, in a couple seasons. Well, I mean, it is well captured in the scriptures that the goddesses did stand one day and said, oh yay, let there be light and content. That's a preferably light content. Ideally, yes. So you said, or I have known a few wizards who could tell when and how they're gonna die. Do you have that ability at all?

Is that something that you do know in a soda you want to share with us? Well, actually, I don't know how I'm going to die in the future. But... Oh, wink. Can the wizard, hmm, told me that he knows. Because he's the master of space and time. And I said to him, write it down for me, and put it in an envelope. And I have that envelope right here. Whoa!

I'm gonna not read it. No, come on. You know, I just... I'll never forget my husband Tussador He kept saying to me on our wedding night. I am going to explode and I thought you know Just you know, I thought it was a sex thing right turns out he knew he was gonna explode on our wedding night Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hear something like that. You're like that's a sex thing. Oh, hi Right then it turned out it was literal and he really exploded Do you remember that? Yes, it's every time I blink or close my eyes or sleep

It's in blazing down the back of my eyelids. Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I you've been through so much. Would it help if you took the pinky ring back because I will totally part with this Okay, pinky clinkies ring back because I will totally part with this pinky ring. I feel like it helps if you leave it on. Okay pinky clinkies. If I'm understanding you right you want the full set. Do you want one for each finger? Consider it done. Father of Pearl Ring.

Okay. All the way around. I'm curious who he's this one on too. Oh, Aani, I was going to order some drinks for the table. Can I get you anything? How? Hold on, you said or. Can you order drinks for us please?

That's an even better idea. The last couple of nights, you've been ordering drinks and dumping them on the table, saying that the woods soaking them up and I feel a little uh, miffed. I just thought it was a weird power move. Uh, no, I just, I'm sorry, I guess I just got confused. Now that I'm almost dead, I think they bought that. Ony, uh, what would you like to drink? Um, I guess I'll have some diet red potion.

Nope. Try again. A mead. Mead. Very good. Chunt. I think I'm gonna mix it up. Can I get a witch's piss?

Witch's piss? Great. And Ony, is anyone going to be joining us? Should I get an ale or something? Yeah, what's on this stool over here? There's a big cloak over something. Oh, that's right. I've decided for just sort of excitement.

I was going to put a cloak over our guest. And they've been sitting under this cloak all the time. Yeah, patiently. Oh, I hope it's a cloak rack. So, our guest, I don't understand too much about what they do, but they work for the Department of Treasure and here they are.

Whoa! Hey, how you doing? Where's the dark under there? Oh, God, good good end to thee. Well, so what are we doing here? Where is it done? Oh, I'd mention maybe if I could interview you and ask you a little bit about what you do and your life and and use the door and and

Chant this is a guy with a big big a gourd for head. Yeah. Oh shit. I just like I don't know what this guy does But he looks so weird. We got to have him on. Yeah, that's my name. Go ahead. It's nice to meet you fellas. Oh wait Your name is Gordon. What was it? Yeah, it's just go there's going me that. Oh, Gordon. Oh, I see they call me that because it Is it because of the hand could be could be I guess could be short for goi Because I assumed it was a nickname was short for Gordon. It could be both maybe your parents when you You brought a sunder into this world said. Oh, you look like a god done. Yeah, I might have came out of your you know as your mom was a birthing You she might have screamed like oh, God let him out please or could be short for like your your gorgeous yeah like that but listen I wasn't born

traditionally all right I was I was instantiated by you know some kind of god golem like wizardry they assembled me from Twigs or whatnot. They put this on a ta- You know, they told me what to do. Oh, well then it's, then definitely it's a double, like I play on words, double on Tonder of some sort. It's both Gordon and God, because if I bring, if I use my great magical powers to bring some Gollum alive into this world,

I always try to think of a clever sort of cookie name for it. Like if I make a golem out of, say like, stone. I name him Cliff. Get it? Nice. So it's kind of like a, you lampshade it. Like, is that calling attention to it and it's like a little wink?

Exactly. That's pretty clever. I like that. Thank you. You put it in the right position from me. I got in a good hate space now. I was ready to be really upset. Oh, well, I wouldn't want to upset you, God. Is there something I can grab you from the bar? I'm getting around of drinks for the whole table. Oh, I, you know what? I just drink, you know, anything that's just left behind.

I got, I got some root systems down there. I just drag it through anything wet. I'll take care of it myself Okay, mead which is pissed a beer for me and whatever's left behind for God. I'll be right back And Gordon, you know, I you know, I was so distracted by your big gourd head that I didn't notice that your body is made out of a collection of sticks Yeah, you know, they don't go to work with this thing, you know, it's so definitely serving me pretty well. I can't complain, no complaints here. Yeah, just gotta get your sticks wet. Gord, so you work for the Department of Treasure, the dot, as I've heard it referred to. It sounds like it could be, there's the two bookends to my knowledge. It sounds like

it could be incredibly exciting, or the most tedious boring job in the world. Well, I don't know. I mean, it's all I've ever known. I don't think it's particularly interesting, but it's important. We take pride in it. You know, it's a big industry treasure. You know, what would the dungeons and what have yous. It's like it's everywhere. It's a cottage industry. It's a dungeon industry. So it sounds like it must be something exciting, like dungeon crawling and like gathering treasure and finding treasure and a massing wealth. Yeah, a lot of grinding and grinding it out. But I mean, that's what most people want to get out of it, right? But I'm, you know, I haven't sure all noticed that the the goal piece doesn't go as far as it used to. Oh, absolutely. These days?

