Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 34 - Cowboy World: Railroad Baron

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Arnie, Ulysses and Champ the Horse talk to Solomon Ragoon, the Cowboy World's Railroad Baron.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChamp the Horse: Adal RifaiUlysses the Cowboy: Matt YoungSolomon Ragoon: Chris RathjenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandAdditional Music: Aric JacoverYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And after a brief holiday, we still find ourselves in cowboy world. Wait, wait, wait, come back, sit down. You're a patient person, give us a chance. There you go, that's right. Okay, continuing our story in cowboy world. No, wait, no, please don't pour that glass of boiling water on your laptop, put it down. Deep breaths.

So, let's dive into cowboy world, put it down, deep breaths. So let's dive into cowboy where okay put down that podcaster racing magnet, come on, it's only 40 or so minutes. How bad can that be? Look the soon you start, the soon it's over. Okay, cowboy world, let's do this. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Dusty Saloon! A weekly podcast from the Wild West world of High Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie D. Camp. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Golden Corral in Cicero, Illinois, and to the old Western cowboy world of High Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Golden Corral through the dimensional rift. I used that my rudimentary understanding of science to build this hang crank that supplies electricity to this laptop. I know it entirely how that works, so I'm able to record this podcast in the saloon, the burgundy bronco, and the town of Hogswood, in the land of High Foon. Oh, wait, I got that whole thing.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-hosts. Uh, you Lissie's, uh, De-De-Lamore? Woo! Oh, I am you Lissie, De-Lamore? Yeah! Oh, I am you Lissys De-Lamore. Wildest gunslingin' out, all you ever done met. Wanted in 12 counties. Yet known for my bravery and noble heart, but, Arnie, why have we never made fun of the fact

that you say hand crank right in the beginning of your little intro? We've never in all of the seven years because I feel like that would be one of the first things I would make fun of. For some reason, it's never even occurred to me till now to mock you generously for some sort of a masturbatory in you window.

Sure. Is it, would you say, Lissie, and I know the answer to this, would you say that we have a base of mutual respect where we wouldn't really make those jokes about each other? I'm afraid that that is not the case, sir. I'm afraid that, okay. Good to know. Though I do care for you deeply and lay down my life for you. I know that someday you'll

help me defeat those damn picket ends. I will mock you for any slat misstep you make, make just like the one I did. Okay, all right. Uh, all right. Well, I am also joined by my other co-host. Oh, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. Oh, I'm sorry. Normally my co-host is champ the talking horse. Oh, it's champ is a friend of mine, but my name is Cookie. Your name is Cookie? Yeah. You know, I'm a gold prospect to hear these pets. Oh. Yeah, this year's Cookie.

Yes, I was panning for gold in the silver stream, and I got bit by a copperhead. Who-ha-ha-hee. Oh. Now, do they got copperheads back there on your earth? Do they have copperheads? Yeah, but mostly we slather them on ourselves to avoid the sun's rays.

I think you may be confused, my son, but very well. Copperhead here is a terrible snake. Speaking of his dog, he's trying to pull down my pants. Get outta here, dog. Look at my pants. Don't let him fool you, none. He's always trying to find an excuse to take his pants off. Oh, prospector!

I should explain. Yeah, I'm a friend of the champ. And maybe on this padcast, as he calls it, this is a take-a-wish situation. You see, after I was bitten by the copper head, I only had hours to live. And in the silver stream, every once in a while, wishes bubble up and you couldn't take them and make a wish on a wish you take. And so I grabbed one and I said,

I want to be on Champs-Podcast. Oh. Well, thank you, Mylay, for using your wish to join us here today. We truly appreciate it. Oh, it's only now that you see that I realize I could have wished to live. Oh.

It does seem like that incorrect choice to make, but I did not want to embarrass you, sir. Who? It's hard to laugh maniacally when you just fucked yourself. Oh, he, who? Hey. Is this the part where I say something? Am I in this? Oh, this is Yusudor. He's from another world, a magical world called Foon.

Uh, do you want to be in this as well, Yusador? I don't have to be. Call me over here at the bar for a while. You know what, dog here, just take my pants. And bundle well. Uh, no, thank you, sir. I-I do not need your underwear. Yeah, I don't know. No, I'm sorry about your wish, but there's no reason to get Billy Madison. And, you know, like, just stay level-headed. Arnie.

Be happy! Hey, Arnie, Arnie, Gil? What? Why are you talking to that dead prospector? Oh, wait. What's this, champ? They're free. The prospector. My friend Cookie is faced down on the table and you're interviewing him

Oh, well, I I fear a champ that cookie may have just expired here, but a moment ago Oh, no his last words were Shaba do Are you sure? Shaba do oh maybe that's a code maybe that's some sort of maybe that's where he buried all his Goldie found previously Oh, maybe that's a code, maybe that's some sort of... Maybe that's where he buried all his goldies found previously. Shop it, dude. Maybe you just need some water, boy. Let's get some water for this boy. All right, for this little man, I guess.

I guess he wasted his life looking for gold when he should have been searching for uncut gems. Yeah. Uncut gems. Yeah. Hustle, everybody. Well, that's a very new thing for you to say, aren't you? I know. I've never hustled in my entire life. It's a mystery. Date, yeah. I miss cookies.

