Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 40 - Bounty Hunter

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

The ominous bounty hunter Bubble Fat comes to collect the random money for Eggy Baby.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampGhusidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiBubble Fat: Shad KunkleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at the Bell House (Brooklyn, NY) on October 14th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

People of a... the following podcast is not real, and if trying to make sense of it from the comfort of your own home isn't good enough for you, the show, while still fake, will be at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on October 14th. You'll find a link in the show description, and I'll repeat this exact same info after the episode, if you're not in a place to take it in right now. I know I'm struggling with it. Now, let's take another clumsy stab at entertainment, shall we? Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tivern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Dr. Amy Camp. If you've never listened to a podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nipple Bottom, at the base of the unnamed mountain, in the magical land of food.

Woo, I got the whole thing, guys. Well done. Wow, take your shot, you earned it. Ah, okay. Down the hatch, you old snatch. Whoa, whoa. Oh, that was one of Claudia's favorite things to say. I know, if you notice, there's a lot more witches

around the tavern this week. There must be like a witch event going on. Well, it's witcher season. Oh, it's witcher season, huh? Yeah, you know, they come here and they, you know, they witch around and they, they witch it up and they get real witchy. I see. It's not the time for the annual any witch way, but Lucifer event. Oh, that's next week. Oh, that's next week, right? Yes, of course. It's very interesting that you bring that up. It seems like a very foolish thing you wouldn't know about,

where all the witches come together to celebrate Lucifer. They're very good friend. Ah, ah, ah, ah! All the witches, Lucifer, and a monkey. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yes, well, I mean, I mean, it's an orangutan, but uh same thing Don't say that to the orangutan is he right behind me. Yeah, yes, he's All right, give chanta break give him a break and he's gonna stick to it

You rip my face off. He ripped my face off. You can just make a new one Yeah, you're right you should be handing those things out like candy He ripped my face off! He can just make a new one! Yeah. Ugh. Oh, yeah, you're right. Phew. You should be handing those things out like candy. You should do that more often, frankly. Huh. Yeah, I'll give away my face.

That'll be my trademark. My calling card. My nom de bloom. Mmm. Yep. Dog. Here, let me stuff this, facing you back. If I were to buy your stuff something nice.

No. Ugh. This is worst. Anyway, I'm joined by my co-host, Yusudor the Blue. I was Yusud, oh, Wizard of the Twilthrel, Mothafesius Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trakis, the Elves Numius Fien-Yelik,

the Dwarves Numius Zonen and Hook Stinges, and I was known in the northeast as gasmwayneus may star until I defeat the dark lord, and became the ghost you see before you're now, boo! Uh-huh. Scares me every time. So you said or you are pretending to be a ghost now, right? Hey shut up. Oh, you're gonna be in it.

Okay, I'm sorry. You were very convincing. I don't want accidentally spoil it. Everyone doesn't need to know that I'm pretending to be a ghost. I mean, I'm in capoil. People can see through me a little bit. And I'm slimy and everything. Yeah, and Arnie, you would have gotten away with it too,

but for you, you've meddling shit. That's true. I am a meddling shit. You used to, uh, China had been me to talk to you about all the sliming. You've been sl- you've been sliming everything. Yeah. Yeah, well, does it feel good? Yeah, sliming makes me feel good.

Um, but I ran into some assholes last week. Mm-hmm. Who were trying to put me in this little box. Then they were gonna take that box and put it into a bigger box. And they tried to shoot me with these little light show things and I said, get out of here. I shan't be contained by the in containment unit. Nay!

Here's the thing you said, or what you probably should have said to them was m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m- I'm like, blah, blah, blah. Oh, okay. Yeah, I just like eat a hot dog. Yeah, like a lot of times. It's many hot dogs that you can sit in your mouth at one time. It's many hot dogs. I always say, when in doubt, eat a hot dog, be insane. Yeah, we're a hamdurger. If you're going in for a job interview and they ask you a question,

where do you see yourself in five years or something? Or what's your skill sets? Eat a hot dog, act insane. You'll get the job every time. I don't know what made me think this, but should I turn my head into an onion? Hmm, couldn't hurt. Okay, onions go in hot dogs. Onions is on hot dogs.

Onions is on hot dogs. And I'm also joined by my other co-host, who, as far as I can remember, is not a ghost, chump the talking badger. Face-whip, duh. Glitter in the air badger. Face ripped. Glitter in the air. Oh, thank you. That's a real beel, you shit.

This is my new thing. I'm gonna rip off my face and throw a glitter in the air. Chunk, glitter aside. I've noticed there's just a huge pile of treasure and valuable things that you've piled up on the table. And it's been here all week. I slimed it. Oh yeah, Arnie, I did a bunch of little quest and stuff

and I went to Castle Hawkspire because I had to raise the money for the ransom for Aegee Baby. Oh, that's right. Aegee Baby has been missing for so long. How's that coming along? Good, I think I have enough ransom to die into my pile of treasure Rubbed it on my armpits like it's water fits out goblet

Wait Did you swallow that whole goblet? Yeah, I have a quest to right now I'm supposed to collect 50 leaks. It's not a competition. Oh, no, I know I just I have to collect 50 leaks. It's not a competition. Oh no, I know. I just... I have to collect 50 leaks. Why? I'm not sure. I think I get a trophy. Can we just stick to my story, the main story?

