Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 32 - Cowboy World: Tormaline & Whizla

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Arnie and Usidore visit Cowboy World and begin seeing some familiar faces.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChamp the Horse: Adal RifaiUlysses the Cowboy: Matt YoungWhizla Applesnatch: Jess McKennaTormaline Wagon Teen: Zach ReinoMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandAdditional Music: Aric JacoverYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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When we last left off, and that's assuming you were listening last week, which is an extreme version of wishful, magical, delusional thinking, our main characters wandered off into another fake parallel dimension, cowboy world. Almost as if to punish those faithful listeners who only want more of the same. Well, too bad, for every season of Madalorian you got to sit through some book of Boba Fett. Since cowboy world is populated with its own counterparts of our heroes, you can imagine what might happen. And if your imagination is good enough, you probably don't need to listen to the rest of this episode. For all the

rest of us also, Rans, sit back and enjoy the show. So right up here is the Burger New Bronco. And that's kind of our hangout. That's our saloon. Um, I do want to say, if you're not interested interested you don't have to make fake noises like that I do want to say that we do what I do. I'm an active listener I know on our week long ride across the land to come here. Maybe that didn't come off But it's just I feel like I've been giving you a tour of high food and every time I point it something you go Oh, I don't think it's a really paying attention. Okay. Well, it's it's actually there's a very interesting parallel Between many of the things in this town to a town that we come from called hoax face. Oh

Now I'm doing it. No, yeah, see it's very easy to find I just think I feel like oh is a noise that's for me and if it's for me you can drop it I don't need it. That's what I'm saying. I should if you're making if you're going Oh for my sake don't because I don't care Are you tired of having us on your back because if you are I? Think oh no, I don't feel it But like I say this is the Burgundy Bronco. This is our saloon where we do our what is there any call it a put a podcast? This is what I mean podcast you do wait You're a lot of podcasts interested, huh. You're a hot cast. You're interested, huh?

You mean a celebrity and suddenly you're interested. You didn't know I was a celebrity, huh? I am interested. Now do you want my, do you want my horseshoe stamp? No, that sounds very painful. Well, I like, I dip my horseshoe in ink and then I press it on someone's forehead and it's kind of like a little, little keepsake.

Can I ask, does it have to be the forehead? I prefer. I guess it technically could be somewhere else. But anyway, listen, we do have another Arnie. So we need to figure out some way to not get confused. He has that kind of an accent like you. I wonder if it's like back to the future rules, where if I accidentally make contact with a me

from another dimension, like there's a paradox and it destroys everything Can I be honest with you a big guy? You're not gonna find a paradox around here. We are surrounded by desert So if you're looking for some other sightseeing if you're bored of this town I am sorry to say you're not gonna find what you're looking for I know you're a horse, but you are so much like chun like exactly like chun I don't know what that means, but thank you much like chun, like exactly like chun. I don't know what that means, but thank you.

Just shrug you off my back here, sorry to dump you on the sand there, on the dirt, and uh, I always love, sorry, uh, let me, let me go first. I always love pushing open saloon doors. Yeah. Good clop, motherfuckers, it's me. Champ, damn, come on, we're doing the podcast. Use it or let's hide over in the corner, just in case me getting closer causes a paradox. Is this a perfect thing? If it helps, yeah. Great. Hello from the Dusty Saloon! A weekly podcast from the Wild West world of High Foon.

I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Golden Corral and Cicero Illinois into the old Western cowboy world of High Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Golden Corral, through the dimensional riff, and I used my rudimentary understanding of science to build this here hand crank that supplies electricity to my laptop. So, I'm able to record this podcast in the saloon, the burgundy Bronco, and the town of Hogswood, and the land of Highfoon.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, you listening. Ah! I am your listless D. Lamore, wildest gunsling in all all you ever saw, wanted in 17 counties yet known for my bravery and noble heart by those that ain't trying what to manipulate me. The indigenous folk, who we did steal this land from, know me as dances with light and shadows. The Spanish know me as my Strode del Chaos, and I'm known by those dull-gurned pinker-tins

in the Norris as Magic Jackstar. You listen, it's good to see you again. How you doing, bud? and the Nor East as much as possible. Oh, well, certainly I don't want anyone in your, in your fancy futuristic world to forget who we is exactly. So every week they hear our voice coming over their air waves. That's the word right air waves. Yeah, close enough. You know, Ulysses, it is actually nice to be back in Hogswood. We, we spent quite a bit of time traveling around High Foon,

recently spent a spell in Saddle Bottom, at the base of the unnamable Mesa. Why murdered two of them, damn Pinkertons, buried him in the ground. What? You didn't tell me that you murdered anybody while we were there. Well, hell, why'd you think we had to get out of town?

Oh, I guess that's true. I was saying... Arnie, join staying at the peculiar partner. What's that? Arnie, I've killed someone every time we've been to. You've killed someone every time we've been to? That's right, but I've always killed someone who deserved to be killed. And I am joined by my other co-host, Champ the Talking Horse.

Champs up with that, baby! Yeah, a popular slogan. Oh, I've sat on my balls. I wish I was a gilding. Right? You ever wish you were gilding? I know. Every single day of my life.

