Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 43 - Egg Kingdom

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Chunt finally makes it to the Egg Kingdom, but must contend with the King and his jester before reuniting with Eggy Baby.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampGhusidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiKing Don Omelette: Jorin GarguiloFred Tata: Louie SaundersMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at the Bell House (Brooklyn, NY) on October 14th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following recipes were handed down to me from my great aunt, Nona, and each of them comes with a story lasting between 8 and 70 minutes before I even mentioned the first ingredient. So let's start with the squash blossom salad. The Light in Venice has a certain buttery quality. Never more so in the morning, never more so than just after the First World War had ended. As I made my way from door to door, selling the little bunches of hand-picked marigolds to earn enough money to buy the engagement ring in Signore Fabrizio's store window,

I thought to myself, wait, which podcast am I introducing right now? Oh, right, this is the other one. I knew I was having too much fun. This one isn't real. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello for the Magic Tavern! The Road to Squogar. I'm a host, I ain't even camp if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

About 7 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical, and a fun. About one week ago, someone who I thought was my friend, hit me with a paralyzing ray, and I could shoot. For a whole episode, it was like torture for me to a paralyzing ray and I could move for a whole episode It was like torture for me to be here and not be able to insert this great voice into the whole episode Well Arnie um I'm a little bummed you're not mentioning your new tattoos. What do you think? Yeah? I don't the Drew tattoos to Drew tattoos. Pardon me. They're tattoos

Mm-hmm. it just gets worse. Sorry. Oh, did you want a sandwich? Oh yeah, Arnie, did you want a sandwich? Look left. Look, if I look to the left or I look to the right, both of those mean I want a sandwich. Oh, Arnie, sorry.

Fine, fine, fine. Now we know, hey, now we know. And we should have prepared for a situation like this. We should all have some sort of, you know, a safeguard in place where if one of us is ever paralyzed, and we don't unparallize that we marry each other. Something like that. Oh, that's nice. Why do all of your deals end with us marrying each other?

No, I think this makes a lot sense. If we get to be like 500 years old and we're all still paralyzed, we should just marry each other. Marry each other and you don't just eat sandwiches until we die. Last week you were like, you know what? If we can't remember What we did three weeks ago. We should all just marry each other. My dude, that was last week chun, okay? I can't be responsible for whatever the fuck he said. That's true. You're dealing with today's chun I can't be responsible for whatever the fuck he said. That's true. You're dealing with today's chunt.

Speaking of, I am joined as always by my co-host today's chunt. Oh, yeah, baby. Arnie, has it really been seven and a half years? You're, I wasn't gonna bring this up. I don't think it has been seven and a half years. I just realized for about three or four months, I've just been saying seven and a half years. I thought realized for about three or four months I've just been saying seven and a half years.

I thought I'd been saying it too long. I actually sat down and done the math. I think it's still not quite seven and a half years. I sat down and done the math. Huh, that needs to be a t-shirt. Use it or you paralyzed me and I am still recovering from that. I think I have long frozen. It wasn't it was an accident. I was trying to protect us from that. I think I have long frozen. It wasn't, it was an accident. I was trying to protect us from that cougar. Okay, everyone close your eyes and picture the phrase, I sat down and done the math.

The person who said that, what are they doing? I'll go first. In my mind's eye, they're putting their thumb in a pie. Mm. Oh, that's interesting because I also thought that they were sitting down with actually like a casserole. Oh, yeah. It's very similar.

In my mind, it's someone cool, like Beyonce, and they're using poetic license. They're not using the language in the way you want it to be. They're sort of bending it to their will. When did you start reading? What's going on here? I don't know. It's a little bookish for you. Look, when you lose some of your senses, some of your other senses start doing things. Oh yeah, you mentioned, what was that guy's name?

Devil DARREN? Devil DARREN? Is that a lawyer? Yeah, that lawyer you mentioned on Earth. The thing about Devil DARREN is, at some point, they replaced Devil DARREN with a different Devil DARREN. Oh, you told us his name was Mark Summers, and he was a double, uh, Devil DARREN, right? Devil DARREN. Oh, you told us his name was Mark Summers,

and he was a double, uh, Devil DARREN, right? Mm-hmm, he got double, he- Any- He hid flags in his mouth and made criminals find the flags. I don't know. Ah! Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I am also joined by my other co-host,

uh, Yusudor the Ghost. I am Yusud, oh, sorry. I was Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfrail Rail, Mervafesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minimulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, the elves Numius Fyingalik, the dwarves Numius Zonin Hook Stinges, and I was known in the North East as Gasp Manius Mastar, and now that I am in Corporeal, I shall summon the greatest sandwich that ever existed for my friend Arnie as recompense for accidentally paralyzing him last week. Minky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky-binky I didn't. No, he's in Capporial. Yeah, I did. This whole time, I've just been addressing him by his first name. I feel embarrassed.

