Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 20 - Ancient Poet Turtle

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Hildy, the Ancient Sea Turtle, is back from the dead and more fabulous than ever.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHildy Shiblin: Olivia NielsenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew Merch is available here!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. People are there. The following podcast is not real, but that hasn't stopped it from becoming one of the

most beloved productions in all the entertainment world. Now, to all you millions of listeners, gather round and prepare yourselves for another meticulously plotted, emotionally satisfying journey with complex grounded characters that anyone can... What is this parallel universe introduction doing on my desk? Let's just shred that. Well, the marketing for Spider-Man No Way Home ever end. And until that movie addresses the Gwyneth Paltrow who didn't make it through the subway door, I am not interested.

Anyway, welcome to... You know, this. It may not be the podcast we want, but it might just be the podcast we deserve. In which case, shame on us. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnee Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven years than one week ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here

in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the unnamable mountain in the No, no, no, Arnie, Arnie, sorry. What's that, John? Editors note. The mountain has a name now. Oh, okay, John, why are you wearing that hat that says editor? Oh, I just thought I'd take on some more responsibilities. Oh, sure. Could you sit up straight? Sorry shoulders back, set up straight? Okay. All right, yep. And sorry, let's say I've got to say, John, seven years in. I'm glad that you're finally taking an interest

in the podcast. Yeah, you know, I was dicking around for, did you say seven years? Yeah, boy, time flies. Yeah, I just been f***dicking around for about seven years. And then today I was like, this is seven years in one episode, so I was like, you know what, Sean? Today's the day, sorry, this year's the year,

where I get my shit together, and I take this seriously. Yeah, when I was a child, I fucked it around, but when I was a doll, I put away fucked things. That's what I'm saying. I've been hanging dick for seven years. Okay. It's time to put away childish things.

I have a choice. That was the one that was over the line for me for some reason. Of course, of course, of course. But I'm so sorry, you had an editorial note for me. Yes, I was saying that it's no longer the unnamable mountain because it has in fact been named. It's been named Shlo-Badan. Shlo-Badan, oh, did you found that?

I feel like when you said that, I almost felt a little earthquake. Yeah, it's like a little rumbly in my tummy. So last week at Villains Night, I think maybe was it Melissa Deathridge that named the unnamed Will Mountain somehow? I think so because I saw her the following night at adulterer's night and she was bragging to everyone that she had named the unnamed Will Oh, yeah Have we gotten any feedback from the mountain or in some way like does it mind being named?

Or in some way like does it mind being named? Arnie, you think I talk to a mountain? I don't know, you talk to all kinds of shit. Wow, wow, wow, okay. Okay, be honest. You talk to a lot of shit this week. What kind of shit did you talk to this week, Chen? If you must know, I talk to a pair of kissing hummingbirds. I talk to a pair of kissing hummingbirds. I talked to a magical flute.

I talked to a mountain. I talked to three wolves. I talked to a top hat with a mouth. Did I say a mountain already? I guess I did talk to the mountain. You did talk to a mountain. I'm saying. Oh my gosh, yes I did.

And I have so many questions about those kissing hummingbirds, but we probably should get to our other co-host too. Yes, yes, yes. Who people, you know, I'm sure many listeners are like, this is over, right? But no, he's still dying. Use the door of the blue. Oh, in our editorial note, we can't say many listeners anymore.

That implies plural. Oh. So I think you just have to say the listener. Do we have a name on that? Thanks to Hank. Oh, Hank, Hank's back. I assume so Do we have a name on that? Back to Hank. Oh, Hank! Hank's back! I assume so if there's a squad.

Thanks for listening, Hank. We're sorry about some of the mean things we've said about you in the past. Sorry, buddy. But speaking of mean things I've said in the past, my other co-host used to door the blue. You know, if you truly open your ears, you can hear the rivers speaking to you. Cool, quick editorial note. And the clouds. Sorry, no, people love this sort of like home spun wisdom

that you're doing now. But a lot of people tune into here, your full name is what the research shows. So could you do your full name and like really put some umph into it? Sure, but you were just talking about, you know, community with the mountains and the trees and the rivers and I thought I would add to that conversation. Naturally, of course, of course, of course, of course, I've just done some focus groups and a lot of people

when you talk without introducing your name, a lot of people are like, why isn't he saying his name? Get to the name. No, I can take it. I can take it. I am you know another thing that bothered me about that conversation you're having without me was you listing things off you would talk to. And then you said, oh did I say mountain, which you hadn't? And Arnie said, uh-huh? Oh, I thought I had said mountain. He had said mountain. That's come. Let me, sorry, let me tell you. Wait, I was listing an Arnie was. Yeah. See, that's how bad it is. What is it? Yeah, you said, or are you okay? Have you been pretending to be dying for so long that you're really like in a bad spot? Well, I have been upon my death bit

for low these many weeks at any moment now. I could turn into pure light and a song to the heavens. For I am your son. You're a wizard in a twig. You're a crazy master of lightning shadow, manipulative magical lights, devour of chaos.

Chubby with a great house of rockets, say else on the street, the dwarves know me, as I'm saying, these are known all these, guess what he's made, sorry, out of there. Huh.

Okay, well, I guess I asked for oomph, and he gave me speed, so use the door is gonna time and a half it. What if some people do listen already at an accelerated speed? Jesus Christ. You know what, I'm coming around, but maybe they should.

Maybe they should. At least for that sense. If anybody was listening to your introduction as Yusidore at a more than time and a half speed, I'm sure their noses and brains are bleeding. Oh, wow. Or they try to waste back in time. Oh, fun.

