Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 26 - Demigoddess (w/ Danielle Kurtzleben)

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

A demigoddess stops by to recruit followers.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiDorisue: Matt YoungFooninoonia: Danielle KurtzlebenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth It's time to play the music, it's time to spritz the fern, it's time to say hello from the magic tavern. I'm your disgruntled tour guide, won't even share my name. I'm here to give this chaos the barest semblance of a frame. So why don't we get things started on the most sensational, usadational, chunterational, unearninational? This is what we call the magic tavern. I've done all I can. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of

Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neckamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven years, two months and one week ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar and the town of Nibblebottom in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-hosts.

He has, he wants to tell us what happens when a unicorn, a Pegasus, and a centaur walked into a bar. He's told me he's got a great joke. He gave me this piece of paper with that setup to set him up for this joke, which is... Alifino, Bingbong, everyone. I love it. Bingbong to all and to all of Bingbong.

Arnie, thank you so much. I feel like... I feel like the red that's set up properly. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Oh, okay. I'm just testing some new material. No, you didn't. No, you did. Oh, okay. I'm just testing some new material. I thought to maybe take my act on the road. And Arnie, I don't know if you know this.

I don't know if I told you, but I have a little song in my heart today. Oh, no, are you okay? No, because as I've told you, a song, S-O-O-N-G, is a little demon. So I do have a little demon in my heart. It's a demon in your heart. How did that, how did you contract that?

I think I ate some raw meat. Oh yeah. And so now I mean, of course, you probably know this from Earth stuff, which you are reticent to tell us about. But when you have a demon in your heart, that's how you get heart burns, because they do a little dance and they stab your heart with a little pitchfork that's on fire. And that's where we get heartburn. So maybe you're maybe getting heartworms.

Oh, possibly, one could only help. Because the worms in the demon will fight. What are the odds you survive this? I think pretty good. Okay, yeah, I'll take that. I went to see a witch doctor and they said, ooh, ee. Eee.

And there's more, there's a whole thing, there's a whole to-do. But eventually- I'm gonna see that further, but go on, please doubt. But then eventually they gave me this little lixer and I'm supposed to drop this into my eyeballs and then inject it into my heart every two hours and I should be fine.

Why does this little lixer say love potion number nine? Well, that's how you get a demon out is you make it fall in love with its reflection. So this liquid will simplify into a mirror inside my heart valve. The demon will see itself, it'll go to kiss itself, enter the mirror, therefore returning to its demon realm. Arnie, have you never been to the doctor? It's just that simple. I haven't. And I have not actually had a checkup really,

like a good checkup since I've been in food. So Lord knows what's going wrong with me at this point. Wait, wait, wait, Lord. Who's Lord? You've been going to a royal doctor? Arnie, no, no, no, they're gonna gouge you. They're gonna charge you an arm in a leg. No, no, no, no.

It's an expression for my world. You know, what does it mean? Zor St. Vincent knows, or something like that. Ooh, who says St. Vincent, they sound awesome. Oh, by the way, I'd love to get into that, John, but I have a little note card that I've been given to introduce my other co-host. I love this new system.

He is a magical being of unfathomable power. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I can't really read this. He's a magic guy. I am Dora Su, the sorcerer. Huh? Is that... Well, as a sorcerer, I'm just a bag of meat that learned how to do magic

with my big fat meaty fingers, so I don't have a bunch of cool titles. Dora Sue? Dora Sue? Something about you. It that sounds so familiar. Okay, in a grandma. Ony and Chunt. This is you, Satole. I'm speaking to you, I'm directly into your mind. Seven.

There's no one else listening right now. What I've done is I've taken the word Yusadol. Yeah, yeah. I am saying it backwards. Because I took the E off of the end. And I put it back on the end of Dorisou. Why did you do that part? Because everyone forgets about the E.

So I just wanted to point it out. Well, yes. It's me, Doris, who the sorcerer, just a big meat bag that learned magic. So, hey, old walking bag of meat. Can you describe for our listeners the outfit and color that you're wearing? Oh, sure. Since I'm not in Jelek in any way, I have to wear.

Who are you wearing? It looks like kind of a neon orange. This is Vera Fang. Ooh. It's kind of it looks like kind of a neon orange. This is Vera Fang. Oh, it's a beautiful evening robe pure sort of slate sort of I'd say a dark gray with some greenish. Oh, I might be going crazy. Sorry, what's I must be losing in my mind. I thought it was neon orange. Oh, yes, well here. I you must be looking at the other side. I want to turn profile this side slaked with the green this side is the orange Oh, nothing goes better together than gray and orange gray and orange and green. It's a classic combo for an idiot sorcerer It's just a dumb idiot who learned how to do magic

I've got to say the last magic user that we had as co-host on this podcast and he died and that he's not faking it So sad. So sad. Yes. He usually was just wearing the most bedraggle outfit you've ever seen covered in Bird's Shit. I'm wondering where you got this super fan, like really fancy robe. I mean, all he was an amazing being from beyond your understanding. But where I got this was, I went down to the local

tannery and I said, make me a suit of armor, made of leathers and metals. And I asked the armorer to work with the tanner and to create this beautiful thing. And they said, no, you don't have any money, you gave all your money to that baker. Oh my God. So it's helping you. Yeah. So I decided what I would do is I would peer into the NetherRealms beyond the mortal realm.

