Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 17 - Forensic Inquisitor (w/ Mikey Neumann)

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

A local king has been murdered and someone must use science to solve the crime.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCloakus the Forensic Inquisitor: Mikey NeumannMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Forgive my exuberant mood, but we're officially out of the season between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day on your Earth calendar, where your primitive moral code prevents you from breaking up with someone, meaning all sorts of emotional upheavals could happen at any moment. It's sort of a purge light. Anyway, if you're in a rocky relationship and who hasn't been, do not answer that phone, open that door, go near windows, read messages wrapped around bird legs. Basically, you're in lockdown mode until November 15th. But we are here for you, as you now have plenty of time,

to hear the show critics describe as please stop emailing me I'm a restaurant critic. Hmm, well I guess it doesn't take a village. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arne Neekham. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years at an 11 and a half months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload this podcast, recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the Unnamed World Mountain, in the magical land of

Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh fuck me, Arty. I am. I am so sorry. I'm not a new catchphrase. Great new catchphrase. No, no, no, it's just I'm sorry. I'm f**k me, baby. That was not the time. I'm a little upset. Oh no, I'm so sorry. I, no, no, it's fine. You couldn't possibly know I've just been crying into my need for the last hour.

Oh no, no, no, no, I didn't expect for you to say it. You've been talking about yourself. No, but you've been talking about yourself so you had the man time to notice. Yeah, I'm so sorry. What's going on with you, bud? I'm 100% here for you so sorry. What's this, what's going on with you, but I'm 100% here for you right now. It's just, here, let me show you.

I am also recording, I'm recording though, just so you should probably know that. We're just gonna give you an episode. Thank you for your honesty. It's just, I received this parcel in the mail today. Let me, I'm wrapping it for you here. It's, as you can see, it's a piece of shell. I don't know if it's a piece of eggy baby or just someone bluffing, but I think someone's trying to send me a message.

And I know that Bubble Fat, the Lonesome Bounty Hunter, had last time I knew that he had eggy baby, but you know, I lost the sort of bread comeil, so I don't know where Iga Baby is now. The way you lost the what's this now? The bread-com-trail? Did I miss an episode? The bread-com-trail? Arnie, I don't have time to explain everything to you, okay? Okay, yeah, yeah, I guess I don't want to know what that is. Good, that's fine. It's just, I'm sorry, I'm just a little out of sorts. I just, I want to make sure my child's okay, and um, you know, at some point I just have to go looking for him.

You know, I have to hit the road. Uh, I don't know if I have to take a week or a year off the podcast, but I just have to find Niggie B. Take as many episodes away from the podcast. Huh. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. Okay. Good to know. Good to know. Uh, speaking of which, my other co-host is on his deathbed.

Um, not really. he's just pretending, but still, he's gonna be gone soon. Chent is gonna be going off on his own quest this soon, and this podcast is just gonna be all me all the time. My other co-host, Yusuf, are the wizard! I was Yusuf, the wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Many be like to have magical del magical delightstive hour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, known to the elves as fying alok, known to the dwarves as Zodyn in hook stangies, and known in the north-east as Gess Weneus Mastar, but now light begins to fade, and soon I shall expire and chant, dear chant.

Yeah. Have you tried following the Yellow Jizz Road? It's funny that you said that, Yusodor, because I feel like as you're dying, your voice makes me think like you could use some courage. And I don't need any courage. I got plenty of courage. You're lying.

Yusod, I did have a question for you and I just thought of it now. What? When you're in the Northeast, talking to an elf, do they call you guys when it's my star being Yelik? Mm-hmm. Ah, well, they still call me Fien Yelik. The kingdom of the Northeast of which they elves

are not a part. They have their own separate societal structure, whereby they follow their own rules and their own rules of language. Oh! But fear not. For my voice is fine. I'm not really dying. I've just been pretending to be dying for...

I don't know, a couple of hours now? Yeah, we know. It's been weeks. It's been more than hours. It's been weeks? Yusudari, I have a question. A couple of weeks ago, your best friend, Apparel Fuels, the gnome, was here, and he referred to you as the name the gnomes know you as dickbisc.

And it reminded me, no one really says any of your names anymore, is like your power waning? Excuse me? I mean, everyone calls you Yusador, but I feel like- Yeah, is your power waning or is it garthing? Swing? Well, I- I think- My power is better than ever. Why- I- I defeated that Dr. Evil. Uh, so I think I'm doing great.