Guys, sorry, Ernie. Research shows that people like when we have a little bit of banter up top, but not too much, but the banter has to be substantial. It can't just be small talk. Oh, okay, I have a time. Should we start over? I'll just, you know what?

Do they like it when we start over? Because that breaks the format in a fun way. But I think we've done it so many times that it's not cute anymore, it's sad. That's true. And so a lot of this all fixin' post. I don't know what that means. I saw it on your computer, Arnie,

but I assume I can figure it out on the fly. So let's just make some small talk. Okay. No, I'm sorry, no small talk, no small talk. No, no, have a big talk. Big talk. I had this very big talk. Remember several weeks ago,

when we met Clocus, the forensics and quizzeter, and he was investigating that murder of King Johann III. Yes, and the ex-Gees had did it. Yeah, well, I was thinking about this recently. You know, we're in this remote corner of Foon. But if I remember correctly, when we were talking about King Johann III, his castle is near here. Castle, Hawk spear, I believe. The Hawk's Spire. Hawk-huh. Castle Hawk Spear, I believe.

The Hawk's Spire. The Hawk's Spire. And did I misremember, or did everyone say that there are 11 billion people that live in that castle? That's a... Give a take. In fact, yeah, I think it's about 11 billion. That's a lot of people. Well, it's very tall.

Very tall. And it's hard because when you start counting them, by the time you're done, a lot of them have reproduced, some of them have died. So we say about a billion, because it's just hard to really know. Sure. And it goes deep down into the earth as well.

So it's very tall, both directions. And would you believe? Two bathrooms. Two. Yeah. Oh, that place has got a stink. Have you ever been in? Kessel of Hawksbier.

I've had some friends who have been They were kissing hummingbirds and they said with 11 billion people in two bathrooms There's a lot of people like showering while somebody else brushes their teeth So they have to get kind of annoying sure. Yeah, I'm not so certain why everyone feels they need a bathroom Explain right you can just go every what? Okay. You saw a lot of our, you see that table behind us about three tables back?

That's a focus group I hired. Now what they have is they have these little buttons, these little dials, if you will. Some go into the red, some go into the green. Red is bad, green is good. Now we're getting a lot of feedback, you should do it. The people find you to be like a gross old man. Okay. Sometimes. Sometimes. So like when you say something like do we need bathrooms?

Yeah. Right now if you look there are all those dials are in the red. So can you say something a little more fun to get those dials up in the green? Sure. Shabba zoom. Hello. Okay so now the dials are in the green but the focus group did not touch their dials. So you magic the dials that turns in the green. Which is, you know what? I didn't say that. Great, I didn't do that. I never thought about it before, but we could use magic on our analytics in general

on this podcast. I would probably be a good thing. Okay, I'm just getting a notification that we have 32 billion new iTunes reviews. I'm sorry. You you're gonna throw around the number of billion a lot. I'm starting to suspect that billion doesn't mean the same thing in food as it does on earth. Like, and this is an interesting fact that, well, maybe not interesting to everybody, on my world, billion in my country, the United States, is actually different than billion in Europe. Like, billion means different things on Earth.

So it could mean significantly more different things on Earth. What are you talking about? Look, this is a real thing and not me being stupid. On Earth, in the United States, a billion is a billion. I thought you said America. Now you're saying United States. Look, I'm never gonna get to this billion, Bart, if I have to re-explain the United States to you again.

I'm sorry, Arnie, I've interrupt you truly 22 billion times, go ahead. No, no. So in many European countries, a billion is actually a higher number. A billion is a trillion. But they call it trillion a billion. And in the US, a billion is a trillion, but they call it trillion a billion, and in the US, a billion is a billion.

Okay, you said, or I lied, I wanna start over. BEEP! HAHAHAHA! Should I go over to the focus group table and say my name there? You said, or I think, can I talk to you privately for a second? Sure, check it out. So we've recently established, this doesn't work at all.

That's okay, but I feel like we can get away with it if we just do it anyway. Okay. He's gotta choose it or up to us and tell us that you can hear it. He's talking about this focus group. I'm starting to suspect it's just two kissing hummingbirds that just fucking hate this podcast.

I mean, it's very possible, but I hate to turn my nose down. It's someone who's giving us constructive feedback. Look, the top hat, if the top hat has ideas, I want to hear it. Okay, well, I would have not... But the two kissing hummingbirds, fuck them. For this episode, let's be open to notes. Okay, guys, sorry, I went over to the focus group for a minute. Dylan and Faith, the two hummingbirds,

they mentioned they don't like a lot of side banter, so when we were like, can I talk to you over here, that tends to be not on the podcast, so can we save a lot of time and just ask them what they do like? And what do you do? That's too confrontational. Dylan and Faith don't like confrontation. Okay, well that is because hummingbirds hearts, I don't know if you know this and if you do, I'm sorry that I'm explaining it to you.

Hummingbird's hearts beat like 100 billion beats per minute. And so if you startle them, their hearts will skip a beat, which for them, one beat equals like, I don't know, a billion years, so they are going to die if they're scared. Okay, but otherwise we're doing great. Let's cut to the interview. Arnie, go. Do you have a guest? No, I didn't set up a guest. That's why I asked you what shit you talked to this week. No, no, no, wait, it's gonna be okay. Would you call me?

No, we can take a note. I ran into someone. Okay. I think we perfect. If their hearts are beating very quickly, this creature is usually rather subdued. And so welcome back to the podcast. Oh, the sub-troning. Please come over here. Come over. She's sitting at the bar right now. I ran into her earlier and bought her a drink.