And I said, they're a thing, the great vampire fashion designer. Give me your greatest piece of fashion. And I shall wear on the podcast where everyone can see it. Use those exact words, give me your greatest piece of fashion. That's right. Salutations! Oh, wow! Dendons of the strange familiar behold. Oh!

Phenonia, powerful, resplendent, demigod,od is taken human form is gracing you with her luminous presence. You may grovel, you may pay tribute, you may show field to any way you like. I will allow modest eye contact only for today. Whoa! Arnie, look away! Arnie, look away! My eye, I close my eyes and it's still like I can still see through my eyelids. Mm-hmm, that's a thing. That's part of it. I guess I should look away too since I'm just a dumb pile of meat. Yeah, I looked away and I'm blinking and I see through my eyelids. Mm-hmm, that's a thing. That's part of it. I guess I should look away too

since I'm just a dumb pile of meat. Yeah, I looked away and I'm blinking and I see an afterimage. Is she so bright? Mm, gentlemen, let me guess you are. You must be Arnold, yes? Well, it's Arnie, but yes, I'm another Arnold. Arnold, Chantillius, yes, you?

Please, to see you. Yes, ma'am, whoa'll hold on just a second. Chantilius, is that your full name? Chantilius? We don't have time to get into it. I'm writing this down. That is how he is known among the gods. You can't fight with Demi Goddess.

That is how he's going to fight with the Demi Goddess. A.A.U. Challenge, what Chant's real name is? I'm sorry, Chantillyus. Thank you. Correct. Gentlemen, cut the crap. Where is Yusidor? My good demigodus, Yusidor is no longer among us for he has not risen per se,

but dissipated into wherever wizards go when they cease to be. Oh yes, I am afraid he has turned into a shaft of pure light. And ascended to a fesious. So hearty remember. And who is this well-dressed man then? Who are you speak up? I am Dorisu, the sorcerer, and bag of meat. Can I ask Dorisu and I am so sorry, goddess, I wanna talk a lot to you.

I'm sure you do, but by all means, ask Dorisu something. Dorisu is this, is Dorisu your only name? I feel like when you say your name, it feels like there's more to it and then it just kind of stops abruptly. Awning, it's been me this whole time. Yeah, okay, I know, it just seems weird, like you want to say more.

I'm giving you an opportunity. Arnie, we should not ignore a demigodist. Oh, that is right. Oh, don't worry, she's freaking the moonlight right now. Whoa! Oh, that's the stuff! That's the good stuff right there. You know what's strange, gentlemen?

As an all-knowing goddess, I feel you sedor's presence. Why do I not see him? It's an itch, a sense of feeling, a tingle in my dingo. Where is he? Well, you know, your dingo might be picking up, you know, we sometimes I feel like no one has ever truly gone and they live on in the memories and the stories that you tell or the way the grunt is you have for people even after they're dead. And Yusudor did so much good that his spirit lives on in us all and I think that's what's sort of dingo boosting your dingo so that must be what it is.

Let's stop talking about Yusudor and let's get to know you. I am not here to be interviewed. I am here with a request for you to and Yusidor's spirit wherever it may be, wherever you are talking about it being, I don't really understand, but we don't have time for that. Look, this might help. Before Yusidor turned into a shaft of light

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Chant and I are officially in charge of his estate. So if there's maybe like legal business with him after his death, Chant and I, you know, we still have his merch rights and all that stuff. So yeah, he gave us a power of attorney. Also, if there's one thing this podcast has, it's time we can drag something out forever.

Well, fantastic because gentlemen, I believe you may not be aware, but I am the demigodder of many things, out forever. Those are all of our favorite things. The patron goddess of this very podcast. That's us to a tee. No, sorry, I mean put that on a tee shirt. Mm-hmm. You'd think it would be you to a tee. I personally think the butthole jokes have fallen off in recent months.

I'm a little upset gentlemen, but furthermore, I have been checking the roles up on the mountain where the gods live. You all are not official accolades of Fununia. Oh great Fununia please forgive us. I beg of thee. I am just a dumb bag of meat with but a single butthole. Not an amazing wizard with two buttholes. So please forgive my lack of a fealty to thee that's some good grovelling there Arnie fuck did you hear Dora Sue really fucking pandering to the

Teppin on it she said that a butle talking immediately she Horned it in there like two or three times well she maybe she's right you know the butle stuff you know you know when a relationship lasts for like seven years you know maybe you're like you know that butle stuff really fell off after the first year of doing. Yeah. We need to like schedule it. Maybe we will bring it back.

