Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 25 - Cute Little Bear (w/ Kevin Porter)

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

An adorable little bear with an apron catches everyone's attention. Meet Philby!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPhilby: Kevin PorterMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Yes, this is a podcast. So if you're hearing my voice thinking you just downloaded the Encanto soundtrack, wow, something went really wrong. On the plus side, you no longer have to listen to Encanto. Which is catchy, the first 500,000 times. After that it becomes more of a meaningless drone that pins your attention span somewhere between hypnosis and a slow erosion of your will to live.

And there's no better segue to our particular brand of audio entertainment. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Davern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About 7 years and 2 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional

rift. And I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of nibble bottom, in the magical land of food. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby.

How you doing bud? I'm good. I'm good. I'm a little sad. As you can tell to me, I do have a dozen eggs. Sure. I'm a little I'm a little sad. Um as you can tell me I do have a dozen eggs. I miss my child, eggy baby. And so I thought, you know, my child is a giant egg. Yeah. Um, much greater than these eggs. Much much much much bigger. Much smarter, much handsomer, much more personality. But I thought, you know, I'm I missed them so much. I just thought to get

some regular eggs and just put them in front of me just to remind me of What has been what has come before? Yeah, and just gonna look at these eggs. Yeah, I think I'll just look at them maybe cook them tomorrow for breakfast We'll see you know who knows what's gonna happen who knows yeah, I mean I wouldn't have been my first guess Well, these aren't these are my child. That is true. I would never eat my child, but these eggs are just eggs. No, these are just a stand-in for your child on an emotional level for a short period of time until later when you cook them and eat them. Yeah, exactly. You get it.

I get it. Absolutely. Has there been any more word on Eggie Baby? I know we had heard that that bounty hunter or something had Eggie Baby? Yes, I did get a message from Bubble Fat, the bounty hunter that he does have my child. And I did, I got, what was it? A piece of shell in the mail. So that can't be good. Can't be great. So at some point, at some point, Arnie, will you help me track down my child?

Chunt, this is my promise to you. At some point, at some point, I will help you track down your egg. This season? You know what, I'll even go ahead and say, yeah, yeah man. Thank you, button. Thank you so much. I mean, look, again, we haven't established yet. If this is going to be a 50, 100, 200 episode season, but I'm telling you, buddy, this season, before it's done,

we're gonna track down Eggie Baby, or at least start the journey. Start the journey, exactly. You know, already I've been so rude, I'm missing my child, so I have all these eggs. Is there anything in your seven, you know, it's your over seven years now here in food? Is there anything from Earth that you're missing, that you're craving?

Hmm, well, it's complicated now because I have an artifact in my brain that when I'm asleep, I'm on Earth and I'm raising my child and it's all a little bit like a dream state for me, so I don't have great memories of it. So if I get any pop culture, things wrong, it's because of that, not because I'm just getting old. Oh, I don't know, maybe like cinematics? Oh, it's like maximum cinnamon? Mmm, like really potent flavors of spice? No, it's like a, it's like a play I guess.

It's like a theater. It's like a theater stage that has okay plays. Oh, but there's something charming about it. It has not as good a play as some of the other stages, but late at night, those plays get a little spicy. Ooh, so there is spice involved. They get a little salacious, maybe they were like, the actors were some self-stockings or something. If you're in danger of being overrun by too much cinnamon, I can write an insurance policy for you

that will help cover you in case of any damages or mental distress you get from having too much cinnamon. You said, oh, what are you doing? Oh, it's Ricky Dodo, I forgot. I am talking directly into your minds right now. This is you, Sinoff. Could the fear not this new guys I have taken from you? I am now, Richard Jenkins, insurance salesman. Oh, I thought you were a Ricky Dono, okay. All right. So if you're in danger of having too much cinnamon,

I'd gladly write a policy for you that would help cover you in case of any... Uh, Richard Jenkins, you're... We're the only people currently at the table. Besides you, you don't need to speak into our minds. So sorry, I'm so sorry. You know, speaking of cinnamon, what might be fun, Arnie, is how about I put a tablespoon of cinnamon in your mouth and you saw it. It's time to put things in my mouth.

You should be doing some little challenge. Hm, long to do it to yourself. Okay. I can't believe that worked. Delicious. Oh, no, jealous. Fuck, I missed my opportunity with that cinnamon. Olli, it's me, you should all speak into your mind again.

Yeah, it feels weird. Don't you want to introduce your Centillating new co-host Richard Jenkins, the insurance salesman? Okay, yes I do, you said, or can before I introduce Richard Jenkins, like can you give me just like a short, like some bullet points on why I should care about Richard Jenkins?

Well, I think he's a fascinating person who's lived a fascinating life. Before he got into selling insurance He was a professional bi athlete he would fire an arrow and ride on schemes all across foods What a fantastical creature he was he's been married three times wait a minute if you fire an arrow wall on skis Are you trying to hit yourself further down the slope? That's right. He was the best of that. Oh He would fire an arrow and then ski so fast that the arrow would give him. Wow. Okay, I'm sold Yeah, we let's not talking our mind anymore

So Richard Jenkins excited to have you as a new probably temporary co-host on hello from the magic tavern. How you doing? Thank you so much for making me the new permanent co-host of hello from Magic Tevern. I'm very excited to be here. And as you may know, I sell insurance policies of all kinds, any kind of danger you may encounter. Hold on, Richard. Hold on. Yeah, this is all riveting. Thank you.