Please come join us. Is that just a pile of rocks? Oh, it's not a pile of rocks. Is that a broomba? No, no, no It's you know that broom you enchanted to keep cleaning up the tavern. It's our old friend Hildi. Oh Hello Hildi Oh my goodness. I thought I'd never see you again

Yeah, oh we've feared just the same for we've been on many adventures since last we met and we are very It's just the same for we've been on many adventures since last we met and we are very grateful to see the again. Oh my goodness, of course, I've been on so many adventures. I can't even imagine what you three have been up to, but certainly you news has traveled far and wide of the business I've been up to. Why do you think when you said business, you little wink in a spark?

Well, you know, I'm just trying to be coy because my show is very, very, very famous. So I'm just trying to, you regular turtle, like very, very, very famous. So I'm just trying to be a regular turtle, like I was before, but of course now I am a bit of a celebratory. Oh wow, for new listeners, Hildi is like a crazy old turtle, like so old. In fact, the last time we saw her, she was dead.

That's how she is. We're getting a lot of feedback. People don't like when you call turtles crazy. It seems to be reductive John you just got that feedback immediately what okay fine you caught me a lot of the feedback go down quote is me giving personal notes okay okay what's going on with your shell my shell you said everyone knows this shell oh no my well my shell is very famous but I'm more famous for my show I've been

shaking yes of course please don't pretend like you haven't heard of it No, my shell is very famous, but I'm more famous for my show! You're sure? Yes, of course! Please, don't pretend like you haven't heard of it! Ah, well, we've been here at Nibblebottom, which is a very small town, and I'm afraid news travels here quite slowly! Oh, yes, well, you're in luck because I have a show coming up tonight. Ever since I was reunited with my corporeal form, you remember how I passed? Oh, no. It was very sad, very sad for all of you.

But ever since I've been reunited with my corporeal form, I've been realizing how short a hundred thousand years of life is and realizing how important my message is, my message through slam poetry, which is why I've been taking my poetry show on the road. The hell of my shell, it's called, Clevverdon, you think? Oh, wonderful. Oh, well, Hilly, will you excuse us for a second? You said our chun, yeah, yeah. We just got a note about this.

Is it too late to get somebody else's? Is it too late to get a different guest? No, I can't wait to hear more about this show. Slam poetry? Yeah. Okay. Arnie, what is wrong with Slam poetry? Is it because you can't wait to hear more about this. Shempoetry? Yeah. Okay. Arnie, what is wrong with Sam Poetry? Is it because you can't snap? Is that your problem?

Well, your fingers are too weird for you to snap. I told you that in confidence, and a doctor told me that. You think you can't snap? Well, shabba-blui! I'm sorry, I couldn't help but over here. You're familiar with some of my poems. Oh, yes. Well, I would love to hear more of them.

There I ask. I hope it's not the height of rudeness, but could you preview just a little bit of the show you're going to be doing this evening for us? Oh, just a sneak. Oh, well, you know... Please. Everyone pays. There's a lot of coins to attend,

but if you promise that this is just a down payment on what you will shortly be following up with tonight at the show, then I'm happy to preview a little bit for you. Oh, absolutely. Hildi, why don't we do this? Let's tease. We're going to do a little bit of your poetry

right after this break, because that is really going to pull people through this sponsor break to the next set. Oh, that's a great idea. There's a lot of commercials that happen naturally in my set as well. So this feels very familiar to me. And we're back in Arnie, just, you know,

people are complaining that the ads aren't long enough. So if we could afford double or triple those times. Hilly, if you don't mind doing a sneak preview, as I mentioned to you during the break, we see a lot of the what we like to call the Foon Bump. So when people come on here and they talk about their projects or their books, they get a bit of a Foon Bump. So please, if you'd like to sell some tickets, go ahead and give us a little preview of Hell with a Shell. What was it? The hell of my shell. The hell of my shell. Hmm. Oh thank you. Well, my shows are currently sold out. Of course they don't put out very

many chairs in the theaters these days apparently, but the chairs are always full. So I'm not I don't know that I'm looking for a bump. Thank you very much, but I'll take what I can get. Anyway, anyway I'm famping. Wow, she's doing a quick change. What is that, a cape in lingerie? This is the slowest quick change I've ever seen. All right, she is a turtle. It is very fast for a turtle, I think.

There, now I am beautiful. My shell is a hell, not a bell that rings clear. Oh, this shell. Shell is a hell, not a bell that rings clear. Oh, this shell! What is a shell? Calcium and bone, so small, so tight. It is an extra small, but my size baby is extra large, large, large, in charge. How much of a preview do you want the show runs about two and a half, three hours? Is this still part of it or two and a half, three years, you said?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh, well, I thought that was excellent. He gave us a flavor for sure. That was incredible. I think so much. Amazing, everyone. A round of applause for Hildi and her wonderful slam poetry.

Thank you so much. Where is your show tonight? Oh, the show is here at the bar! Oh, it's here at the Strange Familiar. Fuck, you said, or you're the owner. We gotta know about more of these nights going on. Well, a lot of things, just the locals are used to happening, and I just sort of go with the flow.