Now, uh, what I would say is- My voice is fine. I'm going to be doing fine. My- my name's, yeah, the way I'm called by many names across the land. All do know me as usedol it is. It is the universal name Okay, I like how he said my names. Yeah, just kind of a fun. Just kind of giving himself a little pep talk along the way You know, I like that about you so do I me too. Oh

But everyone at the bar should know I'm still dying. How is that I think they bought it? Yeah, pretty good I feel like the people in the tavern have stopped paying attention to you dying. Like, some of them might think you're already dead. They're just sort of like blocking you out a little bit. Yeah, one guy at the bar said the wizard, Doth, protest too much. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha fool them already, even though I have not completely faked my death. They already believe me to be dead. Why, there'll be doubly shocked to find out I'd die in... probably a couple more hours? Well, well, city. You said, or do you think you have at least one more episode of the podcast in you before you die?

I suppose that I will have to try to participate in yet one last episode of Hello from the Magic Tavot. I think they bought it. And Sean, do you feel like you have at least one more episode in you before you head off on your quest to find Aiki Baby? Absolutely. And, hey, Arnie, don't worry. When I head out on a quest to find my child, I'll take all your equipment with me so I can document.

Document? So I can document, which means to mate while documenting it. Oh, here's the thing. And we've been over this shunt. Stop taking my equipment and recording you documenting. It's, and then you just leave it on my desktop and I'm like, what is this audio? We'll see.

And it's always labeled, please listen immediately. And I don't want to hear that. Oh, I fucked all those gorillas in the mist. It was beautiful. We couldn't tell whose paw was his. Let's kind of get ourselves together. I have a guest for this episode. And he seems kind of important.

I'd like to introduce Clocus, who I believe is a representative of a nearby royal court? You talk... sorry, I'm... yes. What I meant was yes. Clocus, would you mind if we just ask you a few questions about yourself? Yeah, sorry, I'm a little frazzled. I had to carry a body two miles. Two miles? Oh my.

Well, it wasn't in one piece. It was multiple trips. It was so... Oh. Arnie, who the fuck is this? Uh, I don't know. I guess I should have some pre-show questions, like, have you been carrying body parts or something like that?

Pre-show questions can still get you pregnant? Yeah, yes and no, I guess as the answer there, I do carry body parts often and also this line of questioning makes me uncomfortable. Oh, okay. May I inquire then and if this line of questioning also makes you uncomfortable, please let me know, May I inquire then? And if this line of question also makes you uncomfortable, please let me know. Are you some sort of murderer? I am a forensic inquisitor.

I know you probably haven't heard that term before. It's kind of a new science. Are you guys familiar with the idea of crime in so far that you perpetrate and offense against another individual and then you are arrested? Sure. With science and facts. Yeah.

That's what I do. Well, we definitely know what crimes are, and we definitely know how to tell someone's guilty using our logic and magic to look directly into their souls. Or sometimes you'll have people like fight to decide whether they're innocent or guilty. Right. Well, actually, while I'm here, do you mind if I mark this off my checklist here? Did any of you three kill King Yohan III at the castle down the right?

I have to ask I have I do oh Checklist Arnie that's a bingo card I'll take all of you not saying no at the same time to be a soft yes. Oh, I know I was so shocked to learn of the of the death of King Johan Wonderful royal in his own right. Oh, what a sad day this is. No, how I lament it. I can just show him to you if you want to see him. Oh, well, should we give him a proper burial? We'll turn him to his family?

It's okay. Oh, I don't know. Are you being serious? You're being sarcastic. God, I don't even know anymore. That's the worst part. Um, I can show you his arms. I have those that are actually outside if you wanna see just his arms. All right, field trip.

Careful, watch your step. These chairs are a little tall. Whoa! Sorry, you passed, you see the one. What a healthy looking ghost. All right, so if you see his arms, here you'll notice the peculiar 317 knife slashes. And I think that might have been what killed him. Seems like a clue.

Oh, look how thick his biceps are. Two tickets to the crossbow show, am I right? Yes, nose out, crossbows out. How can you be certain it's King Johann? Did you speak to his ghost? Oh, I do have, is the word Fallis? I have his Fallis and his head and ears. The ears are separate from the head.

Yes. Those are the distinguishing like half. First, I recognize that Fallis. And then I also have his head. Yes. Those are the distinguishing like, first I recognize that phallus and then I also have his head. That was how his wife identified him. Yes. Look, I have his phallus. Is this thing on? Testing, testing. John, put that down. That's evidence. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, should I try to summon his ghost or perhaps cast a spell to draw us out his murderer. Well, how can I help you with your investigation?

