Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 33 - Cowboy World: Miss Quibbert Returns

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

Arnie, Ulysses, and Champ get reacquainted with Miss Quibbert who arrives with some shocking news.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChamp the Horse: Adal RifaiUlysses the Cowboy: Matt YoungMiss Quibbert: Sarah ShockeyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandAdditional Music: Aric JacoverYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And in today's episode, we're still in the parallel, parallel, fake dimension cowboy world. So whatever you're being punished for, apparently you haven't quite learned your lesson. Remember, cowboy world contains a counterpart to each of our beloved familiar heroes. But don't worry, they still have all the idiosyncrasies you've come to love, and inability to listen, a wandering accent, a...being arny. But don't take my word for it. After all, your approval means nothing to me.

Sit back and enjoy the show. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. So Elysees, thank you so much for letting us stay here while we're in your weird cowboy world. What do you mean by weird? Well, you know, I'm from a regular earth and I've spent the last time in the world. If you got a problem with me, son, you're gonna have to pull your gun and face me in a gun singing fat.

Oh shit, I'm so, I'm sorry. And it's totally not- Cause I'm an outlaw. I'm an outlaw and I don't take no guff. But I've got a heart of gold. I believe that you do. People with guns who say they have a heart of gold are always really responsible. I've been spending the last seven and a half years with a version of you that's a wizard that I can really just make fun of and shit on. Look that guy, that guy

ain't me. That's true. We have yet to find whatever parallel per version of me makes this in your world, while that, I think there's clearly an Arnie and another Arnie, and there was clear them, folks last week, there was what was the same as what you said, but I'm clearly not that fellow that has accompanied you into this world. You look at these, that is, you sit or is you? Look over there, look over there. I do not think so.

Right now he's talking to the cowboy world version of me, and they're having pretty much the same conversation. I don't think so. I think I'm quite a different individual than Ulysses. When you think about it, we don't even sound like really. We have different names. Arnie, you've got the same name as Arnie. Look, I'm not going to argue with you, but you seem like exactly the same. You just seem like a magic version of Elysses. I mean, he can't do magic at all! What sort of idiot can't do magic? No one can do magic in this world. It's the Root and Tut and Cowboy world.

Root and Tut? Speaking of usage, or can I ask you if there's parallel versions in your world that you call Foon, do you have some sort of equal to a guy named John Bovy? He writes on a steel horse and he's wanted alive or dead. Well, there's of course the great knight, John Bove. Oh, that sounds like a cow, is he a cow? No, he has a kind of armor that gets slippery when it's wet.

Oh, yeah, that'd be hard to fight against. a- kind of armor that gets slippery when it's wet. Oh. Yeah, that'd be hard to fight against. You go to grapple with them and you slide her off. That's right. And he just gets better looking. Look, uh, magic eulisies, uh, you- you said or, right? Yes. I'm so sorry. Uh, I- it's been a- it's been a treat talking to you and the other me. Uh, but we have to start our podcast.

You know, we have a regular schedule. So do you mind maybe, I'm sorry, I'll fuck right off. Yeah, we'll go sit over there and we'll take notes or something for you. Maybe we'll do an after show or something. Is that something you sort of wish you consider doing? Probably not. Oh, hey, I should interject here.

Here at the Burger King Bronco, we do have tonight, there's a deaf comedy leopard. Just gonna be coming to the stage, telling some jokes and stuff. So you can't stick around and record. Oh, good. Sorry to shut that though. Oh, that's okay, no.

I don't really seem like that, do I? Seem like what? To like that other fella? Like that other Arnie. Like, clearly, that's another me. We look similar. And I'm sorry, which Arnie. Like clearly that's another me, we look similar. And I'm sorry, which Arnie is talking to me right now? Champ.

I'm the Arnie that you've known for over seven years. Right, right, right. Yeah, sorry. Listen to me do my very distinct opening to this podcast that will prove that it's joking. Okay, okay, okay, okay. No way like anyone else. And you better get it all exactly right.

Stop pointing a gun at me, Ulysses. It does not help. All right. Hello from a gun at me, Ulysses. It does not help. All right. Hello from the Dusty Saloon. A weekly podcast from the Wild West Root and Doom World of High Foon. I'm your host, Arne Neacamp. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Golden Corral in Cicero, Illinois, into the old Western cowboy world of high foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Golden Corral, through the dimensional riff, and I use my rudimentary understanding of science to build this hand crank that supplies electricity to my laptop, so I'm able to record this podcast in the saloon, the burgundy bronco, and the town of hogswood, and the land of high fune, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Champ the Talking Horse. Hmm, how do you partner? You listen, did he get it all right? Ah, yes, he certainly did. I believe he has passed the test and he is one of our very own.

Okay, let's say, let's the three of us, let me pull this out of my saddle. It's hard to reach back there when you're a horse. Ah, okay, in my saddle bag, I bought us three red ascots. Now tie this around your neck and this will differentiate us from these parallel people. I mean, I know there's no parallel to me. I'm just the one fucking horse in town. But let's all wear these red ascots. Wait, why do we have to be the ones that have to add something to our outfits? Like, shouldn't they wear the ascots?

That was my initial thought, but then I thought the guy in the blue robes would look pretty tacky with a red ascot. Yeah, does that make sense? It just looks bad. I do look good in red. You look great in red, aren't you? Joking champ. The other day, when you sliced your finger open on that broken bottle, I was like, already looks great today, what's different?