So, uh, uh, wonderful. You're the owner of this bar? Uh, yes, I purchased it after being here for a couple of weeks, uh, to help, to help the local economy. Wow, that is such an incredible coincidence. You know, my booking manager, which is just me when I've taken my night pills, does all of that for me, so I actually don't even know where I'm going. You know how it is. I'm on tour all of the buses and vans and buses and vans. So I just show up. And night pills, love them. Arnie, do you know what a bus in a van are? A bus is a big, unctuous ship

that sails only during the night. And then a van is a very enormous, nice cart. No. How enormous are we talking? Well, enormous is... Turn around and look here and then tell me. Yeah, it's similar to enormous, but it's enormous within anus. That, it's similar to Enormous, but it's Enormous with an A-ness.

That's how I like to travel, baby. Oh. It's just put me inside of one roller skate, but I have a terrible sense of direction, so now I have a driver and a cat. Oh, that would have been so cute. Hilly, I have to ask that preview was incredible based on the preview and the title of course.

Do you really feel like your shell is a hell? Okay, and usually this is after three years comes the question and answer portion of the evening. But of course, you know, you are my, you are my friend. So I'll give this to you. It's more than I realized during my brief time as a ghost, the restrictions of life. You know what I mean? And so I think I'm a lot bigger than I was giving myself credit for in this small bony

house that I call home. Yeah, being a ghost, you must have learned so much. And if I remember correctly, you also learned that you could Patrick Swayze people, which means your ghost could jump into their bodies, and then you could also reverse Patrick Swayze people, like they could jump into your ghost. It was kind of confusing if I remember correctly. It was pretty confusing.

It was an untapped power of mine. I feel honestly relieved to be done with that portion of my life. Mm-hmm. Well, when the soul is disconnected from the body, certainly it's a free throw. Souls can get into that body, that soul can get into bodies that don't have souls.

Sometimes two souls get into the same body, that's how soul walkers get made. Oh. That's how soul walkers get made. Yeah, too many souls in one body. And typically they'll draw like a line down the middle of the body, and they'll be like, you stay on your side, I'll stay on my side.

And that's where we get situational comedy, aren't you? Yes, because one soul is usually pretty messy. Yeah, and then one real uptight. And then, you know, also it's a comedy currency from the situations where they come into conflict. Yeah, it was originated by a ghost, his name was Simon. He was actually killed.

He kneeled before the queen and she cut his head off. So he is called kneeled Simon or Simon the kneeled. And he sort of originated that. Interesting. I learned so much from you guys. You know, all I really have time for anymore is my art. And it's what I think about, dream about, promote,

of course, all the commercials I run myself. So you guys wouldn't know anything about this, but it's remarkably hard to take a creative project and just launch it. You know, when you're the only one who's making it happen, it's insane. Heldy, do you mind walking us through just a little bit like a the inception of all of this, you know, you just died. Your back alive again to the extent that you are alive. And you decide, what happens next? How do you decide to start doing poetry? Such an interesting choice of words because if I may push back, it was not a decision.

Okay, it was just like the most beautiful things in life or death, it happened upon me. So what happened was, when I came back into my body, daytime was fine. I was doing normal stuff. I was, you know, reacquainting myself with former lovers. I was having a great time. And then night would come, which of course, it's so thin, you know, conscious, unconscious, dead alive. It's a very spooky time. And I was having these I know I was having these night terrors Stay with me. I was having these night terrors. Oh stay with you in case you get a night terror. Yes Exactly. I might pass out at any time. I'm so tired from self-promotion. I hate to tell you this

Because they're not a lot of windows in this tavern. The sun is setting right now. So We are gonna be entering night very soon and soon the gossip avail but Twix tonight and the afterlife shall be here before us all oh low if only we do listen to the voices that speak from beyond the grave we shall learn air so much Arnie are users clearly trying to get compliments so he could write his own one man show. Clearly. That's a good start. Anyway. You know what I like about Hildi?

She's so old that she doesn't just compliment for the sake of complimenting. You know, like, she's still nice and polite, so she'll avoid saying something critical. But she's not gonna like, she's not a glad hander. She's so funny because she's so old and it's like, we interrupted her seven or eight times and then when we stopped interrupting her,

it's like she lost her train of thought. It's so weird. Yeah. Yeah, it must be so weird. I also like how we can talk right in front of her and she's so old that like she probably isn't processing what we're talking about. Or she'll understand it in like three weeks.

Same for you, Siddhar, both of them. Huh? Anyway, where was I? Oh, you were sitting in this stool here. Let me put you back on. There you go. Thank you so much. Oh, my night terrors.

Yes. Thank you for asking. Anyway, I was waking myself saying the most incredible things. And I decided I can't just have these by myself and my bed. I have to share this with the daytime world. Was that the question? Oh, so your one woman show is a daytime show. So it's probably a little more melodramatic. It's probably, you know, the awards are gonna be

in a different category, right? When it's daytime? Yes, yes, yes, it's a lot. There's a lot of characters involved. I'm dating myself. I'm my brother, the war of the world's I'm my own mother But who is the father? It's all so me Wow, wow yeah, Arnie a lot of daytime shows tend to be really fucking wild

Because during the daytime people don't care at night You couldn't get away with that stuff because at night people are about to go to bed They don't want to be spooked or scared or weirded out there, but during the day anything goes But also to be fair some of these twists aren't that surprising when it's a one-person show. I guess that's true, but you're saying that your knight terrors, the things you were saying, that actually became your poetry. Yes. Did I understand that correctly?

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to mean. Oh, wonderful. And now, have you ceased to have the night terrors? Do you now sleep peacefully in the Eve? Ah, yes, unless I'm feeling particularly inspired. Which, you know, I can't be upset about. Sure, it's a fount of new artistic creation for you. So, I'm sure you don't want to shut it off,

but I'm glad to hear that it's given you some peace to share that with the world. That's a wonderful development. Thank you. You know what? You think 100,000 years will last forever. And my brief time being dead and then undead showed me that it does not.