Ain't this thing as possible. And if you've got a tingle in your dingle, then it's time to talk about a butthole. I'm so glad we have the merch rights. I've, gentlemen, I feel like you are really getting me. You're picking up what I put down. And so I'm here to ask you if you will join me, if you'll join the righteous path.

I want to put you through the Funonian baptism process. I want you to become Funians. Oh, but uh, Funians, I usually don't partake in those until after 8 p.m. at least when I'm high. Um, Arnie, I don't care for religion. I've never lived that much about the religions of this world, and you know, I mostly try to avoid the ones on my own world as well. Well, Fununia has all of the exact things that we're already into, so sorry, like, why not

just do it, you know, or kind of into it anyway? Sure. Absolutely. So why not become a phoenian? And that way, we ensure that we enter the realms of fesious when we die, and plus, you know, we're serving one of the goddesses, a grand children, one of the great demi goddesses, a phoen. It's a wonderful opportunity, I think. But oh but oh but oh.

I like this doorsoo guy more and more every time he talks. Keep it up, buddy. Thank you. Well, why don't we do this? Why don't we take a quick break and then we'll get ourselves set to get some religion? So, Fununia, can we get you anything to drink? Besides I know you already had a big draft of Moonlight. Should I open all the windows?

Absolutely, more Moonlight the better. I'll be right back, I'm gonna open all the windows. I just love this guy, where did you find him? I don't know, he just showed up, I'm gonna be honest with ya. Just sat down and will not leave. Just a fantastic bag of meat, my favorite kind. The kind that kisses my ass. Perfect.

That's the best meat. Now what do you want to know? Let's get this going. Okay, so I, I know, I guess I'm very sorry. And please forgive me. I'm a humble servant from another world. I've never heard of you before. I always thought that it was just fuh-uh-in-oon where the goddesses affund.

Well, yes, but you do know that they had children, correct? Oh, right. The 12 men and the 12 women that copulated and created a whole mess of us demigods, and that is where I fall in. So for example, you remember Bruce the Sky God? Yeah, Bruce. He's one of us, he's the worst, but he's a distant cousin of mine. Don't I can try to copulate with any human

who will have him? Always in animal form, it's really upsetting. He never succeeds either. Oh that's good. No, never succeeds. Comes down and uses the worst pickup lines. He's just an embarrassment, he makes us all look stupid as fuck. Can I ask, do you have any examples of these terrible pickup lines? Absolutely, just last week he walked into a tavern, walked up to a young fair maiden, and said to her, excuse me, did it hurt? And she said, what, what, what? He was like, did it hurt when you fell from the sky?

Which, what does that even mean? Yeah, it's confusing, because he's from the sky. Absolutely, it's all he knows. He's dumb as a box of rocks. And I am the demigodus of rocks, I would know. Now, I've never cared for Bruce, but I'd have to say that, uh, Wuzzle is even worse.

Uh, Wuzzle, ony, is the goddess of raspberries. And that's...it's just like, we're just being... being tried to something else. Just to fruit why specifically just raspberries? And that's in... It's Tunish. Tunish. She's lazy. On the other hand, that thing when you put the raspberries on your fingers and eat them off, that's pretty cool. She came up with that. Okay, I'm coming around. I'm coming around on Wasle.

Lunchabelia is pretty great. Ironically, the goddess of supper, not lunch. Who would have thought? Oh, interesting. Who's in charge of lunch then? Breakfastia? Da? Oh, obviously.

It all checks out, really. Do I need to explain everything? Well, can I ask Fununia, how do you get the things that you're the demigoddess of? Like, do you choose them yourself or does it happen some other way? You've just got to be a go-getter. We have a monthly meeting of all of the gods,

for example, when you brought podcasts to this world. At the meeting, they said, all right, who wants podcasts? And I raised my hand and stood up and yelled, I will take it! Also getting nuts, that's me too. Well, yeah, once getting nuts took off, I'm sure everyone was clamoring to become the goddess or god of podcasts.

I really leveled up that day. So, did I make more work for you? Is that a good thing, a bad thing? More work and more power. It's a double-edged sword, but Someone's got to do the work and Lord knows it's not Bruce or Wasil. Yes, you see, Olli, when you when you worship a goddess, What a god here. When you worship when I worship. It sounded like you said worship.

Worship three hits said you sink it. We've done this before. Every? Yes. Well, have we, uh, doorsew? Tell me, we've had this exact conversation before. I feel like we have. I feel like we have. And, well, uh, whenever you pay fealty to a god or a goddess,

when you worship them, uh, whenever you pay fealty to a god or a goddess, it lends to their power. The belief in them is what creates the power that allows them to oversee and pay back that love that you've given to them in the form of protection and boons and miracles. Exactly. So Arnold, are you ready to join my church? Well, it's Arnie. I'm interested, I'm gonna be honest with you,

not much of a joiner, and then I wouldn't take that personally, but I'm interested, you know, I consider myself spiritual, if not religious, so I'm interested in hearing more. Mm-hmm, all right, Chantilly is you. I mean, if I'm gonna dip my pause in religion at myaselb to All right, Chantilly is you. I mean, I-if I'm going to dip my paws in a religion, it might as well be to worship at the altar of buttholes.

