Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 29 - Deputy Administrator (w/ Joe Zieja)

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

Gouda Smish stops by to talk about doing administrative work in the Nibblebottom government and having secret plans.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiDorisue: Matt YoungGouda Smish: Joe ZiejaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of the following podcast is not real, and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, what about if I get to the end of this fake podcast and don't have anything else to listen to? First of all, take comfort in the fact that very few people actually make it through the whole thing. We could be giving away state secrets during the last 20 and America would be fine. But, if you are looking for a similar listening experience to a podcast, consider one of these options, listening to the machine at the supermarket that crushes plastic bottles and soda cans.

Playing three different audio books at once, occasionally pausing to read the name of a sponsor. Or find a nearby zoo and listen to three coyotes fighting over the last scrap of grizzle. For 45 minutes. I mean, throw Brooks Brothers shirts on those coyotes and you've got Potsayva America ANYWAY! Now that you have your game plan, let's take it back to the source. Sit back and enjoy the show. Oh god, we're back!

We're back, everybody! Ooh, what a trip to Hogs face, that was kind of fun. Yes, I had a wonderful time visiting our old friends. I mean, I mean my new friends, because I'd never been there before, because I am Dora's shoe. That's right. He's not a usador. I'm not usador.

Usador's dead. Sorry, sorry to bring that up repeatedly. Arnie. I want to ask dead and buried Well, you know, I guess not buried because we should get our story straight Did we what do we do with you source body or does it just kind of disintegrate? Did it do something? I forget will his body turned into a shaft of light and shot into the sky That's what it was. Yes. Yes. Yes. yes, yes, yes. But we probably should bury something. Like some valuable thing of his will bury it somewhere that we'll never be able to find again.

Yeah. Bury his cat. We used to have had a cat. Several of them, I believe. Oh, huh. It's been a while. We should check in on those cats. Hold on Arnie, I had a cat.

Remember that? Siance, but, you know, good news. Siance was already dead. It was an undead cat, right? Oh, that's right. I think when we came to this town, I think I buried Siance, because I forgot he's dead.

Oh, no. No. All right, I'll be right back. Okay. Well, while he goes, I know this is probably, we shouldn't start with just two people, but let's go ahead and start the podcast, okay? You can do it.

Or do. Okay. Doris too. No, don't worry about that. Yes, Door, door, door. Okay. Door, door, door. And then don't worry about that. Yes, it's fine to start. Alright, let's see if I can respect myself up to the tail.

Alright. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fume. I'm your host, Arne and E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. I love this day. Good, just a second.

Oh my god, I had two seconds ago. Ah! Seven years, two months, and four weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Neville bottom in the magical land of food and I'm joined as well

As recently by my co-host Dorisu the sorcerer. I am Dorisu the sorcerer I am just a stupid human who had to learn magic like a big dumb bag of meat a human who had to learn magic, like a big dumb bag of meat. Uh, Dorsu, I can't, I can't believe I'm gonna say this. Have you considered having additional names to just Dorsu? Like to tease out your introduction just a little bit, like just one. Onnie, onnie, it's me, Yusudor. Yeah, it's been me the whole time. I called you Yusudor like half a minute ago.

This is my clever disguise, and if I have multiple names, everyone will know it's me. Well, guys, bad news. Sayance is alive. Oh, that's bad? Wait, no, what did I say? Good news, sayance is dead. Oh, you know what I mean. Hey, yeah, undead though, still undead, or?

Yes. And is sayance gonna be around? Yeah, I think I'll just be floating around. I see, I see Sam's now floating around. He's floating up to the ceiling. That's a new power for Sam, as far as I can tell. Oh, it was an audio power? They never mind, he's just running around.

Oh wait, then what is that floating cat? Oh, that's floating cat. Oh, floating cat? Yeah. You've never met floating cat? I have no. A lot of local businesses will kind of paint the side of him to advertise. So he's just kind of, you know, just the floating advertisement. If you don't paint him, though, he just looks like he just has like multiple colors on him and little stars shooting off the back. Yeah, and a lot of sporting events

they'll hire floating cat to kind of float around the stadium. Kids love them. It's fun. It's fun. Artisan. Shooting a fun. Do we have a guest today? We do.

I'm very excited. We have someone, a representative from the local government of nibble bottom, the secretary in the City Council office, I believe. This is Gouda Smish. Yeah, yes, it's, yes, hello. Mm. Hi, hi, Gouda, welcome to the podcast. Did I say your name correctly?