Oh, yeah. There's been a glut of treasure being found, dragged out of these dungeons, and there's so much of it that you're going to see the value of it, plummet. My job is redistribution. I get treasure. I take it back. I hide it in dungeons. I put the traps back.

You have to go back. Otherwise otherwise inflation is going to be crazy. So you take treasure and put it in the dungeons? Yeah, how do you think it gets in there? I mean, originally, somebody was trying to protect some treasure. But then after that, I mean, it's not like there's more dungeons now. Right? That's true. Would you? And I don't know, Gord, if this is something that you know much about, more dungeons now. Hmm, right? That's true. Would you? And I don't know, Gord, if this is something that you know much about, but like, what percentage

of dungeons have their original treasure in them? Oh geez. You know, we've got those pretty well mapped out at this point. I'm going to say, like, talk between 3 and 5%. That few? That's basically it. Yeah. I mean, those are highly valued. If you find those,

you're sitting pretty. There's even if it's small, it's a collector's item. It's like, is one gem, but if it's from one of these pristine dungeons, you know, don't let the museum take it. They're gonna want to just put it on display. Oh, you get your go for that. Are you talking about gems and treasure that's still in the original packaging? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh yes, I love to go to a dungeon and find something that hasn't been opened air and then find a very similar dungeon.

And I opened that one up and I keep one, I keep one pristine and then I have another one that I kind of like fuck around with. Yeah, one to rock one the stock. There you go. I mean, what's the treasure? I mean what fun is the treasure if you can't play with it a little bit though? Oh, you work for the DOT?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, so you see treasure. Yeah, exactly. Oh, this guy knows, this guy gets it. Oh yes, well, I've done my fair share of dungeon crawling in my day. I've captured a treasure or two, and I'm very grateful that the DOT has taken that on

and decided to, you know, see treasure throughout the dungeons, it encourages younger questers and adventurers and fighters and the like, to, you know, try their hand at taking it on a quest, and then I go around trying to recruit them into my much more important and dangerous quest and you know there's some turnover there understandably. I mean I'm just getting to that.

Not everyone lives on it that's what I'm saying. If anyone's gonna die it's probably. Oh no that's that's what I'm saying all the time is you gotta encourage the children because that's the future That is a wonderful segment. Oh Courage the children Have you ever thought about writing a song to that effect? No, no, no, no, no, why what no? No, I'm pretty busy with what I got going on. No, I'm sure you keep me busy. Yeah Do you ever want to how do I phrase? Do you ever want to plant kids?

You know, I don't know if it's possible. I mean, I've never looked inside, but I got a suspicion that they're up in this, in the head region. If it's like a traditional plant, a gourd, if you will, pumpkin, a squash, I might be full of seeds up there. I may have to die in order to pass the line on.

Yeah, you might be shooting all those, I understand. Well, also, I guess I never thought about this, but your reproductive organs are in your head. Yeah, everything's up there. You say it's the most sensual organ. The pocket. Oh, the head, yes. Yes.

Well, that's, I'm seedless. That's a problem. Yeah, and I can, I mean, I'm assuming by your features, I assume your circumcised up there, because it looks like you were carved. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, back then probably everybody was, we talked about 300 years ago.

Wow, so you've been around the block a few times. Oh yeah, put some miles on this thing. Well, Gordon, I've got to say you're pretty well maintained. I mean, you're a little banged up But for hundreds of years you look better than you said or yeah, I don't see any rot anywhere. How dare you? You know, but I agree you look quite Studying I myself. I'm 350 years old around there about so I've lost track of course, but I have to say you look quite becoming for a god-gallon of your stature and age. I appreciate that. That went to a good place for me.

Sounds genuine. Yes, very genuine. I would say it's just because maybe you can't bear your own children. Have you ever thought about settling down though? And maybe you're so passionate about thinking of the future of children. And I think you'd make a very good foster parent if perhaps, you know, there's a wayward butternut squash that needs some guidance or something of the sort, I don't know. I mean, I got mites. I got, I got scale bugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you give them a lot of advice. No, they're just drinking my sap. They're just damn. I can't think of it. I can't think of it, of course. Gord, I never realized how, I guess, heavily regulated treasure was.

I do have a question, and this is something I've ran across a lot, which is pump and dump, and no offense to your head. I feel like there's a lot of pump and dumping going on in FUN, where it's like, you go into a dungeon and someone's like, hey, this chalice, the lips that touched this chalice were like this great warrior, and they keep talking it up, and then you buy it, and then eventually they make their money, and then when you go to sell it, it's not worth as much. How do you sort of regulate that?

Well, that's the problem because this is all, it forms a false scarcity. Yeah. And it's our job to falsify that scarcity by putting the treasure back. So when you get amateurs, speculators coming into the marketplace and they're saying like, this isn't fresh, this is a new, that's a different kind of scarcity. We deal only in, you can't find the treasure because it's too deep or there's too many spikes in the way. That's the authentic style.

