Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 48 - Arnor Fights Arnie

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Arnor the Warrior returns to finally fight Arnie to the death.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiArnor: Blaine SwenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People never, the following podcast is not real. Like that Freakonomics one. Say what you want, no one wants to hear a bunch of Georgetown runaways explain ATM fees for half an hour. Now this production on the other hand, oh not again with the dizziness. And I'm back. I am losing patience with this. It's like something is psychically attacking my consciousness, and not like how listening to this podcast attacks my attention span. Was Craig Wright has all this time on my own left me vulnerable? Or has my mind been weakened trying to make sense of who's having sex with which family relation on Dragon House, Driftmark Shore Edition, I'll have to investigate.

But you just sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arne E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fume. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload this podcast, recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar,

in the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the unnameable mountain in the magical land of fume. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Manager. I'm making visits. What, is this a new catchphrase? Oh, sorry, someone. Chant, are you?

I was just fucked up, Chant, did I get confused again? No, why does everyone keep asking that? Do I look different, listen? No, no, you look great. Somebody put down a blanket at the table, and as an animal, I can't help myself, but make biscuits on the blanket. You know what, biscuits?

You know how cats are animals who always like need a blanket. Not, not need a blanket. I need a, I knew you were gonna do that. Biscuits, so you're not saying biscuits and on a dork away. Biscuits, wait, how do you say it? Biscuits, biscuits.

You know what I'm saying? Yes, I the same thing. Yes, I'm making biscuits. Yeah, I'm making biscuits. No, I'm making biscuits. I think Shunt is making biscuits. Anyway, Arnie, you should or I chipped in and we got you a little something. You know how? I don't fucking forever go. I mentioned that I opened up a black and white smithery, making a lot of armor and weaponry and black and white coloration. Well, you said or and I were talking and we're a little worried about you because you seem to keep slipping on soup and hurting your back pretty bad.

So I actually made you so much soup on the floor around here. Well, but soup does have to come out somehow. Oh, shit, that's why it's on the floor. I didn't put that together. But I made you a shield, a black and white shield, and used it or enchanted it, so I present to you tatatite! You're very own Arnie shield. Now this shield is very specific and that it's magically enhanced to protect you from any Arnees, meaning yourself. Oh, okay, great, thank you. John, this is very thoughtful.

I do have, I only have one question, and I don't want this to do an any way to track from this wonderful gift. What's the noise that you make when you present something? I'm just trying to get that straight. Like, what? Ta-ta-ta-tee! Is that, I've never heard that before.

Somehow growing up, my family couldn't afford any brass instruments, so I don't know what trumpet sound like. Tata-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t Yeah, you're what? Well, you should think they're for and I because it is by the goal appreciation one. Go away. Oh, it's this man. Oh, and it's magical. Yes. Thank you. This week Did I say did I forget to say it was mentioning hands to put it for Arnie's? No, you you absolutely told him that I helped and chant the shield and then he just ignored that I was part of it all together Yeah, in my defense that whole time I was only thinking about Tata Tata, okay? And I think- Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata Tata T ghost. This, mutually exclusive, seems odd. He's dead, but he's a ghost. I was used to door, wasn't of the twelfth realm of a fizziest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakis, the elves Rumiya's fying yelak. The dwarves Numiya's zoning in hook stangies, and I was once known throughout the north

east, as gasmanius may star, but now I live on as but a spirit now that I've completed my true purpose to defeat the Dark Lord. But not really, I'm alive at the time. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you're just pretending to be a ghost, and that's all right. Boo. Still scary. How's your ghost horse doing? Oh, Daisy's fine, but we did have one little problem this week.

You know how they say you can't take a horse to water. You can't take a horse to water? I've never heard that one. You know how they say you can't get a horse to drink water? No, I've never heard that. I feel like we're like infamiliar territory. Also, the horse is no longer named Spectralizando? Oh no, Spectralizando is its official name for sure,

but I just still refer to it as Daisy. Look, here's my point. John, we should just tell him what the real expression is because we're not gonna like somehow drag him to the information, you know? You can't just like push a horse around Ottawa. Right, exactly. And here's why, especially when your ghost horse has a flaming head. As soon as they take a drink of water,

it douses their flaming skull. And then you just look like an asshole because you have this horse with a skull that isn't on fire. You look like a real idiot. It's just from like smoldering a little bit. Yeah, I mean, it was looking at me, yes, it was sort of a smoldering kind of come at me sort of look. And now in my mind, I'm just shunting, picturing a smoldering horse and I am excited. That's a tattoo indeed.

