Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 31 - Arnie and Usidore

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Chunt is off somewhere. Now what?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampDorisue: Matt YoungWizla: Jess McKennaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You don't delete it, you listen to it, and then you delete it, and we won't lock up your computer and demand ransom. Rather, we'll temporarily distract your computer and then beg for like 1% of a standard ransom. And that's called a Patreon. Then afterwards your computer won't be broken, but your ability to imagine careful layered storytelling will be. All in all, not a bad deal.

However, if you're looking for something with a little more efficiency and narrative thrust, maybe just go ahead and download a virus. But if you're still on board, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arneanie Camp, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven years, three months and one week ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the Unnameball Mountain in the magical land of fun. And I'm joined, um...

That was lovely. Oh, thank you. That was really nice. I don't think I've ever heard you get through your introduction without being interrupted or undermined or sure or made fun of. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that because I think there's nothing router than interrupting someone when they're doing their bit.

You know, when they're doing their spio and they're saying their thing that's important to them. And I am going to say important to others as well. Hmm. Well, uh, obviously I am Dora-su, a big fat meaty bag of sorcerer crap. Uh, yes, you are my co-host Dora-su and this is a kind of weird. Ch-chun's not here this is a kind of weird. Chunk, chunk's not here this week. What?

I thought he was that candle. Do you thought this candle on the table was chunk? That's why I mentioned that because I thought how the candle didn't interrupt or undermine Arnie in any way. It's going on. What's wrong with chunk? That's just, and nothing you mentioned it.

Over the last hour, as we were getting ready for the episode, you're having a lot of strange interactions with that candle. Yes. Oh, yes. I was asking it about it Stating life and asking it about eggy baby and just like just what are you what's going on with the candle? I like it's an opportunity to connect with my friend and it felt like he was really giving me the cold shoulder So I thought fuck him Look, Chun got that lead on eggy baby. so he handed off on all the he asked us if it would be alright if he took just a little bit of time off. That's right, I forgot, I forgot!

And I assumed that Chunk had transformed himself through his shaped shifting abilities into that very candle right there. Candle, I apologize to thee. I spoke to you of issues that you care not about and only issues that would have affected Shunt. How is Thinewick? How is your waxy body holding up? And how do you feel? Oh, okay. Woah, oh, good. Oh, it's here.

Hey, so that's not Shunt, but that's not just a candle. I mean, I don't think you should assume that and say something is just a candle. Are you a candle, sir? Yeah, just a candle. Ah, see? See, Ani, you shouldn't assume things. Well, it was wonderful talking to you, and my apology is for speaking to you about things that, oh, or not within your field of purview. Blown out.

I think that was the end of him. Oh God. He's, huh. Okay. Well, I honored his last wishes. For a second, I was worried it was a sex thing, but no, it was just that candle wishing for death, I guess. I don't know.

I suppose we could find out later. Uh, but right now, I'd rather know about you, honey. Uh, it's been some time since you and I have had the opportunity to, uh, to speak one-on-one, even though, uh, even though I knew here to the tavern, relatively... Yeah, he's new. He's Dorsu the... Sorcerer? Sure.

Dorsu the Sorcerer in no way related to you, Sador, the wizard who sadly died. We all know that. Ony. Yeah? How long do I have to pretend to be Dorsu? That's a good question. I know that we basically mostly just speak freely here in the tavern about stuff that's supposed to be a secret, but... Why don't we... Yeah.

Chunch not here, let's... Let's get out of the tavern, let's go for a walk, and maybe we can talk a little bit more freely about... What's going on with you? I want to ask that exact same question. How long do you have to be Dorsu? Oh, I didn't even think about that. Wait, are we going to take turns? Like at some point I have to be Dorisu? Not a terrible idea.

Not a terrible idea, that's true. Alright, here we go. Mike. Okay. Hey everybody, where is going for a walk? Nothing suspicious about us leaving the tavern. Yes, concern yourselves not with this. We shall be back forth with an effronth shall return

in our absence. Tell him that we died. That will confuse him. That's true. He'll be like again. Right. Have you died? I've died a couple times, I think. Yeah, I was pretty close to death. Like did it count when I got stabbed with that obsidian sword? Oh, yes, you are on death's door. You certainly transferred to different bodies. Which I suppose is quasi religious to some people But I think you're you seem fine to me. Oh

It is nice out today. Tis, we should go outside more often. Ah, certainly. By that, the town of nibble bottom is one of the most wondrous and beautiful places in all of Foon, a quaint in its delightful hamlet charm. Oh, there's the tanning. There's the beaker. And there is the town square with children laughing in plain as the sun begins to set and their mothers call them back home for dinner. Oh, and hey, whizla! Oh, hey whizla! Hi guys, you've got to wish for me. Oh, hi Mark. You know, we've only been here a little while, but I really have grown a lot of affection for Neville bottom. Oh yes.

