Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 19 - Seven Years (w/ Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Gourley & Mark McConville)

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

It's Villain's Night at the Strange Familiar and...Magic Tavern's 7th Anniversary!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungThe Night Doctor: Paul F. TomkinsMelissa Deathridge: Matt GorleyOgre What’s Good at Magic: Mark McConvilleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew Merch is available here!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, and I have no illusions. I know most weeks you're only playing this recording to anger your houseplants, or as a security device to make approaching thieves think your apartment is filled with three arguing white guys. But this episode is actually worth listening to. It's an anniversary I'm told. If I have this right, it's been 23 years to the day since our first and only four star iTunes review. And a very tiny corner of that gray fifth star is filled in yellow.

I should add, a distinction we cherish to this day. I may have some of these details wrong, which is my own special way of staying on-brand. Now, lean way back in that big comfortable armchair you looked at for so many years but could never afford. Oh God, how did you even drag it out of that pottery barn without anyone noticing? Then, all those mall security cars speeding behind your van. The way you jumped it over the drawbridge, had you lost your mind? Two of those cop cars went into the river. You don't even know if they survived.

You still wake up sometimes hearing the sirens grow muffled as they sank beneath the water. Ugh, if you had a human soul before, you certainly don't anyway. That armchair. Ooh, it's like resting against a giant panda. And enjoy the show Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Seven years ago, pretty much exactly, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast. Recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of nibble bottom at the base of the Unnameable Mountain.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-hosts. They've been my co-hosts from the very beginning. Shantatalking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, buddy? In case you didn't notice, happy anniversary, seventh anniversary of our podcast. Happy seven-year-end anniversary to you as well.

And, Arnie, I've been practicing. I don't know if you know this, but in Fune, there's something called the seven-year splits, where you're with someone either romantically or maybe collaboratively, and after seven years you start to get boring, right? Things get stale. Great start to this episode celebrating our seven-year.

The kids are going, I'm listening. No, it wasn't an indictment, but what happens is someone will learn the splits and the relationship and that kind of spices things up. So I have been practicing the splits for the last six and a half years. So that today on the seven year anniversary I can do the splits. Here we go.

Okay. Arnie, drum roll please. Okay, I can't do that. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, you don't need to put your finger between your lips. Arnie, you look like a craze rabbit. What?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here we go use it or use it or yeah, well on do you have a spell that can make me do the splits? Sure push push out on my shoulders push down my shoulders. No, I'll split you in half very Turol Here to me now be clever and in half. Oh Did I do it? Oh god, it's terrifying! Ah, I think my legs are broken too. Tada! Already hold on!

Already hold on! Tada! Oh! But it means so much, I really appreciate it. And it means, especially a lot that half a year in you are like, you know what? This is gonna last seven years, so I'm gonna start the process of learning these splits. And yes, you did not accomplish it in that time, but still, it's the thought that counts.

Thank you, thank you. Did you want me to sing a lovely rendition of nasty little revuoles for the anniversary? Maybe, that seems so special. We should put on credits. What's that? All those post credits. Like, we're gonna do a whole extra episode after the credits, I guess.

I understand, it's not about me. Yeah, but I gotta get back together. What's that? Should I put Chutten back together? Yeah. I'm in Twain. Yeah, it's a little... Well then, maybe I should be introduced. Oh. I am joined also by my other co-host,

Usador the Blue. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth, Brill, or the blue? I am you said, or was it, or the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow? Minibian Light, or Magical Lights? Devour of chaos? Champion of the Great Holes, the Trockus, the Edoves, Nubius, Fien, Yelif, the Dwarves, Nome, Zonen, and Hukestenges, and I am known in the Northeast as Gasmunius, Mastar. That's my aim? And now I am known as that he who has slain the Dark Lord Lord and he who has reunited the two halves of Chant,

Arrow Coroth Tiraapah! Wow! My legs are still broken! Yeah. Yeah, well what are you gonna do? There's no magic for that. Yeah, leave them so I can keep doing the splits. Well, you saw, I don't know if you noticed, this is a special treat. I did all of my retorts to your secret names.

I haven't done any of them in a long time, but I did all of them. I did notice what a wonderful way to celebrate these seven years by being kind of a dick. Hmm, yeah, but only kind of. Yeah. I can ask and I really appreciate that it seems like you decorated the place a little more than usual for our seven year anniversary.

Yes, you'll notice there are seven candles and seven mirrors and seven circles drawn upon the ground and seven great gems of power floating in the air above us. And Arnie, you see those seven brothers over there and then across the way those seven unwed women? Whoa, I don't know. I feel like watching them is going to be problematic, but I'm still going to enjoy it more than I'd like to admit. Oh, wait, they don't know if you like watching them is gonna be problematic, but I'm still gonna enjoy it more than I'd like to admit. Oh wait, they don't hold up? I don't know, I think they do, that's a problem. They do hold up those brides and abduct them, I think.

Oh, never mind, get out of here, hey, hey, get out of here, the 14 of you, get out of here, you shagged out, this is my place now. But you start some of these banners say they, they, they, they, I can't really read them super well. They'll, you know, what you can't, you can't read now. When did that happen? You think that sign says Villanova.

It's a hard word. No one knows the V words. Let's be honest. It is a little confusing. Does the A come before the I or does the I come before the A? Well, ideally they come at the same time. I mean, if you're reciprocating. That's very woke of you.

Uh, it's Villains Night. Uh, it turns out, uh, when I bought to the bar, I didn't realize there was a Villains Night. But I thought maybe I'd keep it on the books to see like a lure in you. Oh, yeah, maybe we should set up some traps like, okay, here's what I'll do. You should or why you magic a big net above that table over there. Then I am going to stand on that diving board over there. Arnie, can you hold this big ball and roll it towards me when the time is right? Okay, do you need a drum roll?

Yeah, can you muster the adder? When it's time, I'll know. Flame of volcano, and ice of bug. Here, let there be contraption of. Room, go bug. Ice of bird? Bug, bug. Oh, ice of bug.

