Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 47 - Princess Ahag

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Ahag's mysterious tattoos may hold the secret to whether she's secretly lost royalty.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiAhag: Colleen DoyleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at the Bell House (Brooklyn, NY) on October 14th.Click HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!Click HERE for tickets or viewing details for Back With You Again: Celebrating 75 Years of Kukla, Fran, and OllieSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Question, would you like to see hello from the Magic Tavern, fake though it may be, performed live? Personally, if I were made to attend such an event, I would ask to be thrown against a wall made of speeding cars Anyway, there's a special chump for Red October show in Brooklyn this Friday, October 14th And the special guest is listed as Tim Sniffen. Well, there's a name of a chump if I've ever heard one. Good luck, buddy Hmm feeling dizzy Hmm, feeling dizzy. Beep, beep, beep, beep in the October show, they should have fixed by the holiday one.

Don't quote me. For tickets for I the Show, check out the links in the show notes or drag those smooth baby-like fingers over to helloforthemagictavern.com and click the Live Show's tab. Now, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fumes. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fumes. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fumes. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host Arnie Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 7 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar in the town and nibble bottom at the base of the unnamable mountain in the magical land of fun. And I am joined as always here in week three of Magic Appreciation Month by the Ghost of Yusidor.

I was Yusidor. Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakis, the elves Numiya Sphiang Yelik, the draws Numiya's Zonen Hook stangies, and I am known in the northeast. Or was known, as Gaspwaniya's Mystar, but now that I have completed my true purpose, I shall be a ghost for ammo. Wink. Wink.

Hey, Olli. No, what's up, boostador? Do you think a boo? Do you think I'll ever get to stop being a ghost and just be myself again? You know, no one really knows what happens with ghosts. I think over time, like do you move on? No, no, no, but I'm not really ghost. Oh, that's right.

You're not really dead. I don't know. I mean, it's kind of cool, you know? Are you getting tired of being a ghost? Well, it's just, you know, if people look at you differently, they treat you differently. They feel sorry for you a lot. It's a lot of pity. I'm really alive. I'm just transparent. Yeah, but you did get that ghost horse this week. I did get that ghost horse. I was very excited about it because, you know, I've been shopping around for

a ghost horse, but I was like, I really want one with a flaming skull Yeah, so I'm glad I waited because I got the one I wanted Mm-hmm. I'm going to call it Daisy. Oh, I was thinking you'd call it like ghost ridden Ghost ridden. Yeah Because it's it's a ghost and it's written you're writing it But that makes this how like it's already done. Ghost ridden, it's over. Oh, yeah. Hmm.

Well, here, let's bring in, let's bring in Chun. He's good with names. I am also joined by my other co-host, Papa Chunt. Mmm, face ripped. And a face ripped to you. And a face ripped to you. Please go ahead and keep that. Oh, thank you.

Oh, do I have something on my face? Let me rip off my face and wipe my face with it. Oh, that one must be dirty or if my face off. Ooh, you saw how I was thinking. Have you named your horse yet? I was thinking about Daisy. Oh, oh yeah, perfect. That's, no, that's good.

No, what'd you think? I'd love to hear what you think. No, I also, Ghost Ridden is on the table. Oh, that one's bad. Yeah, I was just thinking Spectre, Elizondo, but mine is dumb as well. I sort of like that. Spectre Elisando.

More than goes for it, right? Much more. So maybe it's Spectre Elisando, but daisy for short. I love it. Done, it's decided. Woo! Well, we used all the names then. That's, that worked out nice little compromise.

Well, finally. Podcast finished, everyone go home speaking a podcast Did I just come up with our new show? Comprehize were three guys and all we do is bring forward a problem and then compromise around it Comprehize coming this fall to fucking Podcasts aren't you what's like a fall? Yeah, yeah, is that a good idea? Yeah, I mean anything everything could be a podcast, I guess. I feel like every time I come up with a podcast idea,

you shoot so many arrows into it. I think it's just the sheer amount of them. Sire amount. We get 10 people who cut hair. Whoever cuts the most hair at the end of eight hours wins a giant house. Sheer amount. Oh, you know what? It's a speaking of hair cutting. Our guest this week is our old buddy Aag, the local hairdresser. How you doing Aag? Oh, I'm hanging in there, you know. Who is nice to see you again? Oh, hanging from the chandelier. Do you want to come down?

Can you, can someone have a underneath? Oh I can, I can have a bribe beneath you and help you down if you need. Doctor, drop! Thank you. Yes, well, in this ghostly form I can lessen the fall. I'm almost like a cloud. Sure, Bob. Oh, I'm just so glad to be here.

I have to tell you, I've had an epiphany. Oh, yeah. Do tell what happened. The river dried up and my pills are gone. Oh, yeah. That's not an epiphany. That sounds like that's a tragic happenstance. Oh, I had one of those then. And you know what? I dried out, you know, because the pills were making me funny.

