Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 41 - Artificer (w/ Anna Prosser)

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

Arnie and the gang meet an artificer who may know more than she lets on. Or she may not.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampGhusidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMavis the Artificer: Anna ProsserMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at the Bell House (Brooklyn, NY) on October 14th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but it is on the road. That's because last week our main characters abandoned their familiar location for a quest. No, not for five star iTunes store reviews. We learned long ago those weren't in the cards. Take them, slow burn, we don't want them. But now there's adventure to be had. So find a good comfortable chair, put on your favorite dressing gown, lower the lights, turn the TV up real loud so you don't have to listen to any of this, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, the road to Eggie Baby.

I'm your host, Darnie Neacamp. If you've never also had a podcast with more, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the burger camp. Where's the dimensional route? Sorry, I fell off my horse. Did you make sure and say road to Squalgar? Oh, yeah, I did. I did. I said hello from the medic tap and wrote the school car Okay, good guys. What school car again? That's that's the name of my Child my egg. Oh, it's not eggy baby. No, it's cool guard. Did you say wrote the school car? Yeah, I did

I did I think that people didn't know its names. They just assumed they saw it and they're like that's an eggy baby It's an egg and it's obviously trance babies. They just started calling it eggy baby because they needed to call it something. No, I mean I've been calling it eggy baby for a long time but I'm just saying now that I've revealed the name I think we should go by Skogar. All right, I already pick up where you left off. I still prefer the child. Anyway, we've been recording this podcast in the land of Foon, in currently, or on the road, trying to retrieve Shun's missing child from the Egg Kingdom, which is named Squogar, Squogar, and Squogar.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, the road to Squogar. I am joined, as always, by Mike co-host, Junt the Doggy banjo. If you just picture yourself squatting over a garter, that's how you remember it. Squawgar. Okay, I can't picture that. Now Arden close your eyes.

Okay. Picture a garter on the floor. Now you're squatting over. Squawgar. What's a garter? Garter's like a little belt for your legs. Okay. Just keep your legs up.

Keep my legs up. Okay, let's keep your legs up. Keep my legs up. Okay, yeah, fair enough. Finally, rest my legs. I am also joined by my other co-host, Usador, the blue who is dead and is a ghost. I was Usador, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow,

manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Turokus, The elves Numiya's Fyinge Elec, The dwarves Numiya's Zoning in Hook Stangies, And I was known in the North East, As gasp-wainiest May Star, Until I completed my true purpose, Where I and I did defeat that Dark Lord, And now I am a ghost from another realm, ooooh!

Wink! Wink, not really a ghost from another realm. Wink. Wink, not really a ghost. I gotta say, I love how you've been riding your horse. Arnie, have you seen this? The fact that he's like basically inside of his horse, like his head is kind of sticking out of the top of his horse. The arms are out the side, and the legs are out the sort of bottom. Almost like as if he's so ghostly and so transparent,

he fell through his horse and got stuck. I think it's so So fun that sounds people as we go through different towns have been loving it. I think it's great Yeah, it's like a weeble wobble rides a horse and I can strike any sort of pose I can do that one that only calls the Jeff Goldblood How do you think of that pretty good? Thank you. Uh uh uh good I like it. Yes, but now that we're on the road, I think that we should take advantage of this time to help prepare us for a way to truly defeat the Dark Lord since I didn't really do that

and he's still trapped in the basement. And I know of her tale of an amazing artifice who lives nearby. We should go to her shop and we should find if there's any weapon or manner of creation or invention that could help us and on quest to finally defeat all of evil as the goddesses demanded. You, Sador, are you saying this really just because you need to stop and use the restroom? I mean, I do need to potty. Okay.

Oh, was it got a piss? Oh, Arnie, uh, before we- Wait, before we go to the shop, I do think to potty. Okay. Oh, was it got a piss? Oh, Arnie, uh, before we- Wait, fun to me. Before we go to the shop, I do think we should play another round. I know you hated it, but I love my little on the road game, care or whack. So I'm gonna say something, and you tell me if you care about it, or if you don't, I get to whack you in the shins.

Oh, okay. I'll go first. Okay, the topic is on the road care or whack bugs Okay, great Arnie your word is flat toes I'll go again, okay, Arnie Also, why did you hit me that time? You're supposed to hit me? He said, honey. It was my turn, but he clearly said, honey. If you don't know the rules by now, of care or whack, I don't know what the fuck can tell you. You clearly don't care.

Whack! Blah! Alright, let's go find the shop. Arnie, what is a bog anyway? We've passed several. I don't know. I don't care. Is it like a smoking swamp? Yes, it's a you usually have to wait through it Wait through a bog. Ooh sounds like it could last for 12 to 13 years have a pretty good average What would you consider a pretty good average for a for a bog anything over 300? It's usually pretty good Okay, it's hard to con say go pretty good. Okay. It's hard to con sayko.

Well, we did them all. Johnny bench. What? I don't know. You know Johnny the bench. There's a Johnny the bench. You didn't sit on him, did you? I don't think so. What happened if I did? Nothing. He just won't stop talking and starts falling you around. He's just a weirdo. It's up here on the left. Follow me! Oh, you found it, you're here. That's me. That looks nice. Wow, so much...