Hey, buddy, when you called me over here for us to whisper into these biper bones to each other, when you said that, I could have sworn you were going to talk about the weird ass spell that he said. But no, it was about the in-corporial part. Look, I've been around this dude long enough to know that Skittimerinkie dinky dinky, or whatever,

that's gonna produce a trash bag or whatever. You know what, every time he says that spell, I think what he's really saying is, I love you. Oh, that's beautiful. I'd like to think that. Seven and a half years in, we're still surprising each other.

Yep. And show your sandwich. What do you think? Thank you. Can you, I'm so sorry, could you lift the sandwich? Could you feed me? My arms only intermittently work because I've got long frozen. I am very sorry about that. I didn't realize there would be so many side effects,

but that's why we must be so careful in this time when there are so many parallelization spells flying around. Like they caught so easily still. Here, allow me to use my magic to lift the sandwich into your mouth. I must concentrate. Oh wait, no, this time's working. Oh, sorry, I was focusing on this arm now working, but I was like, I got two arms. Guys, oh, guys, enough sandwich magic, okay? I sat down and I'd done the math.

No, no more sandwich magic, no more done the math, all right? We need to focus up because we're here in whatever this waiting room is. It says, egg strints, I guess that's like a play on entrance. Kind of rough though, but we're here in this waiting room in the egg kingdom to finally get back eggy baby. Well, squelgar, I mean, I'm calling him, yeah, eggy baby for years sakes.

And I don't know what to expect. I feel like we all need to be of heightened senses. We all need to be frosty, as they say, in the military, sir, you said, or? Yes, step to attention. I don't want anything to go wrong, okay? And speaking of things going wrong, I don't know what I did with my cavalcade of characters. Gorgeous, the potato, whatever that apple is,

say on, the other things. We never talk about... The farty piece. We never talk about whatever that apple is. What is that apple? Wait, is Gorgeous the apple? No, Gorgeous is a potato, right? Potato. Yeah.

But what is that apple? We'll have to figure it out later, but right now, I'm sure they're listening. Good evening! Good evening! Oh! Whoa! Hello.

Hello, gentlemen. I'm Don Omlet King of the Egg Kingdom, Captain of the Albumen. And your host, this is Fred Tata, my major domo. Oh wow. Apologies for keeping you cooling your heels so long at the exterence, but you're simply so large. We don't quite have the capacity to allow you in the gates.

Well, I was very upset at waiting so long, but then I turned over to this other door and I saw the sign above it that said Please beg or forgiveness and I thought that was very cute. Oh, yes good one, huh? Those are our two please beg or forgiveness Yes, I'm I'm the one in charge of naming everything Oh wonderful. Oh, yes, yes Everything. Oh, wonderful. Oh, yes.

Yes, threat to tar. Yes, threat to tar. That is my name and I name all the things here because I am his gesture. Oh, Fred, it is a pleasure to meet you and your majesty. My ex-older to meet you too. My deepest bow to you for my friends and I come begging some audience with you, wherein

we may find one who has left our party and add them back to strengthen our reserves once again. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, of course, you come seeking the mega egg. The what? Oh, oh. Yes, there's a third name for the mega egg. The mega egg already the mega egg the what oh, oh, yes, there's a third name for the The mega egg already the mega egg are you saying mega egg? I think so the mega egg

I think he is but I think it's a play on words where mega has egg in it too. Yes. Yes. There you go You've got it. It's the mega you really got to sound that one out Arnie corporeal used it on. I didn't expect these guys to be so fucking tiny. Yeah. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Well, these wild dudes are egg-sized. Yeah, I was gonna say, I was gonna sound stupid to say it, but these eggs are egg-sized.

Yeah, I mean, I'm used to like, Skogar, my child, which is like a big, big old egg. Big old, is a mag, mag, a egg. Mag, a egg. Yeah, now Jason, Jason, we got a mag on our hands. What?

Why are you smirking? Earth people are loving it, unless I'm way off about who's in that movie, which is very possible. Now that I think about it, this egg strengths, our waiting room, is pretty tiny. We've had this really cram ourselves in here.

Yes, we apologize for that. Most of the time, if we host something, it's no bigger than a medium-sized bird. No. Yes. I love birds. So even though you are eggs, you allow birds to come here to help keep you warm, I suppose, or... Oh, yes. The bird is a great friend of the egg kingdom. Oh, yes. The bird is a great friend of the egg kingdom. Oh, yes. When it lowers its behind onto one of our denizens,

warming that denizen through and through, with the feeling that only a bird bottom can give. It is the greatest active friendship of our avian cousins. Ooh, I don't like Fred Tatas face when you were describing that, Axe. Fred is that one? Oh, yes. We have a very close relationship with the birds because we're all born fully formed

and we remember every second of being... Oh. ...coming out of our... ...our bird companions. Ah, I miss those days. So you don't procreate on your own, you are born of birds, but you will never hatch into birds? No, no, we'll never hatch into birds. If I hatch, I'll hatch into another egg. And then we'll be my son, who will take over a rule of the egg kingdom from me.

