Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 45 - Empty Goblin Town

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

An abandoned goblin town is discovered.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at the Bell House (Brooklyn, NY) on October 14th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And here I am again, compelled to introduce it to you, laboring alone in this abandoned research facility. For me, I'm still here in this coffee machine. Yes, soldiering ahead on my own, no assistance or companionship. Other than me, Craig, your trusty assistant. Granted, I haven't said anything for a while, but you've never really been a chitchat kind of guy, so I... Literally, no one else present in this environment with me. Other and complete solitude.

Okay, now I can't tell if you're doing that thing where you ignore me to hurt my feelings, or you literally cannot hear me. If you can hear me, just say, I can hear you. I... cannot hear any other presence in this space because there is none. And yet you keep pausing just long enough. And so, with no need to carry on a conversation as I am totally alone, let's get to the main event. Or rather, let's not put off the cold splash of creative disappointment any longer. Sit back.

This isn't over. And enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know 7 and a half years ago. And that really has been 7 and a half years. Maybe, maybe longer now.

I don't know. Arnie, can I just say, it is so impressive. The way you ride your horse on your stomach across the saddle, while holding the microphone, my mind is blown. You're chun, you gotta try. Cause here's the thing, while I'm recording, and my head is like, the blood is rushing to my head.

And it feels great. I feel like I'm gonna do my best work in this episode. I rush off to the head. Didn't you say that's your favorite chord play album? But you know what? It's like how do you pick? They're all so good. I'm angry for some reason. I don't know why this fury is building inside me. Just like the one green shoes in the storm. That's probably one of theirs that I love. What are some, you said, or if you were on Earth briefly,

what were your favorite cold play albums? I was on Earth in the 1980s, and you both look like fools. Oh, like you didn't get an echo in the Bunny Man tattoo. You weren't supposed to tell anyone that. Yeah, we don't talk about your echo in the Bunnyman tattoo. I just liked the name. I never heard any of their music. I just sounds fun. You know what? I can't say with confidence.

I've heard echo in the Bunnyman. I gotta be honest, Bunnyman. I don't think I've ever heard them. Bunny, Bunnyman, Bunnyman. I've gotta be honest. I don't know if I've ever heard them. I gotta say, I don't think I've heard them. I don't know if I've heard echo in the Bunnyman. I don't know if I've ever heard them. I've got to say, I don't think I've heard them. I don't know if I've heard Echo and the Bunnymen. I don't know if I've heard them.

Bunnymen. Bunnymen. Bunnymen. Bunnymen. Bunnymen. Bunnymen. All this blood rushing to my head, it's making this a great episode. I was too embarrassed to get a Katrina in the waves tattoo. So I just pointed it one. If we ever go through time again to Earth to when I was in college, ooh, the music we can listen to. Ooh, like what? Belly.

Yes, you're riding on your belly. Big head Todd. And the monsters. Arnie, it's not okay to make fun of big heads. Um, I'm sorry, this blood is rushing to my head, it's getting huge. Duh. Well, I must warn you too. This path back to nipple bottom.

There is some danger that lies ahead for there is a goblin compound here. A town of theirs nearby. Mostly underground but there will be landmarks above that will signal its presence. But you know what are aren't most of the goblins missing from food? I feel like they've been gone since season one. That's how I track time. Also, I'm 98% sure you said nipple bottom. I wasn't gonna say. I was like, you're right. I was like, uh-oh. I thought I said nipple nipple bottom. Did I say nipple bottom? I think I heard nipple bottom. Can we run back the audio? Is's our way to do that? Can we listen to ourselves? Arnie, can we listen to ourselves? Arnie, can we listen to ourselves?

Sure, let's play it. Can you imagine the glory of listening to my dulce to tones? Oh, and oh again, ah, gentle listener. Fall asleep. Go to sleep right now before you have to listen to the rest of this episode. Not all the blood is rushing to my head right now if you know what I mean. Oh, Arnie, I think I found the spot.

Arnie, I just want to say I really like the way you ride your horse, where you lay on your belly. Ah, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do I sound like that? Yeah, more or less. But here's the thing, it's, I know, you can always be weird to hear yourself. I'm a monster at the end of the book. Yeah hear yourself. I'm a monster at the end of the book Yeah, what there's a monster at the end of this book. I shall slay this book. No need smash potions Great you threw this smash potion down and now our horses all turned into eels

Now that I'm just sitting on the ground with an eel sliding away from me, I suppose um... That's my favorite question to my ass. Excuse me, sir. Are you sitting on an eel or just happy to see me? Mmm. You're not a monster, giant. You're a grover, not a showver. Oh. Okay. Don't know what that means, but I'll take it. I'm still recovering. I gotta stand up. Oh, get a showver. Oh, okay. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it. Oh, I'm still recovering. I gotta stand up. Oh, get it. Get it. We should still be very cautious as we approach this goblin in compound, because

there's a chance that there may be some of the non-military goblin still about, or it may be deserted. I've seen some settlements that have been completely barren and others that only a few goblins remain behind, and they've sort of lost their way. It's very, very sad. Okay, let's be Smash Potion to the door, walk in, and see Smash Potions around the compound. I don't see anything. Thank you for using those Smash Potions.