This guy has the right idea. Dorasu, you can come along for the ride, you seem good. Oh, thank you. I'm very excited. Chantanarni, posthumously if you could please bring Yusadora along for the ride, that would be great. Please, it's Charni. I will keep that in mind.

First, step one for Funian baptism. I have this vat of holy water. I just need to sprinkle a little on your head. That's all. Come here. Wow, she's carrying a vat. I've never seen someone carry a vat before. Tanker, Scalens, Sher, but a vat?

A vat? Wow. And a vat. She's sort of operates under cartoon rules. She's just like pulled giant things at a nothing. She sort of operates under cartoon rules. Like she can just like pull giant things out of nothing. She's all that. Okay, let me stand under here hands here. Malady, okay, okay, right here.

Yeah, okay. There you go, there you go. Ah, right my eyes. I see, I can see, I can see the, it's blurry. That must be, that must be, it's working, it's tingling. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what that means Absolutely. Can I ask what's in this holy water? Oh Moonlight starlight a little bit of squirrel pee, you know the usual. How's that sourced? Hmm?

Don't love the moonlight part of that free range cage free. Oh, oh Stink this another bear piss situation. That was close. All right, put put some of that water in my eyes. Yes Yeah, come here. Come here. Come here. Yeah, there you go Get you some extra you need a lot. Yeah, oh boy. Yeah, you can really feel the squirrel pee in there now Arnie Do you know why it's called a BAPT eyes? No because it's brutal acidic piss towards your eyes. BAPT eyes. Okay I could use that information before I had that happen to me. It's pretty self-explanatory I mean only an idiot would not realize what that stood for. Spoken like a true follower. Alright next step you must each get an IUD.

Hmm, must be true. Johnny, you first. Oh, you know what, I won second last time. Why don't I go last this time? No, no, oh, Funini, I-O-U-D. So, I-O-U-Gone, and already you go first. Mm-hmm. Oh, I, what is it?

I'm so sorry to ask. I feel like we've, we've really, I wanted to learn more about this process and we've stepped full IUD into it and I, I just wanna know what I'm signing up for here with this IUD. Sure, IUD stands for Implanted Unicorn Device. What it is, is you get a little thing

implanted in your forehead. That's what it's called. It's a thing and It's a it's a death ray and what it does is that then it allows you to look upon any of your enemies and go Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, and smite them Also, you can roast a turkey in 15 seconds. All right. I could use a death ray. I love the pew pew pew part I love turkey. I will tell you it hurts like a bitch to get But once you have it you'll be happy you have it I'm just gonna use the pull-out method. Is that allowed in this religion? We just pull the turkey out of the oven instead of using the laser on yeah

I don't want to mess with unicorn magic, so I just want to pull the turkey directly out I know I know, I know, statistically, that my hands will probably get burnt. I know this, but I feel like I'd rather that than unicorn magic. Does that make sense? Sounds like you're a coward. And I was asking, I'm not saying this the way I'm going to go. I'm interested, maybe, the rhythm method. I could just use those lasers in a rhythmic way.

I'll maybe kind of beat saber it. And, you know, I've been alone here, so I'm beat savoring it for the most part anyway. You mean the pew pew pew's are a different what rhythm are you going to go for Arnie? A waltz, a samba, what you thinking? How the rhythm of the night maybe? It's a good rhythm. How long would you do that till? As is designated in the world.

You're just dead until the morning. Not morning? Yep. So the morning light. Thought I was setting you up, I guess I didn't. But I'm new here. If you're going to do that, you can start your own rhythm nation, I guess. But that is not how you join.

My church, I'm very sorry. I don't know what to tell you. Okay. Well sure, I'll take you in a corn thing, though. Alright, come here. Light out. Oh! Hold still and be over in a moment. Put your feet in the stir-ups.

Ooh, someone's horny. And done. Oh. How do you feel? I did really hurt. You were right. Take a couple of Advil, you'll be fine. That's all we can give you. Nothing else. What's an Advil?

Oh, I'm sorry, I said Anvil. It's a couple of tiny Anvils that we give you. Yeah, bonk, bonk. We bang you on the hands It feet with them and it makes you forget the other painting. Yeah, it's a temporary or headaches Mm-hmm. Um, Phoonini, can I ask you? Um, didn't have to hurt that much or you wanted to hurt that much for him? Honestly, I would have made it hurt more, but he's been he's been groveling so well that I I went easy on him. Oh, thank you Mm-hmm. Dorisu, you're the best.