Oh, that town we get all the ice for. I do, I bother with couplets at all. Good question. Good. What question? I feel like you typically don't bother. Typically you're like, zimmon up, bop, bop.

It's simply like scatting jazz. Don't, don't, don't say, zimmon, bop, bop. What, what did I just do? Those are some of the most dangerous magic words and all the food. What's that black door that just appeared in the center of the town?

Don't open that door. Don't even look at it. Pretend like it's not there. And why does that door say never gonna get it, never gonna get it? Well, it was a good seven years, but I think we should end right there. So this door is no longer in vote. We should ignore it. Exactly. Pay it no mind. Okay. Alright, well let me get the first round of drinks to celebrate seven years.

Or any would he want, buddy? I will have... I'll never give me a red potion. I will have just a mead. Great, I'll have a mead. And we'll get you like a seven-year barrel-aged mead just to kind of fancify it. Use the door, would he want, buddy? I would like the eye of a salamander

that's been fermenting in olive oil for seven years. So two meads, all right, I'll be right back. Hmm, it's just me and you, bud. This is always awkward. I know. It's kind of more like with friends of friends. No, I wouldn't say that. We're good friends, but you know,

it's just hard when there's two people. It's always good to have three people around. Yeah, I guess so. So how's, um, how's your magic stuff? The good, good, still dying. I'm still dying. I'm like, on my deathbed.

And that's still, and that's still a ruse, right? You're not really dying. Just catching up on that. Yes, yes. I, everyone expects me to disappear into a great shaft of light that shall disappear into the heavens since I completed my true purpose. But if I didn't really complete my true purpose,

that's part of the lie we've been pushing forth this year. And, well, frankly, oh, thank God, John's back. Oh, thank God. Hey, how are you? Hey, I just forgot. Drinks aren't ready, but Arnie, thank God, John's back. Oh, hey, how are you? Hey, I just forgot, drinks aren't ready, but Arnie, I forgot you'd mention not to leave you alone with Ysador, try not to. So let me give you a topic to discuss Ysador's magic.

I'll be right back. All right, did that one. Huh. Oh, so. Oh, did you, um, did you ever get back to Earth? Uh, no, but any day now. Okay.

Okay. Great, great, great. I think it's gonna be really satisfying. Hmm. And the best news is, say someone is listening to this episode for the first one, then they could still be excited like, oh, I didn't miss it. I didn't miss him getting back to Earth. That's still... That's still your whole thing. Yeah. How you doing? What? You're seven. Let's check that one off. The list.

Get me back to Earth. Okay. Okay. Sure. Well, yeah. We should... Yeah. Why not? Yeah. Here's our drinks and... Oh, hey, Tr, we should, yeah, why not? Mm-hmm, yep. Here's our drinks and uh... Oh, hey, Trot. How are you? Guys, sir. Good to see you, little buddy.

Oh, I'm a little nookie Mario. Oh! Oh, I owe my legs my legs. Um, here's our drinks and uh, sorry I brought company, but these gents at the bar were kind enough to buy my drinks. Oh. Hello. Normally we sit at that table.

Where do you get off calling me a gent? I'm Melissa Dethridge, and I've got the fever for a taste of a tangy tomato teeny, and I'm not gonna live until I get one. Oh, how... My name's very familiar. One tomato teeny, please. And I am the night doctor Allow me to shake all three of your hands simultaneously

He has a third hand grafted onto his body And I have a third arm which has a hand attached to it And I only have one arm, so let me do it individually the same as I would if I had two arms, so All right nice to meet you. How do they slow dance? Hello! Major! So slow! What's it?

Big! I am over what's good at magic! Oh no, guys, am I the big of this? What? That's not good. Wait, wait, the... Oh, go what's good at magic Melissa death ridge. Yes Night doctor the night doctor. Oh, sorry. I suppose you didn't go to medical school for seven years and I'd be called the night medical school

Well I believe these are villains they might have been lured in by these Oh, honey, I believe these are villains. They might have been lured in by these uh, uh, banners that I home. Hey, yes, well welcome. Of course we're sitting right here. I wasn't referring to you But I might as well be being a villain all you know I hail from death rich Oh, so your last name is is actually where you're from yes, and I guess I guess you know I never had it explained to me on a count of I was orphaned

and that's part of why I'm a villain because I didn't get a lot of love. Missy, Missy, why don't you carry a deal? Why don't you sit down for a second, Missy? Okay, just get your bearings. Here, hold my good hand. It's time to go put food rise in the north. Feel your night, happy. That's right, the first Wednesday of the month. Oh no, I'm standing again.

God! Please! Please, feelin' it. Damn, sir. Okay, thank you. I'm sorry if I'm a little charged. I am a villain at all. Well, we've heard so much about all of you.

It is a pleasure to meet you and to have you here. What, what, in the various deeds have you been doing that I might, uh, smite you for? Well, I've been doing a bit of night, doctoringly lately, putting leeches on people at night when they're asleep, and then they wake up and, usually they roll over, crush the leeches which is Double bed because I've killed some innocent leeches as well So they're not they're not evil leeches just regular

But leeches are gross right? Yeah, I mean you think of them as evil. They're not doing anything wrong They're just doing their stuff. Yeah, now are these people your patients or are they are you just going up to random people who are seeing the putting leeches on them all of the innocent of food my patients and i'm straight up killing badgers uh what no it's just i'm uh it's just... I'm a... just so you know, on Shantai, I am Chant the shape shifter. Um, so please know that I can... in shift shapes. Okay, well, all I'm seeing is a whole lot of badge.

Mmm... Oh, let me close my little tigs. Damn. Thank you. I may be a villain, but I'm not a mongrel. Have some self-respect. Really, chat, dude. Beware! Melissa has a fatal instinct. Oh, yeah. What about you, Ogre?

Yeah, Ogre, what's good at magic? What are you been up to? My illusions or everyone loves them. I survive barrel over great falls of Tarakas. Walk through great wall of Tarakas. Juggle great balls of Tarakas. Close your legs. Goodness gracious. You use your illusions too? You said or you use illusions. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one.