Sure, yes, Gouda is, it's a family, yes. It's a family. Oh, it's a family name. I mean, I suppose it is a family. There's, yes. Sorry if I sound a family name. I mean, I suppose it is a family. There's Yes, sorry if I sound crazy aren't all names family names. I mean, I suppose if if your name was like It's for you to then know unless there were other just not as it's running around Which they may or may not be I'm not sure yeah, but once you like if I had a kid and named it sure on wouldn't

Immediately that be a family name because it's my kid. Yeah, I suppose if you're a welcoming fatherly sort, you know, not everyone's as lucky, but let's not go there. Oh, no. You know, the more we say it, the more the name's growing on Sean. Yeah, it's gonna be the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the Under, I want to say, what letter will be?

I'm not sure if it's alphabetical or if it's like an exclamation point to be the beginning. Ooh, oh, start with the next name. Oh, that's, I love that. I love that for you. So you can just put it at the back of the book under the pots, where all the names

that begin with punctuation marks on. Right, that's when I usually go in book name books. But, you know, we live in a fantasy fantasy world so there's probably like a lot of names to start with a postrophys It's probably like a book. Yeah, very very popular postrophysic punctuation names asterisk if you know Yeah, if it's just if you want to put anything in there. I once got in a fight with a guy named one two three How does the fight like that start well? You hit the four. I'm sorry. He hit the four Okay, oh, that's oh, it's a joke. You've made it, you've made it funny. Well, no, I actually did beat him up.

Oh. Oh. Chant. It's not terribly humorous, okay? What happened? He was mocking me. He was like, look, I'm a shapeshifter too. And he would like, you know, like heat squashes neck down real low, where he'd like tuck his fingers back into his palm and make him, you know, he's just kind of trying to act like a shapeshifter and I didn't enjoy it.

And then he kicked me in the face, so I shoved him in. He tripped over at jukebox. So you shifted his shape in the end, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yes. That is good. That is quite good. So good.

I would be, I'd love to learn a little bit more about what you do here in Nipple Bottom. So you're a secretary in the local government? Well, I mean, it's more of a deputarial role, which I'm not sure as a word, I may have just made it up. But yes, I take care of the administrative facilities, associated with the Sheriff's Office of People Bottom, so that the sheriff can go about his sheriffing business in a way that's free from minutiae, if you will. I see. You're sort of taking the burden off of the sheriff, so the sheriff may rise and become as powerful

and as effective as they can be. It seems a lofty description for what I've seen in the sheriff, but yes, if you want to put it that way, yes. Oh, so you don't have much faith in the sheriff? Um, I would say that my employment requires me to falsify my answer to that question. Ah, yes, I see, I see, I see. Well, we shan't bother you then. Describe your employer in negative terms, but but good. What are the tasks that you take on to take this burden away from this sheriff? Well, as you know, Nibblebotham is boring. Yes, yes, I've noticed that.

There's so little explosions here. It's not nothing, he's really on fire. There's nothing really, you know, there's the occasional mugging. So the sheriff isn't a busy man. So there really isn't a whole lot of administrative paperwork for me to accomplish. Should we set something on fire? I mean that would help morale around the office for sure. You know, so many people just spending their time filing paperwork and doing you know skills assessments on things like you know buttoning swords to their

belts and making sure that you know they pass a safety standards. It's a real shit show. It's good to feel useful is what I'll say. And can I just say good, uh, you, I mean, you seem like such a bookish guy. You're so, I don't know if this is the right word. You're so festitious. Um, do you, and you're just always adjusting your bow tie and playing with your ledgers there. Can you kind of for our audience just kind of describe what you look like? Just because I just find you to be it's just very interesting look Well, you know being eight foot one has its advantages and disadvantages You know coming in at you know 480 pounds and you know my biceps have other biceps on top of them

And yet somehow you still have an aura of like you know Meekness. Yeah. Yeah, wafee. It's wafee has been described, especially when I, you know, my shoulders are so broad, I can't fit through doors. It's just, how can I ask? Because we just came in.

How did you get into the tap? And how did you get into the strange familiar? Because I don't see a giant hole in the wall or anything. Did they take off their roof and lower you in? It's strange, but it is familiar. I've been in here several times in my day And it's it's a rhythm to it. You know, it's left shoulder right ear right shoulder right hip left hip left leg right leg Angles are last and it's just sort of like a duck and weave Manoeuvre not unlike a dance, really. Very impressive.

Yeah. Well, you know what I think it might be? Your spectacles. Right, the glasses. It's always about the glasses, isn't it? So what it gives you this meek vibe? Because you're good at I want you to know. If you were to take off those glasses,

I would find you quite intimidating. I shall endeavor to not remove them. I would be able to ruin any, you know, Thank you. Machismo vibes. Good, I get it. I'm a big tall guy myself. Not as tall as you. Oh, don't sell yourself short and no pun intended, but it's, you know, you're fine.