I mean, of course, it's hard not to think back to those salad days of living in Hogs face. Or before that, when I spent some time in Skur, or the many years that I lived in the, you know, in the Northeastia, or the years before that, when I was in the Great Halls of Tarakas. You know, you used to remember, you never really talked that much about what you had going on before I met you in Hogsface. I guess I assumed you were just mostly always in Hogsface,

but I guess that can't be true. Oh no, I only settled down in Hogsface a few years before you arrived. I mean, maybe 15 years, 20 years? Very brief time indeed. But why? Why did you settle down in Hogsface? I sensed that some great magical convergence was about to take place there.

I certainly sometime within the next 10 to 30 years. And then a portal opened, and a man from another world appeared, and I was justified in my decision. How often are your predictions of things? How long do they have it like a 10 to 15-year window of when they might happen? I mean, I usually hedge my bets and say, if this doesn't happen in 50 years, I'm just moving on. Where were you right before Hogsface? I spent a long time in Skur. My favorite Skur buzzards, buzz buzz. What was your life like in Skur?

It's so weird, it's like running into your teacher at the mall, like you used to know, what was your life like? That was a big potion period for me. Oh. It's really into potions and figuring out different potions, trying different potions. That included some salves and some paltices as well, of course. Yeah.

To sort of like mixing things together, sort of putting them together. Got a set spellcraft aside a little bit and thought, what if I just focused on the elements around me and if I could put them together into different formats so that I could then control everything? Oh, I see. So you were boring then too. Oh, well, I don't know if that's fair. Exactly. I certainly had long term plans. Like defeating the Dark Lord was always still important to me.

Mm-hmm. Okay, how about this reverse chronological order? Before Skur. Where were you before Skur? Well, I was living in Northeastia at the time. And at that time, King Beloroth's father, King Sebastian Beloroth. Oh, so you mean Albane Beloroth's father,

not Tom Blaine Beloroth's father? Yes, exactly. That reminds me. Albane Bellaroths father, not Tom Blaine Bellaroths father. Yes, exactly. That reminds me. Albane's alive. Like, yeah. We forgot to follow up on that. Oh, yeah. I would have Sebastian's alive.

No. No, that's why I had to leave. Never mind. OK, well, hey, if you're kind of inferring what I think you're inferring, don't bring that up with Tom Blaine. And the next time we see him. No, no, no, no, certainly not. It's weird.

Almost anyone we meet could be Albein Valorov in disguise. That's very true. I mean, I haven't seen him in many years. Of course he is. The family always bears a strong resemblance to one another. Yeah. Very pronounced, striking ears and noses that you can't miss. Very handsome.

I'm not suggesting they are too large for their face. Why someone say, stetch-usk. OK, you said, or you're obsessed with these vague details about this family's faces. I get it. Well, I'm just saying that you know, Sebastian died under mysterious circumstances, and I was blamed, but there was no proof, so they just asked me to leave. Hmm. What were you doing in Northeastern at the time? Oh, I was working for the King and Queen at the time and trying to help them device plans to defeat the Dark Lord.

We're rather trying to convince them. I wasn't really working for them so much as I was often outside the courts, you know, saying, please, listen to my cries within the next 50 years. I think something's going to happen. So you were pretty much doing the same crap there as well. It seems like you can just kind of go to different places, rant about the same stuff, and then eventually you are forced

to move on because either they think you killed somebody or you blow up the whole town. Oh, yeah. I guess that's right. Well, we're talking a lot about me, Arnold. What? What about yourself? Uh, I know that you had a full life in Chicago before you were appeared here in Foon. Uh, I suppose, um, what do I know?

What do you know about me? You got a creative writing degree? Mm-hmm. A master's, a fine arts. And creative writing degree? Mm-hmm. A master's, a fine arts. And creative writing. Master's a fine arts. So what a wonderful title. Now, what I've always wanted is,

why don't you say that every time you introduce yourself? Oh, like my title every time? Yeah, sure, why not? If I'm being totally honest with you, I worry people would interrupt me. I understand. It happens very often on our show. Yeah, follow me up these steps here. I am sensing some powerful magical energies coming

from the mountain. And I say, I say, it's been lovely walking around the town with you, but why don't we take a short hike? But the side of the mountain and see what we discover, because I strongly believe that within the next few decades, something terrible is going to happen at this mountain. Within the next few decades? Oh yeah, gotta be ready. Yeah, let's walk out of the town a little bit.

Like I love nibble bottom, but we just walked past the Cooper's store or whatever, and it is kind of depressing to me because the Cooper died, you know, I wasn't able to stop it so. Yeah, that was a tragedy. Did you have a figure out, are you the Cooper now? Oh, geez, I hope not,

because I haven't been doing anything since the Cooper died. Look, I loved helping out the Cooper, even though I still not 100% sure what Cooper's do. There's just so much drama in the world of cooping. Really? Yeah, I mean King Cooper got mad at the Cooper for losing all of his stuff. And then he sent a Cooper after him. A Cooper, but no worse than that, like a Cooper, a young version of himself that was sent into the future to kill him with a

blunderbuss or something like that. Terrified. You know, a Cooper. Yes, yes, of course, obviously. Uh, well, here, take my hand, it's no questions, no further questions. No. Take your hand, okay. Yes, here.