Oh, sure. Okay. Please tell me that hasn't changed. No, well, I don't what never mind. All right. Yeah, but I've been thinking real clear and I found it I found something on my son our son What you sign on time my son our son bless you. Oh, honey. What is she saying? Oh, thank you Wait, what is your son's name? Yeah, it's our son. Oh, our way. It's our's arson? Oh. Oh, what a way to find out. This happens so much. School meetings. Drop off pickup.

No, my son. Arson? Yeah. Arson must be around three years old by now. Wait, you said, are you an AI, have a son, too? No, no, the child's name is arson. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I can's name is Arson. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't misunderstand that another way. Hmm, maybe later. Ha, but you know, I've got all those tattoos I found one on him. Oh, he has tattoos as well. He has one tattoo. Now, did he go get these tattoos? Did you get the tattoos for them under the tattoos just up here? I've never seen it, and I thought I'd clean them good!

Okay. But I just found it, and you won't believe what it says on the air! So it's words, it's not a picture. No! I've never seen you clean your son before, and all you do is, uh, squeeze a sponge over his head and then say best of luck. Oh yeah, I can't do all of it. I mean, how are you going to learn to do it? Yeah, you're... I'm standing on his own two feet. Very smart. That's right.

Tell us what is the secret to ridden in this tattoo on your son. What does it say? What does it say? It says the fresh prince. Oh, fresh Prince. Is the F in fresh capitalized? Yes! So fresh must be... Have you been washing my son, Austin?

No, no, no, no. I have not been watching our son. Well, that makes me sound like a bad father, which I'm not. My son is right here. No, fresh. Fresh being capitalized must be a region, it must be a region in food, if it's capitalized, right? Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know of a region called fresh, maybe it's some sort of code, maybe it's referring to something but fresh prints. Oh, wait a minute, I mean, I know for a fact that all of us have had fresh bread. So it must be a region. That's right. Hmm, where does fresh bread come from? From the fresh region. We must go, we must find this fresh region that I've never visited before. My guess is it's close by.

Why do you say that? Because the bread is always fresh. Oh, it's so fresh. Oh, yeah. It's so fresh. I thought you were getting fresh with me when you say that? Because the bread is always fresh. Oh, it's so fresh. Oh, yeah. It's so fresh. I thought you were getting fresh with me when you said that. No, you're saying the fresh bread is fresh. Mm-hmm.

Oh, so you guys think we should do something about it? I just was like, wow, what tattoo? No, you're right. Typically, that's what we do too, is we just react, but we don't take action. Because action turns out exhausting. Very, very tired. Yeah.

I mean, we're just coming off of like two storylines, you know, Cal overworld and then the egg thing. Hmm, okay, yeah. Yeah, so anyway, yeah, my son has a tattoo, full stop. What's going on with you guys? Well, I'm a ghost, obviously. I passed away some time ago after completing my true purpose, so you can see right through me, you can put your hand through me if you like. And full stop is what I say when I'm eating fresh bread and I eat too much.

So that's what's going on with me, Arnie. What's this? What are we talking about? What's new with you? What's new with you? Or what's next or whatever catchphrases? My catchphrases. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical end of food. I'm your host, Arnie.

You can't stop. Oh, bread. Oh, you eat it like a pack of backman. No, I was going say pack a derp. Now A-Hag, now that you've heard everything about us, I seem to recall that you had a tattoo as well that said you were secretly a princess. Yes, Army founded.

And your son is a fresh prince. Hmm. Maybe this tattoo, if it appeared magically and you don't know how he got it. Maybe it will change over time, and as he gets older, it will say, stale prince. Or the fresh king. Or fresh king, yes, good point. Or the fresh maker.

What? Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. What? No, no, no. We want to know. We're glad you did. I just say that because I feel like you guys, you know, you don't have to solve it necessarily, you know I don't like to come to people with my problems because a lot of times what I'm cutting have a fur

a horse People that come out of me with problems, so you don't know I'm gonna fix them So, you know if it's if it's something you guys want to talk about we don't have to because you know I got other stuff for sure Are- hey, Art. Sorry, Arnie. Yeah, are we putting her voice through modular? No, that would happen after what we're doing right now. Oh Weird, I just- Yeah, we're here. And ours is this what we're hearing. Let me- sorry, let me rip my ears off I think something's wrong with my ear. John, when you guys do- I think there's something wrong with- I was gonna say your brain, but that's not nice.

Do I look smaller? Am I getting smaller? Well, first of all, you've been ripping parts of yourself off willy-nilly and like, I did that one time. I ripped off my willy-nilly one time and it didn't grow back bigger like you said. But also, I feel like, maybe this is my my imagination and if this is true it's subtle I do think you are

slightly smaller. Oh no. Well I will deal with this later. Sorry you were saying. Oh yeah I thought I was getting taller because the list I must so you've shut. We were eye to eye bull. Because I had a stired one of my eyes and only one eye open. Oh, that's right, that's right. Yeah. Huh. Gosh, are you getting smaller? Oh, are you, um, that one guy who came to town? Ben? Um, Ben's a button?