Sure, yeah, of course. I just... Every time I look at the fucking... Things happen to me too. You're just talking to some farmer or you're like looking under pigs? Yeah. What is wrong with that? I'm looking under pigs.

Just for you. Just for you! Just for you! For a fucking badge, it's not worth it. Stick to this main story, please. Fine. You're gonna waste 80 hours looking for these fucking leaks, because you know what's gonna be on top of a barn at nighttime at 9.32, specifically PM or some bullshit. I have six.

Stop trying to platen them, fun. All right? You don't have to do everything in the whole world. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You're looking for leaks right now, aren't you? A little bit. Wow. So, Chuck, you have all your ransom money.

Do you know when the person is coming to collect the ransom so you can get eggy baby back? Um, no. When I collected all the ransom, I was supposed to go outside to the giant Elm tree, uh, cut my palm and draw a circle with my blood, um, under the full moon. So that was done a couple days ago. So, I guess we just played the waiting game. And I'm surprised. I've left this, this hoard of, uh, ransom on the table for the last couple of nights and nobody's, as far as I

can tell, nobody stole shit. Well, I think farting peach over there is trying to walk away with one of those goblins. Oh, that's fine. Don't worry, I slimed that peach. Ugh. Ugh. Never wanna hear that sentence again.

Ugh. Arnie, how would you show that in emojis? Um, let's see here, I would use a peach emoji and emoji and then hmm I don't know if there's a slime emoji but probably just like some some little water droplets coming off the peach to represent the slime. You should remember Arnie said on earth a lot of people use emojis to communicate. Yes I do remember that although when we were on earth and the 1980s I don't remember seeing one. Yeah I don't know that either. Phones didn't do good stuff back then. They did bad stuff.

No, the best thing they did was they would be like a sports illustrated football phone. And even that was only so cool. Oh, la la. It sounds fantastic, wonderful to me. A sports illustrated football phone. Sports illustrated football phone featuring Kathy Ireland Yes, tell us again of your favorite actress the lady Kathy who owns all of that land of iron look I will recount the entire plot of alien from LA again, but not now

No, no, no, Arnie not that one. I want to hear more about necessary roughness. Oh one I want to hear more about necessary roughness. Oh, all right well get ready for another exciting tale about one Mr. Scott Bakula. Oh boy. That's a bit of a leap. Well this has been a delightful enterprise but I would like to know do we have a guest this week. Oh, yeah, I'll be gonna talk to one of these witches maybe Oh, we should which which should we ask which which which should we ask which which should we ask Arnie hold on hold on Which which should we ask it's not that hard? I said it three times. Yeah, answer the fucking question which Oh, I'd love to but I'm a ghost Oh, I guess that's my job here pull out the chair try not to get pregnant Okay, I mean I do everything slow. This is a sex thing. He's got a cool helmet on. I'm going to approach the table.

Okay, no one moved. Wait, hold on. Do you want us to fall out the chair or not move? Because those are in total opposition. First, hold out the chair. Then go sit back down. Then push your own chair slightly away from the table, but not so far that you can't put your feet up on the table if you had to I'm having trouble hearing him through his helmet. Is anyone else having that issue? I'm sorry. Can you turn it the volume on your helmet?

Put your hands in the air! I approached the table! Well... Okay. Oh yeah. Oh, I put my hands in there. I don't went right through the shendily air boo! Excuse me every time And went to trolley sit down No, he's very relaxed

Do you know who I am? You're the asshole who made us pull out a chair for you and then not move the only person I know who says do you know who I am is Jeremy Piven are you Jeremy Piven? Not today. Do you know who my dad is? You all have something I want. Ooh, like a certain pizzazz. And I think you have some idea what you are in possession of, but you do not. The jewel of Cromphletor? Oh, is this like a riddle? Is it like... A promise? Oh my god. Oh! embarrassing. Do you see yet he has little index cards? He's been planning this moment in his head for weeks. He's having to get reading them through his

visor. I feel so bad. We didn't play. Okay, okay, let's... Oh, maybe he's writing lyrics to a song. It sounds sort of like one of Odie's emo songs. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I need to put my scoop down. I'll have to find it someday. It's not easy. Hey buddy, this is a good song. This is a good song. No, this is not a song. This is what I'm going to say to you because what you have that I want that's very important to me is my reputation back.

It still sounds like a song lyric. Isn't it just like a song lyric to be like, this is not a song? Yes, that's a, oh, that's a great, that's a great move in the song. It really throws me off because I'm like I'm enjoying this song Wait, I've almost never said this before we should stop fucking around What I just noticed something he has a little name tag on his armor that says bubble fat That's right you're the one who knows where my child is. I'm here to collect the ransom. Is this it? Is the pile of gems, gold and goblets on the middle of the table, the ransom? Yeah. This is the pay. This is the pay.

This is the pay. This is the pay. This is the pay. I have spoken. This is the pay. This is the pay. This is the pay. I have spoken, this is the pay. It's not a very good lyric. I have spoken, this is the pay. No, I have spoken, this is the pay. We're saying the same thing. Maybe if you do it in a falsetto. This is the pay.