You said, I think this guy's really into his way of solving this. Like I, oh, I'm into this. Like science is great, but in a world where magic exists, just throw it in the trash, like it's worth nothing. So yeah, please solve this with magic, and that would be easier, though I can train you guys how to solve with the forensic sciences

if you'd like to learn the three Fs. And it might be fun to get into some forensic science. Oh, the three Fs. I mean, I know there's a new technology it's called DNA technology. Your friend told me about that. It got him off the spot free. It's called DNA.

It stands for Don't Nark Ashole. Yes. And what it is is you tell the constables nothing and then they're kind of fucked. Cloyca, you were saying that the three Fs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, did you just call me cloaca? I believe it's clocus. Clocus, I'm so sorry.

Yes. Use your cloaca to say clocus. Oh, the three of us is that short for any excuse me a forensic and quizz it is talking. Okay, yeah, the first one is find. You got to find the evidence. Okay, and then you got a fixate on the evidence. And then you got to do a forensics on the evidence.

That's the three of us. Okay, do a forensics on the evidence that's the three F's okay do a forensics so it's like a dance move yet well yeah a a can be I have seen dance used in the uncovering of murderers well I I am going to die soon so perhaps on old and that. What? I heard a thing or two about this guy that's pretending to die in this game. Pretending? Ah! Wow, I doubt it! There's words not mine. Well, I've talked to somebody. I used to do it. Be careful.

This guy is a forensics inquisitor. Like, he might be able to sniff out that you're trying to fake your own death. You do? You're coming off a little guilty. Well, we have to, we have to learn his secrets then. Let's learn the science of forensics. Well, the first rule, and I like to write this on the ground so the kids can engage in the sciences, but I always say science and reason Trump all but magic, which will whip your ass. That's what we say in the forensic field. Science will come for you.

Oh, we wrote it in the dirt and here come the kids. Oh, oh, good. I didn't. The kids are just telling me they're loving you right something in the dirt. They're just desperate for it. It's like they're waiting for it. Hey, put that on the down! I could've was carrying that arm in his mouth. He was playing it like a little wound.

That's a king! Sorry about that. Get out of here, scram! You all be dead soon, sorry about that. Sorry, focus, sorry about that. No, yeah, yeah, I mean... We try to keep it professional. Generally, don't let the children play with...

pieces of other people. Ah, so the first step you taught us was find. Oh, where did you find the body of the king? Okay, I wrote this down. If you take this this road up here about four miles down you'll come to the gooseberry goose Sanctuary it's a goose sanctuary. Oh, though all of their geese are perished But I've all like they've all been put down. Yeah, they actually ate some of the other body parts and we're there for poison By the poison that poison the king He was chocked he was stabbed 370 times and poisoned? Yeah, some of the stabs removed body parts

so I don't know how to say lacerate versus a stab. We're still engineering. The person we're looking for may be bad at murder. It took them a lot of stabs and poison. It did feel personal. I think that is a way to look at it as someone was emotionally invested in chopping this person up and feeding him to Geese. Yeah, once you pass the 200 stab threshold, I feel like you're really trying to like send a personal message. That's one of my favorite sayings. Clocus, Clocus, can I ask, when all the geese died, do we know what happened to the ganders? Oh shoot, I didn't even look, I didn't even ask.

Because simply what's bad for the geese is bad for the ganders. Do you know how to do a gander, Cole? Yeah, let me warm up the old vocal pipes. Actually, let me just shape shift my head into a gander or a goose actually. Let's turn it to goose. Hey, hey ladies! Ladies, hey! Oh no! Oh shoot!

I believe that if this person had a personal vendetta against King Johann, then we must learn about who some of his compatriots and enemies were to see if one of them was bearing a grudge or some jealousy. Haha, compatriots. I do have a theory here, because two of my first arrests with the forensic inquisitor guild One was just a guy who killed another guy, but one guy who called himself the filaterator Because I I guess he just filate The like filater. Oh, okay. I was gonna say where's this guy? Hey

Murder me filate now or fillet later. Ha ha. This is serious. No, this man has killed 400 people. I think I'm sorry I've I've met a kind of youngest crocodile, but never fillator gator. This is serious, Trump. What are you doing? I'm going through something personal. I'm upset. Okay, my egg was possibly cracked. I was sent a piece of a shell. And I'm using come puns as a way to deflect, okay? I'm using blue humor as a way to feel better about myself. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And yet clocus is here.

And offering you this opportunity, he's saying, come and knock on my door. Walk through that door of science. Okay, okay, you're right. I can use a lot of this on the road when I go look for Aiki, baby. Three ups, fine fixates and do a forensics. Okay, I'm sorry.