Yeah. John, I also appreciate how you love throwing the smash potions, but I have no investment in what they do. Oh, you're really just throwing stuff. It's the latest craze. I don't know if you know this, but you take a regular potion, you put it on a griddle, like a flat top.

You put a press on top of it. That's gonna give it a nice sear, make a nice seared smash potion. Delicious. Then you grab it, you little, you little a nice sear, make a nice seared smash potion. Delicious. Then you grab it, you little, you little smashing grab. You throw it wherever you want, and who the fuck knows what happens. Boom, potion, that's what happens.

You know, whatever magic the potion was, it might, it might be like a smoke bomb, it might be something to change a horse into an eel. Could be acid. It could be acid, yeah. I have a smash potion and apparently inside it, whatever it explodes onto will become unbreakable. Ugh.

Oh, bounced. Oh, I suppose we didn't think that went through, did we? Oh, let me just uncork it and go, go, go, go. Ah. Well, all right, what do you wanna eat now? I guess my stomach's unbreakable, but my bones and body are totally exposed Right, let me eat one of this mash potions

Oh, that was the acid one. Oh I think it'll be all right because you already drank that other one The toilet's gonna be a nightmare. Oh, yeah, I think I got to say of my buttles. Boys, tonight we have a funeral for one of my buttles. Mmm. Oh. You named both of them, right? What, which one are you losing? Oh, Arnie, I didn't wanna expose their names to the public

that's sort of a personal matter. Mm-hmm. Right, now you're shy. How about this? We'll just let the patrons know on Patreon. Oh, I love that. That's good marketing. Arnie, will you play taps at my butt hole's funeral?

Huh, that's a sentence I've said way too many times. Yeah, you said some of that sentence before. This place seems pretty empty to me, I don't know. Yeah, and there's a lot of, uh, there's a lot of like gross signs. They're like, home is where the goblins are. It's goblin clock somewhere. This is all kind of gross.

Yeah, ding-ding. Oh, but he's no effect. It's goblin clock somewhere. This is all kind of gross. Yeah. Ding-ding. Pobody's perfect. You should not be laughing at that. Oh wait, you know what? I don't think that, I don't think that's supposed to be funny, you used to do it. I think, you know,

remember when we met those goblins, into a nerf? Yes. I think it's cousin is Pobody nerficked. Oh, it's just a memorial. Oh, Einta and Nerf? Yes. I think his cousin is Popeye Nerfict. Oh, it's just a memorial. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's a sticker on this chair that says, my other goblins, a goblin. Huh. Oh, should I impact it? I don't even understand that one. I don't get it. My other goblin's a goblin. This one just says.

Hold on, hold on, we're figuring this out. We're figuring this other one out. Okay, okay, fine. Okay, fine. My other goblins, the other goblins, I'm like, Goblin. So I guess that means they had two goblins.

My other goblins, the goblin. My other goblin. Oh, I think I got it. You sure, I think I got it. Okay. So my other goblin in terms of the creature is goblin like a turkey. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So my other goblins, a turkey a turkey or eating or maybe they're eating We're in an interesting shot answer the question like no no no no no no Stop saying that like no no no no no. I hate that all right Arnie. What about a yours? Well mine just says if mommy and happy ain't nobody goblin Oh, there's one next to it that said if mama ain't happy ate Pobodyody Nurfict. And this one just says, mind the gap, but then it's got Goblins scrawled at the end. Hmm. Hmm.

Here's a book just called, you might be an orc if. Uh-oh. Goblins hate orcs, right? Oh yeah, oh yeah, they definitely don't get along. You know, they're very, well, they have some shared ancestry, but they are different. A garbans, for instance, so I can bring each other back to life. That's really the big one. I hate to revisit this, but as I remember, you used to be, virantly anti-orc, right?

Right, right, because they serve the forces of evil. Oh, in the bathroom, I find another sign. It says, when she's a ten, but she's an orc. Oh, yeah. Pretty rough, pretty rough stuff. Yeah, so these weren't the cool goblins for sure. That's what we can all agree to that. Oh, wait, in this sign says, enjoy the ool.

Notice there's no goblin in it. And let's keep it that way, huh? They don't let themselves swim in their own pool. Their pools must be pristine. This is awful. They should have more self-respect than that. I'd look, I came around on Orcs a long time ago. I want to help them free themselves from the evil that controls them so that they

can live their own happy lives and not be forced to fight for that master of darkness, the dark lord who's definitely already dead. And also you don't have to pretend to be a ghost. Go look to full, uh, pirancy. Oh, okay. Uh, here. Oh, ah, ah, oh, now you're too solid. Yeah. You're like a gravitational hole.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm trying, oh, I got a thing. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I reset. Oh, I reset. Okay. I can still see through my hand though, but I have to put it up in front of me at a very weird angle. And I think I learned who invented rock and roll.