And then I realized you were just bleeding. That's how good it looks on you. You know, I don't wear a lot of color because I'm wearing this priest outfit that I guess start wearing after Father Blummish died. And I guess it's, it's, it's, it's sort of took on his mantle as the fake priest of the town. Did you happen to learn anything about being a priest? Like could you pass the smell test?

Meaning priest smell a certain way. Oh yeah, then yes. Yeah, I'll under present smell me. Yeah, a hundred presents. Smell me. Ooh, champ, why is youth only horse in town? You know what? I honestly don't know. It might have something to do with every single person my family died from consumption,

which I currently am afflicted by, or it could just be that this land is inhospitable to horses, except for me, because I can talk and barter and trade and earn money. Yeah, for new listeners or listeners that maybe haven't checked in with the podcast in the last few years, we've gone through a couple of champs. Unfortunately, most of them have died of consumption. It's damn shame. One or two of them broke their legs and we had to put down. One drowned in quicksand. Yeah, that happened over the course of four episodes. Just heartbreaking. I

Can't believe you guys still kept recording with them. Well, I can't look and like we're gonna turn it around there Yeah, yeah, I'm not mad. I'm not mad. Eulissies. How have you been this week? Well, I've been I've been hiding from them damn Pinkertons and I've been rotten wrongs whenever I see him. Oh, and I'm so sorry, Ulysses. I didn't give you a chance to do your introduction. YEEEH! I'm your Lysix Delemore. While this gunsling in our law, you ever met one in 17 counties, yet known...

...Bronett dead or alive. Yeah, I smack myself on the ass. Yet I happen to be known for my bravery and noble heart by those that ain't trying what to manipulate me. The indigenous people from which we did steal this land know me as dances with lots and shadows. The Spanish know me as Mastro del Chaos. And I'm known by those dull-gurmed

Pinkertens in the Nor East. Green Elba. Magic Jack Star. What'd you say? I said, green Elba but I was just trying something. I didn't care for that one bit. It was a bit of a weezer. Oh, is someone old?

Yeah, there's a joke that only a really old people get. Weezer's new excitement. Weezelow was on the show last week, Arnold. I know, how's Weezel doing now that she realizes she's a ghost. Just fun. Happy as a clam, a ghost living in a well, just where a ghost ghosts meant to live.

Hey, I'm very excited we're back in Hogswood. And we're not the only person that's recently returned to Hogswood after a long time away. Our guest is Miss Quipper, who we haven't seen in years and years. Evening, man. How? Do you see me come in earlier on the Sloan Doors? I just want to make sure you saw me. so I just went out and came back in and just let him flat behind me. How are y'all doing with your little red-ass scots? Cute! Cute! Cute! Cute! Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. See, guys, it's working. Thank you so much.

Thank you to you, ma'am. No problem. You got some kind of drink situation here. Should I order something myself or do you have a tab open? What's the deal? Are we going to the gentleman? Are we gonna be gentlemen? Of course whiskey here for Miss Quiver. Oh, thank you. I'll have a sasperilla. Can I get a side of coke? Conolio What was that again? Cocanolio. That's what they make in high-foon. It's a Barley-based soft drink that goes great with whiskey and has a little bit of a taste that you feel like

you're not supposed to be drinking it. Maybe you could be washing your clothes with it, but you know, it grows on you. A coconut, a coconut-li-a bartender, and a sasperilla for the person. And can I get some frozen carrot juice? I'll just look at that for a little bit. And some frozen carrot juice for the horse.

Aw. Well, I have a name. I called him the person. Yeah. What am I the girl? No, you're, how would you like to be addressed? We don't want to insult you. I don't know.

Just, you know, mysterious maiden. I mean, a misquibbert, not Miz. Air to a sex robot fortune. You know, my father makes the most beautiful steam powered and crank hand turn sex robots that this town has ever seen. And if you look at the data, and this is the wild, wild, high-foon West, so you're not going to get real data analytics. But I think that morale has been up, crime has been medium.

And I think, honestly, I think if Baron Solomon had a little time with one of the robots, he might not be so tight-gripped on this old town, making everybody miserable. Can I just ask, steam-powered makes me think, am I, would I burn my dog? Well, we have the steam chambers mostly in the feet and head, but they're so little.

Well, so I burn my dog. Well, so I burn my dog. I don't 100% burn my dog. It depends on what you know, we have the steam chambers mostly in the feet and head. But well, so I burn my dog. I don't know. I'm a percent burned by dog. It depends on what you like. And there's different, you know, because he'll do custom ones. But what he will never do is make a robot that will not have sex because that is immoral and rude to both the robots and the purchasers of such pleasures. I mean, why are we trying to tank pleasure?

It gets me so proud of that. Oh, a tank pleasure. Now I am thinking of a tank pleasure. Yeah, and that's one of the many things we offer. We have feather-tickler fingers. That's one of the new lines. I can't believe I'm saying this again, but champ jumped on that tank pleasure

faster than anyone else could. Quick on the drop. Taint much but their special robots're working on jangles. Some more saloonie tunes. Saloonie tunes, absolutely. So Miss Quibbert, I apologize. I've sort of fallen behind on keeping up with what's going on.

You haven't heard the ballad that was going around? There were a couple of years I was like, what is the secret of the steam powered sex robots? But then eventually I sort of stopped paying attention. And sometimes even surprised, those steam-powered sex robots, that's still a thing. I thought that would be over by now. I was like, what's going on with your dad?

You must have a healthy personal life with one of your hands or something else because these steam-powered sex robots have exploded on the scene. To the point where, I don't know if you notice, but that table over, there's three of them, and they're just having a drink to one one because they're able to make friends now as long as they get the steam and the crank.