I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one.

I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. I'm the blue one. We don't need no civil war! Oh! No Vembrane! And eventually, 20 years down the road

we'll get a Fune's democracy. Hopefully, fingers crossed. Why don't you count on it? My emotions delight while thieves and villains run through villages stealing from everyone while I do show. Oh, so you're more of the distraction while other people do evil? Hmm, so you're- Oh, yeah, you're on the inside.

It's not a coincidence. Yeah, I know, I think I had to. Uh, I suppose, oh, oh, I'm sorry, Missy, you said you don't get it? Well, I don't understand what it's talking about, but I honestly I asked for a tomato teeny-butt I've had a few Missy, he's saying that he does illusions and then evil is unleashed which when you think about it illusions are also evil because they're lies Oh right, it's a bit of a double whammy. I like it. No, amies. No amies. Where can I get nasty little ravie-o-lees? Stop 10% of... So... Some amies, some amies.

For having my brothers. Some tailed brothers, no-draathers. Well, uh, Chant, uh, uh, the ogre-what's good at magic. Uh, it was curious about some nasty little ravie-o-lees. Uh, I suppose that's more your field of study than mine. On feelings night, they're 10% all. Oh, oh no. Quite a deal.

Maybe I'll run and get some, um, the night doctor. Do you mind, my legs are broken? I've been having to kind of scoot around on my arms. Is there any way that you could fix my legs? Okay. Is that why your legs are so spread eagle? God, Sharon's stone much. Why don't you just change into an eagle?

Oh, good. I'd be an eagle with broken legs, but yeah, you're right. I could fly. Or a snake, snake doesn't have legs. Come on. Let's, let's all spitball this. When you think about it, though, a snake really is just one leg. Oh, yeah. Oh, let's unpack that. Okay. I'm a game.

Now, a snake in your mind is but a single leg? I was sort of as a torso without any legs or arms. Well, what's a leg without a torso, but a torso without a leg? Well, he's got you there, she's got you there. We've all got a half snake. Oh, she really does. I always think of a snake as a little tongue,

in a big tongue. Oh, I like that. That's like an alien, but I don't know if you're familiar with Earth movies. I'm a bit of an enthusiast, and they have little mouths that come out a little mouth. We love Earth movies. We watch them on Villains Night.

Oh. My favorite Earth movie is Earth Girls Are Easy. Oh. The party is that true? Yes. I mean, I don't know exactly what his favorite Earth movie is, but you're asking me. Oh, oh, is that true? Yes. I mean, I don't know exactly what his favorite Earth movie is, but you're asking, oh, oh, Earth Girls are easy. No, I think there's a lot of surprises in that movie. We'll watch it sometime. All right. Really?

Me think Snake is living rope. Oh, that could be. What if a snake could hang itself? Ooh, I mean, I think I feel like an oraborus already is, which is, I don't know if you know this, oraborus is a snake sucking its own dick. It sort of forms a rope or a loop in which it could hang itself or anyone, actually. I thought the oraborus was those pretty lights in the sky. That's a oraborus. Oh, no, that's a oraborus. Oh, that's a oraborus. Oh, no, that's a orab the sky. Oh, no, that's a horror.

That's a horror, the sleeping beauty. Give her a kiss, but you can't get consent. Now, what do you do? You even make a live action movie and change it up. I love Earth movies. Oni, what do you think a snake is? You know what I think a snake is? A wise guy?

Fang. Yeah, what do you think a snake is a wise guy? Fangs. Yeah, what do you think a snake is? Don't say, you don't say Kurt Russell again. Just answer the question. I want you to tell us what a snake is. I want you to have a dodging objection. A rule. It's not mean what snake is.

He's badgering the witness. Sorry, sorry, I'll stop. Ah, Arnie. We're witnessing a badger. Hurry, tell him. Oh, I think a snake is a collection of fangs in things that hide those fangs That's kind of all that matters to me So like a wolf and sheep's clothing to the snake. Yeah, exactly. That's a better way of saying it Do you think a wolf is also hiding wolf's teeth? Anyway, if he's mouth is closed

Anything with teeth is really hiding its teeth except for those weird fish way way down in the ocean The ones they lead with their teeth like lamp rays the only evil each so I'm just a bag of meat. That's hiding wizard teeth If you're doing it right Glad you said it What if snakes are just lizards in a sleeping bag? Oh? Now that was a party prank I pulled one time when I was just learning to get my evil teeth. Oh, wait a year this story.

Yeah. Good one. Go ahead and don't leave out any detail. Well, sit back, relax and do enjoy because here we go. I was having a party. It was my big birthday in that it was the year was not as specific as my weight at the time. Why did she pull out a guitar? She's just telling a story and has no arms. I was only two years old and I had an

a friend in sight. I asked to my mommy, mommy, dear, what will I do tonight? She said, I've got a surprise for you, my little, lovie girl. The surprise was that I wasn't her lovie girl. I was a bad lord from man. This is Melissa DeFridge. Everybody hear her song. This is Melissa DeFridge. Everybody sing along. Now that's a very rich...

You never let me get to that part. Oh, well, that's part of it is that we could coffeinize together. Ha ha ha ha ha. Because the villains get it. Ask that BMI. Uh, so do the three of you off works together? Yes.

And we're coming up on seven years together. Yes. Oh. Seven years ago is the first time we pulled some evil things together. I was doing tricks pulling scarves out of hat and these two started doing their thing. Unimpeded for my tricks were captivating everybody in small village. Yeah, it was turning tricks. I was putting scarves into hats.

Oh, evil. Nobody wanted to be there. We got it together. It's a big developmental stage for villains when they start doing parallel evil for the first time. It's sort of like you're doing your thing and then you look up and like what evil? Hey, get over here. Yeah. Hey, thanks for backing me up.