Great Scott! Well, I suppose that doesn't appear that any goblins here. Should we just steal some shit? Yes. Just take, should we look for treasure or useful things. Oh, that's a good idea. Uh, let's see.

Oh, look at this, it says, pain box, they got a pain box. It's got a hole on the side, put your hand in, I guess. What generation of pain box? Pain box 360, pain box one, pain box X. It just says pain box. So it's easy to first pain box.

So later on, they probably were just like we just called Paynebox again. No, we don't want that. I think that's a first generation Paynebox. Oh, they have a Swair Jar. It's empty. Let's fill it. Oh, fuck! Oh, sorry, I put my hand in the Paynebox. And hurt! That hurt! Ooh, you guys gotta try this pain box, come on. It's kind of a low-res hurt though, right?

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't like unbearable, but like I kind of want to do it again. Is my hand compatible with that? You're trying it, but it is. Is it backwards compatible if I put my butt into it? Yeah, give it a try. I'll let me back up my ass and, oh, oh my. Oh, oh, dear. I mean, yes and oh, oh my. Oh, oh dear.

Yes, yes, yes. Maybe the box and the acid will cast on each other out. I'm not gonna put my hand in there again. Okay, so I think I'm gonna take this pain box. If nobody else wants it. If nobody else wants it. No, I'll cast a spell of magical detection. Oh, big surprise.

A roth, a trompoth, or a tear, call a shinthalakoth, tumbuck. Ooh, a magical hand, and it's pointing right at you, so door, hey, you found some. Oh, not me. Find other magical things. Yeah, oh, did you cast a ur here,or. Hey, I found some. Oh, not me. Find other magical things. Yeah. Oh, did you cast a UR here, Spell? Damn. I might have.

Well, maybe just because I'm the most magical thing in the room. Okay, I'll cast a spell to find... You're the most magical thing in the room. He hasn't been singing that song all week while we've been traveling. Is this season? What does that song celebrate? Magic. They have the most magical thing in the room, which is usually me. Wait a minute, Arnie.

Did you not know it's magic appreciation month? What? Arnie, you piece of shit all month? Yes. Yes, all month. One month of the year, we can't set aside some time to appreciate those who bring magic into our lives. And the natural magic that just flows everywhere

throughout food. What do I have to do to celebrate this holiday? Well, what do you want to do? Oh, good question. And then I'll tell you. I mean, I guess I want to see some cool magic. Fuck you. Magic appreciation is not about making people do magic already.

Oh. It's about appreciating when they do magic. Oh, so it's like Labor Day. What? There's on Earth, there's only one day a year when people work. And it's really confusing. Or, or, or, use the word, or. Oh, it's one day a Or, or, or, user, or.

Oh, it's one day a year when people give birth. Whoa. You mean all those Billy Yum Yum 2x2s have the same birthday? That's wild. That must be confusing. I hate to go back to this, but I don't wanna talk about earth stuff. Yeah, you hate it.

I hate it. I hate it. Earth people, I love it. Arnie, for Magic Appreciation Month, you do have to write a Limerick for a Magic user and say it in front of them. So while you go ahead and compose that, why don't we take a quick break

and we'll be right back with Arnie's Limerick. It's gonna be great. Arnie, keep in mind, I'm a shapeshifter, next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm I don't know the term inherent. It's not really, it's only affecting myself really. I can't really affect things outside myself, if that may be possible. I mean, also I can do the spell,

Galee, Lichten, Conor, so. Look, see how many of them. That's pretty good. Yeah. Onnie, thank you. Arnie, thank you. Oh, I appreciate you. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Anything you want to say to us? Mm, thank you for the thank you. Oh, I appreciate you. You're welcome. Welcome. Anything you want to say to us? Thank you for the thank you All right, so just a limbic is First line second line rhymes with first line the next two lines Ryan's got to be a better way to describe this there has to be a Lesslie a better way to describe this I'm glad we're taking the time to describe it in the podcast. The last line rhymes with the second line, which also happens to rhyme with the first line.

Arnie, it's A-A-B-B-A-Rhymes scheme. Aba. Whatever, dude. Ehhhhh. Yucinor is a real mock cucker. Hmm. Nothing rhymes with mock cucker. And did I mention he's also a lock trucker? Ooh, too shay.

Something. Something, something, something, something, something. Oh my, oh my. Priyom. Yeah, what's the last one? Damn, that's one magic cock sucker. Oh wow. I didn't see that coming.

That is not appreciation. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's the thing. Here's the thing you guys are never gonna believe this. Here's my secret. I thought of the last line first. Ah. Arnie, you genius.