Dorisu, can I ask? Did it hurt when you fell from the sky? Oh, awning. I see what you did there. Are you trying to join Bruce's church? He's too lazy to even have one. But go, go ahead. Join a lesser god.

I'm just trying it out. I've used similar pickup lines. You know, once I was an oyster and I said, aw, shucks, is your dad a thief? And they said, why? And I said, because he's in jail. I also, one time, I also, that's pretty good. I like that one. I was also once a skunk. And I said, I went up to this beautiful troll who was wearing these leather pants. And I said, is that a mirror in your pants? And the Joel said, why? And I said, because a demon just stepped out of them run.

I once went up to another bag of meat. And I said to her, I said, do you have Prince Albert in a can? And she said, why yes, I do. And I said, kinky. Ooh. Oh, oh, and yes, I do. And I said, kinky. Ooh. Oh, oh, and also Arnie I was, I once went up to, there's a guy who was like a warlock, and he was at the, he was sitting on the stool at the bar,

and he ejaculated almost a full wig. And I went up to him and I said, I said, ooh la la, do you come here often? Hmm. Ha ha. So. Is that something? The year.

Arnie, look me in the eyes. Arnie, look me in the eyes. Was that something? Wait, is that anything? We need something. Oh, here's the thing. Arnie, please. My dangle is tingling.

I don't know about you. So almost a full wig. So are we talking about like, is it like half in, half out? Arnie, you're focusing on the wrong part. Do you come hair often? Is the point? Okay, I've changed my mind. I want the pew pew pew power. I want it right now Yes

All right, here we go. I will make this hurt even more you're working for it There you go Oh! Oh! Yeah! Oh, damn! There you go. Trent, I didn't realize you and Anni had a, I had a poor man to name. I think TMZ is gonna have a heyday with that. Oh, you know. You journey?

Yeah, you know that meddling zebra. Oh, TMZ, oh yeah. He's, he's so weird. He always has a cup of coffee. I think it's coffee. Yeah. Love bouncing ideas. Oh, Chelsea.

Yeah, I did it. Funenia, what's bouncing ideas. Oh, sure. Round yes. Funenia, what are you talking about? Do you call me? Do you want an IUD or not? You're going to do the pullout method. You feel fine with that? My, my, my debit got us. If you prefer I get an IUD, I will get one.

And I will get it in the A-ness. Now who's sucking up? I don't really know what that's going do for you, but look. All right, let's try put it IUD in my but hole here we go That's a long for someone to say that so put it back to the right. Oh, oh, it's like another turn Still I'm sorry. I'm squirming. I'm squirming. Oh, I feel it in my throat Sorry, sorry I'm squirming I'm squirming oh I feel it in my throat There how's that good whoo? Ah, yeah, oh, yeah, well, Fununia is dealing with the chunt. I just want to tell you know. It's really me

You should oh yeah, I know I know also use it all right Why don't we really glad the chump went last with that one? Let's just reposition it a little here and how's that feel? Is that good? It feels amazing. Keep, keep turning it. Okay, now you're just being a pervert. I'm your little rotisserie boy. Can I ask who's, who's the deity that's in charge of perverts? Brenda? Brenda. Okay.

Brenda. Oh, I know Brenda. I'm sure you do. I'm sure. I've kissed her feet, she's kissed mine, we've done other stuff. It's cool. That's cool. You and 50 million other people. You know what I like about Brenda though. Hmm. She doesn't judge. No.

She's like, hey, you've got your thing. Go nuts. She's a great lady. Everyone up there loves her. All right, next step. We have one more step gentlemen. Oh, yes. You must make a diorama of your summer vacation. Oh shit. Oh damn it. I already have eight. Which one do I use? No I think you have to make a new one. What? And waste the other eight? Well I guess they were just practice. Consider them sketches for your grandmaster piece. Well I have to start my diorama. I need a little bit of time, so why don't we take a quick break while I begin assembling it? Arnie, look at my diorama! Look at me! The chunster with my diorama! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh hair often.

Arnie, Arnie, yeah. Slut. What is it, Chantelius? What did you get for Diarrom? Can I look off your paper? No, Chant, we're supposed to be making a little display. It's not, oh, it's not a written test. What are you even doing? Can I just spend over and spread my three essles?

No, don't. That's a little display. That's a little display. Yes, look, that's between you and your demo goddess. Right, don't bring me into it. Fine. Dorisou, your diorama is beautiful. What are you doing with the little dried macaroni there?

Well, the dried macaroni's represent the time I met a pony. Did you put a feather in your cup? I did put a feather in my cap and well I called it a macaroni, which is ironic because this pony's made out of macaroni. But we took a field trip, that's not ironic, that makes sense. Me and my friends and we all went to see the pony, and then the nice man at the farm, he said, we could pet the pony, and then I petted the pony,

and the pony made a noise, and I got scared. But he said, don't be afraid, the pony's very nice. If anything, as a coincidence, it's not ironic. It's poetic. Oh, yes, yes, mill lady. Mill lady, if I may show you what I made, I whipped up an ash tray, and inside is my little paw made into a turkey with construction paper.