We all do. Arnie, we all do. And let me just, let me grab them by my teeth here. Eee, Eee, no, pull them. I'm gonna drop little. I'm gonna pull them outside real quick. I'll be right there. Terrible to see a horse pull a dead prospector out of a bar. If I had a dime for every time I did that, why I'd have four dimes and I'd be the richest man in Hawkeswood. Yeah, that's right. Money around here is real small, right?

Like what do you mean? I know all this stuff, because I've been here for seven and a half years or so, but like a little bit of money is worth a lot of money here. It's like, I'd say four times is quite a bit of money personally. What's a little bit of money then? A little bit of money, it'd be a penny, maybe a quarter of a penny.

A quarter of a penny, how do you do that? I got to cut them up. Oh, yeah, I got to cut them up. Oh, yeah, cut them up. Is how I people keep just giving me little like shavings, shavings of coins? Oh, you gotta, you gotta shave enough of a coin. You gotta save up a hundred of those to get one penny. God.

There's a hundred shavings in a penny, a hundred pennies in a dollar. Man, if I see we're doing math at the table. Yes, because I have a rudimentary understanding of math. That's one of the things about me, clearly. It's canon. Yeah, I don't want to say anything. Arnie, I've noticed several times when we're out at the store

of the apothecary that you try and pay with stuff with crazons. And that's a term you use. You said they're crazy raisins. Yeah, they're better than raisins. They're crazy. And a lot of, I gotta be honest, I've settled up with a lot of bills because people are too embarrassed

to ask you what the fuck's going on. So then later they pull me aside and they go, but he really does owe us that money. So I've, I've settled up a lot of your tabs. Now, what, how's that my problem? Crazing like a fox is what I am. What has caused them mental distress in these raisins? Probably dehydration, it's my guess.

Oh, it's a terrible, terrible way to go. If you're out in the desert and start seeing things, you know you're in trouble if you haven't had enough water in days. You can go quite a while with that food, but you gotta have water. It's a water in town, gotten any better. Now we discovered that whizzla, his dead body has been in that well for months and months.

Light brown, drink it down. Hmm. Dark brown brings a frown. Easy to remember. Because they're both brown. Fully black? Yum a snack! We call water snack here.

Yeah, once it goes all black, you know somebody snuck some chocolate in there and you're like, hmm, yummy snack, some chocolate water full of red drink before bed Covered in flies nice surprise Your waters fuchsia. That's a problem with you should Oh, that's right in this world. Oshas called you shit. What's called you shit? Nothing. It's I'm just thinking of Earth stuff. Do I like to talk about Earth stuff? Is that something?

Arning, you're acting pretty peculiar today. Interviewing dead bodies, wanting to talk about the money system. Mm-hmm. I mean, and you have often regaled us with tales of the Earth. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I have tails of the earth. God, fuck, I can't keep this up.

Guys, don't tell anybody, but I'm not Arnie. I'm Arnie. Oh, Ulysses, he's dehydrated. Oh, champ, we got it. We have a crazy Arnie on our hands. We have a carny. Carny. Carny?

It's not a carny? It's not a no, no, no, no. See, back on my, we're back on Foon, we have a carny. Carny. Carny. I don't know, it's not a carny. It's not a no, no, no, no. See back on my, we're back on Foon, there was a carny situation. This is not a carny situation. I am Arnie, but I'm not Arnie. I'm not Arnie. You know what?

I'm Arnie. We should have known there. We should have known there. Because he's not wearing the bandana. Oh shit, I got the bandana. Is she a bad guy? Is she a bad guy? Is she a bad guy?

Is she a bad guy? Is she a bad guy? Is she a bad guy? Oh, you listen got the bandana. Is Shabadoo really anything? Should I even be riding that down on a napkin? Shabadoo? Oh, you listen back to this episode and you're gonna appreciate that Shabadoo. Oh Arnie, sweetie, you think I listen to these? No, I know, I know, oh I know. Burkie, around to your best light brown. Oh, okay.

Look guys, remember a couple of weeks ago where that old creepy wizard and that handsome version of me came into town for another world. Yeah, he's, he's cranny. You let's see, he's holding down. We gotta operate, I'm gonna, I'm gonna chop off his legs. I got his legs.

I'm gonna, I got his legs. I got his legs. Shhhh, buddy, I'm just gonna lobotomize you, okay? No, I've been around here for weeks. We've done, that's so cool. I'm gonna get science. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna just like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh Elector. Look, oh, we love botanizing Ony. You said, or, look, they don't understand. I had a conversation with their Ony earlier today. He had some errands he needed to do. And I thought it would be really clever if I took over for him, pretend it to be him

and did their podcast. I'll hold his arms. No, you said, or, you know, I tried to lobotomize the other Ony, as you know, when he first arrived in our world Because he was talking about earth and all these strange things Uh-huh. And he told me that lobotomize is French for the butt and it made me laugh so hard I didn't do it Huh, hold his arms, dammit. I'm trying the best I can I'm learning that I don't understand everything that the other Arnie would say. I just don't

Okay, let me just graze on your hair here so I can make a clean decision later. You have this is delicious there. Oh, uh, champ. Uh, sorry to interrupt. Uh, it's me, Yusudou. Uh, perhaps, perhaps we should go ahead and, uh, and um, do the podcast because a very, very wealthy looking person just walked through the door. Oh, I love new money. How great would they have like five dimes? Danation, one of them Pinkertons. Well, well, well.