That's what we're talking about. That's what we recognize in the government. Yeah, this guy was standing out in front of a cave selling me this treasure. So I should have known if you don't have to work for it or kill anyone, it's probably doesn't have value. I would say that's too encouraging. If it's sitting out in front,

that's probably something wrong with it. You should at least have to set foot into the dungeon. I'll well live and learn, but I will say this guy also sold me, which is, I'm pretty proud of, he sold me this non-fungus token. So it's a token with no fungus on it. It's the only one of its kind, there's no fungus at all. Listen, I am not officially allowed to have a stance on that. Oh, but you know, in my line of work, fungus is a huge problem.

Huge problem? Oh, trap rot is a big issue in a lot of these old attentions. Is that a type of music or? I'm not familiar. Traparot? I'm not familiar either. I guess we're both not familiar. Yeah, no, I couldn't tell you.

I guess it isn't. Well, it sounds like you've been all over food and seen many different dungeons then. Do you have a favorite or a favorite man? Oh, yeah. Like, it's god-excited. The biggest issue I have is when I go into a dungeon that's been picked clean, and it's not obvious where the traps were.

And nobody took care of it on their way out. I mean, I'm going to find dead adventurers. I'm going to find, and have to reset all the springs and the swords and the poison gas mechanisms and all that. But what I really want is them to treat it with respect for the next person who's gonna die there. Can't cite rules, yeah. Leave it there. Better than you found it.

So if you'd die in a dungeon, it would you say it's polite to just sort of try to like fall over to the side, close to a wall, or just like not clutter the place up too much. I think that every dungeon has its own style. Once you enter that space, you become a participant. Right. And the original design is intent comes into play.

Nice. Yeah, I was in a dungeon the other day, and it was what's the term, it's like Feng Shui. So there's a lot of bats and just a lot of teeth everywhere. And it was just so beautifully done, very kind of minimalistic. But I just felt like, I really, before I left the dungeon,

I really had to soak it up, soak it in and be like, this is beautiful. Like someone took the effort to really stage this. And Ani, that's often why when an adventure dies and a dungeon, their ghost stays behind because then the ghost says like, oh, stay out, or at least pick up some of the mess. It's here And see in that case you wouldn't want to die off to the side if they're making a big production out of it

You're gonna want to die some place visible where the bite marks can be seen your body acts as a warning to other Adventures that's I think when keeping with the intent. You become the heart of the story. Heart of the indeed. No, that's cool. It's sort of like you're a ghost car and Mario Kart. Like, you know, you're just... Someone can learn something by the course that you tried to take.

That doesn't mean a fucking thing. Let's go to a break. So, Gordon, you've been in so many dungeons, it sounds like, and I've only been in, I think one as far as I can remember. Are there any kind of like fads in dungeons or like, like, things that are sort of popular for a while? Oh, yeah, no, this is fascinating. And I could see how somebody would get very interested. I'm armchair strictly, right? I've seen them, but I don't have all the nomenclature down.

Oh, I see. I mean armchair expert for a second, because it seems like one of your legs is made out of part of an armchair. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a common refrain. It's very useful though. Wow, I'm sharing it.

It's really solid wood. Oh shit, Arnie, I just realized something. You know what, I missed it earlier. He said he was like, he wasn't birthed normally. He was made, right? Mm-hmm. He's a made man. Uh-oh.

He's part of the squash yeah Arnie tread lightly as we continue this interview don't fuck with the squash. Yeah, okay I was laughing about a joke I heard earlier Some of the funny ones when you think about it. Oh my gosh. Here you about you thinking of a joke is so funny. I know my zeal jokes. Yes, my zeal jokes. Now, as Gordon has already mentioned, there aren't a lot of new dungeons, but sometimes they get a... not only are they reset and new treasures seeded in them, but someone comes along, perhaps some sort of evil vizier or You know a lord of hate or something and

An enchantress and they're like well, I'm gonna I'm gonna remake this dungeon and make it my own And I feel like 30 years ago. It was all about fucking sconces. Yeah, yeah You're good you've been in a couple dungeons because this is the thing no matter where you go You're gonna find sconces from a certain era, right? It doesn't matter if the inside walls, you know, they're panelled if it's just a rock Anywhere they could put one they put one. I've seen them on the floor. Yeah, I see puzzles that involve rotating sconces Terrible and at a point. It's it's a bit much. It's gauche. Yeah, sconce on the floor. That's when I go, I just try to walk out.

I go, I don't care to land three levels down. Fuck it. What informs you, like, what kind of treasure you're probably going to find, you know? Something tacky and stupid. We do try to, you know, redistribute treasure to where it makes sense. Oh, if it's one of those dungeons,

then yeah, we'll put, put like an ornate hand mirror at the end, something like that. We try to make it fit. We try to make it authentic and make it seem like you're the first to stumble on it. Because we don't want to betray the we've been doing the work. Every time you run across a dead body, there's gonna be a little bit of treasure there.