Ben's- oh! Ben's a button. The guy who sells lamb everywhere? Yeah. Who ages his lamb backwards? Yeah. He'll turn around once you order a button, he'll turn around and be like, let me ages LAM and you're like, why can't I see the process? Any ages his mutton backwards? That's the guy! He's a real jack off.

Speaking, oh, do you know jack off? Oh. Oh, I know jack off. I think he's friends, or acquaintances with Ben's mutton He just sort of like a big kid big for his age. Yeah big for his age. Just big for his age kind of like Arning Yeah kind of like Arnie you said when you came out of your mom you were 5 5 6 what Maybe I just implied that yeah, no, six. What? Maybe I just implied that.

Yeah, no, I don't, yeah, I don't talk about when I came out of my mom. I don't know how it's weird. You said, practically from being a baby you were playing Borschtbore? Yeah, I was playing Swedish sports. Ooh, Borschtbore. And then later I started playing Bully Baseball

because I was so into Alph. Yum. Now I'm hungry. For cats, wish I had some fresh bread. Oh, my son. That's right. And hey, listen. Oh, hey guys, guys, guys, look.

Yeah. Looks like he can't leave the son thing alone. Huh. Ha, ha, ha. She's really, really pressing the screws to us. Listen, really ready to move on. I mean, I don't need help, I'm a single mom. Who moves hair for a living?

It's okay, I'll fix you off figuring that out. You should start cutting the hair. You should find other moons. Well, I remove it and then I move it. You know what, I don't tell you your job. You don't know our job. Yeah. Is this it?

Yeah. Yeah. You're here a lot. Yeah, we're doing our job. Are you, is this your job? I mean, sure. I mean, I also have my black and white smithry where I make armors and weapons in a black and white fashion.

And you should or does whatever bullshit he does. When I was alive, I fought the forces of evil wherever they did rear their ugly heads. And you got paid for that? You know, you get paid in experience a lot of times. An exposure as a wizard trying to like, you know, work your way up the ranks. Oh, wait a minute Yusudor, I don't think we've asked in a few years, have you leveled up?

I haven't leveled up in a long time. Oh, you? Yeah. I was gonna say I didn't notice any new skill sets or slots. Yeah, if I had, if I had some new slots, I'd go crazy. Yeah, I wish you knew some new spells because I gotta tell you all week after week the same spells never any new ones Oh, I know lots of spells magic missile magic hand detect weevils. That's about it magic And it's a good one. That's fun. You can do all sorts of things with a magic hand look

Tell what's what's a spell? What's a spell? What well a spell is something someone does no no, no, no, I know what a spell is. What's a spell you want me to do and I'll do it. Oh, how about our guest? Do you have a spell? This is Sippy. Oh, hard one. Hard one. Give them the origin. Oh, now this is an old one.

It's like the low country one. You know, oh, it's backwards almost. If you, you know, I can do this. Okay. You sitting in a sentence? Oh, you were me too? Please. Oh, that one girl, God, Mrs. Sippy. Oh, that helps helps yeah, thanks You sir whenever you ready, but I'm gonna try to cast it now My as is I as is a Baby I I think I heard three S's in there damn it Yeah, but thank you, but still thank you for the magic.

Thank you for the magic. Oh, yes. Thank you for the magic. Oh. Oh, I do know just because it's magic appreciation month for the next three weeks still. Yeah. Value accepted. Hey, I did want to swish your fears.

We're not going to try and solve your problem per se. We just kind of, you know, due to our job, we kind of just want to talk through it. So it would help if you have any other details about what's going on with your kid or maybe even just starting with where you found the tattoo on his body a crease Yeah, he likes dairy and I found it one of his kind of dairy creases. Okay Well, yeah, so I found it a crease, you know, I was picking them up and then I was like, what's this on them?

And it was, um, a tattoo. So you think it just appeared there by magical means or natural means, or did you do that and you just don't remember doing it? Boy, howdy. If only I but knew. You know, I don't know if it was under the influence of pills. You know, you guys know, last time we talked, I discovered't know if it was under the influence of pills, you know, you guys know

Less than we talked I discovered I used to be a tattoo artist So for all I know what I go on conscious I tattoo Well, it's possible you're leaving yourself a series of clues from your own Subconscious and that you maybe you are some sort of royalty from this fresh region. Oh, I don't know, I mean, I'm just a heck. Who, you know, does hair and horns and stuff. You guys really think that could be it because I'll be honest with you. I didn't want you to solve my problem until just now when you said you could maybe fix it and talk it out.