Ornate line on the door here. I love this. Now, Arne, you've met many denizens of food all the years, and I must beg of thee. Yeah. Don't act like yourself today. Huh? Treat this person with respect. What? And treat this person as if they may have something that would be incredibly useful to us,

because they might. Okay. So, just don't ask one of your dumb poop questions or one of your dumb smart poop questions. Just treat them nice, all right? Okay. Because this is important to me. Can you use the best behavior Arnie?

None of this, can you do a back flip stuff? It's exhausting. You and Bear, honestly, you and Bear is us. Are you and Bear is us? Did you know that Arnie, do you know why? A lot of times when you write the card up in front of the tavern why we ask you to let us out a few miles back? Because we don't want people to see you dropping us off at the tavern. Be on your best behavior. All right, I'm gonna open the door. Okay. There we go Hello

Well, welcome to Babe. This is Marvel's Welcome to Babe Mrs. Marvels. Oh. Make yourself a home. Oh, she's on the back of the door. Hi. I never saw that coming. I like to keep watch from here. Huh.

That's a good idea, because as soon as the door closes behind you, you know exactly who's in the shop. Yeah, and you go for a little ride. That's true, and I can jump right on them if necessary. Oh, very smart. I built this little step on the door just for that, see. Ooh. It's a marvelous invention. I built this little step on the door just for that, see? Ooh. It's a marvelous invention.

I know. Oh, I'm very impressed, frankly. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Let's allow me to introduce myself. I am Yusador the Blue, one of the great wizards of this room. Although I'm currently a ghost. You are? Yeah, try to put your hand through me.

I dare you. Yeah, now you got slime on you Ectoplasm they call it. Why are you go slimy? I don't know. It's just a sample of your Big oh sure here. You just want a little of that slime. Yeah, let me put it in this this tube here. Okay. There you go I'm gonna go put it It's called a centrifuge. I invented it. Oh Yes, you said or you said or is it a good idea? It's called a centrifuge, I invented it. Oh! Wow. Yes.

Usador, is it a good idea? Since you're not really a ghost, to let a smart person examine your slime, like, what is that stuff? Eh, what's she gonna do? Arnie, Arnie, John, what? Do you know what a centrifuge is? Cause I just said, oh, damn you. It could be a book.

It could just be a block of wood. I thought it was fudge. May this, if you may, on Shantay. My name is Chant. Hello Chant. And this here is my pet Arnie. Hi. I've never seen a pet Arnie before. No, no one has. He's the first. That's true.

Where did you get him? I found him in a bog. Yeah. A bog. Yeah. A bog. Yeah, that's right. There's lots of bugs around here. I found him in one of these bogs, so. How near here?

It might be on my property. He might be my pet. Oh, well, we've been traveling. I believe it was a few miles back. You have certification. Documents of some kind. Arnie, show your papers. Let me see. Oh, I'll, he has all the shots. miles back to that's right. Do you have certification? Docuettes of sub-Cide? Arnie, show your papers.

Let me see. Oh, I- He has all the shots. Don't worry, I carry all of Arnie and trunce papers on me so that people don't, uh, here you go. Here, Arnie and he camp. Uh, Dennis, uh, Citizen of Foon, I got him this certificate a few years ago as a gift. I lied about finding him in a bog.

I know this guy. I'm from another world. I mean, we've lost him in bogs and found him in other places, so it wasn't really a lie. Oh yeah, I remember that run of episodes, bog wild. I love to that. Let's get back to that. You have episodes?

You should get that checked out. Oh, oh, well, you're not wrong, but Arnie here is from well, we don't need to get into it But he hosts a podcast, which is why we have this microphone here And he's gonna record our conversations on the road Yeah, ethically, I should probably let you know everything we're saying is being recorded What? What? Recorded

By some magic that exactly's exactly, yes. Then it's transmitted back to Audi's world, the world where he originates from. Imagine a town cryer in the middle of a square was yelling out to all the people and telling them different stories. But then imagine there were millions of town cryers and nobody gave a shit about what any of them said.

Interesting. That's what podcasts are. Well, surely someone would give a shit about what I say. So I clearly need a microphone. Yes, Arnie You're being rude give her give her give her a piece of your microphone for her simple fudge here Well, here's the whole microphone just for you. This is wonderful. So if I just speak into this the whole world will Taste my glory The whole world one would say it. Hmm. The whole world.

One would say it. Maybe, you know, a few hundred thousand people a week, I don't know, the whole world. Yeah, I mean mostly people who are either commuting or don't want to pay attention to their work. Interesting. Commuting. As in between planes.

Sort of. That was just theoretical. Mm-hmm. About half of them are trying to fall asleep, boss. Wait a minute Arnie, you told me committing between planes was dangerous. You said you could fall thousands of feet. Well, Jijon Claude Van Dam can do it, but nobody else. I'm going to say everything from now on into this pipe or bone you gave me. I think we discussed this before. No, I would remember that. Oh, okay. Ah, honey, don't worry. It's mostly just glue and baking soda.