My voice is very low. This mask can't really say any thing. Is it a mask or a helmet? Whether it's a helmet. Here, you take off your mask or helmet and I'll rip off my face on the kind of three. Here we go. One. I can't do that.

I can never take off my helmet, but I'm probably going to break that rule because it's being inside to not tell you what's going on. Oh, it seems like maybe you're inventing rules. They're actually causing you to have trouble with the storytelling aspect of your life. And maybe you just don't need to create a bunch of random ass rules that actually make the story telling more difficult, just to say.

I don't know, I could see how it could make it easier in some ways, like you could probably have an adventure and not even be in that suit. Or maybe it's that he doesn't want to take off the helmet, but we've seen Acne before. Oh, do you have Acne? He's riding a song. He's riding an emo song.

He's got Acne. How old are you, son? 15, 16. Ah! Ah! It's me, Simon Lemmington Bathom, you the third. You moreons. You ruined my life when I saved yours six years ago.

Oh. Six years ago yours six years ago. Hmm. Six years ago. Six years ago. Welcome back to the show. Yeah, welcome, welcome back. I know we all gasped in recognition, but who are you again? I'm Simon Lemmington Bartholomew, the third.

Oh, Arna, you may remember famously, I was murdered. The vampire version of me was killed by a Simon Lemme too. No, the crime, this is the vampire. Yes, and then afterwards, you guys called me a real ignorant person. And then I walked out the door after killing six perfectly good vampires, and I was cancelled by all of food. Oh. Well, you did it on Chantford, in October, which is a blood drive,

so it was a little controversial. Yes, but it's a blood drive for monsters. I was a monster killer. My job was to save people from monsters. They were all in one spot. Once you start killing, aren't you the monster? Oh, got you there. Hmm.

Why don't we take a quick break so that you can kind of recover from that sick burn? And then we'll be back with more Samba of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of a Pappa of what's this Simon? Bubble fat! And I'm then, that's my identity now. I'm Simon Lemmington Bartholomew, the third, is the third iteration of me after you guys ruined the first one, Simon Lemmington Bartholomew. Bubble fat! Bubble fat, where? I'm Bubble fat! Oh. So, Simon Lemmington Bartholomew, the third, you were saying? Yes, yes, the third now.

And my English is not great, but you weren't always the third. No, no, I was just Simon Lemmington Bartholomew, master monster hunter, killer of abominations. And then, after what I did, I killed six of your vampires, a wonderful day, even saved your friend, Usidor, because he was a vampire, and if he hadn't been killed by me, would still be a vampire to this day, and forever feeding off of people. I walk out, except now I'm a ghost. Yeah, it's impossible to understand what you are right now,

but nonetheless, trying to kill a ghost, idiot. I dare you. He was a vampire, now as a ghost, now we just need him to be a werewolf and we'll have three roommates. Oh my, that would be quite the slaughter apartment for me. Oh, guys smell a spinoff. We need to write this script you guys. I will be your first guest and the last episode that you have a film. Listen, hmm, wait hold on there's a lot to parse through there.

You'll be the first guest on our last episode that we film Yes, Arnie famously you don't film this right? I know Don't we just undo it how else are you going to capture a ghost if you don't put film around it? Listen buddy, I hate to I hate to burst your bubble fat But we've already had our first guest of this episode and it's an orangutan who ripped my face Eat a hot dog, love a glab of glab of glab of glab of! Oh my, is that some sort of fiend from the underdog? No, sorry, it's just me, I'm just, I was acting insane.

Oh, I see. We just love hot dogs. So, Simon three, yes. You killed Vampire used it or, am I, if I remember correctly, I still have to be a very valiant way where I was like, you get outta here, mister. No killing my buddies. Yes, that's not right.

You said I would never come back again, and you accused me of killing your friend. When we all know, it was the stone of Azrael that told me to do it. Hmm. Yes, the stone of Azrael told me to do it. I was just following the... I'm a Patsy! I was following the orders of the Stone of Israel! I mean, guys, let's give him a break. I've also been listening to the things that stones have told me to do.

And look at how it's turned out for us! I mean, do you know how fucking pathetic you have to be to SMP-A-STONE? Like, you're following a STONE's orders? Oh, man, sing a STONE? Larf. Well, not anymore. Damn thing has let me down. Oh, you broke up with your stone.

I lost your stones. Nags at me forever. Ever since that dark lord came into power, the stone was like, I'm going to save my own ass. And then just kind of took off and left all of us, monsternos, to go off on our own with no protection whatsoever. All the stone of Israel is just... stopped working. Oh.

I mean, it sounds like you've made a new career change and you've got this new identity now as a public fat, but if you're not happy you can still make a change and instead of hunting monsters, what about capturing them? Why not try to catch them all? Well, yeah, do you have the fucking balls for that, dude? Would make them easier to kill. That's certainly true. Think about this. Get them all in the same room. Get an enchanted ball that's capable of shrinking them down to pocket size. And then you could take these pocket-sized

monsters and create an entire index of all of them. Yes, and then fire them through one of my crossbows into another group of monsters and have them fight to death. Oh, I like that. Yes, you kill. Good. You could, sorry, I got another goblet my throat, you could. I, I was weird. Listen, I am here to collect the ransom for the egg kingdom,

which is headed up to the eyeballs with you. If you want their egg, you're going to have to pay the fee. Bubble fat never leaves without getting paid. Yeah, how does all this bounty hunter stuff work exactly? Well, it's mostly reputation. I just got to keep saying a lot of things and then people believe that. Because, basically, if, you know, one person hears me act tough and the other person, I can say the same thing to another person.