I'd love to tell you what I think about that. After this break. Mm-hmm. Um. So, A-Hag, if you possibly used to be a tattoo artist, maybe you also secretly have the skill to remove tattoos or to at least make them less visible. Is it possible that you could do some crease lightning? Yeah, maybe while I'm sleeping, I don't know how to do it when I'm awake.

I looked at it and I was like, oh boy. Yeah, maybe. Wow, what if I have a bunch of skills that pop up? You know, when you're, what do you call the sleep rocker? You know, you do shows at night, but you also have other skills? Right. Well, it is interesting to think that if you are some sort of secret royalty, you do have these skill sets. You can do hair styling and you can administer tattoos.

That's very unusual for a royal type to be able to do those sorts of things. So perhaps there's a connection there. The fresh region, fresh ink. I don't know, is that anything? Is fresh ink? Does that sound like anything? Look, we're just blue-skying right now. There are no wrong answers. Great, love it. Oh, there are, because I was gonna say maybe not.

But I didn't realize that was the rule we were applying. No, I'm glad you said it, because I didn't want to. Okay, there are some wrong answers. Yeah, there are some, definitely. Yeah, there are some, definitely. Yeah, thanks a lot, Professor Fishing. Yeah, do you ever wake up and discover you've done fancy things in the middle of the house? Yes.

Oh. I make doilies. Oh. I wish I could stop. How many doilies do you have now? Thousands, thousands. Do you see anyone want me? Chuck, do you want do you have now? Thousands. Thousands. I have, does anyone want me? Chuck, do you want to fill your faces?

Um, I actually use my faces, doleys, so I think I'm good. Alright. What do you use your doleys for? I don't know. Listen to that. I get angry and I throw them around. You know, I've been eating them. Can I have a cut?

Oh, you're eating the doilees, you said? Oh, you got a better plan. Oh, well, I mean, I would sell them potentially if they're beautiful and well-crafted. No, no, no, they're asymmetrical, the tough to look at. Yeah, they look wrong. So that's one in the Khan's category. So maybe you're not a princess

if your doilees aren't that great. Yeah I don't know. Would it be good if I was a princess though? Well potentially you could move into a castle and be gifted lands upon your ascension. You'd have all those coffers? Oh it's not time for that yet is is it? Oh, but those annual physical? Yeah, they keep trying to sweep me into the coffers, you know. Hold my down. You look pale. I'm like, I know what that is.

And they try nail the wood down? Yeah. I hate how aggressive the undertakers in this town are. They're just trying to get anybody into their coffins. They're desperate to do it. I'm sorry, you think they're aggressive? Have you met their brother? Every time they appear, four shoots of fire, up out of nowhere.

Suddenly I'm in a chokehold? Nice. I can play them down in the middle of my own home. It's wild. Of course there's macho mantis, Randy mantis. Oh, of course. Oh yeah. What would happen to him?

We haven't seen him in a long time. Could be dead. Could be dead. He ate a lot of beef. Oh, he What would happen to him? We haven't seen him in a long time. Could be dead. Could be dead. He ate a lot of beef. Always snapping into some beef. We have to focus on A-hag. Yes A-hag. Listen, if you're actually, unless I'm mistaken, if your son is the prince, that would make

you actually a queen. Right? Oh. Is that how it works? I hate to say this. Is your son your brother? Oh, is that how it works? I hate to say this. Is your son your brother? Oh, not again.

Now, now, now, there's no reason to jump to that conclusion. Perhaps the tattoo that you had before changed. Now, it says secretly a queen. Uh, yeah, I gotta get a mirror. Somebody bring me a mirror. A mirror. I have me a mirror. A mirror! I have a bunch of sand. Here, I'll just sit on it for a while.

Is that how birds make mirrors? That's right. Um, A-Hag, thank you. I think I might have cracked some code. Your name, A-H-A-G? Hmm-hmm. Could it stand for an error? Always goofy?

Hmm. Is it still blue sky army? Yes, blue sky army. Then yes, it could be that yeah, yeah, yeah. John, maybe, let's say baby. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't know anything before four years ago.

I mean, it don't know. I don't know anything before four years ago. I mean, it's a mystery Is there any missing royalty in food that people are aware of or is there like a place to find out? But tons tons of missing royalty. There's entire Egliseous clan There's the entire kingdom of Rothta. There's the fresh There's the entire kingdom of Rothta. There's the fresh kingdom. Wait, was that last one? Yeah, yeah, what's the condor one? Mm-hmm, condor.

The fresh kingdom? No, the one before that. Wait, the fresh kingdom? Condom. Condom. Fresh kingdom. FROSH. I'm not saying condom, right?