He noticed the three wells. Here I find myself again, and this wretched outpost of high food. Um, can you excuse us for just a second? Jam! Ulysses! Is this somebody that your Arnie would know? Of course he'd know him. That's the railroad bearing himself.

Solomon Ragon. No, he looks just like the bearing from the world I was just in. Nope, totally different guy. Nope, okay. Uh, hey! Uh... Okay, totally different guy. Nope, okay. All right, hey. Okay, it's for horses, aren't it? Barkeep, please open your finest French champagne.

Oh, yes, sir, you mean Le But? Yes, Le But is a fine one. I think you mean the Le But. That's how you pronounce French champagne. Attention, Bar, this man just said the Le Butte. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Right Solomon Ragon mr. Solomon Ragon. Yes, would you mind joining us here at this table to be interviewed as an important Local person that who I know and have made as I suppose we can't have any of these visits without including a little appearance on the podcast very well Barkeep please also bring me a brandy. Yes, right away

Barkeep, please also bring me a brandy. G.S. right away. Ugh! Saw there, saw there that you ordered up some French champagne. I got news for you Jack. All champagne is French. Everything else, just sparkling wine. Fascinating. Well, maybe Mr. Le Mour. That knowledge is common where you're from on the highfalutin range, but I of course came from meager origins. And so I'm enjoying the prizes of my success

in this life without apologizing for any gaps in my knowledge. Arnie, highfalutin is when you take an edible and play a wind instrument. That sounds delightful Can we do that later? Sure. Yeah, absolutely. You're gonna want to after this surgery. Oh shit So mr. Regan make all you mr. Regan. No Yes

Is he all right as he go in crazy? He's a little crazy. Don't you worry about it mr. Regan? We got it covered. Okay He's a little crazy. Don't you worry about it Mr. Regune. We got it covered. Okay Yes, you can of course ask me questions as always happens when I frequent this establishment Okay, well can I ask you know? question one you see any of them damn Pinkerton's oh You know I have in fact I may haps traveled here with a few in my retinue They may be sitting on my private train car as we speak In fact, I may haps traveled here with a few in my retinue. They may be sitting on my private train car as we speak. Question 2. What's a retinue?

Karni, it's in the eyeball. It's right next to your pupil. What's a retinue? Uh, alright, I retract question 2. Oh, very well. Are you going to replace it with another question too? Oh, shit, I should have had one. I have one. Baron, why are you here?

You rarely come to Hogswood. Yes, well, as you know, I've not been the biggest fan of this frontier town on my past visits, but perhaps you have heard the exciting tutes because. What's this? Oh, the new and powerful toots floating through the air? Why, if we halt just one moment, I think we may even hear a toot right now. Oh, aren't it beautiful? It's almost a toot suite.

Oh. Yes, thank you, Jam. I agree. That is a TOOT SWEET. Because finally, after my years of work, Hogswood is now the newest stop on the Ragoon Rail System. Oh. Damnation. You've finally done it. You had done gone and did the damn thing. Civilization comes to Hogwood. I did go and done do the damn thing

He did done do the damn thing as I always said I would Raccoon rail system the R&R railroad Arnie. He has a monopoly. Oh Shit, Ren it's gonna be like astronomical shit. Oh, I have a no follow question. Did you enter a beauty contest last week? Well as a bit of a lark. Yes, but I'm proud to say I won second place. Damn it. He's good. How much money does second place get you? $25. $25? $25?

For a beauty contest? But of course that's nothing to my massive fortune that I have accrued through the years and Nothing compared to what all soon be making off this town. Why I look down these streets That's nothing to my massive fortune that I have accrued through the years and nothing compared to what all soon be making off this town. Why, I look down these streets and I just see hotel, hotel, hotel, hotel. You know what, dammit, I should have gone into banking. When I was younger, I thought to myself, I'll be the banker, but nope, I let someone else do it, and now I'm fucked.

Hmm, I think he's cheating. So tell me, uh, Solomon Ragnan, how did you go from Mieger means to being this rich railroad bearing that we see before us? Oh, I feel like I've told this story on a previous visit, but if you don't mind hearing it again, I'll happily regale you all. I love recaps. When I was a small child of but seven, my father was trampled by the horse of a rich man when we were out in the street, grubbing up dirt to sell to one of the dirt mongers. I'm so sorry to hear that, but that must have been really traumatic for you. Arnie, this is why there's

no more horses around except for me. And by way of apology, the fancy little Lordling who was steering the cart tossed me one quarter of one shaving of one penny. Well, that was all I needed. Because I used that penny to buy a scrap of wood, which I then turned into a scrap of paper, which I then turned into an announcement informing everyone of the exciting business opportunities available from Regume Rail and Mineral.

But wait a minute, didn't you also inherit $100,000 from your dad's death? Uh, well, every time, every time. I'm tired of this. Look, that was caught up in the court You forget those tiny details about your background look that money was caught up in the court system for days in the meantime I built myself an empire with my own to have and here's the part that I was take issue with It's the fact that you got a scrap of wood and you have pulped it yourself to make paper

I don't think so son. You got to have a whole mill for that. Pulped it yourself. Wow, you're not ordinary people Yeah, sounds like some pulp fiction to me. Look the story of my life is well documented in my autobiography The story of my life. Oh, okay. Oh, that's about you. Yes. I couldn't tell from the title. I was afraid it was about me and I wouldn't crack it open. But now, Regune Rail and Mineral and also cattle stretches across all of high food. Why, I might well be the richest man on the whole continent.