You got it, big boy. You're my good guy. Oh, and you, my little lady. Oh, get over here. I'm only got one hand. Hey, hold you. Oh, you're my little lady. Oh get over here. I'm gonna I'm gonna hold you. Oh, okay. I've got three arms. Oh, you these days a week We make a normal couple Oh How's that possible? Yeah, I'm listening a quick break and let this sort of calm down a little bit,

and we'll be right back. Well, I don't want to. Keep going. Hahaha. Welcome back to the seventh anniversary of Hello from the Magic Tavern, and I guess you could say also the seventh anniversary of these three villains, former minions of the Dark Lord, first working together. Yes, you buried the lead there. Do you have a group name that you work together under?

Is there a fun little name for your little troop? Of course we do, and we'll say it at the same time. Wonderful. Mmm, we sure will. at the same time. Wonderful. We sure will. This will be flawless. We call ourselves the Trichris Trio of Trichly Trash.

The Trichris Trio of Trichly Trash. Ask that BMI. Hey now, well, I'm being banged. Now listen, Trichly trash. That's got BMI. Hello. Hello. Hey, now, well, I'm on a BingBang. Now listen, I don't know if you really should be here for villains night. You regulars. Right.

You will pay regular price for drinks and snacks if you are not villain. Well, I am certainly no villain. I am the great wizard, you said all, a slayer of the Dark Lord. Have you ever chilled like a villain? I said have you ever chilled like a villain? Well, that's the thing. Did you hear the part about how he slew the Dark Lord? Huh? That's the-

You are the one that slew the Dark Yord? Dark Yord? Dark Yord. I have a backyard in a front yard, but no dark yard. I will, there are some rumors that drip fang in the necromancer, did it, but was I? Yes, we heard it was a great wizard that slew the dog lord. Yeah, that's me. But you're saying it's you? Yeah, do we-

One in the same. You this dying guy, you did it? Yeah, that's me. I'm almost dead because that was my one true purpose in life. Oh. Can you even stand? Oh no, I'm so weak and I'm dying. Uh, I'm a bit... Okay, but we're supposed to believe you slew the Dark Lord. Okay, all right, fine.

Uh, how many Dark Lords are there? Am I thinking of the... I'm thinking of like the main Dark Lord, is there another guy? Right. Which Dark Lord? Yeah, no, the big one, the main one. Uh, yes. You're not talking about Chad.

Rick? No, not Rick, not Chad, just the big one the the main one. Yes, you're not talking about Chad No, not Rick not Chad just the Lord No, not ony not ony Very easy to confuse but no the dark. Oh, he's a dim Lord. Oh damn arrows fire evil you look like a fool now You sir. I've been telling you to please erase that graffiti in the bathroom that says that. I wrote it. Oh, oh no, you're the Arnie from the bathroom? No hold on. First of all, no that's, I mean, the, there's graffiti about to be in the bathroom.

Oh wow! I'm from Earth. I'm from another world. If you read it, it must be true. Yes, yes. He does poop standing out that's true. I mean, it was printed. Fuck, Arnie, it looks like on the back of your shirt. I don't know if it was Melissa who wrote for a good time shit here

I did also did my favorite graffiti. I did in the bathroom is Arnie shits on his hands Upside down, but out of his mouth It's a poem. Sorry. I really had to think about that. It took me a second to unpack. Yeah. That's why everyone walks out of the bathroom so quiet. It's very contemplative.

Arnie, stick up for yourself. Do something. Yeah. Do something, Arnie. Do something big. Yes. Pick a card. Oh.

Pick a card. Oh, he's doing his illusions. You're only having one car. Okay. Show to everyone. Make sure they see. Okay, but can you see it? I look the other way. Okay, but you're looking straight at me.

I look up now. Okay, but you're looking. You're anywhere in pile of cars. Okay. How is he doing? The frunk of harps. What is that? Your car, frunk of harps, eat on your friend Badger. Come on, let me see that deck. It's all frunks of harps.

Don't give away his tricks for you. Oh, sorry. I guess I thought we were doing a pen and teller bit or something. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my It's been shouted in the town square all the secrets of the tricks. All right to be fair Melissa was being evil Are you do you have a pact we are not evil to one another? Oh? Honor among thieves who needs it. Yeah, we're not thieves. Yeah, thieves are bad. We not like them. We hate thieves That's fair. We met some thieves a while ago actually was two thieves and pirate but They think they're How about those guys were great though. Oh, and he did we ever tell you about Pen and Teller?

No. Down at the local bank, there's a certain employee there who has a pen and the two of them have a little kind of stick together. Oh. Yeah, that's who I meant. And the, the peller never talks, the pen does all the talking.

Yeah, it's sort of irritating, because you're just like, can I get 10 gold pieces out and I'm like, I'm pretending to the pen does all the talking yeah it's it's sort of irritating because you're just like can I get 10 gold pieces out and I'm like well well well well well well I'm pretending to the pen and talking you know just want to go you just want to get your 10 gold pieces and get the hell out of there we were the ones who got the silent teller the job he's not helpful to anyone damn you damn you that is evil we did it again gotcha so I'm surprised that you're still so dedicated to evil now that the Dark Lord is dead. I mean, I guess I sort of assumed that evil was on the retreating fune, and, like, there wasn't much for villains to do these days. Well, yes, less of villains may have scattered to the five corners of fune.

But now, with the Dark Lord gone, there is a vacuum of evil that we would like to fill Sorry, I'm writing that down five corners. I want to remember that this is for some of us there are five corners in food Oh, yes famously of course the five corners of food. It's a founta gone Yes North East Southwest and Leffer That's it. I'm not gonna rate those. I am our late. Oh Who are you? Scorpions tea party. Oh, I know you. I know you Melissa deathbird. Yeah. Yeah, you're you sing winds of change Wins of change winds of change dark logs gone, and I've got mange wins have changed win have changed

Do you dare to look in my eyes? I love that song. I never get sick of it. Thank you so much You welcome so scorpions tea party welcome to the strange familiar its villains night here. I'm not a villain Why are you called scorpions tea party? Well, let me lift more hat up. Ta-da! Do that trick, Ogre. As you can see, it's free scorpions having a tea party in it. Oh, huh.