And so I just had to do it. So even if the first ones are maybe not as brilliant as the last line, it's like just subtly setting up that last line. Wait, let me try, let me try, let me try. Mm-hmm. I know a wizard who's a bag and braper. Yousador is a dragon slayer.

Holy shit, it works. You're story. This is magical. Okay, I suppose I will try it. I knew a wizard who was orange. Oh. Oh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'll have to try it again later. Are you a man named party piecemamps? My best friend's name is Arnie Neekham's.

Huh. Ooh. I cannot miss with this tip. John, I've been meeting with you to tell you this for seven and a half years. Huh? There's no ass at the end of my last name. It's Arnie Neekham, not Arnie Neekham's.

It's Arnie's Neekham. No, there's no ass's anywhere in my name. I'm pretty sure. Hold on. Maybe there's no S at the knee camps, but I feel like there's a reason I started saying that. So I'm more knee-shrash, baby. About two years ago, I feel like you owed me

a thousand gold coin, probably. And when I came to collect, you said, no, no, no, that was my twin brother. So I started to call you the Arnie knee camps, because you said his name was also Arnie Neek Camp and you started sweating profusely and darting your eyes around the room. Are you not a twin? I am.

Can you tell your brother he owes me a thousand gold? I will. Next time I see him. That's why my eyes are always darting around. And that's why they're darting around right now. Not just because I want to say, and Winshut I want to say no, but because I think there's always a chance

to the other Arnie Knee Camp is around. You got your, are you too close? Am I too close to what? Are you and the other Arnie close? Oh, like relationship wise. No. And he was in the car when you went through the portal? Yeah, glove box.

Oh. The car has a glove box, yeah. You know what, here's the thing, if I don't wanna say too many details about this other underneath camper, we might accidentally summon him. You know like how every time we mentioned the yellow wizard, he shows up, let's not, you know, totally unrelated.

I don't know why he's asking for example. Yeah, can we not? Can we not? Can we not? Can we not? Speaking of appreciation now, pretty cool wizard. Yeah. It's a month where you have to.

One day I'll kill him. I think you already did. Oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah. We'll pet on the back. Well, we rhyme something with Arnie's name. So let me think if I can think of a rhyme for Chunch's name. And we're gonna go to break, we'll be right back.

Well, we just went to break. Chunch, we can't go to break. Well, we can't, I know, look. I know that one time you're like, you were trying to sell me on the idea that if we go to break. I can't, I know, look. I know that one time you're like, you were trying to sell me on the idea that if we go to each break immediately, we can be done with the show in like three minutes. Yeah, we gotta space them out a little bit.

Yeah. I think I've got it. Arnie won't stop talking about how much he loves Alan Funt. But he's also best friends with the badger name Shunt. Ooh. Uh oh, he's still got a third line at the end. Which we'll rhyme with the second and first line. Something, something, something, something,

on this last line I think I will punt. Uh-huh, uh-huh. All right. Well, how pretty good, pretty good. I like that we've changed the Limerick format to A-A-X-X-A. It's an interesting. X could be anything. Yeah. We'll let the listener

solve for X. Look, I challenge anyone to say that those two lines don't rhyme. They've rhyme. No, technically you're right. You're technically you're right. Clearly. You know, Arnie, it occurs to me,

but usually when something is displaced across dimensions, you mean like the goblins that you accidentally right, right, right. Displaced from this world, which is probably, it's been a very, like, traumatizing for them to be sent someplace else. Arnie, it is magic appreciation. Wait, I'm so sorry, I have to ask this clarifying question

about magic appreciation, man. Yes. Do we also have to appreciate magical fuck-ups? That's a good question. First of all, I think it's a huge assumption to assume that the garbans aren't having a wonderful time, just like you're having a wonderful time here in food. They're having the most wonderful time in the room. Huh, we know two different songs. Sorry about that.

One of those songwriters has to sue one of those other songwriters. Why? Does it the same song? No, it's got different lyrics. How can it be the same song with different lyrics? Use your brain. My song went, and his song went,

Totally different. Totally different. But here's the thing, John. You are incapable of saying the same lyric, the same way twice in a row. Dandandandudududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududududud Oh, oh, oh, stop. Arnie, never let me listen to myself again. Yeah. Use the door. Whatever you do, don't tell him that I only play audio on my laptop

at 0.5 times speed. Okay. Why are you telling me? Because if I don't tell you, then I'll just be talking to myself. And I'll feel weird about it. Got it. Hey, guys, I was thinking this Goblin compound.

You know how there's all this furniture here, and there's all kinds of like jars and bottles and vases. I was thinking maybe just kinda like, let go of some of the pin-up horse riding anger that we've incurred to just like smash shit. Should we just like smash everything in this compound? I mean, that'd be kinda fun. Look, we don't know these goblins are never coming back.