No, I look, I am. I'm just saying I'm not a feat tall, but you know, sometimes I get that feeling like I try to make myself smaller or less imposing like I go to the movie theater or a play. Like you would know it as a play, and I sit down and I feel like people feel bad that they can't see over my head. So I become meek even though I'm really a big,

tough strong guy probably. Oh, honey, what are you, like, uh, five foot eight? I am six foot four, although I'm old. I'm old. Who are slightly shorter than me are very invested in saying that I'm six foot five. Hmm. That seems like an odd choice of passions. Yeah, I don't know.

People who are right around five foot eleven or five foot 10 or like no way man. You're six five because I'm five 11. Huh, quite the anecdote. Guda, I have to say I don't know many people over eight feet tall. Can I ask you a question? If it's about my race, then no. No, no, it's not that.

All right, go on. Up, up. You want upies, it's what you're telling me. You want to ride on the old, the old shoulders. Upies. I mean, it's a very adorable little badger. It'd be fun maybe to have him up on your shoulder. Be kind of cute.

Upies. I just don't tell anyone. Up you go. Weeeeee! Yeah, very good. That's adorable. Arianna Million Vita! Wee!

Really more like 8 foot 7 at this point, but sure, a million. That looks so fun. I'm so fucking jealous right now. Wee! Olli, we can't. We can't ask to go up there. I want to. I know I couldn't. But you guys go ahead. I'll go ahead, go ahead. I'm so sorry. I have a follow-up question, Gouda.

Um, a piece. Is this really how this is going to go? Is this how you, is this, what did you call this? Podcast? Yeah, it's just like a conversation. This is, oh, I should say ethically. This is being recorded. Right now, it seems a little bit like an amusement park.

Right. I'm the amusement, but yeah, fine. Up, hot. Wow. Hurry get off me. Hurry get off me. Oh, sorry. I forgot to exchange you. Yeah, off me, hurry get off me. Oh, sorry. I don't want to exchange you. It's down here.

Yeah, let me us slide down. Woo! Ow! Oh, sorry. I had my claws out, sorry about that. Oh, you tracked him. What should I set on fire? Oh, thanks, good.

I should get down. I can tell from here that Doris is thinking about setting something on fire. If you're up there too long, you'll become hypoxic. It's really. Oh yeah, I'm already getting lightheaded. Yeah, just come on. Oh shit! Ah! Floating catch just went right into Arnie's head. Oh, you hate to see that.

Well, we're gonna clean up Arnie and uh, good. We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back and... Oh boy, I do wanna ask about your back story. Is that okay? Uh, you know, I'm a busy man with, again, lots of administrative paperwork. So, you keep it short. I can't... I can't... I can't... Well, I can't promise that, but we will...

We'll be back as soon as possible. Here we go. The library. Library We see the library is made of books and books were burned very quickly Doris, what's going on? Why don't you want to burn something? Oh, I just wanted to help out our guests I thought if there was a fire maybe there'd be some excitement and perhaps You know that way assist good out here. You know one thing that might help, you know, nibble bottom is at the foot of the unnamable mountain and recently someone named it Slobodan and well, see, you feel that earthquake every time someone says the name, like, there's a little bit of a natural disaster around

time. I don't think it likes that name. I don't think so either. That mountain's got some bad chaotic magic going on. Well, the problem with being in the sheriff's office is you can't, you can't arrest a mountain. So it doesn't, you know, if it's not, if it's causing, I suppose you could, you know, arrest the person running, going around yelling, slow-bid-on, whatever, you know, arrest the person running, going around yelling, slow, but on, whatever, you know. Oh, that's it. Oh, yeah, I've just slapped the cops on on myself, oh yeah.

Oh my God, I said, can I, I'm sorry, I'm tearing up a little bit. Can I just say good, I know we don't know each other very well, but you can't arrest a mountain. Is one of the most profound sentences I've ever heard. It almost sounds like a song lyric or like a one-line poem. And I don't know why, but I'm just getting really emotional. It's actually, it's very funny.

So the name of my memoirs is, you can't arrest a mountain. Wow, a young guy like you already has memoirs? Right, I mean, you know, looks can be deceiving. I've lived for seven or eight years. Well, I would have thought longer, but still would have thought that you look young. I appreciate that. Arnie, we should tell you,

can you meet me at the table, Arnie? Sure, sure. Just duck your head on her, just duck me over there. Yeah, okay. Hey, quick though, the blood's gone to my head. You look so stupid. Hey, we forgot to tell you in food, if someone is over seven foot,

one regular year to us is like 10 years for them. So time moves a little bit differently after you're above seven foot. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, it's like a tall years. Tall years, that's what we call them. Oh, okay. Well, there's tall years, there's one new year,

there's just dog years. Well, there's good years, there's bad years. We don't have time to get into it, but just sure. Is that why everyone keeps telling me that I look a lot older than I am? Yeah, okay, okay sure sure sure now good. I noticed when I After I had upies and I kind of slid down your leg with my claws

I noticed that my claws didn't necessarily find purchase because underneath your sort of dorky Outfit it seems like you have chainmail or there's something going on underneath there. I you know, I'm trying a new Body scrub. Oh, and it's you know, it's got a lot of iron in it It prevents anemia, so that's probably you use anemia essence. I do too Oh, it makes me like orgasm in the shower. Everything makes you orgasm in the shower. That's an uncomfortable image. Now, I wanted to get back to your memoirs here for a second, Gouda. A young man like yourself. You've written up your accomplishments already.