I'll help you up this, uh up this craggy bit here. There's a path in front of us here that shall take us part way up the mountain before we have to do any more actual climbing. Wait, actual climbing? Well, I'm not certain, but if we head then that direction it will eventually become steep. Okay, why don't we do this?

Why don't we take a quick break? And I'll catch my breath after stepping over that crag and When we come back we're gonna climb up into the unnamed mountain and find its secrets So then before Chicago, I was in Arizona and I watched a lot of TV there. Ah, yes TV again. Before Arizona, I was actually in Chicago and I watched a lot of TV that time in Chicago too. And before that, I was in Arizona.

Ah, a lot of TV. That was a high TV watching period. Before that, I was suddenly... A holiday Sunday, Ohio, yeah. Yes, here's the thing. Now, it sounds to me like you move from town to town, and then for a number of years, you watch a lot of TV until somebody's murdered

or the town blows up or something. Except for someone being murdered or the town... Look, I've got to say, I've only been in one town that I had to leave because the whole town got blown up. And that's Hogsface. Oh, oh, that was your fault. Not in America. No, no, not in America Earth.

Okay, well, uh... Well, I mean, it's arguably my fault. It's arguably one of my greatest feats. But I get it. Point, take, and I go from place to place and I do the same crap over and over again. And yes, if there was television in Foon, I would have fucking watched a lot of TV in Hogsface

and a lot of TV in Northeastia and a lot of TV in Nibblebottom. Uh, well, I mean, on one hand, I am being somewhat critical. And I apologize for that because breaking bad sounds quite intriguing. It's good, and I just, I heard that it's a spin-off, and like, how could the spin-off be good, but I bet it is somehow.

I don't know, I don't know. It's such a, the bar is so high. Can I tell it, can I confess something to you, Yusidor? Yes, please. You know in my room, at the strange familiar nibble bottom, I drew a TV on the wall. And sometimes, after I go up to bed, I just sit in front of it for a couple hours and just stare at it.

Oh! It's very relaxing. That's, well that's good. Does anything happen? No. I think this is probably just a magic to make something happen. Well, I mean, sometimes I like try to imagine there's a show, but then I end up like, first I imagine like,

an interface to pick what show I'm gonna watch, because I don't wanna just like, it would be exhausting to imagine channel surfing. So I just kind of like imagine like scrolling through being like, what do I want to imagine? Do I want to imagine a comedy? Do I want to imagine a drama? And eventually I'm like, oh, this is hilarious.

I have just spent an hour entertaining myself trying to pick something from the menu. Well, that's rather commendable. It sounds as if you are allowing yourself to relax on a floating stream. Yeah. You sort- when you go to bed, what do you do in your room? I drink seven deadly poisons. What? I drink seven deadly poisons, and then I drink the seven antidotes, but I always mix up the

order so that I don't know what I'm getting when to just to see what happens. And then, you know, sometimes I have a little snack, like a piece of banana bread or something. And then I am sad about me and my nana, after I have banana bread or something. And then I am sad about me and my Nana, after I got banana bread. And then usually I cast a spell that cleans the house or room that I'm staying in at the time. And the broom comes to life and it sweeps along the floor and cleans the floor and the bucket sort of bounces along

and some birds come in and they take the ribbons and they help take off my robes and then I lay my head down upon the pillow and I dream, I dream. Although those sweet times passed, with my best friends in the entire world, Arnold, Shawn, Genleavia, and then Profules, and all the wonderful times we've had together. Yeah, that's hard to me. That reminds me, you said, why do you drink all those poisons? Like, you can't die. Like, well, but I just want to know what's going to happen.

Sure. So I just want to feel the sensation of going through that process, because I will not die, but I can feel pain. Sure, that's true. Has it been weird for you pretending to be dead? Oh. Well, I mean, it's hardly the first time I've pretended to be someone else. I have many known de plumes and many other lives that I live in parallel to this one.

But, you know, it is hard to not be usador and to wear this multi-colored coat and this orange vest and these shoes that curl up the toes at the end. Yeah. And this little skull cap, I don't like the little skull cap, I like the big pointy hat with the ribbon. I don't know, I just think you need a little fan art and so you can kind of see yourself. Like, enough doors who fan art to like really get you like some perspective on how you're looking.

Yes, and I was a little self-conscious the first time I came down in my new garb and you said, oh, look, it's Joseph and they're amazing to take my color dream coat. And I thought to myself, I don't know who Joseph is. Yeah, and I sang all those songs to you from that musical. That was beautiful.