K-O-N-G-D-O-N. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pass. We're looking for the fresh kingdom.N. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pass. We're looking for the fresh kingdom, not the Frash Kangaum. All right, fine. Oh, there is, Harni, there is a thing called 69 and U,

which is if you're royal, you can go through a test to see if you're blood, matches with the royal family's blood. Oni, have you been around when anyone's taken this test before? Should we tell you more about it? I'm fine. I like, I know, how the 69 you works.

Okay. I know. What are you doing? What? I know. Why are you picking up about things like that? Think about it. Yeah, guys, just think about it.

Just think about it. Oh, wait, there is. Wait, hold on. I just remembered something from when I was the king of the Badger. There is a test you can do to see if anybody is royalty. You sir, can you make me, I don't know, fucking... 30 mattresses? Of course.

No, wait, hold on, hold on. This is gonna be another mug full of things. Choose your words very carefully. Oh. Don't say you said, or can you make me fucking 30 mattresses? Wait, but I wanted to be fucking 30 mattresses. Oh, I'm so sorry That's what you want. No, we'll do your thing use it or can you make 30 mattresses up here? So you don't want to be 30 mattresses because I was about to turn you into 30 mattresses

And that's what I wanted and for me to be fucking okay, well I will just make 30 mattresses. And that's what I wanted, and for me to be fucking. Okay, well, uh, I can- Alright, we'll just make 30 mattresses out of nothing, I guess. We'll settle for 30 mattresses fucking you. See how many different fucking spells I know just about mattresses? Okay, hold on. Make 33 mattresses over in the corner here. Okay. Okay, now, um, give me some privacy, everyone turn around, much like you're ordering a button. Okay, I'm gonna do something here and we're all set. Okay, we're all set.

So go ahead, if you don't mind A-Hag, can we boost her, grab back onto the chandelier? Okay. And just get on top of the very top mattress. What? Like down like you're going to sleep? Oh. Oh, she's kind of squatting. Wow, she really just fell right asleep. Oh

Hey, wake up wake up. Oh What as you're lying in bed? Do you do you feel anything maybe on? On your back or anywhere in your body. Do you feel something? Wait a second Wait a second. Is that nut here? Is that nut a nut a Wait a second. Is there a nut here? Is there a nut? A nut? A nut.

Is there a nut? No, I-I-I-pist under them bottom mattress. I found-wait a found the nut. I'm gonna eat it. No, hmm. There's something else. The hubby. Huh. Huh.

Wait, is that me? Did I do that? Hahaha. That should be something. Did I do that? Did I do that? That is a great phrase. No, no, Chant actually did the urination. That wasn't you. You didn't wet yourself as to why you were asleep.

They say you can see if someone's royalty if you pee under a mattress and they can feel it over several mattresses. Oh, I feel it and I smell it. Oh my... Pungent. My diet's not great right now. Oh, wait. We all smell it or just me.

I mean, I smell it too, yeah. Oh. Well, we all smell it, but you should be able to feel it. But you felt it. You felt it. We didn't do it. Oh, I felt it. I thought it was a nut that ate the nut, but then I still felt it.

Yeah, also, chun still peeing a little bit. it. Oh, I felt it. I thought it was a nut, but I ate the nut, but then I still felt it. Yeah, also, Sean's still peeing a little bit. Ow. Oh, yep, sorry. Why didn't we shake? That seems rude. I'm just worried about you, buddy. I'm fine. Are you smaller?

Fuck. I think you've gotten smaller just since the beginning of this episode. Oh, damn. No, that can't be true. Stop saying that. You all have just gotten bigger. That's what it is.

How wonderful. Aag, I think this, that's what it is. Wonderful. Aag, I think this confirms it. I think you are royalty. Oh boy, I don't know what to do next. I mean, do I call someone? Well, you could start by issuing a decree. Okay, I decree that, oh boy, what's a good one? I'll do some for you one of you guys. Oh, oh, maybe like no take back. Oh, I decree no take backs. Thank you

Oh, that's a law that's going to affect our relationships, but so be it the queen has spoken. Oh Arzor M's oh M's. Oh, M's. Oh, Malady, would you mind decreeing that Arzor now? Oh, sorry, sorry. I just found this out. I decree that, Arzor M's. Wait, no, no, I'm sorry.

First, you just said R. And there's no takebacks, so you can't take that decree back. Damn it. Fuck. Oops. Hosted by my own Picard. Oh, I mean, is this gonna stick, you guys? Is this real? I'm going to creep back. Damn it. Fuck. Oops. Hosted by my own Picard. Oh. I mean, is this gonna stick, you guys?

Is this real? I mean, am I, am I? What are we talking about here? Well, I think we should send out some carrier pigeons to different kingdoms and see if they're missing a princess or a queen and maybe they'll get back to us, you know. How many kingdoms are missing kings and queens and princes and princesses?

