Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 49 - Tree Visits

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Caball'on Valentin, the talking tree, visits the tavern to bestow some special gifts.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiCaball'on Valentin: John SabineMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now I know what you're thinking. Framing device, I can only hear your voice, but I can tell you're sporting some kind of a fun new fall accessory. Partially right, listener. This glowing ring over my cranial section is a homemade neural monitor, so I can try and learn why I keep fading in and out of sweet quantum leap reboot it's happening again. You've waking up in the night. Ugh, I'm back. You know, the real injustice is that I'm not just left unconscious for the entire episode.

Throw me on a fainting couch, set a timer for 45 minutes, I would thank you later. Isn't that right, Craig? Craig? Oh, wait, he's not here. How long have I been here on my own anyway? So many questions. But I plan to answer them over time, which is what sets this world apart from the one you're about to experience. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Darni Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the unnamable mountain, in the magical land of Foon, and I am joined, as always, by my co-host, jump the doggy badger.

Mmm, face rip. Oh, my chunt. Sorry, I had egg on that one. Oh, there's so little egg on this one, let me get that off. Chantu, so often have egg on your face that it's hardly seems like it's worth tearing off. Ah, am I very concerned about how small you'll get eaten? Trying to so often have a gun on your face that it's hardly seems like it's worth tearing off I Would very concerned about how small you'll get him. You don't really pisses me off is how long it takes to wipe your face You have to reach down to your lap and grab a napkin. You have to bring them napkin up in an upward motion

Oh, you're folding it in your hand to almost bring it to a point and then you have to either Dab or wipe it across your mouth. It's exhausting. It's so much easier. Look at look how either dab or wipe it across your mouth, it's exhausting, it's so much easier. Look how many seconds this takes. Rip. Yep, you convinced me. No one could do that, Matt. Yeah. Sean, what about yesterday when you had egg on your face and then you ripped your lap

off and used that to wipe off your face? I think that's why you did that. I was experimenting. Sure. Come, Arnie, you've never tried to rip off your own lap. We've been over this. We don't need to talk about it anymore. Is it me or as you can see, I brought Aggie Baby

with me speaking of Aggie on my face. Mm, I brought Aggie Baby with me. Is Aggie Baby getting bigger? No, you're getting smaller. Huh. And we're sure about that. I mean, unless a used- story is Eggie Baby getting bigger? Try and how much do you want Eggie Baby to be getting bigger?

It's hard to say because it's relative, so I always see them together, so I'm comparing them. Maybe Eggie Baby's gotten a little bit bigger. This theory again? Yes, my relativity theory? Yes, listen, listen closely to me. Madder can either be created or destroyed,

and that means that Eggie Baby is relatively the same size, but you are the, I'd say you're about the size of a gopher now. Really? Yeah. Arnie, is it, is it weird? Is it, does it look bad? What your size? Yeah.

No, I mean you're adorable at any size. I'm just worried that eventually you're gonna disappear entirely. Also, there's just fucking chun faces all over the place now. We're just like, it's hard to walk through the tavern without tripping over one. Yeah. They get stuck on the butt soup on the floor. It's like, it's not good. It's the new banana peel.

And can I just say the other day I saw, you know how there's all those bards here? I saw a bard bifit so hard. Slipped on my face like a banana peel, fell down, broke their nose, it was fucking hilarious. And speaking of Arnie, I heard a bard outside that wrote a new song about you. What? Oh, doing here it?

She was a flattering? It was flattering and pretty short. Oh, okay, sure. It was buff and brazen and big and tall Arnie. Arnie kills them all. It was a cheerbird. Cheerbird, okay. Wow. You know the Bards that just kind of sing during half time at the Mittens games. Ah, sure. They're not lesser Bards. They're just different. No, I know you were talking about, you're talking about the mean Bards. Some of them, yes. Some of them are very're just different. No, I know you're talking about you're talking about the mean Bards

Some of them. Yes, some of them are very mean and they also I mean there are different factions. They are against each other. There's Barded on I can't think of any other words, but those are the big ones step up in BOD. Yes. Thank you Yes, step up Bards the streets, which is the second one, but there's no two in it, but yes. Exactly. But you get it, but I, I, I, I think a lot of ever since you killed Arnor, even though it's by accident, so many bar, there's so many songs flying around town about you. Look, here's the thing, look, we all know I'm a big tough guy, obviously. Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh you Arny. I just said you said something absolutely ridiculous.