So I was wondering, I've always wondered about ghost flames. So you can put ghost flames out with water. Yeah, but that blue. Okay, no further questions. Okay. Oh, is that fucked up, Chuck? That's my name, I think. Is that the shield? You think. Arnie Lee Camp! That sound, that voice is very familiar. Look, under those disheveled robes there, a fake your approaches. Arnie, unsheveled robes, unsheveled robes. Ah, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I just like pull them apart.

I have to sort of like touch some of those robes. Soothe them out, smooth them out, smooth them out. No, uns sort of like touch someone So smooth them out smooth them out Okay, well, okay, yeah, all right fair. They gave me fruition in fact they actually told okay, I will unshevel the All right, I reach my hands Okay, we can debate whether unshevel means anything later. I am going to Side and seat Okay, we can debate whether Unchhevel means anything later. I'm going to move the room aside and see Hello, I'm Amy Camp. Oh, hello are nor the warrior. It's been a while How now you see through Unchhevel dies

You're great foe my foe. Oh come on man. I know we've had our problems in the past, but I feel like we've gotta work things out, right? You're a big old scary warrior, but you know, we've gotten along the last couple times, right? I hope you're enjoying a drink right now on the Neckamp because you're about to die. Oh, yeah. Let me go get you a drink, Arnie, I'll be right back. Yeah, yeah, I gotta enjoy a drink.

Wait, wait. What do you want, buddy? Something I'll enjoy. So nothing with pissing at this time, please. No. Fine. We've gotten along the last couple of times we've met, but it's been like a drowning man getting along with the ocean while he's treading water.

And I'm the ocean. And you're the drowning man, Arnie. And it's time for me to swallow you into my depths. Okay. Sexy. That's what sexy as hell. Arnie, here's a double red potion. Also, you know what they say.

You can drown a man to water, but you can't make him die. Okay. Is that something? Hey, baby, expressions are real weird in this world. It's true. You can't make him die. He dies all on his own. Once you murder him,

Arnold was going on like, why are you so mad at me again? Do you really have to ask me these questions? You can look in my eyes and ask me why I'm mad. Look, that just makes it worse, aren't you, Kim? First of all, it's an interview format, so it's kind of like implied by the whole premise of the show, but also, yeah. Don't be a fool, Arnie. This man is here, laughing his fucking ass off at you.

Hee, every day he's shivering, and now... And now... Shivering, dude, dude, Do do do do do do what? Now you think he's finally not going to take his revenge? After all this time, he's been threatening you since you first met him! Guess Muinius! Huh? Yes?

Is it really you? Oh, it's but a shade of my former self. Now that the Dark Lord is no more boo! I heard the songs in the taverns I didn't believe them to be true I'd hoped beyond hope that you weren't really dead oh well oh the well I am that's a real it is a pity guess mean is it is you were noble in life and I'm sure to you are valiant in death Oh, I would give you over my body and let you inhabit it like I did the lady Maribel

But oh, oh yeah, I'm afraid it would end the same way. Oh, oh, so Maribel is no longer with you I'm not I'm not here. Please come join us have a seat Will you just want to catch up on how you're doing? longer with you? I'm not. I'm not here. Please come join us. Have a seat. We just want to catch up on how you're doing. Do you want to drink from the bar? Do you want one of these red potions? Yeah, yeah, I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll. I'll never. I'll never. I'll never. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I. And I'll tell you a tale that'll make you weep. You'll weep so much you'll create your own ocean of tears and then I'll pull you down into it and drown you in it. But you'll die on your own. Okay.

And Arnie, I just, I hate to, I don't want to be overbearing, but tears are basically, you know, if you're gonna cry, tears are basically like nature's soup. So just be careful when you're walking around after the cry. If he does make you weep, yeah, just don't slip. Or put that, make sure you put that shield on your back just to protect your vertebrae.

Can I ask, what is more slippery? Tears are butt soup. Ugh, I say butt soup. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's like slippery and sticky. So it's like a real bad comment. It's greasy. Yeah, but soup is one of the most slippery substances in all of food.

It's just well known. Everybody knows this. It's true. It's super slippery. You're trying to hold the buttsu? Yeah, some right potions. Repotions, repotions. Sorry, what were we talking about? Buttsu.