They have enough power for, you know, a fuck and a hangout. Can I just say I did have a friend of mine who got hurt when one exploded. I guess the sex robots are just very, very condescending in that they're filled with condensation from all the steam and that gets on the wires and they explode They're condescending and we did take that to heart and we did have a sex still meant where we paid off anybody who was injured And there were a couple people who died and what we did as you know my daddy runs a really good company And we chased down the spirits of all those dead people, animals, beings, and we made sure to give them a really nice little ceremony that sort of gave them the option to try again

in the afterlife or have a coupon for if they, you know, return in reincarnated times. They'll have a coupon stamped on their soul and they can have a free sex robot when they come back. Because that's just what we believe in. That's just what we think is right. If they're dead, it's almost a recoup on. Yeah, it's a recoup on. Cause when you're dead, you're cool.

But people don't promote that. And we actually, the Baron almost shut us down when we were putting flyers around saying, if you die, we will let you have a special time in the afterlife, cause apparently we couldn't prove it. So it sounds like there's some kind of beef between Solomon Rangu. There's a whole ranch at cows between us.

And he's the railroad barren. Seems to have a lot of power in this area. Yeah, well, it seems like he doesn't have a lot of power in some other areas because maybe if you could just for once let loose and come inside a sex robot, maybe he wouldn't be so ding-dang meand all of us. That sentence took a real turn, and I wasn't expecting halfway through.

Well, what do you expect from a lady wearing a red dress with her tits up to her chin? I'm dirty now. Yeah, and you seem like you've been through a lot in the last few years. You're a little tougher and more rugged than the last one. I'm kind of leathery, right? I've been not avoidin' the sun,

but I've been drinkin' about the same amount of water. So on some days, I am crackly smackly, but I think it's kind of fun, you know? I think I look a little bit like a, like a fuckable tumbleweed in a red dress. You keep accidentally looking your nipples when you talk. Yeah, it's not an accident, actually. It's what I like to do.

Why would you avoid the sun? Well, for years I avoided the sun because I was told, misquipper, if you want to be a little school marman, you want to behave and you want to have a normal daddy that don't make steam-powered sex robots, you stay inside and you do little embroidery projects and try to beef up the men through the window

when they come by, winking at them, hailey. And I said, you know what? Wait, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt. Already, you've never heard the phrase beef up the men through the window when they come by winking at them paley. And I said, you know what? You wait, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt. Arnie, you've never heard the phrase beef up the men. Beef up the men through the window. Beef up the men. We're raised to beef up the men through the window because that's what they don't wanna talk to you.

They don't wanna actually hear what it's like in your experience as a woman in the wild, wild west, they just want you to wink and smile through the window and they can go home and think about it. But I'm through with that. I'm living life now. Yeah, Arnie. It's a metaphor and a literal thing Okay, I think the phrase was originated by teeny Tim. Do you know teeny Tim? Oh, I love teeny Tim I'm in through the through the window

You never heard that saying Arnie? No, I have it He always comes to town and he always sings his little wee tiny song. They're so tiny. You know, honestly, I think if the Baron could meet Teenie Little Tim, maybe in conjunction with some other recently dead spirits from, you know, sex robots, maybe something at change. Mm-hmm. But maybe the change has to come from somewhere else.

So Miss Quibbert speaking of change, you know, we're all I'm a much different person than I probably was seven years ago. You look exactly the same. Really? Well, except for the mascot. Well, yeah, the mascot's really nice little pop of color. Underneath the mascot is wearing a the color of a man of the cloth. Arnie, I'm going to start calling you pop of color. Hey man of the cloth. Arnie, I'm gonna start calling you Papa Color. Hey Papa Color. Aww. Papa Color, that'd be Papa Color. No, okay.

I think the best thing you did for yourself was putting on a red ascot. That's the best thing you've done in seven years. Wow. Oh, thank you. In my opinion, because I don't have the perspective of your comrades here. You just call us comrades.

I called you whatever you want to be called. Uh, well, uh, Miss Quibbert will catch you up on all Arnie's doing during this here break. Look, Miss Quibbert, I'm not judging anything. You know, I spent the last week having sex with a fake wagon standee, so, you know. I just, do you want like a coupon or a recoupon or something? No, I'm okay, but thank you so much. I'm just happy to see you. You know, it's good to see old friends.

Arnie, I had to pick splinters out of your dick for three days, and honestly, I'm just happy for you. I'm happy you found someone. Well, you're a good friend. You're a good friend and a good priest. I think we covered everything that Arnie has done and he's transpired in these last years. You shared more than I was expecting you to

and yet I still feel like I know exactly the same amount about you. Yeah, I guess I didn't talk about, spent a few years thinking I should do cowboy world justice and became a little bit of a gunslinger. But then I decided to swear that off and now I'm a man of peace and not a man of war. I'll lost Spider-Man.

You also spent those three months where you just were sleeping with a wolf, trying to commune with a wolf? There's nothing sexual about it. It was just like, I'm going gonna sleep outside next to this wolf. Well, it was a respect thing, I would imagine. You know, you gain each other's respect. Yeah, and I gotta be clear, the way that Ulysses said it made it sound weird.

It was purely platonic. My relationship with the wolf was in no way like my relationship with that fake wagon standee. Platonic, is that some sort of metal? Yeah, I've got a rudimentary understanding of metallurgy. I mean, I think it's pretty metal to spend a night out in the woods with a wolf. Very metal. And Arnie, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you had a metal allergy. I will try and keep my bits away from you.