It is indeed. How do you manage to train them to do this? Or is this just a natural phenomenon? It's just happening to me and I don't like it. Oh, you don't care for it either? No. So you're just like a... I would have been here sooner but I walk very, very slowly everywhere I go.

Sure. Big Sans gotta be careful there. Got to be careful. Yeah, I was gonna ask why you're hiding the scorpions under your hat, but yeah, there's not something you want a foreground for people, except for your name. Well, it works for evil purposes because when I want to scare someone, I call attention to me and I say, Uh-oh, look what's under me at! And they think this guy is fine with that. He must be very scary. What in fact, I'm very scared! Oh, what an eye, honey.

It's always the case. Do the scorpions do your bidding? Like, could you send them out to attack you? Shh, shh. They don't do my bidding. Oh, what are they doing now? Um, it looks like all of them are using their tail stingers to put hats on each other.

Okay, all right, good. But sometimes they're missing and they're getting awfully close to those stingers hitting the top of your head. They're doing like a circle jerk but with hats. What? What is offering sugar cubes? And the other ones are just asking for two because they only have the two pinches. They can't signal any more than that.

No, as long as they're having a good time. Okay, one of them has like a million little babies on its back. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I get these props! I have to get your head! I know which I'm good! Okay. You know what's like they say, scorpions are just scorpion teeth and things hiding scorpion teeth. Oh, I feel like that. Should we have a say on with scorpion tea potty's head to see where it gets the props from? Yeah. Okay. I'm going.

Everyone hold hands. Okay. Well, I've only got one, so I've got you. Okay. But his third hand will stand in for my second all the all evens out. All right. Hey, do you remember hands across food? What a joke that was yeah. Oh, I was in that I stood for long time Just wondering what is this exactly? I got all caught up in it and then we were finally doing it was like this feels dumb

This is raising what awareness I Think it I couldn't do it because I only have one a hand and they said you got to go to either end and they were both too far Hmm. Didn't it end hunger? I think it ended hunger. Oh, that's right. Oh, I feel bad now. I haven't been hungry in ages I can't remember the last time I- I haven't eaten. Well, that's- that's good, I guess. We did it. Congratulations, everyone. Everyone lower that voice. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Everyone, think about the Nethercome. Think about spirits from beyond. And think about Scorpion T. Parties head. And ask- ask the universe. Where do these props come from? Hmm, this props come from... The surface comes from... Where did these props come from?

The like real painfully... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, wait, boy. The universe to answer us. We made that... Oh, I didn't realize there was one of these things. Arnie, Arnie the ball! Now!

Like a real low-go. Oh, my God. What is he doing? Oh, it's me. I jump into a bucket, diving even. Net falls down on top of Scorpio's head. Ha-ha! What's going on?

You're, you're, we caught you. Oh, that net landed right on the scorpion's dead. How'd you catch him by boy making him wear a hair net? I mean, I wasn't going anywhere. I was just standing here. Yeah. The hair net makes sure that the scorpions don't get into any of the food here. But they stay on my head. This fuck.

Listen, scorpion tea party. I just want to apologize. I thought me and my friends were going to capture some villains tonight and it feels like they necessarily didn't have to. Oh, well, that's what you're after, just after. No, I get it. Everyone else is a challenge, but Scorpion Tea Party is just standing there trying not to get stung by Scorpion. I feel so bad, I used your vote. You were so vulnerable

and hoping with me, and I use that- I use that- I use that- What a brave guy. What a brave guy. So, so tough. What a hero. I'm so sorry. Oh, go what's good at magic.

Do you have any spells that dispel nets? It's scorpions. Or scorpions. Nets are my one weakness. I concentrate on magic, not sorcery or illusion. Nets are my one weakness. Oh, my tricks are just sort of... This trap doors and... ...money doubles. Most of my magic is for stage.

Oh, that's perfect. I do have a scorpion spell, but it just makes scorpions bigger. I wouldn't do ition spell, but it just makes scorpions bigger. I wouldn't do that. No, don't! Well, if they get bigger, maybe they'll fall off his head. No, they'll crash him. I mean, do you want them to be bigger? No.

No, not really. I just thought I'd check with you, because I couldn't help any other way. Thanks for checking in. Very thoughtful. Very thoughtful. What a great couple of guys. Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't want to add insult to injury. Sorry, chanted shape chapter from the net earlier. Have you tried to shoot a press conference? Well, let me put down my notebook. Now I feel stupid. Have you tried shampoo? Have you tried shampoo with the scorpions? Why don't you walk me through how that would work? Well, I'm just saying like a lot of times, you know, as a badger currently. A lot of times when grubs or anything gets... oh shit.

Let me scoot over here, slide my broken legs. A lot of times when grubs are any monster, anything it caught my fur, if I use some sort of shampoo, that helps kind of get rid of the... Right, right. How many, you got a lot of venomous moss things, have you? Yeah. Oh. A lot of grubs, just sticking poison in you with it with a barbed tail. You know I mean grubs are more doss on. Was that me? It was you. I mean he did it but he was mocking you. You didn't make the noise. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry you're

oppression. You didn't hear what I said. Thanks for the love. Well what? The night doctor, do you have anything that can take care of scorpions? Yes, I love taking care of scorpions. I raise them from pups and they do by bidding. Oh, I don't know these guys though, so... Oh, oh, oh, that's a real shame. I have an idea. Ogre, what's good at magic? I don't know if that's a question or not. Could you make an illusion of a body double of like three scorpions with like lipstick? Already have done it. Oh How did how did how to go you can look I bring with me everywhere I go oh?

Oh, they're in top of your head See if I need to be scorpions on head tea party man. I can do to wait wait wait wait Deep Party man, I can do two. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The Scorpions are moving. Once he revealed those scorpions with lipstick, I sensed a movement on top of me head. What are they doing? Oh, they've got little scorpion boners.