Oh, buttsu is one of the slipperyiest things in all of food. Everyone knows that. Yeah, yeah. I let the lady Maribel inhabit my body. Yeah. Years ago. So you had the encouragement of chun't? He sent me away. So what? What were you here?

You get a look at you, you got a question on your face on it. Yeah, he's about to question on your face all that time. He's dying to say. So you don't have anything on your face on here. He's about to question on your face all that time. He's dying to say anything on your face. He's dying to say, can I just ask, Arnie, go ahead. May I query? Ugh. Last time we saw, and now you were in love with one of the tortured souls inside the Soulwalker,

who was one of your best buds, and she's a ghost. And so yeah, you went off. Last time we met, you were like, we were like, go to her. If you're in love with this ghost, go to her. Good recap. Yeah, that was great. Thanks for refreshing my memory about my life on, Amy.

Yeah, although, oh, I'm so sorry. So everything I just said, but put a question mark at the end. And the answer is yes. Hmm, reckoning I'm so sorry. So everything I just said, but put a question mark at the end. And the answer is yes. Hmm, reclining. I'm not going to have to answer. I'm going to have to answer the question. Okay, okay, do a trunt next.

Let's get a quick trunt recap. Yeah, recap me. So I don't, I, like, I can't do it. Well, Arnie, let's take a break. Why don't you pull yourself together. And we'll be right back with more Arnor and Arnie. Ta-ta-ta-ta-t. Ta-ta-ta-ta-tee! Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tee!

So, Arnor? Can I assume that things between you and Mirabelle... worked out great? Arnie, more pregnant pauses! I took your advice, and I went back to the spirit lady, Mirabelle worked out great. Arnie, more pregnant pauses. I took your advice, and I went back to the spirit lady, Mirabelle. I beckoned her from the soul walker, and I offered her my body.

Oh, God. And she took my body, and she inhabited me. Yeah. And all was bliss, for a time. Oh, and I'm so sorry to have to ask this question, but I have to. How does she inhabit you? Like, is it a thing where like,

if I were to see it happen? If I were to see it happen, like would it, would she like fly up your nostrils? Or like, what does it look like? Ony, I'm afraid you could never understand. That's fair. Because you would have to know a heart that was capable of love. Damn! It's a hammer.

Hmm. Wow. waterfall. Wow. And the waterfall had its end and its beginning in my soul. Can I just say one time I was on vacation and I was like oh there's a waterfall that's gonna look so cool as stand under. I stood under it, it knocked me on my fucking ass. It was Lady Maribel, and all was bliss and harmony and wonder and delight. Wow. I wish we had analytics on how many of our listeners are swooning right now. Ah, but they will swoon no more. When they know that this mixture of joy was tainted with the poison of my shame.

Tainto. The Lady Maribel could not live for long in my soul so poisoned as it was with shame. Oh, but Arnor, you have not to be shamed of. You have completed the greatest feats in all of Foon. You are Foon's greatest warrior. I am F food's. You what you said or what? What yes?

Don't shame shame. I'm not, well I'm not shaming shame. I just say the same thing. Don't shame shame. It's a lot of cool stuff. Shame. Oh also, Orner, another fun thing about you. And this is I guess earth stuff.

Orner always says that your name sounds like in Australian saying, oh no. Ernie, is that what you say? Erna? Erna? Erna? Erna? Erna?

Erna, Louie? I don't think I understand any of what's being said right now. No, that's okay. Yes, no, I know. Just to wash over you like an erotic waterfall. Chunch right, I remember Ahni specifically saying, that's not a knife. This is a knife, Ahno.

Mm-hmm. But he was holding a beer, which was really weird. Very confusing. Yeah. I was like Ahnoor, Yahoo, serious? OK, so let me try Chunch. He's a shape shifter who used to have sex. Yeah.

To change shape, but now... Can you speed up that part? Can you speed up that part? I hate to hear, shut, he's a shape shifter who used to have sex. Yes, beat, beat. Got it. Really close that gap, no more beat. Yeah, well that's not, got to make this recap a little snappier.