Like, sure, what? We can steal their pain box. But before we totally trash the place, can we look around and confirm that maybe they're evil goblins? All right, let me do a detect evil spell. Wait, you can do that? Tron, ca, la, chin, de, fa, ca, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la wrong god I'm joking he's joking aren't he? He's joking no wait not his back his stomach his stomach

okay oh yeah oh thank you who who hey chun can you say what a wonderful world real fast and then play it back sure what a wonderful world okay let me just put this back. What a wonderful world. What the fuck? I think that's pretty good. Yeah, I didn't even put vibrato in the world. But it was there when I went back.

Arnie, what's happening? I don't know. That's how I hear you. You don't hear yourself that way. Maybe because you have tiny ears. Oh, that must be it. Mm. Do you want me to make your ears bigger because you have tiny ears. Oh, that must be it. Do you want me to make your ears bigger? I could do that.

Oh, that's true. Too big, too big. Too good. I'll just leave them here. Okay. Well, let's keep looking around. Oh, you saw, you're gonna put a detect evil hand in the air. Oh, yes, let me do that now.

I'm gonna detect it like you just don't care. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b Shad, hands. Finger sort of looking around. And it's a middle finger, interesting. So scooting some things aside. That's cleaning up. It's weird that the hand is like taking out a little glasses and putting them on one of its fingers. You have a closer look around. Sure, yeah, that helps. Cute.

Arnie, I just let it do its job. Don't talk to the hand. This is gonna seem strange, but I gotta tell you, this spell looks exactly like hamburger helper from Earth, from my world. Arnie, note, they're different. This hand goes, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d I don't think you can. I don't know. I'm gonna throw my hands in the air. I go in the bunny, man. But I'm in?

Well, just we just got a thumbs up from the big hand. So I think we found some evil here, guys. Oh, so wait, thumbs up means evil found, and then AOK means there's no evil, or thumbs down means there's no evil. Thumbs down means there's no evil. I realize it's confusing, but it is at a tech evil spell. So if it finds evil, it goes. Thumbs up. there's no evil. I realize it's confusing, but it is an intact evil spell So if it finds evil it goes thumbs up got evil guys

What if it like extends its middle finger at you probably you're just annoyed in it. I probably mean fuck you I think you yeah, probably big fuck you some things are multi universal. Yeah, I think that is maybe the one universal constant Nothing a fuck you okay. well, let's smash some shit. Pooch, smash, poach, smash, poach, smash, poach, smash, poach. Do you know how to hold the pressure? Whaa! Whaa! Ah! Whaa!

Ah! Shunt fly, elbow! Ah! Oh, cut my elbow, pretty bad. I just like to walk by things and just nudge them off of tables. That's so little effort, but you still get a smash. You're like a big fucking cat, Ernie, in so many ways. Hey, uh, Chant heard his elbow, so I'm going to, uh,

cast a detect fractured elbow spell. Hey, Nguyen Tu, the Hexacan, and he shunned the hawk. Okay, now there's a big blue hand. It's pointing at- oh, it's pointing at Chant's elbow. Huh. That works. and then he shunned the hawk. Okay, now there's a big blue hand. It's pointing at, oh, it's pointing at chun cell, though. Huh. That works. She wears a scalpel.

You wear this on your skirt. I get what's going on here. You do? What? Oh, it just happens to be magic appreciation month where we have to think magic. And all of a sudden, Yusidor is doing a lot more magic than usual for things that don't even require it.

Like, oh, uh oh. John broke his arm. Let me do that spell to confirm that he broke his arm. How dare you. Thank you, Yusador. You're welcome, Arnie. Making fun of me for doing my job. Hey, Yusor, you go over there.

Arnie, you go over there. What, actually, you put you both on the side. Arnie, come back, come back. You go on this side. Okay. And I should go over there with Arnie actually put you both on the side. I already come back, you go on this side. Okay. And I should go over there with Arnie. No, no, no. Well, actually, let's try that.

I'm lonely over here. Yeah, I'll go over here with you. Okay. Okay, now I'm going to draw a line down the middle of the goblin compound. Okay. And nobody crosses this line, okay? Okay.

Okay. So Arnie and I over here. Wait, and also, Rent is due? How does this work? Hmm. I found drugs under your bed. Huh, no. What's the...

Those are your drugs. You asked me. You said there's no more room under your bed for your drugs. Can we please show some under my bed? You little mark. You little mark? What? I'm not.

What are you doing? He's joking. These are not my drugs. Flesh down my throat. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Don't worry. It won't cause any effect because I drink that potion that makes me unbreakable. Oh, yes, very good.

Does that help drugs work? I bet that potion lasts 500 years. Arnie, why can I only say 500 like that? I don't know. You try. Um, 500? No. 500?

Like that's like 500? I just bought 500 cookies. I have 500 dogs that seem to be outside of this house right now, looking at us. Huh. Do do do do. These are don't be stupid. What the fuck?