Oh, you know, speaking of, Hilde, I don't want to put you on the spot. But if you, I don't want to force you to do any sort of motivational speaking, but our friend, and your friend, Yusudor, is actually at Death's Door himself. So I don't know if you have any advice for him in terms of like what to do when you're dead, or if he somehow makes it out alive, which I doubt he will,

what to expect, or, to sort of experience? Monatize, monetize, monetize. Well, to be fair, that's what I did try to do, you know, uh, I bought the bar, you know, and trying to, trying to get people to show up here, you know, having some deathbed specials and that sort of thing, you know. Oh, that's a fantastic idea. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Yes, you can order a Yusurosh Pilo, which of course is vodka with eight feathers in it.

Sounds delicious. Yes, it's very good. And of course, you know, the jalapeno poppers, which, you know, they look like the bed springs of the actual deathbed I'm laying on. Like, they're popping out of a bed. How fun. What are you calling them?

jalapeno poppers. So jalapenos, but they're served in a way that they look like they're a bed and they're popping out of the bed. I thought I thought you came to me for advice and I said calm spicy buttholes, but okay, yeah, no that's a good name too. Oh no, uh that name was already used for the very spicy meat balls you can order now. Oh Thank you. See that's tough because of course, that's a great money making avenue up until of course the moment of passing and then after that, you know, you won't be in charge anymore. If I, you know, and this, and a lot of artists can't pull this off, but if you could, may I suggest dying and coming back to life. It was amazing for me.

I've done that once and I've thought about doing it again, but I've completed my true purpose. So now I'll turn into a shaft of pure light and ascend to the heavens where I will be returned with the goddesses. You said there's a good point here though, you know, maybe shut my mouth, fuck you. But he was just talking about. I don't know how to handle your thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said, fuck you. But he was just talking about.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Have you considered establishing an estate? So after you pass, Shunt and I can still run all of your merch. So then for years and decades to come, we can still make use of our clocks

where like your legs kind of like twist at the bottom of the clocks. Yeah, if your legs twist at the bottom of the clock, where like your legs kind of like twist at the bottom of the clocks. Yeah, if your legs twist at the bottom of the clock, see, once your legs twist, I think what Arnie is saying is that gives us the power of a turned knee. So that what we can do is then sell those clocks for all of time while you're deceased. And we can benefit and thrive through your death. Well, this sounds like a terrible idea, but I'll sign anything.

Let's take a break while I sign these papers. Okay, yeah, we're gonna partner up with some other estates. We're gonna start making posters of like Yusador, Marilyn Monroe, and oh yeah, with his robe's kind of blowing up. Yeah, like he's standing over a little geyser. Who doesn't, who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want that.

It's a tragic tale of a of a grizzly who's trapped in a park and everyone in the park is very cruel to him. And they keep a keep stepping on his feet. So that was a Neil Simon's barefoot the puck. Oh no, that's that's so sad. I did. I didn't know he wrote that. That's him. Not yeah, yeah, very sad story. Wow, you know, it said, I don't know, Arnie, if you know this, but he was actually, he got lost. Nobody's seen or heard from him again. I can't remember the name of the place he got lost in. Bunkers maybe? Oh, he went insane. That's right.

He mentally got lost. He got lost in bonkers. Is that real time? I think so. Odds are good. And again, thank you guys so much. I don't do covers. This is a purely original act, so I'm not looking for new material, but I love your stories

every time you tell me them. When you sleep, we're talking bed, we're talking pillow, nothing else. Are you asking about blankets? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. No covers, blankets are fine. Oh my gosh, sometimes you know. Hildi, can I talk to her over here?

Okay, but can you just go to the stool over? Honestly, it takes me so long to talk. Yeah, no, I'll come to you. I'll come to you. I'll come to you. Yeah, come to me. Just explain myself, I've been running a focus group. A lot of the group really loves it when I do terrible jokes or fun little workplace.

Oh, yeah. So that's why I- How much do you pay the focus group? How much do you pay the focus group? Okay, okay, I heard you. I pay them. Don't tell Arne here, you said, or I pay them about 20 billion each.

And they provide me the feedback that I was looking for anyway. So it's just sort of a nice arrangement. You guys are talking right in front of my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but like you got closer to me. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Listen, I wasn't in charge, and I'm just sitting on the stool. Speaking of sitting on the stool, would you mind, you mentioned that you have your own ads.

Would you mind sharing an ad with us? Once you store dyes and we need to sell all these clocks, we'd love. Would you mind sharing an ad with us? Once you store dyes and we need to sell all these clocks, we'd love to know how to run an ad. Oh, of course. Well, I do a lot of targeted ads, depending on who the audience is. So let me just hone in on this group.

OK. Fingalisk gloves. But when your hands are clammy, but your fingertips are hot. Fingalist gloves. But when your hands are clammy, but your fingertips are hot. Fingalist gloves? Fingalist gloves? Sorry, was it? Oh, wow. Arnie, I think I understand the key is a lot of pixel-vow. Yeah.

Yeah, actually, I have my own focus groups that watch my show, and they take up two thirds of the audience mostly. And the focus groups tell me that it's important to keep people's interest by just varying the tone of your voice. So I'm deep apologies if I've been boring you earlier. I forgot to be doing my FUKLE WARMUPS. Do you really think that something like that could work? Oh, absolutely.