So, chun's a shape shifter who used to have sex to change his form, but now he can change it to anything and his arm fell off one time, a long time ago, then he had a stick, then he was king of the badges, and then a bunch of other shit after that. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B a six-month-extigin to earn your name. Oh, I've given you too much mercy and it has haunted me. To-toilet-our-darn my name, my name is Arnie, this is my name. I mean, he's definitely giving you too much mercy. Arnie, you can't go around flaunting a name like Arnie and Foon without paying the price. Oh, you're being audited.

Ooh, sorry buddy, I gotta set this one out. It isn't growing up with the name Arnie price enough to have paid my whole life. Arnie, kneecamp, there's one more price to pay. And that is your death. In death, you will be buried as Arnold Neacamp. Oh no. Now, do you have any say on what it says on my tombstone? I mean, I guess legally it would say Arnold Neacamp, but can I put in a special request that it doesn't say that?

And no longer will anyone in Fung question my greatness. Too long these last seven years have I run into me and during wanderers who have said they have heard of a warrior named Arne. I hate meandering wanderers. If I run into a wanderer, I want them to really have some purpose in mind. Be a purposeful wanderer.

That's all it takes. I do have to stick up for the wandering meanderers. Oh, okay. They're delightful, caravan. If you're running to stick up for the wandering meanders. Oh, okay. They're delightful. Caravan, if you're running to them, they could not be. Nicer. Now look on, O'er. You are going to make me very angry, and even though I am butter ghost, boo. Ah, you should know that you will have to go through me if you want to hurt Oni.

Oh. I think my biscuits are ready. Don't do it. And so now, Arnie, Neekam, it is you and I, in a battle to the dead. And... Should you win? Ha! Ha! You will have earned your name, and all the glory and the claim that comes with it. But when you lose, I will at last be at peace, and there will be finally an end to my shame. Take your sword, Arnie Neekamp.

I don't know. Draw and fight me. I'm sure there's a sword around here somewhere. I don't know that I have. Arnie, put down your pen. Don't draw a sword you fucked. Now is not the time. Also, I should say I failed to mention this, and I hope this holds up from the past few episodes, but during magical appreciation month, magic users aren't able to use magic for violence. So I can't shape shift and use the door, can't use spells to help you in this fight.

Whoa. I'm sorry, buddy. Who wants a biscuit? Just because of the rules of this month. Anybody want a biscuit? Here, Arnie. If you don't have your own sword, you can use mine. And I... I will fight you with my own bare hands. Shit. This sword is very heavy.

Oh my God. How do you do this? You're killing this with like one hand. I can barely lift it with both of my hands. What you thought it'd be as light as a cloud, wink, and... Raise it if you can. I'm staring up just in the eyes. Look for I.

I don't want you to kill me, obviously, but I don't think it's much better for me to kill you. I don't want to kill anybody, and I don't want to kill you. Isn't there some kind of... can't we talk this out? You've talked this out for the last seven years on IneCamp. There's no more talking. I'm bringing death to you like you bring water to a horse. Because you cannot bring a horse. You cannot bring a horse to water. That comes to your expression. I'm bringing death to you like you bring water to a horse.

And now, Arnie, face the end. Chantel, you can't do anything to help me? I don't think so unless something happened in a previous episode in the last four weeks that suggest otherwise. Yosunor! Yosunor, stop making bissets! I-I-I-I-I-Biss gets what? Yosunor, our Nord seems real serious this time

in a way that, you know, like, oh, it's being honest, he didn't seem like he was really gonna kill me. And these other times that we met him, at this time, I don't know. I'm a little scared. Why don't you? It scares me most of all. You guys just gave me red potion. For years you've been like, no, no, no, no, no, red potion for you. And then as soon as our Nord comes in, you're saying he's gonna kill me you guys are like oh yeah we

should let Arnie have a red potion so that means I'm in real fucking trouble right oh yeah any last words on me cam oh uh Arnie filibust filibust um okay my final look all these years I've tried my best everyone who Philly busts me gets busted like a fill and now you are the fill on me prepare to be Oh my roads are shavled! The two shavings are round! Why legs? Your shield! Your shield! Don't, okay! I ricocheted off of your shield!

Yeah? Ah, honey! You've run me through with my answer. Oh, shit. That was fucking wild to watch. I would. It was so funny, I should be laughing, but someone has hurt. Yeah. Curse these shovel robes.

Oh, damn you, honey, me camp. Why didn't you unshevel the robes around my legs? This is not real bad. Why don't we do this? Let's take a quick break, and we'll see if we can get like a healer or something. Don't you worry, Arnor, it's gonna be all right. We'll make sure you're so big and strong.