No, look at the window right now. They're about 500 dogs looking at us. They're all just staring at us. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Any dogs and food. Okay, I have a plan. We all go to sleep. And when we wake up, they're gonna be gone. Right, well, should we all just go to sleep right now? Yeah, let's go sleep. I'll use magic to put us all to sleep while we take a quick break. Sleepy time, sleepy time. Thank you. Stay in a wake would be such a crime.

Something, something, something, something. We'll be Christmas Day. Hey. Oh, thanks. Jinks. What? I Jinks We both yonder at the same time Are the dogs guys I hope I hope I did Talk to my sister waking me yeah, it's possible depending I might have done some Adrenes and I sleep depending on where you're listening to this.

I'm sure that'll be great. I'm sure it'll be great audio. Oh, fuck. Fuck, the dogs are still here. Okay, here's what we'll do. Did goblins tend to have this many dogs? No, they didn't usually have pets. There wasn't a common goblin trait to keep pets. So this mini is very strange.

Maybe they just moved in here because there was no one to keep around here. Maybe they were eating the food that got left behind. No, they just sort of made it their own. So maybe we're trespassing on a dog town, not a goblin town. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take one for the team. I'm going to turn into a dog. I'm going to go talk the team. I'm gonna turn into a dog. I'm gonna go talk to them. I'll be back in two minutes. I'm just gonna go see what they want. Okay. Don't make any loud noises. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the thank yous. Okay. What are they wearing? Look like some are wearing very ragged bandanas and

Looks like some are wearing very ragged bandanas, and some of them are wearing collars it looks like. I don't know that I've ever seen an animal wearing a collar in fun, unless we've mentioned that in the previous episode. Well, they look, I don't wanna make an assumption here, but they look like the dogs I would see on Earth. Huh. It's the only place in all of the universe I've seen someone put a bandana on a dog.

Yeah. And what are they gonna do with that? Wait, let me try something. I'm gonna... I know Chun's off talking to them, but I'm just gonna, oh, I'm just gonna go a little bit closer and say... RIGGLI! So many of them started barking. Wow, these are earth dogs, I think.

Oh, the chunt. Oh, that was intense. Okay, so it seems there's like three of them they're leaders, okay? Okay. We have Professor Hallotosis. That's cute. Tony scrumptious.

Okay. And potato skins. Aw. Yeah, I know. Aw, I said it too. Aw. Are those the kind of dog names dogs give each other? Arnie, I don't have time to do this. Go back.

Oh, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Arnie. All right. We need to find out what these dogs are doing here. Not where their names come from. We need to. Yes.

I know. It's just kind of fun to send them back and forth. All right. If we don't wear them out, he's not going to go to sleep easily. It's time for bed. That's very true, and then he'll be up all night making him racquet. Especially all the drugs he's usually on. I know, and then we never get to enjoy our 500 minutes together. I know.

Okay. Back into a badger. Okay, I found out those are the names that give each other. Those are their actual names. Oh. But their colors and tags and something different. So just kind of scanning the 500 dogs I found, 48 charles, 16 bellas, 32 bellies, 128 maxes,

420 buddies, two da daysies, three looses, four loonas, five mollies, 68 loolas. Are you talking about your drugs again? We had 38 coupers, a couple prosis, a bag of cane, and some loodies. And a whip it. And a whip it. But Arnie, they gave me a list of demands. Oh, okay. some lattes and a whip it and a whip it. But Arnie, they gave me a list of demands. Oh, okay. This is from potato skins.

Do you know what I'm called on though? How many of them are good boys? There's no way to tell. I mean, use your, well, use your, you could do your magical hands and they could go dog to dog with a thumbs up or a pointed finger. I should cast a spell of detect good boys.

I think so. This has got me to trouble before. If it doesn't detect us, I'm gonna be heartbroken. Aratro, come out, ta-da, da-da-da-da. Okay, it's pointing at Arnie. That's nice. Oh, that's a catchy spell. It's pointing at Shunt.

Huh? Oh, okay. Now it's very tough towards's plenty of chunt. Oh, okay. Now it's very tough. Towards the dogs. Pass me right up, okay? Hmm, maybe I'll come back to you last. Probably because I cast it, it's just not thinking I would check myself. Okay, here's the list of demands from the Paperskins.

Number one, we must be told we're good boys. Oh, there you go. Okay. Oh, it says dot dot dot, or good girls. Okay, very good.'re good boys. Oh, there you go. Okay. Oh, it says dot dot dot or good girls. Okay. Very good. Very good. What?

I mean, good, good, good dogs. Number two, we went, scratches behind the ear. Okay. Number three, wet food. Wet food. What the fuck is that? Wet food?

This is more expensive. But what is it? So you take food and then you dunk it in water? No. Is this like a sloppy stick situation? Kind of. You get it from like a can. Oh, that doesn't sound very good.