Clocus, please continue. I don't remember where I do have other helpful acronyms that might help you. Oh, he says, please. This is one I came up with myself. acronyms that might help you. Oh, he's got it. Oh, he's got it. So, I'm sorry. Oh, he's got it. So, I'm sorry. Oh, he's got it. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry.

So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry.

So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry. pain your dignity. Don't be epicurus and enjoy ranch dressing.

Oh, that's so helpful. Yeah, right? I really like that sometimes the letter is the first word in it and sometimes the letter is like the third word in a sentence. It's just really. Keep you on your toes. Yeah, because if it was always the first letter, I think it would have been a beauty.

And that's not as good as murder. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, okay. If you remember, mind, uncover, reason, dignity, Epicurus Ranch. Oh. That's all six, that's murder. That's murder.

That's the mnemonic device. So you always use this mnemonic device at the bureau. Would you also do it in front of other furniture? Like, do you do it at in front of the dresser? The nightstand. Are you asking me if I use acronyms with my nightstand? I think you was asking about the bureau. You sort of brushed past the bureau,

and we wanted to know more about it. Well, it's mostly just me. There were two other people, but they were also murdered, and those are unsolved. I don't know. Can I ask, I don't know how long you've been doing this? Five years.

Five years, okay. Yes, so, great. So you must have solved a lot of murders in that time, or at least, I've solved two. Okay. I arrested two humans, and I arrested a cave troll, though the cave troll did escape. So just the two then probably.

It's hard to arrest a cave troll. They're rather large. Yes. You have to have a pair of binders that would fit around their wrists,. You have to have a pair of binders that would fit around their wrists, and you have to have a cart that you can lower their head into. Yes. And then you have to have a cage or a jail cell large enough told them.

That's a lot of overhead. We just tried to cram cram them in there. Yeah. Did not take, did not, did not enjoy that one. Oh, is cram a pneumonic device? Yes, it stands for clocus, is right, all right, man. Makes sense. Wow, so it really was.

You know, you do have to, I do wanna say, you have to be careful. You guys remember Johnny, we had this friend named Johnny who did a lot of Numeric devices. And now he's dead. Yeah. And by dead, I mean, doing extremely A, okay, dude. Okay.

Clocus, can I ask how many of your Numeric devices involve your own name? Like, you have to remind yourself, Clocus, solve investigation. CSI. Is Numeric hear this conversation? Because more than I'd like to admit, honestly. Okay. I do have trouble remembering basic things. I see a dead body that's just eviscerated everywhere

and I just write out the window, forget who I am. I don't wanna say a thing, but your pants are on your top and your shirts on your bottom. So yeah, it does look like you have a little bit of, you focus so hardcore on solving murders that you forget simple tasks because you're such a genius. I like to think I have a lot of good information that could grow this Bureau, this guild.

Over multiple years, I do have concerns that I'm wasting my time trying to arrest dragons. Yeah. Cannot be arrested. They will not go quietly. No, they'll devour you or such a flame, or just fly away. Honestly, there's so many ways for them to just get out of it.

Or just sit there and be like, no, I'm not like trying to move me. Clocus, may I admit something to you? Yes. You were on to something before. I am trying to fake my own death. Relax gentlemen, I think perhaps what you need is someone by your side such as such an eccentric genius crime solver What if I tailed you and as a veteran of the terrible wars I've been through here in this world I begin to document your adventures and we could come up with a good fake name for me like

Dr. Juan Jots like Dr. Juan Johnson. Dr. Juan Johnson, or what about Daggerus? Daggerus, oh that's fun too. I would warn you, it might get a little lonely out on the road, but I think we will come across so many murders that you could blame for your fake death. You might be able to work this out. Oh wonderful. Well let me think of this pondret for a while longer.

While we take a break. Yeah thanks for saying yeah. I snap in the arms. Is that what you meant? That's evidence. All right, this is exciting. We... We... Segway to the... Gooseberry... Goose Sanctuary? Is that one this place? Gooseberry Goose Sanctuary, yes.

AKA the scene of the crime. Ooh. So, Clocus, can you sort of point to where you found the body? Was it all together? Or did you have to collect the pieces? If you look out amongst this half mile of Goosebizera, sort of cobbled in there, there were pieces of the body, though I have moved them. If you look over onled in there, there were pieces of the body, though I have moved them. If you

look over on the left there, that's what's left of the king, that's his dong, that's his head, and those are his ears. Watching Clocus walk through the goose viscera, I, Juan Jotson knew that there had never been a greater, more brilliant investigator in all of Foon. Oh, low how the forces of evil should fear his inquisitorate powers. Sorry, just taking some notes. Peculiar.