And I honestly, I wish you would do it again sometime. Yeah, me too. I'll just have to, uh, because I definitely know all of them. Oh, yeah, or any of them. But I get what you're saying. What was the one, wait, no, no, no, hang on. What was the one that went? Oh, they went, oh, the coat. I love your coat. I can't wait to keep looking at your coat. I thought I thought that one was really good. Yeah, and then there was that one that was like,

you look like a sack, a shit, and that dream coat. I was saying that one to you like a dozen times. Well, that one was a little hurtful, but mostly I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. But it's just part of the show. Yeah, yeah, no, I wasn't saying that about you. It's just that your beautiful coat reminded me of that show and made me want to sing that song

about how you look like a piece of crap in that dream coat Right right. Yeah, I understand. It's fun to show still her might be Well, I also use her let's be honest Doors is pretty much used to do what? Yeah, just like you fucking moving from town to town It's just like you put on a different coat and you're doing the same crap Same crap different coat. Well, same crap, different coat. Well, I think it's quite a convincing disguise.

That's why I've opened a little stand next to the Tannery in town, but it's a little shop where I enchant things for money, just to really establish the persona of Dorosu. Hey, let's not talk about the tannery. I'm so depressed that the tanner was killed. Oh, yes. Very sad. The forest time.

Yeah. Well, I just wanted to point out. No questions about how the tanner died. Hmm. We all know. No, yeah, that's true. Yeah, let's not go into it, because I'm gonna be honest with you.

I don't have any details. You don't have any details. You don't have any details? I thought we just said we all knew. Yeah, we... well, I was lying. I was just going along with it because you said we all knew. He fell off the cliff, right outside of town, onto a sword. Oh, I was so ironic. Him being a Tanner and all. I know. What? I don't fucking... bluffing. I don't know what a tanor does.

What a tanor does a tanor do? They tan leather. Leather goods. If it were to be ironic if he had died choking on, um, I don't know, uh, horses' saddle. But who needs their leather tan? Everyone! That's-that's leather. That's how you do it.

Alright, well, let's just agree that it's sad that DJ is dead, okay? Agreed. Now, I just wanted to point out that playing Dorsu, you know, a very subtle character, slightly different things, or... Sure, sure. What are the differences between you and Dorsu? Like the big ones? Let's see.

I mentioned the coat, right? The coat and the hat. All the... What are the non-physical differences? Ah, ah. Well, Dorsu is a sorcerer, not a wizard. He had to learn magic. Yeah, yeah.

So he's just a big fat human meatbag. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. What else? He has a long white beard. It's not different. That's a physical thing anyway. That is true, yeah. The voice the voice is so different in my Really? Yeah, say say something as you said or and the same thing as Doris in one second here

Let me use a spill to cut through some of this underbrush here at the base of the mountain at the base of the mountain. Arotok! Color! Ha! Ha! Ha! Right here. Now we can get through this area.

Follow me. Follow me. Well, let's see. Say something as you said, O'on. Well, you said, O'on would say something like, I would say something like, behold, enemy and fear for the light of righteousness is here to smite the down. And Dorosu, a confronting an enemy, would say something like, hey, shithead, I'm about

to blast your ass. Hmm. Now how would you say I'm about to blast your ass? Well, he wouldn't, that's the thing. I feel like I've heard you say you'd blast an ass. Right? Well not when confronting an enemy, sure, I've ate a bunch of chili. Oh, see, I see.

So you just have a, look, there's ass blasting both ways, but you just have a different relationship to ass blasting. Exactly. And now you understand, yes, yes, they're very, they may not sound entirely different, but they sound so different. Mm-hmm. Are you prepared to be Dorsu for another 100 years?

Well, that's the issue, isn't it? We've sort of painted ourselves into a bit of a corner, as they say, for we know not what to do with the Dark Lord, and if it were revealed that I had not actually murdered him, and not actually ascended to the rims of a fesious well That would be quite a bit of egg on my face Yeah, are there like even setting aside the fact of that look We don't want people to know the dark lore is still alive because it makes his empire crumble all the faster Setting all of that aside. I mean things are so much better now things seem to be getting better

I'm getting better reception on the TV in my room. That's about it that I can tell. Well I was going to point to the things like the armies of darkness retreating back into the underworld where even the dwarves have begun to fight back and and straight about the evil dead? the evil dead too not just the army of darkness, the evil dead too they have also retreated a little bit well yes, have you seen the evil dead? yes, yes, I... well that's just because

we've brought some light into the world, we've made the world sweeter and better we said to evil, give me some sugar baby and they took that sugar and decided to retreat back into the dark. Sure, that's true. What about that crime wave? Said more obscure one. Ah, I mean, I suppose being Dora Su is something I can do forever, but it being Dora Su, being used to all,

being Susan Doke, it feels like I'm living in a multivacive madness. Look, I don't want to bum you out. I don't want to get dark, man. But if the other wizards found out that you've faked your death, would there be any kind of consequences? And if there were, do you have any kind of plan, simple or otherwise, for what you would do then? Well, yes, there would be consequences,

most certainly. Here, watch that branch. And what's your watch head there? There's a lot of undergrowth here at the base of the mountain. The vegetation here is very strange. Yes, it is. Almost. Otherworldly.