Every time you slay a bat or some sort of cave goat, there's gonna be a little bit of treasure there. Every time you slay a bat or or some sort of cave goat, there's gonna be some gems inside there, you know, that's all the stuff that we plan out. Once I killed a stalagmite and I got some treasure, it was dripping on me. I mean when it dripped it hurt but I didn't think I could kill it, it was insane. Was that treasure inside? Yeah, there you go. How is there treasure inside? Already, I don't fucking know. Ty, you're gonna die. Gord, does treasure ever, you know, when you're around, does treasure ever

just kind of fall off of a cart? Hmm, no disrespect, no disrespect. Oh, I can't see what you're getting at. Okay, okay, I see what you're getting at. Yeah, listen, listen. Naturally, it's easy to assume because I am the one who puts the treasure back.

But maybe that didn't put as much treasure back as I should have, was that what you're saying? Run, yes, it's like that. Just so fun. Well listen, I think they made a lot of sense and then a goal in because what do I got? No use for the treasure. You know, what am I gonna do with the coins, right?

I got no debts, I got no debtors. It's easy for me to leave it all there. Oh. Well that begs the question, when you're not seating treasure and you're downtime, do you have any hobbies or you're just constantly working? Are you a workaholic? No, I've started to go into Dungeons myself as an adventurer. Oh! Yeah. And that's all the conflict of interest?

Banking mean if they don't know about it is not a conflict of interest. Of course they will never tell. They will never tell. They will never tell. Right guys right? Sure. Although, boy, I, John, use it or I'm not sure like normally I feel like ethically I should always tell our guests that they're being recorded for this podcast but I just have this

feeling that I'm not sure what. Don't worry I've got it here. Follow me. Follow my lead. Oh, good. I just wanted to mention we are saying how handsome your your head is earlier the actual yes Go on. It's really we really love I forgot to point out how much you're being recorded right now And I really like the stem. Yes, the stem is so nice. It's a beautiful stem What's the way was it? What was the first part? I?

Lovely a stem what was it what was it what was it first part I love the stem man no we're talking about your goal because we're talking about the his favorite part of the goal he likes the gourd part of your gourd right exactly yeah you must have a gourmon right gentlemen this is this is technological I don't understand why you'd be bringing that to me my goal is my goal course yeah wait you go you know lectin a little bit jumpy. It's gone on no Oh jump jump jumping with excitement for having such a great guest side and and I'm also No too weak to jump because for of course I'm on my deathbed for I'd probably say

Not two to four more weeks. Oh, that's a bummer. Oh It is a bummer until the heavens and the goddess is welcome me back into the heaving bosoms And just to say use the doors on his deathbed, which doesn't mean you know Arnie and I we don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with a You know jack-a-lantern next to us or something so hey Think that'd be a good time for a lot of people. They might be you know asking for that That's that's good fortune for some people Oh really? What you mouth?

Yes, of course. I was guys got a small mouth on them No, but dumb I have dumb tongue. I have dumb tongue. Arnie tell him. Yeah, he's a fucking idiot this guy. Thank you Thank you. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah, I agree. We all agree. Chant is stupid. Okay. Yeah, okay If you want to put him up for you, do you want us to beat him up for you? Why would you think I am? I'm not a white-footed peanut, but you're up. Just to enjoy the afternoon and enjoy the spirit of dungeonering, the spirit of exploration, that's why we all started.

Actually, I don't know why you guys have started this. What do you do? You just hang out here all day? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Yeah, we talk to do you do you just hang out of here all day? Yeah, pretty much yeah, yeah I mean I killed the dark lord oh yeah, you said or killed the dark lord which is kind of a big deal Hey That's a feather in you cap. Yeah pretty good to do that before you die, huh? Well, that's actually why I'm dying you see

It's my one true purpose. And if I didn't die now, that would mean I didn't really kill the dog lord and that would be ludicrous. You know, at that always the way that magic works, it's always got some little poetic twist, you know, they never let you have it easy. Yes, I know. As a being of pure magic myself, I love magic. It's everything to me and the power that causes through my veins is like a very drug.

I am addicted to it and I love it even though I know it's kind of bullshit at the same time. That's funny, yeah, that's bullshit I think a little bit. Okay, all right. You know, Gord, you sort of said that this was ludicrous. I do have's funny, yeah, that's bullshit, I think, a little bit. Okay, all right. You know, Gord, you sort of said that this was ludicrous. I do have to ask, speaking of ludicrous, what in the world is in that bag? What you got in that bag? Oh, it is. I mean, I'm between jobs right now.

I'm not on the clock. Oh, oh. I'm supposed to take it back to the office, but sometimes I just look around with me because I'm in the area, you know? Is that a, is that just gold and gems or is there maybe some magical items? Sort of treasure. I don't know if I'm at liberty to say stuff like that. I mean, you might follow me to a dungeon and see what I'm doing.

I just, you know, I collect, I collect, you know, I enjoy dungeon, but you know, occasionally to cut corners at a save time, I'm not gonna lie. I've gone on a crystal ball and just ordered some treasure to be delivered directly to my home. You know, sometimes you just, you know, you're in a hurry and you need to get something done and, you know, it's not as satisfying as going through the dungeon and going through all the tasks, but sometimes you're like, just drop the damn treasure off at my front door and let me do what I need to do. Oh yeah, those new magical instant carts, the carts that just pop up in front of your door and they're full of the stuff you want. Oh yeah, it made me so lazy. Yeah, it's just, it's an exchange.