Really? I would love to be a beautiful, smooth gilding just born and walk around. Ever since I was a yearling, I wish I was a gilding. You ever hear that phrase? It's, it's, it's, it. I've above my fireplace. I have a fireplace Crowshaved is crushed. That's where you take cow hide and you shave in the hide Whatever words you want damn you can never crocheted. I'm afraid I have not learned that particular skill in my lifetime

Well, let me grab here. I have extra crow just use it speak It'll eat up the cow hairs and then you get yourself a crow shave. Thank you very much for this champ. I appreciate you doing me this learning so that I can expand my particular list of skills. But the most important skills that I fear I've garnered are those in which I have to murder them,

which is done wrongs. Arnie, it sounds like you listening. I was gonna launch into song. We're gonna hear one of his saloonie tunes. Is that fun? Bididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididid What a great little ditty. I'm paying very much. Hey, that's a great amount of banner up top. Hey, why don't I introduce our first guest? Sounded unauthentic, but okay Tormelene come on in here. How do you bestie?

Howdy friend. Hey, where are you three? So in size doing well? We're doing a podcast Mm-hmm. Is it all right if we interview you a little bit? Yeah, you want to talk to me, Tarmaline Wagon team? What, what was that again? What was that name? Tarmaline the Wagon team, trying to add me to your Wagon team. My wagons are a dream.

Listen, I got all sorts of wagons and the wagons got all sorts of parts. Wagon buzz, bonnets, break levers, jockey box, you know, parts of a wagon. And normally correct me if I'm wrong, did I just see that you were a part of the yearly competition known as the circle? It's a kind of a reality competition where you circle your wagons as best you can? Yeah, everyone circles a wagon and you have to try to figure out whose wagon isn't a wagon. One of the wagons is just pretending to be a wagon.

And really, it's just a big, stand-dee piece of wood cut out to look like a wagon. Wow. It's a pretty easy game. Because the stand-dees and what? Did you win? Yeah, I won a year's supply of salted pork hats. Whoa.

Oh, I'm very jealous. I love that. I'm a delicious salted pork hat. You have the sun out of my eyes until I am hungry enough to eat it. Mm-hmm. It's a hat you can eat, and it's cured meat. That's not the jingle because the hat you can eat because it's cured meat. Oh, some more saloonie tunes.

Yeah. Is this going to be quick because I'm sort of dealing with an emerging issue? Oh, I don't know what is transpired that requires your attention, son. Well, okay, did you come through the middle of the town? Did you come to the middle of a hogswood on your way in here? Well, I don't know how champ came in town, but Ulysses and I, I guess we came around the back way about a day ago. I skulked my way in for eyes, fears that perhaps the Pinkerton's were waiting for me here in Hutton. And I took the scenic route just to show two friends over there.

Cool, so y'all can just tell me if you did or did not go through the middle of time. I'm afraid we can't do that. All the other information is actually extraneous. I did. I did. OK, great. So, whizla, Apple Snatcher is still down in the well.

We're all trying to get her out. Oh no! We're not Wizla Apple Snatcher. Arnie, do we know you, Lucy? Do we know Wizla Apple Snatcher? Everyone around here knows Wizla Apple Snatcher. And kind of, she sneaks in everyone's orchard to snatch their apples all the time.

Oh. Honestly, it's funny as I'll get out. She did once upon a time, till she got stuck in that well. Now I'm afraid there are no apples being procured by her illicitly. Yeah. But I heard like the girl that got stuck in the well, that happened so long ago. Oh yeah, no, she's been down there for a while.

And we've offered to help her get out. But as the point of pride, Wizla apples Nager refuses to be helped out of any scenario. She just keeps screaming, I can do it on my own. I bet, I bet if we're all fine. Yeah, you can hear her from here. She's in the middle of town. I can do it on my own.

Almost if on cue. She's been there a lot. Like I can't step enough. She's been there a long time. I can do it on my own. Huh, yeah, and I'm looking out the saloon door and I don't see anybody trying to help her so at this point It's just pure self-motivation. Oh, I'm not going to help her. I just like she's one of my best friends. Oh How'd you two meet? Or maybe we should get her involved and she can tell the story. Yeah, okay. Yeah, follow me Move our table out to the well

We need to take our table out to the well. Oh, the whole table. All right, everybody grab it. Everybody grab it. All right, grab this table. Let's get it out of the way. It's not gonna fit. And you're trying to move this table out there. You gotta load it up on a wagon.

On a wagon? Oh, look, champ can pull it. It's gonna be great. I got one. It's only $3 an hour. Look, I think if we just, I think we just kind of like angle a little bit here. Hey, you two strangers.

Why don't you help us? You grab that part of the table. Oh, man. All right, here we go. I can open the door for you. I'm more of a door opening person. You're more of a door opening person. You don't want to lift anything.

Arnie, do you see that fellow there who looks quite a bit like you? I guess so. Less sunburned I guess. Annie said he wanted to open the door, avoid and work, just like you. Sure. I guess so. I mean you dress like a priest just so people will leave you alone. And it works.

It's worked very well for a long time. Ever since father blemish was killed, I started wearing his priest outfit. Yes, well, of course we'd be glad to help you with your table. All we need to do, I uh, We should still visit her, I suppose. I like that she has different cadences in which she says it. Yes, sometimes she says I can do it on my own. Sometimes she says I can do it by myself. Sometimes she says I don't need no one but me. When you're trapped in a well, you have to keep it fresh. I can do this on my own. I can do this on my own. Where's the girl? Have you eaten anything today? Oh, you know what?

I had, um, I chied on the bits of some bread and I chied on a corn muffin and I have some naturally grown mushrooms down here at the bottom of the well and it's been long enough that they don't give me any ill versite effects while I'm eating on them. Do you want a soldier pork hat? Oh girl, I can never take your pork hat from the circle.

You circled that wagon. Thank you. It was hard. But I got a year supplies. Here, take this one. Hang on, I'm sensing non-teen energy around you. Yeah, they're coming. They're currently moving a table that is unnecessarily big out here so they can set up a, you know.