Well damnation. I'm afraid we're gonna have to take a break. Why reconsider my cowboy ways that may be soon going away? Oh, as the rare road stretches out across this beautiful world of half. Oh yes. Yeah, and I'm gonna be thinking, is it ordinary people or common people?

I'm gonna be thinking, should I have mentioned that that book, the story of my life is probably on the shelf next to the book, the story of us? Hmm. I'll count next to the book, The Story of Us? Hmm. I'll count what's in my wallet. It would have been worth. We'll be right back.

Use it or use it or. Yes, what is it? How am I doing? Have you been paying attention to the podcast, like listening to every bit that's been going on while you've been over here? No, I checked out about six years ago. Oh shit. Look, I, you know, it's kind of hard playing another role.

You know, I'm used to basically playing myself, but it's a real challenge to pretend to be this different army. Um, well, I mean, I suppose it would be, except that you're exactly like Coddy, you're both Arnie, you're just like Coddy. No, no, no, there's subtle differences. My biggest takeaway here is that Tatiana Maslani is a fucking genius. Champ, can I speak frankly with you? Yes, of course. I mean, I almost said we're both men here, but clearly that's not the case.

Holy shit, I guess I speak frankly. I thought I was gonna be confused by the language, but I'm fully understanding you. Am I speaking frankly? Hello, how are you? Yes, yes, I should know. My family was originally named Rangu. It's rude to speak another language in front of me. Look, I came here kind of to strut my stuff. Okay. To bask in my victory and I'm starting to be concerned that something's so wrong with Arnie,

he doesn't even know what's happening. Like, is this the same man who sucked rattlesnake poison out of my butt on four separate occasions? You know, the second and third time, I thought you were doing it on purpose, and by the fourth I realized you absolutely weren't. I was not. I was not. You just keep sitting on snakes.

Look, someone keeps putting snakes where I want to sit. I certainly don't know who that would be. Oh, he speaks Frankish now. And if I may speak frankly as well, he's actually going through something. He doesn't think he's really Arnie. He thinks he's another man named, wait for it, Arnie. Does that make sense? It does.

So I don't know if he got hit on the head. We were about to lobotomize him when you came in, but something is severely off. Yeah, something ain't right. And frankly, it reminds me of that time that I was mulled by a bear and you had to carry me back to civilization, Baron. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. And on the way, Baron got bit by a rattlesnake and had to have the boys and suck that out as well. Yeah, I had to have the boys and sucked out of my... Actually, Baron, if you would do us a favor, you listies and I. If you would take this pencil, and if you could just stare at this Arnie here and just circle three differences.

Do you see like three differences? Hmm. Let's see. Well, his earlobe hasn't been shot off. Nice, that's one. Oh yeah. I apologize for that. See, he doesn't have that haunted look of a man who's had to drop a child down a mine shaft.

Well, you're right, and that's something you can't just do away with. And, and instead of his normal presafiddy, seems to have some other outfit painted black. Motherfuck, this might actually be a different person. Who are you? Come here! Who are you? Oh, hey, champ, I'm talking to you, Sador. Oh, I saw that. Yes, I remember, we came here from another world.

Oh, that's right. Fuck there are I'm a did I'm a did there are two ornies There's my army. There's this Arnie. I'm so sorry. I am so I totally forgot I just the last week I haven't really talked to you to at all I am so sorry about this. No, no, that's okay. It's all right about three weeks ago We walked through a magical portal into this world. We're still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through that cave back through the Burger King.

We suppose to send a podcast back to the original Earth. Wow, that cave must have some sort of volcanic activity below it because it seems like it's some sort of hot spot. I guess. Well, this truly is a momentous day. A barkeep. A regional sparkling wine for the entire saloon. Yes, right away, our finest raisin wine.

Not necessary to make that distinction. What's the fucking deal with that bartender? Oh, I brought him. Oh, I was wondering why I hadn't seen him before. Yes, didn't you see him walk in with Mr. Agunia? I'm not super observant. It's hard to be a tension of things in this land because it's so fucking hot all the time.

But also a few gentlemen with Bola hats and vests and chains and uh, they seem a little, uh, I don't know You needn't concern yourself with those folks uh... tell me ask me ask me more questions that uh... I don't know uh... as soon as my I give an answer you riff on information you have that I might like

please go on Oh well as a stranger I must admit you strike me as a very familiar person. There's someone quite like you on all world. Do you have any children? Do I have any children? Oh, shit. Why?

I'm the proud father of 15 children at last count. Oh no. But do you have any that are the worst? Especially regrettable. Yeah, in last count, when did you last count? Well, before I got on the train, but I have left instructions that if any new children are born while I'm traveling, I am to receive a telegram post-haste. That's right.

That's right. I've just had a telegram station built in Hogswood. Arnie, telegrams are, there's several men around the area called Graham, and you can tell them anything and they will run Butterquick anywhere you want them to go and see you in the nation. Yes, Butterquick. Yeah, and Arnie, you wouldn't know this, but the railroad baron here, Mr. Regune,

he has a, quite a nice house, so some may even refer to it as a mansion, but those 15 children there, they aren't particularly happy. He blows a whistle to make them line up in little sailor suits and sing songs to him. That's until a beautiful young lady from the nearby abbey became their governess and he learned to love again.