Okay. I've been eating glue and baking soda. Wait, you made slime? You didn't just magically produce it? Yeah, I was sort of a fun craft one day, so I thought I'd make some. I'm having it ready to go when I'm a ghost, you know, having a ghost form.

Oh, you probably bought it here. Look, I have some in this tube and my center fugits the same substance. Of course, you bought it for me. I invented it. Oh, um, uh, actually, I think I just gave that to you a few moments. No, it's a great, it's a great slime. I sell it to everyone. Oh, how much? Mmm, this tube I, I would let go for four gold. Four gold, that's a good deal. I'm gonna get in on that.

Yeah, get it while you can, you're gonna need it. That's a good deal. That's a good deal. One, two, three, four gold, four gold. A fair price, thank you. Pleasure doing business. But do you need more to study since I also create the slime? I've always doubt to study any new substance.

Let me, yes, let me take a sample. Well, here, give me the one that I bought always doubt to study any new substance. Let me, yes, let me take a sample. Well, yeah, give me the one that I bought, and then I'll take that back and I'll still let this in. There you go. Here you are. Wonderful. Thank you. I'll put that in the center of the future.

And I'll get back to it later. Excellent. Aren't transactions fascinating? The business here is so weak. Maybe. Do you mind if I interview you a little bit about your background? Oh certainly, yes, everyone wants to interview me. I have so many accomplishments to speak of, of course. I'm happy to share my knowledge with the world.

Should I do it into the Smivered and Done? Yeah, do it right into the Piperbone, right? Okay. So Mavis, how long have you lived here in this little out of the way part of food? Well, I came here after I parted ways with the council of of artificers with whom I was doing business. Perfectly mutual. They asked me to leave, but I mutually also wanted to leave. So therefore it was just a mutual decision. I hate to pry, Mavis. Why did they ask you to leave? You know, differences in scientific method. They just, some people just think differently, you know, and I, you know, here, I don't like

to gossip, but they just kept trying to take credit for all of my ideas, and I wouldn't let them. And, you know how that is, you know? I do, because I have also been kicked off of the Wizards Council. They don't want anything to do with me. I've heard the worst thing is about the Wizards Council. Oh, well, I mean, with someone like Spin Tax the Green. More like spit, but the mean.

That's good. That's a good one. That's a good one. Ah, spit, but. You said, are you alright? He's riding it down. I get down, we're gonna be friends. Yeah, I got to write this down.

Oh, you said are really hate spit butt. Wait, you said you have a burn book? Yes, I do have a burn book. What if somebody finds that? Well, then Arnie's going to be very angry. You shouldn't bird books. It's... morally reprehensible.

It is morally reprehensible. And, uh, I love all sorts of books, tomes, grimwas, uh... spell books, I particularly love spell books. Did you know Arnie comes from a world where they don't put spells in books? What do they put them in? They don't- they don't have spells at books. What do they put them in? They don't have spells at all. What do they use to do magic?

I don't know. Computers? Bluh. Dump. Buters? Don't get him started on computers. Yeah. And he says sunsets are magic.

Mm-hmm. Well, sunsets are magic. I mean, clearly, who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who p- who mean clearly who would who who pokes the colors of the sky if it's not magic That's a good point I know we I don't mean to be rude, but you you clearly haven't thought this out My bad my bad. That's all right. You know the goddesses gave birth to Bruce the sky god for some reason Oh, yeah Bruce. We're friends friends good friends. Yeah, Bruce, we're friends. Friends, good friends. We're friends with Bruce. Yeah, we go way back. Oh, that's good.

That's very good to know. So do you infuse magical spells and things into the Clingy crate here to a marvelous shop of marbles? Yes, I think that the intersection of science and magic is where truly the best ideas are born, you know, and so that's why I'm so interested in this Liger Tome that you gave me. Oh this pipe or bone. Yes, that Piper bone really isn't better name

Well before we get into this pipe repair boot, maybe I hate to bother you, but do you have a little wizard room? My friend here is, start to lose it. A little wizard, I, well, I have this box, you could put, if you were to cast a spell to shrink a wizard down small enough, you could put it in this box, and that would be a little wizard room. Perfect, well, you should start

just gonna use the little wizard ghost ghost room and we'll be right back with more Mavis. Here I shrink. Oh, I don't know if he's going to get it all out. Hey, listener. It is Jason Bateman. We've been fortunate to attract so many a list guests to our Smart List podcast,

but we've never put together a lineup quite like this. I'm talking about Will Ferrell, Conan O'Brien, Kevin Hart, Mark Cuban, Jimmy Kimmel, Matt Damon, and more available four weeks early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. If you've seen our docu series, Smart List on the road, you know we had an incredible time on our tour where we recorded 10 amazing interviews.