Yeah, based off that I do have to thank you for your magic because it is magical appreciation month and you just conjured up the most incredible story about yourself. Thank you. Look, all these Bards are going on singing about how I'm the greatest hero in all of Phoon them or the greatest warrior. Oh, we're back. I would win the Toshua. I would win the Toshua. I would win the Toshua, but I'm just gonna rip off my face. Look, I was gonna be self deprecating and humble and granted. Yes, I did start that by saying a big tough guy,

but here, no, fuck you guys. Just to show you, I am gonna be the greatest warrior in all of them. So there. Oh, really? Yeah, I am also joined by my other co-host. Oh, he just slipped on one of my faces. D'avvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv the wizard. I was used at all. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great, Halls of Turokus, known to the elves as Fyingalak, known to the dwarves as Zurnirhuk Stenges, and I was known in the

northeast as Gaspwinius Mastar, but low I have passed on into another realm. Now that I've completed my tro true purpose by defeating the Dark Lord, and now I exist, but as a specter, and I'm a hero. Oni, it's not that I don't want you to become a great warrior. I mean, for many, many years, I've been trying to recruit you to become, you know, the most important person in my quest

because clearly you came into this world To help me defeat evil. How do you say that word W-R-L-D? world world and Arnie, how do you say a SP? Oh, okay, why spooky? Okay, carry on. I just believe that you are here and you are part of our intertwined destinies and Chants here too. I'm a go for size banjo. That's right. This is the ongoing adventures of Use or the wizard are neither great as here on all phone With special appearances by chant what the fuck?

What's this that we have these important huge destinies? You know honies from another world and I was I was born into the world from a conspiracy of birds and rain and wind fire to destroy evil and all its forms and you, you know, you're fun! Look, this world needed two heroes and so it called to it a wizard and then also was like, oh shit, we need another hero, so we're gonna bring Arnie here and he'll be our greatest warrior. And also, Chun can help. But Chun is the one who's really, I egged you on all these years, not egg on your face,

but egged you on in order to get you stronger, Arnie, and you've ignored every jive, every jab he's thrown at you. And now you're finally stepping up, and I think that's wonderful. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but I'm more than just a coach and I'm more than just comedy relief. I mean, I have stuff.

I get quests, I get things going on. Yeah, no, I know. What are your recent quests? I mean, not too long ago, there was that fresh kingdom grass that I remember I stepped outside the kingdom. That was that fresh kingdom grass that I remember I stepped outside the kingdom. That's true.

I was in the kingdom I stepped out. Oh, you, but you stepped out, yeah. Yeah. Um, and the rest and more. Just like Gilligan's Island. I'm always looking for love and the rest. What's that? You're always looking for love.

I'm looking for love, which is maybe the most important quest, but, Chuck, do you believe in life after love? But Chant Wait, wait, wait Speaking of destiny, did we always have this tree in the middle of the tavern? Oh, is this some sort of sacred sacred tree that's that's here here to tell me my destiny? Oh great tree! Speak unto me! Tell me my quest, tell me my purpose!

John, it is me your closest friend. Your best friend, Arnie, are you throwing your voice to this tree? I can't do that voice. I wouldn't try. No, it is not Arnie, he is not your best friend. It is me Cabo Roan Valentin. Oh, Arnie, this means you need your the market for a new best friend Wait, what? Well you and Cabo Roan are best friends now. I thought maybe I the market for a new best friend. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Wait, what? Well, you and Caberona best friends now, I thought maybe I could be Ony's best friend.

Fuck, everything's falling apart, John, get it together, face-whip, face-whip. Caberona, it's so wonderful to see you. Oh, I've been looking for you guys for so long. It's been years. Like, yeah, a lot of years. Oh, it's so good to see you. Oh, I come bearing gifts for my best friends. Oh, you didn't have to

I got a nectarine for you. Chant have you lost weight? I think so and height and with oh I love losing high people when your friends lose lose high congratulate them When your friends lose lose height congratulate them celebrate the winds well for humans Especially losing height means that they've grown aged and and with age comes wisdom That is true. Why do they why do you when you get older you get smaller? That is not how it is for trees. No, no, it is not It's just a one of those funny things about life trees are very different than humans. That's what I always say You always say that and I have a gift for you Oh

A baby bird you have to raise it now It's seems like it's a homework than a gift. I don't know. It's the perfect gift for you. So do I How come I got a nectarine? I'm gonna I'm going to put this bird into my hat for right now I'll I'll raise it later. Okay, let's see what Arnie gets and then I'll decide if I should be pissed or not. That's just gonna be some shit from inside a tree, right? I mean, crunk. There is a pattern for me.

Arnie, yes. When I was going on my journey to search for you, there were birds coming from the other direction singing all the songs. direction singing all the songs. All the songs? Cheer songs, drill songs, any body songs? So many body songs, it was like,

save the last bards. There were so many songs. And everyone was telling tale of the greatest warrior. And it was you. And I said, no, it's not. But then they said, shut up tree. And I said, there's a nicer way to speak to me. And it was you. So I give you one of my golden branches. What? Holy shit, this is amazing. Fuck, that's amazing. Arnie Trade? Straight up trade?