Yes, but there would be consequences, indeed. Certainly I would be stripped of my powers. Oh. The essence of me that was originally pulled from another realm as a being of light before I had this fleshy form would be returned there. And the fleshy version of me would be made to suffer for, oh I'd say, 50 years or so, before I was murdered. So you'd be tortured for 50 years and then murdered?

Well, I guess, I believe so. Knowing Genlevia and Spindax and all the rest, they were probably quite cross with me and my only plan really is if we are really back into a corner and we haven't thought of some way to redeem ourselves and to set things right, then I suppose I just have to blast that ass. So wait, are you saying that as used to door or as doerasu? Well, when you take on a Rhoani, it all starts to blend together and you really sure. It really blurs into your life in a lot of ways. Like boy, I understand that way as you can't comprehend.

Well, maybe we should take another short break. It seems like there's a craggie bit here and it it's getting a little dark. Uh, we should uh... A gay lived-lick thing come on. We should be a little careful in this next patch, and as soon as we're back, we'll uh... We'll tell you what we've found. Yeah, quick and the dead. Spider-Man 2. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- I'm sorry.

Ah, but the character keeps reappearing since I'll buy that vertical piece. It's just sort of a runner inside of Automaton Constable that I find very enjoyable and funny. Okay. I suppose if you want me to, I could figure out a way to have the clock ticklers play is appeared on your television. What? Really? Although I don't know. Recordings of live shows, I don't know, usually they just don't have the magic of being there in person. Sure, sure. I will, I mean, we'll just take a little horses blood if we found an evil horse, or you know a pop-a-mock, whatever it took. Yeah, speaking of blood, why is there so much blood on this trail that we're walking along?

Oh, well, you know, you know, it's a dangerous mountain. It could be bare blood. Oh, you know what? That's right. Whizzler said that there are a lot of bears, griffins, and scrambles. Yes, and bears and griffins tend to get along, but neither one of them really get along with scrambles because they're basically like low-level demons. Oh, yeah. Is that thing over there, it kind of looks like an upside-down spider. Is that a scramble? Uh, where are you pointing at? I can't see you. Over there. I'm just... I have stuck in my head that rhyme that Whizzle had told us...

What? If it's on its back, with a tail scrambling to get you, that's a scramble. If it's in a bush that starts with a B, that's a bramble. Well, yes, it does have a tail and it's back. Oh, yes! Oh, shit! I'm going to blast your ass! Ah! Ah! Ah!

See, you said I haven't been good noticed. Just how often you say you're gonna blast an ass. Like, it's like one of your top catchphrases. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Should we make Doris' merch? Should we really just settle into the fact that you're gonna be Doris' for 50 years? Oh, I suppose so. I'd rather not. I mean, don't get me wrong. I've come to love Doris' who as much as everyone else has. Mm-hmm. But, there'd be something nice to be myself.

And it'd be nice to be justified in my return, and having some way redeem myself from my embarrassment of having almost killed the Dark Lord technically I did kill him, but they're not a technicality we were still alive and now we're stuck with him. It's very frustrating, Naughty. I must be honest. I'm very frustrated by the whole thing. I'm sure. Like you did this amazing thing and you don't get as much credit as you deserve, and- Oh, oh, oh, that's not even talk about the credit.

For now, one of my most dread enemies who I respect is getting some of the credit for it, and I'm sure he's thrilled about it. He's not thrilled about it, I'm pretty happy about that. Yeah, but I suppose you know This is my lot in life. I am now Dora Sue Much as you became trapped here and food and I am now trapped in Dora Sue Oh, don't say it like that. Why don't you hold right up inside Dora Sue? Right inside of his skin and now. Okay.

In that. How did you get inside of Dorisu exactly? How did that, what did that process look like? Well, I wrote a long backstory. And then I thought about my once and I really thought, you know, what's going to make this character come to life? And I thought it should be like me, but slightly different. Who adores who's parents? Like, did you pick real people? Or did you just make up people?

Yes, I wrote a whole backstory about my entire family tree. My parents are a door and Sue. And they, like to Sue have a last name? Uh, well her last name is O. Oh, okay, and no relation to Susan Doku. No, no, ironically no. Although I- maybe that was subconscious, since I made the mouth up. Sure, I don't know.