Oh, weird. You're on a, I don't know how to describe this, you're on a egg cast, I guess I'll call it. This is an egg-ra-phone and a lap egg. I was kind of falling in love with calling them paper-bounds, but we can call them egg-phones now. Arnie, now's not the time. But for our listeners, would you two describe what you look like just because it's kind of hard to put a finger on?

Okay, it will be easiest to imagine me in two dimensions at first. Then draw a shape, I believe you call an oval. Draw an oval. I think we all call it oval. Yes, don't we all call it an oval, right? We're on the same page. Do you guys have ovals?

Do you have ovals? Do you have the greatest shape? OK. The greatest shape? Because that's really important starting out here is you know We we need you to all get on that page are we all on that page with with ovals? We all love ovals. We talk about them a lot. Honestly, don't we guys don't we yeah? I'd say oval all we talk about them daily at least. Yeah, I like that. That was for you, Fred.

Yeah, well, Fred Tatah is a fool. Your majesty, may we continue our audience with you inside your Oval Office? No. I'm let go. Let's go. Well, if you don't mind, as we walk, can we talk? Arnie, you said that's like, Erickan Sorkin?

Yeah, it's an Erickan Sorkin. Erickan Sorkin. Walkin' talk? Could you continue to describe the two of you? Yes, of course. So now that you've pictured the two-dimensional oval, now extrude that around the long axis, depending at 360 degrees,

so that you have a three-dimensional oval. That's our bodies, basically. All right, you have it so-dimensional oval that's our bodies basically Oh right, you have it so far Arnie you sir. We all sorry Arnie sir you said We all know what extrude is means right? Yes, how does that extrude extrude? Extruding I've understood anything after oval extruding. Oh, oh is that like protruding from an egg? It is! Oh, okay then we're on the same page. Yes, of course. So then you've got the basic shape, and then you just start sticking arms and legs on

as appropriate. Some of us have two. Some of us have three. Some of us have four, five, six. Fred's a little different. I was born with nothing. I'm just an egg. Yeah, Fred's just kind of rolling along. Yeah, it takes a bit. Oh, just an egg. Yes. Your fridge is kind of rolling along.

Yeah, it takes a bit. That must be how he comes up with all those great egg ponds. That sounds like a used-door spell when he moves. Yeah, he can't. He sort of trapped in a... He's trapped in the prison of his physical form. He's going to be thinking of egg ponds as he shimmies very slowly from office to office. Hi, however, I'm wearing pointed boots and a flowing cape lined with ermine.

Yes, and of course my beautiful crown. Look at this. Yeah, if you'll just, I'm going to stand on my head and then you grab the piece of my crown that sticks out a little bit the little metal handle Okay, there we go. See you could dip me in something That's adorable. I love it. Oh, there's a little carton of pastel paints over there. Why don't we dip them in that? No, I will have you if you insist normally it's one time a year when we celebrate the return of our Egg Messiah. Then all of the denizens of the Egg Kingdom collect together and dunk me the king into a variety of colors. But this is a special guest situation. I don't see why not. Usually, I don't like to ask people that much about their religion, but tell me a little bit about this egg messiah.

Oh, well, before the egg messiah, everyone thought the great God in the sky, the giant egg that has been malformed by being pressed into a perfect circle with his eye, oh, is upon us, only wanted to shatter us when we were done. Break us in half, pour out our yokey inside, and turn us into an omelette that coats the floor of Hades. Oh! The ice. Bikes.

I don't want to hear some from Fred as well. Oh yes, Fred, you take it from here. The New Testament. You want me to get into that New Testament stuff? Well, that's where the Agmissiah comes from. I don't believe in that Are they saying new to testament the new testament? No, sorry, sorry y'all I'm sorry. No, no, Fred. There's nothing to be sorry for

Just well it's a matter of opinion. He's a bit of a heretic. Yeah, I got in trouble, that's why I am the jester is, because I was punished as heretic, as I do not believe in the agmasaya. Well, tell us what it is that you don't believe about what you consider to be some sort of myth, I suppose. Well, they think that the egg mosa- It was buried. It was buried, they think that the egg was buried

under a pile of rocks and then emerged unbroken seven days later. I think. Unbroken, that seems unlikely. Yeah. No offense, but it is unlikely. That's why it's called faith, okay? That's why it's called faith, my friend.

Unlikely things happening. That's why it's called faith. Don Amlet, King Amlet. King? You can call me King. I am Don Amlet, the Don. I'm a fan. Uh, uh, uh, uh's up good word for a... I don't know! Now that I'm in my head, isn't my brain thrills scrambled?

Just trying to not think of... No! Oh fuck you, Dr. Sittin' in. Okay, we're gonna go away, we'll be right back. Yeah, this segment is over. Ah, easy. Oh! All right, well, welcome on in here. Okay, just squeeze. I know that's a great, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, Fred. Yeah, come on, Fred.