Oh, that's what that was. Yes. I thought they each grew an extra foot. Oh, I bet they'd like to hear that. Maybe if I get a little bit closer to you, Ogo, what's good at magic? The scorpions will leave my head and go on to yours. You've got the room. I need to hear you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Uh... Scorpion T-Party. If the scorpions do leave your head... What-what's your whole deal then? Yeah, really. You'll have to change your name. Oh, I made them go in whole. They all gone. What do we call you now? Wait, wait, I wasn't looking, which whole?

We had a lot of ideas. What is this? These answers are very important to me. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Well, maybe the net. Maybe that's your name? Hmm, because of the internet. Yes. What did I do to you?

Well, you did that impression of me that was kind of insulting. Now again, that's not you talking, that's him, and he's doing a joke of you. Okay, okay. This is the most wonderful moment of my life. I finally am free of the scorpions I can do whatever I want, the world's me always stuff. Now are you mocking him there because I'm losing track? Oh, that was all me. Okay.

Chang, why are you bullying this guy? Did you sound a bit like the other guy? Who? Who? Huh? What? What? Are we gonna eat because someone mentioned Ravioli and Adgo and I's with my tomato teeny?

Seven Ravioli's please, thank you. But seven plates, not seven of them. Yeah, right, seven plates. I got a turpent thought, just seven of them. Are you sure it's not going to be seven plates each with one Ravioli? Damn, I want more than one Ravioli. I'll just, I'll just go back there and check. I'll be right back.

Thank you. My name's Brian, by the way. Well, Brian, why didn't you go with that in the first place? That's a nice name. Very scary for villain. Yeah. Now, whenever I wanted to listen when I tried to tell him, they were two entranced by the scorpions. But he's Brian, with a Y.

Hmm. Oh, that's... Y-B-R-I-A-A. He's fucking you. It's just so in it, Wally. Well, I'm going to write a little song for you in your story and your journey as an apology, and I'll let all of you know about Brian's song. Oh. And I think a lot of tears are going to well up in a lot of eyes.

It's going to make me cry. Yeah, and so Brian, since you're not a villain anymore, I'm afraid you're gonna have to pay full price for all of your drinks tonight. I am still in a deltera. Is that count? Are you? A delter's night is tomorrow. There's a special night.

Don't tell my wife. Yeah, that's a slogan on the banner. Yeah, I wrote it. He's coming here to roll nine. This whole time. Well let's wait for our raviolis and while we do we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with more villains and and Brian. I don't want to. In the seventh anniversary of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Oh Arnie hold on, Melissa doesn't want to go to pray. Oh. I'll do it if the whole group,

so I'm not gonna hold anyone back. Okay, everybody, if you're in favor of us going to break, say aye. Raise your hand. Oh, don't wait. Which one? If you don't want us to go to break, raise your hand. Or two hands.

Raise two hands if you don't want to go to- Oh, come on. Okay, we gotta figure out what our system is. Everyone is that is in favor of us saying, I for going to break, raise your hand. If you're in favor of us raising our hand to go to break, say I. What, do we vote?

Hand. Do we vote on the first one yet? I lost track by myself. We'll be right back. Ha-ha-ha. All right, welcome back to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Here, it's family style. Is this sea-taking that I sit out? Oh. Oh, dry spell, welcome. I like what you've done with your body.

Thank you. Wait, what's his name? Dry spell. I'm dry spell. Oh, look at you. I like a hairy guy. Thank you. What is your deal?

What's your power? What's your thing? What's your deal? I mean this guy it is beyond blue balls. They're like indigo What are you doing this is villains night not a category 5 or G. I wish it was. Oh, now we're talking. Does it help you do magic at all? It seems like your name might be some sort of double-entandra. Oh, I never even thought of that. I just been trying to bone it. Oh, you missed some real hot scorpions a minute ago.

I'd settle for one of those. If I'd known how attractive they were, I might have kept them all mean. Uh-huh. Thanks for that endorsement. Dry spell, I feel like out of everyone, I mean, former scorpion teapot party aside, I feel like you have the most easily solved situation. I mean, you're a handsome guy.

You think, have you given me a whiff? Let me get over there and take a big blow to it. Oh, yeah. I guess I'll just dish up. OK, thanks. You do smell like a horse's mouth. Yeah, I can't even really get near enough to anybody. You can get mad and stick one in. If it stood on its head and shit out its mouth. That's not even the worst part

Wait to hear his opener. Go ahead Okay, yeah pretend I'm you know at the bar. Well, we're at a bar, but yeah try and pick me up It's pork night and the specials right here I'll put that away. I like that. You know what I'm in. Is that your only approach? I think I think it's like it afforded. I don't even think Melissa might be interested. Yeah. I am seeing she'd like what he's putting down. This is exactly the kind of thing she's in too. I'm getting real humid over here So you better strike while the iron's moist.

Take this plate of Ravioli and both of you eat from different ends of the Ravioli. Oh yeah, it feels good to go in my mouth. Is that a Ravioli or a lip? You've got tomato sauce in your lip? You've got lip in your tomato sauce. Oh ragu me Guess this works better with spaghetti. I think the dry spells over Oh, what is that powder in the air? Oh shit this guy

Excuse me. Oh shit this guy. Oh well is this seat being taken? No, please friend join us. I'll come. I'm Dr. Nightmare. Yes, not the night doctor. Just so we're clear we're two different guys. And not Dr. Sleep that was taken. Yeah, poorly. Did you not see the director's cut? It was even worse. I did, you know, I really wanted to like it, but yeah. Long. Yeah, yeah. So did you two go to medical school together? No. Yeah, he doesn't remember me.

That's part of the problem every time we meet. He's nice to meet you. I have like, we've met except this one time. I went to night medical school and Dr. Nightmares went to Nightmare Medical School. Yes. Same building though. Yes, same building. They share a campus. Yes. What were the mascots? I assume your medical school had a mascot. Mine was just a mare. Oh!