Hi, why do I have love to hear more about that? I think I said it all. The whole thing? It's true I did learn to love again then it was causing me money so I put her on a submarine You put her on and something how was that cheaper that seems very expensive to me if you not inside she'll die I know If you're not inside she'll die. I know That's a good I Fosolotty low man look I have many powerful friends in capital city and they're always ready to give me a hand when I need to keep my eye on the prize

And the prize of course is high food itself Wait, you have powerful friends in capital city like a who well until quite recently I could count among my friends uh both president lord and vice president desperate but uh of course the latter's assassination of the former has but all of capital city in a tizzy on the last I'm so sorry you're gonna have to slow down I don't you have to forgive me I don't follow politics as closely as I should president Lord yes Arnie I think you'll recall a few years ago the head of the Pinkerton agency Danny Lord was successfully elected president of food. Damn! With the nation! With perhaps, you know, some help from myself.

And some well placed. Hahahaha. Bribes. Oh. And mergays. Oh. All looked to be going quite well for a while until his treasonous vice president. Durango La Desperée.

Shot him down. Durango La Desperée. Shot him down. Durango. Huh. Yeah, you know Durango that guy would, uh, would, uh, uh, Wrangles all the him snakes. Is this everything to do with how you keep getting, uh, butt bit by snakes all the time? No, he said he would help me cut down on that,

but I did not see any change in rate, uh, after we started working together. Nonetheless, even though he's on the run and the president is dead, I still have ties to the Pinkerton Agency. I have ties to many of the great ministers of state and capital city. And I say that just as a word to let you know that when I step forth this next week in the Hogswood shootout, know that I have some powerful allies standing in my back. Oh wow.

Would you excuse us for just a second? You list these, champ. Yeah. Look, I know this isn't my business. You guys can do whatever you want with your podcast, but you should consider doing a spin off with the called Masters of Industry. And it's all about the railroad barren

and his other evil compatriots. Durango? Yeah. I don't lock him, but I do respect him. Yeah, I'd be up for that. Arnie, would you produce? Boy, I don't know. I mean, come over to the theme song right now.

Master's of industry. You're just singing the title. What do you think a theme song is? A singing a title, like all the books from my earth, all the best theme songs are like that. They're just sort of like three's company or lost. All right, champ. I got a, I got a give, I got a give aren't you credit here? He said, let's try and why don't you

come up with a theme song? Okay. Um, oh, what we work all day and we work so hard. It's time you heard our story. I'm going to go to to the bathroom now drive a truck that's called a Laurie. Masters of industry. Who? Ha, who? Ha. Masters of industry. Us. Ha. Us. Ha. That's who? The Masters. Arnie, what's a truck? Damn, it's pretty good. Champ, I couldn't help it over here. I would like to purchase that song from you for one nickel.

Ooh, a nickel. I think so. Absolutely. Yeah, that song's a piece of shit. You're so lucky to get a nickel. Hey. Uh, it's sold. I suppose I, I suppose for selling songs, I could come with a song too.

Uh, uh, um, you list these. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- damn I'll take it. Ernie I like to trade songs for your original masters of industry song. Oh shit I can't remember how masters of industry. You can't remember that. Bartender send a telegram to capital city get them to rewrite copyright law so that any song I hear in this taberness mine in the saloon is mine. Yes right to wait. Graham. is mine. You Lissies, I'm surprised I didn't see a larger reaction from you when I mentioned the Hogswood

annual shootout. Well, I gotta admit, sir, I've not had time to get around a young at the moon yet. Oh, yes, the way that the... Poor or frugal join the uh... the shootout. How dare you, sir. I was considering yelling at the moon myself. You know, to save a quarter. Hmm.

But then I said to myself, I have so many quarters. And then I said to myself, perhaps that would make it even better for me to not spend a quarter. Fuck, and I settled for a nickel? But then I said to myself, what if it's more showy for me to spend the quarter? What was the question? No, I was just saying, fuck, Joey, for me to spend the quarter? What was the question?

No, I was just saying, fuck, I settled for a nickel. Oh, the original question. Yes, I believe you were trying to taunt me and to join in this shootout with you so that two may enter and only one to leave. Do we know what the full roster is? I believe it's more than two. It would be a poor outing for me to only kill one man that day. Well, Whizzle can't do it because she'd done that in the well.

Although, are there any rules against ghosts competing in the shootout? Well, they're not specifically against ghosts, but if you are incorporeal, you do have a certain advantage that does make it unfair for you to compete. Yeah, and I have heard of a few other contestants, but I'll be damned. They're all just kind of lazy nicknames, to where I don't really know who's competing. Like there's kid, Dutch, big ins, crook, scar, scars.

Scars is gonna be there? Oh, what, scar and scars? Nobody cares about scar. Scar times three will be there teeth Gold teeth Crooked smile just a little yeah, just a lot of people where I'm like I maybe I know them But I just didn't know their nicknames. Let's see. I'm very confusing. Yeah, some of our friends will be in it too like Claudia and oh

Yeah Flower the orphan and uh... Yeah, trying to think who else is around. Don't wait on this board over here it says stars, on-core, cinematics. Ah!

Yeah, those are all there. Uh, Pimpley Nipple Bottom will be there. Pimpley Nipple-Nipple-Nipple Bottom? Yeah, he's just kind of a young little kid. Yeah. Has Colonel Vorpal decided to pick up his gun again, or is he still just running that hard tack shop of his? I think he entered, but he insisted on only using a blade.