We can all fit in. It's being off for just a little time. Sorry. I got a little bit of pride on your shoe there. Oh, you're leaking, Fred. I'm leaking, sorry. All right, yes, all of you, you can all stay in the fat, the fat side of the oval and Will, Will, Fred and I will slide behind the desk here, over here on the narrow, narrower side of the oval, and once again, the perfect shape proves itself, it fits you, fits us. All right. Well, it's a very beautiful office, I must admit. But we are here, I'm sorry to say your majesty, on very serious business. I have here the father of none other than the mega egg. Oh, the father of the mega egg!

And you stand before a man from another world. And forget not that a man from another world and Forget not that a powerful wizard also stands here for those in the egg kingdom know me as Yo-Claw shell shield He's a full bird corporeal in corporeal did Fred just barf Sorry guys, buddy, are you okay? Oh, I gotta deal with some stuff. All of yourself together, Fred. We have guests.

I'm sorry. I wanna deal with this mega egg stuff, but Fred, I'm very concerned about you. What's going on with the man? Physical personal. I gotta get an A.A. Well, good luck with that. Which for us, which is Chile, killase. You know, it's a faith-based program, Fred. So good luck with that.

Yeah, okay. Well, it's why does it have to be that? Anyway, sorry guys. Fred, you said that you were punished to be the court jester. What, what were you before the court jester? Oh my god, I had a family. With jester's gonna have families? Oh, I was like an egg accountant. I had a lot of good stuff going for me. You know, I have 401 egg. 401 egg.

401 egg. Yeah, you gotta have it. You gotta have one. And did you mean to say you were an egg accountant? Yeah. Got to say that. Is that what you meant to say. I forgot to say I was an egg accountant because egg accountant is nothing So what is the difference between So what's the difference between an egg accountant and a CP egg?

Because I can never tell the difference between those two. It's just to certification really We've got a many certification processes here in the egg kingdom. Fred was certified, but I'm afraid he crossed the law. It's now the jester and we promoted another egg to have his job and his family. Oh, yes, they've got my family too. But they seem happier. So what what lead you to believe that they're happier? What are they doing now that they weren't doing before? Oh, they they've sent me notes saying that they feel they're happier in the dungeons of the egg kingdom. Oh, whoa, they waited the day to the time to write you a letter to say, I am happier here in

the dungeon than I ever was living with some egg countant who is just sitting on this nest egg trying to save money Okay, sorry, that's really sad. This is a appreciating that's the thank you, Arnie But that's the way we roll here in the egg kingdom. Is the dungeon like I have to imagine it's like a skill it? Yep, they're up. They go to bed every night in a big bed of corn, beef hash. Oh. Arnie, Arnie, come here a second. I'm very concerned that the listeners aren't going to understand that there are eggs

involved in this episode. Hey, Fred Tata. What are you doing? Go ahead. Explain yourself, red tata. I'm sitting right. If you would like to know what you're doing. Guys, I got it.

I got it. Give me a second here. You said, or if they don't get that we're surrounded by eggs, your sweet nest egg comment is totally going to put it over the top. High five me, bro. Thanks, man. Can we see, might we see the mega egg? I'm gonna put it over the top high five me bro. Thanks man. Can we see the mega egg? Sorry the mega egg?

The mega egg? Mega egg. Can we kill? Of course, it's the biggest denizen of the kingdom. We've started to build up plenty of buildings, festivities around it, but first let's talk turkey, huh? If we let you see the Meggig, what's it for us? What's it for the egg kingdom?

We don't intend to become a tourist trap. No, no, well, we got your note and we encountered a received bubble fat or whatever is the monster hunter and so we got your ransom from Castle Huxpire. Look, I don't need to know how the sausage got made. Of course not. But before we hand over such a large ransom, we must know for what purpose do you need this amount of treasure? Oh, we've got big plans, big plans indeed. Is it to help Fred? Because I think Fred needs some help.

Well, yes, it's, yeah, a big piece of it is to establish sort of a social security and public health care. Oh, yes. Help eggs like that. Like infrastructure, we gotta build a moat. Okay. We gotta put some eels in the moat. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, But I don't love how it's got beggar in that name like it kind of takes away a little bit Now we'll make the B small and all the other letters big little smart Oh, no, don't worry about it. That thing's going nowhere. They're gonna have to change it just I call it something else

Anyway, also did you notice how we started talking about a social safety net and almost immediately Fred said he was gonna use that money to put Eels in the moat I used to mess that's part of their health care. Guess so. Well Fred, Fred is here in advisory capacity. So we can get him quick, their instant moat eels. Oh, I've heard of instant moat eels. I've also heard of overnight moat eels.

So it's supposed to be pretty good. Stone the ground moat. If you put some brown sugar on some moat eels, it goes down a little bit better. It kind of hides the texture a little bit of the eels. And it's a necessity. We need it for defense. There's so many weasels in these hills that are always sneaking down, looking to snatch

as soon as it's in a way, and suck out our beautiful, beautiful, healthy insides, giving them a shiny coat. And strong teeth. Now I don't want to accuse anyone or make any sort of undoward saving on my apologies, but it does seem like Fred Tata has two big weasel-sized tooth holes right at the top of his dome there. So I was leaking before I think. Yes, they are. They're weasel holes. Yeah. Yeah, I've been sucked by a weasel. It's got to be a better way to say that.