You got to decide is it worth your time or you know, it's just easy to pay for the experience. You're the lack of one. You're just hanging out of home, you want to, you want to sort, go for it. Yeah. But sometimes I order something from a dungeon and I'm amazed at how fast it can get to me, but I also feel bad.

It's like, it's too fast. Really, you know, they gotta go all the way to that dungeon and probably fight a few monsters. And then they're still gonna get that treasure to me by the next day. And what am I getting? Am I getting some copper? You know, do I need more copper?

So you're saying you'd be willing to go like, maybe part way, like you want to still feel like it earned it. Hmm, what if they just met you at the entrance with some of it? Was that the guy you met? Was that somebody you met? Yeah, the guy I met might have been starting that trend because yeah, he was at the front,

but it didn't look like he had been through the dungeon, right? There was no cut marks or bruises or sut or anything. I think he just made it at home and then brought it in front of the cave, perhaps, to just push his wares. It's difficult to say and not haven't seen any of it but I mean it could have been that that's just the way he's getting his foot in the door.

And then once he builds that capital he can start actually going into dungeons and doing it proper but when he's got a buzz right, he's got people talking about it. I appreciate that hustle. John, I have to ask a clarifying question. Was it a cave or a dungeon? Or was it a cave that led into a dungeon?

Ooh, is it bad? I don't know the difference. It's not great. Was there a staircase or some fucking sconces? There's definitely sconces. What is it? Is it a real word? All caves are dungeons, but not all dungeons.

They're caves, is that a thing? Unless they're in the cave, region of food. I've definitely seen some outliers. Like, I've seen a dungeon that terminated in a cave as though the cave region of food. I've definitely seen some outliers. Like I've seen a dungeon that terminated in a cave as though the cave was the treasure. And it wasn't even a particularly interesting cave. What a horrible treasure. Yeah, I think it was a message about, you know,

conservativism and nature, and but it was just kind of a dirty cave. Not great. So some dungeons have like modern treasure where it's more kind of a dirty cave, not great. So some dungeons have like modern treasure where it's more kind of like conceptual. Yeah, like the journey, like going into the dungeon and doing the work is actually the treasure. And that pisses a lot of people off.

Nobody likes that. Oh, I did one of those. I went through this dungeon, maybe 20 levels to it, you know, I started the top, go down the scary staircase, into the first level, go through, you know, fight off some bats and some monsters, and it's all this bear iconography everywhere, like statues of bears and sconces with bears faces on them, and that sort of thing and then it fed out back into the forest and waiting there for me was a bear and it shat in the woods and it said now you know did the did the ship make us out? Well I left so I wasn't there so I don't know.

So it was probably like a slow like the bear was you know troubled in some way. Yeah you knew it was starting yeah I could I could see that be very unsatisfying Yeah, it was it was it was like oh, I thought it was gonna get a treasure and it was more of like a I guess a Folk lore, you know or a riddle. I don't even know what that is. You know, that is just a charm and no It's not even like a wife's tail. It's like a wife's like unit of information. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. It's like this is not used. This is not a good use of my time. No, I tell you what, I've not placed a lot of shit in dungeons and there's certainly none in this bag. I tell you that much.

Maybe I should. Yeah, none of us have bags with shit in them. No. No, I have one. No, you just don't know. My friend is joking, I'm sorry. No, I've got one. Fuck, did you just see him? Guys, did you just see what he did?

He just ate that ghost. Gorgeous, ate a ghost. He gobbled that ghoul. Did you see that? He's a mate guy, I'm telling you. He's a made man. Good stuff telling you. He's a made man Good stuff good stuff more like that one. They keep those coming More ghosts over here Well, I use an or don't order more ghosts. You know that means the bartenders are gonna start killing people

Well, how the hell else are we gonna get ghosts? Yeah, well, I'm been telling you you we gotta take that off the menu. And I'm telling you there's no way you're going to live through this episode. Oh no. I don't want any of these. I don't want fresh ghosts. Bring me some old, bring me some vintage ghosts. Oh my god. Oh but these ghosts are table to table.

These were patrons sitting at the table and now they're... Oh yes, you're right. Let's get some old ghosts. Actually that would be nice. It would be nice to get some tables side service can we get can we get that for the table um actually uh i hate to ask this sir could we get it for us to eat just because the table the tables had enough yes but it's feeling pretty damp oh yeah are you're roots um soaking up any booze or let me let me dump some of my witch pits down here. There's some witches piss I hear some of my some of my a there you go. Well, that's going right there. Oh good You're in or just it's just your head as your sexual organ and so I I'm sorry. It's just

I'm not supposed to drink the job, but You guys are right you guys are all right. You guys are pretty fun. Yeah, if you're really for pants over your face, right? Because it's right there. Yes. Let's Are you sure we take another break or? Yeah, let's take a quick break Not like not like breaking our legs or anything, but just like a like a intermission. We should say intermission Go go go! So, Gord, you'd mentioned that you are sort of getting more into adventuring yourself. Like, when you go into a dungeon to get treasure instead of to put it back, like, what's your process? Well, I mean, when I started doing it like I started saying like who wouldn't be right for me to

go on the dungeons that I just put the treasure into? Right so I give it a grace period you know and then the longer I did it the shorter the grace, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, nah, nah, I mean, I basically know the layout of most of these dungeons, especially around here. And I mean, it's just, just, simple, matter for me to go in there and, you know, take back some of what I put for myself, for people that, you know,

maybe to keep it out of the hands of people that I don't want to see get it. Who don't deserve to get it? Who wronged it wrong to me. Oh, you've been wrong. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah I see you have a scroll there that seems to be a list of names. I don't know. Oh, it is Yeah, it's a list of names. Yeah, huh. What are the names that are crossed out? What does that mean? You're no longer friends with them or... Just a name I don't need to keep track of anymore. Hmm. A name that doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Oh.