You cannot trade the Golden Branch. If you do, there's a curse. Arnie, that would be bad. Also luckily, I hate mectorines. Arnie, do you realize the importance of the Golden Branch and what a wonderful gift this is. And how rare it is for a tree to give a human their Golden Branch. No, if I'm being honest, I'm probably taking it for granted. Yes, but the Golden Branch allows you passage through any forest in all of Foon. Motherfuck, that's my thing! With all the animals I turned in, uh...

Ugh! So, like, I'm just a loud passage through forest. Yes, the most dangerous forest in all the food. Everyone must just make way for you now. So no one can attack me in a forest? Is that right? That's right. This is like my whole thing is forest.

Arnie, I have a perfect little reach into my Rucksack here. I have a perfectly good hidden valley branch. And this is good for if you want to like, shape some onto a salad. Oh, no. You already lost me, you already lost me salad. Maybe tomorrow. Okay, it seems like you should remember my interest.

Let's take a quick break. I'm gonna try and convince you that you should already give me his bird and we'll be right back with more. I'm not that bad. You just don't want that nectarine. It sounds like you just do not want that nectarine. Not in front of Kaveroon, variant genes.

We'll be right back with more. As you tavern. I'll give you the bird. Oh. Oh, fuck you too. You said or. You said or. Yeah. Yes. I have my quest. I have my purpose final My purpose is to get that golden branch. I will have that golden branch

Oh, but but you're still a member of the party so technically we all have the golden branch. So in a way you already have it Fuck yeah, I guess I'll keep looking well what if you're what if your true purpose was to be Arnie's conscience this whole time hmm I'm listening so think about think of it this way you can kind of think of it as like Arnie's sort of this like foolish boy who isn't quite real yet and I'm sort of like a blue fairy and then you you can be the conscience to that lost boy. Ooh, I like the sound of that. So almost like his shadow.

Exactly. So when he says something stupid, try to put him back on the right path. Good luck. Well, I could do that, or I could turn into a huge fucking sheep dog with a little hat. We can figure it out. Okay, a caparone. Jess, how have you been? What have you seen in the... I mean, it has been years and years. What have you seen on the road besides the

bars? Oh, so many things have changed. I feel like we've all aged lifetime since the time we've seen each other. Do you know my lad has three moons now? Oh. Where did you get a third moon? We don't know. If you have any theories, let us know. It's been very crazy for the waves.

Oh. Oh, hey guys, sorry, I'm back late from the break. I just went to the bar for a second. They don't have any string cheese, I asked. So I got no string cheese. Hold me down to make me smile smile to make me frown. Shit, make quick, what the fuck are you talking about? You're an ass, you've turned into an ass.

A donkey if you will. Now, I have to wonder, Ahni, a caberone was just telling us that they have a third moon in their land now, and I can't help but wonder if that's one of those moons from that cowboy world we were briefly in That that guy who was not like me at all hated. Oh, uh... The... Do you think we brought a moon back with us from the cowboy world? Did Arnie finally just say, duh?

It's happened everyone. It's finally happened. Uh... You're supposed to get him on the right path. It's conscious to hell, it's finally happened. You're supposed to get him on the right path. It's conscious to hell, it's hell. Arnie, it's me, you're conscious. How do you say conscious? Conscious. Conscious.

That sounds wrong. You unconscious. Unconscious, conscious. Consciousness, conscious. Conscious, conscious, consciousness. Arnie, it's me, your thoughts. Say more than just duh. If you don't remember say I don't remember not everyone has to know everything Do I?

Okay, well, let's just start it's a start for both of you. We're on the path. Yes Which is what is new with you my best friends? Well as you can see I'm I'm partly transparent now Well, I'm partly transparent now, so I'm gonna say. I was going to ask but I didn't want to be rude. Well, I'm a ghost. Oh, congratulations. Thank you, thank you very much. Since I killed the dark lord, I, oh, yes, we're very exciting and I know I, I've left, uh, completing my true purpose

and I shot up into the sky like a pillar of pure light and then just this ghost is left behind. I should have sent a guard or something. That has to feel nice to fulfill your true purpose. Oh, it does, it feels very good. But now I've got this bird to raise, so I'm very excited about that. If you know when you retire, you know,

people say you put her around, and you're, it's sort of like my retirement, I'm just gonna get into raising birds and maybe do some puzzles. I will see how it goes. I do love puzzles World all I don't know how to play but people keep telling me about it Huh, I don't know what that is. It was a long walk to find you guys So I yeah, I want want the Russians and rivers and nights and days and fires and ice. Hires and ice? Yeah, ice is.