But it perfectly describes what happened. He was sucked by a weasel. And now he keeps vomiting out of his weasel holes. Yeah, come on. Come on. Come on, come on, guys. That must be terrible to get sucked by the woowoo weasel Oh

Body are you okay buddy? Oh Is it our body? Yeah, I'm alright Are are we sure we want to go down this road? Arnie we're in an oval which is basically a biodome When are we ever gonna have this chance to get? That's true, that's true. Yes, and I understand one of you is in the army now?

I am in the army now. Yes, but first, my son. Hmm, yes, all right. Well, with the exchange of treasure, we will be happy to begin to have Fred disassemble all the connections to the mega egg that we've already built up and the egg kingdom and you can trundle it on out of here,

but let's see that sweet cash burst. You said, or if you don't mind, producing the bag of holding? Oh, here we are. And let's see. Is it all right to just dump it out here in the floor of the office? Oh, yes, I'll count it up immediately.

Yes, please do. Alright, you're an egg countant. There we go. Former. The bag of holding holds much more than it is. Much bigger on the inside. Ah, ah, ah. Oh yeah, sorry.

Here's a former egg countant. So I guess now I'll have to count the ransom but do it in like a funny way. As a jester. That's right, we haven't heard much jesting. You know guys, that's putting a lot on me. Nothing you don't deserve, Fred Tata. Do a funny counting of the treasure.

Yeah, count funny for us. Yeah, how funny, Fred Tata. I'm a little bit. Let's look back at this. Has any of this paid off? We literally just paid you off. Count funny. of this paid off. We literally just paid you off. Count funny. Ah, ah, ah.

He's eating his own whites. Yeah. I guess that's one way to do it. It's all there. He didn't even count the money. He just ate his own whites. I can tell it's all there. Okay, he eyeballed it. Surely, a Okay, okay he eyeballed it surely a don he surely eyeballed it so it seems like we're at the end of the bargain. Perfect.

All right so we're just going to I'm gonna pull this lever in the top half of the oval office will lift off. There we go yep notice that the split is a little bit jagged. I'm sorry to get him perfect. Perfect line. Wee! There we go. And there's the mechig towering over us. My eggy baby. Well over us. Yeah, it's not towering over us.

Yeah. I mean, it's just a towering over us. It's a fairly bigger than average egg for us. It's huge. Let me just step out of the dome here and oh, give my egg a hug. It's huge. Let me just step out of the dome here and... Oh, give my egg a hug. Oh, I've missed you so much.

Oh, my sweet school gar. Are you okay? Watch those busy hands, fella. It's okay, it's okay. Hey, I miss you so much. Are you okay? Ooh, oh, buddy. Oh, my big guy.

My big old champ. Oh, look how big you've grown. You've grown so much! Oh look at these spots! What are these spots? Ooh! You're so... Ernie! Do you remember me? Yeah, baby, my son! Oh yeah, of course!

School car! Yeah! Hello, school car! It's me, your kind of grandfather. Uh, it's nice to meet you. I prefer we don't confuse them. Let's just call you Uncle Yousador. That's fine. Arnie, what would you like to be? A step brother, cousin. I guess I'll be God-parent, drunk neighbor.

Oh God-parent, perfect. Oh God-us-parent, if you have that here. I like drunk neighbor. Drunk neighbor, yeah, I can do that. You'll be both. How close do I have to live though? Good neighbors. Okay.

Oh, I guess if we have to define it hard lined two doors down Okay, because any more than that is unlistenable. Yeah, yep Seven and a half years in and I were no longer surprising each other I can't thank you enough Don Fred. Oh, yeah, I- Oh, yeah. Been a long ordeal. Can I ask how you came across, Eggie, baby? Or I'm sorry, as you know him, mega egg. Yeah, the mega egg! Well, this is embarrassing, but it was misdelivered to us.

Oh. We received it in the post, I think, our local postal carrier thought, well, it's an egg. I'm not going to bother to read the address Wow Here's where all these other nice real and is that a fend you Should like oh this is probably I guess I Mean if it should then yes, who I'm trapped to bits

But You gotta spell it out for me for why that would show the wood. Done how are you doing? Like clearly like Fred is so off the rails that we're worried about him but I think this is distracting like how are you doing? Oh it's uh it's been a tough year for sure and the main person I work with is Brad, so you kind of I'm hard to work with Oh yes It's a hard hard boiled it's a hard boiled experience to work with Fred. I Disagree I don't think it's been that difficult. I expected a lot more resistance getting squawgar back But actually I thought this was all kind of over easy. Oh, yeah, and I mean

It's been a long ordeal But we should look on the sunny side up. That's right good point is trunned. Thank you. What else what oh? Sorry, I poached the bin Oh, honey said oh, what do we want to do with that? It's the perfect circle Oh, no. It's the perfect circle. Oh, oh man. Arnie's putting his eyes left and right, so he clearly wants to say much. Why don't we take another, um,

another, uh, rest of this, another say it. Let's take a break. It's Benedict. You have been a dick. Now how are we gonna get this thing out of the middle of the kingdom? The birds! Out of all the birds! We could just lift up with our hands. Oh please! No! Let's... Alright, let us call the birds.