Sean. This is Sean Heist. Not only are these some of the best episodes that we've ever recorded, but the atmosphere with the live crowd is unlike anything we've released before. It was incredible to engage with an audience of thousands of our biggest fans as we traveled all over the country from Brooklyn to Los Angeles. You can listen to these episodes four weeks early and add free with 1-3 plus. Find 1-3 plus in the 1endry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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think twice as an attempt to reconcile hour conflicted emotions about Michael Jackson, the man, with our deep-seated love of his art. Listen to Think twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can binge the entire series at free, unaudible or the Amazon Music app. So, maybe, uh, uh, have you learned anything about the slime that you took from me yet? I never took any slime from you. I don't know what you're talking about. Sword. No. Well, then what's in that tube over there? Oh, that tube is a compound that I've been working on, a medical compound, yeah.

Oh, how much is it? Well, you see, I haven't finished it, so it's possible. I'll give you ten gold See it might cure all diseases fine 20 a hundred and you have a deal fine Use it or what are you doing? It's a good deal. It might solve it. It's what film this. Thank you. There you go There's a hundred gold. Thank you pleasure doing business with you. All right. Put it on my psoriasis Okay, there you go. Is that helping? That's tingling.

Does that mean it's working? Probably. That's probably the baking soda. I hope this isn't a repeat of that herbal essence Arnie gave me. Mm. It feels orgasmic. You're at the far, it looked wonderful though.

Uh, I don't know. I guess it's less itchy. I really can't tell. How do you condition your fur? Oh, I train it. You train it. Yep, every morning I sat in my fur 33 times. You will glow. You will glow, then 31 more times.

And then it just sort of, sort of that conditions them to be On their best behavior I guess let me get a closer look at those hairs. Do they are they sent to it? Is this why you talk to them? You know what I am a shape shifter and I can if you don't mind I'm gonna rip off my face here I can rip off parts of my body and grow them back But I don't know if the pieces I rip off then become their own Chunts that might be a nightmare situation. I'm gonna just take this face for examination. Sure, yeah, let me just grow back mine,

so we're not in a weird situation where you have to tear mine. This is disgusting. Yeah, right, yeah. That's all right. Put it on a pumpkin. Chun, just last week you ripped your face off like a dozen times, so in theory there could be dozens of chunts running around. Well, that's just from the faces. I mean, not to speak of all the other parts I've ripped off of

myself or lost in battle. I mean, if each one grows back into a new chunt, we're talking about to carry the one, carry the one, carry the Arnie. Stop pretending like you know how to do math. Carry the Arnie. Stop pretending like you know how to do math. Thousands of chants. It has to be. Can I have your tail? Um... I'm actually pretty fond of it, but yeah, I can grow back a new one.

Let me just... Here you go. Thank you. Oh, quite... quite luscious. That is beautiful. I'm gonna hang it from this rafter here. I think it's a good decoration. Oh, that's nice.

I like it looks nice. It really brings the place together. I never realized how good I look hanging from the rafter here. I think it's a good decoration. Oh, that's nice. I like it looks nice. It really brings the place together. I never realized how good I look hanging from the rafters. Well, I have to ask, Chant, what is a group of Chants called? That he had a murder of Chants? No, there's still lives. Oh, I think a Chunk of Chants. A Chunk of Chants. A Chunk of Chunks. I think that's kind of fun.

Okay. All right. Just curious. Or maybe even a bucket O. Bucket O'Chunks? Yeah, that's kind of fun. Okay. Yeah.

Arnie, spin-off series. Lawn order, chunk of chunks. Lawn order. What does that have to do with it? Maven, we are... Wait, you have something to do with the law? You didn't say that. You have to show your badges if you come in here and you're part of it.

You have to declare yourself. Oh, oh no. Uh, even though I am a wizard who fights for goodness and righteousness and all of its forms, I'm not an officially deputized law enforcement officer of any kind. You can't lie about that, you know. You have to tell me the truth. I wouldn't. I can't lie about that, you know. You have to tell me the truth. I wouldn't. I wouldn't dare.

Okay. And listen, and I think I called you Mavin' earlier. Mavin' says it? Yes, usually. I gotta say, right out, A-CAP, all caterpillars are butterflies. Got you there. See, would a cop say that? Caterpillars are caterpillars.

There's butterflies are completely different than. They're not. Clearly. You have some strange ideas, Badger. Thank you. Well, I think what he's referencing is the fact that caterpillars form a cocoon around themselves and then they emerge later as a butterfly. That is the silliest idea I've ever heard.

As though a bug, like a worm like catapult, or could, this is gotta be a joke. In all my years of education, you would think that I would have been told if a worm could turn into a beautiful butterfly. Oh, I know. I've jumped a lot of epic egg, I know it's weird not here. Mavis, where did you get that beautiful badger tail Butterfly. Oh, I know. I've chummed a money, I think I might know what's going on here.

Mavis, where did you get that beautiful badger tail that's hanging up on your wall there? Oh, I made it. You made it. Yes. I synthesized it. Stem cells, it's too hard to explain. Oh, I can tell you about stem cells, Arnie. Here in Foon, if you take the stems of a flower,

you can create all sorts of wonderful things out of them using magic, but you're gonna piss off that flower and it's gonna come after you. Flowers are ruthless. Yeah, we know. Absracted us. We know the foul. We run a foul.