So Dore and Sue, um, How was it having a door for a dad? Oh, well, Ahni, here's the thing. It's not a literal door. Oh. Is his name is door, and he is a bedpost. Huh. He fell in love with a human woman, and they found a way through magic and chicaneery

to bring forth a life. I don't know. A woman in a bedpost, somehow making a baby. Unfortunately, I can visualize some parts of it. Well, it's not exactly the course thing that I believe you're thinking of. It was really more an act of love. They really did love each other and uh... they they went to a which uh... and they sold uh... their souls it turned out this bedpost had a soul in it uh... which the which said what are the rest of the bed i'm so sorry to interrupt what are the rest of the bed is it just the bedpost it's alive

well it turns out that those were all his brothers and sisters the other bed posts and uh... and the runners and the flat. Are they flats? One of those things that run under the bed. You know, I don't know what the main thing is. That's true. Anyway, we don't have that stuff. The witch discovered that door had been churned

into a bed post many centuries before. And he actually had been a human and his entire family had been churned into this bed by the witch's mother and the witch said I want to undo the wrongs of my family and so she churned door back into a human and churned the whole bed back into the family of humans and then they were able to have a child together and then that child became Dorsu and Dorsu was so inspired by this story that he decided to go and learn magic and become a fat magic bag of sorcery meat. So I hate to sort of obsess on this one detail but so Dors and Tire family is stuck there

right next to him. The whole time that he and Sue are just going to town on each other. I know and said anything about going to town. Sometimes romantic love ony is not about the physical. But making babies is right. Yes, they do. Wait, did they romantically make Dorosu? No, what I'm saying is he got turned back into a human and then they were allowed to

have a baby. And then Dorasu Was inspired and became a magician himself and then he he went back to his parents He said I want you to know that I am so inspired by this magical story that I've spent the last Ten years becoming a sorcerer and then they sort of laughed at Dorasu and they were like What are you talking about? That was just a dumb story we made up to tell you when you were a small child. That's the chicane ripard.

They were just two people. I see. So Dorusu's a little bit of a boopoon. You know what, I think that's another thing that makes them different from you, Sadoa. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't you agree? I'm not, yeah, I'm, I do. I do. I do, and I'm so sorry I laughed for a good 30 seconds.

That's all right. That's all right. Mm-hmm. Well, hey, can I say, and I'm not going to call you Dorisu, because there's no one around. Can I say you, Sidor? Of course. It's been nice walking around with you, spending some time with you.

I just want to make sure that you're doing all right. You've been through a lot since we've moved here. Well yes and everything's been happening at such a breakneck pace, at least for us. That it's been hard to stop and think about well what is next? How do we get out of this jam? We find ourselves in. But I'm certain that one of the guests who comes along will say something certain that one of the guests who comes along will say something. Yeah. The helps. Although, you said, or, please, be totally honest with me.

You've led me out into the wilderness by myself for no apparent reason. Are you going to murder me out here? What the fuck is going on? Certainly not. As I said to you, I sense powerful magic brewing here at the base of the mountain. And here, we can can if you look up map, pass the clouds you can just barely see. The third peak the peak closest to town the shortest of the three peaks. Yeah. Do you feel that? Open your mind. Okay how do I open my mind? Close your eyes. Don't make that noise. Okay.

Close your eyes and think. Think about what's in front of you. Be truly in the moment and see if you can feel something that you couldn't see with your eyes. I think you see? A lot of dancing lollipops. Oh. I'm like a popcorn bucket that a lot of dancing lollipops. Oh.

I'm like a popcorn bucket that's sort of dancing. Okay. There's a soda, like a fountain soda drink. It says eyeballs and legs and it's kind of walking around kind of holding hands. How does that make you feel? Hungry. Oh my gosh.

Okay. It's all gonna go to the lobby. What'd you think passed the hunger? Well okay, well let's follow that instant. Okay. I don't want you to go to the lobby. What do you think passed the hunger? Well, okay, well let's follow that instant. Sure. Imagine yourself walking into the lobby. Okay. And now what do you see?

Let's see, there are bathrooms on one side. There's like a concession stand, where you can get lollipops, popcorn, fountain soda. Let's say yours. Let's say your step. Do you want some of those concessions? can get lollipops popcorn, fountain soda. Let's say yours, let's say your step. Do you want some of those concessions? Should you get in the line? I do, but I don't know. I don't want to be late for the movie.

Tell me what you see when you get to the front of the line. The popcorn popper? Really thought this was gonna be some sort of magical revelation, but it seems like you imagined a movie theater. Oh, I'm so sorry. I stopped trying to access stuff when I got excited about thinking about going, getting heavy concessions.

Sure, sure, sure. I could back it up a little bit. Let me kill the Scrabbo Roll with my daggers. Those things are not huge, but they're nasty looking. Blasted, yes. Beautiful. Uh, well that's another difference. I can't even tell you how to sword.

Oh, can I say, I'm a little scared of this mountain? Well, I am scared, but also intrigued. I... wait, wait. Do you see there? Has that ramble? It seems like there's an even doctor's dog. There's not a ramble, that's a Scramble. Ah!