Yeah, please. You walked right into that one, champ. Yeah, yeah, I hear it now. I hear it now. So, Miss Quibbert, I guess what I was asking before was, what's caused this change in you? I found that I was sick of playing by everybody else's rules. And the moment I started making my own rules, well, you know what they say,

the brighter you build that bonfire, the more darkness you find. And I found some darkness in Baron Solomon. And he's a dark rainy ominous cloud over this town and I'm fixing to make the sun come out so maybe we can have one rainbow for the first time in years. Wow, I think we're all mad at Solomon Ragnar. He's the reason that my father is not making sex robots from this here realm. But I'm doing all these robot designs myself

and yes, people are exploding. But once the Baron's gone, I will be able to make the perfect sex robots. We are so close to a utopia, and yet there is a barricade of darkness, a barricade of darkness that I intend to blast out with my shining lights. Even if those lights are too headlamps with my nipples, I keep licking.

Can I just say, wow, what an impassioned, empowering speech. That got me so amped up that I'm actually gonna, ooh, okay, I'm gonna do it. Guys, excuse me for one moment, I'm gonna go over to that table of three sex robots and I'm gonna make a move. I'll be right back.

Good luck. Okay, let me just walk over here. Okay, let me, let me, let me just walk over here. Okay, let me, let me santa, should I try to, no, let me santa, santa, santa, santa. Hello, sex robots. Hello. Hi. Hi. Okay. How are you three robots doing, sex robots doing today? What do I call you? Do you have names? Fine. Okay, fine. That's appropriate. I'm Jill. Jill, fine, Jill, and...

Johnny Five. Johnny Five. You're alive. Very good. Can I interest you? I don't know if this is uncouth. Can I interest you three sex robots in a drink? Or would that like fuck up your wiring? Fine. You want five drinks, okay? I'll have a saspirilla. Okay, saspirilla, how about you, Johnny Five?

I'll have electricity. Huh, what to do with that? Okay, I will be right back. And can I just say the three of you look ravishing? Fine. What did you say? I said the three of you look ravishing? I've never ravished anyone.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, it wasn't an accusation. It was, it has to do with optics. You look to my horse eyeball ravishing. What are you trying to say? No, actually I'm with you two. The turf is actually pretty archaic. It sounds like I'm gonna eat you. You three look lovely.

Fine. What? I'm gonna eat you. You three look lovely. Fine. What? I'll be right back. I seem to be a bit over my head. Ladies, I'll be right back with your drinks and electricity. Fuck me, that could not have gone better. Yeah, I could have given you some tips, but you just went barreling over there like the mayor of...

Didn't need them. Robot town. I absolutely crushed at that table. Are they looking? Are they looking? They're all looking at you. Their heads are turned at a real weird angle and they're looking at all of us, but especially you.

So their eyes are glowing red. Well they're off duty and they're supposed to kind of just be in hangout time, but if if they're off duty i don't want to bother them because there's that old saying uh... the workers are going home the workers are going home is that on the green album we're what can i just say uh... no offense to your plan uh... but i've it feels like the sex robots are perfect as is

well yeah perfect the only thing is they're being throttled, because the reason that my father was killed at Baron Solomon's hand, whether or not you want to look at the evidence, oh, it was an accident, it was a coal mining, you know, the coal basket went down the rails too fast and he was standing there. There's been a murder. Yeah, I know the Baron was behind it. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And I know that it was because he wanted my father to make those fine robots over there. Never have sex again. The only sex they were going to have was hammering nails into the railways on this never ending quest to go places on a single track. It's like you're a horse, you can go in any direction. Sex robot can go in any direction except to still to make nothing direction where they don't even

have their life's purpose at their hands. And neither any more does my father. And so I'm here. And you can, you know what, write this down if you want to have an alibi. I'm here to correct the problem That's all I'm gonna say Wow Well, that is quite a heroin tail ma'am and I have to say to you I am a bit of a heroin if you need someone to help you right or wrong You know where you lissy steal the more is right here at this time. Well, thank you But if that's some sort of veiled I'm hitting on you thing, I'm not interested.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I was just saying it. You say it, you say it like you just cooked me a pasta. Like I wasn't already at the restaurant order in my own meal. I was just saying I'm an old West hero and I'm here to, you know, right wrong. Oh, what have you done?

I haven't seen a printout of all your accolades. Please bring them to my table because I'm sitting here waiting. Do you guys deal with this all the time? Is this how he talks to people? Yeah, pretty much. But you know, she's pulled the reins. What are you doing?

I was just trying to offer my services to this lady who seems in distress. Offer your services, you are hitting on her. All for my services. What do you, oh, I have an extra toothbrush that I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her.

I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her.

I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her.

I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with her. I'm not sure if you're doing something with those. I grind them against a rock. Hey everyone, look, what we've been talking looks like you should or that guy for the other world is at the table of robots. Oh, I'm such a fan of his. I heard about him in my dreams only. What did you hear? Well, you know, sometimes I have these weird dreams where I'm like laying down and it's like I'm talking to myself. Only it's like a little frog version of myself that just reports facts and figures.