Well, dog food isn't very good. Well, what do you feed dogs on earth? Just like, sort of like dog cereal. Oh, that sounds good to me. Dog cereal, yum yum yum yum yum. Yum yum yum yum. I'm now I'm doing it fuck. Number four, throw ball.

Okay, throw ball, throw ball. Am I saying that right? Throw ball. Yeah, it sounds right. Why are you having such a hard time with that? At number five, bunch of bones. Huh, this seems so bad. Now, bunch of bones could be a demand,

or it could be like a derogatory way to talk about us. Oh, maybe these, maybe these are all insults. Hey, wet food, get over here. Hey, you fucking wet food. Maybe there's a piss that Netflix canceled that bone animated series that was coming. Based on that show you love with David Boriannaz. No, based on the graphic novel I love, and that, you know what, I feel like you two would love, but never mind. Well, I mean, I'm watching the finger. It seems to be pointed at all of the dogs.

So I think they're all good girls and good boys. Wait, sorry, you're sorry. I forgot to ask this, Avarney. Since you're talking about adaptations, I think you should or when I have one giant question, which is, yeah, is there gonna be a family circus? Yeah, look, family circus just wouldn't work in any other maybe.

Come on, I gotta see that, man. No, wait, I'm sorry, I said that wrong. Family circus doesn't work in any medium. Not even the one that's currently in. Especially not the one that's currently in. Oh, no medium because it should be a large please daddy. No, large please daddy, yes. Good, been getting, I gotta say,

listeners been getting a lot of emails that end with large please daddy. Large please daddy. If you'd like to understand what we're talking about, please go subscribe to the Patreon. Yeah. And here are the two names of my buttholes. Exactly.

I think. Well Arnie, these are either insults or their demands, so we should probably pick our approach or strategy. How do you understand how are all these earth dogs here? Often when there's dimensional travel, there's displacement. Usually the universe tends to balance itself out because the universe is divinely created by the three goddesses in such a way to be that perfect and that beautiful. And perhaps when the goblins were sent to Earth

where they're having a wonderful time, I'm assuming, just like you are here. Maybe these dogs came here in their place. Hmm, it's kind of a one for one. So all these dogs have been here for years and years? Sean, can you go ask them how long they've been here? Uh, I should have told him to figure it out if they were telling him in dog ears, so people get out.

You want to send him back? Yep. They said 3000 years? Okay, that sounds like dog ears, probably. Well, they were laughing as I left. Oh, I don't. Wayne, have they been fucking with us this whole time? Hey, wet food! Don't fuck with us!

You fucking wet food! You wet food! Yeah, I need something else. You dirty wet food! How about that? You wet foods. Ooh, plural! You wet foods. You wetts? You wetts foods? Well, guys, I know we weren't necessarily looking for this, but I guess we now have 500 pets. Yes, Arnie, welcome to the club! I don't have 500 pets. Yes, Arnie, welcome to the club. Ooh, well, I think, Arnie, I think these need to be your pets. They're earth dogs. And I already have many cats.

Look, a lot of people will tell you, earth dogs are easy. Oh, I knew that. Just not true. I don't want to embarrass anybody, but look over there. That one dog is eating poop. Oh. Well, I mean, the dogs still do that. It's all right. Hold on, Arnie.

Mm-hmm. Not but three days ago, did I see you eating your poop. What? Come on. How was it Snickers? Uh-huh. And how many Snickers did you have when you came to Foon? Here's the thing.

Apparently I had one more than I thought, and I just discovered it. Sure. I should look all this time. I didn't think about my discovered it. Sure. I should look all this time. I didn't think about my other pocket. Okay, I got your back, buddy. You, sir, I was mistaken. Arnie wasn't eating his own poop. Okay, fine.

You said, or cast detect shit eating. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, flee, Maybe he saw you eating shit in the sense that, you know, you fell on your face. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Bate of damn fool of yourself. Yeah, your neck got all tore up, and I saw that Drew tattoo just came off the skin peeled back.

Yeah. Sorry to see that go. Unfortunately, you gave me two Drew tattoos, so now I just have one. Tete Drew's, please. What a two-drew to die today. Well, I mean, I don tattoos, so now I just have one. Ted Drew's, please. What a two-drew to die today. Well, I mean, I don't see what other choice we have,

but to go out there and scratch some fucking tummies. Yeah. I thought they went and scritches behind the ears. Oh, I feel like tummies more fun. Yeah, we'll do ears, and if they roll over, they roll over. Yeah, we'll feel it out. You know, we'll just feel it out.

Let's go have fun with puppies. Wee! Oh! Oh! Is it a seal? Scratch us, guys. Here's another 12-feel double-feet. That's our life and job.

Come here, I can see the scratches. Oh, this one seems aggressive. Oh, this one seems aggressive. Let me rip out my face, but we want it to a ball. Go and throw it, go catch. So you it to a ball and throw it to a ball! Go catch! See, I just wanted a ball.