Oh, what? If you notice, one of his ears has a goose bite in it. Oh. No, the goose just got hungry and then that goose also died. So never mind. Oh, yeah. Okay. Crossing that one off real quick. Eerr.

Not the goose. Carping one of the dead goose that says, I gave you all the clues. Hello, Mr. Inquisitor. Wait guys, I'm not an expert. Could that be a clue? That handwriting is so interesting. Yeah, peculiar. As Clocus said, peculiar, I knew there had never been a more brilliant investigator in all of Foon. Sorry, just take a few minutes.

I think the thing that killed the geese and the thing that killed the king was the same thing. That's why they're all exploded. Yeah, now all we have to do is find the thing and what it is and this whole case is solved. We're wizard man, what is a spell that could eviscerate both Geese and King? Uh, well, uh, let's see, uh, there's a Goose Splowdia, but that would only work on a Goose. Yeah, they're just worth on the Goose. See, there's a- Are the Zerring just like blanket evisceration spell or do they really like Yeah, but that's what only work on a goose. Yeah, that just work on the goose. See, there's a-

Are the syringes just like blanket of a serration spell or are they really like tightly subcategorized? Great, now I'm thirsty for a tall glass of goose splodia. Thanks a lot, Yusador. Ah, there's royal blammo. I don't think that would work on the goose though. Ah, well, actually, can we hold, can you do a royal blammo on that tree over there? Oh, sure.

Watch out, Chant. You were once royalty. I don't want you to get caught in the crossfire. Oh, yeah, let me get behind you. Royal Lammo! Ah, the tree seems fine. Yeah, well, some of the leaves fell off. That probably not powerful enough though, no. Wait, did you say royal blamo? Yeah, the spell that blows up royal people?

Clearly. I saw about two miles down the road there. It looks like a king-sized bed leapt into the sky and exploded. Gentlemen! I think I've discovered it. Have you heard the spell 8 billion knives? Oh, sure.

Yeah, the spell that launches 8 billion knives. Right. That's a lot of knives. Exactly. That could affect Geese and King alike. Both are susceptible to knives. I've uncovered it. Wow, what a genius. Now what had ever occurred to me? I was sitting here thinking could it be six billion knives, could it be seven billion knives? That wouldn't be enough. I thought it was one knife several times.

Hmm. So I think to solve this crime, my friends, we must discover which people in the King's Royal Court. I don't know why I'm suddenly English, I just get very into it. You're in your detective mode, which means your senses are heightened, which means your voice is heightened. It makes total sense to me. And you just said which people. There are a lot of witches in this general area. Oh yeah. But how many witches work in the castle? Hmm.

The witch that works in the castle is our corporate. I am sure. Hmm. Well, yes, there's a castle witch, a castle hawkspire, but I believe her to be a good witch. And I know that many years ago, she had a lover fair with the king, but surely she's not holding any grudges against him. Well. I believe her to be a good witch. And I know that many years ago, she had a love affair with the king,

but surely she's not holding any grudges against him. Well, that seems like a key piece of evidence. Yeah. Would you describe their breakup as, let me just, messy? Oh, messy. Okay, that's an acronym. Yeah, what does that stand for Clocus?

Messy that stands for mind everything so you're sure and sassy yourself. Oh Yeah, exactly right It does it does sound like what also would be messy is eight billion knives hitting a field of geese and the king who was just trying to feed them. The billion knives can't be wrong. Oh boy. Can we take a moment to talk about

how I appreciate the king, Yohan, Fed his own geese? I think that was nice. Stan, a lot of kings would have someone else do that. You just wanted to like, you know, give back. I mean, you said, or don't be naive. Do you think he, I mean, look, I feel like he was just out here throwing a little bread out. Do you think that that king really fed all these geese?

There are so many geese here. Well, I don't know that he fed all of them, but he did like to get his hands dirty. He liked to, you know, get to know the regular folk. Oh, no, I just discovered something Clocus, I don't know if this is something but follow me. Okay, the king was feeding the geese. Yes geese eat bread Yes rhymes with bread dead Whoa

Same time same Same time. Get goose bumps! Oh my god, it's dark! It's dark! It's all coming together. It's so good at this. And Sebastian the Baker, he had in love affair with the King many years ago, and they also had a very acrimonious breakup. So perhaps the bread is what made them dead. Although it seems like it was 8 billion

knives. There are so many suspects. How do you do it, Clocus? Oh, and Goosebumps leads me to think it could be Arlesdine's monster. I briefly considered that. Who's Arlesdine? Arlesdine, the really large Stein. You know, Arnie, like a chalice or a cup of Stein? There's that really large Stein who created a smaller version of itself. It's, he calls it its monster. And it goes around terrorizing urges. I always think of that monster as RL Stein. But that's RL Stein's monster.