Yusudar, do you think she has some sort of mental goldfish itis? I think perhaps, yes, that it's difficult for her to remember things. It might be the side effect of one of her great experiments. But perhaps there is some way this genius has caused herself to forget things in the immediate, yes. And she said that she had a falling out with the council officers. Well, I was talking to Chunt. Arnie, what the fuck was part of this?

Come from. I did you do that. Why do you sneak up at us? I don't leave me out of these. I'm usually in them. Also, I used to dork just because somebody wears a black turtleneck in jeans. Does it always mean they're genius?

Why are you wearing a turtleneck? What? Oh, sorry. I was just talking to Chunt for for a second and Ahni interrupted us. We were just saying how much we love your outfit, your ensemble. It's very important to simplify your wardrobe. Sure. It takes, you know, the mental resources you can use every morning to choose what outfit

to wear could be put toward the next important scientific discovery. Of course we all know that if you're a mental giant there's things you can do to help streamline your focus at wearing the same clothes not talking to your daughter these are all things that help you with your work. I'd ever talked to any of my daughters. Perfect. Well I the only mental giant I have knew had to live next to a mountain big enough to hold this head up. Well, my head is held up by a subspacial rift. You see, most of my brain exists in subspace.

It's very complicated, but I did have to make it so that the size of this cranium could exist in this plane with enough knowledge to move on. But when I have to seek the archives of my memory, it can be quite a distant journey. Ah, is that sort of like a pocket dimension where you access other parts of your brain? Yeah, quite. You're very knowledgeable. I would you be interested in an internship?

Ask if it's paid ask if it's paid is it paid of course that Perfect but if you do a good job then Exposure would get exposure and that is Is just as good as pay. Take it take it take it. Lonnie did you hear that? Yeah, finally the exposure I so desperately have deserved. And all I'd have to do is work for free for what?

Six months? Well, it looks two years. Two years, just two years. That's nothing to a wizard. I'm already 350 years old. What do you think, Ronnie? What should I do? I don't know.

I guess it's a better deal than I've been giving you with this podcast, but still. If he is old, what do you think, Ronnie? What should I do? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I guess it's a better deal than I've been giving you with this podcast, but still, Arnie, think of the spin-offs. Arnie, I, Chuck of Chants, Chuck of Chants, you should wear the intern. Come on. You said intern, if you will.

You said intern. Oh, you said intern. It should release them right themselves. Arnie, I've been paying you 10 gold every week to be on this podcast. And now I can work for free. Yeah, you're moving up in the world. Now, Mavis, someone has intelligent and creative

is yourself. I'm guessing you went to school in the woods. I'm talking about art-vark university. Oh good, yeah, good old art you. Yeah. Of course. Did you go there as well? Ah, no, I couldn't get in at all, not with my grades,

but I just know a lot of fairy intelligent people go to Art Vark. And they always say, take the whole and the woods. And that kind of is a fun little thing. I am the fight song. Take the whole and the wood. Then you'll be really good. ArtVarQ, ArtVarQ, time to run and learn. Time to run and learn. That's my favorite part. Yeah,

at ArtVarQ you have to run while learning and they, I mean their theory, it clearly works, is that if you are doing something else while learning, it's more likely to stick. works is that if you are doing something else while learning, it's more likely to stick. It's also very important to use the tool of your body, the physical side of your mental pro-ess, you know? Yeah. Yes, we tied the mental to the physical to create a stronger connection mentally. Exactly. Please listen to my intern.

He's very knowledgeable. Thank you. Ah, Ahni, I, I, sometimes a lot of people from AdVoc, they tended like brag about the fact that they're from odd Vogue Yeah, like I said there's always this false monstery of like I went to school in the woods And it's like we know what you're saying like no one's fooled by that Maybe it's what did you get your degree in? Well, I got three degrees one is yeah one is a little too pedestrian for someone like me, but potions, spell

writing, and they don't call it the same thing anymore, but they used to call it wild working? Who? Tell us more please. It refers to, you know, the wild imagination that you could reach as far as the wild mind could reach and then create something real. And you may think that just sounds like inventing, but it's much more than that. Braincraft. I don't know. I think it's Braincraft now. Oh, yes, yes, Braincraft, that's what they call it.

Fuck me, the only thing I ever won was the King's Fitness Award. You won the King's Fitness Award? Well, a lot of people did. It just meant that I could do 20 sit-ups. Oh, that sounds much more important than it is. Well, thank you. I guess I got to dig that certificate out. Huh, thank you.

Well, I got six degrees when I was at the Great Halls of Tarakas, but they were all for separation. Separation? I got six degrees of separation. Ooh. Oh yeah, separation has to do with peeling back the veil, right? That's right, I peer into the veil of the very nature of existence.

I pull back the curtains and I see the truth that lies there underneath, that lies there underneath, that lies there underneath. You should get your linguistics degree. Or an association. Oh, right. Hi, 5, Arnie. Yeah! That's right.

In turn, you know this badger? You've met before? Yes, yes. We are friends. We all came in together, remember? Yeah, remember? You've been working here for days. I've never seen these people before. Oh, my apologies. Oh no, are we losing time?