Yeah, a lot of them. All of them. Almost all, yeah, I'd say. I think it's too much male. Listen, we have the name of the kingdom. What was your Frashkarndom? The Frashkarndom. Let's start there because that's the dumbest. That'll be the easiest one to rule out. Okay. Well, that's kind of fun. Rule out. It's right out behind the tavern. Oh.

Wow. It's like the... It's famously known as Foon Smalls Kingdom, right? Yes, yes. It's just a little patch of land. Just right behind the tavern. Let's go there, you wanna go there now? I'm already here. Sure.

Okay, I'm here too. Oh. No, I'm not. Well, step over here. It's just one big leap from behind the taboo. Okay, okay now aag. Now this is here. Yeah, this is feel like home. This seems familiar because I was here earlier and maybe even before that. Oh, yeah. I ain't really just kind of like the base of a parapet, you know, it must have fallen down centuries ago. Oh, so it was like a cat and a dog that were in love or something?

Or maybe like a dog and a bird? Yeah, just a parapet that built this castle together. Oh, what were their names? It was Schnuckum's and Dinkleberry. Oh, like the first one. Yeah, well, you know, love is love. This love is love, we get it. So all this is mine.

Well, her eyes turned a little hard there. Did you all see that? Oh, wow. Yes, I think you're the queen of about three foot square here. Yes, I am. I'm moving here. Okay, that sounds great. Sure.

It might get cold. Oh, well then I'll lead the folks here to keep me warm. That'll be their job and to bring me things. Oh shit, guys, we're the folks here. We're the only residents in this kingdom right now. That shit guys, we're the folks here. We're the only residents in this kingdom right now. That's right. You're my surfs. So first things first, I need to get a sun and bring them here. Sorry, are the surfs up? Surfs up. Okay, let me kneel in front of my queen, I guess. Oh, thank you. Your majesty, your grace. Oh.

Do you prefer majesty, Grace? Majesty M. Majesty M. But wait, are M's ours? No, we not ours. Oh, okay. Yeah, figure that out, write that down. Army, I notice you're not kneeling.

Sorry, I took me a minute to get here. Oh, what I miss. Army, kneel. Oh, okay. Well, we think today Hag is the queen of here, Aani. And I think now that we're here under her control, we'll have to do whatever she asks. Make me laugh!

Oh, shit. I'm a Europe! Aani? Okay. Um... How about... What's the thing? I like topical things.

How, hold on. Your opening line is how about what's the deal? That's really, that's my catchphrase. Arnie, that could be a podcast. No, how about what's the deal? A podcast where three guys sit around and they talk about what the deal is with how about stuff? How about what's the deal?

Oh, boo! No, look, hey. Oh, she's having a sedard. You sure you're scaring her? Oh, sorry, sorry. Boo, boo, boo. Buh. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hmm. Keep, keep, keep. Keep doing it. You sure keep doing it. Ooh, rattling chains. So. Yes. Oh, rattling chains. So. Yes.

Oh, she's like a baby? Yes. Hold on. Let me pick her up. Wee. Ah. Wee. Wee.

Wee. Ah, well, we're going to have to obtain this queen for a while. So we should take a quick break and then come right back. You shall. With your permission. Mm. Granted. Your majesty, should we go get your son, the prince?

Yes, and you will put him in his clothes, his nice clothes, and carry him in a little, you know, find a little throne. Some fuck. Your majesty, if I may, this is just a three by three patch of grass. You don't really have any clothes or a castle or I mean, it seems like I'm'm gonna be outsourcing a lot of stuff. Well you know as I said got my problem. Okay let me go get the prince. Oh you know what? I'm no longer in your kingdom. Oh. Well I'm gonna go grab a beer.

You guys want anything? Well I'm here entertaining the Queen so I don't think I can leave. That's right. I'm so thirsty. Yeah, can you bring anything over the border? Remember this tariffs. Aren't you remember this tariffs? Tariffs on beer and ale? Yeah, oh yeah, big time.

Yeah, already I can't afford that. I wish I could. We're gonna have to make our own beer here. Chant, here's what you do. You get a big cart full of beer. Yeah. And then you get a friend who's like really cool and runs interference for you while you sneak that beer across the county lines and don't have to pay the tarot.

Honestly, not worth it. You sort of find caught, not worth it. Because what about the Queen's Guards? That's right. Which are you two? Or what about the Queen's Undertakers? Which are you two? Or the Queen's counselors? Which are you two?

We would have to report you. Yeah, same. And probably execute you. We see all that stuff and the paperwork. So I'm gonna go grab a beer. I'll see you guys in a bit Then there were three now who do you want to invite over here? Oh, who do we want to invite? Yeah, we can send a bird and we can invite people because we are gonna need people skills no offense Yeah Who do we know why skills well what about John? and invite people because we are gonna need people with skills, no offense. Yeah, hmm. Who do we know who our skills?