Why don't they just put it on the chair and lean? Are they too good to lean? I don't know. What? What? Lean gets this well. Well. What the fuck?

Oh. You said, or you just, sorry, Arnie, this is you said, or, or, or, or, or they're ever gonna actually get out Yeah, they're really held up with this door So Arnie Arnie are they trying to take a table from the saloon? Yeah through the door Those are big oak tables. Those are big oak tables farm tables. They're heavy as I'll get out You listen you look used to or just shrunk the table down to to the size of a thimble. Oh, yeah My my use the door he does magic and stuff. We come from a magic world. Uh, well, I don't know if you should be telling people

about here in this world. Oh, sorry, jokes, jokes. It's just a skill live, though. Oh, I guess I know a few horse walks in this loon and a man says, why the long dick and the horse says, I'm a horse. Is that what you're looking for? Well, that done right confused me to forget all about that table done being shrunk down.

Can you unshrink it? Can you unshrink our table outside? Certainly. Just take it out to where everyone's it's an oh make it its crack size. Okay put it right over the well here. You're putting it up. Yeah don't put it there. It's a table. Put it on the ground're blocking my only source of life. Yeah, don't put it there. It's a table.

Put it on the ground. Hey, y'all, listen. I know that maybe you forgot that Whizzler Apple Snatch has been down this well going on eight months. But I'm still down here, and I can get out on my own. But I do need that sunlight. I do that thing where I know when it's going to hit. And I put my hands

and feet out to get a little bit of vitamin D and I take it all in as if my arm was under a big boulder but it's not. I'm actually just in a well that's too many feet down for me to climb. Wizelick and I ask you is your name Wizelick Apple Snatch or Apple Snatcher because it depends on whether or not someone's taken the last part of it. That's the thing about all these kids in town. We're always taking stuff from each other. Name's included. Like I am an apple snatcher but my family is apple snatch. So when I'm in the act of apple snatchin, I am whizzla apple snatcher. At the moment I'm just apple snatch

because I'm sitting back in relax. Yeah, and my last name is wagon team. So I'm formerly in wagon team of the wagon team. Wow, people's personality seem to be really heavily influenced by what their last name is or what their last name is almost. Listen, your name is your family's thing that they do and that's a job that they can train you in. For example, Wiz has a whole family who's been stealing apples from people for since what? How many generations now? This is the fourth generation of Apple Snatch here.

Now, the reason why we steal apples is because it's a great ozbreaker. What someone don't, you know, the thing about Apple Snatchers is we always let you catch a snatchin' and then we say, oh, who me? Just a little Apple Snatcher? And what a great icebreaker, because now we're talkin'. And you know, talkin' gets to chatin', chatin' gets to commiseratein',

commiseratein' gets to wishes and hopes and dreams. And that's what we're so good at listening to. Wow, you know, Arnie here in High Foon, it's rumored that the first two entities snatched the apple from a tree, and that's what gave us clothes. Huh, they made us, they peeled the apple and made little little clothes out of it.

Yeah, that was the most small. Yeah, you had the same dog that I did too. I did. Or, think about this. Maybe the apples were real big. The apples could have been big, y'all the apples could have been big. Wow.

My mind is blown. These tails are quite amazing. So, Whizzler, how long have you been down in this well? Going on eight months. Eight months. Going on eight months. I get out of my own though. I can get out on my own.

Do you like want to though? I do want to get out. There was a time when I'd out of my own though, I can get out on my own. Do you like want to though? I do want to get out. There was a time when I'd sort of, I would say between months, three and six, I was like, actually I live here now because so many people just come by the well and they chat without me having a snatch. And I was sort of coming and custom to it and liking it and it was a nice change of pace and honestly it was the hot hot hot peak of summer so the cool misty waters down here and sort of the dank dank stones that I could put my head on rest on with sort of nice. Now as false coming in I'm missing snatching them apples and missing you know I didn't

get to do the wagon circle this year which was such a bummer because I had a great plan based on catfish which was to lure everyone to the center with my catfish. With the catfish, it's clasic. Yeah, clasic. Yeah, delicious. So that they'd circle up their wagons real good. So now I'm starting to get ready to get out but I think I might have a little bit of muskles atrophilian. It would be great if you did though only because the water has been straight up unusable for eight months. That's true, yeah.

We drank it for a little bit and everyone got real sick and we weren't sure why and then we immediately realized why. Yeah. I have noticed since we got back into town that people look a lot more ill than they did before we went. You sort of get that sort of that dysentery look is going about, yeah, we don't want that. So yeah, it is time for me to get out,

but I do need to get out on my own. If you want like a tutorial on how to like mask over that sort of dysentery look, or to like make the dysentery look work for you, I can absolutely help you there. Oh my gosh, you should listen to her. She's got so many hot tips. Can I ask, what is your, you said your legs

is kind of atrophied. What is your leg strength from day one to now? And what is your plan currently? Well, if I started as someone who could do hurdles, now I'm someone who cannot do hurdles. Yeah. I have a rudimentary understanding of science, so I get that. Yeah. And I guess my plan is, well, I've been trying to dry out

the slipperiness of the rocks with some of these mosses that are growing down here using them as sort of sponges. Because really, I feel like it's a grip thing. Yeah, I've realized that the whole time we're talking to you, you are moving stuff with your arms, but you're doing that by biting onto your sleeves and carrying your arm over to where you want it. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Um, using heart. Yeah. Her arms haven't moved by themselves and I want to say a couple months.