A word deal is a very difficult game here in Fouroon. You have to take dried pieces of dill and make words out of it. It takes forever. There's also a wardle which is a riddle you have to solve. And if you don't, you get words. Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. But not where you think. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Your butthole. It's your butthole. And what's new with me is I, fuck, I just, I found my child, the eggy baby, and I just realized that I am defined by my child. That's something to be proud of. Eggy baby? Yes. The pictures? Well, he's right here. child. That's something to be proud of. Egi, do you want to be a picture? Well, he's right here.

No, I'd like to see pictures please. Okay, let me get drawn. Arnie, want you to tell a caberone about you? Oh, you know, I'm just kind of the greatest warrior in all of food now. That's a really recent thing. Like literally last week I accidentally killed Arnor. Oh, you knew how, how, how? Well, he came to finally kill me, like he's in his defense.

He'd been saying it for years and years that he was finally gonna come and kill me. Threatening to do it forever. Try to talk him out of it. And then he bounced off of my magical shield onto his own sword, which he had given me to fight because he was so unantimidated by me. And then he just died.

It was really kind of traumatizing to watch if I'm being totally honest and I'm probably not overwritten entirely, but all heroes have things to overcome. That's true. Yeah. You need to go on a new path as being forged for you already right now.

Yeah, I guess so. It's like this is an important time for you. It's like a golden branch in the road and I... Yeah, it is. Yeah, I need to... Fuck. You know, Ustadur only told you one of the things that the golden branch does. Oh, that's true. What else?

Well, you never get lost in the forest either. You always know your way out. Hmm. That's cool. That's one of the things. What else is there, Caparone? Oh, that's the thing. For each person, it reacts differently. Oh.

Sometimes you can conjure lightning. Lightning! Well, now that's not what I get. I'll be careful. Never shout lightning in front of a tree. Oh, it's not what I get. I'll be careful. Never shout lightning in front of a tree. Oh, it's okay. It is a busy tavern. What the fuck are you doing?

I was just testing it out. I know. Could you kill this all? How lightening affects the tree community? It is a big problem. It's like heart disease for trees. It's heart disease for trees. The number one killer of trees. Caparote, clearly, based on number one killer of trees. It's number one. Based on what you just saw.

Clearly, I should have the golden branch. It is my destiny to wield it. Well, this is also one of the rules of the trunk. It cannot be something that is taken. It has to be earned Yeah, like I earned it many ways Okay, so the branch must choose you. Oh, okay, so think think think think think so Arnie all Arnie had to do was kill the greatest warrior in Fun and he got it and currently he's the greatest warrior in food interesting interesting I just forgot something in the bathroom. I'll be right back. Go get it. Go get it. All right, cha cha cha. Damn it. He's out. I hate forgetting things in bathrooms. You know, I'm a little bit worried. Onnie, I mentioned this last week.

Mm-hmm. And I just think Chant came to the same conclusion that I'm concerned that perhaps warriors are going to come and challenge you now. You may not be entirely prepared to face the challenges of the mighty warriors of food. Huh, why would that... I mean, look, I'm a big tough guy. I mean, I'm like the... if I'm the greatest warrior in food, they're gonna want to steer clear of me. But look, I got a big old branch. But we all know that was an accident. Cabo, like he just told you the story, right? And

it sounds like an accident, right? It's either an accident or fate, and who are we to decide? Okay, well, you can't always rely on fate. You also have to have skill put in 10,000 hours, is that the, is that sort of the rule that they say? 10,000 hours? I know it sucks. But that's why I like to trap myself in a time prism, a little jewel and spend 10,000 hours in there getting really good at something like, you know, making oatmeal. And then I come out of the prism and I'm just like, I'm great at making oatmeal and no time has passed outside of the prism. Well, also of this whole 10,000 hours thing, I feel like at first you're like, that sounds

right. And then you think about it for 10,000 hours and you're like, I don't know, I'm kind of less into that idea, being true that I was before. Right, right. For sure, sure, sure. Also, oatmeal's like a two to three times. You got it down. You don't need 10,000 hours for oatmeal.

What are you doing? Oh no, it took me 10,000 hours. Oh, is it worth it? Oh yeah, the first couple of hours, I just like oats everywhere in the kitchen inside of the prison. Oh, too many people move over the kitchen. Just oats everywhere?

Any oats in the hall? Yeah, holla notes for sure. Oh, that's the worst. Oh, I know. It was all right because I had a monster in there and she helped me, you know, she was a man-eater. She would help, you know, she needed out. Was there an oaks Sarah?