Well, what about Sean? Do we fucking know anybody that can do anything? Oh yeah, Sean! What can Sean do? D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D Do you mind magic king me a chair sure our our story sorry magic king me a fucking chair. Oh a Trump and all low off Thank you for the magic welcome welcome here. Hey, got a Hey, gonna second. I'm whispering to a bird. Oh, hey, god little bird go to chunt invite him to the kingdom the Fudge kingdom. Hey, I and tell them to come back to us

fly little bird oh he hits some sort of invisible wall and broke his neck damn it did you put that up you said or? well yes I'm trying to protect the kingdom from invaders smart look all I'm saying is someone is our border taunting us are we gonna have to go to war with Chant?

Your Majesty. Yes, I'm listening. As your main adviser and jester, I have to advise you to go to war with Chant. Hmm. Do we have the resources to do such a thing? Ony, as Prime Minister, do we have the resources to do such a thing? I mean, he's close enough to the border that I could punch him over the border, I guess. You're gonna punch me? Well, I bite my thumb at you. Ow! I never understood that. I bit my thumb so bad.

Did I just accidentally do espionage where I got him to hurt himself? Yeah, I think you staged a coup somehow. I'm bored. Oh, um. This is boring. Do I have to live here? Listen to you. You don't have to live here.

I mean, maybe you lived here before and you were so bored that you wiped out your memory, so you only remember what happened the last few years. Yeah, maybe I ran away. I mean, maybe... Why am I tattoos a warning? To myself? Yeah, maybe I ran away. I mean, maybe, what my tattoos are warning to myself? Yeah, what are your other tattoos say? I remember last time you were here,

you mentioned some other tattoos. Maybe they're tattoo clues. Oh yeah, number one, once the back of my head. That's me, that's me watching me leave, fresh kingdom. Oh, that's right. You had me watching me leave fresh kingdom. Oh, that's right. You had an attack too of the back of your head.

Yeah, no regrets. Wait, one of them says no regrets. Oh yeah, I found one says no regrets. Knock, knock. Hey guys, I hate to, and you're majesty, I hate to bust up the party, but I do have a gift here, says from anonymous. Do you want me to put it over the border?

It's a giant piece of wood made out of horse. Oh. Oh, made out of horse. Yum. Do sandalong. Wait, the wood. The wood? It's a piece of wood made out of horse.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you looking at wood gift in the mouth? Hmm. What a wonderful gift, John. Thank you so much. Just feel free to push it over the border. Okay, let me just, yeah, there you go.

This piece of wood doesn't have a mouth. Oh, you put down your invisible walls. Thank you for that. Yes, of course. I have complete control over there. I just forgot with the bird. Wait a second, this piece of wood smells like piss. Did he piss all over me?

So good. So good? So good, Matt. Woo, chum. Yeah, there's a lot of VR on here. Oh, I don't, I am. Right in the thumb. Yeah, I don't, I am. You know what, I take back what I said. You know, when we first met today,

just forget about my son's tattoo and my tattoo and the whole thing. I am not really, you know, I'm not feeling this, you know, feels outside of me a little bit. Well, you know, if it doesn't feel right, you know, we just assumed that you're the queen of this particularly small kingdom. You could be the queen of a different kingdom. Maybe we should keep looking around for the right kingdom. The one that fits you. Yeah, you guys do that.

Yeah, right, yeah. Let's get that, let's backburn her that. Let's blue sky that for sure. I speaking to the blue sky thing, I just wanted to clarify, when Sean said something, it was blue sky all the time, but when I said something was wrong, so it's not just that some answers are wrong,

it's that you said or us answers are wrong. Say it night, you get it. Good night. Yeah, you guys wanna go back inside? Oh, sorry, before you all leave the kingdom, I just wanna let you know, because you declared war on me, I recruit the rest of the tavern there at war with you all. So if you do leave your little patch of kingdom here,

then we will consider that an assault on our kingdom. But what if she abdicates? Oh, yeah. I don't know what that means. I wish she would quit being the queen of this particular kingdom and just walk away. Just say that. I bequeath my throne to Yusodor. What?

No, oh. You're the king now, dog. Yeah. May I cross the border, Chan? Yusador, Yusador, we can't let her leave. She's going to be walking away with our state secrets. We'll then write this way. Oh, thank you.

We'll take this box of documents with me. You can't take those. You're not supposed to take those. I think I can. I decree that I can. No, you can't do that. You already is abdicated. Sorry, you can't make those you're not supposed to take those I think I can't I decree that I can no you can't do that You're already is abdicated. Sorry. You already abdicated you can't make decrease. I didn't abdicate. I was forced out You weren't these are my people over here on this side anyway Onnie just go kill chunt and I hagg.

Yeah, come kill us. Come kill us, Arnie. Okay. Here comes Sleepy, Oni. Oh, I'll kill you. Why is the border so far away? Well, I gotta step at least three times to... 3. He's counting his steps. Already I turned around, which means you have to freeze.