Couple months. Couple months. Which was the point at which I was like, please take this rope and let me pull you back up here. Do you know what, y'all? The closest I've gotten out so far is a couple nights ago. Do you remember what we had that great big storm when all the winds was blowing? Yeah. Oh, we had a ton. And it rained a ton and the cows were a moon and the chickens were a crowing

and the crowings were a crow chain. The geese were a lion. The geese were a lion. The milk maids were a leaping. Well, the water started to rise, and I started to float, and then the wind started to whip, and I almost got all the way out.

My small body whipping on the wind like I was some kind of spirit. But then I fell back down, because the wind stopped out. But it was exciting. It was exciting. I was almost there. Almost there. There's been a murder.

What? He said the wind's died. There's been a murder. Well, I have to figure that out. Oh no, shame. Oh no. Right after this brick. Now, Tormelain, so you're from the wagon team family. Did they always have wagons, or did one day they just wake up and they just imagine wagons? No, it didn't imagine wagons. Or invent wagons even.

Does that answer your question? They've all driven wagons. Magin Wagens or in Bentwagens even Does that answer your question? I have a question for you gosh Thunder and the thunder the lightning and the thunder does that make it hard with the wagons? What in the actual Christ are you talking about? I'm not Are you a radio act if you need to step back. Listen, what's it gonna take for one of you to bio-wagon? How am I gonna get you into one of these bad boys?

How much does it cost? What? How much does it cost? How much you have? What? Well. How much do you have? Let's make a deal.

Listen, these things got everything. They got neck-yos, they got double trees, they got single trees, they got iron tires, they got value rims, let's go! Get a wagon, no cap, this is the greatest wagon you're gonna ever see. He's acting sus. This one here, I don't know how it's possible,

this one has a wooden flat tire Yeah, that happens to the Listen if the felly ram gets bent and the iron tire actually can get like this come Bob Like you got to pop that off and get a new one on there, but this one's gonna be look if you're in town One of these bad boys champ. I'm just picturing you. I was up to the neck. you cook one of these? All they see is flames, bro. Arnie, I need one of these, buddy. Arnie, give me some money. I don't have that much money. I spend most of our money on our way back from saddle bottom.

Do you know how many mayors I could carry around in this wagon? No, I don't, how many? Six. Six-mayor capacity. Holy shit. Six-mayor capacity. Holy shit, six mayor capacity. And their little retinues that they always have. That is insane.

How many miles on this wagon? This one was new. It's just, I used it in the circle. Yeah, with wagons already, you just have to trust. There's no way to fail. You just have to trust them. Yeah, now I see it's kind of written in white marker. Do you want the wagon facts? I got the wagon facts on this one

It's been a wagon accident. I prefer the Kelly wagon book. Do you have that? Yeah, I have a Kelly hold on Kelly I need your wagon up She's great. She's great. Thank you. She's out of breath. Does anyone want South-south water How much? She's been there. Thank you. She's out of breath. Does anyone want... Seltzer water? How much? Um, not penny. I only have nay pennies. Oh, scuttles.

Wait, you have a marry me, pennies. You want these scuttles? Kelly, get out of here. Wait, I love scuddles. Next time, next time, bye Kelly. Bye. You list these. You're the oldest among us.

You probably bought a few wagons in your time. Like, how should we approach this transaction? First of all, I think we're the exact same age. Second of all. I mean, I know I've aged a lot in the last seven years being out in this rough environment. I hear that when you take someone's life it really does a toll on you.

And sometimes it's hard to tell how old someone is if they've removed a lot of souls from this walking earth. I have been described as grizzled. I think I'm gonna look like a hundred when I get out. I can see right through you. Your borderline trans loose ant, Wizlow. I'm almost a ghost. I'm an almost ghost. I'm an almost ghost.

You're an almost ghost, sorry, how old are you? Sorry, Ulysses, are you an almost ghost? We can almost ghost about together. I suppose that the ghost state is not far off for me, so if you do expire down there at the bottom of that well, not accepting any help, and I do, I should also shuffle off this mortal coil, then I'd be glad to ghost around old hogswood with you. of that well, not accepting any help. And I do also shuffle off this mortal coil, then

I be glad to ghost around old hogswood with you. Oh, that's, that's like really nice to know, honestly. It's nice to know because like, my biggest fear was if I become a ghost, I don't want to be a lonely ghost. I know, it seems like a lonely lifestyle. But so is being an outlaw who does rights and goods where he does go does rights and goods Whistler if you became a ghost do you think would you be the kind of ghost that like curses people and then Seven days later you'd crawl out of your well and and kill them No, no if I could crawl out of the well as a ghost that would be sort of like like ironic. And that's not my deal. I'm all about being earnest.

So I think I instead would just keep snatching apples as a ghost. And then when people come out and see a float in the apple, and then I would reveal my slightly more opaque form, and I say, hey, just tell me about yourself. You know, I would basically behave exactly as I do now, just I'd be a ghost. But you'd be a ghost, yeah. Who could float? Tormally, I would hang out with you,

and maybe I could help you win the wagon circle next year. That'd be great. Thank you. I will say I did win it with sort of no unearthly assistance. And I would like for our personal relationship, you to get out of the well. And I'm going to be the first one to get out of the well and I'm going to be the first one to say it. I don't think you can do it on your own. I think

you've had eight months to do it on your own and I think if you could do it on your own, you would have. I think you're just feeling one of the great sins which is pride. Yeah, pride comes before the death. Hang on, Wesley, hang on you. Hang on you. Or a ma or anything one that we can call on. Oh, yeah, you can call my mom I pa you can call on my brother my brother John my brother Jeb my sister Jenny you can call on my I'm so sorry to interrupt wait. Look so your siblings names all start with a J Those are those no those are all siblings ma and pa Jeb, Ja.