And so I heard all about Eustodore and I'm like, gosh, wouldn't it be amazing if you could just go somewhere over that rainbow and just see what goes on in some other world? Yeah, I've had dreams where I'm laying down, but it turns out I was just awake. I'd call it, sooning it in. Sounds like something I would do a lot of. Let's listen to Eustodore falling his fucking face at the table. Yeah. I'm sorry, I, I hate to trouble you, but, uh, I just wanted to let you know with a three of you, uh, I am a big fan of automaton's like yourself, uh,

back on my world, there's a play called a Tomaton Constable. And it's a story of a man who was once a man, and then he was cut down in his prime, a law enforcement officer, and then he was brought back to life as an- as an automaton. Uh, just- just like the three of you. Uh, shh. Fuck me, shh. Sleep mode.

What is that? Sleep mode. Sleep mode. Ah. Fine. Fine. Fine. Oh, well, thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone said to me since I've been here.

Did you guys hear that? He said the nicest thing anybody said to him is sleep mode fuck me fine. What is this guy's deal? I just feel like people don't always treat him right. If that's, I mean, like, let him have the win, but like. Sleep mode fuck me fine. see mode fuck me fine see mode fuck me fine see mode fuck me fine. I don't know how you people think that that is a version of me from other people. You people oh my gosh what is your problem this is what we would if you were one of my sex robots I will put you

inside the garage for two weeks. Well inside inside that garage, I would think on what I'd done wrong. No, you'd be unplugged if you wouldn't have any consciousness. Oh, well, damn. There's no way out of this scenario. Not when I'm coming up with it, and that's exactly how it's going to be for the Baron. Yeah, so if I'm reading the subtext, what you're saying, Ms. Quibbert, you've come to town to enact some revenge on the railroad barren for killing your father? I'm here to keep an eye on this town and to make sure that the right things go right

and the wrong things go away. Oh, I like that. I like the way that was put. I was thinking, yeah, maybe I'd make like a t-shirt or something with a few of my darker sayings. That's great. Can you make me a t-shirt? Oh, I can't really wear a t-shirt.

Here, I've got this one actually already made up. It says, hornyville, I didn't even want to come here. Put it on my back. I love this. Now, dammit, champ. Every time we get a little piece of merch that's made for a human, you done take it. Sorry, don't blame me.

Hornyville, I didn't even want to come here. Nah, well, looks better on you. And look how come spelled. Now, Miss Quibbert, I noticed that you have a notebook there that says ideas on it. Like, would you mind reading us a few more of your ideas? Yeah, I've got a couple ideas. One idea I have is a place where when you go inside,

everybody's already enjoying their meal meal and you're allowed to go up to them and ask them what you eat and they have to tell you and then you can decide based on that if you want to order it. You're not eating their food. You're just going to ask them what they're eating and they describe it. It's a little better than the menu. I love that. It's almost like a buffet, but you get to kind of see what everyone, you get to see their

experience at the table while they're eating. And you don't have the indignity of serving yourself. Exactly, which has a horse that's troublesome. But so many times I'm at a buffet, and you know, I'm looking at the food, I'm like, how do I know what's enjoyable? But if I can look into people's eyes while they eat at the table, then I know. Champ, that's a trough. Oh, huh.

I guess you're right, I thought it was buffet. No wonder nobody else has come up to this buffet. And come and think of it, it's just one type of food in here. It's just oats, that's it. Yeah, I mean, it's either trough or a really shitty buffet. I could have had some maple squares in there if you won't. Ooh, would you? Yeah.

I'm good, I'm good. Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I put three coins in there, so don't eat too fast, and then you'll have some money. Well, Arnold, it's almost time for the service. Are you prepared with your sermon? It's all right, and that's right. Do you need help right in your sermon?

Do you need to rise up the people and give them hope? Amidst the shadow of this terrible barren Solomon trying to split babies in half probably? Uh, yeah, I'm trying to be a symbol of hope for this town. I put my violent past behind me, but I hate doing the sermons for some reason. Miss Clibbert, do you have any ideas of what I should do for my sermon? Oh, absolutely. Now, the first thing I need to ask is where you're preaching from. Do you have some sort of book that everybody knows about or is it more just like off the cuff of your own priestly mind?

Well, I have this rock that I painted the word Bible on and people don't ask a lot of questions. Oh, yeah, then that's easy. Just, you know, slam that on the table. That's how you start. And you say, all of you should have read this. But since I'm the only one who did, now I can tell you the secrets. And you'll have their attention then and you can just kind of tell a little anecdote about something sort of unrelated from earlier in the week. And then quote a couple things related to that that you think would be nice. Like if someone mistreated you, you can kind of call them out in a special way. And then wrap up with a bang and have someone

ready to start playing the music, because then no one can question any of it, they just go right into the songs we all know. Fuck Arnie, you wrote Bible on a Stone. Oh, I didn't know you were in a Christian rock. I lost my appetite. But I love your idea. Mrs. Mrs. Mrs. Just miss. I've never been married.

And maybe I never will. But maybe I will. Who knows? Real subtle champ. You could just ask her if she's married. It's miss anyway. Like, you know, I don't know if the rules are different in high-foon, but... single, mostly business, missing my dad. I got a lot of issues I'm still working out and reading through.

Well, they say you... misses all the shots you don't take. Ha-ha. Oh. I'm not that... I'm still gonna miss. No, no, no. Sham, she's not having any of it.

I expected her to just go fine. I'm tired of getting hit on. I know I'm beautiful. It's just like people see me and they don't see. They think I'm just another sex robot. And I say, then that's wrong because the sex robots are better than me because they are servants to the world. And I'm still out here trying to figure out

if I can handle vengeance on my own. And I think I can. But then sometimes I'm like, what if I just put good into the world and what if I can handle vengeance on my own. And I think I can, but then sometimes I'm like, what if I just put good into the world and what if I just let somebody turn my crank and suck them fuck till the morning sun came up and then I wouldn't have no beef with nobody? That's an astounding turn. Oh, do you want me to make you a map next time, see if we can find a shorter route to my

point? I'm a verbose little lady. Damn. It's sometimes necessary for a person to express themselves in a way that may seem little queacious to you, Arnie, but to rest of us. Yeah, I was at the word of the day and you're a little calender. I got friends in low queacious places. Places, places.