And they're going to hear me act tough and then everyone's going to start saying, well, did you hear about bubble fat? He's pretty impressive. Even though I never have to actually do any fight. So what you're really doing is... selling the mystique of yourself. Yes, branding myself, really. After you guys ruined my last brand of Simon Lemmington Bartholomew. You know, no one even bought my book!

My two heads after that. They all threw it in the river. Oh, uh, what was your book about? I'm sorry, I didn't buy it myself. It was about how my family died by beheadings. My wife and child were taken to the abyss also. My mother, who was killed by a harpy and my father, who was killed by a basilisk,

who chewed his head off when he went underneath the bed to look and see whether or not there was any monsters under the bed. I mean, yeah. Sounds like false advertising. Sounds like more than two heads. Well, yes, but it over the bed. I mean, sounds like false advertising? Sounds like more than two heads. Well, yes, but it's the two heads that defined me, were my mother and father, and then after that,

there were just heads after heads after heads. I even tried to come out with a comedy album, and everybody told me that that was unacceptable. I had a bunch of monsters whose head died cut off, and it was just pictures of me being funny, not actually reading anything, just an album, a photo album, me with pictures of heads that I had cut off, and everyone reading anything, just an album, a photo album with me with pictures of heads that I had cut off and everyone was like, oh this is

inappropriate. Even just the phrase pictures of me being funny makes me hate you. What? You didn't even see the book. You're just assuming that I wasn't funny. Look, I can be funny right now. Look. Stop making that pose.

No, don't. It doesn't work. It doesn't work because I don't have someone's head in my head. That's not the one. That's true. Should we get him a head real quick? Yeah, I'm cool with that. Where are we gonna get a head at this hour? Oh, I don't know. Oh, right.

I tried to get just grow back. See? Head is like, I'll hold it. See? This is me with a head. Okay. Yeah, it's better. It's better. It's a little bit funny. I just... I don't know. It's like if you're really funny for a picture Do you really need to like scrunch up your face or like make a weird pose or like I'm? Assuming the role of being funny. You're pandering and playing the role. Oh my gosh Well, I think it's it feels like you're trying to be funny by putting on a face or a voice Whereas you could just you know be yourself and that is good enough. I think you're enough

We think you're enough. We think you're enough. Is that a good song? Yeah, it's a good song. Perhaps I would be enough if I could just Get paid for this damn egg and then everyone would know that bubble fat came through again Listen, I know a few years ago Aegee Baby went missing and then There's something to do with Giselnob. I've lost track of it all,

but I had heard that Aegee Baby was with you, bubble fat, for some time, that you were some sort of older bounty hunter sort of leading him around. And then I got that note from the Aege kingdom. So I'm a little turned around, but I'm glad to hear that I'm very close to getting back my child.

And here, take this, take this, ransom, let me know if I can help carry it to your cart or put it in the back of your horse. Uh, I mean, I'd rather not do that because that hurts the horse. But whatever you want me to do, let me know and let's get this show on the road. No, it's fine. The egg kingdom supplies me with eggs that I can crack open and put a large amount of money and then reseal and carry as if it was just a single egg. Huh, and how do you not accidentally crack open the citizens of the egg kingdom?

Well, do you mark the eggs? Maybe yes. Oh, maybe if you put like some sort of UV stamp on them, and then all day you could carry them around to show responsibility. And then in like a week they could check the egg and see if you're fit to be about the hunter. And if there's a crack or something that might knock down your grade a little bit but you'd still pass. Well that's one way but it

sounds like you're scrambling up the idea. What I like to do is I use my best tar armor as you see on me right now. It's the armor that allows me to reflect any sort of attack on me whatsoever. It has limited the amount of crossbows that I can put on, that projecting in each direction. But it does allow me to use my nato mites, which are tiny little gnats that live inside my tar that may or may not do something I ask it to do. And what I do is I say nato mit, tell me if that egg is fertile or not. My little scope comes down and I'm able to look at the egg and identify whether or not it is empty and hollow inside or whether it's an actual member of the egg kingdom. I mean, it sounds easier just put them in boiling water,

but do your way. Yeah, I definitely wouldn't do that on the first date. Oh, and also tar armor, did you get that from the tar lack pit? That armor shop down the road? Yes. Well, it's the best tar that I got, that not the tar lack bit? That armor shop down there? Yes. Well, it's the best talk that I got, that not the tar lack throw away stuff.

I saved up my money, I got the best tar armor that there was. Ooh. Very nice. I don't know what's making me think of this, but are you the one that came in on that razor-crested hog? Yes, I fly by hogs with razor-crests on them. Oh, very, very attractive looking hog.