That's right. No, she's gone. Oh, she's gone man-eater. She would help, you know, she needed out. Was there an Xera? That's right. No, she's gone. Oh, she's gone. I miss her smile. No, I will actually, I think, I think, I think, I'm just saying you should be careful. Yeah. Okay. Rich girl. Am I too late? No. You're fucking tired.

No, I'm too late. I'll be back. I'm gonna go back. Sean, you've been ripping your face off too much. You're just like you've lost your edge. Arnie, I forgot that I keep a secret stash of snacks and drinks in the bathroom here. Would you like this exotic drink? It's from the town of Gleesh. It's called Poisson. Try a sip, it's delicious. I don't know, there seems to be like smoke coming out of it. That's how you know it's good. Mmm, smoke. Oh, a smoke drink.

Have some Poisson. Yeah, no, I'm not a big smoke drink. I don't know, smoke and drink. I hear, you know, I used to only smoke when I drank, but now I, no, I try to keep them separate. I don't smoke at all. Let me show you how good it is. Put some of my thumb over the top, wins it back.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, my thumb, my thumb. Mmm. Oh, why didn't you ask for me, Annie? You're dumb fell off. Yeah. I'll just grow that back Thank you John. That's very nice. I think I'm gonna pass. I'm you know what I should probably be a little more thoughtful about what I eat and drink now That I'm the greatest hero in all so you do in a salad today Tomorrow

What would be the Arnie salad you get for ingredients not including dressing? Okay based on a shirt, Sammon. Mm-hmm. Also, be careful here. You are talking to a plant. That's true, but trees are rarely in salads. We can't really know if it's true. Rare, very rare.

Sammon, croutons. Like, that's always going to be number one. Number one, croutons? Not a single vegetable yet. Oh, how about a nectarine? Oh, that's fun. Like you're from Scottsdale. Who's the boy?

Hold on, Scott and Dale formed their own town. Yes, yes. I was rooting for those two. They finally made it work. That's fantastic. Oh, OK, so we have Crutons, Samin. I guess Capuron and Yusur, you two have ingredients to add. More croutons?

That's true, but this is the Arnie salad. This is the Arnie salad. Oh, it's got the Chant salad. Okay, so I'll retract Samin because it seems like it's Arnie salad to make. Arnie, go ahead. Crutons. Two orders of croutons.

Samin, two croutons. Crutons, Samin, croutons. It's like a sandwich. It is yeah That's yeah, this is an assalamet salmon sandwich, but extra crunchy bread. Okay One more ingredient. Oh wait, no, I thought the crutons it was crutons twice. Yeah, you got four Buddy, I have four ingredients. What is this? I'm not getting a master chef. This cannot be taking this much time. Look, I'm not Gordon Ramsay here. All right, fine.

Sean, what's your salad? He wants four ingredients. He gets three. That's it. Here's what I want. It's not necessarily a salad, but it is a sandwich. You, sir, can you provide me with two pieces of bread, please? Magic rice. Arach, try it on. Cah-ha-ta.

Of course. Thank you. Oh, I'm so sorry. Why do we hold on? with two pieces of bread please magic try on kathath of course thank you oh i'm so sorry what do we hold on i know i forgot it's magic appreciation month thank you thank you welcome thank you for your service okay let me put one piece of bread on the right side of Arnie's head when piece of bread on the left side of Arnie's head Arnie what are you? what are you?

what? you can't have a kiss on the bread. You're an idiot sandwich. Huh? Fuck. I can't hear you because of the bread. Pass, I pass on my salad, pass. What's in your service salad?

Well, I'm gonna be the first one to not start with bread. What? Snob. How do you make a salad with no bread? Yeah. A ruggola. A ruggola? Tomatoes.

He's just saying all the words in alphabetical order. Goats, cheese, and some delicious vinaigret. Ooh, he slipped into his chef's cadence. You know he's serious. Then I shall take a fifth ingredient. Yes, I shall be so greedy. And I shall sprinkle, oh, the top of that roasted pine nuts. That's it.

Pretty good salad. Interesting how you, your fifth ingredient, was the baby of a tree. Oh. It's okay, no one likes pines. Fair enough. Yeah, our pine trees, like tell us about the tree community like who you are the assholes who are the cool people God conifer's the worst just the name. They think they run the world

And it's like sure you're tall. I get it, but no there. They're they're like rich trees I get it, but no, they're like rich trees. Well, they're not like you where they go through the cycle every year of coming to dying and collect a life that I have a green, and that's annoying. That's like green, always on. Yeah. Aren't a lot of them like truss soil trees? Yes, binds, especially.