That's quite impressive. Do you have a particular accomplishment or a story from your memoirs that you think really stands out? Something you're really proud of. Yeah, well, it's interesting that you should ask, you know, it's quite a long, long time ago now, so it's difficult to sometimes remember, I do keep good records. That's a good technique, of course, though, that's all. Of course. Quite in top ship shape.

It was, it was this one small, let's say, presentation I did for the sheriff on city sanitation practices. Again, long time ago, must have been, I don't know, last Thursday. And it really just sort of shined. I was proud because I could make it with words, you can make garbage sparkle, right? Hmm, hmm. It really implemented a plan, or proposed a plan, which was never really implemented by this. That's fine. About how to organize the city's sanitation efforts

and, you know, clean up this town, in, you know, a way that's not a cliche, when let's clean up this town. I'll go share of it. Clean it up let's clean up this town. I'll share a Literally, literally literally clean up the town. It's disgusting. You've seen it. I mean, there's a fair amount of shit everywhere I don't like to say it, but yeah, yeah, it's it's Experimentally large. That's pretty gross big shit Yes, and there's so many tumbleweeds and handstandweeds. And when you get tumbleweeds and they turn into shitweeds.

Oh, yeah, because they pick up that shit while they're tumblein' in the process. It's all sticky. Unpleasant. Unpleasant to those tumbleweeds when they become covered in excrement. They get exponentially more excremental. Oh, they're just spreading pink eyes.

They tumble down the street. It's just really horrible. Well, then why was your plan never implemented? Yeah. Well, you know, I like to chalk it up to, let's say, a general lack of competence everywhere. But, you know, I don't like to judge. So you would say, perhaps, if I was going to paraphrase that that you're surrounded by fools? Fucking morons.

Is the words I would use, yes, but uh, yeah. Guda, you're like my fucking twin, man. Just big guy, surrounded by fools. Surrounded by total idiots. Yeah, dumb dumbs. Now Guda, I have to ask, uh, based on this revelation, have you ever tried to implement one of these plans and the plan didn't work out and then out of frustration perhaps you flung your fist forward, back on your wrist and then said, CURSE IS.

Are you asking if I've punched anyone? Is that the flicking maneuver? No, no, more of a like a towards the sky towards the goddesses Oh, right, you were sort of like cursing the heavens, you know? Yes, yes. I find that to be very dramatic. You're not at all in line with, you know, my own personal idioms. Sure, sure. I'll also say you're so fucking tall if you curse the heavens and shake your fist up there, you might hit one of them.

Yes, I'm not very popular with roofers in this city. Ever, because the heavens wants and all of a sudden they're shingled this and tiles that and it's very upset. So is it just the incompetence around you or I hate to pry, but does the sheriff really appreciate you? Or do you love to pry? I do, I'm sorry. May I pry?

Does the sheriff appreciate you? Dish. I think if you were to ask the sheriff what my name was Hmm, he probably just burp. It's terrible. Yeah, it's a job Well, but you should be appreciated in your job and someone should say to you Guda you have done a fine and excellent job of filling out these forms today We thank thee. Could you write that on a piece of paper? Sure, sure, sure, sure.

I haven't, of course I carry many around, so he didn't want to just put that right in there. Okay. And then... In May I ask him, I'm so sorry, I'm not up on local politics as much as I should. What is the sheriff's name? Who are we addressing this to? Ah, well, he just goes by knit. Knit. Yes, I suppose, back, you know, the original point of this call. It's a family name. Wait, this isn't Mr. Witt you're talking about, is it? No, no, no, no. Knit.

Did you injure yourself? Did I hitchhitting in the ceiling? Ah, I did it all the time. Anytime someone wants up he's a lot of time. I've damaged a lot of your drums. Just, I mean, it's not knit. It's not knit, wit. Well, I mean it is, but I don't think it's not knit, it's not knit wet. Well, I mean it is, but I don't think you should call them that to his face. Oh, fair. Arnie, how dare you! Duh. Here is my letter.

Oh. Dear Sheriff Knit, I suggest that you recognize your employee, Gouda, who is doing such an excellent job of filling out your forms and taking burdens away from you. I say that this Gouda-Smish is one of the finest employees ever employed by the Sheriff's Office of Nibble Bottom signed Dora-Su, the sorcerer, a big fat meatbag who isn't a wizard. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. I shall cherish this forever.