Hmm. Oh, isn't it ironic? It's not ironic. Just a bit. So, how does that represent your summer vacation, Chantelius? My dad smoked a turkey. This is what we got us is called we saw us and it is weak sauce what the farnie you can do better than that let's hear it

okay so here's mine it depicts a recent villains night that happened here in the tavern and it's someone riding in the bathroom some graffiti that's really not very nice about someone not about about me, that says that they poop out of their mouth, while doing a handstand, and they poop onto their hands. And then there's a little, this little person over here is the person that the graffiti is about, and they're like crying, but you can also tell they're shaking their head and no, like, I don't do that.

Why does the graffiti say that I do that? Oh, a little too ironic. Don't you think? It's not ironic. I really do think that one is actually ironic. And actually, in the bathroom, I think it's poetic. That's absolutely right. Arnold, I am moved. Oh, thank you.

We don't have to help, Dewey. I'm not going to take beer and pizza from a demigod. If you move, don't look at me. I totally understood that one. Alright, well, that is all three steps. Some of them more lazily completed than others, but congratulations you have completed the steps to become a funya. Now go, thou. Be the but holes you want to see in the world. Lazily created, I had to use a kiln to make my hair straight. Oh, that wasn't an ash tray from the strange familiar? Ah, fine it was.

But I'm- But I'm kiln it. Eh? Ah, very good. Unacceptable. Brenda wouldn't get it. Well, now the world funions, I do want to examine this- this religious question that-

that Trunters brought up could Agatus create a moving day so terrible that they couldn't complete it without help from their friends? Wow. That is fascinating. I do believe so. It's called the fifth floor walk up with a futon. Oh, yeah. Wow, I never even thought that's that's almost unimaginable.

With a scenario like that, this is a time where I miss Yusador because Arnie, I don't know if you remember this, but who? Yusador, our friend, our boon companion, one time I moved and he turned himself magically into you, Holdoar. And he, I mean, in 30 seconds, I was moved in. And when I say moved in, I mean boxes unpack. Like they're moving on their own. My broomstick got chopped up into many broomsticks, and then there's like 100 broomsticks, and they are all sweeping the floor.

Then they started carrying water. I don't know why. I don't know why. I just miss them so much. He's just so efficient. It hurts to remember him. Watch yourself. Gentlemen, I can make that hurt go away.

Now you are a part of the church. All you need to do is pray to me at 3.20 a.m. every morning. 3.20 a.m.? It's a 20. Unde-Dot. If I want to be a funion, I want to pray at 4.20. That's when a funion stays deep.

I'll allow it. Thank you, my lady. It's a delicious religion we have. So how do these prayers work? Like, how do we pray? Well, you get down on your knees and you can either sing a hymn to Funonia, or you can just, you find the smallest insect on your floor.

You pick it up. You whisper your deepest embarrassments and humiliations to it, and then you set it free Perfect, that was doing that anyway Flunini, can I ask say I get up at 4.20 a.m. and I get out of my knees and I you know, I say to you Are you there Flunini? It's me chant if you don't answer is that part for the course or should I just be sort of Waiting for a dialogue with you. I think it means you got your period. What? The IUD should stop that.

I use the cup. So you're saying in the middle of the night, I should unburden my deepest darkest secrets. Just put them out there to a being that can't communicate back to me. Essentially just barfing out a lot of content. You really are the patron saint of podcasts. It's cheaper than therapy.

True. Arnie speaking of podcasts, what are we gonna do with these death rays? Do you think we can make comedy with them? I think I'll pupe you, not bang bang. Okay, okay. You can do whatever you like with them. Just one rule, you may never use them on another funions. Okay, you may not turn them on each other. You gentlemen

Oh, wait a second. We're all funions. This takes most of the fun out of it nerds Funini can I ask you through a lot of us which is wonderful and magnificent, but I have a bad memory is there some sort of book maybe like a, just like a good book that we can reference whenever we have any questions about this religion? Yes, there are scrolls down at the bottom of the nearest river to you. Any river you can go to it, dig to the bottom,

paw through the silt, and there you will find a scroll that lists a really great recipe for lasagna, but also all of the dictates of Fununia and all of the many miracles that I have committed. Oh wait, I've heard of this. I must know some Fununians because there's down at the babbling brook there's a book buried underneath it is called the Babel, and I know that I think a few friends of mine have read it and it turned them crazy. Should we live our lives according to The Babel? It contradicts itself quite a bit,

but you know, pick the stuff you want. I heard it was written by a king. It was written by all sorts of people, all of them, though. Okay. That sucks. You're telling me. That wasn't going where I thought it was. I thought you were afraid of that monster, The Babel Brook?