Hours was Mac tonight. The moon sunglasses? Yes. Mine was the mayor, but the mayor from that riddle where it's nighttime outside, you can't see it. So it's just a black square. And my professor was the doctor who was a woman. Oh, what a house surprising. Sexist? My tutor was a block of ice.

Wow, and Dr. Nightmare, it seems like you wrote in on a horse. What's that horse's name? That's my son. Oh, the Texas Friday, is that your horse Friday? Yeah. And that's your son, I'm so sorry. So what is Dr. Nightmare, what's, I mean, besides having a horse for a son, which is fine,

which is its own thing? I know. What is your, what's your villainous thing? What's your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what is your, what my god, the Dark Lord gets killed and that, wait, who's that guy? I'm Horsi, my murder. What, where did you get here? I followed the other guy in here who was a horse. I thought it might be horse. Wait a minute, horses are people too.

What are Centars? What, yeah, great question. They're extra people, I guess. I'm a centaur! Oh! Are you okay? They're extra people I guess Are you okay hard to tell from the waist down when you're sitting at the table Three, oh mini-tough! Oh! Here, let me hand get this microscope take off! Oh, it's in a tiny bubble!

I'm gonna get another plate around you. Ha-ha-ha! Things are really taken off at Villains Night. It's very popular night! Yeah, and I guess some of you were kind of like just the early arrivers, you know, like not waiting to be fashionably late, like most of the rest of the villains. Wow, what an observation.

Kind of rude. Let's look at these raviolis for a cracker jacks surprise. I'm going to find my fortune. I hope I get one of those little cellophane people at curl up in you. If you can tell you if you're in love or not? Yeah. You're gonna be numbers, six, 14, 13, one. Mine says, so I'm being a prisoner in a ravioli factory. I'm too small for numbers.

Boy, I'm right on the line. I feel small for numbers. Boy, I'm right on the line. I feel bad for you. I got one to ten and that's it. Oh, man I can't even carry on many fingers. I don't have. I don't want to presume horsey McMurter Have you met Friday to you to know each other or are you dating? Why would you assume that dating? Let's do horses. Why because I'm a horse? That's why you think I'm dating someone who's also a horse? What? I see silence that one! Wow! I've never been so offended in my life! You want to date my son, the horse? You got to ask for my hand or his hand.

In it. Yeah, because you only have one to get. Well, I do do so do I Let's try half a patty cake. Okay Wrong hands. We're just gonna be slapping air. I don't mind. I can't believe Melissa's playing patty cake This one else right after eating that ravioli with dry spell someone else right after eating that gravioly with dry spell. I don't mind, it's fine, I can't really feel anything for a while. He likes to watch.

Well, this is truly a night of pure evil. Everything that's happened here tonight. Yeah, can I ask before we sort of wind down the episode? Look at it out. Can I ask you... Like, what are all of your evil plans if you don't mind my asking? Like, is there like, what's the next big thing for all of you that maybe we can try to stop for something? Or any collectively or individually?

Um, I go first. Okay. I go first. That's my evil thing. Right. I go first. Okay. We want to take back. I go first. That's my evil thing. Right. I go first and Okay, okay, I guess yeah, go ahead The dark Lord was a hack Let's all be honest about it. Great black eyeliner putting needle through ear Levitating gear bottle. We've seen it. I want to give magic back its bad name.

Yeah. I don't think he knows who the Dark Lord was. I think he's describing the Dark Yord. Walking through wall, make giant slave ship disappear. Things like that. That by plan for evil. Uh, Ogrewood's good at magic. Uh, sorry. Chant from across the table news. Press conference boy. Did you know the Dark Lord personally?

Did you ever work with him? Hmm. One time we did festival and he went on so long. Ogrewood's good at magic. Got only about one minute or so at end of night. Oh, was that Roach Chela? You were there. No, I had friends who went. I can't afford tickets.

I was there, I performed. Second stage, girl. Yeah. That's why I got the scorpions. Oh. They said, don't go with her, she's been around. Oh, me. She gave me scorpions.

Well, my evil plan is I'm gonna name the unnamable mountain. Oh! Oh, wait, I could luck with that. We've tried and it doesn't seem to work. I'll do it right now. Slow-bid-on. Oh. Wow, did everyone hear that? Slow-bid-on.

Slow-bid-on. There's a little bit of an earthquake when she said slow-bidon. Oh. Perhaps we've uncovered some, uh, some deeper magic that we knew not existed here in this mountain. Oh no. We might have awoken the... Molosa Witch. Ah. Oh. Hello?

The... the Molosa Witch. There's rumors she hides under the mountain. What was the name he gave the mountain again? Slow-bidon. Molosa Witch. yeah, I think it's her Wow, do you think she'd be interested going to all poor Quicken? Thanks for walking through my own problems I appreciate my big plan. Let's see Probably just put more leeches on people Maybe hang up some clothes in a windows and you wake up in the middle of the night, you think somebody's in there, but it's just your own clothes. Oh.

The night doctor, what do you get out of this? Yeah. Well, I could put in leeches on people, it hurts them, and it's evil, certainly. But you don't get any gold or any sort of reward, do you? I do it for the love. The act in itself is its own reward. Okay. I mean I steal shit from their homes. Okay. It's night and in there. I mean yeah. Yeah, I just wonder how you made a living. It makes sense now. I'm gonna fuck me brother's wife. Well tomorrow you are right. On adulterers night. That's right. I'm gonna fuck my wife's why. Well, tomorrow you are, right? On adulterers night. That's right.

I'm gonna fuck my wife's brother. Oh, my wife. Onnie, onnie, it turns out villain's night is like, is like real cash grab. I know. We're making tons of money tonight. I mean, should we have villains night more often? Yeah.

I think maybe we should. And certainly we could use it as a source of intelligence Yes, we gather information as we've done here at the end of the evening and then but we'll keep Bill inside of the book So that we just keep you know keep finding out about things and making a lot of money Are you guys done Are here we done are things winding down? Hmm sort of yeah a little bit, I think. Well, I just wanted if we could pray.