But, Arnie, do you smell that? I don't know if it's just because I swallowed like a pound of cinnamon or if it's in the air, but something smells delicious. I don't know if it is cinnamon rolls or what's happening, but do you get that smell in the air? What is it? It's like wafting in.

That smell good. Oh, I think our guest might be here. Hey, Philby, Philby, come up here. You gotta climb up this little ladder to get to these chairs. Okay. Okay, I'm up here now. What the fuck this is the cutest little thing I've ever seen Hi everybody. Oh, I'm so happy to be here. What a nice time Thanks for joining us today, Philby. It's really exciting to have you here. Oh my pleasure. You y'all y'all are so fun Yes, that's right. I sayall. My goddesses, Arnie, this is the cutest creature we've ever had.

Might be, might be. Philby, tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, my name is Philby, and I love baking, baking of all kinds and of all sorts. And I've brought today, what you might have been smelling before, some carrot cake muffins. Oh. For each of you to try. Even you, Richard Jenkins. I'd love to try one of your muffins, but I have a strong allergy to carrots, so I'm afraid I won't be able to partake today. And you don't have an insurance policy on your own allergies?

I do, but I don't want to pay out my own insurance policy. If I don't have to, I sort of get in trouble with my boss if I do that, so I don't want to. But surely you have an epic pen on you. I do have an epic pen. It writes the greatest epic poems of all times. It's a magic pen, but I don't use it either, because I'm afraid that if I use it, it'll write

a poem so amazing that no one will ever be able to write a better poem. Then I would get sued by all the authors in Foon who would sue me for damages against their livelihood. Wow, so many details, that's how you know it's a truth. Thank you, Richard Jenkins. Quite a few details. Wow. Richard Jenkins, I gotta say, I just feel like you're someone that's a little stuck in your life and you're just waiting for something random to come into your life and teach you a little bit about how life is for living. I know you see, I've had an adventurous life

in the past and it was too dangerous. So now I'm just an insurance salesman. I'm trying to really buckle down. What did you do, Richard? What did you do in your past life? Well, I was a biathlete. I was the greatest biathlete in all of Foon. I've been married three times.

Quite an adventure. The adventure of divorce. The adventure? Well, they all died. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, that's my bad. No, no, that's okay, I'm so sorry. Oh, that's- That's my bad. No, no, that's okay.

Don't worry about it. No, they- they, uh, they died trying to kill me, so- Oh! Oh! Okay, I feel complicated about it. They all found out about each other, so- Still sorry that happened to you. It's complicated.

It's complicated. And Richard, this is fascinating. We will follow up more on this. Okay. I am sorry. This is- The cutest little follow up more on this. Okay. I am sorry, this is the cutest little thing I've ever seen. I know! Why the fuck are we talking to Richard Jenkins? Phil, are you?

I myself, my name is Chunt, I am a currently a badger, but I am a shapeshifter. I have to ask, are you some sort of tiny bear? I'm a little bear boy. What can I say? This is the form I have and the form that I love. You have to love yourself in your own body. That's true.

And just for legalese, just for legalese, it's B-E-A-R. That's right. B-E-E-A-R. We do have to legally say that. And just to be clear, because I'm from another world. No, it's important to be clear. That is how it's spelled in Fune, right? I'm just making sure it's not like an opposite- opposite-see spelling-ees in Fune, right? I'm just making sure it's not like an oppositesy spelling ease in Fune.

Yes, Crom. Oppositesy. Crom the barbarian loves B-E-A-Rs. It's not opposite day, I promise you. Phil, have you ever considered taking out an insurance policy, specifically a cuteness insurance policy for situations just like this, where two, for lack of a better word,

imbisels decide you're super cute, and then they try to pinch your cheeks, they try to tossle your little hair, and then potentially you hurt, you know, then like how do you... Imbisels morons was right there. Wow. How do you continue to make a living?

I mean, I assume you're, I assume you're, I assume you're gainfully employed at the moment. Well, I have a new business I'm trying to start, but no, I didn't consider a cuteness insurance policy. I didn't know such a specific policy existed, but I am interested. Great, I'll write it up for you right now

while you talk to these more. Wonderful. Phil, how tall are we talking? What do we say, three inches, four inches? Oh, you gotta give me a little more credit than that, Chant. I'm two and a half feet tall. Oh, I think what it is is that the eyes to body ratio

is so off your eyes are enormous, they're saucers. It's a common mistake. When I write down my details for dating situations, I do get a little generous with the engines. What dating services are you currently using? Well, it's mostly just sort of, you know, how do I say? A peer-to-peer network within the forest and by peers I mean everyone in the

forest is a peer of one another and we all just kind of tell each other and write down each other's details and pass it on to each other in between the trees. So you kind of write down what you're looking for handed to like a bird or something or any animal they just kind of pass it around. Yeah and it's kind of on our system there's really no accountability whatsoever. Wow I was once I once turned into a grizzly and I used bear bottom. Oh, and I thought that was a fantastic dating app. Oh, tell me more about that. Well, it was basically like it within the forest,

within any sort of forest system, what you do is you basically, you find some honey and you smear the honey on a tree and then other bears will kind of rub up against it to scratch their butts And when they do that the tree will let you know that they're there and then you can come up and kind of make small talk And if you hit it off you can kind of see where things go. Wow. That sounds wonderful I don't know why I haven't heard of that. What do we call it bear bottom? It is one of the most charming apps bear bottom Philby what are you? Because we get a lot of travelers here in this tavern.