There's so many egg people around, but I'm worried about walking around here at all. I feel like it's practically looks like a double-daren challenge in here. There's so many eggs on the floor. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't want to say anything, but you've been walking on egg shells for a little bit now.

I think what? Oh my gosh. Seven and a half years. I didn't realize. Come on. now. I think what? Oh my gosh. Seven and a half years. I didn't realize. Come on. Oh, and since you visited the Oval Office, would anyone like a quick portrait with me, the current king of the Ang Kingdom? Oh. Happy to stand behind my desk and have one of the

ag artists sketch it for you to take away and chat to me. You want to go first? I would love to get one, but I'd'd like one but at the same time it would just be like what like a fourth of my face in the picture. Just our feet. Just our feet. Well we can do a perspective thing. Oh. I'll get close to the artist and you get back behind me and then we'll have it look like I'm the size of your face or torso. It leads. Oh perfect. Yeah that works great and I'll pretend like I'm leaning on you or something. Yes, put your thumb up like you're leaning.

Okay. And how fast are these portraits? Go well about six to 12 days, probably. Ah, follow in. Yeah. Yeah. Carry the one. I think we'll pass.

I need little arms. Nope. Okay. Well, fine. I sat down and done the hips and I'm going to pass. I mean, all these eggs are spheres. Why does it take so long? Like, you would think the portrait of us would be a lot faster. Yeah, I was thinking this was more of a character-truist situation.

Oh, we can do that. We can go down to the eggs, Pierre. Fun. I want to be surfing. Sure, we can do that. We'll make you surfing. I'll do roller skates. And I want a huge forehead. It's your forehead is huge. Oh on a shot. So Don King you mentioned earlier that at some point you're gonna crack open and your son is gonna be inside of you. Yes. For those of us who are multi-generational eggs

we hatch into the eggs that are our progeny, and then they hatch. I'm Don Omlet, the fifth, number five. Yes. And so there's a sun inside your sun as well. And these sort of internal children, are they ever like Russian to get out?

Well, they're at the, yes. Of course, the shortest live Don Omlet was Don Omlet the second who was laid by Don Omlet the first and then in that process immediately laid Don Omlet the third. So he had long enough to declare, I'm key! And then it was over before we could even say the end. But that's got to be the best part, right? Like a being a king is just like a Retinit rep that you're the king. Oh, absolutely. When I burst from my father, Dom, Omelet the fourth and shouted, I'm king Oh, the only thing that comes close is when a bird nestles down on top of you. Oh, yeah Speaking of do you mind calling maybe if you can kind of airlift my son back to our places,

is that okay? Maybe call them now? Sure, yes, yes, yes. Cool. We can just use our hands. It says it's going to be about five minutes. You saw what they need this. It sounds like they need this.

It's a little bit easy right now. There might be a surcharge. Oh, so you're using birds with a Y? Yes. Birds. Oh, I see, I see. Wait, might be a surcharge. Oh so you're using birds with a Y? Yes! Birds! Oh I see I see. Wait there's a surcharge I have to pay some knight a fee because it's busy. Yes it's a special room that's part of a scroll where you can call up birds and then you you know depending on how busy it is for the birds they can charge you a little bit more it's true. It's good for some birds and bad for others. Yes. Well, five minutes. That's not terribly long. We're

willing to wait. It's a bird on the way, right? What kind? It's an Excel. Excel, what is that? Would you get a hawking old fat bird? Albatross? No more like, I think it says here it's a chicken. Oh. A chicken. Oh. Oh, cancel. Cancel. Yeah, I would cancel that.

Cancel? Yeah, we want a flying bird. But I get charged extra. I'll get charged extra if I can. We don't want a flightless bird. Yeah, they need a bird that can fly and pick up the egg. Fred, we have so much. We will reconpend so from the treasure.

Everyone, I see what's happening here. Fred is a bird pervert. Birdvert, I guess. Absolutely, birds are huge birdbirds. He wants this chicken to come and put its big ass on him. Oh, Fred. And also, you said, or don't pretend like you're not familiar with what a term for someone that's perverted for birds would be.

If anyone would know. Look, I've sat in our birds' ass too. I get where he's coming from. It's great, but all things in moderation, you know. Yes, exactly. Of course. Oh, can I ask about, there seems to be 12 little soldiers lined up over there. It says, Dirty Dozen, and they all have little spatulas on their backs.