Ah, you know what? How well this is going? Me and the horse are going to leave together after this. Yes. Maybe, probably not. Oh, oh, I love this is going? Me and the horse are gonna leave together after this. Yes. Maybe, probably not. We'll see. I love this, will they won't sheep? Well hey, let's take a quick break.

I'm gonna eat some more for my trough and hopefully find those golden coins. And we'll be right back with more hello from the Dusty Saloon. So Miss Quibbert. Yeah. Is there anything we can do to help you enact your revenge on the real Baron? You can preach a sermon. Oh, this is perfect. You can preach a sermon that just plants little tiny seedlings of dissent against the Baron Solomon. Just little, what have you ever thought about how maybe we shouldn't all give 16 tons?

What do you get another day older and deeper and dead? Kind of stuff. Ooh, I like that. Arne, are you writing this down? Uh, yeah, here, let me try. He was holding that bobble rock up to his ear and saying nothing. What do you think that's just gonna tell you stuff? Does it talk to you?

I mean, a God wills, that I suppose. Ugh. I don't, hey guys, ch-ch-ch-ch, don't tell anybody. I don't believe in any of that stuff. Yeah, it's obvious. And then all these people come and they sit and listen to you like, this is what's wrong with this town. Because if anybody thought for themselves for one second,

they'd be out here leathery in the sun, just doing their own. Buh-buh! Guns in the sun, just doing their own, pow pow! Guns in the sky, I'm so sorry, I did not think that those were loaded. You should check, you should check before you do that. Everybody's okay though, everybody's okay.

Yeah, everyone's fine, Padre, I have to say, I'm not a fan of a sermon, but I do love a sermon that has a lot of foreshadowing in it. Oh, okay. Cause I gotta be honest, I'm thinking like, I'm like, like crazy doing this whole pretending to be a little lascivious, you know? There's like, I feel like Solomon's saying a song

when he first got into office and it was real kind of sexy like and it got people stirred up and they thought, maybe this baron Solomon's kind of a fun guy, but then right afterward, it's just punishment after punishment. Is that your word of the day? Lissivius? I got friends in Lissivius.

In Lissivius. Lissivius. Does that work quite as well? No, but you know what? I see the L connection and I appreciate it. Thank you. Wow, okay. So you're suggesting I should start being a sexy priest?

A little bit because I feel like right now you're sort of leaning into the like, oh I'm so lucky to be upon this land and I just hope I can get away with doing nothing and then I have to write a sermon ever. It's like you get to put on a show every Sunday or whatever day you like to do your sermons, you get to get up there and make it your own. And they are stuck there because they feel morally that if they leave early, they're gonna be in trouble. So you could stretch, you could sing songs. I mean, you're not really hitting the gas on this

or the steam as I like to say. Yeah, really, really add a sexual vibe to it. And then, and then guilt people for what they've done and then you can back. Oh, what do you know about sex. What do I know about sex? Yeah, I'd like to know the last time you had sex and how it went and I can tell if you're lying.

Yeah, you list these tell us three things you know about sex. I know that it often involves food and rubbing food on each other's nether regions. Sleep mode, fuck me, fine. I know that it involves the procreation of the human species. And, okay, he does know something. And, I know that it involves trula. Just humans? Are they the only ones that do it? I got three robots over there that'll disagree with you on the procreation of the human species.

But go ahead with your deep knowledge about all things sexual. Yeah, I'm a horse. Yeah, well you are a horse. Did you ever even go to Horniville and did you want to come? I did. I swear to you once long ago under a moon. I met a beautiful red-haired gunslinger. Her name was Jennifer, and we did make love once under the moon and I've never seen her again. So it didn't go great. Yeah, it's not like she left. She put on her red cowboy hat and she rode off so early in the morning and as she's rode off she did turn back me once and say this was perfect.

Don't ruin it by looking for me. And I never have. Wow. This was perfect. Don't ruin it by looking for me and I never have. Wow. This was perfect. Don't ruin it by looking for me. Oh, if I said that, then that means it was about a 0.2 on the Richter scale of fun. Oh, sorry, that's the Richter scale. Andy Richter? As in as in Richter and two. Oh, you list these I have to ask any time you see your red cowboy hat do you have to wonder? I do wonder. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wonder. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? She got away. It's true. We do have some models of the steam powered hand crank sex robots that can be customized to wear a red cowboy hat and address not

unlike the one that I'm wearing. I think if you put a hat on a robot that's not customized. Well, let me customize later if all things go well. So, you know, ashes to orange juice, I guess. Oh, you can put in custard eyes. Can I get like a general, just like a general custard eyes? She's got little custard eyes. Now, I'm hungry and horny. Can you customize it so it doesn't have the asses to orange juice feature? You know what? That's a default that we have, but we can make it so that it's something different. Another one that we've been trying out is the milk milk lemonade feature. And around the corner,

we've been doing some testing, hoping to get some fudge made for the robots. I bet you asked us to orange juice that you can go over to that table of sex robots and make an impact. Shoot your shot. All right, now, here I go. Uh, uh, uh, excuse me. You're excused. I'm jelly.