And we have a lot of guests. We interview. What are you looking for in a partner? Oh, you know, thank you so much for saying that. Well, I've been reading a lot about attachment theory recently. I'm looking for someone with a secure attachment. Because I've done enough of the anxious and avoid

an attachment in the past. And I tell you what, I've been burned a lot. Oh, Fulby, I'm so sorry. I'm here that. I met my second wife through Bumble B. It was, she got stung. Did she have B insurance? I think we all want to know.

That's, I came up to her afterwards. I said, it looks like you got stung by a B. We can make this policy retroactive. It's not illegal. Oh, a plan B. Sounds illegal. It's not actually. You have up to 60 days to get humble being insurance

after you've been stung. I'd help cover your medical costs and cover your cost of living. If you're not gainfully employed during the time you've been stung by a bee. Wonderful. Arnie, how do you think it's going with Richard Jenkins? You said what the fuck is the deal with Richard Jenkins?

Isn't he exciting in a thrill a minute? No, why? Here's the thing, he's the worst combination you said, or he is really boring, and he had just charismatic enough to draw you into caring about his boring details. Arnie, you're talking out loud to no one. What do you do? Nothing, sorry. I'm just, it's an old earth expression

from the world that I'm from. You know. Everything you just said is at one earth expression? Yeah. Do you need mental health insurance? If you're hearing voices and talking to people, maybe you need some insurance to help you with your medical bills? Possibly. We could look into that later,

but I guess I'm interested in learning a little bit more about film-y. I got a lot of details to offer. While we're getting some details, do you mind if I try this carrot cake cupcake? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Well, it is a muffin. That is a muffin of a cupcake, yes. I'm Absolutely. Well, it is a muffin. That is a muffin a cupcake. I'm sorry. It just it looks exactly like a cupcake. A common mistake. Don't even worry about it. I mean really the only

difference is frosting. Oh wait, they're muffins? Yes, they are muffins. Oh, I'm allergic to carrot cake. Not carrot muffins. I can have one. Oh, okay. I mean, it's a lot of the same ingredients, but I'll take care of it. Oh, okay. This is embarrassing. Arnie, yeah, there's a bear of the same ingredients, but I'll take care of it. Okay. This is embarrassing. Arnie, yeah, there's a bear claw in my muffin. This is so embarrassing. Should I say something? Philby, I found, did you lose this? I found a little bear claw.

Oh, look at that. I've been looking for that everywhere. Yes, that's it. Now this should go with donuts, not with muffins, right? That is true. This is a pastry. This is a pastry. It is. Muff. This is a pastry. This is a pastry. It is.

Muffins are not necessarily pastry. I believe muffins are a pastry, technically. Okay. I, who, okay. Not to get cross about it, but I do. Oh, he's so cute. He's so cute. You're coming at this bear pretty hard trying to tell explain pastry to him. Oh, I'm all riled up, but he's so fucking cute. This, well, I know we got distracted by the bear claw,

but this is delicious. This is one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life. And the eye- Thank you so much, Richard Jenkins. And I ate at the high court in Northeastia after I won the 23... Usador, usador. Last details, last.

I've had one before. I've had one before. I've had one before. I was trying to, I was trying to feel an unexplained hide, eaten in Northeastia with the king and queen themselves, but I'll be quiet now. Yeah, I've had, I've had one of these before. Oh, nice. Terrific.

And you know what it's like. So good. But this is the best one. Great. Philby, what's the name of your bakery? And is it somewhere here close by in a nibble bottom? Yes, it's called Philby's Bakery. Now it is my first draft, but I do think it's my best one.

I think it says everything you need to know. Philby, that's me. Bakery, that's what it is. What more can I say? To the point, I like it, street forward. I thought about making a sort of pun, like, Phil B. Baking. But my name's not Phil, so that wouldn't make any sense. And there's no Bs.

Like, women Bs shopping. Phil Baking. Right. I'm just an insurance salesman who's been married to three women at the same time who all killed each other, but- That's the same time. Wait, I was at the same time. That's interesting. Yeah, they found out about each other, that's why they ended up,

and it's a long story. Anyway, it's not very interesting. I'd rather talk about insurance, but, you know, you could do some sort of pun name for your bakery. I love Philbis bakery personally, but if you are, if you do consider it a first draft, you could, as we just mentioned, call it bear clause, and I think that would be a door.

Wow. Now I think people might get confused about that though, because I make more than bear claws. And to tell you the truth, I'm not that good at bear claws myself. I think my bear claws are okay at best. Are you so humble? Or are you so cute and so humble?