This whole thing is. Sure. I mean, basically, we're not friends. I mean, we're not friends before I crossed them out. Neither. So... Hey, but you know what, Dungeons ad love them. They're crazy places.

Ah, it's a good time. To Dungeons. Yeah. To Dungeons. To Dungeons, I love them. They're crazy places. Ah, it's a good time. To Dungeons. Yeah, to Dungeons. To Dungeons. Yes. To Dungeons. When you think about it, really, there are no laws down there. You can just do, you can just kill people and take treasure

and all bets are off. Absolutely. I mean, you can even say that it was part of the Dungeons design. Right? Is this interparty conflict maybe part of the reason why they're down there? Is the treasure the friendships you made along the way? Hmm. Plus the treasure.

Or the friends you killed and took their treasure. Yeah, I mean you'd have to be some kind of son of a rich to kill your friends. Maybe they're not your friends anymore. When you kill them. Yeah, you're going to kill them the party of people you're going through a dungeon with, honey? What? No.

I've only been in one dungeon and I went with you when you're still alive. For now. We're also alive. And what's, I mean, the four of us, we're just, just a couple of gourd fellas, just hanging out. We're all friends here.

And we're, no, we're just gonna kill anyone. We're all friends. This guy's looking pretty jumpy. Pretty squirly. Oh, I can be a squirrel. I'm a sheepshifter. Let me, j- There you go, I'm a squirrel. Yee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee actually a better and a scrollpart here. A god forgive my friends. They may seem nervous for, they've never watched a wizard die before. It's such a glorious and wonderful moment

when I transform into pure light. I'm sure it's, they're a little on edge because it could happen at any moment, but probably like three to four weeks. I mean, we've seen a couple wizards, thanks. I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, two so many. What do you think is gonna be like,

I don't know that it's possible for me to die, because I'm not sure that I'm actually alive. That's gonna be like, when I watch someone die, right? And I watch that, I guess you could describe it as light, leave their eyes, they just glaze over. I don't know what that means. I don't know that I mind seeing it again and again. Was it hard the first time you saw it? No. No. No. Easiest thing in the world. I heard so much about it and then when you finally do it,

easiest thing in the world. Well it's pretty you know, that goddesses attach a soul to each one of us, and that soul is a thing that lives on beyond our corporeal forms, and it's possible that you are animated without a soul, that you have thought and substance and your ascension, but you may be soulless. If you'd like, I could try to summon a soul and attach it to you. Hmm. What would that feel like? Is that straight forward?

Have you done this before? Sure. Let's say, you know, if you've eaten a ghost, you know what that tastes like, right? Oh yeah. Now imagine that ghost just sort of stayed in you forever. Hmm. Instead of me dumping an elderly, I like, I always do.

Right. Hmm. How? I can't. I can't see this. I can't see that. I can't see this. You store, you know the one thing you can't ask me not to ask about is how someone dumps something out.

I should know better, yes. Yeah, you know what? I'd like to try. I'd like to, I'd love to try it. Okay, and then follow my logic, then anything that I do wrong in my own life would be placed upon that soul. And I'm still free and clear, right? I mean, there's got to be a little loophole, right? Oh, I guess that is how it works. If the constables ever come for you, you can just bury the soul, and then you're free and clear.

Ooh, that sort of fucked. If you could put more than one in here, I'd love that. That might simplify a lot of things for me, actually. Oh, no, I can't put multiple souls into you. That will make you into a soul walker, which is a well-established evil beast. Let alone multiple souls who know each other, because that be a soul collective and nobody wants to hear that. And if you get to me in there, they're all gonna give each other an illness and then your souls will be coughing. Anyway, I'm about to go to the soul asylum.

Already, that's all I know. Already the window closed. Sorry, I was just on a soul train of thought. Come on, put a soul in me, let's do this. Very well then, I shall pray to the goddesses. Goddesses, here, use your doors, please. Let God here now no longer be set free. I beseech thee here, this boon.

Here, my final goal, beseech and place upon Gordon. This mortal soul there's light there's lights appearing in his eyes were I mean his it's like a candle isn't there now I feel it's a strange I feel I feel it it the weight the weight of my sins is upon me Good feeling or bad feeling or I've never felt anything before can't tell Okay, I'm having fun. I'm asking us me You're having an anxiety attack. Yeah, yeah, I feel crying

Yeah, we're sweat Yeah, sweatin'. And I think you're dumping out a ghost from before. You know what, oh no. You know what, Ani and Chant, I don't know that I should have attached a soul to an animated person. I, maybe that's, Yacht even might reach.