Oh. Yeah, I wasn't done. I skipped a cousin because I was going in chronological order of the 17 kids who what's all living a barn together. That's a bushel. It is a bushel. All of us Apple snatches living together

under one raised roof. Is D.M. a brother named Jack by chance? Nope. He would have been with the J's before I got to the toss. Yeah. And then we got we got a we got a Rex, a Susafa, a Windella, a whizzla, and a Xavier. Now people don't know this but Susafa's nameduzz named after a Sussi Foun, which is a pretty cool thing to me named after. Okay, just because you have a crush on them. Well, it's not my fault if there's straight up walking around with washboard abs all the time. What am I supposed to do with that?

Why is there shirt cropped so high? We ran out of fabric. Shoulders and nips, nothing below it. We ran out of fabric. It's true to just like shoulders and nips. Nothing below it. We all want to go shapes. We all want to crochet and we ran out of material. So you know, we all have crop tops and short shorts. Can I also recommend, I'm a horse,

so I don't really wear shirts, but I've also seen people where they'll take a shirt and they'll shoot it full of bullet holes, and then they'll wear that and almost gives like a mesh look to it. It's really cool. That is cool. Tornalene can I ask, what's your relationship with your parents?

I have no idea where they are. Oh. That's how we what? They went off and they took wagons to sell wagons and some other territory and they said, this one's for you, Tornalene. And I said, that's right it is. And if you ever show your face back in here,

I'll run you out of town. Cause this is where I sell wagons, mom and dad. That's my mother's name. My father, dad and mom, is in a different territory entirely. But yeah, that's the thing about people that sell wagons is like we're pretty territorial. You don't get a lot of wagon salesmen

overlapping with other wagons. Sales people sales people excuse me I'm a woman. Yeah that's just like apple snatches can be an abusherl in a barrel in a barn. Oh no wagging teams they are putting the eye back in team only one in this. That's right. We spell wagon team. TII there's two eyes in it and they're above me. Wagon Tim. Wagon time. Time. Every town only has one wagon team. So listen, let's talk brass tax, which are very expensive. I don't have any of those. I do have a feet. Oh really? Yeah. They keep my shoes on oh They use the brass yeah, huh? You need to get reshoot probably yeah, you need you need to get shoot properly with some with some nails there son

Huh, let's see. Oh, what were you saying? Tormally I was saying what's it gonna take to get you bad boys? I don't want of these bad ass lions Well, I have managed throughout my long and illustrious clears an outlaw who does good wherever he does go to save $12. OK. $12. I mean, you had a job. You were rich.

Who ate $12, man? Yeah. Oh, my. That's like the Saturdays here. I was like, it's snatched. Well, I would like to donate one of those dollars That's like the Saturdays here. Apple's like a snatch. That's right. Well, I would like to donate one of those dollars to the fund for getting Whizzle out of the well.

I don't like that fund. I can do it on my own. You can't do it on your own. Have you got to do it on your own? Give it out of the well right now. Maybe you could the fund just be money that's there for you to snatch when you get out of the well So it's motivation like look at this huge pile of money people put here that you can have if you get your stuff out of the well

I put an apple up on the ram of this one. I said don't you want to snatch it? Wasn't the same if it's not on a tree or in a pie and someone's windowsill He was I have this rope tied around the middle of my body here, and I tossed the other end to you. Do you mind biting into it just to make sure it's a real rope? Because I've been fooled before with chocolate ropes. A chocolate rope? Well, that sounds like a treat.

Seems like it's good out of the way for you. All right. Hope. Trap, trot, trot, trot, trot. Did I pull her out? Well, yeah, she's flying to the air right now. She's lost a lot of weight. Whoa!

Hold on, put the table over the well before she falls directly back down into it. Okay, everyone grab a part of the table. No, too slow, she's back in the well. Too slow. How did you perfectly land back in there? Because she went straight up. That's the physics of a rope that was over the edge of a well I don't know physics I have a rudimentary understanding of physics and that shouldn't work that way

But somehow it did he doesn't can I be honest if we were faster we could do it again because she's very hungry and Definitely won't remember what just happened. I was a fear to make come to this though if the rope trick ain't gonna work I'm a fear that I'm gonna have to murder that well. Oh, you'll see how does how does he like to hear more about that would work. Well, I assume that if I challenge the well to a gunfight it's honorable require it to meet me and then when I shoot it dead, it will spit whizz out Huh, huh Doesn't it kind of turn as your legacy to tell people you killed a well? Not if the well was keeping a nice young lady

Trapped down in it. I can't stress this enough. The lady is keeping the lady trapped on the wall But if you need to paint history in such a way that this works for you, go for it. But look at that. Wait, wait, wait. I'm just like, I'm not, I'm also a little hung up on. If you kill the whale, who's to say I'll be whale, like won't the whale and I die as one? I feel very fierce to the- Yeah, I think that's a decent possibility. I feel very fierce to this whale at this point.

Well, damnation! I suppose I cannot murder this well then Well damn nation indeed. I'm gonna make you a deal. This is six dollars Seven wagon. Yeah Sorry, I just said sell that wagon. Yeah, no You know she's take that deal you could run it out for two hours and make your money back. She was charging $3 an hour. Not for this wagon, this wagon's a special wagon. Wow.

This is a wagon that I recently acquired in the circle game. You may say, hold on, this wagon looks pretty flat. And I'm going to have to ask you not to walk around to the back of this wagon. I need you to trust me that this is a wagon. I'm not a standee painted to look like a wagon. I have no reason to believe that it would be a standee painted as such.