You sir go with it. That means your six months will be over in like four hours? Spot, very good. Yes, well, I mean, it's only, you know, my first month here, but I'm happy to help these two strangers. Gentlemen, what are you looking for? Let's see, Arnie, is there anything we need for the road? Maybe like a perfect combination of magic and technology. Oh, well, in that case, let me point out this device on the wall.

Maybe, can you remind them what this device on the wall. Maybe is Can you help them remind them what this device on the wall does if I keep helping you? You're never going to learn All right, I'm just gonna take it down and see what happens It looks sort of like a crossbow of it. Obviously it's it's been combined with magic so if you put this here and oh It looks like it takes a part of your soul and makes a narrow out of it So a little bit of my soul is in this Is in this crossbow now?

Soul Arrow that's that's I mean in simple terms. Yes, that's correct Okay, can I ask a question? I don't know if it's on the package. How many arrows can you make out of a soul approximately six and a half? Pretty good. Aren't you pretty good? I mean you got to figure there's enough there to make a bird house in there so you can make a bird house in your soul that's enough to make you know at least this is some sort of riddle? I don't know about that. Well, while he thinks of that, while you're intering things of that. A man. But, baby, I would like, like my friend here from Earth,

once said, a man yelled before breaking his leg at the theater, I would like some Semper Fudge. What about... The machine was, you said, you invented the Semper Fudge? Well, I haven't made Semper Fudge in a while, but I think I- Where have you- Machine was, you said you invented the SEMPER- SEMPER Fludge? Well, I haven't made SEMPER Fudge in a while, but I think I have the ingredients. Let me look here in the back, all right. Or whatever this is here,

that's in the middle of the table that you put the ooze on, center-fluege. Oh, yes. The- The- The- The SEMPER Moods. This, the SEMPT, it's in the center-fuge. It's a compound I'm working on. Yes, this one is meant to enhance your speed. If you wipe it all over your body, it reduces the friction of the air,

which I know this is a wild concept, but yes, air can cause friction. And so by smearing this all over your body, you can increase your movement speed. I'll call it Loub. Here we go, how much is that? Mm. Well, this is the only tube I have.

So I could let it go for 200 gold. 200 gold. Tell her 300, quick. What? You said our no. We need this money to get to the egg kingdom. Yeah. You're going to the egg kingdom? Yeah, you've heard of it.

I've heard tales. What do you seek there? Uh, my kid, my child. Your child isn't an egg? You're an egg-lagged, Badger? Uh, it's complicated. I was married to a wizard, and we populated on our wedding night

on the dance floor before he exploded and what was left behind was a giant egg. It's not a euphemism. Interesting. And the egg is a hatched or still an egg. To my knowledge still an egg. And I don't know if it's an egg that does hatch. It might just be an ambulatory talking egg.

And I would be fine with that. I feel like if it is still an egg and may not be anything other than an egg what you really need is a substance that could protect an egg show from cracking. The last thing you need is a cracked baby. Oh yeah do you have any vinegar? I don't have vinegar but... Or is that an old lifestyle? I don't know what you would do with vinegar. I was trying to be nice but you have some of theest ideas, but let me see what I have here. Let me pull that out. It's very hard. Hmm, this smelly stuff here. It's divided with this uh,

oh, this dark colored stuff here. And you can see some of this powder. Oh, yes, that's very viscous. Uh, intern. Intern. Uh, yes. Well, sorry. I was uh, busy filing. Do you know the name of my child? Squogar? Thank you.

See, Arnie, it's not that hard. Yeah. Yeah, I just remembered you squat over a garter. See? See, simple to remember. The little pneumatic device like that of a thing that I do every day anyway. Yeah.

Oh, maybe it's how's that potion coming. Here it is. It's still smoking a Oh, maybe it's house that potion coming. Here it is. It's still smoking a little, but don't let that deter you. Oh. I like kids, so you can take that one for 50 gold. That's a bargain, but off for 100. You said, or come on. How about how about it take half of it for 15? Already this is called haggling and I'm bad at it Well, see I don't have any other use for it. I made it special custom for your egg child Here's a hundred gold. Okay. Thank you. Yes

Oh, sorry. I forgot commission. Here you go. Ah, thank you, yes, I appreciate it. Well, we should take a quick break and celebrate my first year of my internship. Okay, so I've invented some cocktails for us to celebrate Yusdoran, it's one year anniversary. Why would you use the tail of a cock to celebrate? Um, huh, that's honestly a good question Well, I said beautiful plumage. I love birds and I think I think when you look at a cock and you say I just I just want that cock to be part of my life I just do a beautiful cock and I think it's, it's the beautiful colors that I definitely. The colorful ones are the best.

Yeah, it's exactly. You're so vain. Well, I'll drink to this and so you have one year left on your internship? No, just six months. Oh, I know. Just go by so fast. I know, I know. It is not there.