Yeah. But I want to get better. I'm really trying. Oh, and look, he has kind of like flour all over his cheeks. And a little apron. And a little apron. He's been so hard to work. Oh, but he said, oh, he said muffins or faceries. Yeah.

It's probably not sanitary for him to be wearing that apron out of his bakery and just walking around town with it, but still it's adorable. Well, it's sort of a uniform for me. It's how you need to know, like, you know, if there's a sort of law enforcement officer in the midst, you want them to dress up as such. If there's a bacon in your midst, you want to know that they're there. I think that's true. Smart, smart.

Well, if you ask someone if they're a baker, they have to tell you. Speaking of, you have to tell us, every time we have a bear on the show, we do have to ask, do you have two parents who are at the bookings of hot and cold? Wow now? This is sort of a sensitive subject for me Because they're no longer together Thankfully under less dramatic circumstances than Richard Jenkins's ex-spouses, but yeah Reason they did divorce is because they could never agree on the temperature of their food and it's very sad for me. I guess it's like a common bear problem where it's just like this is too hot, this is too

cold, this is too hard, this is too soft and I know the product of that, as you know, a child, the offspring of these bears, I know it can be a pretty big bummer. Well every subculture has their own generational trauma, and that's mine. It's temperatures of food. Arnie, have you ever seen somebody say generational trauma with a smile? He's so cute.

He's so cute. He's working through it, and I'm optimistic that I'll be able to conquer it one day. It's funny. He seems like he's probably smarter than any of us. And he's so adorable. I keep being compelled to treat him like a child. I know, but clearly he's very articulate and well read, and could run circles around us philosophically.

Well, let's take a quick break, we'll enjoy these muffins, and we'll be right back with more Philby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Details it's clear you're full shitting what I just tried to feel in the rich life of Richard Jenkins Fill me that muffin was I don't want to be hyperbolic the best fucking thing I've ever eaten Wow, thank you so much. There was a little bit of ginger in there. So maybe that was the special sauce if you will Yeah, trying to be ever had ginger before this guy thinks ginger's a sauce. Now I know I'm right about the pastries.

Oh, I was just using a colloquialism. Again, no need to be cross. Chond Okay, okay, okay. No, you're right. No, of course, of course, you're right. What is your, now this was, again, the best thing I've ever eaten. Do you have a specialty at Philby's bakery? I tell you what, I make a mean apricot cheesecake.

That's one of my favorite things to make. Hey, Arnie, can you hear me? Yeah, I'm right next to you. You can't talk into my mind, but yeah, I'll just get closer. What? This pronounced apricot. Okay, apricot.

What is it? Is it in the simian family? Chop. Apricot. Look, you're adorable too. Okay, you're an alt look, you're not as adorable as Philby, but that's okay. Oh, no, who is?

You got a lot to offer, you don't need to find ways to be better than Philby. None of the three of us are better than Philby, okay? I know that, I think I'm getting so riled up because I'm in love with him. Oh, giant. Does that make sense? So, so you can sign right here and sign right here, Filby?

And then initial here. I'd as well, here I go. Okay, sign right here. You're all Filby Filby, don't just, don't, don't just sign this stuff. But I've almost finished making the B in the name Filby. I was so close. We can get back to this later, it's okay, don't worry about it. Uh, so, so, so Filby. Oh, and I almost, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, Sorry, go back to interviewing Philby. That's what I'm here for to be a new co-host and help out, not interfere.

I'm down for whatever. If you wanna give your attention to anyone else, I'm fine with that. Oh, no, Richard Jenkins is just a visitor. He shouldn't be digging up this much space. Yeah, I think I'm the permanent new host. Philby, you mentioned before, you know, are sort of looking for a relationship

or just sort of trying to find a better relationship for yourself. Oh sure, I've been burned on the past many times. Do you have like, you know, if you were to write a note of what you're looking for and pass it around this tavern, what would be some of the things you're looking for? Well, secure attachment is very important to me. someone with a lot of integrity and character someone who's very hot Also someone who understands my needs and supports me and I can support them in return Yeah, John. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry

Just a no-no-no all the way down. I'm so sorry buddy. I tried and by the way It's actually sort of an overflow of my traumatic experiences that I specify I'm looking for someone hot Because unfortunately my father was not so I'm trying not to make the same mistakes my father did Wow again temperature difference. It's a lot. Again, temperature difference. It's a very complicated trauma within our community. Something that other creatures can't even begin to understand. So, yeah, you're saying your father was hot and your mother was cold? Exactly.

Oh, and the hot and cold differences go on from there. Food temperatures, attractiveness levels, even volume in tone. He would run a little hot. She would run a little cold, affectionate-wise. Oh, it just goes on and on. Need I say more. And out of all that, Shelby, you ended up, it seems just right. And that's what makes you such a great baker is that you understand the correct balance of temperatures. I'm very, it's very impressive. You should still have fire insurance on that bakery. Oh, that's a good idea. I'll get some of that too. Whatever insurance you tell me to get, I'm going to get it.