When I came in here, I thought, well, look at the crest on that hog. Yes, case we get into a pig fight. That's what you were talking about. Oh, yes, well, I was also looking under the hog to see if I could find a leak. Oh, oh, oh. Tell, every time I go to the bathroom, buddy.

Story of my life. So yes, I'm here to collect the ransom. And I'm also here to give you a little piece of my Is that Well, I'm not so interested in that second part. Can't we just take this money and go? No, no, I Worked my way all the way to the egg kingdom. Do you know how many months I spent just killing mice after I was canceled by your phoenix. Seven.

What'd you say? You asked me any months, I said seven months. No, it was more than seven months because it was more like two years. Eleven months. Well, close. Yes, almost two years. Why am I only one guessing? Were they mice or were they rats?

Swamp, swamp. I couldn't tell. I killed them so fast. It was very hard for me to know. I was just sad and bored and upset. Two minutes. No one was buying my book. Ten years.

No, two years. Two years. I didn't even tell us that. Yeah, give us multiple choices or fuck off. Yeah. No, I don't have, it worked out. I had it on no cards and then you guys started talking over me while I was giving my revenge speech.

And now I'm stuck just talking about it. Now I don't know where I am in any of the order. Look, you said, do you know how many months I spent killing rats? And I offered an answer because I thought you wanted to know that. We don't talk over each other. Listen, I spent two years killing rats for a silver piece of rat. And now, which is actually really good, because I can kill a lot of rats. I'm very, very agile with these crossbows.

I sometimes get up to hundreds. Is this when you're Simon 2, then? Yes, this is Simon Lemmington, Botholmue 2, the rat killer, and just very unsexy, and not very exciting. Everyone to say, what do you do for living? I kill rats. Tell me about the the killing of this rat. I would say well it was the same thing I do every day. I don't know if you guys know what this is like where you you know show up. You do the same thing every day over and over again without any sort of idea of you know how it's going to play out differently. So you're trying to make it a funny deep like today. Today I'll be a cowboy and I'll start killing rats It'll be cowboy raccule day on today today, you know perhaps this cow this right

We start dark or another And then I suddenly suddenly I don't gather my friends to kill the dark lord right but it's really just the same thing every single day Isn't it well we should take another break. We'll be right back with more Magic Daven. Excuse me. Oh, excuse me. Hey, I'm, I'm Mitch the witch. And I, I'm raising money for new familiar's Oh, what is this a box of chocolates? This is a box of chocolates my mama said you never know what you're gonna get

Huh what kind do you have is it normal? Kill don't kill But I was wondering if I could have some of this money It's a rate because with some of the witches need new frogs, or rats, or cats, or owls, as familiar, or maybe new birds. I'm sorry. Mitch, Mitch, excuse me,

but you've interrupted a ransom deal. Simon, and this is a time when I'm collecting money from everyone here, because we've kidnapped their child and yet you come over here asking about which stuff now you and I both know that that's not part of the deal so there's no reason to do it. Simon you're praying. This young witch is just trying to break it. But it's here. Take this goblet. Okay thank yourself. A new owl or boots or whatever whatever new clothes, whatever you need Thank you all or boots are cool. Oh kind of those three things. Yeah, that's all be perfect Thank you. The witches. Thank you

You're well, which I think I think the witches. Thank you Mitch the witch was pleasure to meet you What if you know I'm a witch? Yes, he's over there in the corner just enjoying himself Simon, I've got to say you really seem to have grown quite a bit since we've seen you last time look. You were very rude to that little witch. Yes. But didn't kill the witch? No. Which, you know, last time you were here, you killed a bunch of vampires.

Well, there were abominations. I probably saved thousands of lives that night by killing vampires who were going to go out and feed on the women children of the fume. Well we had just given them a bunch of blood for free so that's exactly they wouldn't have done that exactly. Yes well that's the thing of course is that that makes them more hungry. Oh witches and vampires are ticking time bombs. Hello Sherry to interrupt. Hold on a second Simon my name is Twila and as you can tell I have no ropes I am in on which it's a little bit healthier but I couldn't help but notice this young furry man was giving away free faces If I might procure some for spells Can you spare a face for Twila?

No, rip rip I can spare two! That's adorable, well done. Yes, Twyla, if you wouldn't mind it, it may ask me this question. What do you plan to do with this spell? What spell are you concocting that would require you to rip a face off and put into the pot? Bigger hands! Bigger hands! Bigger hands. Oh yeah.

Yes, it's a bigger hand. That's a good idea. What would you use the hands for? Just out of curiosity. Hold more faces. Right. Yes. Yes, hold more faces.

Well, hold more of everything. I mean, think about it. If you have bigger hands, you can just do more stuff. Yeah, I mean, now I, now, there we go. Is this too big? Oh, yes. High five, Arnie. The thumb hit me.

Sorry. Oh, I knocked Arnie against the far wall. Hey, let me go run and scoop him up. Yeah. Woo! Ah, you're... Oh, wow. That was wild.

Man, these witches are getting bolder and bolder about asking for money or faces or what happened. Well, I just wanted bigger hands. I mean, I liked that they're comfortable around us, but it seems like if we don't wrap it up soon, they might, they might all be asking for something. Hey, you do. Yes, it's so much easier.