Which can't be great. Now, it's definitely against the rules. I'd rather have a ghost in there than a blade. I mean, what are you gonna do? Throw a blade? I mean, blade can blade's good. The day walk what are you gonna do? Throw a blade? I mean, blade can... Blades good. The day walker?

The very same. Yeah, blades good. I like blade too. I would say make that blade three, but I really, really rings back. So yeah, there is a pretty full roster. You know, I thought about entering myself, but I have these hobs and

No one's really made a gun yet for horses, so I guess I'll sit this one out. Arnie, did you ever think about entering? Oh, um, oh, yeah, I'm trying to think I had a conversation with With your Arnie No, uh, if I remember correctly, I've sworn off violence a la spider-man I remember correctly, I've sworn off violence, I'll ask Spider-Man, so even though I am apparently a very skilled gunslinger, I am not gonna enter. Well, I specifically remember some of the other names were Grump and then Handcrank. And aren't you correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't Handcrank something you say in the opening of this podcast? Let me look at my notes. I think someone signed you up as hand cream. I can't read that fast. Well then you're fucked for the competition. There is a reading element. The countdown to shoot is assigned.

It's true. You done reading yet. Maybe I just take a break, Lauren. I'm gonna start over as reading. Oh, I'll have a fantastic silence. Ugh. So as I look at this list of entrants, I don't just casually naming some of these and it doesn't mean anything.

Apparently Miss Quibbert has entered the shootout competition. No, yes. She's right there below Hobo Max. And right above Grump and Dr. Piss. Well, there are duo. Well as I said, I am planning to participate this year just to sort of announce my arrival and let's be honest, domination of the town of Hogswood. I'm quite pleased to show off my gunfighting skill, formidable though it is, but I also want

to drive home to everyone that I've succeeded in other ways as well. I mean obviously I was able to complete the railroad here so quickly by increasing productivity on the rail line. And that of course I could not have done without some of Professor Quibbert's patented robot workers. Meaning the steam-powered sex workers? Yes, the steam-powered workers, they can be used for many things. Obviously, they have previously been used as sex robots,

which in my mind is a waste, it is a lack of productivity. Think of every jiggling pounding pudenda that could have instead been a jackhammer, driving in stake after stake after stake. Oh great, now I can't stop thinking about stake. Moreover, think of all the sexual Congress to have spent copulating with these mechanical

Marionette ladies of the night or day or you know afternoon great now. I can't stop thinking about Marionette Congress When such a thing is nothing but a waste of human productivity think of all the new customers that could have been born from the natural sex, resulting in a non-robot Congress. I think of all the workers who could have been born. Why, it makes me so angry to think of the money lost, but that's why I reached out to Professor Quibbert to discuss the possibility of purchasing and repurposing some of his creations.

How? Sadly, he initially did not see the brilliance of my plan, but he came around right before his tragic accident in the coal mine. Hmm. Hmm. I've heard rumors, I won't say from where, that some people think you murdered Professor Quibber? I'm sorry, was my wink that I said, when I said tragic accident, was that insufficient?

Should I verbally say? Oh, I'm sorry. That was what that was. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be wrong. His tragic death in that coal mining accident. A wink. Oh yeah, he was winking. I see, I thought he just got a penny shaving in his eye

because there's some in the air right now and I've swallowed a bit of him. Sir, you done, you done, done a dirty deed. I mean, you're gonna pay the price. I mean, no one is sadder than I that things, you know, turned out as they did. When I went into the coal mine, witnesses can attest that Professor Quibbert had no interest in taking my deal. things, you know, turned out as they did. When I went into the coal mine, witnesses

can attest that Fester Quibbert had no interest in taking my deal. Yet somewhere in there, he must have signed this contract giving me why a controlling share in Miss Quibbert's robot company. In fact, I have yet to deliver the news to her. Tragically, he fell down a mine shaft onto a mine track, where he was decapitated and dismembered by several mine wheels. Before he could come forth and tell everyone of his change of heart, wink.

You rap scallion. Look, we've done defeated you before. We're gonna defeat you again. We're gonna get this railroad out of this town and we're gonna get your hotels out of this town and we're gonna get your sex robots out of this town. I mean, they're not my sex robots. I'm against them being sex robots for the reasons I elucidated.

Yeah, he's just having work robots. The sex robots he doesn't like. But you know what sex robot work is work? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Graham, Graham. Graham? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to tell Graham, the Baron killed Miss Quibbert's fan father. Oh, okay, who is this cell? Take it to the Ragoon Times in Capital City. They'll know exactly what to do with that story. Oh, I'm on the way. Thanks for the help. Now look, we've done defeat you before.

Like at the end of season two, when you went to reach for both your six guns and your pants fell down and you couldn't get your guns out of your pants. Oh, it sounds like a great season finale. Oh, yes, and then a rattlesnake. Bitt me on the butt. A rattlesnake bit you on the butt? Yeah. What you were there? No, I forget you weren't. Yes. That was the second time. How are you not dead? Because of you, or they sucking out the poison. Oh, shit. He said, Arnie sucked the poison out of the baron, and I remember he said, I'm not gonna do that.