You can weather this. You'll be fine. Let's take a quick break. I will take a quick break. Arnie, you said a healer? Here, boy, one of those dogs has to be a healer. Oh, that's right. We have 500 dogs. So many dogs.

Arnie, oh, I think goddesses, the usadores kind of rough with magic, that shield must also protect you from arnors, not just arneys. Oh, yeah, that's very lucky, but John, what, I don't know, it's looking kind of bad. For arnor over there. Oh, yeah, that's making me a little, the blood is making me a little lightheaded.

Don't slip on it. No. No, no, no. No. I'm too weak to rise. Oh, this is the end. No, don't say that, man. You're gonna be okay.

You, Sodor, can you, like, bivity-bop him or something? Can you bivity-bop him? That's offensive during magical appreciation month. Yes, he can, he can boo him. Boo. Ugh. Now, Anno, he can boo him. Boo. Ah. Now, Ahno, I have to know, is there anyone you'd like us to contact so they may be here

in your final moments? Don't tell anyone. This is the most shameful moment of my life. Oh, no. I've been slain by an idiot. I'll be lucky if the Great Warriors beyond this life embrace me beyond the gates of Impala. Oh, Karnak, if you don't mind me asking a few questions

about your belief system as you slowly die. Also, can I just say, you said you were slain by an idiot, you ran yourself through, so don't talk about yourself that way. Yeah. No one could defeat the great Arnold better than the great Arnold. Yes, you were holding the Hilt on me when I fell on the blade. I was holding the Hilt. I was holding the shield and the Hilt, so technically, I guess, yeah.

But it's true. But you did all the moving, like guess, yeah. But it's true. But you did all the moving. Like, I barely moved. Perhaps the idiot was myself. Perhaps it was. That was killed by my own hubris. But from the mouths of fools, sometimes comes wisdom. That's why I stay here next to these two.

Listen to what Arnie did say. He said. Oh, it was a chunt. Listen to what Arnie did say. He said, Oh, was a chunt. Well, what of them said? Who could kill Arnor, except for Arnor? What we need here is spin the story of Arnor's final battle against the only person who could defeat him or not. Gasmoons. Hahahaha. Bless you. Bless you for fighting to save my reputation. But we both know it's a veil. It hides a puddle of soup.

Ah, soup. For when one does pass from this mortal coil, the bowels do release and the soup doth hit the floor. Here, but know this from me now, good friend. I shall share a secret with you as you pass into this other world. Please. I too am a failure.

I am no ghost. And a dark horde, he is not dead. He is trapped here in our basement. And I have failed, failed even greater than the... Arnie, Arnie, what? Did you know that most people when they die evacuate the soup from their butt? Yes, hard to keep it in, probably. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I think you you you should know that by now, but like I think also it's been a while since you've been on

Would you mind signing a new release scroll? I've released enough in this episode on That's a Ministroding and now I release my spirit From this glorious body it has inhabited these many years. And now I am the dying man, drowning in his own tears. Now I am the one who has met this final slaughter, for I am the horse who was brought to drink of water. Did anyone write that down?

That was amazing. Oh, that was good. Are you sure you write that down? That was so good, and it rhymed. And I did not, in any way, like, I mean, that's 100% sincerely. I had no way clocked in advance that he was going for water. Like, that was good.

Oh, here's what I'll say. That was so good. I don't remember what he said. So maybe instead of that on his tombstone, pepperoni, maybe. I mean, we could just get away with like, here lies iron or he was really tough, something, something, something, something, something,

something, let a horse to water. You fools. You fools. You have allowed one of the most noble creatures though he did Stray in his later days. Yeah, he did create so many wonderful things for the people of food Can you not mourn for but a moment? I'm sorry. We allowed where was your healing rock, dude? That's why we called you in oh and you're just sort of like oh I could help,

but instead I'm gonna cry about all my own personal failures. Well, I did everything I could. I touched him with the healing rock, and I cast the healing spell, and I cast your wounds, and I, when did you do those things? Daring the break. Oh yeah. I really like to kind of go to my own place during the break, and really just kind of conserve my energy for when we get back to the show.