I'm just going to write up 10 or 12 policies right now while they continue interviewing. Wonderful. Oh, how does it more if you like? I think Phil, if I may, I think I can finally put my thumb on why I've been a little short with you at times. I think that because you're just so excruciatingly cute, but you have the saddest eyes. And I think that dichotomy is really messed with my brain somehow. I understand that. It may always look like I'm on the verge of tears. Yeah. I think what I'm trying to project into the world, baking, sharing, baked, baked goods, sweets and treats, pastries, like carrot cake muffins, which is a pastry.

The world is, I'm just looking to spread a little kindness. I love that, that's so sweet. Exactly, oh, you're catching on, it's very sweet. You know, I just realized I'm getting to go get some drinks for everyone at the bar. Maybe I'll let you two catch up, like, to sort of check. Get to know each other a little bit if that's all right. Find by me. Should I stay here?

No, we should check. Come on with me. I'll go with Arne. Wow, just the two of us now, Chant. Yes, I can't believe. What would you like to talk about? Please, call me on Chantay. Ha-ha, kiss my little hand. I'll kiss it myself. Yes, I got you. What would you like to talk about? Please, call me on Shantay.

Ha ha, kiss my little hand, I'll kiss it myself. Oh, I don't get it, but I am still charm nonetheless. Perfect, perfect. You're pulling it, Shant. Let's talk about your last relationship. Oh goodness, how much time do you have? I'm just kidding. We have about 30 more minutes. Oh, okay, great. I can probably do it in that time. How much time do you have? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a certain way. And I did, and as much as I didn't want to be like my father, I am my father's son. I know the type blonde hair. She actually was blonde-haired, yes.

Human. She was a human. Searching for a place to rest her head. Absolutely, and I thought I could provide it for her, but it turns out at the end of the day I couldn't, and I was also very disgusted by a woman who would want cold porridge. And it's gross, right? That's gross. It was nasty to me, absolutely nasty. Phil, it's just so cool to see just like a bear

who like cares, who like gives a shit, you know? Because I feel like a lot of bears just don't care. That's why I don't know, and I'm not trying to like, you know, I'm not trying to like talk bad about your species, but there's a lot of mullings, and there's a lot of picnic baskets that get eaten up and stuff. Oh, of course, there's a few bad actors in the community

that give all of us a bad name, and whenever anyone's talking in the land of food about it, of course, it's the same suspects over and over again. He did this, he m this. He mauled her Etc. Etc. And that's why I do feel a lot of pressure to represent bears well Not only am I not gonna mall you. I'll bake something for you. Oh The opposite of mom Oh, hey guys don't don't mind me. I'm just I still got to get the drinks

Have there's some snacks here some berries berries, anybody wants some in China. I know you love cold porridge, so here's some cold porridge for you. I'll be right back, I'm going right back to the bottom. This is just a joke we have. Oh, excuse me, Chant. But what is that? Oh, this is cold porridge, it's a joke, it's a joke we have.

But since it's in front of me, I will eat it as a joke. As a joke? Yeah. Do you want of me I will eat it as a joke as a joke yeah do you want some do you want some as a joke no thank you okay wow you turn pretty ice cold uh I hope I got a chill there's a chill in the room yes there is my spoon is gathering frost it feel be are you magical well I didn't want it to come out this way, but how do you think I bake what I bake? Do you think I put in some magical sort of square that I controlled the temperature of with a knob

or something? No, no, of course, I just assume like sugar butter flour. That's what I thought. I thought the magical box thing. Well, those are the ingredients, of course,, Chuck, but how do I control the temperature? I blow on it with my magical breath, sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's cold. I'm horrified and horny at the same time. And I do that for about 12 to 30 minutes.

Just blowing constantly until it's done. It takes a long time and I am quite winded afterwards. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, um, got damn it, Richard. I wish we were at the table right now. Well, there's probably notch going on over there. What kind of life turn insurance do you have? I don't know. I probably would over whatever I had on earth. Now, Phil, I will say, I know I don't look it. I'm not wearing a shes hat. I'm not wearing an apron. I don't have little poofs of flour all over my butt

in a hand printer popper. But I once had my own restaurant called Chuchu's Channel, so I'm a bit of a gourm on myself. Wow. Did you make any hot dishes? Or was it just that cold shit you were eating before? I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food.

I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food. I'm going to go to the store and get some food, but it's just good to know that now, then later. Okay, well, what if I put these, let me just get this out of my bag.

What if I put these beakers in between us and this Bunsen burner and these potions in the vials. Now do we have a little bit of chemistry in between us? Well, you're getting warmer. You're getting warmer. Yes. Listen, Chant, a lot of the problem with my last partner was her You're getting warmer. You're getting warmer. Yes. Listen, Chant.

A lot of the problem with my last partner was her complete inability to change her inflexibility. But if you're someone who can warm to the idea of a hotter temperature, I think we may have something on our hands here. If baking is the opposite of mauling, I'm the opposite of inflexibility. I'm literally a shapeshifter. Very fl- oh wonderful, even better. Yeah. That's the thing.