Yeah, yeah. They're definitely truss soiled for trees. And you know, they, their parents aren. Yeah, yeah. They're definitely trustworthy trees. And, you know, they, their parents aren't proud of them. It's a lot of like, you wanna go to my dad's lake forest and it's like, well, sometimes they even just say, my lake forest and it's like, what's your dad? And then they're like, well, it's mine one day. It's just gross.

It's so great. And you know what they do when they get older? They laser remove their rings. What? Yes, yes. We can tell, if you're a trick-and-tell, a trick-and-tell, but they'll lay in back, oh, I'm only, I'm only, you know, 434, years old, and you're like, I have no,

we look at what the high school together. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. I'm a converse in pines. And I hate to speak ill, but I've been on such a long journey and I'm about to die, so I'm just kinda late at all. Wait, what? What?

Oh, yeah, you've been on a long journey? Yes, looking for my best friends, you, and I found you. So, great day for me. Gonna write about it later. And then the winter will come, the sun shall go away. And that will begin my process of dying. Oh no, come along. You experience so much death and not just like the bullshit used to doorkyne. No. Much like used to doorkn my purpose has been fulfilled this year.

What was your purpose this year? You see my best friend. And to make these memories. And honestly, I think it was to give you the golden branch for it, did not grow until I saw you. Oh. Capron, I drew this picture of my kid. Do you mind if I, Oh, a picture. Tag it onto your trunk.

Of course you can, this beautiful picture of aeggy baby. We just asked to open it in there. Sorry. It's okay. Just as a little keepsake, a little momentum. I love it. I will have it for me until I wake up or the wind takes it. Yeah.

I mean, how long has that got to stay there now? Oh, wind, it's not seasonal. And that's also, I gotta say, tax in this world. You should see the tax in my world They're great the tax here in this world don't really work that well the tack technology isn't where it could be Oh, it's tackless. It really it yes, it really really is I love the eggy baby so cute Get things on big you must be proud. I'm I am unbelievably proud, but I also have my own things going on. That's true.

I'm sorry to back up to this, but I am just so tired of hearing about Arnie and how he doesn't like our tax. And he's always going on about how he thinks that everything should be a flat tax. And I'm like, it doesn't really make sense to do it that way, but if he thinks it's a better system, I suppose that's fine. Arnie, have you since you've arrived in Fune, I don't know if you've released your tax. Have we seen Arnie's tax? Well, they're my private tax.

Well, I think that's very private. I feel like since you're an Earth Lake here in a magical world, you should be releasing your tax. Now, especially that you've risen to the rank ofest Warrior in food, people have a right to know. No, I feel like especially because I'm so important now. People will want to use my tax against me. Like I'll show them my tax and I'll like poke me in the butt with them. Everyone's always trying to poke someone in the butt with their tax. You have to keep your tax in a new bracket now. You're the greatest warrior. You got to raise it to a different tax brackets to keep it all organized. Or I should protect my tax.

I should keep them on an island. K-Man? Yeah, build a little shelter over it. Now, I think we should take a quick break while we continue this very important discussion about sticking pins and things. I think if you put your tax on an island, you're a total aruba. Am I too late? I think if you put your tax on an island you're a total aroooob Am I too late? John, you're really, you're off your game

Capuron, um, I guess I forgot, you, you die every year? Yes, every year I die But I get to come back to life in the springtime. It must be nice. What happens during winter? Winter, it's hard to describe. There's sort of these little white things that fall from the sky.

Sort of, what's this? What's this? Arnie, you used to do it or help me? What's this? There's white things in the air. Come on, what's this? Money, you're doing a lot of Money, you're doing the money symbol. Rubbing your fingers together.

That's white things everywhere. Snow. Snow, snow, thank you so much. There's snow, there's a lot of snow. Oh, it comes from the air? Yeah, I guess you would know what snow is. Sort of if you go to the top of a mountain, you know how there's white stuff everywhere?

Oh, I've always wondered, but I didn't want to embarrass the mountain to ask. Well, during the winter, that's everywhere. Oh, no. Yes, and everything gets very cold. It's a time when some animals hibernate, they sleep through that time, and they perhaps they've built up some food

so they can survive through the winter. So they die too, animals will die. Anyway, there's some shutdown. I don't know if this is true. I heard a rumor that bears put a pine cone in their asshole to clog up their system. I saw it in there, I heard this. That's real, that's real. And what do you think pine trees think they're so special

Because they're in with the bears Do you do you have any hopes? Fear is when you die every year Are you confident that you'll always be back? No every every year you never know if you will come back You can only hope that you will and it's very. And you look back on your year and you think, oh, that I make the most of that. You know, yeah. That I work too hard.