Not my pervure to decide who and who does not have a soul You know you said or after all these years. I think this is the first time you've taken a moment to ask yourself I can do that but should I and you know in a way? You've really grown and learned a lot or he does need a second soul More souls well, maybe they'll cancel each other out. I don't know. Oh, God, this is not so much wrong. Oh, I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not evil.

You're just, you were created. You were made. You were made guide. And so you were just acting on impulse, which is your nature. So you've done nothing wrong. You've just acted in accordance with your natural sort of urges and instincts. So is the way I was raised? Yes, let's go with that. Yes, it says.

In a pumpkin patch. Yeah, I think I could live with that. Okay. Okay. If you like, I could free you of this burden of this spirit that lives within you now And you could return to it the way you were before But then you could no longer celebrate this new day that alongside your birthday now you'd have the day last all Man, oh, you know why it was rough, but I feel like we got to see this thing true I feel like I gotta get some more souls in here. I'm starting to think okay. All right. Here we go Will you open the floodgates.

I've received the goddesses. Bless me once again. Not once, twice. And yet another time more. Yeah, bless this body with souls, two, three and four. Oh, no. Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 4 Okay, there should be four souls in that out should he be growing like that. I know his god is so big That's right. I should have warned you guys. He was gonna grow. Oh Very much like me. We're both fulfilled

I don't know off. I think we all did it. Tell us okay. I That's it's different from ghosts because these guys are squirming around Their own thoughts try their own ideas try burping. I think that that might help alleviate it Yeah, come here. Come here. Just let me what are we ahead? I don't mind right over my shoulder here I'm gonna pat you in the back here try to put that one of these souls I'm gonna pat you on the back here. Try to burp out one of these souls. Here we go. Mm-hmm.

I think we got one out. I think there's one going. Ooh. That's better. Is that better? Okay. Let me stick a branch down here. Hold on a second.

I think that was working. Okay. I'm gonna make a note here. My little note pad. Four souls. God, this is damn it. That's all right in my spice potato. Two men.

I can't eat this thing now. I don't like it. Well, okay. What's wrong with a little soul food? Pss. You said or no. The window is closed. No. I am feeling much better and there's a complete absence of guilt or any emotion whatsoever. So back in business. I think that was a mistake.

Okay. Well, it was worth figuring out. I think that was a mistake. Okay. It was worth figuring out. I'm glad it happened with a friend. When you think about it, it was like you went on a dungeon inside yourself. They were like a party, adventuring inside of me. Exactly. You're off on a new adventure, you little soldier boy.

Ugh. I feel like you guys are saying a lot of stuff that I'm not familiar with, that I should be familiar with. That I feel like it's at my, I feel like it's harmful to me. It's like I'm being made fun of. I know, it's definitely not to make fun of you. I'd say it's more harmful to the listener. We would never smash pumpkins.

We would never, we wouldn't do that. Not tonight, not tonight, okay? I mean, if we did smash pumpkins, we'd get melancholy and have infinite sadness. Yes, I ever tell you guys, I used to be a little boy. Ah, you guys is a hoot. Oh boy. I tell you what, probably shouldn't have drank this much.

Oh, that's all right. Before I start another shift. Oh, you're just, you're about to head off into another dungeon? Yes, I am, but I tell you what, I'm forgetting whether or not this bag is going in or coming out. Hmm. Oh, geez.

I don't happen when you've had too much to drink. What am I supposed to do with this stuff? We could watch it. Yeah, we could put it in the dungeon for you, probably, if you want. When I came in before you put the cloak over my head, did it look like I was coming from a dungeon? Well, like I was gonna go back into a dungeon.

Which one did it look like I was doing? Yeah, which one did it look like? Was it any or an Audi? You kind of were looking, you're looking in this direction? Yeah, I always look over there. That's one of my favorite directions. That's no help. That is a good direction.

Southwest. I don't know. I can split the difference. Maybe there's some clues. Maybe some context clues will help. Or Gord's feet covered with dust or cobwebs or it looks like they're a muddy. Like they've just been on the rain. Because if they were muddy, they're probably on their way in from outdoors. If they are dusty and covered in cobwebs, that means they might have just come out. Okay, let me close my eyes and try to remember. I think as I visualize it, he's got a giant gourd for ahead and that's kind of all I remember.

Yeah. Like I did not look at his feet, even now I'm not looking at his feet while I'm trying to remember. No, why would you? Don't do that. Okay, the gourd. Okay, since you were focused on the gourd, maybe there's some more context clues there Would it the gourd say something to you like hello? I'm gourd. I'm going into a dungeon. Oh hello. I'm gourd. I just came out of this dungeon He said some things, but I was just looking at his gourd. Just looking at that gourd. Yeah. It's easy.

Why sit here and, you know, try and figure this out from nothing. I'm gonna look in the bag and see what I got. Maybe I'll jump in my memory. No, not much on your back. That's the idea. Oh, oh yeah. Okay. Wait, why is he crossing off more names on that list?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no treasure in here. There's no treasure. No, it looks like it's treas thing with treasure. Yeah, this is a guy. I used to know the guy used to know Oh, we talking about that ravine? The people keep finding like heads in that ravine? They're just finding heads? Yeah. Is it? Yeah, that's interesting. They call it heads without the teeth ravine.