That's always what I'm looking for too, what I should have said, for a potential partner. Secure attachment, very hot, and someone who's very flexible. Hey guys, I'm back with actually. So, I hope things are going well. I do see this chemistry set, so I guess Inchun has started to move into visual workplace. Not always the best sign, but you're both smiling, so that seems good. Here's some ale for you, Philby. Oh, thank you so much. Here's some bear piss for you, John. Oh

Thank you so much Wait a minute What I didn't know they served that here. What what is going on? I it's just a joke But I'll drink it as a joke It's just a joke, but I'll drink it as a joke. What? Do you understand how they extract the bear piss? From the bear's genitals?

Yes, from the bear's genitals. Do you know why they have to do that? Because the bear's drink too much? Because the bear's drink too much. Do you know why they drink too much? Because other creatures force them to drink. They get sold into a system of forced labor, in which they drink too much and then they piss into those little mugs. And then you people, excuse me. No, please. Just enjoy it for your own pleasure. How do you think that makes me feel? Joy it for your own pleasure. How do you think that makes me feel, Chuck? You must feel, I had no idea.

Bear piss? Bear piss is basically liquid fog, raw? I, I truly, please, I did not know. I did not know. There is no ethical consumption of bear piss in this land. I'll tell you that much. I'm so sorry, Phil, I had no idea. I just thought it was gross as hell.

I, I didn't know there was more to it. Oh, opposite of a wingman? Cause that's what you are. I was drinking this Apple Teenie as a joke too. Are they apples okay? Apple's so fun. There's no ethical weirdness with that. You're totally-

This is just a joke. I'm just drinking this Apple. Yeah, no, but that's good. If you like Apple Teenies, then I think that's great. Oh, thanks. Yeah, you know what? It's not a joke. I love them.

Tail lady? Hey, love what you love. Am. You know what? It's not a joke. I love him. Tail, lady. Hey, love what you love. Am I right, Richard Jenkins? Thank you so much. And you love Apple Teenage. No reason to be ashamed of it.

Thank you. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Why don't we go to the bar and get some different drinks for everybody and let Richard Jenkins and Filmy get to know each other a little bit? Oh boy, speaking of chemistry, I can't wait to have some with Richard Jenkins. Damn it. Yeah, my shots fucked. I'm sorry.

No, you ruined it. Come on, let's go buddy. So Richard Jenkins, what else do you like besides Apple T-Nees and insurance policies? Well, I do enjoy painting. I've been recently into oil painting. I find it I can express myself artistically that way. I assume you express yourself artistically through your baking.

I like to. Sometimes, sometimes I make fun, low creative designs with the frosting. What do you like to paint, Richard Jenkins? Mostly landscapes at night. So there's a lot of dark blues and blacks. It's pretty. So maybe some ring-lamp stars.

You hear this shit? Oil painting? Oil be painting you, giant fuck you on your wall tonight, you sador. I'm Richard. John, are you doing okay? No, I'm sorry, I'm just so cute. I'm so cute. So do you mostly do pastries?

Or do you also do wedding cakes and things like that? I did recently cater a wedding. That's true. That's exciting. I made pies, cakes, brownie bars of all kinds. Oh, that's wonderful. My third wedding, we decided not to have it catered because I married a harpy.

And that, she just wanted us to eat live lands. So we just kind of descended on an island and kind of devoured all the lands that were on island. Oh my, that's not ethical at all. No, it was awful. It was one of the reasons it wasn't gonna work out. That's just me. Have you ever been in a long-term relationship?

I know you mentioned you'd been in relationships. But have you ever been married? I was married briefly for three months. It didn't work out. So sorry to hear that. Again, because of the temperature thing. And again, like my last partner as well, that was true of her. It's unfortunately a toxic trait on my part

that I keep getting attracted to that which I fundamentally don't believe in as a value in virtue. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just see these women and they look so cold and I'm like, I can warm them up, I can bring the heat and yet things end up turning out as they usually do. Quick Arnie, I need to ship shift into a cold woman. Is that really what you need to do? I don't know, Chant. I mean, I think so, right?

I'm just getting started to get the sense that neither you or Richard Jenkins are really right for Philby. Well, you haven't had your shot, which speaking of Richard, sorry about you, your third wife seems to still be alive and is at the bar asking about you. You better go check on her. Arnie, why don't you sit here and let your eye will go to the bar. Excuse me, I have to go talk to the ghost of a heartbeat. Um, well, hi, Philby. Why don't we take a really quick break and

which will be deathly silent and just sit here? And then I'd love to chat and get to know you a little bit better. Wow, I really didn't expect to be romance by so many people while plugging my bake shop, but whatever. Taking an ad break during a date, Ernie, you are one really delightful, but I have to say upfront I'm not really emotionally available. I'm really not in a place where I'm dating right now, so but I still that doesn't mean we still can't be friends.

Oh, we could be best friends if you wanted to. I'm open for whatever. Well, slow down, best friends. Oh, wait. Well, I don't know. You never know when you wanted to. I'm open for whatever. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, We see each other on the tavern two or three times a year. We're always like genuinely excited to see each other, but then we don't really communicate in the time in between. Oh, yeah, that sounds good to me. Again, another one of my toxic traits is I'm an absolute pushover.