Now this is the first, that was a wonderful advertisement that you made. Oh, thank you so much. That was the first time I understood the purpose of fingerless gloves. Yeah, when your hands is clammy and your fingertips are hot? Yeah, that's exactly what it is. That does make a lot more sense now. The Xio is thought to like, if your hands are cold, don't you want a whole glove? Exactly, but what if you have, what if your havesies?

Yeah, great boy. Hildi, could we ever convince you to do an ad for our podcast, Love from the Magic Tavern, and maybe we would cut this out and like place it in other podcasts like Dungeons and Daddies or 99% invisible and just really promote Hello from the Magic Tavern using one of your ads for us. Oh, absolutely, but you know what we say in show business. Nothing is free. Sure, what's your price? What do you charge?

Well, these days it's a pretty high-end tall order because I've been once again touring, so I'm thinking, um, oh, I love pistachios. Fuck Arnie, pistachios and food are so expensive. Oh, how much? Insanely expensive. I want to say they're like 0.5 billion or 9. That's the lowest number I've heard so far this episode. Would you set up for a bowl of cashews?

Cashews, cashews. How about this? Use the redness of you to get smart. Sorry, what will you say? How about this? I'll set up bowl of cashews. Cashews, cashews. How about this? You used our dice of you to get smart. Sorry, what were you saying? How about this? I'll set off our two cashews, one red pistachio. Oh, oh, a red pistachio. Oh, you saw. You could just magic a pistachio to seam red.

Shut up, I was doing it! Holy God, sook about. Well, this looks very enticing to me. Of course, you'll have to negotiate further with my night manager, which of course is just me screaming after I take my night pills. Since the sun, uh, it looks like it has set fully. Did you want to go ahead and take your night pills? Oh, um, I do have a big show later, but I always perform better

after I toss a couple back. What do you say? Yeah, we'd love to meet your manager. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, sure. Could I trouble you to just give me a glass of bubbling water? Three bubbles, please. Nothing more. A just three? Okay. Yeah, just three. I just need something to toss these back.

Pour in a glass of water, and then... Oh, what a poot! There you go. Make one of the bubbles red. Shubba-bazoo-ee! Oh, thank you. Just set up nicely on a spoon like I like. Then make one of the bubbles red And we'll be able to talk to you again or you gone forget oh no, I'll be coming back Okay, I'll be right here if you need me just have you said or do you want to miss little spells little spells Hey, hey, how's it going? Oh, hello, what's your name? Yeah, my name is Ronaldo.

Ah, pleasure to meet you, Ronaldo. I understand that you've been doing some work for Hildi lately. Yeah, thanks so much, thanks so much for coming out. Yeah, she's doing some real good stuff here recently. Yeah, I remember talking to you now. You're the one that told me she was going to be coming here to do the show. Oh yeah, thanks so much, yeah. We really appreciate you taking her in. Listen, she thinks these shows are a hit, so don't even say anything though.

Oh, no, she thinks they're a hit. Say anything about what? Well, maaah, you know, just between us, and I know you are working fellows. And most of the audience is in fact a focus group and the focus on her immensely immensely closely But and that's really what she needs right everyone just wants to be looked that closely Right you want the audience to focus on what you're doing that makes sense exactly So they pay money they sit down and they focus on there, okay, and it's blowing her mind. Okay, well that's wonderful. Where else has Hildi played that you helped her get to?

Well, we started in a hometown, of course, underwater. And then we've just been slowly making our way across land. We're hoping to do sky. Next year, early next year. Ah, we're hoping to do sky. Next year, early next year. We're hoping to do sky. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, that would be huge. Well, there's only one way to get to the sky. The elevator.

Practice. I guess there's three ways. Ony was right for the first time. Yes. All right. I was going to say, practice, practice, fly. So three ways. I suppose. And I like to take the elevator, but...

Well, no, can I ask you, are there other secrets you've been keeping from Hildi? Gosh, it's hard to remember now what's a secret. Well, I... mostly what her doctor says after her visits. Oh, no. I, you know, I don't want to tell her this because I think, honestly, it will just... flunk her motivation. But I think she thinks that she only has 100,000 years to live. Doc says she is the healthiest ancient sea turtle he's ever seen.

This broad's gonna live forever. Okay? And that's a secret you're keeping from her for some reason? Yes! If she thought that she had to do this forever, she's so focused on how precious life is. I can't let her know she's never gonna pass. Uh, well we just met so enamed the night doctor who likes to put leeches on people while they're asleep. He might help shorten her life if that's, I guess what you want? I just don't want her to stop performing because you know we're working on so far.

Monetize, monetize, monetize. Right, right, right. Of course, of course. This is maybe a dumb question possibly rude. When Hildi dies, do you die? Yeah. Oh, good question. Oh my God, that was crazy.

What did I miss? Oh, Hildi! Hildi! Oh, was I being crazy? Oh, I don't know. No, I don't, I do that's not a word we like to bandy about. So, did I say? Did I say?

Oh, of course. Oh, no, of course. Oh, times are different now. You can call turtles crazy, but you know, it's fine just between us friends. Did I say any good poems? Well, we met Ronaldo. Oh! And learned a little bit about, you know, the business of show. Oh my goodness. All that stuff is way over my shell.

Congratulations for playing the ocean. And the water that's a home town here. The plan or water is such a feat. Like you should be so proud of yourself. Thank you. It was, you know, honestly, it was good to take what I do back to my hometown, which is, of course, the bottom of the sea. They say that playing underwater is the hardest audience.