Ah, too late. How are you all doing? Oh, how are you, ma'am? What can we assist you with this evening? Um, I was just wondering if I could also have a face. Oh, thanks. Oh, oh, yikes, she doesn't have a face. I don't have a face.

No. Let me grab this marker here. Draw you some eyes and some eyebrows and here's a nose and a mouth. Do you want a smile or a frown? Maybe something a little coy Okay, so just kind of a quick go and a winky eye and let me put some rollerblades on you and that's fun Let me ask you a question Excuse me. Excuse me. What is your name? Yes, what what is your name? My name is Hepsupi

Hepsupi yes, excellent and Hepsupi I Oh, I have that once. It is rough to get over. Yes. It's definitely takes some time. Hebs to be, I noticed that you don't have a face. Can you, let me know how you lost your face? Oh, well, I lost it at a spell, right? Yes. Had to promise it to a dark demon to- Yes, yes. I noticed you- To give me my powers. Yes, I noticed you're a green hag. Yes, yes, I notice you. To give you my powers. Yes, I notice you're a green hag. You tend to have illusionary capabilities. You could probably put a face of someone else entirely

on there, perhaps you could put a face of Arnie, for instance, on your face, and you could host this podcast. What if you were to kill Arnie, become Arnie, and then host this podcast? What if you all did that to everyone at this podcast? Yes, this is what I was. were to kill Arnie, become Arnie, and then host this Podscast. What if you all did that to everyone at this Podscast? Yes, this is what it is. How is this Arnie, guys?

You keep talking about. I don't want to talk about it. Oh, that's me. I just say that. That's what I'm saying. You are threat to this Podscast, and you probably need to leave all of food. Would that be possible?

Will you sign in? Will you sign in? Yes. Some stuff isn't your business You don't have to have an opinion or solution for everything. No, no, that's true Just the things that I can do something about right so for instance Yeah, do you want to never lose your face again? Sure? Excellent. Let me help pull sword cut off head Let me help pull sword cut off head

Never lose a face again she'll never lose her face again. He saw the problem. I mean he's right, but Her body is trying to get up as she keeps kicking it. That's okay. I can help it cut off feet Yes, now there's no kicking of her own head. What happened to Hepsupine? Mitch? Oh, Mitch, buddy. Hey, listen, run. Go as far away from here.

Oh no, I can't. She was my ride. Oh, that's fine, Mitch. I actually, I agree. Go ahead and run. Okay. Go ahead and run away from me, excellent. Okay, here I go.

Yes, I'm running. Firepricebow with rope attached. Pull, here I go. Yes, I'm running slow. Yes, fireprospo with rope attach. Pull you back to me. And that's the thing that you threw the chest by razor grists. Honestly, this is the most dangerous game I have ever seen. Yes. That was gross.

Well, now why, how are you killing all these witches? When you're supposed to just be here to collect a ransom? Everyone calm down. I'm just dealing with a few situations as I come to collect the ransom. It's not that big of a deal. There is simply me collecting. You're making situations. These people are just mining their business. These people are bombinations.

They are monsters. They are here to kill and injure innocent people. I'm just simply making sure that they don't do that. Oh no, Twilah's back. Hi, yes, Twilah. Yeah, well that's not to be greedy, but two more faces, equals Twilah's big hands. Yes, oh look at that, the big hands.

Twilah! Twilah, you get away. Don't, you get out of here. Oh, two words, sounds like run. Oh no, Twilah, can I interest you in some dinner. What is it to chew feast on? Oh Maybe just a nice prime rib. Yes, and what kind of meat beef? Oh, is that crazy? No, no, that's fine. Let's get a beef prime rib for twilight. I'll pay for it. The ransom. Well that's very nice. So, all order up.

Very nice. All order up. Absolutely. Prime rib for this witch over here. Excellent. If you wouldn't mind twilight, I just want to whisper a apology in your ear. If you wouldn't mind. Oh, sure.

Let me just lean my head down towards you exposing my neck and making myself absolutely prone. Absolutely. I just wanted you to know that I respect your profession. I respect what you do. And by no means whatsoever is any damage going to come to you unless you become an abomination or a monster and someone else. So you're free to go. I'm looking forward to really purchasing this beef prime rib for you.

Oh you keep bringing it up. You keep, sorry, sorry, you keep bringing it up. It's not a treat if you keep mentioning how you pay for it. It's not, it's not nice to pay for something if you keep bringing it up. I'm sorry, I've got to light you on fire. If you keep bringing it up! I'm sorry, I've got to light you on fire. WHAAAA! Oh my! Oh god. Goddases. I also have a thing with people who don't express gratitude.