We told you about winter. What is dying like? Oh, it's not fun. I will try. I will, it hurts. Yeah. Things fall off. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He's right. That's what happens. Because I'm also dead you would know Obviously, yeah, yeah, you're your leaves fall out Even animals will say no nests. It's I'm not gonna make a nest in you, which is like her foot Because you you could still I still work but nothing they know so you become

Ostrost Like an ostrich. Yeah. No one wants you around. And you put your head in the same hand. Oster-sized. Yeah, you just, yes. Yeah. You know how we don't want ostriches around ever?

No. That's how it's like when you die on your trees. If you can't fly, get the fuck out of here. If you're a your trees if you can't fly get the fuck out of here You're a bird the new can fly you're you're basically a man. You might be a yeah, okay Though yours is better. No Notice how you sort of doesn't have his leaves all his leaves sell out so clear he's dead Did it hurt you so though when you died? How are you here? Well, I'm a ghost, clearly.

Oh, yeah, boo. Ah! Ah! Ugh! Uh, so, yes, it did hurt. It did hurt, but then there was also a sense of relief. Uh, being freed into another state of being. Yes, did you think that you, a higher place or a worse place? Yes, did you think that you a higher place or a worse place? A higher place because I had done such a good job of

killing the Dark Lord once and for all Finally the Wizards believe in heaven. Yes, we have we do believe in heaven because technically we aren't human We are angelic creatures who take a human form. So we kind of come from heaven and then we kind of stuck here in this mortal form until we're released again. So yeah, totally into heaven, into heaven, dig heaven, came from heaven, we'll go back to heaven, heaven's fine.

I'll show you around when we're there. Can they wait? Well, heaven can't wait. That's the thing. But I'm making them wait by staying here as a ghost, so I'm a, I'm bucking the trend. Hmm. Oh. Little bucket trend, so there.

Yes, I'll show you all around Heaven. I mean, there's a lot of dogs there, clearly. Oh. Because you know, not every human goes to Heaven, but all dogs go to Heaven. Get all dogs. Speaking of dogs, I'm sure you know, not every human goes to heaven, but all dogs go to heaven. Get all dogs. Speaking of dogs, I'm sure you noticed a cabalone on your way in, outside we have 500 dogs

that also come from another world. I notice there's a lot of pee on the bottom of your trunk. Just, just, you know, it's a living. You can say that when you're dying, it's a fun joke. When you're, it kills in the winter, in the forest. But just, there's so many, how many dogs were there? 500 dogs are outside waiting for us. So, you know, if you, if you see the dogs, they're perfectly fine.

They just happen to be earth dogs, it turns out. Oh, how did they get here? We don't know. We just thought there's 500 of them. And we're very confident in that number. And then, oh, you know what guys? They were probably brought here by magic. So we should say, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for magic. And with all this gratitude, I have to say something. Up, Kaerone, I have to first apologize to you. I, the minute you gave me that nectarine, I immediately tried to trade it or throw it

or give it to Arnie and I feel so bad. I, I looked at Gif tree in the mouth. And that's, where is your mouth actually? Nobody knows and I'm not telling. Fair enough. But I feel like I was very rude to you when you were very kind to me. So I will cherish this nectarine for as long as I live or for as long as it lives. Oh well, Chant.

Chant, you should be very grateful for that gift. Caberone is entrusting his next life to you, for in the core of that nectarine is the seed that will grow the next cabarone. Yes, every winter we have to find someone who is worthy enough to take carry on the lineage of the tree. And you are a single father now? Yeah, I guess I am and and I raised a pretty good egg, and you commented on how good of an egg I raised,

and how cute an egg I raised. So I guess this is a pretty big fucking deal. Is I responsible for Capurone Valentine coming back to life? So this is a pretty sweet gift. Thank you, Capurone. Can I give you a hug? No, no, please. I can always hug a tree.

Can't get my arms all the way around. Do you mind if he's my dear? You should fuck you. Do you mind if I carved my initials in you? Is that weird? Oh, not at all. No, he'd go ahead. Because the tax seemed to hurt you. That was a tack. Yes, well, the tax are really bad there.