Oh, I'd love to. Thank you. All right, everybody take a hand again. Okay. You know what, put a hand in the middle like a hug. Okay, works too. Okay. Okay. Dear Dark Lord, you're so dark.

You're just, you're just can't even see you so dark. Turn on a light for Christ's sake. Just kidding. We hope that we always open with a joke already. That's, write that down. Always open with a joke when you say break. Do it, you know Badger, I like you. I go around killing Badgers,

but I'm gonna let you just get by with a wound. Oh, thank you, little kiss. Oh, little chib. Oh, thank you, little kiss. Oh, little chiv. Oh, thank you. It was a little though. Yeah, knitting needle. So, dark lord, back to it.

Gosh, let these ravioles in our stummies just go freshly to their places and come out easy, not out our mouths in a handstand, but in the regular ways. Let's bless our new friends who we all met here tonight, that even though we be villains, we can also be friends. I'd like to praise you, Dark Lord. I'd like to praise you as I should. I'm Dark Lord. Praise you. We spent a long, long time together. Yes, we have. Through the bad times and the good. I want want to celebrate your brain. I believe the children of the future Hold their hands and let them leave. Okay jokes jokes. No jokes Let the goddesses forgive them all. Amen Amen, a minute opposite of amen evil. No a woman. Make name up. Oh boy. Oh

I'm a man's grandmother here. My name was here. Oh, no, that's not her. Sorry. That was just the that was just the code on a code wreck. It's nema clock somewhere. Gotcha. A damn it. We've all had a few drinks. Can I ask, what tier of villain are you all?

Like, to be honest, like, I'm getting the sense you're not like the top tier villain. No, I'm shit tier. Oh. How did you think that sounded when you were asking the question? Yeah. I don't know, I was hoping it sounded insightful.

Like the very beginning, I was like, this is not going to be good. And then, like, you double down and you really spelled it out. And I mean, we're supposed to be evil, but you see how that's rude, right? Sure. Oh yeah, I guess. I knew it. Oh yeah. All right, hold Hold for explanation please.

Olli, you might as well have asked them to stand in line in order from best to worst. Might be fun though. We do that at the end of night to see who has most ravioli. Oh, this is a ravioli based system of judgment. Whoever's dummy is sticking out the fiv at the most revealing! It's the fact. And they are worst villain! Science. Ah, I see, I see.

Well, it's been wonderful to have you all here. I do hope you'll try to get next month, the next time we have a villain's night, when the blood red moon, on the first Wednesday of the month, or whatever it was. Uh, happens again, but for now, it is about to strike midnight, and I present to you this black obsidian door, walk through it, and dock in the steps of this tavern no more. Until next month. Yeah.

Until next month, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll end up watching some of you tomorrow for adulterers night. I'll be there. Yeah, some of Okay. Oh, and watch it. She's some of you tomorrow for adulterers night. I'll be. Yeah. Some of you. Right. I might give it a try if you think anybody's open and by open, I mean legs. I think it's mostly people already have something on the books. I tried shampoo. Dries. What? It didn't work. I'm getting married just so I can go tomorrow night. Oh, how exciting. Yeah, congratulations.

Thanks. If you need any help getting to the next level, let me know. What do you mean? Adultery night is not for married people. What? It's for, well, you can't just be married, you see. Oh, right.

There's a step past that. Okay. It's like you get your merit badge, you know what I mean? I think so. I have a point of... I'm the horse kid. I have a point of clear education. Can you have a chance to...

Hi, son! I'm not a married person and not be married yourself to being an adulterer and I'll take my answer on the air. Yeah, adultery is when you are part of an adulterous affair, whether you be the married party or the unmarried party. Let's go this morning! Oh, I'm gonna fuck that awesome! Well, it only took us seven years to get there.

And that, my friends, is known as leaving it all on the field. If you can be sure of one thing, it's that the next four or five episodes are gonna be weak saw sedoodle. Real filler material. February in terms of Academy Award attention. But hey, we had tonight. And nothing can take that away from us. Shy of complicated mental reprogramming that does not come cheap. Wizard's Choice Award nominee, user or the blue, was played by Matt Young. Chant the

Talking Badger was played by Adolfiah. Villains, the Knight Doctor, Melissa Deathridge, Ogre What's Good at Magic, as well as Scorpion's Tea Party, Dry Spell, Dr. Nightmares, Horsey McMurder and No Doubt of You I'm Forgetting were all played by special guests Paul F. Tomkins, Matt Gourley and Mark McConville. From one of our all-time favorite improv podcasts, Super Ego, which you can find at any podcast getting place. Also check out Matt Gourley's band Townland, which has a new album, Honey on the High Fy, which you can find on Spotify and Bandcamp. And check out Paul's

online archive of his live shows at pollftompkins.com slash live. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, who are not just a faceless horde, like whatever those things were in the bleachers near the end of Rise of Skywalker, they have names, like Jennifer Downs, Mitchell St. John and Ken Jagger. There's an A at the end of Jagger calm down everyone. Mitchell St. John, I don't know what your job is currently, but I want you to start being a doctor on a soap opera. Stat. Jennifer, don't change a thing. I'll message you privately about what you should change.

Patreon patrons get ad-free episodes and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Plus, last week, all of Season 3 of Offices and Bosses was added to the feed as well. In Season 3, they replace fake dice rolls with real dice rolls. Does it make it better? I'll never tell you that it doesn't, but to catch all three seasons of offices and bosses and so much more, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. New magic tavern merch is available at Topatico. We've got the Boys Night poster and a set of magic tavern logo coasters. Am I featured on either of these, or literally any of the Topatico merch? Hell no! That's okay, I'm doing it for the fans. Get that sweet merch at Topatico.com,

slash collections slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekant, Matt Young and Adolfiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, this episode edited by Sage GC. Ryan DeGeorgie did nothing to assist this episode. Nothing! What a shame! What a damn dirty shame! Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Nothing from Ryan DeGeorgie. Georgia.