I accept a law. I am a queen of justice. Yes. I can accept. Yes. To the most I know. And not all of my people. Yes Enough Finger crossbows on your eyes

Yes Look at that was probably good. I that one was probably fine. That one I can't see like real. Well interestingly enough, she's working with the egg people. Oh, Don Omelet hired her and she's actually here to check on my work. Oh yeah, Don Omelet and Fred Tata, right? Yes, Fred Tata and Don Omelet both hired me. That which was sent here to check on me. I'm just killing her because I don't want to be bothered by work. I'll stop. I'll stop. I'm pretty fucked up plan to make her and bleed from the eyes and oh I stopped listening a while ago

To where she was. Oh, I see she seemed off Simon, do you have like an address where you're supposed to deliver this ransom? Yes, the Ed kingdom to the big egg in the center of the Ed kingdom. Okay. Yes. That's where they're keeping everything Sorry, not to get hung up on details. How do I collect my child? Oh, not my problem. I've just simply here to collect the ransom and bring it back. Can I get a receipt? Well, I don't really have any on me right now. Yes, because if I just give you this hoard of treasure and ransom, you can just take it and say, I never paid you and then

I'm back where I started from, so maybe you can see the predicament I am in. I see, I see, yes. Chun's got to point out that really every job is customer service now, so when you think about it, you know, is there someone that you work for that we could talk to? Can I talk to your manager? Can I talk to your manager, please? Can I talk to your manager, please? Can I talk to touch your manager please? You have to travel. Can I touch your manager please?

Yes, sure. What would you like me to tell him or her? Okay, progressive. Okay. I just want to know where we would go to speak to them. Well, you don't have to go to the edge kingdom. Today kingdom. And if I were going to put that into ways, my new horse. Yes, you would then say to your horse, I want to go to the egg kingdom. And then of course, your horse would follow its nose

to the smell of eggs. Well, it's nose. What if we get, I don't know, carried a drift by the scent of fruit? Mm, and that would take you to the fruit kingdom, and that is a very different place. God, guys, we gotta visit the fruit kingdom. We gotta go at some point, just follow our nose.

I keep trying to go to the fruit kingdom, and I end up on a window sill with a pie that's cooling. Yes, look out for the fruit flies in the fruit kingdom. Very tenacious. The fruit flies? Yes, they eat all the fruit, and they don't like to share. The fruit flies and they eat all the fruit. So they're cannibals?

Yes, that's exactly right. Are we saying the same thing? I think so. I'm 100% sure. Let's not fly there, let's walk. Let's go fruit by the foot. Boo. Ah.

Well, speaking of fruit by the foot, do you have some sort of bubble tape that you can measure this ransom with? Do you have like six feet of bubble tape? I have tape made of fat, yes. Oh yeah, can you just use that? I can just pull it off of part of my best car here. Part of my business is not only protecting myself,

but providing packages should you need to mail anything at any point in time. I think what we can do is since we have this audio equipment here, thank you, Arnie, we can record me giving you the ransom, if you just want to say the measurements into this device right here, and then we'll have record of you receiving it. Yes, certainly.

I'm bubble fat, I've received the ransom, and I'm going to return it to the egg kingdom so that I can complete this show. I tell them how large it is, the dimensions. It's a lot of gold, and it's about 16 by 2. Very thin line of gold, about the size of a large board. But it's pure man, it's uncut. It is gold, it can take multiple shapes depending on what type of container you put the gold into and fill it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's reliable. Since Mitch is dead, we can add that goblet back in too. Oh yeah. Thanks, Mitch. Thanks, Mitch. Thanks, Mitch.

I gotta tell you guys, I am so relieved to finally be reunited with my eggy baby. I miss my kid so much, I haven't seen him in forever. And you know what, you know how cute and adorable and smooth and egg-like my child is? I don't know if I've ever told you this. His real name is Squogar. Wait, you took all this time to tell us this real name? Yeah, I just, have I not said it before,

his name is Squogar. Squogar. I mean, I just have I not said it before, his name is Squogar. Squogar. I mean, I just assumed his name was Eggie Baby because I looked at it and it was a baby that was an egg. I'm gonna continue to call it, Eggie Baby. All right. Well, no, sorry, no,

canonically his name is Squogar. All right. It's kind of rude to call him Eggie Baby when you know his name. I can understand prior to this knowledge, but now that you know, call him Skogar, please. Fine, let's settle on the middle, and we'll just call him the child.

Now, you know even though you've paid the ransom, there's only about a 50% chance that you're actually going to get your Iggy Baby back. What the fuck? What? What? Skogar. Yes, well, that's the way ransom works. chance that you're actually going to get your eggy baby back. What the fuck? What? Squall guard. Yes, well that's the way ransom works. It's not like a real carefully customer service based system. I mean, they are basically asking for money in exchange for a life.

And that's not basically. It's literally. Yeah, it's literally. Yeah, it's exactly right. But these are the same people who would steal an egg. So you can't really trust them with a baby. What if we kill you? Yeah, let's just kill you.

Oh, that's impossible. No, I'm so sorry. I don't think you can do it. First of all, you're the best. Push him over. Oh, now I can't get back up. All right, quick. All right, guys, here's my plan.

Let's get him out of this suit and let's go to the egg kingdom. Okay, that's all right. Stuck to the floor. Let me make my hands giant again and let me just... Oh, my slime will help get that armor off. Oh, ah! Here we go.