And now I kick in the nuts. Dole! Oh. Sorry, buddy. More? No more. Okay. I heard more.

Oh, god. No, I think he's just lamenting the whole concept of war Rementing that's when you put something in between two sheets of plastic. That's right Like these documents everyone everyone stop. Why is it possible? That we have all learned profound lesson about the futility of war here today. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Okay. Look, is anyone gonna call me your majesty just one time? No, we're all outside of the kingdom. Alright, fuck off. I had to kick two to this blade of grass.

What? No, you sure don't go. Oh shit. Now that blade of grass is king. Or queen. Progressive. Hey, thanks for fixing my problem. Did we?

Yeah. Yeah, you did. Oh, we did. No problem. Yeah, I went on a wild emotional journey when I said earlier You know, hey, I don't need you to fix my problem. I really did you know you got to read between the lines sometimes Yes, we're very bad at that. Yeah Well, I guess we can never

Walk in this patch of grass here again while I'm just gonna go ahead and rope this off so no one makes that mistake Because we have no jurisdiction here. Wow, what a tragedy. You think that was a tragedy? I thought that was a comedy. It seemed like a tragedy to me when... Yeah, wait on it, Yusudor. Wait on it.

In 10 seconds time, it will be a comedy. Trust me. Five, four, three, two, one. The real tragedy was no one would listen to my ideas. Ugh. Oh, boy. Arnie, were you really gonna kill me? I'll say no.

Wait, what do you mean you'll say no? I'll say no. No, buddy. Am I really getting smaller? Yes. Yeah, and that's why I wouldn't have killed you because I don't think you're gonna last very much longer, but Where's that voice coming from? Was that chance voice?

No, I'm down here. Down here. Fuck. I am getting smaller. I'm knee high to an elephant's eye or pack a derm. Sorry a pack a derm aforementioned. I mean wizard's a cool ghosts a cool kings a cool. I was a ghost wizard king and nobody gave a shit You know when you say it like that, that sounds really cool and yet that that is not how it resonated in the moment. Maaah. Wait a minute. Hey, hey, hey everyone. You know that bladed grass that's ruling this kingdom

over here? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It seems to have a lot of soldiers on the inside. And also, there seems to be a lot of their people on our side There's grass everywhere around here. I think we're killing them right now by standing on them. Oh It's happening. It's happening. It's happening.

I mean, I'm floating, I'm a ghost. Let's see, we're in the stages of grief is the M. Night Shyamalan reference. Between bargaining and acceptance, I think. Usero the Blue was played by Matt Young, and I'll be the first to say he did his best. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfiah. A. Hag the Hairdresser, possibly lost royalty, was played by special guest Christopher Lloyd from his taxi era. Wait no, actually it was Colleen Doyle, my mistake. Check out Colleen's very funny improv podcast, Those Who Ant.

Colleen encourages everyone to vote in the midterms, on or before November 8th. Listen to Colleen, people. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production. A glorious cathedral made up of thousands of tiny little featureless bricks in the Magic Tavern Patreon, and some of those bricks even have names. Like? Alex L. Funkrat Cads wasn't at the cartoon cat from the Paula Abdul video.

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chock full of questions from Patreon subscribers. I have a question here from Cameron Stewart. Says, has Arnie and a chunt ever officially hooked up asking for a friend? I'll let Arnie answer that. Hmm. Hey, uh, no, not officially. Oh. Yeah, you're right.

No, no, we're, look, we're just buddies, but buddies can guess just a little bit. It's all right. Buddy's gonna give us. Anyone challenges you on that? Refer them to this podcast and yes, they're going to have to join the Patreon to hear it. Oh, what are you going to do? If you've never kissed a friend, are they even your buddy? Mm-hmm.

Kiss your buddies. To hear the rest of your inane questions and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne Indicamp, Matt Young and Evel Refy. Post-production coordination by Garret Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. You can see Chris, alongside several puppet co-stars, October 15th at 3pm in Pocket Guide to Hells, back with you again, celebrating 75 years of the pioneering Chicago Children's Television program, K Klough, Fran, and Oli. For information on how to watch this live tribute performance online,

or for tickets to live viewing parties at the Chicago History Museum, the Newbury Library or the Museum of Broadcast Communications, check the show notes. Is an editor allowed to have a blurb this long? Oh, right, after that Patreon bonus episode, we all love the editors now. I'll allow it. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Outlet Laban. I have to do this part much faster now,

thanks to Rathjyn's ego tribute, Magic Tavern theme, I am D-Pol. Alright everyone, stay in here and keep the door shut and don't let the grass in. Don't let the grass in, you realize how insane you sound? Oh what's that knocking? Come in. Oh I did it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Hey Agu, why are you screaming? Nothing's happening to you. I just... I don't want to be alone.