Mostly because a lot of the attendees have to bob up to the surface for air every two minutes. So it really is impressive that you sold that out. Oh, yeah. I always thought they said it was the hottest audience because their skin had to handle the deep, terrible pressures of the depths of the ocean. Mm, yeah, I guess the bends would do it.

Oh, Ernie, have you ever had the bends so good? Front to back, just classic. If people forget about having the bends, having the bends is one of the best things you could do. It takes about an hour, 20, I want to say. Not a ton of hits on it, but just unbelievable. Really good. Better than you remember.

Maybe my favorite. Yeah, probably my favorite physical ailment I've ever had. Top three, I'd say top three. Oh, you guys are so lucky. There's so much variety in your bodies. All I get is shell rot. Can you cure that or fix that? How do you deal with that?

Yeah, asking for a friend. Yes, well, you know, it is a fungal infection. You get it? Yeah, you get it from sleeping and seaweed too often, which of course I was prone to doing my youth because I was meeting a lot of interesting creatures, which I've already bored you enough with already. No, but healthy. What is...

How has your life been different as a poet? Like, is your social life different now that you're leading a wild poet lifestyle? You know, thank you so much for asking. It's a funny trajectory. Because of course, you know, I've been married countless times. Yeah, right. And then of course, as a ghost, I had a very,

I'll say it, brave relationship with a horrible looking blobfish. Right, right. Just, just, just, just. Way, way, way below my league. And, you know, now, I am boldly loving myself. Oh, you're just like your show, you're just like your daytime show, you're dating yourself. Exactly!

I am the mother and the father, and I'm having the affair. And I'm the baby. And what you're playing all those parts is... I'm surprised. No, never mind. Um, healthy, so that's great. You've come to love healthy. Yes.

Through hating my shell, I come to love myself. I do take this hand in marriage. A talent for a talent, a ring on my squirrely little finger. This is another preview you're getting for free. Yes, this comes way into the 15th act, which is on day 2.5. Okay. That's it. Oh, oh, okay. Wow, Ron of applause, Ron of applause. Thank you. I'm just going to say it because my hands are tired. You know, Chant, I had the bends But I had asthma when I was a child. I also like that. Oh, yeah Wait, you had asthma you had imagine I had that kid a

You were the kid with the a. Uh-huh having a is a kid is really hard. It's really tough because a lot of people pick on you But it's worth getting through. Yes, absolutely aren Arnie, Pablo Honey, you're barely speaking. I know, I'm just thinking about my friend Gordon. The good guy. Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy,

Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, out. So depending on how ticket sales go, I might be here for a little bit, but I'm hoping to make my way up the mountain. Next stop, sky, if you know what I'm saying. That's right. I really hope you make it there. Oh, me too. Unless it's a place you can't come back from. I don't know. It sounds a little scary. Oh, really? I don't look up anything ahead of time. I just show up to the shows, but is the mountain not not so good? That grounds I would say don't place

I mean I think the sky is wonderful the mountain is somewhat vexing and unsettling and it might be an ancient dragon that's just sticking its tail out of the ground. We're not really sure. So you know just be careful. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, I don't want to play to a crowd that's not interested in me. Oh, I haven't met a crowd. I couldn't convince to love me. Who wouldn't be interested in you? Oh Dory, you're the best! Stop! I know! Hildy, would you mind sticking around while we answer a couple emails?

Oh, of course, even if I tried to leave, I'd still be in this room. Well, then you can start to leave into this chime in as you see fit. Oh, yeah, well, you know what? I'll start my commute, but I'll be here. So we have emails from listeners. Some of them are too magic tovaron at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address. Some of them are things sent to us from our Patreon supporters.

Both are valid, but one of them makes us more money. Hey, monetized, monetized, monetized. Well done. Oh my gosh, you've read my book. Here's one. Hello Arnold, Chunt, and Yucidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of a Vs. Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of Yusador, wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls

of Turokus, known to the elves as fying, yalek known to the dorses, zoned in hook stanzis, and known in the northeast as gasmoynes meystar. Did they say hello Arnold or hey Arnold? They said hello Arnold and it's Arnold. And I read that wrong. They said gasmauiness. Miesta. Miesta. O'Aval. This yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I'm currently listening through the entire podcast for the second time.

When I first caught up, I decided to look up what Arnie looked like before going to food. Arnie is actually very attractive. When listening to the show, I obviously pictured Arnie as a grotesque monster, but I was surprised. Love, Anthony Flath. Huh. I wonder why you decided to read this email.

Yeah, it's so funny about 700 days ago, I saw this email in our inbox, and it's so fucking funny because I was like, I bet a billion dollars Arnie reads this on air, so I guess a million. I'm a million. I'm gonna collect on my fortune. My question is, why did I read the whole email? Well, he doesn't really pose any question,

but I shan't deny its contents. Arnold is a very attractive man for his age. Yeah, incredibly attractive. I mean, I once tried to date him. He turned me down, but I tried to date him. And if Hildi has taught us anything, Arnie, it's that you should start loving yourself. And loving yourself means admitting

when you're fucking handsome and shit. Okay, yeah. You know what, I've been spending the season loving myself a little more than usual if I'm being perfectly honest, and I'm getting there. Great, then I'm not gonna follow up with my handsome and shit payoff, Joe. Oh, hmm. Here's another email. Great, then I'm not gonna follow up with my handsome as shit payoff Jack. Oh

Here's another email Let's see. Oh gosh, let me let me edit out some of these ones that are talking about how attractive I am Let's see here. Not that one not that one. Oh, here's one. Hildi, do you find humans attractive? It depends on which ones. Okay, Arnie. Do you find Arnie attractive? depends on which ones. Okay, Arnie, do you find Arnie attractive? Ah! Now take that as a yes. Here's the email, I was sad to hear that no one showed up on Usador's death day.