No one dies on my watch. Just the opposite of the way Batman did it, the end of Batman Begins. He did say it, just like that. I remember it, like it was yesterday, because it didn't make any damn sense to me. I wish I could remember the end of Batman Begins. You're not the Arnie we deserve, you're the Arnie we need.

Does that make sense? Yeah, oh good. I'm the Arnie. Yeah. Oh good. Well, the Arnie do something. Well, this isn't anything like that ending, the end of season two, where I tried to pull my six shooters on you and then my pants fell down and then I was bit on the butt by a

rattlesnake and only saved through your intervention. I can't remember was there Eulissies when the snake bit him? Was there like a boyoyowing or was it when his pants fell down there's like a boyoyowing? I think there is a boyoying when his pants fell down. Okay. And then when the snake bit him, Arnie also said, right after he said that thing about, I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you. Yeah.

Then he said, I'm Batman. Hahaha. Then he said, something about it, I got to snake him a boot. Hmm. Well, look, as I said, this is nothing like that, and it will be nothing like that. Because, first of all, I will be wearing both belt and suspenders at the shootout. Second of all, I am ready with my quick draw and my friends. So, you Lissie's, for instance, or you, Arnie, I would be happy to see you out there in the town square when it comes time to draw, and I promise that if I'm not fast enough, you'll win fair and square. I won't have friends and boulder hats watching from windows ready to catch any

known outlaws or Priest in personators. Oh shit. Is that against the law? I mean, it's just it's everyone kind of agrees in very poor taste Whether you're religious or not. Yeah, no one valid. Is that is that the right term? Is this all still because you're just upset we didn't invite you to our barn raisin? Look, I just, I can't drive home, how good I would be at a barn raisin. I'm a natural manager. I'm not afraid to push a pole as evidence

by my 15 children. And I just, I don't know why I'm not there. Just, yeah, you've been pushing pull all over the land The only reason I can think of that you want to invite me to your social gatherings is the number of times I've tried to kill or imprison you and I don't think that's it Now we're gonna defeat you again Just as we've always defeated you before and no one's gonna catch me Just as we've always defied you before and no one's gonna catch me, I'm Ulysses De La Mor. And I don't get caught.

Cause they're dull, Garnt, Pikachu, Tens, and North East. They may be looking for Magic Jack star, but they ain't gonna find Magic Jack shit. Would you excuse us for one second, Baron? Thank you guys. Arnie, how fast can you draw? Well, let's see, are we talking like Ball of Fruit or like just like a like Opus? When I was a younger I was I could draw Opus pretty fast. Maybe snoopy. What the fuck is Opus? It's a penguin. It's a big sort of artistic effort

Kind of an Op, is like a huge undertaking. Can I use magic to draw? Guess I can do it really fast with magic. Can I be in this? No, not now, Arnie. Here, take this gun. Okay, let's see. What?

Okay, now put it in your belt and I'll take it out as quickly as possible. Where's this gun come from? That's Cookie's gun. Oh, Cookie left it to me in his will. I assume. Okay. He didn't seem like you had many friends.

Champs got a lot of guns. You just can't use them. I can't use them. That's his tragedy. But I need them. Oh boy, do I need them. Well, that's a discussion for another time, but Ernie, you got to protect yourself.

Because I assumed that our Arnie has died. I mean, he was always on the brink of death. He was one off to do some errands. I'm sure he's okay. I doubt it. That's what they all say. And then we see a casket go strolling by town with the person in it. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Do they have caskets on Earth? Yeah. Ar yeah. Do they have caskets on your earth? Yeah, already do they have caskets wooden overcoats? Yes, big fan wooden overcoats. Good show. Right? So good.

Okay, now put this gun in your pants and then draw it out as quick as possible. But why don't you face it towards that window over there so you don't hurt anybody? Okay. Wouldn't it in my hands now? Oh, I threw it. Boy, I'm in the pants. In my pants, though.

Oh, do you hit me with a gun? Oh no. Oh, I'm so sorry. And you got it, it's a copperhead. Watch your butt. You have, you have your butt. You saw the gun. You saw his hat flew off and hit that diver in the eye.

The diver fell and jumped in that bucket. The bucket spilled over and the water went into a pool of snakes. And the snakes went everywhere. Someone asked to suck the poison out of my butt. Oh shit. Get to it, butt sucker. What, what did, no? Arnie, this has always been your role.

Oh, I mean, look, you said, are you gonna die from this poison? Oh, I doubt it. I'll be fine. Okay. I mean, I might act I doubt it. I'll be fine. Okay. I mean, I might act a little weird. Better safe than sorry. Yeah, why did you want me to just suck it out of there? Come on, you fucking butt sucker.

No! Come on, you gotta set that poison out of that wizard's butt. I look, if his life was really in danger, I would. And, you know what? Oh, I'm dying! Can you say it? Come on! Oh, hello! Finally! Something that's all killed even a wizard! Oh, I'm dying. Come on. Oh, hello, finally, something that's wrong. Kill even a wizard.

I recognize this, he's gonna die if someone doesn't suck that poison out of his butt. Nami, I'll do it. Oh, I swallowed it. You shouldn't. Somebody suck it out my mouth. Okay, fine. Thank you, thank you.

You really did save me, Arnie, thank you. I'm truly saved my life. Don't mind me. Because you seem like you legit in middle of your mind. You might die. Yeah, where you can't fucking die. I'm just talking horse. I'm talking horse.