Thank you very much. Oh my gosh, he's crying. I didn't mean to make you cry, but I'm glad I've moved you to an emotional state. Oh, don't be mistaken, it's actually rain. There's a climate change that happens all the way up here. And I did shake my fist earlier, and that yes, it's a whole... Oh, yeah, it's just a whole, yeah.

Goona, can I ask, is there anything we can do to help you be more effective in your job? Where? Always going to want you to a song. I don't really sing. I find singing to be a waste of time as is most art, but you know, there's I want to spend the time definitely. I prefer to spend it getting organized Yeah, I just want to apologize. I just never in my life. I've ever met someone who went well And then didn't launch into a song. So this is just new for me. So I mean to be fair. You just did it Oh, yeah, so now I'm part of the jungle. Did you want to sing a song? Yes chunk. Sing us your song. Well I'm trying to

figure out something with you can't arrest a mountain but it's not done yet so when it's ready I will sing it. I look forward to that day. What was the question? I've completely forgotten. Is there something we can do to help you help you out? Well first of all if you see a giant rolling tumbleweed full of shit, it put it somewhere where it's not going to continue rolling. I generally, first of all, I don't leave the tavern that often, but if I see a shit-covered tumbleweed, I kind of stay away from it if I can't. See, and that's the problem right there.

Everyone wants to stay away from the problems that are right in their face. And instead they go wandering off in mountains and trails and hunting whatever legendary problem there is and they just, you know, it's just... Be the change that you want to see. Exactly. Exactly. That shitty tumbleweed, as I have done. See my fast collection, he ordered my robe.

Oh my god, that's what that smell had been. That's what I am talking about. Also, coincidentally, grab that shitty tumbleweed is the sequel to the memoir. Oh, it's kind of like, who moved my cheese? Sorry, that's a book I'm working on about business. It doesn't matter. Does cheese generally move?

Well, one time, I maybe failed to mention this. I'm a shapeshifter, and one time I was a mouse, and I put some cheese down, and I walked away for just a minute, and when I came back, somebody had moved my cheese down and I walked away for just a minute and when I came back Somebody had moved my cheese and I screamed at the top of my lungs I said who moved my fucking cheese and nobody would own up to it that would be so cute a little mouse going Not while he said he said it to move my fucking cheese did your editor say love it one note Can we take the fucking out of the title? Yes, that was his one note

But then after that I was like I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. So this I love it, one note. Can we take the fucking out of the title? Yes, that was his one note. But then after that, I was like, I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. So this business book is about if somebody disrespects you or moves your shit, you take your business elsewhere. It's more of a pamphlet than a book. Well, I don't feel like I need to read it now.

I think I got the gist of it. I feel like it's a great summary in that. And we're like, I keep doing this. My publisher told me not to give away, not to give away the milk, because people won't buy the cow or fuck the cow or what I forget the analogy.

Anyway. You've got a strange relationship with dairy. I guess I do. Speaking of strange relationships, you said you didn't want to talk about your dad. Why? What the fuck? What, you do, what, you say, how you normally run things?

You just, someone says, I don't want to talk about that. The next question is about that very subject. Is that how it goes? Yeah, generally, I think that's what we do here. Is we confront that which you fear to confront. We listen to the thing you don't want to talk about. Then we distract you and lure you in with long stories about cheese. And then we'd really dive into that subject.

My dad, he was only 7'8", okay? That's all, I don't want to talk about it anymore. He was only 7'8 and I've never lived it down. We understand, we understand. Such shame brought to the family. Right, yeah, it's just... I don't like it. I don't like him. I don't like what the shame he brought to the family.

It looks like it's raining more. Perhaps we should take a quick break while it rains directly on your face. It's a thunderstorm. So, Guda, you know what? One of these days, I'm gonna walk out of this tavern. I'm gonna go find Nitt, and I'm gonna say, Nitt, you gotta appreciate Guda a little better. And I'll, I can maybe share with him some of your great ideas

for nibble bottom. There's, it's very appreciated. I understand, it's, thank you. It's what I'm trying to say, but it would be sort of shit if it was just me, you know, like I have all these great ideas. I know how to clean up this town, and I've told him. And, and just because it comes from some, you know, like I have all these great ideas. I know how to clean up this town, and I've told him, and it just because it comes from some, you know, white guy who's normal-sized, suddenly it's the right thing. Is that really, it's like it's just has to come from some normies brain and all of a sudden it's brilliant, he's gonna do it.

Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, yeah, you want to do it yourself. I'm sorry, I don't want to solve your problems for you. I just say, I appreciate your help, you want to do it yourself. I'm sorry. I don't want to solve your problems for you I'm just saying I appreciate you help and I don't need it. Yes. Well, we certainly are suggesting that but we are curious to know More about some of the other ideas that perhaps you've had to improve the town of Nippon-Mottel Well, you know, there's a long list You've got the you know cleaning up the town of sanitation the tumbleweed shits, the mass executions, the writing of the postal system. There is the grocery store restocking ideas, and then, you know, uh... Bro, you know, I'm so sorry. It seems like you've got a long list. If we don't mind going back a little bit, a few steps earlier, I'd love to hear more about this grocery store. Oh, I have my head raised

After that, you know someone sent you to the grocery store and they give you a list and then it's like they just disappear from the Fucking universe you they're trying to find you know I Of of nidhog and and you can't find it anywhere And there's nobody in this store to tell you where it is and you can't Well, they have, you know, they have I of Nid pig. Is that good enough? But now you got to go all the way back home. We're gonna talk. So, you know, just sort of coming up with a interdimensional messaging system, the grocery lists So that you never have to make multiple trips to the store. I think that could be funded by city coffers Oh, that's that's a very good idea. That would be very helpful. I had one thing that sort of stuck in my crawl though from that list.

You mentioned mass executions? I did, I. Yeah, yes. Oh, no, no, no. You were thinking of massaccusions. Massaccusions, if you're not familiar with your massaccus is um is that like Ella Q-shin? Uh, I suppose if you say it nicely enough Massacutions Arnie, isn't that where you said Boston-S? Yeah, more or less. I mean I couldn't spell it

I apologize. I thought you said mass executions that I thought would be Dostantly huge I mean who would if just hypothetically if you were to do that And we don't even know who would be on the list and how much you take Who so almost like a grocery list for mass executions, huh? Well, I don't know that I would approve of such a list Well, I don't know that I would approve of such a list, but I suppose if you were making it, I suppose Sheriff Knit would be on top of the list. I mean, okay. It's, let's not say you approve a disapproved list, let's say hypothetically.

You were surrounded by people who not only didn't appreciate you, but didn't contribute to the society at a home, mostly a boil on the back of existence, who had no real sense of duty on a country, city, nibble bottom, whatever it was. Hi, pathetically. I don't know anyone like that. Arnie, get out of here fast. Why? What is the door, Sue? Just get out of here.

You have to run. Fast? Do I have to wait? I have to run? my history of Thune, you know, I'm glad I didn't hear it. I'm on my way. I'm sorry about this. I'm on my way up. Where's he going? We sent him to the grocery store for some nitpicks.

You see what I'm saying? Could have solved this problem. Could have saved him a trip. If somebody would just open their ears, take the wax out, put it in a bowl, put it in the side, and listen. Well, you put it in a bowl, and you put it in the side. There it is! That was the whole song. There it is, yay!

Now I suppose if you were looking to sort of thin the herds of society, it sounds... Let me dip the nib of my pen here. Okay, go on. Well, thin the herds, are you proposing that he makes cows lose weight? Really, this goes quite an unhealthy obsession with dairy and dairy-producing animals. Are you trying to get me to write the list of people that you want to execute? Why, that doesn't make any sense at all. You hardly know anyone.

I shan't be thy scapegoat. Oh, no this. I shall not create a list of people who then you blame me for their deaths. I think that all life is beautiful. I think that every little flower, all the way up to the unnameable mountain, it clearly must be alive to respond to the name it hates so. All things are beautiful and deserved to live.

I'll give you a name, 1, 2, 3. Oh yeah, 1, 2, 3. He seemed like kind of a dick. No, I'm sorry. No, there's three names. So number them, 1, 2, 3. Okay, so, sorry. Oh, sorry.

Are we on a list? Is this number one? On the list, is this number one, 2 and 3? Yeah, I'm going to give you three. We'll start with number one is this number one's two and three yeah I'm gonna give you three we'll start with number one okay right number one person you should put on the mass execution list is look in the mirror damn number two love yourself number three I hope you dance who named these fucking people this is what I'm talking about. You know, people get on my case with being named Gouda.

And you've got people's names love yourself? That's a verb. Well, no, I'm trying... Sorry, that was kind of confusing because we were just talking about weird names. But, no, what I'm trying to say is, look in the mirror, love yourself. I hope you dance. You want me to murder the idea of loving myself? Oh shit, I guess it does come from my life, that's it.