Eh! Get in the tank, Anna! Ah! Ah! Are you blessed it's ass? Right, it's fried it alive. Blasted it's ass. Alright.

Oh, I also burnt some of the Bramble away. Oh. Oh, aw, honey. Yeah. There's a cave here. Yeah, and there are all these weird ruins written along the entrance. I don't recognize these rooms. Oh if only I could eat them so I could remember them. Yeah you could try. No I'm sorry you're gonna know. No that's a bad idea. Yeah it it does seem like, I hate to say it.

It does seem like, do you look, if you look into this cave, there is a really distant light. Oh, did we both come up here to die? Oh, is this the last episode of our lives? Why isn't Chant here? Shouldn't Chant die with us? No, no, isn't that fucking always the way? We're gonna die in a shadow-

Shadow-live forever, consequence-free, high status. Well, let's walk into the cave! If we're gonna die in this cave, we're gonna die in this cave. I can't be afraid of magic caves my whole life. Sure, when I was a child, it was okay to be afraid of magic caves. Here, let me tap my wand to cast a little light-gay-lip-fitting cone. So you can see, as we go. Oh, oh, this is interesting indeed. The walls of the cave are so smooth. This is if they were worn away by years of water running down them in a perfect,

perfect shape, or as if they may have even been carved. Huh, you're a little more interested in walls than I am. Hmm. Well, it's an unusual, it may not be a natural cave, it may have been created by forces here that you are known, like dwarves or... It doesn't seem like dwarven work to me. It's so round and smooth dwarven work typically at least in fune is is noted for it sort of strong angular and metallic heaviness this has an organic feel almost more like an elf would make it

But elves do tend to work in stones, sometimes in precious jewels and metal, but very peculiar indeed. Very peculiar indeed. Do you know too many things? Do you ever think about everything that maybe you know too many things? All the time. Like, do you ever just think like, I gotta flush some of this information out of my brain? It's like I don't need to remember the plot synopsis of every episode of Fringe.

Oh, and I do. The hot new flesh information out? Oh, certainly. Sometimes I do a little assessment of what's in my brain and I say, nope, so long with that. And I just, I take a small piece of paper and I put it on my forehead and I extract that information and I see it there and I read it one more time and I say nope and I throw it away Huh, what's an information that you flushed out of your brain? You don't have anymore. How would I know on it? How would I know? I didn't fall for my clever trap Is it just me or is there kind of like a breeze a kind of a warm breeze coming from deeper in this cave? Does it feel hot in here, even though it was a nice cool summer evening,

I do feel that source of heat you're talking about. That's something weird heat, it's kind of familiar though. It's like, you know what, I was watching TV in Arizona for a few years. In the summers, I didn't have air conditioning in my car one summer, and it was miserable. Like it was so hot. And I remember like being in the car during the summer was like being in an oven. And there's just a little hint of that. What were you trying to teach the air to do?

I wasn't trying to teach the air to do anything. Then why were you conditioning it? Oh. No, I was trying to teach the ear to do anything. Then why were you conditioning it? Oh. Um, no, I was trying to make it soft. Soft air. I have to cover this bill for that. If it feels to you like Arizona, I... I suppose.

I mean, stranger things have happened on you. Perhaps we finally found a way... Back to your world. Well, you think this is like a... Transdimensional cave? I mean, I've never seen a cave like it Air Force, and I have no reason to believe. It could be anything at the end of that tunnel. There's only one way to find out.

Follow me! Let's run! Well, I'm not going to run! Can you magic a spell to just drag me along? Yes, yes, yes. Uh, cut, oh, cut, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh a while to learn to do this. Mm-hmm. Wait, it's coming closer. I see something. Ah, it's so bright. It's taking hardly... It's very bright. Oh, my heart.

Is it like... Is it gonna... Are we going into like lava? Is this... Is this mountain a volcano? I don't believe it is, but it might be a dragon's tail. Maybe it's...

Maybe it's the heart of the dragon. Where the fire is contained. Oh, I know not. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, at contained. Oh, I know not. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, at all. I just spelled the air. We're, I think we're coming out of the cave.

Where are we? Is this a desert? Ony. Is there a desert on the other side of this mountain? No. There is not. Ony. This is some sort of portal.

A portal to another part of Thune or another world I know not. Wait, there's something coming. Oh, it's just a horse. Hello, friend. Here. Come to us now. I am friends with the horse lord, Grimhuf, the fifth fastest horse in Thune. Know as tea? Why are you always trying to talk to horses not a horse as can talk? Friends with the horse lord, Grimhuff, the fifth fastest horse in Foon! No, is Tee?

Why are you always trying to talk the horses not all horses can talk? I know that! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah horse sounds just like, Chon, Chon, did you fuck a horse? Uh, nope, sorry, my name is Champ, and actually, yes, I did. But that's typical for me, a horse. Yeah, that makes sense. Actually, can I be honest with you? I'm not really just Champ.