I just want to know what it is you think you're doing. I'm just here to do whatever I can to help out. I'm. I'll fuck you. can. The hell found. Fine. I'll fuck you. Hmm. Okay. Thank you Johnny Fob. Johnny Fob will fuck you. Johnny Fob Fox.

Wow. Johnny Fob is so attracted to me as voice change. Fob Fox for Fob Fox. We can all change our boys. We're robots. We can all change our boys. My name is Johnny Fob. Yeah, we can all change our voice and having fun. I'm having fun too.

My name is Jennifer, I wear a red cowboy hat. Guys, guys, everybody, we gotta get out of this. Those robots are about to explode. Hachacha, I'm gonna go for it. I did listening to all the Cambroflies, you know. Oh, coming for you. There's one she was at my house. Oh hold on, I can do something about this. And... Converged angel. Oh, coming for you! There's one she was at my house.

Oh, hold on, I can do something about this. And... Oh! Okay. All right, you three go home now, take your rest. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Miss Clibber. Fine.

They all call me different things, and I don't limit them. I think it's really nice that these sex robots are finding out who they are and how they have different relationships with different beings on this planet. They're automotons with autonomy. Oh, that one's leaking orange juice. I'm so sorry, can I get a towel?

Scratch what I said, scratch what I said. Johnny Favre, we're just all really hoping that he pulls through and gets different. Yeah, I don't know if his wires got crossed or... We can't fit. Sometimes they just come out strange. Johnny Fowl was the last robot that my father made, the night that he was murdered

presumably by the Baron. That makes so much sense. When he got up from the table when he said to go home, he got up and started to walk ass backwards. He always did, and he always does. So weird. So weird. Is that why he has those scissors, friends? No, my dad just needed a barber. Well, Miss Quibbert, maybe one way you

could get close to the railroad baron to kill him. You know, there's the annual shootout tournament coming up soon. And I think the railroad baron is gonna enter. As a marksman or a target. Wow, I want that on a shirt. I'd have to check with him. I assume as a marksman. I believe that was just a threat. Don't ask him, yeah. But yeah, I'd enter that.

Is there like a, there's a form or something? I haven't done this in this town. I've done it in a few others. Well, all you have to do is give a quarter over there to the bartender and give him your name. Well, I put my last quarter in the trough. Oh, I think you can also enter by screaming your intentions to the moon. Oh, well, do that tonight. Isn't it a good moon tonight?

It's a good moon. Yeah. It's a red pickle moon, right? That's right. It is a red pickle moon tonight. And Arnie, don't get me wrong. Did you say the railroad Baron Regune, who owns both Reading and Arnau Railroad, didn't he enter a beauty contest as well? Yeah, and he holds the entire community chest.

He'd like to, but nobody wants to put their titties in his hands. Well, please know, Ms. Quibbert, that we are here for whatever you need. I'll be intern. No, I know, and I know that you're of good intentions. You list these no idea, you are just chaos and a vase. Thank you, ma'am. And then, you know, our dear friend, Pastor Arnie, over here is just gonna just lay a couple foundations of like, everybody should go to the big gun contest and root for whoever you want. The minute you said Pastor Arnie, I suddenly wanted to say much on a rye. And

you fell a little horny, didn't you? You saw. I saw it. You're a horse and you're standing up. Well, I think we'd better get out of here. It looks like they're setting up for a death comedy leopard. I might stick around, actually. I've heard death comedy leopard is a scream and a half. Yeah, I want you to stick around and get your rocks off. Oh, you get your rocks off my table first.

Oh, sorry, that's the mic. For a complete recording of death comedy leopard, I'm sorry, that's the mic. For a complete recording of Death Comedy Leopard, simply, no, you know what? Don't you do anything. We'll find you. Use it or the blue and Ulysses D. Lamore were played by Matt Young. Champ the Talking Horse was played by Adolf Refy. Miss Quibbert was played by special guest Sarah Shockey. Check out her show, Marty and Sarah Love Wrestling on the MLW Radio Network. And if you're in Chicago, you can see Sarah perform with the Imbroth Group Deep Shwa.

Sunday nights at 8pm at the annoyance theatre. So it appears that the saga of Cowboy World isn't quite over yet. But the main feed podcast is taking next week off, so it's not all bad news. Indeed, no new episode, but there will be an unlocked episode from the Patreon to tie to you over. Then the show will be back on July 11th, all of us having learned nothing. Hello from the Magic Daven is an independent production, made possible by Patreon supporters like Alexander Jamie, Laurie Berryman.

The great lady, and it's spelled out GR, and then there's an 8. It's really fun, everybody. Bella, double exclamation points inside Voices, Bella, Ben Demmer, Doug C, Alex M, Dave Rinaldo, wait a minute, we did you last week Dave, know you're out. You have enough ringtones of your own name, you narcissist. Michelle Owen Thomas, Ellen Duran, Ethan C, Mackenzie Nicewander, give our best to Tom Bombadil Mackenzie, Josh X Mayhem, Tara, Doe, Baz Evans and Melanie are trouble each and every one of you. Patreon supporters get ad-free versions of new and old episodes, all of the

spin-off series, plus two completely new bonus episodes each month. In the most recent bonus episode, Arnie taught Shunton Yuzador about a famous Earth comic strip. Here's a clip. Arnie, what's in this big fucking box? Okay, this big fucking box. I'm just going to shove more useless pop culture into your brains. on my world as a kid growing up I just love to read the comic strips in the newspaper I'm not gonna explain what a newspaper is or exactly what a comic strip is, but look at this book We are gonna introduce you to Garfield the most hilarious cat on earth And he's gonna strip for us. Well, yes, we are reading Garfield takes the cake,

his fifth collection of his books. And it says right at the bottom, his fifth book. Why are we starting with his fifth book? Look, there are hundreds of these. I'm not going to understand what's going on. You're telling me, this orange goofy looking motherfucker has five books. This is barely the beginning.