Please let Usador know that he is loved and appreciated and this crazy, fun world of food wouldn't be the same without him. Much love to you see, and may he be the devourer of death and chaos. Baron A stout, PS don't die, health and happiness peace and love. Thank you, thank you for saying don't die. You know, it's a little rude to say nobody showed up, because Arnie, unless I'm mistaken

and unless I'm fucking crazy, which is a word we don't use towards turtles, you and I were there. Yeah. Well, and I feel quite blessed that this Baron has decided to bless me by taking the time to condescend me and write a letter. How wonderful. And you know, I'm going to be honest, Yusudor.

We've gotten lots and lots of emails from people who love you very much. And you know, want you to, if you're going to go through this whole sham of pretending to die, they want it to be a positive experience for you. Now look, those are second only to as many emails as people sending to tell me how attractive I am, but still a lot. Oh, whoa. It's nice to hear. It's so nice to hear. People are telling Arnie he's attractive. People love Yusudor. I mean, it's so nice to just cover all three of us and get all those accolades out of the way.

What a pleasant end to the episode. Yeah, Hildi, can I ask, when you do eventually, if you eventually pass away, which one of your lovers from your hundreds of thousands of years do you wish shows up to your deathbed? All of them. Oh wow. Every single one.

My dearest fantasy is having all of my lovers in the same room, which I've tried to organize before, but I think only that will bring them together. And they want them to look into each other's eyes and know where they have been. What a wonderful gesture for all of them to appear and honor the life that you will have led. Exactly. And I'm sure they'll be able to do that soonish. I don't know what I'm talking about.

You'll live on of 100,000 years to live, or so, right? That's what I'm thinking. So I really gotta make the most of it. It feels long until it's not, but knowing there's an end really makes all this, the life of a performer is exhausting. Ah, well, yes, I suppose that's true.

Good luck to you. Oh, what a tragedy if you were to live nearly forever, and now be able to stop performing. Oh, but what a boon it would be to the Autistic Community. That's such a good point. Wait, Arnie, it looks like you dropped an email. There's an email here on the looks like you dropped an email. There's an email here on the floor.

Here's an email, this is from Dylan and Faith. It says, what's up babies? We love Chant, the most. And he is the easiest and the prettiest. And we love him the most. Don't die from Faith and Dylan. Oh, that's a fan, they say don't die. That's so fun.

Thank goddesses I found that drop email. Well done. Well, I didn't do anything. What do you mean? You found it. Yeah, I found it, but I didn't do anything else. No, I'm just saying good job on finding it. I mean, you know, I found.

Just saying good job on finding it. That's all I'm saying. Okay, fine, good. All right, emails falling out of my laptop. Shabbah, buh-buh-boy. Good, Zooka butts. There are emails falling out of my laptop. Shabba boboi! Good dookabuts! Oh look, an email for me! Let's see here, it reads, Dear Framing Device,

you take your craft too seriously to sink to the level of inventing complimentary messages from fictitious viewers. Love yourself. Hmm, both a sign off and a wonderful directive towards self-care. 10 out of 10, no notes. Wizard's Choice Award, Perennial Bridesmaid, user to the blue was played by Matt Young.

Trump, the talking badger, was played byffy, to the best of his abilities. Hildy the Poet Turtle was played by special guest Olivia Nielsen, follow her on TikTok at Olivia West Nielsen. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like Jake Grossman, Rosie the Cosmic Quilter, and I should point out Rosie's Cosmic Quilts are woefully unable to keep you warm in the depths of space I speak from experience Rosie, Gus Chambers, Alicia Rivera, Martina Ward, Cruz, and Nell Hardcastle.

Between us the Hardcastle Hobbits are the worst Hobbits. Patrons get ad-free episodes and at least two new bonus episodes each month. The most recent bonus episode is Good After Foon, a daytime talk show hosted by Deb Falcon and Corvath the Unknowable, played by Brooke Bride and Kevin Sorreta. Here, have a listen. And now, and not all of them got out, so there's got to be people of varying or forms of varying height and the most end bone skilleture that can be fashioned into a edifice to get up get up out of that thing. So to play a demon's advocate here for a minute to play to play a demon's advocate. Could you name the demon?

Shubel pants shubel pants of the all Shubel pants. Shubel pants of Ziff all Shubel pants. Oh shit Shubel pants. Fuck hold on. I'm gonna Well, I okay, I've surrounded us with runes, so we're protected Okay, see you later He might be on the show later though It's so you never know who's going to pop up on the left or food. Oh, so fun. Sometimes it's in demon that you name. Anyway, I'm sorry, so you were playing demons after Kit. Now, if listening to Kevin makes you think, should I do something about my sleep apnea

before it permanently damages my voice? Causing me to always sound like a pissed off Vodville star? Talk to your doctor today. To hear more? Yeah, there's more. Or learn more about supporting the show, you know, keeping the arts alive so that IT job for a hedge fund feels like it's for something. Visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne

Neekam, Matt Young in Adelrefyre. Post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Polen. Well, well, well, sitting alone silent in your own head looking for some friends, well, the hunt ends here because what I'm about to tell you is Shaba Bluey, you got three new friends. It's called the human, it's called the wizard, it's called the badger. But what it's really called is hello from the magic tavern.

Download today whenever you download your new friends that you listen to inside the furiors. And my name is Hildi, I'm on the show three times.