Me too, buddy. We got so much in common. Hey, two pushovers in a pod here, am I right? I know. On a pod. Haha. Are my ears burning, do I hear somebody say Apple turnovers? burning, guy? You're somebody who say Apple turnovers? No, you didn't.

Did you just say turnovers? No, I said pushover. I didn't say turnover. Don't think I haven't forgot what you did. Oh, um, boy, I really wish Chantwooden come back to the table, but I'm not going to say anything about it. He's trying to relate to me using pastries and turnovers, speaking my language as it were, but it's not gonna work.

No, no, no. Wow, I could not imagine a crueller fate. To be rejected by a two-foot-five bear? Hey, Chun, come and sit down with me and my new best friend, Philby. First friend, mother, foo! Is it a acquaintance? Is it a best friend? I'm starting to get a little confused here. Maybe we should define the relationship. Should I come over there too?

No, no! No! So, I was a little late on the draw there. I just want to be agreeable. Fulby, how is your bakery doing? Well, there's a reason I'm on this podcast to plug it because it's not doing well. Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. Why do you think it's not doing as well as it could? Well, I haven't started charging people money.

Oh, that do. For the pastries. So I'm losing a lot of money. Yeah. Why haven't I started charging money? Well, I guess I just feel bad about it. That's heartbreaking. You don't... I know, listen, Philbi, I know there's no real connection here between us in terms of romance or anything in that regard. But don't you see that you don't value your own time and talents, your effort, your sweat, your bare claws are worth something. Until you start to charge for your food, you're never going to find love.

Well, like I said, I'm a big pushover and a part of being a pushover is not value you need yourself properly. It's bending to the whims and wills of whoever you're with at any given moment. So yes, you're right, Chant, I don't value myself. My time, my skill, my trade, maybe like I should. But that's okay if other people are happy. I don't need to be happy. Oh, there's a little rain clout over his head that appeared

What a cute little rain got even the rain is cute cute rain If others are happy it doesn't matter if Philby is happy. It's really okay Philby can I ask? You know being a baker. Yeah reminds me of a story from my world. Is there a small good thing? We can do to make you happy? Like, maybe we can't fix all your problems, Philby, but is there some small thing that would make you a little happier? Maybe just ask for something that you want,

and we'll do our best to get it for you. Yeah. Wow. Well, I've never quite thought about it before, but maybe a huge monetary investment in my business would be a small thing that would make me happy. Ah, shit. Oh, what am I going to do with all this money?

Oh, Richard, Richard, we're joking early. It was a joke. Come over here, you dumb. It is opposite day. It is opposite day, and don't give Phil be all your money I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it was opposite day. I hate Apple TVs. Oh And you are allergic to carrots. Oh, no. Oh So you don't want me? I'm sorry you guys. I hate opposite day. It's so confusing because which parts are opposite?

I'm saying you love that opposite day. He loves opposite. No wait, see even that. I love opposite day. I would not like to invest in your business, Philby, because you're one of the, everything we've tasted so far has been delicious. And I just want more and more of it. Yeah, and Philby, you gave us,

you gave out free samples like it was a free school lunch. We should, we should give you something in return Wait are you seeing we shouldn't give him something because it's still opposite day? I don't fuck why did we do this on an opposite day? Maybe we should call an opposite day more Torium just for the next 10 or so minutes. Yeah, can we be in a cone of non-opposite day? Non-opposite cone agreed upon. Great. Agreed.

Yes, I think. Right? Or should we not agree on it so we can be in it? Here, let's test it out. I love Apple Tienis. Yep, we're all good. Okay, sure. I drank bear piss.

Yeah, I really did. I really did, and I'm so sorry about that. Philby, how much we talking? How much? Let's talk turkey. How much money do you need to get off off the ground? Well for the next five years, I guess I'm looking for, oh I don't know, eight grand? Here's a bag of 20,000 gold so you can use the other 12,000. Wow! You know, the difference there, if you need to buy a little barehouse. Oh.

Oh, wow, yes, the market right now is really bad, so this will go a long way. Yeah. Wait a minute, aren't Arnie Richard? No, that made me a little bit table. Did you see when he handed Philby that bag of 20,000 gold? He put it in a bigger bag that said, money from suckers.

I think this motherfucker just played us. You know I don't read bags. You know what, I'm gonna confront him. Let's get back up on the table. All right. I'm a little bit mad. I'm a cute little girl. Oh, I'm a cute little girl.

Oh my God, I'm a cute little girl. I'm a cute little girl. I'm a sincere guy and I'm very cute, very little. I bake and I never lie. Oh, I'm sorry, were you guys done? Oh, I've lost all my mustard. Did C. Did sing that song right in the non? I know. You know what?

Did you see the little dance I was doing to go along with it? Yes, it could not have been cuter. I've been working on it for months. I mean, the way the little bits of glitter came off of your little tiny bear paws was maybe the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Thank you. Wow. And I was married to an angel. Oh my goodness.

I can't believe instead of a bow tie, he just has a long jaw and donut on his neck. It's adorable. John, is it so bad of what just suckers? If we just let Richard Jenkins give a bunch of money, like, I don't know where they got, I never would lie, lalalalala, you could always trust Filthy. I mean to be fair, we already gave him the money. There's nothing to do about it. And it wasn't my money, it was Richard Jenkins' money, and he doesn't even exist.