Yes, oh, common mistake, common mistake. That giant Stein is like a scientist? He's, well, he's a Stein-intest. There's a difference. You know, a lot of Stein a stein-entist. There's a difference. He had a lot of signs of funny names these days. What are we talking about? You saw one understand. Okay, just to bring us back on track real quick. Yeah, two suspects. The castle witch. Yeah. And the bread boy. And I suppose that, you know, at know at Castle Hawkspire, one of the elementary courses is to learn 8 billion knives.

That is one of the earliest magic spells taught to everyone in the castle. Something on his scroll seems to really have his attention. It wasn't 8 billion knives, It was 4 billion knives twice! Oh! The witch and the breadboard did it! Oh, for them! Wow, you used to door Clocus to discover that right when you said elementary. Ah! Elementary!

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Wonderful! Maybe that should be my new catchphrase. Try grade school. Grade school, my dear Clocus. Nah, I think it's elementary. Let's take another quick break and, uh, let's figure out who we're gonna go arrest. Oh, I do need a rest. All right, well before we wrap up this case, I think,

does anybody want to round a drink on me? Yes. Clocus, what is Draco anybody want to round a drink on me? Yes. Clocus, what is Draco? Clocus, what are you drinking? What are you once around on you? Do you have goose juice? Goose juice? Sorry, all this talk of geese got me really in the mood for goose juice.

After all that goose visor that we were waiting through, do you want goose juice? Yeah, I have problems. Okay, goose juice. Yeah, the goose juice. John? Can I get a... I really shouldn't. Can I get a little Stein of Gusblosia? No, you know what that's gonna do to your stomach. I don't care. Arnie, it's worth it. Also, Arnie, hey buddy, real quick. Yeah, under the table. Meet me under the table. Okay,

oh god, this is some... Well, actually, this is a tall table, so I can just walk under here. What is it, bud? I didn't is a tall table, so I can just walk under here. What, what is it, bud? I didn't want to say anything, but I think I might have cracked the case. The king was killed amongst the field of goose. What do goose do, what sound do they make? Honk? Yes, who's an assassin that we know?

Honk the assassin? Yeah, could it have been him? It's certainly possible. Okay, I don't want to say anything, because he's our friend. You know, he's like our one-hour friend. Our friend for now. He's a friend for now.

Let's frame someone else then. I've been down here the whole time. Dude, you're so darn, you really blend in with the wood. I'm going back up. All right, Arnie, I'll meet you back. OK, hey, hey, hey, I'll go get the drinks. So, Clocus, walk us through your list of suspects again. There's a witch in a bread boy.

We have the castle witch, castle witch, who had a relationship with King Johann III. We have the local bread boy, the Bredsman. Also had a relationship with King Johann III. And what's this? I had a relationship with King Johann III. What the fuck? You just read that in your notebook or you just remembered?

Both none. Both and none. You did mention earlier you've been having some blackout periods I believe? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll call my gosh. So okay, where is my goose juice? Sorry, I was banged myself up here. Alright, I need a goose juice for you. Thank you.

A goose. Sorry. Thank you. Ooh, goose juice for you. Thank you. A goose. Blasivo for you, chant. Guss Blasivo, Arnie, that's just water that's made to look like goose bosia. I'm sorry, I'm moving. And then I drink it and then I think it's working, but it's not, that's a goosey boat. Okay.

Now I'm all ready to go on the goose juice. I just want to say that yeah, maybe sometimes I hang out with a king and we do kizzy stuff sometimes. Whatever. This guy's fucking wasted and all he did was sniff his cup. That was so fast. I have a lightweight, okay? I have a hot. Lemme own.

No, no one's shaming you here. I just know that if you did do this horrible deed, we don't want to frame anyone else, but if you worked in cahoots with them, perhaps we can help rehabilitate you in some way. Well, hang on, though. I just wrote a note in my notebook that says, I don't know the spell, 8 billion knives.

Oh! There's both. I could not have been the murderer of both the Geese and the King, I don't know the spell 8 billion knives. Hmm. There's both of them. I could not have been the murderer of both the Geese and the King, though I don't know if I'm off the hook for the King yet. Except you said it wasn't the spell 8 billion knives. It was the spell 4 billion knives twice. Yeah, look for the spell.