So I don't have any. Thank you, wow. I feel a little lightheaded. Okay, Arnie, so it looks like you're bad with a gun, so we have to come up with another plan. Baron, do you know in the competition, if you're bad with a gun, so we have to come up with another plan. Baron, do you know in the competition if you have to use a gun? Well, I mean, I don't know if the rules are that strict, but I think to win you have to use a gun. What's the title of the event? It's called the annual quickdraw or annual shootout?

I thought it was the Hogswood annual shootout. Annual shootout, okay, okay. What else could you shoot? What else could you shoot? How does that shoot? Arnie, put down that rock, this is Bible on it. Okay. What else could you shoot? Arnie, put down that rock, this is Bible on it.

What else could you shoot? I could throw this rock. You could shoot your mouth off. I thought we were on to something, now you listen. I was, and there are no bad ideas in this face. Graham, Graham, come here. Oh, yeah. Graham, can you deliver a message to the Regune Times and capital city and...

I just got back from there. Yes. Could you tell the editor to stop using, you know, Rail Baron and Mineral Baron and Robert Baron as terms for industrialists. It's gotten to the point where people call me Baron more than my name. And it's like, the nickname's fun, but it's not my name, you know.

What part of the paper does that go in though? The editor, the editor will know. The, just decisions on how they refer to people of industry. I guess that's an opinion piece. What is that? Just decisions on how they refer to people of industry. I guess that's an opinion piece. What is that? No, it's editorial guidance in articles, like Will an article, referred to an industrialist as a baron, or will they just say, Mr. Ragoon?

So it's not really news. But it's editorial decisions about how the news is... So now I'm like an internal memo for you? Ha! Ha! Here we go! Arnie, Arnie! Yeah, I cracked it, I solved it.

Okay, you holding that rock. And the Baron telling a Graham to go tell his paper, something rock paper scissors. What are you doing rock paper scissors? You shoot! Yeah! So we've got to turn the shoot out into a Rochambo competition. That's right. And then, aha, that's how we trick people and not bringing guns. And then Miss Quibbert can bring a gun and fucking kill the Baron. But you'll win. I'm gonna bring a gun and fucking kill the Baron. But you'll win.

Show kill the Baron, but you'll win the tournament. Okay. Uh, what do I win? Uh... What is the bag? I haven't heard. What's the prize for winning the shootout? Well, typically it's that you live, but...

If we change it to Rochambot, everyone will probably live. Okay. You have to take the count to or three might die from embarrassment. And a basket full of rhubarb. Oh, die from embarrassment. And a basketballer rhubarb. Oh, that's right, a basketballer rhubarb. And the fear of the town. People are risking their life for a basketballer rhubarb? No Arnie.

And the fear of the town. Yes, exactly. They're risking their life to not die. A basketballer rhubarb. And the fear of the whole town. And $500,000. People are risking their life for the prize to not die. No Arnie, they're risking their life to not die. A basket full of rhubarb, the fear of the whole town,

a basket of $500,000. And a nickname, which everyone must now call them. Oh, what's the nickname? You decide. You get to pick your own nickname nickname like nobody gets to do that. The winner of the tournament does. Yeah and I think actually it's typically the name that you signed up with. So hand crank? Let's get going. Oh shit I'm gonna die in this other world aren't I? I survived seven plus years in a magical world and I'm gonna immediately die in a cowboy world.

Not really you were almost dead with that sword in you. Oh, that's right! Thank you, Yisador. You got a sword in you? You can hardly tell. I know. Well, look at this. Damn. Wow. Why did you show me your ass? I mean, I've lived in some way. It's like someone sucked a sword out of there. The only thing worse than someone surviving all this time and finally dying in cowboy world would be having to listen to that.

Use it or the blue and Ulysses's D la more were played by Matt Young. Champ the Talking Horse was played by Adel Raffaie. Solomon Ragoon, the railroad baron, was played by Chris Rathchin. Hello from the Magic Taven as an independent production. A glorious creative behemoth standing on the tiny shoulders of thousands of ant-like Patreon supporters, with names such as Sarah Klollinger, Klolinger, this is what happens without a fanatic spelling Sarah, Samantha Roan, Dave Lester, Rachel W, Chris Martinez, Meredith, Steve Muller, Jacob Locks, ooh from the nursery rhyme,

Jacob Locks, Taylor Vafox, kept his wife Gwyneth's head in a box. Who else? Ellen Field, Lindsay Locker, Megan W, Brandy Lion, the drunkest predator of the jungle, and Joe Jacobowski. Patreon supporters get two completely new bonus episodes each month, as well as add free versions of new and old episodes and all the magic taverns spin-offs. Even the bad ones! Plus, we recently announced a new stretch goal, apparently. At 4200 Patreon supporters, Arnie Adeland Matt will record and release an original real-play miniseries, DM'd by Anthony Birch of Dungeons and Daddies.

It's a bank heist, set in a grim city similar to Gotham, but not so similar that lawyers get interested. Can our heroes and my air quotes around heroes could not be more obvious, successfully rob a bank without being caught by superheroes? If you want to bring that mini-series into existence, and I don't, now's the time to join the Magic Tavern Patreon to help reach our stretch goal. To learn more about stretch goals and all the regular perks of supporting our podcast, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekam, Matt Young and Adel Ruffai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland, Cowboy World version of the theme by Eric Chikovar.