Five months, that's incredible. I mean, four months will fly by a note time. I know. I mean, before you know, it will be three months, and then we just have a couple months left. Now, Mavis, please, I must beg of you. I've been on the quest for many years to defeat evil in all of its forms. And yet I have been...

Well, flummoxed. At every turn, do you have some device that could potentially help me defeat evil once and for all? Evil is a very large category. Is there any specific evils that you have are having trouble with? Well, let's say I already killed the Dark Lord last year, but let's just say for, I guess, you know, is like a theoretical, the Dark Lord was still around. And I killed him with an obsidian sword that I don't have anymore. Do you have something that might actually help me kill someone at the level of the Dark Lord? Well, you have to think in terms of opposites.

Right. If it's a Dark Lord, you need a light sword. So certainly, if you were to have a weapon that needed to be treated with some sort of light-emitting substance, maybe infused with some starlight or something like that, it seems like that would do a lot of damage to a dark lord. Oh, it does seem like it, but how would you capture a starlight? Oh, I have some starlight in the back. I have an armistice. Oh, that worked out really.

Yeah. I mean, the only way I've ever seen Starlight captured before is in Ony's eyes. Oh. That's very romantic. How long have you guys been together? Him and Chant have more of a thing than I do. Seven and a half years.

That's beautiful. Already, didn't you say once on Earth, Robert De Niro almost captured Starlight as a pirate? Mm-hmm. But it didn't go over well. Mm-hmm. And then you said that Charlie Cox is really underrated? Yeah, I said all these things. But you were glad to see him come back as the...

as the damn devil? The damn devil, yes. I've said all these things. Maybe, do you read a lot? I mean, as a graduate of ArtVerk, maybe I don't know. Were you in the ArtVark carpoon? I, uh, I'm not a words person. God. I'm more of an actions person, you know? And, uh, so when you ask me if I'm, I'm in the harpoon, certainly I have some skill with a harpoon gun.

Okay. But that's the direction I like to take things if you catch my drift. An adventurer. I think she's threatening us. Okay. But that's the direction I like to take things if you catch my drift. I think she's threatening us. Well, well, uh... Mayvus, I have to ask you. I haven't asked anyone this in quite a long time. Will you join my quest to defeat evil and provide me with a starlight sword capable of destroying the Dark Lord once and for all, even though he's already dead?

I'll do you one better. How about a Starlight Harpoon? Distance and deadly I love it. I'm I can't believe I've only got a week left here. I've learned so much I have everything we need to make a Harpoon gun except for a Spring mechanism we need something to propel the harpoon. I don't have any here. Do you have any type of stretchy substance? Maybe something I could turn into a coil? Something stretchy that you could turn into a coil. Maybe something slimy? Slimey? Is that... is that... is that what you're talking about? Perhaps I could use the slime to lubricate the channel and then I could create a combustible behind it that could... yes, that could work? Yes, absolutely.

Oh, here I will. I'll try to give you some slime. Ah, there you go. Ah, this will be perfect. This is fun to watch. Just gonna put that here and I already built this piece. We just attack it there and oh shit. She can make anything out of anything And we will need the starlight so step back this can be a little bit dangerous Just gonna Thank you intern. Yeah, so I'm so glad I've had you with me for these last Wow, what has it been? 20 months or so? Oh, she is.

Yeah, yes, almost done. I just gonna put just a drop of Starlight is enough. Never more than a drop. It's like Cologne. Right, you know, I put too much of your everyone's going to be. Usually what I do is I take my Starlight and I put it in front of me and then I walk through it. That can be dangerous, but I applaud you.

Oh, maybe that's what gave me my psoriasis. Oh, psoriasis. You could use... I have some... I think I have some extra slide here that's really good for psoriasis. Do you want some? I'm kind of tapped on gold, but thank you. I'll give you 400 gold for it.

I'll give you the discount. I'll take it for 380 gold. Excellent. Thank you. 20% interest discount paid off. You didn't have faith. Use it or pay her commission. All right. Now your Starlight Harpoon is ready, but you must let it set for two hours and then before you use it be sure to twirl it thrice Hmm set for two hours twirl it thrice Exactly and that's all we have to do and now we have a weapon capable of killing the dog Lord Should work. Yeah, oh this is so exciting and

And how much is that gonna send us back? Well I did want to have a nice party gift for you after all this time we've spent together so if you leave me with one more quart of slime and 1500 gold then we'll call it even Ah, honey Yeah, do you know I think you spent all my gold? You might be you might be getting ripped off That's not gonna help do you have any gold or not? I have no gold I have remember I let you carry my gold for me because I said it was too happy for my pockets. Right. I spent all the gold. I don't look. Can I...

Here, I have ten gold left. Can I do this on layaway? Hmm. A payment plan? Yes. Usually I'd say no, but for you, what will you leave as collateral? Um, hmm. One of Chun's faces, do you want that? Rip, glitter. I do like faces. I'll take it. Great.

Oh, thank goodness. Uh, now, let's see if it's 1500, I should be able to pay this off in, well, about 150 weeks, which seems like the right pace for our show. Mmm-hmm. Arnie. Yeah. I took my face off. Mm-hmm. Arnie, yeah, I took my face off. Mm-hmm. But you still know it's me

because I'll just let me dribble my fingers down your face. It's tell me. Yeah. Remember that's our sign? Do you always know it's me when I shape you? Mm-hmm. Because I took my face off. Yeah.