I've ever reasoned to believe you, Tormeline. You seem like an upstanding young lady. And here are your six dollars. And I throw that back on the ground. What is wrong with you? Don't you know to kick the tire rim when you're buying a wagon? Oh, wait, the back half of the wagon just says rest of wagon is written on it. Oh, no. I had sexual feelings for that wagon. And it turns out it's not real.

What the what? Wagon screech what? You know what I'm proud of you, Tourmaline, because everyone knows to be the wagon team of a wagon town. You can't just sell wagons to stupid dumb dumbs who don't know it's just a standee. I can't get a reputation as someone who's some sort of selling lemon wagons. You guys know what a lemon wagon is? Wagonful lemons? Almost. Then there's people who paint a lemon tree to look like a wagon and sell. And then when people try to drive it away they realize

that the tree is extremely rooted in the ground. Unbelievable. So they can do that purely by painting it. Yeah. It's a real at depth? Now, if you buy wagons at wagons of orange, you'll never get a lemon. No, you won't get a lemon. Oh, and I got an 11? At wagons of orange. That's right. So, here's your $6 bag. Thank you very much, ma'am.

And you can have this wagon, this flat one, if you want Arnie, because now I look at it and it feels dirty to me, because of whatever you were gonna do with it. No, I'm not gonna do anything weird with it, but I will take it. Okay. So we're gonna buy a wagon or we're gonna get my friend out of the well

or what, what are we feeling like today? We'll turn my mom afraid. We have to take a quick break and then maybe after that we can try and fling her in the air again. From what? Um, Arnie for what? Yeah, what are we taking a break? Why are we taking a break? Why are we taking a break?

Life, life's for the living. Well, this conversation we're having is going to be transmitted to my world and people are going to listen to it but there need to be breaks So that they can be Well, they listen to ads or they try to skip past the cuz of a union you have to take breaks Yeah, let's say yeah What do you think? You'll see, is... What do you think?

We're putting a lot of energy in to try to save this girl, but I don't know if she wants to be saved. That's what I'm saying. I'm afraid Miss Tormley may be correct in that Miss Whizzler just wants to stay where she is, and we have to honor and trust that she knows how best to lead her own life. She definitely does it, but I think we have to let her do it anyway.

Well, Tormeline, you're one to talk. Young lady, you're in love with a man with washboard abs. You ain't following that dream. I'm not in love with them. I just want to smash his bones so hard. Then smash away. I can't. He's always stealing stuff and running away real fast.

And that's just bad apple snatching. You're supposed to engage in conversation. It's an icebreaker. Oh, you send that brother a mind over here and I'll give him what for. I feel like he's like doesn't like me or something. Who could not like you? Yeah, exactly. Who wouldn't like you? If you want, I could shoot off one of his toes. Wow, wow. Because you're not only because I think that would actually accomplish what I'm looking for, but also... ...and do not do not shame me for what I'm about to say. I like his feet. I like his feet just the way they are.

Oh yeah. One time we were in the swimming hole and normally was like, damn, let me peep those feet. Yeah, I'd already spent all day peeping his abs. So did he have to do a handstand in the swimming hole? No, he was just doing that thing where he floats on his back and only his abs and toes right on the water. Oh my gosh. He was still wearing a little... Wait, where was his face? Also out of the water. Oh, okay. Yeah, can you picture someone floating on their back? Wow, I did not expect that to get that response. Sometimes with grownups, you have to tell them every single part for them to understand, Tomelie.

She's wish, yeah, okay. You know, it's just like, you gotta wonder how far do you gotta go? How far do you gotta go? Well? Well, how far do you gotta go? Oh, gotta go well? Well, how far do you gotta go down the street? Oh, no well How far are you? I'll go far and you got a wagon and it's a coming down the track Man, I hope it's coming for me. I hope it's got mail on it. Oh, mail. That's something I miss come on get your mail

It's piled up. It's right here actually. Oh, I have an idea. Whisley, let's put a sugar cube in your hand. And then let me look at your cube and that should stimulate your nerves. Oh, to bring feeling back into my arms. Uh-huh.

Okay. How do you start a propose? Okay, I'll try it. Okay, I'll try it. Okay, I'll try it. Okay, keep your hand flat. Oh, almost got a finger. Why don't all of champs plans involve him eating a sugar cube? Yeah, I feel like this is just a very quickly constructed

risk for him to eat a sugar cube, which he also has. Like, he produced the sugar cube. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Look at her good. Woo! Woo! Woo! Oh, right back in there. I thought we were going to have water for the first time in a while.

But I did get a cool idea of trying a string to a big, flappy thing and flying it around. And I'll call it. A cat? Whizla, what did you say? I was, a cat? Yeah, I'll call it a cat. What kind of fucking name is that?

Explain yourself. Well, I was thinking, oh boy, it's high. So I was thinking. That's where the eye comes from. That's where the eye comes from. Okay, I'm not really like to catch hot so that's where the eye comes from I really like to catch What that's where the cuss down comes all right? You're responsible for one fourth so far the other thing is all right Okay, now you have three fourths of it and now the K because you got to catch it. Yeah, you got to catch it Makes perfect sense. I'm so that's what K for catch

Can I just say that I inferred all that the moment you said, Kat? Thank you. Thank you, Lizzie. Not enough explanations of words are presented out of order. Huh? Never mind.

Arnie, explain yourself. Please, please do. Please do. The cuss sound was last, but it's the beginning of the word. Right, but that's the order you do the things right? Yeah, Arnie the way they explain it the last thing you do is catch it Right, so why would you do K first if you're catching it last? It has to get away from you to catch it But then it would be called an ache Arnie does a circle have a beginning or an end?