You know how wizards can sus out an identity using fingertips or teeth? That's my favorites. Yeah, I've heard stories about that. Yeah, I guess all these heads show up and they have no teeth. So, hmm. But, you know what, I just forgot. That's not even something I knew.

I just forgot what was I even talking about. Also, this is weird and probably unrelated, but this is the first gourd I've ever seen that has a lot of teeth. Like a lot of teeth. Well, I mean, there's a lot of these, probably seeds also. Yeah.

What are teeth? It's all the same, there's a lot of these, probably seeds also. Yeah. What are teeth? It's all the same. They grow a human. They do. That's how that works, right? Hmm. Guys, we just, we got to wind this episode down.

We can't get sucked into trying to explain human reproduction to this gourd. I mean, when was this? I have one, too. God, when he said seeds, I almost said seeds nuts, but, you know, as a call back from my stuff, I said, but I don't want to be disrespectful. know and you're gonna get back on the worst lines list Again another nomination. Damn it. Leading the nominations. It's chunt. Uh now, uh

Is it possible that Oh, I hate to hate to paint with a broads Drove like this, but are you evil? Yeah, oh no, I mean no. Oh, no, okay, no good Which ones the evil one is good in evil which ones which ones? Okay, yeah, I evil right there. He got there. No, I see Yeah, see I just have to ask because I'm a wizard and I have a righteous mission to destroy evil So if you're not evil, we're good. Yeah, I'm not evil.

Great! Okay, okay. I guess I'll just remove the teeth from this corpse. Okay, sounds fun. And beyond my way. Okay, well, good luck to you, sir. Good luck to you, Gordon. It's so nice to meet you. And I hope I don't know how to phrase this. I hope our paths never cross again. Sure.

Or if they do, I hope I'm walking alongside of you and not the destination for your path. What is that supposed to mean? Was that a puzzle? No, no. No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, he's just saying it.

I swear, we'll beat him up for you if you want us to. What the fuck? He all chant us trying to say is that when we meet again, should our paths cross? Let us clasp our arms in friendship and raise another glass together and pour some fine ails and wines over the iron roots. Well, like the center there, you brought it back around. I'll write you guys. I like him.

I'm going you guys. I like him. I'm going to find you. And I promise, if you come back on, I'll explain to you how babies are made. Because I would love to find who something goes into something. Oh, it's crazy. Everybody just laughs. Yes. It's crazy. I can't even begin to tell you. Oh shit. And Arnie will probably see him at the Magy Tavi Awards because he's nominated for Gord with the most souls in his head So far so far you well so far you're on the list Mm-hmm you're on the you're on the short list. It's not a nomination yet, but you're getting there. Yeah

Okay, all right as long as I'm a person to my people Gord you are never gonna fucking guess where we keep our seeds No, and the head, right? No. No. Warm. What is she gonna keep him? Is that? No, you're gonna have to come back.

You're gonna have to come back. Which thing do you want to arrive less? The episode where Arnie explains human reproduction to a gourd creature? Or, and just like that season 2, still no control? Wizards Joyce Award nominee, used or the blue, was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolfie. Huh, funny how we use the word play when all I hear is effort. Gored the Galom with a Gord for a Head was played by special guest Chris Straub.

You can visit Chris's website, Chris Straub.com to learn more about his comics, like Chainsaw Suit, his horror writing, like Candle Cove, or his performing in acquisitions incorporated the C-Team. Plus, other stuff, Chris is a prolific guy. Our own editor, Stefan Dranger, wanted me to mention he's been a fan of Chris way back since the F-Cords days. So Chris, when you're wondering who saw fit to cram a Wilhelm scream into your own episode around the 34 minute mark, look no further than Stefan.

Although from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get two new bonus episodes every month. The most recent is an all new spin-tax special called the Spin-tax Book Release Party. Here, you listen to it. That's what's so invigorating about the mind of an author is that sometimes that inspiration comes from outside,

might be doing pushups, might be going for a beautiful walk or seeing another piece of art and experiencing someone else's art to help you create your own art. Grash, do you mind if I step in before I fall asleep and ask a question of my own? Please do. I've got a question for JoJo.

Now, I don't know if this is rude or not, but you yourself have a real fucked up face. Does that inspire you to write this book? Yeah, yeah. And you know what, you're right or you know. And I don't have any solutions for myself, but I do have solutions for anyone else that needs them. And you know what hindsight is 2020. And there, I made a lot of bad choices in my life. Most of them involved bobbin

for apples in places where I shouldn't have been bobbin. Gotta say there's places where you just don't go bobbin. You don't go bobbin. You know, if there's an animal in there, you don't go bobbin. If it's hot, you don't go bobbin. know, if there's an animal in there, you don't go Bobbin, if it's hot, you don't go Bobbin, if it is a liquid that is unfamiliar to you. For more on the bonus episodes and other Patreon perks like Add Free episodes, stop by patreon.com-slash-magic-tavarn. Hello from the Magic Tavarn is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Raffaier, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, this episode edited by Stefan Dranger, the very same person standing outside Chris Straub's house right now, waiting for the last light to go out inside so he can make his move, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alder de Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.