Yeah, it wasn't my money, it was Richard Jenkins' money. But, you know, where did that money come from? It's from wherever I created Richard Jenkins' from. So we're all in the agreement. We let this little motherfucker slide. Yeah. Well, think lying too. If he stays in town, he can try and make a great way to enjoy those days.

Filled the interest. Filled the is not nice. Wait, I think his song has clues. Filled the is not nice. Filled the is lying. They'll never catch on, cuz I'm so cute. Philby is a con man going from town to town to con all the creatures in the town. Yes, they always lie.

Alright, the gym is up. What? I grabby by your logger. Shake you. Oh no! Oh! Philby, you're the cutest thing I've ever seen. Uh-huh.

But you clearly did swindle us. Give us back our the cutest thing I've ever seen. Uh-huh. But you clearly did swindle us. Give us back our money and nobody has to get hurt. Okay. Here you go. Here's all of it. Every last sin. Oh, he's crying.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't. I just didn't know what to do. It's been really hard lately. Oh no. And his tears are because his eyes are saucer-sized.

His tears are so large that they loop to loop around his eyeball before falling down. Oh no, and his tears are because his eyes are saucer-sized. His tears are so large that they loop to loop around his eyeball before falling down. Oh no. They make a little noise. Filthy messed up. Real bad. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Filthy, John messed up.

John messed up. Big time, big time. Johnson, idiot, John, I've become your dad. I'm not, hey, listen, I didn't mean to be cold. Let me be warm. Take that money be cold. Let me be warm. Take that money. Yeah, let me be warm. Take this money.

And here's 20,000 gold more. Oh fuck. Oh, even 20,000 more would make me feel a lot warmer too. Chad, where did you get that money? Don't worry, it's not mine, it's use it lose. I sell some money coming from. Wow, you guys are secretly very wealthy. I guess so.

Yeah, that's, I mean, the wealthiest people don't dress it, so. So a cool 60K would make this all go away. I believe so. That'd be very, very warm with you. Okay. Okay, so that's 60K plus the 40K he already has. Don't make me do math. It's a nice round 100,000 gold coin.

That's right. That's what I'm looking for. And he has for eight grand. Ah, okay, I ain't got that much money. You got a franchise. I think so, I think Philby's bakery or Bear Claws or whatever it is that we're gonna call it. It's gonna do very well. Where are you now?

Philby's bakery, Bear Claw or whatever. Do you even have a bakery? Ah, yeah. Here you go Here's here's my card that the bakery name is on right there in ink that's not wet This is a piece of paper that says bread on it and the ink is tripping. Let me see that Well, you know bread is a kind of it's a baked good. That's kind of a bakery in and of itself We all contain multitudes, right? Hmm.

You know, uh, uh, you know, I actually, wait, I think the opposite cone isn't working anymore, that's why all this is happening. The opposite cone must have been lifted when we didn't know it. Richard, you need to be used to door and get inside his head and yell at him to make him fearful to give back the money. I should yell at Philby inside of his head and yell at him to make him fearful to give back the money. I should yell at Philby inside of his head. As Yusidor, Yusidor is loud and scary, Richard Jenkins is even tempered and just goes on and on. Philby, this is a ghost of a great wizard appearing in your mind. Only you can hear me right now.

I know this, that if you continue with your bamboo saline and con artistry, I'll do that. Whatever. I don't care. Yeah, whatever you get you guys off my back. Sure cool. Around a bear piss for everyone. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not talk about lopsided financial arrangements just yet. Save the Patreon stuff for later. Richard Jenkins was played by Usudor the Blue, who was played by Mat Young. Does his vocal prowess ever end? Spoiler.

It does. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi. For those of you wondering if marriage might dull the blade of Adolf's razor wit? I think you have your answer. Phil Lee, the adorable little baker bear, was played by special guest Kevin Porter. Check out Kevin's wonderfully funny podcast, Good Christian Fond. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, a literal pariah in the podcast universe.

And we couldn't do it without the support of Patreon members like James Richie, Wessie, Danny Jenny, Dr. Matt, nothing more reassuring than a doctor who won't provide their last name. J. Sky O. C. Amanda McGregor, Alison M. Phanameer, forever the second choice of his father, Denna Floor, Georgia Hartamoji, Katie from Queensland, Azelia, Gemma Nicole, Benjamin, J. Kelly, Lizzie, Mike Vosta, and Pringle Fitzgerald, the most ticklish billionaire novelist of all.

Besides helping the show get made, the merits of which we can debate at a later time, Patreon supporters get two brand new bonus episodes every month, access to ad free versions of all the main feed episodes, and now almost all the former Stitcher spin-off series are on Patreon as well. We also just added all seven episodes of Hey Tavern Tavern, an advice show hosted by Chunt, Momo The Mouse, and Horneelius The Fintour, they're played by Adel, Aaron Keith, and John Patrick Cohen from Hey Riddle Riddle. To learn more about supporting the show and getting your ears all up in that extra content, head over to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekam, Matt Young and Edelre Fy, listed in order of how much they're actively trying to sabotage the show.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, this episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.