Oh, I scared of that bitch. If it's in a scroll and in a Brooke, it's not much of a monster fall, you have to do to get rid of it as close your eyes. Something something, Bobblebrook. Yeah. Arnie gets it. Phonine, yeah.

Thank you so much for converting us. May we hear in our humble tavern that used to our owns, or did own, I mean now our Charney owns it. This is now a Charney ownership. Well, we have power of attorney and we control his estate and he is gone no longer with us. Sorry, sorry, door sue.

Uh, Phunini, is there something we can put up in terms of some sort of, uh, altar or statue or just something to sort of pay homage to you? To me. Um, well, you can all get tattoos of a sort of alter or statue or just something to sort of pay homage to you? To me. Um, well you can all get tattoos of a bird or a rock or a mitten's pitch or of a butthole, really, but a tattoo in a prominent place to show the world that you are unafraid, unabashed in your faith. Phew, I'm glad those ores aren't ants. Arnie, let's get matching tattoos. What do you want to get to rock?

Probably a rock. Let's get rocks. I don't know. I'm worried about that. Like, what if we change our mind later? And it'll just be so hard to get our rocks off? Oh, that's right. That's the worst of trying to get your rocks off.

And it just won't get off. Oh, Fununia, I am so grateful to be part of this wonderful church and now be able to worship and take fellowship with those other followers of Funonia. Please, other sites are three of us. There must be thousands, you know, millions of followers. Where do we go to commune with them? That's about a dozen, give or take. A dozen?

A dozen? A dozen. A dozen. A dozen. Yes, what you need to do is go from tavern to tavern and just ask everyone. Hey, let me see all your tattoos. You got a butthole tattooed on you and see what they say and then you will find my followers. Okay, hey, can you use us for one second? Absolutely. Doris, you chantillias. Yes, Arnold. This demigodis is asking us to go from Tavern to Tavern asking people to show us their butthole tattoos. Are we sure this isn't fucking Brenda? Well, I do have some knowledge and some communication

with Brenda in the past, and she is quite the trickster. I mean, she is a pervert, so in order to sort of get her giggles in, she will pull all sorts of pranks, but this just doesn't seem like, I don't know, I can't doubt. Okay. Usually by now, Brenda has dropped the act, but, but, but, I don't know. Oh, she's right in the middle of a, Hello. Well, a Foonun if you if you don't mind Since you are the demigodis of of podcasts would you mind?

Helping us answer some of these podcast emails. Absolutely. You have your own followers. You are a sort of God in your own right Oh, well, I mean not as great as me. I'm sure speaking of demigodises Funinia, do you know Arnie you've told us about the earth demigodus demimor? Funinia, do you know this goddess from earth? I know a few good men from earth, but I don't really know her. I'm very sorry to say she sounds fantastic. Oh, sounds like you can't handle. Well, Arnie, I have an email here.

This is from you can always email me at chuntatgmail.com, chump with six teas. This is from Safron. It says, don't let Arnold hear this. Chump, this message is for you and you, you said, or well, he's dead. I believe Arnie is secretly arranging that any friend you make is killed

so that he may remain your bestie. Think about it. Next time you're developing a bond with a new person, I implore you to ask UC to cast the spell of protection over that friend and pay attention to Arnie's expression when that friend does not mysteriously die. A procession of your friends and lovers have suddenly passed after developing feelings for you. That's fucking sus. Arty, are you sus? No, that's sus. I'm not sus.

What is this? Arty, sus? I'm totally not sus. I'm- What is this thing? Arty, that's sus? I'm totally not sus. I'm the opposite of sus, I'm sus. I shouldn't have given you an IUD. It's ironic when you think about it. Not exactly upset, it's poetic. Arty, you would not kill my friends or lovers, would you?

No, not on purpose. And look, yes, now that I have the ability to just accidentally say some words and laser shoot out of my forehead, the risk is a little bit higher, but I would never do it on purpose or intentionally, and I probably won't do it at all. You don't have a secret list of 50 ways

to kill my lovers, do you? No, get off my bag, Jack. All right, take a bus, Gus. I'm not sus. I trust you, please. Stop, anything to make you stop, I trust you. Although, yes, Gus. I'm not sus. I trust you. Please stop. Anything to make you stop, I trust you. Although, yes, I do have a list of people that's okay to kill in the basement, but we worked on that list together.

That's right, Charney. You need a new plan, Stan. Charney forever. Are you having any emails? Yeah, you can email me at Magic Tavern, a puppy that supplies. You can also join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern and message us there. Here's a message. Happy 7th anniversary Magic Tavern gang. Am I the only one wondering if Pimbley Nimble Bottom is from anywhere near Nimble bottom?