Then I cast Detect Magic and I saw that the specific way the shield and the sword interacted meant that you, Anni, had killed Anor and that there was no way to resurrect him or save him and now you, Arnie, are the greatest warrior in food. Wow, everyone is a tavern, he's gawking at you, Arnie. They look like they're in all of you. Wait, it's so weird to see people admiring you. They're just so weird. Hey, everybody, look, some bad stuff happened here, and there's no reason for people to gawk. Yes, maybe I'm a new great warrior.

Whoa, super. Whoa. Oh, honey, air's dead up here. Let me help you. Come on, get up, get up, get up. Just hold on. He's just like, he's victory dance, everyone. Nice, he's victory dance.

Look. Everyone admires you, yes. But we are trying to keep a low profile here, and being the greatest warrior in food means some people are going to be targeting you. Oh shit, there's a bard convention in the tavern tonight. Those barns are going to be here. Yes, there's many great tales,

written up your glory. Singing about this in every direction. Yes, I lied to Anor then. I didn't want to tell them about the pod conventions because I know that they're all already writing their songs and scribbling down into their pockets and every lyric that occurs to them about the great defeat of Anor.

Oh, maybe I can get one of them to write an official version of sexy dog. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, fuck, oh shit. I tried to close Arnor's eyes with my two fingers. You know how sometimes they do that to shut their eyelids and his eyelids ripped off onto my fingers. Now his eyes are like wide open as possible.

It's terrible. It's terrible. Oh my god. I have two of these silent eye coins we don't really use anymore. I'll just put those on top. Now his eyes look even wider. Oh my gosh.

This is really a dark day. He was obviously a very strong, powerful, amazing dude. Is anyone going to take his kind of lion skin, cape thingy? Ooh. Dips. It looks a little big for you, is all I would say. Excuse me.

Rips off face. It also throws at you. Damn. Chunk first, stop ripping your face off. You are getting smaller and smaller. You are all ready to do small for this. Pretty cool. Didn't even consider looting the body.

Ah, honey, you're gonna keep that sword right now that you're the greatest warrior and foo and you're probably gonna need it to defend yourself. I mean, I guess, so it's real heavy. Hey, let's see what's in these pouches there. All right, let's get in here. Papers, papers, papers. Thought a paper.

Will? What did he have a quill for? I could barely read. There are testicles. Oh, I guess that makes sense. Oh, here's a green potion, a little green potion. Oh, I can't. Is there any kind of will or anything? Oh, it's a smash potion.

Here. Oh, when you smash that potion, a will appeared. Ah, perfect. Oh, and it looks like one of those types of wills that contains the voice of the person who wrote it. How did you know that just from a side? I can just tell that from a side. I've seen them. I've seen them a couple of times. Oh shh! The will start.

This is the final will and test of Arnaud the warrior, the great hero and mighty destroyer. If by some happenstance I am killed here now know what here has been Will. Fuck, did you want to write that down? I give my sword in my death and here now with my final breath my sword shall lie with me under the ground and no more shall it cause a killing sound. The rest do with what you willt let me keep only my blade and hilt. And so now I go to with the zeal, saying to all, keep it real. That was the fucking best will I've ever heard. That was a good will.

I'm gonna be singing that will for days. You know how sometimes a will gets stuck in your head? Is it kind of like an ear will? That is gonna be, I'm gonna be whistling that will for the rest of my days. Do you remember a year ago, on when you taught us about auto tuning? I think we should auto tune that will.

Maybe after the credits. All right. Well, I think, well, it seems like you can't keep that sword because he can't take it with him. He's on or he gets to do what he wants. Yeah, I mean, he wrote a really long will with a lot of flowery language. They're really pretty much just said, I'm keeping this sword. They make the most of it. Yeah, Arnie. I mean, no, it's great.

It's his dead it's great. It's as if his brother is will. You're giving notes on a dead man's will? A man you killed. Yeah. You guys were the one that was looting the body immediately of a friend. Yes, a friend who repeatedly threatened, kill me. But still, like when I die someday,

are you gonna just dig into my pockets? No, we've already talked about this stuff we're gonna take. We already divvied it up. And Arnie and our defense, after he died, the prompt popped up. Do you want to pick up loot? And all we did was simply say yes. But look guys, you're gonna trade most of this loot in for other stuff, right? You're just gonna collect. I'm gonna sock it some of it. Okay, if you must know.