Does he always speak like this? Yeah. He does. It's unnerving. Well, maybe I gotta say, starlight harpoon is by far the coolest fucking thing we've ever named on this show. So, uh, it's been an absolute delight to meet you and I think your interns time is up. And, um, we will say, we'll say hi to the eggs for you and send some your way for business. Well, not before we've had the interns going away party. Oh, cool.

Everyone's on the round. Speeches starting with you, Arty. Please. Um, speech. Well, it's been a crazy two years, you sit in intern turn and you learn so much. Whatever, forget that time that you saved all the people from the fire and the time that you fell love with the family across the way and you learned how to walk.

We're real proud of you and we're gonna miss you around here. To use it in turn. Do you sit in turn? Do you sit in turn? In turn from what? Oh, I believe you used to have an intern here who may have left recently. There's three travelers coming through. That harpoon there? Yes.

I have that on a layaway. So please, whatever you do, don't sell that to anyone else. Can that be a thing that stays in the forefront of your brain? Absolutely, I never forget anything. Ah, ah-ha. I went to art farm. Do you remember that? Starlight Harpoon also sounds like the angriest, most fashion-forward of all the My Little ponies, or the only thing that could kill a skating-singing Broadway locomotive.

Usurder the Blue was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Mavis, the forgetful Artificer, was played by special guest Anna Prasur. Anna hosts shows and tournaments in the geek and gaming space. Learn more about what that even means by checking out her website, AnnaPrasur.com. And if you're going to be at PAX West this week, Anna will be playing in the big acquisitions-incorporated live D&D game on Sunday, September 4th. Speaking of live performances, I said this last week, but you may have blocked it out

by now. Hello from the Magic Tavern will be doing a live show at the Bellhouse Theatre in Brooklyn, Friday, October 14th. That gives you plenty of time to invent and excuse us to why you can't attend. Tickets on sale now. Click on the link in the show notes, visit hellofromthemagictavern.com and click the Live Show's tab or wait into social media and hope for the best. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of

the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like Ian Rex Road, Quentin Jackson, Evening Star, Sally U, Hanama Goen Blistone, Liz, Brian Bilson, Vaughn Kaiser, Erin Allgood, who adds that's really my last name! Look it up on LinkedIn! Ah, yes, the impenetrable security protocols of LinkedIn. I have a half-eaten enchilada in my fridge with its own LinkedIn account. Rochelle, Ruth Anastasia Jones, Oleh H, Hutch, Adam Way, and Eli Anarchy, and one more name. But first, no one enjoys online abuse, and so a special shout out to Peter English. May you now end your constant stream of messages, comments, and demands that brought the internet

to a standstill. Just this morning you wrote, may rest never find you until you speak my name aloud. Well, let this put an end to your obsession with public notoriety. And along those lines, another supporter, Zach Miamon, writes to say he's officially changing his name to Zach Meier. Ah, yes, much simpler, less weird. Good job, Zach. Mr. Meier, it is, no matter what you say in the future. All these patrons, including Zach Meyer and Paulie, Scottish, or whatever it was,

get ad-free episodes, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. I've been handed a piece of paper with the premise of the most recent bonus episode, really? This one? Okay. The most recent bonus episode, and it's a Masters of Mayhem Special,

where drip thing in the barons and the creepy twins Jamie and Sammy Ragon on a journey with a series of tasks. Sort of like the popular Netflix show Old Enough, but not identical online lawyers. Here's a clip. Okay, if I give you candy, will you go away? Give it to me! Darn it!

It's over there! Tate it! Take it over there! It's over there! It's dark corner! Go over there! It's not candy, it to me. Get it to me. Get it to me. Change it. Change it. Go over there. That's dark corner. Go over there. It's not candy.

It's poison. They'll be fine. Oh, fine. Kids, don't eat that. I'll eat that. I'll eat that. I'll eat that. Now, you know what they probably will be fine.

They've eaten all sorts of things. They look hardy. Can I crash here for just a little bit? I am currently being hunted by a lot of things. I could lie to you and tell you I just wanted to see you and this is a social call, but I will be honest with you and say that I am exhausted for a fighting for my life constantly.

Oh, yes, Daddy. Slipper with Daddy. That's him sleepover. I love him. I love him too. His arms and legs are wiggly. We can bring him into the attic and have fun pranking with him.

Well, it's okay, give me a drink. I'm actually dripping. Let me just say, you are welcome to stay under the roof of Castle Regune. But there is a rule. Yes. When you're here, you're. You're family? Oh, sorry, good.

Specifically, your daddy, you might get pranked. Your daddy, your daddy, your daddy. Hey, can I ask you a question? Where do you like to have hair? And where do you not like to have hair? Great, make him feel asking if you could ask the question and then just asking the question anyway. To hear more of that, and learn more about supporting the show, You could ask the question and then just asking the question anyway. Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.