This seems very backwards. I think perhaps you're taking it a bit too literally. I think what Shunt is trying to say is, Gouda, we want you to love yourself. Look at the mirror and say, I love Gouda. It doesn't matter how tall my father was or wasn't. I'm going to dance, like no one's watching. Are you making fun of the wayer can you spell that yes? Of course it's just like you so door backwards, but not really oh I see D.O.R. Good. I S U E

I'm back. Sorry. I tried to run away, but there's so much shit outside the door Also, there's a pervert out there murdering the idea of loving himself. Oh, this, I guess, this plan is another useless one. Is it someone's already done it? Everything I do turns to tumbleweed shit. He just got upset and his muscles strained in his entire shirt flew off. Just from him flexing. Wow. It happens all the time. My tail is very well employed. Now he's just a ripped 8'1' guy a bow tie and honestly I'm here for it.

So good, you know, we had this little thing where we thought you said something suspicious in your list but I think that was a misunderstanding, you know, but do you have another list of additional things you want to do for the town of Nibblebottom? Well, I mean, you know, Nibblebottom is it's been around for a long time. There's lots to do with this sort of record keeping this, this buildings and buildings full of very important documents, you know, how to kill the Dark Lord, how to make a fine pudding, and it's just time to set those on fire. So I think that's going to happen within the next few...

Um, quick, quick question. Ah, before you... Sash those... Billings on fire. You said that there's a book about how to kill the Dark Lord. I'm not really interested because obviously the Dark Lord is already dead. But just curious... Where that book might be?

Well, you know, if... It knit over there had... had... had... had acquiesced to my demands for organizational capacity, there might be some sort of system of numerals that I could give you to go look it up, but do we do that? No, we don't do that. Well, I think we should do that. And I would, I would be- Do we? We- we don't, we don't! I mean, I- I would decimate anyone who, uh, disagrees. If you were to decimate

who would that be, like, everyone at once, I think let me get my pen. I- I was speaking- I was speaking more metaphorically, again, uh... Oh, so not- like, you're not talking about people, you're saying, like, do we decimate, like, or this metaphor or decimate them all Decimate all if you decimate all of them isn't that what's the is that sentiment? I suppose you're right Sentiment is if you kill a hundred people Well then desimates only ten

10 percent right? It's sentages. Yes exactly Look the most important thing about this podcast is getting the math right. Agree. And we've not done that at all. Well, I would like to say that I would just like to find this book. I just give it a glance. You know, look at it. Probably a laugh.

You know, whoo, that's not what happened. But I guess these are also ways she could have killed the Dark Lord So you know if you see that book, you know, maybe just let me know where it is It's actually a series of graphic novels. It's quite cumbersome difficult to find they really jump the shark and like the eighth Volume sure everyone got resurrected very odd. Well, that's fine. I I enjoy a good graphic novel from time to time. That's how One of my favorite adaptations of my favorite play a Tomaton Constable. There's a graphic novel version of it that's very enjoyable I really aren't a graphic novel. Do you want to hear some of it? Arnie? Did you ever read the graphic novel? I wrote you I would love to hear some of your graphic novel

I would just really give us the audio book version of your graphic novel, please. The man walked through the door without opening it. He ruined the door making a big old hole. As he walked in, he saw her on the bed. His torrid members started to sweat profusely. He wiped the blood from his brow onto the wall. He started doing push-ups and got so fucking horny. One pushup, horny, two pushup, horny, three pushup. That was enough. Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a, wait a minute, a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a, a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait How did you get a copy of- I knew as soon as the guy couldn't get through the door? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is so out of control he's got some screws loose. The stuff he does in this book I assumed it was fiction this is real. Well it depends on where you are you are you pass like chapter 7 because chapter 7 after that that's the most plans for the future not really memoir style but what's what's sort of plans. I uh nothing give the book here. It's not... Publish it. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, winners, right? These are just brain droppings. I mean, isn't life just a collection of brain droppings? What about this one that just says revenge? Oh yeah, it's an acoustic. Revenge, it's written downwards and it says each letter stands for something. Right.

It's an acoustic. It is, it's really, every time, verily, every knit gets eliminated. Oh, every time. Oh no. Oh wait, I spilled lemon juice on it. There's another Acrystic. Run, evil, vicious, and then it just kind of blurs. I don't think it... Look, sometimes I just write downwards.

You know, it doesn't have to all be in a cross-dick Good I'm gonna ask you this one time or you evil. I mean What was evil? What does it mean? You know this one? This is two sides of the same coin Classic evil response shit. He dodged the question and you promised only ask once you and I are the same Shit, he dodged the question and you promised only ask once. You and I are the same. Oh, the classic you and I are the same. I knew it.

Damn. We're not so different. Just different ways of achieving the same objective. Reach across the aisle. You're gonna love chapter 8. Ooh, quick turn to chapter 8. It's not in there, yeah. I'm just saying. When it's written, it's gonna be in there.

It's gonna be great. Speaking of chapter 8, Gouda, I think you're morally bankrupt. And I would prefer if you take your ledgers and your memoirs, and your memoir to never come in here again. Well, you know what? If you better watch your tone, if you fancy this roof, because I've got some fish shaking to do with your cursing, your name, How did you get the book? Well, he's very small, and he can turn into anything, so he gets about size again, isn't it?