I just wanted a ball. I'm remembering to tell you of your face, John. No problem. Harnie, I gotta say, these are the most wonderful dogs in the world. See, that song also sounds the same. Wait, let me go back on the computer. In the marriage, when the river burns in the wind. Much better.

Ernie, I like the sound of that. Alvin! Wow, so when all those goblins were sent to Earth in season one, a bunch of dogs from Chicago must have been sent to food That's one mystery solved as the first person speaking after the podcast I'd like to say there's no greater watermark of creative bankrupt seed than simply adding a bunch of puppies Well done everybody. Oh come on. I just said user of the blue was played by Matt Young Can you really not hear me? I have important information about the goblins and the lower levels of this secret government facility was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refire.

Want to see hello from the Magic Havron Live? Really? Blink twice if you're in trouble. If not, there's a Magic Havron Live show the Bell House in Brooklyn on Friday, October 14th. Click on the link in the show notes or visit helloforthemagictavern.com and click the Live Show's tab for more info. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm worried about you. Maybe you've been working alone too long. Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, who I believe were lied to until their money would go towards buying tiny pieces of artwork

to decorate Miracad dwellings in the Serengeti. These are trusting easily bamboozled people like Drainer and Tonsyson, Renée Jolinlund, Gary Barlow, Graves, Illuminati Jones, distant cousin to Osmosis, Rafe, Trevin from Ohio, Kirsten Manda, Sammy Barrows, JD Johnson, Matt Sendeck, Laurie Garner, Rebecca the Feminist, Kayla R, Chuck Brandtman, and Void Theory. Oh Void Theory, do I detect six years of graduate school

and then living in a siblings' carriage house while you figure out your next steps? Am I close? Patrons, even Void Theory, get ad-free episodes, all the past spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. In fact, I've been notified that they just recorded a special bonus episode

announcing the name of Chun's Butles. And if there's a truer sign that Autumn has arrived, I don't want to know what it is. While you wait for that bit of craftsmanship, here's a clip of an all new behind the tavern. Where editors talk about the process of putting together the show. What's up, clip? If I was to play any characters though, I do one that sounds like this, insert PB3, and then one that sounds like this, insert top of the badger, just living, giving notes to yourself.

Whoever, whoever's at it in this, which is a decent question. Do not. Yeah, it's me. So really, I just think I'm hiding. It's me. So really, I'm setting myself up to dunk on myself. Yeah. Can I ask though, what does it sound like before, like what does PB3 and Talbot sound like before everything is added?

Um, God damn it. Alright, so PB3 literally is like just an emotive, this is gonna be so embarrassing. Ha ha ha. Yes, he does, is what people paid for. Yeah, he does a lot of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I run that through a voice modulator.

Oh God. Ryan is just a fist bump in the air. And so it's Pac-Man, it's basically Pac-Man. Ryan, can you ask PV3 a question and Garrett will respond as he would do it as PV3? Sure, well, we got two doors here, PV3. And you know how I love doors that on the left, but I also like doors on the right.

What do you think? Mm. Me, sir? Me, dude, did you? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Perfect. I forgot, I brought my W I'm sorry, I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I brought my, uh, Wampa friend.

Yeah, I forgot. You, you, you write your tiny jar jar? If you're wondering why that clip wasn't shorter, well, the people capable of doing that were all busy talking. To hear the whole conversation or to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. You can also hear some of my current adventures during the intros and outros of a lot of the patreon content. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne

Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic tavern theme by Andy Poland. Since you can't argue, I'm gonna add that Craig is a crucial and beloved part of the show. Well, Dr. Hallotosis. I guess we finally found a real home here with these uh... these three uh... three weirdos. I can cure Tony scrumptious. What do you think potato skins? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Wait, I'm potato skins. But you have the worst breath. Ironic is it not? It's pretty silly that your Dr. Allatosis went uh... when all potato skins here definitely has a worth breath of all of us. Should we swap names? Because we're all named grigly on back on Earth. So I guess no one would know the difference.

Let's go around and say what breed we are. I'm a chocolate lab. Boxer. Beeshawn Freeze! Oh, he's choking, he's choking. He's choking. He's choking. Get him on his back.

Get him on his back. You know, I've been thinking about maybe a new triumvirate without potato skins in it. I was thinking the same thing. Show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show good, show Hey, skins. Oh, here's some boob. Here's some boob. Oh, boob. Oh, that's why his breath is so bad. Potato skins. Snobbs. Can. Was that can?

You, sir, did you hear that? I thought I heard it too. Madera. Wait, is that can? You hear that? I thought I heard a dog sound just like can. I thought I heard it too. Murderer! Wait, is that can? Over with that dog eating shit. No. No. You fucking wet food.

Yeah, shit, you dumb wet food. 500. Thank you.