So, it's a bad thing. To be fair, Chun chance initials are just see see Yeah, so let me just take out a claw and the D D D D D Ah, there you go. Sorry. Sorry and Arnie Secondly, I owe you an apology. I Stormed off to the bathroom and while I was in there, I took out one of my smash potions and I crudely wrote the word poison on it. I don't know if you caught on, but cleverly I said

it was Poisson and really it was Poisson. I thought I hit that pretty good. I'm sure this is a big reveal for everyone involved. So get that at all. So Poisson was really poison, but it wasn't poison at all Arnie. It was one of the lesser smash potions I think all it does is just cause a slight burning in your hand I purposely made my thumb fall off for dramatic purposes, but Just know if you would have drank it. It just would have given you indigestion

So I'm sorry. I tried to trick you into drinking something that would have given you a slightly rumbly tumbling. No, that's okay, John Dey. I didn't realize that that was what was going on. I guess I vaguely thought you were trying to set up a run of 80s metal and metal adjacent band But rats hold on rat quiet right anyway No, that was warranted. Have you guys met my friend this deaf leopard It can't hear anything you're saying Except for the breed lips Cameroon I realize I should really know this before we're done with the episode Except for it in the breed lips. No idea. That is the thing with branches. For the second it hits a different type of sore, though ground, new roots take place and is influenced by just like the vibe of the place.

Mm-hmm. The lack of sunlight, the lack of warmth or love. And so it's not if you lose it, it's if it's stolen from you, it becomes a curse. If you lose it, it will find its way back to you. Oh, that's nice. You can leave it anywhere. Everyone close their eyes.

Picture that branch with the two little prongs. Picture that branch running. It almost like it's too little away. That's the mighty one. I can't wait till I lose it. Oh my goodness. You see, Olli, the thing about branches and trees and branches, no tour I like. So, cabaron cannot tell you what will happen with the branch for...

The branches to hold the unique, just like a snowflake, no tour I like. And that's why snowflakes and trees can't exist at the same time. No tour I like, I know, there's... There's snow? Look at it! Yeah, no, if you look at it, if you look very closely at the smallest fraction of it, you'll see that each one is a unique sh- There's no way, it all looks the same.

They're probably like, I don't know, that might be overstating it. There's probably like 10,000 of them, and then they start to repeat. Oh, just like the hours. Just like the hours. You know, we are talking about lesser smash potions and I love smash potions.

I love like a potion you throw down at your feet and then like a proud of smoke appears and then you disappear in the smoke. One of the lesser smash potions is that one that you throw at your feet and make sure a feet really hot so you might as well be walking on the sun. Oh yeah, I know.

I think, and I think those are, I think that's one of the only ones, right? Is that one the other one? The rest of them are all bangers. The rest of them you just kind of see it state fairs I guess? Yeah. Oh I'm a believer. Oh but that's, is that really a smash potion? I feel like that's, it's in a smash potion, but I feel like that's somebody else's potion.

No, I get the rest of the Smash Poshins are all stars. Okay. Cabarote, could I just say? Thank you. Because you, I've brought the magic of friendship. Thank you, my best friends. It is now time for me to begin my journey to death. But don't be sad for us. No. Stop crying, use the doors. I'm sorry. It's just that I'll miss you so much

until next spring. You three are if your own forest and a forest is only strong as the trees in there. Take the gifts I've given you that this old tree has given you And use it for good my best friend. We shall have a road Good luck to you and we'll see you soon Goodbye Goodbye very well friend Is the door is it Yeah, you just gotta you have to get it you have to kind of like duck down

I think they might have to take it off the hinges. Yeah, he moves so slowly. He's a tree. He might be here for weeks Oh, there goes the picture of a baby She's not even a gust it was just the door opening Okay, all right guys is a possible like he's really just gonna go sleep for a little while like but isn't to sleep to die To dream no more Isn't that once what you once said in your dreams already? I know for chance. I said that Or wait Arnie. Oh, where's the golden branch? No, what oh here comes running right over here That's a little I was dancing on the bar top. I love that little tinkling sound it makes when it runs.

We hope you've enjoyed our contribution to the baby Groot Expanded Universe. Use it or the blue was played by Matt Young. Shot the talking badger was played by Adolf Refyre. Kabalon Valentin, talking tree, was played by special guest John Sabine. If you're not surprised by John's choice to play a character that stands in one place tossing out the occasional one-liner, you've probably performed with him. If you want to see more of John's special brand of stage magic, catch him in the late 90s, Sundays at Logan Square Improth in Chicago.

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with guest internet darling Liz Anderson. Um, let's see, what else does anyone I want to ask you. Oh yes of course. If you were stuck on an island with only three albums what would those albums be? He asked us this once and we couldn't answer it at all. Oh boy this is a real toughy. I remember Arnie mentioning something about Magnet's 69ing. I believe so. That is an album. I think I would enjoy if I were stuck in a desert island, assuming that all of my other

biological needs were cared for, as I assumed that the prompt is leading me to believe. I would choose Beatles Revolver. Beatles, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, Beatles, Sargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. I can't keep, I'm gonna say it right this time. It's a long album, it's a long title. The Beatles, Sargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band. Justin Timberlake, Future Sex Love Sounds bonus tracks. Just the bonus tracks.

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Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refyre. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adler Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.