It's always about size. Look, Olli, maybe we should just read an email. Oh, okay, sure. Let's see here, listeners, as always, you can email us at magictavernupuppies.supplies. It's really email address, or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magictavern. And you can message us there as well. Here's a message. It's a short one. No name attached to it. Would you ever permanently live in fune? And

they add an e at the end of fune. I don't have much of a fucking choice, do I? Yeah, what else are we gonna do? Is that a dress to you, Audi? I guess so. I'm from another world. I'm sorry, Gud, I didn't mention that. I'm pretty special, I'm from another world. I am trapped here.

Would I consider living here forever? Probably not. Although, you know, I got a chip in my head and during my dreams, I have a whole life on Earth. And it seems, you know, I got a chip in my head and during my dreams I have a whole life on earth and it seems you know I don't remember all of it but it seems pretty good. I don't know I'm thinking about it. DuraSoo, Gentilius, can I ask are we sure they're referring to our food? It's food with an E. Arning it's funny you say that. We know that there are parallel foods.

Oh yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, there might be different versions of us walking around right now. Answering this same email right now, but with slightly, with characters, slightly as cute. Yes, and the great, and the great multivose that exists beyond what we know, all possibilities exist. Yeah, like maybe, maybe the Chantanis other in this Funi, maybe he's like a big utter, like a big old other,

just like a military utter? No, no, no, no, no, just like, well, yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe. Have you considered seeking professional help for this? No, that's none of your business. Is it just because his name is Gouda? What? Oh, I never thought that.

Did you just get obsessed with Derry because our guest's name today is similar to that of a cheese? Huh, interesting. I mean, I guess that's probably part of it. And he came in here as a tall drink of water and you said, hmmm, I'm gonna have some of that gouda. Well, actually, I don't know if I had a coin for every time that happened. Yeah, and I guess he basically say, I ate one, because he is 8'1 and that made me hungry, so, uh, I guess I can kind of trace

back the path to, yeah, I guess that is where the obsession lies. Chant, you're highly suggestible. I guess so. Please, nobody send me ads. Well, Gudet's been good getting to know you, but I must warn you. I am one of those who fights for the side of light and righteousness, and I now must add you to my list, different than yours, nay not a list of mass executions, but a list of evil doers, who one day, I shall defeat? Oh, so a big guy over here writes down a list of people he wants to kill, and that's real bad, isn't it?

It's the worst thing you've ever heard in your life. And over there, you've got a pen and a paper, and you're saying, this guy's evil, so I'm gonna run him on a list, and one day I'm gonna, you know, smite him with some shit. What a double standard! Oh shit, he's got your number. Well, that's different because they're

They're evil and the goddesses, you know told me to come here and then and smite them. Oh Oh, so some so some lady in the sky told you to do and it's fine Right, but oh voices in your head telling you to kill people. That's totally different. Oh, there are voices in your head Wait, hold on. I was gonna say yeah, Doris. Are you're doing it for a religious reason. Doesn't necessarily make it right, but You got voices in your head, Kudah. Sorry, why couldn't he? Look at that. You were so worried beforehand, but after all is said and done, that wasn't so entertaining now was it. And now credits. Also known as, who did that to me?

Dorisu the Sorcerer was played by Yuzuru the Blue, who was played by Matt Young, who was... FINE. Shant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfaia. Good a smish was played by special guest Jo Zeeja. Follow him on Twitter at Jo Zeeja. Oh, no extra numbers or letters you got in there early, Joe. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by lots of Patreon supporters.

Oh, you don't think I know their names? Well, I can tell you we've got supporters like Adam Fader. Patrick from Lincoln Square, Chicago. Patrick, next time just own it and give us your street address. This doesn't help us. What are we supposed to look for you by the fountain? Chase Harrison. Rory Burns. Straight Shooter Emily Arrow. Marcos P. Baron Stout, whose catchphrase as he appears on his balcony and addresses the villagers, is Happy Aula, is every Aula. Jordan Time. B.D. Porter.

Cassandra. Ocasandra.andra should listen to you at least about climate change. Aaron White, May Highless, Baker of Banana Bread, I like your moxie, May, and Leif Everly, Viking Escort. Patreon supporters get ad-free episodes, including the entire back catalog of previous seasons, and all of the Stitcher Premium Spin-offs. Yes, all of the spin-offs are now on the Patreon feed, from offices and bosses to I am spin-tax to Masters of Mayhem. In that list, I count at least two options without Kevin Sorreta. On top of that, Patreon

supporters get two completely new bonus episodes each month to learn more about supporting the show and the various perks that will accompany or hell a generous philanthropy skills. Go to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young in Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.