Well, it's a slime. Do you have any idea how hard it is to put that armor on? This is ridiculous. Nanomites reassemble my armor. Oh, they might not do it. Hahaha. Such a frustration. It's frustrating. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might not do it. Oh, they might a minute you just haven't washed this suit that's what this is no this is best tire this is the best tire you can put on your suit and certainly not because I haven't washed because I'm really into washing really into washing it doesn't work

no I'm homeless don't have anything so I sleep on the streets this is the first paycheck I've had since all of you had me canceled, because I killed all the vampires. That's right, I've been walking the streets, looking for work. This is the first job, so I assembled a bunch of armor out of Tarn, thought I would be more threatening. But ever since I lost the stone of Asriel, I'm just not worth anything anymore anymore. No. I realize that the real monsters are the people who abandon you when you need them the most. No, Simon, the real monsters are the people who complain about being cancer.

You know what? We're going to take off and head off for the Ed Kingdom. You know what? We're going to have a fun little road trip. I'm excited about that. And while we're gone, you know, you killed a couple witches Simon. There are a lot more witches in this tavern right now and they're pretty tough. If I were you, I would get out of here before they kill you. Well, I've already got a couple meetings with them about settling some oils that I'm not sure how that's going to go over, but they also told me to go down to the dating pool and hang out with them there. I'm just gonna take my chances.

Things haven't been going so well. Kill the man, kill the man. Oh, here they come. Arnie, run, they're gonna kill you. We gotta get out of here. They don't mean me. No one refers to me as a man. Make your way to the egg's kingdom.

I'm going to stay here and I'm going to fight witches until they die. And maybe I don't get back with your ransom money in time by the time you get there. But I'm gonna try to get this other job done before I drop off your ransom money so that they will then make sure that your egg child survives. Oh, stab right through the gut.

You should have monologue, buddy. You heard the coming out of you. Yes. I drink his blood. Oh, god, this is terrible. No. Well, if this works out, you'll see you again in six years. Let's get the fuck out of here. Someone, please.

Help. See you then, man. six years. Let's get the fuck out of here. Someone, please help! See you then, man. And now, let's turn him into a witch! No! No! Oh, hey, you're so bad. Hey, witches. Cause I kind of like them.

I'm confident in saying we will never see that character, and possibly that voice actor, ever again. Usuror the Blue was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adolfie. Bubble Fat the Bounty Hunter, who was really Simon Lemmington Bartholomew III, the monster hunter, was played by special guest Shad Kunkel. Shad is a game enthusiast and spends his time in the post-COVID era, working as a communications and presentation coach, answering the age-old question, what happens to a dream deferred? Shad also builds escape rooms for corporate events, and bear in mind the

phrase escape room can apply to any room where Shad is explaining the rules of whatever game he's currently into. Shad is surrounded by a loving family all more talented than him, including his dog Daisy. Shad congrats on a guest appearance where you didn't murder one of the show's three main characters. The rest of these credits pale in comparison to details about the upcoming Hello from the Magic Tavern live show at the Bellhouse Theatre in Brooklyn, New York, Friday, October 14. Tickets available now, which I guess means we're really going through with this. Click on the link in the show's notes, go to Hello from themagictavern.com, then click the Live Show's tab, or get the link from the

Magic Tavern Facebook page, or at Magic Tavern on Twitter. There are lots of places to find it. For the record, Shad Kunkel is not scheduled to be part of that show. I'm ready to buy my ticket. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like Matty Mayas, Gable, Lestandir, Tinidin, clearly the product of an elf banging a seeing stone. Matty O'Toole, Jot, Kathleen Suisky, who adds 10 points if you can pronounce it correctly, to which I say this is in a game, Kathleen, I don't want your points. It's not like we're awarding the Hogwarts House Cup in the last 10 pages of one of the books. Okay, Kruth Lane, Sawowski, Steve Mank, Heather Locke, Jonathan Levinthal, Skittles, Daphne Sharp, Brooke, Luke Roskamp, Patrick Wright, and

Josh Barwin. Yes, Josh. Patrons get ad-free episodes in at least two new bonus episodes each month. In fact, this is one of thosefree episodes and at least two new bonus episodes each month. In fact, this is one of those months where it's more than two bonus episodes. Because the stretch goal commentary track for Star Wars a new hope dropped on the Patreon feed last week. Clip! Whoa! Oh, guys, I almost missed it. Yeah, yeah. This is one of the coolest things. It's a light saber. It's a sword made of, I don't know, lasers. It's a laser sword.

Well, it's called a light saber, so it must be made of light. Yeah, but here's the thing. Otherwise, it would be a laser saber. I know, but it does more than light stuff. Like, you can use it like a sword. You can cut things with light saber. Yum. Okay, look, maybe I just need to orient you to a little bit better.

This this fools the one who who taught the other one. Yes, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. He is a Jedi master. And he teaches others in the ways of the Jedi, but unfortunately, sometimes the way of the Force, which is the weird magical Jedi religion, sometimes that can have a dark side. And, you know, I guess I'm probably not explaining it as eloquently as... Ernie, you're sweating pretty bad. Oh, I think you're explaining it while he was explaining it to us.

Oh, okay. Okay. So maybe I should just let you watch the movie. Man, everyone in this movie is so fucking horny for this projection. Stop watching it. Look, that's all they have. Find a real woman. This is the only movie in the whole internet. Look, it was a different time. To hear all two hours plus of that, and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com-slash-magic-tavarn and get on board.

Hello from the Magic Tavarn is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Rafaie. I rush through this part. Is it obvious? Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathjinn. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. you