You had to catch it to let it fly and then you got to catch it again Wherever the cake goes there you are and that can be crow shaved beginning or an end, you had to catch it to let it fly, and then you got to catch it again. Wherever the cake goes, there you are. And that can be crows shaved. I can't tell if she's being wise or if she's slowly going mad from only eating well mushrooms for the last eight months. Hi y'all, can I tell you a secret?

You know, I, one of the things I love about being in the well is sometimes people whisper their secrets and wishes and dirty laundry, and I get to hear it and And give them some advice or give them some feedback I think I've been a ghost for months already That sort of explains why huh why I'm translucent and why I can float real high Why the wind done whipped me out? Yeah, that's why that explains why the sugar cube fell to the bottom of the well,

and yet I still went slip, slip, slurp. Huh. That explains why part of the time you were like backwards and your arms were doing a thing that they should be able to do. Yeah, that explains why you've been in a well for eight months and still can talk. Right. After only eating mushrooms and malsa and bits of bread bits and point at. Right, and those mushrooms and pressure our poison is so

probably you ate that kill and time and yeah and now I am a ghost. Well this is a huge bummer for me girl. Let me float on up. Whoa. Wow. Oh I thought maybe she might be trapped in the well like she has to just keep haunting the well but no she can get out. It explains that skeleton that was right underneath her too.

Oh yeah. Dress just like that. I was about to ask about that. I was like you put your old dress on a skeleton, your old sun dress. And then set yourself a new one. Well I couldn't see it before because ghost is in the way. Well your fam is going to be awful sad about it. Oh yeah can we tell mom pot well actually there's all this mail that built up.

Let's open one of the letters. So you might have inferred that you died. Let's check the first letter here. Yeah, let's have the horse open the letter. Yeah, open the letter, horse. Okay, got a paper cut on my tongue. Dear Wisla, you've been gone for a whole 24 hours. We'll assume you're dead.

Love, mom, and Pa. Oh. Now, was that my mom, mom pa or my brother and sister? Or was that my mom, mom, and pa? It just says M-A-P-A and there's no space in between. Ma pa? Oh no, that's Mayor Pa pa pa pa pa pa. Kinko.

Oh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Well the mayor knows you're dead, so he's surely informed your family. Oh, he's my betrothed! Yeah, not anymore friends, sorry. Oh no.

That's a bummer too, you're gonna live in a big mansion. Maybe he's still can. Wisla pop pop pop puchingco, that would have had such a nice ring to it. You should go for him girl, he's a catch. If you're only into my brother for his looks. Yeah, do you think your brother would be okay being a side piece? Oh yeah. Okay, then yeah I think I will. Thank you for your permission. Of course girl. But also I don't know if I want to get tied down so soon.

Sure. We've got all these wagons to sell. Yeah. So some wagons. I guess I don't have a whole lot about my personality other than I'm a teen. I like to sell wagons. I feel like maybe if I like lived a little bit more I could discover more about me. Maybe one of the things that I also am. I'm a mayor's wife. Is that a good character trait?

The wife of a different person. Is that good? This wagon you tried to sell me earlier, you said I had a six mayor capacity. Well, normal wagons have a six-mayor capacity. Well, normal wagons have a six-mayor capacity for mayors and they're retinue. Oh, it's amazing. You could be in that retinue girl, but I don't think that's the same as a personality. Here in some of my dying days, which I'm unclear when they were, I crocheted this for you.

Oh my god. Really? Yeah, and it says, I feel it in my bones. Are you feeling it in my bones? Welcome to the something I ran out of chrome. That's okay. That's a sweet Arnie. I'm going to say new age. Yeah. Welcome to your new age because you're waking up. You're waking up, but I think I was feeling something in my bones, which was poison. Oh yeah, poison will get you in the mouth.

That poison goes straight to the mouth. Do you ever kill someone with poison ulysses, or do you only have a shoot them with guns? I've only ever shot a man with a gun for duet of rungs. Do you ever duel a man with a gun for duper rungs. Do you ever duel a man with a sword? I once did have a sword and a man was approaching me with a sword when I realized I had a gun so I just shot him. I wasn't feeling very good that day. Does drawing your weapon a lot like...

does it take a lot of like strength to do it? Strength? Like you're probably pretty strong, right? Like you probably have like a bunch of abs, right? Yeah, you look He's open up here You can screw your shirt on that washboard All right, and here like a sugar cube on there and right. Oh, yeah, they're pretty And so like those boots those are pretty old right you've walked around in those a long time. Oh, yeah, these are the oldest

You probably should take them off for once in a while, right? Okay, yeah, it probably helped me get my toes breathed a little, yeah, certainly. Wait, I would take off your armadillo socks. There we go, there we go, ah, socks off. Ah, there, there you are. I'm good now.

Can I say that I feel like, and tell me if anyone else felt this but for a moment then I was just like to pervert somewhere else for really enjoying what was happening. Ony, they're on to us. Just got a vibe. Hey, already you sir, come here. What are you hiding in this tumbleweed for? Uh, well we didn't want to disturb you. You seemed like you were involved in meeting this ghost and you know we just didn't want to disturb you. You seemed like you were involved in meeting this ghost. And you know, we just didn't want to insult ourselves.

Those are the perv bushes. They're for parvin only. Oh no. There's a sign right next to it. That explains all the weird stuff we found back there. Hey, I was waiting in line like everybody else. Sorry, man. These perv will be out of your way in no time. Thank you! You said, or you're a wizard from another world. Can you bring Whistle back to life? Do that real quick. Oh, oh, oh! Or could you give me one better magic man from the purf bushes?