There are, there are probably like 70 of these. Okay. So I'm looking at the cover of this book, aren't you? And Garfield seems to be talking, but it's a thought bubble. Mm hmm. What? What is happening? Are we supposed to be able to see that? Is it a

thought or is it speech? That's a very good question. I mean that's the central mystery of Garfield because he only communicates in thought bubbles but do other people hear it? Does his owner hear it? Okay also on the cover of this book Garfield takes the cake. He's jumping out of the cake. So you're telling me this cat sat inside an oven and was baked alive? Well, to be fair, we don't know for a fact that he's jumping out of the cake. You know, he's just like half in a cake. It's possible.

He could have jumped into the cake. Yeah, first. There could be a sex thing you never know. That would be my guess. Wow. And if this catches fire, who knows? Maybe someday we'll tackle the family circus, and its many floating Grandparent Angels.

To hear that whole episode and learn more about all the other bonus content, scoot on over to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Reffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Cowboy World version of the theme by Eric Chikovar. Hey, welcome to the after show from Hello from the Rusty Saloon hosted by me, Arnie, from Earth by way of Foon and my co-host.

I'm Yusuror the Blue and we're here to talk about the Dusty Saloon. So I poured some sugar on myself, right? I'm amongst my friends. I poured some sugar on myself, right? Damn, I'm amongst my friends. I poured some sugar on myself, and they started blinking it off. Like, leopards do, right? Yeah. There's a show going on while we're trying to do this.

So we apologize if you're picking some of that up. Yeah, I hope the audio doesn't believe too much. Hey, I'm sorry, Miss Quibbert, right? Yeah. Guest on the after show? Oh, not at all. I've actually been kind of on a role today. I just, you know, I sit down, I have a whiskey,

and I just tell tales out of school and church. Do you have any secrets about what was happening in that episode that maybe would surprise the listener? Yeah, one thing that the listener might not know is that I have garters that go all the way up to my thighs and know underwear on. Huh, I think what's going to work like to know that. Interesting.

How do you...but what are they? Hmm. You used to door their two separate things. What do you think women just put on a big pair of tight pants every day? Or is that just what they do around you? What? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to steal focus. Definitely I've just been doing a really great comedy, J.M. And it just gets me inspired sometimes

I think I could just riff till the day is done Hey Champ champ the talking horse do you mind also? You can just call me champ. Sorry Champ what do you like to do after recording an episode of Hello from the Dusty Saloon? Ooh, um, I guess I like to try and search out some hay, because of course hay is fur horses. Um, I also will just kind of like gaze at this night sky, because we get a lot of fun different moons. I don't know if you saw tonight is a red-pickle moon?

No. As much as you can at night time, you should spend outside and look up at the night sky. It's very, very impressive. I'll be out there screaming my intentions to enter the shoot fest. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah, if you two have any intentions while you're here in Hogswood, you might want to scream them at the good moon. I only have one intention to find out across the many multiverses just how many awnings are there.

It's not a very common name, so they're probably aren't that many. I guess like in the realm of six to 12. Oh, well, that's not as interesting as I thought. I mean, sometimes you'll get an Arnie with no eye in it. No, I'm 12. That's not from one amount to double. But I'm not talking about that.

Well, that's a brain. You know, sometimes the press is right. You're talking to a horse. You're talking to a horse. You don't think I know a range? I'm talking to a horse that has a hornyville shirt. I thought that you were better than that. I thought you were smarter than that. At 20 o'clock somewhere.

Oh, that's a great idea. Doesn't anyone want to know how many audience traveled from another world into a new world? Two. Yes. Seven maybe. Is that a smaller range of numbers for you? Yes, thank you.

You're so welcome. I think we have something, guys. I think her and I have something. Arnie, can I ask why do you think it is that we have different versions of ourselves with different names, but all the Arnie's are just named Arnie. Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Wait, is there a real different version of me? It's not just in my dreams. Oh, Miss Quiver, yeah, I mean, I guess the voice is very similar on, in the magical land of Fum, there is a talking frog named, Swiver. With a little hat, with a little ribbon.

Now that's who I always see in my dreams. And I thought that was just an invention of a way for me to talk to myself. I was like, that is not a real person that has always existed parallel to me. Keep it a line of sight across dimensions. Now, Arning, can you tell me, sometimes I have dreams where instead of hooves I have hot dogs?

I mean, could that be something? Is there a universe where my hooves are hot dogs? And there's that one where you're just a rock? Yeah, I'm just a rock with a saddle on it. Nothing like that would happen nowhere none of the time. Okay, yeah, sorry, I just had to ask. They hit dreams, huh? Well, I'm gonna go look at the night sky.

You folks have a fine night, Ms. Quibbert. If you need to ride home, just hop on my back. You know what? I think I just might. Oh, I just slam into the door, sorry. Okay, bye. You said are you enjoying a little vacation? Or starting to feel antsy?

They were not back in food? antsy? No. Brilliant. Yes. To be in here and meet in another awning. It's giving me... Terrific.

I do. Okay, cool. Don't tell me about it for a least another week or two. Nope, nope. Sorry. we're almost out of tape. you