Oh, yes. Is that the sort of like the royal guard? Oh, no, they're convicts. So we're going to load them all up into a carton and drop them into the Weasel Kingdom. Oh, no. And hope they kill as many Weasels as possible. Full well knowing that many of them will probably

break on dropping Huh, you should do it twice just to make sure at least one of the missions is kind of fun Hmm. Yes, we could yes absolutely just because the first first mission, Mikata suck It probably will we hired this real psycho to plan it He's been sending all kinds of stuff in the mail. Well then what about that group over there? The egg spendables? Oh yeah, I feel like I recognize a lot of those eggs. Those guys are bad asses. Yes.

Oh super bad ass guys. Little old. Yeah. Pretty veiny for eggs. They look like they're way past their use by date. Yeah. Oh yeah, they're spoiled on the inside for sure. But there's something very different about that third group

They seems like they all have different powers and they're sort of misshapen some of them and some of our first some don't Yes, the eggs man. Okay. Yes. Yes. Well, we've got a professor Charles Xavier Okay, isn't too far to go Egg's in there. Okay. Isn't too far to go? No, no, no. No, it's not too far at all. If you'd like to visit his ex-cademy for gifted youngsters.

Oh, and the blue- the blue-first seems to have a whisk. Is his name beat? It is. Is that fun? Yeah, that's fun. It's very fun. Yes, although you may want to address him by his proper name,

Yoke McCoy. Ooh. It doesn't love being called beat, you know, because it reminds him. Of course. When I look at him, I do want, I hate to say this, when I look at that egg, I do want to toss salad and it's very well worth. Mmm.

Well, wait till the bird gets here, you can toss all the salad you like. Oh, you bird bird, you're all bunch of birdbirds Why doesn't Jean Greg have a code name? well Yeah, she joined before Before we don't know You know I'm sort of realizing part of the problem is so many words already have egg in it is that's a problem Not a problem for us. It should be really helpful today.

Okay, I have a follow-up question. Why is Fred giving so many non-justing jobs? Like every time you need anything done, you have Fred to do it. Why? He has yet to just once. Honey, they're the government. I tried a couple times It didn't work, but that's not my specialty. I started as an accountant All right, good-hash it out. Yeah Well, yeah, let's help Fred write a joke so he can do a little bit of jesting along with his all this other duties I assume you two are the only two that run the government, right? We are we the government. That's great. I got a big tour coming up Oh, well, let's help you Let's help you can cock the tight five-minute egg so were you touring? I'm going all around the place I'm starting

sort of an egg fine a lot oh the here. All around the king, right? All right, well, sorry, you said the chickens here? The chickens here. Yes, the chickens are coming. We got a couple of minutes before we get here. Which one came first? Double. Well, we're about to find out.

We're about to find out. The passenger. Don't fuck me on this. I feel like the eggs were here first. Guys, yeah, maybe we, I know we don't really want to use this chicken, but we should maybe get out of here because I don't know if you've noticed kind of looks like The king is slowly cracking a little bit. Oh, yeah Oh my back

Are you feeling all right? You'll majesty? Oh, I don't know and maybe it's just been a strenuous day, but oh my back is killing me Could I get you an exedron? Well, maybe it's just been a strenuous day, but oh my back is killing me. Could I get you an exedron? Oh, yes please. I could use an exedron or an egg-vill. Someone bring the king an exedron. Oh wait, I know what's happening.

Oh my goodness, I'm hatching. Please, be kind to my son for long! Goodbye, Your Majesty! I'm the King! No! Your Majesty! Your Majesty! The King is dead, long live the King!

And so begins the reign of Don Omelet VI! Huh, and so do you kind of already know what's going on? Or are you just like fresh to the world? I'm the fresh egg. Yep, and it's now my time to die Fred when the king cracks I gotta go Do you have another one inside you? Yes, is there another Fred? No, no, no. I'm unfertilized. Oh Because your family's in the skillet. Oh no! So anyway, this is the end of my road.

You'll never hear from me again. Egg rolls are weird. Yeah. By Fred. Yes. Well, I've been living inside my father fully conscious for the last 24 months. So I'm pretty hip to what's going on. Oh, that's good

So I'm assuming that any deals with the former king are still Yes, the deal stand the deals that you made with Don omelet the fifth Continue to stand okay now that we've resolved that everyone go around the hall and say something nice about Fred before he dies Ah the chicken left I got charged for it something nice about Fred before he dies. Ah, the chicken left, I got charged for it. Give me a one star review. Oh, Fred, Fred, come here, come here. Bring your notebook.

Okay, so the Prince just came out of the king, right? And cracked, the king cracked open. So why don't you write down, why don't you say better off you late than never? Oh, that'd be good. That'd been good if I didn't have to die right now. But you gotta go on those tour dates, you gotta stay alive to do the tour dates. I don't know if the next king allows me to go on a tour.

I'll allow it. Alright! Everything's coming up to that. You guys aren't gonna believe this, but I think this new king is cracking. Oh, damn it! Damn it! Oh, we should have salt as men. We should have salt as men.

And the king! With quick diva-man vinegar majesty. Your majesty. You're a big gentleman. I'm Don Omelet the Seventh. I believe you've... sealed the deal with my grandfather and father, so to speak. We did not sleep with anyone in your family.