Could you turn me into a wind spirit? Well, I believe I could if that's what you truly wish wait you're a magic man from another world Yes, I am sorry. I didn't introduce everyone around yeah, this is a formerly in the used-odore Arnie Arnie We yeah, everyone met everyone. Yeah, I'm a non-magic man from another world But actually before that I was from another world. Oh, hey, I see this in your cargo packet Can I just I'm sorry? I just got to snatch this apple real quick. Oh Audience you've lost your apple I snatched your apple Well, I suppose whizisla, if you close your ectoplasmic eyes,

and think about the wind, should you just call the wise, I'm sure. Breathe in the wind into what used to be your lungs. Yes, inherit the wind. The men outher at the wind. Now name the wind. Now say the name of the wind. The men out here at the wind. Now name the winds. Now say the name of the wind. Think of all the wishes that have been brought to you while you lived in the well.

So many. And now, make a wish for yourself. That I'm a windspirit. Oh, shoot. Well, if you said it is, you can't know. I guess a ghost can be a conno-win spirit. I'll just kind of feel this out. My favorite thing about imagining being a wind spirit is that I could travel on the wind, and I bet a ghost can still be that. Oh, and I can help fly your cut.

Oh, thanks, I love that. That kite's gonna help me marry the mayor and shock up with your brother and sell these wagons. Oh, we can put words on the kite and fly it around. Ooh, and you know what mayor's love is a key to the city. So tie a key to the city at the end of your kite and you'll be sure to catch him. Okay.

Wow, this is wild, and I don't know, I don't know if this is the kind of information that I should share or not, but from the world that I used to work with, Magic Man, and I came from, there are versions of both of you. Tournament, in that world, you're a dragon team, not a wagon team.

A dragon team, what's that even though? Aren't those, it makes sense. Yeah, now they think about it. Like a big,-breathing lizard thing Yes, exactly loves hards of gold right? Yeah, I got that bitches number. We're the same I'd be totally like that if I could and whizzle in that world you are windsprite. I knew it I knew it. That's obviously why I wanted it, you know, I must be close to that, you know death must put me close to my other pass That's obviously why I wanted it. You know, I must be close to that, you know, death must put me close to my other past. That's cool!

That's cool! No girl, just close to gold! and have chanted another person of you, but yet that seems to be no equivalent to the great and powerful usador. Yousador, Arnie, he doesn't see it. Yeah, Elysses, what do you see when you look at this magic man? I see a handsome fella in a dress that, yeah, pulled your dress. Oh yes, here, there we, Oh, it's already there actually.

Tamp, get him around. Tamp, get him around. Tamp, put that here. Yeah, yeah's already champ. Get around here. Put that here. You can scrub a shirt on that. No, take my boots off here real quick. So you can see these glossy, beautiful toes. Oh, man, I think they're right time to get in line. They're pretty, pretty bush. Big heck. No shotty from the pervert

who caught in front of Kelly's mom. Well, I'm out of here. Back in the day, the pervert bush used to be quiet. People would just pervert, keep it themselves. That guy came so loud. All about people knowing they're in the pervert bush. It's really too much. It's not too fast-passed, you gotta believe me.

Is there room we can let or something? It was quite a bit of travel to get here. I think you said, or you're gonna have to stay here at least another week. You could stay in the bottom of the well if you want to, but I got to tell you. You could buy a wagon and stay beside it. My skeleton there.

Or you could sleep in the well with whizzless skeleton. But don't, because you're not gonna be able to get back out, even if you think you can do it on your own. That's true You can sleep in this wagon if you want or I'm sure you could go back into the saloon at the bridge sure they have rooms there Yeah, maybe yeah, I'll try to get a real room I think well, I think I'm going to get a wagon Would these six gold pieces be enough? Yes Now this is a man who knows how to buy a wagon. Okay, do you need any instructions?

Or you sort of know what's up? It's wood with a cloth covering that gets pulled by horses. Yep, that's the bonnet. That's uh-huh. Yeah horses pull it. Do you have any horses? When I have a friend who's a horse me Every time. Moving and wagons, that's all I get asked to do. Don't become a horse. It's really a wistful version of the theme, isn't it? Makes me a little sad, although that might be the episode itself. Probably a little bit of both.

User of the blue and Ulysses Dilemore were played by Math Young. Champ the Talking Horse was played by Adolf Reffire. Tormelene, Wagonteen, and Whizzler Abblesnatch were played by Special guest Zacharyno and Jess McKemma. Check out their delightful podcast Off Book, where they fully improvise a new musical each episode. And if you want to hear more Zach Reno, follow around any disinterested teen in your neighborhood and realize that's close enough.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by Patreon supporters like Drew, Josh Nicholson, Shitty, the entitled House Elf, Poppy Corn, Luke Bovard, Sarah Lulow, Timothy Jansen, Corey, Julia Dunlap, Nozzie Sitcom neighbor, Steven and Cindy, Bri, Mitch Kennedy Smith, James Thorby, Andrew Cook from Austin, Texas. Oh well, some day we'll get the support of Andrew Cook from Austin, Delaware. Dan Hutchins, Dave Renalo, Joe Chavez, Forest D, and Charles in Minnesota. A universe away from Andrew Cook in Austin, Texas. Patreon supporters get ad-free versions of new episodes,

the entire back catalog of previous seasons, and all of the spin-off series, like offices and bosses, I am spin-tax and behind the tavern, plus two completely new bonus episodes each month. Sometimes I offer a preview of these bonus episodes, but I'm not going to this time. To learn more about all the other bonus content, go to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arneanie Camp, Matt Young and Adel Raffaia, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Huh, we're gonna leave the credit in there even while he's on vacation, okay? This episode edited by Chris Rathchin Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by

Aller Laban Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland Cowboy World version of the theme by Eric Chikofan world version of the theme by Eric Chikovic.