I'm Champ the fourth. Oh. Oh, well, yeah. See, I come from a long line of horses with consumption. Oh. Oh, excuse me. Oh, don't worry, don't worry, it's not consumption yet. That's just hay fever.

Well, my name is Yusudah, and this is my good friend, Aani. I'm from another world. Wait, we have an Arnie. My best friends in Arnie. What? And you, Zador, you look exactly like... You look exactly like Magic Jack star.

Whoa. But I don't look like Arnie. Oh no, you do, for the most part. I mean, maybe your ears are slightly smaller? Arnie, I think we've traveled to another world. Another, another world? You guys got me tumbleweed? I wanna get high.

Yeah, I'm holding. Wait, you got tumbleweed on you? Yeah, usually. We'll tell you what, you pass me that tumbleweed and tit for tat, you two can hop on my back and I'll take you to Hogswood, where we can all have a nice tall glass of beer at the Burkandy Bronco, and you two can meet your counterparts. My friends, Arnie and Magic Jack Star. Uh, oh, this is incredible, Arnie.

Uh, yes, champ, we had love to also we don't want to die in the middle of this desert. The chin of this world is always trying to get us to write on too. Come on. Confess it on me. He did say tit for tat. We did walk a lot already in this episode. So all right. Oh, yeah, just hop on and actually I know a little bit of a cheat code. You can get you to the burgundy Bronco faster. Get it up! Get it up! Get it down! Get it down! Get it A, get it A, get it B, get it B, get it selected! Oh great, this is what I get for not paying attention to the last season and a half, another cross-dimensional incursion. Now, I have to spend a good 5 minutes over the next week remembering where I wrote down

the coordinates for Cowboy World, so much for rifling through an old magazine, next year, I guess. Use it or the blue was played by Matt Young. Whizzler the Wind sprite was played however briefly by Jessica McKenna. Champ the talking horse was played by Adolfie. All that waiting just to be disappointed at the end. It's Game of Thrones season 8 all over again. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by a generous donation

from the Walton family. Oh no wait, we turned down that opioid cash made possible by Patreon supporters human beings with names like Skip Watts Eric Spicer Troy Babs Danica Pierce Brian the Red parentheses not a joke name or Usador inspired Usador inspired there Usador inspired. There are two words I never heard next to each other. Zoom Marsden, Ginny Troye, ship's counselor. Christina Sparks, Andy Mass, Hannah, Catbag, Catbag.

That's dangerously close to copyright infringement on my cat holding device, the cat sack. David Severison, Kathleen, Avery Schwartz, and Joel Miller, written in quotes with an exclamation point so I amend my earlier read to instead be Joel Miller. Patreon supporters can add free versions of new episodes, the entire back catalog of previous seasons, and all the spin-off series like offices and bosses, masters of mayhem, and usador's fetching quests. Plus, two completely new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, which appears to be out of character, where Steve Waltean and Kate James drop in to play that game where you name people, but then you can't name certain groups of people. Look, it's more fun than it sounds. Actually, I take that back. This is a fair representation. Just listen to the clip. We're doing it today. And we owe the sweet and the deal. We have two very special guests.

Why don't they go ahead and introduce themselves? Go ahead. What? No, you first. Why? Because that's just chivalry. Sexist. Sexism.

Hi. This is Kate James. And I am joined by Steve Waltean. And from Magic Tavern listeners, Steve plays Tom Blaine Bellaroth and Kate plays so many characters in the Magic Tavern universe. I do. But most notably, several of the Trishas who have... I like how you said several of the Trishas.

All of the Trishas, but I met several Trishas who have I like I said several of the Trishas all of the Trishas, but I met several Trishas like the idea one of the Trishas is Merrill Street. Yes, but you have to get And she's so good. You'll never I know and I gotta Disappears into it. She's been three months with me and Merrill won't stop emailing me being like, please Let me get back on the pod. I got a lot more, I wanna do a lot more Trisha. I'm like, that is so her. I know I'm in the minority on this,

but it feels like me and we wasted our on that. Mm. I don't know. Also, maybe not that important. Well, it is important. Two of our favorite people and you also both happen to be married. I wonder how many listeners know that.

Reveal. To each other, we should close that. How important is that to you? How important is it to you? How important is it to you? I remember people who also just have me be married. Fascinating. How important is it to you that we're married?

On a scale of one to 10? Let's have Matt make a poll. Yes. Oh, no. But these are my favorite things. Well, we'll call this not the marriage. Ah, a little more airtime for another chit-chatting, heteronormative couple. Happy Pride Month, everyone. To listen to the rest of that and learn about all the other bonus content, go to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffaier,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Alert Laban. Magic tavern theme by Andy Poland. Cowboy World version of the theme song by Eric Chikover. See you back here next week for a return to Cowboy World, something that wasn't requested by anyone anywhere.

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