Yeah. 4 billion knives. How do I not answer a question? Hmm. Well, I usually change the subject. I do know four billion knives, yes. Wait a second. I feel like King Yohan III had some kind of romantic

entanglement with lots and lots of people in this general area. I feel like I kept hearing about that. Like, is it possible that this is one of those situations where there were several billion people each with one knife? Let's see. The population of Castle Hawk Spire is about, you know, I'd say,

11 billion people, you know, I'd say 11 billion people, and you have to assume that some percentage of those are children, or elderly people, or people just, or just, or just, or just like, people who don't have access to knives. They aren't sexually attracted to kings. That's sort of things. I've done the math. If you factor for 3 billion children being absolutely shit at throwing knives

That would have created that scene of both the geese and the king. I think we all killed the king That solves it then and in that way when you really think about it. It's really just an election A lot of people cast their vote against that king. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and they said, no thanks, get the hell out. I was going to say it's more of a murder on the Gooseberry Express kind of thing, but it is kind of an election. I mean, generally an election, you would say, well, this is the person you want to be the king.

Generally in election you would say, well this is the person we want to be the king Versus like well, let's just kill the current guy. So now there's a power vacuum. Yes Well, I think the people have spoken and if they all were willing to kill the king Even the children even with their terrible aim. Yeah, I mean that's the saddest part of all I think that the children wanted to murder the king But just were bad at it. Have you ever walked into a kid's bathroom? It is awful. That's terrible. Wait, what? What are you talking about? Do you want to do a kid's bathroom? They have terrible aim. Chomp, stop walking into children's bathrooms.

Yeah, no, no, no, no. You got it wrong. Chomp, I'm recording. I meant when I was a child. Ah, oh yes. Yes, you had terrible aim as a child. I'm not wrong. I met when I was a child. Ah, oh yes. Yes, you had terrible aim as a child. I remember that. Well, Clocus, I've got to say, I'm pretty impressed when you came in here, you had only solved two cases.

And now three. Yeah, or if you count to five people like Billy, this. Wow, Clocus is, he's doing a forensic. He's doing a forensic. Yeah, or if you count it by people like Billy this. Wow, Gorkas. He's doing a forensic. He's doing a forensic. Oh, yeah, doing a forensic. Yes, but I do think Ode was going to give you

since you solved the crime and there was so many perpetrators. I think he was willing to give you the full 8 billion. Yeah. So that would be 8 billion and two you've solved. Yeah, I, that is a lot of paper work. Did not think through that one. Do you guys mind doing 2 billion arrest reports? E-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H restaurants. Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that? Yes, hold on. Hold on.

What would you want? Stupid. And once again, magic saves the day. Exceseur! You know, on my world we have thousands of hours of stories that are sort of similar, like about similar investigations. And I've watched about two or three hours of those and this has had a lot less semen analysis and they're usually in this kind of a case.

What? Why, it's nowhere near the ocean. Wait, we will timeout. Are you ignoring 8 billion cups of geese semen? We found a knife! Hold on, that's what was in those cups. Hold on, I knew. Well, whether we drank gooseymen or not in this episode, I think we can all agree that justice has been served. Hurrah! You know, that might be the perfect segue to an email.

You know, listeners, you can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address, or if you join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. You can also ask us questions there. Here's one. Dear Arnie Chunt and the late Yucidor. I was saddened to hear about Yucidor's second untimely, totally real and not at all fake death. I would have gone to visit his death bed,

but I'm stuck on shitty old earth. Also Arnie and Chunt, please stop stalling for time by engaging with every random termite or paladin you happen to run into. There's a reason we're taught not to speak to strangers and it's because they bloat podcast running time. Don't die, Holly. PS, if Genleivia seriously didn't turn up, then I think you need to accept

that it's over for good, UC. Ugh, whoa, Holly, driving a bomb with that PS. How dare you suggest such a thing. Genevieve the Red is the most perfect, wonderful, sparkling diamond in the sky and, nair, shall I speak an ill word of her, but I'm a little pissed you and show him. Wait, PS might be an acronym for, um, Proposterous Shit. So I think set after PS is just like a joke, it's just Proposterous. Oh yeah. Wait, PS might be an acronym for Proposterous shit. So I think set after PS. It's just like a joke. It's just preposter. Oh, yeah Okay, but in all sincerity, didn't leave you as terrible for you. Look, I love Gene leave you. I just don't love her for you

Okay, is she a huge get? Yes Of course we're gonna keep having her on. Sure, but I don't know if you two should be in a relationship Oh, okay. Well, I'll think about that. I suppose. Yeah, though it doesn't matter since soon. I don't know if you two should be in a relationship. Oh, okay. Well, I'll think about that, I suppose. Yeah, though it doesn't matter. Since soon I'll be dead. The thing I really fixated on that letter is that we were told not to speak to strangers, even though that's the entire premise of this show.