Well, I should start digging a grave. I just used to do- just don't dig as grave behind the tavern, we're still at war with the grass back there. Okay. Right, yeah, don't dig it up. Oh, and I'm gonna- before he goes, let me grab this lion skin cape. Oh, aren't you? Look, he goes, let me grab this, lion skin cape. Oh, aren't you, look, I look like a Cuctic-Ware director. Places, places. Ah, well, I'll, uh, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll bury him at the top of the hill, uh, just, uh, just around the bend, and, uh, that way, every morn, the new sun-rye shall hit the peak of the crest of that hill, and he shall be lit in the pure

light of the morning, commemorating what a great hero he was, bringing light and hope to all he did freeing. Hey Arnie, after Arnor's will, I feel like you said his language is just not impressive. Yeah. Like he was reaching, he was like the top of the hill round the bend the light shell glistening. It's just a love. It's just a love. I heard all that. I heard every word you just said. I can do rhyming fancy talk too here like um uh once upon a time I knew a man. Oh buddy, come on. I'm just going to get this one.

I'm just going to get this one. Come on. Can. It's all right, fine. I have to go and take this great. Never mind. I don't care about talking fancy. I never did.

Ooh. Oh. Man, his ego is bruised. Yeah. Well, Arnie, congratulations. Everyone is a gap in a gas. And in all of you. so I guess legend will spread that you're the man now duck. No, it's kind of bittersweet. That was all bitter. It's a taste like chocolate. Arnor I'm sorry you're dead. And worst of all I'm sorry if you felt like there was no release from the shame that you carried. And I know you tried to kill me.

And I know that we were mostly always at odds and probably only really caught up with each other once a year or so. But in that way, aren't we like family? I'm gonna miss you, buddy. I'm sorry I had any kind of part in you dying. That was beautiful, aren't you? Yeah. And if anybody ever asks, I'll say, are nor the warrior the biggest toughest son of a bitch I ever did meet?

Kind of sucks I said that was beautiful and you said, yeah. But anyway, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Chuck. No, no, that's like if you said, ooh, I like your new cape and I said yeah, I Guess I just was like yeah, yeah It was feeling it though. It was pretty good. I was feeling you're up, and I'm sorry. Yeah, just adjusting Plan yeah, but that was two minutes ago. You can't rhyme after two minutes. That's not a pregnant pause.

That's a fourth trimester pod. Fine, I care not. I think that, it doesn't matter to me. I think so what chunned if you are some trickster and honor you some nave. Here I am off to dig on or his grave. I saw that coming a mile away. Alright, everybody grab an arm or a leg.

I think let's carry this guy out. Jesus. Oh! He is solid muscle. I think we're gonna... I don't think he needs a male. Wait, are we killing off characters now? Is this like the Cedric Diggery phase where we need a body count to show we're not screwing around?

And, uh, if someone were interested, is there like a sign-up sheet or something? I didn't know saying check please was an option. Use it or the blue was played by Mat Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolf Refy. Arnor the warrior was played by special guest Blaine Swen. Blaine is the founder of the Improvise Shakespeare Company, which performs monthly at Largo. Yes, Largo in Los Angeles.

And if you're not ready to go to Los Angeles because you wanna have an agent first, I don't know, know test the waters maybe refine my voice with a one-person show Well, you can always check out improvise Shakespeare dot com and see if they're touring near you anytime soon When Blaine comes to your town will he have trimmed the lengthy Loxie currently house making him look like the prince at the end of Beauty and the Beast time will tell looking at the prince at the end of Beauty and the Beast? Time will tell. Speaking of live shows and living with our choices, tickets are on sale now for the Hello for the Magic Tavern live winter

Solstice show at Chicago's Tallya Hall on Saturday, December 17th. Get ticket info in the show notes. Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Gentle forest folk like Ross F. Adrian Wilkinson, Daniel H. From Ohio, in all caps including five exclamation points, which leads me to think, yep you sound like someone from Ohio. We have Stefan C. Kelsey Thornton, Zane, Zachary David Martin Langsley Norman, we get it every gelical cat has like four names including their secret name, great job

McCavity, Terry Brown, Michael Hellman and he says no relation, I assume you mean no relation to Michael's brand home style basement mayonnaise, now with more unidentifiable chunks, pity, and let's not forget Angela Spooner, Joni, Johnhab 33, and Ashley D. Patrons get ad-free versions of all episodes, including the full-back catalog and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young at Adel Ruffiah Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman Hello from the Magic Tevern logo by Allard LeBann Magic Tevern theme by Andy Poland you