Thanks Tim. I mean, there are two totally different words. Oh but have you guys met Pimbley nibble bottom? No I remember Pim Pim Pim Pimbley nibble bottom from Hawks face. He's one of Brenda's favorites that whole thing where he poops coins. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah I could see that. I could see that. Major pervives. Yeah could I got us make a purve even purveer than her? I mean, he's a whole religious riddle. Brenda's a super freak man. Well, I don't think there's any connection. In fact, I think whoever named the town

of Nibblebottom might have been shocked or remember that the name Nibblebottom existed at all. Yeah, that's very possible. All the more reason to have Bimbley on soon. Really makes you think. Yeah, we'll have to look into whether he's alive or not, but if he is, let's have him back on. Sounds good. Here's another message we've got. Pretty ironic if he was still alive. That would not be ironic. Here's another message I received. You guys make some great stuff. Hey, when you throw your names oh must be to the wrong email. Check what email they sent that to I think there's a typo. Well they said some. Hey when you throw your names together you get Arnie

Chant Yusador or a Choo pronounced at Choo bless you. Something to keep in mind Jack Merenzi PS don't die TMC's gonna be hey day with this so that could just be a fun new thing that we do we're like hey Oh, sorry, that's too. I think I just shot a laser out of my head when I said that Well except the problem is now with me here Finish it up my first week it be a chud But then we're at least not ripping off Mel Brooks. A chud is also how you summon Brenda.

Mmm, I've got to laugh. Brenda loves chuds. So, Funerun, you thank you so much for coming by. I guess I'm excited to have a new religion. How strict of an adherent do I need to be? You just need to watch for miracles, watch for signs and wonders and then tell the world of the power of Fununia. Alright, done. AEI-O and also with you.

Fununia. Close enough. Arnie, let's go spread the good word. Yeah. Butthole, butthole, but oh but oh Ironic no no You're so fucking lucky. I can't pew pew you you guys are the best. Oh you are Thanks for keeping us going for seven years Here's to seven more

Seven more years of this Why why would you curse us to what first now we have to do it? Everyone is mad! Everyone is mad! Please no food, who did this? It hurts more than last time! Oh, I'm fine. This is just day one for me. Remember, if enough people gain a controlling share of the Patreon and vote to end the podcast, we can skip doing this for another 7 years and all get our weekends back. This is a plea for mercy.

Dorisu the Sorcerer was played by Usador the Blue who was played by Matt Young, three distinct personas. That explains why each aspect was 33% entertaining. Trump the talking badger was played by Adolfo. Fononia the Demogodis was played by special guest, Danielle Kurtz Laban. Danielle is a politics correspondent for NPR. The real NPR.

This is the biggest NPR development since Glen Weldon devoted an entire pop culture happy hour to his arm routine. Danielle is also a regular and sometimes host on the NPR Politics Podcast. Follow her on Twitter at tatanka or subscribe to her substack at denielkurtslavin.substac.com. Hello from the Magic Taven is an independent production, made possible by supporters with human names like Matthew Allsop love his fables. Michael Short, Cash Wilson, great Scott, I'll be the judge of that Scott Brad B. Lacey Cobb, Karine, who adds let's see if you pronounce it right to which I say if I didn't change the way you say it to what I just did. Samira R. Holly Hilton, love your hotels, just kidding, I'm Hampton Inn, Ride or Die,

Cheryl J. in Tom Water, Steph Oliver, Mara J. Dez, and Barnaby in Cornelius, with the note our dogs are avid listeners. We've finally found an audience with the right attention span. Besides helping the show get made, there are good things associated with your support. Patreon subscribers get two new bonus episodes every month. The most recent bonus episode is a behind-the-scenes chat with Kevin Siretta, who plays dripfang. Here's a clip. Do you remember, by any chance, Kevin, what your other pitches were? Like, did you send Arnie three pitches or bounce a pitch?

Yes, I did. I sent three characters. One was, because it was right after the dark Lord took over. Right, yeah. So it's this new reality for everybody where everybody's kind of under the tyranny of the dark Lord. And the character, so I was like,

I'll do one, like a minion and evil, you know, I love bananas and I'll serve Dracula in the prequel. But the, I'll do one evil person and then do one that's straight up just like a resistance fighter. And then another one that's just a time lord. So I sent one that was a badger.

It was, I can't remember the name, it had some like, it's a splotty, mickrumble berry or something like that. And he was like a badger who did demolitions. And the whole thing was gonna be like nice. Yeah, I'm here to fight the Dark Lord and blow stuff up. And I was just gonna be like real like chip on my shoulder. All our Wesley Snipes and demolition, man. It's gonna have blonde hair.

Yeah. And I was gonna have, uh, Taco Bell was gonna be the gourmet meal of, uh, Yes. Of the future. This dystopian world. To answer your question, yes, we've already normalized the audio.

Kevin's voice is immune to all forms of dampening. Scientists categorize this type of voice as a self-loathing tenor. To learn more about supporting the show and getting all that extra content crammed into your poor ears, go to patreon.com-magic-tavon. Hello from the Magic Tavron is produced by Arne Neckamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffyre, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavron logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.