No? Well, I was pretty deep in there. It certainly sounded like some banging was going on. No, no, no. That was... I don't know what that was. Oh, that was probably Fred Tata sucking his own egg whites. Do. I've heard about this guy from Two Layers Deep and Woof.

What a mess. Oh, yeah, so you were Two Layers Deep, dude, things like, is it almost like a game of telephone? Do things that kind of misconstrued? Oh, yes, very much so. So what do you think our names are? Ooh. Chute.

Franny. And used door. Close enough? No, I'll accept it. Yeah, I kind of like Franny. Of course, Fred Dutta. All right, I'm gonna die now. No!

Oh, Fred! I have to say one nice thing about Fred before he dies. Fred, I hardly knew thee. But you must know that the impact that you've had in my life, I shall never forget, for I do love birds. And birds, creat eggs, and you are one of those beautiful eggs, part of the goddesses great plan for this world. And I know that you served some great purpose here

by protecting eggy baby and having weird sex with birds. But I know that your family will be better off because of what you have sacrificed for them. Oh my God, that makes me feel so good. I guess I can die sunny side up. Oh wait, wait, I'll say something nice. You were very pleasant and helpful and I feel like I would say you would go to the great refrigerator in the sky,

but you don't believe in that if I remember right? You're a heretic, so he's an existentialist, right? Yes, thank you already. Sorry, thank you, Franny. And so I hope you get to just kind of rest your little soul. Oh yeah, I can't wait to not exist. Franny, say something. One nice thing is, I don't know, I think Fred does a pretty good job of choosing the spots. Thank you, thank you very much for that. All right. So you're an extheist, not an agnostic.

Absolutely. Okay, well, oh yeah, I've made up my mind. I'm an extheist. Okay, well I can't top any of the nice things of the stranger said Even two layers deep. I knew you were a big-time bird butt primer. Oh, yeah, baby Well, I'm just gonna pick up my egg and I think we will get out of your hair I think we will get out of your hair Alright visit anytime

If the if you choose to to mailed mech egg again, it will probably wind up here So you think of course of course we'll keep an eye on it spend this Ransom wisely whatever that means we'll do I think I heard eels on the moat kill any weasels on your way out That you can sure sure. Oh sure of course And we'll see you on the reg The what you what you're on the reg? No, no Guys I keep stepping on so many egg people on my way out of here. I'm trying so hard not to. Just keep looking forward, honey.

Okay, we'll get you that sandwich right away. Ooh, this one had caramel inside. Ooh! I think this one was Fred's wife. She'd want to be with me. No. Guys, I am so hungry. You guys want to go to a diner? Yes! I'm so hungry. You guys wanna go to the diner? Yes!

What was the intention behind On the Reg? Was it a joke? A distraction? Maybe a trigger phrase for any Manchurian-candidate listeners following along? Find out the answer on the next episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. User to the Blue or rather used door was played by Mat Young. Chant the Talking Badger, aka Chute, was played by Adolfi. King Don Omlet, all of them, was played by Jorin Gargallo. Check out Jorin's podcast Beyond the Vale of Sleep.

He also said people should check out his nephew's YouTube channel. That's stereotypical wizard, where the 14-year-old posts animations about his dungeons and dragons campaigns. Fred Tata was played by Louis Saunders. Louis also wants to plug Jorin's nephew's YouTube channel. Great! My niece did a cool drawing of herself holding hands with a rollerblading Pegasus. Check that out, Magneted to the Kitchen Refrigerator next time you're walking through her family's home. There are still some tickets available for our Hello from the Magic Tavern live show at the Bell House Theatre in Brooklyn, New York on Friday, October 14th. Click the link in the show notes

or visit hellofromthemagictavern.com and click the live shows tab for more info. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. All sorts of people with all sorts of names made up of different combinations of letters. Like J.R. Conlin, Megan Dickman-Rennard, Cammy A, Braden Charles-Demathai, I can't be certain a person with that name owns a sailboat, but I have a pretty strong feeling. Timothy M. Peter Wesson. Julian Gross.

Chris Goldman Golden. Daniel Quotten quote, unquote, Foon is real, and then Daniel adds, Why can't I stop lying? It's cost me a lot of friendships. Lily Star and some who. Besides Add Free episodes and all the past spin-offs patrons get at least two new bonus episodes each month here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode with special guest Dan lippert and Aaron Keith I'm trying to catch my husband and not being knowledgeable about teeth because he knows everything about teeth quiz him ask me anything about teeth. I say almost immediately What are the front two teeth top cold? Oh

Pants looking through books Okay, you do get one fast famously you get one fast. Okay, what are the back two teeth called? Oh In the of the mouth. Yeah back to teeth. He's's talking, he's clearly telling me he looks to that bus. Back to teeth of the mouth, that's um, uh, return to library by Mark Smith. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Raffaie, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode, with all its extra squishy, egg sound effects, edited by

Chris Rathchin. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. you