A new idea. That's the entire premise of the show. Well, speaking of speaking to strangers, Clocus,, I gotta know how are the King's kisses? The King's kisses um He's checking his notes. Yeah, no, I do I do have a couple pages on his luscious lips I called him Brian is that weird No, I think the column King would be weird. King Brian, that's what we always,

I, yeah, well, God, what's the best way to say this? He kissed like a coyote. Oh, so you guys were making out than a big Anvil fell on his head? Sometimes he bit me. I've got another real quick email here. Let's see here. This one, the subject line,

what listeners do while listening? Howdy assholes. I'm dare you. I like to listen while I have my morning coffee and get stone so I can handle living in rural America. A big hot hunk of love, signed the master, Bung Rippa. Here here.

Damn unbelievable that someone would have coffee casually walk outside and then be stoned for their sins. That's That's a badass rural America. It's tough. It's every morning too. Oh Was there a question in there? Nope, they just wanted us to know that now we do. Thank you for your email, Master Bong, Ripa. Yes, thank you. And keep listening. I wonder if they're related to Kelly Ripa. So the king kissed like a coyote. So he would also like paint what looked like a bed on the side of a rock and then you

would slam into it? Yes, and he would yell, OOOOOOO! Like right after. You know, I don't know. Sad he's gone. I never met him, but I'm kind of indifferent. Like, we had our time, but it's over.

It's over. I mean, obviously it's over, because he exploded with a bunch of geese, but... Right. Yeah. Well, Clocus, what's next for you? Ah, well, I'll head back to the Bureau with a third case solved. Take that, my boss. Oh, you have a boss?

Okay, so this, this might complicate our entire conversation. My boss was King Yohan the... I've worked for you. Oh, tonight I've led with that. Tonight I've led with that. Yeah. We were also dating. Yeah, this, I don't look good right now. Do I yeah? I look real bad

That's bad on him more. Yeah, I mean he was abusing his power. I was just there Even if it's not yeah, it's just a power dynamics not good Yeah, I don't mind. He said sorry. I said it out loud. I don't care Also, I think you were one of the murderers right like I don't care. Also, I think you were one of the murderers, right? Like we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we was your boss, but we should, if we're going to be respectful, we should bury the lead. So I'll grab the phallus here in this arm. Oh, classic chunt. Hey, I don't come to where you are and knock the phallus out of your hand.

You did that yesterday. Oh, yeah. You used to be a smacker thing. Sorry about that. You did that today in the field when I showed you the King's phallus. Yeah. I'm right out of his hand. Yeah. When don't you smack a

palace. Sorry, I just grew up in an area where we played a game called Foulos Lab. I'm sorry. Ow. Well, you know what? He was murdered and he's gone, but I guess one last drink to King Johann III. Razure Goose-Juson the air. He was loathed by billions, but

loved by geese. Down-hatch-y old-snatch. Delicious. And on that note, Clocus had solved yet another crime, and I, what Jotson knew that he was the greatest and most brilliant investigator of them all. And though he would never speak of it, I know often when he looked at that portrait of King Johann. He dreamt of the way King Johann's lips were soft like butter and sweet like wine, even though sometimes he got a bit. Crime, of course that stands for Clocus, really impressive murder

investigator smolder uh another night fiddling with the meta data settings so people searching for children's bathrooms don't wind up on our doorstep when sondheim said art is an easy this is what he meant and now a list of all the people involved with today's broadcast so you can do all your blocking on social media at once wizards choice Choice Award nominee, Usur or the Blue, was played by Matt Young. Chant, the talking badger, was played by Adolf Reffire. Clocus, the forensic inquisitor, was played by special guest Mikey Newman.

Check out Mikey's funny and insightful film criticism video series, Movies with Mikey, on the Filmjoy YouTube channel. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. And big news, all of Offices and Bosses Season 2 is now available on the Patreon, along with the usual twice a month bonus episodes, add free versions of the regular show, and more. If Offices and Bosses is the thing that finally tips you over into wanting to support the show, get more info at patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is slapped together, uh, produced by Arne Neacamp, Mad Young and Adolf Refy. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Tim Joyce, Special Assistant by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller at LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. So is it your thing or is it Arnie's thing? It's, I guess it's... Paul Roe versus Wade?

Yeah. We can cut that out. Or is it Arnie's thing? It's, I guess it's Paul Roe versus Wade. Yeah. We can cut that out. Haha.